Light, Bright & TightService Descriptions

May 2008

InformOntario Symposium

Workshop Strategy

Points to cover:• changing trends in information structure• Style Guide – recommended approach• structure of a service description• active verbs• problem areas – ID and fix• hands on samples• the conversion – issues and tips• Q & A

Our Descriptions Now

• traditional approach– prose / full sentences

• lots of punctuation• lots of varied sentence structure,

length and detaileg.

Big Brothers Big Sisters is a registered charitable organization that provides positive adult role models to boys and girls, ages 6 to 16, through volunteer mentoring relationships that are based on Fun and Friendship.

The Changing Landscape

• information is everywhere – tv, advertising, Internet

• buzz words, sound bits, browsing not reading• our data is no longer just for us• many audiences are not as familiar with

services (local, regional or provincial)• technology allows flexibility and creativity• Style Guide taskforce recommending change to

phrases/statements from prose

New, Fresh Descriptions

“Light, Bright and Tight” approach

Look at the original description again…

• Volunteer matching and mentoring service * Big Brothers Big Sisters screen volunteers who serve as adult role models for children 6-16 yrs * registered charity

• From 34 words to 24

Phrases / Statements

Building phrases or statements• group of words that are related and focus on an

idea• could be without a subject, a verb or botheg.

Materials include large print books and talking books

WARNING: Don’t just chop off a few words and call it a phrase!

Sentence Fragment

• not to be confused with a sentence fragment…

• it lacks a subject or lacks a verb or is not a complete idea

eg.

• Foot care (what service?)

• Workshops (about what? For who?)

• Known as Forever Young (huh?)

Handout with examples

Features of a Good Phrase

• verb agreement - everything takes place in the same time zone - the present

• use plain language not jargon or difficult to understand terminologyEgBreast, colon and sarcoma cancer centreAssists with job search, placement and trainingPromotes, implements and evaluates research-based programs

Not jargon like ----ABA/IBI therapy ????an acute schedule one facility ???

Features…cont’d

• don’t make the reader guess about the service

eg.Nontraditional, member driven agency * one-on-one and peer group support, education, advocacy and referrals * information seminars

It’s for:Psychiatric survivors or persons who have had interaction with the mental health system

It’s okay to repeat information from other fields (such eligibility).

Features…cont’d

• watch out for long phrases (more than two typed lines) - more difficult to process- many thoughts make it harder to grasp on first reading- might miss some of the content

From busy list ---Acute care hospital with emergency and ambulatory services, x-rays, diagnostic, CT scans and surgical services, fracture and diabetes clinics and spiritual care

To organized listings --Acute care hospital * emergency and ambulatory services * diagnostics services including x-rays and CT scans * day surgery * fracture clinic * diabetes clinic * spiritual care

Statement Elements

• create a good topic phrase or opening statement in 6 words or less (mostly!)eg. Children’s mental health clinic

eg. Bereavement support for families

• tell the reader something new or important even if it sounds obviouseg. Cooperative child care

eg. Emergency shelter for assaulted women

eg. Assessment and psychogeriatric consultation

Elements…cont’d

• capitalize the opening statement only• avoid using all CAPITALS (consider splitting up

large, multi-service listings with need such strong divisions between programs)

• capitalize appropriate words (program name but NOT generic name)

eg.

Breaking Loose (name of program) vs foot care clinic (generic service)

Elements…cont’d

• opening statement, followed by asterisk followed by next statement; repeat

eg.

Walk in after hours medical clinic * provides after hours and weekend services * onsite laboratory and pharmacy

• minimal punctuation – only where it’s needed; NEVER at the end of a statement

Elements…cont’d

• select strong, active, factual verbs (see list)

• strengthen the verb by reduction– eg. “make an estimate” = estimate

• avoiding “to be” verbs which generates excess– eg. "is responsible for monitoring" could be

"monitors"

Elements…cont’d

• structure information so is easy to understand

• put in order of importance / common thoughts together

eg.

(1) pre-employment training centre (3) childminding for clients (2) job search workshops

(Note: the numbers are just to show order of relevance; do not include in Description)

• clear, concise, 3rd party neutral

Elements…cont’d

• write precise words that carry specific information

From:

provides counselling

To: - provides sexual health counselling

- provides marital counselling

- offers mental health counselling(Note: can combine into one phrase)

Think about how this will be indexed!

Elements…cont’d

• be consistent – utilize phrases common within other similar services– users expect similar information in similar

listings– good method for consistent data collection

• build a collection of statements eg. walk in medical clinics

eg. peanut free facility

eg. XX-bed retirement home

Elements…cont’d

• limit HTML coding

- avoid lists/bullets, mixed font sizes

- minimize use of– bold– line breaks– hyperlinks

• Consider impact with other softwares, publications

Elements…cont’d

• Check the spelling– Utilize spell checker (IE or FireFox or others)

• Read aloud to detect awkwardness!

“Your ear may know what your eye has missed”

The Big No-Nos

Replace this…. With this……

please call ahead call ahead

I, We, Ours, My

We welcome walk-in patients to use this service as well as our current patients if they are unable to schedule an appointment to meet their schedule.

third party neutral statements

service for registered and non-registered patients of the practice

Words that should never appear in your Service Description

The Big No-Nos

Mission statementsWe are committed to promoting the growth of midwifery in Ontario by providing learning opportunities for students of the Midwifery Education Program.

Turn into an opening, summary statementMidwifery education and support services

PR statementsReal help, right now!

This award-winning service

delete it! Right now!

licenced; accredited

Statements that should never appear in your Service Description

The Big No-Nos

Flowerly, over-descriptive, unqualifiable statements

-we have bright, cheery rooms-we have friendly staff/highly qualified staff-we take great pride in giving the best possible quality of care

Just the facts……..

-2-bed suites, shared rooms

- licenced staff- delete, delete, delete!!!!!

More words that should never appear in your Service Description

• Time to do samples

Benefits/Rationale

• publications smaller, more concise

• can quickly browse through the details to capture key points

• limited use of punctuation

• don’t need to be an English major (no offense!)

• assist with Taxonomy indexing

Beginning the Shift

• can take up to 2 years to complete• need to re-train agencies, staff, volunteers• will be resistence from others• best approach or combination of approaches?

– Options: decide to do first, then get updated– Options: re-write following updating and obtain

confirmation– Options: by sector

• sector templates – provides checklist of items, phrase terminology

• standard provides rationale for change

End Results

LIGHT• don’t need to write a novel on each

service

• leave the sales pitch behind

• Clear, clean facts

End Results

BRIGHT• avoid the jargon

• avoid the slang

• use action words

• check spelling

• minimize punctuation

End Results

TIGHT

• eliminate unnecessary words

• consistent through similar sets of records

• order of importance

• remove the clutter

Better Final Product

Take control

• you’re the editor

• “right to edit for content and length” statement

• benefit to services when others understand what they do

• More appropriate referrals

Thank you

Q & A