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LOVE TORN

By Felicity Beadsmoore

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Copyright © 2013 Felicity Beadsmoore

All rights reserved.

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Chapter 1:

Breakfast time was beginning to become synonymous with Joseph’s naked bum. It wasn’t that I

hadn’t seen his naked behind before, but its frequent occurrence at this particular time was

definitely putting me off my tea and toast. Sure, he was kind enough to cover his crotch with a

scrunched towel or random mass of material, knowing all too well that a view of his manhood

wouldn’t be welcomed by a couple such as Gail and me. But apparently he thought his bottom

was beyond that.

As Gail cheerfully tossed half of her scrambled eggs out of the pan and onto a clean plate

especially for Joseph, I realised that bare-bum-breakfasts would be the new something that I’d

just have to live with. I wasn’t stupid enough to get in between the strong bond Gail and Joseph

had developed over the years, even if I was her new partner. And I definitely wasn’t idiotic

enough to complain about Joseph’s whims of fancy to her. She encouraged him. I think she

thoroughly enjoyed it. And to be honest, I was pretty sure that if I put her in a situation that was

awkward enough, she wouldn’t hesitate to choose him over me. With that in mind, there seemed

no dire reason to let my opinion be known.

Joseph kissed Gail on the cheek as thanks for his hot breakfast and grabbed a slice of

freshly popped toast from the toaster on his way out. His apartment was across the hall and as

our kitchen was adjacent to his, breakfast, like most meals, was always a communal event.

Karl, Joseph’s older brother who was both architect and owner of our building, shared

the apartment with him. Our building had been one of Karl’s first restructured designs. Though it

had once been a dilapidated warehouse, it was now a modern minimalist’s dream. Karl had only

designed the building with two apartments, both of extravagant size with two levels, high ceilings

and an open plan layout, but had managed to do a great deal on the cheap. While it had initially

been designed for Karl to have one apartment and Joseph and Gail to share the other, when I

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moved in things changed. However, it was through Karl that I met Gail. He’d hired me almost

three years ago to decorate the apartment’s interior and when I saw her my world changed.

I watched Gail tip the rest of her eggs on a plate for herself as my peripheral vision

caught sight of Joseph’s naked bottom leaving my kitchen. With the unnerving sight now out of

view and in his own apartment, I sipped at my tea and wondered whether I could stomach the

rest of my jam and toast.

“I hope this phase doesn’t last,” grumbled Karl from his seat at the kitchen bench beside

me. Flipping over a page of the newspaper in front of him, he took a sip of his coffee and then

placed the mug back on the black granite bench top.

“I happen to like this one,” said Gail, sounding disappointed at Karl’s reaction.

“You would,” he told her as he peered over the black rim of his reading glasses. “We all

know you love seeing Joe nudeing it up.” Karl smirked at Gail, knowing full well that as a

lesbian, she didn’t enjoy the male nude as much as a straight woman and, since his brother was

homosexual too, Joseph’s bum was for other men’s eyes only. But it was an open-ended joke

between the three of them, how much Gail and Joseph would be the perfect couple, although

gendered generalisations may need to be reversed, and how much the two of them luved each

other.

I grinned at Karl’s insinuation, but didn’t comment. Gail could be very protective of

Joseph and it was too early for an argument.

Gail ignored his joke with a roll of her eyes and continued in her reasoning. “He’s been

so at ease lately, so comfortable in his own body. I reckon it’s down to the new bloke he’s with.”

As she cut herself a bite of her eggs on toast and chewed away silently, she glanced over at the

front door. “I think nude suits him. I’m hoping this one sticks,” she said.

“Well, that’s one of us,” mumbled Karl, clearly still hoping his brother’s new fad

wouldn’t continue much longer. After a short sigh, he took off his glasses and dropped them into

the chest pocket of his white button down shirt, then closed the newspaper. Raising his mug to

his lips, he drank the remainder of his coffee in a few quick gulps. “I’d better be off then,” he told

us once he’d swallowed the rest of his morning caffeine. “Those plans won’t draw themselves.”

He stood up off the kitchen stool and leant over to kiss me goodbye. After his lips left my cheek,

he kept his hand on my shoulder for a moment. “You still okay to pop round this arvo to give

me your opinion on the plans for the Kendrith’s mansion? They’ve been so particular about

having their furniture translate well into the space of their new home. I could really use your

input.”

“Sure,” I agreed, even though it was a Saturday and my day off. If Karl needed a hand, I

wouldn’t let him down. We’d been friends for six years, ever since we’d met at University and

his peace of mind meant a great deal to me. I put my cup of tea back down on the bench top and

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turned to face him, resting a hand loosely on the black belt at his hips. “Don’t stress,” I told him.

“We’ll go through it all this afternoon and make sure everything’s perfect for Monday. At least

then you can have Sunday off like a normal person.”

“What would I do without you, Jaz,” he said in a jovial tone, but the gratitude in his

eyes told me how much he appreciated my help on this project.

“You’d be a famous architect,” I said matter-of-factly. With or without my help as an

interior design liaison he’d still be where he was today—in the top five of Architectural Digest’s

Contemporary Architects to Watch. “Go on,” I told him, with a light slap to his hip. “Get out of

here.”

He grinned at me and kissed me with an audible mwah on the top of the head. Then he

left my side and headed around the bench top to say goodbye to Gail. She tilted her head at an

angle while she continued to cut into her breakfast and chew silently, as if to give him easier

access to her cheek. I watched as he quickly pecked her farewell and then moved with a quick

step towards the front door.

“Enjoy the markets,” he told us with a curt wave, before dashing from our apartment in

obvious haste to grab his suit jacket and briefcase from next door.

