qmunicate issue 97 • 27/05/12 • www.qmu.org.uk

Changing SeasonsInside: A Guide to Glasgow, No Boys Allowed,

Vintage Westend, Festival Previews, Football this Summer

Hello and welcome to the first ever ‘Words of a Boardie’. My name is Tom Kelly and I’m the Publications Convenor Elect here at the Queen Margaret Union. At the time of writing I’m currently in a handover period, following which I will assume responsibility for production of the handbook and qmunicate magazine itself. This new section will feature a new board member each issue and will give you an idea of exactly how your elected board members are working for you.

This last month I have spent most of my time looking ahead to Freshers’ Week with the rest of our Freshers’ Week committee. Specifically I have been designing the Freshers’ Handbook. I hope I’ve created a stylish and exciting Handbook which should sell the union well.

The other things I have been changing include the magazine you hold in your hands. Some changes will be obvious to you, such as the cover, others may not be. In addition to changing the cover, I have changed the content of the magazine and brought in a whole group of new editors. The main content change is to bring back the sports section; I

Words of a Boardiehave appointed a fantastic new editor in David Childs and I think together we will be able to provide an interesting section every issue that fills a hole within the magazine. I have also created the position of illustrations editor and appointed our resident doodler Sean Hughes Iles (the man behind Alphonse the Unemployed Lion Tamer) to the role. Together we will hopefully be able to standardise the quality of

the illustrations and photographs within the magazine as well as improve the strength of our covers. The third new editor in a brand new position will be Jake Casson, who will be taking over things at qmunicate.wordpress.com to ensure that a strong new program of original content, with columnists, videos and current news. New faces in the traditional roles will also hopefully freshen up the magazine and help further the magazines success.

It has been a busy month for us, a lot has been happening around the Union that has been occupying my time. The highlight for me was the Annual General Meeting, which took place on Wednesday 16th May, at which we voted on a lot of serious issues for the Union, such as changing the handover period for convenors such as myself to make it shorter in an attempt to make more efficient use of our time on board. Then some not so serious issues, such as voting to see what the official QMU starter Pokémon would be (it’s Charmander by the way).

I hope you enjoy the issue, find a few ideas of what to do inside, and have a great Scottish summer.

CreditsEditor: Tom Kelly (nearly)

Section Editors/Heroes: Alasdair Begg • Jake Casson • Sean Hugh Iles • Andrew McAllister • Joe Nelson • Abbey Shaw • Theo Wheatley

Contributors:Abbey Shaw • Laura Thomas • Joe Nelson • Nina Ballantyne • Becky Male • Adam Sorice • Jake Casson • Andrew McAllister • Alan

Want to get involved? The Publications Committee meet every Wednesday during term-time at 1730 in the QMU’s board room. This lovely gang put together every issue of qmunicate and would like you to join them. Alternatively you can send compliments, queries, comments and restraining orders to: qmunicate.magazine@gmail.com

Compton • Liam Hainey • Tom Kelly • Marc Barr

Photography/Illustration: Sean Iles • Joseph Nelson • Omar Robert Hamilton • Mydhili Bayyapunedi

Thanks to: Andy • Frooze • Snapbacks • The promise of Croatia • Nice breakfasts

Despite: Early rising Orange Lodge men • Working 6 - 11 • Sleep deprivation Printing courtesy of Forward Graphics

Contents

3 • Words of a Boardie

4 • Diary Dates:Freshers’ Week; Euros

5 - 7 • Around Glasgow:A to do list for your time here

8 • Fun Sized

9 • No Boys Allowed

10- 11 • Changing Seasons

12 • Back in My Day

13 • Vintage Westend

14 -15 • Music Previews:T in the Park; Belladrum; Hebridean Celtic

Festival; Wickerman Festival

16 -17 • Arts & Culture Previews:Film; Edinburgh International Film Festival;

the Edinburgh Festival Fringe; West End Festival

18 • Sport:Why Football needs to be an olympic

sport; Why the Scots remain terrible at the beautiful game

19 • Alphonse the Unemployed Lion Tamer

A new column about life on the qmu board of management, this week the man in charge of this very magazine gives you his (entirely unsolicited) thoughts.

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Euro 2012

Diary Datesnews

Oh yes, it’s almost that time of year again, and you can expect yet another spectacular line-up of events at the QM. All you newbies can look forward to a week of mayhem after which you will be feeling anything but fresh-faced.

As always, we will be hosting the Fresher’s Ball, offering you the chance to dust-off your glad-rags and hit the floor in the classiest way possible. In all likelihood you’ll end up with a tie wrapped around your head and someone else’s lippie smeared over your face, but you’ll get some nice, smart photos from the first hour or so that you’ll be able to show to your granny.

We’ll be seeing big names take to the stage and put on fantastic shows in our very own Qudos. Last year

Alas, that time of the year has come again where the footballs are locked away in a dark cupboard somewhere in FA Headquarters alongside referees, the mascots and Chris Kamara as we face another agonising few months wait until the new domestic season starts. You COULD spend this time wallowing in self-pity or finding a job. However, you SHOULD spend the Summer at the Queen Margaret Union taking in all the action as some of the World’s finest footballers (English players also available) compete in Euro 2012. Why answer life’s unanswerable questions when you could instead be discovering what happens when you move half a continent to Eastern Europe from 8th June to the 1st July for a kickabout. Whether you’re watching out for England’s ever inventive ways of being eliminated, to laugh at Rooney’s dodgy new barnet, or to witness some undoubtedly talented footballers

we saw Twin Atlantic and Kassidy blow Freshers away with their stellar performance, Kissy Sellout put on one of the best DJ sets I’ve ever seen and BeattaMaxx remixed everything from Otis Redding to porn [in a brilliant way].

Last year also saw some absolutely banging club nights, from the White T Shirt party (the one time where between walking in and getting to the bar you’re going to get at least 3 cocks drawn on you), a paint party, which is messier than a Britney Speares divorce and my personal favourite, the headphone disco! Dancing to your own music never felt so good!

Despite evening events usually only being open to holders of a Freshers’ Pass, the day time events

freshers week • september 2012

8th June - 1st July• Champions’ Bar

Around Glasgow...

are free to anyone and have ranged from cocktail masterclasses to vintage pop-up shops.

The glue that holds this week-long super party together are our incredibly dedicated Fresher’s Helpers. These superheroes are all QM ‘till they die and they’ll have convinced you too by the end of the week. They’ll help you move in, make sure you get home safe after your first nights out in Glasgow and be a friendly face for the inevitable point you either become a bit lonely, lost or homesick.

