I Am NOT A Vampire!

8/8/2019 I Am NOT A Vampire!

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Page 250 (Erenthal)

Outside, the mob is waiting. From your rather limited experience with these sort of things, you cant

tell if its a normal-sized mob or not, but you have to admit, with some apprehension, that there are

a whole lot of people down there. You have no problem believing that the whole damn village has

gathered on your lawn. As soon as they see you, they all start clamoring at once. Theres the

vampire! He took my goat! one of them shouts, clutching a frayed rope.

He took my cow! a decrepit old woman cries, tears streaming down her face

He savaged my daughter! a fat man with a soiled butchers apron exclaims, a blonde buxom young

woman under his arm. She smiles at you, giggling.

I am not a you start, only to be shouted down. Seriously, I know it can look A eerie silence

suddely falls over the scene, as two men move through the crowd from the back. The mob parts,

letting them pass. As they get closer you notice that the newcomers seem to be wearing some sort ofbattle gear, complete with oversized shoulder pads and (quite terrifyingly) large crossbows. Both are

also absolutely bedecked with miscellaneous small items, such as crucifixes, various bottles and

scrolls. The whole effect would actually be rather imposing, if not for the fact that both men also

have the most ridiculous little goatees you have ever seen.

Gentlemen! you cry out in vain hope, You seem like reasonable, rational people! The good citizens

here seem to be laboring under the mistaken belief that I am some sort of mythical monster, a

Silence, fiend! the senior of the two men exclaims. My name is Charles Beaumont the Third,

knight of the holy orders and professional monster slayer. Heed the name well, abomination, for it is

the last one you will ever hear as you face thy end! he finishes; striking a pose that you suppose is

intended to be quite heroic.

And Im Tad Beau the second man begins, only to be silenced by a slap to the back of his head by

his brother. Grasping at straws, you throw your arms up. Look, whatever has happened, Im sure

theres a reasonable explanation for it, if we just take the time to

At every event attended by a mob, theres a moment where the outcome hangs in a fine and invisible

balance. Tilt too much to one side, and the mob will dissolve into grumbling malcontents that will

return home to rethink things. Too much to the other side, and someone ends up dangling from a

tree. At this precise moment of carefully balanced equilibrium, Igor shows up next to you on thebalcony.

A terrified scream goes up from the assembled villagers. He sends his ghoulish minions at us! Stand

fast! someone yells.

Look, another quickly adds, Hes covered in the blood of innocents!


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"Won't somebody stop this monstrosity?!" a thin waifish woman wails.

Feeling fate, life and hope slipping from between your fingers like so much sand, you turn around,

even though you already know what you will find. Igor has the same subservient and empty look on

his face as always. Its also, very visibly, covered with blood. Seeing the unspoken question on your

face, he shrugs. Nothebleed, thur. Itth the dry air.

Fate slams down on the scale with the force of a five ton whale. You want to say something, but you

can only manage a strangled mockery of human language. Ffffffuck, you choke out. With dual

'twang', two crossbows fire in unison. Luckily, their aim is slightly off, and two shivering bolts embed

themselves in the doorframe. You wisely decide to hightail it out of there, before they reload.

Grabbing Igor by the scruff of his unwashed neck, you forcefully drag him inside. Slamming shut the

door, you race down the carpeted stairs.

What do the hell do we do now?! you ask no one in particular, breath ragged in your throat. Like

most normal people, youve never actually prepared any escape plans from your house, an oversight

that at this particular moment is quite aggravating. A massive impact rocks the entrance doors,causing dust to fall from the shelves lining the room.

I think theyve got a battering ram, thur. Igor helpfully explains. A second later, theres the sound

of glass splintering upstairs. From the west wing, a faint orange glow begins to grow.

Shit, shit! My famous collection of stuffed bats! you cry, as the first wafts of smoke begins to assail

your nose, a mixture of burning formaldehyde and singed carpet. Then Igor tugs on your sleeve. Ill

hold here, thur. You have to get out, he says. In his tiny piggish eyes, you see something you dont

think youve ever seen before. Determination. Bracing his misshapen back against the doors, he digs

his feet into the carpet. Dont worry about me thur, he adds. You nod gravely, and then start

backing away towards the rear of the house. Not really knowing why, you also grab your favorite

ivory-handled cane from its stand near the door. The head is shaped like a caped bat, a choice that at

this point seems rather ironic.

You pause in the rear dining hall. The rhythmic pounding of the battering ram still reverberates

through the whole building, but its a lot quieter here. Then, with a shower of glass, a man stumbles

through one of the panoramic windows. Its one of the villagers, and hes clutching a rather crude

looking club as he shambles towards you. Hes obviously roaring drunk, but you cant tell if its on

mob justice or that awful plum wine they brew down in the village. Seriously, that thing could be

used as pipe cleaner. Swinging at you, the drunk grunts something unintelligible. Deftly sidestepping

his clumsy blow, you crack him on the bald spot with your cane, causing him to tumble to the groundin a faintly sour-smelling heap. Think, think, think! you mutter. Theres got to be some way out of

here!

The first thing that comes to mind it that you suppose you could put on the unconscious villagers

clothes and try to sneak out the broken window, making for the family cemetery just down the hill.

There, you could probably hide in one of the grotesquely oversized mausoleums that your family

seems to be so very fond off. However, theres no telling if the man you just knocked out was alone


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or if more of them had the same bright idea to go round the house.

Thinking further, you suddenly remember that your uncle had an escape tunnel built. The entrance

should be in the fireplace one room over, and the exit should be somewhere close to the abandoned

windmill. Though there is the issue of the badger infestation that your uncle never quite managed to

clear out.

Or, and as the thought forms in your head you realize that youre getting really bloody desperate,

there is the matter of that giant kite in the attic but by now the fire might have reached it.

DO YOU:

Sneak out the window in disguise? Turn to page 45.

Try the possibly infested tunnel? Turn to page 160.

Head for the attic and its dubious means of escape? Turn to page 99.

Page 99 (JGBeagle)

Having a grave fear of badgers, as well as a sensitive nose (that villager reeks), you figure the best

way out is up, up and away. Fleeing up the stairs to the attic, the smoke billows around you, blocking

your way to the attic door. Not wanting to suffocate, you cover your face with your cape and

continue to inch forward, reaching the door in no time. You swing open the door and make your way

up the stairs, careful not to trip. Once you are inside, you knock over a couple of old cabinets,

blocking the progress of anyone else who dares to follow you. You flip the light switch and dont

need to look that hard because you spot the kite instantly by its red and black coloring, as well as a

few barrels of gunpowder, why your uncle needed that, youll never now. You rush over to the kite,

noting the heat rising in the room. Knowing that youre running out of time before the attic goes up

in flames you grab the kite by the handle and make a run for the window and dive through it. The

crowd looks up in awe as you soar out as flames spew out the attic. As you look at the angry mob you

spot the two Beaumonts as one of them readies his crossbow. Your reflexes arent quick enough to

dodge the incoming projectile and the arrow pierces the kite. You spin out of control and you find

yourself about to hit a tree. The kite (and you) slams into the tree.

Good grief, you mutter as fall to the ground. You stand back up and assess the damage. The kite is

in no condition to fly and has somehow tangled itself up within the branches; there's no way you can

take it with you in time. You look back at the castle; its in flames at this point and the mob appears

to be coming your way. You look to your left and see nothing but trees. It might be your best bet as

the villagers fear the woods on the high number of wolves living in there (though they believe them

to be werewolves). You also notice an opening to the old sewer system, you coulddive down there

and perhaps escape that way (if you survive the smell that is). Or maybe you could go down the


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nearby road to your crazy old friend, the one who used to be a doctor of some sort.

DO YOU:

Flee into the forest? Turn to page 86.

Dive into the sewers? Turn to page 75.

Head to your friends place? Turn to page 309.

Page 309 (Hbomberguy)

You decide that visiting your doctor friend will be far more helpful than a forest full of wolves, and far

more pleasing in odour than the sewer. It is not until you've creeped through the deserted cobble

streets and knocked on his front door that you realise you were wrong on the second count. You try

not to sputter too loudly for fear of drawing attention to yourself, but you almost vomit. No time to

turn back now, though, because you already knocked - and many childhood summers spent in Uncle

Vlad's keeping have taught you that politeness is the highest skill any man can hope to attain.

The door slowly creaks open, and a bushy white head of hair you could lose a comb in pokes around

the crack in the doorway to observe you. The man's eyes recognise your cape and cane, and the door

is flung open.

"My friend!" He cries, "It's been too long! Are you coming in?"

"I'd better," you reply, "Before anyone sees. There's an angry mob-"

"Oh, I KNEW this would happen!" Interrupts the ex-Doctor, suddenly very frenzied in his outlook. "I

KNEW I should have never turned that abomination loose upon the outside world!" There is an

awkward silence as you wonder what the devil he means, and as he realises you do not know what

he is talking about.