Alone at last and I found myself releasing a breathy sigh. Although we were going to the

markets—which would be packed with tourists and locals alike because it was a Saturday—it

would be nice to have some Gail and me time, just the two of us. While we tried to have date

night once a week, living in such close proximately to Karl and Joseph—who were for Gail and

me like family—made couple time difficult. It was hard enough that Gail often travelled for work

and that she could be away a week at a time and even when she got back we wouldn’t always get

a chance to spend time together. I didn’t like to think I was needy or clingy, but it would be nice

to spend twenty-four hours alone with just her for once.

My eyes focused back out of the deep thoughts I’d let myself fall into and I noticed Gail

watching me with a curious grin.

“That was a big sigh,” she said, with a teasingly sympathetic lilt to her voice. Her

sapphire blue eyes glinted at me cheekily.

Though she was still in her PJs—an oversized, grey t-shirt with the label of Joseph’s

favourite whiskey plastered across the front and a pair of mottled white, woollen socks—she was

beautiful. Dark chocolate curls fell loosely below her collarbone, restricted only by a thick, black

headband. The curve of her hips and legs and the natural bronze of her skin were due to an

Italian heritage, but she’d told me she’d gotten her five ten height from her deceased Australian

father. I’d fallen in love with her the first time I’d met her. She was incredible. It had been the

first time I’d ever been in love with another woman.

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I sighed again and, at her raised eyebrow, I realised I hadn’t answered her. “Not looking

forward to working this arvo,” I lied with a smile.

She gave me a compassionate frown and reached a hand across to mine from where she

stood on the other side of the kitchen bench. “Poor baby,” she cooed to me. “You’re a good

friend and Karl really does appreciate the help. But I know how much it sucks to work

weekends.”

I smiled half-heartedly at her attempt to console me. I didn’t really mind working

weekends, especially when I was giving Karl a hand with a project. We got on like brother and

sister and it never felt like actual work. But I’d been feeling a little lonely lately. Gail had only

just got back from a week away at a marketing conference in Sydney and she’d be leaving again

on Tuesday for another few days. I just really needed some time with her. I loved her, I knew I

did and I could feel the depth of it, but I was also starting to feel as though we were drifting

apart. Gail’s work as a marketing executive for one of the top, internet-related companies in

Australia had its regular obligations to attend conferences and training programs, and there was

no way that I’d ever keep her from that. But the passion in our relationship had somewhat

subsided lately and I was beginning to feel more and more like a dependable roommate than a

sexy, supportive girlfriend.

“Well, at least you’ve got the morning free,” she told me. “And all day Sunday even

though we have the monthly barbeque lunch at the Carters.” She rubbed my hand reassuringly

and gave me a kind smile. After a moment her eyebrows furrowed in thought. “Do you still have

Monday off,” she asked me. “I heard you talking to Max last night.”

I nodded. Besides having lunch with Karl and Joseph’s parents on Sunday, my sister

Maxine and her boyfriend Ed were spending the day in the city with me on Monday. Even

though they lived in Frankston just south-east of us in Toorak, they rarely came up to Melbourne

to visit. I took a day off so I wouldn’t miss the opportunity to see them, but now I was beginning

to regret it. It was starting to feel like I never had any time with Gail and that whenever we did

have the chance one or both of us would have to commit ourselves to something else. I wished

we could have a break away somewhere just the two of us. Maybe head over to Adelaide for a

long weekend. But I knew the chances of that were slim to none. Besides Joseph probably

wanting to tag along as a third wheel, Gail rarely got time off work and whenever she was

offered the opportunity for a break she’d often turn it down. Work was her life and I understood

that, but she was a big part of mine and I was starting to miss her presence.

“So you’ll be tour guide for the day,” she asked me, obviously trying to prompt me for

further information. Gail wasn’t a big fan of Max and Max was just as fond of Gail. I put the

tension between them down to Max’s overprotective nature—her being my big sister and all—

and just hoped that one day she’d come to terms with how much I loved Gail. As it was, Gail

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found it more than awkward to spend time around her and preferred, when Max came to visit, to

avoid the obligation of polite socialising. Knowing how much she dreaded their visits, I did my

best to entertain Max and Ed solo.

“Yep,” I nodded reassuringly. “It’s been a while since their last visit, so we’ll probably

just do touristy stuff. Maybe some shopping and go somewhere nice for lunch. Don’t worry. I

have no plans to bring them back here. They’re staying overnight in the city like last year.”

Gail’s smile in return was full of relief. “Good,” she said, before quickly recovering with

something less offensive. “But you’ll have a great time, I’m sure. You always do.”

I grinned at her. Of course I’d have a great time. I hated knowing that my sister and my

girlfriend didn’t get along, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. It wasn’t my opinion that

had to change. I was grateful that Gail didn’t mind me meeting up with Max—I’d had

boyfriends in the past who had been a little more controlling. At least Gail didn’t think Max was

a bad influence, but I guess that wasn’t entirely reciprocal. Of course, spending the day alone

with Gail would have been preferable to Max’s visit, but I couldn’t tell her that. She was working

on Monday and she almost never took a day off to spend time with me. I guess I was just left

with things as they were, but that didn’t stop me from hoping for the alternative.

“Anyway,” she began again cheerfully after a small sigh, “that’s a couple of days away.

We can worry about that when the day gets here. This morning you’re stuck with me.”

Steadying herself with her hands on the bench top, she leant across the divide between us and

kissed me lightly on the lips. As she pulled away, she gave me a teasing smile, her face only

inches from mine. “Now get out of those jarmies,” she told me, “and let’s hit the town.”

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Chapter 2:

I had forgotten what I looked like in a dress. I had always been a practical dresser—mainly

wearing jeans and tees. I’d seldom worn dresses even when I was straight, only wearing them

when I felt obligated to or wanted to feel very feminine. Even then I’d try for something more

comfortable than what Gail had squeezed me into.

