Knock Knock Who

8/14/2019 Knock Knock Who

1/23

KNOCK KNOCK . . .

WHOS JOKING?

A riotous collection of one liners, shortjokes, and the A to Z of top quality

knock knock jokes.


2/23

Knock Knock . . . Whos Joking?

A riotous collection of one liners, short jokes, and the A to Z of topquality knock knock jokes.

If these don't register on your chuckle meter, check your pulse!

We encourage you to share this book FREELY with others, and pass

on the humor virus!

For more clean, short, funny jokes visit our website at:

http://clean-short-funny-jokes.com/ebook

Yours in Laughter,

The Giggle Guys


3/23

ONE LINERS

1. So much to do. So few people to do it for me.2. The thought of terror frightens me.3. You can't teach people to be lazy. They either have it or they don't.4. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.5. The older you get the better you get - unless you're a banana.6. Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.7. Early to bed, early to rise. Work like hell and advertise.8. Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% chance of getting itwrong.9. I've got enough money saved for the rest of my life - unless I want to buy something.10. Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame.11. Hello fellow telepaths. You're fine, how am I?12. If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.13. If your dog is fat, you probably aren't getting enough exercise.

14. Dogs have masters - cats have servants.15. If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable.16. My Dad's religious. That is, if football is a religion.17. The trouble with life is that you're half way through it before you realize it's a do it yourself thing.18. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.19. My road to success could do with less potholes.20. Individuality. Great in everything except police line-ups.21. Anything preying on my mind would starve to death.22. All the world's a stage and I've got an obstructed view.

23. I'm still not sure I understand ambiguity.24. Space is an illusion. Disk space doubly so.25. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?26. Never let facts get in the way of a good argument.27. There is nothing wrong with my car that money can't fix.28. Nothing in life can hurt you - except of course barbed wire, but that's another story.29. Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.30. Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.31. May I refuse to inherit the earth?

32. Never say, "oops!" Always say, "ah, interesting!"33. Age is only important when it comes to dead fish and good wine.34. If cars have horsepower, why don't boats have fishpower?35. Is watching summer re-runs deja view?36. You learn something new everyday - if you're not careful.37. It's a small world - but I wouldn't want to mow it.38. A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "why the long face?"39. Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award because he was out standing in his field?40. Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreensaying 'Parking Fine.'"41. Two aerials meet on a roof fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but thereception was fantastic.42. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


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43. What is brown and sticky? A stick.44. What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG45. What do Mexicans put under their carpets? Underlay, underlay!46. Don't take life too seriously, You're not getting out alive.47. What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!48. With no walls or fences on the Internet, who needs Windows or Gates?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're better now.49. I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.50. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "no hard feelings."51. People who claim that computers will make life easier for us have obviously never used one.52. Computers come in two styles: prototype and obsolete!53. With no walls or fences on the Internet, who needs Windows or Gates?54. To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it isdownright natural.55. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you forweeks.

56. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)57. Printer not ready. Do you have a pen?58. Managing programmers is like herding cats.59. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.60. Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.61. Married men should forget their mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the samething!62. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.63. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

64. Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.65. Why is there braille on drive thru atm's?66. I hate sex on tv, I keep falling off.67. Be Happy, Get Fat.68. Im in shape. Round is shape.69. What kind of cameras do manic-depressives use? Bipolaroids!70. Did you hear about the guy who had a problem with short-term memory loss?71. I do not suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.72. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

73. Hell wouldn't have me... so I came back!!!74. Why do 24 hour stores have locks on their doors?75. Hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt!76. Afghans cant watch the news coz theres a teleban.77. You say Im a bitch - like its a bad thing?78. When I die I want to go in my sleep like my Grand father did, not screaming like the passengers inhis car.79. Some people say I am crazy... but they have never seen me off my medication.80. So what if I'm a psycho? There is no cure for being normal!

CHECKMATE!


5/23

A group of chess players were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. Afterabout an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why?", they asked, as they moved off."Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

BLONDE - OUCH!

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"The doctor said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken finger."

Y2K STATEMENT

"Our staff have completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through everyline of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, includingbackups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y2K" date change mission, and have nowimplemented all changes to all programmes and all data to reflect your new standards:Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December.As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y to K" problem has made anysense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible"

INSURANCE CLAIM FORM QUOTES.

True extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms. These were collected by Norwich Union for their annualChristmas magazine."I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.""I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took

my dog and smothered it with a blanket."Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?A: Traveled by bus?This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:Q - What warning was given by you?A HornQ - What warning was given by the other party?A Moo"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.""I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over theembankment.""The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."


6/23

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way""A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face""A pedestrian hit me and went under my car""In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.""I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection ahedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me tohave an accident.""To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.""An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.""I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

The Wit And Wisdom Of Homer J. Simpson

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddy's, and kids with fake IDs.""Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified foolingmachine.""Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn.It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.""If you really want something in life you have to work for it... now quiet, they're about to announce thelottery numbers.""To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!""I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one,'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.""Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my speciality. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville.Population: you.'""Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you couldwake up dead tomorrow. Well, good, night.""Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get.""Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed.That's the American way.""Stealing!? How could you?? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at

church?? Captain what's-his-name?"

Military Performance AppraisalsThese Are Actual Lines Form Military Performance Appraisals "OERS"

(Officers Efficiency Reports):

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.3. A room temperature IQ.

4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.5. A gross ignoramus... 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.


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8. Bright as Alaska in December.9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.11. Fell out of the family tree.12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

14. He is so dense, light bends around him.15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.20. One neuron short of a synapse.21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.22. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

FOOTBALL QUOTES

"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones" Chris Turner,Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992.

"Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence." NYCosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning.

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest just squandered" George Best.

"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent"Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.

"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on."John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.

"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area, for goalies is between their legs"

ANDY GRAY, SkySport

Richard Keys : Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win theleague?Roy Evans : You have to finish above everyone to win the league, Richard.

"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen."TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday." (Radio 5 Live)

"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money." (NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5Live)


8/23

"I don't believe in luck... but I do believe you need it."ALAN BALL

"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different." TREVORBROOKING

"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead." TOM FERRIE

"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley...unless somebody knocks us out." DAVEBASSETT

"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds." PETER JONES

"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking theiropponents goal." JIMMY HILL

"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins." BRIAN MOORE

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." DAVID ACFIELD

"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio" GERRY FRANCIS

"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers." Mick Lyons

"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head" Derek Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland(1994)

"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did"Barry Davies (1975)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" Stuart Pearce (1992)

Jimmy Hill: Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of gettingthrough? Terry Venables: I think it's fifty fifty

JUSTICE

Judge: Well, sir, I have reviewed this case and I have decided to give your wife $700 a week.Husband: Thats fair, your Honour. Ill try to send her a few bucks myself.

NEW-BORN STATE OF THE ART

New born babies in these new state-of-the-art high tech delivery rooms come out cordless!


9/23

CRY ME A RIVER

Cut up onions floating down a river can make a bridge on the river cry.

Teacher: How do you spell rain?Student: Rane.Teacher: Thats the worst spell of rain weve had in years!

Doctor: Did you take my advice about your insomnia and count before going to sleep?Patient: Yes, I got as far as 28,658 and then it was time to get up.

A woman is sitting at a bar when a man approached her and says: Hi, sweetie, want a little company?Why? asks the woman. do you have one to sell?

-The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.-Alas + Alak = marriage.-My computer has a lot of memory. I just cant remember where it is!-Ever notice how many people are just dying to get into the cemetery?

-Anyone know who won the human race?

KNOCK KNOCK!

Whos there?Aitch!Aitch who?

Bless You!

Whos there?Almond!Almond who?Almond your side!

Whos there?An author!

An author who?An author joke like this and I'm off!


10/23

Whos there?Annie!Annie who?Annie one you like!

Whos there?Arch!Arch who?Bless you!

Whos there?Avenue!Avenue who?Avenue heard the latest knock knock jokes?

Whos there?Ayatollah!Ayatollah who?Ayatollah you already!

Whos there?Ben!Ben who?

Ben gone a long time!

Whos there?Butcher!Butcher who?Butcher left leg in, butcher your left leg out..!

Whos there?Carol!

Carol who?Carol go if you turn the ignition key!

Whos there?Danielle!Danielle who?Danielle at me, it's not my fault!

Whos there?

Daryl!Daryl who?Daryl never be another you...!


11/23

Whos there?Denise!Denise who?Denise are above de ankles!

Whos there?

Dewey!Dewey who?Dewey need all these knock knock jokes?

