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ACT ONE 1:30P.M. On A Monday. Philadelphia, PA. PADDY'S PUB. DENNIS, CHARLIE, AND MAC ARE STANDING AROUNDTHE BAR.
CHARLIENo! What part do you guys notunderstand?
MAC
Charlie, it's not that we don'tunderstand what you're saying;it's that what you're saying iswrong.
DENNIS
So very, very wrong.
CHARLIESo you're saying that if asquirrel had sex with a snake,they wouldn't have a little babyferret.
DENNIS
That's exactly what we're saying.In this situation, which creatureis the mother and father?
CHARLIE
Well, the snake is obviously thedad. How would it even work if thesnake was the mom?
MAC
(Raising his voice)How would it work either way? One,snakes don't have arms or legs.How would it support itself on topof a squirrel?
DENNIS
No, Mac, you're getting off track.A snake is a reptile. A squirrelis a woodland creature. No part ofthese animals is compatible.
CHARLIE
I mean, society might not acceptit, but —
Dee bursts into the bar.
DEEGuys, I have a big announcement.
DENNIS
Dee, where the hell have you been?We're slammed in here.
(Camera pans to show oneman sitting at a table)
DEE
I had an audition. I've beentalking about it for weeks.
DENNIS
Doesn't ring a bell.
DEESo, I had this audition to be insome politician's ad, and it wentreally well.
CHARLIE
Wait, so you're going to be in acommercial?
DEE
Oh, no, I didn't get the part. Ijust only threw up in the car alittle instead of a lot. No, whatwent really well is that I had agreat idea to get my acting careeroff the ground. See, there hasjust been one problem all theseyears.
MAC
You're not pretty.
DENNISNot talented.
CHARLIE
Not funny.
GUY AT TABLENot friendly.
Everyone turns to look at the man at the table. After apause –
DEENo, jerks. I've never been fullycommitted to any of my roles. I'vealways moved on to the next thing.
(MORE)
2.
DEE (CONT'D)It's one of my old characters, butI'm really going to flesh her outthis time.
DENNIS
Oh, no. Don't tell me you'rebringing back –
DEE
Martina Martinez. What's the worstthat could happen?
SWEET DEE GETS DEPORTED TITLE SEQUENCE ROLLS CHARLIE AND FRANK'S APARTMENT. DAY. CHARLIE ENTERS. FRANKIS SITTING ON THE COUCH, TALKING ON THE PHONE.
FRANKAnd muchos grazzias to you, too.
Frank hangs up the phone.
CHARLIEWhat's going on? You're talkingSpanish now?
FRANK
I found a new investment, I wastalking to my new employee.
CHARLIE
What kind of investment, dude?
FRANKTacos. Everyone loves tacos, andMexicans love making them. Ifigured - why not get in on someof that?
CHARLIE
Yeah, that's smart. So, like, aMexican guy is gonna come here andmake us tacos, or –
3.
FRANKNo, no. Taco carts. I stopped fora quick bite on my way home fromlunch and met this guy namedPancho selling tacos. I loaned himsome money, and his kids are goingto start selling tacos in otherneighborhoods.
CHARLIE
You're going to have kids workingfor you?
FRANK
They're forty years old. Adults,working for their father'sbusiness selling addictive,unhealthy garbage. A couple oflosers.
CHARLIE
All this talk is making me hungry.You wanna get something to eat?
DEE'S APARTMENT. DENNIS AND MAC ARE SITTING IN THE LIVINGROOM
MACHey, Dee? When is the pizzagetting here?
DENNIS
Yeah, Dee, when is the pizzagetting here?
DEE
(From bedroom)Soon, guys. I ordered it justbefore you got here. RememberCrazy Paddy? How quickly did Igive up on that?
MAC
Oh, super fast.
DENNISYou see, the problem there wastwofold. Not only did you give upincredibly quickly, but "Paddy" isa man's name. So you not onlycan't commit to a character, youalso can't commit to doing even aminuscule amount of research intoIrish culture.
4.
MACAnd since Paddy's is an IrishCatholic bar –
DENNIS
We're not going over this again.
DEE(From bedroom)
Can I tell my story? I'm going toreally bear down and work on this.No more making it up as I go, I'mgoing to write a script, andrecord it, and then sell it to acable network for a shit-ton ofmoney.
MAC
Oh, Dee, I've got a great idea foryour show. You know that pretty TVwriter who made a show about beinga pretty TV writer that everyonepretends isn't pretty? Dosomething like that.
