HUM110HM I Love Lucy "Lucy Gets Ricky on the Radio" Transcript

Ethel: Hi

Lucy: Oh, hi

Ricky: Hi

Fred: Hi, kids.

Ricky: Well, what do we watch? Comedy? Drama? Soap opera?

Fred: I don't care.

Ethel: Anything but wresting.

Lucy: Ricky, wait a minute let’s not watch television tonight

All: Not watch Television!

Ricky: What else is there to do?

Lucy: Well, whatever happened to that game we used to play before television was invented? It was

called conversation.

Ethel: Oh, yeah, how did that go?

Lucy: You know, the four of us usually just sit around all evening and talk; Nothing so unusual about it. In

millions of homes over the country other people were having the same kind of conversations we were

having.

Fred: Yeah, that's why television was invented.

Fred: Go on, Rick, turn it on, will you?

Ricky: Now, wait a minute, Fred. Maybe Lucy's got something there.

Lucy: Yeah, we're four intelligent, interesting people. Let's just talk-- exchange ideas.

Ethel: Ok

Fred: Alright.

Fred: Well what do we talk about?

Lucy: Anything. Just let the conversation flow. Let it go where it wants to.

Ethel: Alright.

Lucy: Okay, let's start.

Lucy: Well, come on, let's talk. How about those elections? They were really something, huh?

Ethel: I guess so.

Fred: Elections?

Ricky: Yeah. What about them?

Lucy: Well, they had them, all right.

Fred: Oh.

Lucy: Oh, come now someone must know something to say.

Ethel: What do we watch?

Ricky: Let's see what's on, eh?

Lucy: Okay.

Ricky: Hey, hey, that's good.

Ethel: Oh, it's a movie.

(film music playing)

Lucy: That's a pretty new movie for television.

Ricky: New?

Lucy: Yeah, that little girl is Margaret O’Brien, Isn't it?

Ricky: Look again-- it's Shirley Temple.

Fred: Look again—it’s Mary Pickford.

Ricky: Hey, that's not tuned in right.

Ricky: I’ll, get it lighter.

Ricky: There.

Lucy: Oh, honey, that's too light.

Ricky: But don’t make it to dark now.

Lucy: If it's too light it hurts my eyes.

Ricky: Well, compromise.

Lucy: All right, how's that?

Ricky: All right, that's good now. That's good.

Ethel: What are those lines across there?

Fred: That’s too much contrast.

Fred: I'll fix it.

Fred: There. How does it look now?

Lucy: Well, I can see the lines much better.

Fred: Well, let's try it this way.

Ethel: There, the lines are fading.

Lucy: Yeah, the lines are gone.

Ricky: So is the picture.

Fred: Well, wait a minute, will you?

Lucky: Okay, okay.

Lucy: ALL RIGHT, LEAVE IT!

Ricky: Leave it alone, leave it alone!

Ricky: Sit down, will you? That's fine now! You think that’s in focus?

Lucy: What?

Ricky: You think the picture is sharp enough?

Lucy: Yeah.

Ricky: Ah, I can get it much sharper than that. There. Now that’s what I call in focus.

Lucy: Honey, that's too light.

Ricky: All right.

Ethel: Uh-oh, that's too dark.

Fred: Can't you get rid of those lines?

Lucy: Ricky, why couldn't you have left it alone? It was fine for all of us.

Ricky: Well, I'll, get it, honey, I’ll get it.

Lucy: Here, let me do it.

Ricky: Hunny, I know how to do it. Oh!

Lucy: Now see what you’ve done!

Ethel: Oh well, that's it for television for tonight.

Lucy: Good, I'm glad.

Fred: Now what are we going to do?

Ethel: Well, we could try conversation again but personally I'm all worn out from the last gabfest.

Lucy: We could make fudge and dress up in our mothers' clothes.

Ricky: Yeah, that's the best idea yet.

Lucy: Oh, wait a minute. My GOODNESS! Look!

Ricky: A radio! Well, what do you know? It takes a little time to warm up.

Lucy: Well, what are we staring at? This is a radio.

Announcer: Mr. and Mrs. Findley, meet Freddy Fillmore.