"Oh dear. They're after you, aren't they?" He asks. You nod. In response, your old friend Victor

Frankenstein orders you into his home, promising to put the kettle on and explain everything.

Later, feeling a little better to be having tea with an old friend, you listen to Victor's tale.

Which begins unrelentingly the instant you sit down.

"When I gave him life, I thought I had become a modern Prometheus and brought light to where

there was none. To think, I have brought a new being into existence from utterly nothing! But verysoon after, the problems began..."

He trails off and stops for a moment. You try to ask him what this has to do with your own problems,

but when you open your mouth to speak he starts again.

"He was hideous. Of course, I could stand him, knowing what a miracle he was. But my clients - well,

whenever they saw him they would scream, and weep, and threaten to inform the world-famous

Bueamonts that a beast in human form is terrorising their village. From then, I tried to keep him

hidden from the world. Then the second problem started - he eats enough for eight men! Though I


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see the irony, since that's what I made him from, I was out of money within the month. I had nothing

to feed either of us."

"That really is terrible, but I need your help with-" You try to butt in, but you are ignored.

"I tried to put him to work in some well-paying job with little nearby competition. For a while I

believe he worked as a speech therapist. God help whoever hired him. I've heard rumours are going

around lately that he's been stealing whole animals in the night, cutting out the middle man in his

quest for nutrition. It's no wonder the Bueamonts have finally come."

"But they went after me." You query, spilling your drink on a little paper napkin. In trying to mop it

up, you can't help but notice the Doctor has scribbled some notes on it. In large, lipstick-pink script,

Victor has outlined a series of methods for befriending werewolves. You wonder if the woods really

do house such mythical creatures, and thank your stars you didn't try your luck there. You also

wonder if your friend's mental state has finally passed the point of no return.

"Hm. That's certainly a predicament you've got there. I assume our friendly neighberhood

whistleblowers never told them whom to go hunting for, so perhaps the hunter's own search led

them to you. I mean, let's be frank - you are a bit like a vampire."

"So you're saying this is all YOUR fault?!" You holler with a rage you didn't know you had. Your skin

crawls to think that your old friend would allow this to happen to you. For a man smart enough to

create life from nothing, he's certainly not too bright when it comes to not ruining his friend's lives.

This is a clear-cut case of mistaken identity! There MUST be a way I can clear my name!" You

demand.

"Well, if the Beaumonts are anything close to the hunters I've met before, they'll be stubborn

bastards who won't listen to anything but absolute proof. The body of my monstermightjust about

do it, perhaps. They really need to think up a better system of testing for innocence, but then again

hunters have always been notoriously bad bureacrats." Victor sips his tea and scrawls something on

the pad at his lap. You ask him worriedly if it's about werewolves.

"Oh, yes. They are my special friends, you see. Sometimes we eat rabbits out in the forest and they

tell me about the siege engines they've built and their supreme plan to overthrow humanity. "

DO YOU:

Decide to go searching for Victor's monster and attempt to clear your name? (Page 16)

Put the madman out of his misery? (Page 52)

Realise defecting to the werewolves is the only way to move forward? (Page 357)

Page 357 (big duck equals goose)

"Victor, tell me about the werewolves." you reply meekly while tapping a coffee cup onto metallic

gothic looking table set between you two.


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"Oh, yes! The Werewolves! Amazing people really, they seem to be covered in fur and enjoy nothing

more then building these amazing contraptions and marvelous mechanical objects! Wonders of

science, really. You would be amazed at what they can do! By the heavens, I saw one shoot fire

straight out of a cannon! It was amazing friend!" Victors eyes the whole time are as a big as dinner

plates.

"Are they good mannered people? Because, as a child, I always heard that Werewolves were these

malicious, terrible, and vile creatures that took children and helpless women into the night to eat."

With those words, you see Victor look surprised at your statement.

"Oh! No! Werewolves are actually quite a clean and prosperous people. Would you like to see one?"

Victor asks with a slight hint of a braggart.

"Do you think it can help with my problem? I would assume because the stereotypes placed on

werewolves nonstop that they might know what actually causes all these problems the villagers are

having."

"Oh, yes, of course. They are a wise and noble animal. Come, I keep one chained in my basement."

When Victor said this, you felt a cold chill. A chained werewolf? Would it be friendly? What does a

werewolf even look like? Removing his small floor rug, Victor shows you a small hiding latch which

leads to the basement. Following him down in a torch lite tunnel walk-way, you finally get to the end

of a hall and enter a room via a large wooden door.

The room is pretty small in size. There is a couple of book cases, a desk, a table with various surgical

tools on it, and a cage in the corner with a sheet covering it. On another side of the room there is a

small table with various nick-nacks and the like on it.

"Careful now, even despite being an amazing animal, I still don't know much about him. He could be

ferocious, so don't stick your hand in the cage or anything. I keep this blanket over the cage so he can

sleep. Behold!" Victor removes the sheet like a magician removing a cloth. Inside the cage, you

believe you don't see a werewolf, but instead an small naked man shaking in the cage.

"Uh... is that him? He doesn't look like a werewolf." You say stunned.

"Well, he's just not transformed. Come on you, transform for my friend here." Victor snaps wile

kicking the cage.

"I'm not a werewolf! For the last time, I'm Chinese!" You hear the man screech. From the sound of

his cries, it sounds like he hasn't had food for days. Inside the cage, it looks like he has been

somewhat abused. His hair shaggy and the smell coming from the cage is dreadful. You feel

immediate sympathy for him.

"Oh nonsense. Everyone knows you are a Werewolf. Now, listen Fenrir-"

"My name is Alex Lin!"


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"Fenrir, please. The name is just for my study. It's because you are a magnificent beast. I thought

today we could talk about your wonderful inventions."

You can't believe your eyes. This is a werewolf? It looks nothing like what you suspect a werewolf to

be. Hearing the conversation between the two, you believe Victor has lost his mind.

"What do you claim this contraption is again, Fenrir?" Victor softly speaks, walking over to a table a

pulling up something from the table.

"That's a tooth brush. Please! Let me go!"

"Tooth-Bruussh? Huh. How do you make it shoot the fireballs like I caught you doing on the road."

Victor asks while twirling it in his hands.

"That was a firework. They are not used for the same thing. Please, let me go." You can hear the man

softly weeping.

"Oh, he's fine. Don't worry about him. I feed him what werewolves require and he should be let back

out to his people here soon. As you can see, he is marvelous. Oh, but I take your time. Fenrir! My

friend has to ask you a question of which you could help him with. Go on, while he is up. Don't be

scared." Victor nudges you gently towards the cage. With all the insanity, you manage to bumble out

your story and the problems you face. Alex looks up to you from the cage listening behind watery

eyes the whole time.

"Please, help me escape! I know the Beaumonts, I am over here to deliver some words for them. Our

families have been friends for years, please let me go and we can both talk to them together and

straight this!" He cries. Victor just laughs and continues to twiddle the toothbrush in his hands.

"Oh, don't mind him. He's just fussy because he hasn't ate yet today. Don't worry, I'll feed him soon.

I'm sure his friends miss him and all, but you know, science."

Victor obviously has gone mad, but at the same time you get the feeling that Alex could be lying.

What if he is really a werewolf? I mean, it's possible, right? Still, if he was friends with the

Beaumount, that could be handy.

DO YOU:

Attempt to free Alex? (Page 11)

Go back to town and find the Beaumonts so you can tell them about the situation? (Page 38)

Tell Alex you know he is a werewolf and demand you get the truth from him? (Page 311)


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Page 11 (Daeren)

You turn to Victor with a scowl. "Now see here! This man is perfectly normal and I can prove it to

you!" You look around the room, and spot Victor's pet cat, Igor, napping atop a large shelf full of

skulls and fluids that you can't recognize. You call for him, and he opens his one good eye lazily,

flicking an ear dismissively. Damn cats.

Carefully, you approach the shelf as his eye remains fixed upon you. You slowly climb up the cabinet,

the bottles of liquid shaking as you pray that your diet worked. Victor opens his mouth to object, but

you're able to deftly grab Igor in one arm and leap down before any damage is done. Igor hangs

limply from your grasp like a wet dishrag, his twisted spine like a camel's hump. Life as the surrogate

guinea pig of a mad scientist is not a pleasant one, it seems. A low growl comes from his throat.

Gently, so as not to agitate the mangy curmudgeon, you carry Igor over to Alex's cage and dangle him

in front of it. Igor simply stares blankly at Alex, who is looking more confused than terrified at this

point. Triumphantly, you turn to Victor.

"See? If he was really a werewolf, he would instinctively try to chase Igor due to his canine genes and

ravenous hungers! Since neither reacted, he is obviously not a werewolf."

You desperately hope your pseudo-scientific explanation works as Victor looks back and forth

between Igor and Alex.

"Well...I can't really argue with that logic," Victor says after a moment. "But how do you explain the

slow but steady growth of hair as we approach the full moon?"

"You haven't let me shave in a week!" Alex pleads desperately. Victor ignores him as you search for

an answer.