DEE
(from bedroom)No, I already know what I'm goingto do.
Dee steps into living room. Her hair is dyed jet black.
MACWhoa, what the hell happened toyour head?
DENNIS
This not a good look for you.
DEEI'm committing. Martina Martinezisn't a gorgeous blonde woman witha black wig, she is a sassyLatina.
DENNIS
Yeah, well you're still pale asshit and there isn't enough shoepolish in the world to cover thatpasty skin.
5.
DEEI'll have you know that I amprepared for that. I bookedtanning sessions every day thisweek.
Mac stands next to Dee, facing Dennis
MACWell, Dee, I for one admire yourcommitment to this role. We mightjust have the next un-pretty TVstar here.
Mac turns to Dee.
MAC (CONT'D)Now, where is that pizza?
DEE
Oh, there was no pizza. I knew youdickbags wouldn't come overwithout it.
DENNIS
You bitch. ALLEY BEHIND PADDY'S. DAY. TWO TACO CARTS ARE LINED UPAGAINST THE WALL. FRANK, PANCHO, AND HIS TWO ADULTCHILDREN, DIONISIO AND DIANA, ARE STANDING.
FRANKAll right, listen up! You don'tlike me, and I don't like you.
DIONISIO
I like you.
FRANKWell, you shouldn't. We're here tosell tacos to the people ofPhilly. You know how to maketacos?
DIANA
Yes, Mr. Frank. We make tacos.
FRANKWell making tacos is the easypart. The hard part is sellingthem. We're gonna do a littlerole-play. Get behind your carts.
6.
Dionisio and Diana stand behind the carts. Frank turnstoward the door.
FRANK (CONT'D)Charlie! We're ready.
Charlie enters from the bar door, wearing an ill-fitting,garish suit.
FRANK (CONT'D)Charlie is an importantbusinessman, and you need to lurehim in to sell him a taco.
CHARLIE
Frank, I thought we decided I wasgoing to be a lawyer.
FRANK
It doesn't matter what you are,we're role-playing.
CHARLIE
This seems like a violation of ouragreement, vis-a-vis the terms ofengagement and -
FRANK
Fine, Charlie. Be a lawyer. Be alawyer, buy a taco.
Charlie walks to the end of the alley. He comes to a fullstop, pivots, and begins walking toward the group with apompous look.
DIONISIOMister, taco? Delicious tacotoday?
CHARLIE
(In a faux high-classaccent)
Tacos? What is this street food? Iam a sophisticated lawyer withimportant lawyering to do. I can'twaste my time with this peasantfood.
Charlie puffs out his chest, grabs the edges of his jacket,and begins walking
DIANATaco! Beef, tomato, cheese!
7.
Charlie stops quickly and turns toward Diana with a raisedeyebrow.
CHARLIEMy dear girl, did you say cheese?
DIANA
Cheese, yes.
FRANKI think we're ready.
MARIACHI VERSION OF "EYE OF THE TIGER" PLAYS OVER MONTAGE.DIANA, DIONISIO, AND PANCHO OPERATING INDIVIDUAL STANDS.DEE GOES TANNING. FRANK HIRES A NEW TACO CART. DEE GOESTANNING. CHARLIE EATING SHREDDED TACO CHEESE. DEE GOESTANNING. GARAGE STOCKED WITH A FLEET OF TACO CARTS ANDEMPLOYEES. DEE GOES TANNING. SPLIT SCREEN SHOTS OF"PANCHO'S TACOS," NEAR PADDY'S, AND A VERY TAN DEE. FRANK, CHARLIE, AND PANCHO STAND IN A LINE FACING PANCHO'STACOS. MAC AND DENNIS STAND FACING DEE.
CHARLIE, MAC, DEE(Synchronized, in splitscreen)
We did it. Frank and Pancho silently turn to look at Charlie.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO PANCHO'S TACOS (INTERIOR) PANCHO, DIONISIO, AND DIANA ARESITTING AT THE BAR. CARLOS BURSTS IN THROUGH DOOR.
CARLOS(In Spanish, withsubtitles)
Big problem, guys. Huge, hugeproblem.
PANCHO
(In Spanish, withsubtitles)
What? What's going on?
CARLOS(In Spanish, withsubtitles)
(MORE)
8.
CARLOS (CONT'D)Man, you don't want to know. It'sbad.
