Lesson 24 Revising to Breathe - pearsoncmg.comptgmedia.pearsoncmg.com/imprint_downloads/merrill... · Peter and the Starcatchers by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson. 2004. New York:

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Revising to BreatheTrait Connection: Sentence Fluency

IntroductionHave you ever known someone who could speak almost without taking a breath? It might sound something like this: “So then we met our friends, but they weren’t all there, but most of them were, and we took off for Paul’s house and then we met Darrin there, but he couldn’t stay, because his mom was waiting for him, so then . . .” Whew, you’re saying to yourself. Breathe! One idea at a time! Just think. If you wrote this way, you’d only need a handful of periods in your whole life! Don’t do it, though. Periods are not an endangered species; we don’t need to ration them. Besides, while an occasional long sentence can add music to your writing, endless “sentences strings” linked with little connecting words such as and, and then, but then, and so, so then, or because can leave you and your reader breathless. Disconnect. Breathe. Ah, that feels better.

Lesson 24

Teacher’s Sidebar . . .Getting rid of many and’s, and then’s, but’s, and so then’s and because’s is a good start—but it isn’t usually enough to make writing fluent. It is also important to begin sentences in different ways, to add words and phrases that create variety and show how one sentence leads into another. For many students, however, doing these things in separate steps takes the mystery out of detangling.

Focus and IntentThis lesson is intended to help students:

Recognize the importance of pausing when reading aloud.

Identify “sentence strings” that need detangling.

Revise by detangling sentences and inserting words to smooth the flow.

Teaching the LessonStep 1: Introducing the Detangling ConceptLittle words like and, so, but, because, and then are extremely handy. (If you don’t think so, just try going one whole day without using any of them.) The trouble is,

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Creating Revisers and Editors, Grade 5

sometimes writers get lazy. They overuse these little words, hooking everything together in one monster sentence. Detangling long sentence strings can make text much easier to read. Let’s try it. Follow these six steps:

1. Read the sentence aloud, getting a feel for whether it’s too long.

2. Delete unneeded connecting words (and, so, so then, and then, but, because)

3. Split the long sentence string into two or three sentences—or more.

4. Add new words if you think they’re needed.

5. Try to make each new sentence begin in a different way.

6. Read the result aloud and feel good about your revision skills.

Here are three sentence strings to detangle. The first one is done for you as an example. Added words are underlined in the example.

1. Bill raised chickens and he really enjoyed it, so then one day he also got a duck.

Disconnected:

Bill raised chickens and he really enjoyed it! One day, out of the blue, he also got a duck, of all things.

2. Sally disliked heights so one day she was swimming and all her friends got her to go up to the highest diving board and then she was really scared but she did it anyway and so then she jumped off!

Disconnected:

3. Ms. Brown was really nervous her first day of teaching because she wanted the kids to like her and so they did so then she wasn’t as nervous after that and then she really enjoyed teaching!

Disconnected:

Step 2: Making the Reading-Writing ConnectionIn the adventure story Peter and the Starcatchers, Peter and his boyhood friends, all orphans from St. Norbert’s, have been sold into servitude aboard a ship called TheNeverland. In this scene, they have just been shown into their quarters belowdecks(as sailors like to say), a “tiny, gloomy, windowless space.” A rather grimy fellow known as Hungry Bob sets a large pot before them, laughing when they request spoons or bowls, and urging them to eat their “dinner” before the rats get it:

The boys peered doubtfully into the pot, which contained a darkish liquid. It looked far from appetizing, but they were hungry. Tubby Ted, always the first to take action where food was concerned, cupped his hands and scooped out a handful of the liquid with some small grayish lumps floating in it. He sniffed it, wrinkled his nose, then shrugged and took a lump into his mouth. Immediately he spat it onto the floor.

“IT’S ALIVE!” he screamed.

Lesson 25: Revising to Breathe

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Read the passage again, aloud, pausing each time you hit a period. How many pauses are there? How many sentences? Now, notice the first two or three words of each sentence. How many different ways did the authors find to begin sentences just in this short passage?

