Layers of Myself: Going Beyond the Surface

8/18/2019 Layers of Myself: Going Beyond the Surface

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/layers-of-myself-going-beyond-the-surface 1/31

Caroline Fourrier

HONR 3791

Layers of Myself: Going Beyond the urfa!e

"e try to understand things #ust $y loo%ing and for&ing !on!lusions' But oftenti&es(

)hen )e loo% !loser( )e noti!e the things )e &issed' "e !annot al)ays understand the o$#e!ts

around us fro& #ust a**earan!e( so )hy do )e try to understand *eo*le $y #ust loo%ing at their

out)ard *resentation+ "hen )e get to %no) so&eone( )e start to reali,e that the reasons that

they a!t a !ertain )ay &ay not $e )hat )e thought originally' "e !an see so&eone s&iling and

auto&ati!ally assu&e that they are ha**y and !ontent )ith their li-es( $ut later find out that they

)ere s&iling to try to fight $a!% tears or to hide sha&e' "e assu&e that the surfa!e of an o$#e!t

is all that there is( for e.a&*le( the /arth' "e ta%e in our surroundings )ithout gi-ing the& any

other thought' 0he /arth is not #ust the surfa!e that )e see there are four &ain layers that &a%e

u* the *lanet( and ea!h layer is i&*ortant to the fun!tionality of the *lanet' 0herefore( 2 as% a fe)

uestions of &yself: "hat are &y layers+ "hat fa!tors( e.*erien!es( and *ro!esses !ontri$ute to

the de!isions 2 &a%e and the a!tions 2 ta%e+ "hile e.*loring the four &ain layers of the /arth( 2

)ill try to understand the four &ain layers of &yself'

0he /arth is a !o&*le. stru!ture and has &any different ele&ents that &a%e u* the *lanet

as a )hole' 0he &ost $asi! understanding of /arth4s !o&*osition in!ludes the !rust( the &antle(

the outer !ore and the inner !ore 5Marsha%( 6118' "e often )or% fro& the outside in' "e try to

e.*lain *heno&ena fro& &ere o$ser-ation' "e try to e.*lain things $y identifying a reason after

the fa!t' But )hat )ould ha**en if )e )or%ed fro& the inside out+ sing this *ers*e!ti-e( i )ill

start )ith the inner !ore of $oth the /arth and &yself to see )hat dri-es &y a!tions' "hile trying

to understand the layers of &yself( 2 )ill $e using artifa!ts to tie in those e.*erien!es' My artifa!t



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for the inner !ore is a *hoto( and &y artifa!t for the outer !ore is a letter' For the &antle( the

artifa!t 2 )ill $e using is &y $log' Lastly( &y artifa!ts for the !rust are a *a*er fro& one of &y

!ourses( a $a!%*a!% and a $inder'

The Inner Core

0he /arth4s inner !ore is the inner&ost layer of the *lanet' 2t is an e.tre&ely hot( solid

$all 5Marsha%( 6118' Be!ause of the in!rease in *ressure at the !enter of the *lanet( the &elting

te&*erature rises( so the inner !ore stays solid 5Marsha%( 6118' 0he inner !ore is sus*ended in

the liuid outer !ore and( therefore( it !an rotate se*arately fro& the /arth itself'

0he inner !ore of the /arth relates to one of the &ost influential &o&ents fro& the *ast

four years)hen 2 learned ho) 2 relate to *eo*le and ho) that has $een affe!ted $y &y

relationshi*s )ith &y *arents' 2 gre) u* )ith a &other )ho left &y daytoday life )hen 2 )as

se-en years old' 2 lost a lot of trust and res*e!t for *arental figures' 2 did not ha-e a su**orti-e

&other' My dad )as in the *i!ture( $ut he had a fullti&e #o$ and )or%ed long hours' 0he la) in

North Carolina follo)ing di-or!e states that ali&ony &ust $e *aid for half the ti&e that the

!ou*le )as &arried( so &y dad )as res*onsi$le for his household and for &y &other4s

household at the sa&e ti&e for ten years' "hile &y dad )as )or%ing( he hired nannies to ta%e

!are of &y sister and &e )hen )e got done )ith s!hool until he )as done )ith )or%' He )as

around( $ut not enough' 0he after&ath of the di-or!e left &e !onfused a$out )hat *arent!hild

relationshi*s loo%ed li%e'

;!!ording to atta!h&ent theory( *eo*le de-elo* internal )or%ing &odels( )hi!h are

<&ental re*resentations that !onsist of e.*e!tations a$out the self( signifi!ant others( and the

relationshi* $et)een the t)o= 5>ietro&ona!o ? Barrett( 6( *' 1@A8' "e ha-e )or%ing &odels

for ho) a!!e*ta$le )e *er!ei-e oursel-es to $e( and )e also ha-e )or%ing &odels for others that



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hel* us de!ide )ho )or%s as an atta!h&ent figure 5>ietro&ona!o ? Barrett( 68' 0he

intera!tion of these )or%ing &odels influen!es the )ay )e relate to others and the )ay )e thin%

of oursel-es( and those thoughts are influen!ed $y our atta!h&ent figures( )hi!h are &ost often

our *arents 5>ietro&ona!o ? Barrett( 68' Moreo-er( )or%ing &odels are not the only as*e!t

of atta!h&ent theory that influen!es a *erson4s atta!h&ent style( stressful life e-ents ha-e $een

lin%ed to the shift in atta!h&ent style fro& se!ure to inse!ure 5"aters et al( 68' ;lthough 2

!annot say for sure )hat &y atta!h&ent style )as $efore &y *arents4 di-or!e( 2 !an say that the

di-or!e )as stressful and it left &e )ith &any uestions and dou$ts' One as*e!t of atta!h&ent

theory that is often o-erloo%ed is the i&*ortan!e of the &aintenan!e of the relationshi* 5"aters

? Cu&&ings( 68' 2f 2 had a se!ure atta!h&ent $efore the di-or!e( 2 )ould ha-e needed &y

*arents to treat &e the sa&e )ay they did $efore the &arriage fell a*art for &y atta!h&ent to stay

the sa&e' 2 !annot say if there )as a shift of e&otions )hen they di-or!ed( $ut after &y &other

left( 2 felt unlo-a$le and un)orthy $e!ause &y &other )as no longer around and a-aila$le for

&e )hen 2 needed her' Bro)n 56168 argues that our !ulture instills the idea of not $eing enough'

My &other4s a!tions led &e to $elie-e that 2 )as not good enough for anyone and that 2 )as truly

)orth nothing $e!ause &y o)n &other )as )illing to )al% out of &y life' 2 %ne) lo-e and

su**ort fro& &y father( $ut 2 also %ne) feelings of a$andon&ent fro& &y &other( so 2 )as left

!onfused a$out )hat role *arents )ere su**osed to *lay in &y life' 2 had !onfli!ting internal

)or%ing &odels for a &other4s $eha-ior and for a father4s $eha-ior( $ut ulti&ately( they should

$oth $e full of lo-e for their !hild'

; *erson4s atta!h&ent syste& is in *la!e to %ee* the indi-idual safe $y <&aintaining

*ro.i&ity to !aring and su**orti-e others 5%no)n as atta!h&ent figures8=5ha-er ? Mi%ulin!er(

616( *'1A@8' 0here are three as*e!ts to an atta!h&ent relationshi*: 18 the atta!h&ent figure is



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sought )hen the indi-idual is in need or under stress( 68 the atta!h&ent figure is -ie)ed as a safe

ha-en( &eaning that the *erson !an *ro-ide su**ort and *rote!tion )hen needed( and 38 the

atta!h&ent figure a!ts as a se!ure $ase( )hi!h has &any fun!tions( one $eing that the *erson is

allo)ed to e.*lore *ainful &e&ories 5ha-er ? Mi%ulin!er( 6168' 0he a!ti-ation of an

atta!h&ent syste& ha**ens )hen a *erson is <su$#e!ted to !ons!ious or un!ons!ious threats=

5ha-er ? Mi%ulin!er( 616( *'1AA8' ;nd a *erson4s atta!h&ent style is the *attern of $eha-ior in

relationshi*s )hi!h is influen!ed $y the a-aila$ility of an atta!h&ent figure in life 5ha-er ?