I looked into the scratched, rectangular mirror hung on the side of the market stall’s

makeshift, tent-like fitting room and could barely recognise the person in the reflection. I had

always been slender with slight curves, never anything much to suggest that womanly jiggle. My

build was more athletic than soft due to my fondness for swimming and jogging, and—whether it

was because of that or because I felt uncomfortable in them—I’d never thought that dresses

suited me. And the tight, black mini number I was in confirmed my belief. I just looked odd.

“You look beautiful,” cooed Gail once she’d finished fussing around with how the dress

sat on my body. “Totally different—and if we loosen this,” she said as she snatched the tie out of

my hair, releasing my caramel-blonde locks. “There,” she said. “I barely recognise you.”

I couldn’t quite tell by her tone whether that was a good thing or not—even though I

agreed. With my hair out and resting ticklishly on my bare shoulders, I could’ve passed at first

glance as a total stranger. Only the pale honey tone to my skin, the soft, but striking features of

my heart shaped face and the amber green of my eyes were familiar.

Glancing at Gail through the mirror as she stood behind me, barely an inch taller than

me, I tried to catch her eyes. “It’s not really me though, is it?” The higher pitch to my voice when

I asked her revealed my uncertainty. Though I hated to admit it, I still didn’t really know who I

was. I’d turned twenty-five earlier in the year, just two years younger than Gail, but still found

myself trying to understand more about myself. It annoyed me that Gail, Karl and Joseph

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seemed to be so sure of themselves. But I also couldn’t help but admire them for it. It made me

hope that by their age, two or three years down the track, I’d be as settled in my individuality as

them. Unfortunately, the dress Gail had picked out for me wasn’t helping my mission at all.

“I think you look gorgeous,” she told me again, without really answering my question.

“You should buy it.”

At her insistence, I mentally ummed and ahhed at my unfamiliar reflection, knowing full

well that if I bought the dress it was unlikely that I’d ever wear it, but still I felt compelled by

Gail’s keenness for it.

Seeing my indecision, the owner of the store pounced on us and the opportunity of

pushing a sale. “You can have it for twenty dollars,” she told us. Waddling her short, portly

figure closer to the mirror, she turned to face us, getting the full frontal view of the outfit. “It was

made for you,” she said as she rested her hands protectively on the fanny pack full of money at

her waist. “See how it fits here,” she reached out and tugged lightly on the skin-tight material at

my hips. “Perfect,” she said. “Great material, too.”

Ignoring the woman’s persistent stare, I turned around to see if Gail thought that it was

really necessary for me to buy it. “Do you really like it,” I asked, letting my hesitation cloud my

voice.

Gail’s eyes lit up at my question. “Of course,” she told me, spinning me back around to

face the mirror. She moved a step closer, nuzzling her face by my neck. “You’ve never looked

sexier,” she said quietly as her eyes held mine through the reflection. “If you don’t buy it for

yourself, I’ll buy it for you.”

That was enough of an answer for me. I grinned at Gail’s reflection in the mirror, a little

drunk on both her affection and her complimentary words, and then nodded at the stall owner.

“I’ll take it,” I told her. As I moved to slip back behind the flimsy material of the fitting room

curtain, I heard a familiar voice shout out.

“Wow, Jaz-baby! You look hot!”

In shock, I spun around to see Joseph making his way from the central walkway into the

maze of the stall’s clothing racks. I couldn’t believe he was here. I was sure he knew Gail and I

were out spending time together—alone. I glanced back at Gail. “What’s he doing here,” I asked,

trying not to sound somewhat disheartened that couple time was over.

“I texted him,” she smiled. “I thought he could meet us for lunch before you have to

head off to meet Karl. Then Joe and I can do a bit more shopping when you leave. Hope that’s

okay.”

I smiled half-heartedly, but didn’t get a chance to respond before Gail turned around to

greet Joseph. We’d been wandering around the Victoria markets for less than two hours. It was

only eleven a.m. and now—just as usual—my time alone with Gail had come to an end.

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Desperately, I tried to wipe the disappointment off my face. It wasn’t as though I didn’t enjoy

Joseph’s company. He was lots of fun, a great friend, but I was beginning to dread his presence.

It was hard enough for me to get any time with Gail, let alone get any attention or affection from

her. But when Joseph was around, it was as though I was the third wheel, the one no one really

wanted around. It was hard to compete with him, especially as the two of them had known each

other since they were kids. In reality, it was useless. To Gail, I obviously wasn’t in the same

league as him.

Gail hurried over to Joseph as he zigzagged through the labyrinth of clothes. Looking

cool as always, he was dressed in a tight, black, pin-stripe button-down shirt with its sleeves

rolled up casually over his biceps and black skinny jeans over dress shoes. His ebony hair with its

blonde and cherry red highlights, styled perfectly as usual, was today in a fluffy Elvis-like style,

combed towards the front and curled. Like his brother Karl, Joseph’s Italian lineage was obvious

in the olive tan of his skin and the dark, angular features and strong jaw of his rectangular face.

As Gail met him, Joseph’s chocolate brown eyes lit up at something she said. He laughed

suddenly as Gail flicked the end of his Elvis-fringe with her finger.

“That’ll be twenty dollars,” said the grey-haired stall owner, still standing beside the

fitting room mirror like a guard dog.

I frowned at her persistence. I didn’t know whether I really wanted the dress now. At her

firm stare, I held up my index finger and told her to hold on. Ducking inside the flimsy change

room, I tugged off the dress with much difficulty and slipped back into my black jeans, gunmetal

grey t-shirt and black boots. As I climbed back out I had the twenty dollars ready for her. I

remembered what Gail had said to me as she’d nuzzled her face near mine and I’d decided that

this dress might just be my ticket out of dependable roommate and back to sexy, supportive

girlfriend. It couldn’t hurt to try.