Look for the words and phrases and, then, and then, so, but, so then, and because. How many do you find? Is each one needed? Are there any you would cut to make shorter sentences? Now ask yourself this: If the authors had strung allthese sentences together into one long sentence, would the result be very readable? Just for fun, try it—then read the result aloud. How does it sound?

(Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson. Peter and the Starcatchers. 2004. New York: Hyperion/Disney Editions, pp. 37–38.)

Step 3: Involving Students as EvaluatorsAsk students to review Samples A and B, specifically noticing the fluency in each piece, while looking and listening for small connecting words and phrases (and,and then, so, so then, because) that might not be needed. Have students work with a partner, underlining or highlighting unneeded words. Ask them to read each piece aloud, softly, noting which one allows them a chance to breathe—and which could use more revision.

Discussing ResultsMost students should find Sample A stronger. Sample A flows smoothly without overusing connecting words and phrases; Sample B is one long “sentence” that could use significant detangling. One suggested revision of Sample B is pro-vided; you may wish to ask students to offer revision suggestions before showing them ours.

Step 4: Modeling RevisionShare Sample C (Whole Class Revision) with students. Read it aloud.Talk about whether Sample C is fluent, or whether the writer overuses connecting words. (Most students should say connecting words are over-used.) Invite students to coach you through a class revision, first identify-ing connecting words.Reading aloud as you go, delete unneeded connecting words and phrases, and rewrite sentences, adding new words or phrases as needed for flu-ency—or just for interest.Try—to the extent possible—to make most sentences begin in a different way. Read the first two or three words of each sentence aloud to check yourself.When you finish, read the full revision aloud. Did your changes make a difference in fluency? Compare your revision with ours, if you wish—remembering that your revision may not match ours, and that we may have wound up with a different total number of sentences.


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Step 5: Revising with PartnersPass out copies of Sample D (Revising with Partners). Ask students to follow the basic steps you modeled with Sample C. Working with partners, they should:

Read the passage aloud.

Talk about whether the passage is fluent or overuses connecting words.

Identify connecting words that could be eliminated.

Revise by eliminating unneeded words, and detangling (creating new sentences).

Remind students to begin as many sentences as possible differently, add-ing any words they need to do this.

Read the revision aloud to hear the difference.

Step 6: Sharing and Discussing ResultsWhen students have finished, ask several pairs of students to share their revisions aloud. How many sentences did each team end up with? Did teams come up with different ways to create new sentences? (Feel free to share our suggested revision, keeping in mind that students’ revisions need not match ours in any way.)

Next StepsPractice sentence detangling and sentence combining together, as complemen-tary skills. The idea is to hit a balance—not too short and choppy, but not end-lessly long, either. Remember the importance of reading aloud to test the result.

To practice detangling, select any passage from literature that you feel is well written and fluent. Look for one in which sentences begin in different ways. Rewrite the passage, double spaced with large margins, connecting all the ideas with and, and then, so, so then, and because. Ask students to revise by detan-gling your entangled result—and compare their revisions with the original.

Encourage students to look for small connecting words in their own work, and to detangle when connecting words are overused. There are no hard and fast rules for sentence length, and skilled writers can go on for quite some time without confusing readers. (Check Gary Paulsen’s longer sentences.) For less experienced writers, however, any sentence more than 25 words long mayneed detangling.

When students share short pieces in response groups, ask listeners to guess the number of sentences the reader/writer is sharing in a given passage. This helps listeners tune in to the pauses and become more conscious of the rea-sons behind periods and other punctuation. It encourages readers/writers to pay attention to pauses, too.


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Ask students to listen for balanced sentences (not choppy, not endless) in the literature you share aloud. Notice the variety in sentence beginnings, and occasionally, take time to count the instances of and, and then, so, so then, but, because and so forth within a 100-word passage of your choice. Recommended:

Peter and the Starcatchers by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson. 2004. New York: Hyperion/Disney Editions.

Guts: Our Digestive System by Seymour Simon. 2005. New York: HarperCollins.

Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George. 1972. New York: Harper Trophy.

The Tarantula Scientist by Sy Montgomery. 2004. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.

For an additional challenge: Ask students to create an original piece in which no two sentences begin the same way. Also ask them to keep the number of connecting words and phrases to no more than three per 100 words. (Exception: dialogue! More connecting words must be allowed in dialogue to reflect real human speech.)


