LOVE AND INDIFFERENCE, LOVE SONGS AND THE DIFFERENCE

Recommendation Report

October 20, 2011

To: David Higginbotham

Written by:Alex Wells

Stephen HendersonAlicia Dayley

Natalie Skoien

Contact Information:1walexw@gmail.com

natalieskoien@gmail.comday08002@byui.edu

sphenhen@gmail.com

Thank you for allowing us to help you on the road to publishing your manuscript. We enjoyed reading your work immensely and found the cross-over between poetry and narrative beautiful. The manuscript certainly has great potential and we are confident that our feedback will move it closer to publication.

When you visited our campus, you spoke of this piece as existing somewhere in the middle on the continuum between poetry and narrative. We feel that for the piece to get where it needs to be, it needs to move further in the direction of the narrative. In doing so, however, we hope it will not lose its poetic feel. Specifically, the two ways in which you can accomplish this task are by improving timeline and characterization, especially in part one of the manuscript.

TIMELINE PROBLEMSTimeline is a major issue in the manuscript. At times, scenes are very loosely connected and the time frame is unclear, leaving the reader disoriented. For example, the reader is unsure of how long the brothers are in their rented house, or how long the narrator is away from Sweet Emily. One section of the manuscript describes Joe’s stint in law school. It reads, “Before his record deal, his new life in Austin, Joe tried law school. But every summer he drove out to California to buy weed…” (13). When is Joe in law school? Did he leave law school just before he meets with his brothers or is this several years in the past? The reader does not know where this piece of information fits within the time frame the story.

The late-night-drive scene with the narrator and Sweet Emily is also unclear. “I’m not stopping, even though Sweet Emily notes the absence of gas in our tank” (35). We know they are in Santa Fe, but we do not know when. Is it a memory with Sweet Emily, or a present event? In one of the narrator’s letters to Joe, he states, “Last Christmas, while you were taking your turn with Laurel, Billy called, drunk on LA sunshine. Or maybe it was his proximity to fame” (19). This passage is unclear. Which Christmas is referenced here? On the previous page they were spending Christmas together and Billy was ill. Did another year pass? When is this Christmas in relation to the other (if they are two different events)? Timeline problems such as these occur frequently throughout the manuscript and require the reader to employ guesswork in order to make any sense of it at all. The following paragraphs provides examples of how this problem might be fixed.

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SOLUTION TO TIMELINEOne solution that would clear up the problems with timeline would be to rearrange the sections into chronological order, but because this would cause the manuscript to lose much of its artistic merit, we recommend a different strategy. The current confusion about where the sections fit into the general timeline can be cleared up by ensuring that each section has an element connecting it chronologically to the others. E. M. Forester explains this principle, “It is never possible for a novelist to deny time inside the fabric of his novel: he must cling however lightly to the thread of his story, he must touch the interminable tapeworm, otherwise he becomes unintelligible, which, in his case, is a blunder.” By touching the timeline in each section, the reader can mentally place each episode and understand what happened when. In The Writer’s Digest Handbook of Short Story Writing, F. A. Rockwell’s essay “Making the Scene” lists five requirements that a well-written scene should contain. He includes “a time boundary” as one of the necessary components of an effective scene.

The narrator talks about migrational instincts on page eight of the manuscript. This section is actually in chronological order, but the reader doesn’t know that because it is following a prologue—which, in modern literature, is often disconnected from the timeline. One way to fix this would be to show the narrator explicitly talking to Emily. “Sweet Emily, How do I explain the migrational instinct I feel? . . . I need a road trip, sudden changes of scenery . . . . Why do I run from you?” This connects the section to the prologue, clearly showing that it is a reaction to the emotions he felt from the miscarriage. The reader now understands where this section fits within the timeline.

Page fourteen describes Christmas in Santa Fe, but it isn’t easy to decipher which Christmas the narrator is referring to. Because it follows a screen play format, adding a phrase to the first sentence would clear up the timing. For example, “Inside the Hotel Santa Fe. Night. Winter. Two months after we were married” or “The winter before the miscarriage.” Phrases like these give the reader a better idea of how this section fits into the timeline of the characters’ lives.

