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UIUC HomeComIng Week: More Than a Parade and a Football Loss
BY: kittY kat
With Homecoming on the horizon, many freshmen will be upset to find out that this week doesn’t involve a Powderpuff game, spirit days or a need for dress shopping. Instead, the only thing that comes to mind is the football game on Saturday, meaning everyone has an excuse to get especially hammered. But other than that, what the hell goes on during Homecoming week anyway? “There’s a parade right?” “I think I heard something about that.” “Jeez, if only there was some way to know…”
Enter Google and the ability to type in the phrase “UIUC Homecoming” and violá! There you have it: An entire list on the university’s website of every single recognized activity taking place during the week. Too lazy to look it up yourself? You’re lucky you grabbed this paper, then. We’ll give you a quick overview of what activities are out there so you can actually go do something this Homecoming week instead of watching TV alone with a case of warm Miller Lite.
Friday, october 18:Homecoming week kicks off a few days early with iHelp on the Main Quad. iHelp is a volunteer agency comprised of current students, alumni and Champaign-Urbana community members, and they’re scheduled to perform volunteer tasks all throughout Homecoming week. Because their specific tasks weren’t immediately noticeable on the website (and who really has time for digging anyway?), our only choice is to blindly guess at what causes and issues the iHelp team will be involved in. Maybe canning on the Quad to help fund The Daily Illini printing debt? Maybe building a glass floor structure over the Morrow Plots so people can stand above it and take pictures like the Chicago Skydeck? Maybe walking behind a group of international students and picking up cigarette butts as they throw them down? Maybe catching squirrels on the Quad and giving them rabies vaccinations? The pos-sibilities are endless. Don’t you want to be apart of it? Regardless of what it’s for, volunteering always looks good on a resume.
Sunday, october 20:Greek guys and gals, it’s time to bust out your creative tendencies and window markers! Today’s the day you get to coat Green Street with
orange, blue and your house letters in the annual House and Window Decorating Contest. Oh, and lowly RSOs can do it too, but good luck winning the contest with Pikes and Tri-Delts as your competition. Remember that you’re probably expected to appeal to a panel of alumni judges who probably won’t find dick drawings and “LOL OMG TFM” really funny on the window of Panera, so you’re going to need to get a bit more traditional. Write the lyrics to “Oskee Wow Wow” or draw your best version of the Chief, making it as politically correct as possible. And for all you art kids who aren’t in a Greek house or student organization … yeah, back off because you can’t be involved.
monday, october 21:Here is where the real fun begins! There’s a sweet smell in the air on Monday morning, and the campus is alive and bursting with Illini colors. Well, not really. The majority of the students are still hungover from Saturday night and are sleeping through classes that don’t in-volve iClicker points. So for those of you who make it out of your apartment on the worst day of the week, check out the activities you can take part in today.
The Black SheepVol. 23, Issue 9 10/16/13 - 10/23/13
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Can't get enough of the rush it brings him.
RUnneR TRaInS foR 5K on GReGoRy Hall STaIRS
page 9
a student's story of not Caring enough about the halloween season.
THe CoSTUmeleSS ConUndRUm
page 10
its sneeze meChanism will really get the Crowd going!
UnIveRSITy To Reveal neW maSCoT "THe IllneSS"
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Dear Kitty Kat,
I'm trying to stand out this year for Halloween, but I'm not really sure how to do it yet. Every year, I'm either a slutty witch or a slutty cat or a slutty teacher, but those don't really take much planning or effort. What's your costume suggestion for me this year?
P.S. I'm okay with nudity.
Thanks,Considering Costumes
Dear Fellow Halloween Lover,
I'm not sure what you look like, but you going nude could possibly be a scary costume all in itself.
All jokes aside, there are a lot of creative ideas you could use this season. Pop culture is full of weirdos and strange trends that you can make a mockery of and still be sexy, scary, whatever. Since you seem like someone who doesn't have the time or motivation to pull together a costume, I'll make this easy for you.
Pinterest has really taken off the past year or so. You can definitely capitalize on this. Wear any outfit you want (or hey, go naked!) and cover yourself with dou-ble stick tape. On Halloween night, pick up things you like or find interesting on the street or at an apartment party and stick them to yourself. You'll end up with a whole bunch of treasures when the night is through (and maybe even an awesome idea for a super-cute DIY Christmas gift!).
Another hit lately is Candy Crush. Once again, wear whatever you want, but head to Walgreens and pick up a bag of cheap candy. The rest should be obvious: Throughout the night, throw a piece or two on ground and stomp on them as hard as you can. Or just chew on them loudly with your mouth open. If you pull a piece of chocolate out of the bag, make sure you start screaming about how much you hate them.
My final suggestion is channel your inner Miley. And no, I'm not saying to dress up like her in the "Wrecking Ball" music video. I'm saying get bat-shit crazy. Wear whatever you want (or, once again, nothing!), take a bunch of ecstasy and shave the side of your head. Run around campus singing and bashing open piñatas filled with hot dogs. Anything here is fair game. Have fun!
Later,Kitty Kat
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Sophomore Ryan Bell told reporters he felt “really, really strong” after finally wedging the Underground Library Doors open on Thursday afternoon. The incident took place around 4:37 p.m. when a number of students struggled to open what witnesses have called “really heavy doors.”
Bell, 20, was showered with a number of thank yous and hey, nice jobs after summoning the strength to push open the unnecessarily heavy doors.
“I just felt so powerful,” Bell said. “Everyone was high-fiving me, and this one cute girl kind of smiled at me. It was really awesome.”
The doors were originally made heavy enough to keep students inside the library, forcing them to spend more time studying. Officials admit, though, that they didn't think about how it would also keep students out.
“Alright, alright, I'll admit that one slipped right past us,” President Robert Easter said.
Bell's impressive show of strength is only the eighth recorded time that a student has been able to open the doors this year with ease, and it's something his close friends say he's proud of.
“He brought it up like thirty times at our party last weekend,” Bell's roommate, Craig Ferguson said. “Every time someone new walked in the room he would hit me in the shoulder and say, 'Hey, tell 'em about that one time with me and the door. Go on, tell 'em!’”
