INTRODUCTION - mintsespanol.commintsespanol.com/...to_Pastoral_Care_Pt_1_-_Mobey.docx · Web viewThe self, tempted to be god without God, became enslaved by Satan (Genesis 1:26-27

Introduction to Pastoral Care part 1 Craig Mobey

Introduction to Pastoral Care part 1 (The nature of Pastoral Counseling as well as Empathy, compassion & understanding)

Acts 20:27 “For I have not shunned to declare unto you all the counsel of God.” (King James Version).

A study guide on an Introduction to Pastoral Care part 1 for MINTS students

Ps. Dr. Craig Fredrick Mobey

Filadelfia Ministries, Bloemfontein, South Africa

Email: [email protected] / [email protected]

Web: www.filadelfiainstitute.org

MINTS International Seminary,

14401 Old Cutler Road Miami, Florida 33158 USA Tel. 786-573-7001, www.mints.edu

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http://www.filadelfiainstitute.org/

mailto:[email protected]

mailto:[email protected]


INTRODUCTION.................................................................................................................................. 4

STRUCTURE OF THE COURSE.............................................................................................................4

COURSE MATERIALS........................................................................................................................... 6

COURSE OBJECTIVES.......................................................................................................................... 6

COURSE REQUIREMENTS................................................................................................................... 6

COURSE EVALUATION........................................................................................................................ 7

BENEFITS OF THIS COURSE................................................................................................................7

LESSON 1: THE NATURE OF PASTORAL COUNSELING...................................................................10

INTRODUCTION.....................................................................................................................................10FALSE SELF............................................................................................................................................14TRUE SELF.............................................................................................................................................15BIBLICAL COUNSELING........................................................................................................................16THE TASK OF EDIFYING........................................................................................................................21THE TASK OF EVANGELIZING..............................................................................................................22THEOLOGY AND COUNSELING.............................................................................................................23WHAT IS COUNSELING?........................................................................................................................26COMMUNICATION.................................................................................................................................28VERBAL COMMUNICATION..................................................................................................................28LISTENING SKILLS.................................................................................................................................29FACTORS WHICH MAY HINDER EFFECTIVE LISTENING....................................................................30HELPFUL GUIDELINES TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION...................................................................31NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION.........................................................................................................32HOW TO READ BODY-LANGUAGE........................................................................................................32THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF SUCCESSFUL INTER-PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS........................36CHARACTERISTICS OF A SUCCESSFUL COUNSELOR..........................................................................37WINNERS...............................................................................................................................................39LOSERS...................................................................................................................................................41A FEW PRACTICAL HINTS.....................................................................................................................42TRUE BIBLICAL COUNSELING..............................................................................................................43

LESSON 2: EMPATHY, COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING........................................................49

INTRODUCTION.....................................................................................................................................49DEFINITIONS.........................................................................................................................................51THE IMPORTANCE OF EMPATHIC RELATIONSHIPS..........................................................................52LISTENING TO AND UNDERSTANDING VERBAL MESSAGES.............................................................52LISTENING TO AND UNDERSTANDING CLIENTS IN CONTEXT.........................................................54THE HELPING CONTEXT IS ALSO IMPORTANT...................................................................................54EMPATHIC LISTENING..........................................................................................................................55TOUGH-MINDED LISTENING................................................................................................................57LISTENING TO ONESELF.......................................................................................................................58THE THREE DIMENSIONS OF RESPONDING SKILLS: PERCEPTIVENESS, KNOW-HOW, AND ASSERTIVENESS....................................................................................................................................59BASIC EMPATHY: COMMUNICATING UNDERSTANDING TO CLIENTS..............................................60THE BASIC EMPATHY FORMULA.........................................................................................................60EXPERIENCES, BEHAVIORS, AND FEELINGS AS ELEMENTS OF EMPATHY......................................61PRINCIPLES TO GUIDE THE USE OF BASIC EMPATHY.......................................................................64RECOVER FROM INACCURATE UNDERSTANDING.............................................................................67POOR SUBSTITUTES FOR EMPATHY...................................................................................................70

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TACTICS FOR COMMUNICATING EMPATHY.......................................................................................73SUGGESTIONS FOR THE USE OF EMPATHY........................................................................................74SERMON NOTES ON EMPATHY............................................................................................................76CASE STUDY ON EMPATHY..................................................................................................................81

LESSON 2 ASSIGNMENT 1.................................................................................................................83

LESSON 2 ASSIGNMENT 2.................................................................................................................85

BIBLIOGRAPHY................................................................................................................................. 86

BIOGRAPHY....................................................................................................................................... 88

INSTRUCTORS MANUAL................................................................................................................... 89

EXAMINATION.......................................................................................................................................89LESSON 1 ASSIGNMENT ANSWERS.....................................................................................................93LESSON 2 ASSIGNMENT 1 ANSWERS................................................................................................103LESSON 2 ASSIGNMENT 2 ANSWERS................................................................................................109EXAMINATION.....................................................................................................................................110

All Scriptures are from the 1769 King James Version of the Holy Bible (also known as the Authorized Version).

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PREFACE

Pastoral care needs to have as its primary focus, the care of all God’s people through

the ups and downs of everyday life, the creation of caring environments within

which all people can grow and develop to their fullest potential. Matthew 22:37 –

391 reminds one that pastoral counseling points toward a ministry of reconciliation

with both God and neighbor.

This points toward the uniqueness of Biblically based interventions, in a world

where almost every religion exercises pastoral counseling from the perspective of

that religion.

INTRODUCTION

Counseling refers to a process of encouraging growth from within. It is rooted in a

growing awareness of one’s self. From this should come a less distorted way of

seeing persons and relationships and greater courage to accept one’s responsibility

to make commitments and decisions2.

Pastoral counseling represents a fusion of two not altogether discrete sources:

pastoral care, i.e. the traditional shepherding function of the Christian minister; and

dynamic psychology, which focuses upon the striving aspects of personality as the

key to understanding persons.3

STRUCTURE OF THE COURSE

The course is divided into two lessons, which can be taught over eight parts, as

follows:

1. Part 1 : Introduction to the course and orientating the student to Pastoral

Care. Important discussion points include definitions, differences & the

1 Mathew 22:37 – 39: “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”2 Turnbill, Baker’s Dictionary of Practical Theology, p 193.3 Turnbill, Baker’s Dictionary of Practical Theology, p 193.

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potential counselor’s inner self: the wounded healer must be available to Him.

This part ends with the section titled “what is counseling?” (Page 10)

2. Part 2 : This part centers on communication. It is important to discuss

communication in great detail and to practice such skills on one another. The

potential counselor needs to master communication skills; not only read about

them. This part ends with the section titled “the ten commandments of

successful inter-personal relationships.” (Page 28)

3. Part 3 : This part is intended to align the potential counselor with the

characteristics of a successful counselor. The lecturer should refer back to the

previous two lessons and deploy those skills and characteristics in this lesson

in order to reinforce the foundation laid. Importantly, the potential counselor

should understand what makes Pastoral Counsel to also be Biblical Counsel.

Time should be made in order to prepare the student for the first assignment

and prescribed book. (Page 37)

4. Part 4 : The overall theme of this part is: listening, which is very different to

hearing. The lecturer should spend a great deal of time in demonstrating the

various concepts dealt with. This part ends with the section titled “tough-

minded listening.” (Page 49)

5. Part 5 : This is the 1st part of two parts dealing with empathy. It is a

theoretical class; the student counselor must fully understand this, one the

pivotal points of pastoral care. (Page 55)

6. Part 6 : The second part to empathy is where the student must master the

skills. Practical examples are called for. The case study is to be completed by

the individual in class and feedback given in the same class. (Page 73)

7. Part 7 : The entire class is to be dedicated to de-briefing students on the

prescribed book & practical.

8. Part 8 : This entire class is to be used to debrief students on the assignments,

again touch base on the key concepts and to prepare students for examination.

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COURSE MATERIALS

The students are required to read this guide thoroughly along with the Scriptures.

Students are also required to do a Bible study of each of the Scriptures referred to.

To this end, a good study Bible is needed.

The following book is prescribed; students are expected to submit a book summary

of it after completing assignment two. YANCEY, P. 2002. Where is God when it

hurts? Zondervan: Grand Rapids. 4

COURSE OBJECTIVES

1. To introduce the student to Pastoral Counseling as a field within Practical

Theology.

2. To introduce the student to basic problem areas as commonly encountered in

the Pastorate.

3. To introduce the student to the fundamentals of Biblically based Pastoral

Counseling.

4. Explore the concept of Pastoral Counseling as an expression of missionary

work.

5. To equip the student with a working knowledge and ability to demonstrate

empathy, compassion and understanding.

6. To translate academia into practice.

COURSE REQUIREMENTS

1. Know this study guide well. It is the foundation to Pastoral Care.

2. Complete the Bible study exercises on each mentioned Scripture.

3. Complete the assignments at the end of each lesson.

COURSE EVALUATION

1. Student class participation (10%):

4http://www.amazon.com/Where-Is-God-When Hurts/dp/0310245729/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395931852&sr=8-1&keywords=yancey+where+is+god+when+it+hurts.

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2. Student Reading/Reports (15%):

3. Student Essay: (10%):

4. Student Homework (50%):

5. Student Exam (15%):

BENEFITS OF THIS COURSE

1. Understand the nature of Pastoral Counseling

2. Understand empathy, compassion and general understanding of actual

problem areas.

3. Participate in the pastoral conversation.

4. Understand the parameters of pastoral counseling as a discipline as it relates

to emotions, self development and management and the role of the Father, Son

and Spirit in pastoral counseling.

5. Understand the fundamentals of Biblically based Pastoral Counseling.

6. Have a foundation to further studies in Pastoral Counseling.

7. Understand the pastoral dynamics of common problem areas.

8. Understand the parameters of Pastoral Counseling as a discipline.

9. Demonstrate understanding of pastoral care as a ministry in the church.

10. Engage in pastoral care in relation to personal salvation.

11. Comprehend empathy, compassion and understanding.

12. To demonstrate an ability to use empathy, compassion and understanding.

HOW TO DO A BOOK REPORT5

A book summary is a critical evaluation. A book summary demonstrates that the

student has read the book and is able to place into their own words key ideas,

information and arguments presented by the author. Having done this, the student

may add personal commentary.

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The purpose of a book summary is to evaluate the student’s critical assessment and

understanding of the information and ideas presented by an author. A book

summary is therefore much more than a coverage summary of a book.

The student may use the book summary to share dialog with the author and other

interested parties. The student may agree and disagree – IF the student can qualify

their point of view.

The design of a book summary assists the student with the development of their

analytical skills:

1. The student must be able to summarize the content of the book per chapter.

2. The student must give an analysis of what they have read and then decide:

2.1. What is the core of the book and chapters?

2.2. Is the title of the book and chapter a reflection of said core?

2.3. What is the central thesis of the book and chapters?

2.4. Did the author remain true to his/her thesis?

2.5. Is the objective(s) of the book and chapters achieved?

3. Speculate about the book’s subject(s).

4. The student should communicate their thoughts, sensations and knowledge to

the reader of the book summary.

5. The student is thus a:

5.1. Reporter.

5.2. Analyst.

5.3. Observer.

6. Book summaries are not written in an academic language, but in an

understandable everyday language. If technical terms are used, they must be

defined at the beginning of the book summary.

7. The student should indicate if the author has a valid point(s).

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8. What new information, insight and truths has the book added to the

understanding of the student, in relation to the subject matter?

9. Before you submit the book report / summary:

9.1. Is the book properly identified?

9.2. Is the author’s arguments presented with clarity and objectivity?

9.3. Are the two to three core outcomes clearly defined?

9.4. Have you provided reasons to your criticism?

9.5. Is there a final evaluation of the book’s importance, based on your

discussion?

9.6. Have you provided a bibliography, if applicable?

10. Length of the book report / summary: three pages for BA, six pages for MA.

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LESSON 1: THE NATURE OF PASTORAL COUNSELING

INTRODUCTION

By definition, the Biblical counselor is one who is persuaded of and allegiant to a

Christian worldview, that is, one who functions within a frame reference that

consciously sees all of the realities and relationships of life a perspective that is

Biblically coherent and consistent, and thus honors God of Scriptures6.

The one element of such a worldview that most dramatically distinguishes it from

all pretenders is the commitment to a theocentric perspective on all of life and

thought.

“From the very beginning, human change depended upon counseling.

Man was created as a being whose very existence is derived from and

dependent on a creator whom he must acknowledge as such and from

whom he must obtain wisdom and knowledge through revelation. The

purpose and meaning of his life, as well as his very existence, is derived

and dependent. He can find none of this in himself. Man is not

autonomous. ‘In the beginning was the Word’ (John 1:1) says it all.7”

Thus any model of counseling that is authentically Biblical will be framed, designed,

and executed in happy submission to the Biblical demand that our lives be lived out

entirely for the glory of God8.

In short, Biblical counseling is animated by a Godward focus.

6 http://learntheology.com/the-godward-focus-of-biblical-counseling.html.7 Adams, A Theology of Christian Counseling, p 1.8 http://learntheology.com/the-godward-focus-of-biblical-counseling.html.

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The temptation today, even within the Christian community, is to do otherwise, to

conduct counseling with a primary focus on someone or something other than God.

But the Biblical counselor must be committed to a Godward focus in counseling.

There are three basic reasons:

1. Because God demands it;

2. Because the natural exaltation of self is destructive; and

3. Because the soul-satisfying life God intends for children can only be found

through Jesus' spiritual paradox in denying self and focusing on God9.

The essence of who we are is made up of events and how we responded to those

events. We are the sum of what we encountered in life and our reactions to those

experiences.

Memory, the recalling of the past, is our spirit gazing at the substance of our soul,

which at times, directs our life, rather than the word of God. Thus, most of our

problems are due to ignorance on how to Biblically respond to life, and to use life's

adversities to our advantage as opportunities to grow and mature in Christ (Romans

8:28-2910).

These spiritual resources are available to those who are born by the will of God.

Having accepted Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, the believer is enabled by Holy

9 http://learntheology.com/the-godward-focus-of-biblical-counseling.html.10 Romans 8:28-29: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.”

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Spirit to face life, to counter adversities, to grow in grace and strength, and to live in

peace and joy (John 1:1211; John 3:1612).

The issue is the self, the soul of man. The self-created by God, belongs to God. The

self, tempted to be god without God, became enslaved by Satan (Genesis 1:26-2713;

Genesis 2:714; Genesis 3:1-615)16.

Soul: in religion and philosophy, the immaterial aspect or essence of a

human being, that which confers individuality and humanity, often

considered to be synonymous with the mind or the self. In theology, the

soul is further defined as that part of the individual which partakes of

divinity and often is considered to survive the death of the body17.

The living soul is what we will deal with, learning:

1. To set it free.

2. To again be completely dependent upon God.11 John 1:12: “But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:” 12 John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” 13 Genesis 1:26-27: “And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.”14 Genesis 2:7: “And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.”15 Genesis 3:1 – 6: “Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden? And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.”16 Pulaski, Biblical Counseling Manual, p 9.17 http://global.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/555149/soul.

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3. To follow Him and to glorify Him.

Philippians 2:12-1318; 2 Peter 1:3-1119 tell us to work out our salvation daily being

conformed to the image of Christ. The key is daily, being God-conscious twenty-four

hours a day.

Either we are thinking God's thoughts or we defer to lower level thinking. There is

no gray area. You are either for God or you are against Him (Matthew 12:3020)21.