As the author of the manuscript, we understand that you don’t have trouble placing each section, so we recommend that you read each section and identify how the reader will know where to place it. This is especially important in this case, where each page is sharply disconnected from the

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pages before and after. After you add small time-identifying details, readers will be able to make out the storyline. They will know that the narrator is trying to reunite his brothers, that he has left his wife because of the miscarriage, and that flashbacks are indeed flashbacks. As of now, the reader feels like he or she is reading a complex puzzle. We know the narrator at one point is married, at one point is living on a farm with his brothers, at one point has a miscarriage, and at one point celebrates Christmas in Santa Fe, but we are unsure of how these different pieces fit together.

CHARACTERIZATION PROBLEMThe second recommendation that we feel will improve your manuscript involves characterization. The first of F. A. Rockwell’s five requirements is that a well-written scene should contain “sharply delineated characters.” With this in mind, our class discussed with you your ideas on characterization. You expressed a substantial connection with these characters and mentioned that you recognize a marked distinction between Billy and Joe. Unfortunately, while reading the manuscript, we found it particularly difficult to distinguish between Billy and Joe and to establish in our minds individual identities for each brother.

While developing this report, we often found ourselves deliberating over who was who and who did what within the story. A good example of this confusion appears on page eleven. The letter from the narrator to Joe is extremely confusing because, so far, the reader has absolutely no foundation on which to base Billy and Joe. We just don’t know who these people are, except that they are the narrator’s brothers. In the beginning of the letter the narrator writes, “I’m thinking about the summer of eighty-seven. Three teenage brothers in a borrowed Lincoln Towncar.” This makes it seem as though the narrator is writing to Joe about an old memory they share; however, later the letter transitions into “We didn’t see much of you.” This confuses the reader as to whether Joe is one of the “three brothers” or if he is the narrator’s friend or if he started out the trip with them but then deserted halfway through. Because Billy and Joe are major characters within your work, this is certainly something that needs to be addressed. Billy and Joe are similar in many ways such as playing the guitar and going after Laurel. It would be very helpful if you could highlight more differences in addition to their similarities.

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In addition, the reader does not understand who Laurel is, nor the significant impact she has had on these brothers’ lives. If the reader does develop some level of understanding, it comes far too late to produce the intended response. One of the earliest scenes in which Laurel appears is on page thirteen of the manuscript. You begin by describing Joe during his law-school days and then transition into his love life. You write, “He took a girlfriend on his last trip,” and then suddenly it changes to “Laurel came back to him like she had never left.” This creates a problem for the reader because we initially think this “girlfriend” is just a random love interest that passed through Joe’s life at one time, but then you say “Laurel came back to him,” asking the reader to assume the “girlfriend” is Laurel. The reader thinks this Laurel person must be an important character. Yet we are unsure if this is a correct assumption because typically important characters are given more substantial background information. We ask ourselves, “Did we miss something?” Orson Scott Card writes, “Characters, like people, make good or bad first impressions. When characters first show up in a story, we start to like them—or dislike them—right away.” This is certainly something we are lacking when it comes to Laurel. When Laurel is first introduced, we receive very little information about her and her connection with Billy and Joe. The reader fails to recognize her as the intended antagonist.

Your particular piece is quite literally made up of several isolated scenes, so creating “sharply delineated characters” is even more important for you to develop. The following paragraphs provide specific examples from the text itself along with explanations and possible remedies. We hope that these examples will help you identify this problem throughout the manuscript and make changes accordingly.

CHARACTERIZATION SOLUTIONAs has been illustrated, characterization within the novel needs attention. In Aspects of the Novel, Forster places the responsibility for character development squarely upon the shoulders of the author: “People in a novel can be understood completely by the reader, if the novelist wishes. Their inner as well as their outer life can be exposed.” Throughout the manuscript, much of the inner and outer life of the main characters can be exposed in a much clearer way. Shaping the characteristics—physical or otherwise—of each individual will help readers get the story and identify with its characters.

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After an initial reading of the text, the reader still has difficulty distinguishing between the main characters, Billy and Joe. In what way could they be differentiated from one another? Clayton Barbeau illustrates the essence of differentiation in his “The Value of a Wart”:

In the Prologue to the Canterbury Tales, [Chaucer] introduces us to a whole array of pilgrims, devoting only a few descriptive lines to each one. Yet, within those few lines, he slices away this person from all the others making that immortal journey. ‘And at the point of his nose,’ Chaucer says of the Miller, ‘a wart he had, and thereon stood a soft tuft of hairs, red as the bristles in a sow's ear.’ That wart, with its growth of hairs, and the reference to a sow's ear might seem incidental to some, but actually that descriptive line does the job of making the Miller a character from every other person traveling with him. No one else has such a wart. . . . People are fascinating not as the masses . . . but when taken singly. No matter what individual we're confronted with, he's unique. There is not, never has been, and never will be, another person exactly like this one. The problem confronting the writer is that he must, with the economy of his story, pinpoint that specific difference between this man and every other.

