Journey to Emotional Maturity Boston, 3-19-2011. Family is the first school for emotional learning （ Daniel Goleman ）

Journey

to

Emotional Maturity

Boston, 3-19-2011

Family

is

the first school

for

emotional learning

（ Daniel Goleman ）

God’s Design

Eph 2:10： For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in

advance for us to do.

God gave us a purpose for life and designed in us the ability to achieve it.

God created in our brain an emotional control center called “the joy center” to have the "executive control” over our emotional systems.

anger

despair

shame

disgust

fear

sad

Primary Emotions

anger

despair

shame

disgust

fear

sad

functional reason for

Primary Emotions

Lost something significant

Run from danger

Move away from harm

Done something out of synch with society

Stop useless endeavor

Fight danger

anger

despair

shame

disgust

fear

sad

Emotional Control Center is not born with, but developed through Interaction with people

Lost something significant

Run from danger

Move away from harm

Done something out of synch with society

Stop useless endeavor

Fight danger

JOY CENTER

Constructing the Joy Foundation

• The joy center grew and developed after birth. • The joy identity region is also the bonding region which

locates at the brain’s right prefrontal cortex.• Taste, smell, and temperature determine joy bonds for

the first 6 weeks after birth.• Touch brings more joy for the second 6 weeks, followed

by visual and hearing in first year of a baby’s life.• The first 12 months are used to build joy-strength brain

tissue. Its strength is needed to learn how to return to joy from unhappy emotions.

Constructing the Joy Foundation• At 15 months, primary emotions turned on and the

strength of the joy foundation is needed to learn how to return to joy from unhappy emotions.

• At 18 months, the joy center attempts to grow a ring around all the emotional centers and builds a unified control over emotions that are connected with a path back to joy – the other brain centers get left out.

• By 36months, we remember, so we can continue being the same person under many different circumstances.

The first three years are foundational years to a person’s emotional health.

Getting each feeling connected to joy, and setting up joy as the normal state of life is no small task. It requires the parents to spend a lot of quality time with baby during the first three years.

Infant stage: Birth through age 3 • Primary task ： Learning to receive• Primary resulting problem ： Weak or

stormy relationships.

Personal tasks Community and family tasks

When the tasks fail

1 。 Lives in joy: Expands capacity for joy, learns that

joy is one’s normal state and builds joy strength.

Parents delight in the infant’s wonderful and unique existence.

Weak identity; fear and coldness dominate bonds with others.

Personal tasks

Community and family tasks

When the tasks fail

2 。 Develops trust

Parents build strong, loving, bonds with the infant – bonds of unconditional love

Has difficulty bonding – which often leads to manipulative, self-centered, isolated, or discontented personality

3 。 Learn how to receive

Give care that matches the infant’s needs, without the infant asking

Is withdrawn, disengaged, self-stimulating, and unresponsive.

Infant stage: Birth through age 3

Infant stage: Birth through age 3Personal tasks Community and

family tasksWhen the tasks fail

4 。 Begins to organize self into a person through relationships

Discovers the true characteristics of the infant’s unique identity, through attention to the child’s behavior and character

Has an inability to regulate emotions.

5 。 Learns how to return to joy from every unpleasant emotion.

Provides enough safety and companionship during difficulties, so the infant can return to joy from any other emotion.

Has uncontrollable emotional outbursts, excessive worry and depression. Avoids, escapes or gets stuck in certain emotions.

Learn from God

Personal tasks

The Word of God Learning & Growing

1 。 Lives in joy. Expands the level of joy. Knows joy is constant.

Phil 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice

Neh 8:10 And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength

Because God loves me, I can come boldly to the Throne of grace. Rejoice in the Lord. I am strengthened in the Lord, so I can face difficulties and rejoice over them.

Learn from GodPrimary task Word of God Learning & Growing

2 。 Learn to trust

Heb.13:5 because

God has said,

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Heb 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Believe in God, establish intimacy with God, rid of self-centeredness, open up myself, willing to receive and to trust others.

3 。 Learn to receive

Jn 13 Jesus first washed the disciples feet

God first loved us, and died on the cross on our behalf. “Don’t be afraid, just believe”

Learn from GodPersonal tasks Word of God Learning & Growing

4 。 Establish self-identity through secure relationship.

