Jimmy the Bartender

8/8/2019 Jimmy the Bartender

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I accidentally called my girlfriend by a different name when we were inbed. What can I do to fix this?

Nothing. I wish I could help, but you can't call Mona "Nicole" right asyou're swinging your 9-iron and then expect to fix the situation. You

can't take it back. No refunds, no exchanges, no 30-day trial period. Nomatter how cool she is, she'll always consider you damagedmerchandise. Sooner or later, she's going to shop somewhere else.

Everyone in my office works late. I feel guilty when I leave at theregular time. I get all my work done, but do you think I'm hurting howmy bosses see me?

Depends on your boss. Some bosses value face time, and some valuegood work. Some value both. My take: If you're able to, there's nothingwrong with sucking it up and staying late once in a while. It's part of

the corporate life in many places, and it sends subconscious signalsthat will influence your bosses. Let them know you finished one thingand are looking to help out on something else. However you play it, aslong as you're not a clock-watching knucklehead who's resented byyour bosses and peers, you'll ultimately be rewarded for how well youproduce. Good work always trumps long nights.

My buddy's girl is friendly when he's around, but snobby when he'snot. do I tell him?

Right about now, you remind me of the 3-year-old who whistle-blows

every time he sees a playground rule violation. I can see how herattitude bugs you, but you don't have to be the town crier just becauseshe clams up when he's away. You can squeal about things thatprofoundly affect your friend's relationship with his girlfriend -- notyour relationship with her.

My boss praises me in private, but in meetings he expresses doubtsabout my work. Should I be worried?

Affirmative, Ron-O. Good bosses protect and pump up their employeesin public, and coach and criticize them in private. Maybe you're a

threat to him. Or maybe he can't be honest face-to-face. My advice?Move out from under this guy's thumb. Bosses like these suck credit,shred trust, and make life a string of disappointments. Whether youswitch to a new department or a whole new gig, it's time to make amove.

My bachelor party is coming up. Where's the line when it comes tostrippers?


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Get it together, Mack. You either want to spend the rest of your lifewith your fiance or you don't. If you do, then you know where the lineis--about 3 inches from Pixie's unnaturally large bosom. If you don't,then go crazy, my friend. But call your girl first and break off theengagement.

My friend is getting ready to pop the question to a girl he's been datingfor just 6 months. He says he wants my honest opinion. I think it's amistake. Do I tell him?

I can think of a million bad times for you to tell your friend you don'tlike his lady: when he first meets her, when he's watching her walktoward him down the aisle, when he's handing out cigars after his firstkid is born. But Alex, my man, your friend is asking for your opinion atthe perfect moment: when there's still plenty of time for him to figureout what to do with the relationship. If now's not the best time to speak

up, I don't know when will be

My girlfriend's brothers are giving me the serious cold shoulder. What'sthe best way to win them over?

In this place, I see a lot of guys who make bad impressions (barking"barkeep" at me while motioning me to fetch their drinks, like I'm somekind of monkey). But I also see guys who make good impressions(remembering that I'm a working stiff who appreciates the nicer-than-usual tip every once in a while). So, without looking like a total tool,just make a nice gesture or two to seal a good feeling. Buy a round (or

three) of beers, schedule a round of golf, or just do something that tipsthem off that you're a good guy with good intentions and that youwon't be treating their sis with any disrespect. Because if you do that,the only thing that'll happen is that they're going to go a few roundswith you. My wife and I are both transitioning to new careers, andmoney is tight.

This woman I've been dating casually was just hired by my company.I'm not her supervisor, but should I be wary of mixing business withpleasure?

There are rules when you walk into my tavern: Remove your hat, takea joke, and tip your bartender. Where do I stand on love in theworkplace? As long as you both know the ground rules and can indulgeresponsibly, then I think you're well within your rights to order anothershot.

I'm really into this woman, but it seems my buddy is making his move,too. What's my play?


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I know guys talk about their relationships about as much as footballcoaches discuss tea flavors. But here's a case where you need tohuddle up soon. Youre better off letting him know your intentionsrather than hoping nothing happens between the two of them. Thisway, at least you'll give him a respectful chance to take himself out of

the game.

When I'm at the urinal at work and a colleague parks next to me andstarts chatting, should I make eye contact or avoid looking at him andtalk?

You don't make eye contact when you're driving and talking, do you?Didn't think so. Side-by-side ruleswhether you're on the road, in thestands, or at the urinaldictate the body language. Eyes ahead, justlike when you aim a pistol.

I play golf with a neighbor who always beats me by a few strokes.That I can handle. What I really can't stand is all his talk about howgreat he is. What's my play?

Sounds like this shot calls for a 9-iron. To the shin. Kidding, Blake.You're a bigger man for playing it cool even when he doesn't.If you can't beat him on the links, then get him out on the court, on arun, anywhere into your athletic domain. It wont change his ego, butat least you can knock a few strokes off it.

I've been dating my girlfriend for more than a year, and her family

asks loaded questions about our future together. How do I handlethem?

