letters to ann edonia

j sigler

r e c r u d e s c e

"Hello."youve been gone a long time, i was beginningto think we wouldnt speak again.foolishly optimistic, maybebut so good to hear your voice.

i ran away.felt trapped. Had to get out.ate well, was loved, got soft – Terrible.how am I supposed to feel alivewithout my own heartbeat in my earsthe thrill of that terrible feardisinterested, disintegrating, Dust.my chest hurts. hands have been cold

“You fit like a glove, lover.We could build lives off of album covers and old movies.Steal a car, collapse a bridge, block out the sun,lay together in the smoking ruins of this place.”

maybe with all the screaming ican finally get some sleep.

I write eulogies for a living.That’s a lie.I write my eulogy instead of living.the only aspiration ive ever had is toleave a generally attractive corpsein an expensive boxat a well-attended funeralwhile the girls say terrible thingsall the whileknowing they will miss me forever in aphysically.debilitating.depression.The only true loveIs the love that’s there when you’re not.

i am either remembering or forgettingnot been in a moment since june andthe rent is getting a little high here.i see my mother, we’re walking in the trees, im a childtells me she’s dying. shes still alive.maybe someone else died

We met that day, you and I.

poe didn’t make it up here andhe had better drugs.i see a girl in the crosswalkwe make eyeslong day looks, lipstick cigarettei think maybe her name is eleanormaybe we’ll fall in love.heres the bar. Again. heres the doctor. Again.i ask them to find something horriblecould use some bad newsthe kind of bad that doesn’t get better.

tests have come back. Diagnosis: Chronic knowing.Symptoms include: Awareness, disillusionment, perspective, truthOther symptoms include: Depersonalization, loss of contemplation, self-destruction, existentialfallout and generalized shedding of convention,personal identifiers, positive reinforcements.prognosis is grim. They can’t operate.I say, “Another city, maybe? Another girl?New clothes, new carI’ll be somebody else for a while. Worked before.”head shakes. Downward glances.Clock, clipboard. Clock, clipboard.it has spread to the heart.ive been told to make peace with God, call loved ones.

glad you picked up.not a lot of time left.“Let’s burn this entire city to the ground.”

s p u n

im in a cabSpun, split, doneand over withspit teeth, grin andbare a soul bornin grit and dirtythought and intentionup my nose andi am spentwe grand animals,so intent onour own doom andtorrid contentconsume, consumeduntil the day youare presumed dead.

up for days won’t butexplain it paysthe pain, but not well enoughto pay thedoctor orthe dealerdifferent names butjust the samethough life is long andi LONG for itin a frenzied rage ofsex, blood, ambivalencewithin this selfish self –destruction,remember mebut skip this page

heart beats throughmy chest itdrinks and uses til Ican’t keep my eyesopen now I’m deadoh wait no Ijust was sleepingbut I don’t sleep somust be deadcheck my pulsemy pupils

guess i win you grimfuck, you and yourseething condescensioncan fuck off,i am still breathingcould use a light,dear desdinovasmoke my soul outwaste awayplease do not lament my late arrivalwe both know im on my way.

she likes it fast andi have fastedto this skin, this bonedisaster, seethe last days ofmickey and his nancy, orwas it sid and mallorydoesn’t matter, roll thecredits cause thisfilm has finished medon’t despair it hadto happen, cantrewrite a destinyforget the script androll the creditswatch me burnin effigy

d y s t o p i

the wine has no tasteit's like trying to drink a photograph.the wonders of this world have been lost on me.idle conversation, an oversold suitcasea crossword on a moving sidewalkwater on my face in an airport bathroom.

i don't look at the pillarsor the pictures or the parlorsjust people.simplefuckingpeople.monuments and objects of beauty, progresslike peas on my platei push them around, disinterested.please excuse melost my appetite.i am unmoved in this arenai don't feel you. them, either.it will be the same drinkit will be the same girl, her name isunimportant. she lives in the cityshe has aand she loves butshe doesn't andshe oncei don't care.your story is not new to me, sunshine

take your shirt offi have a headache.leave marks so dark she'll feel me for weeks.

i keep goingi don't knowno, i do know why.searching, always searchingthat mirror, and the momenta razorblade mirror monday in LAthe sun setting over tall trees in mainea serene break, a revelation, a piece of mindso that I may retrieve the boy,and with him the butterfly.but all i find isliabilities, sick hearts, sad mindsstreams of selfish consciousnessones that run to oceans of desperate insincerityand I drown in it.

