Manuscript Proposal Unlocking Parental Intelligence: Finding Meaning in Your Child's Behavior by Laurie Hollman, Ph.D

8/12/2019 Manuscript Proposal Unlocking Parental Intelligence: Finding Meaning in Your Child's Behavior by Laurie Hollman, P

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BOOK PROPOSAL

UNLOCKING

PARENTAL INTELLIGENCEFinding Meaning in Your Childs Behavior

Laurie Hollman, Ph.D.

WITH A SELECTION OF STORIES ABOUT

MOTHERS ANDF TH RSWHO DISCOVER THEY HAVE

CAPABLE, THINKING, LOVING CHILDREN

1 Wawapek RoadCold Spring Harbor, NY [email protected]

631-692-9120Lauriehollmanphd.com

Lauriehollmanphd.com/blog-parental-intelligence
mailto:[email protected]:[email protected]:[email protected]


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OVERVIEW

On an episode of the famous TV show House, the first female medical director of a

large teaching hospital bemoans the fact that she doesnt know how to be a parent. She says that

she thinks other women must have a parenting handbook encrypted into their brain and she

missed out. She had the intelligence to graduate first in her class and to be the only and youngest

woman medical director, but she feels she doesnt have parental intelligence. This episode and its

many sequels on this theme were popular because her feelings have a universal quality. Millions

of parents feel the same!

What do some parents know and others need to learn? This comprehensive book takes the

reader on a journey following a five-step approach to parental intelligence that demonstrates how

to find and decipher the meaning behind human behavior, which will eventually lead to more

successful problem solving strategies. The book describes what goes on in the parent's mind

through self-reflection into their past to understand present reactions to their child. This is

necessary for them to discover what goes on in their child's mind that lies behind their words and

behaviors.

This in turn leads to a satisfying parent-child relationship where misbehaviors make sense

because the real underlying problems are revealed and solved. Accounts of parents using the five

steps demonstrate effective parenting and the struggles families have to overcome as their

children yearn to be themselves and let their parents know them. The chapters offer well-

developed, highly sensitive, short stories about vibrant, dynamic family members who live

compassionate and resilient lives. The main character in many of the eight stories is the forgotten


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parentfatherswho successfully gain parental intelligence and deepen relationships with their

children

With each compelling story watch and learn how and why courageous parents gain

parental intelligence and the impact they have on their children and their behavior. Each family

portrait reveals that as parents understand themselves they can understand their children as they

grow and change together.

By the end of the book, if not before, parenting feels more pleasurable, inspiring, and

gratifying. Children of these parents are grateful, appealing, and loving.

After thirty years as a psychoanalyst and psychotherapist being on the front lines with

children and their parents, I knew that I had to explain what I had been doing all these years to

help parents raise their children with so much joy. Children with a wide range of behavioral

issues such as multiple hour-long temper tantrums a day, abrasive oppositional behavior or just

confusion and general misbehaviors became peaceful and loving children openly communicating

with parents who could not only love them, but like them, too. Discovering the meaning behind

their behavior helped children with mild behavior issues such as avoiding homework as well as

children with severe psychological problems such as depression. I myself raised two outstanding,

warm, empathic and industrious, loving children into successful men with the five-step approach.

If I could help the parents in my practice master my parenting approach, the five steps behind

parental intelligence, then I should also share it with the general parent population. Id connected

with thousands of parents through my practice, seminars, articles in professional international

journals and popular parenting magazines and my blog, as well as, online websites, newsletters

and articles to family and matrimonial lawyers, pediatricians, obstetricians, educators, internists,


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social workers, psychologists and psychiatrists. But I hadnt written it all down in one place.

Now I have.

The book is both didactic and heartwarming, part parenting journey, part survival kit,

turning struggles over misbehavior into deep understanding of what children are going through

and how parents can help them move forward in this thing called growing up. Infancy,

childhood, and adolescence are all addressed.Parental Intelligencerequires emotional work that

bears the fruit of strong parent-child bonds and lasting maturity for parents and children. The five

steps to parental intelligence are a successful tool for parents with typical children as well as

parents with special-needs children. This approach crosses all lines of economic or social class

and education. It is rewarding and long lasting as it is passed through generations.

In addition, all the while Dr. Hollman is creating in-depth portraits of parents and

children, she is informing the reader with up-to-date research. She illustrates, for example, how

stress is transmitted from the intrauterine environment to the infant; how babiesbodies mime

adult language; how children with Asperger Syndrome communicate; how parents decide

whether to choose what she calls the new wave of scheduled socialization for elementary

school age children; and she discusses the impact of social media on both the adolescent-parent

divide and what she coins the new adolescent autonomy. In addition, she writes about the most

current research on the impact of fathers involvement on their children asking the question,

Does Gender Matter? as she writes about The Five Steps to Parental Intelligence.


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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. is a psychoanalyst with specialized clinical training in infant- parent,

child, adolescent and adult psychotherapy, a unique practice that covers the life span. She is

particularly adept at helping parents and children relate well together in todays complex family

milieu. This sensibility helps each family member understand their own emotional experiences

while simultaneously being receptive to otherspoints of view. She has achieved this not only

through continued study of developmental psychology and contemporary research but by

experiencing all ages day after day for three decades.

Dr. Hollmans training in infant-parent psychotherapy was done at the Anni Bergman

Parent-Infant Training Program in NYC affiliated with the Institute for Psychoanalytic Training

and Research and the Contemporary Freudian Society. She has worked with adolescent mothers,

battered women and their babies, mothers with autistic children and their babies, alcoholic

mothers and their babies.

She received specialized training in child and adolescent treatment at New York

University. Her Ph.D. dissertation on nine-year-old girls culminated in a new finding and major

contribution to the psychology of this age group focusing on troubling fantasies with which these

children struggle. She was invited to join the faculty of New York University before graduating

and taught clinical courses on listening to unconscious fantasies, child psychotherapy, and

understanding the art work of children.

Dr. Hollmans training in the psychoanalysis of adults was done at The Society for

Psychoanalytic Study and Research where she became the youngest graduate to join the faculty


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and Board of Directors and later became president. She taught courses on narcissistic and

borderline personality disorders as well as art therapy for children.

Dr. Hollman has studied with world-renowned figures such as psychiatrist and

psychoanalyst Dr. Jacob Arlow, psychologist and child researcher Dr. Anni Bergman, and

psychologist and infant researcher, Dr. Beatrice Beebe.

Dr. Hollman is widely published on topics relevant to parents and children such as juried

articles and chapters in the internationalPsychoanalytic Study of the Child, The International

Journal of Infant Observation, and theInner World of the Mother. She wrote on subjects relevant

to parents of divorce for theFamily Law Review, a publication of the New York Bar Association.

