Jack and the Beanstalk

SCENE 1 THE TOWN SQUARE

SONG – WE LOVE PANTODarkness. The drums from We Will Rock You sound out. The cast walk out on stage with various percussion items joining in, when they are all in place the song starts with the stage still in darkness. On each clap there is a flash of lightLyricsListen up people going to tell you a storyOf a boy who took on a big man one dayThe boy is JackAnd he lives with his maA long time ago in a land far away

We love we love panto (flash)We love we love panto (lights up)

Giant is an old man (Chorus shout)bad manShoutin’ at people that he’ll eat them some dayHe stuffs them in his (all) faceLikes the (all) tasteUses some bread to clean up his plate

We love we love pantoWe love we love panto

Giant is a big man (all) rich manNo bleeding heart gonna bring him peace some day

No books had he (all) readStupid fat (all) headAnd everyone knows what he always said(Giants booming voice off)Fee fi fe fi fo fumFee fi fe fi fo fum

We love we love pantoWe love we love panto

All exit apart from the Fairy Godmother

Fairy: Welcome, welcome one and all to our Christmas night of funA panto we present for you; a treat for everyoneIt’s set in a time long ago; in a kingdom far awayWhen money and fun were very scarce; a little bit like todayOur story tells of a handsome boy who everyone knows as JackHe has everything going for him and for friends he doesn’t lackHe lives at home with his lovely mum; but lately their lucks been down But even though times are hard you won’t see young Jack frownHe really is a delightful boy though at times a little lazy

With his head always in the clouds it drives his mother crazyBut despite his flaws they get along; it’s usually quite harmoniousHowever in their financial state they have to be quite parsimoniousThe money they had has all run out and things are really hardTheir little hovel costs so much; they have to live on bread and lardLet us see how things pan out in the land of once upon a time As you sit back while we unveil our Jack and the Beanstalk Christmas pantomime

SCENE 2GIANTS CASTLE

The stage is in darkness. A voice booms out.

Giant: Fe fi fo fum... I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he alive or be he dead I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.(enter Mouldy Wart) I am the giant Mouldy Wart, ruler of the land of Neptunia. 7 years ago the good fairy cursed me and shrank me down to size. 7 years I’ve lived like this, no bigger than a man. 7 years of eating tiny portions. 7 years of humiliation amongst all my giant friends but no more. Today I have discovered a way to break the curse and regain my awesome power. All I need to do is to find a boy pure of heart and drink his blood. Yum, yum. Unfortunately there are no boys who fit the bill here in Neptunia so I need to venture further afield. Let’s see where I’ll send them.

He takes out a map and a pin and sticks a pin in it.

Derby? That’s no use. There won’t be anyone pure of heart there.

He does it again

Ah, Bridgtonfordville. That sounds like the very spot. I will send my evil henchmen out into the world to lure back a suitable fellow, then I shall eat him up and once again be all powerful.... (evil laugh). Now, where are those henchmen? Henchmen.

Looks expectantly off stage.

Henchmen.

Nothing

Huh, being evil is so hard when you can’t get the staff... but Rhyming

My henchmen and I will lay a trap and this boy will fall right in it. Then on his body I shall dine and munch up every bit of it. Soon I shall be returned to glory and regain my size and shape. Then I shall wreak havoc across the land; my evil plans await.

Evil laugh and exits

SCENE 3JACK’S HOVEL

A pair of debt collectors enter. Joyce is carrying a big scroll of paper behind her and off stage is Bert, laden down with stuff they have taken from people.They are Bert n Joyce.

Joyce: Come on Bert, we haven’t got all day.Bert: I’m coming, I’m coming. All this money is really heavy you know and It’s such a hot

day as well and my feet are killing me and...Joyce: BERT!Bert: Yes Joyce.Joyce: Shut up.Bert: Right.Joyce notices the audience.Joyce: Here Bert, look at all these people. Bert: Oh yeah. Do you think they’re awake?Joyce: Let’s find out. Hello boys and girls etc (give out chocolate coins)Bert: Well, they certainly seem to be awake.Joyce: That one isn’t. There an ugly bunch aren’t they? Don’t they have any plastic surgeons

in Bridgfordtonville? They’d do a roaring trade. Bert: I went to the plastic surgeons the other day.Joyce: Whatever for?Bert: I wanted to pick my nose.Joyce: Why on earth would you choose that one? It’s huge. Mind you I guess it must great to

wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in BrazilHe shuts up.

Joyce: Right, enough of this, we have work to do. Let’s see who is next on our list (unrolling a huge list). Right, next we have the Trotts

Bert: Was it something we ate?Joyce: No you silly man. The Trotts. Mrs Trott and her son Jack.Bert: How much do they owe?Joyce: (adding up on fingers) Umm, I make it a thousand pounds.Bert: A thousand pounds. Well, that’s grand. Joyce: It says here she’s a widow.Bert: Does she have a first name?Joyce: (looking at his list) NoBert: Widow no.Joyce: No we don’t.Bert: What?Joyce: Nothing.Bert: I can see her now... The Widow Trott, small, petite, quiet, demure... Oh, she’ll be

terrified. It’ll be like taking shandy from a baby. Joyce: CandyBert: What?Joyce: CandyBert: No thanks, I’ve just eatenJoyce: No Bert, the expression is taking CANDY from a baby, you don’t take shandy from a

baby.Bert: Course you do... they’re far too young to drink. Right let’s see if they’re in

Knocks loudly on the door

Mrs Trott (off): (Bellows) Who is it?Joyce: She doesn’t sound very petite sirBert: Hmm, I’m sure that’s just a front to scare off strangersJoyce: It’s certainly workingBert: Is Mrs Trott there?Mrs Trott: Who wants her?

Bert: It’s Bert n Joyce, debt collectors. We’ve come to collect all your worldly goods to pay your bills

Pause

Mrs Trott: (in a different voice) She’s just gone out, but I’ll tell her you called. She’ll be sorry she missed you.

Joyce: Looks like the Trotts have done a runner.Bert: I smell something fishy here and it’s not your feet. (Thinks). I’ve got an idea

Knocks again

Mrs Trott: Who is it?Bert: We’re from the lottery we’re looking for Mrs Trott as she’s won the jackpot.

A clatter, a bang and Mrs Trott rapidly appears

Mrs Trott: I’m here I’m here… oh

Bert and Joyce take her by the arms and lead her to the front of the stage

Bert: Right then, now we’ve got you. Mrs Trott you owe the council a thousand pounds.Mrs Trott: A thousand pounds, why so much?Bert: FinesMrs Trott: It’s not fineBert There’s a lot of interest.Mrs Trott: I’m not interested, it’s boring.

Joyce is jumping around excitedly

Joyce: We’ve got the Trotts, we’ve got the TrottsMrs Trott: You can use the toilet if you like. Only a small charge... say a thousand pounds.

Joyce: A thousand pounds...but I only need to spend a penny.Mrs Trott: Anyway, what gives you the right to come round here and harass innocent people for

money?Bert: Tell her JoyceJoyce: (clears her throat and reads from the scroll) The dedication of this proclamation is a

declaration of intention in this situation of retention by subjugation of the items I shall mention. Those who oppose, I suppose shall depose and over throws those who impose otherwise. Let’s be clear, those who hear, far or near, will this year, give their gear to us two here… do not fear.

Mrs Trott: What was that first part again?Bert: (menacingly) You heard.Mrs: I did... but I didn’t understand a word. You want money don’t you?Joyce: YesMrs Trott: Well, I’m a bit short at the moment...

Bert and Joyce look at how tall she is

Bert: Really?Mrs Trott: How long do we have to raise the money?Bert: You’ve got two days. Today…

Joyce: And yesterday. Come on Bert (camembert!), I’m cheesed off, let’s get cracking

They slap the writ into her chest and exit chanting Wizard of Oz stylee

Bert & Joyce: All you owe you oh-owe, all you owe you oh-owe

Mrs Trott: Oh dear, a thousand pounds by tomorrow, where am I going to find that sort of money? I’ve only got sweets. Would you like some?

Gives out sweets to the audience

Mrs Trott: Oh, I wish my boy Jack was here. Have you seen him? He’s about this tall and this wide and he’s got this very funny looking face. He does have some crazy ideas but he always comes up with some good ideas for making money. He really wants to get on that Dragons Den programme you know and get those nice dragons to give him some cash. Then we’ll be rich and I can live in the manner that I wish to become accustomed to. If only he would work a bit harder. At the minute he works almost everyday. He almost works Monday... he almost works Tuesday.. he almost works Wednesday... Unfortunately he can be quite lazy. Do you want to know how lazy he is? That boy is so lazy if he dropped something he wouldn’t pick it up until his shoelaces needed tying. He’s the only person I know who has a smoke alarm with a snooze function. It’s fair to say he’s a bit of a relaxaholic.