Throughout the counseling session, the goal is to change the counselee's focus on

the false self, a self of lusts and appetites to a realization of his true self, a self in

union with Christ. This is accomplished by a continuous process of judging self,

one's own sins, not others; changing focus from self needs to one of accomplishing

God's purposes for his life by loving Him and others foremost; daily dying to the old

man and putting-on the new man; and of maintaining a state of forgiving and

reconciling throughout life. The ultimate goal now is for the counselee to be a

disciple, to help and restore others to this same position whereas they, in turn, will

do likewise.22

18Philippians 2:12-13: “Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.”19 2 Peter 1:3 – 11: “According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue: Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins. Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall: For so an entrance shall be ministered unto you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.20 Matthew 12:30: “He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad.”21 Pulaski, Biblical Counseling Manual, p 10.22 Pulaski, Biblical Counseling Manual, p 10.

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FALSE SELF

All of life in the natural sphere, conditions and inclines one to deal with life's

experiences from a horizontal perspective, that is, to react from a self-protective and

self-defensive posture, to insure one's survival in a competitive and fallen

environment. This pronounced self-focus degenerates, in time, until life is

characterized by guilt and shame, anger and bitterness, and fear: a life devoid of the

Presence of God.

Life becomes filled with the presence of self-attempting to meet the needs of self by

a fruitless search for the meaning of life in a world system energized by evil.

A person in this condition seeks relief by the fashions and customs of this world, by

the lusts and appetites of the flesh, by justifying his own behavior, by placing the

blame on others, by seeking peace and joy in things, people, and possessions.

Emphasis is on what others have done or failed to do, and the remedy is to change

others and the circumstances of life by whatever human (fallen) resources are

available.

The focus is on self, to save self and to use others, and the things of the world to find

the meaning of life.23

TRUE SELF

All that was done to us, what we have done to others, the failures, the ills, the

violations of our persons, the brutalities, the perversions of life, rejections, death of

loved ones, tragedies, loneliness, abandonment, Jesus paid the penalty for all these

sins and provided the means to handle the tragedies of life. We do not need to deal

with these violations, and the tragedies of life on our own. Christ is in us to work

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out our salvation daily (Philippians 2:12-1324; Galatians 2:2025; 2 Corinthians 5:1726;

2 Corinthians 5:2127; Romans 6:3-628; Ezekiel 18:2029).

Being in Christ, we are new creatures and we are to deal with life now from a

Biblical perspective. Our problem is not with Satan, not with people, not with the

circumstances of life, but our problem lies in our relationship with God. Our focus is

to change from a concern about self, to a concern about God's glory and that is

accomplished by our godly responses to others and to life in general (Romans

5:1730; 2 Corinthians 5:2131)32.

BIBLICAL COUNSELING

Ever since apostolic times, counseling has occurred in the church as a natural

function of corporate spiritual life. After all, the New Testament itself commands

believers to "admonish one another" (Romans 15:1433); "encourage one another"

24 Philippians 2:12 – 13: “Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.”25 Galatians 2:20: “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.”26 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”27 2 Corinthians 5:21: “For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.”28 Romans 6:3 – 6: “Know ye not, that so many of us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death? Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been planted together in the likeness of his death, we shall be also in the likeness of his resurrection: Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.”29 Ezekiel 18:20: “The soul that sinneth, it shall die. The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father, neither shall the father bear the iniquity of the son: the righteousness of the righteous shall be upon him, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon him.”30 Romans 5:17: “For if by one man's offense death reigned by one; much more they which receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness shall reign in life by one, Jesus Christ.”31 2 Corinthians 5:21: “For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.”32 Pulaski, Biblical Counseling Manual, p 11.33 Romans 15:14: “And I myself also am persuaded of you, my brethren, that ye also are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge, able also to admonish one another.”

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(Hebrews. 3:1334); "comfort one another with these words" (1 Thessalonians

4:1835); "encourage one another, and build up one another" (1 Thessalonians

5:1136); "confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may

be healed" (James 5:1637).

The apostle Paul wrote, "We who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those

without strength and not just please ourselves" (Romans 15:138). And, "Even if a

man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of

gentleness; each one looking to yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's

burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:1-239).

All those instructions apply all believers, not only to some priestly caste of experts.

Counseling, particularly counseling that fully employs and applies God's Word, is a

necessary duty of Christian life and fellowship. It is also the expected result of true

spiritual maturity:

"Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and

admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, sing with

thankfulness in your hearts to God" (Colossians 3:1640)41.

34 Hebrews 3:13: “But exhort one another daily, while it is called Today; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.”35 1 Thessalonians 4:18: “Wherefore comfort one another with these words.”36 1 Thessalonians 5:11: “Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.”37 James 5:16: “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”38 Romans 15:1: “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”39 Galatians 6:1-2: “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such a one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”40 Colossians 3:16: “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.”41 MacArthur, Counseling – How to Counsel Biblically, p 1.

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What are the common commitments? What are the fundamentals of Biblical

counseling? Here are seven core elements42:

1. God is at the center of counseling. God is sovereign, active, speaking merciful,

commanding, and powerful. The Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is the central

focus of counseling and the exemplar of the Wonderful Counselor. The Word

of God and the work of the Holy Spirit are foundational to all significant and

lasting life change. The Word of God is about counseling, giving both

understanding of people and methods of ministering to people. The Bible is

authoritative, relevant, and comprehensively sufficient for counseling. God has

spoken truly to every basic issue of human nature and to the problems in

living. His Word establishes the goal of counseling, how people can change, the

role of the counselor, counseling methods, and so forth. Christians have the

only authoritative source for counseling wisdom: the Holy Spirit speaking

through the Word of God. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and

wisdom is the only worthy goal of counseling.

2. Commitment to God has fundamental consequences. First, other sources of

knowledge must be submitted to the authority of Scripture. The sciences,

personal experience, literature, and so forth may be useful, but may not play a

constitutive role in counseling. Second, there is a conflict of counsel built into

human life. Genesis 3, Psalm 1, and Jeremiah 23 are paradigmatic43. Counsel

that contradicts God's counsel has existed since the Garden of Eden,

challenging God's counsel and building from other presuppositions and

towards other goals. Such false counsel must be noted and opposed.

Specifically, in our time and place, secular psychology has intruded into the

domain of Biblical truth and practice. Secular theories and therapies

substitute for Biblical wisdom and deceive people both inside and outside the

42 http://www.calebcounseling.org/about-us/about-nouthetic-counseling.43 Paradigm: a model or pattern for something that may be copied. A theory or a group of ideas about how something should be done, made, or thought about. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/paradigm.

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church. The false claimants to authority must be exposed and opposed.

3. Sin, in all its dimensions (for example, both motive and behavior; both the sins

we do and the sins done against us; both the consequences of personal sin and

the consequences of Adam's sin) is the primary problem counselors must deal

with. Sin includes wrong behavior, distorted thinking, an orientation to follow

personal desires, and bad attitudes. Sin is habitual and deceptive, and much of

the difficulty of counseling consists in bringing specific sin to awareness and

breaking its hold. The problems in living that necessitate counseling are not

matters of unmet psychological needs, indwelling demons of sin, poor

socialization, inborn temperament, genetic predisposition, or anything else

that removes attention from the responsible human being. The problem in

believers is remnant sin; the problem in unbelievers is reigning sin. Sin is the

problem.

4. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the answer. Forgiveness for sin and power to

change into Christ's image are the greatest needs of mankind. Christ deals

with sin: the guilt, the power, the deception, and the misery of sin. He was

crucified for sinners, He reigns over hearts by the power of the Holy Spirit, and

He will return to complete the redemption of His people from their sins and

sufferings. These core truths must infuse the counseling process.

5. The Biblical change process which counseling must aim at is progressive

sanctification. While there are many ways of changing people, Biblical

counseling aims for nothing less than transformation into the image of Jesus

Christ amid the rough and tumble of daily life. Change is not instantaneous,

but progresses throughout life. This progressive view of sanctification has

many implications. For example, the process of change is only metaphorically,

not actually, healing. The metaphor is meant to capture the process of

sanctification: ongoing repentance, renewal of mind unto Biblical truth, and

18 | P a g e


obedience in the power of the Spirit.

6. The situational difficulties people face, are not the random cause of problems

encountered through everyday living. These difficulties operate within the

sovereign design of God. They are the context in which hearts are revealed,

and faith and obedience are purified through the battle between the Spirit and

the flesh. Influential aspects of one's life situation do not cause sin. Heredity,

temperament, personality, culture, oppression and evil, bereavement,

handicaps old age, Satan, physical illness, and so forth are significant for

counseling, but do not ultimately cause sin.

7. Counseling is fundamentally a pastoral activity and must be church-based. It

must be regulated under the authority of God's appointed shepherds.

Counseling is connected both structurally and in content to other aspects of

the pastoral task: teaching, preaching, prayer, church discipline, use of gifts,

missions, worship, and so forth. Counseling is the private ministry of the Word

of God, tailored specifically to the individuals involved. The differences

between preaching and counseling are not conceptual but only

methodological. The same truths are applied in diverse ways.

These seven commitments have unified the Biblical counseling movement. They

have provided a framework within which many secondary differences of Bible

interpretation, of theological commitment, of setting for counseling, of personality

have been able to exist constructively rather than destructively44.

But there are numerous other issues that demand clear Biblical thinking and firm

commitment: the place of the past, the place of feelings, Biblical view of human

motivation, the relationship of biblical truth to secular psychology, the place of

44 http://www.calebcounseling.org/about-us/about-nouthetic-counseling.19 | P a g e


suffering, how to apply various aspects of Biblical truth and methods of Biblical

ministry to different kinds of problems.

The following is a chart that summarizes the ways in which Christian

theism fits the inadequacies discovered in traditional psychological

world-views45.

Psychology’s Inadequacy Christian Theism’s Answer

1. There is no explanation for

the origin of man’s

personhood.

There exists a personal,

creator God.


the evil drive within man

and the inability to remain

other-centered.

Man fell into sin and bears

the consequences of a self-

centered, spiritually dead

existence.


man’s spiritual yearnings.

The spiritual world exists,

and man has the capacity

and need to relate to the

God of the universe.

4. There is no adequate

method of knowing about

people’s mental and

spiritual nature and needs.

The God-inspired Bible

reveals the truth

concerning the inner

nature and ultimate needs

of all people.

5. There are no absolute

guidelines for applying

solutions to people’s

problems. Ethical and

moral discussions are

beyond the scope of the

Absolute truth is revealed

by God concerning human

nature, purpose and life.

45 Cosgrove, Psychology Gone Awry, p 143.20 | P a g e


scientific method.

Will Biblical counselors draw the boundaries in the right places? Or will the lines be

drawn too narrowly, creating a sectarian party spirit? Or will the lines be drawn too

widely, inviting compromise and drift? Only within properly drawn creedal

boundaries can energies for edification and evangelization be guided and released.

THE TASK OF EDIFYING

Edification: Instruct or improve (someone) morally or intellectually46.

How will Biblical counselors develop greater skill in the cure of souls? How will we

become wiser practitioners, thinkers, apologists, and Christian men and women?

The task of edifying Biblical counselors demands advances that are both exegetically

sound and case-tried. It demands that we think well about many issues. One of the

often-ignored aspects of Jay Adams work has been his repeated observation that his

work is a starting place, and that much work remains to be done to build on the

foundation. Biblical counseling has been rediscovered. But perhaps it is more

accurate to say that the idea of Biblical counseling and the call to do Biblical

counseling have been rediscovered.

This has brought into focus many fresh discoveries and new insights into the cure of

souls. For example, the concern to specify counseling methodology (such as

techniques of asking questions, building relationships, setting goals, speaking the

truth, and using homework) has produced helpful developments. And the concern

to translate general Biblical truths into a specific renewal of both inward and

outward is refreshingly new. Will Biblical counseling continue to develop

46 http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/edify.21 | P a g e


intellectually and practically? Or will we stagnate and turn yesterday's

breakthroughs into tomorrow's formulaic-truisms and techniques47?

THE TASK OF EVANGELIZING

How will Biblical counselors spread the cause of Biblical counseling? The task of

persuasion must be undertaken with three distinct groups of people:

1. The great bulk of the believing church;

2. The integrated community; and

3. The members of the secular psychological culture.

Many people remain ignorant of the existence of Biblical counseling, while others

dismiss it on the basis of a caricature that bears no resemblance to anything the

Bible teaches or anything wise counselors think and do. Biblical counseling needs

evangelists and supporters with sensitivities and passions for each of these

communities. We have answers people need; answers that are better than those

they already have.

Biblical counselors must think well, pray pointedly, and discuss actively to develop

energetic and creative apologetic and evangelistic efforts to help people find these

answers48.

THEOLOGY AND COUNSELING

What is theology and what is its relationship to counseling?

In its simplest form, theology is nothing more or less than the systematic

understanding of what the Scriptures teach about various subjects. Biblical

47 MacArthur, Counseling – How to Counsel Biblically, p 29.48 MacArthur, Counseling – How to Counsel Biblically, p 30.

22 | P a g e


passages concerning any subject, let us say, the teaching of the Bible about God are

located, exegeted in context, placed into the stream of the history of redemption and

their teachings classified according to the several aspects of that subject (God's

omnipotence, omniscience, omnipresence, for instance).

Within each classification, these teachings are compared to one another (one

passage supplementing and qualifying another) in order to discover the total

scriptural teaching on this aspect of the doctrine. Each aspect, likewise, is compared

to other aspects in order to understand the total scriptural teaching about that

question (and various subjects also are studied in relation to each other for further

amplifications and modifications according to the light that one subject throws upon

another).

Thus, simply stated, theology is the attempt to bring to bear upon any given doctrine

(or teaching) all that the Bible has to say about it. Biblical theology also notes the

development of special revelation particularly in relationship to the redemptive

work of Christ49.

Because his counsel is dependent upon biblical principles, a Christian counselor

(like a Christian preacher) must understand all that the Scriptures say on a given

topic in order to give fully Biblical direction to their counselees.

One of the principal problems with which counselors must deal (often as a

complicating problem) when seeking to help counselees, is the problem of counselee

frustration and discouragement. Much of the apathy encountered stems from the

failure of counselees to understand the Bible theologically. As the result of quite

faulty understanding of the Bible, they take all sorts of actions (like using prayer as a

rabbit's foot) that fail. Then, on the one hand, either doubts about God and the

49 http://learntheology.com/the-need-for-theology-in-counseling.html.23 | P a g e


trustworthiness of the Scriptures or, on the other hand, doubts about themselves

("maybe Paul could do it, but I'm not Paul") arise.

Where the counselee already has received basically un-theological instruction,

counselors should anticipate (and look for) complications to original problems,

which stem from faulty solutions. And, it is imperative that the counselor approach

such counselees in full consciousness of what theology can do to help.

In the counseling process, not only is it necessary to have a theological (i.e., a full

orbed, systematically understood) orientation toward the Scriptures to avoid

misleading counselees and to correct errors in the thought and practice of

counselees, but also it is vital also to have this orientation in order to communicate

truth authoritatively. The counselor who himself is theologically unsure will

communicate his Biblical insecurity in the way that he speaks to counselees (and in

the way that he writes about counseling)50.

Authoritative proclamation of the Word in preaching and in counseling (not

authoritarian) grows only from a sound knowledge of theology. It was because the

scribes and Pharisees were speculative rather than theological in their thinking that

Christ's authoritative teaching stood out in such stark contrast to theirs: "He taught

them as an authority and not as their scribes" (Matthew 7:2951). The scribes based

their teaching not upon an exegetical and theological understanding of the Bible, but

upon the contradictory debates, ramblings and speculations found among the body

of materials called the "traditions of the elders" which so often made the clear intent

of various passages of no effect (Mark 7:1352). It doesn't surprise, therefore, that

Christian counselors today lack authority; there is so much speculation and so little

theological depth among them53.

50 http://learntheology.com/the-need-for-theology-in-counseling.html.51 Matthew 7:29: “or he taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.”52 Mark 7:13 “Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye.”53 Adams, A Theology of Christian Counseling, p 13.

