I'm A Teenager Get Me Out Of This Family (Script)

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Im A Teenager Get Me Out of This Family (1st ed. - 09.02.10) - imateenagerCjpCopyright 2010 Jim Garvey

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To Jonathan RandFor challenging me to do this

6Cast of Characters

MOM

DaD

JUlIe

JOhNNIe

MIlITaNTDaD

CheFKID

BeTh

alIeN

POlITICIaN

aDVISOr

SPOrTSKID

CryINgMOM

DaNCer

DIaNe

rIChKID

BrUCe

BeTTy

CheerleaDer

MOVIeSTar

7Author Notes

Therearealotofpartsinthisplay,whichgivesyoualotoffreedomtobecreative.Itcouldbefunifyouhad2actorsplayJohnnie,Julieandallthepotentialkidsandanother2actorsplayMomandDadand all the potential parents. Itwould certainlywork if you castevery single role.Or another optionwouldbe to cast Julie, John-nie,MomandDadandthenhaveacoupleofversatileactorsplayall thepotentials. Its entirelyup to you.youwere smart enoughtopurchasetherightstoputonthisplayIhavenodoubtyouaresmartenoughtofigureoutthebestwaytoputiton.Ihaveabsolutefaithinyourabilitiesyoutalentedpersonyou.gowild.IfyouwanttochangegendersandturnMilitantDadintoMilitantMom,bemyguest,orCryingMomintoCryingDad,byallmeans.youwanttoblackoutbetweenscenes?Doit.youwanttonotblackoutbetweenscenes?Thatscooltoo.havefun,becreative,butmostofallbeen-tertaining!Cheerstoyou!

Jimgarvey

9Im a Teenager geT me OuT Of ThIs famIly

by Jim Garvey

Scene 1

(MOM paces across the stage as DaD relaxes and JOhNNIe sleeps. After a few moments JUlIe tiptoes in.)

MOM.Dontyoumoveamuscle!

JULIE.Dontwhomoveamuscle?

MOM.Doyouknowwhattimeitis?

JULIE.Timetogotosleep.goodnight.

MOM.Kevin,dontyouhavesomethingtosaytoyourdaughter?

DAD.Sleeptight?

MOM.abouthercurfew!

DAD.Ohright, (Not getting it:)hows itworkingout foryou?Feelappropriate?

MOM. (Menacing stare at DaD:) Julie Foley it is three and a halfminutespastyourcurfew!

JOHNNIE. (Waking up with a yawn:)wwhatsalltheyellingabout?

MOM.DontyoubuttintothisJohnnieFoleyorIllgiveyousome-thingtoyellabout.

JOHNNIE.what?

MOM.youregrounded.

JOHNNIE.Me?

MOM.yesyou. (Turning to JUlIe:)andforyou

JULIE.Iwasonlythreeandahalfminuteslate.

MOM.Doyouknowhowlongittakesforsomethingbadtohappen?

JULIE.Imguessingyoureabouttosaythreeandahalfminutes?

MOM. One second. One second after curfew and youre askingfortroublefromtheloonieswiththehairandtheclothesandthefingernails.

JULIE.Thehair,theclothes,andthefingernails?

MOM.Thatsright.

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JULIE.Dotheyalsohaveheads,shoulders,kneesandtoes?

MOM.youregroundedJulie.groundedforamonth!

JULIE. (Irritated groan.) This family is so ordinary! youre all soordinary.youandDadaresoordinary!

MOM.howdareyou!

JULIE.IwishIwishIhadinterestingparents,whodointerestingthings!IwishIcouldhavenewparents!

MOM.Thenmaybeyoushouldplaceanadinthenewspaper.

JULIE.MaybeIwill.

MOM.Fine.

JULIE.Fine.

MOM.Fine.

JULIE.Fine.

MOM andJULIE.FINe!!!

JULIE.Johnnie,letsgo.

MOM.Kevin,letsgo.

JOHNNIE andDAD.what?Me?No.why?

(Scene.)

Scene 2

(JOhNNIe and JUlIe sit at a table a la judges on a competition show.)

JOHNNIE.Thisisstupid.

JULIE.Doyouwanttobegroundedordontyou?