(calling) Jack, Jack, oh, where is that boy?

She stirs a pot filled with old tin cans

Jack’s Mum: If he’s not home soon his dinner will be burned. It’s his favourite. Chilli-can-carneIt’s full of iron. Well, if he’s not back soon, I can always give his dinner to the cow.

Daisy: No thank-moo

Enter JACK

Jack: Hello mummy, I’m home againMum: Ee Jack, you’re lateJack: Pardon?Mum: I said ee jack you’re late;

Your dinners almost burned; where on earth have you beenJack: Sorry mum, I was running latteMum: Don’t you mean you were running lateJack: No latte… I stopped for a coffee and I didn’t see the time.Mum: But I got you a lovely watch. How did you not see the time?Jack: I was asleep...I did run home behind the bus so I saved £1.50.Mum: You stupid boy (clips him around the head) you should have run home behind a taxi

and saved a fiver. Did you get the shopping?Jack: No sorry, I didn’t.Mrs Trott: You didn’t? But Jack I wrote it all down on a list for you.Jack: But mum you know I can’t read. I’m completely illegitimate.Mrs Trott: That’s as maybe but I think you mean illiterate? That’s where you can’t read or write.

Jack: Wow, in that case I’m a tri-lingual illiterate. I can’t read or write in three languages. I do try though mum

Mrs Trott: It’s not tri-lingual... someone who speaks three languages is called multi-linguaI, someone that speaks 2 languages is called bilingual.

Jack: What do you call someone who speaks one language?Mrs Trott: American... I don’t know. 14 years old and you still can’t read. Which school do you

go to? Insert names of local schools as appropriate.Jack: I don’t go to any if I can help it.Mrs Trott: That would explain it.Jack: Oh, I wish I could read and write gooder.Mum: Well, you should listen in school rather than daydreamingJack: Oh I try but everything the teacher says goes in one ear and out the other 2.Mum: 3 ears?Jack: I can’t do biology either. I blame, Mr Jenkins, he’s cross eyed you see.Mum: Why does that matter?Jack: He can’t control his pupils. Oh mum, I wish I knew some more things, there’s so much

stuff I don’t know.Mum: Well if we had a bit more money I’d send you off to college so you could get a proper

education.Jack: A proper education is purely academic. I want to be out in the world of business

making money.Mum: (offering him a sweet) Would you like a mint?Jack: No, I mean like Richard BranstonMum: Well, you should make some to get us out of our pickle

The bailiffs have just been. We owe a thousand pounds.Jack: A thousand pounds! That’s an awful lot of money. What have you been spending it

on?Mum: I don’t know, it just goes... and the price of everything is going up...petrol,

bread...even eggs are going up now.Jack: That will surprise a few chickensMum: I don’t know how to spend less either...I already buy everything in poundlandJack: Did you know Poundland has become the Harry Potter shop?Mum: Really?Jack: Yes, everything is a quid each (quiditch). Can’t we sell some stuff on ebay?Mum: I’m glad you said that, I’ve got this box of stuff to sell. It’s all your childhood toysJack: But mum, those are my favourite things, you can’t sell them.Mum: You haven’t looked at them for years. I bet you don’t remember any of themJack: Of course I do.

He goes through the box

Jack: What’s this?

He pulls out a stuffed bunny

Mum: Oh don’t you remember that was your favourite toy, you used to love your little jack rabbit.

Jack: What about this?

This time he pulls out a child’s potty

Mum: You used to use that for toilet training; it’s the jack pot

This time he takes out hair dye

Jack: Why is there some Just for men here? I’m not greyMum: No but I had to dye your hair anyway; you used to be much fairer jack ahh

And now a wig

Jack: I could have used this old wigMum: You can’t touch that that’s a family hair-loom. Your granddad sent it over from

AmericaJack: Really?Mum: Yes, it came by hair mail but it didn’t have enough stamps so I had to pay the excess.

There was 5 pounds to-pay (toupee)If only it was hair to a fortune, all our problems would be solved

Jack: Oh what are we going to do mama; how are we going to raise the money?Mum: I’ve had a little think about it and come to this conclusion

We’re going to have to sell (whispers and points at the cow) DaisyJack: PardonMum: I said (whispering) we’re going to have to sell DaisyJack: WhatMum: (shouts) We’re selling Daisy

Daisy who has been quietly grazing in the corner suddenly puts her head up and looks anxious

Jack: Selling Daisy! But mum, you can’t. She’s my only friend in the world. Couldn’t we sell shares in her on the stock-exchange. A milk float might work. We’ll have no more dairy produce if we get rid of her.

Mum: Butter get used to it Jack my lad. There’s no udder way round our financial woesYou know, if you weren’t so lazy you could actually go and get a jobMaybe you could become a baker

Jack: Why a baker?Mum: We knead the dough.

Jack: One of my friends runs an elevator factory. I might be able to get a job there.Mum: Is it a good business?Jack: It has it’s ups and downs. Or I could set up my own airline Mum: An airline!Jack: Well, it might take off.Mum: (crying) All I want in life is a little coffee shop in the centre of Bridgford (because it

needs more coffee shops) just selling tea and cakes. My little Cafe NeraJack: But there’s already a cafe nero.Mum: Well, it’s Nera nuff. How will I ever make my dream come true when we have no

money?Jack: Oh mum don’t cry, I’ll go and sell Daisy, even though she means the world to me.Mum: Oh, you are a good boy, that’s cheered me right up that has. Now you take Daisy to

market and I’ll go and wash my knickers at the launderette (pulls out a huge pair of pants). There’s a really good laundrette in Bridgford you know.

Jack: It’s brilliant?Mum: Yes, it is very good. I must be off, goodbye boys and girls.

JACK’S MUM exits

Jack: Oh dear Daisy, this is really upsetting but don’t you cry, one day I’ll get you back and then we can all live happily together. I’m going to be rich one day and buy mum her coffee shop and get a house on Dovedale Road (or some other expensive area in Nottingham). Oh look at all these people Daisy. I never saw you all there...

Audience banter section

Jack: Come on Daisy, off we go; I have to get you to marketI know you’re old and it’s a long way to go; so I’m hoping you won’t cark itDid you know Daisy dear; in India they worship cows; it really makes you shudderI’m not sure why but for some reason; they bow down before one an udder

Fairy: Things at the Trotts are looking black; they’re getting pretty needyIt’s not like they want too much; it’s not like they’re being greedyAll Jacks mum wants is a little shop where she can sell her tea and coffeeBut currently their financial situation sucks more than sticky toffeeSo Jack took Daisy off to town to make a bob or twoHe wasn’t very happy about it but what else could he doHe and his mum had no food; no breakfast lunch or dinnerThey were lucky if they ate once a week; no wonder they’re looking thinnerIt’s market day in town today, the farmers all have their waresBut evil Mouldy Wart has a plan; he wants to catch Jack unawares.

SCENE 4THE COUNTRYSIDE

Enter Mouldy Wart.

Fee fi fo fove… I have come down from up aboveAnd come to England to find my prey and what do you know its market dayFee fi fo foon... I can’t wait to be big soon. I will go to the market in my disguise to find a boy who I despise; then through cunning I shall lure him back; to my castle where on him I’ll snack. Darkness shrouds the vilest of deeds and from its depths I shall succeedAnd soon, with a boy I shall return; and his pure heart will boil as on a spit roast he burns.Yum yum.

SCENE 5

THE MARKET

A bustling market, Jack and Daisy wander through it. One of the vendors is selling jugs so there is a sign advertising it saying “Jordan’s Jugs”. Another is selling pens and their banner says “Pen Island” etc.

Trader 1: Lovely strawberries 2 pound for a poundTrader 2: Lovely opera singers, only a tenorTrader 3: Get your turnips here, will swap for novels. We have turnips for the booksTrader 4: Foreign exchange, euros 2 for a pound …. 2 for £1.80… 2 for £1.50Jack: Wow, it’s so busy. We’re bound to find someone who wants to buy you Daisy. A

lovely cow like you will be really popular.

Jack approaches various people and tries to get them to buy the cow but they are not interested

Jack: Do you want to buy a cow?

Man looks at him oddly

Man: No.Jack: How about you?Woman: No.Jack: I’ve had more nose than Pinnochio. Well, you know what they say Daisy? If at first

you don’t succeed, try, try again… then quit there’s no point being foolish about somethingI had no idea this would be so hard; but it’s not through lack of tryingThe trouble with our economy is everyone’s selling but no one’s buying

Enter Mouldy Wart who watches the market for a bit. He looks at Jack

Mouldy Wart: He looks like the ideal boy; I think I’ve found my prey; desperate and ever so needy. He’s young as well so he’ll be nice and tender when we cook him up for tea.

Jack: Daisy, I’m going to need your help. We need to do a bit of advertising. What can you do to get these people to buy you? Have you got a special talent?

Daisy: Let me think... well, there is a song I can sing.

Daisy song – I like to Moooove It

Daisy: I like to Moo- ve it moo-ve itI like to Moo- ve it moo-ve itI like to Moo- ve it moo-ve it

Jack: You like toAll: MOO-ve it

Repeat as required, dance routine and audience participation A crowd has gathered around the dancing cow and from the crowd Enter STRANGER (MOULDY WART IN DISGUISE)

Stranger: Young man I represent a powerful Arabian magician and he has heard of your dancing cow.

Jack: It’s not a herd… she’s the only oneStranger: He has instructed me to pay any price to get such a beast. How much would you like?Jack: We are very poor and I don’t really want to sell her but mummy has sent me here to

get the best price I canStranger: Yadda, yadda, yadda, I get it. You’re broke. How much?Jack: Well, a thousand pounds would be nice.Stranger: A thousand pounds? Jack: Yes.Stranger: You wouldn’t want something worth more than £1000 then?Jack: Like what?Stranger: Look...

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out some beans.

Jack: Rabbit droppings?Stranger: No... these are magic beans. If you plant them in the ground then tomorrow there will

be a golden tree growing there and then you can have as much money as you like.

Jack: Wait a minute... if they’re so good why don’t you plant them?Stranger: Don’t ask silly questions. What do you say? Yes or no.Jack: What do you reckon kids? Should I swap Daisy for these magic beans?

Audience yes/no thing

Jack: Go on then I’ll take the beans. Mummy will be pleased. I might even get a pat on the head.

Daisy poos

Jack: I said on my head DaisyStranger: So tell me a bit about her. What breed is this one then?Jack: Oh, well judging by the weather lately she must be Friesian. Daisy: BooStranger: Shouldn’t you say Moo?Daisy: I’ve got a cold Stranger: Where did you get her?Jack: The Isle of Wight, she comes from CowesStranger: Ok, ok, stop milking it.

Here she hasn’t got mad cow disease has she? Jack: Oh we’re not worried about mad cow diseaseDaisy: That’s coz I’m a sheepStranger: Come on daisy; let’s go where it’s warm; our way to Arabia we’ll make

You can make my fortune in dairy goods; I will be a milk-sheik

STRANGER and DAISY exit

Jack: I can’t believe old Daisy’s gone but now I’ve magic beansI’ll take these home and show mummy. Do you think that she’ll be pleased?

JACK off

Fairy: So with Daisy sold Jack went home; with himself as pleased as punchHoping that these magic beans will help solve their credit crunchBut what will his mum make of them; do you think she will be pleasedJack has brought her magic beans when it’s money that she needsMouldy Wart has laid his plans and wants to lure Jack to his doomWhere he will get his comeuppance just like that Chris Huhne

SCENE 6

JACK’S HOVEL

Mum: Oh, Jack will be back soon so to celebrate I’ve made his favourite dinner…it’s rat-or-two-ee. Oh, here he comes now

Enter Jack

Jack: Mum mum, exciting news.Mum: Oh Jack. You haven’t got Daisy, how exciting, does that mean you’ve sold her? Did

you get a £1000?

Jack shakes his head

Mum: More?Jack shakes his head again

Mum: Less?

Jack shakes his head again

Mum: Yer a daft lad Jack Trot, if it wasn’t a £1000 and it wasn’t more and it wasn’t less... what was it?

Jack: Mum, I got something even better than some moneyMum: You stupid boy, the only thing better than some money is more moneyJack: Look...

He proudly shows her the beans. She looks at the them and does a double take

Mum: WHAT THE F...Jack: Magic beans mum. Mum: Beans!! Beans!! You know what this means don’t you?Jack: Heinz?Mum: No, it means we have no money and now we’ve nothing to sell either. I can’t make

coffee from beans can I?Jack: But mum, these are magic beans.Mum: Magic beans! Who told you that? Was it some tall, dark stranger from a far off land?Jack: Well, yes it was actually. He said they would turn into a tree with golden fruit which

would be gruesome. Mum: Gruesome?Jack: Yes, the beans will grew some and then grew some more. Soon we’ll be rich

Mum is furious and walks towards him. Jack backs off

Mum: You sold... our cow... the only thing we have... for beans!!Jack: Um...yes.Mum: Oh Jack, how could you? It was our last chance. Soon those bailiffs will be here and

what am I going to do with those?Jack: Umm…Make a stew?Mum: Jack!

She seizes the beans and throws them out of the window

Mum: Oh, now what are we going to do? We’re so broke we can’t even pay attention. It’s really given me the hump because stupid jack eyed peas.

Jack: They’re not peas, they’re magic beans.

Enter Bert & Joyce

Mrs Trott: Oh no, look it’s those debt collectors again. What are we going to do?Jack: Don’t worry mum, leave this to me.Bert: Well, we’re back. Where’s our money?

Jack and his mum look suitably contrite

Jack: Remind me again. How much do we owe you?Bert: A thousand poundsJack: A thousand pounds!! Phew, that’s a lot of money. Tell you what...Bert: Here, you’re not going to try and trick me are you?Jack: Absolutely not (nodding head at the audience). Let’s play a game... and if you win

I’ll give you £500... ok?

Bert and Joyce have a quick huddle and discussion

Joyce: Ok, but no trickery.Jack: Right. Here we go. It’s very simple...it’s called Simon Says. You only do the things

that Simon says to do. So if I say “Simon says...shake hands” you do and if I say Shake hands then you don’t? Got it? Right let’s start. Come over here.They do so.

Jack: Ha. Simon didn’t say come here.Bert & Joyce blame each other

Bert: Here, that wasn’t fair. Give us another chance.Jack: Shall we kids?

They play Simon says, improvise it but include…Jack: Simon says give me £2000.

Bert hands over the money.

Jack: Simon says you win.

Bert and Joyce congratulate each other.

Jack: Well done, here’s that £500

They look pleased but then they remember.

Bert: Here, wait a minute

Jack and his mum look guilty

Bert: You still owe us a £1000.Jack: Oh yes. Here you go.Joyce: You see we’re much too smart for you. Come on Bert

Bert & Joyce exit leaving them with £500.

Jack & Mum: Bye

Jack and his mum hug

Mum: That was very well done Jack my boy I didn’t realise you were quite so clever

Jack: I take after my dad.

Mum clips him round the ear

Mrs Trott: They will probably realise soon though so we have to get some money somehow. I can’t believe you got beans Jack. I feel like a balloon.

Jack: Why a balloon?Mrs Trott: You’ve really let me down. I’m sorry Jack, but you’ve really let me down. I think you

need to move out in the morning

She exits

Jack: Oh dear, I’ve really let mummy down. I thought it was a good idea. Didn’t you? Oh, what am I going to do? I’ll have to move out of Bridgford and go and live somewhere horrible... like Derby.

An Ahhh, from the audience... it’s sadder than that etc

Jack exits. Over the next bit the beanstalk grows.

Fairy: Jack has really upset his mum; she’s really quite irateBut all is not yet over; for Jack it’s not too lateFor during the night while all were sleeping; the beans they did gestate And doubled in size every minute; they shot up at such a rateIn the morning a towering plant rose up into the sky.You couldn’t even see the top; it was much too much too high.Anyone brave enough to climb it would undertake a tree-mendous feat

Jack: Lawks amusy what is that; whatever can it be?Much too big to be a flower; much taller than a treeIt really is a marvellous erection that has shot up in the nightAnd now towers over us; my word it soars to such a heightI wonder where it goes to; it must be at least a mile highAny man who fell from that I’m certain would surely dieMaybe I should climb it; but I really don’t think it wise I don’t know where it goes to and it really is so highI’m a bit of a coward at heart and by this task I am quite dauntedMaybe I’ll just stay here instead; but then by Mum I’ll be so tauntedShe really is so mad at me and around here I don’t feel neededAnd this plant will provide a meal or two; it’ll keep us both well feeded (fed even)On the other hand this undertaking could be a marvellous adventureAnd maybe to follow my destiny to climb this is what I’m meant terAs it is I’d have to walk for miles to get to another townAnd this is right on my doorstep I might as well go up as downMaybe a little courage on my part for my mistake it will amendMy mind is finally made up; the beanstalk I’ll ascend

Possible song:The only way is up – Yazz

Fairy So Jack having made his decision up the beanstalk he did climbNot knowing where he was going; not sure what he would findSo he climbed on, up and up; right into the stratosphere And as he got to the top of the stalk a magical world did appearThis is a magical land and bound to hold some surprisesLet us see how Jack does fare when left to his own devices

SCENE

THE GIANT’S CASTLE

Mouldy: That boy should be arriving any moment now so now we just lie in wait. Where are my henchmen? I need them to watch out for him. HENCHMEN! You just can’t get the staff nowadays. I best go and find them.