After being questioned about the pompous attitude he's had since the incident, Bell laughed and said his ego hasn't grown, but his pecs definitely have.
“I know people look at me and think I'm just your every day, average student,” Bell shrugged. “But I'd like to see them try and open that door. Go ahead, try it.”
Local Folk Musician Suffers On-Stage Anxiety Attack to Joyous Cheers of Audience
By: Benny Boy
At noon last Monday, Jeremy Pool took the stage of the Courtyard Cafe, armed with nothing but his acoustic guitar. Early in his set he suffered one of the most intense and fearful anxiety attacks of his life. As Jeremy began his first number, a nervous and perturbed rendition of “Girl From the North Country” by Bob Dylan, he instantly began sweating and feeling sensations of dizziness and impending death.
“Well I had just sat down at the Courtyard Cafe to eat my turkey-avocado sandwich and to grade some papers when Jeremy began to play. I didn’t really pay much attention to him as he played, but he sounded okay. It’s cool that kids are putting themselves out there like that,” grad student Jordan Wilks said about Jeremy who, at the time of that story, was experiencing a morbid wave of paresthesia as he went into his second song, a soft acoustic cover of “Such Great Heights” by The Postal Service.
Following this song Jeremy attempted to address the audience, “Hi … uh, hey everyone. Uh, thanks for listening to these songs.” When his feeble attempt at audience connection was not reciprocated, Jeremy vomited a little inside his mouth.
For his final song, Jeremy chose to perform an original song of his. Before playing, Jeremy once again addressed the audience, “Hopefully you guys are having fun. I have free CDs. If you want them, that is. They’re free. If you want one you can ... well. Here’s an original song, it’s called ‘My Pain’.” Jeremy then broke into a three minute A minor folk ballad about unrequited love. Once finished, Jeremy walked up to the mic as if to say something but then just left the stage awkwardly.
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"I'm getting a home!" yelled David Manmouth, running down the street in nothing but dirty un-derwear that looked oddly similar to a used Chipo-tle bag. Manmouth, 47, is a homeless person new to the Champaign community who is experienc-ing his first fall on campus. After overhearing stu-dents and visitors talk about the upcoming Home-coming week, he seems to be taking the event a bit too literally.
"You know, I've only been in Champaign for a short while now, and I don't know why more people don't come out here!” he said. “Free homes! Can you believe it? I told the guys in Desert Storm that I'd be fine without a job!"
When the issue was brought up to Illinois Home-coming Co-Chair Lynn Chaney, she didn’t have the guts to tell him. "He just seems so ... happy," Chaney said sadly, "I mean, look at him out there." Just outside of the window, Manmouth was do-ing the robot and high-fiving students on the sidewalk. "If we tell him that a home is not literally coming to him, we'd just have another sad home-less guy laying around, and nobody wants that, right?"
"Look, I know it's all part of some sort of fantasy world that he's living in, but it's making other people's lives better and he's none the worse for it.” Chaney said, “David is the homeless guy Cham-paign needs, and the one it deserves at this time. He's like a weird, smelly version of Batman."
Of all the students that were interviewed about David, only one had a problem with him.
"We shouldn't be supporting this man and his de-lusions,” said psychology major Kevin Fargas. “He thinks that he's going to get a home. What hap-pens when that home never comes? As a psych major, I can tell you that happiness that comes from delusion is not true happiness at all, and the depression that will come from the fallout will be much, much worse. I take classes on this stuff, so believe me when I say that I know that it’s better for him to find out the truth.” Fargas paused, “Fuck it, I’m going to tell him the truth."
We followed Mr. Fargas to the David's location to see the confrontation unfold. David was talking to a group of people and showing a grade school stu-dent how to do the sprinkler dance when Fargas
laid the truth on him.
Tears welled up in David's eyes, as he slowly twisted his Chipo-tle bag underwear between his muddy fingers. "So, I have no place to go now? I have no-where?" David asked. It seemed in that brief moment that we had seen a defeated man at his lowest point, kneeling on a street corner. But to the surprise of all witnesses, something amazing happened.
One man helped David to his feet, gave him a hug and a couple of dollars. A line formed behind him, and soon everybody was consoling David. Those who had money to spare gave him some; those who didn't gave him awk-ward ass-out hugs instead. Stories were being told about how David had helped these people in one way or another. As the line ended David had col-lected over $150 and was even offered a custodial job at Dunkin’ Donuts.
“You know, my life hasn’t been great by any means,” David said between sniffles. “I’ve had some highs — and been high, heh — but even more lows. I thought the world had given up on me. Then when I thought I had a home, I felt something that I hadn’t felt in a long time: happiness. Even if that happiness came from false hope, I learned how much pure happiness can actually mean. I learned that people have the capability to do amazing things, even if they’re just some homeless guy in central Illinois.”
BY: Ben BacardiHOMeLeSS MAn
exCIted FoR HomeComIng
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BY: ScottY g.
With his new incendiary hit song, “F Da Fire Department,” rapper Dr. Dray-Bans has come out of retirement and shot to the top of the charts. The Black Sheep sat down with the doctor to get to the bottom of his divisive track.
the Black Sheep: thanks for talking with us, doctor. First things first. We’ve gotta ask: Why now? Why come out of retirement after 25 years?Dr. Dray-Bans: I’ll tell you why. There’s an abusive government program that’s ruining our way of life. It’s about time that someone stood up to this monster once and for all.
tBS: and what is this monster? obamacare?DDB: Nah, man, it’s the fucking fire department.
tBS: really? Well, your new song has caused quite a bit of controversy. it’s not a very popular belief. Most people
actually love everything about the fire department.DDB: They don’t know shit.
tBS: at one point in the song you actually say, “red devil riding through the town / Spraying poison all around / tryna keep the doctor down.” this is pretty extreme. Why exactly are you mad at the fire department?DDB: I’m tired of the crap that the fire department gets away with. People always say “fuck da police,” but I’m not about that. I’ve only got beef with the fire brigade. Them and their dumbass hats and shit.
