Mad Like Shad!

Kiss me neck! Me say, my sister is classic. Hear dis now: one time she dey a UWI1

a study. Dem time dey it was common thing fi people work a Telephone Company a

night and then go dem class a UWI a day time. So my sister and nuff other student used

to pack up pon de Telephone Company staff bus a evening time fi go work as telephone

operator uppa Half Way Tree Road a Kingston.

Now, dem never really like de work for it boring and de supervisor dem feisty an

dem really woulda prefer fi go a dem bed go sleep a night time rather than sit down inna

de cold office whole night a listen to people an dem foolishness wha dem always a call

up operator bout. But dem need de work ’cause UWI school fee nuh easy!

An mek me tell you, a nuff things me sister go through fi get de likkle work. We

did live far from Kingston and the Telephone Company people dem did say dem nah

employ nobody who live far out becau’ dem nuh able fi when rain fall or bus strike

people start say dem can’t reach a work. So when my sister apply fi de job she use her

friend address wha’ live a Kingston. So when dem give her de job as far as dem know a

Kingston she live. But dem say bad luck worse than obeah, for the night she fe start work

one piece a rain fall! Kiss me neck! A did hurricane season an nuff place wash way, some

place flood out, road block and electricity gone. My girl can’t tell dem fi come fi har

’cause she done tell dem already say she live a Kingston and she nuh want lose de likkle

work before she even start. So she draw on har clothes an water boot an say if she haffi

walk go de twenty odd mile she a go walk.

We poor father and mother a put dem hand pon dem head an near fi bawl an a tell

her say, ‘Nuh go out dey! Yuh nuh fraid yuh wash way!’

Anyway, she get a ride part way an she reach an reach early too. An’ then likkle

after she start she must be tell dem say she move go Spanish Town for after dat dem start

pick har up and drop har home sometime too.

Now when you understand the lengths my sister will go to achieve what she want

you will see why she nuh really have no time fi nobody who nuh have dem same drive de

an a so comes she arrive at the conclusion that Gregory simple. T’rough Gregory nah

cuss bad word when the supervisor dem renk wid him: is like him space out some time an

nuh even hear de feistiness dem wha dem come off wid sometime. Him quiet an you

never yet hear him inna no big ray ray wid nobody. An maybe too t’rough him wear one

trousers with one patch pocket pon de back wha look like it come from England she feel

say him just likkle bit too much pon de fool fool side. Kiss me neck! S’ppose yuh see

Gregory inna dem trousers dey doah. Dem did look out a place fi true.

Anyhow, Gregory de a UWI a study an a come a Telephone Company work a night

time like de rest a dem. Him sit down side a my sister inna the call centre. An when de

duppy bite my sister an she want trouble somebody she screw up waste paper and throw

pon Gregory an make game after Gregory just t’rough she know say Gregory nah go do

nutten.

But him get likkle peace when exam time come round. After midnight when

nobody nah call to all that, the call centre quiet. Everybody have dem book out a study.

An is usually just before exam time dat several people go mad an end up a ward 21. Yes.

1 UWI is the abbreviation for University of the West Indies. It is commonly pronounced ‘u-we’ and should

be read as such for the purposes of this piece.

UWI is a place like dat what will mad yuh. Kiss me neck! You have a lecturer up there

name—well me can’t call har name, dem will libel me—but dem call har Cruella. Ooman

cruel is a shame. Kiss me neck! A nuh nutten fi har give de whole class—hundred odd

student—pure zero an mek dem haffi do over subject the next year. Me never have much

to do with har still but me hear bout har. An hear dis, one time my boss have a surprise

party fi him wife an invite some people. Me end up sit down a table wid this lady who

kind of look familiar. So we a talk and me a tell har how she look like somebody wha’

me see before. Den she tell me that she teach a UWI and kiss me neck, a da time me

realise say a Cruella me sit down a chat wid! Me haffi jus’ pretend like me nuh know

nutten and try talk to har without make me face change.

Anyway, back to my sister. Dem have about two months left before exams start.

Everybody quiet a evening time pon staff bus a study, everybody quiet pon dem break,

everybody quiet when the phone dem nah ring. One night pon break, Cassandra she bus

out a bawl inna the staff lounge an a say how she know she a go fail everything an how

she stress out an she nuh know wha fi do. Dem hush har an tell har fi calm down ’cause

she nuh want to stress out herself too much an den end up a ward 21. An even doah dem

sorry fi har dem want she fi stop di noise so dem can get fi gwaan study becau’ dem nuh

want fail too.