i rub my eyes andgraveyards.as far as any eyes could seestretching miles and milesashes and dustblown about between headstonesand good intentions, keepsakesdead flowers, crosses.this is where i am.everywhere has been this place.but it's not here.he's not hereso i am left to sit alone with his ghost.

r e t r o g r a d e

Sugar high, painkillerSoul stealer, smile giverCan't stop can't deliverHeart stops hands shiver

Mirror mirror on the wallSnow white, third stallRails cut, Pall MallsDays lost, missed calls

No sleep, never breaksGive give take takeMind numb, thoughts raceLow rent, high stakes

No tears no remorseCan't figure, can't forceNever better, ever worseTake cover take course

I grew up on gasolinePercocets and nicotineTequila Rose and Jackie DXanax, K, amphetamine

Too much, not enoughOn the glass, roll the cuffDiamond Lucy in the roughSkies open, eyes shut

Nothing is, never will beLost boy, last cityUse culture, claws in meIsn't proud, isn't pretty

Bright lights, pitch blackFast forward flash backParty stops, crowds retractThis wasn't in the contract

Sober isn't worth the timePhoto finish flatlineCall my mother, heres a dimeTell her everything is fine

Is it everything you ever wantedIs it everything it was supposed to be

s e r i a l

i open my eyes.satisfied?No.wipe myself off on her bed sheeta peck on the foreheada hand placed gently on her lower backsoft skin, warm touchrun.i cant stayi know, im sorrylie.next weekend, maybeget some sleepi stand, feeling around in the dark for a shirtsocks, pants, phone, wallet, keysthe glow of an alarm clock over subtle curvestick tock.wild hair, sweat, discarded lingeriehastily opened packages, contents used and discardedher back is to me.Go.

stumble to her bathroomlight switch, mirrorthis is the hardest part.weak.face is flushed, eyes red, lips dampwhat a wicked fucking creaturesmile.you are what you are.she was delicious.clean up, soap on handscool water on hot skinput it all back on, like armor

oh, please.like a costume.

step out, living room is a mess.empty bottles, white lines on a compact mirrortempting.walk past a book caserefrigerator covered in photoscalendar scribbled with names and timesyawn.i know nothing about this girl's life.good.could not care less about her.shoes on, coat on, rub eyesshe is awake.

im going to go , i wish i couldphone.of course IPhone.ive got to goPHONE.yes ill see you next weekhastily leave her. out the doori can breathe.

hi. yesjust leaving the bar, whyright.i dont know, im tiredlonely.for a little while, maybelost.sounds lovelyneed.ill be there soon.

hallway to elevator, a pretty girl is therei smilehello.

s a m ‘ s s o n g

sam doesn't know shes pretty

think I'll keep it to myself.

wears too much makeup

dolled up in red dye, nicotine

like some white trash matinee idol.

sits on my desk like a piano

asks me to sit so

I play a song for her.

I shouldn't, but I do

Run around with her, that is

the worst of intentions every time

I see her, want to

tear her to pieces

tell her secrets

break her heart and leave

but I don't.

improper doesn't describe

the candor to which she is accustom

filthy mouth, she must of

left some of that red lipstick

on purpose.

tabloid queen midst

small town minds, dead ends and

burnt out dreams

sitting out like cars on cinder blocks.

all made up of magazine covers

and movies made before she was born

the wrong kind of right that

gets righter, but by that time

you can't find her.

put each other on a shelf,

tell ourselves:

"I wouldn't do this with her,"

"I wouldn't be like this with him."

like a postcard in an antique store

each a faded memory

of how the other used to be.

I push her out a window,

she says she loves me.

now that's the sort of woman

that deserves to be sung to.

e s t e l l a

Do you know how long it took to write thisThree years to turn out like thisFound out what too late isCan't fight or flight this, wrong or right isNot what it's about, never was and never will beShould have never let you in meIs this everything you wanted? Is it really?Yeah I fell apart, was in piecesI got back, said I'd beat itWasn't perfect, I admitBut the dream I had of you with my child in your arms?It got me through itI loved you like you neededNeeded you back, you concededLeft me reeling and depletedI gave you everything I hadNo wonder I feel so fucking incompleted

