Making a Difference Newsletter - March 13 2008

8/7/2019 Making a Difference Newsletter - March 13 2008

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Making a Difference Grand Parents Raising Grandchildren

Richard Barter March 13 2008

Contacts

email: [email protected]: (09)480-6530 9:00am to 3:00pm

0800 472637 (toll calls only pleasefrom Grandparents raising)

www.raisinggrandchildren.org.nz

Welcome to our Website:We are a non-profit Charitable Trust, based in New Zealand, established tosupport Grandparents who are raising Grandchildren.

Mission:We provide support to Grandparents who are primary caregivers to grandchildren in difficult circumstancesand to ensure fair treatment from the legal and child protection services in New Zealand, in order to stabliseand normalise the life of the children involved.

Aims:

-To provide support to grandparents who are primary caregivers-To provide opportunities for the grandchildren to meet others in the same situation-To raise awareness as to the role of the grandparents in the primary caregiving role

-To undertake research to establish the depth of grandparents in the primary caregiver role in New Zealandand respond accordingly-To facilitate change in the legal and child custody systems

Feed-back from our newsletterThank you all so much for all the letters of help to the two of us who are trying to raise a grandson aged11yrs.

We have been involved in his care since birth and last year finally applied and was given full custody.Not knowing through all of this that I would have had in the last 4yrs, 3 x hip replacements (the 3rd wasbecause I was trying to hurry and fell over). My husband has been made redundant after 32 yrs, and wesoon found out that those huge packages that people used to get on redundancy are long gone, max now ifyou are lucky is 50-52wks pay, this after a lifetime of service. But your letters always make us realize justhow lucky we are....we only have one to care for. My husband and I love the joy and laughter and the sadbits too when your mail comes......what a wonderful job you all do. Granddad & Grandma

Our History:When in 1997, Diane Vivian took over the care of her small, traumatised grandchildren, she could notbelieve the stress she encountered.
mailto:[email protected]:[email protected]


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Setting about to discover what help or support was available in 1999, she found there was none! Shedecided there must be many others in her position and put an ad in the paper. The phone did not stopringing. A need had been identified. In consultation with Jill Nerheny, the Birkenhead /Northcote CommunityCo-ordinator, a support group was set up under the controller of the Community Facilities Trust. A publicmeeting was held and they knew they had a tiger by the tail. As the group grew they spent many monthsventing, weeping, sharing and building trust. The group set the objectives and a vision statement which nowform the founding document and guiding principles of all the Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Groups.

Today there are over 45 support groups throughout the country, reaching from Dargaville in the north toInvercargill in the South. Membership grows daily. Groups actively lobby parliament, network with othercommunities and speak to many community organizations.

They strive to make a difference for all grandchildren and grandparents who care about them.

The organisation salutes all Grandparents who have taken in Grandchildren and put the needs of thoseprecious ones before their own. You are indeed doing angels' work here on earth. Together we have made adifference in a child's life.

SupportIf anyone is interested in starting another support group, please email the Trust at [email protected]

Regional Co Ordinators

Auckland/North Samina Corbett Ph 09 813 1961email [email protected]

Wellington/ Marlborough Terry Ututaonga Ph 04 478 9437email [email protected]

Southland Lorraine Colvin Ph 03 216 5269Email [email protected]

Taranaki Region Sue Stannard Ph 06 765 5338

Waikato Lynn Falconer Ph 07 855 7280email [email protected]

Support Group Co-ordinators

North Shore Bonnie Williams Ph 09 473 9055 email [email protected]

Waitakere Dominique Young Ph 09 817 8762 email [email protected]

South Auckland Virginia Peebles Ph 256 1620

East Auckland/East Tamaki Anne van der StraatenPh 09 575 9555 email: [email protected]

Central Auckland Janet Keat Ph 09 630 1625

Blenheim Ngati Apa Social Services Ph 03 5788768
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Christchurch Ngaire Keenan Ph 03 383 8188:Jan & Norm Ph 03 313 6487

Dunedin Dunedin North. Nanette McKendry ph 03 473 8105Dunedin South. Bromwyn Turner ph 03 454 6920