"Who knows what inscrutable functions the body of a Chinaman has?" you say glibly, trying to

redirect his train of thought. "Clearly this a case of mistaken identity. You say homo lupus, I say homo

mongoliensis." Victor's expression turns to one of sorrow

"You mean I've been experimenting an Oriental this whole time, and not a werewolf?" he moans.

Alex nods vigorously, ignoring the blatant racism in favor of trying to get the hell out of his cage.

"Well, that changes things then! I've already done enough studies on the bodies of the common

Asiatic! Though from the results I've gotten from Fenris here, I may have to change my notes. " Victor

walks over to the cage and unlocks it with a massive ring of keys, opening the door. "Dreadfully sorry,

old boy, but you have done a magnificent service to science."

Alex scrambles out of the cage, throwing himself at your feet and wrapping his arms around you in a

stinky embrace. "Thank you!" he cries. "Thank you!!"


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You shuffle your feet as best you can with a sobbing naked man coiled around them. The awkward

silence is broken by Igor retching and hacking up a hairball. Victor coos happily and goes over to

inspect the wet, dripping ball of hair and rodent bones. You wisely take your chance and lead Alex

out of Victor's home after stea-err, borrowing some extra robes for Alex.

"You are a true friend," Alex says to you as you walk down the path. "That madman captured me

when my wagon broke down. He was certain I was a werewolf, of all things, just because I had some

wolves trying to scavenge the meat from my wagon! I think it should still be there. I hate to ask my

savior for another favor, but I am hardly fit enough to travel the woods alone tonight, and I need to

recover my wagon. Would you help me find it? I could share my supplies with you."

If you want to help Alex look for his wagon, turn to page 59. If you have already located Alex's wagon

on your journey, skip to page89 instead.

If you want to ask Alex to help you with your predicament, turn to page 91.

If you want to leave Alex to fend for himself, turn to page 66.

Page 59 (Feinne)

Youre pretty sure those villagers arent going to listen to anything you have to say without some

kind of ironclad proof that youre not a vampire, so you really might as well just help out Alex.

Okay, Alex, which way is your wagon?

Alex looks excited that youre willing to help him out, and suggests he had to abandon it about a mile

north near the rather melodramatically named Dark Wolf Forest. You mentally note it was probably a

bad idea to take a cart full of meat through a forest known for being dark and full of wolves but dont

mention it to Alex so as to not upset the only sane person not trying to kill you in the region.

Fortunately, it seems the superstitious villagers are just as afraid of the werewolves that are

supposed to live in the forest as they were of you, because you reach the overturned cart without

incident. Unfortunately, the wolves seem to have done in the donkey Alex had used to pull it and

consumed the meat he was carrying.

Trying to console Alex, you tell him, Well, its not all bad. I mean youre still alive, right?

Before he can respond, though, it seems as though that statement might have been premature. A

howl pierces your ears, and several pairs of eyes shine out of the moonlit darkness of the forest.

What will you do?

If you root around in the wagon for something to save you both, turn to page106


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If you grab Alex and run down the road, turn to page 31

If you push Alex down and run off alone, turn to page 153

Page 153 (TimothyDallas)

Fear sets in, and you doubt Alexs meat wagon has anything of use a pack of ravenous wolves wont

have already devoured. Running seems like the only option, and you worry Alex might just slow you

down. A quick glance towards Alex, his scared eyes beginning to well with tears, makes up your mind.

Youve saved his life, its high time he returned the favour.

Im so sorry, Alex, you lie.

He looks at you, confusion now etching itself on his face. About my cart? he asks. A pang of guilt

flashes over you, throwing this poor innocent person to save your own skin, and you wish you could

save him. This is quickly overcome by a much stronger desire to survive.

You shoulder barge Alex towards the glowing eyes, sending him crashing to the ground (Oh, thats

what youre sorry about!). You turn back the way you came and run like the wind. You realise Alex

has probably had a tough enough day already, but you have more important things to worry about,

and assure yourself his admittedly unwilling, rather forced sacrifice shall not be in vain.

You run. And run. And run. Dodging over rocks, darting through trees, hurdling fallen logs. Your cape

catches and snags and tears as you run, You cant hear anything chasing you, but you think you see

danger everywhere. Was that a wolf running past you? Is there another one behind that tree?

Theres more hiding in the bushes arent there? You even think you see some sort of hulking giant

lifting a tree at one point, but youre sure that must be your imagination.

Finally, you emerge from the woods, almost running cartoon-style straight off the cliffs at the edge.

You look down and see the village, and the smouldering wreck of your wreck of a mansion. The mob

of idiot villagers are simply standing around, looking a little bored and slightly impatient, clearly with

nothing else to do with after blaming you for the incidents in the village and their wanton property

damage. You resolve to start on figuring out just what is going on, just as soon as you can do sowithout the crowd hammering stakes through you. A little away from the crowd you see the two

Beaumont brothers, probably planning some other way to make your evening that bit more trying.

Alex crosses your mind. Perhaps sacrificing the one person who knew them and could possibly help

you wasnt such a good idea after all.

A howl comes from behind. The wolves! How did you forget? Cursing the fact that everyone and

everything is still trying to kill you, and while youre homeless no less, you look for possible escapes.


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Back into the forest would be the worst idea youve had all night, but you still have your trusty cane

in hand, you could probably fight off the wolves, and its away from the Beaumonts. You start

thinking if there might be something you could salvage from the ruins of your house, if only you

could get past the mob. There has to be something your uncle stashed in there, anything that might

have survived the fire. You have a furtive glance down the cliff as well, and spy a cave about halfway

down. Dangerous climb down, yes, but a good hiding spot, provided nothing else murderous is there

already.

Another howl. Better make up your mind, and fast...

If you decide to turn back into the forest, turntopage 52.

If you decide to chance the mob and return to the mansion,turntopage 255.

If you decide to hide in the cliffside cave, turntopage 117.

Page 52 (Erenthal)

Standing there on the precarious cliffside, listening to the wolves closing in, your slumbering

conscience suddenly kicks in with the force of a sledgehammer to the head. Damn it. Youre not a

monster, no matter what those superstitious villagers and those crazy Beaumont brothers claim. If

theres a chance that Alex is still alive, youre going to find and help him. You take a firm grip of the

cane and turn around, marching back into the woods with your newly discovered moral imperative

ringing in your mind like a church bell.

Later, you realize that while high minded moral purposes are good at many things, they suck at

helping you navigate pitch black woods. After stumbling and groping blindly through the

undergrowth for what seems like an eternity, your heart jumping into your throat every time theres

a rustle nearby, you finally concede that you are completely and hopelessly lost. Theres no sign of

the road, the wagon or of Alex.

Just as youre on the verge of panic you collide with something hard, a sharp pain shooting through

your legs. As you glance down, you are astonished to discover a rusty iron fence sticking up from the

moss and rocks. Its been long since overgrown with weeds and thistles, but the edges are still quite

sharp, as youve just discovered. Dislodging your pants legs from the ironwork, you curse asinventively as the situation allows. Thoughts race through your head at blinding speed. Whydo

fences have to beso pointy? Do wolvesenjoyironsupplements to theirmeals? Andwho the hell

builds afenceoutin themiddleofthegoddamnforest?The final question, at least, is rapidly

answered when you spot the distinctive square shape of a small cabin beyond the fence. Cautiously

moving closer, you see that, while dilapidated and in poor shape, the cabin is mostly intact and

seems solid enough. Maybe Alex found it and took shelter inside?


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Do you have an old lantern and wish to use it? If so, turn to page 64.

If not, go to page 244.

Page 244 (Erenthal)

The door, though stubborn at first, yields to a few solid blows from your shoulder.

Alex? you whisper as loud as you dare. Alex, you in here? Look, Im sorry about what happened

before, you continue, suddenly feeling really stupid. When youve just thrown a guy to a pack of

rabid wolves, sorrydoesnt quite cut it, does it? You call out again, only to be answered by compact

silence. Venturing deeper inside, things get weirder and weirder. Scores of animal skulls of various

species and sizes line the wall, along with other more esoteric items. Along the one of the walls

someone has lined up several large wooden barrels, all painted a deep blue. Cracking the lid on one,

you reel back as a caustic smell wafts up from the contents. You carefully dip a fingertip in it.

Naphtha? Youre suddenly very glad you didnt bring a torch or lantern, or this whole place would

probably have turned into one huge bonfire.

Looking around some more, you recover a small chest, hidden in plain sight under the fireplace. If it

had a lock once, its long broken, and it opens without resistance. Underneath a small piece of velvet

cloth is a leather bound book. Straining your eyes in the poor light you can barely make out the

writing on the cover, the ink having nearly been bleached out by exposure and wear. V.s diary? V

for Victor? In your excitement over this discovery you drop the chest, and it clatters to the floor,

spilling its remaining contents. This, to your horror, includes several pairs of human teeth and a

bloody, very brutal looking knife. At the same time, you hear something moving behind you.