JOHNNIE.No,but

JULIE.SolidarityJohnnie.Solidarity.herecomesthefirstprospective.

MILITANT DAD.a-ten-hut.SecondClassCorporalJohngulliganreportingforduty.

JULIE.Comeagain?

MILITANT DAD.SecondClassCorporalJohngulliganreportingforduty.

JULIE.Duty?Thisisjustaninterview.

Im a Teenager Get Me Out of This Family 11

(MIlITaNTDaD says nothing, just stares ahead in silence.)

JOHNNIE.areyougoingtositdown?

MILITANT DAD.waitingforpermission,sir!

JULIE.Byallmeans,pleasesitdown.

MILITANT DAD.Thatisnottheproperphrasing.

JULIE.Permissiongranted,sir?

(Nothing. He keeps standing.)

JOHNNIE.atyourleisuresolider?

JULIE.Sitboy,sit.

JOHNNIE.hesnotadog.

JULIE.Sientente.

JOHNNIE.Spanishreally?howaboutatease?

MILITANT DAD. (Salutes and sits.)

JOHNNIE.gome!

JULIE.Okthatwasalittleodd,butneverthelessawaywegosoweregoingtoaskyouacoupleofquestions.

MILITANT DAD.Fireatwill.

JOHNNIE.whichoneswill?heh,heh,aww.

(MIlITaNTDaD doesnt flinch.)

JOHNNIE. (Writing in notepad:) Note to self, does not appreciatetypicaldadhumor.Strikeone.

JULIE.QuestionOne. Im going to themall, do youagivemeyourkeysandgivemeyourcreditcard.OrBgivemethekeystothenewcaryoujustboughtmeandgivememyownlimitlesscreditcard?

MILITANT DAD.Cwedonotdriveanywhere.wewillmarchinsinglefile.left,right,left,right.wouldyouliketopractice?

JOHNNIE.Imgoodthanks.

JULIE.Ok,soyoureintofitnessIappreciatethat.Thatsimportant.Sinceyoudidntrespondtothecreditcardpart (Jotting in notepad:)I will just assume that was my own limitless credit card. NextquestionItsaschoolnightwhattimeshouldIbehome?

MILITANT DAD.16hundredhours.

JULIE.NoImsorry.Isaidwhattime.

12 Jimgarvey

MILITANT DAD.16hundredhours.

JOHNNIE.Thatsfourpm.

MILITANT DAD.Thatsright.Just intimeforcalisthenicsbeforedinnerat18hundredhoursandlightsoutat19hundredhours.

JULIE. (Counting on her fingers, then in shock:)7PM!

MILITANT DAD.youllneedyour10hoursofsleep.

JULIE. (Counting on her fingers, then in shock:)5aM!?NeXT!

(Scene.)

Scene 3

(MOM and DaD sit on the couch in the living room.)

DAD.Thisseemsallkindsofwrong.

MOM.wereteachingthemalesson.

DAD.andwhatlessonisthatexactly?

MOM.Idontknow.Butweareparents.Thepointistoteachthemalesson,notnecessarilyaspecificlessonperse.

(A knock.)

MOM.Oh,heresthefirstcandidate.BeniceKevin.Comein!

(CheFKID enters in full chef garb.)

DAD.Ohno.hethinkshesthePillsburydoughboy!

CHEF KID.Madame,Mounsier.Vat a pleasure it is forme to bemeetingyou.

MOM.IsthataFrenchaccentIdetect?

CHEF KID.OuiMadame.Icomefromthecountryoflovetostudytheamericanartofcooking.

MOM.achildwithatalentKevin!whatanicechangeofpace.

CHEF KID.Ibakedthesecookiesforyouthismorning.Tryzem.

DAD.wowthesearereallygood.

MOM.Itslikeafoodpartyinmymouth.

CHEF KID.Ohzouaretookind.

MOM.Idoabitofbakingaswell.haveacupcake.


(The CheF KID takes a bite and then spits the cupcake out everywhere.)

CHEF KID. (No longer having a French accent:)whatisthat?areyoutryingtotortureme?

MOM.Thatsnotnice!

DAD.hey.wheredyouraccentgo?