The differences between Billy and Joe can be clarified by referring to each brother in separate sections. Some sort of “wart” must be exploited. For instance, in the narrator’s initial letter to Joe, say something specific about Joe that will stick with the reader: the lightening-shaped scar on his forehead, his sandy blonde hair, or whatever it may be. One line may be all that is necessary, but it is crucial. The same must happen for Billy and Laurel. Introduce each character in a memorable way, and as new characters are introduced give them “warts” too. Developing your characters more fully will help the reader make emotional connections with them. This in turn makes reading much more enjoyable.

Another way to improve characterization in general is by clarifying ambiguous pronouns throughout the text. You must find a way to keep characters clearly defined. For instance, on page thirteen take care of pronouns such as “he.” If it is Billy that Laurel is returning to, use Billy’s name in place of “he.” If it is Joe, do the same. Another example appears on page eleven. All of the ambiguous “you’s” are very confusing for the reader. Insert more antecedents throughout the passage to avoid confusion. Again,

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keeping characters distinct from one another will help the reader keep relationships and characters straight. In “Making the Scene,” F.A. Rockwell points out that every scene must contain “sharply delineated characters.” Specificity will never hurt.

CONCLUSIONWe hope you have found the reader’s perspective insightful, and that you will be able to incorporate it into your subsequent revisions. After you address the major gaps in timeline and characterization, the manuscript will be substantially improved. It will have moved closer to the realm of narrative, with one continuous thread connecting each passage, no matter how loosely. We look forward to seeing the finished piece and the changes you incorporate. What follows is an appendix of other passages in need of clarification and their corresponding explanations.

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APPENDIX

Page

Text Comments Fix Explanation

7 We converge, break upon each other. Violent. Brotherly.

The reader doesn’t understand this section in the context of the three brothers. This section comes right after the prologue, so the characters the reader knows are just the narrator and Sweet Emily. This obviously doesn’t apply to the two of them, so the reader is forced to view it in a generic-all-mankind perspective where it loses much of its meaning.

Move this section to after the first letter to Joe.

After the three brothers have been introduced, this section will clearly apply to them and regain its meaning.

8 How do you explain migrational instinct?. . . Stress requires road trip sudden changes of scenery. . Why do I run?

This section elaborates on the idea of migrational instinct and the need to get away, but it isn’t clear to the reader that he is actually running right now. The word ‘stress’ isn’t clearly linked to the events in the prologue, which is the actual reason he is running.

Sweet Emily, How do I explain the migrational instinct I feel? . . . I need a road trip, sudden changes of scenery . . . Why do I run from you?

Adding the first person pronouns anchors the feelings to the moment. The reader sees that these are the things he is feeling now. The reference to Emily informs the reader that he is running from the events that happened in the prologue, and that he is leaving that life.

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9 I have asked for signs, begged in the darkness to hear a voice, but I’m still not ready to listen.

There are multiple interpretations of this passage: Is he praying? Is the voice in the dark Emily’s? God’s? If he is praying, it doesn’t feel consistent with his overall character.

This would create the right tension and at least show that the conflict exists between the narrator and Emily.

10 Consider this an Invitation. . . . Billy is on his way from L.A. Together, we might talk Joe into coming up from Austin. . . . they are what I have left. What’s left of us? You could come and paint.

Alone, this text would probably be clear, but it is couched in a great deal of poetic language that makes the reader doubt the literalness of the narrator’s words.

Consider this letter an Invitation. This place is neutral ground and I don’t know how long I’m going to stay. Billy is on his way from L.A. Together, we might talk Joe into coming up from Austin to join us. Family. I know coming here doesn’t seem so inviting, but they are what I have left. What’s left of us? You could come and paint.

Replacing some of the pronouns with their actual nouns clears up the language and makes it concrete to the reader and much easier to understand.

11 Letter to Joe: “Three teenage brothers...” “No phone calls you said...” We didn’t see much of you.”

In the beginning it sounds as if Joe was present in this memory, but then it changes to the narrator writing Joe as if he was not there.