tBS: What could you possibly have against the fire department? that’s like hating rainbows or reese’s peanut Butter cups.DDB: First of all, they’re always riding around blasting that awful music, waking me up and shit.
tBS: are you talking about the sirens?DDB: Look man, I don’t know the names of any of those dubstep DJs, I just know that I don’t like it. It’s not even music, it’s just random layers of noise. It sounds like a someone threw a damn baby in a blender.
tBS: Well, it’s not music, it’s supposed to be ... nevermind. is that the only reason for your hatred of firemen?DDB: Hell no. They’re the worst.
tBS: can you elaborate on that at all?DDB: They’re pointless, man. All the do is speed down the street whenever they want and be loud as hell. When I do that I get a ticket and a full body frisk. What’s up with that?
tBS: actually, in the u.S., only about 10 out of a million people die each year from fires and that’s down by 20% from the year 2000. So, they’re remarkably good at preventing and rescuing people from fires.
DDB: But they’re always buttin’ in, you know? If my son starts a fire in the kitchen, there ain’t no need to give the whole house a shower; that’s a teachable moment. Maybe once he breathes in a dangerous amount of smoke, he’ll learn to stop putting silverware in the microwave. I don’t need Uncle Sam telling me how to raise my kids.
tBS: it’s not really uncle Sam; he’s not a real person—just a personification of the government. and really, the fire department isn’t bad...
DDB: And what really pisses me off is that they’re always taking all the best parking spots in front of those little red, tree-stump lookin’ things. Just because they drive a fancy big red van they think they can save themselves a great spot in front of every store. I mean how many fire trucks are there in the world? Why do they get the only spots that are better than the handicap ones? My grandma only got one leg and she gotta walk further than one uh those red dudes.
tBS: Yeah, we’re done here.
RappeR tURnS tHe tableS on polICe,
Writes “F Da Fire Department”
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ARTICLES | BAR SPECIALS | DRINKING GAMES
08
Before last Tuesday, freshman Mike Jones considered himself a RipStik fanatic. Before coming to U of I, Mike had wondered how he was ever going to get to class on time. “At first I considered getting a bike, but then I worried that it would just get stolen. I thought about getting a longboard … but then again, why get a longboard when I got a perfectly good RipStik in my garage?”
Mike spent the first week of classes was spent RipStikin’ across campus without a care at all. “I felt like I was balanced precariously on top of the world. Any obstacle you can think of—pedestrians, bikers, potholes—why, I would just shake my hips and RipStick my way right around them. There’s nothing better than feeling the wind in your hair as you awkwardly wiggle your way down Armory at three miles an hour.”
The party wasn’t going to last forever, though. When Mike crossed in front of the Illini Media Building and caught a glimpse of himself in the window’s reflection, he was hit with a hard dose of reality. “I just saw myself wiggling down the street on a pole with two wheels at each end. I wasn’t going that much
faster than the people who were walking, and I just looked way less sensible than everyone else on the street. I’m a twenty-year-old guy, and I’m riding a device that even a person with a Razor Scooter would call moronic. It was just like, what the fuck am I doing?”
Jones has since visited the Campus Bike Shop on Pennsylvania Avenue where he purchased a lime green Huffy for 75 cents.
ISS Shutdown Forces Students to Continue Living exactly as They Were BeforeBy Jupiter Stevens
The University of Illinois' student body has been thrown into a chaotic turn of normalcy since the Illinois Student Senate's shutdown last Friday.
Amid a disagreement over whether or not Senate members should wear matching ties to meetings, the ISS officially shut down until the members are able to reach a mutual agreement.
Students were shocked to return to class on Monday and continue going about their day in the exact same way they always have. University of Illinois student Maria Braden, 19, was most shocked by the news that the University even had a student government.
“We have a what?” Braden said. “I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.”
The ISS has also released plans to start shutting down university monuments and attractions until a decision is reached.
ISS board members were sent to cover Abraham Lincoln's bust in Lincoln Hall and were also reportedly on their way to extinguish the Eternal Flame when they discovered it was never lit to begin with.
“Yeah, I guess we forgot to keep tabs on that one,” student senator Shao Guo said. “Oops.”
The ISS shutdown has resulted in countless cases of routine lectures and discussion sections, students and faculty members said.
“Everything's going pretty well, why do you ask?” STAT 100 professor Ellen Fireman said to reporters on Wednesday. “Why did you guys ask me to come to this press conference? Is something going on or something?”
Thousands of students were even seen walking around the Quad this week, being forced to follow their same route to class as they always have.
“Okay, seriously, what are you guys talking about?” junior Kevin Walsh said. “What in the hell is an ISS?”
RIpStIk RIdeR CatCHeS glImpSe oF SelF In WIndoW
BY: BennY BoY
Questions Life Decisions
Climbing to the top floor of Gregory Hall, a strenuous workout by any measure, has stolen some runners away from campus recreation facilities. One of them, amateur runner Bill Phelps, climbs the stairs 20 times each day to prepare for upcoming 5K runs in central Illinois.
Phelps claims he likes the challenge of the stairs. He found the inspiration for this new training ground when he noticed sweat imprints on his back the size of his backpack each time he made the climb to his American History 101 lecture on Mondays and Wednesdays. Many students recognize him as “the springing guy” with the iPod armband and neon orange spandex.
Phelps likes the feeling of being on a hamster wheel, running up one flight of stairs and running down the other flight of stairs at the opposite end of the hallway, over and over, five days a week. “It’s a rush unlike any other,” Phelps said, gasping for air. “I can’t get enough of it.”
He has received some criticism from haters, however, that climbing the Mount Everest-like stairs is completely different from running a 5K on flat land. “It’s bullshit” said one anonymous, doughy source, “we get it, you think fitness is important, but I really gotta talk to my TA , and we can’t concentrate with you huffing and puffing by all the time.”