As I paid the woman, I looked up, glancing around the stall for Gail and Joseph. But

they were already leaving. I could see the earthy red of Gail’s straight, cotton dress above her

black tights, before her head and Joseph’s disappeared around the corner into the next stall. My

heart sunk just a little as they continued on without me, but I tried to remind myself that

spending time with Gail and Joseph was better than not spending time with Gail at all. It was a

hard fact to swallow though. Especially when I’d gone from such a high after hearing her call me

sexy to such a low upon realising that she’d voluntarily ended our time together as a couple.

As the stall owner put my purchase in a bag and handed it over to me, I found that a part

of me was grateful that I didn’t have to spend the whole afternoon with the two of them. With a

final, slightly curt, thank you to the woman, I followed the snaking maze out of the stall.

Working this afternoon might not have seemed so attractive this morning, but it was certainly

looking that way now. I was beginning to wish Karl had needed me earlier.

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Chapter 3:

Being the third wheel was starting to irk me and for the ten-thousandth time, I was beginning to

understand more about the in-joke surrounding Gail and Joseph. Though it was obvious from

their attitude towards each other that they would never be lovers, they were inseparable. Like

Siamese twins, they were always on the same wave-length. While they were best friends, they

acted like twin souls, never happier or at the full height of their personalities unless each was at

the side of the other. Every time I saw them together and watched them interact, it made me

long for the same connection and wish desperately that Gail and I could share the same strength

in our relationship as they did.

I caught myself checking my watch for the umpteenth time and noted that the little hand

hadn’t moved since last I looked less than a minute ago. We had just eaten an early lunch at our

favourite restaurant which was parallel to the market arena and requested prematurely by Joseph

because he was tired of walking around and hungry after his tram ride into the city. A burst of

laughter from Gail and Joseph brought my attention back to them and the entertaining

conversation, which I had mostly missed. I grinned, trying hard to fool them into thinking I

shared in the hilarity of whatever had just been said. My feigned emotion was entirely wasted on

them however, as neither took any notice of my reaction.

It wasn’t that I was purposely trying to be a stick in the mud, but lately I just didn’t seem

to have the patience to cope with the intimacy the two of them could share so easily. I was really

starting to feel left out, not just out of this conversation, but out of Gail’s life. All I wanted was

for us to be as close as I had thought we had been in the beginning. I realised that there was

always going to be a certain honeymoon period, but I never expected that I’d go from being such

a key player in her life to being just an extra. The whole situation was getting me down more

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than necessary and the happy person that I was had had enough of moping around internally

while shining a bright, smiley face on the outside. I just needed to step back for a moment and

not take things so personally.

At another burst of laughter, about which I understood nothing, I decided it was time for

me to head off to meet Karl, albeit a little earlier than I’d planned. I desperately need the break.

Bravely, a good hour or so early, I grabbed my bag and interrupted their conversation. “Well,

I’m off,” I told them, creating a pause in the conversation as I knew it was unlikely there would

be one. Gail gave me a surprised expression in response, but I ignored it, leaning over to give her

a quick peck on the lips instead. “The quicker I go help Karl with his project, the sooner I can

continue enjoying my Saturday,” I told her, creating a viable excuse in a matter of seconds.

Gail nodded at me and reached out to hold my hand momentarily, nearly affectionately,

as I moved to stand up. “Okay, babe,” she said almost solemnly. “I hope the work Karl needs a

hand with won’t be too boring.”

I smiled politely back at her, knowing full well that anything Karl needed help with

would be more interesting than sitting here watching the two of them get on like a house on fire.

As I gave Joseph a kiss on the cheek in farewell and moved to leave, he suddenly stopped me.

“I spoke to Karl earlier,” he told me, grinning enthusiastically. “He’s cool for Gail and

me to meet the two of you in Acland Street and then maybe head over to Fitzroy for dinner. You

know, really make a day of it today. I think he feels bad about making you work on your

weekend. I told him how much you weren’t looking forward to it.” Joseph was as honest and

sympathetic as his words suggested as he gave me a kind smile. “So, hang in there honey and

before you know it, you’ll be downing a few wines.” He tapped me on my thigh reassuringly and

grinned.

“Great,” I told them both, trying to sound as enthusiastic as Joseph. In actuality, I was

highly annoyed. Obviously, Gail had passed on more in her text to him than just ‘Let’s meet for

lunch’. Although, I was angry that she’d felt the need to tell Joseph everything to do with my

business as well as hers, it was my own fault that my lie from this morning had backfired. Gail

was more than likely just trying to be considerate when talking about my feelings and Joseph had

probably just been attempting to put a positive into a situation he thought I was unhappy with.

While I could see reason, it didn’t help my mood any and I still felt a little betrayed. Now that

Karl thought he’d burdened me with his request for assistance, it was up to me to explain

otherwise, without contradicting my little white lie from this morning. And that was something I

wasn’t looking forward to doing. “Guess I’ll see you tonight, then,” I said with a smile that

almost hurt. “Enjoy your arvo together.”

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Joseph nodded his head in goodbye, while Gail gave me a quick wave. Spinning around

without a final look back, I walked out of the restaurant and began planning my apology speech

to Karl.

Sitting on the 96 tram as I passed the Melbourne Sports and Aquatics Centre on my left, I

replayed my pathetic request for forgiveness over and over in my head. It wasn’t that I didn’t want

to help you, Karl. Joseph and Gail just blew the whole thing out of proportion. I really do enjoy giving you a

hand with projects. It was just hard for me to programme myself for work on a Saturday. That’s all. I’m

sorry. I hoped it would be enough for him to forgive me. I knew how anxious he had been about

asking for my help this morning. Being the perfectionist that he was, Karl just needed to be

entirely sure of his plans and I would never have knowingly made him feel guilty for his request.