As a columnist forNewsdaysParent and Children Magazineand theLong Island Parent for

almost a decade, she has written countless articles on parenting and child development. She has

recently been a guest writer for popular parenting websites such as Naturalparentsnetwork.com

(that reaches approximately 300,000 parents monthly) and Positive Parenting Ally. These articles

were picked up by multiple family-oriented websites making her known on the internet as the

Parenting Expert. She writes bi-annual articles on mental illness for Long Island pediatricians,

internists and gynecologists/obstetricians, and for Long Island schools, discussing issues relevant

to educators and mental health counselors, including ADHD, the gifted child, depression and

anxiety in children and adolescents.

In addition to being on the faculty of New York University and The Society for

Psychoanalytic Study and Research, Dr. Hollman has also been on the faculty of the Long Island

Institute of Psychoanalysis and Long Island University where she has taught postgraduate

clinical courses. She has also taught countless seminars and led conferences on topics such as


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self-esteem, child development, art therapy, narcissistic and borderline personality disorders,

assertiveness for women, counseling and psychotherapy, female development, and adolescent

development.

Earlier in her life, Dr. Hollman was an elementary school teacher with a background in

research in educational psychology, where she pioneered individualized instruction in the

classroom. This skill-based approach to assessing children rather than the ambiguous global

grading system (A, B, C, D) common then, was new in the 1970s and 1980s. For example, she

taught a second-third grade integrated classroom focusing on the strengths and weaknesses of

each child, where children learned to help each other learn. She also initiated the beginning of

teaching children with learning disabilities on a one-on-one basis, as well as supporting the

classroom teacher by entering his or her room as an adjunct teacher specialized to work with a

specific child. Today these interventions are done by resource teachers. She taught children

with reading disabilities in an educational clinic unusual then for its training of teachers

specializing in reading disabilities. These approaches, common today, were new at the time,

conceived and developed by Dr. Hollman specifically to help revitalize a very traditional school

system. She fostered distinctive relationships with hard-to-reach children and inspired their

parents to do the same. Even then, she had a relationship-based teaching style that reached a

broad spectrum of children.

AUDIENCE AND TYPE OF PROJECT

This nonfiction book explainsParental Intelligence, a phenomenally successful approach

to parenting, by presenting eight fictionalized accounts of parenting stories based on real

problems and family dynamics. The book addresses two audiences, parents and professionals


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(psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, nurse practitioners, family lawyers, internists,

obstetricians, pediatricians, educators).

COMPETING AND RELATED TITLES

Why yet another parenting book? The overriding necessity forParental Intelligence is its

distinguishing characteristic: its unique focus on the internal meanings of external behaviors that

are found by understanding the interaction of the mind of the child and the mind of the

introspective parent. This book offers a new vista on how to deal with frustrating, troubling and

even extremely volatile behaviors. In the books mentioned below, behavior is generally

discussed as something external to be shaped rather than something with underlying reasons and

meanings that portray distress and inner conflict.Parental Intelligence is further notable for its

continuous narratives about eight children and their parents rather than a myriad of disconnected

and isolated case vignettes as is common in most parenting books. The chapters read like full-

length short stories that develop rich, real characters that come alive as they grow and change

together. In addition,Parental Intelligence it is not a one-size-fits-all approach to multiple

problems. Behaviors are understood in the context of both a childs and parents past and present

lives, not as isolated acts. In addition to the stories of a broad range of children without a clinical

diagnosis, this book will also discuss behaviors of children with special needs such as ADHD

and High Functioning Autism or Aspergers syndrome.

Parental Intelligenceis a good companion withAll Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of

Modern Parenthoodby Jennifer Senior ( HarperCollins, 2014, $ 20.33, ISBN 978-0-06-207222-

1) who discusses parenthood as it has evolved through generations. Brim full with current

research from sociology to philosophy, the book entertains and rewards the reader with first-hand


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reports from parents about how they feel about raising children today. Senior, looking at cultural

changes in the U.S., says, Whyparents go to such elaborate lengths on behalf of their children

is understandable.But, is it? All parents, even in the middle-class culture she focuses on,

arent the same. ReadingParental Intelligencewill let the reader in on the idiosyncratic histories

of parents in todays culture that lead the reader to understand much more of the whyof

modern parenting ways.

Parental Intelligenceis an antidote to a current parenting book which has stirred a lot of

interest among parents focused on achievement:Battle Hymn of the Tiger Motherby Amy Chua

(Penguin Press, 2011, $25.95, ISBN-078-1-59420). Chuas parenting philosophy is an

aggressive, authoritarian and rigorous approach to raising high achieving children. In contrast,

the philosophy ofParental Intelligence is to look at the behaviors of children as communications

worth understanding before deciding what is to be done. The Tiger Motheris focused on the

parents absolute and indisputable decision-making power that determines the course of the

childs life. In direct contrast, the concept behindParental Intelligenceis that the parent-child

relationship grows as the child and parent understand themselves and each other, charting a

course for the childs own life decisions.

Another book of current interest, Touchpointsby Berry Brazelton, M.D. and Joshua

Sparrow, M.D. (Perseus Book Group, 2001, two volumes, $18.95, $17.95, ISBN-07382-1049;

ISBN-0-7382-0678-4), addresses parents who are looking for markers of their childrens stages

of developmenthence touchpoints. Touchpointsshares a similar philosophy asParental

Intelligence, but focuses only on the tasks of developmental stages and external behaviors. These

books augment each other.


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One more current book in keeping with theParental Intelligencephilosophy is The

Explosive Childby Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. (HarperCollins, 2005, $13.95, ISBN-10-0-06077939)

that focuses on chronically inflexible, easily frustrated, explosive children.Parental Intelligence

enhances Greenes approach to this special group of children by focusing on a much broader

range of childrens problems that include the explosive child. Again, however, Greene focuses

on changing external behaviors, not underlying causes.

An interesting older parenting book from a special perspective isHow to Play with Your

Children (and when not to)by Brian and Shirley Sutton-Smith (hard cover, 1974, Hawthorn

Books, Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 73-339), which focuses on play as a key

factor in childrens psychological, social and academic development. The major point of this

approach is that the successful parent is the playful parent who doesnt give children a world of

toys but play-communicates. If parents play, children play and live a full life of imagination

and resourcefulness. Creative processes are encouraged and explored for a wide range of ages.

The attitude of this book resonates withParental Intelligencealthough it clearly has its own

perspective.

