LLalaska,Quotes,Anti Twilight Review

8/8/2019 LLalaska,Quotes,Anti Twilight Review

1/13

Freestyle:

At the barn that afternoon, Takumi decided we needed to have a freestyle contest. "You start, Pudge,"Takumisaid. "Colonel Catastrophe, you're our beat box." "Dude, I can't rap," I pled."That's okay. The Colonel can't drop beats, either. Just try and rhyme a little and then send it over to me."

With his hand cupped over his mouth, the Colonel started to make absurd noises that sounded more like

fartingthan bass beats, and I, uh, rapped."Um, we're sittin' in the barn and the sun's goin' down / when I was a kid at Burger King I wore a crown /

dude, Ican't rhyme for shit / so I'll let my boy Takumi rip it."Takumi took over without pausing. "Damn, Pudge, I'm not sure I'm quite ready / but likeNightmare on

ElmStreet's Freddy / I've always got the goods to rip shit up / last night I drank wine it was like hiccuphiccup / theColonel's beats are sick like malaria / when I rock the mike the ladies suffer hysteria / I represent Japanas well asBirmingham / when I was a kid they called me yellow man / but I ain't ashamed a' my skin color / andneither arethe countless bitches that call me lover."Alaska jumped in."Oh shit did you just diss the feminine gender / I'll pummel your ass then stick you in a blender / you

think I likeTori and Ani so I can't rhyme / but I got flow like Ghostbusters got slime / objectify women and it's fuckin'on /

you'll be dead and gone like ancient Babylon."Takumi picked it up again."If my eye offends me I will pluck it out / I got props for girls like old men got gout / oh shit now my

rhyming gotall whack / Lara help me out and pick up the slack."Lara rhymed quietly and nervouslyand with even more flagrant disregard for the beat than me. "My

name'sLara and I'm from Romania / thees is pretty hard, um, I once visited Albania / I love riding in Alaska'sGeo / Mytwo best vowels in English areEO II'm not so good weeth the leetle i's / but they make me soundcosmopoleeteen, right? / Oh, Takumi, I think I'm done / end thees game weeth some fun.""I drop bombs like Hiroshima, or better yet Nagasaki / when girls hear me flow they think that I'm

Rocky / torepresent my homeland I still drink sake / the kids don't get my rhymin' so sometimes they mock me / my

buildain't small but I wouldn't call it stocky / then again, unlike Pudge, I'm not super gawky / I'm the fuckin'fox andthis is my crew / our freestyle's infused with funk like my gym shoes. And we're out."The Colonel rapped it up with freestyle beat-boxing, and we gave ourselves a round of applause.

Funny Quotes(my faves)


2/13

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their

motives.

When I said 'death' before 'dishonor', I meant alphabetically.

Putting the laughter back into manslaughter.

When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.

Hurricanes are like women : when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your

house and car.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest.

A little necrophilia never killed anyone.

Dyslexics Of The World Untie.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.


3/13

Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Without me, it's just aweso.

He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.

I miss you like a retard misses the point.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo.

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?

If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

I went too a restaurant that served breakfast at anytime, so i ordered french toast during the renaissance.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.


4/13

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.

Yo momma's so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost.

If your name was homework, I would be doing you on my desk right now.

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia.

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away,

and have his shoes.

I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the

ceiling.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?

When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!


5/13

Bad Book Month

In Which I Read Bad Books on Purpose

Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

Oh, my. This book justifies Bad Book Month all by itself. It's appalling. The redeeming factors are few and

far between (mostly Charlie, because he's sweet; and maybe Jasper), but they're helpless against the

overwhelming gag factor.

The most appalling element, however, is how popular this novel is. How many teenage girls are drinking

this up and screaming for more. I fear for my gender's future, for what they're learning about love and

relationships through this series.

However, I'm not the only one who's noticed the general lack of quality about this book (and its sequels,

which I hear just get worse). avadriel posted an insightful, if scathing, review of the book. Readingthe one-star reviews on Amazon is also quite fun.

Because of the amount of anti-Twilight stuff out there - though, granted, it only equals the smallest

fraction of the pro-Twilight fangirl mania - I'm not going to write a review. I'm not going to go into the

disturbing way Bella and Edward's obsessive relationship is portrayed as true love, or how borderline

abusive it is, with Bella's complete lack of self outside Edward and Edward's controlling, emotionally

unstable behavior. I don't have anything new to say on the topic.

I am, instead, going to provide you with a catalog. A count of various elements in the book, which should

give you a feel for exactly how numerous its flaws are.

The Catalog

Number of Pages in the Book: 498

The First Hint of a Plot that Is Not Bella and Edward's Romance: page 328

When the Plot Actually Arrives: page 372

Boys that Totally Love Bella (Including Edward Cullen): 5
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6/13

Approximate Amount of Time Bella and Edward are Romantically Involved Before Bella Is Begging

Edward to Turn Her into a Vampire so They Can Be Together Forever: Like, two weeks. Maybe three. The

timeline's a bit fuzzy.