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Sample A

Anyone who’s has spent a night outdoors involuntarily

knows how extraordinarily helpful it can be to have

matches. Unfortunately, though, when people are

stuck outdoors overnight, it’s often the result of bad

weather: rain or snow. And as you may know (perhaps

from experience), once matches get wet, they’re

useless. A simple precaution, however, can help in the

event your supplies get “watered down.” Before

leaving home, dip your matches in wax to make them

waterproof. Later, should you need to use them, just

scrape the wax off. Presto! You’re back in business. Of

course, you must remember to carry them with you

when you leave the house!



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©2009. Allyn & Bacon, a division of Pearson Education. Developed by Vicki Spandel. All rights reserved.

Sample B

If you lean to the side a little in your chair, you’ll

have an idea of how the Earth tilts on its axis,

because it keeps tilting that way as it moves around

the sun, and so during the time when the top part

of the Earth is tilting toward the sun, the days are

longer and then it is summer for the Northern

Hemisphere, but when the Earth is tilting away

from the sun, the days are shorter because then it is

winter in the Northern Hemisphere, and the funny

part is that we are actually closer to the sun during

the winter. Imagine that!

(2 sentences)



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Suggested Revision of Sample B

If you lean to the side a little in your chair, you’ll

have an idea of how the Earth tilts on its axis,

because t keeps tilting that way as it moves around

the sun, and so uring the time when the top part

of the Earth is tilting toward the sun, the days are

longer and then it is summer for the Northern

Hemisphere, but hen the Earth is tilting away

from the sun, the days are shorter because then it is

winter in the Northern Hemisphere, and he funny

part is that we are actually closer to the sun during

the winter. Imagine that!

(6 sentences, first words underlined)


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Sample C: Whole Class Revision

The word “dinosaur,” as you might know, means

“terrible lizard,” and it is easy to see where this name

derived from because some were over 70 feet tall

and weighed as much as 10 or 15 elephants, which is

pretty impressive given that an elephant can weigh

more than five tons, and so even though some

relatives of the dinosaur, such as the crocodile, are

still around today, early crocodiles were almost 50

feet long, but today’s crocodiles have evolved into

much smaller creatures, and that is probably a good

thing because the original “terrible lizards” would

undoubtedly have a rough time adapting to life in a

twenty-first century world.



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Sample D: Revising with Partners

Not everyone realizes this, but the words insect and

segmented are related and that is so because an

insect is a creature whose body is divided into three

segments, the head, the thorax, and the abdomen, but

an insect also has six legs. So you might think the

spider is an insect, because its body too is

segmented, but it is not classified as an insect

because it has eight legs and therefore is considered

an arachnid, and even though there are hundreds of

thousands of different insects, scientists are finding

more each year because those parts of the world that

harbor the greatest number of species, the rain

forests, are partially unexplored.


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Suggested Revisions of C and DSample C: Whole Class Revision

The word “dinosaur,” as you might know, means

“terrible lizard,” and it is easy to see where this name

derived from because ome were over 70 feet tall

and weighed as much as 10 or 15 elephants, which

is pretty impressive given that an elephant can weigh

more than five tons, and so even though some

relatives of the dinosaur, such as the crocodile, are

still around today, arly crocodiles were almost

50 feet long, but today’s crocodiles have evolved into

much smaller creatures, and that is probably a good

thing because the original “terrible lizards” would

undoubtedly have a rough time adapting to life in a

twenty-first century world.



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Sample D: Revising with Partners

Not everyone realizes this, but the words insect and

segmented are related and that is so because

n insect is a creature whose body is divided into

three segments, the head, the thorax, and the

abdomen, but n insect also has six legs so

you might think the spider is an insect,

ecause its body too is segmented, but it is not

classified as an insect because it has eight legs and

therefore is considered an arachnid, and even

though there are hundreds of thousands of different

insects, scientists are finding more each year

because those parts of the world that harbor the

greatest number of species, the rain forests, are

partially unexplored.



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Lesson 24 Revising to Breathe - pearsoncmg.comptgmedia.pearsoncmg.com/imprint_downloads/merrill... · Peter and the Starcatchers by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson. 2004. New York: