A Natural Institution:

Marriage is a practice common to all cultures in all ages. It is, therefore, a natural institution, something common to all mankind. At its most basic level, marriage is a union between a man and a woman for the purpose of procreation and mutual support, or love. Each spouse in a marriage gives up some rights over his or her life in exchange for rights over the life of the other spouse.

The Elements of a Natural Marriage:1. It is a union of opposite sexes.

2. It is a lifelong union, ending only with the death of one spouse.

3. It excludes a union with any other person so long as the marriage exists.

4. Its lifelong nature and exclusiveness are guaranteed by contract.

The Catholic Church cares deeply about marriage. Therefore, the Church takes marriage preparation very seriously. We believe that proper preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage is vital to developing the skills and attitude required for making a commitment that is free, fruitful and faithful. We want couples to be happily married...for life.

Marriage ReadinessHaving a successful marriage means more than FINDING the right person. It means BEING the right person. Sometimes, the FINDING part is easier. You can go to places where singles congregate. You can join clubs, pursue hobbies, or become active in religious or civic organizations. With any luck, you’ll meet the one you consider Mr. or Ms. Right.

BEING the right person can be tougher. Are you easy to live with, generous, flexible, and willing to put your beloved’s needs before your own? Above all, are both of you mature?

Maturity means knowing who you are:

Your talents Your weaknesses Your interests The things you hate to do The values that you will not compromise The preferences that you are willing to bend on What you want out of life and marriage

Out of this self- knowledge comes the possibility of giving oneself freely to your beloved.

Family of Origin

The term “Family of Origin” refers to the family that you grew up in – your parents and siblings. It may also include a grandparent, other relative, or divorced parents who lived with you during part of your childhood. These people strongly influence who we become.

Men and women who grew up in relatively healthy, functional families make adjustments in a marriage relationship. They learn to accommodate each other. At times you may smile (or cringe) when your spouse has a different way of doing something, i.e. the wrong way. You might complain, but then adjust.

For example, perhaps your mother was a fanatic about keeping a clean, neat house. You might swear that you’ll never be a slave to such a compulsion. But then you notice that your spouse is a “relaxed” housekeeper and

the clutter he or she finds tolerable is starting to get on your nerves. You find comfort in returning to your own “relatively organized” space.

In marriage, of course, there are a million of these differences, many minor, some big. You can and will argue about some of them, insisting that your way is the right way. It helps to take a breath and remember that unless the health department is threatening to evict you for health/safety violations, probably neither of you is completely wrong. There is room for compromise.

If your family of origin had serious problems such as alcoholism, abuse, infidelity, or mental illness, the unlearning and relearning can be more complicated. Adult awareness will help you not to repeat negative patterns modeled during the formative years. Once you become aware of the patterns of your family of origin, you can change them. It’s not easy, but individual and couple counseling can free a spouse from repeating destructive behaviors.

Be sure to exercise caution if either of you comes from a family with divorced parents. Many couples, observing the heartache caused by their parents’ break-up, resolve to do everything possible to avoid divorce. Since commitment is a strong predictor of marital success, this is an important strength. On the other hand, since the child of divorce may not have witnessed healthy conflict resolution or values in the family of origin, there may be underlying skill or attitude gaps.

Take the time to explore what you learned about life, love, and conflict in your family of origin so that you can

understand how this influences your current relationship – for better and for worse.

The legacies unconsciously handed down from our families are part of each of us. We emotionally follow what we saw happening, such as making a lunch box decision without honoring a child’s request. Or we might go to the opposite extreme and try to remedy a childhood experience by giving our own child everything we missed. Either way our family of origin is influencing our decision.

With intentional effort the patterns we learned in our family of origin that are destructive or inappropriate can be changed or modified for more satisfying and loving interactions. It is a process that continues throughout the lives of the spouses.

