It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - Sweet Dee Double Drops The IRS - Spec Script

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA"SWEET DEE DOUBLE DROPS THE IRS"

Written by

Anthony Nelson

7340 Panama St. Miramar, Fl 33023954-934-6701

TEASER

OVER BLACK:

12:30 P.M.

ON A WEDNESDAY

PHILADELPHIA, PA

TV VOICE (O.S)The pass is a bit off, he nails it, GOOOOOOAL!

CHARLIE (O.S.)I knew it, I called that.

MAC (O.S)You did call it.

INT. PADDY’S IRISH PUB - DAY (DAY 1)(Dee, Dennis, Frank, Charlie, Mac, Mild Mannered Man)

The bar is empty as usual. MAC, wearing a grey novelty top with cut off sleeves and blue jeans, sits around enjoying a few beers and watching a soccer game with DENNIS, wearing a casual striped V-Neck sweater and jeans, FRANK, wearing slacks and a solid short sleeved button down shirt, CHARLIE, wearing a ratty T-shirt and jeans and DEE, wearing a plaid blouse over solid white top and light jeans.

FRANKHow do you always do that? You’re like an idiot savant.

CHARLIEWhy, thank you dad.

FRANKDon’t call me dad, I already told you, we’re roommates. That’s your privilege.

DEEYou got the idiot part right, Charlie, you can’t even spell savant.

Charlie scoffs. He pronounces the word phonetically.

CHARLIES-a- this thing.

He draws an indistinguishable letter with his finger.

DEEI rest my case, what is that?

CHARLIEYou know...

MACNo, I don’t think you know, buddy.

PATRON (O.S)Excuse me... I’ve been waiting on my tab for over 15 minutes now.

PAN OUT to see a MILD MANNERED MAN, wearing a pair of glasses, slacks and a business casual top, he is aged about 40.

FRANKDee, get off of your lazy ass and take care of the guy.

DEEWhy do I have to do it?

DENNISEvery owner at the table, please raise your hand.

The males all raise their hands.

MACRun along now.

DEEAss holes.

She and the man exit.

FRANKSpeaking of losing money, which one of you little bastards been drinking more beer than usual? We’re missing 6 cases back there.

MACCharlie? You been visiting your mad room a lot, everything alright?

Charlie suddenly becomes very nervous, peeling back the label on his beer and not making eye contact with anyone.

"Sweet Dee Double Drops The IRS" 2.

CHARLIEWhat? Yeah, I been just fine.

DENNISYou don’t look fine.

Charlie puts down the beer over-dramatically.

CHARLIEAlright, you got me! (BEAT) I traded the beers for rats.

FRANKWhat do you mean, rats? I didn’t see no rats around the apartment.

MACWhy Charlie? They’re disgusting animals... (OFF OF CHARLIE’S CONFUSED LOOK) Never-mind.

CHARLIEWhat do you mean ‘Why?’ In order to lure away the alley cats... I used to soak a sock in rat urine and launch it out the window, but I’ll tell you, those cats are getting smarter so I needed more rats...

DENNISI’m a little bit intrigued by this, how do you acquire said rat pee?

CHARLIELike you’ve never had to harvest a rat sample.

MACWhat kind of sick little experiments go on in your apartment?

Dee comes back to the table.

DEESo... that guy happens to work for the IRS and we’re going to be audited.

Everyone stares at her for a few moments, speechless.

Dennis breaks the silence.


DENNISYou double dropped him, didn’t you?

Dee’s guilty expression gives her away.

ON THIS...

SMASH CUT TO:

OVER BLACK:“Sweet Dee Double Drops The IRS.”

BEGIN OPENING CREDITS.


ACT I

EXT. IRS OFFICES - DAY (DAY 1)(EXTRAS)

INT. IRS OFFICE - DAY (DAY 1)(Dennis, Mac, Charlie, IRS Agent)

TIGHT ON Dennis, Mac and Charlie sitting in the office.

DENNISNo, think about it, why wouldn’t a vodka enema work, in theory?

