Itp Script

8/7/2019 Itp Script

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Act 1, Scene 1

[The curtain opens revealing Count in tableau. The Count will play with his contraptions before

Scarlet enters. The Count picks up his sword and demonstrates his skills. Scarlet enters]

Scarlet: [push him]

Count: You almost made me drop it.

Scarlet: [sneaks up angrily] You pay more attention to this than you do to me. You and your stick.

Count: You are [Scarlet strikes sexy pose] [Count notices Scarlet] Mmmmmmm yummy.Scarlet: [Takes sword away from Count, realizing she must change her attitude to loving] My dearest

Count Hard-Headrick III. [Kiss]

Count: Oh Scarlet, my beautiful butterfly. [Kissing her arm and hand, takes sword back] Did anyone

see you come in?

Scarlet: No Count Hard-Headrick. [They kiss again. Scarlet takes the sword from him once again. The

Count moves back]

Count: We must talk [Tries to take back sword] my dear Scarlet.

Scarlet: What about Count? [Takes sword and points it at him] Why do you look so worried?

Count: [Steals sword back] I am a troubled man Scarlet. [Pause] First, my wife has been acting funny

or funnier. I think she suspects something. It’s no time for her to know about us. Not just yet! Youdo understand?

Scarlet: [Overacting to convince Count] I understand all that. I feel sometimes that it’s all going to

end. I don’t know how much I can take! I mean, the only time I get to see you is early Tuesday and

Thursday mornings. [Moaning, come together]

Count: Hang in there a little longer. As I was saying, I am a troubled man! There is also another

reason for my worry.

Scarlet: [Frustrated because plan isn’t working] Yes, what is it Count?

Count: As you know my daughter Penelope will accept a proposal from that Italian, Reno Refalo. This

will happen at my wife’s social event of the year, taking place tomorrow, I know what Reno Refalo is

after!Scarlet: [worried] Oh really, what is that Count? [She thinks her overall plans have been discovered]

Count: [Straight to the Point] My money...he doesn’t fool me.

Scarlet: [Questioning, using convincing body gestures] How can you be so sure?

Count: It’s more than a hunch. [Pause] I didn’t get this rich by trusting everyone.

Scarlet: [Probing] Do you have any proof to support your wild accusations? I think not!

Count: [Points sword at her] You think I’m wrong? [Walks around to opposite side, points sword at

her again, more sarcastic still] You think I’m wrong? [Moves closer, embracing her from behind,

sword at side] Not this time my sweet Scarlet. Like I said it’s more than just a hunch.

Scarlet: [Nervous] What do you mean?

Count: I have hired a private detective named Lucky Robin, he tells me that Reno Refalo is not a saint.Scarlet: Your hired a Dick?

Count: [Continues Word] Tective, Yes, I am meeting with him later today at noon [Look at each

other, turn and look back at audience] IN THE PARLOUR....

Scarlet: [Concerned] Oh, Count, what’s your daughter Penelope going to think of you?

Count: Have you met my daughter. [Mocking his daughter] She won’t find out [Pause] young Reno

Refalo will move on, he’ll see my point and go his way. [Points sword at Scarlet] He’ll have no

choice.

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Scarlet: [Bewildered] Oh! Oh! Oh! [Makes a pass at her] Oh! [Now approving of action] You frisky

little devil!

Count: [Pulls out gift while saying] Now, where were we? [Worried look on Scarlet]

Scarlet: [Grabs gift] Oh Count, [Realizes it is imitation gold, diamonds and pearls] it’s beautiful!

[Sarcastically] I love it! [Now realizes what Count wants]

[Lady Katherine enters then exits, she now knows of the Count’s extra martial affairs]

Count: My wicked little pet, your beauty blinds me. Oh Scarlet, take me, take me now!Scarlet: Follow me Count Hard-Headrick the Third. [She exits to side stage as Count still at center

stage, picks up something to drink, then splashes it in his face to wake him. He then runs off to meet

Scarlet as they exit the stage]

[Lady Katherine Enters]

Lady Katherine: [Upset] My mascara has run. [Angry, Upset] How could he do this to me, after I

gave him the best years of my life? I could kill him.

[Enters Maid, wearing a sling]

Maid: Good morning Lady Katherine Hard-Headrick. Would you like a cup of tea?

Lady Katherine: [Lost in her own world] I knew this was happening but I didn’t want to believe it.

Maid: [Repeating] Would you like a cup of tea Lady Katherine Hard-Headrick?Lady Katherine: Maybe later...I’m going back to bed...please, anytime you address me, just call me

Lady Katherine, and omit the Hard-Headrick part. [Begins crying, exits off stage]

Maid: [Cleaning drops something] What will Lady Katherine do to me? [Begins to clean up mess

quickly. Meanwhile Butler staring at the maid.]

Maid/Butler: Hun... [The maid moves away from the Butler, and both try to cover up what happened]

Maid: Good Morning James.

Butler: Good morning Antoinette. [Moves around her] I came as soon as I heard the noise and waited

till Lady Katherine left. [Almost facing her, notices the sling] What happened to your arm?

Maid: Waited until Lady Katherine left, why?

Butler: It’s a long story; anyway, it happened way before you started working here.Maid: Oh, I see.

Butler: You haven’t told me, what happened to your arm?

Maid: [Makes up a story] I slipped in the bathroom. Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine. Did you get

the Count off to work this morning?

Butler: The Count has been acting very strange lately, especially on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Every

time I go to wake him up on these particular mornings, he is already up and gone to work.

Maid: [Inquisitive, Excited] Lady Katherine has also been acting strange. She just left the room in

tears. Do you think they are fighting?

Butler: Well, that wouldn’t be NEW NEWS! [Maid adjusts sling and expresses pain] That looks pretty

painful. [Sympathetic, gently touches maid’s arm] You have got to be more careful. What is left to dothis morning?

Maid: Just the two beds, Lady Katherine and her daughter Lady Penelope Hard-Headrick.

Butler: Very well then [Begins to exit]

Maid: Before you leave there is still one matter to discuss. Have you spoken to the Count regarding

our raises?

Butler: [Starts in control, voice slowly escalates to a stage of rage, body language should be strong]

As a matter of fact, Antoinette, we touched upon that very topic yesterday while standing here, in this

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very parlour. I pointed out that our duties have increased in responsibility and therefore an increase in

wages would be proper solution......BUT NO.... [Butler angry, mimics Count’s gestures] He just stood

there erect, with glass in hand and a smile on his face with his vein popping out of the side of his head

and looking at me as if to say...I was out of line. Needless to say, I felt very uncomfortable. [Pause,

now out of control. Re-enacting situation with Count] I wanted to grab the chicken-like neck of his and

say, YOU cheap, scum-sucking, no feeling, nose picking son of a motherless goat BAST(ard)!=omit.

Maid: James...James let go of me!!! [Butler comes to his senses turns away]Butler: I never really did that but I would have loved that.

Maid: So would I.

[Enter Lady Katherine]

Lady Katherine: [Walks in very proper...long smoke] You may finish up the beds now Antoinette, my

daughter Lady Penelope should be down any minute.