Phelps doesn’t see it that way, “If you want to be a good runner, you have to live it, breath it, sweat it and run it,” Phelps said. “I have to be prepared for any obstacle. If a freak earthquake hits Illinois and turns the once smooth cornfields into a series of climbs and mountains right on the race route, I’ll be ready.”
A young, six-year-old Phelps was first inspired to make running his life’s mission when his
grandma showed him the classic Disney movie Pocahontas. He wanted to experience the beauty of nature firsthand, with a cool breeze blowing between his thighs and his skimpy polyester running shorts. This childhood experience eventually motivated him to participate in the Color Run in Chicago.
“I want to paint with all the colors of the wind in a way that no unanimated person has done before … by running,” Phelps said.
Phelps doesn’t limit his training to Gregory Hall; he has found other innovative ways to train away from outdoor tracks and indoor treadmills. Instead, he frequents the halls of the Illini Union Hotel, doubling as the wake up service the hotel provides to guests.
Though many runners on campus also run to and from Research Park, enjoying the remote location, scenic trees and smooth pathways, Phelps “doesn’t really feel the mainstream vibe,” prompting him to find other ways to workout in Research Park. Instead of bike paths, Phelps runs on the train tracks behind the Fire Service Institute. He claims running in front of trains builds his agility and gives him a “runner’s high.”
Phelps also enjoys shadowing the Jimmy Johns delivery drivers from both Green Street and Lincoln Avenue locations. Phelps is hopeful to gain sponsorships and believes running alongside their delivery cars will give him the reputation as “freaky fast” and gain him national recognition.
“I don't have any races lined up right now,” Phelps admitted. “But when I find out about one, my God, I'll be ready.”
09
With all of the rich history that comes with a 146-year-old university also come the crazy urban legends. The University of Illinois is known for many things, but most no-table are the ghost sightings and supernatural conspira-cies. Here are the top 10 most haunted places on campus.
10.) underground tun-nels: Many people claim to have visited these mysteri-ous tunnels running under the Quad, but no one truly knows their purpose or why students aren’t allowed down there anymore. Stu-dents who have entered the tunnels claim to have found a deep freezer filled with mysterious black garbage bags inside…
9.) the Main Stacks: Visit-ing the Stacks in the Main Library is something all U of I students should experience, if you dare. The dark, dingy corridors of the Main Stacks have been the sites of many undergraduate disappearances, getting lost among the six million volumes of books. Quite the price to pay for a silly research project.
8.) noyes Laboratory: Legend has it that Edward Morley is buried in the basement of Noyes, though the chemist—oddly enough—had no affiliation with the university during his lifetime. His grave is the place where science majors go to pray before their chemistry exams.
7.) university YMca on Wright Street: In the basement of the YMCA lies a mysterious portrait of a Native American chief. People claim that at night, the chief steps out from his portrait and roams the halls of the YMCA, moaning about how horrible our varsity athletics are.
6.) psych Building: Years ago, a distraught student threatened to commit suicide by jumping off the top floor of the building. The student didn't jump but did die a few years later under mysteri-ous circumstances. Students claim that his ghost haunts the Psych Building now due to unex-plained gusts of cold air, whispering from empty rooms and footsteps in vacant hallways.
5.) Lincoln Hall: With the many superstitions that surround the Lincoln bust in this building, there was bound to be a ghost story as well. Students claim to have seen a ghostly figure staring out over Wright Street from the third floor after the building has been locked for the night.
4.) Morrow plots: If you think the Morrow Plots are off limits because of research, think again. Dur-ing the 1920s, the plots were a popular dumping ground for dead bodies. Maybe the decomposed flesh and bones are what makes the soil so nutritious.
3.) clements cemetery Blue Man: Located just beside Memorial Stadium lies an old cemetery where, in 1841, a man was found hanging from a tree. It's unclear whether the man committed suicide or was the victim of a lynching, but he's said to haunt the cemetery. Witnesses claim to have seen a man with a faint blue glow pacing the grounds late at night.
2.) english Building: Back in 1905, the English Building used to be the Women’s Building, which sported a swimming pool where a young female met her fate. Sources say her drowning was an accident, while others claim she took her life after discovering she was pregnant. Most students seem to believe in this paranormal woman, claiming she not only haunts the building but helps students study.
1.) alma Mater: One of the biggest mysteries on campus that has just surfaced in the past year is the disappearance of the Alma Mater. Sources indicate the famous statue suddenly disappeared from its pedestal on August 7, 2012. The University has denied having any involvement in the vanishing, leaving many to wonder how exactly our fair lady and her strapping males left campus.
TheTop
TenBY: SaMMie Sea
FReakIeSt plaCeS on CampUS
Runner trains for 5k on Gregory Hall Stairs
BY:Winnie Bago
“It's a rush unlike any other. I can't get enough of it."
doWnload oUR fRee iphone and android app
tHe CoStUmeleSS Conundrum
BY: Brian BarSotti
Halloween is sneaking up fast on those who have yet to figure out a costume for this year. Bob Buckner, a junior at the University of Illinois, falls into this category, but he doesn’t seem to mind very much. According to McKinley Health Center physicians, Buckner is one of the millions of Americans who was born without the will or the motivation to make even a basic costume. And even with the health center’s expanse of expertise, they believe there really is no cure.
“Buckner suffers an all-too-common genetic condition called ‘not really giving a fuck,’ and Halloween functions as a memento of his ailment year after year. Buckner can’t look at a fake, open wound or pass by Halloween City without being reminded that he does not have nearly the amount of fucks to afford, let alone even consider, a costume,” Dr. Caroline Matts from McKinley explained.
Halloween is one of the rare times of the year when dressing up as an axe murderer is more socially permissible than dressing casually, and in these settings people like Buckner find themselves ostracized for not putting the effort into a costume.
“Yeah, I don’t really give a fuck,” Buckner said.
Buckner, being a person who’s too lazy to make or buy a cheap Halloween costume, knows all too well what it’s like to stick out like a regular thumb. He recalls one particular costume party on Springfield and Lincoln in 2011, in which he was literally the only one who showed up without a costume. Of course, Buckner felt very embarrassed at first but eventually became too distracted by the snack table in the kitchen and the guy dressed up as a man baby to really care anymore.