Play nice. It's important that they approve of you, even if she's just asmiffed by their hounding of you as you are. Next time they rib you,laugh along and toss out an innocuous line like, "We're happy, thingsare great, your daughter's the best." Then when you get home, tellyour girlfriend that shes the one who ought to tell them to lay off thebridal banter. Because the only thing the family is accomplishing bypushing you for an answer is pushing you away

Whenever the higher-ups praise my department for a project welldone, my boss takes all the kudos himself. How can I stand up formyself?

Reminds me of two guys who used to come in here. One guy, totalclown. His sidekick? He laughed along but got about as much attentionas a vegan vendor at a football game. One night, the two are talking toa group of women, and one of the women brings up something about


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music. Thats when the sidekick rattles off 5 insightful minutes on thehistory of rock 'n' roll. Had the girls in the palm of his hand with thatlittle flash of intellect, I tell you. A lot of bosses don't like to share thespotlight, so you should do what this sidekick did: Say the right thing atthe right time with the right people watching, and it'll be the right

move.

My ex invited me to be her platonic date at her uncle's wedding. Iagreed and bought a plane ticket, but now I'm having secondthoughts. Is it a bad idea that I'm going along?

Its fine by me. The weekend has two possible outcomes: You'll get thechance to meet and mingle with single ladies looking for love (a win)while you stay platonic with your ex and have a few good drinks (also awin). The less likely scenario (since your ex's intention is for this dateto be platonic) is that you'll end up back with herwhether for a night

or for the long haul. Only you can decide if that's a win or a loss.

When I asked my girlfriend to marry me, she said, "I don't know." Howwill I know when it's time to try again?

If you try again, Jason, I will personally fly to Bishopville, knock on yourdoor, grab you by the shirt, and ask you what the devil you're doing.God love you for loving this girl, but she gives you a ho-hum responseto a proposal and you want to ask again? Most men would've ditchedher by now. You served the ball. If you want to wait for her to return it,fine. But do yourself a favor: Don't risk double-faulting.

My girlfriend's mother likes me enough, but she still adores herdaughter's ex. How can I win her over?

Other night, this group comes in to celebrate a promotion. The guywho looks like the boss orders three bottles of champagne. You canguess what happens when you put together some champagne and abunch of after-work drunks: The glasses and the guys start bubblingover. Craig, my man, you have to bubble over. You may have thepersonality of plywood, but when you see her mom, ask about herbook club or the picture of her own mom in the living room or what she

sees as the big issues in '08. You need to engage her without simplypandering to her. The best way to prove you're worthy of the princessis to show you're comfortable and confident in the presence of thequeen.

I have the job, the house, and the dog, but my wife hounds me that Ineed to mature in my music tastes. Do I really need to grow up mytunes?


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If you were still collecting Hot Wheels, I'd tell you to grow up. I'd saythe same if you were regularly drinking strawberry milk, or TiVo-ingNickelodeon. But man, this is your soul. Whether you're moved by thehard stuff or fluffy pop, I don't care. But changing your tunes becauseyour wife thinks they don't fit your image? I wouldn't tell you to grow

up. I'd tell you to grow something else

My fiance comes from dough. I always feel like I need to impress herfamily. How can I shake this insecurity?

Gin goes with tonic. Jack goes with Coke. Kahla goes with cream. Justbecause they aren't the same liquid doesn't mean they can'tcomplement each other, Barry. So stop pitying yourself and show yourcharm, your humor, or whatever it was that attracted your fiance toyou. You don't have to be top-shelf booze in order to mix well with it.

I'm 39, she's 24. We're crazy in love. When am I officially robbing thecradle?

You do the math, Drew. You're smart enough to know whether she cankeep up with your grunge-rock references, and she'll know whetheryou're spry enough to keep pace with her youthful vigor. "Robbing thecradle" is more about emotional age than any sort of chronologicaldivide here. Convince her parents of that and you'll have it made.

My wife loves rock climbing and spends a lot of time with climbers whoare men. Our relationship is great, but I stay at home while she's out

with these guys. Am I being made a fool of?

I've got to give you credit. You're more secure than a CIA phone line. Iknow it's you -- and not your wife -- who's stuck between a rock and ahard place here. From the sound of it, your wife's not doing drunkenkaraoke or naked water polo with these guys. So she's probably notsharing anything else, other than her passion, with people who havethe same kind of passion. The fact that you're cool about it meansyou're a good guy. But I guarantee you this: If you try to take thispassion away from her, she'll slowly take away her passion for you.

My boss's daughter is a knockout. I'd like to ask her out, but I don'twant to mess things up at work.

Your situation is stickier than the floor I'm standing on. First, you needto decide whether this girl is truly someone you want to pursue. Afterall, even if your intentions are pure, you're going to catch a lot of flakfrom coworkers. And if things go sour, it's going to screw things up realbad with your boss. If you decide her companionship is worth it, be up


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front with everyone: no games, no lies, no nonsense. Treat it like abusiness deal--at least when you're in the office.

I'm the only young guy in an office full of women. How do I relate?

Do what I do, Chris. Realize that, no matter how many Bellinis orcosmopolitans they may order, women have a lot more going on thanwhat you've caught on Sex and the City. Mine the vast commonground that sits between lipstick and jockstraps. Instant conversationstarters: last night's episode of Lost, American Idol, or any othergender-neutral TV show; reviews of local Thai restaurants; weekendplans.

