January 20, 2016 Volume 10, Issue 9 …...2016/01/20 · $50 Off Emergency Tree Service (630) 386-3386 Trimming • Pruning • Stump Removal • Grinding Cabling and Bracing Damaged

January 20, 2016 Volume 10, Issue 9

Jay Feather SLX

If you are age 7 - 107. . . Enjoy Your FREE Copy Of The Orange Peel Gazette

KKANEANE CCOUNTYOUNTY EEDITIONDITION

Download your FREE copy today at: www.OrangePeelGazetteKaneCo.com

Distribution on the 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each month

For Advertising: Michelle (815)751-1286 Email: [email protected]

FREETAKE ONE

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The Water PistolMy five year old son squealed with

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"Mom," I said. "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazywith water pistols?"

My mom smiled and said, "Yes, I remember."

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OPG 1-20-16_Layout 1 1/19/2016 4:42 PM Page 1

ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE COUNTY EDITIONADvertIsIng stArts At just $30.00 per Issue • pAge 2

TELL OUR ADVERTISERS, “I SAW YOU IN THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE.”

ATTENTION: Kane County Homeowners:We are doing it again this year! Great opportunity with only 22 units available in 2016Contractor Committed To Providing Quality, American Made HVAC Systems:

One Hour Heating Helping 22 Homeowners By “Giving Away” Furnaces for $941 with Off-Season Air ConditioningIf you qualify, local utilities may offer up to $550 in rebates towards your new system.

663300--226622--88448844

Dear Neighbor:I have great news for your wallet if your furnace is over 12years old. Allow me to explain...Every year, the months ofJanuary, February, & March can be slow for my business. Iemploy great people and want to keep them working duringthese long, slow months. This is why I’ve come up with aWin Win Situation for both of us.

Every year, the big manufacturers of furnaces & air conditioners guess how many to build to meet the demand.Of course, they’re never exactly right. So, they always havesome inventory that they must hold over until the next summer season. I went to one of these companies andcontracted for the purchase of twenty-two Deluxe furnacesand air conditioners in the four most popular sizes used inKane County. And, because of the quantity and time ofyear, I was able to buy them at drastically reduced prices.

They are brand-new Deluxe Models. They are NOT seconds or “blems” or standard “builder”models. They are factory-fresh furnaces and air conditioners and have a full 10-year factory warranty.

How To Get A Furnace For PeanutsIf you are interested in a new heating/cooling system (butonly if one of the four sizes I have will fit your house, ofcourse), I am “giving” you the furnace and all I ask for is the $941 in labor & material costs for installion.

Perfect Fit For Your HomeI will come out and measure your home (and determine the

availability of the proper size). I only have 22 matchedDeluxe Systems in four sizes. When they are gone, this remarkable offer ends also. Just call 630-262-8484.

Absolutely No ObligationAfter I completely explain the installation, there is absolutelyno obligation. If you decide you don’t want to take advantage of the spectacular savings... That’s OK.

You Can Buy With NO CashYou don’t even have to pay me right away. I have set up aterrifice 0%* payment plan.

Fuel Efficiency Guarantee**I’m so confident that you will save at least 25% on yourheating and cooling bills (I’m projecting more like 30%), that I will pay you the difference for a year if you don’t! I’llshow you exactly how this works. If these heating and airconditioning systems were not among the best on themarket, I couldn’t afford to make such a promise.

Why This Offer Can’t LastI only have a few of each of the four sizes. When all of theair conditioners are sold and all the furnaces are “given”away, that’s it. There are not more at this price. Call now at (630)262-8484 to set up an appointment for your no-obligation survey.

*With approved credit. Ask for details. **With high efficiency upgrade.