Enter JackJack: Wow, look at this place. Everything is so big. I wouldn’t like to meet the person that

lives here. They must be huge.

FX. GIANT’S FOOTSTEPS

Oh, someones coming. I’d better hide

Jack “hides” very obviously by putting a lampshade on his head.

Giant (off): Fee fi fo fumI smell the blood of an EnglishmanBe he alive or be he dead; I’ll grind his bones to make my breadI thought I heard an Englishman. Have you seen him any where?

FX: GIANT FOOTSTEPS OFF

Jack: Phew that was close. He doesn’t seem very big but he’s quite scary.He’s given me quite a fright; I think I’ve done a pooI’ve got to get out of here, even mummy is not this scary. Oh, there’s someone else now.He hides againEnter ELEANOR and Portia

Eleanor: He loves me he loves me not... He loves me he loves me not...(excited) He loves me... if only I knew who he wasOh Portia what’s to become of me, a lowly scullery maid; will I never meet a boy?

Portia: Of course you will. There’s someone out there for everyone, that’s what my mum always told me.

Eleanor: But how will I ever meet anyone? I rarely get to leave the kitchen and then the ex-giant mouldy wart makes me cook all the men that come around this way. For a little man he’s got an enormous appetite.

Portia: You never know who’s just around the corner.Eleanor: Well, usually it’s those awful henchmen. They’re always sneaking around and

sneaking up on people. Portia: And they’re so stupid. I caught one of them in the bathroom the other day throwing

breadcrumbs into the toilet. He said he wanted to feed the toilet duck. One of them didn’t even know how to make a sausage roll…

Eleanor: How do you make a sausage roll?Portia: Push it.Eleanor: Oh, Portia, you do make me smile. If it wasn’t for you my life here would be really

lonely. Ever since Mouldy Wart stole me from England to be his scullery maid my life has been one big disappointment. I never get to meet any men as they have all been to private schools.

Portia: Private schoolsEleanor: They’ve all been Eton. It’s a terrible mess. When will I ever get some excitement?

Portia: Ooops, speaking of excitement, I’ve left the oven too high it needs turning down; I’d best go and correct it or that old saying will come true. Red sky at night, the castle’s alight. Don’t you worry your pretty little head young Eleanor a man will turn up; just when you least expect it

Portia exits

Eleanor: Oh dear lord who’s up in heaven; please find someone I can dateI’m getting so old, I’m already twenty, and soon it’ll be too latePlease, please send me a man; I’ll leave it up to you

JACK goes and taps her on the shoulder she turns with a jump.

Eleanor: I don’t think much of your taste but I guess this one will have to do

She finishes her prayerEleanor: Who on Earth are you? You must hurry up and scarper

Otherwise the ex-giant that lives here will have you for his suh-pperJack: Hi, my name is Jack.Eleanor: Hi Jack.Jack: (Screams) Ahh. Hijack! Where?Eleanor: No, hi... Jack... helloJack: Ah, sorry. Tell me beautiful one why are you in distress.Eleanor: I’m in dis dress because I bought it yesterday. Do you like it?Jack: It’s lovely but I meant, why are you upset?Eleanor: It’s rather a long story and I don’t want to bore you with it but as you insist here goes

Many, many years ago when I was a little smallerI always dreamed of being a princess when I got a little tallerMy parents said it would happen and I only had to waitAnd then one day this giant appeared and both my folks he ateHe said he wasn’t going to eat me as I was too small to have for supperBut he bought me up to his palace so I’d be his slave as I grew uppaI have to cook up all the men folk on whom the giant likes to munchI have to cook them three times a day for breakfast, tea and lunch

Jack: Oh, he sounds really nastyEleanor: Oh he is. He’s even nastier than Simon CowellJack: Is he more evil than Piers Morgan?Eleanor: Don’t be silly. No one is that bad. But how did you get here?Jack: Well, it’s a funny story actually. Sold a cow for some magic beans, planted them,

turned into a beanstalk. Climbed up it. Here I am. Ta da.Eleanor: How is that funny?Jack: Hmm, let me try it again... (he puts on a stupid voice and clowns around) Sold a

cow for some magic beans, planted them, turned into a beanstalk. Climbed up it. Here I am. Ta da.

Eleanor: Oh, Jack. It’s a trap. You must be the boy Mouldy Wart has been talking about. He needs a boy who is pure of heart to make him a giant again.

Jack: Oh, I’m not afraid of an ex-giant. I am brave and completely fearless.

A sound. JACK shrieks and jumps into her arms.

Eleanor: Fearless eh? I find that hard to swallow; you’re such a scaredy catBut you seem to be quite handsome. I haven’t seen you around here before have I?

Jack: Well, I’ve never been around here before. Nice place... bit big.Eleanor: Oh, you have to go before he catches you.Jack: What harm could he actually do me anyway?Eleanor: Well, usually he starts by feeding you pizza and chips three times a dayJack: That doesn’t sound so badEleanor: And then he makes me fry some onions and mushroomsJack: Hmm, lovelyEleanor: And then he chops your head off and gives your body to me to cookJack: Ah. GulpsEleanor: Then he turns your blood into a sauce.Jack: I’ll roux that day but I’ll run that risk; if I can hold you evermore

Now tell me quickly what thy name is

Eleanor: Dear boy it’s Eleanor

Jack: That’s a lovely name. Eleanor...Ellie...Nory. Nory, nory that’s what you are (to the tune of glory, glory halleluiah)

A moment where they fall in love; they hold hands and raise a leg each and sigh together

Eleanor: Well, if you’re going to be my rescuer there are a few things you should knowJack: Right, I’m all ears; go on tell me; off you goEleanor: Well, although he is an evil fellow it’s not just Mouldy Wart you have to watch out for.Jack: No?Eleanor: No. He has nasty henchmen to do his dirty work. They may look like bumbling and

incompetent fools but don’t let that deceive you… they really are bumbling and incompetent fools.

Jack: Henchmen, rightEleanor: But it’s not all bad news. Mouldy Wart has three priceless possessions.Jack: If they’re priceless that’s no good. I need something of value.Eleanor: No, priceless means they are really expensive.Jack: What are they?Eleanor: Well, there’s a goose that lays golden eggs. A mirror that always tells the truth and a

magic harp that plays itself. It’s usually a little flat though, do you know how to tuner harp?

Jack: No, but I can tuna fish. Wow, just one of those things would solve mum and my financial woes. We’ll have so much money then I can start saving.

Eleanor: Well, if you feel like saving, I need rescuing.Jack: Then I shall start with you and the golden goose; I’ll break a golden egg into tiny

pieces and with the price of gold nowadays I’ll soon be rich as CroesusEleanor: Who?Prompt: King of Lydia, famous for his wealthEleanor: Ah, thanks

Voices off

Eleanor: Oh, dear I think I hear the evil henchmen; you must go and hideQuickly, here’s a box; get in

She helps Jack get into the box and then sits on top of it whistling

Enter HENCHMEN, looking suspiciously like the Marx Brothers

Together: We are the evil henchmen and you must remember thisWhenever it is we come on stage you must all boo and hiss

Boos and hisses follow

We are the evil henchmen; loyal servants of our masterIf you ever cross him you’ll meet with great disaster

Grouchy: My name is Grouchy Dolittle; I’m the brains behind this mobMy IQ is approaching 50; that’s how I got this job

Cheeky: Hello everybodies; I no from round this partsIt is a theez terrible accent that sets me quite apartI was born and raised in Italia; and I flew over here with fly-beBut these guys they no understand me; zey think I come from Derby

PINKY doesn’t speak

Cheeky: Hey Pinky, it’s a your turn.

PINKY looks sad

Cheeky: Hey whats’a the matter

PINKY pulls a fishing rod from out of his coat. There is no line

Cheeky: Ah, I see, you forget your line right?Grouchy: What all of them?