24 | P a g e


Typically, the self-appointed Christian "professional" has spent years studying

psychology at the graduate level, but has little more than a Sunday school (or, at best

a Bible school) knowledge of the Bible. That is woefully inadequate for a full-time

counselor or teacher of counseling! Theological principles and method take not only

time to develop and learn, but on top of that it takes years of hard effort in applying

them to the study of the Scriptures to yield the kind of satisfying results that are

needed in counseling.

"Why aren't there more people who approach counseling Biblically?", people often

ask. The answer is that there are so few persons in the field who are adequately

prepared theologically to do so. How can a counselor who doesn't even possess the

word "exegesis" as a part of his everyday speaking vocabulary, and who doesn't

even understand the problems of theological reflection upon the truths of the

Scriptures, begin to develop a Biblical system? The very idea is absurd54.

It is important:

1. To become aware of one's own commitments and the grounds for arriving at

and for holding them,

2. To make revisions of these and any future commitments consciously on the

basis of satisfactory Biblical theology, and

3. To study theology continually for further implications of truths that will lead

to a more biblical sort of counseling and will lend a proper sort of authority to

that counsel.

54 http://learntheology.com/the-need-for-theology-in-counseling.html.25 | P a g e


In summary, the relationship between counseling and theology is organic;

counseling cannot be done apart from theological commitments. Every act, word

(or lack of these) implies theological commitments. On the other hand, theological

study leads to counseling implications55. The attempt to separate the two must not

be made; they cannot be separated without doing violence to both. The separation

is as unnatural (and as perilous) as the separation of the spirit from the body.

Paraphrasing James, we may say that counseling without theology is dead56.

WHAT IS COUNSELING?

There are many theories and definitions of counseling, but in practical sense

counseling can be seen as a process where the counselor acts as someone to:

L – Learn.

E – Evaluate.

A – Advise.

N – Nurture.

Lean on (temporarily) in order to assist a person to:

M – Motivated

O – Objective/optimistic

V – With a vision

E – Encourage/enthusiastic

Move on permanently and competently in life.

Counseling is a process of helping young people, not by taking over or providing

solutions, but by creating favorable conditions for them to achieve their own insight

and to change from within. In this way they gain confidence in their ability to use

55 Adams, A Theology of Christian Counseling, p 15.56 http://learntheology.com/the-need-for-theology-in-counseling.html.

26 | P a g e


their own resources and become encouraged to assume self-direction and

responsibility for their lives57.

In short, counseling can be seen as helping people to help themselves, individually

or as a group. If a person is hungry, you can satisfy that need by giving him a fish,

but if you teach that person how to catch a fish, he will be able to satisfy this need

forever, without your help.

COMMUNICATION

“Communication” as a word originates from late Middle English: from Old

French comunicacion, from Latin communicatio(n-), from the verb

communicare 'to share'58.

Successful counseling is about successful communication, both verbally and non-

verbally. Communication is the interaction between two people where spiritual

contact takes place through speaking, listening, sharing, accepting and trusting.

The most important communication skill in counseling is the ability to listen

effectively. Listening is an active process which takes into account both verbal and

non-verbal messages.

VERBAL COMMUNICATION

Encouraging responses based on USA (Understanding, Sincerity and Acceptance),

for example:

Uh-Uh.

57 Molapo, I Can Counsel, p 1.58 http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/communication.

27 | P a g e


Yes.

I am listening.

Go on.

I hear what you say.

It is safe to say what you feel.

Yes, tell me more.

Would you like to talk about it?

Empathic head nodding, as well as a friendly, warm tone of voice, must accompany

the above.

LISTENING SKILLS

Listening: To make an effort to hear something. To pay attention; heed59.

Effective listening requires commitment in a relaxed atmosphere and adequate time.

The following basic listening skills are of the utmost importance60:

Sympathetic silence. Keep yourself from commenting immediately even

if you disagree strongly. It will show that you are willing to listen.

Passive listening is an active process by giving undivided attention, e.g.

"Yes, I see," while nodding.

59 http://www.thefreedictionary.com/listening.60 Molapo, I Can Counsel, p 3.

28 | P a g e


Tell me more technique, e.g. "Yes, tell me more," or "would you like to

talk about it?" without judging, cross-examining or curiosity.

Summary. Summarize the most important points and repeat it to the

person to make sure that you understood correctly. Highlight the crux of

what was said to show that you listened.

Suitable questions may be asked at the right time to get more

information, not to accuse. Open-ended questions help the

communication process, e.g. "what makes you sad?" instead of "are you

sad?"

Exercise patience by giving the other person a chance to finish his or her

story. Do not interrupt.

FACTORS WHICH MAY HINDER EFFECTIVE LISTENING61

External hindrances. Telephone, TV, doorbell, etc. Suggestion: Manage

your surroundings as far as possible.

Internal hindrances. Stress, tension, priorities, pressures at work,

emotions, moods, time. Suggestion: Your problem is important, needing

my attention now.

Scripted thoughts. While person speaks, you are busy thinking of your

own point of view and you do not listen. Suggestion: Think before you

speak!.

Lack of confidence in your own listening skills. The power of negative

thoughts will keep you from even trying to listen. This attitude will cause

61 Van Niekerk, Parent Enrichment Course, p 95-97.29 | P a g e


you to fail. Suggestion: Try-you can if you want to. Be positive.

Listening only to echoes. It is pleasant to listen to people who agree with

or echo your point of view and unpleasant to listen to someone who

disagrees with your values, faith, etc. You want to listen to what you

would like to hear! This is poor listening! Suggestion: Remember - every

person has the right to his or her own opinion. Nobody can be another you.

Lack of understanding that listening is hard work. True listening

requires intellectual and emotional effort and total concentration. It is

exhausting! Suggestion: Be prepared to put in the effort.

Good listening is not simply politeness. People very often learn to hear,

but not to listen. This can cause many communication problems.

Suggestion: Listen with ears, mind and emotions.

HELPFUL GUIDELINES TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION

Although adolescence is a difficult phase for inter alia parents, teachers and

teenagers, relationships need not become a stumbling block. The following

guidelines are recommended62:

Create a climate of acceptance in which the person can communicate

freely about his problem.

Speak to the person as well mannered as you would to a stranger.

Do not humiliate the person, and prevent his peers from doing this

among themselves.

62 Molapo, I Can Counsel, p 4.30 | P a g e


Give your exclusive attention when the person expresses the need to

discuss something; listen calmly and try to see his point of view as well,

even if you disagree with his altitude or behavior.

Always keep the door open on every subject; do not regard certain topics

as too sensitive for discussion.

Encourage the person to test his thoughts and ideas, refraining from

passing judgment and critical remarks about him.

Build the person’s self-concept and self-confidence by encouraging him

to participate in the discussion.

Remember that the person needs to challenge opinions and behavior in

order to achieve the separation that is essential for the establishment of

his own sense of identity.

NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

Talking is not the only way we communicate with one another, but our body

posture, hand gestures, facial expressions, eye contact and even our mode of dress

convey a wide range of messages and signals. Actions speak louder than words.

What you say, should be reinforced by your non-verbal messages.

HOW TO READ BODY-LANGUAGE63

1. Pay attention to how physically close someone is to you. The closer they are,

the warmer they are thinking of you. If you move slightly closer to them and

they move even closer to you, they probably really like you or are very

63 http://www.wikihow.com/Read-Body-Language.31 | P a g e


comfortable around/by you. But this could also mean that they have a special

comfort with you. A strong friendship or they consider you a member of their

family. It is worth noting that personal space is culturally fluid; keep in mind

that what is considered close in one country is far away in another.

2. Watch their head position. Overly tilted heads are either a potential sign of

sympathy, or if a person smiles while tilting their head, they are being playful

and maybe even flirting. Lowered heads indicate a reason to hide something.

Take note if someone lowers their head. If it is when he is complimented, he

may be shy, ashamed, timid, keeping distance from the other person, in

disbelief, or thinking to himself or herself. If it is after an explanation, then he

may be unsure if what he said was correct, or could be reflecting. It should be

noted that some cultures see this as a sign of respect. Tilted heads mean that

they are confused or challenging you, depending on their eye, eyebrow, and

mouth gestures. Think of how a dog slightly tilts its head when you make a

funny noise.

3. Look into their eyes. People who look to the sides a lot are nervous, lying, or

distracted. However, if a person looks away from the speaker, it very well

could be a comfort display or indicate submissiveness. Looking askance

generally means the person is distrustful or unconvinced. If someone looks

down at the floor a lot, they are probably shy or timid. People also tend to look

down when they are upset, or trying to hide something emotional. People are

often thinking and feeling unpleasant emotions when they are in the process of

staring at the ground. Some cultures believe that looking at someone in the

eyes is a sign of disrespect, or is only done with intimate friends or family, so

this could explain why someone is avoiding eye contact with you. Dilated

pupils mean that the person is interested. Keep in mind, however, that many

substances cause pupils to dilate, including alcohol, cocaine, amphetamines,

MDMA, LSD and others. Don't mistake having a few drinks for attraction. If

32 | P a g e


their eyes seem focused far away, that usually indicates that a person is in

deep thought or not listening.

4. See if they're mirroring you. If someone mimics your body language this is a

very genuine sign that they are trying to establish rapport with you. Try

changing your body position here and there. If you find that they change theirs

similarly, they are mirroring.

5. Check their arms. People with crossed arms are closing themselves to social

influence. Though some people just cross their arms as a habit, it may indicate

that the person is (slightly) reserved, uncomfortable with their appearance

(self-conscious and trying to cover it), or just trying to hide something on their

shirt. If their arms are crossed while their feet are shoulder width or wider

apart, this is a position of toughness or authority. Also be aware of their

surroundings. If it's cold, or it might seem cold to them, they're probably just

trying to stay warm. If they are rubbing their hands together or somehow

touching their own body, they might be comforting themselves (which means

they aren't enjoying the current situation). If someone rests their arms behind

their neck or head, they are open to what is being discussed or just laid back in

general. If their hands are on their hips, they might be waiting, impatient or

just tired. If their hands are closed or clenched, they may be irritated, angry, or

nervous.

6. Be aware of nervous gestures: If someone brushes their hair back with their

fingers, this may be preening, a common gesture if the person likes you, or

their thoughts about something conflict with yours. They might not voice this.

If you see raised eyebrows during this time, you can be pretty sure that they

disagree with you. If the person wears glasses, and is constantly pushing them

up onto their nose again, with a slight frown, that may also indicate they

disagree with what you are saying. Look to make sure they push up their

33 | P a g e


glasses with an intent, not casually adjusting them. Look for pushing on the

rim with two fingers, or an extra motion of wiggling the side of their glasses.

The frown or raised eyebrows should tip you off. (Note: A frown may also

indicate eyestrain, and constant re-adjusting of glasses could be the result of

an improper fit. The distinguishing feature is whether they are looking directly

at you while doing it.) Lowered eyebrows and squinted eyes illustrate an

attempt at understanding what is being said or going on. It's usually skeptical.

This is presuming they are not trying to observe something that's far away.

7. Watch their feet: A fast tapping, shifting of weight, laughing, or movement of

the foot will most often mean that the person is impatient, excited, nervous,

scared, or intimidated. The meaning of feet tapping can usually be discerned

depending on the context; if you are currently talking and they are tapping

their feet, that is an indication of a desire to leave (though usually this

behavior manifests when the person is anxious to get somewhere specific,

such as a meeting, rather than because of what you're doing specifically). Slow

shuffling indicates boredom with the current situation. If during flirtation your

legs/feet touch, tapping can generally be interpreted as nervous excitement.

This is because if they were uncomfortable, they would discreetly move away

from the contact, a much more subtle escape than indirectly trying to tell you

to move away. Note though that some people with ADHD will constantly jiggle

their legs. It doesn't mean anything, it's entirely subconscious and, while

eccentric, it is difficult to stop. Some people also do it out of habit. If the

person is sitting, feet crossed at the ankles means they're generally at ease. If

while standing, a person seems to always keep their feet very close together, it

probably means they are trying to be "proper" in some way. Sometimes feet

together means that they are feeling more submissive or passive. If they

purposely touch their feet to yours, they are flirting! Some people may point

their feet to the direction of where they want to go or sometimes their interest.

So if it's pointing at you, he/she may be interested in you.

34 | P a g e


The basic elements of physical attendance during an exercise in communication can

be summarized as follows64:

Face client squarely (smiling, friendly).

Adopt open posture (relaxed).

Lean toward the client at times.

Maintain good eye contact

Remain relatively relaxed with client.

Successful communication may establish successful relationships. People need

people and unsuccessful relationships drive people away from one another, which

may create problems and unhappiness. Try to memorize and apply the following:

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF SUCCESSFUL INTER-PERSONAL

RELATIONSHIPS

1. Talk to people.

2. Smile at people.

3. Listen to people.

4. Use and remember people's names.



5. Be friendly and helpful.

6. Be warm and sincere.

7. Show interest in other people.

8. Compliment people.

9. Consider and respect people's feelings and opinions.

10. Be understanding and accept people for who they are.

CHARACTERISTICS OF A SUCCESSFUL COUNSELOR

Characteristic: a special quality or trait that makes a person, thing, or

group different from others65.

The success of the counseling process depends on the characteristics of the

counselor. A counselor should have a caring attitude that is understood and

interpreted as such by the client. A counselor must also be likeable, trustworthy,

accepting, acceptable, valuing, open, helpful, respectable and non-threatening.

The guidance counselor wishes to give something of himself/herself to the task of

school guidance and counseling, and it is in this that the significance of being a

guidance teacher lies66.

The counselor should have the following qualities: friendliness, sympathetic

attitude, sense of humor, stability, patience, objectivity, sincerity, tact, fairness,

65 http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/characteristic.66 Petrick, The Equipment of the School Guidance Counselor as Educator, p 102.

36 | P a g e


tolerance, neatness, calmness, broad-mindedness, kindliness, pleasantness, poise,

democratic attitude, consideration, consistency and social intelligence.

Inherent educational qualifications, like the following, are important for the

successful youth counselor67:

Love for children.

Interest in children in need.

Patience with children in need.

Sympathetic attitude towards children.

Empathy with children in need.

Consideration for each child.

Integrity of conduct.

Honesty.

Reasonableness.

A flair for handling children.

Balanced conduct.

Humility towards children.

67 Sonnekus, Subject Didactics: School Guidance and Counseling (HED), p 230-231.37 | P a g e


A sense of humor.

An open mind.

A capacity for sympathetic authoritative guidance.

Wide interests.

A sense of responsibility.

Important: Nobody is perfect, therefore you cannot be expected to exhibit all these

personality traits, but you are expected to display as many of them as possible.

To be a role model for pupils, as well as your colleagues, and the community as a

whole, the expression practice what you preach does apply to the lives of counselors.

The counselor should strive to be a winner in order to help others to become

winners.

WINNERS68

Are in charge of themselves.

Can take decisions.

Know themselves and remain constant and predictable.

Are realistic about themselves.

Do not wish they were somebody else.

68 Linhard & Dlamini, Life Skills in the Classroom, p 91.38 | P a g e


Reveal themselves.

Do not hide behind a mask.

Are confident people.

Are self reliant.

Do their own thinking.

Come to their own conclusions.

Assume responsibility for their own lives.

Have goals.

Have a time table.

Live in the present.

Know their feelings and limitations but are not afraid of them.

Enjoy life people work and nature.

Care for the world and its communities.

Work to make it a better place.

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LOSERS

Are dependent on their environment.

Avoid taking responsibility for their lives.

Have learnt to manipulate others.

Are anxious.

Are discontented.

Seldom live in the present.

Dream of the past and the future.

Cling to life as it used to be.

Blame others for their shortcomings and mistakes.

Anticipate that the worst will happen.

Have difficulty giving affection.

Have no self esteem.

Are easily hurt.

We are all part winners, part losers, but we should go for the qualities of the winner.

40 | P a g e


People in counseling should strive to be winners, as they very often become role

models and their actions speak louder than words.