East Tamaki

Geraldine Trish Reader. Ph 03 693 9558

Gore Jennifer Miller Ph 0800 472637

Hamilton Lynn Falconer Ph 07 855 7280 email [email protected]

Helensville Maree Hemana. Ph 09 420 8218 email [email protected]

Hokitika Fran Edwards ph 03 755 8142

Huntly Lodi Liebert Ph 07 828 6123Email [email protected]

Invercargill Christine Marsh Ph 03 216 9773

Kaitaia Irene Turner-Crombie Ph 09 408 3446

Kapiti Coast David Johnsen Ph 04 902 2562Email: [email protected]

Levin Colleen Pene Ph 06 3686333Email: [email protected]

Martin/Rangitiki Tammy Tuakimoana ph 06 327 [email protected]

Napier Nola Adams Ph 06-845 3141

Nelson Paula Eggers Ph 03 544 5714 email:[email protected]

New Plymouth Kathryn Kanaraph 07 7579200 email: [email protected]

Norsewood/Dannevirke Denise Ph 06 374 0424 or Sandra Horton 06 374 5029

Palmerston North Contact GRG office

Otago North Adrian & Leonie Vogel Ph 03 465 1754 email: [email protected]

Dianne Kinsella Ph 03 437 0414 email: [email protected]

Ruawai Myna Bristow Ph 09 439 2489Rotorua Cyril Anderson Ph 07 347 8163

Stratford Sue Stannard Ph 06 765 5338 email [email protected]

Taumarunui Rangimahora Mahu. Ph 07 895 6626

Taupo Carol Martin Ph 07 376 8222
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email: [email protected]@xtra.co.nz

Tauranga Colleen Ross Ph 07 578 5341 email [email protected]

Te Awamutu Rangitaia Crowley ph 07 871 3781email: [email protected]

Te Kuiti Leone Tirrell Ph 07 878 3220

Thames Tricia Barker Ph 07 868 8650 email [email protected]

Upper/Lower Hutt Barbara Jeffries. Ph 04 526 4318 or Margaret Pearson 04 [email protected]

Waiheke Island Pirihira Kaio Ph 09 917 7643 email [email protected]

Wanganui Contact Head Office

Wairarapapa Anne Styles Ph 06-377-3440

Wellington Cecile Donovan Ph 04 477 0632

Whakatane Shirley Faulkner Ph 07 322 8524email [email protected]

Whangamata Sue McGregor Ph 07 865 6321

Whangarei Janet Puriri Ph 09 435 0044 [email protected]

Research

Here you can read a summary of the research that GRG have done, and also download a copy of theresearch report.

Media Release (11th March 2005):

Grandparents fulfilling the role as parents to their grandchildren are doing their bit under the Children YoungPersons and Their Families Act to keep children together with their siblings and families, but they are gettinga raw deal from the Government, Child Youth and Family, Work and Income New Zealand staff and the

justice system, says Jill Worrall. Jill Worrall spoke to an audience of judges and lawyers at the 4th AnnualChild Law 2005 Conference in Auckland today. (11th March 2005)

A trustee of the Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Charitable Trust and Honorary Research Associate atthe School of Social and Cultural Studies at Massey University in Auckland, Jill Worrall today released aResearch Report, commissioned by the Trust following a survey of 324 grandparents and other kincaregivers across New Zealand.

The research represents the largest quantitative and qualitative analysis undertaken in New Zealand orAustralasia covering the issues grandparents, in particular, and other family members such as aunts, unclesand even great grandparents are experiencing as they struggle to cope with raising children placed in theircare when the parents, for various reasons, are unfit or unable to care for them.
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Among the key concerns outlined by Ms Worrall at the conference was the incidence of grandparents payingconsiderable legal fees (either paying privately or through Statutory Legal Aid Charges) to obtain custodyand guardianship of their grandchildren often at the behest of Child Youth and Family where the child/renare considered at risk and in need of care and protection.

The report also illustrates that while fulfilling the same role as foster caregivers, providing stability, securityand safety for the children, the grandparents are typically left to cope on their own with the legal costs,

counselling, medical, clothing, schooling, and accommodation costs at a time when many of them haveretired, down-sized their homes or have health concerns of their own.