PINKY nods

Together: This is our good friend Pinky; he doesn’t speak he’s muteSo throughout our show this evening he will stand there looking cuteHe is an illiterate buffoon; he cannot read or writeBut if he finds you in a dark alley; he’ll give you such a frightWe are the giant’s guard dogs and our bite is worse than our barksWhen it comes to evil doing we always get top marks

Cheeky: Hey boss, what’s the worse crime you’ve ever doneGrouchy: I stole all the toilets from the police station.Cheeky: All the toilets eh? Did you get caughtGrouchy: No the police had nothing to go on

(to Pinky) How about you?

PINKY whispers in his ear, Grouchy slaps him

Grouchy: You should be ashamed of yourselfCheeky: What did he say boss

GROUCHY whispers in CHEEKY’S ear, CHEEKY slaps him

Cheeky: I need to wash my ears out

PINKY looks confused so taps CHEEKY on the shoulder and indicates he wants to hear what was being whispered. He’s shocked so slaps CHEEKY.

Enter QUASIMODO

Quasi: I’m sorry I’m late, it’s the bells you see. Someone took them out of my alarm.Grouchy: There’s an award for that.Quasi: What is it?Grouchy: The No-bell peace prizeCheeky: Hey Quasi. Where’sa thata girl you’ve been seeing?Quasi: Well, she had an uncle you see and he didn’t like me so he sent her to his mum’s

house so that she could keep her away from me..... She never let her out....Cheeky: You don’t mean.....Quasimodo: That’s right....His Ma ‘Eld ‘Er (Ezmerelda)

All 4 stamp and do hands on the punchline

Grouchy: So why are you here?

Quasi: I wanted to join the groupGrouchy: Oh Quasi... It’s HENCH-menQuasi: My mistake, it’s the bells you see they make me a bit deaf.Grouchy: PardonCheeky: Right Quasi, off you go.Quasi: He’s the chap who made me up.Cheeky: Who?Quasi: You go. Victor You Go (Hugo)Grouchy: Make yourself extinct, you need to be a quasi-dodo. Look I think someone’s stealing

your bottle of whiskeyQuasi: The Bells, the Bells

QUASIMODO exits and Grouchy spots Eleanor

Grouchy: Say what are you doing there?Eleanor: NothingGrouchy: Well, do it somewhere else

Eleanor exits looking worriedly at the box as she does so

Grouchy: Now then chaps our boss, the giant, thinks that there is an Englishman hiding here somewhere. Apparently he’s smelt him. We need to search the palace for him (walks over to the box).We will look everywhere (walks back). We shall leave no stone unturned (keeps walking over to the box and back). We shall look in every nook and cranny in every corner. Wherever he is we shall find him (ends by the box) and when we catch him we shall put him into this box. Right men. Off we go.

As they exit, enter ELEANOR, she knocks on the box

Eleanor: Jack, Jack. (No reply) Jack, Jack, what are you doing in there?

JACK pops his head out and beckons her with a finger.

Jack: Nothing. Come on in.

Eleanor: Come on, there’s work to be done; this is no time for shirkingBe careful of the henchmen; you can never tell where they’re lurking

JACK gets out of the box. He and ELEANOR run off

Fairy: So Jack and Eleanor looked around the castle to find the golden gooseBeing pursued by the evil henchmen who don’t want them on the looseWill our hero find the bird and stave off impending povertyIt’s all getting very exciting but you’ll have to wait and see

Enter JACK

Jack: Hi gang.... oh, not too loud we don’t want to alert those henchmenHave you seen a goose anywhere?You will let me know if you’ve seen it won’t you.

The goose sticks its head out from various places in the set the kids call out and Jack looks but it appears somewhere else.

Jack: Goosey! Goosey! Goosey, goosey gander.

He finds some feathers in a box

Jack: Oh, I must have just missed her

He sees the mirror

Oh, look at the mirror. Better check my hair. Do you think that Eleanor will like it?Magic Mirror: Yes she will.Jack: What did you say?Magic Mirror: I said she will. She will like your hair because she fancies you Jack.Jack: Oh, are you the magic mirror I was told about?Magic Mirror: Do you know of any other talking mirrors? Of course I am. Stupid boy.

I am the magic mirror and to any question, I will always tell the truthI can tell you what your heart desires or the secret of eternal youth

Audience questions? Forest scores etc

Mirror: Oh, one second, I have to read out this disclaimer. The mirror of truth is for entertainment purposes only and while may indeed be accurate some predictions may not actually come true.(to Jack) Hurry up and ask your question; I haven’t got foreverI’ll tell the truth no matter what so there’s no need to be too clever

Jack: So you have to tell me the truth… no matter what?Mirror: No matter what, yes.Jack: Well, where is the golden goose and how do I steal it?Mirror: The goose you seek will make you rich but it won’t make you happy It’s in that box over there you’ll have to be quick though so make it snappyJack: At Last I’ve found the magic goose; I must go take a ganderMirror: No it’s a goose; a gander is male

Jack: What noise does a goose make?Mirror: Geese honkJack: (Holding nose) Right

Jack opens the box

To steal the goose is what I’ll do; this task I’ll undertakeAnd when I take it home to mum; our fortune it will make

Jack: Hey Gang, I’m going to steal this goose ok but I need you to keep an eye out for those henchmen. You will let me know if you see anyone won’t you?

Jack gets the goose out of the box, as he does so Pinky enters with a huge net. He’s behind you etcHe catches Jack and blows his whistle. Eleanor enters and sees what’s happened so she clubs Pinky over the head and knocks him out.

Jack: Oh Eleanor, you saved me when I should be saving you.Eleanor: Oh, Jack, we have no time for this the other henchmen won’t be too far away.

Quickly, you must go now.Jack: But aren’t you coming with me?Eleanor: I can’t right now but Jack promise me you’ll come back for me.Jack: Oh Nory, of course I will and then we’ll elope.Eleanor: Oh Jack, if we were together forever I think that I could cope.Mirrror: I think I’m going to be sick.

They exit

Fairy: So Jack went quickly down the beanstalk and gave his mum the gooseBut the Giants henchmen won’t be happy with Jack still on the looseThe beautiful Nory has saved our hero from a fate much worse than deathAnd Jack has promised to return to the girl who leaves him without breathBut back at the castle the henchmen are about to discover the theftAnd when they do mad they’ll be; they’ll all be quite bereft

Pinky is still lying on the floor where Jack left him. Cheeky enters

Cheeky: Hey what’s a the matter. You no sleep on the job.

Pinky indicates the goose has been stolen

Cheeky: The goosea she been stolen. This is terrible, we need a to tell a de boss. Have you got a mobile?Pinky nods and pulls from his pocket a mobile that you dangle above a childs beds, on the mobile are loads of phones.

Cheeky: Thanks, we call him. Whaddya know? This phone it smarter than youTo the audience. Did you see him? What a we need is an artist, someone who can draw a very quick pictch. Any volunteers? Hey how a bout you? Gives an adult a pen and a wanted poster.

Cheeky: 1 min ok, the boss he going to be back any second. Now, when the boss he come back you no say anything ok?

Pinky nods

Cheeky: That’sa good, you got it right

Pinky sulks. Cheeky gives the phone to Grouchy to make a phone call just as Mouldy Wart enters. His phone rings. Grouchy talks to him oblivious to the fact he is right behind him

Grouchy: Hey boss,Mouldy: HelloGrouchy: I’ve got good news and bad news. Which would you like?Mouldy: The bad news.Grouchy: Oh, okay, the goose has been stolen and whoever did it has got away.Mouldy: And what’s the good news?Grouchy: I lied, there is no good news. Say, you sound very close. It’s almost like you’re right

next to me.Mouldy: I am

The henchmen see him and cower.Cheeky: Oh dear, he no happy.Mouldy: No, I’m not. Can’t you three do anything right? I bring him here all you have to do is

catch him. Can you do that? No. You couldn’t even catch a cold. Now,(to Pinkie) Now then you saw him yes? What did he look like?

Pinky thinks. Then gesturesMouldy: What’s he saying?

Cheeky: It’s ok. I speak mute. (to Pinky) Well, was he big or small

Pinky hands him a biro

Cheeky: Ahh, bic, I get it. What colour were his eyes.

Pinky puffs air into his face

Cheeky: Right, blue eyes. Anything else? Did you get his name?

Pinky pulls a Jack from his pocket.