Self-concept is the way a person perceives himself/herself in terms of social,

physical and intellectual attributes. People with a positive self-concept are better

adjusted than those with a negative self-concept69.

A FEW PRACTICAL HINTS

People respond very positively towards:

A friendly smile.

A comment, question or compliment where or when you meet in or out

of school, just to show that you care.

A physical touch, depending on the kind of relationship that exists.

Handle this issue with great care.

Communication by way of a short letter or card during illness, grief,

happiness or success.

An apology if you've made a mistake or neglected the person.

Sharing something about yourself (not too personal) as a friend if it could

be of any help or comfort in their situation. Remember it is always about

them, not you.

Always ask yourself: would I share my problems, anxieties, fears or dreams with a

counselor like me? Why? Why not?



In order to be a successful counselor, the person must be able to trust you, confide in

you, feel free to be himself or herself in your presence, LEAN on you if necessary

(temporarily), in order to MOVE on in life, on his/her own.

TRUE BIBLICAL COUNSELING

Truly biblical counseling addresses the complexity of life lived in a fallen world. The

Bible profoundly describes existence through our creation in God’s image, our fall

into sin, and our redemption in Christ. Only when taken together can we understand

people, diagnose problems, and prescribe solutions—Biblically.

Biblical counseling follows a holistic approach to the nature of human nature.

Created in the image of God, we should reflect God in our relational (spiritual, social,

and self-aware), rational (images and beliefs), volitional (motivations and actions),

emotional (responses and reactions), and physical capacities. Only when united can

we help the whole person to become a whole person.

Biblical counseling takes a robust approach to counselor training. It refuses all

shortcuts as it recognizes the need for equipping in Biblical content, Christ-like

character, relational competencies, and Christian community. Only when combined

can we produce truly effective soul caregivers and spiritual directors70.

Bible-based counseling differs a great deal from other popular or secular counseling

(“heavenly wisdom vs. human wisdom” James 3:13-1871). Its paramount goal is to

search God’s Word for the principles and methods He has already provided. Its

70 http://bcsfn.aacc.net/wp-content/themes/gear/media/what_makes_biblical.pdf71 James 3:13 – 18: “Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him show out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom. But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth. This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.

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premise is that God’s instruction is always needed immediately, consistently, and

without contradiction in the counseling process. God’s Word is needed to guide

individuals through their problems (and “blocks”) in a God-honoring manner and on

to a healthy walk with the Lord Jesus Christ (John 17:1772; Romans 8:28-2973; 12:1-

274; Ephesians 4:17- 5:2075). Biblical counseling acknowledges that people may

become confused, ill adjusted, defeated, and hopeless relative to the issues of life.

This may result from a crisis situation, the sin of others, lack of biblical

understanding, their own personal sin, and/or, sometimes, an organic (medically

proven) illness.

Biblical counseling has as its primary goal to help a person or family become “God’s

kind of person.” The goal in Biblical counseling is not necessarily to make the person

feel better or simply to remove the problem. This will hopefully take place, but the

goal is bigger than that. 2 Corinthians 5:976 says “So we make it our goal to please

Him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.” The goal in Biblical

counseling is to come along side a person who is struggling and seek to apply the

principles in God’s Word in such a way that the person responds in an obedient and

godly manner to the problems they are facing.77

72 John 17:17: “Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.”73 Romans 8:28 – 29: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.”74 Romans 12:1 – 2: “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”75 Ephesians 4:17 – 5:20. Only verse 17 & 18 are quoted: “This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind, Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart:”76 2 Corinthians 5:9: “Wherefore we labor, that, whether present or absent, we may be accepted of him.”77 http://cbcmadison.com/counseling/

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Biblical counseling utilizes: thorough data gathering (Proverbs 18:1378), health

considerations (James 5:13-1679), biblical instruction with application (2 Timothy

3:16-1780), independent counselee Bible study and application (2 Timothy 2:1581; I

Peter 2:1-382), accountability with and help from other believers in the church

(Philippians 4:2-383; Hebrews 10:24-2584), prayer, and practical homework

(Matthew 19:2185; Mark 5:1986).

Biblical counseling relies upon: the power of the principles that God has provided in

His Word (Hebrews 4:1287; Psalm 1988), the work of the Holy Spirit (Philippians

78 Proverbs 18:13: “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”79 James 5:13-16: “Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms. Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him. Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”80 2 Timothy 3:16-17: “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.”81 2 Timothy 2:15: “Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”82 I Peter 2:1-3: “Wherefore laying aside all malice, and all guile, and hypocrisies, and envies, and all evil speakings, as newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby: If so be ye have tasted that the Lord is gracious.”83 Philippians 4:2-3: “I beseech Euodias, and beseech Syntyche, that they be of the same mind in the Lord. And I entreat thee also, true yokefellow, help those women which labored with me in the gospel, with Clement also, and with other my fellow laborers, whose names are in the book of life.”84 Hebrews 10:24-25: “and let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.”85 Matthew 19:21: “Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.”86 Mark 5:19: “Howbeit Jesus suffered him not, but saith unto him, Go home to thy friends, and tell them how great things the Lord hath done for thee, and hath had compassion on thee.”87 Hebrews 4:12: “For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.”88 Psalm 19: This is too long to include here.

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2:1389), the faithfulness of God to answer prayer (Matthew 7:7-1290; James 5:17-

1891), the mutual encouragement and exhortation of the Body of Christ (Hebrews

10:24-2592), and the disciplined effort of the counselee (I Timothy 4:793).

89 Philippians 2:13: “For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.”90 Matthew 7:7-12: “sk, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.”91 James 5:17-18: “Elijah was a man subject to like passions as we are, and he prayed earnestly that it might not rain: and it rained not on the earth by the space of three years and six months. And he prayed again, and the heaven gave rain, and the earth brought forth her fruit.”92 Hebrews 10:24-25: “And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.”93 I Timothy 4:7: “But refuse profane and old wives' fables, and exercise thyself rather unto godliness.”

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LESSON 1 ASSIGNMENT

1. What is a Biblical counselor? 3

2. What notable element distinguishes Biblical counseling from all

other forms of counseling?

1

3. Why must the Biblical counselor committed to a Godward focus

in counseling?

3

4. What is the goal of a counseling session? 2

5. Ever since apostolic times, counseling has occurred in the

church as a natural function of corporate spiritual life. Give 7

examples, with Scripture references.

14

6. What are the seven fundamentals of Biblical counseling? Name

each element and describe it, in detail.

28

7. In a Biblical counseling context, what is theology? 2

8. Because his counsel is dependent upon Biblical principles, what

ought a Christian counselor understand?

1

9. What does this mean “the relationship between counseling and

theology is organic”?

6

10. What is communication in a Biblical counseling context? 2

11. What is the most important communication skill in counseling? 1

12. Effective listening requires commitment in a relaxed

atmosphere and adequate time. Name and describe, in your

own words, the 6 basic listening skills.

12

13. Name and describe in your own words 7 hindrances to

communication. Give an example of each.

21

14. What are the basic elements of physical attendance during an

exercise in communication?

5

15. What are the qualities of a counselor? 19

16. There is no single mould of story-telling. What are the varieties

involved? Describe them.

9

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17. Practical assignment.

17.1. With the assistance and supervision of your pastor, find

a client who is willing to share their life story with you.

Make sure that the pastor is willing to assist the client as

need may be after you interview.

17.2. The life story should be broken into the following phases

(where applicable) and submitted in a report (½ a page

per phase):

17.2.1. Birth to 6 years of age.

17.2.2. 6 to 12 years of age.

17.2.3. 12 to 18 years of age.

17.2.4. Early adulthood.

17.2.5. Middle age.

17.2.6. Senior years.

17.3. What, in terms of the client’s relationship with God

stands out for you?

21

Total 150

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LESSON 2: EMPATHY, COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING

INTRODUCTION

Empathy: the feeling that you understand and share another person's

experiences and emotions: the ability to share someone else's feelings94.

When clients present themselves to counselors, there is no way of reading what is in

their hearts. This unfolds over the course of counseling sessions, but it is not visible

in the beginning. There is no single mold of story-telling. There are several varieties

involved.

1. One deals with the quality of the story told. At one end of the spectrum are

clients who try to tell their stories up front, clearly, and in detail; at the other

end are clients who tell stories that are general, partial, and ambiguous.

2. A second variety deals with concern about self-presentation. At one end are

clients who are not especially concerned about what their counselors think of

them; they have no particular need to be seen in a favorable light. At the other

end are clients who are extremely concerned about what their counselor

thinks of them and will skew their stories to present themselves in the best

light.

3. A third variety deals with the truthfulness of the story. At one end are clients

who tell their stories as honestly as possible; at the other end are clients who,

for whatever reason, lie. The latter might not give a hoot about what the

counselor thinks of them, but they still lie.

94 http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/empathy.48 | P a g e


In all three varieties there is every shade in between. Throw all of these together

with their various combinations and variations, add every other possible

motivation, and you have an "infinite" number of storytelling styles.

Rather, each client has his or her own style. Add the enormous diversity found in

clients and in story content, and it is clear to confident counselors that each client

represents an N = 1 (sole subject) research project.

Counselors, whether professional or lay, and ordinary people engage in mini-

versions of the helping process more often than they realize. That is, the whole

process, which can take weeks or months or even years, can also take place literally

within minutes. No matter how long it takes, however, counselors need to adopt a

whole-process mentality. Consider the following scenario95.

Lara, a pastoral-care worker in an urban hospital, gets a call from a nurse

who says that a patient who is to undergo surgery the next day wants to see

someone from the pastoral-care team. She visits the patient, a man who is

going to have surgery for colon cancer. She listens to his concerns, sees his

anxiety, and realizes that he is seeking some modicum of peace in the face

of adversity. She gently asks whether praying together might help. He says

that although he has not been very "religious," he would like to face the

"Almighty" in a better frame of mind. She chooses the Psalm that begins

with the words "The Lord is my Shepherd." She emphasizes the themes that

are most relevant to his current plight and state of mind. Between phrases

of the prayer, they talk about his concerns. At the end, he says that he is

still frightened but feels he is in a much better state to face the next day.

Lara says that she will have the nurse stop by to see whether he might want

something for his anxiety. Later the nurse drops by and gives him some

medication to help reduce his anxiety and get some sleep.

95 Egan, The Skilled Helper, p 36.49 | P a g e


Lara listens to the patient's concerns and helps him give expression to them, realizes

that he wants some relief from his anxiety and to feel more at peace, from a religious

point of view, about facing surgery, and uses prayer and dialogue about the themes

within the prayer to help him find some of the peace he is looking for. Counselors

need to develop a holistic-process mentality.

DEFINITIONS

Compassion. A feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by

misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering96.

Understanding. A mental process of a person who comprehends; comprehension;

personal interpretation, intellectual faculties; intelligence; mind97.

Empathy: The term “empathy” is used to describe a wide range of experiences.

Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s

emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking

or feeling. Contemporary researchers often differentiate between two types of

empathy: “Affective empathy” refers to the sensations and feelings we get in

response to others’ emotions; this can include mirroring what that person is feeling,

or just feeling stressed when we detect another’s fear or anxiety. “Cognitive

empathy,” sometimes called “perspective taking,” refers to our ability to identify and

understand other peoples’ emotions98.

THE IMPORTANCE OF EMPATHIC RELATIONSHIPS

In day-to-day interpersonal communication, empathy is a tool of civility. Making an

effort to get in touch with another's frame of reference sends a message of respect.

Therefore, empathy plays an important part in building relationships. It gives

96 http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/compassion.97 http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/understanding?s=t.98 http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/empathy/definition.

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concrete expression to the value of respect. However, the communication skills as

they are practiced in helping settings don't automatically transfer to the ordinary

social settings of everyday life.

In everyday life, empathy does not necessarily have to be put into words. Given

enough time, people can establish empathic relationships with one another in which

understanding is communicated in a variety of rich and subtle ways without

necessarily being put into words. A simple glance across a room as one spouse sees

the other trapped in a conversation with a person he or she does not want to be

with can communicate worlds of understanding. The glance says, "I know you feel

caught. I know you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. I can feel the

struggles going on inside you. I also know that you'd like me to rescue you, if I can

do so tactfully."

LISTENING TO AND UNDERSTANDING VERBAL MESSAGES99

Most immediately, counselors’ listen to clients' verbal messages; their "stories,"

which are mixtures of clients' experiences, behaviors, and affect. Traditionally,

human activity has been divided into three parts: thinking, feeling, and acting. A

slightly different approach is taken here100.

Clients talk about their experiences, that is, what happens to them. If a

client tells you that she was fired from her job, she is talking about her

problem situation as an experience.

Clients talk about their behavior, that is, what they do or refrain from

doing. If a client tells you that he smokes and drinks a lot or if he says

that he spends a great deal of time daydreaming, he is talking about his

problem situation as a behavior.

99 Egan, The Skilled Helper, p 66.100 Ibid.

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Clients talk about their affect, that is, the feelings and emotions that arise

from or are associated with either experiences or behavior. If a client

tells you how depressed she gets after verbal fights with her fiancé, she is

talking about the affect associated with her problem situation.

All three, are totally interrelated in the day-to-day lives of clients, and in counseling

dialogues, clients talk about all three together.

Most clients spend a fair amount of time, talking about what happens to them, for

example:

"I get headaches a lot."

"My ulcer acts up when family members argue."

"My wife doesn't understand me."

Experience talk often focuses on what other people do or fail to do. At times the

implication is that others are to blame for one's problems101:

"She doesn't do anything all day. The house is always a mess when I come

home from work. No wonder I can't concentrate at work."

"He tells his little jokes, and I'm always the butt of them. No wonder I feel

bad about myself most of the time."

Some clients talk about experiences that are internal and out of their

control.



"These feelings of depression come from nowhere and seem to suffocate

me."

"I just can't stop thinking of him."

LISTENING TO AND UNDERSTANDING CLIENTS IN CONTEXT

People are more than the sum of their verbal and nonverbal messages. Listening in

its deepest sense means listening to clients themselves as influenced by the contexts

in which they "live, move, and have their being."

THE HELPING CONTEXT IS ALSO IMPORTANT

One needs to be sensitive about how the other may feel about talking one who is

quite different and also needs to understand that the client might well have some

misgivings about helping professions. In other words, the counselor tries to pull

together the themes he/she sees emerging in the client’s story and tries to see those

themes in context. Events may be social and not merely personal events. The

counselor listens actively and carefully, because he/she knows that their ability to

help depends, in part, on not distorting what is heard.

EMPATHIC LISTENING

Both empathic listening and empathic responding are important concepts and

skills102. However, there is so much confusion in the psychological literature as to

what empathy means. Empathy can be seen as an intellectual process that involves

understanding correctly another person's emotional state and point of view.

Empathy can also refer to empathic emotions experienced by the counselor. The

intellectual process is stressed. It is important that counselors understand the

feelings and emotions of their clients and their meaning for the clients even though

102 Eisenberg & Strayer in Egan, The Skilled Helper, p73.53 | P a g e


they might not "feel along with" the clients. Furthermore, this intellectual process is

presented in as a communication skill.

Empathic listening centers on the kind of attending, observing, and listening; the

kind of "being with" needed to develop an understanding of clients and their worlds.

Although it might be metaphysically impossible to actually get "inside" the world of

another person and experience the world as he or she does, it is possible to

approximate this. And even an approximation is very useful in helping. Indeed, if

people are to care for one another, some form of empathy is essential. Caring for

clients and their concerns is part of respect.

Rogers103 talked passionately about basic empathic listening, being with and

understanding the other, even calling it "an unappreciated way of being". He used

the word unappreciated because in his view few people in the general population

developed this "deep listening" ability and even so-called expert counselors did not

give it the attention it deserved. Here is his description of basic empathic listening,

or being with:

It means entering the private perceptual world of the other and becoming

thoroughly at home in it. It involves being sensitive, moment by moment, to

the changing felt meanings which flow in this other person, to the fear or

rage or tenderness or confusion or whatever that he or she is experiencing.