Often the only financial support available for the children is the Unsupported Child Allowance which isconsiderably less than what is available for foster care parents and nearly half of the respondents in thissurvey reported that they were not receiving it at all. One grandmother in the survey on superannuationcared for five grandchildren over a period of 12 years after her two daughters died and has only received theUCB since 2003 because no one previously told her she was eligible for any sort of financial assistance. Thechildren were aged 18 months, 3, 4, 5 and 17 years respectively when they came into her care.

On top of all the day to day pressures of raising these children, the report further illustrates that many of thegrandparents are also having to go to Court to defend ongoing applications from parents, who arechallenging their custodial status as primary caregivers in circumstances where there is little realisticprospect of the parents being in a position to adequately provide and care for their children. Many of the

grandparents also live in fear of attacks of physical violence or psychological abuse from these parents.

This research confirms what the Trust has known anecdotally for the past several years, says Diane Vivian,National Convenor of the Trust. There is a real crisis in the care of children by extended family orgrandparents in New Zealand and we have been telling the Government for a long time that it is simplyunjust for children at risk to be so disadvantaged simply because they are now being cared for by extendedfamily instead of by strangers. There must be equity in the system and we must make sure that thesechildren and their caregivers get the financial and social support they need.

Mrs Vivian also points out that: In many cases these grandparents will be dead in the next 10-20 years andthese children are the next generation of adults in our society. They need proper support now if they haveany chance of being productive members of society rather than following the example of their parents into alife of crime, drug and alcohol abuse, violence and ultimately abuse of their own children in future.

The reports findings show that most of the grandparents providing the primary day to day care are doing sounder considerable stress financially, emotionally and socially. The research shows that:

- 82.69% of caregivers are over 50 years of age with a significant proportion (43%) of them aged over 60

- 58.9% of the caregivers had a deterioration in their health since assuming the primary care of the children

- 37.4% of caregivers are caring for the grandchildren on their own

- 37% of the caregivers were caring for their grandchildren on an income of less than $20,000 per annum,with a further 29.2% on an income of $20,000-$40,000 per annum. Less than one quarter have an incomeover $40,000

- Parental relationship breakdown is a common feature for the children being cared for by their grandparents

- The major cause of placement with grandparents is drug (40.255%) and alcohol (29.10%) abuse andneglect (as a co-existing state).

- The age of the parents at the time grandparents assumed primary care of their children was also analysed.The largest cohort for both genders was in the 20-30 year age group. The figures tend to debunk any theorygrandparents are for the most part assuming the care of children of teenage parents


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- Nearly 25% of the caregivers have been caring for their grandchildren since birth, with drug/alcohol abuse,mental illness, abandonment, parental incapacity or incapability being cited as the principal reason for theplacements.

- Nearly 85% of the respondents in the survey reported that the children in their care suffered from physicalillness or disability with Asthma being the most prevalent condition (30%)

- Behavioural and psychological problems of various types were reported with 22.91% reporting severeaggressive behaviour, 18% reporting destructive behaviour (to property and persons), 17.34% reportingconduct disorder and 21.67% with ADD or ADHD, with 18.58% citing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

- 77% reported that they had not received any financial assistance to pay for the specialist fees and medicalcosts associated with their grandchildrens physical and/or psychological problems.

Among the key recommendations in the Ms Worralls report to the Government, itsagencies and the courts are that:

Kin/whanau caregivers must receive adequate income support commensurate with Foster Care BoardPayments and financial support that is reflective of the particular needs of children placed with kin/whanau.

WINZ workers should be better educated with respect to the income support entitlements of grandparentand kin caregivers, particularly in relation to the UCB and other benefits they are entitled to in addition to theUCB

Judges need to focus more on the need of children to have placement stability and they should be moreproactive in the prevention of on-going custody challenges by disingenuous parties who place their ownneeds above that of their children and put their childrens stability and security in jeopardy.

Respite care, day care, after school care, free medical care and free counselling should be provided as amatter of course for kin/whanau caregivers, particularly grandparents.

Where a child has been under the care of Child Youth and Family, all legal expenses incurred to achievekin/whanau custody and/or guardianship should be paid for by the State. Similarly Grandparents gaining

permanent custody/guardianship of their grandchildren should not be liable to repay legal aid payments.

