SESSION 5-COACHING FOR SUCCESS

Making a Heart to Heart Connection With Your Kid

Coaching For Success Overview

Summary of Prior Sessions What is Coaching? The Power of Coaching The Coaching Process –An Overview Healthy Confrontation & The

Coaching Process Applying What We’ve Learned

Summary of Prior Sessions Mission Statement-What’s your

bottom-line? We’ve developed a parenting mission statement with the following keys: Love/Relationship Freedom

Moving from external control to self-c0ntrol Moving from total dependence to

independence Choices

Summary of Prior Sessions Strategy Development

Shifting from the Disrespect Factory to the Honor Factory

Violence

Anger

Fear

Others control

me

Blame

I can control others

Honor

Love

Safe Place

Power

Choices

Self-control

Summary of Prior Sessions Strategy Development

Create a space where your kid is loved & accepted Love Languages

Speak to their identity & life purpose Use your strengths & call out your kid’s

strengths

What is Coaching?

Coaches are change experts who help individuals take responsibility for their lives and act to maximize their own potential.

Coaching is Believing in people.

Seeing them for who they are & helping them step into their destiny.

A support structure for change. Growth centered & focused on the future. Operating through influence, not authority Listening & asking, instead of telling

The Power of Coaching

It’s Transforming Teachable moment + an authentic, growth

oriented coaching relationship = Deep, lasting change.

Grow Faster We need support, encouragement &

accountability to function at our full capacity. Unleash People/Cut the Cord of Dependence

Help kids to become great decision makers versus helping them make the right decision.

Teaching them to fish versus a fish for the day.

The Power of Coaching

Develop Your Kids into Leaders Setting goals, taking action, taking

responsibility, making choices and problem solving are important skills to possess as a leader.

Develop & Improve Relational Skills What really matters is not what you

know, but whether you can relate.

The Coaching ProcessOverview

RelationshipThen Change

Listen

Ask

Act

Support

Our goal is to move our kids towards independence & wise decision making. To do this, we must stop telling them what to do.

How do we do this?

The Coaching Process within Confrontation

What most of our confrontations look like

The Coaching Process within Confrontation

Healthy Confrontation – Keys to Success Listen Ask Questions Act

Define the Core Issue Generate Options Choose best solution

Support

Keys to Healthy Confrontation-Listen

The goal of listening To create a safe place to think out loud. To affirm & empower people to express themselves

with confidence. To gain information & perspective

Give your kids 80% of the air time. Turn the conversation in your head off!

I see your problem & I’m figuring out how to solve it. I’m composing my reply or question while you’re

talking. I’m focused on getting back to what I was doing. I’m frustrated by something you said & my emotions

are now taking over.

Keys to Healthy Confrontation-Listen

Tune In! Turn on your belief that your kids can

solve their own problems without being told what to do.

Be present Undivided attention Confirm what you heard (“What I’m

hearing is…” and “Sounds like you are saying…”)

Defer judgment

The Coaching Process within Confrontation

Healthy Confrontation – Keys to Success Listen

Ask Questions Act

Define the Core Issue Generate Options Choose best solution

Support

The Goal of Asking Questions Gather as much information & insight into your

kids perspective as possible Get your kids to start thinking through their

problem Two types of questions

Closed-Can be answered with “yes” or “no.” Open-Can be answered in whatever way you

want. Keeps your kids in charge. No right or wrong answer, so they don’t get

defensive.

Keys to Healthy Confrontation –Ask Questions

Keys to Healthy ConfrontationAsk Questions

Closed Open

Did the call to your friend go well?

Is there something you could do?

Did that make you feel hurt?

Do you want to take action on this option?

Could you talk to someone about that?

How did the call to your uncle go?

The Coaching Process within Confrontation

Healthy Confrontation – Keys to Success Listen Ask Questions

Act Define the Core Issue Generate Options Choose the Best solution

Support

Goal-To develop concrete action steps to implement the chosen solution.

Keys to Acting On It Define the Issue Generate Options Choose the Best Solution

Break it into action steps Deadline-I’ve committed to have this done

by a set date.

Keys to Healthy Confrontation Act On It

Keys to Healthy Confrontation Define the Issue Goal-To clearly identify the issue &

who owns the issue. What’s the issue? Be specific.

Define the expectation Identify the gap in performance/choice

Whose issue is it?

Goal-To get the person who owns the problem to identify potential solutions.

Strategies Open ended questions

What could you do? What have you done so far? What has worked in the past in similar situations? Give me five options. What would be the best possible outcome?

Offer your ideas last Make multiple suggestions

Keys to Healthy Confrontation Generate Options

Goal-To identify the best solution that meets the needs of everyone involved & the situation.

Identify needs Questions to ask

Which option do you want to take? What do you think the solution is?

Have your kid choose the solution

Keys to Healthy Confrontation Choose the Best Option

The Coaching Process within Confrontation

Healthy Confrontation – Keys to Success Listen Ask Questions Act

Define the Core Issue Generate Options Choose the Best solution

Support

Three components Support by Ensuring

Commitment Encouragement Accountability

Keys to Healthy Confrontation Support

Support by Ensuring Commitment Kid Generated Steps-People are most committed to their

own ideas. Verbalize the Action-”Is that a step you want to take?”

Direct questions that forces a person to make & verbalize their decision.

Eliminate Half-Heartedness-Don’t settle for “I could do” or “I ought to do.” Nail it down by asking, “What will you do?”

Quantify Commitment-”On a scale of 1-10, how certain are you that you will get this done?” You want 8 or higher.

Expect Accountability-As the parent, let your kid know you will be asking about their steps

Write it Down-Have your kids, write down or email you their action steps.

Keys to Healthy Confrontation Support

Encouragement When we consistently encourage, affirm

& celebrate our kids progress, it helps them stay motivated

Validating your kid’s identity is the most powerful form of affirmation.

Keys to Healthy Confrontation Support, Encouragement & Accountability

Encouragement Encourage with GUESS

Genuine-You mean what you say Unequivocal-Affirm decisively &

confidently Energizing-Your response should match

your kid’s enthusiasm & bring the energy level up

Specific-Tie affirmation to tangible performance and real evidence of character

Substantiative-Strong affirmation says something important about who your kid is, their identity

Keys to Healthy Confrontation Support, Encouragement & Accountability

Accountability-Voluntarily asking to be held responsible to live up to a chosen standard. Keeps our kids focused on the goal, so

they won’t forget it or rationalize it away. When our kids fail, it helps them quickly

get back up & try again, because we know they are down & need encouragement.

Accountability that is gentle, but firm, energizing & encouraging is far more powerful than motivating through fear, shame or guilt.

Keys to Healthy Confrontation Support, Encouragement & Accountability

Healthy Accountability Voluntary-Our kids need to initiate being held

accountable. Positive-Really believe that your kid can change.

Negative emotions like guilt or shame are counterproductive in the long run.

Pre-emptive-Proactive, not reactive. It’s meant to prevent wrong behavior, not punish it.

Consistent-Weekly, sometimes daily, depending on the circumstance

Honest-No sliding by, honest authentic answers Specific-Effective accountability is specific & to the point Energizing-Our follow up should be motivating, not a

weight

Keys to Healthy Confrontation Support, Encouragement & Accountability

Practicing What We’ve Learned

Scenarios 1 Parent, 1 Kid & 1 Observer

Practicing What We’ve Learned

What worked? What didn’t work? What did you learn? What are you going to do differently?

Coaching for Success

Keys to Success Listen Ask Questions Act

Define the Problem Generate Options Choose best solution

Support