MACThat’s totally gay... It goes up your ass bro, Charlie, I’m with you on this one.

CHARLIEThank you. I’m totally against ass play of any kind.

DENNISI’m just saying, if I had to get something shoved up my pooper, I’d rather it be filled with vodka.

MACNo way-- Actually, that makes perfect sense. I’m back on Dennis’ side. The only oblong shaped objects that can get near... there... must be filled with vodka.

CHARLIENah, everything stays away from mines.

MACIs that why you never buy toilet paper?

CHARLIE(HIGH-PITCHED, DEFENSIVE) Of course I buy toilet paper, how would you even know, you’re not with me 24/7 bro. I buy toilet paper like every day, OK?


DENNISFine, how much does a roll of toilet paper cost, Charlie? Hm?

CHARLIE6 dollars... and 32 cents... am I right? In the ball park?

MACNot even close, bro.

Enter IRS Agent.

IRS AGENTDennis Reynolds? Come on back.

The guys follow the IRS agent through the door.

PAN OUT to show a large waiting room filled with stunned individuals.

INT. IRS AGENT’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)(Dennis, Mac, Charlie, IRS Agent)

Dennis and the boys sit opposite the agent’s desk.

IRS AGENTWhat can I do for you boys today?

The guys laugh.

DENNISNo no no, it’s not what you can do for us, It’s what can we do for you, pal. You see we’ve come here today--

The agent cuts him off.

IRS AGENT10,000 dollars.

DENNISWow that was fast.

CHARLIEOK, I think I see what’s happening here. We’re both men of the law I think we can just get down to the nitty gritty here...

Charlie pulls out a business card. He then hands it to the agent. It reads “Charly Kelly: Burd and Othur Lawyiringz”.


The agent drops the card on his desk.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)Charlie Kelly. I represent Paddy’s pub.

MACIgnore him please. 10,000 dollars? We were thinking more along the lines of offering you goods and services.

IRS AGENTAre you propositioning me for sex?

CHARLIEI object! Move to strike last statement.

DENNISListen, is there anything we can do... except for gay sex... to get you to look the other way on this whole double dropping thing.

The IRS Agent leans in close.

IRS AGENTWell, there is one thing. My entire life I’ve been pissed on by people. Bullied and beaten to a pulp by life and her ugly little bitch mistress; Karma... So I was just going to end it all.

The guys are confused.

CHARLIELike, you’re going to stop whining and do something about it, what are you getting at here?

IRS AGENTThe 10,000 dollars was to pay a hit man... for myself. But if you guys want to do it, then I wouldn’t need the money... you’d just have to make it look like an accident.

The guys faces express intrigue and confusion.

ON THIS...

FADE OUT.


INT. PADDY’S PUB - A LITTLE LATER (DAY 1)(Dee, Frank, Mac, Charlie, Dennis)

Dee watches soccer with Frank.

Enter Mac, Dennis and Charlie.

TRIOHeyo!

DENNISGood news guys, we may have found a solution to our little problem.

CHARLIESolution? I wouldn’t call it a solution, more like a horrible, horrible act of Satan’s henchmen, really.

MACIf the IRS agent dies, then no more audit, sounds like a solution to me.

Frank and Dee jump in.

DEEWhoa, kill a guy?

FRANKYeah, what the hell are you morons going on about.

CHARLIEThe IRS dude is extorting us for 10 grand to make this go away or...

DENNISOr we could rub him out... at his request, so he doesn’t need the 10 large to pay for his hit man. Either way, we win and I’ve always kind of wondered about taking human life, do I have the balls for it? I think I do.

Frank whips out his pistol.

FRANKI’m in.


DENNISNo, it’s gotta look like an accident and you don’t do subtle very well, you’re out.

Frank puts away his gun.

FRANKYou may have a point there, I like my killings messy...

DEENo way, you can’t just kill a man. What about the other thing?

MACYou mean the 10 thousand dollar thing? Sure. You got 10 grand? Cause if so we’ll just walk over and pay the pathetic little S.O.B. Why? Why are you saying stupid shitwhile we try to clean up your mess?