In honesty, I appreciated the way he liked to depend on me and my opinion so much, even

though he was thoroughly capable of doing and deciding everything on his own. His requests for

my time and attention seemed to be the only requests of their kind I had received from anyone of

late. Because of that, I was very grateful he valued me so highly, even if it was only in a working

capacity. It wasn’t as though anyone else made it as obvious. He was a good friend and

currently, the only one our tight-knit little family who seemed to have time to waste on me.

As my thoughts began to circle round for a fourth time and the butterflies in my stomach

started to flutter up to nausea, I was beginning to dread seeing him. I desperately hoped he

wasn’t upset or disappointed in me or my behaviour. I wouldn’t be able to stand it if I’d made

him feel as though I’d betrayed his trust—saying one thing to his face and another to Gail. He

was the only one I could depend on lately, the only one who made it clear that I was still a part

of our family, that I was still loved. I would hate myself if I’d ruined that all because of a stupid,

white lie.

The tram turned the corner into Fitzroy Street and I snapped back to reality. Taking a

deep settling breath, I began to prepare myself for a possible confrontation. While nothing at all

could eventuate, I wouldn’t let myself walk into a situation like this without the protection of a

decent excuse. I loved Karl like a brother and I wasn’t going to allow him to remain mad at me,

if I found that he was, in fact, mad at all. I would be able to make him see sense. I was sure of it.

He was more like me than the other two. We were more than usually on the same page and it

was always easy for us to understand each other. Everything would be fine. I was certain.

Unconsciously, I began nibbling my fingernails, while leaving the nails unscathed,

reverting back to a nervous habit that had ruled me in my teenage years. It wasn’t until an older

woman on a seat across from me caught my eye and offered me a supportive smile that I

removed my hand from my mouth. Nervously, I returned her smile and tucked my hands

between my thighs, imprisoning them in an effort to avoid a repeat performance. Glancing away

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and out the window, I tried to swallow my dread of the coming encounter. It was obvious why I

was so apprehensive, but I was starting to be concerned by just how much I feared seeing Karl. I

had never reacted like this before. Though I rarely got myself into situations like this, the few

times I had, Karl had always been very understanding. Trying to put my fear into perspective, I

was drawn to only one sane explanation: with everything that had been going on lately and

feeling increasingly ever more left out of my own relationship, my emotions were going haywire.

When I was younger, my father often liked to remind me that bottled feelings always came to a

head. While that fact didn’t help me express my emotions more easily, I knew deep down that

there was sense to it. I hated to admit it, even internally, but in this instance, my father was right.

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Chapter 4:

I was outside Karl’s workplace, poised to press the doorbell to announce my arrival.

Unfortunately, I hadn’t quite managed to find the courage to touch the button. After getting off

the tram across from Luna Park, I had made my way past the local McDonalds and up the

suburban street which led to the private, prestigious, mansion-like building Karl liked to call his

work residence. I had been calm during the short walk, having found some serenity on board the

tram as I realised the stillness of my reactions. Yet as I climbed the few steps up to the

extravagant entrance of the looming structure with its castle-like curves and wide windows, I

started to feel my nausea return. Karl was always so nice to me, always so sweet, it would hurt to

see him annoyed or upset with me. I couldn’t imagine how I’d react if he was disappointed in

me. Dread overwhelmed me once more and I mentally berated myself for being so untruthful

earlier. I only had myself to blame for this situation. Gail and Joseph had merely been passing on

their concern.

Closing my eyes momentarily, I breathed a long, deep, solemn sigh in an effort to get

back to that tranquil emotional place of peace. It had just about worked when I suddenly heard

the lock on the door in front of me click and felt the soft breeze of air-conditioning waft gently

across my face.

“What are you doing,” asked Karl inquisitively, sounding intriguingly amused.

I snapped my eyes open and gave him a nervous smile. “Hey,” I said meekly,

dramatically embarrassed, but still fearing the brunt of his unhappiness.

He raised a dark eyebrow at me suspiciously as if prompting me for further explanation.

17

“Oh,” I murmured, struggling to find appropriate words to answer him. “Nothing.

Really.” I tried to brush off the subject with a wave of my hand. “I’m fine.” Letting out a short,

nervous sigh as I finished, I gave him an embarrassed smile.

His entertained expression showed me that he wasn’t convinced by my blasé air. “You

remember we have a sensor down at the gate,” he asked, beginning to grin a little more as he

nodded at me.

I glanced over my shoulder down the path I’d just walked up and noted the open,

wrought iron gate before the council strip. A familiar little black waterproof box was attached to

the sage green rendered-cement wall next to it, partly hidden by the thick shrubbery that lined the

property’s perimeter. I felt like slapping myself upside the head. Of course I remembered the

sensor; it acted like an external automatic doorbell alerting anyone inside the building to arriving

visitors. I had even gone with Karl to buy it from a security store in town. As I turned back to

look at him, I was sure my expression had changed from a look of utter embarrassment to having

the word idiot plastered across my forehead. In an attempt to brush off my stupidity, I did the

only thing I could think of: I shrugged.

Karl’s infectious laugh had not been the response I’d expected, but I was grateful for it.

“Okay,” he told me, still chuckling to himself. “Well, I guess we’ll just get down to business

then.” He grinned at me with a slight shake of his head, before moving back from the doorway to

usher me in.

I offered him an appreciative smile as I walked inside. Karl took my shopping bag from

my hand, placing it on the entry table just inside and then he shut the door behind me.

“Sorry,” I apologised, finally finding the courage to speak again. After a quick sigh, I

decided now was as good a time as any to give him my speech. “Look, I hope—” I began, before

he abruptly cut me off.

“No need to explain,” he told me in an understanding tone. “I get it.”

“No,” I cut in swiftly, feeling guiltier than ever for inadvertently making him feel as

though I didn’t want to help him. “No, you don’t. I really need to explain.”

