Money Is Very ImportantHello dear friends! We are here to tell you about the wonders of employment and of selling your happiness to the god of cor-poratism like throwing your infant children into the fiery maw of the idol Moloch. You should abandon your dumb artistic ambitions and stop studying creative writing and theater in fa-vor of studying something useful, like THE MATHS FOR SOCIAL CHANGE or THE HETERONORMATIVITY OF WEB DESIGN or THE SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY OF WORKING IN A MIND-NUMBING UNFULFILLING SERVICE JOB FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS AFTER YOU GRADUATE. This message was brought to you by Wal*Mart.

THE OMEN

The NemoVol. !, Issue 10,

April 2013

Space Shapes: Fending off the Depression with Science!

Investment Tip for 2013:

Yes: Things that look like they come from space Priusseses, Windmills (they look like Tripods, from the White Mountain trilogy) and any kind of obelisk are in! iPhones are black and square, and it would be futile for monkeys to hit them, so you should invest.

No: Things that come from plants. Monsanto has poisoned us all!

Social Justice: If you cannot find a company in which to invest wihtout causing moral dismay among your students, consider a bank run! If you can persuade all of your stu-dents to withdraw all of their money from the bank at the same time, you will destabilize the capitalist system enough that if you invest in the now pennies-on-the-dollar stocks, in 50 years, you’ll have a vast institutiaonl endowment!

HELLO friends it has been a very long time since I, MICHAEL ZIMM have been here. Following the di-vorce and subsequent life reexamination of I, Michael Zimm, I, Michael Zimm, have not been working in the news media which was for so long the woman whom was held to the bosom of I, Michael Zimm, in the event that the wife of I, Micahel Zimm was unable to perform her wifely love because of the hours of work kept by I, Michael Zimm along with her other problems. Times were dark, but through it the NEMO was the res-pebtable news organization which like a starling soaring above the sky of heathens and fools whose inability to create news which was worthwhile made a justification for the life and work of I, Michael Zimm. When the recession came there was no way for I, Michaell Zimm to continue to support the news media which was the truest love of I, Michael Zimm. Now on campus, while I, Michael Zimm, have been living in raggs in a

Business and Investment News for Divestors From Business and Investment (and Israel)(and South Africa) (and Wal*Mart) (and Carbon Dioxide) (and Carbon.)

hovel of redueced dignity, however a news media outlet of preciesly equal repute worth and value has arrived to compete witih the Nemo in matters or frepute and value, a rivial which brings into question the vbalue and repute of I, MICHAEL ZIMM, and challege which I, MICHAEL ZIMM, wisht o meet head on! THE CHALLENGE OF I, MICHAEL ZIMM, WILL BE CREATED THROUGH FINDING A NICHE ON CAMPUS WHICH IS NEEDING TO BE FILLED AND THEN TO BEFILLING INT! NO MORE IS THE NEMO A PUBLICATION FOR NEWS AND NEWS MEDIA, BUT NOW IT IS THE FOREMOST INVESETMENT INVESTITURE AND BUSINESS PUBLICATION OF NEWS AND BUSINESS AND INVESEMVENT WHICH I, MICHAEL ZIMM, AND MY TEAM OF ACE STHOSTAGE REPORTERS SHALL BE PRODUCING FOR THOSE OF YOU HOO HAVE QUESTIONS AOBUT FINANCE. ASK THEM OF I, MICHAEL ZIMM, AND FOLLOW THE ADVICE WHICH WILL BE PUT FORTH FOR YOU BY, I, MICHAEL ZIMM, TO GET OUR LVIES BACK.

Jonathan Lash Reveals Secret Identity as Ralph Hexter Jonathan Lash revealed today that his true

identity is, in fact, despised and reviled former president Ralph Hexter, also known as Evil Wizard Randall Hexter. Div III students responded with collective horror, while everyone else was pretty much just like “Who?” More on this breaking news story as it develops.

Dean of Students Search Comes to an EndThe Dean of Students search committee announced this Friday that they had decided on a single candidate. After months of interviews and deliberation, the committee met with President Jonathan Lash to make their recommendations. The committee unanimously nominated student Evan Starsley F12, who is also a member of said com-mittee. President Lash enthusiastically agreed to hire Starsley, quoted as saying “Evan is precisely what we need for the Dean of Students position, not the least of which because he’s actually a student, which means that he’s nice and easy to manipulate into doing my bidding. I look forward to working with him over the coming years.” Little does President Lash know that soon, very soon, the tables will be turned. Starsley will also be taking the position of the new Chief of Police, as well as the newly created position of Dean of Community Overinvolvement, as well as the Senior Associate Assistant President, as well as spearheading the dawn of a new totalitarian regime under which Jonathan Lash will be a mere figurehead, a puppet through whom Starsley will impose his whims on the Hampshire populace like the tyrant that he is. I say to you, my dear readers, Starsley’s dastardly plan MUST BE STOPPED.

I am calling, my fellow citizencompatriotfriends, for an OVERTHROW OF THE NEW STUDENT GOVERNMENT. This will involve PROTESTING, and YELL-ING VERY LOUDLY ABOUT THINGS WE ARE ANGRY ABOUT, which from my understanding you are all very good at. Sometimes I wish I could be as loud and angry as you. I’ve always been shy and soft-spoken, and protesting is scary to me. I prefer to spend my time writing introspective and emotional poetry about things that make me sad. Sometimes I wonder how I got here, to this point, writing this article about the end of the Dean of Students search, sitting alone in the Nemo office where I, Michael Zimm, has chained me to the chair until I finish producing content for this publication of relevant news and business content. Sometimes I wonder why all of my relationships have been failures. I, Michael Zimm, has told me that I don’t even know what relationship failures are like, because I, unlike I, Michael Zimm, have not gone through the divorces. Maybe that’s true. I don’t know. All I know is that Dean of Stu-dents Starsley is evil. We must stop him. We must.