So, potential Freshers, prepare for the best week of your life, all here at the QMU. Get ready to have the most ridiculous, busy, fun and exhausting 7 days of your life, with the best folk in the uni, in the best place to be in Glasgow.

prove themselves on the international stage with a show of unbelievable technique, consistency and discipline head on up to the aptly named Champions Bar to catch every minute of every game shown LIVE from Poland and the Ukraine. Prepare for the big kick off with a truly international mix of Tennents and Tequila for just £3! Whatever your nationality, persuasion, support or preference the QMU will literally cater to your every need with fresh food available from 8.30-3.30 Monday to Friday on the second floor. Come on over to our place for an unrivalled atmosphere and witness men and women alike laugh, cry, cheer and cry some more as football provides that special buzz around the air that goes unrivalled with other sports, and unrivalled in other bars.  With the unmatched drink prices, the unrivalled catering and the unbelievable chat – why watch it anywhere else?

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The Botanic Gardens were built in the 19th Century, and the big, impressive looking greenhouse near the main entrance was restored in recent years from its original timber frame to a more permanent steel one.

The gardens are a beautiful spot in which to relax on a sunny day, although it may be difficult to find a patch of grass that isn’t covered with sunbathers. On a rainy day, pop into the Glasshouses and check out the fantastic array of unusual tropical plants.

The gardens are open daily from 7:00 am till dusk; however the Glasshouses are only open from 10:00am-6:00pm. A recently renovated café has a whole host of snacks at reasonable prices. The Gardens are a great place for a jog, with many paths to choose. Summer flowers, in full bloom, make the run even more beautiful.

Futhermore, there’s a kids play park and also a vegetable garden which kids can go and help plant. Take a look at the noticeboard at the Byres Road entrance to see whether any of their summer activities interest you. If you have nothing to do on a summer’s day, go and play some Frisbee or just past the time by lounging in the sun. (MB)

Around Glasgow...

Go to Ruthven Lane for a wander about, a couple of hours to kill, and come out twenty pounds lighter - leaving with a stuffed otter, a collection of old Boney M LPs, and a hat made entirely of yellow felt - feeling like the trendiest guy on

campus.

Hidden away just off Byres Road, Ruthven Lane is Ashton Lane’s eccentric older cousin: furnishing your flat, revolutionising your vintage wardrobe and creating a rare-book or vinyl collection to the envy of any lecturer, uber-geek or literary fascist. Don’t go to Ruthven Lane with a shopping list - go with a tenner in your wallet and an open mind. Visit places like Relics Junk Shop, City Centre Comics, Starry Starry Night, Play It Again Records, or Circa Vintage. Then have lunch in Stravaigin 2, the Bothy or DiMaggio’s.

As I ambled through, I found myself buying a cheap acoustic guitar, a Complete Aerial History of the Gulf War, and an Oor Wullie annual from the 1970s. I have no need for such items, but love them nonetheless. Cobbled, drafty and a bit backwards - Ruthven Lane is a hive of interesting shops and hipster vintage fun. (SI)

Ruthven Lane and Mews

The name Glasgow comes from the Gaelic Glaschu, dear green place. The city is infamous as a place of urban gritty industrial glory, but an awful lot of grass is carefully hidden amongst the sandstone and iron.

If you’re in the West End, you’ll have probably come across the Botanics and Kelvingrove Park already, but travel a little further afield and you will be rewarded. Alexandra Parade Park (easily accessible by train and bus from Old Dumbarton Road) is a real gem just East of the city centre. It boasts a beautifully restored iron fountain from the 1901 International Exhibition, a 9 hole golf course, and stunning views of Ben Lomond and the Tinto Hills from the highest point of the park. Another of the East End’s chlorophyll heavy treasures is Glasgow Green. The city’s oldest park hosts the People’s Palace. The Palace was founded with the explicit intention of documenting the lives of ordinary people, rather than your kings and queens. Just across the road, inside the gorgeous Templeton’s Carpet Factory, you can find the West Brewery – a perfect place to wind up your day trip. (NB)  

Eastern Pastures

OK, maybe the prospect of hanging out in a totally massive graveyard in central Glasgow isn’t initially appealing (unless you’re into Marilyn Manson or like to pretend you’re a vampire) but the Glasgow Necropolis is truly beautiful.

Situated on a low hill just east of the city centre, the impressive main entrance is across a bridge from St. Mungo’s Cathedral, which became known as the ‘Bridge of Sighs’, as it was part of the usual funeral procession route into the cemetery. The Necropolis was established in 1833, and is a well-preserved portrait of Victorian Glasgow. Paths wind up the hill past some beautiful old gravestones to the top, and from the peak, one gets a great panorama of the city.

There are plenty of other impressive pieces of stonework to be seen, but the coolest thing about the Necropolis is that you’re given some much needed breathing space in the midst of busy Glasgow. For those who are really keen, there are a number of dates on which ‘Walking Tours’ of the Necropolis are available, and further details on these can be found at www.glasgownecropolis.org. The Necropolis is honestly not as weird to hang about in as you might expect. Just try not to be there when the zombie apocalypse hits. (AB)

Necropolis Botanic Gardens

Getting prepared for a great summer in Glasgow, we show you some of our favourite spots

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Down past Trongate and the edge of Glasgow Green, far away from the West End bubble, lies the magical world of Glasgow’s famous Barras Market. The Barras isn’t sexy - it’s not even all that clean - but it sure is fun.

The market starts as you pass under a big metal banner bearing its name, and continues as a maze of shops and stalls, inside and outside. Traders sell packets of tobacco out of their fists, fruit and veg sellers shout for customers, stall holders patter away, and children ask you to go into the off licence for them.

Amongst this metropolis of stalls there are DVDs, furniture, books, clothes, electronics, nick-nacks. Basically, anything you might want. Plus, attached to the market is the Barrowland Ballroom, which hosts gigs for reasonably famous bands all year round. The Barras is not glamorous, and it’s more than a little rough around the edges, but the Barras is a beating heart of timeless Glasgow culture, and all the banter that goes with it. You won’t find specialist cheese and cigar shops like those on Great Western Road, and it’s all the more fun because of that. The West End is great, but it’s not the real world. In contrast, the Barras offers you a labyrinth of shop stalls, manned by real Glasgow people, complete with missing teeth and that unique Glasgow humour. (TW)

Barras Market Underground Glasgow

Despite the misleading title, this article isn’t about the joys of the Glasgow Subway, although it is fantastic and well worth the money. Instead, I’d like to let you know about some of the more… hidden places you can seek out and discover all around our fair city.

For instance, did you know that way back in 1896, a railway station was opened in the Botanic Gardens? Closed for passengers around the start of World War 2, and then closed fully in 1964, the station is still accessible if you know where to go. I would like to point out that whilst it is not illegal to enter the premises, thanks to the Scottish ‘right to roam’ laws, the site is considered dangerous. Myself, qmunicate and the Queen Margaret Union do not accept responsibility if you get run over by a ghost train, or the like. For the less adventurous, there’s room 256 in the Kelvin Building of our own fair University. Seriously, go check it out. It’s the office of a Dr. J. Malkovich. If you are a bit confused by this, check out the movie “Being John Malkovich”.

There are loads of other strange and hidden places all over Glasgow, just get out there and don’t be afraid to have a good explore. If this has sparked your interest, check out websites about ‘Urbzing’ for all sorts of destinations and ideas. (KA)

Folks from Edinburgh may disagree with this, but Glasgow culture is one of the best in Britain. Glasgow’s famous for its art and it’s got galleries to match. Although there are many fantastic options, the Gallery of Modern Art (GoMA)

particularly stands out.

The best-looking thing in the Merchant City used to be the town house of a tobacco lord, and has been a bank and a library before becoming the art gallery we know and love in 1996. GoMA has been fantastic in displaying the work of great Glaswegian artists like John Bellany and Ken Currie, as well as bigger names from elsewhere like Andy Warhol, David Hockney and Sebastian Salgado.

GoMA is also in possession of an unofficial symbol of the city. Standing outside the Gallery is Duke Wellington’s statue, but to you and me its ‘the statue with the traffic cone on its head’. You can see it on postcards, you can see it on T-shirts and you can see the smirk it brings to people walking past it. (AM)

Glasgow’s had it fair share of rich philanthropists, but you’d be hard pressed to find one who gave as generously and extensively as William Burrell. Will used to be a shipping magnate and earned piles of dollar with which he collected exotic

artefacts, art masterpieces and historical relics from all over the world. Known as The Burrell Collection, these pieces are housed for all to come see in a custom-built museum on the Pollok Estate.

Just over the hill from the Burrell Collection is Pollok House, a Georgian mansion modernised and filled with more ace stuff. In its beautiful granite walls you can find a large collection of Spanish art and paintings by William Blake. Antiques and glassware litter the House for your perusal and you can nip to either of the shops or dine in their restaurant if you fancy. If it’s fresh air your after, you can stroll around the extensive gardens, which feature over 1,000 types of Rhodedendrons.

A veritable haven of culture sits on the Pollock Estate and it’s definitely worth the journey to take a look. (PE)

GOMA Art Gallery

Burrell Collection and Pollok House

For a map of where all these sites are visit www.qmunicate.wordpress.com

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I love Arran partly for its proximity to Glasgow, thereby making it the perfect, short-term escape, and partly for its amazing ability to seem worlds away. If you want to escape from the urban pressure in the big (Scottish) smoke, jump a train first thing in the morning from Glasgow Central station to Ardrossan. From there you

can board a bold Caledonian MacBrayne ferry to Brodick, where you will see Goatfell, the island’s biggest peak, just across the bay, rising triumphantly out of the woods. A hike to to the top of Goatfell will gift you stunning panoramas of the whole island and across to the mainland as well. Even if you decide to top it off with a round of mini golf back in Brodick, you can still make it home in time for tea. Alternatively, you could spend a more cultured (relaxed) day in Arran. You can take in some history at Brodick castle, check out the standing stones, pick up some artisan cheese, beer or whisky, and break up all that hard work by indulging in some tasty afternoon tea at variety of fine establishments.

If you want to stay longer you can keep a high-octane, adrenaline-junkie style holiday going

features

Arran sells itself as a miniature Scotland, and with good reason. The craggy mountains, gorgeous beaches and fine single malts you can find in the Highlands can be also be found here, scaled down (Other than the whisky. That remains normal size.) for your convenience. Scotland’s seventh biggest island is only a short hop from Scotland’s biggest city and well worth the effort. A wee gem situated in the Firth of Clyde, Arran is ideal for day trips and longer stays alike. The island’s attractions are many and surprisingly varied for its humble size. I know of few places in the world where you can make your own soap, go mountainboarding, visit some incredible standing stones and then spend the night in Scotland’s Hotel of the Year.

On my first visit, I stayed on the North shore of the island in Arran’s third biggest village, Lochranza. My folks had apparently been hit by a wave of guilt about not immersing their three daughters enough in traditional (primarily, but not wholly, Highland, Gaelic) Scottish culture so had booked us into Feis Arrain. The Arran Feis as it was then, was a Gaelic arts and music festival aimed at kids that lasted a week’s worth of classes, workshops and socialising before culminating in a rollicking ceilidh and a chance to show off all your new found skills at a big concert. We liked it so much, we went back every year until I got too old and cool to holiday with the family. I liked it so much, I’ll go with my pals now instead.

with the excellent human beings at the Arran Adventure company. These lads and lassies offer everything from mountain biking to kayaking to abseiling at a fair rate, open to novice and expert alike. Rough camping, like most other places in Scotland, is free providing you’re sensible and don’t start any forest fires, but there are a number of dedicated sites available with proper amenities as well. Sustenance comes from either the big Co-operative in Brodick, or the numerous (and far nicer) independent outlets dotted around the island. If you prefer recharging your batteries by taking a less strenuous approach to holidaying, then don’t worry, there’s plenty for you too. There are gorgeous beaches all the way along Arran’s coast line, some of them even complete with palm trees and white sand. I can’t pretend the weather will ever truly match the Bahamas, but Arran’s proximity to the Gulf Stream can leave it surprisingly warm and sunny for a notoriously wet corner of the British Isles. And if you don’t fancy camping, there are a huge range of self-catering options, along with hotels, Bed & Breakfasts and guest houses.

Arran is wholly unpretentious, full of high quality everything and is only a couple of hours away from the heart of the West End. Also, there’s not a single set of traffic lights on the whole island. That should tell you all you need to know.

[Nina Ballantyne]

“Arran is wholly unpretentious, yet full of high quality

everything”

Fun SizedNina Ballantyne sells you Scotland’s seventh biggest island

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Since the publishing of Becky Male’s article “Is This What Feminism Looks Like?” in qmunicate, there have been criticisms from the online community about the points she raises in her article. This is Becky’s response to those criticisms.

Let’s start by addressing the issue of “feminisms”. In no way was I attempting to suggest there is a universal female experience. Never has been, never will be. Every woman has different experiences of feminism and the world. If I’d wanted to be cruel, I could have levelled the age-old criticism at the FemSoc that they’re a group of middle class white women and must therefore have quite narrow view of feminism. But I didn’t. In part because there will always be exceptions to that but mostly because it’s unhelpful to dismiss anyone’s feminist views like that. It would have made me no better than the woman I overheard talking a few days ago who said, “I believe in gender equality but I wouldn’t describe myself as a feminist. There’s too much baggage.” But they are a “Feminist Society”. By labelling themselves as such, they become feminism’s representatives on campus and to the wider world, whether they want to or not. What the FemSoc does reflects on all of us who identify as feminists and unfortunately it’s the not good work campaigning they’ve done that has been noticed. Maybe the reason Glasgow Uni student media feel the need to keep writing about this is that so many feminists feel disillusioned with FemSoc’s brand of feminism. The part of the response I take greatest issue with is that men cannot understand the oppression of women. If you take that stance then how can we ever expect to make any kind of progress? Yes, it’s harder for them to understand it but it’s not impossible. Give up on them and nothing will change. Educating men about female oppression, and their own, is out best chance to make a difference. Jessica Valenti has a fantastic chapter in her book Full Frontal Feminism on men. She says, “Their problems are our problems, ladies. Men aren’t born to rape and commit violence. Men aren’t “tougher” emotionally. These gendered expectations hurt men like they hurt us.” As my best friend put it, “I just want to live in a world where I can wear a tiny dress and heels out and guy doesn’t think it’s OK to stick his hand up my skirt.”

Becky’s original article can be found at qmunicate.wordpress.com

Since the publishing of Becky’s article, there have been developments in the recent controversy about Glasgow University Feminist Society. Laura Thomas reports the recent changes: Glasgow University Feminist Society’s recent controversial decisions relating to the role of men within the society have been successfully challenged by the Student’s Representative Council. An April meeting of the Feminist Society saw members vote in favour of prohibiting men from standing for executive society positions, unless no women put themselves forward. In addition, the society decided that female members would have the ability to decide whether or not male members’ votes could count when it came to individual society issues.

The debate over whether these decisions were in the name of true equality came to a head when the SRC questioned the legitimacy of a university society which essentially excludes some of its membership from the ability to truly participate. VP Amy Johnson advised the society, in an Emergency General Meeting on the 11th May, that they would no longer be able to affiliate with the SRC if they continued to limit men’s involvement in running for positions, due to Equal Opportunities Policy. This may have been something that the club should have been aware of, given that the current President of the Feminist Society is the SRC’s Gender Equality Officer.

The members of the society eventually compromised, and voted to ensure that women hold two of the three board positions, thus potentially allowing a male member onto the executive. Interestingly though, men are still prohibited from running for President under the new policy, prompting questions about how stringently the SRC enforce their equal opportunities policy in cases of male, rather than female, exclusion. Glasgow University’s Feminist Society appears to adhere to a specific type of feminism, in which men, who want to take an active part in the feminist debate, are denied the chance purely because of their gender. That the SRC did not challenge the second policy, concerning women voting on whether men’s votes count, and accepted the society’s token gesture of opening up a board position, suggests that feminism on campus is heading in a direction which may alienate future members. The Feminist Society, and perhaps the SRC, does not seem concerned with the notion that feminism be open to all. [Becky Male & Laura Thomas]

No Boys AllowedBecky Male defends her article and Laura Thomas talks recent

developments

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Dictatorships across North Africa and the Middle East have been rocked by the waves of revolution, coming under the catch-all term of ‘The Arab Spring’. Although it’s been represented as a single body of rebellion, the reasons behind these uprisings couldn’t be more different. TunisiaThe first country to start revolting was Tunisia. The catalyst was an unemployed Tunisian national setting himself alight to protest against joblessness in Sidi Bouzid, southern Tunisia. This kickstarted similar incidents, widespread protests and a social movement demanding change and better job opportunities. They eventually overthrew President Ben Ali, ending his 23 years in power. This was the staring pistol for peoples across the world to band together and rebel against their governments. With the dissolution of the government the country is still rocked by protest in the south, with crime rates skyrocketing. This has sparked fears that evidence of Western influence, such as embassies, will come under attack from a growing Islamist presence in the country.

Egypt Inspired by the people of Tunisia, many began to protest in Egypt. They demanded political reforms and in particular the removal of their dictator, President Hosni Mubarak, who had ruled over them for nearly three decades. Notable in the Egyptian protests was the newly adopted method of using social networking sites such as Facebook to arrange mass protests. The focus of the protests became the famous

Tahrir (Liberation) Square, where protesters after 18 days heard President Mubarak had reluctantly resigned. Since the fall of Mubarak the country has been trying to form a new government. An election timetable has been created, but candidates’ declarations are met with protests, as well as regular protests after prayers on a Friday. Egypt is still awaiting a successful end to their revolution.

Libya Protests in Libya started in the East and the suburbs around the capital, Tripoli. Colonel Muammar Gaddafi had ruled since 1969 and had not improved the lives of Libyans despite the country’s oil wealth. As the weeks turned into months it became clear that Gaddafi was not going to back down with ease and the UN initiated discussions for him to step down peacefully. He also had a loyal police force and army who defended their fearless leader. Gaddafi, insistent that his people still adored him, released questionable footage of his supporters protesting for him. Eventually Gaddafi loyalists started to either abandon their posts or change sides altogether. The protests ended with Gaddafi’s assassination by opposition forces before a trial could take place. Today Libya remains very dangerous. Tribes have become very powerful in the power vacuum and weapons from the conflict have fallen into the hands of criminals. The only people in Libya who are not allowed to have weapons are foreign security officials. Further violence is possible and could erupt with little warning. Libya has ground to a

halt, with infrastructure ineffective after the government’s collapse. The Libyan people are no longer afraid of an oppressive dictator but they now have to contend with armed criminals in a lawless country. BahrainBahrain’s Shi’a Muslim population saw what had happened in Tunisia and Egypt and rose up against the ruling Sunni elite, protesting a corrupt regime as well as their religious differences. A focus for protesters’ anger is the prominent al-Khalifa family, who hold most of the governmental and ministerial positions (including President). Saudi Arabia sent troops to Bahrain to quell protests, raising further anger. This is reportedly due to the Saudi Royal family also being Sunni Muslims, but crushing the revolution in Bahrain would keep their influence strong within the region. Saudi had also been having their own small areas of unrest in the Eastern region which is heavily populated by Shi’a Muslims; they used this opportunity to show the protesters in their own country how much force would be used against them if they tried to revolt. There are still many anti-government demonstrations in Bahrain and an ongoing crackdown on opposition activists. The smaller Shi’a tribes around the capital, Manama, are still continuing to protest however it is unlikely that large scale unrest will be seen in the near future. YemenIn Yemen the main protests took place in the capital, Sana’a, in a place called Change Square in January 2011. The initial protests were against

Changing Seasons Why you might want to reconsider calling it the Arab Spring

Egyptian Protestors in Tahrir (Liberation) Square Free Syrian Army members posing on top of a captured army vehicle; An armoured car stands guard in front of the Ministry building in Tunisia Protestors in Bahrain, March 2011

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government corruption, unemployment and distressing economic conditions. The protests were fuelled by the fall of the Tunisian President and the revolution increased in popularity but were met with a more heavy-handed approach to crushing the revolt. As protests againt the regime increased President Saleh eventually signed a deal to transfer his office and all his power to his Vice-President Abd Rabbuh Mansur al-Hadi in November 2011. The transfer took place on February 27th. Yemen is still in political turmoil; supporters of the old President still remain and they strive to destabilise the new government. An increasing problem is Al-Qaeda linked fighters infiltrating the lawless southern region of Yemen, continuing to blow up oil pipelines and cause major disruption for the country and its economy. I think it’s doubtful that Yemen will be peaceful in the near future.

Oman There have also been protests in Oman. I lived in its capital, Muscat, for five years and have seen first-hand the changes that the ruler, Sultan Qaboos has made. He repeatedly raised the minimum wage and created a program called ‘Omanisation’, which required companies to employ a quota of Omani citizens. Protests sprung up across the country, demanding the abolition of taxes and the reduction of foreign workers in private companies, in order to create jobs for Omanis. Protesters set a police station on fire in Sohar, one of the smaller cities in Oman. Four protesters have been killed by Oman’s security forces during a crackdown on protests.

KuwaitProtests in Kuwait began when Kuwaiti citizens were given a cash handout and food grant to commemorate 20 years since its liberation from Iraq. However, this wasn’t extended to Kuwait’s semi-nomadic Bedouin population, causing them to protest demanding their right to full citizenship. What followed was many anti-government riots and calls for the Prime Minister to step down. Kuwait has experienced political troubles over the past six years with the resignation of seven different governments and the dissolving of parliament on four occasions. On November 28th the Emir of Kuwait accepted the Prime Minister and his cabinet’s resignations and elections were planned for February. There were still riots leading up to the election and the day before the election, tribes stormed a news station which was hosting one of the pro-government candidates. The election saw many opposition candidates win seats in the National Assembly and there have not been any major riots or protests since.

Syria The protests in Syria began as public demonstrations around the country. The demands were the resignation of the President Bashar al-Assad, the overthrow of his Government and an end to nearly five decades of the party’s rule. The Syrian government deployed its army to quell the uprising, but this only fuelled the protests more and more. The situation has come to a deadlock, with both sides vehemently refusing to back down. In contrast to the situation in Bahrain, the ruling

Changing Seasons

Egyptian Protestors in Tahrir (Liberation) Square Free Syrian Army members posing on top of a captured army vehicle; An armoured car stands guard in front of the Ministry building in Tunisia Protestors in Bahrain, March 2011

elite in Syria are mainly Shi’a Muslims and the opposition are Sunni Muslims. This means the opposition are supported by Bahrain and Saudi Arabia, while the government is supported by Iran and Hezbollah. The aim of this collaboration with the government is to create a corridor of Shi’a Islam stretching from Lebanon to Iran across the top of the Arabian Peninsula. The protests in Syria are still very much in the public eye; the UK media reports on it more regularly than other countries mentioned in this article. The UN had demanded that Syria cease all armed violence, however neither side has backed down. Therefore the UN has unanimously decided to send military observers to Syria in order to keep an eye on the ceasefire.

There are still many issues and protests gutting the Middle East even now, and they aren’t being called to our attention by the media. Their ‘grouping together’ of all the revolts led to them being assumed to be a homogenous, pan-Arab movement, which simply isn’t the case.Yes, they were all spurred on by the initial protests in Tunisia but the reasons behind the protests had varied from religion tp ecpnpmic reasons. This brings me back to my main issue with the catch-all term ‘Arab Spring’; it insinutates that there was a fixed period of time and reason that these protests took place. This isn’t true and the media shouldn’t forget about the people who are still suffering. In future we should make sure we take the time to really find out more about what is going on and don’t just trust the UK media.[Mhairi Elaine Bruce]

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features

We’re a lucky generation. Not only were our childhoods blissfully played out to the sounds of the Spice Girls, Steps, and/or Greenday, but we also grew up with that most magical of inventions; the Internet. Our older relatives were initially bemused by this new phenomenon, but quietly, they caught up with us, and many a tale can be heard of rekindled romances courtesy of Friends Reunited. For our parents, the Internet is a tool that allows them to reminisce about the past; for us, the Internet IS our past. YouTube means that us fresh-faced young people can tap into nostalgia with the click of a button, whether it be listening to 90’s TV theme tunes, or bidding on ebay for tickets to the latest reunion tour. Which leads me to ask, are we turning into a generation which is trying to remember the past before it’s had time to pass?

Facebook is the most obvious way in which we can tap into days gone by. Most people will still be ‘friends’ with people from school, when in actual fact, the only reason you keep them linked to your online world, and them to you, is that you quite like seeing what they’re doing, and more importantly, whether or not their life is better than yours. I personally am a fan of checking to see whether the girl from English’s baby is cuter than the girl from Science’s (it’s

not; and also, the girl from English un-friended me when her pal heard me discussing said baby’s lack of cuteness in a pub). Our instant access to photos from the past will diminish their value, something which is arguably evident in the huge growth of Instagram, where the simple sandy effect can evoke feelings of nostalgia, even when the photo was taken two seconds ago on the grassy bit outside the library.

It will be interesting to see how people our age approach that benchmark of nostalgia; the school reunion. Without the motivation to see who got fat, thin, rich, or put on probation, will there be any need to go? Social networks and Google mean we’ll be able to continue to compare our lives to the school bully, the shy-but-clever computer whizz, and the smokin’ hot-but-a-bit-dim sporty lads and lasses from

Back in my Day...

the comfort of our sofas, and then respond appropriately (i.e. gloat or cry).

