Fortnight Publications Ltd.

I'm Going to Die and I Can Live with ThatAuthor(s): Sean KearneySource: Fortnight, No. 418 (Oct., 2003), pp. 18-19Published by: Fortnight Publications Ltd.Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/25560979 .

Accessed: 28/06/2014 08:21

Your use of the JSTOR archive indicates your acceptance of the Terms & Conditions of Use, available at .http://www.jstor.org/page/info/about/policies/terms.jsp

.JSTOR is a not-for-profit service that helps scholars, researchers, and students discover, use, and build upon a wide range ofcontent in a trusted digital archive. We use information technology and tools to increase productivity and facilitate new formsof scholarship. For more information about JSTOR, please contact support@jstor.org.

.

Fortnight Publications Ltd. is collaborating with JSTOR to digitize, preserve and extend access to Fortnight.

http://www.jstor.org

This content downloaded from 193.105.245.14 on Sat, 28 Jun 2014 08:21:24 AMAll use subject to JSTOR Terms and Conditions

Fortnight OCTOBER 2003

Sean Kearney

I I' GIGTDE

One sunny day in the month ofJuly, my life

W_> changed forever. What seemed like a bad cold, accompanied by headaches and back pain drove me to my GP who sent me for an X ray. Within days I was informed that I had a lung tumour. In vain I protested my health and fitness in the belief that there had been some mistake. The consultant shook his head, however, and asked me to come back in two days time.

I returned on Thursday of the same week to be greeted with more encouraging news. An operation was possible which could give me five years of life! Relief surged through me, and my spirits soared - until we discussed the other symptoms. Severe and prolonged headaches had been wracking me for weeks, along with an inability to complete sentences, and articulating thoughts in mid-conversation,

which had began to embarrass me publicly. I also experienced a form of amnesia, so I

was sent for a brain scan without delay. Next morning early, I was asked to come

back to the hospital to be informed candidly that I had a second tumour in the brain! An operation was now impossible. There is no cure, I was told. A double whammy, I thought, in an attempt at inner levity. We went to a private room where these things are discussed over coffee, in an atmosphere charged with emotion. My partner was inconsolable and I was devastated, but the need for more information was urgent.

'How long have I got,' I inquired apprehensively. The consultant's expression was inscrutable. 'Put your affairs in order,' he said 'And take things from day to day.' It was as hard for him as it was for us. He then murmured something about the August bank holiday, and we left convinced that time had run out. At this stage however, I was in control again, reminding myself that life offers no guarantees, and that death is a serious part of it.

PERIOD There followed a strange, surreal period making funeral arrangements, writing a will, informing friends and relations, and many other duties. I was now on heavy medication which abolished pain, but my speech was still impaired, physical activity

was limited, and all the time I was coughing up blood. At the end of the week I was back with another consultant in a different hospital, however, expecting my sentence to be confirmed, but to my astonishment, this man was more optimistic and up-beat.

There is much we can do he began, then commenced to educate me about my condition. I left this doctor in the knowledge that there was no cure, but that a quality of life could be maintained, with his skill and my co-operation, for a limited

period. Good news of course, but it was the third analysis of my situation and contrary to what I had learned from early diagnosis.

Everything now was a blur. I had alarmed my friends, disturbed my relatives, even given my car to my son, and now I heard that I might survive a little longer! To be fair, these apparent contradictions originated from different specialists - chest doctors, surgeons, and finally, cancer care experts, all expert and efficient in their own fields. No one was to blame.

THEORY The immediate priority now was to develop a rational approach to this new world,

which shouldn't be difficult, I told myself, if my long held theories about life and death were sound. Yet there is a dramatic difference between theory and practice, and the real test was staring me in the face for the first time.

Oh yes, I had observed the playwright Denis Potter smiling at death on T.V. and admired the actor John Thaw who worked until days before his death. A personal friend and fellow writer, Dennis Denneghy, had also impressed me with his fortitude in similar circumstances but what about me, I asked myself? Can I cope with reality, can I really accept that: 'Life is terminal and inevitably ends for Us all, sooner or later.' I felt that I could, as I have confidence in the secular tradition based on the wisdom of the philosophers.

I've had my time and I can't cry 'unfair' because I am luckier than many others, I told myself and my friends. Having lived the normal life span I can look back with satisfaction on a life of endeavour, with success and failure equally balanced in

many worthy projects, and vigorous campaigns. If a man is aware that his time was not wasted, that he made a contribution to humanity, despite life's difficulties and

misunderstandings, why should he fear death? When all is said and done, what is death but a deep sleep, which to the man who is content with modest achievements, should be welcomed as a reward at the end of life's struggle?