Friends said Buckner comes up with quick-witted excuses for not having a costume whenever he is asked. One of his favorite explanations is that his non-costume is, in fact, a costume. He often says that he’s dressed up as an alien, who is masquerading as a human, trying to assimilate smoothly into human culture.
“You know, I’m that alien from the movie The Thing,” Buckner typically explains. “The original John Carpenter version, not the crappy prequel.”
One group of people similar to the non-costume-wearers is the half-assed-costume-wearers. “You know, the people who wrap a few squares of toilet paper around their neck and claim to be a mummy? Yeah, those assholes,” Dr. Matts noted.
Both groups are afflicted by “not really giving a fuck,” and there tends to be an overlap between the two. For instance, one year, Buckner “half-assed” a half-assed costume—it was indeed a quarter-assed costume. Buckner intended to wear a sarcastic
t-shirt that read, “This IS My Costume.” However, he wasn’t able to find it, so he decided to put on his normal clothes and carry around a sign that read the same thing. Then he was too apathetic to even make that sign, so no one got the joke.
Buckner’s story serves as inspiration for students this holiday season who suffer from “not really giving a fuck.” He proves there are ways to forgo making your own Halloween costume—you just have to put some imagination into it.
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He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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Fall French toast
dRInkIng game
bottle bobbing
doWnload oUR FRee app FoR all tHe gameS!
Halloween parties when you were a little kid were the best—all the candy and goodie bags and sweet zombie costumes. You can still host your own while in college, but don’t expect people to be entertained for hours with the Mummy Wrap Race and Pin the Stem on the Pumpkin. Here’s a twist on the typical bobbing for apples challenge.
What You’ll need: A large bucket, blindfolds, a small bowl, strips of paper and 20-30 mini bottles of alcoholnumber of players: As many as you want!Level of intoxication: You’ll get a good buzz going.
How to play:- Get a giant tub, like a Rubbermaid container or a keg bucket, and fill it with water.- Lay down some towels in your living room or on your patio and put the bucket down.- Dump all of your mini alcohol bottles into the tub.- Decide who’s going first and have them put a blindfold on. They have to dip their head into the bucket, grab a bottle with their mouth and bring it back up.- Fill a small bowl with 10 strips of paper, 5 marked “trick” and 5 marked “treat.”- After someone bobs for a bottle, have them pull a piece of paper from the bowl. If it says “treat,” they keep the bottle for themselves. If the paper says “trick,” they give the bottle to someone else for them to drink. Put the paper strip back into the bowl.- Make sure the person drinks his or her bottle before moving onto the next person.- Go until everyone has had a turn, stopping after each person to pull a sheet of paper, distribute the bottle and drink.
the game ends When: All the bottles are gone! Or just go back to the liquor store and get some more. They’re only like $2 anyway…
The one thing that every kid misses about home is having meals prepared for them. We’re talk-ing good meals, not some dining hall dinner surprise. Here’s our recipe for pumpkin french toast that you can let cook overnight so it feels like Mom’s slaving away in the kitchen when you wake up.
What You’ll need: Crockpot, loaf of bread, 15 oz. can of pumpkin puree, 6 eggs, 1 cup of milk, 1/2 cup of brown sugar, 2 teaspoons cinnamon and 2 teaspoons vanilla extract.cook time: 6-8 hoursFatty Factor: If you throw up a lot the night before, it won’t matter.
Let’s get Baked:- Dice up your loaf of bread into small cubes and place ‘em inside the crockpot.- In another bowl, mix together the remaining ingre-dients.- Pour the mixture over the bread in the crockpot, making sure the bread is well-coated.- Let the French toast cook in the covered crockpot overnight on low heat.- Before eating it, take the lid off of the crockpot for about 30 minutes if it looks too moist.- Scoop out your portion and add any toppings you want, like whipped cream, syrup, etc.
“HEY MOM! The French toast! We want it now!”
relationship Status: Taken! Sorry ‘bout ya!Major: Full time bartender at Joe’sFavorite drink: Gin and tonicFavorite Shot: Sloppy blow jobdisgusting drink: Bar mat shotsWhat is the first Halloween costume you remember wearing as a child?: A Naughty Stripper in the third gradeWhat do you think will be this year’s most overdone costume?: Miley CyrusWhat’s the most offensive Halloween costume you’ve ever seen?: BlackfaceWhat’s the most overrated Halloween candy?: Candy cornWhat’s the most underrated Halloween candy?: The blue stuffWhat will you name your best-selling memoir?: Memoirs of a Slot ShotWhere are you hiding the evidence?: If I told you I’d have to kill you!Who would you invite to your threesome with Jeff goldblum?: Sam MooreWhy should people read the Black Sheep?: Because it’s free, and it tells you the bar deals!
baRtendeRS of the Week
amy ofJoe's brewery
relationship Status: I just got kicked off blackpeoplemeet.com, so we will see how christianmingle.com works out.Major: Call me Dr. CocagneFavorite drink: Appletinis get me loosey goosey!Favorite Shot: Liquid cocainedisgusting drink: ShackerWhat is the first Halloween costume you remember wearing as a child?: Pee Wee HermanWhat do you think will be this year’s most overdone costume?: Well, I’ve been a sexy cop every year so I’m guessing that.What’s the most offensive Halloween costume you’ve ever seen?: Blackface. I got my ass beat one time.What’s the most underrated Halloween candy?: Laffy Taffy. DFL knows what they’re talking about.What will you name your best-selling memoir?: Cocagne: It’s a Hell of a LifeWho would you invite to your threesome with Jeff goldblum?: I don’t think I have the sexual confidence for a threesome.Why should people read the Black Sheep?: Have you seen who’s bartender of the week?