Whos there?Dynamite!Dynamite who?Dynamite - if you ask her nicely!

Whos there?

Fido!Fido who?Fido known you were coming I'd have baked a cake!

Whos there?Genoa!Genoa Who?Genoa any good knock knock jokes?

Whos there?Hacienda!Hacienda who?Hacienda da story!

Whos there?Harmony!Harmony who?Harmony knock knock jokes are there?

Whos there?Heaven!Heaven who?Heaven seen you in ages!

Whos there?Hobbit!Hobbit who?

Hobbit letting me in then?

Whos there?Honeydew!


12/23

Honeydew who?Honeydew you want to eat out tonight?

Whos there?Howell!Howell Who?

Howell you have your tea, with milk and sugar?

Whos there?Hugo!Hugo Who?Hugo first - I'll follow!

Whos there?Hutch!Hutch Who?

Bless you!

Whos there?Hyman!Hyman Who?Hyman the mood for love!

Whos there?Ike!

Ike who?Ike could have danced all night!

Whos there?Ivan!Ivan who?Ivan idea you know who it is!

Whos there?

Jacqueline!Jacqueline who?Jacqueline Hyde!

Whos there?Jamaica!Jamaica who?Jamaica mistake?

Whos there?Java!Java who?Java good weekend?


13/23

Whos there?Jester!Jester who?Jester minute, I'm looking for my keys!

Whos there?Jewell!Jewell who?Jewell know when you open the door!

Whos there?Joe Namath!Joe Namath Who?Joe Namath not on your door - thath why I knocked!

Whos there?Juan!Juan Who?Juan some more of these knock knock jokes?

Whos there?Judy!Judy Who?Judy liver for free?

Whos there?Juicy!Juicy Who?Juicy what I just saw?

Whos there?Julian!Julian Who?

Julian I are getting married!

Whos there?June!June Who?June know where the post office is?

Whos there?Justice!

Justice Who?Justice I thought, you dont remember me!


14/23

Whos there?Justin!Justin who?Justin Quiring if you want your paper delivered!

Who's there?

Kermit!Kermit who?Kermit a crime and you'll go to jail!

Who's there?Khomeini!Khomeini who?Khomeini time for dinner!

Who's there?

Lauren!Lauren who?Lauren order!

Who's there?Lionel!Lionel who?Lionel get you nowhere, better tell the truth!

Who's there?Lisbon!Lisbon who?Lisbon married eight times!

Who's there?Nadya!Nadya who?Nadya head if you understand what I'm saying!

Who's there?Noah!Noah who?Noah good place to eat?

Who's there?Norway!Norway who?

Norway will I leave until you open this door!

Who's there?Nuisance!


15/23

Nuisance who?What's nuisance yesterday?

Who's there?Omar!Omar who?

Omar goodness gracious, wrong door!

Who's there?Omelet!Omelet who?Omelet smarter than I think I were!

Who's there?Ooze!Ooze who?

Ooze been sleeping in my bed?

Who's there?Orange juice!Orange juice who?Orange juice sorry you asked?

Who's there?Oscar!

Oscar who?Oscar a silly question, get a silly answer!

Who's there?Ottawa!Ottawa who?Ottawa know if you're telling the truth?

Who's there?

Ozzie!Ozzie who?Ozzie you later!

Who's there?Panther!Panther who?Panther what you wear on your legth!

Who's there?Paul!Paul who?Im Paul shook up!


16/23

Who's there?Peg!Peg who?Peg your bardon, I'm dislexic!

Who's there?Phyllis!Phyllis who!Phyllis in on what happened!

Who's there?Pyjamas!Pyjamas who?Pyjamas round me and hold me tight!

Who's there?Quebec!Quebec who?Quebec to the end of the line!

Who's there?Rabbit!Rabbit who?Rabbit up carefully, it's glass!

Who's there?Radio!Radio who?Radio not, here I come!

Who's there?Ralph!Ralph who?

Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! I'm your puppy-dog!

Who's there?Rapunzel!Rapunzel who?Rapunzel troubles in your old kit bag....!

Who's there?Renata!

Renata who?Renata milk, can I borrow some?


17/23

Who's there?Roland!Roland who?Roland stone gathers no moss!

Who's there?

Rufus!Rufus who?Rufus leaking and I'm getting wet!