Mi%ulin!er( 6168'

O-er the *ast four years( 2 ha-e $een a$le to find these ualities )ithin a relationshi* )ith

&y *astor( Nathan' Nathan is !urrently *ursuing his Master4s degree in Christian Counseling at

GordonCon)ell 0heologi!al e&inary' 0he artifa!t that 2 !hose to de*i!t this relationshi* )as a

*hoto fro& our annual Christ&as *arty hosted $y 2&*a!t( )hi!h is the !hur!h on !a&*us )e

attend' 0his *hoto de*i!ts a fun e-ent and a goofy &o&ent shared $et)een us( $ut it goes

!onsidera$ly further than that' es( the *hoto is fun( $ut it is the *erson in the *hoto )ho has had

one of the $iggest influen!es on &y life )hile in !ollege'

My relationshi* )ith Nathan has $een !ru!ial to &y *ersonal de-elo*&ent' 2 did not

really get to %no) hi& until the s*ring se&ester of &y fresh&an year' in!e then( &y life has

$een fore-er !hanged' 2 had rea!hed a *oint in &y life )here 2 needed to !onfront the *ain of &y

!hildhood $e!ause it )as starting to affe!t the )ay 2 intera!ted )ith *eo*le' My atta!h&ent

syste& )as a!ti-ated( and 2 sought out so&eone !lose to &e )ho !ould *rote!t &e as 2 started to

e.*lore the *ain and hearta!he 2 had $een !arrying around for &ost of &y life' 2 )as a$le to sit

do)n )ith hi& as &u!h as 2 needed( allo)ing &e to un*a!% the things that ha**ened in &y life'

2n &eetings )ith Nathan( 2 ha-e felt safe' 2 %ne) that anything 2 tal%ed a$out )as %e*t



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!onfidential and he )ould ne-er use any of it against &e' Nathan has a!ted as a se!ure $ase in

&y life( allo)ing &e to e.*lore the *ainful &e&ories 5"aters ? Cu&&ings( 68' My

atta!h&ent to Nathan has $e!o&e a se!ure atta!h&ent $e!ause of the )ay 2 ha-e used the

relationshi* to e.*lore &y *ast( and 2 a& !onfident that he )ill $e there )hen 2 ha-e a uestion

or !on!ern 5"aters ? Cu&&ings( 68' 2n ti&e( 2 $egan to trust hi& )ith e-erything in &y life'

2f there is one *erson )ho %no)s the &ost a$out &e( it )ould $e hi&'

0he i&*a!t of atta!h&ent relationshi*s is often !onsidered &ost during the first fi-e years

of life' "hile this is !ertainly a sensiti-e *eriod )ith res*e!t to atta!h&ent for&ation( resear!h

has de&onstrated that those early relationshi*s ser-e to i&*a!t an indi-iduals sense of self and

relationshi* to others throughout the lifes*an 5"aters ? Cu&&ings( 68' 0he use of a se!ure

$ase is also not li&ited to any s*e!ifi! ti&e fra&e and the need for a se!ure $ase is a !riti!al

!o&*onent to healthy so!ial and e&otional fun!tioning at all stages of life 5"aters ? Cu&&ings(

68' One great as*e!t of adult atta!h&ent theory is that 2 did not &iss &y !han!e of earning

se!urity in adulthood $e!ause it is so&ething that !an $e de-elo*ed at any *oint in de-elo*&ent

5ha-er ? Mi%ulin!er( 6168'

0hrough &y relationshi* )ith Nathan( 2 ha-e learned the i&*ortan!e of ha-ing a se!ure

$ase' 2t is !o&forting to ha-e so&eone 2 !an go to for any issue( no &atter ho) tri-ial' My

!onne!tion to a <!o&*etent and !aring adult= has allo)ed &e to )or% on o-er!o&ing the

ad-ersities that 2 ha-e fa!ed 5Masten( 61( *'63D8' 2t does not &atter that Nathan is outside of

&y fa&ily' rie Bronfen$renner( a *ro&inent de-elo*&ental *sy!hologist( on!e said( <e-ery

!hild needs one adult )ho is irrationally !ra,y a$out hi& or her= 5Brendtro( 6A8' For &e( 2

%no) that Nathan is that *erson' 2 %no) that 2 !an turn to hi& )hen 2 need so&eone to listen and

)hen 2 need ad-i!e' Nathan listens )ithout *assing any #udg&ents for anything( es*e!ially the



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insane a&ount of tears 2 ha-e shed o-er the years' He has allo)ed &e to $e !o&*letely honest(

and to say terri$le( a)ful things in the heat of &y *ain( anger or frustration' One i&*ortant

!o&*onent of this relationshi* is that )e had regular &eetings( $ut it )as al)ays u* to &e to

de!ide )hat )e tal%ed a$out' But Nathan is good at as%ing uestions( so he )as a$le to hel*

dire!t the !on-ersation to ta%e it one ste* further than )hat 2 )as *resenting to hi&' He as%ed

uestions that ha-e &ade &e thin% a$out &y feelings in a ne) )ay' He )as a$le to &a%e &e dig

dee* and has hel*ed &e to find the hurt that 2 )as una)are 2 )as !arrying'

i&ilar to the /arth4s inner !ore( no$ody has e-er seen their o)n inner !ore( so )hat )e

%no) a$out the !o&*osition of it is $ased on $eliefs and inter*retations 5Marsha%( 6118'

!ientists ha-e to resear!h *arts of the /arth to !o&e u* )ith an idea of )hat the inner&ost layer

loo%s li%e( and Nathan has as%ed uestions and inter*reted &y res*onses to hel* figure out )hat

has $een at the inner&ost layer of &yself through our &eetings' 0he &eetings )ere !onsistent(

)hi!h is i&*ortant( $ut &ore i&*ortantly( Nathan ser-ed as a !onsistent se!ure $ase( so 2 %ne)

that he )as there and %ne) that 2 had a sour!e to e.*lore &y *ain' 0hroughout &y ti&e in

!ollege( 2 ha-e had friends )ho ha-e !o&e and gone( $ut the one *erson )ho 2 ha-e had

!onsistently in-ested in &y life is Nathan' "hen &eeting )ith hi&( there )ere ti&es )hen 2

%ne) right a)ay )hat 2 needed to tal% a$out( $ut then there )ere ti&es )hen 2 thought 2 )anted

to tal% a$out one to*i!( $ut after his uestioning( reali,ed that 2 needed to tal% a$out another

to*i!' For the &ost *art( 2 )as in !ontrol of )here the !on-ersation )ent and )as a$le to $ring u*

&y needs as they !a&e a$out'

2n the *ast !ou*le of years( &y &other has rea!hed out to &e &ore than 2 )as used to

and( uite fran%ly( &ore than 2 )anted' 2 ne-er %no) )hat to e.*e!t fro& her( so so&eti&es her

&essages to &e left &e fro,en( &a%ing &e sto* in &y tra!%s and uestion a lot of the things 2



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had %no)n to $e true' 2n those ti&es( 2 sought Nathan for ad-i!e' 2t )as not until after &eeting

)ith hi& and ha-ing the honest( diffi!ult !on-ersations )hile $eing !o&forted and su**orted(

that 2 felt at ease' 2 felt as if 2 !ould go $a!% to the other as*e!ts of &y life and fun!tion nor&ally'

2n atta!h&ent theory( the atta!h&ent syste& is a!ti-ated )hen an indi-idual needs to $e !lose or

!o&forted $y the atta!h&ent figure( $ut this need does not go a)ay until !o&forted( allo)ing the

indi-idual to !al&ly return to *re-ious a!ti-ities 5ha-er ? Mi%ulin!er( 6168'

2 e.*lored the *ain of &y relationshi* )ith &y &other and dealt )ith &any of the

e&otions that a!!o&*anied and after healing so&e )ounds( 2 ha-e rea!hed a sense of *ea!e'

/-en though 2 ha-e this feeling of !ontent&ent( 2 still e.*erien!e things that trigger a strong

e&otional res*onse $e!ause of the !onne!tion to &y &other and her a!tions' o 2 turn to Nathan

)hen 2 feel &yself )anting to rea!t irrationally' 2f you *ersonally %no) &e( you %no) that anger

is not &y thing' 2 a& not one to get &ad and yell at so&eone' 2 )ill( ho)e-er( go to so&eone

)hen 2 ha-e an issue( $ut it &ay not $e right a)ay' 2 ha-e to ta%e ti&e and *ro!ess the !onfli!t to

deter&ine if it is so&ething that needs to $e addressed or if 2 a& #ust o-errea!ting' 2 !an al)ays

tell )hen 2 a& $eing irrational $e!ause &y first instin!t is to shut do)n and run a)ay' ;!!ording

to Bandura4s 519918 dis!ussion of selfregulation( )hen *eo*le analy,e their thoughts( and

a!tions( they !an $egin to noti!e *atterns in their $eha-ior and !an )or% on &o-ing for)ard to

try to !orre!t the $eha-ior' Oftenti&es( 2 turn to Nathan )hen 2 feel &yself shutting do)n( and

on!e it is deter&ined that &y rea!tion is irrational( he hel*s &e to figure out )hy 2 felt that )ay(

as )ell as )hat the *ro*er res*onse )ould a!tually $e rather than running a)ay' ;!!ording to

atta!h&ent theory( )e learn su!!essful selfregulation fro& our atta!h&ent figures 5ha-er ?

Mi%ulin!er( 6168' ;tta!h&ent figures hel* *eo*le to inter*ret the situation and they then find a

)ay to !o&fort the indi-idual and guide the a**ro*riate res*onse or a *lausi$le solution to the



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situation 5ha-er ? Mi%ulin!er( 6168' ;tta!h&ent figures <hel* a *erson &aintain e&otional

$alan!e and resilien!e in the fa!e of stress= 5ha-er ? Mi%ulin!er( 616( *'1A78' Con-ersations

)ith Nathan ha-e hel*ed &e to res*ond *ro*erly to situations )hen &y first instin!t )as to

res*ond irrationally' 2 la$el &y rea!tions as irrational $e!ause they do not &eet the fun!tional

goal of rea!hing a state of e&otional regulation' /&otional regulation is i&*ortant $e!ause

res*onding in a so!ially a!!e*ta$le )ay to e-ents %ee*s the *ea!e and *re-ents any unne!essary

!onfli!t fro& arising' 2f 2 had a!ted on &y irrational thoughts in so&e situations( 2 honestly thin%

2 !ould ha-e ruined relationshi*s' 2 also ha-e de-elo*ed a *ersonal standard for &yself )hen 2

get angry'

2ndi-iduals de-elo* *ersonal standards fro& influen!es in their li-es( )hi!h !an in!lude

signifi!ant *eo*le( and $ase their o)n rea!tions on the rea!tions of others 5Bandura( 19918' My

*ersonal standard for rea!ting )hen 2 a& angry is to )ithhold fro& yelling $e!ause 2 )as

freuently e.*osed to a lot of that )hen &y *arents )ere di-or!ing and 2 sa) ho) it only &ade

the situation )orse' 2nstead( 2 e.*e!t &yself to ta%e ti&e and !ool do)n( and to res*ond !al&ly(

and if 2 feel that 2 !annot do that right a)ay( 2 re&o-e &yself fro& the situation until 2 !an' 2 a&

a strong $elie-er in ta%ing the ti&e to &a%e sure that the !on-ersation !an $e *rodu!ti-e $e!ause

anger is ugly on e-eryone( it !an !ause us to say things that )e do not &ean and ulti&ately( it

&a%es things )orse than $efore' 2 e.*e!t &yself to rea!h this goal )hen 2 get angry'

;nother i&*ortant !o&*onent of &y relationshi* )ith Nathan is the dyna&i!' 0he

relationshi* is unli%e any other relationshi* 2 ha-e had )ith a *astor' He is &y elder and a

&entor( $ut he see&s li%e a *eer' Last year( )e had so&eone )ho $elie-ed that Nathan )as &y

dad( and our sense of hu&or is the sa&e( so neither of us !orre!ted hi&' "e let hi& $elie-e that

he )as &y dad $e!ause it !aught us $oth off guard $e!ause of the i&*ossi$ility of that $eing true'



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2t felt li%e su!h a ridi!ulous state&ent that )e )anted to see ho) long )e !ould let hi& $elie-e

it' Nathan is not old enough to $e &y father( $ut in a sense( he has felt li%e one' Be!ause Nathan

has ser-ed as a se!ure $ase in &y life( he has felt li%e fa&ily( he has stood $y &e' But he has also

felt li%e an older $rother' Most i&*ortantly( he has $een a friend' 0here )ill $e things that ha**en

and he )ill say so&ething that is *rote!ti-e of &e out of either his $rotherly or fatherly right( so

he says' Nathan is the *erson to )ho& 2 go )hen 2 ha-e good and $ad ne)s' He su**orts &e and

en!ourages &e to $e the $est 2 !an $e' Nathan fulfills the i&*ortant fun!tions of an atta!h&ent

figure'

Lastly( &y relationshi* )ith Nathan is i&*ortant $e!ause it is not #ust onesided'

;lthough he ser-es as an atta!h&ent figure( the relationshi* in-ol-es &ore than #ust &e and &y

*ro$le&s and ho) 2 should deal )ith the&' Nathan shares as*e!ts of his life and his struggles in

graduate s!hool )ith &e and allo)s &e to $e *art of his life' He and his )ife )el!o&e &e into

their ho&e' 0hey allo) &e to $a$ysit their sons( *utting our friendshi* on a different le-el $y

in-ol-ing &e )ith their fa&ily life' >utting the relationshi* on that le-el &a%es &e feel !ared for

and !o&forted( going $a!% to his role as an atta!h&ent figure'

My relationshi* )ith Nathan has $een influential in !hanging the )ay that 2 relate to

*eo*le' Be!ause of &y relationshi* )ith &y &other( 2 felt $etrayed and a$andoned' 0here )ere

ti&es that 2 found &yself $eing really !lingy to the *eo*le in &y life or !o&*letely shutting the&

out' 2t )as ne-er !onsistent' 2 )ould hold really high e.*e!tations for *eo*le to fulfill( and they

)ould al)ays fail( *ushing &e further a)ay' 2t )as unhealthy and it )as not realisti!' Before

using Nathan as a se!ure $ase( 2 la!%ed se!urity( &eaning that 2 dou$ted &yself and refused to

trust *eo*le and their a$ility to &eet &y needs 5Eil&ann( Carran,a( ? ende&ia( 6A8' 2

$elie-e that &y atta!h&ent style )as *reo!!u*ied( &eaning that in relationshi*s )ith others( 2



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had $e!o&e too de*endent on those in &y life and )as !onstantly !on!erned a$out a$andon&ent

5Eil&ann et al'( 6A8' 2 )anted to &a%e sure that 2 )ould not $e a$andoned $y another *erson

in &y life( so 2 *ut unattaina$le e.*e!tations on the&' >reo!!u*ied atta!h&ent !o&es fro&

la!%ing the feeling of !onsisten!y and su**ort fro& *arents or atta!h&ent figures 5Eil&ann et al'(

6A8' No)( after e.*loring &y *ast and !onfronting &y hearta!he( 2 understand that )hat 2 )as

doing $efore )as not the $est )ay to go a$out relationshi*s' 2 understand that *eo*le are *eo*le

and that )e !annot e.*e!t the& to fulfill e-ery need that )e ha-e' 2 ha-e learned to *ut less

*ressure on the *eo*le in &y life to $e *erfe!t' ;lthough these e.*e!tations )ere ne-er

-o!ali,ed( 2 )as still $eing unhealthy and a)ful to the i&*ortant *eo*le in &y life' 2n &y head( 2

)as feeling a lot of things to)ards those *eo*le' But they )ere only seeing &e get !lingy( then

sho-e the& a)ay' 2t )as ne-er a $alan!e( or if it )as( it )as only for a short *eriod of ti&e' ;fter

digging into &y *ast )ith Nathan( 2 ha-e earned se!urity rather than ha-ing a *reo!!u*ied

atta!h&ent' 2 understand relationshi*s $etter than 2 did $efore'

Relationshi*s are essential to hu&an fun!tioning' My relationshi* )ith Nathan has %e*t

&e grounded and solid( si&ilar to the /arth4s inner !ore' ;s 2 )as di-ing dee*er into the *ain of

&y *ast( the *ressure )as also in!reasing' 0here )ere ti&es )hen 2 felt &yself !ra!%ing under

the *ressure of dealing )ith &y *ast and dealing )ith things that )ere $othering &e in the

&o&ent' 0he /arth4s inner !ore is a$le to re&ain solid $e!ause the &elting te&*erature rises

)ith the in!reased *ressure' 0his idea is si&ilar to using Nathan as a se!ure $ase to %ee* &e

sta$le and to hel* !o&$at any *ressure that 2 en!ountered )ith e.*loring the *ast' 0he strength of

&y o)n inner !ore has hel*ed &e to sur-i-e intense a&ounts of *ressure' 2 )as a$le to !hange

&y &indset of ho) to a**roa!h relationshi*s( so &y a!tions ha-e also !hanged' 0he /arth4s

inner !ore rotates se*arately fro& the rest of the /arth' 0he *art of &e that %ee*s &e going is the



11

shift in the &indset of ho) to a**roa!h relationshi*s( )hi!h ulti&ately !hanges &y a!tions' 2

see% a $alan!e and &utual res*e!t in &y friendshi*s' 2 ha-e $e!o&e a *erson )ho is less

!on!erned )ith ha-ing the &ost friends( $ut &ore !on!erned )ith ha-ing the $est friends' 0he

*eo*le )e !hoose to surround oursel-es )ith is one of the &ost i&*ortant de!isions )e !an

&a%e'

The Outer Core

uring &y !ollege !areer( 2 ha-e ta!%led the e&otional $aggage that 2 ha-e !arried

around )ith &e sin!e &y !hildhood' My *arents4 di-or!e !a&e )hen 2 )as se-en years old(

*ulling our fa&ily a*art as &y &other relo!ated to Louisiana' 0heir di-or!e !a&e a$out due to

&y &other4s res*onse to her diagnosis of $i*olar disorder and nar!issisti! $eha-iors( and she

&ade no effort to sal-age the &arriage' Be!ause of &y &other4s !ondition( 2 do not thin% that she

)as !a*a$le of !aring for &e the )ay that 2 needed' "hen &y &other &o-ed $a!% to Louisiana(

she left &y sister and &e $ehind' 2 &aintained !onta!t )ith her for se-eral years follo)ing the

di-or!e( $ut things )ere ro!%y'

0here )ere se-eral ti&es in the *ast )hen 2 de!ided to sto* tal%ing to &y &other' 0here

)ere in!idents )ith her that left &e !onfused and hurt' 2 did not %no) ho) to &o-e for)ard and

often ti&es &y &o& )anted to *retend li%e nothing ha**ened' One &o&ent( in *arti!ular(

ha**ened &y so*ho&ore year in high s!hool' My &other left &e a -oi!e&ail in the &iddle of the

night saying that her ti&e )as !o&ing to an end and that 2 should sti!% to the *eo*le around &e(

and to find hel*' he )as !rying in the -oi!e&ail( telling &e that this )as the end( $ut in the