I have no problem meeting women in bars, But that's where thingsend. . . . What gives?

Could be that you're like a lot of guys I see around here, Tyler,strutting around, thinking a drink and a smile is all it takes to turn awoman on. Now, I'm no Romeo, but seems to me women want a spark,not just a free mimosa. So if you're set on trolling the local wateringhole (and not a more civilized place), change your approach. Try anintroduction that doesn't include the words "Can I buy you a drink?"Love at first sight shouldn't involve beer goggles.

My buddy just got promoted and he's relishing his role as my newboss. His authority grates on me. What's my move?

He's now your boss first and your friend second. I also wouldn't besurprised if you're supersensitive to the fact that he now has the upperhand in the relationship. But as long as he's not unfairly dumping onyou, ride it out. In a few months, he'll settle into the setup. If he's usinghis power unwisely, though, save confrontations for social settings:Straight talk over a beer will always go over better than a full frontalassault at the office.

I met a great girl, and we're making long-term plans. But she's 10years younger than me. How can I make sure my buddies don't thinkless of me?

Think less of you? They'll be jealous that you even have a shot with awoman who was in preschool when you were in driver's ed. Save yourenergy for impressing her parents. Most guys will try to wow them withtheir worldly ways and wisdom: "Don't worry, sir, your daughter's safewith me"--that kind of thing. It was charming when you were 16, butnow it makes you seem like a creepy old guy who's getting off on hergood looks and tight buns. Instead, play it cool: She's in the driver's


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seat, she's self- assured, and she's smart enough to have picked theright man.

I met a great girl this weekend, but rumor has it her ex-boyfriend isnamed Killer, and, well, he'll be getting out of rehab soon. I'm wary of

her. What kind of girl has an ex like that?

What kind of an ex do you want her to have? An all-American jockwho'll always make you feel inferior? A rich dude who used to take herplaces? Point is, thinking too much about her ex is a no-win situation.Sure, old boyfriends haunt her like a bad credit report. And I guess it'sokay for you to judge her that way--as long as it's cool if she does thesame to you.

A guy at my office won't shut up. He fills me in on every departmentcontroversy, and tells me about his kid's allergies and his wife's

sorority days. How do I get him to leave me alone?

If the usual suspects--closed doors, fake phone calls, reminders oflooming deadlines--haven't slowed him down, then you have to finessehim out of your space. The masters of this technique? Women at barswho politely fend off unwanted conversationalists. From where I stand,you'd be amazed at what kind of signals you can send with some goodbody language. Next time he comes in, keep your fingers and bodyfixed on your computer and slightly crane your neck to acknowledgehim. If you don't give him an opening, he's going to have a hard timemaking his move.

My girlfriend's college flame tracked her down to meet for drinks and"catch up." She's excited to see him. I'm freaking out. What's mymove?

Early in my career, I worked in a few of those meat markets with clubsecurity standing on crates at every corner. A few fights would breakout, but not many, because these steel-necked dudes had quite thepresence. The reason they were effective? They hovered. That's yourplay, Kenny. Hover--but not physically. Since she told you about him,you don't need to freak out. But after they meet, ask about him, talk

about him, and admit you're not cool with this being a long-term deal.If you show the maturity to give her space, then a dash of jealousy willmake her feel good.

My bro always brings over foul swill, thinking he's doing me a favor.How do I tell him I'll find my own beer?


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Do what you always do when you want to make a point to yourbrother. Ride him like a city bus. Tease the guy for bringing puddlewater into your house. Do it with a laugh and a punch in the shoulder,and then offer him a taste of the good stuff. It's cool and all that he'sbringing you beer, but you'll be doing him a favor by showing him that

if it doesn't taste great, there'll be less swilling.

I've got it bad for my best friend's girl, and I think the feeling is mutual.How can I make sure I don't screw this one up?

If you think the two of you have a shot at making it work, then let theother relationship run its course and then some. Until your buddy hashad time to cry in his beer and move on, maybe even find a new ladyof his own, your mission is simple: Zip it. Your mouth, as well as yourpants.

My girl is a first-class hottie. Problem is, every time we go out, guys hiton her like I'm not even there. How should I respond?

Son, turn around so I can pat your back. I'm sorry to say that part ofwinning the heart of a whiplash-causing woman is dealing with jealousguys. They'll make a move anytime, anywhere, on any woman,including yours. Still, there's no need to pick fights with everyone whogives her a long look or a compliment. Instead of being confrontational,be conversational. Chat the guy up and deflect attention from her toyou, or even to him. That way, he'll know--consciously or not--that theroad to her is directly through you. While you're at it, Ray, mind

bringing her in for a drink sometime?

burned some major bridges with my girl's family after I was caughtcheating. We're back together, and I'm about to pop the question. Howcan I convince her father that I'm the right man for his daughter?

There's not much you can do to convince Pops that you're anything buta hurtful, two-timing goon. All you can do is what slumping athletesdo--keep plugging away, hoping you do enough good things to makethe skeptics stop booing you.

My boss keeps making promises, then sliding on them. It's small stuff,so I'd look petty if I complained. How can I tie him down?