DIONISIO
(In Spanish, withsubtitles)
Carlos, stop being stupid.
DIANA(In Spanish, withsubtitles)
Don't rush up here if you're notgoing to say anything.
CARLOS
(In Spanish, withsubtitles)
The food - the beef, the pork, thetomatoes... the cheese! They areeverywhere.
(no subtitles)Las ratas.
FRANK AND CHARLIE'S APARTMENT. FRANK IS SMOKING A CIGAR.CHARLIE IS EATING A BLOCK OF CHEESE. STACKS OF MONEY ARE ONTHE TABLE. THE TELEPHONE RINGS.
FRANK(On the phone)
Pancho! My main man.(Pauses)
What? All of it?(Pauses)
I'm on the way. Frank hangs up the phone and turns to Charlie.
FRANK (CONT'D)We've got rats.
Charlie pulls his rat stick from behind the couch.
CHARLIELet's roll.
PADDY'S PUB. DENNIS, MAC, AND DEE ARE SITTING AT THE BAR.
MACHow's the TV show going, Dee?
9.
DEEGood. Real good. Got lots ofideas.
DENNIS
You don't have shit.
DEEWell, that's... true. Look,writing is harder than I thought.
DENNIS
So you've dyed your hair. You'veroasted yourself in a tanning bedlike a turkey -
MAC
Oh! I've been waiting to call herthat all day. You look like aturkey.
DENNIS
- And now you have no idea what todo for this TV show you'vecommitted to making.
DEE
Writing a TV show is hard. Youwrite and write and write, andthen you read it and it's only twopages long and it's garbage.
DENNIS
Keep working on it in, sis. Thenyou'll have four pages of garbage.
A low roar is heard outside, with unintelligible voices andchanting. The Dennis, Dee, and Mac look toward the door.
DEEWhat's going on out there?
MAC
Are we being attacked?
DENNISFrank must be involved in this.
DEE
Bring the camera.
10.
STREET IN FRONT OF PANCHO'S TACOS. A CROWD OF TACO MAKERSHOLDING SIGNS AND CHANTING SURROUND THE BUILDING. A FEWTACO CARTS ARE IN THE MIDDLE. Mac, Dennis, and Dee approach the crowd.
DENNISSo you're just giving up onwriting a script and jumping rightback into making it up as you go.
DEE
Martina Martinez's viewers willwant to know about this. Starttaping.
MAC
Guys, I think that's my cousinover there.
DENNIS
That guy? How many cousins do youhave?
MAC
My aunt banged some Mexican dudeand got knocked up.
(toward a man in thegroup)
Hey! Ronaldo! A Mexican man wearing a t-shirt with cut-off sleeves turnsand walks toward Mac.
RONALDOCousin Mac! What are you doinghere?
MAC
We run the bar down the street.Hey, do you want to be on a dumbTV show?
VIEW FROM CAMERA. DEE AND RONALDO FACE CAMERA WITH CROWDAND PANCHO'S BEHIND HER.
DEE(As Martina Martinez)
Hello Philadelphia. MartinaMartinez here, outside of Pancho'sTacos, where something big isgoing down.
(to Ronaldo)(MORE)
11.
DEE (CONT'D)Ronaldo, what is up with thesepeople?
RONALDO
Well, Martina, these are theemployees of Pancho's Tacos. Theysay they are finding rat droppingsand hair in the food they aregiven for their taco carts.
DEE
(As Martina Martinez)Ooh... dat's no good. Ronaldo, doyou work for Pancho's?
RONALDO
No, no. I am here with my... "goodfriend." I like sausage, nottacos.
Camera cuts to Mac and Dennis. Mac grins and gives Ronaldoa thumbs-up, Dennis raises an eyebrow. Camera returns toDee and Ronaldo. Behind them, the crowd erupts and boos. Dee pushes Ronaldoout of frame.
DEE(As Martina Martinez)(To Ronaldo)
Get outta here.(To camera)
It looks like some white guy justcame out of the restaurant. What'she gonna do?
Frank climbs on top of a chair. Charlie and Pancho stand onthe ground next to him.
FRANK(with a bad Mexicanaccent)
Attencion! Mexicanos!(in his normal voice)
We have heard your complaints. Myassociates and I want to make surePancho's can put this nastybusiness behind us and startselling delicious street tacosagain.
MAN IN CROWD
What are you going to do?
12.