Cheeky: Jack eh. Right we find him. Oh, and we have this pict. Takes it back from the audience member

Mouldy: Makes comment on the picture. Right. He can’t have gone far. You three better find him or else... Draws an imaginary knife across his throat. He exits

Grouchy: Right, gather round. A serious situation has occurredThe golden eggs have been poached

Cheeky: Is that why the guard has been scrambledGrouchy: Eggs-axctly. Our goose is cooked if the goose is not returned uncookedCheeky: You’re not yolking are you?Grouchy: No, we need to catch the thiefCheeky: He will not beat us. We’ll not be whipped. I dated an egg once.Grouchy: What was her name?Cheeky: Me-shellGrouchy: We’ll boil him alive when we catch him

Cheeky: And then after I can listen to my new record by the Humpty Dumpty’s.Grouchy: I’ve never heard it.Cheeky: It’s a great albumenGrouchy: Is that white? Enough. STOP IT... No more egg jokes.... That’s it.... Ova

Here is the plan listen carefully to our action. I want you to take this picture…. Say… who drew this, a four year old? You could be the new van gough you should van gough and learn how to draw properly… it’s not so much an old master more a young child. Mind you it does look like a Jackson Pollock... I said Pollock. You two. I want you to take this picture and go and find this man. I’ll teach him to steal the giant’s property.

Cheeky: I no think he needs lessons, he’s already pretty good.Grouchy: I want you to track him down.Cheeky: Hey that’ll be easy, Pinky here he got the nose of a bloodhound, and he got the face

of one to.Grouchy: When you find him you must shadow him.Cheeky: We’ll do that at the weekend boss.Grouchy: Why the weekend?Cheeky: It’s shadow-day. That’sa some joke hey.

Scene umm, lost countJack’s Hovel

Back at Jack’s hovel Jack and his mum are having a sing song

Jack and his mum: We’re in the money songWe're in the money, we're in the money; We've got a lot of what it takes to get along! We're in the money, that sky is sunny, Old Man Depression you are through, you done us wrong. We never see a headline about breadlines today. And when we see the landlord we can look that guy right in the eyeWe're in the money, come on, my honey, Let's lend it, spend it, send it rolling along! Oh, yes we're in the money, you bet we're in the money, We've got a lot of what it takes to get along! Let's go we're in the money, Look up the skies are sunny, Old Man Depression you are through, you done us wrong. We never see a headline about breadlines today. And when we see the landlord we can look that guy right in the eyeWe're in the money, come on, my honey, Let's lend it, spend it, send it rolling along!

Bert and Joyce enter

Bert: Here, we want a word with you. You still owe us £500. Jack: £500 eh. I think we can afford that but tell you what.Joyce: What?

More tom-foolery with the money. There follows lots of money changing hands etc with the debt collectors leaving with nothing more than they came with. Mathematical chicanery

Jack & Mum: Bye

Bert and Joyce exit, very confused. Jack and his mum hug

Mum: That was very well done Jack my boy I didn’t realise you were quite so cleverJack: It was something I saw on you tube.Mum: Really, well I never.Jack: The golden goose has made us rich and I’ll look after my lovely mumsieMum: I always knew that you’d come through; my lovely little Jacksie

Now we need to have a party to celebrate our little jackpotGo on out into town and find the villagers; let’s invite the lot

Jack exits

Fairy: So Jack and his mum now have money; their worries seem to have passedBut of course our story doesn’t end there that would be a little fastThe henchmen vowed to track Jack down; and the beanstalk they descendedPretty soon when they found his house they knew their search had ended

Jacks mum is hanging up bunting with Jack’s name on it as the evil henchmen appear

Grouchy: Good evening young lady.

Mum looks around indicates herself. Who me?

Mum: Me?

Grouchy: Why yes. I was walking along past your little house when I saw you. I thought, now there’s someone who’s all woman.

Mum: (to audience) If only he knew

Grouchy: I can see us now together. I can see you bending over a hot stove…. But I can’t see the stove. It looks like you’re throwing a party; is there a reason for the celebration?

Mum: It’s all so very exciting; you’ll have to forgive my jubilationIt’s just that yesterday we were poor but now it’s like we’ve won the lotteryMy boy Jack disappeared for a couple of hours but look what he has got meThat is why there is all this bunting up and look at all these banners

Grouchy: Can I get an invite?

Mum: Oh, of course you can, where are my manners? You seem to be a decent fellow you have a face that I can trust?Won’t you give me a little peck?

Grouchy: Do you really think I must?

He kisses her on the cheek

Mum: Oh, oh. I’m flattered; you’re a bit of a charmer aren’t you? Would you love me if I was poor.

Grouchy: I might but I’d keep my mouth shut. What do you say I take you out; I’ll show you a night on the tiles

Mum: What do you reckon, should he take me out? It’s been a little while

(Audience encouraged to respond No etc)

Mum: Tell you what I’ll let you take me out if you can guess my first name?

Grouchy: Umm, is it Fred?

Mum: Close but not quite

Grouchy: Is it Beyonce?

Mum: No

Grouchy: I’ve got it. It’s Annette

Mum: No it’s.....

Grouchy: Get her boys

All the time they are talking Pinky and Cheeky sneak up on her they capture her with the net. They put a bag over her head and drag her off

Grouchy: Well, that’s certainly an improvementMaybe I should put a bag on my head to in case hers falls off.

He does so. His bag has his face dawn on it.

As they exit Jack enters from the other side of the stage with the villagers

Jack: Mummy dear I’m home again and look I’ve found some matesMummy dear? Oh where can she be, my supper’s never late

Jack and his friends look everywhere for his mum.

Jack: Look at this bit of paper, can you read for me what is wrote

Villager: Certainly but Jack I fear; it looks like a ransom note(reading from the note)Fe fi fo foose, to the boy who stole my gooseGive it back it’s not yours to keep I want it now you little thiefWithout the return of my bird your mama will come to griefYou have one day to come and show your face up here at my castleMy golden goose for your darling mum; come on you thieving rascalLove and kissesThe Evil Mouldy Wart

Jack: So that’s what’s become of my darling mum, she’s in the giant’s lairHow absurd this golden bird is to bring me such despairEven though at heart a coward and not very braveMy mum she means the world to me so her I’ll go and saveWho of you among you will join me on my quest?Will you come and join me?

Villager: Jack, surely you do jest?We all have our homes down here and it’s your problem now to solveBut we shall all be thinking off you, good luck in your resolve

Jack: So alas I’m on my own and I guess it’s up to meTo go and face the giant alone, what will be will be

Villager: Well, there is no time like the present; from your path no turning backYou know what it’s time for you to do; better hit the road Jack

Song: Hit the Road Jack.

Hit the road Jack, make sure you come backWith mama mama mama mamaHit the road Jack, make sure you come back with your mum

Oh up at the top of that stalk so green, is the meanest old giant you’ve ever seen With a fee fi fum and fo, I’ll have to pack my things and go

Hit the road Jack, make sure you come backWith mama mama mama mamaHit the road Jack, make sure you come back with your mum

Lights down end of Act 1

Act 2

Scene 1 BBN

FAIRY RECAP ON THE FIRST HALF.

Fairy: You’ll remember when we left him; Jack he was in a little bit of a tizzHis mum has been captured by the evil henchmen; it’s such a nasty bizBut Jack has mustered all his courage and up the beanstalk he will goWhat fate awaits at its highest branch? Well, he really doesn’t knowIn Giant land the henchmen are well chuffed with their prizeAnd set about a trap for Jack it will be a nasty surpriseOur story now is far from done there is so much more to doLet’s see how it all works out as we crack on with more act 2

Scene 2 Henchmen with Jacks mum

The HENCHMEN enter with JACK’S MUM tied up. PINKY has a chair that they sit her on.

Grouchy: That’s right, sit her down over there

Pinky goes to sit in the chair but Cheeky snatches it away, Pinky falls on the floor

Cheeky: Hey that a chair’s not for you. Tie her up to it.The chair breaks and they go to reassemble it. One of the legs has come off.Cheeky: Do you have a hammer?From his coat Pinky pulls out a comedy hammer. Cheeky holds the leg of the chair.Cheeky: Right, when I nod my head. Hit it.

With the chair fixed. They get rope and Pinky proceeds to run around the chair tying Mrs Trott up. Unfortunately Cheeky is being caught up by the rope as well.

Cheeky: Hey not me you idiot (clips him around the head)

He untangles himself from the rope.

Cheeky: Do it again

This time Pinky is about to tie him up when Cheeky points at him. Pinky ducks behind his back and carries on tying up Jack’s mum. Cheeky has not noticed that his foot is inside a loop. As Pinky finishes he pulls hard on the end of the rope and sends Cheeky flying.