It means temporarily living in the other's life, moving about in it delicately

without making judgments104.

103 Carl Rogers (1902-1987) was a humanistic psychologist who agreed with the main assumptions of Abraham Maslow, but added that for a person to "grow", they need an environment that provides them with genuineness (openness and self-disclosure), acceptance (being seen with unconditional positive regard), and empathy (being listened to and understood). Without these, relationships and healthy personalities will not develop as they should, much like a tree will not grow without sunlight and water.Rogers believed that every person can achieve their goals, wishes and desires in life. When, or rather if they did so, self actualization took place. This was one of Carl Rogers most important contributions to psychology and for a person to reach their potential a number of factors must be satisfied.http://www.simplypsychology.org/carl-rogers.html.104 Rogers, A Way of Being, p142.

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Such empathic listening is selfless because counselors must put aside their own

concerns to be fully with their clients. Of course, Rogers pointed out that this deeper

understanding of clients remains sterile unless it is somehow communicated to

them. Although clients can appreciate how intensely they are attended and listened

to, they and their concerns still need to be understood. Empathic listening begets

empathic understanding, which begets empathic responding.

Empathic participation in the world of another person obviously admits of degrees.

As a counselor, you must be able to enter clients' worlds deeply enough to

understand their struggles with problem situations or their search for opportunities

with enough depth to make your participation in problem management and

opportunity development valid and substantial. If your help is based on an incorrect

or invalid understanding of the client, then you're helping may lead him or her

astray. If your understanding is valid but superficial, then you might miss the

central issues of the client's life.

TOUGH-MINDED LISTENING

Tough-minded: Facing facts and difficulties with strength and

determination; realistic and resolute. Practical, unsentimental, stern or

intractable. Characterized by a practical, unsentimental attitude or point

of view. Strong-willed; vigorous; not easily swayed105.

Skilled counselors not only observe the experiences, behaviors, and emotions of

clients within the helping sessions and listen to their stories but also listen to any

slant or spin that clients might give their stories.

105 http://www.thefreedictionary.com/tough-minded.55 | P a g e


Although clients' visions of and feelings about themselves, others, and the world are

real and need to be understood, their perceptions of themselves and their worlds

are sometimes distorted. For instance, if a client sees herself as ugly when in reality

she is beautiful, her experience of herself as ugly is real and needs to be listened to

and understood. But her experience of herself does not square with the facts. This,

too, must be listened to and understood. If a client sees himself as above average in

his ability to communicate with others when, in reality, he is below average, his

experience of himself needs to be listened to and understood, but reality cannot be

ignored.

Tough-minded listening includes detecting the gaps, distortions, and dissonance

that are part of the client's experienced reality. This does not mean that counselors

challenge clients as soon as they hear any kind of distortion. Rather, they note gaps

and distortions and challenge them when it is appropriate to do so.

To be client-centered, counselors must first be reality-centered106.

LISTENING TO ONESELF

The conversation counselors have with themselves during helping sessions is the

"shadow conversation." To be an effective counselor, you need to listen not only to

the client but also to yourself. Listening to yourself can help you identify both what

you might do to be of further help to the client and what might be standing in the

way of your being with and listening to the client. It is a positive form of self-

consciousness.

Counselors can use this to listen to their own verbal messages with themselves,

their nonverbal behavior, and their feelings and emotions. These messages can

refer to the counselor, the client, or the relationship, for example:



"I'm letting the client get under my skin. I had better do something to

reset the dialogue."

"My mind has been wandering. I'm preoccupied with what I have to do

tomorrow. I had better put that out of my mind.

"Here's a client who has had a tough time of it, but her self-pity is

standing in the way of her doing anything about it. But I had better go

slow."

"It's not clear that this client is interested in changing. It's time to test the

waters."

The point is that this shadow conversation goes on all the time. It can be a

distraction or it can be another tool for helping. The client, too, is having his or her

shadow conversation107.

THE THREE DIMENSIONS OF RESPONDING SKILLS: PERCEPTIVENESS, KNOW-

HOW, AND ASSERTIVENESS

The communication skills involved in responding to clients have three dimensions:

perceptiveness, know-how, and assertiveness. These three dimensions are

discussed here as they apply to basic empathy108.

Perceptiveness . Your responding skills are only as good as the accuracy

of the perceptions on which they are based.

Know-how . Once you are aware of what kind of response is called for,

you need to be able to deliver it. For instance, if you are aware that a

107 Egan, The Skilled Helper, p 79.108 Egan, The Skilled Helper, p 81.

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client is anxious and confused because this is his first visit to a counselor,

it does little good if your understanding remains locked up inside you.

Assertiveness . Accurate perceptions and excellent know-how are

meaningless unless they are actually used when called for. If you see that

self-doubt is a theme that weaves itself throughout a client's story and

search for a better future and if you know how to challenge him to

explore this tendency but fail to do so, you do not pass the assertiveness

test. Your skills remain locked up inside you.

Assertiveness is an overriding value in and of itself. To be assertive without

perceptiveness and know-how is to court disaster.

BASIC EMPATHY: COMMUNICATING UNDERSTANDING TO CLIENTS

If attending and listening are the skills that enable counselors to get in touch with

the world of the client, then basic empathy is the skill that enables them to

communicate their understanding of that world. The term basic empathy is used to

distinguish it from empathic listening.

A secure starting point in helping others is listening to them carefully, struggling to

understand their concerns, and sharing that understanding with them. When clients

are asked what they find helpful in counseling interviews, being understood gets top

ratings.

Covey, naming empathic communication one of the "seven habits of highly effective

people," said that empathy provides "psychological air"; that is, it helps people

breathe more freely in their relationships. Care must be taken, however, not to

make a cult out of empathy. It's certainly not a miracle pill. Although many people

may "feel" empathy for others, the truth is that few know how to put it into words.

Empathy as a communication of understanding of the other remains an improbable

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event in everyday life. Perhaps that's why it is so powerful in helping settings. There

is such an unfulfilled need to be understood.

We are going deconstruct basic empathy apart and look at the pieces.

THE BASIC EMPATHY FORMULA

Basic empathic understanding can be expressed in the following stylized

formulas109110:

I can understand (or I realize, I guess, I see) that you feel because_______.

or

You feel . . . [here name the correct emotion expressed by the client] . . .

because (or when) . . . [here indicate the correct experiences and behaviors

that give rise to the feelings]. . . .

The formula is a beginner's tool to get used to the concept of empathy. The formula

is used in the following examples. For the moment, ignore how stylized it sounds.

Ordinary human language will be substituted later.

The accuracy of the counselor’s response does not solve the client’s problems, but

the client does move a bit. He/she shares her concerns and perhaps reduces anxiety

by talking about it.

EXPERIENCES, BEHAVIORS, AND FEELINGS AS ELEMENTS OF EMPATHY

The key elements of an empathic response are the same as the key elements of the

client's story, that is, the experiences, behaviors, and feelings that make up that

story111.

109 http://www.bigbooster.com/articles/motivation/1/98.html.110 Egan, The Skilled Helper, p84.111 Egan, The Skilled Helper, p85.

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Element: A fundamental, essential, or irreducible constituent of a

composite entity112.

Respond to the client's feelings. In the formula, "You feel. . ." is to be followed by the

correct family of emotions and the correct intensity:

The statements "You feel hurt," "You feel relieved," and "You feel

enthusiastic" specify different families of emotion.

The statements "You feel annoyed," "You feel angry," and "You're furi-

ous" specify different degrees of intensity in the same family (anger).

The words sad, mad, bad, and glad refer to four of the main families of emotion,

whereas sad, very sad, and extremely sad refer to different intensities.

Note that the client may actually be talking about emotions felt in the past, that is, at

the time of the event being discussed, or expressing feelings about the event that

arise during the helping session, or both.

It goes without saying that clients don't always name their feelings and emotions.

However, if they express emotion, it is part of the message and needs to be

identified and understood. Often counselors have to read their clients' emotions,

both the family and the intensity in their nonverbal behavior.

Of course, you do not yet know the experiences and behaviors that give rise to these

emotions. Naming and discussing feelings threatens some clients. In this case, it

might be better to focus on experiences and behaviors and proceed only gradually to

a discussion of feelings. Some clients are hesitant to talk about certain emotions.

112 http://www.thefreedictionary.com/elements.60 | P a g e


One client might find it relatively easy to talk about his anger but not his hurt. For

another client it might be just the opposite. Empathy includes the ability to pick up

and deal with these differences.

Finally, keep in mind that in most cases, feelings and emotions arise from the client's

experiences and behaviors. Emotions should not be overemphasized or

underemphasized. They should be dealt with in an integrated way. Of course, once

experienced, emotions go on to drive other behaviors. They are an important part of

the problem situation or the undeveloped opportunity, but they are only a part.

Since clients express feelings in a number of different ways, counselors can

communicate an understanding of feelings in a variety of ways:

By single words. You feel good. You're depressed. You feel abandoned.

You're delighted. You feel trapped. You're angry.

By different kinds of phrases. You're sitting on top of the world. You feel

down in the dumps. You feel left in the lurch. Your back's up against the

wall. You're really steaming.

By what is implied in behavioral statements. (What action I feel like

taking): You feel like giving up (implied emotion: despair). You feel like

hugging him (implied emotion: joy). Now that it's over, you feel like

throwing up (implied emotion: disgust).

By what is implied in experiences that are revealed. You feel you're being

dumped on (implied feeling: victimized). You feel you're being

stereotyped (implied feeling: resentment). You feel you're at the top of

her list (implied feeling: elation). You feel you're going to get caught

(implied feeling: apprehension). Note that the implication of each could

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be spelled out: You feel angry because you're being dumped on. You

resent the fact that you're being stereotyped. You feel great because it

seems that you're at the top of her list.

Since ultimately you must discard formulas and use your own language, words that

are you, it helps to have a variety of ways of communicating your understanding of

clients' feelings and emotions. It keeps you from being wooden in your responses.

Consider this example: The client tells you that she has just been given the kind of

job she has been looking for, for the past two years. Here are some possible

responses to her emotion:

Single word. You're really happy.

A phrase. You're on cloud nine.

Experiential statement. You feel you finally got what you deserve.

Behavioral statement. You feel like going out and celebrating.

Obviously, your responses to clients should be you, not canned responses from a

textbook. With experience, you can extend your range of expression at the service of

your clients.

This client, too, talks about his/her experiences and behaviors and expresses

feelings, the flavor of which is captured in the empathic response. The response,

capturing as it does both the client's enthusiasm and her lingering fears, is quite

useful because the client moves on to her need to make things happen.

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PRINCIPLES TO GUIDE THE USE OF BASIC EMPATHY

Here are a number of principles that can guide you in your use of empathy.

Remember that they are principles, not formulas113.

Use empathy at every stage and step of the helping process. Basic empathic

understanding is a useful response at every stage and every step of the helping

process. Here are some examples:

A teenager in his third year of high school who has just found out that he

is moving with his family to a different city: "You feel sad, maybe even a

bit betrayed, because moving means leaving all your friends."

(understanding and clarification).

A woman who has been discussing the trade-offs between marriage and

career: "You feel ambivalent because if you marry Jim, you might not be

able to have the kind of career you'd like." (options among goals).

A man who is choosing to try to control his cholesterol level without

taking a medicine whose side effects worry him: "You feel relieved

because sticking to the diet and exercise might mean that you won't have

to take any medicine." (Stage III — choosing action strategies).

A married couple who have been struggling to put into practice a few

strategies to improve their communication with each other: "You feel

annoyed with yourselves because you didn't even accomplish the simple

active listening goals you set for yourselves." (action phase).

Basic empathy, as a mode of human contact, a relationship builder, a conversational

lubricant, a perception-checking intervention, and a mild form of social influence, is



always useful. Since empathy provides a continual trickle of understanding, it is a

way of providing support throughout the helping process. It is never wrong to let

clients know that you are trying to understand them from their frame of reference.

Clients who feel they are being understood participate more effectively and more

fully in the helping process. Empathy helps build trust. Basic empathy paves the way

for stronger interventions on the part of the counselor, such as challenging.

Respond selectively to core messages. It is impossible to respond with empathy to

everything a client says. Therefore, as you listen to clients, try to identify and

respond to what you believe are core messages, that is, the heart of what the client is

saying and expressing, especially if the client speaks at any length. Sometimes this

selectivity means paying particular attention to one or two messages even though

the client communicates many.

At other times selectivity means focusing on experiences or actions or feelings

rather than all three.

Responding to core messages is also the social-influence process. The search for

core messages is a selection process. The counselor believes that the messages

selected for attention are core, not just for himself or herself, but primarily for the

client. But the counselor also believes, at some level, that certain messages should be

important for the client. If true dialogue with the client is established, this does not

rob clients of their self-responsibility. Everything gets checked out.

Respond to the context, not just the words. A good empathic response is not based

just on the client's immediate words and nonverbal behavior. It also takes into

account the context of what is said, everything that "surrounds" and permeates a

client's statement. This client may be in crisis. That client may be doing a more

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leisurely "taking stock" of where he is in life. You are listening to clients in the

context of their lives.

Use empathy to stimulate movement in the helping process. Although empathy is an

excellent tool for building the helping relationship, it also needs to serve the goals of

the helping process. Therefore, empathy is useful to the degree that it helps the

client move forward.

What does "move forward" mean? That depends on the stage or step in focus. For

instance, empathy helps clients move forward if it helps them explore a problem

situation or an undeveloped opportunity more fully. Empathy helps clients move

forward to the degree that it helps them identify and explore possibilities for a

better future, craft a change agenda, or discuss commitment to that agenda. Moving

forward means clarifying action strategies, choosing specific things to do, and

setting up a plan. In the action phase, moving forward means identifying obstacles to

action, overcoming them, and accomplishing goals.

Basic empathic statements that hit the mark put pressure on the client to move

forward. So basic empathy itself, even though it is a communication of

understanding, is also part of the social-influence process.

RECOVER FROM INACCURATE UNDERSTANDING

Although counselors should strive to be accurate in the understanding they

communicate, all counselors can be somewhat inaccurate at times. You may think

you understand the client and what he or she has said only to find out, when you

share your understanding, you were off the mark114.

Therefore, empathy is a perception-checking tool. If the counselor’s response is

accurate, the client often tends to confirm its accuracy in two ways:



1. The first is some kind of verbal or nonverbal indication that the counselor is

right. That is, the client nods or gives some other nonverbal cue or uses some

assenting word or phrase such as "that's right" or "exactly."

2. The second and more substantive way in which clients acknowledge the

accuracy of the counselor’s response is by moving forward in the helping

process, for instance, by clarifying the problem situation or preferred-scenario

possibilities more fully.

On the other hand, when a response is inaccurate, the client often lets the counselor

know in different ways: He or she may stop dead, fumble around, go off on a new

tangent, tell the counselor "That's not exactly what I meant," or even try to provide

empathy for the counselor to get him or her back on track. A counselor who is alert

to these cues can get back on track.

Use empathy as a way of bridging diversity gaps. This principle is a corollary of the

preceding two. Empathy based on effective attending and listening is one of the

most important tools you have in interacting with clients who differ from you in

significant ways.

Don't pretend to understand. Clients are sometimes confused, distracted, and in a

highly emotional state. All these conditions affect the clarity of what they are saying

about themselves. Counselors may fail to pick up what the client is saying because of

the client's confusion or because they themselves have become distracted in one-

way or another. In any case, it's a mistake to feign understanding. Genuine

counselors admit that they are lost and then work to get back on track again. A

statement like: "I think I've lost you. Could we go over that once more?" indicates

that you think it important to stay with the client. It is a sign of respect. Admitting

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that you're lost is infinitely preferable to such clichés as "uh-huh," "ummmm," and "I

understand."