“No. It’s fine, really,” he told me with an almost quizzical smile.

“No, it’s not,” I said again, trying to force him to listen to me.

“Honestly,” he told me, grabbing my shoulders gently with his hands and staring deep

into my eyes. “I know what you’re going to say, Jazmin.”

Knowing that he only used my proper first name when he was deadly serious, I knew it

was time to shut up and let him finish.

“I know you enjoy working with me,” he explained, “even though you may not always

love working Saturdays. But I know you well enough to understand that what I heard through

Chinese whispers wasn’t the entire truth. I know you. You look forward to work almost as much

18

as Gail and me. So, it wasn’t the work today that was bothering you. Something else has got you

down.”

I released a deep breath I hadn’t realised I‘d been holding and found myself a little shell-

shocked. “So, you’re not offended,” I asked still confused, but needing to hear him say that he

wasn’t upset or disappointed in me.

“No,” he almost laughed at me. “You and me, we’re good. We always are.”

I let out another sigh of calming relief and shook my head at how stressed I’d made

myself. “I was so worried,” I told him, glancing away from the sincerity in his hazel eyes.

“I know,” he chuckled. “I saw you on the monitor.”

Embarrassment washed over me again as I remembered that the outside of the building

was wired with video cameras linked to monitors in the maintenance room. In all my

anxiousness, I’d totally forgotten about them. Stupid was definitely my middle name today.

Then I remembered something else. Joseph had said that Karl had felt bad about making me

work on the weekend and that was how our dinner plans had been devised. If Karl really

understood as much of the situation as he said he did, then why were we going out tonight? “So,

what’s with dinner then,” I asked, trying not to sound apprehensive again.

Karl grinned at me. “Nothing gets past you, does it,” he asked.

I gave him a soft smile in reply.

“I’ve noticed for a while that you’ve been a little down and after talking to Joseph, I

thought it would be nice for us all to have a family dinner out on the town. Do something

different for a change.” Karl patted my shoulders reassuringly. “I know the other two don’t really

see it,” he said. “But I can tell that something serious is getting to you.”

I didn’t offer him an answer, but only frowned in response. I wasn’t the type of girl to

talk openly about matters of the heart. I rarely cried and always tried hard to be as happy and as

positive as I could be on the outside, even when my emotions on the inside didn’t match. It was

probably more to do with fear rather than with not wanting to share my feelings. I was deeply

afraid of letting people in, of letting them see the real me, in case they didn’t like what they saw.

Even with Gail and Karl, with whom I’d opened up more than with anyone else in my short life,

I was still scared to tell them everything I felt. That was probably one of the reasons why Gail

was drifting away from me. I knew it had to be my fault somehow. I always pushed people

away.

“Do you want to talk about it,” Karl asked me, clearly trying to give me the opportunity

to release my emotions.

My frown deepened at his question and I shook my head. “Not right now,” I told him,

letting my tone slip a little too far into solemnity for my liking. At his look of concern, I thought

it best to try to recover the situation and move the mood away from the emotional sanctuary it

19

had become. “I mean, I’m fine. Honest,” I told him, trying hard to sound sincere. “I’m glad

you’re not annoyed with me for implying to Gail that I was dreading helping you out. Clearly, I

was just stressing over nothing. That’s all. I’m much better now. Really.” I smiled at him and

stepped out of his grip, grabbing one of his hands in mine as they fell from my shoulders. I

caressed his hand reassuringly and appreciatively. Scared as I was about revealing my feelings, I

didn’t want him to think I was shying away from him, even though I was in fact doing so. I

valued his understanding and concern, especially when his insight about me was spot on. But I

just wasn’t prepared to talk about things yet. And I didn’t know whether Karl was the right

person to speak to first. Surely, I should try to express my emotions to Gail before verbally

spewing them out on someone else. She may even feel the same and help me to fix this rift I

could feel between us.

“You know I don’t believe you,” Karl told me, with an almost cheeky grin. He wrapped

his free hand around mine, in which I still held his, and lifted all three to rest softly on the centre

of his chest. “You can trust me, Jaz,” he said in a tone more serious than his cheerful expression

suggested.

The warmth of his hands around mine resting against the cool fabric of his white button-

down shirt made me feel comforted and connected. And for the first time, as I gazed up into the

kind hazel eyes I saw more in him than just my best friend Karl. I’d never realised—with his

dark Italian features, chiselled jaw and playful smile—just how handsome he was. Of course, it

was obvious to anyone who cared to look that he took care of his appearance, undoubtedly not

as much as Joseph, but enough to complement his good genes by keeping him lean and strong.

Strangely enough it was as though I was seeing him properly for the first time and for a second,

he was a stranger to me. I had to shake my head quickly to snap out the daze.

“Are you ok,” Karl asked me, suddenly looking concerned.

“Um, yeah,” I answered, a little uncertainly. I was totally fine. Sure I was, even though I

had just seen my favourite male friend in a different light—in a severely attractive, definite

boyfriend-material kind of different light. The thought was as unnerving as it was enticing and I

had to eliminate it from my mind as quickly as I could. I was in love with Gail—even if she had

been more and more distant of late—and that was how I wanted things to stay.

Gently, without trying to reject his comforting touch, I slipped my hand free of his and

let it drop to my side. However, I couldn’t shake the memory of his warm skin wrapped around

mine.

Karl gave me a very sceptical look. He was still puzzled, but seemed marginally satisfied

with my answer. “Okay,” he said softly.

Nervous that he might read something he shouldn’t in my expression, I decided that it

was definitely time to do some work. Besides needing to get my mind off of my sudden flux of

20

emotion with Karl, I had to find a way to occupy my unnerving thoughts about my relationship

with Gail. “Well then, I guess it’s time we got some work done. What was it that you needed a

hand with again,” I asked him—and just like that the subject was sufficiently changed.