The Motherhood Constellationby Daniel N. Stern (Basic Books, 1995, 0-465-02602-8)

describes a fascinating view of motherhood that is essential to the understanding of parenting as

a stage of life. It is a paradigm for understanding the relationship between parent and child,

reaching into the inner world of each, examining the way they reverberate, and stressing the

importance of interactive behaviors. This book addresses the importance of how parent and child

represent each other, which is an essential view for parent and psychotherapist alike,

complementing the philosophy ofParental Intelligence.


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Positive DisciplineA-Zby Jane Nelson, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn (Three Rivers

Press, 2007, ISBN 978-0-307-34557) offers 1001 solutions to every day parenting problems.

Describing processes in alphabetical order from allowance to values, the authors offer practical

advice for a very broad range of topics, attempting to show kind yet firm methods of

approaching children so they are responsible and resourceful. Its outlook resonates withParental

Intelligence, offering tools for parents in everyday situations. This book complements the

concepts ofParental Intelligence (the more I punish him, the more he lies), yet, focuses on

specific suggestions of what to say and when to say it to positively affect external behavior,

whileParental Intelligencegoes further and offers strategies for developing and understanding

the meaning of behavior which, ultimately develops a deep relationship of parent and child.

Parenting Without Punishment: Making Problem Behavior Work for Youby J. W. Maag,

Ph.D. (The Charles Press, 1996, $20.66, ISBN 0-914783-78-5) discusses how punishment does

not work. It focuses on a behavior shapingprogram of strict time-consuming positive

reinforcement techniques such as token economies that are charted in detail on extensive

behavioral records. Some of the behavior analysis techniques are intermittent reinforcement,

extinction, and reinforced approximations. In other words, periodic rewards are given for signs

of corrected behaviors. One unusual technique is the use of surprise or shock as a

manipulation, illustrated in a psychiatric hospital where a child who refused to speak to his

mother on the phone, was lied to when told the call was from his school principal, and he took

the call.Parental Intelligencewould never condone such deceit. Further, also in sharp contrast to

Parental Intelligence,Maag recommends that behaviors are modified without recognition of any

of the complex reasons behind them. Except for the common reference to parenting without

punishment, these two books are significantly different from each other.


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The Discipline Bookby William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N. (Little, Brown and

Company, 1995, $$14.99, ISBN 978-0-316-77904-3) is a broadly based book on what parents

need to know to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten. It is a book about what is

needed to encourage good behavior due to the development of inner controls that last a lifetime.

Attachment parenting, proposes avery specific set of parenting suggestions such as breast-

feeding, sleeping with your child, setting schedules, and holding your baby as much as possible,

which foster a deep parent-child connection. The book does not discriminate which babies

should have this routine, but instead argues that these rules of parenting create a strong

attachment that leads to effective discipline for all children. The book focuses on tone of voice

and facial expressions to get negative points across. The advice ranges from morality to tattling

to manners and masturbation.Parental Intelligenceis compatible with this book, except that it

adds the important and essential concept that behaviors have meanings which determine the

approach to problem solving.Parental Intelligencediffers fromPositive Disciplineby its

understanding that children and parents are unique individuals that need specific guidance rather

than a one-size-fits-all approach. Furthermore,Parental Intelligenceincludes an approach for

pre-teens and adolescents not only birth to ten.

My book offers parents a chance to go deeper into the complexities of the parenting

process than the aforementioned books alone.Parental Intelligencedoes not offer a clear-cut

recipe or an approach to understanding parenting as a stage of life, but a challenging approach to

finding meaning behind behavior that reveals the workings of the minds of a parent and child.

Equipped with this understanding, parent and child can and will find problem-solving skills and

methods that are right for their specific situation and circumstance.


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SPECIAL MARKETING AND PROMOTIONAL OPPORTUNITIES

Online Audience

Dr. Hollman has a strong, thriving presence on the internet as a Parenting Expert. She

has an online audience of over 15,000 parenting and professional viewers who read her articles

on Parental Intelligence and other parenting topics written on Facebook (titled Parental

Intelligence), her website (Blog: Parental Intelligence), and Twitter.

She also posts regularly to enormous audiences on other sites: (1) weekly forLove that

Max, a special needs blog that is rated in the top 100 Mom Blogs, (2) weekly forMommy Blogs

(150,000 followers), (3) monthly forNatural Parenting Network (300,000 monthly unique

visitors), (4) periodically forPositive Parenting Allyin Denmark.

Dr. Hollman is reaching parents across the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada,

Denmark, Australia, New Zealand, India, Brazil, the Netherlands, China and Israel.

Offline Audience

Dr. Hollman has been a public speaker and seminar leader for thirty years on subjects

ranging from parenting, female development, child development, adolescence, Parent

Effectiveness Training, personality disorders and assertiveness. This created a broad base of

parents and professionals who respect her work in a wide range of community and professional

organizations. She is on the SpeakersBureau of the Institute for Psychoanalytic Training and

Research that reaches an international community.


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Dr. Hollman has been welcomed at the National Mothers Center, the NY State

Postpartum Resource Center, the National Association for the Education of Young Children

(NAEYC), and the Adelphi University Parenting Institute.

Furthermore, because the books stories cover infancy, high-risk children, adopted

children, children of divorce, identical twins, and children with high functioning autism, and

each of these subgroups are supported by special parenting organizations and websites catering

to these categories,Parental Intelligencecan be publicized by a wide range of such

organizations and their publications. Furthermore, book reviews can be written for the many

local, national, and international publications and websites that have published Dr. Hollmans

articles and posts.

Dr. Hollman has written articles for hundreds of schools, pediatricians, obstetricians, and

internists who form a base of professionals to whom the book could be marketed. She is an

affiliate of the Institute for Psychoanalytic Training and Research (IPTAR, NYC) who was a co-

sponsor with the Contemporary Freudian Society (NYC) of the Anni Bergman Parent-Infant

Psychotherapy Training Program, where Dr. Hollman was certified to work with infants and

parents. Dr. Phyllis Beren, Co-Director of the Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy Program at

IPTAR, has already requested that the book be used as a required text for the students in the

program.

Similarly, based on a draft of her book, Dr. Hollman has been asked to teach, How to

Work with Parents in Psychotherapy at the Columbia University Infant-Parent Psychotherapy

Program. A typical request came from Christine Anzieu-Premmeur, M.D., Ph.D., Child and

Psychoanalyst and Psychiatrist, Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Columbia University,


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Director, Columbia University Parent-Infant Training Program and Director, Pacella Child

Center: I read with great pleasure your book on parenting. I found it well documented and

smart. I am sure it could help a lot of families. Can you come and talk to the Columbia Parent-

Infant Program trainees about the case of the two-year-old adopted boy and your ideas on how to

work with parents? This is an example of the enthusiasm for Parental Intelligence, and the

speaking engagements and the professional marketing the book will generate.

