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Couple’s CommunicationCouple’s Communication

““He said/She said”He said/She said”

STRENGTHEN YOUR STRENGTHEN YOUR MARRIAGEMARRIAGE

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Communication Is A ProcessCommunication Is A Process

TalkingTalking ListeningListening UnderstandingUnderstanding Key Problem - Being Understood & Key Problem - Being Understood &

UnderstandingUnderstanding

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6 Messages Can Come From One Message

What you mean to sayWhat you mean to say

What you actually sayWhat you actually say

What the other person hearsWhat the other person hears

What the other person thinks he hearsWhat the other person thinks he hears

What the other person said about what you saidWhat the other person said about what you said

What you think the other person said about what you What you think the other person said about what you

saidsaid

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Reasons For Not Communicating

Haven’t learned how to share openly with another Haven’t learned how to share openly with another

personperson

Being afraid to express their feelings or thoughts for Being afraid to express their feelings or thoughts for

fear of rejection or hurtfear of rejection or hurt

An attitude that talking won’t help, so why bother?An attitude that talking won’t help, so why bother?

Some people don’t believe that they as a person have Some people don’t believe that they as a person have

anything to offeranything to offer

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The Five Levels Of Communication- by John Powell,

“Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am.”

Powell’s five levels of communication are:Powell’s five levels of communication are: Level FiveLevel Five: Cliché’ Communication - ‘ no personal sharing.’: Cliché’ Communication - ‘ no personal sharing.’ Level FourLevel Four: Reporting the facts about others - ‘ Facts without : Reporting the facts about others - ‘ Facts without

feelings’feelings’ Level ThreeLevel Three: My Idea and Judgments - ‘ Person begins to : My Idea and Judgments - ‘ Person begins to

express feelings and ideas.’express feelings and ideas.’ Level TwoLevel Two: My Feelings and Emotions - ‘ Person shares how he : My Feelings and Emotions - ‘ Person shares how he

feels about facts, ideas and judgments.’feels about facts, ideas and judgments.’ Level OneLevel One: Complete Emotional and Personal Truthful : Complete Emotional and Personal Truthful

Communication: ‘ Marriage Communication: ‘ Marriage mustmust be based on absolute be based on absolute openness and honesty.’openness and honesty.’

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Anger and Communication

Anger is one of the main causes of the breakdown of Anger is one of the main causes of the breakdown of communication in marriage.communication in marriage.

What is Anger? Here’s a definition:What is Anger? Here’s a definition:

a strong emotion of displeasure. a strong emotion of displeasure. the natural reflexive result of frustration.the natural reflexive result of frustration.

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How To Respond to Anger

How do you react when you’re angry at your spouse? How do you react when you’re angry at your spouse?

What choices do you have to anger?What choices do you have to anger? SuppressSuppress - ‘ You build a fence around it.’ - ‘ You build a fence around it.’ ExpressExpress - ‘Get it off your chest.’ ‘Work in the yard.’ - ‘Get it off your chest.’ ‘Work in the yard.’

‘Go for a long walk.’‘Go for a long walk.’ RepressRepress - Refusing to accept the fact of your anger. - Refusing to accept the fact of your anger.

It’s unhealthy and may lead to illness or comes out It’s unhealthy and may lead to illness or comes out in other ways.in other ways.

ConfessConfess - Recognizing you are angry and stating - Recognizing you are angry and stating the fact before you lose control.the fact before you lose control.

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Unhealthy Reactions To Anger

Ignore your feelingsIgnore your feelings

Keep your anger insideKeep your anger inside

Keep saying...” I’m not angry.”Keep saying...” I’m not angry.”

Remember the argument and try to get back at your Remember the argument and try to get back at your

spousespouse

Blame your spouseBlame your spouse

Don’t learn from your emotions, i.e..; Keep repeating Don’t learn from your emotions, i.e..; Keep repeating

harmful ways of communicatingharmful ways of communicating

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Healthy Reactions to Anger

Be aware of your emotionsBe aware of your emotions

Don’t be afraid to admit your emotionDon’t be afraid to admit your emotion

Learn how the emotion got thereLearn how the emotion got there

Share your emotion with your spouseShare your emotion with your spouse

Decide what to do with your emotionDecide what to do with your emotion

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Positive Ways to Handle Anger

Be aware of your emotional reactionsBe aware of your emotional reactions Recognize your emotions and admit your feelingsRecognize your emotions and admit your feelings Try to understand why you have angerTry to understand why you have anger Can you create other situations where anger won’t Can you create other situations where anger won’t

happen?happen? Is anger the best response? Is there a better way to Is anger the best response? Is there a better way to

express yourself?express yourself?

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Positive Ways to Handle Anger

Does your anger rise too soon? If so, try to slow down Does your anger rise too soon? If so, try to slow down and count to tenand count to ten

You may have a time when your anger is legitimate. If You may have a time when your anger is legitimate. If so, use timing and tact to express your feelingsso, use timing and tact to express your feelings

Are you critical of others? Is your critical attitude merely Are you critical of others? Is your critical attitude merely anger?anger?