It’s hardly surprising that we seem obsessed with clinging onto the past; those rose-tinted glasses are mighty handy at times. No-one wants to look back on their adolescence and only be able to remember the bad things. We are constantly being reminded by the media that this is the worst recession in living memory, so good luck finding a job or happiness. That we want to remember a time when things were simpler is natural, as is wanting to live for the moment. And obviously, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having fond memories. By all means, hark back to your childhood to your heart’s content. In fact, embrace it even more, as perhaps our instant ability to see our history online will make it difficult for us to view our seminal university years with the same level of wistfulness.

[Laura Thomas]

Laura Thomas gets a bit nostalgic

“It’s hardly surprising that we seem obsessed with clinging onto the past”

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features

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On our quest for hipster status, we decided to explore some of the many vintage outlets that the West End has to offer. We know it has been done to death; student journalists write relentlessly about ‘vintage fashion’, but we fancied a jaunt to the shops, so we thought we’d give it a go. We also know tackling vintage shops can be a daunting prospect, so we’ve braved some of them for you.

Retro (8 Otago Street):

Located on Otago Street, just off Great Western Road, is one of Glasgow’s original vintage shops.The lovely staff are more than happy to give advice, and alerted us to the treasure trove that is their basement. Apparently many people (us included) are completely unaware that the shop has a downstairs. While Retro offers some very wearable pieces, including a decent selection of tea dresses, it is especially good for formal wear – from 50s prom dresses to 70s catsuits. The shop also stocks some more modern second-hand pieces, as well as designer items, many of which are priced under £20.

Watermelon/Glasgow Vintage Company (453/ 603 Great Western Road):

These stores will soon be merging, but currently, both are havens for hipsters, having a young vibe. As a result, their stock is mostly trend-driven and therefore wearable, which means that this is not necessarily where to look if you want something a little

more unique and original. Were it not for their musty scent, most of their garments could easily pass as Topshop purchases. It has a great menswear selection and is good for wardrobe staples such as knitwear, jeans and scarves. A rummage through the stock revealed some quirky items on offer; for example, Watermelon is the only shop in which we’ve seen vintage swimming costumes on sale. While we weren’t keen on a 50 year old bikini, they were reasonably priced.

Starry Starry Night (19 Dowanside Lane):

As the oldest vintage shop in the area, Starry Starry Night has a reputation for excellence in vintage. It’s worth a visit even if you’re just window shopping – a quick inspection reveals an Aladdin’s Cave of second hand eccentricity. It’s full of military coats, furs, leather gloves, glittering brooches and formal dresses, as well as a separate jewellery section. Some of their clothes are a little out of the student price range – as well as out of what would be defined as ‘wearable’ by sane human beings – but if youwant to splash out on something truly unique it’s most definitely worth a look.

[Abbey Shaw & Suki McFarland]

VintageWest End

Abbey and Suki get let loose to talk shoes

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This summer’s music festivalspreview

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Scotland’s favourite music festival returns for its 18th year this summer, and thousands of dedicated pilgrims will flock to Balado Park in Kinross for the four day event. The festival’s success and longevity are undoubtedly due to an ever diverse line up, with a great mix of big names and new talent that really does appeal to all audiences. This year sees Snow Patrol, The Stone Roses and Kasabian headlining the main stage, with an equally impressive support comprised of huge acts including New Order, Florence and the Machine, David Guetta and Nicki Minaj.

Away from the main stage, the festival also offers a host of up and coming acts, and you can even catch some unsigned talent at the famous T Break Stage, which is well known as a discovery ground for great new artists. The Slam Tent is also a unique experience, showcasing some of the best dance acts around. This year we can look forward to the likes of Skream, Benga, Crookers and more. As well as music, T in the Park offers a wide range of attractions, including a fairground, comedy acts, a cabaret tent and even an outdoor cinema.

It’s this diversity that makes T so great, and has established it as one of the most important UK summer festivals. For me, past years have involved shimmying to Bjorn Again(the Abba cover band), gazing questioningly at “Lady” Gaga’s crotch, all before shedding an actual proper tear during a set from Blur - where else can you squeeze all that in to one weekend?

[Abbey Shaw]

5th - 8th July

For those that aren’t aware of it, Belladrum Tartan Heart Festival takes place on the lovely, wooded Belladrum estate near Inverness and is one of those excellent smaller British festivals that has enjoyed growing success in recent years without losing its friendly, grass-roots vibe.

This year sees it return for the ninth time on the 3rd and 4th of August, with the usual blend of music both local and international, eclectic craft stalls and random bits of installation art dotted about the place. There are five stages, the biggest of which is the Garden Stage,

featuring grassy Italian terraces which lead down the slope to where headliners Travis and The Wombats will perform this year. Other 2012 highlights include Scottish champions Frightened Rabbit, old-school punks Buzzcocks and some great American artists including We Are Scientists and Willy Mason.

But it is the less well-known music and the prospect of discovering something new and special that makes Belladrum so exciting. The promoters have a knack for booking excellent up and coming bands (the likes of Biffy Clyro have played one of the smaller stages in the

past) and I’ve personally discovered bands including Twin Atlantic, The Xcerts and Punch and the Apostles there, all of whom were playing tiny stages.

As far as other attractions go, there are comedy and burlesque shows, tents to sit and meditate in, a lot of surprisingly good food vans and some unique and interesting shopping stalls. This is a truly fun and distinctive festival, with a lot to do for a reasonable price.

[Alasdair Begg]

2nd - 4th August

We swap reviews for previews

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This summer’s music festivalspreview

15

If the usual big summer festivals aren’t your thing, or if you fancy something a bit different this year, the Hebridean Celtic festival could be for you. Situated in Stornoway on the Isle of Lewis, the festival has been offering the best in contemporary Celtic music since 1996.

But what exactly can be classified as ‘Celtic’ music? Here, at least, it seems to refer to traditional Scottish music, as well as anything that is influenced by traditional Scottish music, is a bit folksy or is Scottish and features an acoustic guitar. Not that this vague category is a problem; this year’s line-up looks to have

some great acts, including Admiral Fallow, Washington Irving, Roddy Woomble, and folk-rave pioneers Niteworks. Other familiar names include The Proclaimers, Hebridean steadfasts Skerryvore, Skippinish (featuring a new line-up) and golden oldies The Waterboys, who set the record for the biggest ever gig in the islands in 2003 (it’s up to you to decide whether that’s a big deal or not).