Following these examples, Dr. Hollman could publicize the book to parent-child

psychotherapists at groups such as the Contemporary Freudian Society in New York City and

Washington, D.C., the Boston Change Process Study Group as well as the Anni Bergman Ph.D.

Parent-Infant Psychotherapy Program in New York City and like-minded child psychotherapy

training and institutes around the United States, the United Kingdom, Israel, Italy and France.

Dr. Hollman is in contact with and could distribute copies of the book to parents and

professionals in the United States and abroad who specialize in treating children and adolescents.

These professionals can learn to use the principles ofParental Intelligencein their practices

(seminars could be held by Dr. Hollman teaching the method) and recommend the book to their

parent patients. A wide network of parents can thus be generated who read the book and suggest

it to others.

In short, Dr. Hollman can supply links to publicize the book to hundreds of colleges,

universities, and psychoanalytic institutes for the training of child psychotherapists who work

with parents around the world, as well as more directly to hundreds of thousands of parents who

are involved in parenting websites that reach out to diverse families including those with special

needs children.


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SUMMARY

Our children are our only real wealth. We impoverish ourselves if we do not have ways

to help them with their struggles and take pleasure in their joys and achievements. So how do we

do this? Some parents seem to naturally have the knack, but many dont. Discouraged parents are

deeply saddened when their children are troubled. The childs problems signaled by their

behaviors overtake both the parents and childs lives. Misbehaviors are often a red flag to a

hidden pain that has been carried inside a child for a long time that parents may have been

blocked from seeing because of hidden pain inside themselves from their own lives. Other times,

the behaviors are responses to simpler problems. This parenting approach understands a wide

array of problems, so solutions can be found.

The stories in this book depict how parents found answers to these questions:

What do you do

when your infant unaccountably fusses and cant be calmed down?

when your two-year-old adoptee has excessive temper tantrums?

when your four-year-old with Aspergers Syndrome sings a song over and over again

without regard for his frustrated audience?

when your six-year-old identical twin hits his brother repeatedly?

when your eight-year-old with ADHD cries about homework on a daily basis?

when your outgoing thirteen-year-old wants to stay in a coed hotel on a class trip?

when your fifteen-year-old wont clean her messy room?

when your socially awkward but brilliant seventeen-year-old drinks and breaks curfew?

Parental Intelligence teaches parents to focus on meaning, not action. Instead of asking,

How do I handle this? Step back and first ask, What does this mean? Behaviors illustrate the

multiple determinants of the childs distress. With that understanding, problems hidden behind

the misbehavior emerge. Conflict and conflict resolution are addressed with a parenting approach

that proceeds from understanding the minds of parent and child to problem solving.


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With decades of treating children and their parents Dr. Laurie Hollman declares, If you

understand the behavior, you can figure out what to do. Then punishment is off the table because

it only causes parent and child anger, resentment, and frustration along with a schism in the

relationship.

Parental Intelligenceoffers a compelling road map designed to enable you to:

Understand what fuels punishment instead of a search for meaning

Step back and assess the situation

Reflect on your reactions to your childs behavior or attitude then reflect on your own

life experiences that led to these reactions

Understand what is going on in your childs mind

Learn about your childs stage of development

Develop collaborative problem solving that deepens the relationship

Parental Intelligenceis written in an easy-to-read format that inspires parents and carries

them through the maze of parenting with heartrending stories. Hollman offers testimony to the

immense inner resources of valiant parents.

OUTLINE

Parental Intelligencebegins with an Introduction that previews the book, where I discuss

my inspiration for the bookthirty years of experience using this approach successfully. I

explore the basic principlethat behavior has meaning which, when understood, offers more

options than punishment for problem solving and conflict resolution. I explain how the parent-

child relationship grows with this method of child rearing, comment on the stumbling blocks of


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parenting, the intergenerational effects of parenting, and the interaction of parent and child

histories on each other. I also outline the chapters in the book.

The introduction is followed by an essay, The Essential Parent, which sets the stage for

understanding the essential parenting skills needed for a successful and enduring secure

attachment between parent and child.

PART I: DEVELOPING YOUR PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE

This first part contains three chapters that describe the theory of parental intelligence.

Chapter One: The Parenting Mindset

The parenting mindset is the foundation to the approach described in the chapters that

follow. In its most basic form, it is an open-minded attitude that looks to understand the meaning

behind a childs behavior before deciding what to do about it. It is an attitude that seeks

understanding before action, that believes external behavior has internal causes, and that both

parents and children behave based on what they think and feel. When parents shift their focus

from trying to stop misbehaviors to trying to understand the meanings of misbehaviors, they are

empowered to understand their childs mind as well as their own as they rework their parent-

child relationship so that undesired behaviors stop, emotional growth occurs, and the parent-child

relationship is strengthened while important problems are solved.

Here is an excerpt of a mother who has held this parenting mindset for some time and

thus can help her daughter discuss her behavior and the underlying struggles beneath it:

On the way to the kitchen, thirteen-year-old Olivia says to her mom, who is not yet in sight,Mom, I have something to tell you, but dont want you to be mad.Mom adopts thenonjudgmental, empathic mindset she needs if Olivia is to feel safe enough to tell her whatevershe thinks is a bad thing. Whatever it is,Mom says, We can work it out.Olivia raises her face


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to show her mother a golden ring piercing her lower lip. Mom is shocked, but works hard atreserving her feelings, holding Olivias worry in mind. Olivia starts to cry.Her best friendconvinced her to go to the mall where they each got one, but now fears shes made a mistake.

How big a mistake could this be? asks Olivias mother. If you dont want to leave it in, thehole will close up in a few days.This response allows Olivia to experience her mother as a

safe parent, someone she could go to with her problems.

Olivia and her mother explore together meanings behind the behavior: Olivia wanted to feelprettier, her self-image was uncertain, she wanted to experiment with a new look that shethought was more mature, and she wanted to do something independently from her mother.

Together, mother and daughter achieve a deeper understanding of themselves and each other.

Chapter Two: What Fuels Punishment Instead of a Search for Meaning?

This chapter discusses the purported aims of punishment and how they fail. Punishment

is defined as an action taken or imposed on a child in reaction to a childs acting contrary to a

parents rule or moral belief. Punishments aim is both to curb current misbehaviors and to deter

future behaviors. However, instead, punishment does not change misbehaviors in the long run,

but builds long-term resentment that fosters a deep schism in the relationship. Parents develop

blind spots to childrens emotions, are misled by their childrens actions, and eventually draw

erroneous conclusions about their childs conscious and unconscious intentions. The chapter

explains various reasons why parents punish including the way parents were punished

themselves as children.