DEEYou’re obviously going to burn in hell.

CHARTLIEI’m out too...

Charlie goes behind the counter and grabs a box.

CHARLIEBesides, I have a way to raise the money.

DENNISWhat’s in the box?

CHARLIEThis, my friends, is the answer to all of our problems. I’ve had an epiphany, I know how to get the money.

MACI doubt that but go ahead, let’s see...

Charlie opens the box.

Mac and Dennis peek inside. They jump back.


DENNISWhoa, what the hell man? This box is filled with rodents.

MACI knew it, what could you possibly think we would need with a ton of rats?

Charlie chuckles.

CHARLIEGuys, guys, guys. How little you know about the business world. While you’re out stroking your God complexes, I’m going to be selling my lovely specimens to ratlesspeople all over Philadelphia... Who knows, maybe even the world.

DEENo ones going to want to buy your rats, Charlie.

CHARLIEThat’s where you’re mistaking, I think people will very much want my rats.

DENNISOh yeah? People like who?

Charlie ticks off his points by finger.

CHARLIEWell, there’s Pet stores for one. Cat owners. Mice enthusiasts...

MACMice enthusiasts?

CHARLIEYeah, people who are enthused by mice...

DENNISOK, well that’s a dumb idea and those rats probably have diseases, so good luck with that.

CHARLIEI don’t need luck, Dennis, I got rats... Now if you’ll excuse me, I have preparations...


Charlie exits. Everyone is stunned.

DENNISIs he huffing glue again?

MACOh, I don’t think he ever stopped huffing glue.

DEEFrank, you could just pay the guy, get his blood off our hands, it’ll be like a humanitarian thing to do.

FRANKWhen have you ever known me to be humane to anybody?

MACDee, do you not see men talking? Make yourself useful and get me a beer, please? Will you do that bartender of Paddy’s Pub, of which, I am an owner.

DEEFine. I don’t wanna help you ass holes anyway. All you do is treat me like a peon, in fact, I hope you lose this stupid little piece of shit bar and you all go broke and hungry cause you all got no life skills, and then Dee will be the one doing the peeing. I’m gonna pee on all of your dirty, stupid faces.

FRANKCome to think of it, I could go for a beer too.

Dee is rigid with rage. She stalks over to the bar.

The men continue talking.

DENNISNow we know you’re beneath helping anyone Frank, but if I know you and I think I do... We can come to a compromise here.

FRANKI’m listening.


DENNISLet us sell Dee to you as a slave, just incase this whole ‘Post Birth Abortion’ thing doesn’t work out... 10 grand for a month of good hard labor?

Frank mulls this over.

FRANKSlave? I like that... But I don’t know... Would she clean Charlie’s sleeping pants, those things smell awful. Oh, and sanitize the bathing sink?

MACUh... sure, whatever you want. Tell you what, don’t answer now, Me and Dennis got an accidental death to plan.

DENNISYeah, instead take Dee as a down payment, test her out, see how you like it, hm?

Frank caves in. Dee comes back with the beers.

DEEHere’s your damn beer, hope you choke on it.

MACNo time for beer now, we got a death to plan.

DENNISOh, and your Frank’s slave.

Mac and Dennis exit.

FRANKI own you. Now come with me, it’s my turn... I mean, your turn to empty the cat traps.

Frank takes the beer from the frozen stiff Dee. Frank exits.


ACT II

INT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - LATER (DAY 1)(Charlie, Dee, Frank)

Charlie, dressed in all white suit used in ‘The Gang Exploits A Miracle’. He is in front of a mirror smiling.

He grabs his box marked ‘guds’.

Enter Frank and Dee. Dee is frazzled and dirty.

FRANKI told you those traps were tricky... you have to lift the lid then scoop the cat remains...

Frank notices Charlie in the mirror.

FRANK (CONT’D)What’s all this then?

DEEIt smells like raw cheddar in here. Perfect way to accent this whole evening, cleaning out cat traps and phantom cheese smells.