$a!%ground of her !all( the &elodi! $ee*s of hos*ital &a!hines )ere audi$le' he had !alled &e

fro& the hos*ital( )here she )as surrounded $y s%illed do!tors and nurses( to tell &e that she

)as dying'



12

Before this &o&ent( 2 had ne-er reali,ed that &y &other had e-er $een sui!idal' My dad

said that this )as definitely not the first <stunt= she had e-er *ulled li%e this' 2n his angry( $itter

)ords( <she did this %ind of shit for attention all the ti&e=' 2 had al)ays $een shielded fro& the

nastiness that trans*ired through the di-or!e' 2 a& than%ful for that *rote!tion( $ut finding out

things years after the fa!t is still diffi!ult' 2 did not %no) ho) to *ro!ess the situation' 0o &a%e

&atters )orse( &y &o& !alled &e a )ee% later and left &e her nor&al -oi!e&ail( *retending li%e

nothing had ha**ened'

;fter seeing $eha-iors refle!ting o**osite ends of the s*e!tru& )ithin t)o )ee%s( 2 )as

left !onfused' 0here )as no )ay that 2 !ould #ust %ee* going on li%e nothing had ha**ened' 0hat

&o&ent !hanged &any things for &e' 2 had al)ays %no)n that &y &o& )as unhealthy and not

)illing to ta%e !are of herself( $ut she )as to the *oint )here she let her daughters see the

se-erity of the situation' No !hild should e-er hear that her &other )as trying to %ill herself' 0hat

lea-es so &any uestions' But to &a%e it )orse( she ignored it( lea-ing e-en &ore uestions' 2

de!ided to send her an e&ail to tell her 2 )as !onfused and that 2 did not )ant to tal% to her for a

)hile'

o 2 )ent &onths )ithout tal%ing to her' he !alled &e se-eral &onths later( and 2 ha-e

no idea )hat !a&e o-er &e( $ut 2 ans)ered it' he ne-er a!%no)ledged the fa!t that )e had not

$een s*ea%ing for &onths' he did not e-en $other to $ring u* the -oi!e&ail' 2 )as hurt $y her

desire to ignore it all' But for so&e reason( 2 %e*t tal%ing to her on a regular $asis' 2 ne-er s*o%e

&y &ind a$out )hat 2 felt( $ut that is &ostly $e!ause 2 )as not a)are of )hat 2 felt' 2 #ust

re&e&$er !rying )hen she left the t)o -oi!e&ails( and again )hen 2 ans)ered the *hone !all

and she ignored the *ast' 2 sho-ed &y e&otions to the side( un*ro!essed( !reating a dee*er

)ound than )hat )as already there'



13

2 tal%ed to &y &o& for a )hile after that( $ut offi!ially( our relationshi* )as done $y the

ti&e 2 graduated high s!hool' 2 )as not s*ea%ing to her and )ent &y first !ou*le years of !ollege

)ithout s*ea%ing to her unless 2 )as res*onding to a te.t a$out &y address or so&ething that 2

dee&ed essential' Last s*ring( 2 de!ided that 2 did not handle the situation *ro*erly' 2 shut her out

of &y life $ut did not e.*lain )hy' Many *eo*le told &e that she did not deser-e an e.*lanation

$e!ause she has not $een a good &other' 0hey told &e that 2 o)ed her nothing' But 2 o)ed it to

&yself to e.*lain )hy )e )ere not s*ea%ing' 2 rea!hed a *oint )here 2 reali,ed that 2 !ould not

&o-e for)ard )ithout a!%no)ledging the *ain and $itterness that 2 )as holding onto'

2 finally ad&itted the things that she &ade &e feel' My ne.t artifa!t is a letter that 2 sent

to &y &other' 0he letter 2 sent her is the &ost honest 2 ha-e e-er $een )ith her or anyone for that

&atter' 2 ga-e her a list of things that 2 felt and e.*lained )hy 2 felt that )ay' 0hose things

in!luded: disa**ointed at her ina$ility to &other( angry that she did not !are a$out the

!onseuen!es of any of her a!tions( hurt that she left &y sister and &e and also hurt that she

stri**ed &y dad of his ha**iness( and finally her a!tions left &e feeling inse!ure' 2 internali,ed

&any things )hen she left( the $iggest one $eing that if &y o)n &other did not lo-e &e( then

)ho !ould+ >arents are su**osed to $e lo-ing and nurturing( and should not lea-e their !hild

feeling any of those things'

0he letter )as hard for &e to )rite( $ut 2 a& glad 2 sent it' 0he !on-ersations follo)ing

the letter !onfir&ed &y de!ision to !ut her out of &y life' ;fter sending the letter( &y &other and

2 !o&&uni!ated o-er te.t for a)hile and it got to the *oint that )e )ere )or%ing on setting u* an

in*erson !on-ersation to tal% a$out *ast e-ents' But &any *ro&ises on her end fell through( and

)e had differing e.*e!tations( so 2 de!ided to !an!el the *ro*osed &eeting' 2 de!ided that 2 did

not need to ha-e a !on-ersation )ith her to &o-e for)ard' 2 had already rea!hed a sense of *ea!e



14

fro& de-elo*ing a se!ure atta!h&ent $y using Nathan as a se!ure $ase and fro& sending &y

&o& a letter' ; *erson4s adult atta!h&ent style is !lassified as se!ureautono&ous )hen they

&aintain narrati-e !oheren!e( )hi!h is )hen <the *resentation and e-aluation of e.*erien!es is

internally !onsistent( and res*onses are !lear( rele-ant and reasona$ly su!!in!t= regardless of

*ositi-e or negati-e e.*erien!es 5Main( 199A( *'6D8' My de!ision to &o-e for)ard )ithout a

!on-ersation is an e.a&*le of narrati-e !oheren!e $e!ause 2 )as a$le to thin% a$out &y needs

!learly and reali,ed that the !on-ersation )ould not $e *rodu!ti-e' "hen 2 sent &y &other the

letter( 2 )as !onfronting her for the first ti&e in &y life' <Often the result of daring greatly is not

a -i!tory &ar!h as &u!h as it is a uiet sense of freedo& )ith a little $attle fatigue= 5Bro)n(

616( *' D38' 2 sent &y &other the letter )hi!h too% a lot out of &e( $ut ulti&ately &y sense of

*ea!e %ind of !re*t its )ay in' 2 a& not saying that 2 a& !o&*letely and fore-er healed fro& her

*ainful relationshi*( $ut 2 feel the &ost !ontent )ith )here 2 a&' 2 %no) ho) to &o-e for)ard'

My relationshi* )ith &y &o& is the &ost diffi!ult relationshi* that 2 ha-e e-er had' 2t

has $een e.!ru!iating at ti&es' But it is the relationshi* that &oti-ates &e the &ost' 2 hang on to

the fear that 2 )ill one day end u* li%e &y &other' 2 a& &oti-ated to $e!o&e e-erything she

!ould not $e!o&e' Mainly( 2 !an ne-er let &yself sto* !aringa$out &y )ell$eing( a$out those

around &e( and a$out &y future' 0he &o&ent 2 sto* !aring is the &o&ent that things go

do)nhill' 2 ha-e seen *eo*le )ho li-e nor&al li-es e-en after the diagnosis of $i*olar disorder(

$ut the differen!e $et)een those *eo*le and &y &other is &oti-ation' 0here are t)o *ri&ary

ty*es of &oti-ation: intrinsi! and e.trinsi!' 2ntrinsi! &oti-ation is )hen a *erson *erfor&s an

a!tion for their o)n gratifi!ation )ith that a!ti-ity 5Ryan ? e!i( 68' /.trinsi! &oti-ation is

)hen a *erson *erfor&s the a!tion $e!ause of the re)ard they )ill re!ei-e 5Ryan ? e!i( 68'

Both for&s of &oti-ation lead to results' For &y &other( if she got hel* for herself $e!ause she



15

found #oy in that a!tion( that )ould $e intrinsi! &oti-ation' /.trinsi! &oti-ation )ould $e her

see%ing hel* $e!ause the *eo*le around her &ay treat her $etter )hen they see that she is getting

hel*' Both of these ty*es of &oti-ation )ould result in her see%ing hel* and )or%ing on

i&*ro-ing her )ell$eing' But )ithout this &oti-ation( she is stu!% )here she is' Moti-ation is

i&*ortant to o-er!o&e any o$sta!le( )hether it $e one of &ental health or a *hysi!al o$sta!le'

By *ro!essing this relationshi* and refra&ing ho) 2 loo% at it( 2 $elie-e 2 ha-e gone

through a *ro!ess of resilien!e' Resilien!e !an $e defined as <su!!essful ada*tation des*ite ris%

and ad-ersity= 5Masten( 199D8' Resilien!e is often des!ri$ed in the *o*ular *ress as a *ersonality

trait that so&eone !an *ossess' But resear!h has defined resilien!e as a *ro!ess( rather than a trait

5Masten( 618' Resilien!e is not running a)ay and a-oiding *ro$le&s( $ut it is finding a )ay to

!o*e )ith the&( and to ho*efully stri-e in the fa!e of that ad-ersity'

;!!ording to Brods%y and Cattaneo 56138( there are fi-e !o&*onents to resilien!e as a