FRANK(in megaphone)
I have already made all thenecessary phone calls.
In the distance, police sirens are heard, growing louder.
FRANK (CONT'D)(in megaphone)
I hope you all have papers. A squad of law enforcement vehicles surround the crowd.Police and immigration officers rush out and beginhandcuffing people.
DENNISShit. Dee, Mac, we've got to getout of here.
UNKNOWN VOICE
Hold it. Camera turns to show an immigration officer standing behindMac, Dennis, and Dee.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE PADDY'S PUB. MAC, DENNIS, CHARLIE ARE AROUND THE BAR.CHARLIE IS STILL WEARING HIS SUIT. Frank enters rapidly.
FRANKWhy are you sitting around? We'vegot tacos to sell!
DENNIS
What are you talking about? Thetacos were your thing. We're doingour own thing.
FRANK
You're drinking beer.
MACYeah. That's our thing.
FRANK
What about you, Charlie? You werein on the taco cart idea.
13.
CHARLIEI've decided to take my businessexperience and amortize that into a bigger, more lucratiousopportunity.
FRANK
What are you talking about?
CHARLIEI'm gonna get a law degree online.
MAC
Yeah, that's probably not going tohappen.
DENNIS
His application letter says "MeCharlie, want lawyer become. Giveme learning. Birds are lawying."
CHARLIE
Well, that's just a rough draft.
FRANKDennis, where's your sister?
DENNIS
Oh, you didn't hear? She gotpicked up by immigration at theprotest.
FRANK
For what?
MACShe made herself look like aMexican for a TV show.
FRANK
Well that was dumb.
DENNISWhat about you? You had all ofyour employees arrested? Is anyoneleft?
FRANK
Just me and Pancho's two kids.Turns out they were born here.Pancho's gone, though.
CHARLIE
I might be willing to take a lookat Pancho's case, Frank.
14.
FRANKNah, I'm good.
MAC
You know, Dennis, I think maybe weshould switch over to Frank'sthing.
DENNIS
I'm not really into doing work, orserving people, but I also don'twant to listen to Charlie'snonsense rambling about the law.
FRANK
I'll get you some aprons. PRISON. DEE IS SITTING ON A BENCH IN A CROWDED CELL. Charlie enters.
CHARLIEHey, Dee!
Dee gets up from the bench and rushes to the cell door.
DEECharlie, what are you doing here?
CHARLIE
I'm getting you out. As yourlawyer -
DEE
You're not a lawyer.
CHARLIE- it is my duty to defend yourhonor.
DEE
Well, it's not really my honor atstake here.
CHARLIE
What kind of evidence do they haveon you?
DEE
Evidence? They don't haveanything. They think I'm anillegal immigrant. They took mycamera, my purse -
15.
CHARLIEWhoa. Shut up. Your camera? Likeyour video camera?
DEE
Yeah. Why? Charlie turns and rushes away. OFFICE. CHARLIE AND A PRISON GUARD ARE LOOKING AT A TVSCREEN.
CHARLIEIf you will look at that tape, youwill see that my client is notMexican.
GUARD
We've looked at the tape. It'sthis same lady, always looking thesame. One time there was someidiot in a green body suit, butthat's it.
PRISON CELL. DEE IS STANDING AT THE DOOR.
DEEWhy did you just walk away?
CHARLIE
I thought the tape would show youlooking normal, but it was justmore Martina Martinez.
DEE
Uh, duh. It's my Martina Martineztape.
CHARLIE
All right. New plan.
DEEWhat is it?
CHARLIE
No, that was a question. Do youhave a new plan?
DEE
You're claiming to be my lawyer,but you don't have any idea how toget me out of here?
16.
CHARLIEDee, I am a professional, so Iwon't yell at you, but you arebeing a god damn bitch right now.Now, I'm willing to take on yourcase, pro Bono, but you are goingto have to be more cooperative.
DEE
Pro "Bono?"
CHARLIEYeah. You know, 'cause Bono isalways helping Mexicans and stuff.
DEE
It's "pro bono," you idiot. Getout of here.
DEE'S APARTMENT. MAC AND CHARLIE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCHDRINKING BEER.
MACDo you even like tacos?
DENNIS
Of course not. All that grease andcheese? It would destroy myphysique. My body is a finelytuned machine, and only the finestfuels go in it.
Frank walks in.
DENNIS (CONT'D)Frank? What are you doing at Dee'sapartment?