II Cor5:17 if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! I Cor12:27 Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

I was born with a good purpose -Find and live out the purposes and uniqueness God created me for. Become member with other Christians, co-work with them.

5 。 Find joy in the midst of various unpleasant emotions.

Rm 8:35 、 37 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship…? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

No longer be defeated by adversities, difficulties or failures. Find strength in the love of God and live in peace and joy of the Lord.

Child Stage – Age 4 through 12

• Primary tasks ： Taking care of self

• Primary resulting problems: Not taking responsibility for self ：

–No capacity to own up emotions ，–Self centered ，–Lacking capacity to take account of other’s needs and feelings–Demand others to meet self’s need (self seeking) 。

Child Stage – Age 4 through 12Personal Task Community and


1.Asks for what is needed – can say what one thinks and feels

Teaches and allows child to appropriately articulate needs.

Experiences continual frustration and disappointment because needs are not met; is often passive-aggressive.

2. Learns what brings personal satisfaction.

Helps child to evaluate the consequences of own behaviors, and to identify what satisfies him or her.

Is obsessed with or addicted to food, drugs, sex, money, or power, in a desperate chase to find satisfaction.

Child Stage – Age 4 through 12


When the tasks fail

3. Develops enough persistence to do hard things

Challenges and encourages child to do difficult tasks the child does not feel like doing

Experience failure, remains stuck and undependable, is consumed with comfort and fantasy life.

4. Develops personal resources and talents.

Provides opportunities to develop the child’s unique talents and interests.

Fills life with unproductive activities, despite God-given abilities.

Child Stage – Age 4 through 12Personal tasks Community and


5.Knows self and takes responsibility to make self understandable to others

Guides in discovering the unique characteristics of the child’s heart

Fails ot develop true identity, conforms to outside influences that misshape identity.

6.Understands how he or she fits into history as well as the “big picture” of what life is about.

Educates the child about the family history as well as the history of the family of God

Feels disconnected from history and is unable to protect self from family lies or dysfunctions that are passed on.

Learn from GodPersonal tasks The Word of God Learning &

Growing

1.Speak up for one’s need, express ones’ thought and feelings

Phil 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God

I can tell God everything and all things. Learn to express my thought and feelings in small group

2. Develop persistence for hard tasks

Mk 5:36 Don’t be afraid, just believe.Phil 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

I can handle difficult situation, I dare to take up challenges with the Lord’s help.


growing

3. Develops personal resources and talents

(Rm 12:4~5, I Cor 12:4~6) We are members in Christ, each one has his own unique function.

With God-gifted talent and task, I can bring my talent into full play.

4. Knows self and takes responsibility to make self understandable to others.

(I Pet 2:9)Knows self identity(Eph 5:8-10) Live as children of light

I am honorable and respectable. Live out the glory of God. Play out my role as light and salt.


Growing

5. Understands how he/she fits into history as well as the “big picture” of what life is about

Heb 12:1we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses

Surrounded by spiritual giants who inspire us to press forward

6. Knows what brings personal satisfaction

Ps 16:9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,

The presence of God is my greatest satisfaction. your love is better than life.

Adult Stage: Age 13 to birth of 1st Child

• Primary task ： Taking care of two people simultaneously

• Primary resulting problems ：– Lacks interpersonal skill– Take/receive but not give– Selfish 。

Adult Stage: Age 13 to birth of 1st ChildPersonal tasks Community and


1.Cares for self and others simultaneously in mutually satisfying relationship

Provides the opportunity to participate in group life

Is self-centered, leaves other people dis-satisfied and frustrated.

2.Remains stable in difficult situations, and knows how to return self and others to joy.

Affirms that the young adult will make it through difficult times

Conforms to peer pressure, and participates in negative and destructive group activities.

Adult Stage: Age 13 to birth of 1st Child


When the tasks fail

3.Bonds with peers; develops group identity.

Provides positive environment and activities where peers can bond

Is a loner,, with tendencies to isolate; shows excessive self-importance.

4.Takes responsibility for how personal actions affect others, including protecting others from self

Teaches young adults that their behaviors impact others and impact history.

Is controlling, harmful, blaming, and unprotective to othhers.

Adult Stage: Age 13 to birth of 1st ChildPersonal tasks Community and


5.Contributes to the community; articulates “who we are”, as part of belonging to the community.

Provides opportunities to be involved in important community tasks

Does not becomes a life-giving contributor to the community, is self-absorbed and uses others – drains society.