*ro!ess: a)areness( intention( a!tion( refle!tion( and &aintenan!e' ;)areness in-ol-es refra&ing

ho) the *erson loo%s at the &istreat&ent 5Brods%y ? Cattaneo( 6138' Originally 2 thought that

&y &other left and )as &ani*ulati-e $e!ause she did not lo-e &e' "ith ti&e( ho)e-er( 2 )as

a$le to refra&e that idea( $elie-ing that she !ould not hel* herself $e!ause she !ould not li-e

*ro*erly )ith a $i*olar diagnosis' he let the diagnosis destroy her( )hi!h affe!ted ho) she

treated the *eo*le in her life' My a$ility to refra&e ho) 2 thin% a$out &y &other4s a!tions is

si&ilar to narrati-e !oheren!e that !o&es )ith se!ure adult atta!h&ent 2 a& a$le to se*arate

&yself fro& the relationshi* and thin% !learly a$out her a!tions 5Main( 199A8'

Ne.t is intention( )hi!h is set to a!hie-e goals that are &eant to &a%e a differen!e

5Brods%y ? Cattaneo( 6138' For &e( &y intention that 2 set )as to ne-er sto* !aring' 0hrough

this goal( 2 !an a!hie-e things that hel* &y )ell$eing( $ut also hel* those around &e' By sharing



16

things fro& &y *ast( and offering &y hel*( 2 !an ho*efully &a%e a differen!e around &e' ;!tion

is the ne.t )ell thoughtout ste* )hi!h in-ol-es organi,ation and lo!ation of resour!es and

utili,ation of those resour!es 5Brods%y ? Cattaneo( 6138' ;!tions !an loo% different for

e-eryone( de*ending on the *ro$le& at hand' My a!tion ste* )as to see% hel* fro& Nathan' My

relationshi* )ith Nathan )as !ru!ial to the $eginning stages of this resilien!e *ro!ess' 2 %ne) 2

needed hel* ta!%ling the *ain of &y *ast and 2 sought hel* )hen needed' Refle!tion is *art of the

*ro!ess that is ha**ening at all stages( refle!ting on and a**re!iating the s&all things that $uilt

u* to su!!esses' Refle!tion also in!ludes thin%ing a$out stressors as &oti-ators and also as

e-ents fro& )hi!h to dra) !ontent&ent 5Brods%y ? Cattaneo( 6138' For &e( ea!h ti&e 2

en!ounter a side of &y &o& that 2 ha-e ne-er seen( 2 a& &oti-ated to $e!o&e the o**osite of

that' "hen 2 )rote the letter to her( 2 !ounted that as a su!!ess and felt a sense of *ea!e' 2 used

that *ro!ess of )riting her a letter to $e!o&e !ontent )ith )here 2 )as and ho) 2 felt a$out our

relationshi*'

0he final !o&*onent of resilien!e is &aintenan!e' Maintenan!e in-ol-es <*rote!ting(

*sy!hologi!al sense of !o&&unity( fle.i$ility( and ada*tation to !hange o-er ti&e( !onstant

effort( and an a**re!iation for in!re&ental gro)th= 5Brods%y ? Cattaneo( 613( *' 3DA8' For &e(

2 feel that 2 ha-e &aintained all of these things' 2 %no) 2 ha-e a !o&&unity around &e that

su**orts &e' 2 a& fle.i$le )hen ne) !hallenges arise fro& &y &other( and 2 in!or*orate the

lessons 2 learn fro& those instan!es into &y life and allo) the !hange to ha**en' 2 a& !onstantly

trying to o-er!o&e any o$sta!les related to her( and 2 a**re!iate &y gro)th )hen 2 ha-e a ne)

su!!ess'

0his le-el of &y $eing is &ost si&ilar to the outer !ore of the /arth' 0he outer !ore is a

layer of &ag&a( )hi!h is &olten( liuid ro!%' 0he outer !ore is a liuid layer surrounding the



17

inner !ore 5Marsha%( 6118' 0ogether( )ith the inner !ore of the /arth( the /arth4s &agneti! field

is !reated( )hi!h *rote!ts the *lanet fro& the strength and *o)er of the un 5Marsha%( 6118'

"ithin &yself( the inner !ore and the outer !ore )or% together to !hange ho) 2 a**roa!h the

*eo*le in &y life' 2 -alue ha-ing *eo*le )ho are su**orti-e and &eaningful( and 2 -alue !aring

a$out the *eo*le in &y life' My relationshi*s and &y identity )ithin &y relationshi*s refle!ts the

&agneti! field !reated )ithin &y $eing' 0he relationshi*s 2 ha-e in &y life *rote!t &e fro& the

hardshi*s of the )orld around &e'

The Mantle

0he /arth4s &antle is the ne.t layer of the *lanet' 0his layer is *ri&arily a thi!%( ro!%y(

&olten layer 5Marsha%( 6118' "ithin the &antle( !on-e!tion !urrents dri-e the &o-e&ent of the

*lates that &a%e u* the /arth4s surfa!e 5Marsha%( 6118' 0he &antle is out of our sight( $ut it !an

$rea% through in the for& of -ol!anoes )hen *lates se*arate fro& ea!h other'

0his layer of &yself is i&*ortant to the de-elo*&ent of )ho 2 a& $e!ause through the

*ro!ess of $eing -ulnera$le( 2 ha-e let -ol!anoes eru*t $y allo)ing &yself to $e seen' 0he

)illingness( or la!% thereof( to $e -ulnera$le is the nu&$er one thing that holds us $a!% fro&

$eing seen $y those in our li-es' But )hen )e allo) -ulnera$ility to ta%e o-er( *arts of our $eing

surfa!e'

uring &y !ollege !areer( 2 ha-e learned the i&*ortan!e of $eing -ulnera$le' Resear!her

and thought *ro-o%er( r' BrenI Bro)n has *ut forth her o)n !on!e*tuali,ation of -ulnera$ility'

he defines -ulnera$ility as <un!ertainty( ris%( and e&otional e.*osure= 5Bro)n( 616( *' 3D8'

"ith this definition in &ind( 2 $elie-e that 2 ha-e $e!o&e a *erson )ho e&$ra!es -ulnera$ility'

0he artifa!t that re*resents this shift in &y !hara!ter is the $log that 2 started )riting'



18

ulnera$ility &anifests differently for e-eryone'For &e it )as letting *eo*le read a$out

&y life( a notion that at first &ade &e un!o&forta$le' Last January( 2 de!ided to start )riting a

$log that 2 )ould share )ith the *eo*le in &y life' 2 ha-e al)ays $een so good at hiding and

su**ressing &y feelings' 2 tend to shut *eo*le out $e!ause it is easier than letting the& in' But(

$y for!ing &yself to )rite a $log( 2 allo)ed &yself to $e -ulnera$le' 2 )anted to share &y life

)ith those around &e( $ut it )as hard and the ti&ing )as ne-er right' 2 ha-e al)ays $een the

*erson )ho )ill ans)er uestions and $e !o&*letely honest( $ut 2 ha-e ne-er $een the *erson

)ho #ust )illingly *uts things out there' 2t does not feel natural for &e to #ust $ring !ertain things

u*( so 2 a-oided doing so for a long ti&e'

My first $log *ost in!luded &y life story' 2t !o-ered all of the *ainful details of gro)ing

u* in &y household' 2t also !o-ered the de-elo*&ent of &y relationshi* )ith God' "hen 2

originally started )riting the $log( 2 thought 2 )ould share u*dates on &y *rogress and gro)th in

&y relationshi* )ith God' Resear!h has sho)n that religious figures !an ser-e as atta!h&ent

figures 5Gran-ist( Mi%ulin!er( ? ha-er( 698' God !an fulfill all three !o&*onents of an

atta!h&ent relationshi* $e!ause: 18 He is !lose $y $e!ause He is !onsidered o&ni*resent( 68 He

is a safe ha-en $e!ause *eo*le turn to Hi& in ti&es of distress and re!ei-e !o&fort( and 38 He

!an $e a se!ure $ase for *eo*le to e.*lore the )orld 5Gran-ist et al'( 698' My relationshi*

)ith God did not really start to strengthen until 2 )as in !ollege( so 2 do not thin% that 2 !onsider

God an atta!h&ent figure to the e.tent that 2 do Nathan( $ut &y -ie) !ould !hange in the future'

;s &y relationshi* )ith God gro)s stronger( 2 !ould later shift &y idea of God as an atta!h&ent

figure' o in &y $log( 2 thought that 2 )ould share &y gro)th' 2 thought that 2 )ould share

&o&ents )hen 2 felt led $y God( or &o&ents )hen 2 learned so&ething ne) and ho) to a**ly

that to &y life'



19

2 thought that 2 )ould $e trans*arent in &y $log( $ut 2 )as not e.*e!ting to share

e-erything' es( 2 )anted to share the hard things in &y life( $ut 2 thought that it )ould still $e

allaround *ositi-e' 2 thought that 2 )ould gloss o-er the hard stuff and sho) the *ositi-e(

e.!iting as*e!ts of &y life' 2 thought that 2 !ould $e -ulnera$le( $ut still hide' But 2 )as )rong

and &y $log too% a turn' 2 shared ti&es )hen 2 felt li%e 2 )as inadeuate' 2 shared ti&es )hen 2