Couple years back, I was working at a place that had a younger crowd,so we'd get a fight in there every now and then. One night there werethree guys, friends I guess, standing by the bar, and another guystarted in on one of them. They started throwing, and only one of thetwo friends jumped in. The other guy? He just froze--couldn't decide


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whether to fight or go take a leak. I'm not big on these fights (after all,who has to clean up the joint?), but, man, you can't freeze up. Youeither jump in, or get out and find another bar.

I have three extra tickets to a huge basketball game, and four

buddies. What do I do?

Don't try to overlogic this one with a "Bob painted my house" or "Jeffand I knew each other first" kind of thing. Do that and you're cruisingfor a seat at the end of the friendship bench when this is all over. Mystrategy: Pick coins, do rock/paper/scissors, whatever. In this game, it'sbest to rely on the laws of luck

I just uncovered some disparaging info on my brother's fiance. ShouldI tell him?

You know what they say about blood--it's thicker than a pint ofGuinness. But let's be clear you know the difference between info andevidence. It's a huge accusation to say your bro's fiance is depositingher checks in another bank, so make sure your case is tight. If it is,then lay it on him. So what if he takes it out on you at first? It's betteryou get floored now than he gets floored later

I've got buddies all over the country who I don?t keep in touch with.But I'll be traveling soon and want to crash at their places. Think that'sokay?

When a guy bonds over a beer and ball, even if it was 2 decades ago,he doesn't need to keep in touch like some seventh-grade pen pal. Pickup the phone, say you're in town, and you'll be over at his place by thestart of the second quarter.

My girlfriend knows that I bought her an engagement ring, and eversince, she's been acting bitchy. Is she going to say no?Other night, taking the subway home, I'm waiting on the platform. I'mwaiting, and waiting. Half an hour, then 40 minutes, and I think, Icould've walked home by this time. Was I annoyed? Yes. But I alsoknew that it was a mistake to leave, because I knew it was going to

come eventually, and I really wanted to ride that train. I think yourgirlfriend feels the same way. Women are gentle creatures. I think ifshe were going to say no, she would've left by now to spare you someembarrassment. My guess is that she's just antsy. She wants you topull up, open the doors, and invite her along for a great ride.

A friend did some work on my house that totally sucks. How can Imake sure I get my money's worth without losing a friend?


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Whose fault is this? Yours, for hiring a friend to do work better done bya stranger.What's worth keeping: his friendship, or the money it would take tohave the job done right? In my mind, if you tell him he's a shoddyroofer and expect him to do the job again at no charge, you've just

made mistake number two.

One of the higher-ups in the company talks trash about my boss whenwe're drinking. He also says great things about my future. Is there anyway to play both sides?

Ever watch a baseball brawl? There are the guys who run out and jumpon top of the pile, and there are the guys who stay on the fringes andbear-hug each other. Just because others are office-brawling doesn'tmean you need to jump in. This higher-up may be baiting you, but I tellya, nothing is more reassuring to a boss than a guy who's able to stay

cool, respectful, and loyal, even when it's tempting not to. Keepyourself in good standing by accepting the compliments withoutthrowing any punches.

A "friend" recently messed around with my girl. Another so-calledfriend still hangs out with him, despite his treachery. Doesn't thatviolate the guy code?

Sure does. But don't assume he has Section 4, Clause 17 memorized. Ifhe's a friend worth keeping, show him the line and tell him it's time topick sides.

So, this girl is plowed--by no fault of my own--and has no girlfriendsalong to help her home. How do I get her there safely without seeminglike an opportunistic perv?

There's nothing uglier than watching a blotto-faced woman try to find acab, let alone navigate a four-story walk-up. If you know this girl, thencarry her, hold her up, do whatever your biceps can handle, and gether into her place. Then let her roommates take over. Now, if you justmet her five drinks ago and she's too far gone to tell you where shelives, then take her to your place and set her up on the couch. She

may not remember that nothing happened. The important thing is thatnot only did you keep your paws to yourself, but you also preventedscummier guys from doing the opposite.

A female friend is all over me when we drink. is there somethingthere?


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Our most popular drink here at the bar? Liquid truth serum. Yourfriend's fingers tell me this: She's probably fantasized about thepossibility of wrinkling sheets with you. But it'll take a shot of sobrietyto find out what she really wants.

My girl and her male coworker have a tight relationship, full of insidejokes and flirting. Whenever we're together, I feel out of the loop. Howdo I cope?

As long as nothing's going on (you're sure about this, right?), keep yourdistance. If you show you're man enough to respect her individualloops, then she has no choice but to do the same for you. And as longas you're going home with her, that other guy shouldn't bother you.

There's this jealous guy at the office who's chipping away at myreputation. I can't let him get away with it. How can I fight back?

There was this dude who used to play minor-league hockey -- bigbeard, total goon. He was always ramming his glove under guys' chins,riding his stick in between their legs. Sometimes he got away with it,and sometimes he got clobbered. It may seem like you have only twochoices -- skate away or drop the gloves. But either of those extremespresents its own set of problems. My thoughts: Careers are a contactsport, and if you feel like you're getting face rubs and nobody's callinga penalty, well, there's nothing wrong with returning the favor.