Maid: Yes, Lady Katherine Hard-Headrick.

Lady Katherine: I hope that sling does not hinder your already questionable work.

Maid: No, Lady Katherine Hard-Headrick.

Lady Katherine: I thought I told you to drop the Hard-Headrick part!

Maid: Very well Lady Katherine.Lady Katherine: Well, get to work, I’m not paying you to stand around or am I?

Maid: No, Lady Katherine. I’m sorry Lady Katherine. [Exit] [Butler tries to follow Maid but is

stopped]

Lady Katherine: James.

Butler: Yes, Lady Katherine?

Lady Katherine: Pour me a spot of tea please. [Butler bends over to pour tea, Lady Katherine stares

at his bum. Butler puts out milk and sugar and turns back around to Lady Katherine’s awaiting

hands]

Butler: Certainly [bends over] Two Lady Katherine? [Lady Katherine shakes head in approval]

Onesy, twosey.Lady Katherine: Thank you James. [While affectionately holding his hand] James a woman has needs

and desires that must be met. [Butler breaks away] I know about the raise for which you asked from

my husband. I can make things work for you.

Butler: [Stunned, Embarrassed] But Madame, you are a happily married woman. [Aside] That didn’t

sound correct even from my mouth.

Lady Katherine: I am married but I am not happy or in love.

Butler: But why do you say that? [Mockingly] The Count has always been good to you hasn’t he?

[Aside] Stop mouth, stop! You’re making a fool of me!

Lady Katherine: [Same gestures as before] While he was in this very parlour James, I peeked

through this peephole and do you know what I saw? Do you know, do you?Butler: NO Lady Katherine, I don’t want to know.

Lady Katherine: Well I’m going to tell you.

Butler: [Backed up] If you must.

Lady Katherine: He stood erect with his glass in his hand and a smile on his face saying, “Oh Scarlet,

my wicked beauty, take me, take me now!” And the tramp did. I just wanted to grab that scrawny,

chicken-like neck of his and say, “You cheap, scum-sucking, no feeling, nose picking son of a

motherless goat BAST(ard)!!!=omit.

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Butler: Lady Headrick!

Lady Katherine: How dare you raise your voice at me! [She exits and butler follows]

Butler: Lady Katherine, Please I did not mean it....Please Lady Katherine forgive me.

Lady Katherine: [Stop her rage, seductively] I know...now come with me. [Lady Katherine, Butler

follows reluctantly]

[Enter Penelope with only Nanny, helping with outfit while Penelope looks in mirror]

Penelope: [Conceited, Flaunting Body] My, oh my, I look ravishing today! [Kisses Mirror] I must bethe prettiest woman in the whole wide world. Don’t you agree?

Blanch: [Very tired and worn down] Yes, Lady Penelope.

Penelope: Do you think my bosoms heave too far?

Blanch: No, Lady Penelope.

Penelope: You’re right. I must be losing my mind. I look great. Better yet, I look perfect. Have you

done all of your chores?

Blanch: [Tired, exhausted and depressed ][Gradually getting angry] Yes, Lady Penelope. I have done

all my chores including taking your little dog Fi-Fi for a walk, feeding Fi-Fi and talking to her for a

half-hour to make her feel like she is one of the family. She is such a mutt!

Penelope: What?Blanch: [thinking fast] Such a marvelous dog! [fake smile]

Penelope: Very good.

Blanch: [Probing] Lady Penelope, have you accepted Reno Refalo as a possible suitor? Will you yes

to his marriage proposal?

Penelope: That announcement will be made tomorrow at Mommy’s social event of the year....but

between you and I [with excitement] Yes I will!

Blanch: Oh Lady Penelope, I am so happy for you... [Deep in thought]Very happy... [Satisfied]

Penelope: One thing worries me.

Blanch: What’s that?

Penelope: I don’t think Daddy likes him.Blanch: Oh, don’t worry, he’ll come around, you’ll see. All fathers feel that way, not to worry. Just

focus on your marriage proposal, and stop those tears. [Walks to opposite side of stage]

Penelope: Yes, you are right.

Blanch: [aside] You don’t look so pretty when you cry. In fact you are downright ugly.

[Enter Lady Katherine, still looking upset]

Lady Katherine: [Stern] Penelope, would you be a dear and ask your nanny to hand me the glasses?

[Both Lady Katherine and Lady Penelope snap]

Blanch: [aside] Oh joy!

Lady Katherine: [Receives glasses] Very good.

Penelope: Mommy, I need to talk to you.[Lady Katherine makes herself busy on stage looking at an ugly hat]

Lady Katherine: What about?

Penelope: Reno Refalo, I think Daddy hates him.

Lady Katherine: Your daddy, well I’d rather not talk about him. Don’t pay any attention to him.

[Find hat] Now, what do you think? I just had to get it as soon as I saw it Penelope! Isn’t it just the

most ravishing thing you’ve ever seen?

Blanch: [laughs]

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Penelope: [mockingly] Yes, Mommy.

Lady Katherine: Don’t you just love it?

Penelope: [agreeing] Yes, Mommy it’s so big! [Takes a close look at the hat]

Lady Katherine: I knew you would so I got one for you.

Penelope: Oh, you didn’t!

Lady Katherine: [Gets the other hat] Voila! Surprise! [Places hat on Penelope]I have to go now

[Blows mock kisses] I love you!

Blanch: [mockingly] That hat is very, how do you say...you.

Penelope: [Pulls out mirror] I think Mommy is losing her marbles. [Removes hat and gives it to

Blanch]

Blanch: [mockingly] Where shall I place it?

Penelope: It’s my gift to you.

Blanch: [aside mocking] You shouldn’t have.

Penelope: What!

Blanch: [thinks fast] Oh.......it’s beautiful.

Penelope: Put it on.

Blanch: [Body gestures revealing very uncomfortable with that order...She gives in and places it on

her head]

Penelope: Very good [looks at her watch] When is Reno arriving? I can’t wait any longer! [Song]

Blanch: Good morning Sir Refalo, [seductively] very pleased to see you...

[Looks at her with passion. Then returns to character]

Reno Refalo: What’s so good about it? What’s with the hat babes? [Points at Blanch]

Penelope: Mommy bought it.

Reno Refalo: Tell her- Get rid of it. [Blanch removes hat to Penelope] Have you ignored the watch

around your wrist...the one I picked out and you bought? It’s time to go!

Penelope: [Pause, as if she is thinking] Reno, how do I look today?

Reno Refalo: [Pacing the floor] Like a beautiful doll, unbelievable. Now come on let’s go. The

appointment is for ten o’clock. [Looking at her watch]

Penelope: Wait, let me get my purse. Blanch, will you get it from my room?

Blanch: Right away Lady Penelope. [Look at Reno with loving eyes, exits]

Reno Refalo: [Looks at her same way, the returns to character] Today at 10...not tomorrow [directed

at Blanch] Lady Penelope you know Reme gets when were late for one of his hair appointments.

Penelope: So touchy!

Reno Refalo: If you don’t hurry up, he’ll take it out on my hair!

Penelope: There is something that is not quite right.

Reno Refalo: What?

Penelope: It has to do with my Daddy. I don’t think he likes you.

Reno Refalo: Yeah, [Pause] so that’s a good knee to the groin!

Penelope: There is no need for that! You just make things worse!

Reno Refalo: Sorry, honey bunny.

Penelope: In fact, my father has made it clear to both of us, that he thinks that you are only after his

fortune and that’s why you want to marry me.

Reno Refalo: Hey...that’s not true my little honey bunny. Can’t you see that I love you? [Blows nose,

and hands tissue to Penelope, which she rejects with a scream]

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Penelope: [Pause] I know but I wish Daddy knew that as well. [Takes Penelope’s wrists with the

mirror, looks in it, plays with his hair, fixes it, kisses the mirror, then Penelope takes it back. She rubs

the mirror on Reno’s pant leg] That’s my mirror!

Reno Refalo: Look sweet heart. I will do anything for your father to like me. Anything at all. Isn’t

that beautiful hun? [Amazed with himself]

Penelope: Will you get a job?

Reno Refalo: [Pause] I would doll face... [Pause]. But I seem to be over qualified for any position.Penelope: [Pleading] Reno.

Reno Refalo: But if it will make you happy. I’ll lower my standards [reacts positively] no problem.

Penelope: Oh thanks...are you sure I look adorable today?

Reno Refalo: You look wonderful, now come on, let’s go! Will you stop looking at yourself?!?!

[Takes mirror away from Penelope puts mirror down. Enters Blanch]

Blanch: Here is your purse. [Reno is pulling Penelope offstage]

Penelope: I’ll be back soon. Watch Fi-Fi until I get home. [Reno takes her arm and rushes her off

stage]

Blanch: Yes... [Waits until they exit. Picks up hat and mirror, puts on hat and mimics Lady Penelope]

Watch Fi-Fi for me. [Pause] I hate that mutt! [She places hat and mirror down, then exits off stage,hears dog cries off stage, while curtains closes]

Act 1, Scene 2

Scarlet: I just don’t understand it! Where could Reno be? He told me to meet him here. That’s okay.

I know he’ll show up because he loves me. [Song] I can’t wait until he gets here! [Acts like a school

girl on her first date] He’s so handsom! [Reno whistles, Scarlet turns to look at him] I just can’t stand

to be away from you...not even for one minute!

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[Embrace and Tango]

Reno Refalo: Ole!

Scarlet: What!?! I mean, what Reno?

Reno Refalo: I’m sorry I took so long Scarlet but you know the Hard-Headricks; especially that

Penelope.

Scarlet: Oh Reno, you are not falling in love with her are you? [Breaks away]

Reno Refalo: Oh, be serious Scarlet!

Scarlet: I can’t take this charade any longer. I hate imagining you with Lady Penelope and I hate

that...[choral speaking about the count]cheap, scum-sucking, no feeling, nose picking, son of a

motherless goat BAST(ard)=omit.

Reno Refalo: Scarlet! Everything is under control.

Scarlet: He has some nerve, giving me cheap imitation gold, diamonds and pearls. [Notice is stuck on

the dress lace] Give me a hand Reno!

Reno Refalo: I’d love to!

Scarlet: I think it looks good there!

Reno Refalo: Oh Scarlet! [Gets necklace out] What’s this? [Looks at it, pockets cheap necklace]

Scarlet: As I was saying. Oh how I hate that man.

Reno Refalo: It’s almost over. Tomorrow I will propose to Penelope. We’ll get married and two

months later, we do away with the Count, Lady Katherine and Penelope...ad BINGO, we’re rich!

[Hug]

Scarlet: How much longer must I stay with the Count?

Reno Refalo: Just until tomorrow. Everything is under control. Relax. [Goes down onto one knee,

Scarlet places her leg on his leg. Reno removes garter belt and hand it to Scarlet]

Scarlet: There is only one problem. The Count is on to you. Today he told me that he hired a private

detective by the name of Lucky Robin. Apparently he has things on you.

[Reno snaps fingers and Scarlet goes down onto one knew and shines left shoe]

Reno Refalo: He told you this today?Scarlet: Why yes! He will meet Lucky Robin at noon.

Reno Refalo: Where?

Scarlet: You know where [both look at each other] IN THE PARLOUR.

[Reno snaps fingers again and Scarlet shines other shoe]

Reno Refalo: Then I must pay a visit to both gentlemen. And I use that term loosely.

Scarlet: You mean you are going to be talking to them [choral speaking] IN THE PARLOUR.

Reno Refalo: I’m gonna be there but not talking to them. I will hide somewhere and listen in on their

plan.

Scarlet: How will you get in?

[Both look at Reno’s shoes]Reno Refalo: Does this look clean to you?

Scarlet: Sorry Reno. [Starts crying] I’m sorry Reno. I don’t work well under pressure.

Reno Refalo: [Aside] You’re not kidding. [Turns to Scarlet] My dear little Penelope forgot her

precious mirror in the parlour. She has given me the key to go fetch it and bring it to her. [Mockingly]

You know she will only look at herself in that mirror. I will hide IN THE PARLOUR and listen to

what is being said. I have to be going. [Trying to embrace]

Scarlet: Ah! Ah! Ah! [Cries and Wails]I I just mess up everything! [Embrace, Scarlet looks at

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audience] He’s such an animal.... [Reno grabs her leg] Ah! [Worried expression] Be careful..... [Reno

Exits] I just love it when he’s forceful. Yeah! I want Reno!

Act 1, Scene 3

[Curtain opens. Enter Reno, who finds mirror, smiles and hears a noise, then hides under desk. Enter

the Count]

Count: [Rings service bell] James, lights! [Lights go out][Rings bell again] James! Lights! [Nothing

happens, Count jumps up and down screaming] James! Lights! [Lights come on]

[Enter Butler, helps him with gloves and coat. He then removes shoes and goes to find slippers]

Butler: [Irritated] Here you go sir..... muffy and fluffy.

Count: Thank you James.

Butler: [Mockingly] Hard day sir?

Count: Yes, an excruciating hour and a half.

Butler: Will you be going to after this Sir?

Count: Get serious James! Do I ever?

Butler: Would you like the usual?

Count: Yes, but not until my guest arrives.

Butler: Very well Sir. I will start your bath the minute your guest leaves. [Knock on door]

Count: The door [snaps] James!

Butler: Yes sir! [Mumbles] As if I can’t hear the door bell. [Opens door] May I help you sir?

[Enter Lucky Robin, James the Butler comes onto him]

Butler: Follow me Sir...

Lucky Robin: [Offended] I shall not!

Butler: You have a visitor Count Sedrick Hard-Headrick the Third. This is.... [Count Interrupts]

Count: We know each other. How are you doing Lucky Robin? [Turns to Butler] James, you may

dismiss yourself. [Butler exits, looks at Lucky] Lucky Robin, I see you like my swords. You may look

at them.

Lucky Robin: Thank you?

Count: I won’t waste your time. On the phone you told me that.... [Looks at Lucky Robin, Now

frantic] Did I say you could touch them?!?

Lucky Robin: No...

Count: [Calm] Now you can touch them. You said Reno Refalo was not a saint. What was supposed

to mean?

Lucky Robin: There is enough on this guy to put him in jail and throw away the key.

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Count: Well... [Enter Butler finds bell and grabs it]

Lucky Robin: This information is going to cost you a pretty penny.

Count: Come on. I’m good for it!

Lucky Robin: There is a rumour circulating that you are pretty tight with your money. For lack of a

better word, you’re cheap!

Butler: [Rings service bell] that’s an understatement!

Count: Didn’t I tell you to dismiss yourself?!?!?

Butler: Yes but I....

Count: You’re dismissed and give me back my bell!

Butler: [rings bell] My pleasure! [Throws it behind him]

Lucky Robin: Your reputation precedes you. I want the money up-front or there is no deal.

Count: Do you honestly think I would keep that kind of money lying [uses hand gestures] around here

with a crazy butler, twisted maid, frustrated wife and twit for a daughter? If you give me the

information now I’ll have James run to the bank and you’ll have your money this afternoon.

Lucky Robin: You do make a good point but when? This afternoon?

Count: 2:00 P.M.

Lucky Robin: All Right. You’ve got a deal.

Count: Good!

Lucky Robin: Your man Reno has really made a name for himself. Listen to this... [Song]

Count: [Disgusted] I knew it! My twit for a daughter can’t see past her own nose! We have to put a

stop to it!

Lucky Robin: We do? What do you mean WE?

Count: An extra grand in cash is yours if you deal with problem.

Lucky Robin: Consider the problem solved... [Walk toward door] Don’t forget the money, I’ll expect

you at 2:00 P.M.

Count: [Has back up bell, pulls it out laughs then rings bell] James show this man to the door. [Butler

surprised about the bell, leads Lucky Robin to door]

Lucky Robin: [To Butler] Don’t touch me there! [Exits]

Butler: Are you ready for your bath now Sir? [Exit Butler]

Count: Lucky is not too sharp. He gave me all I need without any down payment. Ha...Ha...Ha...

Butler: Sir are you and your bell ready for a bath?

Count: [Reaches to get another bell than rings them both] Coming James... [Exits]

Reno Refalo: [Comes out from hiding] Pretty good for an old creep. Scarlet was right. Now what to

do, what to do! Yes, I know! We all know that the Count is a tight wad and won’t pay Lucky Robin

the money he owes him. It’s safe to say that Lucky Robin would be fuming mad so it will be

completely coincidental that I just happen to show up after 2:00 P.M. at his office. [Song] [Exits]

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Act 1, Scene 4

[Enter maid out of character, door bell rings, and goes back to acting like a lady]

Maid: Yes [Enters Grandma] Oh, good to see you again. Do come in.

Grandma: Have we met before?

Maid: Many times.

Grandma: You know who I am?

Maid: Indeed.

Grandma: Indeed [Confused because she forgets who she is] would you please give me a gentle

reminder.

Maid: You’re my boss’s mother.

Grandma: That I am. Thank you dearly. [Begins to sit down ladylike, and then sits with legs open]

Maid: The Count is bathing but Lady Katherine is upstairs. Would you like me to get her?

Grandma: No, I don’t wish to speak with that [hits sling with purse] wind bag [Maid reacts in pain]

[Enter Lady Katherine]

Lady Katherine: I’m home now. James take my bags.[James comes over to take her bags and notices

her sexy lingerie and screams and runs off stage] [Moves onto stage quickly, notices it is Grandma,

rolls her eyes. They move towards each other and mock a double cheek kiss] Oh, welcome mother

Hard-Headrick.

Grandma: It’s always a pleasure. [Sits on couch, legs are wide open]

Maid: May I offer you any refreshments?

Grandma: [Pulls out her own flask] No, I have my own.

Lady Katherine: [Disgusted at Grandma] A spot of tea. [Maid exits] To what do I owe this pleasure?

Grandma: I hear bells. [Pause] But then again I always do. Is this true?

Lady Katherine: Penelope has accepted a proposal from Reno Refalo into the wonderful institution

called “MARRIAGE”. [Using mocking voice]

Grandma: Well, it’s about time!

Lady Katherine: As you know the social event of the year will take place tomorrow. Everybody who

is anybody will be present. Penelope will announce the wedding date with Reno Refalo tomorrow.

Grandma: I’m looking forward to it and hopefully it will be a tad more organized than your last affair.

[Restless, waiting for her drink, tension arises, Maid arrives back with drinks, serves Lady Katherine

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Maid: Where?

Butler: To my behind.

Grandma: [wakes up from side couch] Behind? [Crawls across stage to her bottle and back to couch]

Maid: No James, I mean what room?

Butler: Oh! IN THE PARLOUR.

Maid: But why?

Butler: I’ve asked myself same question. Maybe it’s my irresistible good looks. [Body language]

Maid: [looks butler up and down] Oh no! It’s got to be something else. James, did you give in?

Butler: Of course not?

Maid: Good! The same thing happened to me and the Count.

Butler: What?

Maid: Just a few days ago, while I was making the beds, he tried to have his way with me.

Butler: The cheap, scum-sucking, no feeling, nose picking, son of a motherless goat, BAST(ard)=omit.

Maid: James!

Butler: Did you give in?

Maid: Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?

Butler: Oh! I’m sorry.

Maid: What should we do? I mean, I really need this job. Sometimes I think I would do anything to

keep it.

Butler: Even if it means...you know... you virtue.

Maid: Of course not. I just don’t understand what is happening. We have two people who have all the

money in the world yet they’re not happy.

Butler: Sometimes Antoinette, money is the source of all evil and there is no exception in this case.

Maid: You know James that was not the first time he made a pass at me. Yesterday he was really

drunk and [begins to break down] he snuck up behind me [interrupted]

Butler: It’s okay, take a deep breath.

[Maid moves to D.C. stage and flash-back takes place]

Maid: [Bent over cleaning]

Count: [Drunk] Antoinette [Grabs and hugs her from behind] You’re a beautiful creature.

Maid: [break free] You’re drunk again.

Count: [Drunk] How can you tell?

Maid: [Mocks and mimics him] Oh gee “How can you tell” [reacts to Counts breath] Your breath

smells.

Count: [Smells his own breath] It’s my mouth wash. Now come over here.

Maid: [refusing] I will not.

Count: Playing hard to get! [Moves towards her]

Maid: [Panics] Remember you’re a happily married man. [Count holding maid]Count: Yeah so, what does that have to do with anything?

Maid: [struggling] Let me go!

Count: [trying to hold on] Oh Antoinette, be mine.

Maid: [both still holding on but not struggling] I don’t think you’ll like what you find [turns raises her

knee. Count and the Butler react to knee flash back ends, Count in tableau, scene resumed with butler]

[Walks toward butler] Yes James I raised my knee.

Butler: Will you please stop doing that.

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Maid: It happened so fast. I just started running and I slipped on Fi-Fi’s bone. From the corner of my

eye I could see him in agony. [Points at the tableau of the count] So I got up and ran into my room.

That’s how I hurt myself.

Butler: Why didn’t you tell me this morning when I asked?

Maid: I wanted to but I was afraid. Why can’t women get a job without being harassed? I mean, they

don’t even ask. They just assume it’s alright.

[Butler hugs maid for comfort]Butler: [mad] Sometimes I wish I could ring his neck. [he too is getting tempted]

Maid: He’ll deserve whatever he gets.

Butler: Has anybody ever told you how desirable you look in a sling? I want to take you in my arms

and kiss you, kiss you hard and make no mistake about it. I’m going to kiss you hard. [Maid pushes

Butler away] That’s one strong female. Instant turn on.

Act 1, Scene 5

[Scene Opens, office scene. Lucky Robin enters, angry at Count, enter Reno Refalo]

Lucky Robin: I knew that I couldn’t trust the Count but he is not going to get away with it. What can I

do now? What I was doing was not exactly legal. Sometimes I wish I could kill that guy. [Lucky

walks over towards Reno at the door, who is reading a newspaper. Lucky drops keys and bends over

to pick them up] Bum a fag? [Reno drops newspaper and reacts to the way Lucky asks] oh Reno

Refalo.Reno Refalo: No I don’t! I’m not going to ask you how you know my name cause I know how you

know. As I see it I am an angel sent from heaven. The Count owes you money and I am here to pay

you.

Lucky Robin: I don’t know what you are talking about.

Reno Refalo: Now hear me out! The Count is going to pay you for the information about me and the

dirty deed you were about to perform on my manhood. Shame on you Lucky Robin, double shame.

Lucky Robin: Hu?

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Reno Refalo: Don’t play stupid. You have played the fool one too many times. I am willing to give

you double the amount he was going to give you.

Lucky Robin: Keep talking. You’ve caught my interest.

Reno Refalo: As you clearly know I am aiming to marry Penelope but the Count stands in the way of

my happiness.

Lucky Robin: What does this have to do with me?

Reno Refalo: Once the Count is eliminated only Penelope stands in the way of me inheriting theCount’s entire fortune. So as I see it one hand washes the other. You get rid of the Count for me and

I’ll pay you the money and more.

Lucky Robin: [pulls out gun] What’s stopping me from killing you now?

Reno Refalo: Nothing is. Except the fact that you will never see the money the Count owes you.

Lucky Robin: Alright, I’ll go with the plan but if you double-cross me, I’m coming after you. [Takes

out gun]

Reno Refalo: Tomorrow the Hard-Headricks are throwing their social event of the year and that is

precisely when the Count will fall to his debt.... [Interrupted]

Lucky Robin: Debt? Don’t you mean death?

Reno Refalo: DebtLucky Robin: Death

Reno Refalo: Debt

Lucky Robin: Death

Reno Refalo: Ya, ya, that’s what I said. You know what I mean. So, as of today, you are invited to his

bash.

[Walks toward the door but before he exits Lucky says]

Lucky Robin: Don’t you double cross me Reno Refalo. [Motions for gun, the both exits separately]

Act 2, Scene 1

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[Scene opens IN THE PARLOUR, Granny is still sleeping from night before, enter Penelope with

mirror and Blanch]

Blanch: Have you made up with Reno?

Penelope: No I have not! If he ever calls me I might give him a chance to be forgiven.

Blanch: He hasn’t called you since yesterday...

Penelope: That’s alright...and he’s supposed to be here...now!

Blanch: [walks up to Penelope] I wouldn’t look so worried.Penelope: [sarcastically] You are not me.... [Blanch walks to opposite side of stage]

Blanch: [aside] Thank God! What did he do to upset you so?

Penelope: I don’t want to talk about it especially with you... [Looking up] Oh how I love him

[Penelope sings love song]

[Enter Reno, Penelope’s facial expression changes. She is upset and walks away from him]

Reno Refalo: [tries to get closer] Oh, there you are my little one!

Penelope: Don’t you little “one me” you beast! You left me at the hairdresser’s yesterday! [Looks in

the mirror and plays with hair]

Blanch: He did what?

Penelope: He left me like a dog!

Blanch: Oh, Sir Reno! Fi-Fi gets better treatment than that.

Reno Refalo: Penelope my love... [Penelope interrupts]

Penelope: I’m so upset with you!

Blanch: Lady Penelope, I don’t blame you one bit.

Reno Refalo: Will you but out?!?!

Penelope: Don’t talk to her that way! [Walks toward Granny, no one has noticed that Granny is

passed out] Yes, but out Blanch!

Blanch: Whatever you say.

Reno Refalo: Don’t be like that...I can explain... [Reno walks behind seat where Granny is sleeping]

What’s this? [Pointing out Granny]

Penelope: It’s Granny! What is she doing here? [Goes back to the original conversation] Nothing in

this entire world can make me forgive you!

Reno Refalo: Just hear me out! [Standing on either side of Granny, turns and says] Is she still

breathing?

Penelope: Oh! I hope so! [Uses mirror to see if she is still breathing] She is still breathing.

Blanch: [aside] Unfortunately.

Penelope: [Pauses goes back to mad state] You can beg, cry, plead and make the biggest fuss but I’ll

never forgive you! [Reno pulls out the gift that Count gave Scarlet and hangs it around his wrist]

Reno Refalo: Penelope, are you sure there is absolutely nothing I can do to make it up to you? [Very

sarcastic]

Blanch: Oh Lady Penelope! [Points to Reno’s hand] Look! Look! [Both moves over to Reno, Blanch

grabs it] Oh Reno! I love it! [Penelope angry, grabs it from Blanch]

Penelope: [Now has same gift as Count gave to Scarlet] Give that to me! Oh Reno! I love it! [Looks

over at Blanch]

Reno Refalo: I needed some time to shop so I went yesterday while you were at the hairdresser’s.

Blanch: What a sweetheart! What a beautiful man... yes beautiful. [Realizes what she has said]

Penelope: Blanch control yourself. [Blanch gestures control] Good! Now go to my room.

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Blanch: But Lady Penelope...

Penelope: Go! [Exit Blanch] Oh Reno! I misjudged you. Will you forgive me? [Kiss, hug]

Reno Refalo: Sure I do doll face... we better get ready for the party.

Penelope: Yes...there should be a lot of people coming to this event.

Reno Refalo: I sure hope so!

Penelope: What do you mean? [Looking at herself]

Reno Refalo: Forget about it!!

Penelope: Forget about it.

Reno Refalo: [Looks disgusted] Forget about it!

Penelope: Tell me...

Reno Refalo: Well... it’s just that your dad has a reputation of making people upset. [Thinks of own

situation] Some people are very insulted.

Penelope: My dad...oh stop joking. [Calls for] Blanch.

Blanch: [re-enters] Yes.

Penelope: [gives gift to Blanch] Place this is a safe place.

Blanch: Yes.

Reno Refalo: Come let’s go. [Exit Penelope and Reno]

Blanch: [looks at gift carefully] There is something very familiar about this gift [begins to laugh] Oh

Reno...you Devil! This is the same gift the Count gave Scarlet. [Enter Maid and Butler while Blanch

is laughing, Maid, Blanch and Butler all look at each other. Exit Blanch]

Maid: Why is she so happy?

Butler: I don’t know why anyone would be happy in this place.

Maid: Is everything set?

Butler: Yes.

Maid: Good. How many people are we expecting? [Walks toward mail on stage]

Butler: I don’t know...I assume the same as last year.

Maid: What do you mean?

Butler: I didn’t get an accurate count because I didn’t have time to open all of the mail.

Maid: Oh James, where are the responses?

Butler: Here.

Maid: Alright, help me open them. [Opening the mail]I hope for your sake, we don’t have more people

than last year.

Butler: Mayor Bradley won’t be attending now will be Dr. Bernard.

Maid: Joan Stevens and husband won’t attend.

Butler: Hard-Headricks employees from the bank won’t be showing.

Maid: Mr. And Mrs. Bill Wayne will not attend.Butler: Alderman Powell and his wife will not attend.

Maid: The Smiths, the Wades and the Stanley’s won’t show.

Butler: The O’Hara’s, the Folkfers and the Spooners won’t attend. Wait! Scarlet Plumply says she’ll

attend [holds it up dramatically] Who’s that?

Maid: A Mr. Lucky Robin will attend also. I don’t know him.

Butler: [smiles] I do. He came by yesterday to speak with the Count. I think that is all the invitations.

Maid: Yup, that’s it! Well, this is going to be a grand event!

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Butler: Only two guests. The Count has made enough enemies and it has finally caught up with him.

[Begins laughing]

Maid: At what are you laughing? [Butler loses control, can’t stop laughing, Butler places hand on

Maid’s knee, maid removes it] James... [Maid starts laughing] Should we tell the Hard-Headrick?

[Pause both laugh hysterically]

Butler: No, why should we spoil our fun? It’s not as if he pays us well [places hand on maid’s knee,

maid removes it]Maid: You’re right. [Butler places hand on maid’s knee, maid removes it] We better prepare. [Pause,

laugh, both exit]

Grandma: [Wakes Up] Has the party started? [Tries to get up, has one major hangover, but decides

she needs a drink] I have to have a drink. [Walks over to where there is a full bottle available] Through

the lips and over the gums, watch out stomach because here it comes....ah....good for Granny. [Puts

some alcohol on fingers and uses it as perfume]One more drink, [Makes funny face, fills up glass] You

know there this is a saying, once you fall of the horse you should get back on it and try again, well...I

better try again. [Takes another drink] Whoa! This horse is pretty wobbly. I better try again! [Makes

a funny gesture with face and body] I think I had better sit down. That’s better. [Takes another drink

and falls asleep][Door bell, Butler and Maid go to answer the door]

Butler: [Laughing] Would you like the honour of answering the first of two door bells?

Maid: How very kind of you James. Thank-you.

[Maid brings Lucky Robin into the parlour]

Lucky Robin: Am I the first to arrive?

Butler: No, you are the second to last.... [Laughing]

Maid: James, stop drinking! Would you like a drink sir?

Lucky Robin: How very kind of you. [Turns to James] Yes, I’ll have a martini, straight up. [Pause]

James.

Butler: [to Lucky] If I was any less macho, I would think you’re coming on to me. [Seductively]“Straight up...James.” oh.

Maid: [grabs the butler] Right away. James will you help me in the kitchen?

Butler: Excuse us, Sir Lucky Robin!

Maid: Will you behave yourself?

[Lucky Robin looks at everything on stage, does not notice Granny. While Lucky Robin faces the

opposite side of Granny, she walks up and moves towards him, grabs Lucky Robin’s butt, Lucky Robin

reacts]

Grandma: Hi good looking! Has the party started yet? [Drunk]

Lucky Robin: Yes, it looks as if it started long before I arrived.

Grandma: Hey, would you like a drink?

Lucky Robin: No thanks... mine is on the way.

Grandma: I’m sorry, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Mother Sedrick Frederick Har... [Mumbles]...ick!

[Looks at fingers] First? No, no...second? No, no, no...the Third! Ya, that’s right, the Third!

Lucky Robin: Oh! You’re the Count’s mother.

Grandma: I’m what?

Lucky Robin: The Count...you know... the guy who owns all of this.

Grandma: I am.....? Oh yes, I am! [Tries to seduce Lucky, but he backs away]

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Lucky Robin: Where’s that drink? [Enter Maid and Butler] About now I could use one. [Trying to

release himself from Granny’s grip]

Maid: Here’s your drink Sir Lucky Robin. Mother Headrick, you have finally gotten up. [Looks at

Granny] You don’t look so well, would you like to sit down? [Walks her to her chair]

Grandma: Yes, I think so deary. [Sits]

Maid: How about some coffee Mother Headrick?

Grandma: That sounds good. [As maid walks away Granny reaches for her bottle and begins to drink,

Maid exits again]

Butler: [to Lucky Robin] Hors d’oeuvre Sir?

Lucky Robin: Thanks, my man. [Takes a handful, door bell rings]

Butler: [Seductively] Oh. [Repeats Lucky] my man...Anytime....my man.

Lady Katherine: Will someone get the door? [Rings again] Why do I have help? [Goes to the door,

enter Lady Katherine with Scarlet] Who invited you? [On stage where she can be seen]

Scarlet: Well hello to you too. The Count did. You see I do my business at Count Hard-Headrick’s

bank, unlike some of us.

Lady Katherine: It’s the other way around. He’s doing his banking with you! [Enter Reno Refalo]

Scarlet: And oh such great big deposits.Lady Katherine: Look here Scarlet.

Scarlet: No you look here Missy.

Lady Katherine: You’re nothing but a home wrecker.

Scarlet: At least he’s satisfied. [Reno tries to interrupt]

Lady Katherine: You’ll never get away with this.

Scarlet: Just watch me. You’re not woman enough.

Lady Katherine: AND YOU ARE? Don’t make me laugh. [Reno interrupts]

Reno Refalo: Hi, I’m Reno Refalo. And you are?

Lady Katherine: Keep away from me Reno!

Scarlet: Scarlet Plumply... The Count invited me; personally.

Lady Katherine: [to audience] And so many others.

Reno Refalo: It’s a pleasure Scarlet! [Turns to Lucky Robin] And you Sir?

Lucky Robin: My name is Lucky Robin. The Count invited me too. By the way, where is the Count?

[Enter Count, Lady Katherine walks toward him]

Lady Katherine: [Upset] How dare you invite her to our house! [Exits]

Count: My wife is feeling a little under the weather. Welcome everyone [to the Maid and Butler, they

laugh]....where are the rest of my guests? [Turns and bumps into Lucky Robin]

Lucky Robin: Good evening Count..... [Mocking smile]

Count: I tried to get hold of you. I couldn’t take out such a large amount on such short notice.

Lucky Robin: It’s alright Count. I do trust you. [Again mock smile]

Count: You’re still going to take care of business?

Lucky Robin: [Mock Smile] Just leave it all up to me Count!

Count: I knew I could COUNT on you! Get it? COUNT!!!... [Laughs] Reno, have you met Lucky

Robin yet? [Walks over to Scarlet] so nice of you to come. [Enter Penelope and Blanch]

Penelope: Hi everyone! Where are all the guests? [Says to Blanch]

Blanch: I don’t know but keep smiling.

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Reno Refalo: [Spots Penelope] My love!

Count: [To Scarlet] This guy is going to make me sick!

[Audience needs to be aware of this]

Blanch: Lady Penelope, there’s Sir Refalo.

Reno Refalo: [embraces Penelope] This here is Lucky Robin and over there is Scarlet Plumply.

Penelope: Nice to meet you all [aside] Where are all the guests, Reno?

Reno Refalo: Like I said, your dad has a bad habit of making people upset. [Enter Lady Katherine]

Penelope: Maybe that’s why you and Daddy don’t get along. You’re always taking shots at him.

[Walks away from him] Hi Mommy! [Mock Kisses]

Lady Katherine: Hello dear!

Penelope: Mommy you look upset. Are you okay?

Lady Katherine: Don’t worry about me dear.

Penelope: Okay.

Count: Oh! Katherine, you’re back! [Lady Penelope conversation with Lucky Robin mime]

Lady Katherine; I’m not back because of you! I’m here for my daughter.

Count: Katherine, sweet-heart, let me explain.

Lady Katherine: There is nothing to explain. You mean are ALL rats! Let’s just make our

announcements so I can retire to my bedroom. I’m sure you would like that.

Count: Lady Katherine!!!

Lady Katherine: Excuse me everyone. [Cast pays no attention to her] May I have your attention

please? [Cast silent] That’s better! [The Count and Scarlet stop seducing each other] The Count and I

have invited you here for a particular reason. [Lady Penelope and Reno Refalo stage center beside

Lady Katherine and the Count] My daughter has informed us that she has accepted Reno Refalo’s

proposal. I hope she’ll be as happy in marriage.... [Begins to cry]...as I once was! [Exits sobbing]

Scarlet: Boo hoo!

Lady Katherine: James follow me [stops. Seductively to James]

Butler: Again

Penelope: Mommy! [Guests react to Lady Katherine has said] Continue doing whatever you’re

doing...I’ll be back! [All cast members focus on Penelope exit][Offstage] Mommy what are you doing

to James.

Butler: Help my Penelope!

Count: LADY and GENTLEMEN [maid laughs] as I said Lady Katherine is not feeling well. Let’s

have our glasses refilled and make a toast. James, Antoinette will you please serve the champagne?

Maid: Wait [calls backstage]....James you’re needed.

Penelope: Let go of him mommy!

Butler: [messy wear] [enter] What?

Maid: The Count needs us.

Butler: [turns to Count] Yes sir.

Count: [looks at James up and down] Fix yourself up, I need champagne to be served.

Butler: Yes Sir, right away! [Exit maid and butler]

Grandma: Has the party started?

Count: Mother! How did you get in? [Moves towards her]

Grandma: I can’t remember. How did I get in? [Loudly] Does anyone here know?

Count: You look very tied. Pass me the pillow Blanch.

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Grandma: I want Lucky. [Everyone looks at Lucky]

Count: Pass me the pillow Blanch.

Grandma: I prefer Lucky.

Count: Lucky you heard my mom [Lucky doesn’t want to do it] Now get her the pillow!

Lucky Robin: [Gets pillow, Granny grabs him and her way with him, Blanch tries to pull Lucky off

her and they all fall on each other]

Count: [breaks it up] Will you stay with my mom?

Grandma: I want my Lucky, he’s magically delicious.

Blanch: [goes beside granny] Sure Count: I love taking care of drunks.

Butler: You give them their glasses and I’ll serve.

Maid: Okay. [Serves Scarlet first]

Scarlet: I’d like to make a toast to Sir Reno Refalo and his new bride! [She raises her glass] Count

raise your glass!

Count: This is not the kind of toast I wanted to make! [Reluctantly raises glass]

Cast: Here! Here!

Lucky Robin: When do you two plan to get married?

Count: Don’t rush them. They have lots of time.

Blanch: When you’re in love, you’re in love.

Reno Refalo: [to Blanch] Thank you. To answer your question, in a few months.

Count: WHAT? I mean, why so fast?

Reno Refalo: Why wait? [Lucky Robin shakes hands with Reno Refalo, meanwhile Scarlet takes the

Count aside][Exit Maid and Butler]

Count: Why not?

Scarlet: Stop being so obvious! You’re too tense and someone is going to sense your disapproval of

this marriage!

Count: Yes, you’re right but he gets under my skin!

Scarlet: Relax I have an idea. Why don’t you tell everyone about your contraptions? This way you

will relax.

Count: That is a good idea! [Returns to guests] LADY and GENTLEMEN, [offstage laughing butler

and maid] may I have your attention? I would like to explain all this you see in front of you.

Hopefully I’ll get you to participate with the presentation.

Scarlet: Oh! That sounds like fun!

Count: So, if you would ALL follow me this way, I`ll start the presentation. ^They all follow the

Count. Everyone tableaux but Scarlet. Scarlet places poison in tall glass.]

This here is the Iron Maiden. Notice the time and craftsmanship it took to build such a treacherous

contraption. They went to great difficulties to make this contraption not only frightening to the eye but

deadly painful to the body. [Opens Maiden]

Cast: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.......Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Lucky Robin: Has this been left in its original form?

Count: Yes. Only one thing has been changed. [Points to spears] These are now foam: only a safety

precaution. This will no longer kill anybody. [Reaction by cast]

Reno Refalo: What did you do with original spikes?

Count: They’re right here in this box. [Lucky Robin at this point he has a way of killing the Count. By

this time Scarlet has joined the presentation. The Count moves across to the other side of the stage

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while speaking] If you would ALL follow me to the other side of the parlour!

Lucky Robin: Excuse me for a second Count, just continue. I’ll join you momentarily. [Scarlet and

Reno follow the Count, meanwhile Lucky Robin fixes the Iron Maiden so it kills again. This is all

happening before the Count presents his nest torture device, tableau]

Count: Can anyone guess what this is? [Pointing to the pillory]

Scarlet: I think I can, I’m not sure of the name but I know its purpose. [Everybody in tableau but for

Reno Refalo, he puts poison in glass meant for the Count]Count: Now for $100 dollars answer!

Scarlet: Oh Count, you stop joking! [Very playful] isn’t it a device used for punishing people who have

committed a minor offense? [Poison has been put in glass by Reno Refalo successfully, nobody

notices]

Count: You’re right, but there is a little more to it.

Scarlet: Well, I was close. [Lucky Robin soon to join]

Count: This contraption, called a pillory, was used in the early 1800’s. Colonists found guilty of

offenses such as drunkenness, swearing, slander or disturbing the peace were put into this pillory as a

form of punishment.

Granny: Has the party started?Lucky Robin: For how long were they left in here?

Count: Depending on the offenses. Let’s say, as an example, Mr. Refalo committed an offense such as

drunkenness!

Reno Refalo: Who me? Wouldn’t granny be a better choice?

Scarlet: He has a point.

Lucky Robin: That’s right.

Grandma: Cheers! Son you wanted my help. I’m coming [falls asleep] No I’m not.

Cast: [laughs]

Count: Thanks for the effort mother. Work with me Reno! This is how it works. Local governments

will appoint a law enforcer, me, to place offender, you, into the pillory. The offender, you, will have tofirst co-operate, and then serve his/her punishment. Reno, do you mind?

Reno Refalo: Of course not! But would you rather have a drink first? [Picks up poison glass and

places it in Counts reach]

Scarlet: Yes Count, have a drink. [Both present a drink to the Count]

Count: [Pause] No, demonstrate first. [Reno places glass on table] If you follow me this way. [Places

Reno in the Pillory] Notice how comfortable it is. [Pause] The rest of you please follow me to the

guillotine.

Reno: What about me?

Count: [mockingly] Work with me Reno just a little longer! Lucky Robin will you help me

demonstrate this contraption?Lucky Robin: NO! That’s quite alright!

Count: Trust me!

Scarlet: Oh, this looks like fun! Do it Lucky!

Lucky Robin: Ladies first!

Count: Come on Lucky. It’s just for fun.

Lucky Robin: Okay, but if anything happens to me it’s your HEAD! [He realizes what he just said

and lays onto the guillotine]

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Count: This is a Guillotine. “It became the official instrument of execution in France. In 1792, during

the French Revolution.” As you can see it is a quick and merciful type of execution. It’s a beheading

machine. [He releases the lever and the blade stops just before it beheads Lucky Robin. Scarlet

screams]

Lucky Robin: Count, help me out of here! That was a mean thing to do! [Starts getting up] My entire

life just flashed before my eyes. [Up and pants wet]

Scarlet: Oh Gee! I see you have had an accident. [Lucky Robin takes a drink from Scarlet and drinks from the poisoned glass before she can say anything]

Lucy Robin: What’s wrong? [Drinks poison meant for the Count]

Scarlet: Nothing, but I think you better sit down.

Lucky Robin: Yes, I do feel kind of sick [sits down, but gets back up again] Oh poop! I’ve come to

my det...

Reno Refalo: That’s death stupid!

[Lucy Robin falls dead]

[Look at each other]

Count: What’s wrong with Lucky?

Scarlet: I think you contraptions scared him to death. Ha! [Re-fills glass in tableau places poisoned glass down on center table and now Count can eliminate Reno, thinking Scarlet is on his side]

Count: I guess he wasn’t so lucky.

Reno Refalo/ Count: [Choral Speaking] There’s one guy I don’t have to pay.

Reno Refalo: Get me out of this think. A joke is a joke!

Count: Not so fast! You’ve been getting under my skin for a long time. You see I know all about you

and I know what you’re after.

Scarlet: You sure you don’t want a drink Count?

Count: You don’t love my daughter. You just want my money. [Enter Penelope, makes herself visible

to audience but says nothing]

Reno Refalo: Do you really think I could love someone as dumb, as arrogant, as conceited, who carriesa mirror wherever she goes, like your daughter, Lady Penelope? Give me a break!

Penelope: I don’t believe what my pretty little ears are hearing! You can’t honestly mean what you

just said?

Reno Refalo: h, of course not!

Penelope: You LIAR! [Smacks him in the face with her long gloves, exits]

Count: I have a special way of eliminating your type. It’s one of my new toys call the GAS MASK!

Scarlet, keep an eye on him. I will be right back! [Exits]

Reno Refalo: Scarlet, release me from here! [Release him, Reno Refalo pulls out a hand gun]

Scarlet: You’re not going to use that? Where’s your imagination?

Reno Refalo: No! He is going to die using his own gas mask. [Re-enter Count and Reno points gun at him] Get your hands up!

Count: Scarlet?

Scarlet: Sorry Count. [Mockingly]

Count: This was all a set up?

Reno Refalo: No, you think so! Do you think Scarlet would want someone like you?

Scarlet: NO!

Reno Refalo: [Places Count in Pillory] Give me the gas mask. Natasha [who is really nanny], would

8/7/2019 Itp Script


you kindly give us a hand?

Scarlet: Natasha?!?

Natasha: Of course I will. Anything for you Reno. [Removes old lady outfit, revealing herself to be a

youthful young lady, Reno Refalo and Natasha move close together, hug and kiss, Scarlet surprised]

Scarlet: Reno, what are you doing? [Reaches for drink, end up holding Reno Refalo’s glass]

Count: Isn’t it pretty obvious? You’ve been had!

Scarlet: You old creep!Count: You floozie!

Scarlet: I need a drink. You impatient [interrupted]

Count: I hope you choke!!

Scarlet: Shut up! [Count and Scarlet get into a shut-up fight. Drink Reno’s poisoned glass]

Reno Refalo: NOT THAT DRINK!

Scarlet: [before she dies a dramatic death] This had poison in it, didn’t it?

Reno Refalo: It was meant for the Count. I wouldn’t have killed you that way. But since you did it.

Scarlet: I loved you Reno. [Punches him then she dies]

Reno Refalo: Easy come, easy go! [Noise is heard]

Natasha: Someone is coming!

Reno Refalo: Here! You hide in the Iron Maiden until I can get rid of them. One last kiss before you

go. [Kiss, Reno Refalo opens Iron Maiden, Natasha reacts]

Natasha: Are you sure it’s safe?

Reno Refalo: Trust me! The Count has disarmed the Iron Maiden so it is now safe.

[Natasha enters Iron Maiden, he hears the sound effects of blades cutting through the body. Opens

door and Natasha is stuck to it, dead!]

Count: Easy come, easy go! Yeah, you’re right!

Reno Refalo: [out of control] I’m gonna kill you Count! [Enter Lady Katherine and Penelope with

detective]

Lady Katherine: There he is officer. Arrest him!

Officer: Hands up Reno Refalo! [Reno Refalo walks to center of room and picks up last poisoned

glass, made by Scarlet] We finally caught you!

Reno Refalo: Before I run I will salute you officer.

Officer: Why thank you, Reno, coming from you that’s a compliment.

Reno Refalo: Here is to all the girls I’ve loved before. [Drinks] Scarlet, [falls down] you’ve poisoned

me. [Dies]

Scarlet: [finger up] Bite me! [Romeo and Juliet death]

Lady Katherine: Suitable place for you, isn’t it Count? I want a divorce and I am taking more than

half! Come on Penelope, let’s go! [Both exit]

Penelope: Bye Daddy.

Officer: You come with me Count. You have a lot of explaining to do down at headquarters. [Exits]

[Enter Maid and Butler]

Maid: Well, there goes my job!

Butler: I love you Antoinette!

Maid: There is something you should know. [Removes outfit reveals herself to be a man] I’m not a

woman!

Butler: You are more beautiful than I thought!

8/7/2019 Itp Script


[Maid jumps into Butler’s arms and exits happily ever after. Granny awakens]

Grandma: Looks like I’m not the only one dead drunk! [Sees Lucky on the floor, falls on him, passes

out curtains close]

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Itp Script