The reader is confused with the presence or the absence of Joe. Add additional details to clear this up.

Will help the reader understand the facts of the passage which in turn will help the reader make connections with the entire novel itself.

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13 “Before his record deal, his new life in Austin, Joe tried law school. But every summer he drove out to California to buy weed...”

This passage is obviously just reminiscing about the past, but the reader is still unaware of where this episode occurs in relation to the rest of the story.

Clarification on the timeline is needed.

Fixing this section will help the reader understand later sections, such as when Joe steps off the bus and joins the brothers.

13 He took a girlfriend on his last trip. . . . When he came out, the car was gone. . . . She was gone. Billy still high on an old college girlfriend who had moved to some kind of hippie convent. Laurel came back to him like she had never left.

Is Laurel one of the two previously mentioned girlfriends? Both or neither? Also, it isn’t clear to which brother Laurel is returning because the “he” in the sentence is ambiguous.

Be specific with your “he’s.” Use Laurel’s name on the first reference to her.

This fix will help the reader keep characters straight.

14 At this point we still have trouble distinguishing between Joe and Billy. This might be the right time (or, it might be a bit late already) to give them more description, set them apart from each other in a memorable way.

Physical description or something about the demeanor of each would help distinguish them from each other.

It helps the reader keep characters straight throughout the story, establishes them.

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14 The lobby is decorated for Christmas.

The last piece of present action we have is of the narrator still driving across the country to the west. This is a “screenplay” section, however, it is unclear whether this is the following Christmas and the narrator has been out west for who knows how long and Emily has come out to be with him during Christmas, or if this is the narrator’s memory of the past, or if it was near Christmastime when the narrator initially set out. I love the passage and the ways in which we get to know Joe and Billy and Laurel and even the narrator, but a reader such as myself needs a more concrete idea of time.

Since it is treated like a screenplay, a great fix would be to simply include the year or something in the very first description. This way you don’t have to spend too much time and effort getting readers to understand time. For example: “Inside the Hotel Santa Fe. Night. Winter. Two months after we were married...” or, “The winter before the miscarriage...” or some time-binding phrase.

This gives the reader means to form a more concrete sense of time throughout the novel.

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19 Last Christmas, while you were taking your turn with Laurel, Billy called, drunk on LA sunshine. Or maybe it was his proximity to fame.

This passage implies that Billy called (from LA?) during Christmas. On the previous page, Billy is sick with the rest of them in Santa Fe during Christmas. The “drunk on LA sunshine” phrase gives the idea that Billy wasn’t in Santa Fe at all. Is it metaphorical? Did an entire year go by without the reader knowing? Is the author referring to a separate Christmas incident?

Adjusting the phrase to ensure that the timeline is understandable.

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20 This too, is a memory worthy of a gilded frame.

Because this letter to Joe begins with this sentence, the reader instantly thinks this is a memory and not an actual event that is occurring in real time. This, in turn, also throws the reader into thinking this is a separate occasion of “running” than the occasion at the very beginning after the prologue. The occasion that is fueling the novel. However I am quite certain it is meant to be part of the same action, just a follow up describing the actual coming together of the three brothers. It sounds as if the narrator is writing to Joe and inviting him to come to NM with him and Billy.

Simply remove the first three sentences of this passage and start with “we have come from the coasts.” Once this and the initial fact that the narrator is running from his family tragedy has been established, the passage will be clear.

This will better distinguish this passage from others that are scene description or memory. It will help the reader know this is part of the real time action or plot of the story.

20 Billy is at the bar with a photo of lost youth, like he’s looking for a missing person. Have you seen her?

On the second reading, I realized that this is probably a reference to Laurel, not a real missing person.

Billy is at the bar with a photo of lost youth, like he’s looking for a missing person, but the face is Laurel’s. Have you seen her?

If there is sufficient clarification of Billy obsession over Laurel earlier in the text, the change may not be needed, but this clearly connects the photo to Laurel.

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21 “Sinner,” he says as the song ends, I think how does he know?

There is very little connection between each page of the novel up to this point, but this sentence, the first in its section can only be understood in the context of the previous page.

“Sinner,” says the preacher as the song ends, I think how does he know?

This connects the words being spoken to the preacher, and wouldn’t take away from the “flow” of the section.