Find a friend you trust and talk about it or see a Find a friend you trust and talk about it or see a counselorcounselor

Ask for God’s help with your angerAsk for God’s help with your anger

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Problem Solving As A Couple

Focus on the solution rather than the problemFocus on the solution rather than the problem

Think in terms of possible solutionsThink in terms of possible solutions

Actively work on solutionsActively work on solutions

Accept what can’t be changedAccept what can’t be changed

Keep your values straightKeep your values straight

Live one day at a timeLive one day at a time

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How To Cope With Conflict

Don’t avoid conflict with the “Silent Treatment”Don’t avoid conflict with the “Silent Treatment” Don’t save ‘emotional trading stamps”. i.e..; waiting to get Don’t save ‘emotional trading stamps”. i.e..; waiting to get

even later, bringing up the pasteven later, bringing up the past If possible, find the best time and place to discuss without If possible, find the best time and place to discuss without

interruptioninterruption Attack the problem, not each otherAttack the problem, not each other

a. Back up words with factsa. Back up words with facts

b. Remember to forgetb. Remember to forget

c. No comments about in-laws or relativesc. No comments about in-laws or relatives

d. No comment about your spouse’s appearanced. No comment about your spouse’s appearance

e. No dramaticse. No dramatics

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How To Cope With Conflict

Don’t throw your feelings at your spouseDon’t throw your feelings at your spouse

Stay on the subjectStay on the subject

Offer solutions with your criticismsOffer solutions with your criticisms

Never say, “You Never” or “You Always”. Watch your Never say, “You Never” or “You Always”. Watch your

volume and don’t exaggeratevolume and don’t exaggerate

Don’t manipulate your mate with, “It’s all Don’t manipulate your mate with, “It’s all mymy fault.” fault.”

When you’re wrong, admit it; When your right, keep When you’re wrong, admit it; When your right, keep

silent silent

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Communicate To Build Self-Esteem

Make it safe to communicate - Make it safe to communicate -

a. Look at the positive side of opennessa. Look at the positive side of openness

b. Take initiative, take the first stepb. Take initiative, take the first step

c. Don’t use openness as a tool of attackc. Don’t use openness as a tool of attack

d. Be honest about yourself to othersd. Be honest about yourself to others

e. Both parties must play by the same rulese. Both parties must play by the same rules Seek to understand, not to be understoodSeek to understand, not to be understood Don’t assume you know - askDon’t assume you know - ask

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Communicate To Build Self-Esteem

Listen - don’t interruptListen - don’t interrupt

Don’t nagDon’t nag

Don’t jump to conclusionsDon’t jump to conclusions

Disagree? Yes. Disrespect? NO!Disagree? Yes. Disrespect? NO!

Deal in potential - not the pastDeal in potential - not the past

Don’t force your spouse to be your carbon copyDon’t force your spouse to be your carbon copy

Pray for one anotherPray for one another

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Listening

Listening means that when your spouse is talking Listening means that when your spouse is talking to you, you are not thinking about what you are to you, you are not thinking about what you are going to say when he or she stops talkinggoing to say when he or she stops talking

Listening is completely accepting what is being Listening is completely accepting what is being said without judging of what is said or how it is saidsaid without judging of what is said or how it is said

Listening is being able to repeat back to your Listening is being able to repeat back to your spouse what he/she said and what he/she was spouse what he/she said and what he/she was feelingfeeling

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Three Components of Communication

The Content - 7%The Content - 7%

The Tone of Voice - 38%The Tone of Voice - 38%

The Nonverbal Communication - 55%The Nonverbal Communication - 55%

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Obstacles to Listening

DefensivenessDefensiveness

a. Premature conclusiona. Premature conclusion

b. Read into their statementsb. Read into their statements

c. Rehearse our responsesc. Rehearse our responses

d. Respond to ‘Gun-Powder’ words - i.e.. - you d. Respond to ‘Gun-Powder’ words - i.e.. - you always;always;

you you never;never; you’re you’re just likejust like

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Obstacles to Listening

Attitudes or BiasesAttitudes or Biases

a. Certain tone of voicea. Certain tone of voice

b. Ethnic groupsb. Ethnic groups

c. The opposite sexc. The opposite sex

d. People who remind us of someone from the d. People who remind us of someone from the

pastpast

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Obstacles to Listening

Our own inner strugglesOur own inner struggles

InterruptingInterrupting

TimingTiming

OverloadOverload

Mental/Physical fatigueMental/Physical fatigue

Selective attention/ ‘ filtered listening’Selective attention/ ‘ filtered listening’

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Steps To Better Listening

Understand Understand what you feel about your spousewhat you feel about your spouse

Listen Listen with your ears, your eyes, and your bodywith your ears, your eyes, and your body

Clarify - Clarify - “ I think....”“ I think....”

Observe - Observe - Focus on body language and tone of voiceFocus on body language and tone of voice

Reflective Listening - Reflective Listening - Look/listen for emotions expressedLook/listen for emotions expressed

Inquire - Inquire - Drawing out more informationDrawing out more information

Be patient - Be patient - Especially if your spouse is a slow or hesitant talkerEspecially if your spouse is a slow or hesitant talker

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Real Reasons To Change

We seek renewal - ‘Return to good times’We seek renewal - ‘Return to good times’

We want more - ‘Building up our self-esteem’We want more - ‘Building up our self-esteem’

We need variety - ‘Being loved and built up in new We need variety - ‘Being loved and built up in new

ways’ways’

We want to be seen in a different light - ‘Being We want to be seen in a different light - ‘Being

appreciated in all areas of life’appreciated in all areas of life’

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How To Change

Work as a team - share ideas and informationWork as a team - share ideas and information Start out slowlyStart out slowly Intimacy - openness and honesty, sincerity and trustIntimacy - openness and honesty, sincerity and trust Understand how your spouse sees him/herself to what Understand how your spouse sees him/herself to what

their self-esteem is built ontheir self-esteem is built on Present ideas in ways that build your spouses self-Present ideas in ways that build your spouses self-

esteemesteem Consider your own willingness to changeConsider your own willingness to change Reinforce and encourage your spouseReinforce and encourage your spouse Be persistent and patientBe persistent and patient