Spinning around like some middle-eastern dervish, cane in hand, you at first see nothing but a pair of

glowing eyes and massive glinting fangs. Then the moon returns from behind the clouds, revealing

the whole scene. In front of you, and looking as surprised as you probably do, is a prime example of

melusmelus, or the common badger. Relaxing, you lower the cane.

Hey there, big fella, you say. The badger chirps. Chirps? Are badgers supposed to chirp? Hell if you

know, you arent some sort of badgerologist, after all.

You gave me quite a scare, you know? you say, sitting down. Feeling around in your pockets, youre

delighted to discover that youre still carrying around a biscuit from earlier today. You break of a

piece and toss it to the animal, who responds with a happy chirp.

Do you have a name? If not, Im going to call you Vlad, after my uncle. You kinda look like him, what

with the overgrown teeth and all. I always told him he should see a dentist.


14/39

Suddenly your world goes dark, as a pair of strong wiry hands wraps themselves around your face.

The smell of blood and fur fills your nostrils, along with gunpowder?

Got you now, you son of a bitch! Alex howls as he clings to your back with all his might. Leave me

to the wolves eh!? he shrieks, kicking you full force in the kidneys. Vlad chirps in distress. In the

commotion, the fragile diary gets torn to pieces. Tearing at your assailants hands you blindly run out

of the cabin, narrowly missing the door frame, Alex still attached to your back like an angry Chinese

leech.

Im sorry! you shout, trying to shake him off, Im allergic to wolves! I didnt mean to leave you!

And Im allergic to being bitten by wolves! he screams, his knees squeezing tighter around your

waist.

Then youre upside down, rolling down a gently sloping hill like two overgrown children playing at

wrestling. With a painful jolt you come to a halt, the wind knocked straight out of you. Groaning, you

clamber to your knees, clutching your aching ribs. In your left hand youre still holding what remainsof the diary, by now only the leather cover. A few feet away Alex is lying, apparently unconscious.

Hes in a terrible mess, blood all over and his clothes torn to shreds. Kneeling down next to him, you

check his breathing. Nothing. Be calm, you tell yourself. Youve read about this in a book somewhere.

The face-to-face method? Kneeling, you put your mouth next to his, exhaling strongly. His chest rises

imperceptibly, and the blood of several species mixes in your mouth.

Behold! The fiend has claimed another victim!

Shitshitshitshit. Glancing over your shoulder, you see Charles Beaumont, his ridiculous goatee

glistening with wax, standing over you, accompanied by his smirking brother and apparently most of

the village. No, no, no this is NOT what it looks like, you plead, Alexs blood running down your

lips.

Thats what they all say, hellspawn, Charles says, racking his crossbow.

Yeah, they all say th ooowch! Tad Beaumont chimes in, before another smack from his brother

silences him yet again. You decide to quietly resign yourself to your fate. A stake isnt that bad, after

all. Its probably quicker than most ways to go, once they hammer it in. Closing your eyes, you wait

for the inevitable.

Just as you imagine the wood prodding your skin, a mighty howl splits the night air. As you open youreyes again, you see a pack of very hungry wolves charging into the crowd, bowling several of the

townsfolk over. A particularly large beast, foaming at the mouth like one of those modern steam

powered dishwashing appliances, throws itself over Charles Beaumont, knocking the large man to

the ground. Tad screams and takes off in full flight, two of the animals chasing him. Standing up to

survey the scene, you see nothing but absolute mayhem. If you ever wanted to slip away, nows your

chance. Some of the men, braver than the others, are fighting back with axes and clubs, wolves

howling in pain as the villagers lay into them. On the ground next to you is Charless crossbow,


15/39

dropped in the fall. Charles himself is still pinned under the snarling beast, fighting just as viciously as

it. Finally, out of the corner of your eye you see a small canine shape with large claws, softly chirping,

dragging a bunch of crumbling pages in its mouth and heading towards the river.

DO YOU:

Pick up the crossbow and help Charles and the villagers, hoping to earn their trust? Turn to page 147.

Run away now that you have the chance, and confront Victor about your discoveries? Turn to page5.

Follow Vlad the Badger, attempting to recover more of what could very well be vital evidence? (Or a

good recipe for fish soup) Turn to page 88.

Page 88 (The Saddest Rhino)

You consider your current situation. As of now, you have a whole village who disapprove of your

fashion sense wanting you to burn, a pack of wolves wanting to have you for dinner, an unconscious

Chinese who wants to crunch your bones for some oriental aphrodisiac, a vigilante wanting to put a

stake through your heart, and said vigilantes brother wanting to honestly, you have no idea what

that guy wants. Your only friend now - if you discount Victor who may or may not be a maniacal serial

killer - is scampering away from you.

You pick up your cane, and with the lightest of feet, run after Vlad. The snarls of wolves continue

behind you. Vlad, you whisper while making the same lip-smacking sounds you do when you fawn

over your stuffed bat collection, Im coming, Vlad. In the darkness, you hear a small chirp and press

on. As you pace further away from the crowd, sudden flashes of light illuminate the forest. You look

back without stopping, and see the sky lit with colours. Apparently someone found the fireworks in

Alexs wagon

Suddenly, gravity is no longer in your favour. You yelp as your left foot is lifted from the ground. In

nary a second you are hanging upside down from a tree, your foot caught in a rope trap. With

another loud bang, Alexs firework shone through the forest, and you could see Vlad catching the

rose fluttering off your lapel. At a corner of your eye you see too the fleeting shadow of a humanoid

figure swinging a large object at your head.

Everything becomes night, and you see nothing.

Turn to Page 19.


16/39

Page 19 (The Saddest Rhino)

Vlad comes off your shoulder reluctantly as you hand it to Victor. Just a few minutes and Ill be

back, you persuade, though it does not seem convinced. You straighten your back for Alex to put on

your cape and hat. With cane in hand, you dismiss them, and walk out to the balcony of your castle.

The crowd below you halts to a silence upon your basking in their presence.

You wave your hand, and the village screams in ecstasy. Some have fallen to the ground, while most

are kneeling down, their faces bright with admiration. You smile.

you want a bucket on hi you hear faintly.

The water in your moat rises up against gravity, and crashes into your castle.

You awake with a startle, and find yourself seated, your whole body wet and smelling of something

foul. As your vision gets used to the light, you can make out two figures one large and the otherconsiderably diminutive.

Ah, there you are! The short one pushes his face to you and speaks, his saliva splashing on your

face. Terribly sorry for all that. You see, my man-ape hybrid here, Gor-Gor

Im no monkey, nor derived from one, you godless scientist! the larger one yells.

Descended, Gor-Gor. Dee-send-ded. Perhaps I should not have fixed you with a brain of a

godfearing man with a lisp. My mistake. The larger one just grunted in reply. Ignoring him, the short

man continues spluttering at your face. Anyway, awful, awful business. Gor-Gor thought you were a

man-bat hybrid. A wild one! And I got so excited only to discover youre just a common vampire.

I am NOT a you started, but the short man continued babbling. Well, its a shame, because I

really did not know if they exist naturally. I mean, evolution and everything. Works in strange ways.

Oh, have I introduced myself? He hands you a card. Vincent Moreau. Human-Animal Hybrid

Inventor/Eugenics Alchemist. Call me Vinnie.

Vinnie? Your vision clears, and you see before you the diminutive figure sitting on a high stool calling

himself Vinnie is, in fact, not a Vincent Moreau. You know this because what he handed to you is

the registration card for a Local Veterinarian named Vincin Myoocus. And Gor-Gor well, to be

fair to Vinnie, he does look a little like an ape.

Oh, and you are tied up in a chair. Terrific.

A familiar chirp sounds from below you, and Vinnie jumps off his stool with considerable glee. When

he got back up again to face you, Vlad is snuggling comfortably in his hands while Vinnie removes the

remnants of Vs diary from its teeth. Vinnie V oh. I see you have met Mr Badger! He tells you.

Mr Badger is a badger-cuckoo hybrid


17/39

Young badgers chirp, you bleeding heart liberal!

Oh, Gor-Gor, you and your funny way of thinking. I dont even know where he comes up with his

vocabulary. You confess you have no idea, either. But back to Mr Badger. Ive stationed him in my

laboratory to take care of my work and my notes, but it appears that you, you horrible vampire, you

have taken to yourself to burn down the whole forest and my lab is now ruined! All my work, now

ashes and dust! If it were not for Mr Badgers keen intuition my notes too would have succumbed.

Well, its a good thing he procured He waves one of the pages in your face as he screams, my

man-bat hybrid lab notes! And what wonders I shall do upon you! Now, if you excuse me, Gor-Gor

and I have to obtain some instruments to use on you. Youll be marvelous. You'll be fabulous.

Perhaps you may even fly.

And just as sudden as his outburst, Vinnie hops off his stool in a huff. You see Gor-Gor already

climbing up a ladder at a corner leading to a trapdoor in the ceiling, and Vinnie following suit. The

trapdoor shuts with a sickening thud.