Must-Have Conversations

As a dating or engaged couple, conversation probably comes easily. The two of you enjoy talking about just anything. Just about anything that is, except ugly disagreements. It doesn’t change much in marriage except there are more things to disagree about. You can’t run away from prickly conversations – for long. If anything, marriage accentuates the mild differences you have while dating. They can become serious disagreements once the initial excitement of new love becomes the comfort of secure love.

Before you marry, consider “must have conversations” on these topics:

Spirituality/FaithTalk with each other about important stuff.

Start with the basics:

Who is God for you? What code of ethics guides your life? Do you value weekly worship? What kind of prayer is comfortable and satisfying to

you? How important is it that your spouse shares your

religious beliefs? Are you lukewarm in your religious commitment and

likely to fade away if you have to do it alone?o

Conflict Resolution

Communication usually comes easily and smoothly to most engaged couples. They can talk to each other about just anything. It may even be hard to understand how or why married couples fight. You may say to yourselves, “We’ll never be like that.” And maybe you won’t.

On the other hand, you may have already had some quarrels and worry about how to get through these times more smoothly in the future. Wedding planning can bring up all kinds of new areas that spark disagreements.

What you are experiencing is normal for your relationship stage. The challenge is not to avoid conflict but to learn to use it to clear the air. Through it all, you’ll want to love and respect each other.

Even as two people grow close together, they will occasionally think differently and have different opinions on how to handle a situation. If this doesn’t ever occur, it is likely that one partner is avoiding a confrontation, submerging his/her identity, or always giving in. That’s not healthy for marriage over the long haul.

o

CareersBalancing career and family is one of the greatest challenges facing newly married couples. Just when you thought marriage was going to simplify your life, you start to realize that there are decisions ahead, such as:

Whose career takes priority? Will both of us continue to work outside the home

once we have children? Is it fair for me to be stuck in a dead-end job in order

to put you through school? Will the spouse with the higher income have more say

in how our money is spent? If you work and I work, who does the housework?

Don’t lock yourselves into a house or car payment that requires two incomes.

Financeso Mixing debts and uncertain jobs makes marriage

even more fragile.o Perhaps you are approaching marriage on a

sound financial footing. You’ve finished your education, have been employed for several

years, maybe even have some savings or own a house. Perhaps you are set – or so you think. But having enough money for a comfortable lifestyle is not all that finances in marriage is about.

o It’s also about power. One person’s necessity is another’s luxury.

o What if you’re not in the enviable position of being financially stable? What if one of you still has student loans or credit card debt to pay off? Mixing debts and uncertain jobs makes marriage even more fragile. You will need much self-discipline, however, to keep strained finances from starting quarrels and poisoning your relationship

Intimacy/CohabitationThe Catholic Church teaches that every act of sexual intercourse is intended by God to express love, commitment and openness to life in the total gift of the spouses to each other. This total commitment is possible only in marriage.

As you move towards marriage, it’s important to make sure that sexual intimacy builds on other kinds of intimacy and does not short circuit your knowing each other on many levels.

What are those other levels that a healthy sexual relationship comes in stages of bonding:

1. Knowledge of the other beyond the superficial2. Trust in the other to be a person of integrity

3. Reliability of the other to be a person you can count on

4. Commitment to the other that is not temporary5. Sexual Touch in which you give yourself fully

to your beloved

Couples should “never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous.” The risk of disappointment and going beyond your safety zone will not bring you lasting happiness.

Steps leading to sexual intimacy, however, are not the whole of what intimacy is about. Long-married couples know that intimacy includes so much more than just the physical. The emotional intimacy of being able to share your most private and cherished thoughts is a pre-requisite for a fulfilling marriage. Knowing that you can be vulnerable and your spouse will not use sensitive information to hurt you is another form of intimacy. Realizing that your relationship does not depend on looks, talent, success, or perfection is a kind of intimacy that money cannot buy.

ChildrenAs an engaged couple you may have talked about when to start a family and how many children to have. Unless you’re entering a step-parent family, however, the nuts and bolts of daily parenting are probably not high on your radar screen. Here’s a checklist of items that couples should discuss before they get married. See if you’ve covered most of them.

Do we both want to have children?