Amongst the other bits and pieces planned in and around the site are various walks and workshops and the annual HebCelt Shinty Challenge Cup match, with the throw-up

(shinty equivalent of kick-off, not vomit-related) at 2pm on the Saturday. There will also apparently be people wandering about performing ‘Random Acts’, including ‘Jim The Magician’, who does magic, and someone called ‘The Recycled Poet’, who smokes a pipe in silence but will recite poetry if prompted with the appropriate codeword. Bizarre. If you fancy getting involved in what looks like it might be a lot of fairly wacky fun, further (extensive) details can be found at http://www.hebceltfest.com.

[Alasdair Begg]

Wickerman has always delivered a quality alternative to more mainstream festivals, grabbing an eclectic mix of music from across the globe and sticking it all in a field in South West Scotland. Don’t be put off by its remote location though; this festival has consistently been one of the most fantastic weekends out there, with some of the very best acts from every kind of music playing.

Last year Echo and the Bunnymen and The Coral took to the main stage and by all accounts gave a fantastic performance. Previous years have seen the likes of The Human League and

Idlewild form part of the ever-excellent line-up.Rolling in on July 20th, Wickerman 2012 has a bit of everything: electro-clash gods Scissor Sisters (my favourite guilty pleasure) are headlining along with Bearsden lovelies Texas and Scotland’s favourite indie lads The View, their stages gathered around the eponymous giant Wicker Man which is ignited at the end of the festival. Suspicious policemen trapped inside are apparently not a usual feature, but hey, there’s a first time for everything.*

A full adult ticket at Wickerman comes in at a cool £90, making the prospect of the festival

even more tempting, and it has a reputation for people going absolutely wild. Let’s face it, anything that involves burning a giant wooden person has got to be mental anyway. So if you’re fed up of the mud, the swarming tent fields and needing a mortgage on a pint of bitter maybe it’s time to try something new this summer. It’s a great line-up, it’s a wee adventure the down the road and it won’t break the bank. See you in Dumfries.[Andrew McAllister]

*qmunicate does not endorsea first (or any) time for homicide.

20th & 21st July

to give you the run down

11th - 14th July

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preview

16

Arts Festivals

This year sees the 66th occurrence of the Edinburgh International Film Festival, which is famous the world over for celebrating and promoting some of the best that international cinema has to offer. Two of its major patrons being Tilda Swinton and Robert Carlyle, and established in 1947, the past decade has seen the festival has screen everything from the savage and edgy Amores Perros and Let The Right One In, through block-busting hits like The Hurt Locker and Billy Elliot, to heart-warming tales such as Little Miss Sunshine and Ratatouille.

The organisation of last year’s festival was criticised (for, among other things, managing to screen a ‘new’ film that had actually been

20TH JUNE - 1ST JULY 2012

Summer Film PreviewsWith Avengers Assemble having just shot the starting pistol, we take a look at what you can expect from this year’s summer blockbusters. At the end of May we finally get Men in Black 3, which looks to be a great nostalgia trip, but with little substance. June brings us two of the summer’s darker films, with Snow White and the Huntsman and Prometheus. Don’t let Kristen Stewart put you off, Snow White looks set to be the far better adaption of the classic tale released this year. Prometheus, set in the same universe as director Ridley Scott’s previous film Alien, is sure to be an intense sci-fi thriller that most will enjoy.

Spider-Man returns to our screens in The Amazing Spider-Man. A reboot is what Spider-Man needed, but I have my doubts whether moody is the way to go, when it is clearly the schtick of its competitor, The Dark Knight Rises. Due for release in late July, the final part of

Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy could be the best movie of the summer. With Tom Hardy as Bane it’s sure to be as tense as previous films, but Anne Hathaway as Catwoman may not live up to expectations.

Ted is Seth MacFarlane’s first cinematic endeavour and will be a must-see for fans of Family Guy and the like. A more uncertain property is G.I. Joe 2. The first one sucked, but the trailers don’t look half bad. Killing Channing Tatum off in a trailer is fine with me, throw in The Rock and Bruce Willis, and this could be pretty good.

If action’s what you want, though, The Expendables 2 is the way to go, now with more Willis and Schwarzenegger and a dash of Norris and Van Damme. It will be stupid, but it will be full of action and cheesy one-liners and a good laugh.

The Disney/Pixar film of the year, Brave, comes out towards the end of the summer; being set in Scotland, I am excited and so should you be. The summer ends with Adam Sandler comedy That’s My Boy. I wouldn’t get my hopes up for this one.

[Kerr Stevenson]actus cute viriver vivit? Paterum Paturop onsiderione nonc occivastis

shown at the previous year’s festival), but the event has been in a transitionary period, and will no doubt fare better than ever in 2012. Some of its films have even been nominated at the prestigious Academy Awards (The Oscars to me and you) in the categories Best Documentary Feature, Short Film (Live Action), and Short Animation, with all three films being directorial debuts.

The festival opens on June 20th, with the UK premiere of the eagerly anticipated black comic-thriller Killer Joe, and closes, impressively, on the 30th with the European premiere of Disney/Pixar’s new computer-generated animation flick, Brave. Think what you will about their take on the story of a bonnie wee Scottish princess

who is ‘determined to make her own path in life’; this is actually quite a big deal for Scotland as part of the global film industry, and features several Scottish voices including Billy Connolly, Robbie Coltrane and about half the cast of Scottish cinema staple, Trainspotting.

And as Alex Salmond pointed out in his announcement of the premiere, it’ll be great for tourism too! Goody. Regardless, this year’s festival is shaping up to be excellent, with an impressive line-up and what is sure to be plenty of that good old Edinburgh festival spirit. Further details, updates and tickets can be found at http://www.edfilmfest.org.uk/

[Alasdair Begg]

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If you’ve ever heard anything about the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, then everything you’ve heard is true. Usually simultaneously. If you haven’t, we’ve got an awful lot to get through in the next couple hundred words. You can use Wikipedia if you’re set on finding out about its history, but I’m going to focus on what you can look forward to today.

The Edinburgh Festival Fringe is the largest performing arts festival in the whole wide world. What you really need to know is that you have never experienced anything quite like this before, and are unlikely to experience

anything like it again, anywhere else. Last year’s Fringe saw over 2,500 shows, ranging from experimental dance to student sketch comedy, from daring new theatre to phenomenal musicianship. The city’s population more than triples for the month of August, despite a great deal of the natives temporarily emigrating to avoid the fuss. Performances begin as early as 9am, and go on as late as 5am, with some even lasting more than one night.

I’d advise getting to Edinburgh nice and early for some brunch, then taking a walk down the Royal Mile. It will be full of people desperate

to get you to their show, so while you should probably book at least some tickets in advance, be open to any suggestions and take advantage of as many free tickets as possible.

