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Improving Your WritingImproving Your WritingStyle: Conciseness,Style: Conciseness,

Cohesion, and CoherenceCohesion, and Coherence

Designedby

Duke University’sWriting Studio

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AnnouncementAnnouncement

This Power Point slide presentation is notdesigned to take the place of a groupworkshop, where you are given handoutsand have an opportunity to work with yourown writing. It does, however, provide anoverview of the topic for those who haven’ttaken the workshop and a useful refresherfor those who have.

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“Have something to say, and say it as clearly asyou can. That is the only secret of style.”

_ Matthew Arnold

“And how is clarity to be achieved? Mainly bytaking trouble; and by writing to serve peoplerather than to impress them.”

_ F. L. Lucas

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Three Principles of anThree Principles of anEffective StyleEffective Style

1. Conciseness

2. Cohesion

3. Coherence

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Conciseness Conciseness

“I believe more in the scissors than I do the pencil.”

_ Truman Capote

“Some of my dearest and most beloved bits ofwriting have gone with a very quick slash, slash,slash….Because something was heavy there.Cutting leads to economy, precision, and to avastly improved script.”

_ Paddy Chayefsky

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Conciseness Conciseness

l Cut repetition and redundancy.– Delete meaningless words.

– Delete words that repeat the meaning of other words.

– Delete words implied by other words.

– Replace a phrase with a word.

– Change negatives to affirmatives.

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Conciseness Conciseness

Cut repetition and redundancy.

l Original: TV “reality” shows, because they havean appeal to our fascination with real life conflictbecause of our voyeuristic impulses, are about themost popular shows that are regularly scheduled toappear on TV.

l Revision: “Reality” shows are the most popularshows on TV because they appeal to ourvoyeuristic tendencies.

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Conciseness Conciseness

Cut repetition and redundancy.

Original: Productivity actually depends oncertain factors that basically involvepsychology more than any particulartechnology.

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Conciseness Conciseness

Cut repetition and redundancy.

Original: Productivity actually depends oncertain factors that basically involvepsychology more than any particulartechnology.

Revision: Productivity depends on psychologyrather than on technology.

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ConcisenessConciseness Delete unnecessary “which’s” and “that’s.Original: Of the areas of science important to our future, few

are more promising than genetic engineering, which is anew way of manipulating the elemental structural units oflife itself, which are the genes and chromosomes that tellour cells how to reproduce to become the parts thatconstitute our bodies. <underlining added>

Revision: Many areas of science are important to our future,but few are more promising than genetic engineering. Itoffers a new way of manipulating the elemental structuralunits of life itself, the genes and chromosomes that tell ourcells how to reproduce to become the parts constituting ourbodies.

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ConcisenessConciseness• Choose between the active or passive voice,

basing your choice on the situation and ondiscipline-specific conventions.Identify the passive voice by using this formula:any combination of the verb to be and a pastparticiple.

is, arewas, were + …ed,…t,…d,…enam, bebeing, been

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ConcisenessConciseness

lChoose between the active or passive voice,basing your choice on the situation and ondiscipline-specific conventions.

Passive: The play is an allegorization of theconception and development of a newconcept of justice delivered by the characterAngelo and embodied in the character of theDuke.

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ConcisenessConciseness

To change from passive to active voice, askyourself Who’s doing what? or What’sdoing what? Then restructure the sentenceto put the subject in front of the action verb.

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ConcisenessConcisenessl Passive: The play is an allegorization of the

conception and development of a new concept ofjustice delivered by the character Angelo andembodied in the character of the Duke.

l Active: The play allegorizes the new concept ofjustice that Angelo delivers and the Dukeembodies.

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CohesionCohesion

lCohesion refers to the sense of sentence-by-sentence flow by which we move easilythrough a passage.

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Should we use the passive?Should we use the passive?

lThe collapse of a dead star into a pointperhaps no larger than a marble creates ablack hole.

lA black hole is created by the collapse of adead star into a point perhaps no larger thana marble.

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Which passage is cohesive?Which passage is cohesive?

l Some astonishing questions about the nature of theuniverse have been raised by scientists studying blackholes in space. The collapse of a dead star into a pointperhaps no longer than a marble creates a black hole. Somuch matter compressed into so little volume changes thefabric of space around it in puzzling ways.

l Some astonishing questions about the nature of theuniverse have been raised by scientists studying blackholes in space. A black hole is created by the collapse of adead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble. Somuch matter compressed into so little volume changes thefabric of space around it in puzzling ways.

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WhatWhat’’s the difference?s the difference?

lThe sentence with the passive voice causesthe paragraph to flow better.

l It connects easily to the sentence thatprecedes it and the sentence that follows.

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The First Principle ofThe First Principle ofCohesion: Old FirstCohesion: Old First

lBegin your sentences with informationfamiliar to your readers.