You instinctively move your arms, only to realize that Gor-Gor, despite being a surprisingly good

linguist, never scored any badges for tying up knots. You quickly undo yourself and survey the room.

It is a rather bare basement. A large table stands behind Vinnies stool, and on it you see a mole and

a rat in what looks like a poorly-made replica of a Victorian house. A toad croaks as it sees you

approaching it, but cannot move due to it being stuck into a childs toy car. Vlad, or Mr Badger, is on

the floor chewing up the man-bat hybrid notes that Vinnie apparently forgot.

There is a box on the table. You open it and see a lump of black, half-burnt objects.

Your heart sinks upon the realization of them being your stuffed bat collection.

As you mourn, you hear something. Whispers? You cannot be certain where they were coming from,

but you do not see anyone in the room with you other than the animals.

Do you:

Wait for Vinnie, or Gor-Gor, to return? Turn to Page41

Attempt an escape? Turn to Page 392

Investigate the whispers? Turn to Page 5


18/39

Page 5 (Command Ant)

Having long since recognized your better judgment as more of a detriment, you decide to hold off on

escaping just long enough to find the source of the incessant whispering. Fortunately, with Vlads

help, it doesnt take long to find the source of the whispering. In the corner of the room, there is a

small, dented old phonograph, sitting next to a wicker basket and piece of paper with the words

GHOST COBRA DO NOT AGITATE written beautifully on them.

Ghost cobra?! you say aloud in confusion. Almost as if on cue, the unsecured top of the wicker

basket flies off, and what appears to be a cobra with a white cloth over its head rears up. You and

Vlad immediately freeze as the cobra jerks it head around and makes the angriest noises you have

ever heard come out of anything. Out of all of the people and animals you have come across tonight,

this one is probably the most agitated. Thankfully, the cloth over it seems to be lacking any eyeholes.

You begin to slowly moving away, hoping that Vlad will follow your lead.

Dontmooooooooooooooooove!

A harsh whisper comes from behind you. You quickly turn around to see Dr. Moreau, who had

entered the basement while you were distracted.

Thats a ghost cobra, Moreau quietly and tensely exclaims. Gor-Gor found his corpse in a wagon

ransacked by werewolves. The cloth and the Mongolian whisper music were supposed to make him

feel more at home. However, in my haste, I had foolishly forgotten that ghost cobras hate vampires!

If we do not find him a ghost mate soon, he will curse us with-

I am not a vampire and this animal clearly isnt dead, you lummox! you yell angrily. The vibrations

of your indignant insult alert the cobra to your presence, and it instinctively lunges towards you.

Fortunately, the cloth over its head provides enough of a handicap that it completely misses you and

flies fangs-first towards Moreau. In a moment of improbable luck, Moreau is able to grab the cobra in

mid-air. It promptly wraps most of its body around his arm and doubles its efforts to bite anything

and everything.

Help! Moreau shrieks in terror. A ghost cobra is attacking me! Almost on cue, Gor-Gor clumsily

tumbles into the basement. Rather than looking remotely concerned, however, he is absolutely

furious.

LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND IN THE FURNACE! he bellows, holding a collection of burnt papers in his

chunky hands, his lumpy face twisted with rage. As burnt as they are, you can still tell that they areburlesque pictures of plump women. Rather than helping the doctor, Gor-Gor rushes at him and

begins hitting him with his own pornography. ITS GARBAGE AND I WONT HAVE IT IN THIS HOUSE!

Gor-Gor yells as he pummels both the doctor and the furious cobra with the dirty pictures.

You immediately recognize the strange scene playing out before you as the best chance you are

going to get to escape, but not without Vlad. As you reach for him, you pause, remembering Alex.

Even if he was clearly smuggling fireworks and venomous snakes, you cannot avoid feeling pangs of


19/39

guilt from abandoning him twice. As you wonder if your conscience can handle abandoning another

person, you notice Vlad chirping as he paws at a hatch on the floor. A sub-basement, perhaps? Why

would Vlad be so interested in what is down there?

DO YOU:

Pick up Vlad and flee the basement? Turn to page81

Help the doctor? Turn to page 27

Open the trap door and follow Vlad? Turn to page 102

Page 102 (Artix74)

This is the second time you've found yourself at wit's end tonight, no thanks to being called a

vampire, and you're just about sick of it. While Moreau is preoccupied with the "Ghost" Cobra and

Gor-Gor burning his pornography, you realize that this is your best chance to get the hell out of here,

but you can't help but wonder what has Vlad's attention.

Realizing that logic hasn't really gotten you that far tonight, you pry open the trap door, hoping to

find something that can get you out of this mess, because really, when was the last time a badger led

you wrong?

"Stop!" Moreau yells as he briefly turns away from the Cobra, but you quickly dart into the

subbasement before he can stop you. Once inside, you realize that you've found what must be a

small zoo of animals. You notice a cage with a note reading "Transfigured human into bird? Must

investigate further," and have to silence a chuckle when you see a common parrot, realizing this is

probably one of Moreau's labs.

Vlad runs ahead of you to the far corner of the room, where he excitedly starts hitting a small cage.

Following him, you see another badger in the cage, with a note revealing that this badger can "Detect

werewolves with 95% accuracy, or your money back!" You laugh to yourself, thinking that he mightbe attempting to breed them to sell or something. Vlad is insistent on getting inside the cage,

however, and you can't find a key to open it after a quick look around. Do you:

Look for some way to free this mystery badger that Vlad wants out? (turn to page 315)

Take Vlad and get the hell out of here? (turn to page 271)


20/39

Further investigate the zoo of"supernatural" animals? (turn to page 92)

Page 315 (Mouser..)

Hearing what sounds like footsteps running around frantically above you. You squint in the darkness

and peer into the cage that Vlad is scrabbling at with his claws in an attempt to open it. Inside,

huddled in the back corner of the cage, you see what appears at first glance to be a skunk. Looking

closer, you don't seem to recall skunks having 5 inch long razor sharp claws and a positively evil

looking set of teeth.

Scratching your head, you try to reason with your badger friend "Vlad, I'm sure this is one of your

friends but he looks like he would be better off inside of the cage." Vlad looks at you quizically and

stops scrabbling at the cage, instead he immediately runs behind you, jumps and digs his claws into

your back, making what you can only assume is angry chirping in your ear. Spinning wildly in an

attempt to dislodge him, you scream "AHH! Get off me! AAHHHH! Alright, I'll let him free, just let

go!" At your words, Vlad jumps down and resumes standing next to the cage and mildly pawing at

the latch. With a deep breath, you kneel over and release the latch to the cage.

As soon as the cage door is open, the skunkly looking badger runs directly towards the opening and

launches itself towards your head, reeling backwards, you scream "No! No! Don't eat my eyes!"

Using your head as a launching platform, The Skunky Beast jumps behind you and confronts what

was attempting to sneak up behind you. The Ghost Cobra, having either dispatched Dr. Moreau or

slipping through his grasp now stands before you poised to strike. Before it is able to, your new black

and white badger savior grabs Ghost Cobra's sheet-laden head in it's powerful jaws and bites down

hard. You see blood seep through the white sheet and Ghost Cobra goes limp. Vlad immediately joins

in and proceeds to assist Skunky in tearing Ghost Cobra's lifeless remains to shreds. When they are

finally through, they both gather around your legs, running in circles around you.

Hesistantly accepting your newest recruit for the time being, you turn your attention back to your

surroundings. You no longer hear any footsteps above you, and you are surprised that neither Dr.

Moreau or Gor-Gor have followed you to the basement. Surveying the room, you can see that it is

lined with cages that have what you can only assume are animal sounds coming out of them. You are

hesistant to investigate what other monstronsities could possibly be contained in this room if this

nightmare of a badger is a sample. Finally, you notice a desk that has intruiging drawings on it. Yourealize that these are drawings of YOU performing many of the heinous acts that you are accused of,

sitting beside them is a unfinished letter that you see at first glance is written to a Sir Charles

Beaumont.

Do you:

Want to investigate what has become of Dr. Moreau and Gor-Gor? Turn to page 420.


21/39

Visit Dr. Moreau's animal zoo? Turn to page 233.

Read the letter and investigate the desk further? Turn to page 310.

Page 310 (Chewbot)

Fight as you might against reason and rationale, your battered instincts urging you to escape the

awful animal farm of Moreau, the overpowering burden of human curiosity drives you towards the

desk where you find a series of articulate sketches of yourself doing absurd and heinous things to the

poor and innocent. You have to admit, it's a good likeness. Of particular note is the border of each

picture; "WANTED" and below that, "CASH REWARD", followed by a number that makes your head

spin. Well, that explains the sudden crowd that had formed around your mansion.

One picture includes you strangling a young woman, fangs wrapped around her neck, another has

you descending in spectacular fashion onto a cow, mad with hunger. A third... CRIPES, c'mon guys!