Lucy: Oh, I remember this show. Freddy Fillmore, Mr. and Mrs. Quiz.

Announcer: How do you do, Mr. and Mrs. Findley? Now, here are your three $100 questions. First, who

was the youngest man to be inaugurated President of the United States?

Ricky: Theodore Roosevelt.

Lucy: Theodore Roosevelt?

Lucy: Oh no. It was one of the earlier ones. Adams or McKinley, wasn’t it, Ethel?

Ethel: Ask Fred, he was probably there.

(bell rings)

Announcer: Oh, time's up, I'm so sorry. The youngest President was 42 years old the day of his

inauguration and his name was Theodore Roosevelt.

Lucy: Well! What do you know about that? You were right-- how did you know that?

Ricky: Doesn't everybody?

Lucy: Doesn’t everybody?

Announcer: Now, Mr. and Mrs. Findley, here’s your second question and remember, only one answer

between you: What was the last state to be admitted to the Union?

Lucy: I know what that was-- uh, Nebraska, Nebraska.

Ethel: No, it was New Mexico.

Fred: Wyoming.

Ricky: It was Arizona.

Lucy: Arizona?

Mr. Findley: Er, was it Arizona?

Announcer: You are so right! The last state to be admitted to the Union was Arizona! And you now have

$100! (chortling) Now for your third question: What was the date of Lincoln's Gettysburg Address?

Lucy: Well, brain?

Ricky: November 19, 1863.

Announcer: Come on, now, Mr. Findley, take a guess. Mrs. Findley? (bell rings) Sorry, but your time is

up. The answer is November 9, 1863.

Lucy: Ha!

Announcer: Oh! Oh, oh, I beg your pardon, I read that wrong. The answer is November 19, 1863.

Ricky: Ha!

Announcer: That's too bad, Mr. and Mrs. Findley, but you do have $100 and a chance at our $500

jackpot question. Oh, wait, we don't have enough time left, so we'll just have to ask you the jackpot

question at the beginning of our next program. We're a little late, folks so this is Freddy Fillmore saying

good night... Remember to tune in every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Lucy: I'm very surprised at you. How did you happen to know the answers to all those questions?

Ricky: Well, who do you think you're married to, a country bumpkin? We studied American history in

Cuba too, you know.

Lucy: Well, you're certainly a lot smarter than I am. I got all I can to remember that there are 46 states.

Ethel: Forty-eight.

Lucy: Oh yeah. I guess I forgot Alaska and Hawaii.

Ethel: Yeah.

Ricky: Hey, honey. Will you fix us some sandwiches?

Lucy: Sandwiches?

Ricky: Yeah, sandwiches-- two pieces of bread with a thing in the middle and the mustard on the top.

Lucy: Oh, Eat, eat, eat, all they want... Come on, Ethel, help me.

Fred: Hey, you sure fooled me, Rick. I'd have bet you couldn't answer those questions.

Ricky: I got something to tell you about that, old man. That's why I send them out of the room. You

know, that program was a delayed broadcast.

Fred: Yeah?

Ricky: Yeah, they made it this afternoon and I was at the station when they were doing it. I heard the

whole thing.

Fred: Then you knew the answers before they asked them.

Ricky: Shh!

Fred: Yeah.

(chuckles)

Boy, you… tricky Cuban.

Ethel: Woo-hoo!

Lucy: Woo-hoo.

Ethel: What are you doing? I thought we were going shopping.

Lucy: Oh, I guess I was just daydreaming about Ricky knowing the answers to all those questions last

night. Just think, he could have won $300. $100 for each question.

Ethel: Gosh. Three crisp, new, green $100 bills.

Lucy: Is that the way you see it?

Ethel: Uh-huh.

Lucy: I see it all in pennies and I'm running barefoot through it.

Ethel: We might as well stop dreaming.

Lucy: Wait a minute, why do we have to dream? Why can't he go on that program and win all the

money?

Ethel: Sure. Do you think he'd do it?

Lucy: Why not? He knows all the answers. Besides, it’d give him a chance to show off. The big ham. I'm

going to call the station right now.

Ethel: Hey, you might win that $500 jackpot you'd really be rich.