CHARLIEIt’s funny you mention that because I have a business proposition for you.

DEEOK, now we’re talking, what is it?

Charlie hands Dee the box.

CHARLIEHow would you like to become a good old fashioned, door to door rat salesman?

Dee drops the box on the table.

Frank interjects.

FRANKHold on just a second, half of those rats are mines and who says I wanna sell?

Charlie stops in disbelief.


CHARLIEI made the deal for these lovely rodents, ergo, my rats. Sorry, but that’s the law, Frank.

FRANKDon’t forget you sold beer that was not entirely yours, therefore I get a steak in this whole rat business and I’ve been thinking...

Frank walks over to Charlie, he sits him down.

Frank snaps his fingers at Dee.

FRANK (CONT’D)You. Get down here and massage these shoulders.

DEEReally? You expect me to just jump down and touch Charlie?

FRANKHey, you want me to pay that lousy ten grand right?

CHARLIEWe do want this off of our hands, Dee. I mean, could you really kill that guy?

DEEGawd damn.

Dee unhappily does her duty. She recoils after touching him.

DEE (CONT’D)(GAGGING) Oh-- You’re so moist...

FRANK(TO CHARLIE) Close your eyes.

Charlie complies, relaxing a bit.

FRANK (O.S.) (CONT’D)Imagine a world where people would rip off their left nut to get one of your rats. Selling these rats might just work, if you had a market, give me half of those bodacious bad boys and I’ll create the market for you.


Charlie hesitates, eyes still closed.

CHARLIEI don’t know Frank, you have a way of screwing me over pretty badly.

FRANK (O.S)That’s crazy, you can trust me.

Charlie opens his eyes.

CHARLIECome on, what the hell man? You know I can see you, right?

Frank is at the door with the box of rats trying to slink out.

FRANKI’ll split the proceeds 70/30.

CHARLIEHoly shit, 30 percent? Done.

DEEYou’re talking about fighting rats, Frank. I saw you making those fighting rings in the basement.

Charlie jumps up excitedly.

CHARLIERings? Oh, please tell me we’re doing the rat circus thing like we always planned... please say it.

FRANKWe’ll do that after we get rich selling your rats to my gamblers so they can get in on the action, it’s a win win.

DEEIn case you haven’t noticed, Frank, those rats are piled on top of each other in that box, just as docile as can be, you’re never gonna get them to fight.

Frank pulls out a bag of white powder.


FRANKThat’s where you’re wrong. I’m going to mix this cocaine in with the cheese and give those bastards a little natural aggression...

DEEHow is that natural? No, never mind, knock yourself out.

Charlie pats Dee on the shoulder.

CHARLIEIt’s the rabies these little guys have that’s natural, Dee.

FRANKHey, I don’t need no lip from a slave, now take this cheese and mix it all up, bring it down to the bar when you’re done, wench.

Dee’s frustration is apparent.

DEEIf it get’s me away from you for a few moments, yes, I’ll mix your damned cocaine cheese, alright? Now just leave, please? Go.

Frank is indifferent.

FRANKCheese. Now. Chop chop. (TO CHARLIE) Come on Charlie, I got a batch mixed up already at the bar, wait till you see what I got in store for us.

He and Charlie exits.

EXT. MAC AND DENNIS’ APARTMENT - DAY (DAY 1)(No One)

INT. MAC AND DENNIS’ APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)(Mac, Dennis)

Mac and Dennis pace deep in thought.


MACI got it. We follow him around and when he least expect it, we jump him.

Dennis stops.

DENNISNah, too involved. I’m thinking I just wanna sit back in the shadows and watch him slip quietly into the night.

MACSo, poison maybe?

DENNISAnd who knows poison better than Charlie?

MACSo we go to Charlie’s, pick up some poison break into this guy’s home and slip a little in the drinking water?

DENNISNo... but hang on, I’m getting something here.

Dennis concentrates.

DENNIS (CONT’D)Got it! We go over to Charlie’s, grab some poison, then we break into that guy’s house and slip some of it in the drinking water, it’s a pretty fool proof plan, bro.