Here is a typical example of an abrupt punishment that mars the parent-child relationship

without solving any problems:

Responsible, hard-working seventeen-year-old Eva comes home late. Her angry father

meets her at the door, telling her that no excuses would be accepted for breaking the curfew.

You know you broke the rules. Youre grounded for two weekends. No discussion. Eva flops on

her bed and thinks: It wasnt my fault. Dad just doesnt get it. He never does. Im always on time


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for school unless the bus is late but thank goodness Dad doesnt know when that happens. Hed

call the bus company! I tell the truth and get grounded. Last time I do that.

Thus, punishment drove parent and child away from each other, resulting in the teensreaction to keep secrets away from her father in the future to avoid his angry response.

Chapter Three: Five Steps to Parental Intelligence

Many steps lie between misbehavior and solutions. This chapter describes the five-step

process to solving problems. The first step, Stepping Back, gives parents time to begin to

evaluate the situation, suspend judgment, examine and question assumptions, and realize the

situation isnt fully understood.

The second step, Self-Reflecting, allows parents to discover how their past history affects

their present approach to parenting. It allows the parent to observe him or herself from a distance

and think about his or her feelings, motives and actions. It helps parents become interested in the

impact their past has on their responses to specific situations with their children in the present.

That is, the parent learns to understand how his or her past generational histories, influences of

parenting styles over time, carry over into their feelings and dealings with their own children.

The third step, Understanding Your Childs Mind, means recognizing and understanding

your childs mental states, which include goals, intentions, and feelings. Parents who hold their

childs mind in mind are more likely to have children who feel secure, to manage parent-child

relationships better, and to be effective in resolving inevitable conflicts and arguments. This is a

key chapter that focuses on the idea that children often have unconscious motives and intentions.

Parents who get to know their children very well find out what lies behind behavior, so the real

problems can be addressed.


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The fourth step is Understanding Your Childs Development, exploring the difference

between chronological age and developmental age. There are expected developmental stages

when children master different skills, but not all children reach those stages at the same time, and

some children dont reach them at all. That is, children have the ability to perform in various

ways at different (st)ages, not necessarily dependent on how old they are. A special section on

saying No describes how to set limits.

The fifth step, Problem Solving, is the culmination of the previous steps. The interesting

result may be that the initial problem, the specific misbehavior, is now part of a group of

problems to be solved over time. The importance of the initial behavior goes through a

transformation and is often no longer the focus. In time, parent and child engage each other,

focus on their relationship, empathize and identify meanings behind behaviors, thus solving their

problems.

This is not a unidirectional process. Each step can be returned to at any time and multiple

times before resolution results.

In the discussion of each step, there is a subsection, Does Gender Matter? in which

contemporary research on fathers involvement with their children is discussed in light of

learning each step in the Parental Intelligence process.

PART II: STORIES OF PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE IN PRACTICE

In Chapters Four through Twelve, we watch the inevitable unraveling and coming together of

eight families. These are stories of parents who wend their way through the five step approach to

parental intelligence as they follow new paths with their children, grapple with change and

discover new family connections.


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Chapter Four: At-Risk Parents Misread Infants Fussy Behavior: Carries First Months

This chapter presents a portrait of two at-risk teenage parents, Laura and Cole, who marry

when nineteen-year-old Laura becomes unexpectedly pregnant. They both admit to not liking

children and having no experience taking care of babies. Although the baby fusses in the normal

range of infancy, the couple misreads their babys fussing as causing trouble and dontknow

how to soothe her. Both parents are children of emotionally disturbed parents who are unable to

help them.

The couple hires a grandmotherly woman to care for their infant when they go to work

and school. They try to prepare her for what they believe is their difficult baby. As she learns

their perceptions and gets to know the infant, she is able to guide them to understand the babys

normal communications and intentions. In time, with the continuing help of the child-minder

who becomes like a parent to Laura and Cole, the young parents are able to reflect on the sources

of their incorrect interpretations of the babys behavior, learn about infancy, and create healthy

parent-infant relationships, so this baby does not have to follow in the footsteps of her neglected

parents.

Excerpt: Lidia appeared promptly the next morning, cheerfully ignoring the disheveled young

mothers appearance and her disorganized household. Piles of laundry, overflowing baskets of

garbage, dishes in the sink, and infant toys scattered about didnt ruffle her. She instantlyobserved a strained and exhausted teenage mother who was unprepared for her maternalrole...Lidia knew at once that she had two babies to care for and was sensitive to their anxiousbonding.


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Chapter Five: A Distressed Child, Not a Bad Child: Two-Year-Old Travis

Discover how the parents of Travis, a two-year-old adoptee, progressed through the five-

step-approach to parenting, resolving his escalating behavior of temper tantrums by

understanding the meaning behind his outbursts. He was too young to tolerate the multiple losses

he had to enduredislocation from his birth mother when adoptedloss of his nanny at one

yearloss of his father who threatens divorce. Further, they faced transmission of high stress

reactions from the biological mother who travelled the globe in threatening areas when

pregnant, creating an intrauterine environment that led to a high level of vigilance in her child

after birth.

Find out how in the problem solving phase, the parents reconsidered Travis needs. He

needed to be with them more, not less. They start to introduce feeling words into his vocabulary

so he could express himself rather than tantrum. This was new for Travis father but he caught on

quickly. He began to play with Travis for the first time, a major accomplishment for a father who

didnt really want a child. Dad never realized before he could actually play with a two-year-old.

He felt wanted and experienced a new kind of accomplishment admitting he would not have

done all this if there hadnt been temper tantrums. Travis parents continue to need to work

things out between them, but they had begun problem solving at a level Travis could participate

in. The temper tantrums dwindled and stopped.

Excerpts: Mrs. Daver now understood how Travis actions made her feel so rejected that she

couldnt hear his tantrums as emphatic calls for help. She felt he was doing something to hurther, not to reach her, and when she wasnt there for him in the way he needed, he just escalatedhis behavior trying even harder to get the attention and care he needed from her


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Reflecting on these insights led Travis father to wonder how he could help Travis find

his way. his darkening thoughts led him to realizethey would have to help Travis together,

challenging his view of their son being only her child...

Travis parents parental intelligence had reached a significant height that wouldcontinue to develop as they and Travis grew. The gateway to becoming a tender, loving familyhad been opened. However, this was just the beginning of how raising Travis was reshaping whothey were and who they could become.