Cheeky: Hey, that’s a not funny

Grouchy: Knot funny… I like it. That reminds me of the young lass who hadn’t seen her sailor husband for ages. When he returned home she was wearing a very revealing slip knot

Cheeky: (to Mum) Now we got you good eh. Not even Houdini could escape this.Mum: Who?Cheeky: Dini. That’s rightGrouchy: Make sure those knots are fast; make sure they’re good and tight

Cheeky: When Jack he come to rescue you we give him such a fright

Mum: Oh I feel like a worm on a hook; used as bait for my only son

Grouchy: Don’t worry, you’ll escape easily……. knotPinky puts his thumbs up

Cheeky: What’s that you no say ahh, you think you’ve finally done?

Grouchy: Now, you two stand guard over the prisoner. Only let in the people who know the password. Now, we need a password. What is the password?

Cheeky: Ok.Grouchy: What?

Cheeky: You got it.Grouchy: The password is ok?Cheeky: SureGrouchy: Listen…(slowly) what is the password?Cheeky: Ok.Grouchy: The password is ok?Cheeky: SureGrouchy: What is it?Cheeky: YesGrouchy: Yes?

Cheeky nods

Grouchy: Listen tell me the passwordCheeky: WhatGrouchy: I said tell me the passwordCheeky: WhatGrouchy: (Shouting) Tell me the passwordCheeky: The password is what. Grouchy: That’s what I’m trying to find out. Cheeky: OkGrouchy: That’ll have to do. Listen, I don’t have time for this. Guard her while I go and get

orders from our master mouldy wart.

GROUCHY exits

Cheeky: Hey I’m a glad he’s gone he’s a given me such a headache with all his talking. What’sa good for a headache

Pinky pulls out the hammer and hits him on the head with it

Cheeky: I gotta headache now alright. Say do you never shut up.Listen, before the boss gets back what do you say we cooka the nice pasta yes?

Pinky nods

Cheeky: Yeah, you hungry (pinky nods again) yeah me to. Now…

There is a knock at the door

Cheeky: I can’t let anyone in. Eleanor: Oh, I’m nobody.Cheeky: Well if you’re nobody you’re not anyone. So I guess I can let you in but first you have

to tell me the passwordEleanor: What is the password?Cheeky: What do you know she got it right eh.Eleanor: Who’s this?Cheeky: This, oh, that’s Jack’s MumEleanor: (aside to the audience) Jack, oh, my beloved Jack. What’s she doing here?Cheeky: We captured her so that Jack will come to rescue her and when he does (Pinky

bangs his hands together). We get him.

Eleanor: (aside to the audience) Oh, my beloved Jack being led into a trap. I must think of someway to warn him so that he can rescue his mum and avoid these evil henchmen.

Cheeky: (steps closer to her while she is talking) Hey, we’re right here you know.Eleanor: Oh, did you hear all that. Cheeky: I think so, let me see. (imitates her) Oh, my beloved Jack being led into a trap. I

must think of someway to warn him so that he can rescue his mum and avoid these evil henchmen…. Yep, think I got it all.

Eleanor: But that’s terrible.Cheeky: Hey I think I did it pretty well

Eleanor: Please, you mustn’t tell anyone. What will it take to get you to shut up?

Cheeky: Well, I don’t know lady, my silence has a price.

Eleanor: Here take this bag of money.

Cheeky: (indicating Pinky) But what about him?

Eleanor: He doesn’t speak does he?

Cheeky: No… but he might.

Eleanor: Ok, we’ll split it between you. Anyone else?

Cheeky: Well, let’s see. You heard it as well so you could talk to.

Eleanor: Right, a third each.

Cheeky: A third! A third! That’s’a not so much. I want more. I won’t do it for less than a tenth.

Eleanor: Done.

Fx: Footsteps

Cheeky: Quick, our boss is coming back we can’t let him catch you here.

Eleanor: What will you give me to go?

Cheeky: (Gives her back the money) Here

Eleanor: Thanks. Ta ta

ELEANOR exits. There is another knock at the door.

Cheeky: Who is it?

Grouchy: It’s I, Grouchy Dolittle. Let me in.

Cheeky: You tella me the password and I let you in.

Grouchy: (thinking that this is the password) Ok

Cheeky: I’m waiting

Grouchy: (louder) Ok.

Cheeky: Our boss said don’t let anyone in without the password

Grouchy: What!

Cheeky: Ah, now I let you in.

Grouchy: Who was that girl who was leaving as I arrived?

Cheeky: There was no one here boss.

Grouchy: But I saw her with my own eyes

Cheeky: Well who you gonna believe… me or your own eyes? Did you finda the boss boss?

Grouchy: I did. I have just returned from the ex-Giant Mouldy Wart and he’s very upset about the theft of his golden goose.

Cheeky: This Jack is on the loose with the golden goose

Grouchy: That’s right. He’s having a nap now but as soon as he wakes up he’ll be hungry and he wants a Jack in the lunchbox.

Cheeky: The giant he hasa bigga lunchbox eh boss?

Grouchy: Now all we have to do is wait for Jack to arriveWhen he finally gets here he’s in for a big surpriseIt’s been a very long day with all this seeking and lookingNow we need some wholesome food; Cheeky what you cooking?

Cheeky: I’ll makea the pasta, everyone likes pasta. Tell you what, I’ll makea mamma’s special pasta sauce.

Grouchy: Ok, what do we need for that?

Cheeky: Well, first we need the pasta (puts a handful in the saucepan.)We need more than that.

Tips loads in goes through a bottomless saucepan.

Cheeky: Hey, you hungry yes.

Grouchy: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse if it’d stay still furlong enough.

They set about cooking the pasta getting pots and pans etc while singing Hey Macaroni (to the tune of the macarenna). The henchmen cook the pasta sauce but it ends up being poured down their trousers and general tomfoolery.

Fairy: So Jack ascended up the beanstalk with his courage at fall musterTo retrieve his mum and girlfriend; my word he’s got some gutsa

The evil henchmen have laid a trap; but will brave Jack fall in itOr will he triumph and save the day; Nory’s heart will he win it?

SCENE 3 THE GIANT’S CASTLE

Reveal Eleanor, Jack enters

Eleanor: Oh Jack, Jack you’ve returned but I almost wish you never hadI’ve overheard them plotting and their plans for you are bad.They’ve captured your darling mum and they’re using her as baitYou’ve really must get out of here; quick before it is too late

Jack: Not to fear dear Eleanor; their brains are no match for mine. I have a plan.Eleanor: You do?Jack: Yes. I’m going to find my mum and save her.Eleanor: Is that it?Jack: Yes.Eleanor: It’s a bit lacking in the detailsJack: Any ideas.Eleanor: It’s not going to be easy. Those henchmen are guarding her.Jack: Which one is in charge?Eleanor: I don’t know. When you’ve seen one henchman you’ve seen them all.They all look

the same to me. An idea

Eleanor: What a minute.Jack: What?Eleanor: All his henchmen do look the same. They’re all wearing masks.Jack: Umm, I still don’t get it.Eleanor: Don’t you see. You could disguise yourself as a henchman and then go and rescue

your mum.Jack: Nory, that’s brilliant.Eleanor: See, I’m not just a pretty face. Here put these on.

Jack gets dressed up as a henchman

Eleanor: Excellent. Right, now let’s go and rescue your mum.

They run off

Fairy: Let us take a moment now to bring you up to speedWhile Jack attempts to save his mum; what a heroic deedThe bad guys they are lying in wait for Jack to rear his headIf they manage to catch him the Giant wants him deadBut Eleanor is a clever girl and will never let that beShe’s not going to let her beloved Jack become the Giant’s tea

Scene 5

Jack enters to find his mum tied up to the chair. She is gagged.

Jack: There she is.

He releases her gag

Mum: Unhand me you evil henchman; you can’t do this to me

Jack: Mum, mum it’s me; it’s Jack your son

Mum: Oh Jack is it really you? I didn’t recognise you. Quick get these ropes undone(Starts nagging him) Anyway where have you been I’ve been tied up like that for ages and ages and I bet you’ve been sitting around playing on your xbox…. Moan moan moan

Jack puts the gag back on her before untying her

Jack: That’s better. Now we have to steal the magic mirror and the golden harp

Mum: Oh Jack, I thought I brought you up better than this; we don’t steal things. We’re not from St Annes you know. We’ll have to go to the doctor’s to cure your kleptomania?