Stay up as long as possible and if nothing else, be sure to catch one of the infamous late night variety shows. If you do it properly, you should be able to stay awake until the first trains start back to Glasgow the next day.

And to properly immese yourself, pick one year to bring your own show or find work for the whole month. [Nina Ballantyne]

The Glasgow West End Festival began 17 years ago as a small one week event that largely centred on theatre. Now, it spans 24 days and includes dozens of walks and talks, as well as daily theatre, music, and comedy. The musical highlight will undoubtedly be the final day (June 24th), when We Were Promised Jetpacks, Aidan Moffat and Withered Hand (along with six others) will be playing the Oran Mor. Another great Glasgow band are Woodenbox, and you can catch them twice in one day at Captain’s Rest (June 3rd, 4pm & 8pm).

If these gigs aren’t to your taste you might enjoy the Electric String Orchestra (Oran Mor 31st May), a thirteen-piece orchestra who do

enjoyable covers of artists like David Bowie and Radiohead. Another string to the festival’s bow is the thriving comedy repertoire. The Saturday show is by far the most popular, and boasts the best comedians of the festival, but Cargo Hold Comedy at the Tall Ship, which, one would

Other Upcoming Events

3RD - 27TH AUGUST 2012

1ST - 24TH JUNE 2012

imagine, is pretty much what it says on the tin, also has a decent line-up (7pm, Friday 17th of June).

Besides Shakespeare in the Botanics (Wed 20-Sat 23rd, The Tempest and Romeo and Juliet on offer over the 4 days) everything else seems to lack appeal with the likes of ‘The Quirky West End Tour’ and ‘Miss West End’ leaving nothing but a bad taste in the mouth. It’s not dazzling, but the West End Festival tries hard to make something nice for everybody on your doorstep, and who am I to say you won’t like fly fishing?

[Tom Kelly]

• Lomond Folk Festival• 28 Jul 2012 To 29 Jul 2012

• Merchant City Festival• 21 Jun 2012 To 24 Jun 2012

• Coloursfest 2012• 2 Jun 2012 To 2 Jun 2012

• Found Footage Festival• 8 Jul 2012 To 8 Jul 2012

• Silverburn’s Live Fashion Festival• 1 Jun 2012 To 4 Jun 2012

• Glasgow Science Festival• 5 Jun 2012 To 17 Jun 2012

• Piping Live• 6 Aug 2012 To 12 Aug 2012

• Festival of the Guild• 25 Jun 2012 To 28 Jun 2012

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Sport

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The Olympic Games. The world’s biggest sporting event with over 10,000 athletes from 204 nations. As Britain prepares to host them for the first time since 1948, we discuss not the prestige of the occasion, but rather we analyse the Olympics event by event – where better to start than by questioning the presence of our national sport?

Football, the world’s most popular sport. is played by over 250,000,000 people in 200 countries. Even at this fundamental level, this legitimises the presence of football in the Olympics. The International Olympic Committee define eligibility for a sport to be deemed Olympic as being widely practised. The exception of football from the Olympics

would question the stature of the Games. By omitting the world’s most popular sport, the Olympics’ reputation as the pinnacle of global sport would be destroyed. Whilst it is accurate to say that football is not a traditional ‘Olympic’ sport – it was not present in the ancient Games – it has been absent at just two Games since the first ‘modern’ Games in 1896. If we are to take the road of the fundamentalists who ignore this and continue to criticise football’s inclusion in the Olympics based on the Games’ ancient tradition then someone will have to tell Usain Bolt to brush up on his Greek if he wants to run this summer.

Of course football should be at the Olympics. How could it be justified to hold the world’s

biggest sporting event and not include the world’s largest sport? 2.3 billion people watched the 2010 World Cup, including people from every nation on the planet. Football has global appeal and inspires generation after generation of youngsters from the impoverished Brazilian favelas to the American Ivy League Schools. The Olympic motto is ‘Faster, Higher, Stronger’ and where better to express that than on a football pitch where 22 players are tested to their very limits for an hour and a half?

To keep the world’s national sport away from the world’s multi-national Games would weaken both – and sport on a global sphere would be worse for it.[Alan Compton]

This summer the elite of Europe’s footballing nations will go head to head in Euro 2012, hosted by Poland and Ukraine. Scotland won’t be there. Scotland hasn’t been there, or any major tournament, for quite some time. 1998 in fact. And when Scotland has qualified for a tournament it has never managed anything past the group stage.

There are a number of reasons for this but the most obvious and simple reason is Scotland does not possess players of the necessary calibre to be allowed into the company of the elite. While this may seem self evident, this realisation then begs the question why? Why are our players inferior now when in the past Scotland has produced prodigious talents such as Kenny Dalglish, Jimmy Johnstone and Steve Archibald? All these players were highly decorated; winning competitions such as the English top flight, the European Cup and the

F.A Cup while playing for huge clubs such as Barcelona or Liverpool.

In recent times the only player who springs to mind as having a legitimate claim to having mixed it with the very top of the sport is Darren Fletcher at Manchester United, but it would be a stretch to claim that he was ever a central figure, and sadly now illness may put an end to his career prematurely.

One of the many reasons for this dearth of class since the late eighties is the fact that football has changed and Scotland has not changed with it. The virtues of precise passing and glue like close control are overlooked in favour of physicality, stamina, and tenacity. All of these are important qualities, but beautiful football and greatness are to be found in the first two skills. In schools throughout Scotland children can be found learning their football on full

size, or nearly full size pitches, with full size goals and full size balls, despite the fact that by definition children are not full sized people. In this environment the skills that lead to success are not patient passing in order to work your way through a defence or samba soccer dribbling to work your way out of a tight space. When the pitch is huge and the people aren’t the best players become the ones who can kick it furthest up the pitch, run fast enough to pick it up (or are tall enough to head it away) and the ones with the required stamina to never stop running. Physicality triumphs over technique and football intelligence never gets a look in. Chelsea are, painfully, the newly crowned champions of Europe and while few would say they play beautiful football, their defence is controlled, disciplined and intelligent. Even in a team as dull as they, there is no room for the ‘headless chicken’ type player that Scotland seems adept at churning out. [Liam Hainey]

WHY FOOTBALL HAS TO BE AN OLYMPIC SPORT

AND WHY SCOTLAND REMAIN SO POOR AT IT...

ALPHONSE, UNEMPLOYED LION TAMER

ALPHONSE, UNEMPLOYED LION TAMER