References to Edward's Beauty: 165

Broken Down into the following categories -

Face: 24 (Favorite adjectives: glorious, heavenly, seraphic)

Voice: 20 (The voice of an archangel, donchaknow.)

Eyes: 17

Movement: 11

Smile: 10

Teeth: 8

Muscles: 7

Skin: 7 (Note: This only contains accounts of Edward's skin being beautiful. I didn't count

references to it as "pale," "cold," or "white." If I had, this number would be about ten times

larger.)

Iron Strength or Limbs: 5

Breath: 4 (EVEN HIS BREATH IS AMAZING.)

Scent: 4

Laughter: 3

Handwriting: 2

Chest: 2

Driving Skills: 1

The Number of Times...

Bella Is Clumsy or Makes a Reference to Her Clumsiness: 26

Bella Sneers at Forks or Its Inhabitants: 22

Bella is "Dazzled" or Rendered Speechless by Edward's Beauty or Touch: 17

Edward Tells Bella to Stay Away from Him While Completely Contradicting Himself with His

Behavior: 16

Bella is Utterly Desolate at Edward's Absence: 12

Edward and Bella Kiss: 8

Bella's Hormones Get the Better of Her and She Attacks Edward, Almost Causing Him to

Eat Her: 2 (She's not even allowed to kiss him back! Where's the fun in that?)


7/13

Edward's Kiss Makes Bella Faint: 1

Edward's Kiss Makes Bella's HeartLiterally Stop: 1

Bella Thinks She Isn't Good Enough for Edward: 6

Edward Is Referred to As Godlike: 5 (Note: This number might be off, as I didn't start counting

until three or four mentions in.) Edward Tells Bella She's Unnatural: 5

Edward Sparkles: 3

Bella is in Mortal Danger: 3

Edward Saves Bella from Mortal Danger: 3

Edward Stalks Bella, For Real: 2 (Note: One of these instances involves watching her sleep every

night for, like, months.)

Bella says "Holy Crow!": 2

Bella and Edward Argue About Who Loves the Other Most: 1

Edward's Inability to Read Bella's Mind is Explained: 0

I would have kept track of how many times Edward's mood shifts unexpectedly and for no reason, but I

didn't have that much paper. I am sad, though, that I didn't keep track of how many times words like

"granite," "stone," and "marble" are used in reference to Edward. His arms, his lips. Explain to me how

kissing cold, marble lips is at allappealing. And yet it makes Bella faint. I give up.

+++++++

Lines That Made Me Laugh Out Loud Because...Well, You'll See:

I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious.

Note: Unless I say otherwise, just assume such sentiments are referring to Edward in all his glory.

He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating

arms bare.

Incandescent. Scintillating. The adjectives in this book cracked me up. Because he sparkles!

The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.


8/13

Paled! Is that a joke? Oh, she's serious? I was afraid of that.

As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my

mouth water.

This to me was the most disturbing aspect of Edward's inhuman perfection. It's just weird. And gross. And

weird.

Edward: "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."

Um, Ed, babe? You were seventeen when you were turned. I highly doubt those "hungers" were foreign to

you.

I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest.

He pressed his cool lips to my forehead, and the room spun. The smell of his breath made it impossible to

think.

Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my name, calling me to the only

heaven I wanted.

He leaned in slowly, the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. But when theydid, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether.

...EDWARD KISSES HER AND HER HEART LITERALLY STOPS. I just...I don't even know what to do

with this. Other than laugh hysterically while I beat my head against the table.

+++++++

From now on, I'm using the word "Edwardian" to refer to something inhumanly beautiful or perfect. For

example: "Joe is totally Edwardian. Did you see his abs?"

And, because I am going to laugh at Edward Cullen for the rest of my life - because why, if you are

immortal and so gorgeous that women faint at the sight of you, would you enroll in high school?wouldn't

you have better things to do with your time? - I decided to start by writing a short parody ofTwilight.

When I finished, I realized it wasn't quite as much of a parody as I'd hoped, because the writing is actually


9/13

like this. It's hard to make it even more ridiculous, but I tried. I'm pretty sure every adjective I used is

already in the book. Multiple times.

Note: This contains a ridiculous theory of mine regarding the Twilightcover. Why is she holding an

apple? Why?I get the color scheme, but an apple?Thus was born my vampiric fruit theory.

Note 2: Also, I think the funniest thing in the world would be if Edward actually ate Bella. I'd, like, frame

that passage. Sadly, at the end of the series, I have the feeling Bella will have yet anothertragic accident,

only this time, the only way Edward will be able to save her is to turn her into a vampire - just as she's

always wanted! And I will mourn the death of teen literature.

And now - the parody!

+++++++

Duskiness

Edward leaned toward me, his perfect face inches from mine. His sweet, delicious breath ghosted over my

face. His golden eyes glowed with love.

How do you like it? he whispered, his velvet voice purring in my ear.

I couldnt respond, so dazzled was I by his sparkling skin. He shone like a diamond in the sun, a godlike

creature before me.