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CounsellorResponse

Inaccurate

Verbal or non verbal

confirmation inaccuracy

Restatement & modification

by client

Confirmation of accuracy

Next round in dialog

Confirmation of accuracy

Further clarification by

client

Verbal or non verbal

confirmation of accuracy

Accurate


POOR SUBSTITUTES FOR EMPATHY

Many responses that novice or inept counselors make are really poor substitutes for

accurate empathy. An example will be used to illustrate a range of poor responses115:

Robin is a young woman who has just started a career in law. This is her

second visit to a counselor in private practice. In the first session she said

she wanted to "talk through" some issues relating to the "transition" from

school to business life. She appeared quite self-confident. In this session,

after talking about a number of transition issues, she begins speaking in a

rather strained voice and avoids eye contact with the counselor.

ROBIN: Something else is bothering me a bit. .. . Maybe it shouldn't. After all,

I've got the kind of career that a lot of women would die for. Well, I'm glad

that none of my feminist colleagues is around, I don't like the way I look. I'm

neither fat nor thin, but I don't really like the shape of my body. And I'm

uncomfortable with some of my facial features. Maybe this is a strange time

of life to start thinking about this. In two years I'll be thirty. ... I bet I seem

like an affluent, self-centered yuppie.

Robin pauses and looks at a piece of art on the wall. What would you do or

say?

Here are some possibilities that are better avoided:

No response . It can be a mistake to say nothing, though cultures differ

widely in how they deal with silence (Sue, 1990). In most cultures, if the

client says something significant, respond to it, however briefly.

Otherwise the client may think that what he or she has just said doesn't

merit a response. Don't leave Robin sitting there stewing in her own

115 Egan, The Skilled Helper, p95.68 | P a g e


juices. A skilled counselor would realize that a woman's non-acceptance

of her body could generalize to other aspects of her life and therefore

should not be treated as just a "vanity" problem.

Distracting questions . A counselor might ask something like, "Is this

something new now that you've started working?" This response ignores

what Robin has said and the feelings she has expressed and focuses

rather on the counselor’s agenda to get more information.

Clichés . A counselor might say, "The workplace is competitive. It's not

uncommon for issues like this to come up." This is cliché-talk. It turns the

counselor into an instructor and may sound dismissive to the client.

Clichés are hollow. The counselor is saying, in effect, "You don't really

have a problem at all, at least not a serious one."

Interpretations . A counselor might say something like this: "Robin, my

bet is that your body-image concerns are probably just a symptom. I've

got a hunch that you're not really accepting yourself. That's the real

problem." The counselor fails to respond to the client's feelings and also

distorts the content of the client's communication. The response implies

that what is really important is hidden from the client.

Advice . Another counselor might say, "Hey, don't let this worry you.

You'll be so involved with work issues that these concerns will

disappear." Advice giving at this stage is out of order and, to make things

worse, the advice given has a cliché flavor to it. The values of self-

responsibility suggest that advice giving be kept to a minimum.

Parroting . Empathy does not consist of merely repeating what the client

has said. Such parroting is a parody of empathy. Counselor: So, Robin,

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even though you have a great job, one that many people would envy, it's

your feelings about your body that bother you. The feminist in you

recoils a bit from this news. But there are things you don't like—your

body shape, some facial features. You're wondering why this is hitting

you now. You also seem to be ashamed of these thoughts. "Maybe I'm just

self-centered," is what you're saying to yourself. This may be verbally

accurate, but it sounds awful. Mere repetition carries no sense of real

understanding of, no sense of being with, the client. Since real

understanding is in some way "processed" by you, since it passes

through you, it should convey some part of yourself. Empathy always

adds something. To avoid parroting, come at what the client has said

from a slightly different angle, use different words, change the order,

refer to an expressed but unnamed emotion, in a word, do whatever you

can to let the client know that you are working at understanding.

Sympathy and agreement . Being empathic is not the same as agreeing

with the client or being sympathetic. An expression of sympathy has

much more in common with pity, compassion, commiseration, and

condolence than with empathic understanding. Although these are fully

human traits, they are not particularly useful in counseling. Sympathy

denotes agreement, whereas empathy denotes understanding and

acceptance of the person of the client. At its worst, sympathy is a form of

collusion with the client.

Note the difference between Counselor A's response to Robin and Counselor B's

response.

Counselor A: This is not an easy thing to struggle with. It's even harder to

talk about. It's even worse for someone who is as self-confident as you

usually are.

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Robin: I guess so.

Note that Robin responds with half-hearted collusion-talk. The helping process does

not move forward.

Counselor B: You've got some misgivings about your bodily characteristics,

yet you wonder whether you're even justified talking about it.

Robin: I know. It's like I'm ashamed of my being ashamed. What's worse, I

get so preoccupied with my body that I stop thinking of myself as a person.

It blinds me to the fact that I more or less like the person I am.

Counselor B's response gives Robin the opportunity to deal with her immediate

anxiety and then to explore her problem situation more fully.

TACTICS FOR COMMUNICATING EMPATHY

The principles outlined previously provide strategies for the use of basic empathy.

Here are a few hints, tactics, if you will, to help you improve the quality of your

empathic responses116:

Give yourself time to think . Beginners sometimes jump in too quickly

with an empathic response when the client pauses. "Too quickly" means

that they do not give themselves enough time to reflect on what the client

has just said in order to identify the core message being communicated.

Even the experts pause and allow themselves to assimilate what the

client is saying.

Use short responses . I find that the helping process goes best when I

116 Egan, The Skilled Helper, p96.71 | P a g e


engage the client in a dialogue rather than give speeches or allow the

client to ramble. In a dialogue the counselor’s responses can be relatively

frequent, but lean and trim. In trying to be accurate, the beginner is often

long-winded, especially if he or she waits too long to respond. Again, the

question "What is the core of what this person is saying to me?" can help

you make your responses short, concrete, and accurate.

Gear your response to the client, but remain yourself . If a client speaks

animatedly, telling the counselor of his elation over various successes in

his life, and she replies accurately but in a flat, dull voice, her response is

not fully empathic. This does not mean that counselors should mimic

their clients. It means that part of being with the client is sharing in a

reasonable way in his or her emotional tone.

On the other hand, counselors should not adopt a language that is not their own just

to be on the client's wavelength. A white counselor speaking African American slang,

or vice versa sounds ludicrous.

People with empathic relationships often express empathy in actions. An arm

around the shoulders of someone who has just suffered a defeat can be filled with

both support and empathy.

SUGGESTIONS FOR THE USE OF EMPATHY

1. Remember that empathy is, ideally, a way of being and not just a professional

role or communication skill.

2. Attend carefully, both physically and psychologically, and listen to the client's

point of view.

3. Try to set your judgments and biases aside for the moment and walk in the

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shoes of the client.

4. As the client speaks, listen especially for core messages.

5. Listen to both verbal and nonverbal messages and their context.

6. Respond fairly frequently, but briefly, to the client's core messages.

7. Be flexible and tentative enough that the client does not feel pinned down.

8. Use empathy to keep the client focused on important issues.

9. Move gradually toward the exploration of sensitive topics and feelings.

10. After responding with empathy, attend carefully to cues that either confirm or

deny the accuracy of your response.

11. Determine whether your empathic responses are helping the client remain

focused while developing and clarifying important issues.

12. Note signs of client stress or resistance; try to judge whether these arise

because you are inaccurate or because you are too accurate.

13. Keep in mind that the communication skill of empathy, however important, is

a tool to help clients see themselves and their problem situations more clearly

with a view to managing them more effectively.

SERMON NOTES ON EMPATHY

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The Empathetic Christian (Romans 12:15 117 ) 118

Introduction

1. In the twelfth chapter of Romans, we find answers to questions such as...

a. What is indicative of a true transformation?

b. What constitutes God's good, acceptable, and perfect will for the

Christian?

2. We have seen in previous lessons that it includes...

a. Fulfilling our function in the body of Christ - Romans 12:3-8.

b. Love without hypocrisy, while abhorring what is evil - Romans 12:9.

c. Loving brethren with family affection, esteeming one another highly -

Romans 12:10.

d. Serving the Lord diligently, with fervency of spirit - Romans 12:11.

e. Rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, steadfast in prayer Romans

12:12.

f. Having fellowship in the needs of the saints, pursing hospitality toward

strangers - Romans 12:13.

g. To bless those who persecute us - Romans 12:14.

3. Now we note the twofold exhortation...

a. "Rejoice with those who rejoice" - Romans 12:15a.

b. "Weep with those who weep" - Romans 12:15b.

[In this text we are called to display the virtue of "empathy" towards one another.

What this entails will be the focus of our study...]

Defining Empathy

117 Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.”118 http://executableoutlines.com/ro2/ro12_15.htm

74 | P a g e


Compared to sympathy...

1. Sympathy - An inclination to support or be loyal to or to agree with an opinion.

2. Empathy - Understanding and entering into another's feelings.

One may be sympathetic while not empathetic; the latter requires a deeper

emotional involvement than the former.

Its place in the church...

1. The Lord intended such connection between the members of His Body ("if one

member suffers, all the members suffer with it") - 1Corinthians 12:26.

2. "This command grows out of the doctrine stated in Romans 12:4, 5 that the

church is one; that it has one interest; and therefore that there should be

common sympathy in its joys and sorrows." – Barnes - If we are truly one,

members of the same body, then we will be empathetic towards one another

[Our text commands two ways to demonstrate empathy; we have several examples

of individuals...]

Demonstrating Empathy

Rejoicing with those who rejoice...

1. Neighbors and friends of Elizabeth, mother of John the Baptist - Luke 1:58.

2. Barnabas at Antioch, when he saw the grace of the Lord at work - Acts 11:23.

Two good examples of sharing in others' happiness and success without envy or

jealousy

Weeping with those who weep...

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1. David with his sick friends – Psalm 35:13, 14.

2. Jesus with the family and friends of Lazarus grieving over his death - John

11:33-35.

3. Paul with his weak and stumbling brethren – 2 Corinthians 11:29.

4. Christians with their brethren in prison - Hebrews 13:3 -- People of God truly

understanding and entering into the feelings of their friends and brethren.

[The quality of empathy certainly prepares one to be of greater service

to those around them. How can we rise above simple sympathy for others to truly

become "The Empathetic Christian"...?]

Developing Empathy

Transformed by the renewing of our minds...

1. We must submit to the transformation that comes by renewing our minds - cf.

Romans 12:1-2.

2. Which will involve the development of such graces as:

a. Being kindly affectionate to one another in brotherly love - Romans

12:10a.

b. Giving preference to one another in honor - Romans 12:10b.

Note how being affectionate aids in being able to weep, and learning to give

preference will enable us to rejoice.

Developing the mind of Christ...

1. Note the virtues that characterize the mind of Christ - cf. Philemon 2:3-5.

a. Doing nothing through selfish ambition or conceit.

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b. In lowliness of mind, esteeming others better than oneself.

c. Looking out for the interest of others.

2. Note the goal of having the mind of Christ - Philippians 2:2.

a. To be like-minded.

b. To have the same love.

c. To be of one accord, of one mind.

3. Note what having the mind of Christ is necessary for to experience -

Philippians 2:1-2a.

a. Consolation in Christ.

b. Comfort of love.

c. Fellowship of the Spirit.

d. Affection and mercy.

e. Fullness of joy.

As one develops the mind of Christ, there will be no envy or jealousy to prevent true

empathy; with the mind of Christ, we will be able to truly rejoice and weep!

CONCLUSION

1. It is God's good, acceptable and perfect will that Christians be a people...

a. Who are glad when others rejoice.

b. Who are moved when others weep.

For only then can we be useful in sharing the joy and comfort of Christ with others.

2. Are we truly an "empathetic" people? The development and display of true

empathy will greatly...

a. Increase our usefulness to the Master.

b. Enhance the fellowship we have in the Lord.

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Simple sympathy is not enough; we must be able to understand and enter into one

another's feelings!

Develop the mind of Christ, be transformed by the renewing of your mind,

and you cannot help but become "The Empathetic Christian"...!

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CASE STUDY ON EMPATHY119

Mildred and Helen are both widows. They live in the same neighborhood, attend the

same church, and are only four years apart in age. Both of their husbands died

within the past year.

Mildred’s husband had cancer. His illness was discovered about a year before his

death and, despite surgery and the best medical treatment available, his condition

grew steadily worse as the months passed. Mildred devoted herself to caring for the

man to whom she had been married for more than forty years. When he was

hospitalized, she visited everyday. When he was at home, she cared for him

tenderly, even at the end when she was exhausted. He couldn’t feed himself and was

unable to get out of bed to go to the toilet.

With reluctance and only at the urging of her children and doctor, Mildred finally

agreed to let her husband return to the hospital where he spent the last days of his

life. In the year of his illness, this couple had talked openly and often about death,

about heaven, about their life together, about the things they regretted, and the

pleasant memories they shared. They even talked about the coming funeral and

how Mildred would cope as a widow.

Helen and her husband had no similar conversations. During a vacation trip to

Florida, within weeks of retirement from his company, he collapsed in a restaurant

and was dead on arrival at the local hospital. A massive heart attack had taken his

life and jolted Helen into widowhood.

Months later these two Christian ladies continue to grieve, but it is clear to others

that they are handling their grief differently. Mildred seems to be picking up life and

is learning to live as a widow. Helen remains cloistered in her apartment. She is

unwilling to go out, often refuses to answer the phone, and doesn’t even want to see

119 Collins, Christian Counseling A Comprehensive Guide, p 344.79 | P a g e


the grandchildren that she once doted over. Helen cries a lot, spends a lot of time in

self pity, continually reviews that fateful trip to Florida, and wonders what she or

the paramedics might have done to save her husband’s life. Helen keeps telling

herself and anyone lese who will listen that life for her will never be worth living

again – ever.

When their husbands were alive, Mildred and Helen were good friends who would

often chat after church. Now as they both mourn the deaths of their husbands these

two widows seem to be going in different directions. Each is handling grief in a way

that differs from the other.

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LESSON 2 ASSIGNMENT 1

1. Define empathy. 3

2. What do clients normally talk about? Give an example. 6

3. What can empathy be seen as? 2

4. What value is there is listening to yourself during counseling? 2

5. The communication skills involved in responding to clients have

three dimensions. What are they and briefly discuss them as

they apply to basic empathy.

8

6. What is the basic empathy formula? Give an example. 2

7. What is a good empathic response? 3

8. Provide a few hints, tactics, to help you improve the quality of

empathic responses:

6

9. Provide a few suggestions for the use of empathy. 13

10. Read the following case study (word-for-word as reported to

the counselor):

I needed some advice and went to a church that is on my route to

work. I could even see myself attending their church service on a

Sunday. I met with the leader of the church. Well, speaking the

least, it was very disappointing. He told me straight that he does

not believe in counselors and that there is no way in which people

can be helped as long as they are from this world – using worldly

techniques like counseling to try and help people. He delivered a

one and a half hour preach in telling me that what he does is

right and what I do is not in line with what the Bible require from

us. He only believe in prayer and no talking – he does not want to

hear peoples sad stories because according to him it brings the

person nowhere but keep them bonded in sin.

Your assignment is to:

55

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10.1. Identify the all affected people? (3)

10.2. How would you evaluate the church leader’s

communication skills and why? (3)

10.3. Supposing the church leader was speaking to you, how

would you handle the situation? (4)

10.4. In receiving this client, would you approach matters

differently to the church leader? Motivate your answer.

(5)

10.5. How would you demonstrate empathy toward this client

after hearing the client’s negative experience with that

church? (5)

10.6. Provide 5 Scriptures demonstrating the effective use of

empathy, quote the Scripture and highlight the

empathetic moment (10)

10.7. Compile a lecture on the correct use of empathy,

understanding and compassion. Your target group is a

cell group of no more than 10 persons. Your lecture

should be at least 5 typed pages long. (25)

Total 100

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LESSON 2 ASSIGNMENT 2

1. Submit a book summary of it after completing assignment 2.

YANCEY, P. 2002. Where is God when it hurts? Zondervan: Grand

Rapids. See: http://www.amazon.com/Where-Is-God-When-

Hurts/dp/0310245729/ref=sr_1_1?

ie=UTF8&qid=1395931852&sr=8-

1&keywords=yancey+where+is+god+when+it+hurts

100

2. Read the case study and then re-author it in the form of an essay

as if you were Mildred.

