LESSON 3

The Perils of MATE SELECTION in the Teen Years

COMPULSION TO REPEATVS.

DIFFICULTY IN CHANGING SELECTION CRITERIA

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Presented by

THE NATURAL SYSTEMS INSTITUTE

SOURCES OF DIFFICULTY IN CHANGING MATE SELECTION CRITERIA

I. Prior learned patterns for relating romantically are deeply entrenched.A. Prior Criteria Have Become Unconsciously And Deeply Rooted In Perception, Behavior, Preferences, And Feelings

Derived From Early Life History.B. Children learn, from family and peers, a ready made repertoire of courting, engaging, seducing, and relating behaviors

that make it easy to relate to a specific set of responses exhibited by the other.

II. People usually have no alternative repertoire for romantic relationships.A As a result, people do not know how to interact outside of their familiar pattern.B. Interacting in unfamiliar ways makes the interaction become frustrating and embarrassing.C. Interacting in unfamiliar ways over an extended period of time becomes taxing and unattractive.D. Interacting in such a manner does not evoke familiar, comfortable feelings.E. Efforts to get the mate to change and fit into a familiar scenario fail and result in displeasure with and criticism of the

mate.

III. In American culture, Mate Selection is unstructured.A. There is no structure or feedback mechanism other than one’s own feelings to guide the selection process.B. There is an enormous variety of types of potential mates to choose from.C. A honing in device is developed unconsciously to reduce the bewildering diversity.D. The honing device locks automatically and unconsciously into a narrow range.E. Negative initial feelings preclude and deselect those who do not induce exhilaration from the honing device.F. The opportunity to experiment with novel types of potential mates is excluded.

IV. The Only Way An Attachment, Developed Under The Prior Mate Selection Repertoire, Is Broken Is If A Very Painful Ordeal Makes The Relationship Impossible To Sustain.

V. Breakups Result Is a Frantic Search for a New Mate Using the Familiar, Prior Mate Selection Repertoire.

PARADOXICAL MATE SELECTION IN THE FEMALE

• In her rational mind, the female has incorporated family and cultural ideal criteria for a mate. These are readily expressed when asked and invoked after a disastrous relationship.

• Her hidden but impelling criteria are derived from forbidden feelings for a father figure and from early clandestine experiences.

• It is the hidden and un admitted preferences that determine longing, or fear, and involvement.

• Being at odds with the culturally acceptable criteria, actual choices are often unwise and foreshadow eventual maladjustment and heartache and breakup.

• When the female chooses the mate preferred by the family, regardless of how many fine qualities, if it lasts, the relationship is perfunctory and devoid of intimacy and satisfaction and results in a perpetual sense of dying inside or finding a life style that minimizes involvement with the spouse.

I’m sick of macho menwho consider me their property. I’m sick of men who get angry

over their paranoid jealousies andfears and then beat the life out

of the little woman (me)and drive me into total

submission.

Hey, how about me? I’m a considerate, feeling oriented,

androgynous male. I’m non possessiveand I see women as equals. I resolve

all of my conflicts with opennessand communication. Isn’t that

what you said you want?

THE FEMALE PARADOXICAL MATE SELECTION CRITERIACOMPULSION TO REPEAT LEADS TO DISILLUSIONMENT AND

MISLEADING HOPEFUL PROSPECTIVE MATES

You’ve got to be kidding! You’re boring, uninteresting, and

not a real man. You couldn’tprotect me or control me. Look I don’t want to hurt

your feelings, but I could never be attracted to you!

But, I don’t understand.You said you were sick of macho men. And, we get

along so well. Am I supposed to be dominant and rough and control you in order for you

to love me?This doesn’t make sense.

CONFRONTING THE PARADOX OF HIDDEN MATE SELECTION CRITERIA

PARADOXICAL MATE SELECTION IN THE MALE

• For the male, mate selection is also complex. He has two culturally incorporated ideals. One is that she be as proper as possible, with practical skills for living and socializing, with a decent reputation, approximating the cultural ideal in looks and attractiveness. The other is the ideal readily discussed among the boys. The latter relates primarily to features of sexuality.

• His hidden but impelling preferences are, like the female, derived from forbidden feelings for a mother figure and from early clandestine experiences.

• For the male, also, it is the hidden, un admitted preferences that determine whom he longs for, or fears, and with whom he becomes involved. However, of his dual culturally derived ideals, the sexy one is often congruent with his hidden preferences, making it much more likely that he will choose a woman without regard for mature personal qualities.

• Similar to the female, his choices, being at odds with wisdom, also foreshadow eventual maladjustment, heartache, and breakup.

I’m sick of dependent, helpless women who want you to be their

hero, and protector, and sugar daddy and then turn on me because I’m too forceful, work all the time, and adore you so much the I can’t stand it if she

looks at another man. I can’t win with her! I’m damned if I do and

damned if I don’t!

Well, I’m not that way. I carry my own weight and don’t have to depend on anyone for money or

protection or to keep me in line. I am open and honest and don’t

play games. I am an androgynous woman. So why don’t you want me, if I’m just what you say you

want?

THE MALE PARADOXICAL MATE SELECTION CRITERIACOMPULSION TO REPEAT UNHEALTHY CHOICES LEADS TO

DISILLUSIONMENT AND CONFUSES HOPEFUL PROSPECTIVE MATES

Oh, come on. I could never be attracted to you that way. You don’t excite me. You’re OK as a friend, but you don’t need me, what do I have to

offer you. You can get along fine without me. And to you, I’m just an ordinary person,

we’re more like buddies. So, forget anything more.

But I don’t understand, you said you wanted a strong woman who could hold her own in the world and not hang all over you, hide behind you, have to have you give me ‘things’ all the time. Really, you’re too much! I

almost think you would only like me or love me if I were to become a clinging vine.

CONFRONTING THE PARADOX OF HIDDEN MATE SELECTION CRITERIA

UNCONSCIOUS VS. CONSCIOUS PREFERENCES AND CHOICESWhen unconscious preferences vie with conscious preferences the unconscious usually

wins and, as the scenario plays out, the unconsciously preferred eventually begins to become annoying and the basis for breaking up.

If the conscious preference wins, there is an almost immediate doubt, eyeing other possible mates, attempt to change the mate, and eventually driving the mate to leave.

• Says she prefers__________– unconsciously prefers________

• Says she prefers__________– unconsciously prefers________

• Says she prefers__________– unconsciously prefers________

• Says she prefers__________– unconsciously prefers________

• Says she prefers__________– unconsciously prefers________

• Says he prefers_____________– unconsciously prefers__________

• Says he prefers____________– unconsciously prefers__________

• Says he prefers_____________– unconsciously prefers__________

• Says he prefers____________– unconsciously prefers__________

• Says he prefers____________– unconsciously prefers__________