We were meant to be togetherYou know it, but the things we had to weatherMade it so hard for us just to be healthy in the tetherOf love that burned so hot, it took everything not to severAnd it consumed us both, I promised you foreverAnd I kept my word, it's absurdThat I would forgive and forget all that did occurBut we got pulled apartChemically complacent, lights dimmed and lines blurredCo-dependence kills, sets fire to broken hearts, burnsDown everything,All the dreams that we conservedDid it feel good to put the last piecesOf your old life out on the lawnWhen you ironed out the creases, put it onDid it fit, or did you stop and pauseTo think, "I've done all of this before,"Once, maybe twiceHow many times can you walk outThen back in through the door of your own lifeAlways starting overTo outrun the guilt, nobody needs to twist your knifeNobody needs to be a shoulderNobody needs to see you fightMaybe the next one won't be me,He won't mortgage his whole lifeHe won't fall for you so easily

Won't want a partner or a wifeAnd in four years, you’ll put him back up on the shelfGo run off again to try to find yourselfBut you won't find youAll you ever find is someone else

I penned this while withdrawingI threw all the pills and powder away this morningWanted to feel this without the gnawing ofMy subconscious telling my heart it should be thawingIt's so cold now; I can barely feel it beatThis new one left her husbandJust to spend some time with meBut she wears her hair like you do nowShe knows she's just a facsimilePut her ankles through her earringsBut the feeling isn't sweet, I repeatThe same coping mechanism, I retreatIt doesn't matter; I just wake up on the same streetJust in another city, another game of hide and seekMy eyes closeAnd all I see is you during that week inVegas, or that hotel off of Revere BeachAnd little things, like kissing an eyelash off your cheekI reach for out for you but pull back sheetsJust the empty bed beside meFilled with the words I couldn't speakWhile I shake and my body aches forAll of our old crutchesI used to use to feel complete

How could you betray thisSo many times I lost count, shamelessDoesn't describe it, so selfishOutlining it with words only contrives itYou hated yourself, you lacked confidence and guidanceSo you decided it was alright to step outside usAnd do what we used to do, how long did it takeTo convince yourself that it was me that made all of your mistakesOr made you make themLike I was keeping you in that placeWhen all I ever tried to do was keep you out, it was such a wasteI lived and would have died for youAll you ever did was whatever coincidedWith keeping the lie aliveYou can't even tell yourself the truth

Of course it's you that I still loveAfter everything, every push and every shoveI'd be back tomorrow, forget all of the aboveBoot that faggot in the pickupBack to whatever hole you pulled him out ofI'd show everyone you listened to who wasn't you and wasn't meI don't bow out so easilyWhat it meant to me was meant to bePut on the things you saw in meShow them what they couldn't see, be completeYou know if he isn't me he can't competeI loved you my entire lifeNo other could ever be so sweet

But this is what you wantedTo live a life that's haunted byThe memory of everything we were, however dauntedThrow away everything, pretend you didn't want itAnd you still don'tUntil its 3AM on a Friday night and you're homeWhen the drugs stop working and you're awake staring at your phoneWhen everything you thought was right is wrong because you're aloneWhen you need somebody who loves you and doesn't just condoneEverything you do to make it through the pain, and you'll cry

You'd do anything just to feel me lying at your sideJust one last time so you could look deep into my eyesForgive ourselves for everything, all the drama all the liesFall asleep beside the only man who knew everything insideAnd loved you just for who you were, regardless of which sideOf you it was today, or what it was really all aboutOr if the screaming in your head got so loud you had to shoutJust to hear yourself think above the sound of burning outBut that phone won't ringI guess you're going to have to learn to live withoutAll the things I was to youWithout the luxury of doubt.

m o n a r c h

several choices make your lifeyoull never know which ones they areextend a hand and shine a lightstay up late and count the starsyou could be your mother's childor your father's pride and joyyou could chase her for a whileor watch her take another boy

there'l always be another placesee them all if that's your gamepractice nuance, subtle graceleave the country, change your namebut no matter where you goall the streets will look the samerun there fast or take it slowpick up love or procure shame

someday you will stop and seesomeday you won't always be a partof the things you brought to beall things end the way they startall roads end beside the seaand if you leave behind your heartat least you'll keep the memory

all those vices take their tollyou won't know that while imposedall that glitters turns to snowbut you won't know until you're coldto yourself you must stay truefrom your path you shouldn't straygo out and find what looks for you

thereisnothing

left

to say.