My boss comes down on me any time I don't have a spreadsheet on

my desk. How can I explain that I need breaks for my sanity andproductivity?

Yeah, that's good -- explain how stealing from the company helps thebottom line. Look, if you need to recharge, find a way other than goingto YouTube for a chuckle. Walk to the john, go down the hall for animpromptu brainstorm in someone else's office, hell, take a walkaround the building. I never worked a desk job before, but I do knowthat sitting at your desk doing nothing, no matter why you're doing it,only looks like one thing: like you're sitting at your desk doing nothing.

I try to be completely open with my girl, but I have a few skeletons inmy closet that I don't want to let out. Is it okay to keep secrets fromthe one you love?

I'm all for showing what's in your closet, but just because you'recommitted to this girl doesn't mean you give up the right to keep a fewlocked boxes on the back of the top shelf. Tape 'em shut: You'll resistthe temptation to stroll down memory lane, and she'll get the point.


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My girlfriend has 2 hours of late-night talk time to my best friend onher cell bill. She says it's all about me. What's your take?

My take is that you're being taken--for a ride, and for a fool. Sure, theycould have been talking about where to set up the Tilt-a-Whirl for your

birthday. But nobody makes small talk at 3 a.m. If they're burning themidnight oil, it's time for you to burn a couple of bridges.

How can I tell my best friend I want to watch the game with himwithout his girlfriend? She thinks she's a tomboy, but things are justdifferent when she's around.

Send an e-mail invite before the next game. The subject line: "Guys'night." It's not your job to tiptoe around what his girlfriend thinks. It'shis.

This is huge, Jim. My wife just had a baby, and I'm pretty sure it's notmine. How do I bring this up without going Maury Povich on her?

If you wonder out loud if the baby's not yours and you're wrong, you'vejust committed the deadliest of fatherhood fouls. Instead, you need tofind evidence of the affair first. I don't care how you do it--a privateinvestigator, credit-card bill, whatever. Get that, then it's not such a farstretch to bring up the idea that maybe another guy should be ponyingup some cash for the diaper bills. Whether she confirms or denies,you'd be well within your rights to get hard science to confirm whatyou already kind of know.

After 5 years of a happy second marriage to a wonderful woman, Isuddenly have a desire to contact my ex-wife. Help

A while back, I was on the other side of town. Turned a corner and Ifound myself right in front of the place I worked, what, maybe 30 yearsago. Man, that was weird. In a split second, my mind could see all thefaces, hear the music, smell the beer. Almost like I wished I were backthere behind the bar. So I walked in, and that's when it hit me--howmuch of a pit that joint really was. Take a second to remember thegood times, but don't open the door to your ex-wife. Keep walking,

John, keep walking.

The girl I'm dating is playing hard to get. How can I win her over?

Back here behind the bar, you know the guys I hate? The ones wavingme down, yelling "yo," acting like a football coach trying to get theref's attention. I make 'em wait. The guy I'll serve first? The one whoflashes me a 20, nods, and goes back to his conversation. So, Ryan,


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show her a part of you that might interest her, and then back off untilshe comes to get it.

My friends with wives and girlfriends treat my place like their escape

pad. I like the company, but I don't like being used. Where do I drawthe line?

Funny, from where I stand, if I had a place where guys wanted togather, I'd be real happy to have them. As long as they brought theirown beer.

My buddy's friends organized a raunchy bachelor party for him. I'm notinto the strip-club scene, but I don't want him to think I bailed on him.What should I do?

Bring lots of ones.

My best friends are both married women. How do I show theirhusbands that I respect their claim and that I only want to be friends?

Show me a man whose best friends are married women and I'll showyou a man who's asking for an appointment with their husbands' nailguns. Tread carefully here, Sal. You try too hard to show the guysyou're only interested in their wives as good buddies and you'll lookguiltier than a 4 a.m. loiterer. My gut tells me that the only way youcan stay friends with the two of them is to start thinking of it as the

four of them.

My wife found out I was looking at porn. She says it makes her feelinsufficient. What to do?

Come on, Mark. "Looking at porn"? She's no fool. In fact, I bet your wifewouldn't mind if you flew solo once in a while -- but foisting theevidence on her will tap into any insecurities she might have. It's yourjob to squash her doubts: Put the porn on the shelf and prove to hershe's your fantasy, and those naughty nurses or buxom blondes werejust a fling. (And next time, Mark, cover your tracks.)

I suck at small talk, and it's killing my social life. How can I improve?

Three nights ago, this guy lays me a 10-spot "for the greatconversation" after yapping about his cheating wife for half an hour. Ididn't do a lick of talking. What I did do is exactly what you should doto perfect the art of yap: Ask all the questions.


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Is there a good way to tell my girlfriend that she doesn't have thebody to wear belly shirts or low-rider jeans?

Not if you want to see what's under them ever again.

I want to go to a function at my old college -- alone. What's the bestway to tell my wife?