Chapter Six: A Boy with Aspergers Cant Stop Singing: Four-Year-Old Lee

A stay-at-home dad of awkward, chatty four-year-old Lee used the five steps with his

working wife to resolve some of their childs social problems. He helps himself and his wife

come to grips with the diagnosis of AspergersSyndrome, also known as high functioning

Autism without language or intellectual impairment. After raising two older sons, the father

recalls how as a toddler, Lee seemed indifferent to him. In preschool, he couldnt share or play

with other children and frustrated his older brothers. Carl tried to support his wife who felt so

provoked and shut out by their sons repetitious talking, singing, and poor eye contact that one

night she abruptly punished him, which shocked herself and Lee.

Excerpt: Parenting had always seemed pleasurable to Carl and Deirdre, even exciting as theylearned from their childrens interests and personalities, but now, hiding despair as they tried to

buoy each other up, they werent so sure.

Father and mother suffered with deep guilt that their genetic make-up and their own

childhood interpersonal difficulties contributed to Lees problems. They discover Lees sensory

world that is too loud, too bright, and too social for his coping mechanisms. When under a lot of

stress, Lee rocks slowly due to his anxiety, raises his voice and get close to screaming, seeming

to communicate his fear and overstimulation. Husband and his wife are troubled viewing their


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solitary preschooler lost in a world of his own making. He has trouble accepting limits, tolerating

frustrations, and understanding others.

The two brothers risk engaging Lee in social situations, in order to satisfy their desires to

be in relation to him, only to discover that he can broaden his restricted, solitary world.

Excerpt: When Vic brought the three new cars to Lee, Lee gave him a smile and let Vic add theothers to his long row. Vic remembered that Lee had trouble looking at him and thought Lee mayfeel a little nervous when he was trying to play with himVic kept his voice tone low, so Leewouldnt get too excited and scaredHeres the store, Lee. The car in front is going shopping.

...Vic was pleased. He went to give Lee a hug, and Lee quickly backed away, but he smiled andlooked at Vic, however briefly. He swiftly withdrew again and turned his back on Vic. But what

magic Vic had engineered. Lee had managed a bit of change withhis brother.

The besetparents are pleased when they learn that Lee copes best when his life is

predictable with clear routines and expectations and when they use his strengthshis remarkable

memory and capacity to follow rules. They ponder deeply over the question of whether Lee can

feel love only to find that he is coming to know he is an important member of their enduring

family life.

Excerpts: Carl had often asked himself the question, Could Lee love?It was hard to be inLees mind. He wondered: Did he care that it was Vic in particular who gave him the new cars?

Did he enjoy his singing in a different way when Israel sang with him?

Lee was a part of something: more than himself. He was a member of his family. Carl and

Deirdre thought he knew that.

Chapter Seven: Jealousy in An Identical Twin: Six-Year-Old Clive

Meet the daunting parents of six-year-old Clive, a vulnerable kindergartener who was in

the same class with his rambunctious, identical twin, Ari. When Clives favorite teacher

showered attention on Ari, Clive hit Ari. At the same time, his father was away for a month and


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when he returned and gave attention to Ari, Clive began to hit Ari at home as well. With the

parentsknowledge, the teacher began punishing Clive by taking away painting, his favorite

activity. But nothing changed.

Stepping back, the boys empathic mother realized that Clive held back as Ari hugged

dad good-bye when he left on his frequent business trips and the pattern repeated when Dad

returned. Self-reflecting, the twinsmother recognized she was more protective of Clive than Ari

and gave him more time, while the father favored spunkier Ari, who reminded him of his

relationship with his brothers.

Through the discussion of a drawing that Clive designed on the computer, dad and Clive

come to grips with Clives belief that his father was mad at him because he couldnt read as well

as Ari. In fact, Clive came to an incorrect conclusion that his father went far away because he

was upset with him.

Excerpt: Dad looked back at the picture for more clues. He was very tempted to call his wife,

but sensed he shouldnt. This was between Clive and himself. He plunged in: Clive, why did theteacher say you couldnt paint?

Its because Im BAD like I told you, Clive paused and then blurted out, I hit Ari.

More than once, too. That is bad. REALLY BAD. And you went away. Far away.

Clive, do you think I went away because you hit Ari?dad asked in fear.

No. You went away because I cant read. You dont like boys who cant read. You likesmart boys like Ari.

Mr. Richards found himself rocking Clive very slowly like a baby. He was speechless,having trouble following his sons gloomy logic. He didnt know what he had done to cause

Clive to think he didnt like him. But then he thought again. It wasnt what he had done. It was

what he hadnt done. He had never paid enough attention to Clive, so Clive drew the conclusionthat he didnt like him. Then, he speculated, when Clive had a problem reading, which wasnt

really a problem except in comparison to Ari, he imagined that he didnt like him because of thereading and therefore went away. Gosh. It was an outlandish conclusion, but a childs mindcould create anything.


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Eventually, through open dialogue with his wife and sons, the family not only solved the

hitting problem but also worked out how to communicate more effectively with the father when

he took his long trips. Dad understood the profound importance he held for Clive and their

relationship deepened.

Chapter Eight: The Storm, The Calm with ADHD: Eight-Year-Old Cathie

Cathie was a third-grader treated for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Distraught

Cathie and her besieged mother argued daily about sitting still when doing homework. Cathies

mother threatened no dessert after dinner but this had no effect. Their relationship was falling

apart.

Using the five step parenting approach, the mother deftly figured out that she had been

taking Cathies resistance personally and felt rebuffed. Their perpetually disrupted lives shifted

as she faced that when Cathie fussed, it wasnt bad behavior but a way of demonstrating how

overwhelmed she was. Hiding under the table was only a way of trying to settle down in a quiet

contained place. Mother and father reflected about how painful it was to watch their daughter

struggle and they began to recall their own struggles at that age. The mother took a different tack

with the homework situation by talking to Cathie about how she felt hiding under the table.

Cathie, how ya doing down there?

Im scared.

Oh. dear. What are you scared about?

Im scared that Im bad and stupid. Im resting.


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Sweetheart, youre not bad or stupid. I know homework is hard to do when youre offyour medicine for ADHD. Im proud of you for knowing how to rest. I bet under thetable is like a special little place for you to calm down

Im coming out now. Ill try to finish the sentences.

This exchange was a lovely example of Cathies mother trying to understand her

daughters mind. The mother-daughter relationship was growing. Cathies mother learned how

her daughters fear of her mothers anger and disapproval were influencing her behavior. In

order to problem solve, she thought of ways to soothe Cathie, thus helping Cathie to soothe

herself. They ingeniously came up with plans that would relieve the situation and help the bigger

problem, her self-esteem. The mother also advocated for her daughter at school and plans were

made to relieve her struggles. As mother and Cathie learned to problem solve together, their

interactions and relationship vastly improved as well.