Lucy: Yeah, I'd have golden eggs all over the house.

Ethel: Huh

Lucy: I didn't realize what kind of a goose I was married to. Freddy Fillmore, please.

Ethel: Say, wait a minute. It's a Mr. and Mrs. Quiz show. You'll have to go on it, too.

Lucy: So what. Ricky will answer all the questions. I’ll just stand there, keep my mouth shut. Uh, Freddy

Fillmore? Mr. Fillmore, this is Mrs. Ricky Ricardo. Mr. Fillmore, I don't know if you know it or not but my

husband is one of the smartest men in the United States. Yes, sir. Yes, sir, and if you play your cards right

you might be able to get him on your program. Uh-huh. That’s right. Well, I'm sure he'd be glad to.

Ricky: Hi, honey.

Lucy: Oh, Ricky am I glad you’re home in time.

Ricky: Time for what?

Lucy: I have a big surprise for you.

Ricky: Really? What is it?

Lucy: I won't tell you until 7:00.

Ricky: Oh?

Lucy: I was so proud of you last night, knowing the answers to all those questions.

Ricky: Well, honey, I have something to tell you about that, too.

Lucy: Wait a minute-- it's 7:00. Now what is it?

Ricky: Well, you see that program we heard last night was a delayed broadcast and I was down at the

station when they were doing it and that's the reason that I knew all the answers. What's the matter,

honey?

Announcer: XYZA, Ricky Ricardo. Yes, be sure to tune in for the Mr. and Mrs. Quiz Program tomorrow

when Freddy Fillmore's special guests will be Mr. and Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.

Lucy: Oh, no.

Ricky: Lucy, before I kill you, would you mind telling me the details?

Lucy: Well, you were so smart last night and you knew all the answers and I thought you were a cinch to

win all the money so I called the radio station…

Ricky: And why did you call the radio station without asking me first?

Lucy: Well, how did i know that you were faking? I thought that you were an overgrown Cuban quiz kid.

Ricky: Look, all I know is that Columbus discovered Ohio in 1776.

Lucy: Oh, fine. Well, what are we going to do now?

Ricky: What are we going to do now? We have to go through with it. It's been announced on the air. I

can’t back out now. But you know something?

Lucy: What?

Ricky: Tomorrow night, when we get on that show you better know the answers.

Lucy: What are you going to do if I don't?

Ricky: It's too horrible to think about.

Lucy: Eew!

Tommy: Hi, Mr. Fillmore. Here are the questions for tonight.

Mr. Fillmore: Oh, good, Tommy. Well, these ought to be hard enough. Let’s see if you can answer any of

these, Tommy. To whom do you make your federal tax check out on March 15th? You don't know that?

How do subfreezing temperatures in the Arctic affect the growth of trees? You don't know that one

either? Why was the steamship Ile de France put in dry dock recently?

Tommy: I don't know any of those.

Mr. Fillmore: You mean to tell me you can't answer these questions? Neither can I. Where are the

answers?

Tommy: Oh, didn’t I bring them in? I must have left them on my desk. I'll go get them.

Mr. Fillmore: Ok

Tommy: Say, there’s a Mrs. Ricky Ricardo outside to see you.

Mr. Fillmore: Oh, yeah. She’s one of the contestants. Have her come in, will you?

Tommy: Okay. You may come in, Mrs. Ricardo.

Lucy: Thank you.

Mr. Fillmore: How do you do, Mrs. Ricardo?

Lucy: How do you do?

Mr. Fillmore: Awfully nice of you to come down. Won't you sit down?

Lucy: Thank you. Mr. Fillmore, you can do me a tremendous favor. You can get me out of a very big spot.

Mr. Fillmore: Anything you want, I'll do, Mrs. Ricardo.

Lucy: Oh, thank you very much.

Mr. Fillmore: and do you know why?

Lucy: Why?

Mr. Fillmore: Because this is the biggest break I've ever had, having you and your husband here on my

show tonight. You see, I have an offer from a national sponsor who's willing to buy the program if I can

get people like Ricky Ricardo to appear.

Mr. Fillmore: And once he’s appeared on the show tonight that'll pave the way for other celebrities.

