Introduction to Pastoral Care

Introduction to Pastoral Care

October 8, 2012

The Differentiation of Self

There is a difference between telling people what I think and telling them what they should think. Defining self means that we consistently and calmly tell others what we think and feel,

without demanding that they think and feel the same way.

The Leaders Journey

“Differentiation is the ability to be in charge of self, even when others in the

emotional field are actually tying to make us be different from how we are.”

(Creating a Healthier Church by Ronald Richardson page 87)

A more differentiated version of togetherness is when “I can tell you who I am, what I think, feel,

believe, want to do, and have done, without getting anxious or worrying about what you may

think about what I have told you, even if I believe you disagree with me and disapprove. You would reciprocate with the same kind of

openness, and I could listen to you and not feel the need to change you to be more like how I

want you to be.” (Couples in Conflict by Ronald Richardson page 35)

“One simple way of defining differentiation is as an ability to be closely connected with just

about anyone we choose and still be a self, still maintain a sense of one’s own functional

autonomy within the close relationship. It is the ability to be close to an emotionally important

other while neither being dependent on gaining the other’s acceptance and approval nor fearing the other’s disapproval, rejection, or criticism of

how we are.

It is also being comfortable with the differences in the other person, particularly in times of

higher anxiety, and not letting those differences cause emotional distance on our part. It means

not needing to change the other to meet our expectations, or change ourselves to meet the

other’s, in order to be close.” (Ronald Richardson Becoming a Healthier Pastor

page 56)

Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

3 Key Components 1. Separate: - but not separated:

Establish boundaries: I am not responsible for someone else’s

emotional well-being. I am only responsible to them to love them.


Two Kinds of People With Boundary Issues.

• Compliants: Say yes to the bad - & can’t say no.

They take on too much responsibility & won’t complain about it. They give in to the

demands of others out of fear.


Compliants Are Afraid

• Compliants fear hurting feelings.• Compliants fear the other person’s anger.• Compliants fear abandonment & loneliness.• Compliants fear retribution or punishment.• Compliants fear being viewed as selfish, un-

spiritual, or being a jerk.• Compliants fear feeling guilty.


Compliants end up being controlled by others.


Two Kinds of People With Boundary Issues.

• Controllers: Don’t respect the boundaries of others & they

can’t set boundaries for themselves.

They can’t hear no. Controllers aggressively or manipulatively violate the boundaries of

others.


Controllers

• Controllers have little ability to control their impulses or desires.

• Controllers have limited ability to take responsibility for their own lives.

• Controllers always blame someone or something.

• Controllers use anger & guilt messages to get their way.


Controllers rarely feel loved because they know that the only reason people spend time with them is because they

demand them to do so.



I express love through sacrifice & giving, and I compromise out of my own freedom to choose. I don’t do these things out of a reaction to my own anxiety or a need to keep the other person happy.



Self-defined:• Clear self-boundaries. – This is who I am – this is where

I stand – this is what I will do and this is what I won’t do. I take responsibility for my own ideas and decisions. I can say no and set limits. I don’t demand that others conform to my way of thinking. Don’t take responsibility for the feelings or decisions of others. Don’t try to control others.


3 Key Components 1. Separate: - but not separated: Self-defined

• Clear thinking, inner guidance system. Beliefs, values, life goals, purpose & priorities. Well thought through principles. My beliefs & values are examined & in my awareness. Who do you want to be in this relationship or in life? What are your core values?



Self-regulated:• I take responsibility for myself – I don’t blame and I

don’t take on a victim mentality. The only person I can change is me – and I can change me. What is my role in keeping this problem in place? Am I being the person I want to be in this situation? Let go of your need for the other person to be different than they are. Denying responsibility for ourselves give the system power over us. As long as we see “them” as responsible for our difficulties or unhappiness, we will stay stuck.



Self-regulated:• I become less emotionally reactive. I

have the courage to face myself. I am self aware. I know what my buttons are and why they are my buttons. I am a calm & less anxious presence. I learn calming practices. When emotions/anxiety rises we quit thinking & listening.



Self-regulated:• I learn to think systems and watch the

process. The observing, thinking, leader becomes curious, engaged, and open to new learning. What counts is the leader’s presence and being. I develop more objectivity. I refuse to take things personally.


3 Key Components

2. Equal: Equally important:

Neither person in the relationship thinks that he or she is “more” important or “less” important. There is mutual respect and appreciation. Each person is treated as if they are important.


3 Key Components

2. Equal: Equally free:

There is no pressure to conform or to spend our lives doing what we must do. Neither person is pressured or coerced to change or give in. Each person is free to be themselves. We don’t give up part of ourselves in order to get along or to gain approval.


Proactive people don’t demand rights – they live them.


3 Key Components

2. Equal: Equally responsible:

Each person takes responsibility for himself or herself. Nether person does for the other what he or she can do for themselves. “Raising our own threshold for the pain another is experiencing can often motivate the other to take more responsibility for his or her life.”


3 Key Components

3. Open:Verbal:• I learn to “say what is so for me.”•My communication is thoughtful. I think

rather than just react emotionally.


3 Key Components

3. Open:Verbal: •We talk about relevant & meaningful

topics. We talk about the deep things not just surface issues. I am courageous enough to be honest.

• I am clear about what I think & believe. I define myself clearly using “I” statements rather than “you” statements.


3 Key Components

3.Open:Non-reactive.

I am self-regulated. I manage my own anxiety. I take responsibility for my own anxiety & for processing my anxiety. I learn to calm myself. I don’t blame others.


3 Key Components

3.Open:Non-reactive:

I am self-aware. I know my typical patterns of reactivity to anxiety. I think deeply about my buttons, my vows, and the lies I’ve believed about myself. I do the hard and courageous work of self- discovery.


3 Key Components

3. Open:Direct:

Break free from “Triangling”. Stop talking about the person to someone else. Stop venting and dumping anxiety on another person.


3 Key Components

3. Open:Direct:

Go directly to the person. Talk to and with each other about any and all issues. Don’t make assumptions.


3 Key Components

3. Open:Mutuality:

Neither speaks for the other.Both individuals listen as much as they

talk. “It is as difficult to be a good listener as it is to be a clear, direct, non-reactive speaker.”

Neither person takes responsibility for the emotions of the other.

Documents

Introduction to Pastoral Care