i Don't Want to Be a Hero

8/6/2019 i Don't Want to Be a Hero

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Title: They used to say...

Prompt: I don't want to be a Hero

Author's note: A drabble? A short story? Heck, I don't really know what they call it here.

*shrugs* I had some hard time to do them all at once, was forced to treat each section as aseparate part of the story, then re-combined them into 1 piece of work. The last part was easiestto write, and I actually finish that part 1st. LOL. I also did some tweaking with some parts so that

they somewhat deviated from the canon, just a little.

Anyway, this is just a short story chronicling about Azula's view about what her parents used to

say to her, somewhat relating to her growth, perhaps?

Disclaimer: I don't own A: TLA, nor any of those characters, if I do, I won't be here sulking. Iwill out there contributing in The Legend of Korra's production.

1.

He used to say, 'What this nation need is a leader.' And she used to say, 'What we need is a hero.'

Long long time ago, they used to tell her things.

They used to teach her a lot of things, from the beginning of the world to the edges of the spirit

world. They would take her to the library, along with her slightly older brother- tiny handsgrasping tiny hands innocently, sheltered by those extremely gigantic palms- to the section where

colourful scrolls could be found. Both of them would sit on their parents' laps each and lean ontheir slim bellies, listening cool tales that they could not see elsewhere, imagining them all

coming to life.

Sometimes, they would even bring her to places that she never thought she should go.

Azula was almost three when her father once took her to the tallest place she knew, the highest

roof of the palace.

She did not like here. The winds were strong that she could not stand properly, they wereblowing against her, she had to grasp her father's flowing robes tightly with both of her little

hands. She wanted to go back down where the winds are gentle, where her brother and hermother were. Tentatively, she looked up to her father. He stood there, eyes closed, hands clasped

behind.

'Dad...?' She whispered but the winds were cruel for they had taken away her whisper as soon asthat voice left her mouth.


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He did not response and so she pushed herself even closer to him, closer till she was leaning infront of him, staring straight down to the palace ground. And she gasped sharply. So... far. Her

amber eyes widened. So far from... ground.

'No.' a deep voice spoke up coolly, unfazed by the strong and reverberating wind.

She quickly lifted up her head and gazed at him, curiously. 'You shouldn't look down, Azula.'His voice was deep yet gentle. Slowly he lowered his body until his eyes were the same level as

her, but he did not look at her, instead he gently place his finger below her chin and push herhead slightly upward as so that she would stared forward, past the palace ground, past the city,

past the rural lands, past the port and past grandfather's statue.

'Can you see grandfather standing in front of those little boats?'

Despite that she was too young, she could already understand words and phrases, however she

still had some problems uttering them out, so she liked to nod instead.

'Can you see that big blue beyond grandfather?'

She nodded again.

'What can you see after the big blue?'

This time she did not nod. She turned her head and gaze at him, confused.

'Try to look forward.'

She looked again. And again she saw only a large patch of big blue sky blurring or was it sharingits boundary with the vast blue ocean, with several countable clouds splattered on it. She shook

her head.

'Try again.' He grinned.

She squint her eyes hard; she was trying with all her might, so see what was after that big blue.

She closed her eyes and opened again, and then closed and opened again hoping that maybedoing so the something will change.

It wasn't helping. So, she shook her head again.

Then she saw something coming out from the invisible horizon, a very tiny and black dot with

black smudging line floating about it. She blinked and rubbed her weary eyes.How...did it...? Helet out a gentle laugh, 'Always look forward and beyond.'Beyond? His hand placed on her

shoulder. 'Think beyond even if there's boundary and overcome that boundary.' What boun-daa-riii? But it was weightless. 'Just like that little boat did.'

Why?


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He straightened up, his one hand still on her shoulder. 'That is what leaders do.' She looked up athim again. Lee-lee-dar...Lee-dar?

'That is what our nations need.'

-x-

Once, her mother took her to the darkest slum that they could find in the capital.

She did not like there too. The place was dark, wet and dirty, and the people there looked scary.They were accompanying by a large sum of soldiers. Her father had ventured further in. She

knew that has something to do with grandfather. So, her mother took the liberty to show themsomething while they were here, but Zuko was weary so they did not wake him when they

arrived. She did not understand. Why here?