Chapter Nine: Mothers Angst: Thirteen-Year-Old Olivia

Five-foot-two Olivia was a feisty, outgoing, well-liked athletic thirteen-year-old. Despite

this, her sense of self was marred by her academic difficulties. A worrisome mother kept a close

eye on her daughter. Since her husband worked long hours, she had to make most decisions on

her own. Without consulting Olivia, she offered to be a chaperone on a school trip to

Washington, D.C. but all the spots were taken. The following dialogue ensued:

Mom, my teacher told me you offered to be a chaperone on the school trip.

Absolutely. You are too young to be going far away and staying with boys in a hotel.

I wont be near the boys. Ill be staying in a room with two of my girlfriends.

There could be drugs and boys could sneak to your room. Since I am not able to attend,

you wont go. If you bring it up again, youllbe grounded for a week.


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Mom, I know you get scared about things, but

The mother tried to use the five-step parenting approach. She questioned, Was I trying

so hard to protect Olivia that I ended up acting like a warden instead of a loving mother?

The mothers anxiety had its source in a traumatic incident when she was raped as a

teenager by another teen on drugs. She wondered if she was attending too much to her own needs

to lower her own anxiety, than her daughters needs to grow up independently and strong.

After talking with her husband, Olivias mother realized that the Washington trip revived

her own experience and heightened her fears unnecessarily. She questioned how Olivia felt when

she (the mother) was nervous, realizing Olivia had needs of her own to socialize, fit in, and feel

confident.

Eventually, Olivia went on the trip, her self-esteem was lifted by being liked by a smart

boy, and her mother became more resilient, so her daughter didnt have to mother her. Due to the

profound impact of Olivias mothers use of parental intelligence, the bond with her daughter

was strengthened.

Excerpt:Delilas love for her daughter had fuelled her determination to understand her ownanxiety and not let it interfere with being a caring mother. She admired her daughter and hadlearned that her daughter trusted her. Delila was a complex woman who had started feelinganxious because of an unresolved memory that dictated a poor decision about the trip, but thatwasnt all of her. Rebounding with the fortitude to look within herself revealed her courage anddepth of character. She was learning about herself and her daughter and anticipating the promiseof their deep and growing relationship.

Chapter Ten: A Messy Room Signals Depression: Fifteen-Year-Old Leslie

Leslie was close to her protective confidante, her mother. Her father divorced her mother

when she was six. The mother, disturbed by the chronically messy bedroom of fifteen-year-old

Leslie, punished her or simply screamed at her not only making no impact, but also seeming to


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cause Leslie to become sullen and detached. This close mother-daughter duo was distanced for

months until the mother realized that Leslies detachment stirred memories of her own mothers

prolonged depression when she was Leslies age. Not wanting to feel that old pain and anger, her

mother had blocked out the idea that something could be tormenting Leslie. Reviving her long-

time usage of parental intelligence, the mother finally realized that Leslie may be suffering from

the emotional loss of her father, especially when he moved across the country.

In this chapter, the impact of parental intelligence on a mother and daughter for whom this

approach had become a way of life is seen. Because the fifteen-year-old had been raised this

way, she was precociously introspective and able to understand her own behavior. Thus, when

the mother ultimately opened up their dialogue, she learned that Leslie quit her favorite dance

troupe when her father failed to show up to a major recital Leslie had secretly invited him to.

Leslie was able to explain to her mother that because dancing reminded her of his broken

promise, she quit hoping that would relieve the pain. Of course it didnt and she became

depressed. She also started dating a boy who eventually broke up with her, a second loss. When

Leslie and her mother talk, the mother realizesthat the messy room was the barometer of Leslies

emotional disorganization and strife.

Excerpt:The two sat together quietly for several moments and then Ceci continued.

Im glad we are able to talk together and I have an idea that might help. Would you likeme to talk to your father? It must have been difficult to communicate with him on your own allthe time. I know he loves you. He just doesnt know how to show it.

Yes,responded Leslie feeling a great release of tension. I would like you to do that forme.

There was something so caressing in their words as they leaned toward one anothergiving Leslie hope.

I love you Mommy.


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As Ceci hugged her daughter, she felt her love clinging round her again like it had beenso many months before. She felt they had returned to that place where they were so stronglyconnected. She thought how Leslies violin, her dancing, her painting, her old high spirits as wellas her present abandoned heart were all her daughter. Leslie, in return, felt great relief, knowingher mother understood her. She could even tell her about Craig now. She had regained the

faithful lifeline that her mother had always represented.

Now that they found each other again, they could continue talking about what bothneeded. In particular, Ceci felt she could now help her daughter deal with the problem presentedby her absent father. Theirs was a unique bond.

Leslies mother grasped that the messy room was the barometer of Leslies emotionaldisorganization and strife. The loss of her father was the overarching problem. With their heart-to-heart, they recover their derailed tie.

Chapter Eleven: A Lonely Place to Call Home: Seventeen-Year-Old Eva

Eva achieved brilliantly but had no friends. When she ventured out socially for the first

time, she came home late from her first party where she drank a few beers. Her father

disregarded her attempt at total honesty and grounded her sternly. Her mother remained passive.

When the father began the five-step approach, he questioned his motives.

Excerpt: He recalled that when she came home and he grounded her, she had run up the stairsupset, not just placidly following his dictates. He remembered how startled he felt by herreaction. The front hall that had seemed full of life when she went out now seemed dark andempty. He asked himself, What have I done? With that thought, he slumped into a well-cushioned chair in the dimly lit living room and fell into deep thought.

Later he reflected on his own childhood in relation to the kind of parent hed become.

Excerpt: Evas father remembered that his father was a harsh disciplinarian. He had expected to

be a different kind of father for Eva, but his fathers ways slipped outWith Evas fathersbeginning reflections, he was able to realize his reactions went far beyond the curfew and

drinking in question.

Evas father engaged his wife for the first time in parenting decisions. Meanwhile, Eva

continued to socialize and confronted her parents about her needs. To her surprise, her parents


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changed their attitudes and her father came up with an ingenious plan to help her gain

confidence. The mother, too, started to gain Evas respect as she recognized her daughters hopes

and desires to lead a full life.

PART III: THE FUTURE WITH PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE

Part III describes a world where Parental Intelligence has become commonplace.