21

Chapter 5:

As Karl drew a final line through his design, I watched carefully and felt satisfied by our

decision. The Kendriths would be happy with the translation of space between their old and new

living areas. Their extensive range of antique furniture as well as their demand to have themed

rooms incorporating their belongings made this job substantially more detailed than Karl’s other

projects. Karl’s architectural design incorporated everything they had requested and more. It was

because of this attention to detail and his desire to achieve and impress that Karl was so highly

regarded.

“There,” he muttered to himself as he released the pencil from the paper and placed it

next to the other drafting tools on the tabletop beside him. “I think that should do it,” he

commented to me as he straightened his posture.

Together we stared down at the hard work we’d completed over the last three hours, both

of us appearing pleased with the result. The architectural plan, while only in its draft stage, was

now complete and ready for primary presentation to the Kendriths. It was an obvious relief to

both of us that we were finished.

“I really appreciate your help with this,” Karl told me, glancing over at me from the

draftsman’s table between us. “You seem to be able to think outside the box so much quicker

than me. I swear it would have taken me a couple of days to redesign the living room alone. I

always seem to want to make huge structural changes when the interior design’s at stake,

whereas you seem to notice the practical relocation or subtraction of material which only

changes the internal design not the whole structure and foundation itself.”

I smiled over at him, grateful for his kind words, but sure he would have come to the

same conclusions eventually. “I’m really just a bouncing board, you know,” I told him honestly.

22

“I just reverberate your ideas with personal suggestions. You do all the hard work.” I grinned at

him and pointed down at his design. After all, he was the one who was constantly putting pencil

to paper. I just interpreted his ideas and desires for change in an effort to find the simplest

method of improvement.

“You’re too modest,” he said, bumping affectionately into my shoulder with his own.

“I’m certain you know how much you’ve helped me with this and you should understand how

grateful I am for your time and support, even if I am paying you.” He grinned sincerely at me

before suddenly turning excited. Quickly, he removed his stylish black glasses and left them on

the tabletop beside his drafting equipment. Slipping his strong arm through mine, he ushered me

away from the desk. “And to show you just how thankful I am, afternoon tea will be on me.”

I smirked at his silliness, knowing full well what he meant as he led me through the

contemporary, high-ceilinged rooms to the grand looking staircase near the entrance of the

building.

“Tea for two and choccy biscuits sound good,” he asked me as he glided up the staircase

with me still on his arm.

“Perfect,” I told him. I was used to his teasing side—the part of him that still delighted in

childish kinds of fun and silly kinds of jokes—it was something we had in common. So, I was

sure—as I would’ve been likely to do the same to him—that his mention of shouting me

afternoon tea was clearly a ruse and it was more likely that we would make a pot of tea and vege

out on the sofa upstairs.

On the second storey, he freed me from his embrace and waved me over to the small

open-lounge area which comprised two indigo armchairs and a sofa centred by a black-framed,

glass-topped coffee table. Karl headed over to the large kitchenette as I sat down at one corner of

the sofa. After snapping the jug on and rummaging around in the cupboards, he threw a packet

of Tim-Tams at me.

“Heads up,” he called, before tossing the soft package two metres or so across the room.

“Ta,” I said as I caught the packet midair, grateful that I hadn’t missed it and that it

hadn’t hit me. Tearing the plastic packaging open, I snatched a biscuit out and then relaxed back

into the comfort of the fabric sofa while I nibbled. “You realise they’re mine now, right,” I told

him teasingly through tiny mouthfuls. When his eyes looked up and met mine I clutched the

packet protectively. “All mine,” I said.

He chuckled and then shook his index finger at me. “I don’t think so,” he said, moving a

little menacingly around the kitchenette counter as the jug began to boil. “Whose bickies are they

really?”

I grinned at him and then shrugged non-threateningly. “Mine,” I told him proudly.

23

Karl gave me a devilish grin and stretched his fingers towards me in a ticklish motion, as

if giving me a sign of the punishment to come. “That’s it,” he said defiantly before suddenly

pouncing on me. He lunged across the side of the sofa closest to him, opposite me, and grabbed

for the packet.

“No—m,” I said, squirming away from him while shovelling the rest of my half-eaten

biscuit into my mouth.

Karl grabbed at me, reaching around me and tickling me in an effort to get his hands on

the packet of biscuits. “Give me,” he said childishly with a mischievous grin.

I grinned smugly at him—keeping my mouth closed in an effort to hide semi-chewed

biscuits bits—and then stretched the packet out over the side of the sofa as far away from Karl as

I could get it. He frowned exaggeratedly and then gave me big, hazel puppy dog eyes. Snootily, I

raised my eyebrows and looked down my nose at him, before turning my head away and silently

continuing to chew. Unfortunately for me, Karl wasn’t going to concede defeat that easily. In

one quick move, he grabbed me around the waist and pulled me down across the sofa closer to

him until my back was flat on cushions and my head was resting against the sofa’s arm. I

frowned at him, feigning annoyance. He wasn’t supposed to win so easily.

Karl’s smug expression mirrored my earlier one and he reached over me—his chest

leaning close to mine—until he was able to snatch the packet of biscuits from my outstretched

hand. “Mine,” he said confidently as he took them from me and then impudently stuck his

tongue out.

I pouted unhappily, playfully showing my disapproval as he straightened himself up. But

though I hid it, for some reason I was beginning to feel a little odd at our closeness. It wasn’t as

though we hadn’t acted up like this before, but his touch was beginning to make me feel

different. It was almost unsettling, especially when my heart began to race at his close proximity.

Although I’d felt suddenly awkward, I tried hard to ignore it.

Making sure I was watching, Karl slipped open the packet and retrieved a biscuit from

inside. Delicately, he placed it to his pinkish lips, before snapping his mouth around it and eating

it whole. “Mmmm,” he mumbled, exaggerating his enjoyment for my viewing displeasure, while

obviously finding it difficult to chew.

