Marriage:

The Intimate Myste

ry

Congratulations! This is no doubt one of the most exciting moments of your lives and I am honored to be one of the many people who will get to share in it with you. My hope is that over the next several marriage counseling sessions your knowledge and love for each other and God will only grow and increase.

What is marriage counseling like?

Marriage counseling is a lot like videography. Whoever guides you through this process is aware of the limitations of time and must utilize panning effects (taking you as couple through a broad set of issues that effect marriages), camera zooming (narrowing your focus in upon a few key areas of marriage), and wide angle lenses (Looking at the big picture of marriage, ie seeing how it fits into the biblical story).

I enter into this with you through much prayer and will continue to pray with and for you.

- Sincerely Pastor Tony Stiff

Counseling as “Videography”

Session One - Beginnings: Marriage Within the Biblical Story

Session Two - Story: Understanding the Narrative of Your Partner

Session Three - Change: Relationships Are a Mess Worth Making

Session Four - Communication: The War of Words

Session Five - Finance: Money Can’t Buy Me Love But It Can Complicate It

Session Six - Sex: The Oasis in the Desert

MARRIAGE COUNSELING101

SESSION FOURCOMMUNICATION

The War of Words

When we are close to God our communication with others deepens and matures. When our hearts are fastened to God’s agendas for us and the people in our lives we become more prone to being good listeners, careful speakers, and patient waiters. An absence of worship in our lives stands behind the war of words in our relationships more than any other factor. Other factors are real issues, but if we don’t worship Christ all other changes we make to how we speak with one another will be merely cosmetic . He is the one who cultivates patience in

“MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A WORLD IN WHICH WE SPEND THE VAST MAJORITY OF OUR BEST TIME WEAVING TOGETHER THE THREADS OF OUR LIVES THROUGH TALKING AND LISTENING.”

- DAN ALLENDER & TREMPER LONGMAN III, THE INTIMATE MYSTERY

our conversations. His Spirit gives us compassion and sympathy for our spouses. His Spirit gives us hope that good communication can and will happen in our marriages.

If we’re going to win the war of words we must understand what’s causing the war. Biblical Counselors Tim Lane & Paul Tripp get at this dynamic well in the extended quote to the right. What the authors are saying may sound strange at first but I believe they are right. The state of your present relationship with God effects your ability to

Seeing Clearly = Speaking Clearly

“When we rightly identify the source of our problem, we are on our way to a solution that celebrates the grace of Christ. But we must first acknowledge that the problem is us! It is inside us, deep in the recesses of our hearts... The Bible says that my real problem is not psychological (low self-esteem or unmet needs), social (bad relationships and influences), historical (my past), or physiological (my body). They are significant influences, but my real problem is spiritual (my straying heart and my need for Christ). I have replaced Christ with something else, and as a consequence, my heart is hopeless and powerless. Its responses reflect bondage to whatever it is serving instead of Christ. Ultimately, my real problem is a worship disorder.” (Taken from How People Change)

new through words. If communication is so important to a marriage and to God then the question arises, “what is good communication characterized by?” Sincere listening, speaking truth in love, and patient waiting.

SINCERE LISTENING

Once you say something you never get your words back. When you speak you do not get to control how what you’ve said is received, interpreted, remembered, or used in the future. This is why developing a habit of listening two thirds more

communicate clearly with your spouse. Words and communication effect the nurture and care of any relationship, but especially a marriage relationship. Not only this but words also matter a great deal to God.

Consider this: God created all things through words. The first task humanity had was to order creation through the use of words (Genesis 1-3). God’s Son is called the Word in John 1. We are told that when God’s Son returns at the end of time he will defeat the devil and make all things

is costly, thats a reality. A marriage without time put into seeking genuine relationship with each other so that sincere listen can occur is even more costly. Dan Allender said it well, “Conversation is a two-way street. It’s not just a matter of talking; it also involves listening, and few of us are good listeners...There is no easier way to offend a spouse than by not paying attention to his or her words.” (Taken from The Intimate Mystery)

If time is foundational to being able to sincerely listen to one

than you speak is a good practice for your marriage. Sincerely listening to your spouse is the foundation for good communication. What is required of us to be able to sincerely listen to your spouse?