Do we want to have children right away or wait awhile?

If there is a good reason to wait, how long might that be? How will we decide when we’re ready?

What method of family planning do we plan to use? Are we familiar with Natural Family Planning?

How many children would we like to have? (It’s helpful to have a general idea, if not necessarily a specific number)

What did you like most about the way you were raised?

What would you like to change in the way you raise your own children?

How would we deal with infertility if we have difficulty conceiving? Would we consider becoming foster parents or adopting?

How would we deal with an unexpected pregnancy?

How do I expect parenting to change our marriage?

Do we want one parent to stay at home once we have a child?

What is the hardest thing I expect to deal with in raising a child?

Commitment Commitment is not a very “sexy” word or concept but

it probably has more to do with making marriages work than anything except common values. It’s not just about reciting marriage vows or having a piece of paper that says “marriage license.” Commitment is important because we act differently when we know that our futures are tied together. You may avoid a prickly conversation if you know the other person will not be around forever. You may move on to another love if your current one has a debilitating accident or simply starts to rub you the wrong way. Commitment means you’ve promised to stay and work it through, not just today but forever

But don’t avoid topics that might be sensitive. This is the time to face difficult conversations and make sure you are on the same page. You don’t have to agree on everything – just the important things. Use your time of courtship and engagement to explore the serious and controversial issues that are ahead of you. A marriage preparation program will help you to address these issues more thoroughly.

You may come to an impasse on an issue. That doesn’t mean you aren’t meant for each other. It does mean you should pause and study this issue more carefully. Perhaps it’s a sign you need to consult others with experience or expertise in the area.

Why Marriage MattersFor Catholics, marriage is a sacrament. A loving, faithful, permanent union of husband and wife mirrors Christ’s sacrificial love for us; through marriage we also experience his Grace.

The Catholic tradition has always understood marriage as a natural relation as well. People of all faiths can get married and their marriages matter to God, children, each other, and the community. Marriage helps create and care for the next generation, helping to satisfy men and women’s deep human longings for connection with each other, and children’s longing to know and be known by their own mother and father. Marriage works by fostering commitment, trust, fidelity and cooperation between the sexes.

A large body of social science research now affirms the importance of marriage for the common good.

1 Marriage reduces the risk of poverty for children and communities. The majority of children whose parents don’t get or stay married experience at least a year of poverty.

2 Fatherless households increase crimes. Boys who parents divorced or never married, for example, ar two or three times more likely to end up in jail as adults.

3 Marriage protects children’s physical and mental health. Children whose parents get and stay married are healthier and also much less likely to suffer mentakl illness, including depression and tean suicide.

4 Both men and women who marry liver longer, healthier and happier lives. On virtually every measure of health and well-being, married people are bettwe-off than otherwise similar singles, on average.

5 Just living together is not the same as marriage. Married couples who cohabit first are thirty to fifty percent more liely to divorce. People who just live together do not get the same boost to health, welfare and happiness, on average, as spouses. Neither do their children. Children whose parents cohabit are at increased risk for domestic violence and child abuse and neglect. Children born to parents who were just living together are also 3 times more likely to experience their parent’s breakup by age 5.

6 Parents who don’t get or stay married put children’s education at risk. Children whose parents divorced or never married have lower grade point averages, are more likely to be held back a grade, and to drop out of school. They are also less likely to end up college graduates.

7 When marriage fails, ties between parents and children typically weaken too. Adult children whose parents divorced are only half as likely to have a warm, close ties to both their mothers and fathers. For example, in one large national survey 65 percent of adult children of divorce reported they were not close to their fathers (compared to 29 percent of adults from intact marriages.)