Her mother carefully placed Azula down on the ground. As soon as her shoes touched the damp

ground, her mother pointed her fingers at some of those people lying on the same damp groundshe was standing on. Azula furrowed. Somehow these people looked...sad.

'Can you see those people?' Her mother asked quietly.

Azula nodded uneasily.

'Do you know that they are in pain?'

She nodded uneasily again.

'Do you know why they are in pain?'

She did not nod her head. Why?

She looked at her mother, beseeching. Why?

Her mother gazed at her affectionately as if she knew what Azula was asking. 'Because there is a

lot of injustice in this world that cause them to suffer.' There was something is her mother's eyesthat made Azula thought she was sad.

In-just-tice...unfair...and...suffer...pain...

She opened her mouth. Her words were blocky and soft. She wasn't sure she got them right, butshe was curious what her mother was trying to say. 'How...how...to...help?'

Her mother smiled. She stretched out her hand and gently stroke Azula's hair. 'Do you know

what a hero is?'

He-row? Who he? Row what?


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She looked at her mother, confused. 'A hero is someone great. They give hope to them; they helpthose people to look forward for something life.' She paused. '-to look forward for their future.'

She lowered down and gazed gently into her confused amber eyes. 'And that is what we need.What we all need now.' And Azula saw something glittering in her mother's eyes. There was a

word that her mother just said. What was it?

Ho...Hop...hope.

Hope.

Yes, hope, somehow that word matched perfectly with what she was seeing in her mother's eyes.

-x-

It had been awhile and Azula thought that she understood what they were trying to tell to her, but

there was one part that still confused her. And so, she tiptoed to the highest height she could

possibly get and tugged both of their silkily smooth red robes, her amber eyes wide withcuriosity mingled with innocence and limited vocabulary, she asked, 'Lee-dar... same...same...ashe-row?'

They both looked down at her.

There was an uncomfortable silence,she was wrong? and she fidgeted uneasily.

But she continued to wait for their reply.

They looked at each other. There were small grins graced their face and they nodded their heads

as their hands gently stroke her top of her head. Both of them smiled at her, tenderly.

'Yes. Being a leader the same as being a hero.'

And little Azula will never forget that.

2.

He used to say, 'We need a powerful leader.' And she used to say, 'We need a compassionate

hero.'

Long ago, they used to tell her all sort of contradicting things.

Azula was confused. They once told her together that being a leader is the same as being a hero.

But things felt different now. At least from what she used to remember. For starters, they no


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longer smile together anymore. They no longer bring her and her brother to library togetheranymore. They no longer read stories to them together anymore. They no longer do anything

together anymore.

Their expressions no longer look as harmonious as they used to, each complimenting one another

like she used to remember anymore. The only time they share the same expression was whenthey look indifferent, during their quiet meals together. But they never fight, whenever her fatherspoke, her mother just nodded softly and whenever her mother spoke, her father just nodded

lightly.

Azula was confused and scared. They said contradicting things, but they never really contradicteach other. So, she still hoped, hoping that one day they return back to how they used to, back

the time where she once saw that smile.

And then one day, she was feeding the turtle ducks by the pond. Something caught her sight.

There was a lone turtle duckling struggling amongst the crowd trying to snatch the food that she

offered, but it was purposely pushed away from the crowd. Again and again it tried to thrustitself back into the multitude, but after a few tries, it apparently gave up.

It was perching by the far end of the pond.

She stood up and little steps by steps she walked towards that one turtle duckling. Swiftly andquietly she picked it up from the water. The startled turtle duckling quickly hides into its soft

shell. Curiously, she took peek into the dark hole. She tore a puny piece of bread and tried tostuff it into the hole-

A hand snatched rudely the turtle duckling away from her!

She looked up; brows closely knit at the man, her father. She pouted her mouth in detest. But hewas not looking at her. Another hand placed firmly on her shoulder. Without warning, he tossed

the turtle duckling with full swing of force, and it flew across the pond and-

Thud!

It hit hard one of those white walls. Its green house cracked and scattered. She wanted to rush to

its side, she tried to dash to that turtle duckling's side. But the hand that placed on her littleshoulder was so heavy that she could not move. Instead, she stood quietly there as she watched

the nearby servants quickly took the limp body and clean its broken shell. In mere seconds, every

traces of its existence were gone.

Gone.

And there was something in her eyes.