CHEF KID. (Throwing French accent back on:)whoops,ImeanstheyarenothorribleMadame.

MOM.Nothorrible?Isthatsupposedtobeacompliment?

DAD.andwhydoesthatFrenchaccentkeepcomingandgoing?

CHEF KID.Mediocre?Isthatbetter?

MOM.No.

DAD.whatabouttheFrenchaccent?

CHEF KID. (Dropping the accent:)youcaughtme.Itsallalie.IdonthaveaFrenchaccent.ImnotreallyfromFrance.Imfrom[Real town nearby, preferably your schools biggest rival].

MOM.whywouldyoulie?

DAD.Becausehesfrom[Real town nearby].haveyouevermetany-onefrom[Real town nearby].Oddgroupofpeople.Canyoublamehim?

CHEF KID.Iwasbornin[Real town nearby].grewupapoorfarmchild,raisingpolarbearsandcatfish.Iusedtohavetomilkthefisheverymorninginthecoldunforgivingpre-dawndarkness.ItwastheonlywayPacouldpayforMassurgery.

DAD.Thatsnottrueisit?

CHEF KID.No,noitsnot.Inevermilkedthefish.Iwontlietoyou.Ididntevengrowuponafarm.InrealityIlivedinasmallhousewith12brothersandelevensisters.Myparentsdidntevengivemearealname.Tothisdaytheyonlyrefertomeasnumber18.ThatswhyImheretoday.

MOM.Thatshorrible!

DAD.Thatsnottrueeither,isit?

CHEF KID.youreright.Thatsnottrue.Icannottellalie.Inreality,Imjustapoorcheftryingtosellhiscookiestonicefolksandfindafamilythatloveshim.growingupinthecircusitsonlynaturaltowantasmallnuclearfamilytocallyourown.IfIeverhavetowalk

14 Jimgarvey

onanotherhorse,orswallowanotherbatchoffire,climboutofan-otherclowncaritwillbetoosoon.

DAD.yourelyingagain.

CHEF KID. alas, so is my curse. ever since that witch in thePhilippinescursedmeforsleepinginherwillowbed

DAD.Stop.

MOM.youdidntevenmakethosecookies!Didyou?

CHEF KID.IthinkImjustgoingtogonow.

DAD.Thatsprobablyagoodidea.

(Scene.)

Scene 4

JULIE.Thankyouforcoming.

BETH.Thankyouforhavingme.

JULIE.Ourpleasure.youreverywelldressed.Isthatgucci?

BETH.Myappearanceisveryimportanttome.

JULIE.gladtohearthat.Tomeaswell

BETH. (Cutting her off:)youvegota little,a little somethingrighthere,yeahonyourcheek.

JULIE. (Rubbing at her cheek:)Isitlikefoodor?

BETH.Oh. (Realizing:)Dontbother.Itwontcomeoff.Itsjustyourface.Mybadasyoukidssay.

JULIE. lets just get into the questions, shall we? First question.whenitcomestopunishmentyou

BETH. (Cutting her off:)yourhair.

JULIE.Ohthanks!youlikeit?

BETH.hasitalwaysbeenthatlength?

JULIE.well,Imean

BETH.Imbeingrude.

JULIE.alittle.

BETH.Illgetmoretothepoint.wouldyoubeopentomaybe,justalittle,slight,inconsequentialdoingitcompletelydifferently?


JULIE.Idontknow.Ikindof

BETH.wellIguessitispointlessunlesswegetyouafaceliftisntit?

JULIE.afacelift?Imonly[Real age].

BETH.andhowdoyou look inabathingsuit?wouldyoumindputtingoneonandcomingbackout?

JULIE.yesIwouldmind.Ivehadjustaboutenough

BETH.howabouttalents?youdontlooktalented,butImhopingthereissomethinghidden?Sing?Dance?Baton?Ihearbatonistheittalentthisseason.

JULIE.whatareyougettingat?

BETH.Ifwearegoingtosweepthepageantcircuitwearegoingtohavetogetcracking.Imeanletsbehonest,yourenotgettinganyyounger.

JULIE.Imgoingtohavetoaskyoutoleave.

BETH. Saying such thingswill notwin you any pointswith thejudges.

(JOhNNIe has been laughing the entire time.)

JOHNNIE.Thisisthemostamazingthingever.Ivebeensayingforyearsshesnotpretty.MyoldMomusedtogetmadatme.youregonnabegreat!

BETH.you,ontheotherhand,willmakeabeautifulgirl.youhavetheperfectbonestructuretowinpageants.

JOHNNIE.NeXT!

(Scene.)

Scene 5

MOM.Soallen,whatbringsyououtlookingfornewparents?

ALIEN. I am from theplanetwahollala. Ineedhuman family tolivewithsoIcanstudyyourpeople,learnyoureducation,siphonallyournaturalresourcesbacktowahollala,thenejectyourplanetfromthisuniverse.

(MOM and DaD sit in silence. Then finally)

DAD.atleastyourehonest.

16 Jimgarvey

MOM.honestysthebestpolicyIalwayssay.

DAD.Itsthetruth.Thelastkidwehadinherewasatotalliar.

(Scene.)

Scene 6

JULIE.andwhydoyouwanttobeourmother?

POLITICIAN.Idont.

JULIE.youdont?

POLITICIAN.Notatall.

JOHNNIE.Thenwhyareyouhere?

POLITICIAN.Imupforre-election.

ADVISOR.Familyequalsatwelve-pointbumpinthepoll.

JOHNNIE.andyourecurrently

ADVISOR.8pointsback.

POLITICIAN. yes or noyou would or would not be open topretendingyouactuallycamefrommybody.

JOHNNIE.wouldntpeoplecatchon?

POLITICIAN.wetelleveryonethatyouvanishedfromthehospitalasbabies,wereraisedbygorillaswithoutknowingIexisteduntilIfoundyouandsavedyou.

ADVISOR.loveit.

JOHNNIE.IthinkthatsthemovieTarzan.

POLITICIAN.OK.howaboutthisyouwereindeepdarksleepsinacastleandIrescuedyouwithmymotherlykiss.

ADVISOR.Believable.

JOHNNIE.KindofSleepingBeautymeetsthegraduatebutnotinagoodway.

POLITICIAN.Oras babies you crawled into Santas sack andwereraisedattheNorthPolebelievingyouwereelves.

ADVISOR.Ibuyit.

JOHNNIE.elf.ThewillFerrellmovie.

POLITICIAN.ThisisprovingtougherthanIthought.


(POlITICIaN thinks for a beat or two before jumping with excitement.)

POLITICIAN. Ive got it!My competitor convinced you that youwereresponsibleformydeath,soyouranaway,wereraisedbyawarthogandameerkatandnowIvefoundyou.

ADVISOR.Thatcantbeamovie.

POLITICIAN.Ithinkwevefigureditout!

ADVISOR.high-fives.

JOHNNIE.lionKing.

(The next two lines should be read at the same time:)

POLITICIAN.awww.Shucks.Thoughtwehadthatone.

ADVISOR.Dangit.Shoot.

JULIE. Itsbeenawhilesince thatmoviecameout.Maybenoonewillremember?

(Scene.)

Scene 7

(MOM and DaD sit jaws dropped listening to SPOrTSKID talk a mile a minute.)

SPORTS KID.Iwakeupat4andthenyou (Referencing DaD:)andIgoforan8-milejog,thenIhavehockeypracticeat5am,rowingat6:30,breakfastat8lotsofprotein,nocarbs,eggwhitesaregood,andgreensifitworkedforPopeyeitworksforme.9isdecathlonpractice, 10 oclock private lessonswithmy personal quarterbackcoach,11ampracticewithmypersonalbasketballcoach,12quicklunchpreferablyliquid,12:30boxing,1:30wehitthebattingcageslotsof energydrinks andenergybars, 3 oclockb-ballpractice, 5oclockfigureskating,6oclockspeedskating,7oclockhighcarblow protein dinner, 7:30 luge practice, 8:30 bobsled practice, 9:30bocce,10oclocklightsout.

(MOM and DaD stare at SPOrTSKID in silence for a long beat before MOM finally speaks:)

MOM.whataboutschool?