JoSH ofkam's
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Boozereview
CanadIan ClUb doCk 57 blaCkbeRRy WHISky
gRade: a
If there’s one thing we can all agree on it’s that flavored vodka is usually pretty awful. But we’ve noticed that if you add flavor to pretty much any other type of alcohol, it’s a hit. Case in point: Canadian Club Blackberry Whisky. Don’t be too concerned by the smell when you first undo the cap. Yes, it does have a similar odor to UV Blue, but we promise it’s a lot better than that. Just push all those awful high school hangover memories to the back of your mind and pour yourself a glass.
It’s sweet and tangy, sour and smooth. Some-thing good to try if you want to keep it tradi-tional with some whisky but need a pick-me-up as well. It’s even better if you’re unfamiliar with the whole whisky scene and need an easy start into it. This could be a really good drink if you’re a badass grandma and want to reflect your equally badass husband who consumes more whisky than water. But since we probably don’t have grandmas reading this, it’ll just make you a really cool college chick when you can order some straight whisky out at the bars.
typical drinkers: Previously mentioned ba-dass grandmas, girls who aren’t afraid to throw a punch, girls whose parents would never ap-prove of the biker boy they slept with last night, and anyone who relate to the little girl in Kick-Ass
user comments:“Wanna know how much I benched today?”“What do you mean you shave your vagina?”“Drinking whisky makes me look cool.”“Oh my God, this blackberry is like, super delish.”
Best described as a Haiku:Not a girly drinkTrue whisky with a big biteDon’t you mess with me
What Your grandma Would Say if She Saw You drinking this: “That’s my girl!” *lights up cigarette and speeds off on Harley*
You’ll Like this if You Like: Wearing leather pants and black high heels on a Monday after-noon “just because.”
Food pairing Suggestion: A knuckle sand-wich, followed by the fattest pulled pork sand-wich you can make and a fresh batch of beer-battered French fries.
Make it a Blackberry Sour: 1 oz. Canadian Club Blackberry Whisky, 0.5 oz. orange juice, 0.5 oz. lemon juice, 0.5 oz red wine and orange zest
WRItten by:kItty kat
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Ever since the Chief was taken away from the students by a bunch of namby-pambies, University of Illinois officials have been searching for a mascot to replace our fallen leader. As Homecoming approaches, there have been rumors circulating that a new mascot has been chosen and will be unveiled next weekend at the football game against Michigan State. Once the rumor mill started turning, The Black Sheep rooted around in certain offices until we found the answer. The new mascot of the University of Illinois is called “The Illness.”
From the rough sketches, it looks like The Illinois Illness is a bright orange character, similar in appearance to a giant glob of phlegm. The documents (which included sketches) contained more details on the costume, describing how to keep the costume moist and sticky and how to operate the “sneeze mechanism” that showers fans with orange gloop that hearkens back to Nickelodeon days.
The plans also described a new halftime routine that replaces the Chief’s dance and interaction with the Marching Illini. This year, speakers from McKinley Health Center will give presentations on flu shots and safe sex. The crowds’ chants will also be altered, as the Illini will no longer be associated with the University. The storied shout of “I-L-L … I-N-I” will be replaced with a similar “I-L-L … N-E-SSSS,” with the “s” pronounced as the intimidating hiss of a snake.
A member of the University’s Student Senate explained their thought process behind this new addition. “We decided to do the
big reveal on Homecoming because there will be many alumni in town, and it was just an added bonus that our esteemed football team will be playing the Trojans. I mean, how appropriate is that? We’re the Illness, and they’re the condoms that try to stop us from setting in.”
When we informed him that the Spartans would be playing Illinois and not the Trojans, he muttered under his breath, “Who gives a fuck … the stadium will be half empty anyways.”
However, some students are upset with the nature of the new mascot. “It’s seriously gross. I don’t want some piece of snot all over my spirit wear,” complained freshman Vicky Delaney. As a self-diagnosed germaphobe, she expressed concern that she may be unable to even watch sporting events if the mascot is shown on screen. When told about the “sneeze mechanism” and the orange gloop, she visibly gagged and asked to go to the bathroom.
Pre-med student John Rouck disagrees, saying, “The mascot is very realistic, and I think that the halftime information sessions will be great. We need more awareness in this school of the dangers of disease, and these animals need to stop having so much unprotected sex.”
The biggest worry about the installation of a new mascot is whether it will be deemed offensive and inappropriate, like the Chief was years ago. There has already been talk of an enraged small group of
p e o p l e stricken with a disease named “Liquiface.” Liquiface is a syndrome that causes the subject’s face to turn orange and drippy, similar to The Illness’ attire.
“This mascot is a direct shot at them, and it simply cannot stand,” said Rick Scott, the spokesman of The Liquiface Foundation. Scott’s group recently took down a soccer team in Ireland called “The Orangeskins,” and it would not be a stretch to assume he could do the same stateside.
No matter what happens, there is sure to be much talk of The Illness in the coming weeks and for years to come. Changing a university’s mascot is no small feat and pleasing everyone will always be an unfulfilled dream.
UnIveRSIty to Reveal “tHe IllneSS” aS neW maSCot
BY: deputY dinguS
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Around noon, make sure to hang out near the Illini Union, Quad side, for a free lunch provided by the Illini Union Board. Supplies are limited because cheap hot dogs, stale buns and generic brand chips can really put the university’s budget over the edge. We’re not sure how picky they are about going up and getting seconds, so make sure you have a hat or phony moustache to put on because you know you’re going to need more than one round of food.
After lunch, step inside the Union for a pumpkin carving contest. Oh wait, you’re not in a frat or sorority? Sorry, but you can’t participate in this one either. Why don’t you just go back outside and get some more free lunch, you fatass loser?
Put MNJ on hold for a week and check out the party that’s going to be raging at Foellinger at 9:30 tonight. Baauer—the dude who brought us “Harlem Shake”—will be performing for only $12 a ticket. There are, however, a few strange things we noticed about this concert. One, the Homecoming website also includes ticket prices for adults. Not sure how many of them are going to be spending their night and money on that. Two, doesn’t this guy only have like, one song? How is he supposed to entertain a crowd for more than three minutes. And three, Foellinger? Seriously? Even if Baauer did have more than one song, there’s no way that people are going to be able to get down inside of a lecture hall. You can barely squeeze through the rows of seats when it’s not packed with sweaty dupstep fans.