FOR ADVERTISING, CALLMICHELLE AT (815)751-1286

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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE COUNTY EDITIONgreAt rAtes - greAt results - CAll tODAY! (815)751-1286 • pAge 3

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We Don't Have Any I was a manager at a toy store. A few years back

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I quickly assured the customer that we would havea shipment in next week After she left, I read thecashier the riot act. "never tell a customer that we'reout of anything. tell them we'll have it next week.now, was she looking for a Furby?"

"no ..." "Well, what was it she said she wanted?" "rain."

Weight Watching Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady

was discarding things from her wardrobe that nolonger fit.

Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she heldup a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn thesewhen I was 183."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How oldare you now?"

Why I Don't Play Golf A golfer is playing a round of golf with his

buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water. Frustratedover his poor golfing ability, he heaves his golf clubsinto the water, and begins to walk off the course.

then all of a sudden he turns around and jumpsback in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he isgoing to retrieve his clubs.

When he comes out of the water he doesn't havehis clubs and begins to walk off the course.

then one of his buddies asks, "Why did you jumpinto the lake?"

And he said, "I left my car keys in the bag."

- - - - -Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE COUNTY EDITION“tHe HOttest lIttle pAper In tOWn” • pAge 4

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Ultra-Modern the junior executive had been complaining to his

wife of aches and pains. neither one could account for his trouble. Arriving

home from work one night, he informed her. "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so

miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furnituretwo weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've beensitting in the wastebasket."

Uncomfortable During a test I was administering, I noticed that

one of my married students, who was quite pregnant,kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, Iasked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holdingonto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my babywas pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurta little."

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•Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends

less than my wife does.




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Top Ten NOT Surprising Facts About The Average Parent

10. the average parent has eaten their weight in girl scout cookies.

9. the average parent has at least two backup recipes for play-doh.

8. the average parent has pizza Hut on speed dial. 7. the average parent has prepared more than 10,000

servings of macaroni and cheese. 6. the average parent unconsciously hums at least

three children's show theme songs a day. 5. the average parent can take construction paper,

glue, pudding cups and aluminum foil and make a delightful thanksgiving centerpiece.

4. the average parent can produce from their pocket/purse at least 12 legos, 3 hot wheels cars, and a Barbie shoe at any given time.

3. the average parent has at least one child induced stain on the clothing they are currently wearing.

2. the average parent secretly hopes that whoever thought up 3 months for summer vacation gets attacked by a pack of marauding wolverines.

1. the average parent knows that a suspiciously sweet, "Mommy, I love you" means," I have just decorated your new headboard/carpet/dress/suit with all your makeup."

Toy Advice A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party,

made a pitch for some free professional advice. "Whatkind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on histhird birthday?" she asked.

"First I'd have to know more about the child," thepsychologist hedged.

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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE COUNTY EDITIONCOnneCtIng CustOMers AnD BusInesses. . .tHAt’s WHAt We DO Best! • pAge 7

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Tom Jones Syndrome A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in themorning through the country lanes I start to sing 'thegreen green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's'What's new, pussy cat?' It's so embaracing, even whenI'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. lastnight, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"

"Yes, it would apear that you have the early symptoms of tom jones syndrome".

"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" askedthe man.

"It's not unusual," replied the doctor.

Too Expensive A very cheap man was looking for a gift for a

friend. everything was too expensive, except for abroken glass vase which he could purchase for almostnothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping hisfriend would think it had been broken in transit.

In due time, the man received an acknowledgementfrom his friend. "thanks for the vase," it read. "It wasso thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

Tour of London A texan was taking a taxi tour of london and was

in a hurry. As they went by the tower of london thecabby explained what it was and that constructionstarted in 1346 and it was completed in 1412.

the texan replied, "shoot, a little ol' tower likethat? In Houston we'd have that thing up in twoweeks!"

the cab passed the House of parliament next, thecabby stating that it started construction in 1544 andwas completed 1618.

"Boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas andit only took a year!"

As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby wassilent.

"Whoa! What's that over there?" asked the texan. "Man, I don’t know. It wasn't there yesterday..."