You have never been attracted to sheep and even if you were the first picture makes it clear you can

get women whenever you want.

A letter lies nearby, ink bottle spilled and scattered across the table. Still fresh, Moreau was probably

in the middle of writing it when you showed up. Vlad scrambles around the room chirping and

tumbling with the other badger, having a great time. You're not sure why you thought a badger was

going to lead you to safety or freedom. Moreau's letter is written with an eccentric flourish one

might expect a mad scientist to have, and stuttering your way through it takes some time.

---

"SirCharles Beaumont,

Itis with great andterriblousregretitude that I amunable tosponsorthe huntingofsaidVampirus

Nocturnis. I'm truly apologeticalthatrecentlaboratoryexpenseries have quiteimpacteredmycoffers

oflate with therising pricesoflazuli,cardamomandhigh-quality anesthesias. I understandthat

funding the hunteringofnocturnalnightmaresisexpensive workbut being a manofscience I am

personally becomingskepticalas to thelegitimaceryofthesupernaturation phenomenon as a whole!

Forthesereasons I willregretfullynot beincluding theusualdonatery..."

---

It trails off here, and with a touch of horror things are starting to come together in your head. The

Beaumonts are sending pictures of you to wealthy private individuals asking for funding? You recall


22/39

seeing similar posters in the town before of various freaks- wolfmen and hunchbacked ghouls. Wait a

second... WAIT A SECOND! Are the Beaumonts making false wanted posters of innocent people and

raising cash from private investors to hunt them down?! Have they been kidnapping girls and cows to

create their own monsters to chase for fun and profit?MADNESS! and also admittedly pretty clever.

As you ponder the gravity of it all you head back up the stairs, dumbfounded, glad to leave the

stinking pit of animals behind. Glancing timidly at the top of the stairs, you don't notice anyone

moving about and the place seems quiet. You make a dash for the door and stumble over a lump

hidden behind one of the tables, spinning around, praying not to find what you suspect you'll find.

Dr. Moreau lays crumpled in a heap, unmoving. You timidly poke his head, which rolls to the side,

revealing fang marks on his neck where the "ghost" cobra must have bit him- some of the most

deadly ghost venom in the ghost animal kingdom if you recall correctly.

It is, of course, at this point that a man bursts through the nearby door. Through the portal you can

see Gor-Gor and an angry group of wounded locals gesturing with Charles about something. Must

have found the house after the melee, looking for shelter.

"THE VAMPEEERE KEEELLS AGAIIIN!" the man screeches, eyes wide, pointing to Moreau's swollen

and bleeding neck-holes. "THAT'S HIM!" shouts Gor-Gor. "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!" you

reply. The crowd, Charles Beaumont in the lead, is shuffling towards the doorway! His tone is cold as

ice. "You'll not escape this time, monster." He unsheathes a hunting knife of unnecessary girth.

Uh oh, that sounds serious. "I am NOT a..." you start... "Oh, fuck it." You glance around the room in

desperation- only one way out; through Charles. The basement door hangs open, a dead end full of

terrible creatures. Lab equipment of various usefulness lies scattered around the room.

Do you:

Dive back into the basement, throwing open the cages hoping to distract the crowd? Turn to page

311

Grab the nearest, most lethal looking bit of lab equipment and start swinging wildly? Turn to page 22

Try to bluff your way out of the situation with your terrifying "Vampire Powers"? Turn to page 276

Page 311 (Bobbin Threadbare)

You allow your first instinct to take over, which is to flee this murderous crowd as fast as possible.

Sadly, the only place to flee from a mob like this is down, and so you once again find yourself

surrounded by seemingly endless cages in the mad doctor's basement.

The badgers, meanwhile, have busied themselves with fending off the mob. Unfortunately, the


23/39

weapon-wielding peasants who just survived a wolf attack aren't phased much by badgers, no matter

how ferocious, and so they only provide you with a few seconds' breathing room before being driven

off themselves.

Still, you manage to get fairly deep into the sub-basement before you hear footsteps clattering down

the staircase. Looking around, you find that you have stumbled upon a massive row of wolf cages!

Glancing around, you notice that bits of silver and wolfsbane are scattered, ignored throughout the

cages, and several in one section appear to have random bits of fur shaved off, with assorted arms

and ears and such badly stitched onto their bodies. Every wolf is looking at you, angry and hungry.

It's really no wonder a pack of wolves attacked a fully armed band of humans if Moreau was doing

this to them!

More clattering and cursing reminds you that you are supposed to doing something right now. You

quickly run along the row, unfastening the cage doors and praying to whatever gods are listening

that they attack your pursuers first. As it happens, Beaumont himself is leading the charge, and he

passes the nearest wolf cages just as it nuzzles the cage open, realizing that it is finally free. You have

by now passed on to another row, but you distinctly hear Charles shouting, "Not again!" and thesounds of a melee starting up.

Do you:

Dash straight for the exit now that the mob is distracted? Turn to page 125

Feel sorry for the mostly innocent people and help them out? Turn to page 17

Feel sorry for the mostly innocent wolves and help them out? Turn to page 71

Page 125 (NeoAnjou)

Deciding that this may be your only chance to escape, you half run, half sneak behind a row of cages

back towards the staircase. The disgusting mixture of smells: blood, sweat, faeces, cheap-beer and

animal funk almost makes you vomit. Grabbing your trusty handkerchief, you hold it in front of your

nose to staunch the revolting odor.

As you reach closer to the stairs, the sights and sounds of a violent struggle come from the other side

of the barrier which is currently offering you scant concealment, and you happily note than that mob

of one-hundred odd men, women and children from earlier in the night has shrunk to only the

twenty or so most committed, and drunken, pursuers.

Suddenly a wolf appears in the aisle in front of you, snarling hideously, its open mouth dripping blood

and drool, and with violence in its eyes. Turntopage 2.


24/39

Page 2 (NeoAnjou)

Instinctively adopting a submissive pose, the wolf seems unimpressed by your pathetic attempts to

flatter it, and jumps for your throat. Sacrificing what remains of your dignity, you drop into the thick

layer of mud, excrement and straw on the ground, as the leap carries the wolf high over your back,

slamming it into the cage behind you and temporarily rendering it insensible.

Gathering what remains of your willpower, you mount the stairs. As you pass the desk in the

basement, you grab the correspondence from the Beaumonts, noting that their family lodge is only a

few miles distant. You stuff the pages into you jacket and exit up a winding staircase to find yourself

in a large entrance hall. Resisting the temptation to explore the other rooms of what is evidently a

vast mansion, you head out of the stately entrance.

A smaller mob of those too scared, tired or drunk to enter the mansion of Dr. Moreau await you

outside. Thinking on your feet you shout: Quick! The beast is trying to escape around the back - after

him! and watch satisfied as they run (or in one case, waddle) towards the rear of the house. Praising

whoever was sensible enough to bring along a pair of horses on their mission of destruction, you

appropriate the better looking of the two, and untie the other giving it a firm slap on the rump to

send it off into the forest.

Do you:

Ride to the Beaumont lodge, looking for further evidence to clear your name?Turnto 213

Return to your own mansion, thinking it must be safe by now? Turntopage 123

Look around for a means to destroy this crazy place, and hopefully with it much of the mob who have

been hounding you all night? Turntopage 321

Page 213 (Ursus Veritas)

You arrive at the Beaumont's lodge unharmed and relatively unmolested; leaving yourhorse, you

ascend the steps to the rather imposing front doors which appear to be covered in, if you're not

mistaken, a leopard pelt adorned with a fresh wolf skull, still dripping blood and saliva. Briefly, you

consider knocking and then decide that it's already been a long goddamn day, opting instead to

simply kick the door in and expediate the whole process. The Beaumonts' front hall is decorated in


25/39

what you'd best describe as Texan steakhouse chic, the walls are blood red (which you're coming to

suspect may be the Beaumonts' favourite colour) and the floors are lined with gleaming white animal

skeletons including what you count to be thirty-four wolf skulls in various states of decomposition.

As you take in the macabre sight you hear tentative footsteps on the floor above; Chuckie! Is that

you? Reacting you scurry into the nearest open door and find yourself in a room lined with a large

variety of cruel looking blades. You grab a dagger set with rubies and obsidian before hiding behind

the door. The footsteps are now coming from the stairs. From your vantage point you can see a very

bloody Tad Beaumont descending slowly; his body is wrapped almost head to toe in bandages and he

is heavily favouring his right leg. Listen, I know you're mad about the whole running away thing but

you see I wasn't running I-I was umm leading the wolves away! Yeah that's it I was leading them

away to give you ti- as he reaches the bottom of the stairs he notices the door kicked in, splinters

everywhere and the wolf's head hanging askew - its mouth open in a canine grin.

Is that you Vampire? Tad asks cautiously. Furious, you explode from your hiding place, I AMNOT

A VAMP- well fuck Tad is grinning like a Cheshire cat (on the wall, fourth from the right) and

exclaims: I'll kill you and show Chuckie I'm no coward! In unison you draw your respectiveweapons; unfortunately for you your piddly dagger pales in comparison to Tad's vicious hand axe.