Wednesday, october 23:Another opportunity for free food comes your way in the form of a BBQ and bags tournament from 4-7 p.m. Don’t worry, you don’t have to be Greek to participate (for once), but it’s recommended because they’re a lot more fun to hang out with. There will be live music and entertainment—hopefully provided by Baauer after he writes a new song about Foellinger being a bad choice in venue.
Friday, october 25:A lot of cool academic things going on today that you can join in on. Interested in law school? You can attend a law class in the afternoon for free! What a deal! You don’t go to your own classes on Fridays, but you’ll definitely be willing to spend two hours of precious day drinking time at somebody else’s! Don’t want to go to class but are still interested in law school? There’s an alumni reception at the I Hotel and a Class of ’63 Reunion Dinner later on. Sure you may have a good 35 years or so on the attendees, but it’s a great chance for some networking with old dudes.
The Illini Block Party also takes place today from 4-6 p.m. along Wright Street. There are games, activities, entertainment! Maybe Chancellor Wise will get up in the dunk tank too! We can only hope, right?
Immediately after the Block Party, stick around for the parade and pep rally. It’s basically a huge jerk-off session for current and past Marching Illini members but still should be a sight to see. Maybe they’ll perform another Baauer song? The parade ends at the Quad and is made up by really any group who
wants to join and registers in time. So hooray for you non-Greeks! It only took the entire week for that to happen, but hey, it’s better than nothing. Tim Beckman and members of the football team will be there as well. Make sure you look good, ladies.
If buff, athletic dudes aren’t your type, maybe the body composition of Jim Gaffigan is more your thing. He’ll be at Assembly Hall for “The White Bread Tour,” making fun of his love handles and stupid children.
Saturday, october 26:Football game at 2 p.m. Just get drunk.
Whatever you’re into, you can find something to do during Homecoming week. And if not, sitting at home with some warm Miller Lite might not be that bad.
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The Top 10 Awful, unfunny TwiTTer AccounTs your DumbAss frienDs Are following (and How to End Your FriEndsHips witH tHEm)
DishonorAble menTions:
@ToTalSraTMove • @_DoSequiSMan, @FauxJohnMaDDen • @The_helenKeller,
@iTSBaDlucKBrian • @SenTeDcruz
partTwo
tHE Final round oF awFul is HErE.Last week, we recapped some of the most awful accounts twitter has to offer.
Today, we get to the toxic waste dump that is the five worst accounts on twitter. Try not to gag.
Read Part 1 Online atTheBlacKSheeponline.coM
5. @notbillwalton
This isn’t even trying to be Bill Walton. Just direct people to who you really are, and no one will care. Or they shouldn’t care, be-cause you’re just a dude.
@NotBillWalton is a self-proclaimed parody “artist” and “Sports Illustrated & Mashable’s pick for #1 Sports Parody Feed on Twitter!” And for some reason, the account still man-ages to garner followers despite the fact that it doesn’t even attempt to parody Bill Walton, even if Bill Walton were some-one who deserves parody. The actual Bill Walton isn’t even on national TV anymore, he’s a low-level broadcaster for Pac-12 basketball. So why is this account, that had a short flair of popularity a few years ago, still garnering 150 RTs per idiotic thought of the dude who runs it? Because, say it again, class, Twitter is riddled with stupid people.
Friendship-ender: Ask them over to watch the NBA. If he or she cannot blurt out even the slightest original thought about the game and instead reads off tweets from this mind-numbing account, slowly stand up, take their phone from their bloated, sweaty fingers, and cram it up their tiny little asshole. Then escort them to the door, and tell them good day.
worsTof theworsT
4. @realAlexJones
Alex Jones has a nice little formula to every tweet: conspiracy, guns, Obama, media. Mix them together in some fashion and boom, he eats that attention up like a fat, brace-faced teenager at the prom.
@RealAlexJones is just flat out scum of the earth. He drums on and on and on about a bunch of blubbering bullshit buzzwords, mostly directed at President Obama. If not that, it’s about the media, or guns—just lunacy-- and then sits back as his 239-thou-sand-strong army of fucks retweets the shit out him. YOU THINK OBAMA DON’T WANT RICH PEOPLE WITH GUNS? Obama? Check. Guns? Check. 500 RTs? Check.
Friendship-ender: This shouldn’t be just how you decide whether or not to be friends with someone; it should be what humanity uses when we ultimately need to trim the population. Below @RealAlexJones’ tweets will be a simple check box with the question: “Do you agree with this tweet? Does it make sense to you?” Check yes and you’re dropped into a deep pit to rot with the nation’s other psychos. Check yes and you can go on living your life, being the normal, sensible, logical person you are.
worsTof theworsT
3. @fillwerrell/@itswillyferrell/Any other will ferrell-based account
Ah, the classic social media technique of capitalizing on a trag-edy for personal gain. This is one of the most disgusting things to permeate Twitter as far as we’re concerned. You know what? Fuck these accounts. We’re not even dignifying them with a full paragraph.
There isn’t anything we can say about these accounts ex-cept that Will Ferrell would hate every single human being who follows these. He especially hate the person who runs it. You’ve upset Will Ferrell with your terrible jokes, you fucks. You don’t deserve the air you breathe or the retweets you get.
Friendship-ender: We can’t help you here. If your friends are retweeting this, you’re probably stuck in the same cycle they are. Congrats on being braindead!
worsTof theworsT
2. @TedofficialpageTed is one of the least-funny movies of all-time. An absolute abomination that combines the impossibly terrible jokes of the last five years of Family Guy with Boston accents and a poorly animated Teddy Bear sounds like the worst thing on earth, but just go watch the whole film and truly understand how the fuck this piece of shit was greenlit. Oh wait, that’s right, because the average moviegoer is stu-pider than almost any consumer, willing to throw money at this thing because “hahaha fart joke.” This account and things of its nature are the true reason we can’t have nice things. The tweets aren’t relevant to the movie, to any of the humor of the character, to anything. That seems like a blessing in disguise, but when the tweets are all of that same vein of “let’s appeal to 15-year old girls and people who dropped out of community college” to boot, plus some high quality racism and “I’m not like the other girls” mentality make this arguably the worst account to ever grace Twitter. Were it not for our number one, it would hold the crown as the single greatest achievement in making people stupider in our history as a society.