SPORTS KID. home school. you read the books to me while Ipractice.

MOM.Oh.

18 Jimgarvey

SPORTS KID.alright,nowTuesday.wakeupat 4 am, thenyou (Referencing DaD:)andIgofora12-milejog

(Scene.)

Scene 8

(The woman sitting across from JOhNNIe and JUlIe is bawling her eyes out and she does so throughout the entire scene.)

JULIE.whyareyoucrying?

CRYING MOM.B-b-becauseIjustloveyoutwosomuch.

JOHNNIE.Soyoucrybecauseyourehappy?

CRYING MOM.Buttothink,youregrowingup.youregoingt-t-t-toleavemesoon.

JULIE.andwhenyouresad?

CRYING MOM.andifIcatcheitherofyoustealingalcoholfromthecupboard,ImgonnaImgonna

JOHNNIE.andwhenyouremad?

CRYING MOM.Butthatisntimportant.whatisimportantisthatweregoingtobeafamilysoon.arealhonesttogoodnessfamily.

JULIE.andwhenyoureunrealisticallyoptimistic.Next!

(Scene.)

Scene 9

RICH KID.Mom,Dad,pleasuretomeetyou.Imrich.

MOM.Nicetomeetyourich.

RICH KID.No,mynamesBrian.IwasonlynotingthatIamrich,asinindependentlywealthy.

DAD.IlikewhatImhearing.

RICH KID.andIlikewhatImseeingKevin.IsitOKthatIcallyouKevin?

DAD.IfthisallworksoutIthinkwedprobablygowithDad.

RICH KID.NowKevin,tellmehowarethingsatwork?economysbeentough.youbeenfeelingit?havingtroublekeepingyourheadabove water? Does it feel some days like you might be sinkingbeneathitall?


MOM.NowBrian,weappreciatethatyoumighthavesomemoneyandbewelloffandall,butasparentswetakegreatjoyinprovidingforourchildren.wewouldneveraskyoutocontribute.

RICH KID.wouldntdreamofitShirley.IsitOKifIcallyouShirley?

MOM.wellifthisallworksoutIthinkwedprobablygowithMom.

RICH KID.SurethingShirley,Iwouldneverwanttostepinasthemajorbreadwinnerinyourfamily.youhavesuchlittleself-respectandself-importanceleft,Iwouldntdreamoftakingthatawayfromyou.

MOM.Thankyou.

DAD.waitwhat?

RICH KID.ButIdohaveaninvestmentopportunityforyouboth,sothatyoucanprovideandlivethelifeyougaveuponsomanyyearsago.

DAD.werenotinterestedinanygetrichquickschemes,Brian.

RICH KID.really? (Looks around.) Is that aplastic coveronyourcouch?wasthatVolvoIsawinthedrivewayfromthe90s?howsthegetrichlong-termschemeworkingoutforyou,Kevin?

MOM.Nowyouwaitjustonesecond.

DAD. (A 180-degree turn:)wheredoIsign?

MOM.Kevin!youhaventevenheardtheinvestmentyet.

DAD.OK,right,letshearit.

RICH KID.Ivegotthisfriend,hegotmeandtwoofhisfriendstoinvestinthisproject,nowwereeachgettingthreeofourfriends,thenyoulleachgetthreeofyourfriends

DAD.Brian,thatsapyramidscheme.

RICH KID.Idontthinkso.

DAD. (Pulls out a poster board and draws on it.)Oneguygotyouandtwoofyourfriends,andthenyoueacharegettingthreefriends,andtheyreeachgettingthreefriends.whatsthatlookliketoyou?

RICH KID.Clouds?

DAD.Itsapyramid!

RICH KID.OK,OK,youdontlikethatone.Idigitbaby.Idigit.howaboutthis?youandIopenaquoteunquoteinvestmentfirm.wegetpeople to invest, send them fakemonthlybalance reports.If anyonewants outwe just pay them outwith the new peoplesinvestments?huh?huh?Canyadigit?howsthattasteonyourlips?

20 Jimgarvey

MOM.ThatsaPonzischemeBrian.