Time is the foundation for being able to sincerely listen to your spouse. Its impossible to listen well if you’re not willing to offer the time it takes to hear your partner clearly. As your marriage grows this will become a harder thing to do because your lives will become crowded in by responsabilities. Time

❖ Always ask open-ended questions that cannot be answered simply with a “yes” or “no.”

❖ Ask a combination of survey and focused questions.

❖ Remember that certain kinds of questions reveal certain kinds of information.

❖ Ask a progressive line of questions while remaining open to and offering opportunities for cross-examination from them.

When you listen sincerely to your partner you are inviting them to join with you in deep, stimulating,

another what else is important to listening well? Asking intentional questions to your spouse as you discuss matters large and small.

❖ Always ask them to define their terms (What?).

❖ Always ask them to clarify what they mean with concrete, real life examples of the terms they have used (How?).

❖ Always ask them to explain why they responded as they did in the examples they give (Why?).

of present conflicts. This doesn’t mean beating each other up with pre-recorded faults and failures. It doesn’t mean hiding behind defensive posturing or blame shifting. It doesn’t mean distorting the truths of the circumstances or situations you’re in as a couple. It means looking honestly at all things together and saying to your partner I believe changes need to be made.

Confrontation is a healthy part of communication. Let me say that again, “Confrontation is a healthy part of communication.” When we

vulnerable conversation. Only until you’ve done this can you begin to speak truth in love to them because you have already practiced love with them in how you’ve listened to them.

SPEAKING TRUTH IN LOVE

“A marriage is only as good as a couple’s ability to fight.” (Taken from The Intimate Mystery) If we are afraid of conflict we will be afraid of open, honest, vulnerable communication in our marriages. I think the quote is spot on. Speaking truth in love means truthfully confronting one another in the midst

our days and weeks. We should feel absolutely comfortable confronting one another because our motivation for doing so is out of a desire to speak the truth in love.

We ought to speak not out of anger, frustration, impatience, etc. but out of love and hope that God will us what He has revealed to us regarding our spouse to change them for good. Confrontation should lead us not to simply dealing with each other but with God. As we work through weaving together our lives as couples we ought to always

hear the word confrontation many of us think about a trip to the principals office we took as a child or an extreme blow-up experience between us and our parents as a teenager or a heated terminal discussion between ourselves and our boss, but that is not what I mean by confrontation. Confrontation is meant to be a normal part of our marriage communication. It is something that should be a lifestyle rather than an unusual, large, explosive event. Healthy confrontation should happen in several mini-moments throughout

As we sincerely listen and speak truth in love we also must cultivate within ourselves a posture of patience. Growing in communication in our marriages occurs through a great deal of effort and care. Communication is an art as well as a science. By this I mean that communication involves intentionality - like using the questions above - and creativity and patience. Eugene Peterson, author of one of the most popular bible paraphrases into modern language today called “The Message,” says

confront each other in love, speaking truth, and seeking to draw our spouse closer to Christ through it.

Speaking the truth in love involves sincere listening, time, truthful confrontation, and involves patient waiting. It only takes a moment for you and I to be wounded by someone’s words for a lifetime, but to be healed by them takes several repetitious conversations carried out in the spirit of long-suffering love.

PATIENT WAITING

work someday you will change jobs and lose the relationship in which your conversation is occurring. If its a conversation at school someday you’ll graduate and move away to take a vocational opportunity. If its a conversation with a good friend someday you’ll lose track of one another or find that your conversations are becoming fewer and fewer. Only in a marriage are you able to have lifelong conversations.

Cherish your communication with each other. Pursue it. Words can create life or death in your marriages.

. . . pursue life . . !

this about communication and patience;

“We’re not trying to make something happen but to be part of what is happening - without being in control of it and without it being up to the dignity of our...[role in our marriage]” (Taken from The Contemplative Pastor)

Being able to pursue good communication as a couple is a great gift to receive. Consider this, in no other relationship in life are you able to have this kind of opportunity. Every other conversation you have has a time stamp upon it. If its a conversation at

First Presbyterian Church515 Sunrise Avenue, Roseville, Ca, 95661

Pastor Tony Stiff, (916)782-3186

The Mystery’s Just Begun