)as &ad and )hen 2 )as hurt' 2 did not e.*e!t to share those ti&es' 2 e.*e!ted to #ust %ind of

$rush the surfa!e of -ulnera$ility and tal% a$out the *ositi-e things that 2 learned' But there is no

*o)er $ehind )ords li%e that if the hurt and *ain are not first e.*osed'

My )ords )ould not ha-e $een &eaningful if 2 refused to share the &o&ents that &ade

&e hu&an' 2 shared )hen 2 felt led to share( $ut 2 ne-er for!ed &yself to share $e!ause there4s

nothing )orse than $logs that sound for!ed' 2t does not sound li%e it )ants to $e out there( and

you !an only say the sa&e thing a !ertain nu&$er of ti&es $efore it gets old'

Oftenti&es )hen 2 tal% a$out the idea of $eing -ulnera$le( *eo*le asso!iate it )ith

)ea%ness' 0hey *ass a #udg&ent and -ie) &e as )ea%' <ulnera$ility is the !ore of all e&otions

and feelings' 0o feel is to $e -ulnera$le' 0o $elie-e -ulnera$ility is )ea%ness is to $elie-e that

feeling is )ea%ness= 5Bro)n( 616( *' 338' 2 honestly do not !are if *eo*le asso!iate &y desire

and )illingness to $e -ulnera$le )ith )ea%ness' For &e( 2 %no) that it is a &o&ent of strength

and !ourage' Bro)n states that it is the <$irth*la!e of lo-e( $elonging( #oy( !ourage( e&*athy and

!reati-ity' 2t is the sour!e of ho*e( e&*athy( a!!ounta$ility( and authenti!ity= 5Bro)n( 616( *'

3D8' "ith this idea in &ind( it is hard to see -ulnera$ility as )ea%ness' 2t is the &ost i&*ortant

and freeing thing that a *erson !an do'

0hrough e&$ra!ing -ulnera$ility( &y relationshi*s ha-e gro)n stronger2 %no) )ho

&y true friends are and 2 find #oy in %no)ing that' Be!ause 2 started )riting a $log and sharing



20

the things in &y life( it is easier for &e to &o-e for)ard and !ontinue to do so' /a!h ti&e 2 ha-e

e&$ra!ed -ulnera$ility( )hether it $e )riting a $log *ost or doing so&ething outside of &y

!o&fort ,one( 2 ha-e let &yself $e seen( and ea!h ti&e 2 let &yself $e seen( 2 !reated a -ol!ano

through )hi!h *arts of &y $eing surfa!e'

ulnera$ility is not #ust a oneti&e thing' "e ha-e instan!es e-ery day in )hi!h )e !an

!hoose -ulnera$ility( $ut if )e say no to -ulnera$ility( )e %ee* hiding' 0he need for hu&an

!onne!tion is -ital( and it !annot really $e a!hie-ed unless )e let the *eo*le around us see us for

)ho )e are( holding nothing $a!%' 0hrough e&$ra!ing -ulnera$ility( our true identities !o&e

out( )e are no longer hiding $ehind any &as%s or i&ages of *erfe!tion that )e !reated for

oursel-es' "e are $eing authenti!( fla)ed( $ut hu&an'

The Crust

0he /arth4s !rust is the surfa!e layerthe one that )e see' "e see the &ountains and the

ri-ers and the o!eans' But )e do not see the *lates that lie #ust $eneath the surfa!e( !ontrolling

the stru!ture of the !rust' 0here are only a handful of *lates that !o&e together at $oundaries

)hi!h are res*onsi$le for the *resen!e of -ol!anoes( &ountains( and tren!hes( and the &o-e&ent

of *lates is res*onsi$le for earthua%es 5Marsha%( 6118'

"hile the /arth is $elie-ed to ha-e se-en or eight &a#or *lates( 2 !an only see three *lates

of &y $eing 5Marsha%( 6118' 0hese *lates relate to the de!isions 2 &a%e and *lan to &a%e'

0here are three &a#or de!isions 2 ha-e &ade during &y !ollege !areer that hel* to define )ho 2

a&: &y de!isions to *ursue a !areer as a high s!hool !ounselor( go to Me.i!o( and *ursue an

internshi* )ith Fir& Foundations'

; $oo% that 2 en!ountered during one of &y !ourses( Seeing through Race: A

Reinterpretation of Civil Rights Photography $y Martin Berger 56118( dis!ussed the i&*ortan!e



21

of $eing an a!ti-e *arti!i*ant rather than an o$ser-er' 2n one of the !ha*ters( Berger dis!ussed the

)hite *hoto#ournalists )ho !ould $e !onsidered an a!ti-e *arti!i*ant or a &ere o$ser-er' He

argued that the a!ti-e *arti!i*ants )ere those )ho )ere !hasing the ne.t story and !a*turing the

*hotos in the &iddle of the a!tion 5Berger( 6118' ;nd the o$ser-ers )ere the ones )ho )aited

for so&eone else to find the e-ent and !a*tured a *i!ture of the e-ent after it had already $een

dis!o-ered( rather than see%ing out the ne.t &onu&ental *hoto 5Berger( 6118'

0he idea of $eing an a!ti-e *arti!i*ant !an a**ly to anyone in life' ; uestion that 2 often

as% &yself is <)hat a& 2 doing for &yself+= "hen 2 as% this( 2 )ant to &a%e sure that 2 a& not

#ust going through the &otions of life' 2 )ant to !hoose to do things that gi-e &e life )hen 2

*arti!i*ate in the&' 0hese three &a#or de!isions 2 ha-e &ade are all things that 2 do for &yself'

0hey are all for&s of ser-ing others( $ut that is so&ething that $rings &e #oy and %ee*s &e

&oti-ated'

"hen 2 first !a&e to s!hool at NCC( 2 had no idea )hat 2 )anted to do )ith &y life(

in!luding )hat &a#or 2 )anted to !hoose' 2 !a&e in unde!ided( $ut )ith an o*en&ind' ;t the

end of &y fresh&an year( 2 de!ided to de!lare a &a#or of >sy!hology after ta%ing the Myers

Briggs 0y*e 2ndi!ator' 2 %ne) 2 en#oyed the field of >sy!hology and too% ti&e to e.*lore !areer

o**ortunities' 2n the s*ring of &y so*ho&ore year( 2 )rote a *a*er for a to*i!s in *sy!hology

!lass a$out !reati-ity' 2n this *a*er( )e )ere su**osed to try to understand our tra#e!tory' 0his

*a*er is &y ne.t artifa!t $e!ause it )as influential to the future of &y !areer' 2n this *a*er( 2

!onfidently stated that 2 )anted to $e!o&e a high s!hool !ounselor' 0his )as a !areer that 2 had

$een thin%ing a$out for a )hile and finally &ade the de!ision that it )as &y to* !areer interest'

My *assion to $e!o&e a high s!hool !ounselor !a&e fro& &y e.*erien!es in &y o)n

high s!hool' My !ounselors )ere not hel*ful and often left &e &ore !onfused than $efore 2



22

*osed a uestion a$out !ollege and !areer *lans' 2 e.*erien!ed firsthand the need for !o&*etent

*eo*le in this *rofession'

One other reason that 2 de!ided that this !areer )as i&*ortant to &e )as &y relationshi*

)ith &y &other' "e had a hard ti&e( and 2 learned &any lessons fro& this relationshi*' 2 %no)

that 2 ha-e not had all of the sa&e e.*erien!es that &y future students ha-e and )ill ha-e' But

&y o)n e.*erien!es !an relate to &any s!enarios' 2 understand &any e&otions and ha-e

o-er!o&e &any letdo)ns' 2n &y eyes( it is not fair for &e to hold onto &y e.*erien!es )ithout

sharing )hat 2 ha-e learned to hel* the *eo*le around &e' 2 %no) that !ounseling is &ore than

#ust listening and relating( $ut as a high s!hooler( all 2 )anted )as so&eone )ho !ould relate to

)hat 2 felt' 2 )anted so&eone to listen( understand and guide &e in &y future' ;s a high s!hool

!ounselor( 2 thin% 2 !ould *ro-ide that su**ort for the students'

My desire to $e!o&e a high s!hool !ounselor also !o&es fro& &y lo-e of ser-ing others'

0his lo-e is so&ething that 2 learned )hile in Me.i!o' My ne.t artifa!t is a $a!%*a!%' 0his

$a!%*a!% is a &e&ento that 2 *ur!hased for &y first real &ission tri*' 2 )ent to Me.i!o for the

first ti&e during the s*ring $rea% of &y fresh&an year and again during the s*ring $rea%s of &y

#unior and senior years' On this first tri*( 2 )as the only fresh&an that )ent( )ith a grou* of fi-e

staff &e&$ers and 13 other students' "e tra-eled to the !ities of 0i#uana and 0e!ate( )hi!h are

lo!ated #ust south of the $order in an iego( California' 0he goal of this tri* )as to $uild a

house' "e )ere res*onsi$le for $uilding it *ro*erly( and lea-ing the su**lies for the o)ners to

finish the inside' 0he !o&*any that )e )or% through( ;&or Ministries( ado*ted the *hiloso*hy

of allo)ing the ne) ho&eo)ners to ta%e o)nershi* of their house $y adding the final tou!hes'