Mac jumps up.

MACAre you shitting me with this? I just said that five seconds ago!

DENNISI don’t think so, you see, I must have been so deep in thought that I projected it over to you without realizing it. That happens every now and again, try not to think about it too much.


MACYou could never do that, my mind is impenetrable through the ancient art of Karate.

Mac does a few chops. He does a few deep breaths.

DENNISI wish I could believe you, we could ask someone who thought of this first but there’s no one else here... (SHRUGGING) if walls could talk though...

Dennis exits. Mac follows protesting.

INT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - LATER (DAY 1)(Dee, Mac, Dennis)

Dee is amidst cheese and coke. Her face is trickled with powder, her actions are jerky. She’s high.

WE HEAR the apartment door open and close.

MAC (O.S.)Hey, Charlie. We need poison, stat!

Enter Mac and Dennis. They notice the coked up Dee mixing cheese.

MAC (CONT’D)Holy shit, what happened to you?

DEEDaddy said mix the cheese with the coke, you know? For the fighting rats... I ate some. Some of the coke cheese, I ate it.

DENNISClearly... But your strange willingness to submit gives me a great idea... Dee, your life sucks, right? I mean, look at you, sitting in a dirty apartment, eating coke cheese prepared for rats or whatever and you’re smiling, Mac, why?

MACUgh, cause she’s pathetic?


DENNISNo, cause she’s riding the white pony, she’ll do anything! Grab some of that cheesy coke and come on, we got a man waiting to die.

DEEUh... Do I get more coke?

DENNISWhy would you think I was talking to you, No, Mac, grab the cheese.

MACYeah, I think I’m going to take this down to Frank, sounds like they got a pretty interesting situation going on down there.

Dennis throws a few cubes of cheese in a baggie. Mac picks up the rest of the product.

DENNISSuit yourself dude, I’m gonna tweak out and kill a guy...

Dennis looks at the eager Dee with distaste.

DENNIS (CONT’D)Fine, come on.

EXT. IRS OFFICE - EVENING (DAY 1)(Extras)

INT. IRS OFFICE - EVENING (DAY 1)(Dennis, Dee, IRS Agent)

We see IRS agent writing. He stops and looks at his work.

Enter Dennis and Dee at the door.

DENNISKnock, knock. Guess who it is?

The Agent looks up briefly then goes back to work.

IRS AGENTUm... I thought I said make it an accident, I don’t wanna see it coming.


DEEOh, you won’t.

Dee picks up the lamp and bashes the guy over the head. He drops like a ton of bricks, falling out of his chair and onto the floor.

Dennis immediately begins to panic.

DENNISShit, shit, shit piled on top of more shit! What are we gonna do? I’m too pretty and lean for prison!

DEEWhat are you yelling at me for? You said we had to kill him and he’s dead. Let’s get out of here.

DENNISHe’s not dead, oh shit, he’s dead besides how do you accidentally kill yourself with a lamp? This does not look like an accident, Dee!

DEEI don’t know, maybe he was hanging it and it fell over, I really don’t remember what happened, I never wanted to do this but you took my coke, OK? I’m just in this for the coke...

DENNIS(DISTRAUGHT) I can’t do this. I can’t kill a man, chop him up into tiny little pieces and live my life on the lamb, even if I have the permission to!

Dee slaps him.

DEEGet a hold of yourself, we’ve already come this far, now we have no choice... We’re going to burn the body. Grab his legs...

The agent begins to groan. He rolls over.

DENNISSweet Mother Mary, he’s awake.


Dennis rushes to his aide.

IRS AGENTWhat happened, why am I on the ground?

DENNISShe tried to kill you! With the lamp and the smashing and the...

DEEOh that’s not important, what is important is you eat this cheese, it’ll make you feel better... Yummy.

She slips a few cubes of cheese passed the confused auditors lips. He chews it.

DENNISWe need to re-think this, I don’t think I can kill him, it’s making me feel (BEAT) icky...