The above is a minute taste of this rich data, the complete research is 77 pages.

7 Things Parents Should Never Say to a Tween (10 13yrs) - Dr. Michele BorbaTalking with a tween can be like walking through a minefield. Any moment you could be asking what youthought was a simple, sincere question only to find it triggering an explosive response.

In all fairness, these middle school years are like an emotional roller-coaster brought on by peer pressure,bullying, stress, school, raging hormones, and just trying to fit in. So how do you survive those minefieldsand still stay connected? The first step is to avoid these seven big tween "turn offs."

1. NEVER SAY: "How was your day?"DO SAY: "Tell me about your day."Tweens see generic parenting remarks as "so-o-o predictable" and insincere. Besides you'll get nothingmore than "fine" as a response. Instead, ask more open-ended questions that require more than a yes or noanswer. Take note about the specifics in your child's life: "Hey, how was that baseball game? Where did youplay in the field?" Your tween will appreciate your more sincere interest.2. NEVER SAY: "Tell him to leave you alone!"DO SAY: "Where did it happen?"Bullying is strongest during the middle school years and today's bullies are vicious. Tweens need strategiesto deal with bullies. So take your kid seriously and get specifics (who, what, where, when). The data will helpyou and your child create a safety plan. Don't promise that you won't tell (you may have to step in toadvocate for your child), and do remain vigilante.


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3. NEVER SAY: "What was she wearing?"DO SAY: "What do you enjoy about her?"Materialism is huge with this age group. This is also a time when tweens are forming identities and are mostimpressionable. Halt the comments about clothing and appearance (as well as popularity)! Insteademphasize those traits that grow from the inside out like talent, loyalty, character, and friendship so yourtween knows your values.4. NEVER SAY: "Toughen up!"

DO SAY: "You seem really upset."Puberty, hormonal changes, mood swingstweens will be "very touchy" and extremely sensitive. So don'ttell your kid to get tougherhe will take it personally. Instead, respect your tween's ups and downs andacknowledge his feelings. Tweens are trying to make sense out of their mood swings as well. Do refrainfrom sarcasm or teasing, and watch your non-verbal cues such as smirks or raised eyebrows.5. NEVER SAY: "Why did you do that?"DO SAY: "What did you hope would happen?"Let's face it: tweens are impulsive and do act a little crazy, and for good reason. The part of the brain thatregulates decision-making and impulse control is still forming which is one reason they look so blank whenyou ask, "Why did you do that?" A tween really may not know the reason for their actions. So instead of"why," ask "what." They'll be less likely to say "I dont know" and it may even help them learn what to do thenext time.6. NEVER SAY: "Relax!"DO SAY: "Let's find ways to help you de-stress."Don't take your kids stress for granted. Thirty-five percent of tweens say they are stressed but don't know

ways to de-stress. Monitor your kid's stress level and offer specific coping strategies as needed.7. NEVER SAY: "Get over it!"DO SAY: "I'm so sorry. You must hurt!"Peer relationships are critical and play a big part in developing a tweens self-esteem. Though the anguish ofa friendship tiff or "first love" breakup may seem juvenile, don't dismiss your tweens hurt. Not only is yourkid experiencing her own pain, but she's also worried about peer humiliation. She is concerned with whatall the other kids are saying". So show a little empathy! Be supportive and fill her social calendar withsomething to do especially on those long weekends.

8 Ways You Can Improve the Quality of the Time You Spend With Your KidsThere is nothing as important as spending time with your children. Unfortunately, time is a limitedcommodity, and nobody has enough. That is why it is important to make every second that you can be withthem as valuable as you possibly can.The following are a couple of inspirations that may help you to improve the quality of the time you spend with

your kids. Unlike guidelines, these are only designed to make you think more deeply about your relationshipwith your family, and with yourself. return to top

1. Pencil Them InYou should set aside at least a few hours at the same time and day every week, to spend with your kids.This teaches them to trust you, and lets them know that they can count on you, which can deepen theoverall relationship. It also gives them a positive, regular routine. Routines are important for kids because ithelps them earn about the cyclic nature of the world, which in turn can help them to develop the quality ofdependability.