FRANK
I'm getting a beer. It's hot outthere. What are you doing?
MAC
We're drinking Dee's beer too.
FRANKAren't you supposed to be runningone of my taco carts?
DENNIS
Frank, we thought about that. Wewent out, we sold tacos, and itjust wasn't for us.
(MORE)
17.
DENNIS (CONT'D)So we considered - "What doesFrank want?"
MAC
At first, we thought you wouldwant to hire a bunch of people torun the carts.
DENNIS
But that seemed like a lot ofwork, managing all those newemployees.
MAC
So we decided to sell the cart fora wad of cash.
FRANK
You sold it?
DENNISDon't look at it as selling thecart, Frank. Look at it as sellingthe entire company, which we did.All that's left is the cart you'vebeen pushing around today.
Charlie enters.
CHARLIEFrank? Mac and Dennis? What areyou guys doing here?
FRANK
These are my new businesspartners. We liquidated thecompany.
CHARLIE
You sold off Pancho's? The companybuilt on my blood, sweat, andtears?
FRANK
You shouldn't have been bleedingall in my restaurant, Charlie.I've moved on, just like you. Howis your "law" career going?
CHARLIE
I'll have you know I'm doing verywell. My client is pretty close tobeing exacerbated.
18.
DENNISI'm sure your client isexacerbated already. What are youdoing here?
CHARLIE
I need Dee's passport to prove sheisn't a Mexican and get her out ofjail.
MAC
Top drawer of her dresser, whereshe keeps her emergency thousanddollars.
Dennis nudges Mac.
MAC (CONT'D)Hundred dollars. One hundredemergency dollars.
Charlie rushes into Dee's bedroom. Frank turns to Dennisand Mac.
FRANKSo what do you want to do now?
PRISON. DEE IS LEANING INTO CELL DOOR, FACE PRESSED BETWEENBARS. Charlie rushes toward her.
CHARLIEDee! I've got it all figured out.You'll be out of here any minute.
DEE
What now, Charlie? Do you have areal idea?
CHARLIE
I have your passport. That willprove you're American and we canhave you home eating apple pie fordinner.
DEE
Well, I don't want to eat any pie,but go and do that, and get me outof here. I think they're talkingabout me and my Spanish is alittle rusty.
The guard approaches Charlie.
19.
CHARLIEOfficer, I would like to submitinto evidence -
GUARD
This isn't a courtroom.
CHARLIE- this passport, belonging to myclient, Deandra Reynolds, provesthat she is an American and shouldbe set free henceforth and withmalice aforethought.
The guard takes the passport from Charlie. He opens it, andholds it against the cell door, next to Dee's face. Thephoto shows Dee with dark circles under her eyes, mouthagape, and her blonde hair untamed.
GUARDYeah. That's not going to work.
PADDY'S PUB. DENNIS, MAC, AND CHARLIE ARE SITTING AT THEBAR.
CHARLIESo we're still disagreeing on thissquirrel-snake-ferret situation?
DENNIS
Charlie, I have exhausted myselftrying to explain this to you.
Frank enters from front door carrying letters.
FRANKMail's here. Charlie, you gotsomething from that fancy lawschool.
CHARLIE
Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Charlie takes the letter from Frank and opens it. He staresat it for several seconds.
DENNISMac, read that for him.
Mac takes the letter from Charlie
20.
MAC(reading)
"Dear Mr. Kelly. Thank you forconsidering University of Phoenixfor your continued education. Weregret to inform you that wecannot accept you into our programat this time. We also regret toinform you that we do not offer anonline law program at this time.We also regret to inform you thatour university is named after ourhome city of Phoenix, Arizona,rather than the mythical creature.We wish you luck in your futureendeavors."
The group falls silent, slowly turning to Charlie.
CHARLIEWell, I guess it's good that Ididn't get in. I don't think Icould go to a college that thinksphoenixes aren't real.
FRANK
So I guess everything is back tonormal.
DENNIS
Frank has a bunch of money and notaco stand.
MAC
Charlie still isn't a lawyer.
CHARLIENobody is in the bar.
FRANK
Yeah. Everything just canceledout.
DESERT. A GREY BUS PULLS UP AND PEOPLE IN BLUE JUMPSUITSSTART FILING OUT. Dee gets off the bus and looks around. Over her shoulder isa sign reading "Welcome to Mexico."
DEEGod damn it.
END OF ACT THREE
21.