Relying on your (not)vampire instincts you turn tail and run further into the Beaumonts' cabinet of

curiosities. The lodge however is nowhere near as large as the mansion and you soon find yourself in

what you'd consider the only remotely civil room in the place: a rather well kept study lined with

bookshelves (admittedly those shelves were also lined with countless animal remains of unknown

origin). Before you have time to do anything other than make a cursory glance at the room Tad

barrels in after you. Ducking a vicious horizontal swing you take the only option available to you and

push Tad with all your strength; off-balance you watch him fall head first into the base of one of the

great bookcases, knocking him out cold. Your relief is short-lived however, as you watch on in horror

as a human shaped skull, jostled by the collision, rolls slowly off the shelf and lands mouth first on

Tad's unprotected neck. Biting down on your fist, you try not to scream. Removing the skull reveals

two clean puncture holes in the man's flesh. In agony you place the skull back in place and, with

growing apprehension, examine the brass nameplate affixed to the shelf.Homo vampirus.

Fucking perfect.

Do you:

Search the lodge to find evidence that could exonerate you?TurntoPage 9

Grab your horse and head home - who will look there? TurntoPage 37

Try to destroy any evidence you were ever here and killed anyone?TurntoPage451


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Page 9 (Humbug Schoolbus)

Looking around the first floor you find it stuffed with items purchased from eBay and "As Seen On

TV". Weaving your way around stacks of Millard Fillmore inaugural commemorative snow globes and

back issues of Guns and Ammo, you eventually make it to the kitchen.

This room is dominated by the huge fireplace complete with roasting spit at one end and the air is

filled with the deafening sounds of salsa music blaring from a radio. The cook is busily at work

chopping up something that is unidentifiable and seems to be still moving.

Moving quickly, you sneak across the kitchen to the partially open door on the other side. There are

stairs leading down and before the cook notices you, you slip inside and pull the door shut.

Going down the stairs you find yourself in a room with a large steel table and a variety of cabinets on

the walls. Checking the first cabinet reveals gore encrusted surgical and power tools. The second,

various horns, antlers, fangs, and scales. Your movements have attracted some attention and youhear a faint groaning in the darkness.

Moving over you see three cells. The first two are empty, but the last one has a strange looking man

in it.

He is lying on his stomach on a cot and it looks like someone is in the process of sewing alligator hide

all over his body. His back and both legs are done and one of his arms, but the rest looks normal.

There is a clipboard on the cell door labeled "Lizard Beast Prototype 1" with the instructions "Get

more handbags to finish arm and head."

Also by the cells there is a door leading deeper into this house of terrors.

Do you:

Open the door and quest further?TurntoPage 75

Open the cell and help the poor victim? TurntoPage 5

You've found enough evidence. Escape back up through the kitchen?TurntoPage 92

Page 5 (JosephWongKS)


27/39

You have not seen any keys in your thorough search of the room perhaps the Lizard Beast may be

able to tell you where the Beaumonts have kept the key to his cell.

Hey, wake up, sir, you quietly declare your presence, prudently far enough away from the bars that

he could not claw you if he tried who knows if the torments visited by the Beaumonts on the

prisoner have not driven him mad?

The unfortunate lizardman snores loudly and rolls over, revealing a key on a chain around his neck.

Thats funny wouldnt someone with the key prefer to nap outside the cell? Perhaps the Beaumonts

are so confident that their prisoner has been thoroughly broken that they seek to torture him further

by allowing him to have the very key to freedom at all times, knowing full well that he no longer has

the lucidity or willpower to stage a break-out.

You swiftly drop the line of thought no use speculating on the motives and thought processes of

persons as cruel and peculiar as the Beaumonts. Look too deeply into the abyss and the abyss looks

right back at you, youve heard. If the Beaumonts have conveniently given the prisoner the means for

his own escape, so much the better.

Please wake up, sir, you repeat gently. Pass me the key around your neck and we can unlock your

cell and get out of this house together. After that, well expose the Beaumonts for the villains that

they are and Ill help you look for assistance to remove the alligator hide from your body.

The lizardman has by now awoken, and he belly-crawls over to the cell door, his body reeking with

the stench of putrescence, no doubt due to festering sores beneath the alligator hide sewn onto his

body.

Please pass me the key on your neck, you request politely of the lizardman, pointing to the key-

chain around his neck. He merely tilts his head, still on his belly, his eyes vacant and

uncomprehending.

You decide that the lizardman is sufficiently meek for you to risk placing your hand within reach of a

bite or claw attack, and you reach into the cell and lift the key-chain from his neck. He simply stares

blankly at you and makes no move to exit the cell even after youve unlocked and opened the door.

As you gaze upon the lizardman, you realize that you recognise the expression on his face, having

witnessed it often on your prey animals during your numerous hunting trips in the forest. It is the

masquemortis of one who is about to die, from gunshot and arrow in the case of rabbit and deer,

and from infection coupled with mental collapse in the case of the lizardman. He will surely slow youdown if you try to bring him out of the house with you, and he will surely die if he does not receive

proper medical treatment within the day.

Do you:

Leave the lizardman behind and escape back up alone through the kitchen? Turn to92.


28/39

Carry the lizardman on your back and escape back up with him through the kitchen? Turn to 100.

Page 92 (IAmTheRad)

You decide that you spent enough time in the house, and it's time to leave. You make your way up

the stairs, and look into the kitchen briefly long enough to see that the cook is gone. You quickly

make your way to the double doors, and manage to get out of the building, and run into a pale

looking lady with long black hair wearing a gown of some sort. She eyes you up and down then sighs,

sounding a little relieved.

Oh, good. You're not dead. That's a relief. It'd be harder to help you if you were deceased. She

looks at you again, her eyes seeming to glow slightly in the moonlight.

Who are you, Miss? you inquire, and she seems to perk up at the question.

I'm here to help you. They're looking for a vampire, aren't they? Who would have thought a vampire

would be hiding in the very house of the Beaumonts? Not to mention seeing all they have to hide.

Even if you're not what you seem, you'd have seen to much, she plainly speaks. She then smiles and

something about her smile is a bit off. We don't want them capturing you.

The lady looks at you to respond. I can help you escape. You also see a way that will lead you

towards your home once more. There probably won't be anybody waiting there anymore.

Do you:

Let the lady help you? Turntopage42

Return to your home? Turntopage 123

Page 42 (Man With Hat)

Even though we ultimately want to clear our name, that would be tricky if we were to be found,

captured and brutally murdered by stake, so for now the escape suggested by the lady will have to

do. Maybe she can help with the clearing of the name later as well? It's worth a shot!

"Okay, lady, what's your plan?"


29/39

"Follow me", she replies in a short manner and starts half running up the stairs.

After following the strange woman through what you would consider unnecessarily elaborate

corridor systems for a couple of minutes, she suddenly stops in front of a door, searching her bra for

the keys.

Behind the door, you see, to your terror, Charles Beaumont waiting with a wide grin upon his face.

"See, I brought him! Now will you marry me?" the woman cries out as she rushes to the side of her

beloved "monster" hunter. After a time span just long enough to wonder why the hell they went

through all the trouble of tricking you instead of just shooting, Charles rushes towards you, stake in

hand

If you still have your cane, turn to page 3

If you have lost your cane but found a dagger, turn to page34

If you have neither, turn to page 148

Page 34 (Man With Hat)

Luckily, this evening has left you quite on edge and with the added boost of sudden adrenaline, you

somehow manage to sidestep Charles and stab him in the arm with his very own dagger. As it turnsout, holding on to a stake whilst running with a dagger in your arm is not something Charles had

been training to do, and he drops the stake as he misses you and run straight into the wall and falls

over.

This is your chance to stop this maniac once and for all.

If you are a terrible human being who dosn't value life or our justice system, turn to page 268. (Kill

him)

If your noble human nature and knightly moral code prevents you from personally murdering people

(but still allows you to send hungry wolves towards them) turn to page 393. (Don't kill him)

Page 393 (Slaan)


30/39

Damn it, lady, see what youve done? You might have killed him!, you screech as you both run

towards Charles. You hope that you remember your CPR training because it looks like he is knocked

out cold and is having trouble breathing. You turn him over and prepare to start pumping on his

chest when the woman pushes you roughly out of the way.

NO! MY LOVE! DONT LEAVE ME, she cries as she takes the dagger from her beloveds arm. Why?

Why must you die? I cant live without you!

And with those words, she takes Charles into her arms and lies down under his now almost

breathless body. Laying his head next to her shoulder, she stabs him in the heart.

THIS IS THE PAIN YOUVE GIVEN ME! If I cannot have you living, I shall have you in the afterlife. She

takes the knife and places it against her neck as you watch, aghast. You try to reach her before she

can do the deed, but there is no hope. She dies with Charles Beaumonts mouth soaking in the blood

of her severed arteries.