Try this. Shave your head, paint your face, brand your deltoids DeltaLambda whatever, shove a keg into the car trunk, then streak acrossyour living room. She's going to hear one thing: You want to act like apunk-ass kid again. She won't want any part of it. Just make sureyou've made her feel secure about old girlfriends. If you're in the clearthere, she might be willing to let you have a fun weekend. Throwing ina girls' weekend for her might grease the wheels a bit, too.

In a place that offers drink specials for ladies, do I have the right torequest the same price when buying a drink for her?

Yeah, do that, Scotty. Go up to the barkeep and demand a cheap drinkbecause you're "buying" one for the cute girl whose exposed belly isflatter than this here coaster. Nothing impresses a woman more than aman who can whittle three and a half bucks off his bar bill.

My wife and I can't agree on how to raise our sons. I know somethingabout boys, having been one. Don't I have the final say?

Sorry, Tom, you don't automatically win 51 percent of the votebecause you and your sons use urinals. Just remember that you andyour wife shouldn't disagree in front of your kids, because parentingcan't be two-party politics. The only way you'll both feel good aboutthe direction your sons are heading is by going into closed chambersand giving yourselves time to hammer out a compromise, whether it'sabout bedtime, discipline, or T.J.'s request for a chest-covering panthertattoo. That's when you explain your male point of view, using it as onecard in the negotiations, not a trump card. Maybe then you and yourwife will end up with the result that works in few situations other thanparenting: a tie.

What can you tell about a girl by what she drinks?

About 11 o'clock last Monday night, these young women come in. Thestunner of the group -- brown hair down to here, tight pink sweater --leans over the bar. "Six Jger shots," she says, "and one girly shot."She tells me her friend can't handle hard stuff. Fine by me. My point?Sipping some red-colored syrup while surrounded by Jger drinkers


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could mean the friend's a wuss -- or it could mean she's strong andindependent. See, you can tell a lot about a woman not just by whatshe drinks but by how she drinks -- whether she sips, chugs, or shoots;and whether drinking makes her more likely to laugh, cry, talk, ortouch.

That girl over there wants to take me home. "No strings," she says.Look at her, Jimmy. She's no box of chocolates. But, frankly, I coulduse the action. Should I go for it?

Other day, I go to my favorite place for lunch 'cause I'm craving theirfried shrimp. So I sit down, order my beer, and the guy -- says hisname is Arlindo -- tells me they ran out of shrimp. Damn if I didn't feellike sticking three knuckles into little Lindo's neck. But, hey, if you'rehungry, you move down the menu. I'm not going to tell you what kindof morality diet you should be on, so if you want an answer, ask

yourself one question: How hungry are you?

My 15-year-old daughter is starting to wear tight tops and short skirts,and I know what guys are thinking. My wife says to stop worrying. Howcan I explain to them that these clothes send the wrong signals?

Don't be fooled: Both your daughter and your wife realize that tightclothes do this weird chemical thing that makes men more charged upthan a 9-cell lithium. Unfortunately, fathers rank about 103rd on thelist of people teenage daughters will listen to about low-riders. So findanother way to set an example, and let your wife cover the closet.

What's the best way to meet new people when you've just moved totown?

I'm not a social director, but I do know this: You won't meet anybodywhile you sit here talking to me. See that dartboard over there? You'lleventually hit the bull's-eye -- as long as you keep throwing.

My soon-to-be wife flirts with other men when we're out in a groupsetting. What's the best way to bring it up?

I've seen hundreds of guys pull a Ron Artest the minute their womenmake small talk with some other guy. Dumb, I say. I don't know yourlady, but my hunch is that her flirtations are harmless. She's not tryingto stir up your whoop-ass hormones; she's trying to put rocket boostersunder her sex-loving ones. So why bring it up? Let her heat up at thebar and she'll boil over at home.


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I'm a lawyer, but I have this crush on the girl at the hot-dog stand. Canthis relationship actually work?

Here's what she's saying to one of her pals: "One of my customers iskind of cute, but he's a lawyer." Really, Mark, what's your hang-up?

That she's not intellectual enough for you? That she works the street?You've got only circumstantial evidence, my friend. I'm biased towardfolks who make a living serving others. Maybe her job says a lot abouther but not in the way you think. She could be running the familybusiness (meaning she's loyal), she could be paying her way throughschool (meaning she's independent), or she could just like hot dogs(meaning ball season will be a blast). What I'm saying is, you don'tjudge a dog by the way it looks decide whether you like it afteryou've given it a try.

My wife can't stand how much I work, but I'm just doing it for the

family. How can I make her understand that?

I gotcha, Ian. You're working hard, trying to provide, and making sureyou're not paying the mansion mortgage of some Visa exec. But I thinkyou ought to pull your career into the garage and look under the hood.You're pushing your engine to the redline, which is how you got outfront. I'm guessing you like the thrill and prestige that come withhaving a lot of horsepower. Nothing wrong with that. But you shouldremember that your family would take a little less of your cash for alittle more of your time.

A stripper I spent a good chunk of change on asked for my number andlater called to set up a date. How do I know what she's after?

I know exactly what she's after -- and it ain't your lap. It's what'stucked in the pocket on the other side. But for kicks, let's say your 7seconds of witty banter was enough to snare her. Wow, Tommy, whata score. Can't you just picture it? Every night, there she is, slowlygrinding her hips, sliding her fingers under the strings of her thong,pursing her lips, and running her hands all over her naked, oil-slickedskin. Oh yeah, she sure looks ready to pounce. On some other guy.