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'That is how weak must be treated.' He muttered. She looked up at him again because she knewthat he no longer like to lower his body anymore like he used to, not to her anyway, or to Zuko.

And because her father was a very tall man, so she could only see his goatee chin.

'Don't cry.' He sounded so unpleasant that it made her narrowed her eyes in confusion trying to

uphold that watery view as she continued to look up at him. He looked down at her. Her blurryamber eyes went wide.

His expression was sending a shadowy chill down her little body.

'Compassion is for the weak.' His voice was quiet yet those words that came out from his mouth

as though he was spitting them word by word. 'Remember that.'

She continued stared at him, as he turned around walked away slowly and quietly withoutlooking back once at the spot where the turtle duckling was gone.

It made her felt uneasy inside out. And her unease mingling with curiosity haunted her thatwhole day. So, that night, she turned to her mother, but her mother was busy tending her olderbrother who was much more confused than she already was. He had been crying whole day long.

'Hush, Zuko.'

She stood by the open door, and gazed at the looming darkness in it. Like many good girls, shewaited patiently for her mother to finish.

'Don't be afraid, Zuko.'

She heard a familiar humming in the darkness, so mellow yet full of sorrow, one that she had notbeen hearing a while. Suddenly, she found herself to be frightened, by what? She could not tell.

But she did not move, she continued to wait quietly and patiently for her turn.

And then there was only stretched silence.

'Mom...?' She cried out into the darkness. There was no reply. Quietly she made her way to herbrother's big bed. Her mother figure was not there, she was not sitting on the end of the bed. And

she narrowed her eyes.

She was sleeping beside her brother and she was smiling. A smile that Azula had not seen for a

long time, not even when her mother was with her, a smile that she only gives to her brotherwillingly, that same smile that she remember when she was smiling with her father together, long

time ago.

There was something in her eyes and in her heart.

And they made her felt so weak.


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'Mom...?" she cried again, tugging her sleeping mother. Her mother stirred a little, 'Azula?' andshe groggily sat up.

'I'm scared, mom.'

'Oh, come here, Azula.' Her mother gave her a long hug. 'It's all right, Azula. It's all right.' Sosimple, 'Now go back to sleep.'Just like that. But she was not satisfied. That mysteriouslydreadful feeling did not go away, instead it grew. She still feels empty. She still feels weak. She

still feels scared. But she obeyed anyway. She made her way back to the door.

'Mom...?'

She paused at the doorway.

'Yes, Zuko?'

Her hands rolled into little balls.

'Is it wrong to care...? Be-because that turtle duckling...I saw today... no-no one even bother-

'Hush, Zuko. It's not wrong to show compassion to others.' Compassion? She was showingcompassion to her? Her fists quivered. Love... ...Love is same as compassion, right? She turned

around and looked into the darkness. She saw a silhouette lowered down and touched her lips ona small figure's head.No, not that simple.

And it hurt.

'Compassion is for the weak.'That voice echoed again, that expression flashed again. And shesaw that turtle duckling squeaking and then-

Gone.

Gone.

GONE.

Something in her cracked.

'That is why, you must be strong, and that is why you must be powerful.'

Their smile that etched so deep in her memory was suddenly being eaten away so quickly only to

be replaced by her father's harsh expression. 'Compassion is for the weak.'The voice was coldand hard.

From that day onwards, she had decided that she will not become a compassionate person. She

will not need compassion. She will not be weak.


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And it will remain like that for a very very long time.

3.

He used to say 'You are going to be a great leader to our nation' to Azula and she used to say

'You are going to be a great hero to our nation' to Zuko.

Not long ago, they use to tell them all sort of things.

They used to tell all sorts of differently things to each of the siblings, to Azula and to Zuko. They

would usually take the time to care for their own chosen child, even if they are busy, even if oneof them was gone.

'Hero?' she lifted her eyes from her scroll. That was one term she had not been hearing for a long

time. Apparently her brother was intrigued by some stupid stories, her pathetic uncle had beenbrainwashing him with.

'Hero is the same as leader!'

She placed down her scrolls and shot a sympathetic glance at her brother. 'Don't be so naive,Zuzu.' She shook her head as she continued to smirk. 'Hero is never the same as leader.'

'Who told you that?'