“Very mature,” I told him as I climbed my way back to a seated position and crossed my

arms over my chest. “Don’t you know it’s kind to share?”

He smiled at me, grinning as I had, trying hard to keep his mouth closed in an effort to

hide the partially chewed biscuit.

“Karlos, if you don’t behave,” I threatened him teasingly, “I’ll tell your mummy on

you.” I narrowed my eyes at him, just as the jug clicked off to announce that it had boiled.

24

It was his turn to pout at me as he reluctantly handed over the packet and then got up to

make our cups of tea. I happily snatched the biscuits from him and then placed the open packet

on the coffee table before me.

“So, where were you thinking of going to dinner tonight,” I asked him, leaving our

childish moment behind. As soon as he left his seat on the sofa beside me I felt more at ease. I

couldn’t understand why I’d suddenly felt so anxious by his closeness, when I hadn’t even

noticed it when we were working downstairs. I couldn’t imagine what might have changed

between then and now to make me feel so strange—besides suddenly seeing Karl for the

attractive, kind, caring, gorgeous man he was. But I’d hoped that that was just a passing

perception—something created by my lack of attention from Gail. Apparently, it appeared as

though I’d been wrong. Desperate not to bring attention to my discomfort and in an effort to

ignore the sensation completely, I forced the conversation to continue. “I’m not sure what you or

the others feel like, but there’s that great Italian place just up from the pub. We could get a seat

by the window.”

“Sounds good to me,” he answered with a kind smile though his eyes were focused on

the mugs in front of him and the jug of boiling water in his hand. “I didn’t have a preference,

though you know we’ll probably have some Italian at tomorrow’s luncheon? Just because Dad’s

barbequing doesn’t mean Mum won’t try to add some of her delicacies.”

I smiled knowingly. Like all Italians, Karl’s mum—Kristabella—was a lover of cooking

and eating, which made her a perfect match for Karl’s Aussie father—Ronald—who was himself

rather a whiz with the barbeque. Every family gathering I’d attended at the Carters had been

overloaded with food. We were never able to get through it all, even with Kris and Ronnie trying

to serve us seconds and thirds. It was always an amazing experience though, quite the opposite

of my family gatherings. I greatly appreciated the time I got to spend with the Carters and was

grateful to Karl for always inviting me—even when it was assumed that I’d be going because

Joseph constantly invited Gail. Karl was great like that—forever trying to include me. I was

lucky to have such a good friend. “Well, if that doesn’t suit, we could try that new French place

across the street or, as a last resort, the pub,” I told him.

He shrugged before grabbing the mugs and heading around the kitchenette. “You know I

love Italian,” he said, smiling at me. “Even if Mum serves it up tomorrow too. I could never get

tired of it—just as I could never get tired of you.” He grinned, big and cheesy, as he handed me

my mug of tea and then sat down on the sofa beside me.

“Aww—”I said a little sarcastically. “You’re so sweet.” I rolled my eyes at him as he

bared his teeth at me in a childish grin. Turning the conversation back to the previous, more

sensible topic, I told him my conclusion. “Italian it is then, unless the others prefer otherwise. I

really feel like a pizza.” I blew on my hot milky tea before taking a sip.

25

“That’s strange,” he told me, “because you don’t look like one.” He glanced over at me

quickly, offering me a ridiculous grin and then covered his mouth with his mug as he sipped his

tea.

“Ha-ha,” I said, giving him a lame laugh for his juvenile joke. “That was just sad.”

“I know,” he told me, breathing out his words in a relaxed sigh, obviously soothed by the

warmth of the tea. “It was terrible, but I’m tired.” He looked over at me and smiled softly.

“Excuses, excuses,” I told him, more sympathetically than my words implied. It had

been a long day and I was beginning to feel a little exhausted. I gave him a kind smile as he slid

across the sofa closer to me and then leant his shoulder against mine.

Placing his half empty mug on the coffee table in front of us, he brought his legs up on

the sofa in a more comfortable position and rested his head against mine.

“What am I,” I asked him quietly as I leant against him in return. “Your personal sofa

cushion?”

He chuckled lightly and released another deep sigh. “Better than that,” he mumbled. “A

personal sofa cushion that moonlights as an interior design liaison. Both comfy and smart.” He

chuckled again and crossed his arms over his chest as though preparing himself for a nap.

I laughed at his words and then reluctantly yawned. “Thanks I think,” I told him.

“Though I doubt I’ve ever been described quite like that before.” Although he chuckled again in

response, he seemed too relaxed to answer me verbally and I had to wonder whether he really

was settling in for a nap. At that thought, I noticed that I was feeling awkward again. “You

better not be falling asleep,” I warned him, trying to be jovial although I was beginning to feel

self-conscious once again at our physical contact. When silence answered me, I became a little

more anxious. I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way. I never had before. It was an odd

sensation, as though I’d developed a crush on him. I had to try to get over it, or at best ignore it.

Deciding to act as I usually did in this situation, I stretched out and put my mug on the

coffee table, being careful not to disturb Karl, and then relaxed into the sofa. The normal me,

without this silly little tingle of feelings, would find it easy to laze about with Karl, knowing full

well that our relationship was purely platonic. It was important for me to get back to that state of

mind. I was starting to feel desperate. Though I couldn’t think of why I was now feeling the way

I did, I was sure that I wanted the feeling gone.

Closing my eyes, I forced myself to relax more deeply into the sofa. I would make myself

get past this feeling. I had to. I needed my comfortable relationship with Karl back, without all

the hormonal, nervous butterflies. As I stressed and continued to compel my body to feel at ease,

my tiredness began to overwhelm me. With another yawn, my breathing steadied and my

anxious thoughts soon turned into dreams.