RICH KID. alright, fine Securities and exchange Commission.Ididntknowyouweregoingtobesuchsticklers. Ihaveone lastopportunity.IrecentlygotanemailfromthisguyinNigeria.hesofferingtosendus10millioncash.he justneedsafewthousandandanamericanscreditcardandsocialsecuritynumbertoaccessthemoney.Iknowwhatyourethinkingbutitstotallylegit.hesaprince!

DAD.goodbyeBrian.

RICH KID.Itsallgood.Igetit.Nohardfeelings.Oh,butcouldIbychanceborrowoneofyourcreditcards?Igottapayforparking.Ileftmywalletinmyotherpants.

(Momentary silence like MOM and DaD are about to tell him off, then at the same time)

DAD.Sure.hereyago.IsVisaOK?OrdotheyonlytakeaMeX?

MOM. Takemine. Justmail it backwhen youre done,OK?andkeepthereceipt!

(Scene.)

Scene 10

BRUCE.ladiesandgentleman,childrenofallages,putyourhandstogetherforyournewwwwwparrrrrrrrrreeeeeents.Standing5-11,lookingfantasticinhistracksuitBrrrrrruce.

Barelyaninchover5feet,youknowherasthewomanlookingsogoodinhertracksuititoughttobeacrime

BETTY.Betty.

BRUCE.B-to-the-etttttttttay.

JULIE.Iliketheenthusiasm.Bravo.haveaseat.

BRUCE.Notonthistracksuit,notonmywatch.

JULIE. (Slightly confused:) Ok then, couple questions. Firstwhatmakesyouthinkyoudbegoodparentsforus?

BRUCE.Twowords,twosyllablesTrack.Suits.

JULIE.huh?

JOHNNIE.Thatsoneword.

BRUCE.really?


JOHNNIE.Definitely.

BRUCE. you sure? Sounds like two though, right? Track. Suits.Track.Suits.

JOHNNIE.Definitelyone.

BETTY.OK,whatever, here, so listen right, ok so like this is thethingright,youcouldchooseotherparents,sure,whatever,ok,butheresthethingwegottracksuits.

(JOhNNIe and JUlIe look at each other simultaneously con-fused for a moment and then turn in unison with their confused looks focused on BrUCe and BeTTy.)

BRUCE.youwannagoforawalkinthepark?

BETTY.Tracksuits.

BRUCE.Swimatthepool?

BETTY.Tracksuits.

BRUCE.Praisethelord?

BETTY.Tracksuits.

BRUCE.holiday.Family.Photo.Me.her.you.you.

BETTY.SantaTracksuits.

JOHNNIE.whatsthefascinationwithtracksuits?

BRUCE. (Duh:)Theyretracksuits.

JULIE.letmeputitanotherway.Isthereanythingyoulikeotherthantracksuits?

(Long silence as BrUCe and BeTTy look at each other deep in thought.)

BRUCE.Velourtracksuits.

(Scene.)

Scene 11

DANCER.Thankyouforhavingme,Mr.andMrs.Foley.

MOM.Ourpleasure.youresuchadelightfulyounglady.

DANCER.Thatskindofyoutosay.likeIsaid,Iwakeuponmyown,domyhomeworkrightafterschool, Idomychoreswithoutbeingasked,Idontthinkagalshoulddateuntilshesincollege,Im

22 Jimgarvey

averyhealthyeater,verypolite,butwell, there isonethingyoushouldprobablyknow.

MOM.andwhatsthatdear?

DANCER.well,whatIreallywanttodoisdance.

(DaNCers feet start tapping incessantly.)

MOM.whatareyoudoing?

(She jumps up on table and throws her body into dancing convul-sions. She is a terrible dancer. She continues to dance for the rest of the scene.)

DANCER.Icantcontrolit.MylegsjusttakeoverandIjustneedtodance.letthemusictakecontrol.letthemusictakecontrol.letthemusictakecontrol.

DAD.whatmusic?

DANCER.Themusicinmymind.

(Music starts playing.)

DANCER.Canyouhearit?

DAD.Oddly,yes.howdidyoudothat?

DANCER.withmymind!

MOM.andwhatdoyoucallthatmove?

DANCER.Thedecapitatedcaterpillar.IknowImnotverygood.