Friendship-ender: Hold Seth MacFarlane hostage and make him use his embarrassing fortune to buy all of these handles and turn them into PSA accounts on what the word “Parody” means. Also castrate anyone who uses the phrase “Thunder Buddy.”
1. @menshumorWe could go on for days about how absolutely abhorrent Men’s Humor is in every way possible. It’s a combination of sopho-moric bullshit, recycled jokes, and, of course, the omnipresent misogyny. Men’s Humor takes the absolute worst of every ac-count on Twitter and combines it into one verified, vomit-inducing piece of shit. But many accounts do that. What truly makes @MensHumor the worst is that so, so many of the people you know follow it. Go check right now. On our own Twitter accounts, at least 100 of the people we follow are also following @MensHumor, including many famous athletes and celebrities. People we respect and cherish and care about follow this absolutely foul load of cock-sucking shit. If Men’s Humor were an election, it would be Bush’s 2004 campaign: moronic hack that has proven time and time again to be unqualified receives large majority of support by seemingly rational people. I can’t explain it. It’s a phenomenon unlike any other, but just know by following @MensHumor, you are enabling some slut-shaming dipshit who has turned this into an empire of sewage, with a shop and a tum-blr and everything. These people steal tweets, and then claim their content is protected by copyright. The basic machinations of the American legal system go over these people’s heads. What we have here is what you would get if the Chive gave people gonorrhea by visiting its site. Unfollows are the chemo for this cancer on the twitterverse, and only you can stop it.
Friendship-ender: Murder them in cold blood in the middle of the night while they’re sleeping, hide the body, skip town, change your name, by a farm and live off the land. There is no other solution.
It’s such an easy formula: get followers, tweet bullshit. This one is absurd.
See the joke here is that women are subservient to men and spend their time in the kitchen making food for the man and children in their life. The height of comedy!
sEnd Your answErs to [email protected] first right answer gets a prize!
Big • caSTaway • larry crowne • philaDelphia • clouD aTlaS The green Mile • polar expreSS • ForreST guMp • Turner anD hoochmovie lisT:
Each box fEaturEs thE handsomE tom hanks in onE of his many blockbustEr films. do you know which moviE Each box is from?Hankerin’ for the Hanks
23
Read moRe onlIne theblaCksheeponline.Com
For the past two months on the UIUC campus, the forcibly reclusive a cappella community has been hard at work in preparation for this year’s annual Acatoberfest. The concert series features unique vocal arrangements from every a cappella group on campus. To protect the identities of any closeted a cappella singers, all group names have been changed to the following: the Sex Lords, the Dick Swords, Whorez Next Door, Chicken Tikka Masala Town, No Chode, Tamp Strings Attached, and “those other guys, but I don’t remember their name.”
Emotions run high as this year’s show approaches. The stress, nerves and sheer self-loathing that naturally come with publicly performing a cappella songs have led some singers to spend their evenings listening to inspirational Barbara Streisand covers on repeat while drinking straight gin.
“Even bad YouTube a cappella is more enjoyable than most of our shit,” sobbed Dick Swords' music director Penny Jameson. “How the heck are we supposed to compete with some of
those fuckers that end up on The Ellen DeGeneres Show? Half of our set is us just kind of humming the theme song of Friends for twenty-five minutes.”
The rest of the interview with Jameson consisted of incoherent babbling, with occasional “I don’t even like James Blunt,” and “I can’t be bootlylicious all the time,” between tears.
Unfortunately, many of the groups this semester reported campus-wide drops in concert attendance and CD sales. Other groups have also run into additional pre-show misfortunes.
“We mass ordered the same sleek, black-sequined blouses as one of the male groups,” said sophomore soprano and beat-boxer Chelsea Abrahams of the Whorez Next Door. “Yup, exact same outfits. It’s bad enough that we’re both singing Katy Perry songs, but audiences already prefer all-guy groups over all-girl groups. Now they’re going to look and sound better than us. Is it too late to quit?”
Abrahams isn’t the only singer with this frustration. Several groups mentioned that their members have slowly begun to lose interest.
“I hate this group,” said baritone Charlie Wetmore of the Sex Lords. “I did the whole a cappella thing because I didn’t want to join GayMatch.com yet. I thought I’d meet a ton of hot, available guys who could sing, and maybe even do a couple of shows at C Street. But no, everyone in the group is straight. We only do shows at sorority houses, and I once had seventeen pairs of moist mom panties thrown at me after I sang the solo for ‘Let’s Get It On’ over Moms Weekend. I’m about done.”
According to an inside source, Acatoberfest will also feature a brand new group made up of bitter freshmen who failed to land a spot on any of the school’s more-established groups. Rumor has it that in order to increase interest in their songs, the group has compiled a “Behind the Stage, Beneath the Clothes” naked calendar that they plan to distribute alongside the show’s
programs, though only bass singer Greg Hoffman is believed to have a big enough ”vocal range.”
Despite the general hostility directed at a cappella singers, some students remain hopeful. “This year’s show is gonna be trampin’,” said lead singer John Skurskowski of the No Chode, whose future plans involve preparing for an upcoming X-Factor audition.
Other students are more realistic. “Ever
since Pitch Perfect came out, the public has unrealistic expectations of what collegiate-level a cappella is really about,” said one kid whose name The Black Sheep didn’t bother to get because he took himself way too seriously.
So if you’re into music, dancing and making yourself feel better, Acatoberfest may just be the place for you. Groups will be holding tryouts immediately following their performances to fill gaps left by previous a cappella stars.
A Cappella Groups Pretend to be a “Thing”BY: StraWBerrY SHortcock
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