DEENo, you big pansy, we take him out on the town and show him a good night (SHAKING THE BAGGIE OF CHEESE) with the help of a little powdered cheese maybe we can convince him to want to stay alive, now come on.

DENNISAnd if he still wants to die?

DEEWe’ll be too coked up to care.

They both pop a few pieces of cheese. Dee feeds more to the agent.

ON THIS...

FADE OUT.


ACT III

INT. PADDY’S PUB (BASEMENT) - EVENING (DAY 1)(Frank, Charlie, Mac)

There is a frenzy of activity going on in the room. Men are split into two screaming masses. One around Charlie and his rats, the other around Frank and the rat pits.

Enter Mac with the cheese mix.

Charlie comes squeezing out of the crowd to greet him.

CHARLIEHey, what are you doing with my nibblin’ cheese?

MACFigures. What is all this?

Charlie waves around grandly.

CHARLIEThis large group of people is what I like to call mice enthusiasts.

Charlie pulls out a wad of money. He begins counting the bills grandly.

MACNo way, where did you get all the green?

CHARLIETurns out rats are a hot commodity, how’s your stupid plan coming?

MACThat’s Dennis’ shit plan, I want to be here, let me in on this.

Mac goes to get a better look, Charlie stops him.

CHARLIEI don’t know, this is a very delicate situation we got down here Mac, maybe if you beg.


MACYou’re not making any sense, Charlie, this is a basement filled with coked out rats and opium and God only knows what else! There is nothing delicate about this!

CHARLIEAll of those words were probably the opposite of begging, so, no, and a little advice, you’re not making any sense, OK?

MACI can’t do this. I can’t talk to you, I’m going above your head--

Mac notices Frank overseeing the fighting pits.

Charlie and Mac dash over fighting each other all the way. Mac shoves the cheese at Frank.

MAC (CONT’D)(IN A RUSH) This-is-amazing-you gotta-let-me-in-on-this-Frank-I-got your-cheese-and-I’m-a-much-better salesman-than-Charlie!

FRANKI don’t know, these are his rats and he’s actually doing a mediocre job here, and I don’t wanna cut another man in on the profits. This thing is a gold mine!

CHARLIEYou hear that, Mac? I’m doing a mediocre job, so we don’t need you coming in and stinking up the place.

Charlie sniffs the air.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)What’s that I smell?

He sniffs Mac.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)It’s the stink of your rotting soul for wanting to take a life.

FRANKYou done?


Charlie backs down.

MACI’ll be your slave.

FRANKYou’re in. Go feed the rats...

CHARLIEBut careful, only feed the ones in the right box, the box of rats marked “Rabies” has already had enough cocaine to turn a grown man into a raging psychopath, you don’t wanna over feed those bad boys...

Frank and Mac exit.

Charlie taps his fingertips together menacingly.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)Don’t screw up, noob.

FLIP SCREEN to Mac standing in front of two boxes with a few misspelled words crossed out on each. One box has been settled to read “Rabeez Frii” and the other “Rabeez Kocane”.

MACGawd damn, Charlie.

EXT. MARKET STREET - NIGHT (DAY 1)(Dee, Dennis, IRS Agent, Woman 1, Woman 2)

CREEP UP to Dennis and IRS Agent, happily walking down the street intoxicated. Dee follows them.

The IRS agent notices a pretty woman walking with her pal.

The males gawk as the women pass by. The agent grabs Dennis’ arm.

IRS AGENTHey, I know her. Word around the office is she’s a total whore bag...

DENNISMaybe we should offer her some cheese?


DEENo! No cheese to spare, get your own. Oh, I forgot, you don’t have your own so--

The agent snatches the bag as Dee’s talking.

DEE (CONT’D)What just happened?

Dennis pats him on the back.

DENNISThere ya go! Now you’re learning. Let’s go wrangle us up a good time, shall we?

The IRS agent beams.

IRS AGENTThere’s no time like the present!

Dennis hooks his arm so the agent can link with him.

He slyly gives Dee the thumbs up signal, she mockingly returns the gesture.