What should you do if, in a moment of weakness, you drunk-dial yourex?

Do what everyone else does: Confess your love, apologize for callingwhen you're drunk, hope she invites you over, and hit "End" when shedoesn't.


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I'm dating two girls, and it feels as though one has better long-termpotential. When do I have to stop seeing the other one?

My nephew tells me this story the other day, that whenever he takeshis kids for lunch after soccer, one wants to go to Burger King, and the

other starts screaming about McDonald's. Instead of just taking turns,he ends up going to both places every Saturday to make his kidshappy. Waste of time, I say. And when it comes to girlfriends, you'dbetter decide fast whether you prefer the special sauce or the sesame-seed buns. The longer you frequent both franchises, the more likely itis that they'll both be looking to put you out of business.

I'm stuck working with this guy I really hate. How can I conquer myurge to strangle him?

You seen the women in this place? Take it from me -- and I've got more

urges than a caged gorilla -- cravings are too powerful to flat-outeliminate. Doesn't matter if they're physical, sexual, or maniacal. Youhave to find a slightly less satisfying, slightly more legal alternative. Ifhe deserves it, strangle him -- but do it by sending a lippy e-mail, or bybeating his tail on a project, or by toasting his transfer to anotherdepartment over beers with fellow haters. Giving in to the urge a little,rather than trying to totally resist it, will help make it disappear.

My girlfriend dumped me for some no-talent clown. I'm crushed. Arebound one-night stand will ease the pain, right?

Yeah, for about 3 seconds. Seriously,I think you know that no matter how hot one-night stands may be,random shenanigans are just emotional novocaine. Sure, they'll hidethe pain for a bit, but the effect wears off. I know you're in bad shape,buddy, but get back out there. You're in a relationship root canal rightnow, and you have to book some appointments to find the person whocan fix it best--someone who can make you forget how much it used tohurt.

The new guy in the office just doesn't get it. Should I tell his boss? Idon't want to look like I have a vendetta against him, but he's a tool

around company clients.

Office rule 1: Protect yourself.Office rule 1a: Protect the company.

Office rule 2: Stay out of other people's business, unless it affects rule1 or 1a.


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I'm almost sure my best friend told my girlfriend I was cheating on her.She dumped me. Should I dump him?

Few years back, I'm cleaning out the register from one hell of a busynight. It's playoffs time, and I mean this place is rockin'. Well, a new

guy is in here working with me and come the end of the night, we're,no lie, $480 short. So I take the kid in the back and I ask him whathappened. And I'm kind of gruff because I know this guy took it. Hedenies it, I get madder, and I swear I'm going to light him up. Then theboss comes in, tells me he took $480 into the back 'cause all that cashup front made him nervous on a crowded night. I never noticed. And Ihave to eat dirt. So before you fire your friend, make sure it was him.And, let me just say, if you were pulling cash out of the drawer behindyour girlfriend's back, then it doesn't really matter anyway--becauseyou, not your friend, deserved to be kicked to the curb.

A group of us went in on a big wedding gift for a friend. I fronted thecash, and one guy still hasn't paid for his share. My wife wants me tocollect. What should I do?

Ask yourself who you'd rather upset--your deadbeat friend, whodeserves to be confronted, or your wife, who can withhold a muchmore valuable form of currency.

I've always been into leggy blondes, but I'm engaged to a petitebrunette. Do I take the plunge, then fantasize about blondes for therest of my life?

Let me make sure I've got this right. You've lived your life orderingcheeseburgers with onions, lettuce, and ketchup. One day, you taste acheeseburger with onions, lettuce, and mustard. And you love it. Butyou're torn because you're a ketchup guy? C'mon, Rick. If you thinkshe's the one, savor the flavor. Because if you keep staring at themenu, you're the one who's going to end up as leftovers.

I have a good job, but I dream of becoming a pilot. How do you knowwhen to give up a dream?

Dreams are made of passion, enthusiasm, drive, and imagination.Reality is made of cable bills, mortgage payments, 11-hour workdays,and putting the needs of the people close to you over your own. If youcan keep fulfilling all the obligations on the second list, then follow thedreams on the first.


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I live with my girlfriend, and we both have hectic lives. She likes toplan everything, so our free time and vacations are packed. How can Iconvince her to relax?

You know, James, I think women are a little bit like computers. You can

upgrade some things, add software, remove programs. But the basicsystem doesn't change. Your girlfriend is hardwired to be organized,and you can't just download antidrill-sergeant software. Sure, you cantry to put her in sleep mode by sending her out of town, but the fact is,this model knows exactly how she wants to operate.

Women say they hate men who get into fights. But if some thug isleering at my girl at a bar and making comments, how far should I goto stand up for her?

Behind the bar, it sometimes feels like I'm on a safari. I see all kinds of

alpha males flashing their manes, prowling for mates, jockeying forterritory. So if a male advances on the queen of your jungle, you haveto decide: Kill or be killed? It's a tricky fight, Jake, but one you can win.No aggressive words to call him out, no physical contact, nothing thatwill turn this into a game of dueling testosterone levels. All you needare confident eyes, a "she's mine" smirk, and an oxygen-filled chest.She wants protection, not total destruction.