50

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BIBLIOGRAPHY

1. ADAMS, J.E. A Theology of Christian Counseling. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.

1979.

2. BENNER, D.G.. Strategic pastoral counseling. Ada: Baker Academic. 2003.

3. COLLINS, G.R.. The Biblical basis of Christian counseling. Carol Stream:

NavPress. 1997.

4. COLLINS, G.R. Christian counseling a comprehensive guide. Nashville: Thomas

Nelson. 1988.

5. COSGROVE, M.P. Psychology Gone Awry. Grand Rapids: Zondervan. 1979.

6. CRABB, L.C. Basic principles of Biblical Counseling. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.

1975.

7. EGAN, G. The skilled helper. Wadsworth: Brooks / Cole. 2009.

8. INTERNET. http://learntheology.com. Accessed 28 March 2014.

9. INTERNET. http://www.calebcounseling.org. Accessed 28 March 2014.

10. INTERNET. http://bcsfn.aacc.net. Accessed 2 April 2014.

11. INTERNET. http://learntheology.com. Accessed 28 March 2014.

12. INTERNET. http://www.merriam-webster.com. Accessed 28 March 2014.

13. INTERNET. http://www.oxforddictionaries.com. Accessed 28 March 2014.

14. INTERNET. http://cbcmadison.com/counseling/. Accessed 02 April 2014.

15. INTERNET. http://www.thefreedictionary.com. Accessed 28 March 2014.

16. INTERNET. http://global.britannica.com. Accessed 28 March 2014.

17. INTERNET. http://www.wikihow.com. Accessed 28 March 2014.

18. INTERNET. http://executableoutlines.com. Accessed 02 April 2014.

19. INTERNET. http://dictionary.reference.com. Accessed 28 March 2014.

20. INTERNET. http://greatergood.berkeley.edu. Accessed 28 March 2014.

21. INTERNET. http://www.simplypsychology.org. Accessed 28 March 2014.

22. LINKHARD, N. & DLAMINI, N. Life skills in the classroom. Johannesburg:

Maskew Miller. 1990

23. LOUW, D.J. Illness as crisis and challenge. Halfway House: Orion. 1990.

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24. MAC ARTHUR, J. Counseling – how to counsel Biblically. Nashville: Thomas

Nelson. 2005.

25. MOBEY, C. Filadelfia Administrative Manual 2014. Bloemfontein: Filadelfia.

2014.

26. MOLAPO, D. & VAN DER MERWE, M. I can counsel: Fourways: I can foundation.

2003.

27. PETRICK, H.C. The equipment of the school guidance counselor as educator .

Pretoria: University of South Africa. 1986.

28. PULASKI, A. Biblical counseling manual. Bloomington: Trafford Publishing.

2006.

29. ROGERS, C. A way of being. Houghton Mufflin: Boston. 1980.

30. SONNEKUS, I.P. Subject didactics: school guidance and counseling (HED).

Pretoria: University of South Africa. 1991.

31. STOOP, D. Forgiving our parents, forgiving ourselves. New Delhi: Regal

Publishers. 2011.

32. TURNBULL, R.G. (Ed.). Baker’s Dictionary of practical theology. Michigan:

Baker Book House Company. 1982.

33. VAN DER MERWE, M. Filadelfia Opleidingsentrum Studiegids, jaar 1 module 1.

Bloemfontein: Filadelfia. 2008.

34. VAN NIEKERK, M. Parent enrichment course. Child and Family Care Centre:

Pretoria. 1990.

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BIOGRAPHY

Craig Mobey is married to Lizette and together they reside on a smallholding to the

south of Bloemfontein, South Africa.

Craig holds a Doctor of Ministry, Master of Divinity, Postgraduate Certificate in

Ecometric Assessment (Psycho-social), Diploma in Theology, Diploma in Pastoral

Counseling, Certificate in Biblical Studies and a National Certificate in Internal Audit.

He is an ordained minister and marriage officer with Word in Truth Ministries

International, a Category 5 Pastoral Therapist with the Professional Board for

Pastoral Care and Counselling in South Africa, a Specialist Level Counsellor with the

(professional body) Council for Counsellors in South Africa, a co-opted board

member of the South African Natural Health Practitioners Board, Director of

Filadelfia Ministries, Vice Chairman of the Executive Committee of Shiloh Bible

Institute of South Africa, member of the Digest for Christian Thought and a member

of the European Society for Intercultural Theology and Interreligious Studies. He

has also lectured Practical Theology with the University of North-West,

Potchefstroom Campus and is presently a Senior Extraordinary Lecturer with the

Unit for Reformed Theology and Development with the same university.

Craig has extensive experience in: ministry, lecturing, teaching, facilitating, pastoral

therapy & counseling, evangelism and financial management.

Craig is co-owner & academic head of Filadelfia Biblical Counseling Institute.

This is the first MINTS that he has written.

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INSTRUCTORS MANUAL

EXAMINATION

60 marks. 90 minutes.

Instructions:

1. Pray.

2. You may use your “everyday” Bible.

3. Remain calm and focus.

4. Answer all the questions.

5. Be confident in yourself.

6. Answer the easy questions first.

7. Do not spend too much time on a question; you can come back to it.

8. Do not use a red pen.

9. Cancel errors by means of a single line drawn through the error.

10. Read all question at least twice before answering them.

11. Keep to the point. “Name” means “name”, “discuss” means “discuss” etc.

12. Proof-read your answer and ask yourself: “is my answer complete and have I

answered the question?”

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1. True or false (1): “Any model of counseling will be framed, designed, and

executed in happy submission to the Biblical demand that our lives be lived

out entirely for the glory of God.”

2. Which statement is false (1)? The Biblical counselor must be committed to a

Godward focus in counseling. There are three basic reasons:

2.1. Because God demands it;

2.2. Because the natural exaltation of self is proper; and

2.3. Because the soul-satisfying life God intends for children can only be

found through Jesus' spiritual paradox in denying self and focusing on

God.

3. Choose the most correct option (1):

3.1. Our beliefs and attitudes, determined in large degree by our faith, will

play the foremost role in our thinking patterns.


play an important role in our thinking patterns.


play a slight role in our thinking patterns.

4. True or false? “Ever since apostolic times, counseling has occurred in the

church as a natural function of corporate spiritual life” (1)

5. True of false? “All those instructions apply all believers, not only to some

priestly caste of experts. Counseling, particularly counseling that fully

employs and applies God's Word, is a necessary duty of Christian life and

fellowship, but not the expected result of true spiritual maturity.” (1)

6. Case study. Read through carefully, and answer the questions (total = 29).

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George married Carla while studying theology, full time. She was

enthusiastic about being a minister’s wife. George’s academic program

was hectic and money was tight. Communication was less frequent and

there was not much time for intercourse either. After a year of working as

an administrative clerk, Carla began to talk about resigning so that they

could start a family – but George opposed this since he still had two years

full time study left. One night, George came home from the library and

found a note on the refrigerator; Carla had moved in with her boyfriend

and was expecting his baby. George could no longer concentrate on his

studies and sunk into depression. He felt rejected, betrayed, guilty and a

failure. His career is on the rocks and he knew that his church

denomination will not ordain a divorced person. George wonders if he

may re-marry and if so will he be able to trust a woman again and would

any women want a man whose marriage has failed.

6.1. Identify all of the persons affected in this case study (6x½=3).

6.2. Identify (4x½) the dimensions of forgiveness and guide George (4x1)

through them (total = 6).

6.3. Using reasonable emotional management steps (8x½) and your

discretion, help George deal (8x2=16) with his emotions (total=20).

7. What is the basic empathy formula? (2x1=2)

8. Empathy is a perception-checking tool. If the counselor’s response is accurate,

the client often tends to confirm its accuracy in two ways. Name (2x½) and

give and example of each (2x1) them (total = 3):

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9. Almost every day we have to do with people who offend or hurt us and in due

course we learn to forgive immediately. In so doing (5x1=5):

10. Write a mini essay (3 pages) on your understanding of the uniqueness of

Christian Counseling, with specific reference to the Christian Theism’s answer

to Psychology’s inadequacies. (16).

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LESSON 1 ASSIGNMENT ANSWERS

1. What is a Biblical counselor?

By definition, the Biblical counselor is one who is persuaded of

and allegiant to a Christian worldview,

that is, one who functions within a frame reference that

consciously sees all of the realities and relationships of life a

perspective that is Biblically coherent and consistent,

and thus honors God of Scriptures

3

2. What notable element distinguishes Biblical counseling from all

other forms of counseling?

the commitment to a theocentric perspective on all of life and

thought

1

3. Why must the Biblical counselor committed to a Godward focus in

counseling?

Because God demands it;

Because the natural exaltation of self is destructive; and

Because the soul-satisfying life God intends for children can only

be found through Jesus' spiritual paradox in denying self and

focusing on God

3

4. What is the goal of a counseling session?

to change the counselee's focus on the false self, a self of lusts and

appetites

to a realization of his true self, a self in union with Christ

2

5. Ever since apostolic times, counseling has occurred in the church

as a natural function of corporate spiritual life. Give 7 examples,

with Scripture references.

1. "admonish one another" (Romans 15:14);

2. "encourage one another" (Hebrews. 3:13);

3. "comfort one another with these words" (1 Thessalonians 4:18);

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4. "encourage one another, and build up one another" (1

Thessalonians 5:11);

5. "confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so

that you may be healed" (James 5:16)

6. "We who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those

without strength and not just please ourselves" (Romans 15:1)

7. "Even if a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual,

restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to

yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens,

and thus fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:1-2)

6. What are the seven fundamentals of Biblical counseling? Name

each element and describe it, in detail.

1. God is at the center of counseling. God is sovereign, active,

speaking merciful, commanding, and powerful. The Lord and

Savior, Jesus Christ, is the central focus of counseling and the

exemplar of the Wonderful Counselor. The Word of God and the

work of the Holy Spirit are foundational to all significant and

lasting life change. The Word of God is about counseling, giving

both understanding of people and methods of ministering to

people. The Bible is authoritative, relevant, and comprehensively

sufficient for counseling. God has spoken truly to every basic

issue of human nature and to the problems in living. His Word

establishes the goal of counseling, how people can change, the

role of the counselor, counseling methods, and so forth.

Christians have the only authoritative source for counseling

wisdom: the Holy Spirit speaking through the Word of God. The

fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and wisdom is the

only worthy goal of counseling.

2. Commitment to God has fundamental consequences. First,

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other sources of knowledge must be submitted to the authority of

Scripture. The sciences, personal experience, literature, and so

forth may be useful, but may not play a constitutive role in

counseling. Second, there is a conflict of counsel built into human

life. Genesis 3, Psalm 1, and Jeremiah 23 are paradigmatic.

Counsel that contradicts God's counsel has existed since the

Garden of Eden, challenging God's counsel and building from

other presuppositions and towards other goals. Such false

counsel must be noted and opposed. Specifically, in our time and

place, secular psychology has intruded into the domain of

Biblical truth and practice. Secular theories and therapies

substitute for Biblical wisdom and deceive people both inside and

outside the church. The false claimants to authority must be

exposed and opposed.

3. Sin, in all its dimensions (for example, both motive and behavior;

both the sins we do and the sins done against us; both the

consequences of personal sin and the consequences of Adam's

sin) is the primary problem counselors must deal with. Sin

includes wrong behavior, distorted thinking, an orientation to

follow personal desires, and bad attitudes. Sin is habitual and

deceptive, and much of the difficulty of counseling consists in

bringing specific sin to awareness and breaking its hold. The

problems in living that necessitate counseling are not matters of

unmet psychological needs, indwelling demons of sin, poor

socialization, inborn temperament, genetic predisposition, or

anything else that removes attention from the responsible

human being. The problem in believers is remnant sin; the

problem in unbelievers is reigning sin. Sin is the problem.

4. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the answer. Forgiveness for sin

and power to change into Christ's image are the greatest needs

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of mankind. Christ deals with sin: the guilt, the power, the

deception, and the misery of sin. He was crucified for sinners, He

reigns over hearts by the power of the Holy Spirit, and He will

return to complete the redemption of His people from their sins

and sufferings. These core truths must infuse the counseling

process.

5. The Biblical change process which counseling must aim at is

progressive sanctification. While there are many ways of

changing people, Biblical counseling aims for nothing less than

transformation into the image of Jesus Christ amid the rough

and tumble of daily life. Change is not instantaneous, but

progresses throughout life. This progressive view of

sanctification has many implications. For example, the process

of change is only metaphorically, not actually, healing. The

metaphor is meant to capture the process of sanctification:

ongoing repentance, renewal of mind unto Biblical truth, and

obedience in the power of the Spirit.

6. The situational difficulties people face, are not the random cause

of problems encountered through everyday living. These

difficulties operate within the sovereign design of God. They are

the context in which hearts are revealed, and faith and obedience

are purified through the battle between the Spirit and the flesh.

Influential aspects of one's life situation do not cause sin.

Heredity, temperament, personality, culture, oppression and evil,

bereavement, handicaps old age, Satan, physical illness, and so

forth are significant for counseling, but do not ultimately cause

sin.

7. Counseling is fundamentally a pastoral activity and must be

church-based. It must be regulated under the authority of

God's appointed shepherds. Counseling is connected both

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structurally and in content to other aspects of the pastoral task:

teaching, preaching, prayer, church discipline, use of gifts,

missions, worship, and so forth. Counseling is the private

ministry of the Word of God, tailored specifically to the

individuals involved. The differences between preaching and

counseling are not conceptual but only methodological. The

same truths are applied in diverse ways.

7. In a Biblical counseling context, what is theology?

the attempt to bring to bear upon any given doctrine (or

teaching) all that the Bible has to say about it.

Biblical theology also notes the development of special revelation

particularly in relationship to the redemptive work of Christ.

2

8. Because his counsel is dependent upon Biblical principles, what

ought a Christian counselor understand?

all that the Scriptures say on a given topic in order to give fully

Biblical direction to their counselees

1

9. What does this mean “the relationship between counseling and

theology is organic”?

1. counseling cannot be done apart from theological commitments.

2. Every act, word (or lack of these) implies theological

commitments.

3. On the other hand, theological study leads to counseling

implications.

4. The attempt to separate the two must not be made; they cannot

be separated without doing violence to both.

5. The separation is as unnatural (and as perilous) as the

separation of the spirit from the body.

6. Paraphrasing James, we may say that counseling without

theology is dead

6

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10. What is communication in a Biblical counseling context?

the interaction between two people where spiritual contact takes

place

through speaking, listening, sharing, accepting and trusting

2

11. What is the most important communication skill in counseling?

the ability to listen effectively

1

12. Effective listening requires commitment in a relaxed atmosphere

and adequate time. Name and describe, in YOUR OWN WORDS, the

6 basic listening skills.

1. Sympathetic silence. Keep yourself from commenting

immediately even if you disagree strongly. It will show that you

are willing to listen.

2. Passive listening is an active process by giving undivided

attention, e.g. "Yes, I see," while nodding.

3. Tell me more technique, e.g. "Yes, tell me more," or "would you

like to talk about it?" without judging, cross-examining or

curiosity.

4. Summary. Summarize the most important points and repeat it

to the person to make sure that you understood correctly.

Highlight the crux of what was said to show that you listened.

5. Suitable questions may be asked at the right time to get more

information, not to accuse. Open-ended questions help the

communication process, e.g. "what makes you sad?" instead of

"are you sad?"

