Journey of Mourningclickshow

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THE JOURNEY OFMOURNING

Christine Hodgson MSW, CSW and Pippa Hall MD, CCFP

Illustrated by Mona Lyne Moisan



THE JOURNEY OFMOURNING

Christine Hodgson MSW, CSW and Pippa Hall

MD, CCFC

Illustrated by Mona Lyne Moisan

Copyright © 1999 by Christine Hodgson, Pippa Hall, Institute of Palliative Care -

University of Ottawa.

We would like to acknowledge the collaboration of Anne Bertrand,

who helped to bring our stories to life.

Aussi disponible en français.





We start a journey of mourning, an uncharted voyage. The path isunknown, and is strewn with unexpected obstacles. We do not moveforward steadily, and at times we seem to be going backwards andmeeting the same obstacle again and again.

THE JOURNEY AND ITS CHALLENGES



THE FENCE

The fence is the reality that we must face. The person has died, and isgone from our physical world.



THE RIVER

The river of pain crosses our path. It is wide, deep and so frighteningthat at times we want to turn around and go back. But we cannot,because eventually it will wind around to cross our path again in thefuture. There is no bridge over this river, we have to go through it.



THE UNFAMILIAR PATH

It seems that this path should be familiar, but it is not. The tall tree thatused to stand beside the path, giving shelter and shade, has now fallenacross it. The way is blocked and must be re-negotiated.



THE GATE

The gate is the way through to a new relationship with the deceased. Wecan move on.



THE TRAVELLER AND THE DIFFICULTIES

We each have our own journey of mourning to travel. Some of us willhave more difficulty than others, and will get stuck along the way. Wemay need help in continuing our journey.



ABSENT MOURNING

Sam has so many bags that he doesn’t know how to get started. He cannotcarry them all at once. Sam was adopted at the age of five, but was neverallowed to mourn the loss of his birth family. His grief was notacknowledged, and this has inhibited his ability to mourn all subsequentlosses. He has shown little reaction to the death of his wife, although theywere married over 50 years.



Sam gets help in understanding why he cannot mourn for his wife. Hefinally gets the recognition and validation that he needs for all his losses,and realizes that he must pick up one bag at a time. He can start his

journey, knowing that he will have to come back later for the other bags.



DELAYED MOURNING

Larry has crossed over the fence, but he cannot continue his journeyright now. His bags are just too heavy. Since his wife died, he has beencaring for their three sons, ages 18, 14 and 10 years.



Larry allows someone else to carry a couple of his bags for him whichlightens his load. He is able to negotiate a more flexible work schedulefor himself, and to encourage his sons’ involvement in communityactivities. He can move again.



DELAYED MOURNING

Pat has also crossed over the fence and thinks her journey is over. Herhusband died after a very conflicted relationship and she feels an initialsense of freedom and relief. She can go on with her life, leaving herbags behind her. Suddenly, she finds herself in the middle of the river,and out of her depth.



Pat needs a helping hand to pull her back to a resting place. She canthen be shown how to cross the river more slowly and safely. Hersadness for all the unfulfilled hopes in her marriage makes up a heavybag. This too must be acknowledged and unpacked if it is not to drag herunder.



MASKED MOURNING

Mary is holding her bags up in front of her and cannot see where she isgoing. She is actually on the wrong path. She has been seen by severaldoctors since her husband died 5 years ago, and she is taking anincreasing number of medications, but her health problems continue.



Mary meets someone who helps her to unpack her bags and to see what isreally in them. This person realizes that Mary’s health problems haveintensified since the death of her husband, who was a doctor. In thecourse of a somewhat unhappy relationship, Mary learned that physicalillness was a way of engaging her husband’s attention, throughmedication, and this is how she has continued to express her sadness andloneliness.

She now learns that her feelings are valid in their own right, and do notnecessarily need medical intervention. She is guided to the right pathwhere other supports are available.





Tony meets someone who helps him to unpack his big case, and to dividethe contents into two smaller ones. Through looking at his marriagemore realistically, and through rituals that allow self-forgiveness, heunloads some of his guilt. He can then pick up another bag, containinghis sadness, which balances him on the path.



CHRONIC MOURNING

Louis cannot put down his bags. He cannot open the gate, and continuesto wander the path. His partner, Rick, died 4 years ago.

Louis could not face his colleagues at work, quit his job, and now relieson social assistance. He is becoming increasingly isolated, working on anongoing memorial to Rick.



Louis meets someone who opens the gate for him and helps him to lookthrough. Is he ready to learn how to live in this new world, where thememories and wisdom of Rick will be part of a new identity for him?



THE JOURNEY CONTINUES

When we do pass through the gate, we move on. Our burden is lighter,but we still carry a small backpack. We always know that it is there, butit is manageable.

Our journey continues. There is no definitive end. We and our world arechanged forever.



The theoretical framework forthis booklet is drawn from the

work of Therese Rando, WilliamWorden, Alan Wolfelt, Phyllis

Silverman, Thomas Attig and otherexperts in the field ofbereavement.

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