Who's there?Rupert!Rupert who?Rupert your left arm in, your left arm out ....!

Who's there?

Sabina!Sabina who?Sabina long time since I've seen you!

Who's there?Sadie!Sadie who?Sadie truth and nothing but the truth!

Who's there?Safari!Safari who?Safari so good!

Who's there?Sauce!Sauce who?Sauce together, now she'll tell everyone!

Who's there?Saul!Saul who?Saul the King's horses and all the King's men...!

Who's there?Scissor!Scissor who?

Scissor and Cleopatra!

Who's there?Scott!


18/23

Scott who?Scott nothing to do with you!

Who's there?Shelby!Shelby who?

Shelby comin' round the mountain when she comes..!

Who's there?Sherwood!Sherwood who!Sherwood like to meet you!

Who's there?Shirley!Shirley who?

Shirley you must know me by now!

Who's there?Signor!Signor who?Signor light on, so I knocked!

Who's there?Sigrid!

Sigrid who?Sigrid service - open up!

Who's there?Smee!Smee who?Smee - your neighbour!

Who's there?

Sofa!Sofa who?Sofa so good!

Who's there?Spice!Spice who?Spice, the final frontier!

Who's there?Spider!Spider who?Spider what everyone says. I like you!


19/23

Who's there?Stepfather!Step father who?One stepfather and I'll be in!

Who's there?Stopwatch!Stopwatch who?Stopwatch your doing right now!

Who's there?Stu!Stu who?Stu cold let me in!

Who's there?Summer!Summer who?Summer good and summer not so good!

Who's there?Tamara!Tamara who?Tamara is Tuesday, today is Monday!

Who's there?Tex!Tex who?Tex two to tango!

Who's there?Thatcher!Thatcher who?

Thatcher didnt know who it was!

Who's there?Theodore!Thedore who?Theodore wasn't open so I knocked-knocked!

Who's there?Thermos!

Thermos who?Thermos be a better knock knock joke than this!


20/23

Who's there?Thumb!Thumb who?Thumb like it hot and thumb like it cold!

Who's there?

Tibet!Tibet who?Early Tibet and early to rise!

Whos there?Tish!Tish who?Their great for blowing your nose!

Whos there?

Toby!Toby who?Toby or not toby, that is the question!

Whos there?Twain!Twain who?A twain is what people wide on!

Whos there?Uganda!Uganda who?Uganda get away with this!

Whos there?Valencia!Valencia who?Valencia dollar, will you pay it back?

Whos there?Vaughan!Vaughan who?Vaughan day Ill vin the lottery!

Whos there?Venice!Venice who?

Venice your bell going to vork?

Who's there?Viscount!


21/23

Viscount who?Viscount you install a bell?

Who's there?Waddle!Waddle who?

Waddle you give me if I go away?

Who's there?Wah!Wah who?Well, Im glad youre excited about it!

Who's there?Wanda!Wanda who?

Wanda nother knock knock joke?

Who's there?Water!Water who?Water way to answer the door!

Who's there?Wheelbarrow!

Wheelbarrow who?Wheelbarrow some money and go on holiday!

Who's there?Wicked!Wicked who?Wicked go see a movie!

Who's there?

Willoughby!Willoughby who?Willoughby a monkey's uncle!

Who's there?Wilma!Wilma who?Wilma dreams come true?

Who's there?Witches!Witches who?Witches the best way home?


22/23

Who's there?Wooden shoe!Wooden shoe who?Wooden shoe like to know!

Who's there?Yacht!Yacht who?Yacht to know me by know!

Who's there?Yolanda!Yolanda who?Yolanda me money and Ill pay you back!

Who's there?Yukon!

Yukon who?

Yukon say that again!

Who's there?

Yvonne!Yvonne who?

Yvonne to be alone?

Who's there?Zany!Zany who?Zany body home!

Who's there?Zeke!Zeke who?

Zeke and you shall find!

Who's there?Zombie!Zombie who?Zombies make honey, others are queens!

Who's there?Zsa Zsa!

Zsa Zsa who?Zsa Zsa last knock knock joke!


23/23

We hope you enjoyed Knock Knock . . .Whos Joking?

For more clean, short, funny jokes visit our website at:

http://clean-short-funny-jokes.com/ebook

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Knock Knock Who