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Those Voices Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very

worried look on his face. "Doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. Do you

remember those voices in my head that I always complain about?"

"Yes," the doctor replies. "Well they've suddenly gone away," Murray says. "so what's the problem?" "I think I'm going deaf."

The Threat As a fellow policeman and I were eating lunch in a

cafe, we heard a woman nearby say loudly, "jimmy, ifyou don't eat all your peas, I'll have those policemencome over and talk to you." My friend promptly walkedover to the five-year-old who was being scolded.

"jimmy," he said, just as loudly, "I'm six-foot-twoand weigh 200 pounds. And I never ate a pea in mylife." As we left, the other patrons were laughing,jimmy's mother was absolutely silent, and a smilingjimmy was no longer afraid of policemen.

Three Important Words At my granddaughter's wedding, the Dj polled the

guests to see who had been married longest. It turnedout to be my husband and I. the Dj asked us, "Whatadvice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

I said, "the three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

everyone then looked at my husband. He said,"she's probably right."

Tofu Recipies A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health

food store and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly what she did with the tofu in her basket.

she said she normally puts it in the refrigerator,looks at it for several weeks and then throws it away.

the man replied, "that's exactly what my wife doeswith it. I was hoping you had a better recipe."

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Tax Code the u.s. tax Code is pretty complex, but some-

times there are little nuggets of clarity that reallymake sense. Yesterday in my class we read from theInternal revenue Code.

section 708(a) of the Internal revenue Codestates: "...an existing partnership shall be consideredas continuing if it is not terminated."

I guess it's just like an individual shall be considered as alive if he or she is not dead.

Where's the Cat? My aunt's neighbor in new York had a beautiful

black cat, Felix, who spent his days outside and cameindoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. the neighbor searched for him in vain.the following spring, however, Felix reappeared,looking healthy and clean. she figured he'd been sowing his wild oats. everything was back to normaluntil that autumn, when Felix disappeared again.

the next spring, he returned. perplexed, my aunt'sfriend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, sherang the bell of an older couple. "A black cat?" thewoman said. "Oh, yes. My husband and I hated to seehim out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. Wetake him to Florida every winter."

•I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took

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Office Temperature In the office where I work, there is a constant battle

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the frustrated director, trying to get us to under-stand his position, announced one afternoon, "We needto keep the temperature below seventy-two degrees orthe computers will overheat."

thinking that this was just another excuse, one ofmy shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. so howdid they keep the computers from overheating beforethere was air conditioning?"

Wine with Dinner I was nervous the night my husband and I brought

our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for thefirst time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine withthe meal. When the waitress brought it, our childrenbecame quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

she poured a small amount for me to taste, and thenour six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lotmore than that!"

Teamwork "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweet-

heart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will beready."

"good, what are we having for breakfast?" askedthe new husband.

"toast and juice," she replied.

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Early Bird Game 6:30pm

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The Student Athlete A scout for one of the leading colleges went to the

office of the athletic director and announced, "Have Igot an athlete for you! this guy can play every sportand excels at every position. He is absolutely thefinest athlete I have ever seen play."

the athletic director was very impressed but had toask the question, "But how is he scholastically?"

the scout replied, "He makes straight A's in everysubject. However, I must tell you his B's are a littlecrooked."

Tuscaloosa A tourist on his way to tuscaloosa came to a fork

in the road and stopped. there was no sign indicatingwhich route went where.

spotting a boy by the road, he yelled out, "Hey,kid, does it matter which road I take to tuscaloosa?"

"not to me it don't," replied the boy.

Tying a Tie shortly after reporting to the 101st Airborne

Division, we were ordered to fall out in our dress uniforms. Only problem was, I didn't know how to tiea necktie. so I asked the guy in the next bunk for help.

"sure," he said. "lie down." Confused, I lay down on the bunk and he tied my

tie. "sorry, but this is the only way I know how," hesaid. "Comes from practicing on my father's clients."

