Introduction My name is Amberlynn Melugin and you are about to read some of my poems that I have written throughout my life in the state’s care. I have only lived at Hill Country Youth Ranch for about 1 year but I have been in and out of the State’s custody since the day I was born. Growing up in state’s care is one of the hardest things to do, but once you have lived through it, you become a stronger person. This is my story of holding on, letting go, and how I learned to walk with God. It took me many years to accept God in my life and to learn to let go of my past and certain people that were holding me down. Once I did let go, it was the best feeling in the world . I am moving on with my life. I will continue to live my life the only way I know how . . . day by day . I will be successful. My future is not set in stone, but I plan to become nothing like those that hurt me . I want to be a forensic scien- tist and a motivational speaker so I can share my story and pray it helps those who hear it . . .starting with you. Amberlynn
Table of Contents
Lord Give Me
I Always Thought . . .
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Lord give me strength for some things are hard to deal with
and I need a little help to pull me through.
Holding On,
Letting Go,
Now a once happy household
has become a broken home.
In case you haven’t heard
the men in blue took me away, too.
There was nothing mother could do.
You were imprisoned and had no rights to fight.
Your wife didn’t even try . . .
the heroine had her tight.
While you wrote and stayed in touch,
she pulled away to be with her new love . . .
I knew him very well , his name was Heroin.
Daddy, I tried to run away to be with you,
instead they moved me further away.
It has been 7 years now and I am a woman.
Are you ever going to be a real man?
Are you ever going to be my dad?
I know it makes you sad ,
wherever you are,
because you couldn’t be the parent she needs.
Daddy, please when you get out, come home to me.
I still love you and respect what you did . . .
After all ,you were only protecting me.
Daddy can we still be a family,
just you and me?
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I want to thank all the staff who have been a part of my life since I came here . . . you guys are doing a great job! Keep up the good work and continue to keep the children happy.
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My family for the inspiration to write my po-
etry over the years I have been away from home. To
my grandmother, thank you for the kind words that
kept me going and for always reminding me that
God was there to see me through. To my second set
of parents growing up, Frank and Cecilia, thank you
for taking me in and loving me as your own. To
Aunt Lisa and Uncle Gary I love you both very
much for all your help and for being there always.
To Crystal, I love you so much and thanks for all
the years of laughter because with out you I would
never smile.
To HCYR thank you for giving me a place to
live that was safe and actually one of the best place-
ments I have ever been to in my 17 years of state
care off and on. To Carol thank you for working
with me on this poetry book and for all your love
and support. To the Priours, thank you for giving me
a second chance when I got in too deep to pull my-
self out and for helping along my path to becoming
independent. To Olivia, where would I be without
you because you always got things done for me
when it came to visits and my caseworker. To Molly
I love you so much for the beautiful person you are.
You have taught me so much and always helped me
through my hard times.
I am outside looking in.
Can you see my smashed car?
I swerved to miss that concrete bar.
I guess I had to much to drink,
Or maybe I had not had enough sleep.
I wonder why I must die
I can see myself and where I lie
I tell the medics, “no not me!”
Please, someone recessitate me!
Grab a towel, get on your knees
Are you all too good to help me?
Where’s my family?
I’m not dead , I’m right here!
I see there faces and how they morn.
Then I am awakened by the sound of a door
I see my house-parent half asleep.
She tells me it was just a dream.
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Mother
yet I still care.
or comb my hair or paint my nails,
yet I still send you letters.
It doesn’t matter that you don’t write back.
We don’t always see eye to eye.
We don’t always call or write.
But now we finally may reunite.
I am all grown up and on my own,
but I turn to you to have a second chance.
Will you be a mother and help me through life?
Tomorrow I will be a wife,
and I need your motherly advice.
I don’t want to repeat your mistakes.
Mother I love you,
It doesn’t take a lot to forgive,
but it’s always hard to forget.
You may have not been a parent;
you never paid our rent . . .
but our love was not spent
because an angel was sent.
You will always be my mother . . .
remember it’s a title that’s earned.
Our lives were churned,
because I to am a mother.
You see, the role is reversed
but I broke the curse.
My children will always come first.
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Because I had no family.
I always thought that I was unloved
Because no one said they loved me.
I always thought they would be back
But I realized they really left me.
I always thought I would be on my own
But then I found those just like me.
I always thought I was the only one
But it turned out there’s millions
Who are just like me.
No family or a place to go . . .
All we had were the foster homes.
The shelters and placements . . .
But soon enough
I always thought no one like me could make it
But I’ve realized
I always thought wrong.
Life is so hard
It is so very tough
And too much is never enough.
It never stops .
You miss your family and friends.
The depression never ends.
We will never forget the years gone by .
We will continuously ask our selves “why?”
Why me, why now, why is it so hard?
No parents and no one to turn to.
No letters, no postcards, not even a hope.
You wonder where they all are . . .
Time goes by so fast.
“So stop hating life
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Lord Give Me
Lord give me good memory for sometimes I forget who I am
where I came from and the things I was taught
along the way.
Lord give me patience for sometimes I am easily frustrated and angered
not knowing why.
sometimes we just need that tenderness.
Lord give me strength for some things are hard to deal with
and I need a little help to pull me through.
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Lord give me protection for I am scared of life
because it is so big and you never know
what you will run into.
Lord give me a big heart so I may help and befriend
those who need a shoulder to cry on
Lore give me sight so I may see
how I affect those around me and not be so blind about my actions.
Lord give me forgiveness so I may forgive the past,
be forgiven , and move on with life.
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