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Know Your RoleThe Student – Parent Relationship

in College Admissions

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A pop quiz is the perfect way to assess student knowledge and understanding.POP QUIZ

VocabularyEach was in a natty blue uniform with gold braid, and top boots, and all were done “up to the nines.” In this sentence, natty means:

a. dapper b. monochrome c. frivolous d. improbable

The path to college admissions is all about telling a story. The story has to be engaging, compelling, well-defined, and hopefully (to some ex-tent) unique.

Paul is a graduate of San Jose State University and has spent the last eleven years as an arts educator, serving on the faculties of SJSU, Gavilan College, Campbell Union School District, Fremont Union High School District, San Jose Unified School District as well as numerous private educational companies. He has also served as Recruit-ment Coordinator for SJSU’s department of TV-Radio-Film-Theatre, was a lecturer, presenter and adjudicator for regional theatre festivals, an arts administration consultant, the founder and editor of HighSchoolTheatreSpotlight.com, and is an award-winning researcher and presenter in the field of theatre for social change. Through his experience, he has forged numerous connections in education, politics and the corporate world so that he may better serve his students and connect them to quality programs and opportunities. His academic interests also include medicine, mechanical engineering, marketing, educational program development and public policy.

In any good story, the roles of the players are well defined. You have your heroes and hero-ines, your villains, your wizened sages, stalwart sidekicks, and your supporting characters

who serve an ancillary yet important purpose. Often when a student’s college application “story” is written, there can be some confusion over who is playing which part. This can lead to unfortu-nate consequences, as universities adopting the “holistic review process” are looking for certain hallmarks of personal character that can only be defined if the two dominant people involved in the student’s application process know their roles well and stick to them.

The star of our story. The Student is our hero who has faced overwhelming odds, incredible adversity, and through their own strength and determination, has come out on the other side as a strong, independent, mature, knowledgeable and determined person. Through their own experiences, they have gained the skills necessary to navigate the challenges they will face in the latter part of high school and into college.

The Student should be their own advocate for their educa-tional future. They should be comfortable with approaching teachers, parents, and other adults and having a mature, respectful and fruitful dialogue. Rather than compulsively asking for answers, they should have the courage to act independently and find solutions when possible. After all, this is their story and no one else’s.

The Student should be responsible for their academic performance, independent of any outside factor not within their control. They should be able to properly manage their time to effectively finish homework, study thoroughly, and complete all projects to the best of their ability. Their organizational skills should be strong enough that they do not miss “easy points” due to missed or late assignments, misunderstanding direc-tions, or scheduling conflicts.

The Student should be able to manage their own lives to a reasonable extent. Since they are nearing adulthood, they should be able to understand respect, responsibil-ity, the concepts of right and wrong, honesty, integrity, honor and valor. These are the sorts of qualities that are called upon in the real world, so it is important that The Student begins to know them well at an early age.

Our strong supporting character(s). The Parent has a vested interest in assisting The Student every step of the way. They have often raised their child from infancy, and therefore, have a compulsive habit of acting as guardian, advocate, and source of counsel. Now as The Student gains independence, The Parent has to al-low room for growth and realize that their parent role is evolving.

The Parent should be a protector from things that are still too large for The Student to handle. This does not mean that they should take the lead on every battle. Part of their child’s growth is how they handle challenges on their own since, again, this is The Student’s story. Some-times, things can get out of hand and The Parent needs to step in. But, their instinctive response should be to monitor, talk, ask questions, and encourage The Student to take the lead unless they are asked for help or realize that they need to intervene.

The Parent should empower their child to be respon-sible. All too often, they micromanage The Student’s life. They handle all of the scheduling, the logistics, and all of the details and duties that fill each and every day. As The Student gets older, The Parent must learn to be supportive by teaching them to handle increasingly larg-er aspects of their lives including their studies, chores, transportation, and even employment. Again, The Parent should provide mature oversight and counsel, but they should allow for growth and exploration as long as The Student has earned them through responsible behavior. Finally, they should also understand that providing help involves a responsible choice, not an unconditional obli-gation. Everyone becomes overwhelmed at some point, but it is the job of The Parent to help if needed, and it is the job of The Student to learn from adversity so that it does not become a habit.

The Student

The Parent

The Parent should love The Student unconditionally. The years leading up to college are a very difficult time, and sometimes this can lead to unfortunate conflicts where things are said that should never be said. The Parent must acknowledge that there is sen-sitivity, vulnerability, stress, and tension involved in this process, and that they are there to guide, explain and properly discipline if needed. They should not berate, belittle, or demean. It is their job to celebrate victories and help learn from defeat.

In the end, it is important that The Student know they are there to learn, grow, explore and set goals. The Parent is there to love, guide, encourage and give structure to their child’s lives. If each player can respect the roles they are playing as well as each other, the end result will be a story that reads with a triumphant final chapter: The Student journeys toward the next challenge, The Parent proudly watch-ing on as their child steps into adulthood.

Know Your RoleThe Student – Parent Relationship in College Admissions

Paul Sawyer, TinkTank Learning Academic Counselor & Admissions

Consultant

By Paul Sawyer, TinkTank Learning Academic Counselor and Admissions Consultant

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COLLEGE COUNSELING