"What does your father do?" "He's a mortician."

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Call Jennifer at 630-673-2041Earn Cashto pay off the Holidays!!

FURNISHINGS/HOME DECOR/JEWELERY Will It Be Long? When my husband and I showed up at a very

popular restaurant, it was crowded. I went up to thehostess and asked, "Will it be long?" the hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again,"How much of a wait?" the woman looked up fromher book and said, "About ten minutes." A short timelater, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker:"Willette B. long, your table is ready."

Would You Be Scared? I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to

understand how the Indians must have felt when theyfirst encountered the spanish explorers. "How wouldyou feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on yourdoorstep who looked very different, spoke a strangelanguage and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be abit scared?"

"nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was mysister's date."

Yard Sale I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked

"electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." Ilooked inside and was amused to see an electric canopener.

Union Contract the supervisor for the union Of road Construction

Workers called the meeting to order. "Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the state.

We'll no longer have to work FOur days a week!" "HOOOrAY!!!" the crowd cheered. "We'll quit work at 4 pM and not 5 pM!" "HOOrAY!!!" the crowd roared. "We don't have to be in until 11 AM instead of 10

AM!" "HOOrAY!!!" the crowd thundered. "And now, even though 99% of the roads in the

country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll only haveto work on Wednesdays!!"

silence. A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean,

everY Wednesday?"

Curfew this young man was elated when he turned eight-

een in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for anyoneseventeen years of age and under.

He told his Dad how happy he was that now hecould stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted.

"Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but thecar is under eighteen and it has to be in the garage byeleven," his father said.


Opee Gazette says: Let’s Play!Who Wants To Be A Zillionaire?



The GeneralKnowledge Quiz 4

st. George churchSt. George Hall ▪ 667 Sheridan St ▪ Aurora

Sat., February 13Youth Group Spaghetti Supper

$6 donation; Carry-out available.serving from 5-7pm

tickets at the door or call(630)851-4002

Sun., February 7St. George Church

Romanian Sausage Sale

pick up time:1-5 pm. Advance orders a must. Call or text

(630)768-4851 or (815)739-2818,Calls only to (630) 898-4143

$109,000 Question...What does your heart pump?A) Air B) BloodC) Water D) energy$110,000 Question...Which is the nearest star?A) Mars B) saturnC) venus D) sun$111,000 Question...How many sides does a triangle have? A) 2 B) 3C) 7 D) 9$112,000 Question...How many legs does a butterfly have?A) 4 B) 5C) 6 D) 8$113,000 Question...Which country has the most people? A) France B) uKC) Canada D) China

$114,000 Question...Which country has the biggest land area?A) russia B) greenlandC) India D) Canada$115,000 Question...What is the most popular indoor sport in the good ole’u.s.A.? A) Baseball B) FootballC) Hockey D) Basketball$116,000 Question...In which sport was Muhammad Ali, “the greatest”, theworld champion? A) Baseball B) BoxingC) swimming D) pole vault

(Answers below - See you next issue!)

Answers: $109 - B; $110 - D; $111 - B; $112 - C; $113 - D; $114 - A; $115 - D; $116 - B.

Things I Have Learned in LifeAge 7: I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eatmy broccoli either. Age 12: I've learned that just when I get my room theway I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 15: I've learned that although it's hard to admit it,I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 24: I've learned that silent company is often morehealing than words of advice. Age 39: I've learned that if someone says somethingunkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 48: I've learned that no matter what happens, orhow bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will bebetter tomorrow. Age 53: I've learned that regardless of your relation-ship with your parents, you miss them terribly afterthey die. Age 61: I've learned that if you want to do somethingpositive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 64: I've learned that you shouldn't go through lifewith a catchers mitt on both hands.You need to beable to throw something back. Age 65: I've learned that if you pursue happiness, itwill elude you. But if you focus on your family, theneeds of others, your work, meeting new people, anddoing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 66: I've learned that whenever I decide some-thing with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 75: I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 82: I've learned that even when I have pains, Idon't have to be one. Age 92: I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

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looking for motivated peopleto earn income from home.great income opportunityF/t, p/t (630)906-9521

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cArpeT cLeANiNG HeLp WANTeD

needing persons to typecourt transcripts from

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AuTOmOTive

Batavia, sugar grove, Oswego & West Chicago office & warehouse space for lease, from 1,500sq ftto 12,000sq ft. For infoCall Don 630-330-7637 or steve 630-669-1711.