There is also a positive side to this new phase of life. It concentrates my mind on things that I took too much for granted, and it raises awareness because of its slower pace, which stimulates greater understanding, at the same time. Many of us never fully express our appreciation of true friends, for example, in our preoccupation with life, yet they are the light of our lives. Good company and conversation with real friends is a

wonderfuil experience, without which no one can be truly happy.

WISDOM My death won't launch me into any

I PAGE 18 |

This content downloaded from 193.105.245.14 on Sat, 28 Jun 2014 08:21:24 AMAll use subject to JSTOR Terms and Conditions

life.

AND I CA LIVE WTH THA^T 'journey' to confront demons or wrathful

gods who might fling me into hell fire or a limbo of tortured souls consumed with hatred and fear. On the contrary I consider it the end of ajourney. Many who choose to believe in some mythical paradise or demonic hell, must experience great apprehension and terror, based on the fear of God's wrath. For my part, I know that nothing shall disturb my sleep, and that when my body disintegrates there will be no soul left, to be goaded and tortured in some after life, in the way that non believers were burned in medieval times.

Bertrand Russell wrote of death as follows: 'An individual human existence should be like a river - small at first, narrowly contained within its banks, rushing passionately past boulders and over

waterfalls. Gradually the river grows wider, the banks recede, the waters flow more quietly and in the end, without any visible break, they become merged in the sea and painlessly lose their individual being. The man or woman who, in old age, can see his or her life in this way, will not suffer from the fear of death, since the things they care for will continue.'

There is great wisdom in Russell's description of life and death, as it demonstrates that there is really no end to life, in the real sense. Individual life must be lived in the knowledge that time is precious and shouldn't be squandered, and the final days are as important as any other phase. Indeed each new day is a mini lifetime to be used thoughtfully and wisely.

Time, and its quality, are the richest asset of all, and in my case this is enhanced by the support and devotion of caring, self sacrificing friends and relatives. With their help, my life is an easy ride at present, and hopefully I can face death with equanimity.

FEAR Socrates remarked 'To be afraid of death is only another form of thinking that one is wise when one is not.' Fear is irrational, therefore, when the inevitable is unavoidable. Nevertheless, there is a form of fear that few can avoid. Fear for the fate and future of loved ones combines with fear that they also will suffer. Fear for their future is often present, and in my case unavoidable. In a society that prohibits euthanasia, the fear of pain is always present, despite reassurances. The right to choose the time of death should be recognised as a basic human right

Yet fears of this nature are with us throughout our lives and are not peculiar to the approach of death. As long as we live

we anticipate the future. That future also includes death and the philosopher

Heidegger remarked 'The only way you can understand the significance of the entirety of your existence, is by regarding your

death not as some distant but well-defined contingency, but as an indefinite but impending certainty that is possible at any

moment.' Those who cherish the idea of immortality, fear sudden death, of course, because of the need to prepare for that mythical journey.

IMMORTALITY Ireland's greatest philosopher, John Toland, traced the cult of immortality as an idea that began in ancient Egypt then spread to Israel, and eventually throughout the civilised world, in one form or another. It appealed to human vanity and produced the conviction of superiority above all other life forms. It also resulted in deflecting

millions in every generation, from the urgent task of building a better and more tolerant civilization.

Marshalled into organised religions, the cult of immortality produces hatred, war and want, on a massive scale all over the

world. It promotes ignorance and opposes science everywhere. The persecution of

Gailileo is a celebrated example. These thoughts strengthen my conviction that only a truly compassionate, secular world can end injustice. At the same time, tolerance towards all who think differently is the mark of the secular humanist who knows that humanity can only be free

without religion, but can only convince others by example.

Woe betide us if there really is any basis to the Christian belief in immortality. Imagine spending eternity in the company of the likes of Gerry Adams and the Rev Ian Paisley and their followers? Or the humourless journalist Stephen King who says he can't laugh at a Bob Hope joke because of the comedian's alleged link with Catholicism. Can anyone contemplate such an existence - forever - alongside such poker faced, pious people - the Saved, the Sanctified, the ones in a constant State of Grace? The idea of sharing an eternity with them sends a shudder up my spine.

Indeed, the acceptance of death in a rational, reasoned way, is partly inspired by the relief that coping with such

phenomenon as sectarian hatred and religious fundamentalism has come to an end.. At the same time I know that eventually science, promoted by free thinking, independent men and women,

will defeat ignorance, and human nature will rise to new heights. With that thought alone I face death in the quiet confidence that there is hope for the world.

I PAGE 19

This content downloaded from 193.105.245.14 on Sat, 28 Jun 2014 08:21:24 AMAll use subject to JSTOR Terms and Conditions