Chapter Twelve: The Meeting Ground

I conclude with an essay about my philosophy of parenting that has ramifications at

familial and societal levels. I discuss how the parenting approach that encompasses Parental

Intelligence provides a meeting ground for parents and children to get to know each other in

profound and pleasurable ways as they solve problems in the present that affect their values and

future directions. If this kind of intelligence was taught to parents routinely, parenting would

become an introspective process, communication and understanding would become the basics for

family life, and relationships between parents and children would provide the foundation for

thinking through problems by recognizing the link between external behavior and internal

experience. Children of such families would have the skills to work through problems and face

conflict in their daily lives and ultimately do the same in their work lives and future

relationships. In some ways, this book doesnt have an ending. This new way of parenting offers

a new way of life. It provides a beginning for parents to understand children of all ages and

developmental levels to help them solve their problems and have loving, satisfying lives above

and beyond the pages of this book.


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REVIEWS AND ENDORSEMENTS

After completing a draft of the book, I printed some copies, so that professionals (peer

reviewers) as well as several parents I admire and respect could read it and discuss it with me.

Here are some of the responses:

Professional Clinicians who Treat Children and Adolescents and their Parents

Phyll is Beren, Ph.D.,Co-Director of the Institute for Psychoanalytic Training and

Research Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy Training Program, Training and Supervising

Analyst at the Institute for Psychoanalytic Training and Research, and The Contemporary

Freudian Society, Member of the International Psychoanalytical Association, Editor: Narcissistic

Disorders in Children and Adolescents, Jason Aronson, 1998.

Laurie Hollmans book,Parental Intelligencehas accomplished a notable feat in

describing sophisticated theories of child development and behavior and offering a window into

the inner workings of the minds of parents and children, while managing to make these ideas

clear and easily accessible to parents. What distinguishes her guide from other parenting books is

her emphasis on the important need to understand,the meaning behind the misbehavior of the

child or adolescent, rather than assuming to know what the misbehavior means and reacting in

the moment. The structure of the book is also interesting, because the author offers the reader

stories, about eight children and their parents and takes you along on each of the journeys,

while describing in detail the presenting misbehavior, the problematic reactions and the parents

gradual awakening that leads to more insight about their child and also to greater self-

knowledge. She also tackles the area of problem solving and offers parents many tools to

improve relationships with their child. The book is clearly and beautifully written and Dr.


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Hollman conveys throughout a non-judgmental, non-critical stance, where the reader feels her

genuine empathy for the parent and child and their struggles. Her empathy transforms the parents

into becoming more empathic with their children. Also of special note is Dr. Hollmans ability to

enable the parents to look more deeply into their own minds and to understand how their past

generational histories are carried over into their feelings and dealings with their own children.

This is a very admirable parenting book. I also strongly recommend this book to mental

health professionals and educators working with children and adolescents, who could also use it

as a text book for child therapists.

Rena Greenblatt, Ph.D.,Psychoanalyst, Child and Adolescent Psychologist, Learning

Disabilities and ADHD Specialist, former Director, Child and Adolescent Program, Institute for

Psychoanalytic Study and Research, Adjunct Professor, New York University

With candor and compassion, Laurie Hollman, Ph.D., teaches parents about Parental

Intelligence. In her ground-breaking book, she draws on contemporary child development

theory offering parents an easy-to-follow, five-step program for conflict resolution. Parents will

learn how to understand the underlying determinants to their childs behavior, how to read

non-verbal as well as verbal communication, and how to create an open dialogue. As an

experienced child and family therapist, Dr. Hollman is in a unique position to talk to parents. She

provides fictionalized accounts of real problems. Dr. Hollman teaches parents how to understand

their own expectations, listen to their childs communication, and take into account the meaning

behind the childs behavior and how it relates to their developmental level. Along the way,

parents will build a stronger, healthier bond with their child. Just as Dr. Hollman teaches parents

to interact more effectively and empathically with their children, she writes with empathy and


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understanding as she teaches parents this proven and user-friendly method of parenting. Dr.

Hollmans book is an essentialguide for every parent.

Marie Oppedisano, Ph.D.,Psychoanalyst, Child and Adolescent Psychologist

Dr. Laurie Hollmans book,Parental Intelligence, is a clear and concise guide to parenting.

Learning to understand the meaning of a childs behavior and dealing with it in an empathic,

problem-solving way is an effective approach to raising children who are self-confident and able

to eventually understand and control their own behaviors. This is a guide to thoughtful parenting

that is dynamic and aids both the parent and the child in feeling able to adjust to changing issues

as the child goes through different developmental stages. It is a book I will recommend to my

patients and the techniques are helpful to teach to therapists who work with issues related to

parenting.

Nursery School Teacher

Dottie Del Gaudio, Director and Teacher, Nursery School, Huntington, NY

This book offers a clear and practical approach to parenting that will promote not only better

relationships between parent and child, but also encourage personal growth and maturity of both

the parent and child. The book presents insightful parenting skills for the parent by sharing real

family histories, experiences, and solutions. The techniques of the approach are clearly

explained. Parents are encouraged to learn from their own past histories, given permission to

have made mistakes in how they handled situations with their child, and shown how to move to a

more positive understanding and resolution of the current crisis. The families we get to know

have children of different ages, different marital situations, and different challenges that make

their families unique, yet familiar. Through use of the steps taught in the book parents are led to


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realize that the offense is not always the behavior that must be adjusted. The plan encourages

positive relationships and communication between parent and child which will lead to less

conflict or at least smoother resolution of future issues. What I like best about this approach to

parenting is that it will facilitate a calmer environment in the home and family with more

productive dialogue between the parents and between parent and child. The book is well written

and presented on a concrete, real life level that all parents can understand, retain, use and benefit

from.

Parents

Bruce Wichard, Divorced Father of Eleven-Year-Old Twin Boys

Insightful is theword I would use to best describe this book. It has helped me to better

understand my children and, therefore, myself. Dr. Hollman has mapped out an approach to

parenting that has already saved me countless heart aches. This book is a must for any concerned

parent interested in their childrens well-being and capacity to become responsible adults.

Kathy Shamoun, Mother of Three-Year-Old and Seven-Year-Old Sons

Parents like myself, seeking genuine closeness with their kids, find gem after gem in Dr.

Hollmans insightful, compassionate, decoding of troublesome behaviors. I tend to think of

myself as a conscientious parent, but as I get caught up in the pace of our busy lives, I often miss

the opportunities for real understanding that my childrens acting upsignals to

meopportunities that if recognized, grow the secure trusting relationship I aim for with my two

boys. Dr. Hollman teaches us how to slow down the process so that we see the meaning

underneath the action and our own reactions. Implementing her steps I begin to develop

communication with my children that is honest and effective; communication that comes from


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the heart and touches the heart. Such an important book! This is the users manual every parent

wishes came with their child.

Documents

Manuscript Proposal Unlocking Parental Intelligence: Finding Meaning in Your Child's Behavior by Laurie Hollman, Ph.D