"e $uild the fra&es( the roof( and stu!!o the outside for the&( $ut they are left )ith the tas% of

!o&*leting the final stages of the )all !onstru!tion' ;&or $elie-es that lea-ing the o)ners



23

so&ething to do on their house is &ore effe!ti-e than !o&*leting e-erything and gi-ing the&

su!h a large gift' 0he *eo*le are a**re!iati-e enough for the fa!t that )e are )illing to !o&e

$uild for the& and &any ti&es they )ant to hel*( $ut do not ha-e the ti&e' Re!ei-ing an entire(

!o&*leted house )ould $e too o-er)hel&ing and )ould $ring guilt and sha&e to the ne)

ho&eo)ners sin!e they %no) they )ould not ha-e !ontri$uted to the $uilding of the house( so

)e lea-e the& so&ething to finish'

On &y first tri*( 2 )as out of &y !o&fort ,one' "e )ere !a&*ing in tents and sho)ering

fro& solar $ags that )ere set on to* of a shelf in an o*en roo&' 2 )as also surrounded $y a lot of

*eo*le )ho 2 did not %no) -ery )ell' But things !ould not ha-e gone s&oother for us that )ee%'

"e all got along so )ell and )or%ed li%e a )elloiled &a!hine to $uild the house for the fa&ily

)e a!tually finished early'

0he se!ond ti&e 2 )ent on this tri*( )e )ere infor&ed that the !onditions that )e )ere

li-ing )ith during the )ee% )ere $etter than those e.*erien!ed e-ery day $y &any of the lo!al

*eo*le' 0hat state&ent $le) &y &ind' >art of the fun of this tri* is the !hange in resour!es and

the ad-enture of !a&*ing' But the thought that the s&all a&ount of resour!es that )e had )as

&ore than )hat so&e *eo*le had on a regular $asis !hanged &y *ers*e!ti-e !o&*letely' 2 a& not

used to *o-erty' 2 a& used to !o&fort' 2 a& used to %no)ing that 2 )ill $e eating dinner and ha-e

a *la!e to slee* ea!h night' 2 had ne-er really thought a$out the fa!t that these are real( stressful

!on!erns for *eo*le in the )orld' "hen )e heard that fa!t( 2 fell e-en &ore in lo-e )ith the tri*

and the )or% )e )ere a$le to do for the fa&ilies'

2 lo-ed the idea of essentially <gi-ing u*= &y s*ring $rea% to hel* those )ho needed a

fresh start' >art of the tri* !ost is the !ost of &aterials for the house' 2t is one thing to !o&e in

and $uild a house for so&eone( $ut another )hen you !an !onfidently say that you hel*ed )ith



24

e-ery as*e!t' 2t )ould $e a !o&*letely different tri* if the su**lies )ere *ro-ided $y the fa&ilies

or $y ;&or and all )e had to do )as !o&e in and $uild' >aying for the &aterials &ade us &ore

!onne!ted to the fa&ilies and to the )or% )e )ere doing for the&'

My first ti&e going on the tri*( 2 dis!o-ered &y lo-e of ser-ing others' 2 learned that 2

a& a *erson )ho lo-es *eo*le through ser-ing rather than any for& of !o&&uni!ation' 2 a& a

fir& $elie-er in the state&ent that a!tions s*ea% louder than )ords' 2 )ould &u!h rather do

so&ething for so&eone to &a%e the& feel lo-ed than say so&ething to &a%e the& feel that )ay'

2 )as a$le to sho) lo-e to the tea& 2 )as )or%ing )ith( $ut also to the fa&ilies )e )ere ser-ing'

2 also dis!o-ered that a )ay that 2 heal fro& &y o)n *ain and hearta!he is through a!ts of

ser-i!e' 2t hel*s &e to hel* others'

On &y se!ond tri*( any dou$ts that 2 had a$out the *ro!ess of sele!ting fa&ilies )ere

!o&*letely destroyed' 2 did not understand ho) ;&or !ould de!ide )ho )as )orthy of a ne)

house and )ho )as not' 2t )as not as si&*le as that' 0here are &any *eo*le in the area )here )e

)ere )or%ing )ho had nothing( and )ho )ere running out of s*a!e to house their fa&ilies' 2

al)ays thought that the hardest *art )ould $e !hoosing $et)een )ho )as )orthy of a ne) house

and )ho )as not' "e learned a$out the sele!tion *ro!ess )hen t)o of the lo!al !hur!h *astors

!a&e and s*o%e to us one night'

0he *astors shared that the fa&ilies are !hosen $ased on )ho !o&es to the !hur!h' For

the &ost *art( the fa&ilies )e ser-e are those in )hi!h the father figure has had a hard ti&e

*ro-iding for the fa&ily $e!ause of his in-ol-e&ent )ith drugs or al!ohol( $ut ha-e !o&e to the

!hur!h loo%ing for a fresh start' 0hese are &en )ho ha-e a!%no)ledged their selfishness and

their sins( $ut )ant to !hange and )ant to *ro-ide for their fa&ilies and &a%e the& the to*

*riority' 0his hit ho&e )ith &e $e!ause &y dad struggled )ith al!ohol for a large *art of &y



25

!hildhood' 2t &ade &e uestion )hat )ould ha-e ha**ened to &e if he did not get hel* and

transfor& his life' 0he e.*lanation of the sele!tion *ro!ess &ade &e feel &ore !onne!ted to

those )ho )e )ere ser-ing $e!ause that !ould ha-e $een &e to so&e degree'

er-ing in Me.i!o has $een one of the highlights of &y !ollege !areer' 0he ti&e 2 s*ent

there allo)ed &e to refle!t on &y life and learn things a$out &yself that 2 )as not entirely sure

)ere there' 2 %ne) that 2 !ared for the *eo*le around &e( $ut 2 did not reali,e the #oy that 2 found

in the a!tion of ser-ing and sa!rifi!ing *art of &y ti&e to &a%e a differen!e in so&eone4s life' 2

learned ho) to translate the #oy 2 found in Me.i!o into &y day to day life' 2 learned the

i&*ortan!e of $eing grateful for e-erything 2 ha-e and ulti&ately !hoosing #oy( )hether that is

$eing a$le to ser-e so&eone or doing so&ething else 2 lo-e'

My final artifa!t is a $inder' 0his $inder !ontains *a*er)or% fro& &y internshi* )ith

Fir& Foundations' Fir& Foundations is a non*rofit organi,ation that i&*le&ents a &entoring

*rogra& for &iddle s!hool and high s!hool girls' uring the first !ou*le of &onths of &y

internshi*( 2 )as si&*ly in !harge of the 0)itter a!!ount and sharing ins*irational uotes' 0hat

)as si&*le enough( $ut it )as not fulfilling' 2 later as%ed if 2 !ould #oin the iMatter Girls

&entoring sessions( and 2 a& so grateful to $e *art of that grou*'

0he &entoring sessions allo) &e to get a -ery( -ery s&all taste of )hat lies in &y future'

2 get to $e su**orti-e and listen to girls )ho #ust need so&eone to $e there for the&' 2 a& not

assigned to s*e!ifi! girls( rather there is a grou* of )o&en )ho hel* fa!ilitate the sessions and

!ontri$ute to the dis!ussion' 2 li%e this organi,ation $etter than oneonone &entoring $e!ause )e

!an share the sa&e &essage )ith all of the girls at on!e'

One of the first sessions 2 *arti!i*ated in )as a$out fa&ily relationshi*s' "e s*ent our

*re-ious sessions outlining )hat healthy relationshi*s and unhealthy relationshi*s loo%ed li%e'



26

o our dis!ussion of fa&ily relationshi*s )as &ore in de*th' "e tal%ed a$out the i&*ortan!e of

!o&&uni!ation $et)een the girls and their fa&ilies( &ainly )ith their *arents or guardians' "e

tal%ed a$out )hat the role of the *arent )as su**osed to $e and )hat they )ere su**osed to do

in return'

2n this &entoring session( 2 )as a$le to $e -ulnera$le and tal% a$out the ro!%y

relationshi* )ith &y &other' 2 shared the letter 2 sent her )ith the girls and re!ei-ed nothing $ut

su**ort fro& the&' 0he *ur*ose of &e sharing that letter )as to *ro-ide an e.a&*le of

!onfrontational( $ut not har&ful !o&&uni!ation' 2 )as a$le to share the details of &y ro!%y

relationshi* and *ro-ide su**ort and en!ourage&ent to any girls fa!ing si&ilar issues' But 2 )as

also a$le to $e an e.a&*le for the girls'

2t is i&*ortant for &e to $e a &entor $e!ause that is so&ething that has $een so

influential in &y life' 2t is e.tre&ely hel*ful to ha-e so&eone outside of fa&ily or a friend !ir!le

)ho su**orts you' 2 )ish 2 had $een *art of so&ething li%e the iMatter &entoring sessions )hen

2 )as in high s!hool' es( 2 had fa&ily and friends )ho su**orted &e( $ut an outside *ers*e!ti-e

and su**orter should al)ays $e )el!o&ed'

Conclusion

0he /arth is dyna&i!( and !onstantly !hanging' Ne) things are ha**ening e-ery day(

es*e!ially on the surfa!e that )e see' Ri-ers( -alleys( &ountains are for&ed' Ri-ers dry u*(