6.Expresses the characteristics of his/her heart in a deepening personal style

Holds the person accountable, while still accepting and affirming the aspects of his/her true self.

Is driven to “play roles”, prove self to the world, get results, and seek approval.


Growing

1.Bond with peers; develops group identity.

Eph 4:15-16 joined and held together … each part does its work.

Phil 2:2 being like-minded, having the same love,

Be a friend, grows together, loves and supports one another.

2.Cares for self and others simultaneously in mutually satisfying relationships.

Eph 2:4 not looking to your own interests but to the interests of the others.

not looking to your own interests but to the interests of others.

Learn from GodPersonal tasks The Word of God My Learning 3.Take responsibility for how personal actions affect others, including protecting others from self

Rm14:12-13 So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother

Know each individual is accountable to God. Aside from giving an account of ourselves, we need to protect others from harm.

4.Remains stable in difficult situation, ,and knows how to return self and others to joy.

Phil 2:17-18;Even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all.18Likewise you also should be glad and rejoice with me.

I am content and joyful in all circumstances, and I invite other to rejoice with me.


Growing

5.Contributes to the community; articulate “who we are”, as part of belong to the community

Eph 4:11-12 So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up

Each individual is a part of the whole, while edifying others, develops self, so a God-glorifying “us” may be established.

6.Expresses the characteristics of his/her heart in a deepening personal style

Phil 3:14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus

We each has our unique mission, strive to live out the uniqueness and contribute to the community.

John 13 ： 3-4 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his

power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist.

We need to know the Truth and establish a secure selfIdentity in Christ. We choose to serve willingly, to sacrifice and to deny self. These are the steps toward maturity.

I John 4:18

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Love Bonds Fear Bonds

1. Based on love and characterized by truth, closeness, intimacy, joy, peace, perseverance and authentic giving.

Based on fear and characterized by pain, humiliation, desperation, shame, guilt, and/or fear of rejection, abandonment, or detrimental consequences.

2. Bond is desire driven. Bond is avoidance driven.

3. Love bonds grow stronger both when we move close and when we move farther away.

Fear Bonds only grow stronger by moving closer or by moving farther away.

4. We can share both positive and negative feelings. The bond is strengthened by this truthful sharing.

We cannot share both positive and negative feelings.

Love Bonds Fear Bonds

Based on love and characterized by ： 5. Participants on both ends of the bond benefit; the bond encourages all to act like themselves.

Based on fear and characterized by:Participants on only one end of the bond gain advantage, the bond actually inhibits people from acting like themselves.

6. Truth pervades te relationship

Deceit and pretending are required.

7. Love Bonds continually grow and mature people, equipping them to find their hearts.

Fear Bonds increasingly restrict and stunt growth keeping people from finding their hearts.

8. Love Bonds operated from the front of the brain, (the joy center), and govern “how do I act like myself”

Fear Bonds operated from the back of the brain, and govern “how do I get what I want?”

Pros and Cons ofthe Traditional Chinese Family

Education

Boston, 3-19-2011

Traditional Chinese Parenting

• Family’s academic concerns:

1. schoolwork always comes first because academic achievement reflects successful parenting.

2. an A-minus is a bad grade because we believe our children can be “the best” of the class and should be too.



3. If children did not excel at school, then there was “a problem” and parents “were not doing their job”.

4. if your child ever disagrees with a teacher or coach, you must always take the side of the teacher or coach.



5. Your children must be two years ahead of their classmates in math, never mind extra curriculum activities, like sports. Work hard to prove yourself. “Make sure you come in first so that you have something to humble about.”

6. Never compliment your children in public.



7. The only activities your children should be permitted to do are those in which they can eventually win a medal.

8. And that medal must be gold (#1 position)

9. Chinese parents spend about 10 times longer every day drilling their children’s academic activities.


• Family’s emotional concerns:

1. Choices? – What I say goes! Children do not question, disobey, or talk back to parents.

2. “Westerners believe in choices; the Chinese don’t.”



3. “It wasn’t always enjoyable for Sophia to have me as a mother.”

4. “In retrospect, these coaching suggestions seem a bit extreme. On the other hand, they were highly effective.”(p.28)



5. The performance-base love: tenacious practice, practice, practice produces a virtuous circle of achieving perfection (rote repetition).