26 The reader can tentatively infer that the brothers are renting the house, but is missing the “why.” Is the narrator planning on staying away for a long period of time? How much time has passed since he left and how much longer is he planning on staying? It seems a long time if he and his brothers are renting a house. Once again, though, the passage sounds and feels a lot like a memory. Almost as if the narrator is writing to Emily about a memory in their past.

I recommend that a simple introduction of the subject of the action will help to clarify this passage. For example, “We see faded for rent signs in the window...” or use one of the brother’s names in connection with a description. Like, “Billy grinned/frowned/laughed/whatever at the Formica countertops, avocado with sea-foam swirls...” Even better, use both.

Once again this helps the reader know that this is current action of the story and also is something the brothers are doing together in New Mexico on their family reunion thing.

28 “Carson is back the next morning with a bag of lambs’ ears, barn cats sitting in our open windows.”

Before this point there is no mention of Carson’s name. I am assuming he is the bartender/ preacher. During my first read I didn’t know who Carson was.

When you first introduce Carson, give him a name. Or keep using “the preacher” to name him and don’t ever use Carson.

By giving him a name early, you ground him into the story. He is then readily recognizable when mentioned.

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34 The first one’s named Sweet-Emily and she’s my heart’s delight. . . .Sweet-Emily, you will make a handsome addiction.

It isn’t clear if there is a chair from the thrift store that the narrator calls Sweet-Emily or if Emily is actually there, or if the narrator is speaking to her as though she were present. The future tense of the last sentence adds to the image that it must be the name of a chair, because the narrator has a relationship with Emily already so the future tense is strange, unless he is going to be addicted to the chair--which is also strange.

I named the first one Sweet-Emily and she’s my hearts delight.

It clarifies that the narrator is naming the chair after his wife, which makes the rest of the section makes sense.

35 I’m not stopping, even though Sweet-Emily notes the absence of gas in our tank.

The action of the section is occurring in Santa Fe which the reader learns from the first line, but it is unclear whether this is the narrator’s memory of a past event with Sweet Emily, or if this is present time and Sweet Emily has come to Santa Fe to visit the narrator while he is visiting his brothers.

Clarify for the reader the time frame of this particular event in relation to the current action of the story.

Helps the reader place the section among the other sections he or she has read. This helps establish characterization and relationships among characters and events.

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37 “Sweet Emily has heard stories,” and “she enters with purpose, rearranges the pantry, spends Saturday with a borrowed Singer sewing curtains.”

This page confuses the reader because these passages make it really sound like it is the narrator and Emily’s house because here she is decorating and cleaning and putting a personal touch on the house.

I see that the very first line of the next page is “on the second day of Emily’s visit.” Move this line to the previous section (or the section when she first arrives to visit). This would clear this up immensely in my mind. Give the reader more of a sense that she is there visiting and simply helping the guys get the house in order.

Helps the reader establish the basic facts of the story line and organize all of the information in a way that makes sense.

39 Our bed is a continent we can’t cross.

I absolutely love this imagery and I can definitely see what you are trying to do here, but I recommend just giving the reader more of it. This is really the first time you are blatantly establishing the fact that the occurrence in the prologue has created some sort of difficulty/awkwardness within their relationship. This idea solidifies in the reader’s mind the reason why the narrator has come out west in the first place.

I think it would definitely help make the novel stronger if you were able to add in more suggestive hints like this that demonstrate a change in the relationship due to the death of the baby. Maybe in the narrator’s letters to Emily.

The imagery given in this passage is not as strong as it could be because the situation between Sweet Emily and the narrator after the death of the baby has not been clearly enough established. It would also give a clearer meaning to the last phrases of this passage, “When are you coming home?” and “I think I am home.”

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44 A sixteen year old tried the turn at a hundred miles an hour... Carson is only the absent sound of his name.

We understand that some reckless teenager took the unmarked turn too fast and got into a wreck. However it is not clear how Carson ended up dying. Since the cops are over near Carson’s house is it safe to assume that the driver flew off the road and into Carson’s house, killing him? I presume this is what you mean to explain, however the way the sentences are worded in this section make it sound as if the teenager’s name was Carson and he was killed in the accident. However we come later to find out that the brothers go to Carson the bar-man’s funeral.

“A sixteen year old tried the turn at a hundred miles an hour, flew his birthday present into Carson’s house. Now ‘Carson’ is only the absent sound of his name.”

With this small change the reader now has a better understanding of what happened and who ended up losing their life. Not the sixteen year old Carson, the bartender, preacher Carson.

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