*lates !on-erge and di-erge' 0he /arth is !onstantly !hanging( $ut one thing that re&ains is the

need to %ee* the o-erall stru!ture' 2 a& !onstantly !hanging( $ut one thing that stays !onstant is

the idea that 2 ha-e $asi! needs that need to $e fulfilled' ; $asi! need is an <energi,ing state that(

if satisfied( !ondu!es to)ard health and )ell$eing $ut( if not satisfied( !ontri$utes to *athology



27

and ill$eing <5Ryan ? e!i( 6( *' 7D8' 2n their dis!ussion( Ryan and e!i 568 outline

three $asi! *sy!hologi!al needs!o&*eten!e( autono&y( and relatedness'

Co&*eten!e is the sense of effi!a!y or a$ility to su!!eed or to !o&*lete a tas% 5Ryan ?

e!i( 68' ;fter using Nathan as a se!ure $ase( 2 ha-e noted &y shift fro& unhealthy to

healthier relationshi*s' 2 ha-e noted &y !hange( and therefore( feel !o&*etent and !onfident

)hen it !o&es to a**roa!hing relationshi*s and !hoosing friends $ased on their a$ility to $e

su**orti-e' 2 also feel !o&*etent in &y a$ility to &a%e de!isions a$out &y future( s*e!ifi!ally

&y de!ision to $e!o&e a high s!hool !ounselor' 2t is a de!ision that has $een &anifesting for a

)hile and )ith e-ery ste* for)ard( 2 feel &ore !onfident in that !hoi!e'

;utono&y is the $elief that $eha-ior is selfdeter&ined( or that 2 a& in !ontrol of &y o)n

a!tions and de!isions 5Ryan ? e!i( 68' in!e 2 ha-e $een in !ollege( 2 ha-e $een in !ontrol

of &y de!isions' 2 )as a$le to !hoose &y o)n &a#or( and !hoose &y a!ti-ities' Most i&*ortantly(

2 )as a$le to !hoose )hen to get hel* for &y o)n )ell$eing' Gro)ing u*( 2 )as for!ed to go to

a !ounselor $e!ause &y *arents )anted &e to go( $ut that a**roa!h ne-er )or%ed for &e

$e!ause 2 )as not ready to $e there' "hen 2 )as ready( 2 )as a$le to &a%e that de!ision for

&yself and sought hel* fro& Nathan' 2 ha-e learned to ta%e !are of &yself and &y )ell$eing

)hen needed and not for!ing it too soon $e!ause that is so&eone else4s desire'

Lastly( relatedness is the <need to feel $elongingness and !onne!tedness )ith others=

5Ryan ? e!i( 68' 2 thin% that this is the area that 2 ha-e done the &ost gro)th( )ith ea!h

e.*erien!e and layer of &yself tea!hing &e so&ething different a$out relationshi*s' ;lthough

ea!h e.*erien!e is different( ea!h is -ital to &y de-elo*&ent' 2n the inner !ore( the de-elo*&ent

of a se!ure atta!h&ent has allo)ed &e to learn a$out *ro*er relationshi*s' 2 ha-e !o&e to

understand )hat healthy relationshi*s loo% li%e and ho) to &aintain the&' 2n the outer !ore( 2



28

learned the i&*ortan!e of setting the intention to ne-er sto* !aring' My desire to !are e.tends

*ast &y o)n )ell$eing( $ut to those around &e' 2 ha-e learned that it is essential for &e to $e

!aring and to $e *resent in &y relationshi*s' 2n the &antle( 2 ha-e learned to e&$ra!e

-ulnera$ility' 2 ha-e learned the -alue of for&ing dee*er !onne!tions $y $eing -ulnera$le( )hi!h

ulti&ately &a%es relationshi*s stronger' Mo&ents )hen 2 gro) !loser to *eo*le are a result of

$eing -ulnera$le' 2n the !rust( 2 ha-e three &ain *lates or de!isions that 2 ha-e &ade: identifying

a !areer *ath to $e a high s!hool !ounselor( going on tri*s to Me.i!o( and $eing *art of Fir&

Foundations' ;ll three of those de!isions allo) &e to $e !aring' 0hey allo) &e to fulfill the role

2 ha-e defined for &yself in a relationshi*' 2 a& a$le to fully lo-e those around &e the $est 2 !an(

through &y lo-e language of ser-ing' 2 ha-e learned the i&*ortan!e of relationshi*s to not only

&y )ell$eing( $ut to the )orld around us' Relationshi*s hel* us' 0hey guide us and &oti-ate us'

/a!h of &y e.*erien!es )or%s together to &a%e &e )ho 2 a&' 0he de-elo*&ent of a

se!ure atta!h&ent has allo)ed &e to see the )orld differently' 2 no) see *eo*le as relia$le

entities rather than fla%y and unsu**orti-e' But 2 &ay not ha-e $een a$le to earn se!urity if it had

not $een for &y relationshi* )ith &y &other' Her a!tions and )hat 2 too% a)ay fro& the&

e-entually for!ed &e to see% hel*' 0hey for!ed &e to o*en u* a$out &y life )ith so&eone(

)hi!h )as -ery un!hara!teristi! of &e $efore 2 started !ollege' ;fter using Nathan as a se!ure

$ase( and reali,ing that *eo*le !ould a!tually $e trusted( 2 $egan to e&$ra!e -ulnera$ility' 2

$egan to share as*e!ts of &y life )ith those around &e( and $e!ause of that( &y relationshi*s are

healthier than they ha-e e-er $een' By e&$ra!ing -ulnera$ility and ta%ing ris%s( 2 find ne)

things that 2 lo-e' ;nd those things that 2 lo-e $e!o&e &y de!isions that are sha*ing &y future'

0he *ro!ess of trying to understand &yself has $een a long( re)arding #ourney( $ut it is !ertainly

not o-er yet'



29



30

Referen!es

Bandura( ;' 519918' o!ial !ogniti-e theory of selfregulation' Organizational Behavior and

Human Decision Processes !"( 6DK6K7'

Berger( M' 56118' Seeing through race: A reinterpretation of civil rights photography'

Ber%eley: ni-ersity of California >ress'

Brendtro( L'E' 56A8' 0he -ision of rie Bronfen$renner: ;dults )ho are !ra,y a$out %ids'

Reclaiming Children and #outh $!( 1A61AA'

Brods%y( ;' /'( ? Cattaneo( L' B' 56138' ; trans!on!e*tual &odel of e&*o)er&ent and

resilien!e: i-ergen!e( !on-ergen!e and intera!tions in %indred !o&&unity !on!e*ts'

American %ournal of Community Psychology( !&( 3333DA'

Bro)n( B' 56168' Daring greatly: Ho' the courage to (e vulnera(le transforms the 'ay 'e

live love parent and lead) Ne) or%( N: Gotha& Boo%s'

Gran-ist( >'( Mi%ulin!er( M'( ? ha-er( >' R' 5698' Religion as atta!h&ent: Nor&ati-e

*ro!esses and indi-idual differen!es' Personality and Social Psychology Revie' $*( D9

@9'

Eil&ann( >' R'( Carran,a( L''( ? ende&ia( J'M'C' 56A8' Re!olle!tions of *arent

!hara!teristi!s and atta!h&ent *atterns for !ollege )o&en of inta!t -'s noninta!t

fa&ilies' %ournal of Adolescence &+( K916'

Main( M' 5199A8' 2ntrodu!tion to the s*e!ial se!tion on atta!h&ent and *sy!ho*athology: 6'

O-er-ie) of the field of atta!h&ent' %ournal of Counseling and Clinical Psychology( ,*(

6376D3'

Marsha%( ' 5611 -) .arth portrait of a planet /*th .dition-: Ne) or%( N( "'"' Norton ?

ons( 2n!'



31

Masten( ;' ' 5618' Ordinary &agi!: Resilien!e *ro!esses in de-elo*&ent' American

Psychologist !, ( 66763K'

Masten( ;' ' 5199D8' Resilien!e in indi-idual de-elo*&ent: u!!essful ada*tation des*ite ris%

and ad-ersity' 2n M' "ang ? /' Gordon 5/ds'8( Ris0 and resilience in inner city America:

Challenges and prospects 5**' 36@8' Hillsdale( NJ: /rl$au&'

>ietro&ona!o( >'R'( ? Barrett( L'F' 568' 0he internal )or%ing &odels !on!e*t: "hat do )e

really %no) a$out the self in relation to others+ Revie' of 1eneral Psychology *( 1@@

17@' doi:1'1371K96AK'D'6'1@@

Ryan( R'M'( ? e!i( /'L' 568' elfdeter&ination theory and the fa!ilitation of intrinsi!

&oti-ation( so!ial de-elo*&ent and )ell$eing' American Psychologist !!( AK7K'

doi:1'137113AA'@@'1'AK

ha-er( >' R'( ? Mi%ulin!er( M' 56168' ;tta!h&ent theory' Hand(oo0 of 2heories of Social

Psychology &( 1A179'

"aters( /'( ? Cu&&ings( /'M' 568' ; se!ure $ase fro& )hi!h to e.*lore !lose relationshi*s'

Child Development 3$( 1AD176' doi:1'11111DA7KA6D'13

Documents

Layers of Myself: Going Beyond the Surface