Is Your Partner Abusive

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s your partner emotionally abusive?cha Pant

December 01, 2006

Part I: Are you being physically abused?Part III: Are you being financially abused?

In any successful marriage, you will find that the partners love, care and respect each other.

When you enter into a marital relationship, you expect your emotions to be respected and nurtured and vice versa.

Most people assume that if they're not being physically abused by their partner, they're not being abused. That's not necessatrue. You might be in a relationship that is draining something from you; you may not even be aware that your partner haseroded your self-esteem and happiness.

"Although physical abuse is thought to be the most obvious form of abuse, emotional abuse has the potential to be even more

devastating than physical abuse. This is because it is hard to prove and, thus, difficult to stop," says psychologist Dr VandanaMathur. Many people find that emotional abuse is difficult to even talk about, as others seldom take it seriously.

What is emotional abuse?

Abuse is any behaviour that controls and subjugates another person by means of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercionmanipulation, etc. "Emotional abuse can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics likerepeated disapproval," says Dr Mathur.

Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse rests on the premise of power and control. "It eventuallybrainwashes the victim. It systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, self-worth and trust in their ownperceptions," says Vijay Malhotra (name changed), 28, a software engineer at an IT firm in Delhi, Vijay says he experiencedemotional abuse in his marriage due to his wife's constant criticism and diatribes.

Types of emotional abuse

Rejection: Refusing to acknowledge a person's presence or worth; telling him/ her that he/ she is useless or inferior; devaluinher/ his thoughts and feelings.

Verbal assaults: Degrading, insulting, ridiculing, belittling, criticising, name calling, screaming, threatening, behaviour that, ovtime, erodes the identity, dignity and self-worth of the person.

Terrorism: Inducing terror or extreme fear in a person; intimidating; placing or threatening to send a person to an unfit ordangerous environment.

Isolation: Restricting normal contact with others; limiting freedom within the person's own environment.

Unreasonable expectations: Placing unreasonable demands and wanting a person to put everything else aside to tend to thneeds.

Constant chaos: Deliberately starting arguments and being in constant conflict with others. The person may be 'addicted todrama' since it creates a sense of excitement.


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Denial: Denying a person's emotional needs with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating him/ her. Also, denying thatcertain events occurred or that certain things were said by saying, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about,"etc. The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and even question your sanity.

Withholding: Another form of denying. It includes refusing to communicate and emotionally withdrawing from the other persoas punishment; this is also known as the 'silent treatment'.

Domination: Wanting to control your every action. They have to have their own way and will even resort to threats in order todo so. When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.

Emotional blackmail: Playing on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, and other 'emotional buttons' to get what they want. Tcould include threats to end the relationship, to totally reject or abandon you, or the use of other fear tactics to control you.

Invalidation: Undermining a person's perceptions of their world. For example, if the recipient tells the abuser they felt hurt bysomething he/ she did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you."

Unpredictable responses: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. This is damaging because it always keepsyou on edge. An alcoholic, for example, is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding andanxiety provoking.

Irresponsible behaviour: Thinking every chore and duty in the marriage is the partner's responsibilty. Not assisting in any wrelating to the household, family or children. Adding to the burden by making cutting remarks about how poorly you manage tchildren/ household.

Cycle of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse often follows a pattern.

In the first phase, there is a build-up of tension and a breakdown in communication.

The second phase involves the actual incident of verbal and emotional abuse.

The third phase involves reconciliation. The abuser apologises, offers excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurredsays it wasn't as bad as the victim claims.

Finally, in the fourth phase, there is calm. The incident is 'forgotten' and no abuse is taking place.

Then, after some time, the cycle repeats itself.

Characteristics of emotional abuse

~ Emotional abuse accompanies other forms of abuse, but can also occur on its own.

~ No abuse -- neglect, physical, or financial -- can occur without psychological consequences. Therefore, all abuse containselements of emotional abuse.

~ Emotional abuse follows a pattern. It is repeated and sustained. If left unchecked, it only gets worse.

~ Emotional abuse can severely damage the victim's sense of self-worth and perception.


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Repercussions of emotional abuse

"Repeated verbal abuse such as blaming, ridiculing, insulting, swearing, yelling and humiliation has long-term negative effectson your self-esteem. It contributes to a perception of uselessness, worthlessness and self-blame," says Geeta Singh (name

changed), 27, a teacher who was a victim of abuse in her first marriage but was fortunate enough to get out of it.

The one-up position the abuser assumes by judging or demeaning the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that ithe foundation of healthy adult relationships. This can result in what is known as 'learned helplessness'.