Jack: I ‘ve been but he didn’t have anything I could take.Mum: You know my principles Jack never steal.Jack: But mummy dear, there’s a magic mirror and it always tells the truth, we can use it to

make a fortune couldn’t we?Mum: A fortune! In that case, I do have other principles. Where is it?Jack: It’s over there, you go on ahead and I’ll be right behind you.

He pulls his mask back down and goes to the mirror; he takes it from its stand and carries it off stage. We hear a crash. Jack comes back with an empty frame.

Jack: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. That’s seven years bad luck. I’ll put it back just in case anyone notices.

As he puts the mirror back on the stand one of the henchmen appears. Jack ducks down below the frame. The henchman removes his mask and wipes sweat from his brow; we see it’s Grouchy. He puts his mask back on. Jack takes the opportunity to sneak off just as Grouchy turns and sees him on the other side of the mirror. Suspicious he takes a step closer. Jack mirrors his movements. Throughout the next scene Jack copies the increasingly bizarre movements that Grouchy does to try to catch him out. Grouchy raises his left hand, then his right. Then quickly raises both hands together. He turns and thinks. Turning back to the mirror he stretches out his hand to touch the “glass”. So does Jack. Their hands meet and circle round. Grouchy breathes on a bit of the mirror and together they wipe it. Grouchy nods, thinking. An idea! He turns back to the mirror and claps his hands. Then again. Then 3 times in a row. He then claps three times but his hands miss each other on the last one, so do Jacks. Hands on hips; he will not be out witted. He breaks into the Charleston and ends with a spin. Jack is too late to spin so just ends in the finish position. Grouchy thinks once more, another idea. One certain to fool him this time. He turns back to the mirror and whips off his mask to reveal his bespectacled and moustachioed face. Jack however also has a moustache and glasses. They end up pointing at each other thinking they’ve fooled them but

then Jack laughs so much. The other two henchmen appear and escort him off while he is laughing.

Fairy: This really is very bad news; it looks like Jack’s in troubleHe’s been captured by the giants henchmen and needs help on the double

Scene 6

Executioner illusion

Cheeky: Hey boss, we gotta him. What a do you want us to do with him.

Grouchy: Put him in Mouldy Wart’s lunchbox. It’s not as big as Lindford Christie’s but it’ll have to do.

Jack: Get off me you fools, Unhand me you fiends; I insist you let me go

Grouchy: Not likely young Jack, that’s never going to happen; I really don’t think so

They tie a gag around his mouth.

Cheeky: Hey boss, that must be the newest gag in the show.

They then put him in a sack and then into the box.

Eleanor: Oh this really is too much, I cannot bear to seeMy beloved Jack in a box served to the giant for teaHow I wish there was a Fairy to save him in my time of woeAs I cannot persuade the evil henchmen that they should let him go

As if by magic (not) a fairy appears she has wings and is wearing lots of furs

Fairy: Did someone call for me; for whom have I been sent?

Eleanor: Who are you?

Fairy: I’m the furry godmother

Eleanor: Really, I think that one’s still moving. Oh what’s that fur?

Fairy: It’s fur keeping me warm.

Eleanor: Did it cost much?

Fairy: No, my friend took it, it’s a fur stole.

Eleanor: Oh maybe you can help me; my beloved Jack is in a boxAnd there’s no way I can get him out I’m so useless at picking locks

Fairy: Not to worry you darling girl just leave it all to meNow boys and girls, mum’s and dad’s let’s all count to three.

By now Grouchy is standing on top of the box. Pinky and Cheeky hand him the screen and he raises it up above head height.

All: One

He brings it down again and looks around, once more he raises it up.

All: Two

Again Grouchy lowers the screen and raises it up.

All: Three

This time the screen goes down to reveal Jack. He lowers the screen completely and jumps down to go to Eleanor

Eleanor: Oh Jack, Jack you’ve been saved; I thought you were surely deadThank you so much oh furry godmother you did exactly as you saidBut where did Grouchy go?

There is a banging from the box

Mum: He sounds like a man in need. Let’s see if I can’t get a date.Coo-ee. Are you in there?

Jack and Eleanor look at each other. What a stupid question.

Mum: Knock once for no and twice for yes (2 knocks) Do you fancy me? (Knock) Will you take me on a date? (Knock) Will you kiss me? (Knock) Do you want me to let you out? (Knock, knock) That’s I thought. Shall we try those questions again then? Do you fancy me? (knock, knock) Will you take me on a date? (Knock, knock) Will you kiss me? (knock, knock, knock, knock…. Keeps knocking) Oh, he sounds very keen

Eleanor: He’s running out of air. We’d better let him out.

They undo the box and the sack and release Grouchy, they remove the gag

Mum: Come on out you gorgeous man; come on stop you’re hidingI know you’re a nasty man but my heart beat’s not subsiding

Grouchy: Oh it was terrible in there, it was so dark and I couldn’t see and there were things crawling around…and I was really scared but you… you saved me. How can I ever repay you?

Mum: You could marry me?

Grouchy thinks

Grouchy: Well, maybe it wasn’t so bad in the box.

Mum: Ok, not marriage but you could at least take me on a date.

Grouchy: Say, with all the money you’ve got now you should take me on a date. There’s a lovely Michelin restaurant I know.

Mum: A Michelin restaurant, it must be good.

Grouchy: Not really, the food tastes like rubber, but that’s alright because my cheque will bounce.

Mum: Well, if you’re going to take me out to dinner there are a few things I insistI’m only used to dating nice men so your evil ways you must desistOn this I am quite adamant and my authority I will assertOr else for dinner there’ll be no starters; you’ll get your just desserts

Grouchy: While I was trapped in that box alone I had time to do some thinkingBetween my wicked ways and sadness there seems to be some linkingAs long as I do bad things then I’ve no hope of finding romanceBut now you’re standing here before me; what happy circumstanceHaving stopped to think about it, I see there is no money now in crimeAnd a quiet life in the country would be a nice way to spend the timeGo on then, I’ll do it for you; and my evil ways I will renounce

Mum: Hooray, at last we can date; and upon you I can pounce

Cheeky: I hate to be a killjoy and to break up a party is quite rottenBut something seems to have slipped our minds; there’s one thing we’ve forgottenAll the time you’ve been talking the giant has been fast asleepBut now it seems that he’s waking up; we’re all in trouble deep

Mouldy: Fe fi fo fong; what on earth is going on?

All: Ahhh

The men jump into the arms of their women. Grouchy and Cheeky both jump into each others arms and end up on the floor.

Giant: Fee fi fo fine; on you all I shall dine

All: RUN!

Chaos ensues as they all try to escape, they bounce off each other, fight each other to get to the exits. Eventually Eleanor sorts them all out and ushers them off

Fairy: Across the land Mouldy Wart gave chase; hounding them all the wayBut they managed to reach the beanstalk that in the wind did swayThey hurried down and reached the ground but then upon looking upThe giant was chasing down after them; he wasn’t giving up

Jack: Quick mum, get an axe. Quickly, he’s coming

Mum: Here you go.

Jack chops away at the beanstalk and it falls to the ground with a mighty crash. A giant boot falls down.Silence then

All: Hooray. Whoo etc

Jack: Well the evil giant is finally dead this calls for a celebrationCome on and join our song; no need for hesitiation

Audience sing along: Is this the way to Amarillo or whatever the big song of the day is

During the Fairys speech each group comes forward to take their bows

Fairy: So alas we’ve come to the end but before we leave this happy bandLet’s see what happened to all the characters that live in panto landThe goose and the magic mirror retired together and lived quietly in the country And lived off scrambled golden eggs that they had with crumpets for their teaIt was truly idyllic setting and the magic mirror in their future saw no wrongBut with them eating eggs three times a day there was always a funny pongDaisy the cow made her home living happily amongst the camelsAnd Daisy proved to be quite popular as she was such a different mammalThe villagers turned the dead giant’s body into a playground for the kidsWho loved their new amusement park and banged sticks against his ribsThe henchmen didn’t quite renounce their evil ways they turned instead to educationSo that way they could be mean and nasty to little children but still have long vacationsJacks Mum and Grouchy tied the knot and now they live happily in wedded blissBut she did better out of it as everything that’s hers is hers and so is everything that’s hisOf course the lovebirds Jack and Eleanor got married and everyone tells the storyOf how happy they now both are together as everyone loves Jack n NorySo there it is we’re finally done and our story has finally endedWe hope you have enjoyed the show; as an audience you’ve been splendidNow it’s time to leave our tale while the townsfolk celebrateSome of you have work tomorrow; we don’t want you up too lateWe’d like to take this opportunity as it’s the season of good cheerTo wish you all a very merry Christmas and of course a happy New Year.

Final song: We wish you a merry christmas