She rolled her eyes. 'Oh come on, you don't have to be a genius to know the difference.' But she

did not bother to explain, she continued reading that boring scroll detailing about thegeographical maps of Water Tribes. The Southern Water Tribe is usually located at bearing ...

She raised her brow. Why do they even care about recording bearings about where the WaterTribes are? They could waterbend land whenever they want. And they are always north or south.

Whoever wrote this scroll is a nutcase and whoever reading it is a fool.

Immediately, she burned the scroll and took another scroll.

There was a moment of pause. She knew that he was staring at her. But he resumed anyway. 'If

you're so clever, what would you want to be?'

'A leader. A great leader.' She replied without looking up. The greatest skill of bending in anyelements is not wasting any excessive energy while bending. This sounded promising.And to

achieve that goal, the easiest way is not to bend them at all, by not bending, one will need notfind his self grasping for air and he will has a lot of energy to fight with his fis-


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'So you want to be a great hero after all.' What the- How did such scrolls manage to elude its wayhere?

'No. A great leader is not same as a great hero.' She burned that ridiculous scroll. Why are there

so many idiots in this world?

'Then, what kind of leader you want to be?'

She looked at him; she knew he would react if she told him that she wanted to be 'A Leader that

knows no compassion.'Just like Dad.

It was her brother's turn to laugh. 'What hero is that? A great hero supposed to be compassionate!That's what mom used to tell me.'

She let out a weary sigh. 'It's not. Like I said, skull brain,Hero is never the same as leader.'

'Oh yeah? Then, why they called Uncle a Hero? They even nicknamed him as The Dragon of theWest.'

'Yes, he used to lead, but now look at him, he's a sad old loser who has no life except tea

drinking and pai sho day in day out, what kind of leader is that? The only times he ever leads areduring a bunch of teapot losers' parties.'

'...Then- then, what about dad? He's the Fire Lord and they all proclaimed him as our nation

hero!'

She almost smacked her head. 'Are you serious, Zuzu? How old are you? Five? Six?'And that

was even beforeshe

left. 'They proclaimed him as the hero because they had to. Did you notrealise that in the entire history of Fire Nation, all those deadFire Lords loved to be called as

heroes of the nation. And Dad's no different.'Hypocrite. 'You know that more than I do.'

And she knew she finally hit the silencing jackpot. He opened his mouth and closed it again, andopened it again, but there was not voice coming out from it. He was obviously speechless. And

she smirked at him victoriously. You lose. He lowered his head, his balled hands quivered. Thesilence lingered. It was enough; she could now just continue with her another-

'No! I'm going prove it to you!'

She sighed. 'Prove what?'Her grin had wavered; her nut brain brother was testing her patiencelong enough. 'To prove that you are a hero or leader?'

'Both.'

She paused and looked at him, what he was saying was something that cannot be true, a hero

could not be a leader and a leader could not be hero, because of the opposing qualities they


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So, she was an official leader now.

But being a mere official leader was not enough. She needed to be agreat leader. That was whatshe was supposed to do, that was what she had determined to do, long time ago, and she would

not stop there, and she would continue to climb her way up.

Her chance finally came when her father granted her the chance to go out, beyond the boundaryof the big blue, to hunt her brother and drag him back. Within that seemingly small task laid

another opportunity, the opportunity to hunt the Avatar, and following behind that opportunitywas Ba Sing Se, an enormous city that never breaks.

She smirked again.Everything was perfect.

And so, she captured that city and zapped the Avatar and inducedher brother back. It was alldone nicely in that one timely chance. Within few months, she found herself back at the Fire

Nation's Capital with her scar face brother. Her people welcome them with such open arms. They

roared, they cheered, they shouted. They celebrated. Fireworks flew up into the sky and-

'-the heroes of the Fire Nation!'

She narrowed her eyes. They were giving them the hero welcome. They were supposed to giveher a future leader welcome. She swivelled her head and looked at her silent brother. He did not

smile, his expression was blank. Instead he just gazed below, his fists tightened. He did not seemto care.Fine. She will deal with that later. She resumed her glance at the seemingly endless

fireworks.

It didn't matter.

The most important thing was that she was one more step closer to being what she was told thatshe was going to be. She felt more triumphant than ever before. Her smirk grew.

Yes, he was right.

She was going to be a great leader to their nation.

4.