He smirked at my befuddlement, but then his face darkened and he thundered, Dont be difficult, Bella!

I cringed, but he instantly softened, chuckled his bell-like laugh, and leaned toward me again. His cold,

pale fingers brushed my cheek. I stopped breathing.

Come here, he said, bounding up in one of those blindingly-fast movements Id grown accustomed to. I

want to show you something.

He led me to a small creek and sank gracefully into the grass at its edge. I tripped over a pebble and

landed on my face in the mud. Edward laughed. How could he love me? He was so beautiful, gorgeous,

and perfect. Like the statue of David come alive. Like Adonis, a god, an angel.


10/13

Edward removed his shoes and rolled up the cuffs of his jeans, and I gasped at the sight of his white,

smooth ankles. Sunlight reflected off his toenails, each an ivory glint of perfection. Id never seen

Edwards feet before. I hadnt realized he could be more beautiful than he was, but there seemed no end to

his beauty.

My heart beat madly in my chest, bounced up into my throat, ricocheted off half a dozen ribs, and finally

settled somewhere in the vicinity of my kneecap. I collapsed.

Faster than a speeding bullet, Edward had lifted me in his marble arms and cradled me to his granite

chest. Bella?Bella! he screamed. No!

The sight of his perfect, glorious face so twisted in anguish sent waves of torture through my body.

Edward! I gasped.

His cold, unyielding lips pressed to mine, but I dared not move for fear of breaking his control, so

irresistible did he find the scent of my blood. I could not bear knowing I had caused Edward pain by

forcing him to eat me. My heart fluttered around my kneecap.

The kiss done, Edward set me on my feet. Without moving, I tripped over a stick and would have fallen in

the stream had Edward not caught me in his iron embrace.

Will you answer a question? I asked.

Of course, my love, my life, my forever, Edward said, casually tearing boulders apart with his toes. I

watched, spellbound for a moment, before remembering myself.

I once asked if you could turn into a bat, and you just laughed.

Edward smirked. Because it was a stupid question. We dont turn into bats. Why would we want to turn

into bats?

But can you turn into something?

Of course. He stood, stretched, and his shirt rose enough for me to catch a glimpse of his sculpted abs

above his waistband. I hyperventilated and passed out.


11/13

When I awoke, Edward was speaking.

for disguise.

What? I asked breathlessly.

I said, we turn into fruit. Its great for disguising yourself. He watched me carefully, to see if this

revelation would finally be the one that convinced me he was a monster, that sent me screaming from

him.

Oh. I said. What kind of fruit?

He looked frustrated, annoyed, euphoric, scared, nervous, grumpy, amused, sleepy, and sad. Like an

archangel come down from heaven to bless me with his presence. An apple.

Oh. Can I see?

Rage colored his features. No! Why cant you understand? Im a danger to you! I could kill you! I should

leave you forever! He threw himself forward and wrapped his arms around me. I should go right now!

Its the only way to keep you safe!

Despair settled over me, so thick and heavy I could hardly see. No, Edward! Dont leave me! I know weve

only been together for three hours, but I want to spend forever with you! Please!

He pulled back and looked at me, thousands of emotions roiling in his liquid topaz eyes. Do you mean

that, Bella?

Yes.

Very well.

His perfect, glorious, heavenly face dipped toward me, and he touched his cold lips to my neck. He

growled deep in his throat, a sound that traveled up and down my spine like lightning.


12/13

Then came a sharp pain. His grip tightened. I gasped his name. My sight dimmed until all I could see was

the sparkle of his skin, calling me to paradise.

Then nothing.

****

Edward looked down at the body of Bella Swan, pale and lifeless in his pale and lifeless arms.

Oops.

His sobs shook the forest for six long seconds, and then he stood, wiping a drop of blood from the corner

of his mouth.

Yum.

He sprinted for the edge of the forest, moving faster than any living creature, and wondered if that Angela

girl would be his new lab partner.

The End!

+++++++

And now you don't have to read the book. Your brain will thank you.

+++++++

EDIT 6/14/2008:

After the sudden slew of reviews to this entry, I've decided to add a little postscript. I wrote this for a few

people on my flist I knew would enjoy it and never intended to post it to any comms or in anyway try to

get it out to the mass-Twilight-reading public. I amused myself and some others, and that was all I

intended.


13/13

That said, for all of you who have stopped by in the last month, read, commented, and enjoyed, I'm glad I

was able to bring a little laughter and humor into your day, and thank you for enjoying this so much that

you shared with others. I am humbled and honored by your attention.

Two small things, and then I'll stop making this epic post even longer.

1. Shortly after I posted this, someone pointed out the apple=forbidden fruit thing to me. I felt really

stupid for about five minutes, but couldn't be bothered to edit the post. Rest assured that I am firmly

aware of the cover's symbolism at this time.

2. Apparently I spelled Stephenie Meyer's name wrong. Sorry 'bout that.

-Yoni

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LLalaska,Quotes,Anti Twilight Review