1

ANDY WILLIAMSONLOSS. AND FOUND

A CO

LLEC

TION

OF

POEM

S

LOSS. AND FOUND

A collection of poems

ANDY WILLIAMSON

poems.andywilliamson.com

ISBN 978-1-291-52550-2 Copyright © 2013 Andy Williamson. All rights reserved

The poems and images in this edition are copyright and must not be reproduced by any process without the written permission of the copyright holder. Some poems in this collection have previously been published elsewhere.

inside

1 introduction3 poppies: june5 deep water6 behind the yellow line8 almost valentines day9 loss. and found11 poppies: july13 turangawaewae14 map 15 the house that is my heart16 coming home17 secret18 hold up your hand 19 another perfect day20 korowai 21 you are my weather 22 washing machine 23 you25 poppies: august27 what you wanted28 travelling at speed 29 this novel30 irony31 fear/love 32 anunfinishedpoem35 poppies: september

1

introduction

This collection was, with one exception, written between 2007 and 2013.

Thepoemsandimagesreflectthepassageofrelationshipsand our physical movement in the pursuit of (or away from) them. How do we re-negotiate our own sense of belonging and meaning through multiple migrations (of self and heart), yet remain anchored?

Nothing happens in isolation. This collection began to form in New Zealand, in the Waitakere Ranges and alongside the ManukauHarbour.ItwasfinishedinEastLondon,closetotheRiverLeaandtheThames.Placesbetweenmightbelessobvious but are no less important. The images are collectively derivedfromEastSussexandProvence,inthewindshadowsofFirleBeaconandthePetitLuberon.

The poems are thematic. They are not serial. Some poems contain words written in Maori. They are not translated. Translation colonises meaning.

Who are they about? I don’t know. Or I won’t say.

poppies: june

5

deep water

momentarily theresurprisedby the intensityin your eyes

lostin that split-secondI can see everythingthat has gone before

but no matterhow hard I tryyour intentionselude me

6

behind the yellow line

that cold wind from the east comesinofftheriverit tears through the gaps in the concrete walls

tears through anyone who gets in its way

peopleeverywherepushing against itmoving quickly to escape

if I put an arm around youwould you draw me closefor all I know it might be what you want

7

are we at the point of a missed opportunityare we friends or loversare you the one or just one of the others

I don’t want to be the onewho stands back when the train’s approachingplaying it safe behind the yellow line

8

almost valentines day

I was absorbed in your smilea whirlpool of alcoholand hormonestwo days short of valentines day

walking you homewas a bold move I knowbut how else could someone who knew nothingattain the unattainable

when you asked me inI stayed without understanding the enormity of who you wereand what I had done

9

loss. and found

life is about losslost seconds lost daysspent procrastinatingover lost opportunities

the fear of rejectionandlostconfidencebrought on bylostconfidences

lost love yes andlasting regrets butwho wants to lingerwhen the clock is ticking

and you are here

poppies: july

13

turangawaewae

this is the place where I standwithitsblacksandandfiercesurfblood-red pohutukawa burning under a blistering sun

the bush yellow with spring’s kowhai andwhitefiresofclematisrain dripping from the tips of pongawhere tui sing the land’s song

this is the place that has brought me home it is here that I have learnt to stand aloneand I would leave it in an instantto be with you

14

map

the day I leftmy heart crackedwith the thoughtof us being apart

the next day I knew that it was you I had to be withthe clouds told me

so I have done itI’ve torn up the mapthat has led me hereit’s no longer needed

my new map is woven from our loveand it is leadingme home

15

the house that is my heart

the house that was my hearthad thick walls to resist attack and one small room where I was safe

the house that is my hearthas a room I built for youI still keep guard so that we are safe

the house that my heart will becomeis a palace in a grand parkwith enough room to hold us all

16

coming home

this is somewhere I have not been for twenty yearsit is new

and familiarthe map has been redrawn soImustfindmywayfor a second time

I see signs I knowsights that seem the sameonly frozen in my mindI see the scars

and the changesI never knew beforethis is somewhere I will call home again

17

secret

can you keep a secretif I tell you how I feelwhispering it to youas you sleep

so when I dream about youyou will know

I can keep your secretif you tell me how you feelyou can whisper it to meas I sleep

so when you dream about me I will know

18

hold up your hand

hold up your handourfingersopenthen fold aroundeach other

tightlyyou squeeze my handand I replylove travels like electricity

from half a world awayand in this momentit is as ifI never left

19

another perfect day

you are likesummer’s rain on hot tarmacbluebellsinanEnglishwoodheavy waves piling onto the black sanda tui singing above meyou are my anchorfamiliar, warma part of me

you are likeChristmasmy birthdaylike Tuesdaythesmellofcoffeeand fresh bread in the morningthefirsthotdayofsummeror the August sun at Muriwai

you are likeanother perfect day

20

korowai

we stand on the platformthe autumn equinox foldingits cold arms around us

sevengeeseflyoverheadintersecting the railway linecalling to each other as they pass

I wrap my soul in a korowaimade from the sea mistthesaltheavypacificoceanand our love

21

you are my weather

your eyes are my oceanyour tears salty likethepacific

your temperthe winter stormrolling in across the harbourforcing me to run for cover

your passion a summer’s day in aucklandhot, cyclonicthe humidity driving meto a cold shower

hoping for momentary relief

22

washing machine

soak and a rinsegets everything readyrelaxes the loadrelieves the tensionready for the tumultfaster and fasterwith power and rhythmshirt pressed against shirtthen thrust apartthe world shuddersdrainsandfinallystands there silentcycle over

23

you

I desire you the curve of your bodythe softness of your skinyour head on my shoulderandourfingersentwined

poppies: august

27

what you wanted

you told meyou wanted it allwhen all I wantedwas you to want me

you saidjoin me on my bed of rosesbut kept the petalsleaving me the thorns

to prick my conscience

you saidlet’s swim in my deep riverbut took me outtoo far from the edge

formyunconfidentstroke

so when you told meyou wanted it allwhat was there leftfor me to say?

28

travelling at speed

I woke up one day and realised that I was old when I was young and foolish and you left

I became consumed I became confused

not wanting to stop or think or dream always travelling at speed

29

this novel

one day I will write myself this novelabout a manand the woman that he lovedof how he held herhow he couldn’t say enough to make her staycouldn’t say anythingeven though they knew the words

and when I write myself this novelI might change the namesso you won’t recognise meor will you knowmy tears through the ink

30

irony

is it ironicthat what you truly desireare the poet’s words

31

fear/love

[your] fear willnever be more powerfulthan [my] love

but

[my] love willnever be enoughto save [you]

32

an unfinished poem

why are you reading these words?they aren’t your wordsthey are minenot yet formed

who is she? I don’t knowor I won’t saybecause it doesn’t matter

why are you so afraid?this isn’t a script for your favourite soapit’s just

anunfinishedpoem

poppies: september

5255027812919

ISBN 978-1-291-52550-290000

poems.andywilliamson.com

POPPIES:MAY(FRONTCOVER),JUNE(TOP),JULY,AUGUST,SEPTEMBER (BOTTOM).