8/18/2019 I Think What It Came Down to for Me Was That Nothing

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I think what it came down to for me was that nothing – nothing – I have everexperienced in my life could make up for the depths we were going through.Loneliness in a marriage and prohibited from any intimacy outside. So wheream I supposed to go. It´s just an unwillingness to ever live like that andnothing I could desire for myself could be worth it – the only thing that iscommensurate or greater would be a sense of responsibility and loyalty for

others. !ut as for myself I would prefer to live at "ero with constant "eropleasure in my life if I can just avoid that fucking hell we just went through.

!ut it was as if the repeated grating in the marriage though it peaked around#$%% to #$%& its memory lived in my mind. 'nd each new hit feels cumulativea continued net loss it doesn´t matter that it´s less fre(uent. )he continuedpresence of these moments are an aberration to every part of my spiritualinstincts.

'ma"ing the ways in which pretty hurts moves me. *erformance aspect ineverything suppression performance the end of the day decompression inhotel rooms by yourself+ the competitive drive ,this time I´m going to take

the crown as I´m going down down down-

!ut I may not end up wanting happiness. I might prefer to be passionate alivemanifest and in pain than be a happy pond without a ripple.

ictorious and in pain. )he look of determination that only comes from willfulsuppression of pain and willingness to do it again.

/hameleon. *erformer. ictor. 'rrogant. Lonely.