6. Nothing is fun until you are good at it. “Never complain or make excuses.”



7. Terrified of parental disapproval: fear-bond relationship.

8. “Demand as much respect from children as parents did of me.” – family of origin and its influence on relationships.

Chinese Parenting in U.S.

• Two things over the western parenting:

1. higher dreams for their children

2. higher regards for their children in the sense of knowing how much they can take: tiger mother and lion father

Chinese immigrants’ mentality

The immigrant generation (like us) is the hardest working. Everything parents do and earn will go toward their children’s education and future so that they will achieve something parents hadn’t.


The next generation (like our children) will typically be high-achieving, play the piano and /or violin. They shoot for ivy-league schools, graduate with high expectations from their parents and ancestors. No academic failure will be allowed.


The next generation (like my grand-kids), born into the great comforts of the upper middle class, most like will head for the decline in America and bring shame to the ancestors, as some parents and grandparents fear. They breathe the American air and demand rights and freedom of expressions.

How then should we do?

• Parenting like Amy Chua: • “battle hymn”: Is family a combat zone? Is

parenting a battling game with your children?

• “the tiger mother”: Keep the good and drop the bad, but preserve the children’s integrity for God’s sake. How does a mother tiger train her cubs?

• “the lion father”: Sophia’s toast to her dad

Sobering thoughts

• Behind the achievements of compliant Sophia and willful Lulu, there is a high price the family paid.

• Amy threatened to burn Sophia’s stuffed animals during a trying rehearsal session.

• Amy’s battle with the strong-willed Lulu since birth. “You win,” she conceded to Lulu in Moscow at the end.

Cultural Clashes

• Western parents – try to respect their children’s individuality, encourage them to pursue their true passions and provide a nurturing environment

• Chinese parents – believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future and arming them with skills, strong work habits, and inner confidence via strict discipline

More to life than …

• “I often wonder what the lesson of her (Katrin) illness is. Given that life is so short and so fragile, surely each of us should be trying to get the most out of every breath, every fleeting moment. But what does it mean to live life to its fullest?”

• “We all have to die. But which way does that cut?”

The Relationship between

Emotional Health and

Spiritual Maturity

Boston, 3-19-2011

Colossians 3:8-10But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in

knowledge in the image of its Creator.

Feelings are Important indicators of Our True

Beliefs.

What “feelings” are saying

• God gave us feelings for very important and practical reasons

• Emotions are indicators of what we experientially believe.

• They do not necessarily indicate the truth, but they reveal our beliefs, true or false.

• Unless we allow our emotions to expose what we believe and cease trying to suppress and deny them, we are doomed never to change.

What “feelings” are saying

• If I feel emotion that is contrary to the truth, then something is wrong.

• This contrary emotion always is rooted in experiential lie-based thinking.

• The answer is not to try harder to believe, but rather to discover what runs contrary to His truth and find release from those lies that are producing negative emotion.

Know How Our Brain Works• There is a neurological process of

association continually provides input as to how to respond to a current situation based on our response to similar events in the past.

• Our brains automatically transfer the feelings stored in the memory of an original experience to this present moment.

• We tend to act out the way we feel.

Know How Our Brain Works

• This divinely designed mechanism serves us well when our experiences are truth-based. Then we are able to respond with the wisdom that we have learned and with the peace of Christ.

• However, when wrong emotions showed up, we know we need to change.

• THAT is the area for us to GROW on.

Multiple Belief Systems • Normal belief system: teaching, learning

reasoning can alter the error and change it to Truth.

• Trauma-associated memory belief system:– Can not be corrected through teaching and

learning alone.– Emotion and memory must be opened first

before Truth can change it.– Truth from the normal belief system can work

in helping a person’s willingness to open up.

Areas to Grow onAreas to Grow on

• Relationship with God, knowledge of God• Bible knowledge• Serving experience• Know my gifting and gift development• Renewed world view and value system• Interpersonal relationships – in marriage, with

children, relatives, co-workers, friends, ……• EQ

60

IMPORTANT ELEMENTSIMPORTANT ELEMENTS

• Grace and Truth - God the Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, and the Bible.

• Man’s choices - choose to believe/submit

• Relationships – true spiritual growth needs to happen in spiritual community and expressed in relationships.

• Time – grieve/failure/success/accidents/

create more learning opportunities.