MOM. (Being kind:)Oh,Iwouldntsaythat.

DAD.Iwould.

DANCER.ButIloveit.Ijustloveit.Itslikebreathing.andIknowalltheclassics.

MOM.likethefoxtrot,andthesalsa?

DANCER. No. like the Chicken Dance, The electric Slide, thelimbo. (She proceeds to do a terrible version of each. On the Limbo she bends so far back she cant get up, but still her body continues to vibe to the music.)

DANCER.alittlehelp?

(MOM and DaD just look at each other confused.)

DANCER.No?OK.Itsallgood.Imcool.Imstillgoing.

(Scene.)


Scene 12

(JUlIe and JOhNNIe are looking up at the ceiling, listening to all the banging from the dancer. Finally JUlIe acknowledges DIaNe.)

DIANE.lookatmewhenImtalkingtoyou!

JOHNNIE.Itsjustthenoise.Itsoundslikesomeonesdancing

JULIE.Ordying.

DIANE.Donotmakemerepeatmyselfyounglady!

JULIE.Sorry?Sotelluswhyshouldwechooseyoutobeourmother?

DIANE.BecauseIsaidso!

JULIE.youdontneedtoyell.

DIANE.youwanttohearyelling?Illshowyouyelling.

JOHNNIE.everyonerelax.weregonnagetthroughthis.Doyouwork?Doyouhaveajob?

DIANE.Moneydoesntgrowontrees!

JOHNNIE.areyouonlyspeaking inmomclichs? Is thatwhatshappeningrightnow?

DIANE.IbroughtyouintothisworldIcantakeyououtofit!

JULIE.Noyoudidnt.

DIANE.youregrounded!

JULIE.NoImnot.

DIANE.gotoyourroom!

JULIE.No.

DIANE.Dontmakemespankyou!

JOHNNIE.Pleaseleave.

DIANE.Finishyourvegetablesornodessertmister!

JOHNNIE.Imnoteatinganyvegetables.

JULIE.leave.Now.

DIANE. (Teary-eyed:)Oh,theygrowupsofast!

(Scene.)

24 Jimgarvey

Scene 13

CHEERLEADER.Beaggressive,B-eaggressive,B-e-a-g-g-r-e-S-S-I-V-e,aggressive,B-eaggressive!goteam!goTeam!woohooo!

MOM.wellwasntthatinteresting.

CHEERLEADER.Didyoulikeit?Didyoureallylikeit?yourenotjustsayingyoudidwhenyoudidntright?right?

DAD.youdmakeaterrificspellingbeecontestant.

CHEERLEADER.Doyouwanttohearanotherone?reboundThat

MOM andDAD. (Cutting her off:)No!

MOM. (Gathering herself:)Thatwontbenecessary,dear,thankyou.whydontyoutellusalittlebitaboutyourself?whatdoyouliketodoinyourfreetime?

CHEERLEADER.whatdoyouwantmetoliketodoinmyfreetime?

MOM.Comeagaindear?

CHEERLEADER.Ohmygosh!youhatecheerleaders!

(She rips her cheerleading costume off to reveal a glee club cos-tume. She blows a pitch pipe.)

CHEERLEADER.ahhhh.

MOM andDAD. (Cutting her off:)No!

CHEERLEADER.whatswrong?youdontlikeacapella? (She pulls a guitar out of nowhere.)

DAD.werejusttryingtofindoutmoreaboutyouasaperson.

CHEERLEADER.wellImacheerleader,andImindramaclub,andchess club, andmodelunitednations, anddebate club, yearbook,gleeclub

DAD.why?whatareyoutryingtoprove?

CHEERLEADER.Nothing.Itsjusthaaaaavaaaaaadrequiresextra-curriculars.

DAD.andgoingtoharvardisimportanttoyou?

CHEERLEADER. Of course,Mom andDad toldme Iwas goingtherewhentheyenteredmeintotheFutureleadersOfTheworldPre-SchoolForespeciallygiftedChildrenwithreallyreallyreallyrichParents.

MOM. Speaking of your parents, whats the deal?why are youlookingfornewparents?howdotheyfeelaboutthis?

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