Meanwhile, my sister nuh see Gregory. One week pass, no Gregory. Two week

pass, no Gregory. She feel sorry fi him ’cause she know say him crack up under the strain

how him simple. An it never surprise har because she know say out a everybody him

woulda be the one, if anybody, wha’ woulda end up a ward 21. She miss him still, but she

nuh really have time to ask bout him. It nuh make sense waste time pon him right now

fah nobody can’t help him right now. She sure him woulda get over it and when him

better him could study again fi next year.

Anyway, exam come and finally over. And everybody pass. An Cassandra bus out

a big laugh when she tell dem say de subject wha she tink she did a go fail even dat she

pass. She only get a B- fi it but she nuh business. She pass and dat a all she wan’ know.

But poor Gregory—my sister nuh see sight nor sound a him. An doah she still sorry

fi him she soon figet bout him as she get used to the empty chair beside har a night time.

She tell herself say UWI is not fi everybody. It mad some people fi a short time and some

people like Gregory, it mad dem fi life.

One day, long after, my sister a hurry go library pon campus when she glimpse inna

de bookstore and who she see but Gregory a look pon book inside. Kiss me neck! She a

wonder how dem manage mek him escape from ward 21! She nuh have no time but being

the good citizen she is, she figure say she can’t just leave him in dey. Next ting him head

go tek him an him start mash up the people dem place an dem call police fi come beat

him. No man! She busy but she have to help.

She go inside an go up to him and smile nice and say, “Hello, Gregory.”

Gregory surprise to see har and lock up him book and say, “Hello, Patricia.”

“So what you doing in here?” she ask him.

“Oh, I have changed to So-Sci,” Gregory tell har.

“Oh, So-Sci? So you like Social Sciences?” Patricia sound like she a talk to pickney

fah she know say she have to sweet him up and try keep him happy so him head nuh tek

him before she can persuade him fi come out. But she nuh know how she a go persuade

him. One thing she know is that she can’t mention de word ‘mad’ or ‘ward 21’ or nutten

like dat ’cause she hear dat when somebody mad if yuh tell dem say dem mad it will mek

dem worse. So she try a line: try to mek it sound casual. “Come follow me over there,”

she tell him.

Gregory look puzzled. “Over where?” him ask.

“Over there, man. Over there.” She point through the window and being that is a

corridor outside the bookstore what fence in with a big wall, there’s no way poor Gregory

was supposed fi know where she want him to follow har go. But nevertheless, him put up

back the book on the shelf and follow har outside.

Once outside, my sister head towards UWI Hospital. Ward 21 is at UWI Hospital

an it not too far from campus because you know UWI is a teaching hospital. So dem walk

an talk and my sister a try keep him sweet. Dem soon reach outside the gate entrance for

ward 21 an my sister start look round now fi see if she can see a security guard fi say,

“Unoo come grab him!” But she nuh see no guard an she nuh know if when him realise

dat him reach back a ward 21 if him going go off becau’ she bring him come back. My

girl nuh know wha’ fi do. She start look round real wild like.

Gregory stand up an watch har an den when him nuh see har a carry on walk him

say, “What we doing here?”

Kiss me neck, my girl panic!

All she could a do is say, “Yuh not going inside?”

Den is like something go off inna fi har head an she look pon Gregory an say to

herself, “A wonder if me mek a mistake?” She start laugh, bend over and start laugh.

Poor Gregory stand up a wonder is what do har. When she manage fi straighten up, she

say to him, “I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.” And she run lef him stan’ up there same place.

Next night she go work an tell dem what happen. Dem a listen wid dem mouth

open. Can’t believe it! Dem shake dem head when she done talk and inform har say a

study leave Gregory de pon study leave why she nuh see him dis long time. Kiss me

neck! Yuh ever hear nutten so?

An den after dat is like everywhe’ she go, a Gregory dat she a buck up inna. She so

shame dat whenever she see him she hold har head the other direction and go on like she

nuh see him.

Mek yuh wonder doah, who is really mad and who is really sane in this society. All

me know is my sister is classic an she not a full shilling. If she ever hear me! Kiss me

neck!

A yie yie!