My girlfriend is trying to convince me to go for a manicure. I'm aMarine, so it's not happening. What do you think?

I have a lot of respect for Marines, so I'm not going to go all Freudianon you, trying to explain how maybe you're not really against themanicure itself, but against the idea of doing something thatundermines your masculinity. Simple fact is, she'd like you to spruceup your ratty fingers. It's not much to ask, is it? But, by God, they'reyour damn fingers, so if you don't want to lay them out for filing,buffing, and cuticle shaping, then--sir, no sir--don't do it.

Conversations with my friend are always one-sided--his side. What canI do?

You're asking the wrong guy, buddy. I spend 8 hours a night listeningto problems. Anyone ever ask me what's going on in my life? Point is, Idon't have a choice, you do. If I didn't want to listen to guys like you, itwould probably mean I chose the wrong job. If you don't want to listento this guy, maybe you chose the wrong friend. But if it's his troubleshe's telling you--not just gripes--that means he trusts you, and that's acompliment.


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What should you do when she says, "I love you," and the feeling isn'tmutual?

Chris, Thermopolis, WY

Back when I was tending bar down the shore, a guy walks in andorders a drink. He's minding his own business when some other guytaps his shoulder and cold-cocks him. First guy never saw it coming.Trust me, Chris, if she's saying she loves you and you don't love her,that's an emotional fist to the jaw. Don't lie to her; that's an evenharder punch when she finds out the truth. What I think you should dois grab her, hold her, kiss her, and say, "You're amazing." Yeah, she'llknow damn well what you didn't say, but at least show her you havestrong feelings for her, even if it's not that one.

My girlfriend constantly brings up marriage. Even though I want to

marry her, I feel like I'm part of an agenda. And when I do propose,there will be no surprise. Can I fix this?

Adam, Elmhurst, IL

Every Tuesday, a guy named Paul comes in here after work, buggingme to get a satellite dish so he can watch the Tigers play. The more heasks, the louder I say no. The issue here isn't about getting married,Adam; it's about who has the power. If you do want to marry her, thentell her you'll ask when you're ready. But let me tell you, if she doesn'tleave you alone now, she'll nag you about the bills, about watching too

much sports . . . She'll go on nagging you about damn near anything.And the hardest part is that if the Tigers are driving you crazy, it's notlike you can just switch to the Cubbies whenever you feel like it.

I have a hard time asserting myself. I don't want to yell, but I know Ishouldn't be a doormat. Any ideas?

A hot fortune-telling gal came in a while back. She read guys' palms,and they were eating out of hers. She entertained the whole bar thatnight by doing what you need to do--taking a look into the future. See,the problem with people who don't stand up for themselves is that

they'd rather avoid confrontation than think about the future. Onceyou're labeled a patsy, you could eventually lose a job, a woman, andplenty of respect. You don't have to be rude and loud; you can be firmand friendly, but the only way you'll change is by realizing it's okay tobe uncomfortable in the present to protect your future.


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At my wife's office party, I overheard a male coworker call my wife thehottest woman in the company. I don't like the idea of these bozosleering at her. Should I do something about it?

Let's think about this, Colin. A couple of guys think your wife is hot.Great. She's not going to quit her job, you're not going to watch overher at work, and there's no way you can prevent them from lookingdown her blouse. So what is saying something going to accomplish? It'sgoing to make you look like a fool--and make them look at her evenmore. So be mad, fine. But keep it to yourself. It's better to revel in thefact that while they're looking at the menu, you have the main dish allto yourself.

Sparks flew between a longtime friend and me. Now she wants sex,sans strings. Seems like a win-win, but am I just headed for trouble?

Please, Glenn. She may say there are no strings attached, but whileshe's polishing your fretboard and grabbing your whammy bar, she'salso hoping you'll like her tune enough that you'll eventually goplatinum--as in platinum wedding band. Do yourself a favor and sendyour duet to the archives instead of putting it into heavy rotation.

My son listens to horrible music. How can I show him what really rockswithout sounding like a broken record or a really bad tape loop?

Guy comes in here telling me about his 11-year-old. Kid went into a

souvenir shop and picked out something to buy -- with his own money.You know what he ended up with? A poster from a Who concert. I'mnot saying your boy will react the same way, but I do know you can'tforce it, and you can't tell him to turn off his music. That kid's pop did itthe right way -- he didn't jam his favorites down his kid's throat, and hedidn't tell him new music was no good. All he did was play what heliked and let it seep into the kid's noggin. Ain't that how the bestparenting works anyhow?

My girlfriend beats me at every sport, sometimes in front of myfriends. And of course they're ragging on me. Should I ask her to go

easy?

I know losing a ball game to a woman may feel like you're losing morethan the game part of that phrase. But the truth is, those guys arejealous -- jealous that their own women aren't certified badasses. Iguarantee it. There's something extremely hot about a woman who'scompetitive and athletic. Don't tell her to tone it down. Tell her to bringit on.


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Jimmy the Bartender