– This can be information you’ve recentlyintroduced within the text.

– This can be brought to the text with the generalknowledge of the audience.

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The Second Principle ofThe Second Principle ofCohesion: New LastCohesion: New Last

lEnd your sentences with informationyour readers cannot anticipate.

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The Principle of Cohesion asThe Principle of Cohesion asa Law of Cognitiona Law of Cognition

lThe principle of old-before-new is built intoour perception of time and story.

lThe principle forms the conceptual basis ofthe introduction or background sections ofan essay.

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What Cohesion Means forWhat Cohesion Means forYour Sentence BeginningsYour Sentence Beginnings

lDon’t begin a sentence with a bit of newinformation.

lDon’t begin a sentence with a bit oftechnical information.

lUse your openings to refer back to previousmaterial or gently introduce a new topic.

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What Cohesion Means forWhat Cohesion Means forYour Sentence EndingsYour Sentence Endings

lDon’t end a sentence with old information.

lPut the new, technical, and difficultinformation at the end of the sentence.

lClearly signal when the end of a sentencebegins.

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““But then my pointBut then my pointwill be lost!will be lost!””

lEnding sentences with new and importantinformation is counter-intuitive.

lWe want to put the new information first, to“highlight” it.

lBut if readers don’t understand itsimportance, placing it first will not help.

lBesides, we remember what’s last anyway.

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What Readers RememberWhat Readers Rememberfrom Sentencesfrom Sentences

lFirst: the sentence ending

lSecond: the sentence beginning

lLast: the sentence middle

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Topic and StressTopic and Stress

lThe beginning of your sentence is its topic:it’s what the sentence is about.

lThe end of the sentence is its stress:it’s what the sentence delivers.

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Topic and StressTopic and Stressin a Sentencein a Sentence

New, complex,unfamiliarinformation linkingforward

Old, familiar,simple informationlinking back toprevious sentences

Stress (the“ending”)

Topic (the“beginning”)

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Practice ExercisePractice Exercise

l For practice, look at the first three sentencesof a paragraph you’ve written. Check to seeif your sentences start with old informationand end with new.

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CoherenceCoherence

lCoherence refers to the overall sense ofunity in a passage.

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CoherenceCoherence As a reminder, please promptly return the lecture

notes you borrowed. Slide the notes under mydoor if I am not there. I may become agitated ifyou are late, much like my uncle Chester afterseveral egg nogs on Christmas Eve. MostChristmases I liked to stay up and open mystockings after midnight. Staying up late wasexciting and would be repeated a week later atNew Year’s. So would Uncle Chester’sdisgraceful behavior.

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Cohesion Vs. Coherence Cohesion Vs. Coherence

l The previousexample is cohesive.– Each sentence connects

with the next and theprevious.

– Sentences begin withfamiliar information.

– Sentences end withnew information.

l But the previousexample isincoherent.– The paragraph has no

sense of focus.

– Each sentence shiftstopic from theprevious.

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How Coherence is DestroyedHow Coherence is Destroyed

l [you]return the lecture notes. . .

l [you]slide the notes under my door. . .

l I may become . . .

lMost Christmases I liked . . .

lStaying up late was exciting . . .

lUncle Chester . . .

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Coherence is EstablishedCoherence is Establishedin Two Waysin Two Ways

lReaders identify the topics of individualsentences clearly.

lTopics of sentences come in a connected set(usually a paragraph).

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“Sometimes I will stay up in my room for aday trying to get two sentences that willflow, that will seem as if they were alwaysthere.”

_ Maya Angelou

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Summary of Key PointsSummary of Key Points

1. Conciseness: Cut repetition.

2. Cohesion: Connect sentences by movingfrom old to new.

3. Coherence: Create thematic continuity inpassages.

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The EndThe End

“Nobody should suppose that good writing –the kind that says what it means while beingpleasant to read – has ever been easy.”

_ Jacques Barzun

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ResourcesResources

l Schedule regular Writing Studio appointments.

l Check “Resources for Writers” athttp://uwp.aas.duke.edu/wstudio for helpful linkson style.

l Check the Writing Studio Library for useful bookson style.

l Find information on the 20 most common errors:http://www.bedfordstmartins.com/lunsford/twenty.html

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BooksBooks

lRevising Prose by Richard Lanham

lStyle: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Graceby Joseph M. Williams

lStyle: The Basics of Clarity and Graceby Joseph M. Williams

lThe Elements of Style by William Strunkand E.B. White

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Interested In A More In-DepthInterested In A More In-DepthExperience?Experience?

To sign up for a workshop, go to “ScheduleAn Appointment” and “Workshop/GroupSign Up” on the Writing Studio’s website:

http://uwp.aas.duke.edu/wstudio/