He used to say, 'On the day Sozin's comet arrive, we will finally emerge victorious! We will

finally be the world's true leader!'

Andshe said nothing. Not anymore. She could no longer hear whatshe used to say. She wasgone. No one's here to tell her anything that will contradict his words. Not Anymore.

Awhile ago, he used to tell her that everything that they ever dreamed of will finally come true.


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He used to tell her that how close they were in fulfilling their ancestors' dream; that hundred

years old dream that had been governing their lives is coming to a close end and a new start. So,

they were so close. So close to dominate the world. She was so close. She was so close to attain

the things she had been pursuing since that incident. She was so close to be the great leader totheir nation.

So close.

But she was losing his attention. He no longer see her the way he used to see, instead he saw her

with the same frown he used on her unfavoured brother. He did not bother to witness herascension into the Fire Lord. He even left her to scorch the Earth Kingdom land all by his self!

And that was her idea to begin with! It was all because she had lost her pet brothe-

Family.

She paused, and looked around. There was no one.

-brother to begin with. She had lost two of her most useful underlings. After what she had done,

after what they had been through, they would dare to defy her because of her brother? Insolentfools! They were trai-

Betrayal.

She paused again, and looked around once more. Nothing.

The place was supposed to be empty. She couldn't trust anyone, not anymore. She shook herhead and narrowed her amber eyes. Blue flame spout from her palm and she threw them to the

unlit candles at corners of the room.

No one. Nothing. Empty.

So close.

She had decided that in order not to lose anything anymore, she will have to be the first to

eliminate these unreliable things. She disbanded unfaithful The Dai Li, banished her oldannoying advisers, exiled her worthless servants and just when she thought that she was finally

safe, in control, then suddenly her own hair disobeyed her! They were all out of her control.Things that she could not control must be locked up, banished, eliminated!

ELIMINATED!

Swiftly, she took something sharp and her annoying bangs were gone. And she felt somewhat at

ease.


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In control.

She laughed.

Only then she could finally be certain that she will not loss anything again. A little while more, a

little bit more and she will finally-

'Such a waste.'

Knit her brow so ever tightly.

Who-

She turned around and glared, hard.No. It couldn't be...it couldn't... Something in her hand

slipped away and fell on the crimson carpet, quietly.

'You had such a beautiful hair.'

She was there!

How-

'Why are you here?' She spat, her eyes narrowed into mere slits.

'Can't a mother see her daughter's coronation?' She was mocking her, but hervoice sounded so

mellow yet full of sorrow.

She snorted in disgust. 'Don't make me laugh. What do you care?'

The lady's expression softened. 'Azula, you don't have to do this.'

That look, that pathetic look of pity! That lady was showing her that same compassion, again!

That same compassion! She turned around quickly against her. She should not face her. Shemust not face her! She should not be here. She was branded a traitor. She was banished!

So close.

'Do what? The only thing you ever care was Zuko. I'm just a monsterto you.' Even after so long,

that word still tasted so bitter in her own mouth.

What is wrong with that child? And Azula heard that.

She heard that clearly.

'You are wrong, Azula.I do care.'


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Her narrowed amber eyes widened. That tone. She knew that tone elsewhere, she knew that toneall too clearly, the tone that that lady only uses when she was with her traitor brother, when she

was hiding behind the long tapestry's dark shadow watching them, so long ago.

No.

No!

'I do care, but maybe I did not try hard enough.' She paused. 'I'm sorry.'NO!

There were some things in her eyes. Stop. Those, those things shouldn't be there, they should

only be present in those lowly peasants' eyes, begging for mercy. Stop. She mustn't let them flowout... Stop. But they were ignoring her. Stop. They were flowing down her cheeks. She couldn't

control them. Her feet staggered, her body quivered. But that lady continued to talk. Stop, please.

'But know this, my daughter,' STOP.'I had always love you,' STOP! 'No matter what you are.'STOP!

She was not supposed to say anything anymore!

Not here! Not Now! She can't be!

This wasn't fair!

'And I will always love you.'

With rage, she swiftly snatched the closest thing to her and tossed at that lady. And she tumbled

and shattered into pieces. That lady was gone.

So close.

This wasn't fair. She cried. This wasn't fair at all.

And on that fiery red day, she lost everything.

So close.

5.