6. Exercise patience by giving the other person a chance to finish

his or her story. Do not interrupt

12

13. Name and describe in your own words 7 hindrances to

communication. Give an example of each.

1. External hindrances. Telephone, TV, door bell, etc.

Suggestion: Manage your surroundings as far as possible.

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2. Internal hindrances. Stress, tension, priorities, pressures at

work, emotions, moods, time. Suggestion: Your problem is

important, needing my attention now.

3. Scripted thoughts. While person speaks, you are busy thinking

of your own point of view and you do not listen. Suggestion:

Think before you speak!

4. Lack of confidence in your own listening skills. The power of

negative thoughts will keep you from even trying to listen. This

attitude will cause you to fail. Suggestion: Try-you can if you

want to. Be positive.

5. Listening only to echoes. It is pleasant to listen to people who

agree with or echo your point of view and unpleasant to listen to

someone who disagrees with your values, faith, etc. You want to

listen to what you would like to hear! This is poor listening!

Suggestion: Remember - every person has the right to his or her

own opinion. Nobody can be another you.

6. Lack of understanding that listening is hard work. True

listening requires intellectual and emotional effort and total con-

centration. It is exhausting! Suggestion: Be prepared to put in

the effort.

7. Good listening is not simply politeness. People very often learn

to hear, but not to listen. This can cause many communication

problems. Suggestion: Listen with ears, mind and emotions

14. What are the basic elements of physical attendance during an

exercise in communication?

1. Face client squarely (smiling, friendly).

2. Adopt open posture (relaxed).

3. Lean toward the client at times.

4. Maintain good eye contact

5. Remain relatively relaxed with client

5

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15. What are the qualities of a counselor?

1. friendliness,

2. sympathetic attitude,

3. sense of humor,

4. stability, patience,

5. objectivity,

6. sincerity,

7. tact,

8. fairness,

9. tolerance,

10. neatness,

11. calmness,

12. broad-mindedness,

13. kindliness,

14. pleasantness,

15. poise,

16. democratic attitude,

17. consideration,

18. consistency and

19. social intelligence

19

16. There is no single mould of story-telling. What are the varieties

involved? Describe them.

1. One deals with the quality of the story told. At one end of the

spectrum are clients who try to tell their stories up front, clearly,

and in detail; at the other end are clients who tell stories that

are general, partial, and ambiguous.

2. A second variety deals with concern about self-presentation.

At one end are clients who are not especially concerned about

what their counselors think of them; they have no particular

need to be seen in a favorable light. At the other end are

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clients who are extremely concerned about what their counselor

thinks of them and will skew their stories to present themselves

in the best light.

3. A third variety deals with the truthfulness of the story. At one

end are clients who tell their stories as honestly as possible; at

the other end are clients who, for whatever reason, lie. The latter

might not give a hoot about what the counselor thinks of them,

but they still lie

17. Practical assignment.

1.1. With the assistance and supervision of your pastor, find a

client who is willing to share their life story with you.

Make sure that the pastor is willing to assist the client as

need may be after you interview.

1.2. The life story should be broken into the following phases

(where applicable) and submitted in a report (½ a page

per phase):

1.2.1. Birth to 6 years of age. 3 x

1.2.2. 6 to 12 years of age. 3 x

1.2.3. 12 to 18 years of age. 3 x

1.2.4. Early adulthood. 3 x

1.2.5. Middle age. 3 x

1.2.6. Senior years. 3 x

1.3. What, in terms of the client’s relationship with God stands

out for you? 3 x

Notes.

Where a particular life phase is not applicable, give the

student his/her marks.

Mark negatively, deducting a mark for each:

o Spelling mistake.

o Illogical/irrelevant statement.

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o Statement out of “place” with regard to a life

phase.

Deduct a mark if the particular section of a life phase is

too short, or too long.

Total 150

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LESSON 2 ASSIGNMENT 1 ANSWERS

1. Define empathy.

the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to,

and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and

experience of another of either the past or present without

having the feelings, thoughts, and experience

fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner;

also : the capacity for this

3

2. What do clients normally talk about? Give an example.

1. Clients talk about their experiences, that is, what happens to

them. If a client tells you that she was fired from her job, she is

talking about her problem situation as an experience.

2. Clients talk about their behavior, that is, what they do or

refrain from doing. If a client tells you that he smokes and drinks

a lot or if he says that he spends a great deal of time

daydreaming, he is talking about his problem situation as a

behavior.

3. Clients talk about their affect, that is, the feelings and

emotions that arise from or are associated with either

experiences or behavior. If a client tells you how depressed she

gets after verbal fights with her fiancé, she is talking about the

affect associated with her problem situation

6

3. What can empathy be seen as?

an intellectual process

that involves understanding correctly another person's

emotional state and point of view

2

4. What value is there is listening to yourself during counseling?

can help you identify both what you might do to be of further

help to the client and

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what might be standing in the way of your being with and

listening to the client

5. The communication skills involved in responding to clients have

three dimensions. What are they and briefly discuss them as they

apply to basic empathy.

Perceptiveness. Your responding skills are only as good as the

accuracy of the perceptions on which they are based.

Know-how. Once you are aware of what kind of response is

called for, you need to be able to deliver it. For instance, if you

are aware that a client is anxious and confused because this is

his first visit to a counselor, it does little good if your

understanding remains locked up inside you.

Assertiveness. Accurate perceptions and excellent know-how

are meaningless unless they are actually used when called for.

If you see that self-doubt is a theme that weaves itself

throughout a client's story and search for a better future and if

you know how to challenge him to explore this tendency but fail

to do so, you do not pass the assertiveness test. Your skills

remain locked up inside you

8

6. What is the basic empathy formula? Give an example.

You feel . . . [here name the correct emotion expressed by the

client] . . . because (or when) . . . [here indicate the correct

experiences and behaviors that give rise to the feelings]. . . .

+ for the example

2

7. What is a good empathic response?

Respond to the context, not just the words.

A good empathic response is not based just on the client's

immediate words and nonverbal behavior.

It also takes into account the context of what is said, everything

that "surrounds" and permeates a client's statement. This

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client may be in crisis. That client may be doing a more

leisurely "taking stock" of where he is in life. You are listening

to clients in the context of their lives

8. Provide a few hints, tactics, to help you improve the quality of

empathic responses:

1. Give yourself time to think. Beginners sometimes jump in too

quickly with an empathic response when the client pauses. "Too

quickly" means that they do not give themselves enough time to

reflect on what the client has just said in order to identify the

core message being communicated. Even the experts pause and

allow themselves to assimilate what the client is saying.

2. Use short responses. I find that the helping process goes best

when I engage the client in a dialogue rather than give speeches

or allow the client to ramble. In a dialogue the counselor’s

responses can be relatively frequent, but lean and trim. In trying

to be accurate, the beginner is often long-winded, especially if he

or she waits too long to respond. Again, the question "What is the

core of what this person is saying to me?" can help you make

your responses short, concrete, and accurate.

3. Gear your response to the client, but remain yourself. If a

client speaks animatedly, telling the counselor of his elation over

various successes in his life, and she replies accurately but in a

flat, dull voice, her response is not fully empathic. This does not

mean that counselors should mimic their clients. It means that

part of being with the client is sharing in a reasonable way in his

or her emotional tone.

6

9. Provide a few suggestions for the use of empathy.

1. Remember that empathy is, ideally, a way of being and not just a

professional role or communication skill.

2. Attend carefully, both physically and psychologically, and listen

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to the client's point of view.

3. Try to set your judgments and biases aside for the moment and

walk in the shoes of the client.

4. As the client speaks, listen especially for core messages.

5. Listen to both verbal and nonverbal messages and their context.

6. Respond fairly frequently, but briefly, to the client's core

messages.

7. Be flexible and tentative enough that the client does not feel

pinned down.

8. Use empathy to keep the client focused on important issues.

9. Move gradually toward the exploration of sensitive topics and

feelings.

10. After responding with empathy, attend carefully to cues that

either confirm or deny the accuracy of your response.

11. Determine whether your empathic responses are helping the

client remain focused while developing and clarifying important

issues.

12. Note signs of client stress or resistance; try to judge whether

these arise because you are inaccurate or because you are too

accurate.

13. Keep in mind that the communication skill of empathy, however

important, is a tool to help clients see themselves and their

problem situations more clearly with a view to managing them

more effectively.

10. 1. Read the following case study (word-for-word as reported to

the counselor):

I needed some advice and went to a church that is on my route

to work. I could even see myself attending their church service

on a Sunday. I met with the leader of the church. Well, speaking

the least, it was very disappointing. He told me straight that he

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does not believe in counselors and that there is no way in

which people can be helped as long as they are from this world

– using worldly techniques like counseling to try and help

people. He delivered a one and a half hour preach in telling me

that what he does is right and what I do is not in line with what

the Bible require from us. He only believe in prayer and no

talking – he does not want to hear peoples sad stories because

according to him it brings the person nowhere but keep them

bonded in sin.

10.1 Identify the all affected people? (3) client, church leader and

reader (you)

10.2 How would you evaluate the church leader’s communication

skills and why? (3) poor. Need of client not met, church leader’s

stance dominates situation. Nobody wins.

10.3 Supposing the church leader was speaking to you, how would

you handle the situation? (4) many different options here. Look

for a “Christian” approach that is workable, avoids conflict,

communicates Christ’s love and is to the benefit of the Body

10.4 In receiving this client, would you approach matters

differently to the church leader? Motivate your answer. (5) Yes.

Look for 4 motivated reasons, such as the need to help, the

responsibility to help (or refer) etc.

10.5 How would you demonstrate empathy toward this client after

hearing the client’s negative experience with that church? (5) The

student must demonstrate an understanding of compassion after

receiving the client

10.6 Provide 5 Scriptures demonstrating the effective use of

empathy, quote the Scripture and highlight the empathetic

moment (10) 5 x 2 = 10

10.7 Compile a lecture on the correct use of empathy,

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understanding and compassion. Your target group is a cell group

of no more than 10 persons. Your lecture should be at least 5

typed pages long. (25) mark negatively, deducting points for

grammar, spelling and stances inconsistent with this study guide.

Total 100

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LESSON 2 ASSIGNMENT 2 ANSWERS

Submit a book summary of it after completing assignment 2.

YANCEY, P. 2002. Where is God when it hurts?. Zondervan: Grand

Rapids.

The instructor must carefully balance the student’s net result with

the stated requirements to a book summary and then express one of

the following grades:

0.0 = below 65%

1.0 = 65-66%

1.3 = 67-69%

1.7 = 70-72%

2.0 = 73-76%

2.3 = 77-79%

2.7 = 80-82%

3.0 = 83-86%

3.3 = 87-89%

3.7 = 90-92%

4.0 = 93% and higher

100

The above scale is to be used to grade the essay as well.

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EXAMINATION

1. True or false (1): “Any model of counseling will be framed, designed, and

executed in happy submission to the Biblical demand that our lives be lived out

entirely for the glory of God.” False

2. Which statement is false (1)? The Biblical counselor must be committed to a

Godward focus in counseling. There are three basic reasons:

2.1. Because God demands it;

2.2. Because the natural exaltation of self is proper; and False

2.3. Because the soul-satisfying life God intends for children can only be

found through Jesus' spiritual paradox in denying self and focusing on

God.

3. Choose the most correct option (1):


play a the foremost role in our thinking patterns.


play a important role in our thinking patterns.


play a slight role in our thinking patterns.

4. True or false? “Ever since apostolic times, counseling has occurred in the

church as a natural function of corporate spiritual life” (1) True

5. True of false? “All those instructions apply all believers, not only to some

priestly caste of experts. Counseling, particularly counseling that fully

employs and applies God's Word, is a necessary duty of Christian life and

fellowship, but not the expected result of true spiritual maturity.” (1) False

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6. Case study. Read through carefully, and answer the questions (total = 29).

George married Carla while studying theology, full time. She was

enthusiastic about being a minister’s wife. George’s academic program

was hectic and money was tight. Communication was less frequent and

there was not much time for intercourse either. After a year of working as

an administrative clerk, Carla began to talk about resigning so that they

could start a family – but George opposed this since he still had two years

full time study left. One night, George came home from the library and

found a note on the refrigerator; Carla had moved in with her boyfriend

and was expecting his baby. George could no longer concentrate on his

studies and sunk into depression. He felt rejected, betrayed, guilty and a

failure. His career is on the rocks and he knew that his church

denomination will not ordain a divorced person. George wonders if he

may re-marry and if so will he be able to trust a woman again and would

any women want a man whose marriage has failed.

6.1. Identify all of the persons affected in this case study (6x½=3).

6.1.1. George. ½

6.1.2. Carla. ½

6.1.3. Carla’s boyfriend. ½

6.1.4. Carla’s baby. ½

6.1.5. You – the student – you are feeling something as this case study

is read. ½

6.1.6. George’s future girlfriend/wife. ½

6.2. Identify (4x½) the dimensions of forgiveness and guide George (4x1)

through them (total = 6).

6.2.1. Identify the person that needs to be forgiven. ½ + for

guidance if relevant

6.2.2. Identify what that person did. ½+ for guidance if relevant

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6.2.3. Identify losses arising. ½+ for guidance if relevant

6.2.4. Forgive self & deal with self perception. ½ + for guidance if

relevant

6.3. Using reasonable emotional management steps (8x½) and your

discretion, help George deal (8x2=16) with his emotions (total=20).

6.3.1. Honest soul searching. ½+ for application of the step + for

relevance

6.3.2. Evaluation of feelings. ½+ for application of the step+ for

relevance

6.3.3. Experience of relationship. ½+ for application of the step+

for relevance

6.3.4. Decision of will. ½+ for application of the step+ for

relevance

6.3.5. Deed of will. ½+ for application of the step+ for relevance

6.3.6. Surrender and forgiveness. ½+ for application of the step+

for relevance

6.3.7. Evaluate personal growth. ½+ for application of the step+

for relevance

6.3.8. Victory over disruptive emotions. ½ + for application of the

step+ for relevance

7. What is the basic empathy formula? (2x1=2)

You feel . . . [here name the correct emotion expressed by the client] . . .

because (or when) . . . [here indicate the correct experiences and behaviors

that give rise to the feelings]. . . .

8. Empathy is a perception-checking tool. If the counselor’s response is accurate,

the client often tends to confirm its accuracy in two ways. Name (2x½) and

give and example of each (2x1) them (total = 3):

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8.1. The first is some kind of verbal or nonverbal indication ½that the

counselor is right. That is, the client nods or gives some other nonverbal

cue or uses some assenting word or phrase such as "that's right" or

"exactly." ½

8.2. The second and more substantive way in which clients acknowledge the

accuracy of the counselor’s response is by moving forward½ in the

helping process, for instance, by clarifying the problem situation or

preferred-scenario possibilities more fully. ½

9. Almost every day we have to do with people who offend or hurt us and in due

course we learn to forgive immediately. In so doing (5x1=5):

9.1. We retain the peace of God,

9.2. We protect ourselves from emotional pain and

9.3. Bitterness and

9.4. Our attitude towards others begins to change.

9.5. We find that we do not have problems concerning relationships,

especially if we allow the love and peace of God to rule in our lives.

10. Write a mini essay (3 pages) on your understanding of the uniqueness of

Christian Counseling, with specific reference to the Christian Theism’s answer

to Psychology’s inadequacies. (16). The 5 differences (Cosgrove, p 134) must

be present: 10 x ½ = 5. The student must be able to identify why Christian

counseling is different to secular counseling: 4 x 1 = 4. The student must be

able to introduce Christian-based empathy (in general) into the discussion: 2 x

1 = 2. The remaining 5 marks are at the markers discretion.

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INTRODUCTION - mintsespanol.commintsespanol.com/...to_Pastoral_Care_Pt_1_-_Mobey.docx · Web viewThe self, tempted to be god without God, became enslaved by Satan (Genesis 1:26-27