They make their way to the women.

EXT. SHAMPOO NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT (DAY 1)(Dennis, Dee, IRS Agent, Woman 1, Woman 2)

We skim through the crowded line, behind the walls of the club and up to the bar where we find Dennis, The Agent, Dee and the two women.

INT. SHAMPOO NIGHT CLUB - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)(Dennis, Dee, IRS Agent)

Dennis and the Agent dance with the two women. Dee sits alone on the side watching the coats and purses.

Dennis dances his way over to Dee.

DENNISThis is going great, isn’t it?

DEEMaybe for you, we’re out of coke and I’m starting to lose my buzz.


DENNISYeah.

Dennis stops dancing.

DENNIS (CONT’D)To be honest I burned out hours ago but if we turn back now we’re going to have to kill him.

The agent makes his way over.

AGENTYou two look like a couple of squares over here, why the long faces?

DEESquares? Who the hell talks like that?

DENNISExcuse her, she’s just a bit agitated, she wants to call it a night.

The IRS Agent sags.

AGENTNo way, it’s still early!

DEEIt’s 4 a.m.!

AGENTYeah, that’s early! It’s a new day! Bring on the bitches!

DEEThis is a very different you. I want to talk to the sad little suicidal guy, I bet he’s tired.

Dennis interjects.

DENNISMore beer at the bar. You in?

AGENTI’m there, lead the way my good man!


INT. PADDY’S PUB (BASEMENT) - NIGHT (DAY 1)(Mac, Frank, Charlie)

Mac is sprinkling cheese over the boxes. Behind him there is a commotion, he hurriedly dumps the last of the cheese, accidentally dropping most of it onto the floor. He goes to check out the cause of the ruckus.

People are panicking. Rats with gleaming eyes scurry out of their pits.

CHARLIEThey’re going crazy, Frank, why are they going crazy?

FRANKI don’t know, but I know how to fix it.

Frank whips out his pistol, and fires wildly at the ceiling, BLAM! BLAM!

FRANK (CONT’D)Just leave all your money behind and run for your lives!

Men run around wildly trying to exit the basement.

Mac grabs Charlie and Frank. They crouch in an out of the way corner, away from all of the craziness.

MACHey! What the hell is going on?

FRANKThese stupid rats just went berserk. You must have fed the wrong batch!

MACI know that’s not possible because I been feeding both boxes all day plus they’re still in the closet so this has got to be one of your faults!

CHARLIEHoly shit, look over there!

PAN LEFT to show rats scurrying over to the closet space where Mac dumped the excess cheese.


MAC (o.c.)They’re headed to the cocaine. They’re tweaking.

WE SHOW Charlie, Mac and Frank watching for a few moments, their faces slowly turn trance-like.

CHARLIEYeah but it’s almost beautiful, isn’t it?

FRANKLike a herd of tiny water buffalo...

WE THEN HEAR tearing of boxes and screeches of deranged rodents. The men’s faces contort into shock and horror.

MACGo shut the door and lock them in, Charlie.

CHARLIE(SARCASTICALLY) Yeah, OK, why don’t I go get ripped to shreds by a bunch of crazy rats? I don’t know, maybe because it’s a fuckingCarmichael mission, that’s why.

FRANKCarmichael mission? What the hell is that.

MACHe means Kamikaze mission.

CHARLIEThat’s what I said. Shamirkazy... Karmisharsky... What did I say? What is it?

Mac loses his cool.

MACThis is your shit, Charlie! Your shit rats, your shit plan. Go and clean up your shit or so help me god I will put my foot up your ass and wear you like a shoe!

CHARLIEYou and Dennis really won’t drop this ass play business, will you?


Mac lunges at Charlie. Charlie throws his hands up in surrender.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)I’m going, I’m going.

INT. PADDY’S PUB - NIGHT (DAY 1)(Dennis, Dee, IRS Agent)

Enter Dee followed by Dennis and the Agent.

The agent goes straight behind the bar. He begins searching.

IRS AGENTAlright, where do we keep the beer?