Whenever someone says, 'Fire Lord Zuko is the most compassionate Fire Lord ever,' she wouldalways grin.

And it will go on in that way for a long time.

They used to say a lot of things.


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Now, both of them are no longer here. They can't tell her things anymore. They were both gone,gone on their separate paths: he, to be a powerful leader of a nation only to plunge faster than the

climb; she, to be a compassionate hero to her own vulnerable son only to be vanished without atrace.

Now, it doesn't matter to her anymore.

She looks at her coarse hands. She had climbed to the tallest peakof the world. Swiftly she snaps

her fingers, a red flame sparks out of the noise and form above her fingers. And she had plungedinto the darkest slums of the world. The flickering red fire shifts into blue blaze.

'I see you are here.'

She turns around.

An old man appears from the veil that separates the inner part and the outer part of the structure.

His hands clamps together in front of his belly hiding themselves under his long sleeves. His faceis relatively merry.

Her fingers withdraw back into a fist. 'Don't worry, I won't burn this place.' Nonchalantly, she

places her fists down on the wooden table. 'There.' Her lips curve upward in an unnoticeablefraction. 'I'm here for another purpose.'

The old man looks at her, despite his merry looking face; she knows that he is thinking

something else. So, she waits.

And then he grins. 'I do hope you are here for what I hope you will finally do.' His voice is quiet.

She feigns huff in soft exasperation. 'I'm here. What more can you hope?'

'What more can I hope?' He asked in return. His smile grew so wide that his teeth had already

occupied almost half of his face. 'I only hope that you will do as what my heart is hoping themoment you came here.'

She sighs in light annoyance, while shaking her head gently. 'You know, it's not like I will be

running away again.'

His smile fades just a fraction, just. 'Perhaps.' Then, he raises his brow as he looks at her

amusedly. 'I heard that Aang had been quiet busy, travelling here and there trying to collect thosesky bison whistles that weresomehow fallen into the innocents' hands.'

Oh? She smirks. So he knows.Then there's no need to deny that. 'I heard that he had been

leading a rather slow and peaceful yet somewhat lazy life bombarded by solitude and boredomand a little disappointmentin the high mountains of the Air Nomads.'


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She noticed his eyes waver a little, just a little. 'Ah, yes, Toph told me about that. Meditations,hoping for someselfdiscovery, she said.' But he does not elaborate further.

Figures.

She shrugs light-heartedly. But there's no need to admit either. 'Perhaps the culprit was trying tore-motivate the Avatar's dying spirit.'

'Oh?' his hawk eyes still watching keenly, mouth still smiling.

She leans back on the chair and crossed her legs. 'The people told me it's been awhile since they

saw him. So maybe, that culprit decided that it would be nice to see him flying here and thereonce in awhile.'

Once again, he is in one of his frequent ponders with his intense eyes still latch so tightly unto

hers. She knows that he was seeking something, something unpleasant, something dark,

something deceitful, but she has nothing to be afraid.Not anymore. So, she gazes boldly backinto his eyes. She has nothing to hide.

For the next few seconds, there is only taut stillness between them. None of them falter. And so,

the silence stretched on.

Suddenly, he grins in relief as he relaxes his brow; his gigantic smile grows back on his face. 'Or,perhaps, the culprit finally found herown sense of righteous humour.' His voice is playful yet

sincere. And she likes that.

She laughs heartily. 'Maybe.' Her voice sounds like little bells ringing crisply in her ears. And

she likes that too. 'But aren't we a little off topic?'

'Oh, yes, yes, I'm sorry; I'm too easily carried away by thegood news.' He readjusts his smile intoone of those finely composed mock grin. 'So what do you need?'

She throws a glance at the table full of tiny packages with various colourful labels pasted on

them, some are delicate, and others are fancy, few are elegant and piles behind them is a loneridiculously plain bag.I don't need to be a leader. She gazes back up to the old man, who has

been humming merrily by himself the moment she stares at those little bags.I don't want to be ahero. Her grin grows.

Now, she says, 'What I need, uncle,' she pauses, she thought she heard her uncle made a suddensharp intake of breath, obviously holding his breath while anxiously waiting for her answer, hersmile grows wider and her voice more determined than ever, 'is just a cup of hot jasmine tea.'

And he shrieks happily in agreement.

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i Don't Want to Be a Hero