Jokes retold-2011

8/7/2019 Jokes retold-2011

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This issue is preparedexclusively by the students

of Group 34-Hand devoted to the

All Fools Day(International Day of Humor)

Here we start from some editorials:

Jokes retold by SemenKyselyov


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Jokes retold by Alina Ptushkina

Economize

Son: Dad, would you like to save some money?

Father: I certainly would, son. Any suggestions?

Son: Sure. Why not buy me a bike? Then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

A Woman's Prayer:

I pray for :

Wisdom, to understand a man.

Love, to forgive him, andPatience, for his moods.

Because if I pray for Strength

I'll just beat him to death.

COMMAS?

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down

and orders a sandwich. He eats the

sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the

waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go,

the manager shouts, Hey! Where are you

going? You just shot my waiter and you

didnt pay for your sandwich! The panda

yells back at the manager, Hey man, I m a

PANDA! Look it up! The manager opens

his dictionary and

sees the

following

definition for panda: A tree dwelling mammal of

Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. EATS

SHOOTS AND LEAVES.


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Jokes retold by Alina Ptushkina

WHY?

Man: "God, why did You make woman so beautiful?"

God: "So you would love her."

Man: "But God, why did You make her so dumb?"

God: "So she would love you."

REVELATION

A teacher was observing her classroom of childrenwhile they were drawing. She walked around to lookat the artwork.As she got to one little girl who was workingdiligently, she asked what the drawing was.The girl replied, Imdrawing God.The teacher paused and

said, But no one knowswhat God looks like.Without missing a beat, or looking up from herdrawing the girl replied, They will in a minute.

Cultural Shock

(Retold by Julia Ptushkina)

I'll never understand Indians. Afew minutes ago they weresinging and dancing...


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More jokes retold by Julia Ptushkina

GOD IS WATCHINGThe children were lined up in the cafeteria of aCatholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of thetable was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note,and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God iswatching."

Moving further along thelunch line, at the otherend of the table was alarge pile of chocolate chipcookies. One childwhispered to another,"Take all you want. God is

watching the apples."

WHEN GOD CREATED WOMANIn the beginning, God created the earth and rested.Then God created Man and rested.Then God created Woman. Since then, neither Godnor Man has rested.

ARMY COMPUTER

Trying out a new army computer, an officer typed in aquestion: "How far is it from the mess room to thesentry box?"

The computer replied: "Six hundred."The officer typed: "Six hundred WHAT?"The computer replied: "Six hundred, SIR!"

Take only one. God is

watching.

Six hundredWHAT?


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JJ Jokes retold by Yaroslav Pannochka Joke

sJokes retold by Alyona Skrypka

NavigationThe teacher of the earth science class was lecturing

on map reading. After explaining about latitude,longitude,degrees andminutes theteacher asked,"Suppose Iasked you tomeet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4minutes north latitude and 45 degrees,15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voicevolunteered, "I guess you'd be eatingalone."

If we stand around here long enough,

one of them will throw some food at us.


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More jokes retold by Alyona Skrypka

Dolce VitaAn English teacher asked her class to write anessay on what they'd do if they had amillion dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet ofpaper. "Alec!" yelled the teacher, "you'vedone nothing. Why?""Because if I had a million dollars, that's

exactly what I would do!"

JusticeHarry: Teacher would you punish me for something Ihaven't done?

Teacher: Of course not!Harry: Good because I haven't done my homework.

Jokes retold by Jeanne Dovbyk

Mirror of TruthA blonde, a brunette, and a red head all went to anantique store and saw a beautiful old mirror.The lady working at the store said, "This is a

magic mirror. You must say something true. And ifit's true, your wish will come true. If it's not true,you will disappear."

The blonde, red head and brunette decided tobuy the mirror, and brought it home with them.First the red head walked up to the mirror andsaid, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in theworld." Poof, she vanished. Then the brunettewalked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the

smartest girl in the world." Poof, shedisappeared. Then the blonde walked up to themirror and said, "I think ... " Then Poof, she disappeared.

InvestigatorA blonde walks into the police departmentlooking for a job. The officer wants to ask her afew questions.... Officer: What's 2+2? Blonde:Ummmmm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of100? Blonde: Ummmm... 10! Officer: Good! Now,who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm... I

dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and thinkabout it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goeshome and calls up one of her friends, who asks


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her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job,I'm already working on a murder case!"

And some more about blondes (from the editor):

Is this the thirdturn left, officer?


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Just some more cartoons from the editorial files:

These cartoons come from Ilona Chaikovskas collection


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Jokes

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Jokes retold-2011