DENNISOh, you’re a guest here, relax...

Dennis leads the agent to a stool. They sit down.

DENNIS (CONT’D)Allow me...

He turns to Dee.

DENNIS (CONT’D)Excuse me, miss? Two beers, pronto.

DEENo, every time you jack asses tell me to get your beer something awful happens. I’m officially off the clock.

We hear a thudding sound coming from below.

IRS AGENTWhat is that?

DEEMust be the rat fights, I can only imagine what they’ve got set up down there.

IRS AGENTRat fighting?

DEEYeah, and knowing Frank there’s probably gambling too.


IRS AGENTWell what are we still standing around up here for, take me to where the action is.

DENNISAlright, I like what I’m hearing (TO DEE) Those beers ain’t gonnabring themselves.

He and the agent exits. Dee scoffs.

INT. PADDY’S PUB (BASEMENT) - NIGHT (DAY 1)(Dennis, IRS Agent, Mac, Frank, Charlie, Dee)

Charlie struggles with the door to the closet where all the rats are tweaking, causing the thudding sound.

Enter Dennis and Agent.

DENNISHeyo... what the hell are you doing?

Charlie finally gets the door slammed shut. He is out of breath.

CHARLIE(PANTING) Coke cheese... Rabies... Killer rats.

IRS AGENTYou guys got more cheese, lay it on me.

Frank and Mac come over.

MACWhat is he doing here? He’s supposed to be dead.

DENNISCan’t you tell he’s been rehabilitated? He had a change of heart...

FRANKSounds to me like you pussied out.

DENNISNot quite, allow me to mold your feeble minds for a moment, You see...


(MORE)

when it comes to taking life any old Joe Nobody can do it, but it takes a man of true courage and valor to will a life back from the clutches of death... Gentlemen, you are looking at that man.

MACDude he’s not rehabilitated... He’s high, you didn’t do squat but get him ripped off of coke cheese.

DENNISTo the untrained eye maybe, why not ask him yourself.

P.O.V of a deranged rat. Sound is fuzzy and incoherent.

The rat looks up to see MAC, FRANK, CHARLIE, and DENNIS arguing.

PAN RIGHT to the IRS agent behind them. The agent bends over to pick something up off of the floor.

WE FOLLOW the agent’s hand as it nears a piece of cheese.

PAN OUT to show entire scene.

The agent picks up the cheese.

NORMAL VIEW, SOUND IS RESTORED. The agent smiles happily.

IRS AGENTI must admit I’ve never felt so alive!

The agent goes to pop the cheese in his mouth.

The deranged rat lunges and attacks him in the jugular, He falls back. The agent struggles with the huge rodent before dying. The others stand around in shock.

The agent’s body is sprawled in the center of the floor, lifeless.

DENNISI did not see that coming...

Enter Dee.

DEEJust so you jerks know, this was my last beer run for the night...


DENNIS (CONT'D)

She notices the body.

DEE (CONT’D)Gawd Damnit, guys... I guess I’ll call the ambulance.

Dee heads back upstairs.

ON THIS...

CUT TO:

EXT. IRS OFFICES - DAY (DAY 2)(Extras)

INT. IRS AGENT’S OFFICE - DAY (DAY 2)(Lawyer)

Office is empty, just the way it was left when Dee and Dennis picked the agent up for their night on the town.

There is a knock at the door.

UNKNOWN MALE (O.S.)Hey buddy, you in there? (BEAT) I know times have been a little tough but you’re not in it alone pal... Let me in so we can talk.

Enter Lawyer.

LAWYERHello?

He walks over to the desk. He picks up the letter the agent was working on and immediately reacts with shock. The letter is revealed to be a suicide note.

The lawyer sits down at the desk to breathe a few moments. This is where he notices Charlie’s business card on the desk where the note had been.

He picks up the card and looks from the note to the card inquisitively. He shakes his head after a few moments.

LAWYER (CONT’D)Nah....


Documents

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - Sweet Dee Double Drops The IRS - Spec Script