Loss and separation

An Introduction for schoolsEmpower Plus

Why consider loss?

• It affects children’s learning• Behaviour• Friendships• Children will respond in different ways to loss

depending on their past experiences and their current situation

Excluded children

• Many children excluded from school have experienced a significant family bereavement.

• Family breakdown• Many changes of school

Some statistics

• 92% of young people in the UK will experience a significant bereavement before the age of 16 and 4-7% will lose a parent through death.

(Ribbens, McCarthy & Jessop 2005)• 54% of young offenders have experienced a

significant bereavement in the 2 years before their offence. (Excellence & Enjoyment 2005)

More statistics

• Approximately 1 in 3 marriages ends in divorce.

• 1 in 4 young people report physical violence between those caring for them.(Cawson 2002)

• 920,000 children live with parental alcohol misuse (Bancroft & Wilson 2004)

• About 150,000 children experience imprisonment of a parent each year. (Social Exclusion Unit Report 2002)

Role of schools

• We are a universal service that can recognise and respond to loss and its effects.

• We are in partnership with other services and are in an ideal position to:

‘lay down the foundations for later success, not just in education, but in supporting the welfare of the whole child’ DfES 2004

Every Child Matters agenda

What losses do children experience?

• TASK Spend a few minutes with your partner or in a

small group and jot down any losses that you think children experience.

Feedback to whole group

What is loss?

• Loss is losing someone or something that was loved or important to the individual.

• Loss can be of:• Relationships – people or pets• Secure familiar environment• Objects that give comfort or have significant

connections• Self – image e.g. Aspirations, status, credibility• Skills or abilities

Losses / obvious or not?• Parents divorcing• Moving country, house, home or school• Changing teachers /TA• Parent/carer in the armed forces• Being held back a year in school• Personal or family health changes• Being a young carer• Being hospitalised• Not being chosen• Death of a close person

More losses?• Loss of friendships• Living with an alcoholic parent• Change of family financial situation• Friends or relatives moving away• Death of a pet• Long term illness of someone close• Abuse• Being laughed at• Changing class/tutor group• Being excluded from school

Reactions to loss

• These reactions may manifest themselves:• Physically – preoccupation, headaches, lack of

sleep, slowing of reactions, accident prone• Behaviourally – aggression or being very quiet

and withdrawn, thumb sucking, bed wetting• Emotionally – mood swings, anger, sadness,

anxiety

Winston’s Wish Schools Information Pack (1)

• This valuable pack contains information on how children react to loss according to their age. Under the section ‘What are they feeling?’ you can see the reactions for children under 2 years old, 2-5 years, 6-9 years, 9-13 years and adolescents.

Winston’s Wish School’s Information Pack

The pack also contains: • Aids for speaking with a pupil about death and

specifically death in their family.• Learning ideas for the classroom with national

Curriculum references.• Assembly and whole school communication

ideas.• Ideas for memorial activities.

Effects on learning

• Intrusive thoughts• Preoccupation• Feeling angry• Feelings of helplessness• Sleep disturbanceQuestions: What might we see? How would this

affect classroom performance? What could we do?

Effects on social interaction

• Intolerance• Feelings of difference or isolation• Feeling ashamed or embarrassed• Detachment from reality• Aggression or defianceQuestions: What might we see? How would this

affect classroom performance? What could we do?

Two DVD examples

• Teenage Grief created by Leeds Animation Workshop.

• You’ll always remember them even when you’re old (Child Bereavement Network)

What can we do to help?

• Prepare ourselves now for what we may have to do at some time in the future.

• Ensure we have contact points and materials for when our help is needed.

• When our help is needed try the following:1.Acknowledge the child’s bereavement ‘ I was

sorry to hear about .............

More helpful strategies

2. Maintain normal structures and routines, but temper expectations with kindness and understanding. If necessary provide alternative practical activities.

3. Create opportunities for the child to talk if they wish, but do not press them to talk.

4. Ensure you have the facts about the situation so you can speak factually to the child.

To be avoided

• Don’t use platitudes, such as ‘You’ll soon get over it.’

• Don’t say ‘I know exactly how you feel.’• Don’t minimise the loss.• Don’t dwell on the event.• Don’t talk about the child with other adults in

the room, as if they weren’t there.

The needs of bereaved teenagersWilliam Worden (1996)

1. Adequate information2. Fears and anxieties addressed3. Reassurance they are not to blame4. Careful listening and watching5. Validation of Individuals’ feelings6. Help with overwhelming feelings7. Involvement and inclusion8. Continued routine activities9. Modelled grief behaviours10. Opportunities to remember

Parents splitting up

• www.itsnotyourfault.org is a wonderful website for children and young people. It acknowledges children’s feelings, provides practical advice, helps children to realise they are not alone and makes it abundantly clear that they are not to blame! More details are to be found in your handouts.

Children’s responses to significant circumstances involving loss

• “It was the worst part of my life – constantly being shouted at, frightened, living in fear,..thinking that every day could be our last” (Mulinder et al in Children and Domestic Violence, Gorin 2006.)

• “It took me a year and a half to get over it. ‘Cos I missed my dad.” (Facing Family Change – Wade & Smart, 2002)

What may children want?

• They are most likely to talk with relatives and/or friends rather than professionals.

• Appropriate information and where to get help.

• Kindness and comfort offered in a general way from adults at school.

• A good starting point could be to ask ‘What could we do to help?’ What would help most?’

Reflections• What we have done today may have been

enough for you to reflect on your skills and knowledge. You may have gained some new thoughts, skills and awareness of where to go for help.

• We are all on a journey and I hope that this short workshop has provided you with something to take with you and will help yourself and the young people you care for. Thank you for your time.

• John Fardon June 2008 www.empower-plus.co.uk