61

Maturity Looks Like……Maturity Looks Like……

1. Respect and love people for who they are, not for how they benefit me.

2. Is not judgmental and critical.

3. Do not expect perfection in others to satisfy my personal need.

4. Is responsible for own thoughts, feelings, goals, and action.

5. Does not fall into the victim mind-set under pressure.

62

Maturity Looks Like……Maturity Looks Like……

6. Is able to express my value and belief to those who disagree with me without becoming defensive.

7. Is able to assess my own limitations, strength, and weaknesses. Able to freely talk about it with others.

8. Is in touch with own emotions and feelings, able to enter into other people’s emotional world, and understand their needs.

9. Live in firm knowledge of God’s love for me. Do not need to prove myself to others.

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STEPS OF GROWTHSTEPS OF GROWTH

• Detect problems/lies/wrong beliefs

• Choose to face/admit/bring wrong beliefs to God.

• Receive/Learn Truth to replace the lie

• Submit and live out the Truth64

HOW TO ENTER INTO SPIRITUAL HOW TO ENTER INTO SPIRITUAL POVERTYPOVERTY

1. Examine the problems beneath the surface

2. Break away from the influence of past

3. Live in brokenness and weakness

4. Accept the gift of limitation

5. Accept grief and loss

6. Love one another following the model of “ the Word becomes flash”

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FUNDATION FOR GROWTHFUNDATION FOR GROWTH

1. We are members of His household. (Eph 2:19)2. We are valuable in His sight. (Romans 8:32)3. We are more than conquerors through Him who

loved us. (Romans 3:37)4. We are loved unconditionally. (Romans 5:8)5. We have eternal security. (Heb 13:5)6. I will do great things. (John 14:12)7. God will lead me. (Ps 23)

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EXAMINE PROBLEMS BENEATH THE SURFACE

1. God gave us the gospel and created a safe environment for us. I have courage to take a look at problems beneath the surface.

2. I am loved by God, I do not have to fear failures.

3. I am able to share my weakness and my problems.

4. Shed the need for veneered image.– No need to win people’s approval for self-worth.– No need to live in fakeness to hide problem.

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BREAK AWAY FROM THE INFLUENCE OF PAST

1. Understand how my family of origin shaped me.

2. Identify important influences in my life.– Culture, society, major events, ……

3. Allow the spiritual family to nurture and re-shape me.

I am who I am because of my past. God can use it to make me a special blessing to others.

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LIVE IN BROKENNESS AND WEAKNESS

1. Accept my powerlessness and submit to God, do not run away or hide.

2. Accept my weakness as a gift. God do not have to remove it. Instead, He could use it for His glory.

3. Be a cracked vessel. Admit my true situation is a key to change.

– Like the prodigal son: I am poor

– Like the prodigal son’s father: to embrace, accept, forgive and love.

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ACCEPT THE GIFT OF LIMITATION

1. Jesus entered into the limitation of being a human. The Holy Spirit lives in us and is limited by us.

2. One of the devils temptation is to get us to cross the boundaries set by God.

3. Learn to know my limitations– Seasons of life, time, physical and emotional

strength ..….4. Honest to my true self.5. Know that God can work in our limitations.

– Trust in God’s power and goodness. – Willing to stay within my limitation.

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ACCEPT GRIEF AND LOSS

1. Through suffering I mature– Through my tears I saw a suffering God– Allow myself to feel the loss, I then can have true

compassion to others.2. Three stages of loss:

– Feel the pain– Allow the pain to take its course - from cross to

Pentecost. – Allow the new to grow from the old. Grief is the

pathway to mercy.

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LOVE ONE ANOTHER FOLLOWING THE MODEL OF “ THE WORD BECOMES FLESH”

1. God entered into our world, and forever changed it.

2. Characteristics of “the Word becomes flesh”.

– Enter into their world: Listening is the first step of love.

– True to self and Bible principles– Move between two worlds: theirs and God’s. The

sign of the work of the Holy Spirit is “supernatural love” instead of just gifting and the result.

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NO SHORTCUT TO SPIRITUAL MATURITY

1. Desire God, desire Holiness.

2. Humbly admit my limitation and weakness.

3. Face my sin and wrong emotions.

4. Confess sins and submit to the Truth.

5. Live in spiritual community.

6. Discipline and action.

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Documents

Journey to Emotional Maturity Boston, 3-19-2011. Family is the first school for emotional learning （ Daniel Goleman ）