Turn to page 23

Page 23 (Slaan)

You are still stunned when there comes a pounding at the front door of the Beaumont mansion. It

sounds like a sledgehammer is hitting a wrecking ball which is knocking down a tree that is falling

against the door.

Which, apparently, it is! As you turn and rush down the hall, you have to suddenly dodge back as a

small oak tree comes flying down the foyer. What could launch such woeful wood? It seems it is Dr.

Frankensteins monster, nearly surrounding by the torch carrying mob of peasants. A bunch of

bedraggled peasants with suspiciously wolf-like pelts hanging off their shoulders, but torch carrying,

angry peasants, nonetheless.

They rush into the mansion after the monster, but both parties stop as soon as they see you and

cooling corpses of Beaumont and love behind you.

Have you uncovered Tad Beaumonts diabolical plans? Turn to Page 13

If not, turn to Page 6

Page 13 (Slaan)


31/39

Thinking quickly, you know that the mobs attention will only be captivated for seconds only. It

seems most of the idiot populace around here cant tell reality from superstition, so you rest your

hopes on your quick wit and your high school seduction skills. May charisma save the day!

STOP! Why are you chasing this poor angel? This poor creatures has been turned into such an ugly

beast by none other than the true vampire, Charles Beaumont!

You move aside and point to the two corpses. See how I have caught the beast feeding off this poor

maiden! I have stopped it momentarily, but it drinks even now. We must stake it through the heart!

Good angel, will you do the honors? You nod towards Frankensteins monster and pray that it smart

enough to play along or at least dumb enough to.

Luckily, the monster knows how to speak, if only barely, so it shuffles over to the tree still lying in the

foyer and raises it above the corpse. SQUISH! The splash of blood leaves almost nothing untouched.

Nauseously, you turn back to the townsfolk and gulp. See the power of this being? The vampire

had tricked you with his mental powers into trying to slay innocent townsfolk and turned this angel

into a monster with his devil magic. At dawn, the spell will be broken and it will be free to return toHeaven, victorious once more over evil. Come, good people, let us put out the fires in the town and

praise the Lord, as only the thankful can!

You push on the shoulders and make shooing motions at the crowd. You fear that you hadnt

convinced the crowd and that you will be tonights stake flambeau, until, slowly but surely, the crowd

disperses and returns home.

With the gruesome collections of the Beaumonts upstairs, you think you will be able to add some

wings and maybe a wig to your new friend. He seems a nice sort of chap. Taking him by the arm, you

lead him upstairs, away from the destruction below. Maybe this turned out all right in the end.

Maybe you have a new butler.

Turn to Page 119

Page 19 Epilogue (Slaan)

Two years later, you return to the mausoleum behind your old mansion. The remembrances of yourjourney had been too hard to bear, and so you had to come back and think on what had happened to

you. Had happened to your friends. Had happened to your allies on that insane, wild night. What had

happened to Alex, Vlad and the others.

You had originally had the bodies of all of your friends burned. You didnt know of any of their

families, if badgers have families, and so you couldnt return the bodies. And your wounded body

was completely incapable of burying them normally, so you threw the bones out an old, dusty,


32/39

wooden coffin and placed your friends ashes in tiny jars inside of it, closing them away from the

sunlight. Forever.

Until today.

But now you kneel next to the coffin, trying not to cry and ashamed of you cowardice. You had run

from all of your foes, and used your friends as human (or badger, or wolf) shields to get away from

danger. Even though they all gave their lives up willing for you (except for Alex, but what does a

werewolf know?), you know that, perhaps, if you had stayed and fought with them, they would still

be alive today.

As you got ready to go, and reached for the lid of the coffin, to close it once and for all, there were

suddenly foot-steps behind on you on the mausoleum stairs. Paranoid since the day you left this

accursed town, you scrambled up and into the only hidingplace, the coffin. Unfortunately, you

ripped your leg on a rusty nail sticking out from the top of it.

Turning over inside the coffin, thinking of only the pain, you grab at it and sit up once more, fingersbloody. Mouth moaning. Face pale with bone-dust and a small trickle of blood from your bitten

tongue.

A sharp, short scream cuts into your pain-addled mind and you look over the top of the coffin to see

a small child pointing at you in fear. She walks slowly backwards, and then flees up the stairs.

Wait, You cry as you jump out of the coffin and run after her. I know this looks bad but I. AM.

NOT. A. VAMPIRE!

But even as the words leave your mouth, you know it is too late. The girl has seen you rise out of a

coffin covered in blood. And you just so happened to limp out of the sepulcher at the exact moment

the sun slipped under the horizon and night began. And she was already screaming loud enough to

wake the whole village.

You have a feeling tonight will notbe a good night.

END OF I AM NOT A VAMPIRE)

Various deaths and other dead ends

Page 16 (Bene Elim)


33/39

This idiot is getting you nowhere fast, but the mob is a fickle lot. If you can bring this mans Beast to

them, then they may lose interest in you, perhaps not permanently, but long enough to slip out of

town.

The man is still rambling on about werewolves and bunny powered doomsday devices, and you

doubt youll get a word in to say farewell. You contemplate pouring your drink over his head but you

may need his help later. No point in alienating the one person in town who isnt trying to kill you. You

set down your drink, snatch up your cane and leave the room, cape billowing behind you. Heading

towards the rear door you can still hear him blithering away at no one. Crazy fool.

You slip out the back into the doctors garden. There is a rosebush here, so you pluck off a fresh bud

for your buttonhole. Youre on the run, your house is burning down, and youre going on the hunt for

a monster but damnit! No self respecting man of your family goes anywhere without a rose!

Peering over the wall, you see no-one. The stupid bastards must still be watching the inferno. The

guy we were after goes swooping out of the window on a kite, but we can stay watch everything he

has burn before we go search for him. Haderp. You think. Stupid hic European villages. A loud thumpshakes the ground under your feet as the gunpowder catches, followed by a loud chorus of oooohs

and aaaaaahs. Your house is exploding, and theyre having a good time. You make a mental note to

kill everyone in the village at some point.

You stick to the back alleys and dumps, the most likely places to find monsters, and avoid villagers.

Eventually you are rewarded. An enormous figure hunches in the shadows in front of you. You

approach cautiously.

Hello?

The creature stands slowly and turns towards you. His right shoulder is significantly higher than his

left, his feet are mismatched, and his breath draws in a hideous groan. He lumbers towards you and,

not for the first time, you wonder if this was a good idea. His face comes into the light and you are

forced to quickly choke back a scream and turn away.

Helloooooo The voice was....not that bad? Did you come find Gunther?

You turn back and notice that instead of being a scarred monstrosity, the man is simply hideously

ugly.

Y-yes, I came to find you Gunther looks genuinely pleased at this, so you continue, Are youDoctor Franks monster? Whoops. Bad words.

Gunther let out a howl of anguish, and broke down sobbing.

Im sorry, I didnt mean to upset you.

Why Daddy say bad thing? Gunther try be good! Try be nice! But Daddy no like.


34/39

Daddy? Frank is your father? Well that would count as creating, you reason.

Uh-hu. Gunther have no friends. No one like gunther, not even Daddy. HuWAAAAAAH! The big

lummox broke down crying again.

Hes obviously not a monster, but he might just lookenough of one to draw off the Beaumonts.

Youd better try to be nice.

There, there, Gunther. Tell you what; Ill be your friend. Why dont we go off and have an adventure

up at my mansion?

REALLY?!

Uhh... yeah.

WAHOO!! Gunther made Friend! And friend brought present! Gunther jumps up and snatches therose from your button hole.

Damnit, Id only just found that....Oh, uh, I mean yes! Of course I brought you a present! Now come with me,

were going to have an adventure! You try to look excited and beckon him to come with you.

Gunther doesnt bite, instead he looks sad again.

Gunther not have present for you. We got get you present first. He snatches your hand in his

overlarge paw and drags you off, breaking every bone in your hand. Never take and not give back.

Daddy teach Gunther manners good.

You have no choice but to let the half-wit behemoth drag you into a nearby garden. He sets you

down and you finally let out a silent scream. Your left hand has been crushed so badly that the cane

handle has all but been absorbed into it. You force your gaze away from the useless lump, to see the

other one uprooting a tree.

Gunther good friend! Give big present! You like?

Grargh... Yeah, its brilliant, Gunther. The giant hefting a tree around is a little more than you can

cope with Why dont you put it down so I can have a proper look?

Ok.

Gunther swings the tree around, but instead of setting it neatly on the ground, he drops it directly on

your head. Your final scream is lost to the clump of soil at its base and the weight crushes your skull

into a near flat disc.

You are dead.


35/39

You may now either turn to page 357, or slamthe book downand stormoffinarage.

Page 91 (Green Intern)

Alex seems pretty set on going to his wagon, but you dont have time for that. You realize that his

connection with the Beaumonts could be the credibility you need to finally convince the town that

Documents

I Am NOT A Vampire!