"By threatening to physically harm a partner, the abuser dominates him/ her and shows that he/ she is more powerful. Thepartner feels extremely terrorised, vulnerable and powerless within the relationship. This kind of emotional abuse makes anabused person feel helpless and isolated," says Dr Mathur.

"Jealousy, possessiveness and interrogation about a partner's whereabouts and activities are examples of controllingbehaviours that restrict a partner's independence and freedom," says Geeta.

"Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences, including severe depression, anxiety, low selfesteem, isolation from others, increased alcohol or drug use, emotional instability, sleep disturbances, physical complaints,extreme dependence and feelings of shame and self-blame," says Dr Mathur.

Eventually, emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating emotional scars that can be far deeper and more lastithan physical ones.

Are you suffering from emotional abuse?

Take a moment to consider these questions. They will help you identify if you are being emotionally abused, and provide somideas on what you can do about it.

Do you feel your partner controls your life?

Do you feel your partner doesn't value your thoughts and feelings? Does your partner ever criticise you, humiliate you, threaten/ intimidate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?

Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you're being abused is because he/ she loves you?

Does your partner tell you no one else would want you, or that you're lucky he/ she takes care of you?

Does your partner use the children against you in arguments or threaten you'll never see them again if you leave?

Does your partner blame you for whatever goes wrong?

Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him/ her?

Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping or alcohol usage?

Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed most of the time?

Have you lost self-confidence and are unable to make decisions for yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or neighbours?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship? Does your partner refuse to share household and family responsibilities?


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What can you do about it

Realise that emotional abuse is a serious problem, and can be as bad or worse than physical abuse.

Emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse. Take the issue your own safety and the safety of your children (if any)seriously.

Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behaviour and that no one ever deserves to be abused.

Find people to talk to, who can support you. Consider going for counselling. If possible, convince your spouse to go awell. Take the help of your near and dear ones.

Know that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any type of abusemay take time.

Trust yourself and your own perceptions. Believe in your strengths.

Remember that you are not alone and help is available.

Getting your self-esteem back on track is a priority. Often, we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to betreated. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, it's quite possible we treat ourselves the same way.

What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as "I am no good" or "I never do anything right" dominate yourthought process? Learning to love and care for yourself increases self-esteem and makes it more likely you will have healthyrelationships.


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Are you being physically abused?

cha Pant

November 30, 2006

Marriage has an almost immediate association with 'happily ever after' in our minds. A wedding is assumed to immediately brchanges for the better. Unfortunately, reality is different. Many marriages are full of abuse -- physical, emotional, and financial

In this, the first part of a three-part series, we take a look at physical abuse: what prompts it, what feeds it, and how to cope.

Three common problems in a marriage

It could happen to anyone

One of the common misconceptions is that educated, well-off families are free of domestic violence. "Physical abuse has noeducational, economic, racial, gender, or religious boundaries," says psychologist Dr Vandana Mathur.

"It [physical abuse] takes place in families from all walks of life. Either men or women can be the victim," she adds. It might behard to imagine, but whether a woman is a housewife or an engineer, and whether her husband is a chartered accountant or aabourer, has no direct relationship with abuse.

Psyche of an abuser

The dynamics of spousal abuse are complex. "There are many theories about violence leading to abuse and assault: hormonaor chemical imbalance, frustration, short temper, lack of self-control, childhood trauma, genetic and/ or physiological

abnormality, etc," says Dr Mathur.

The psyche of an abuser is complicated. Beneath the brutality there may be insecurity, self-doubt, anger and resentmenttowards others, unhappiness with life, jealousy, perhaps a mental illness.

Some cases are 'learned responses'. The male abuser may have been raised in a violent environment, where he was abusedhimself or saw his mother abused. If a woman is violent with her husband, she may have a history of violent acts against othe

"In men, it is sometimes related to male chauvinism -- perceiving that men are superior and the boss, while women shouldobey," says Dr Mathur.

"Many of these violent men internally feel their women are more capable and smarter. They may experience powerlessness,

vulnerability, dependency and low self-esteem. As a result, they may put their spouse down in an effort to exercise control andominate her," she adds.

Not just the men

Women too can sometimes be the perpetrators of domestic violence. Some women may have the same fears and weaknesseas men and may be in a situation where they can physically abuse their partner. "My best friend's wife has been physicallyaggressive with him a few times when she has lost her temper," reveals Rakesh Kumar, 29, a software engineer.


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But most psychologists say women are much less abusive than men.

