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Maintaining Close and Intimate Relationships
Your soul is your relationship with other people. What you say and do
does not die. Tom Wolfe
Prototypes of love
• Love for our first caregivers- a child’s love for a parent (essential for building trust)
• Love for those who depend on us- parent’s love for a child
• Passionate desire for sexual, physical, & emotional closeness with another- romantic love
Signs of love
• Mutual gazing• Cuddling• Kissing• Skin-to-skin contact• Touching body parts considered
private• Oxytocin released at climax as
well as nursing- enhances bonding
The universal need for love
Core virtue of humanity- the capacity to tend & befriend others
• Capacity to love and be loved- valuing close relations with others, reciprocity
• Kindness- generosity, nurturance, care, compassion, altruistic love
• Social intelligence- emotional intelligence, knowing how to fit into different social situations
Secure attachment- prototype for future relationships
• Attachment- emotional link that bonds people over time
• Healthy secure attachment is fostered by responsive, speedy interactions as parents respond to babies’ signals
• Maladaptive parental behaviors can result in insecure attachment patterns
Infancy experiences set us up for later relational patterns
Problems related to poor attachment
• Problems for a child relating to adults
• Poorer coping styles
• Problems coping with parents’ absence
• Later relationship problems
• Emotional disorders
• Conduct disorders
Secure attachments predicts:
• More positive internal model of self & others
• Self perceptions as competent, appealing, loveable
• Concepts of caregivers as accessible, responsive, consistent- they see the world as safe and others as reliable
• self-reinforcing• Better emotional regulation, curiosity, willingness
to ask for help from others
• Comfortable with others, lack of anxiety re: abandonment/ rejection
• Better general coping with life stresses, better adjusted
Love energizes self development
Developing true intimacy means taking risks
• Only through exposing one’s vulnerability can one be open to trusting another & recognizing his/her trustworthiness
• Sex without emotional intimacy becomes goal-driven performance
• Couples don’t always agree on what is satisfying sexually, however
• Resolution of conflict can be managed with:• Neutrality- respecting the good intentions of the other,
taking personal responsibility for one’s own needs
• Mutuality- working toward a mutual cause- satisfaction for both parties, as partners try to please and be pleased
• Key is full & honest communication
Healthy relationships require balance of closeness & separation
Aspects of the healthy relationship
• Honest and open communication builds trust• Don’t assume your partner should be able to read your
mind, or you can read his/her mind
• Partners need to be aware of old relationship garbage & strive not to impose it on new partners
• Both partners should remain individuals with separate interests, goals
• Sexual commitment involves sexual responsibility on both parties• Protection against unwanted pregnancy, STDs
How can you optimize your relationships?
• Minding relationships• Mutual knowing of the other as well as acceptance can produce synchrony
of thought, feeling occurs• Maintaining a sense of being unique & appreciated in the relationship
• Creating a culture of appreciation• Magic ratio of successful marriages: 5:1 • 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative• Without positive expectations of the partner, contempt breaks down the
relationship• Expressing gratitude for small acts creates a culture of gratitude• Trying to avoid the 4 Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness,
stonewalling• Capitalizing on positive events
• Telling the partner about good things in one’s life & allowing him/her to celebrate with you
• Active/constructive responses amplify the pleasure of a happy event\• Some people are negative, projecting their own negativity on you- in
which case they are not safe people to share good fortune with