Difference between the sacrament of marriage and the other sacraments

From all that has been said, it is clear that while marriage, inasmuch as it is an outward sign of grace and also produces interior grace, has the nature common to all the sacraments, still, viewed as an external sign, it is unique and very different from the other sacraments. The external sign is a contract; hence marriage, even as an effective sign or sacrament, has precisely the nature and quality of a contract, its validity depending on the rules for the validity of contracts. And, as we can distinguish between a contract in its origin and a contract in its continuance, so we can distinguish between the sacrament of marriage in fieri and in facto esse. The sacrament in fieri is the above-mentioned mutual declaration of consent; the sacrament in facto esse is the Divine bond which unites the married persons for life. In most of the other sacraments also there is this distinction between sacrament in fieri and in facto esse; but the continuance of the other sacraments is based mostly on the inamissible character which they impress upon the soul of the recipient. Not so with marriage; in the soul of the recipient there is a question of no new physical being or mode of being, but of a legal relationship which can as a rule be broken only by death, although in individual cases it may otherwise be rendered void, provided the marriage has not been consummated. In this respect, therefore, marriage, especially as a sacrament, differs from other contracts, since it is not subject to the free will of the individuals. Of course, the choice of a partner and especially the contracting or non-

contracting of marriage are subject to the free will of the individuals; but any revocation or essential altering of the terms is beyond the power of the contracting parties; the essence of the contractual sacrament is Divinely regulated.

Of still greater importance is the contract aspect of the sacrament in fieri. In the other sacraments, the conditional administration is admissible only within narrow limits. There can only be questions of conditions of the present or past, which, according as they are verified or not verified in fact, there and then admit or prevent the valid administration of the sacrament. But generally even these conditions have no influence on the validity; they are made for the sake of greater reverence, so as to avoid even the appearance of regarding the sacramental procedure as useless. The Sacrament of Marriage, on the contrary, follows the nature of a contract in all these matters. It admits conditions not only of the past and present, but also future conditions which delay the production of the sacrament until the conditions are fulfilled. At the moment, these are fulfilled the sacrament and its conferring of grace take place in virtue of the mutual consent previously expressed and still continuing. Only diriment conditions are opposed to the essence of the Sacrament of Marriage, because it consists in an indissoluble contract. Any such conditions, as well as all others that are opposed to the intrinsic nature of marriage, have as a result the invalidity of both the contract and the sacrament.

A further quality of the Sacrament of Marriage, not possessed by the other sacraments, is that it can be effected without the personal presence of the mutual

ministers and recipients. A consensual agreement can be made in writing as well as orally, and by proxy as well as in person. Hence these methods are not opposed to the validity of the sacrament. Of course, according to ecclesiastical law, the form prescribed for validity is, as a rule, the personal, mutual declaration of consent before witnesses; but that is a requirement added to the nature of marriage and to Divine law, which the Church can therefore set aside and from which she can dispense in individual cases. Even the contracting of marriage through authorized representatives is not absolutely excluded. In such a case, however, this representative could not be called the minister, much less the recipient of the sacrament, but merely the agent or intermediary. The declaration of consent made by him is valid only in so far as it represents and contains the consent of his principal; it is the latter which effects the contract and sacrament, hence the principal is the minister of the sacrament. It is the principal, and not the agent, who receives the consent of and marries the other party, and who therefore also receives the sacrament. It does not matter whether the principal, at the exact moment when the consent is expressed by his agent, has the use of reason, or consciousness, or is deprived of it (e.g. by sleep); as soon as the mutual consent is given, the sacrament comes into being with the contract, and the conferring of grace takes place at the same time, provided no obstacle is placed in the way of this effect. The actual use of reason is no more required for it than in the baptism of an infant or in extreme unction administered to an unconscious person. It may even happen in the case of marriage that the consent, which was given many years ago, only now takes effect. This occurs in the case of the so-called sanatio in radice.

Through this an ecclesiastical impediment, hitherto invalidating the marriage, is removed by ecclesiastical authority, and the mutual consent previously given without knowledge of the impediment is accepted as legitimate, provided it is certain that this consent has habitually continued according to its original intent. At the moment of the ecclesiastical dispensation the original consent becomes the effective cause of the sacrament and the hitherto presumptive, but now real, spouses receive the sacramental effect in the increase of sanctifying grace, provided they place no obstacle in the way.