"Men eventually cause more physical damage than women. There is a great difference between a female slap to the cheek ana hard male blow to the face, which causes damage. A slap expresses hurt feelings, but a blow demonstrates raw, destructiveand intimidating aggression," says Dr Mathur.

How the vicious cycle of abuse begins

The initial steps toward severe abuse may involve psychological aggression -- yelling, threatening, swearing, putting the otheperson down, insulting, etc.

"Sometimes, the abuser doesn't even realise s/ he is being abusive," says Geeta Singh (name changed), 27, a teacher who wa victim of abuse in her first marriage and managed to get out of the relationship in time.

Once this progresses into mild physical aggression, it frequently escalates into very severe forms of physical aggression. Thevictim may be traumatised and cruelly dominated to the extent s/ he feels helpless and worthless.

"The abused becomes so unable to confront the abuser that s/ he cannot walk out either. In fact, the most dangerous time iswhen s/he is trying to walk out," Singh adds.

The pattern

There are three different phases in marital abuse.

1. Conflict and tension: Every time a small negative incident occurs, tension in the relationship increases. This tension,eventually, brings on the next phase. Usually, the first phase lasts for long periods of time.

2. Abuse: This phase is usually set off by a particular event or set of circumstances, which are rarely the same and are mostlyunpredictable. It leaves the abused person physically and emotionally shattered.

Initially, there is shock and disbelief. More often than not, the abused chooses to forgive the abuser, remains silent and doesn

expose him/ her, although the sense of helplessness and feeling of hatred may increase.

3. Guilt and regret: This is when the abuser seems to be to be overcome with remorse, working hard to make up for what s/ hhas done with apparent acts of kindness and promises to never abuse again. "The spouse, in most cases a woman, usuallywelcomes this phase because she desperately wants to believe that her husband is sincere and wants things to be okay," saySingh. This phase may last a day or a few months. Eventually, however, the tensions begin to mount again and the cyclerepeats itself.

Understanding the silence

Outsiders wonder: Why do they remain together? Why doesn't s/ he leave?

Complex dynamics -- which can only be speculated upon -- keep an abusive couple together. There may be emotional bondsfears, guilt, children to care for, financial problems, and an underlying hope that things will improve.

Many women are afraid to report the abuse for fear of a backlash. "She is afraid of losing everything she considers dear -- hehusband, her children, her home, her financial support [in some cases], her family reputation, and her emotional and physicalwell-being, to name a few," says Singh.

"Most abused women have a need to be loved and keep hoping to get this love -- hence they tolerate the abuse," says NishiTripathi, 28, whose friend Malini (name changed), a housewife, suffered abuse for three years until her husband finally agreed


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undergo counselling. "At the same time, they feel wronged, hurt, and angry," she adds.

If it happens to you

The most important thing you need to do is be strong. Deal with the situation rationally. Do not tolerate suffering and humiliatioLearn to be self-sufficient and confident.

These important steps can help you avoid and deal with marital abuse:

1. See the signs:Psychological or verbal aggression should be considered an early warning sign that physical abuse is arounthe corner. Take verbal assaults and fits of rage very seriously.

2. Don't take the blame: Don't take responsibility for the abuse being inflicted upon you. Don't assume it will get better if yougnore the problem or work harder to pacify your spouse. Try your best to move away from the situation.

3. Break the silence: Tell your parents, an elder, or your close friend and take their help.

4: Get to a safe place: "If there exists immediate danger to your life, go to a friend or family member's house where you can

safely call for help," advises Nishi. In most cases, it is wise to report the abuse to the police.

5: Try counselling:Try to get your spouse to agree to it when s/ he is in the guilty phase. Your spouse may be suffering from amental illness and treatment may help. Try to convince your spouse or talk to his/ her close ones for help.

If you are the abuser

There are various self-control responses -- called stress inoculation techniques -- the abuser can practise.

"They block the decisions to take frustrations personally and help you to think of the situation differently, thus helping to avoidgetting sucked into the whirlpool of rage," says Dr Mathur. For example, when encountering a serious, scary issue, think: Ishould calm down, I can handle this rationally. When wanting to retaliate in an intensely destructive way, think: I'm not going tower myself to this level. Is there a solution to this?

The bottom line

No form of abuse is acceptable, no matter what the excuses may be. No person should ever become physically aggressive,ncluding physical threats, with another person -- and certainly not a loved one. If you ever find yourself in such a situation, doaccept it at any cost -- take proactive measures so you can live your life with the dignity and respect you deserve.


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Is Your Partner Abusive