2. Turn Off That Phone!Maybe you cant completely isolate yourself from the world but you can at least put your cell phone on silentwhen you are with your kids. Dont make them take a backseat to whoever decides to call you. If there is anemergency, whoever it is will leave a message. In the meantime, you have to focus on what is mostimportant in your life.

3. Give Each Child Special TimeIf you have more than one kid, it is important that you dont start lumping them together as the children.Each one is unique and special in their own way, and you have to treat them such. Make time to pursuespecial activities with each of them separately, and use this time to get to know who they are on a deeperlevel. Just be certain to spend equal time with each child, and to make it clear that is what you are doing.Otherwise you could end up with some hurt feelings.
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4. Family TimeWhile you have to spend some time alone with each of your children, it is also important to create a sense ofunity within the whole family. That is why activities such as family outings, and vacations are so important.The memories that are built, help to give the kids an identity as part of the family as a whole, and brings youall closer together.

5. Dont be Afraid to Do Things You Like

Your kids are smarter than you think. Just because you dont they would like an activity that you enjoy,doesnt mean you shouldnt try it out. Whether its the opera, a sports game, or even just walking through abook store, there are ways to help your child enjoy these activities. Just be sure to explain what is going onin clear details, and answer any questions they may have.

6. You Can Have Fun Doing Kids Stuff TooThats right, kids stuff is fun. Just because youre a snooty old adult doesnt mean you cant participate withenthusiasm. Join in sing alongs, clap your hands, laugh, and dont take yourself too seriously. You will havemore fun, and so will your children.

7. Dont Get OverwhelmedAs a parent you do everything for your children. But it is important that you do some small things for yourselfas well. If you are too selfless with them, you might start to resent them, which would be a horrible situationto get into. Make sure to occasionally take time off and do something to pamper you. Whether it is spending

15 minutes a day alone reading or going to a spa resort every few months, you will be happier, which willmake your kids happier.

8. Dont Be BoringSpice things up, try new things, and dont be afraid to experiment. The same old activities will eventually beas boring for your kids as they are for you. In doing new things, which you have never tried before, you willcreate truly unique memories which are very powerful and important.These are just a list of things to consider when evaluating your relationship with your kids. None of them arehard rules; they are merely designed to make you think. As you explore your relationship with your children,it is always important to evaluate your time together, and make sure that it is as effective as it can possiblybe.

Parenting Tips - Why Is Giving Choice Important?One of the most lasting gifts a parent can give their child is encouragement in making decisions. When we

do this we support our children in their journey towards independence. Of course there will be times whereparents need to make the decision and times when the decision will be negotiated, but there will also bemany times when the child can choose.

There are two easy ways to help your child learn to make choices:1. Involve them in choosing everyday things e.g. what to wear, what they want on their sandwich, whats fordinner.

2. Ask for their input in family discussions where you can allow them to choose the outcome e.g. where to gofor an outing, who to invite to a party.

Use the word choice with your children. Which do you choose? What will your choice be? Remember,when children are young, to limit choices to two to make their decision making easier. Older children will beable to cope with a wider range of choice. Remember too, dont offer your child choice if you are not

prepared to follow through. Children need to know that their choice will occur.

Giving our kids choice has a couple of bonuses in addition to helping them make decisions and increasingtheir independence. Children will take more ownership of a situation if they have been involved in thedecision and this helps them stick to the agreement. If you often battle with your child about getting them todo things giving choice can be an effective way to get results without the arguments. Such questions as:Would you like to do it now or within the next half hour? give the child decision making power instead ofbeing told directly what to do.


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The other wonderful bonus is of course children who are encouraged to make choices have a higher selfesteem because they are included in family decision making and given chances to express their opinions.They see their point of view as being valued by their family and are more confident when facing newsituations.

As you finish reading this article, ask yourself the question: How can I give my child more choice in his/herlife? If we parent keeping this question in mind, we will be raising our children to be experienced decision

makers and independent thinkers. They will be more confident and able to meet the challenging decisionsahead. We might even reduce some of those every day battles along the way!

Documents

Making a Difference Newsletter - March 13 2008