-Nathan Gard

Over the course of the last number of semesters, the Sr. Associate Dean of Students, The Associate Dean of Student Leadership, The Dean of Student Experience, The Community Advocacy Union, The Community Council, The Tri-Committee of Representatives of the Three Subcommittees, The Special Assistant to The President on Student Voices, the Alumni Fellow for Student Leadership Advising, and I, have been working on drafting our proposal for the new structure of Hampshire’s student government. We like to say that the structure is shaped like large thick-rimmed glasses (Attached is an organizational chart illustrating this). The five main components of the SGA match up to the five main components of a pair of black thick-rimmed glasses. And just like glasses, you really should only pay attention to the left and right lenses, they are the most important components and you can just not pay any mind to the left earpiece, right earpiece, and especially not the little bit in the middle that goes over your nose. The left lense corresponds to our proudest portion, the Church Meeting. We envision that it would be like the students of Hampshire are the villagers in a small town that meets in the basement of a church! Thus, Church Meeting!

Every student who remembers to show up in the small space we choose in the middle of the night will be able to discuss the hottest topics in an as-of-yet undecided meeting format! This is the main power-wielding body, as it has the most people in it! The right lense is the Reign Groups, called so because they have reign over aspects of student life that would be too weighty to deal with in the Church Meetings. There are five Reign Groups: Student Life, Student Experience, Student Essence, Student Activities, and Student Involvement. The designated purview of each Reign Group has not yet been finalized. The other, minor three aspects are the Planning Committee, Meeting of Seven, and the Implementation Officer. Corresponding to the left earpiece, right earpiece, and the little middle bit that goes over your nose respectively. The Planning Committee is composed of 15 students appointed by the Implementation Officer, they decide the agenda for the Church Meetings. The agenda is final and unchangeable after the Planning Committee has voted. The Planning Committee will interpret the Church Meeting’s discussion and write reports they send to the Implementation Officer.

Because of the power wielded by the Planning Committee, the Meeting of Seven is an accountability board elected by the Planning Committee to oversee their work. As per its namesake, it will consist of six students and the Sr. Associate Dean of Students. The meetings will be run by the Sr. Associate Dean of Students. They oversee the actions of the Planning Committee, Church Meetings, and the Reign Groups, and have the ability to block any actions they deem irresponsible. The final, and certainly least important component of our pair of glasses, is the Implementation Officer. Elected by the Meeting of Seven, the Implementation Officer receives reports from the Reign Groups and Church Meetings (by proxy of the Planning Committee) and make decisions on what actions they deem necessary from the reports, and as per their namesake, implements those actions.As you can see, the main source of power is clearly the Church Meetings, as their opinions, as interpretted in the reports of the Planning Committee, will be highly influential in the decision-making process of the Implementation Officer. This system is highly resistant to corruption thanks to the Meeting of Seven. The reign groups would replace the current subcommittees, however they end up forming.

We hope you all come to the first Church Meeting which by the way is tomorrow at 1:00pm in the middle of Greenwich Donut 5 (under the Spiritual Life Center, as is appropriate.)

Sincerely,Jr Dean Associate Dean of Student Affairs,Angela Litanto.

Dear Hampshire Collegiate Body,I am writing this article for your esteemed student publication, the Nemo, to express the extreme delight of the company I represent, TasteSys, at potentially providing you with dining services in the years to come. It is our aim to be a dynamic, flexible, forward thinking partner in providing unparalleled service and change to match your vision, exceed your expectations, and enhance the reputation of Hampshire College. We want to be in touch with the students and show that we truly understand your every food-related need and desire. As the president and CEO of TasteSys, I am pleased to inform you of our grandiose plans to re-shape the face of Hampshire College dining into Hampshire College Fine!TM Dining.The first phase of our twelve-step metamorphic process is an extensive digging project, connecting the Dakin and Merrill basements to the Hampshire Dining Commons. This should enable us to use the space currently known as the Merrill Quad to extend the Dining Commons outwards, in Phase Two.

Phase Two is a complete transformation of how we think of the Hampshire College Dining Commons. We here at TasteSys stand behind Hampshire’s philosophy that words have power, and thus we want to extend the dining space out into the space occupied by the Merrill quad - adding large marble pillars and tasteful Greek nudes – and re-branding it the Dining Palace.In fact, since we visited your college and talked extensively to students, we know that the largest complaint about your Dining Experience here at Hampshire is the hours of operation your sad excuse for a food distribution hub offers. Since Phase One of our Fine!TM Dining conversion process will have already established tunnels to Dakin and Merrill, we want to extend our services to offer 24/7 catering within these tunnels, and add Fine!TM Dining Automated Dispensers to every hall within the dorms.We also are aware of Hampshire’s commitment to re-use and recycling, and thus Phase Four is the Dining Towers, situated above the Merrill and Dakin laundry rooms. These sustainable, ten-floor ivory spires will add class to the silhouette of the Dining Palace, offer different food options on every floor, and be heated by the steam from your laundry rooms! We are incredibly excited to be offering you this opportunity.

We don’t want to fill the entirety of your publication with our twelve-phase Fine!TM Dining plan, so I’ll leave off there (though I do want to tell you that we plan to have plenty of fun Dining Events throughout the year, like our “Dine! TasteSys SCUMMTM“ reservation-only event in late April). To give you a better idea of how YOUR Dining Experience could look in the years to come, my colleagues have created this mock-up of the Dining Palace.Yours Truly,

Geoffrey RobinsonCEO, TasteSys