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Lanza Masonry Inc.Brick, Stone, Tile

Pavers Retaining Walls 847-833-3384

mAsONry

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Automotive & residentialMiddleton’s lock & Key, llC.

license# 191.000889630-277-0443

n. Aurora Contractor needssomeone with mech exp -small engines, tools, cars.Diesel exp not req but a +

CDl-C is desirable, CDl-Aa+. Full time position, 40+hours a week. Other duties

to be discussed. Call 630-675-1115 or email

resume to hr-info@comcastor fax to 630-892-5803

$95 face cordDelivered

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victrola talking MachineWorks; in good shape+ other misc antiques

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travel Opportunity-WorkHome, pt/Ft- lucrative pay& More! We train Call forInterview (630)766- 8231

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RON’S QUALITY PAINTINGInterior - exterior

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Wanted to buy junk -Cars, trucks, Farm

equipment/Machinerysemi-trucks trailers

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Cash Paid for Old Fishing/Hunting

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J & L BUILDERSBasement Finishing

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AGUAS REMODELINGAll Kinds of repairs;

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Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable. Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous stories and

jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only andare not meant to disrespect or harm any group or individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to considered as an endorsement or validation by Orange peel gazette for products or services offered.


resume WriTiNGresume Critiqued & Written

20+ Years of Writing exp.superbofficeservices.com

elgin - (847) 741-1007Free Consultation

1-on-1 Computer Classes to gain job skills Available

Crochet & knitting books & patterns. Yarn, notions, needles, hooks & fabrics,vintage sewing patterns

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Welcome Home provides people who have moved with useful community information and FREE gifts from localmerchants: all to help you become familiar with the area.

Call or Text For a Visit -Elburn - St. Charles Batavia - North Aurora Geneva/Mill Creek Batavia/Mill Creek

Polly Ruzic - 630-365-5990 Jennifer Zack - 630-229-2001

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sleeping room $90/weekly Clean/Quiet, non-smoking

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Next Issue: February 3Ad Deadline: January 22

ADVERTISE IN THE

ORANGE PEEL GAZETTECall Michelle at (815)751-1286

Salt Lake vs Denver I couldn't decide whether to go to salt lake City or

Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to getprices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.

"And what about salt lake City?" "We have a really great rate to salt lake. It's

$99.00, but there is a stopover." "Where?" "In Denver."

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet

is fighting some kind of battle.


Advertising: Michelle (815)751-1286 Email: [email protected] Mailing: PO Box 703, DeKalb, IL 60115

OORANGERANGE PPEELEEL GGAZETTEAZETTE OFOF KKANEANE CCOO

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Trucking & Dumpsterservice Available

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LOOK FOR OUR NEXT ISSUE ON FEBRUARY 3, 2016


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1 Block E. of Rt 25 on Sullivan

Since 1988

Wiggins short and baby-faced, my buddy Wiggins had

trouble being taken seriously in the Army. A mus-tache, he assumed, would fix that. He was wrong.

"Wiggins!" bellowed our drill instructor afterspotting the growth during inspection. "What's sospecial about your nose that it's got to be under-lined?"


Documents

January 20, 2016 Volume 10, Issue 9 …...2016/01/20 · $50 Off Emergency Tree Service (630) 386-3386 Trimming • Pruning • Stump Removal • Grinding Cabling and Bracing Damaged