Lucy: Oh, I see.

Mr. Fillmore: You don't realize what a break this is for me. Now, what can I do for you?

Lucy: Uh, could I have some tickets for the broadcast?

Mr. Fillmore: Well, certainly. You can have all the tickets you want.

Tommy: Uh, pardon me, Mr. Fillmore here are the answers for tonight’s questions.

Mr. Fillmore: Oh, thank you, Tommy.

(chuckling)

Mr. Fillmore: Have we got some pips for you tonight.

Lucy: You have?

Mr. Fillmore: We sure have.

Mr. Fillmore: Oh, that’s right. You wanted those tickets.

Lucy: Yes.

Mr. Fillmore: I'll take care of that right now.

Woman: Yes, Mr. Fillmore?

Mr. Fillmore: Nancy, will you see that Mrs. Ricardo gets all the tickets she wants please?

(phone rings)

Mr. Fillmore: Oh, excuse me. Hello. Oh, yeah, yeah, I've got them right here. Yeah, we can check it.

One… Yeah. Uh, two… Yeah. Uh, three… uh, yeah. Yeah, that checks. Okay, now, would you read that

opening commercial to me, please? Uh-huh. That sounds good. Sure. Ok. Mrs. Ricardo you wouldn't

want to see the answers for tonight, would you?

Lucy: Oh, were those the answers?

Mr. Fillmore: Well, yes. You didn't see them, did you?

Lucy: No, darn it.

Mr. Fillmore: Well, good.

Lucy: Well uh, goodbye, Mr. Fillmore.

Mr. Fillmore: Oh, well, goodbye, Mrs. Ricardo. So nice of you to come by.

Lucy: Thank you.

Mr. Fillmore: I'll see you tonight.

Lucy: Thank you.

(phone ring)

Mr. Fillmore: Alright, excuse me. Hello?

Ethel: Hi, Lucy, you ready to go to the broadcast?

Lucy: I was just going over these answers, see if I knew them. Here, you hold the paper. Uh, the first one

is the collector of Internal Revenue. The second one is the sap runs every two years. The third is to

scrape the barnacles off her hull.

Ethel: Perfect. Wonder what the questions are?

Lucy: Who cares, so long as I have the answers?

Ricky: Come on, come on. We might as well get it over with.

Lucy: Oh now, honey, don't look so worried. I have an idea I'm going to walk up there and give them

those answers one, two, three.

Ricky: You’re so confident; one would think you knew what the questions were going to be.

Lucy: Yes, one would, wouldn't one?

Fred: Come on, come on, we're all going to be late. Let's go!

Lucy: Oh, I forgot something. I'll be right with you. Collector of Internal Revenue, the sap runs every two

years, to… to… to scrape the barnacles off her hull.

Ricky: Come on, honey, hurry up.

Announcer: It’s time for Mr. and Mrs. Quiz!

(applause and Music)

Announcer: Yes, once again it's time to play that fascinating game, Mr. and Mrs. Quiz and here to ask

the questions is that well-known quizmaster Freddy Fillmore!

(music and applause)

Mr. Fillmore: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome once again to Mr. and Mrs. Quiz. Now,

for our first contestant tonight we have a gentleman known to all of you as an orchestra leader and a

singer. But what you don't know- and we didn’t either, until his wife told us today, he’s one of the

greatest brains of all time, a real top intellectual, yes, siree.

And now, just in case you think we picked questions to make him look good tonight we're going to

change our usual practice and have him select his questions out of this glass bowl, at random. And now,

here they are Mr. and Mrs. Ricky Ricardo!

(applause)

Mr. Fillmore: How do you do, Mr. and Mrs. Ricardo?

Lucy: How do you do?

Mr. Fillmore: Are you all ready for your questions?

Lucy: Yes, sir!

Mr. Fillmore: Oh-ho, they're going to be pretty hard.

Lucy: Oh, I'll bet they're not too hard.

Mr. Fillmore: Well, we'll see about that. Now, remember, you only have one answer between the two of

you. Okay, dig right in there, Ricky. Ah, here we go for number one. What is the name of the animal that

fastens itself to you and drains you of your blood?

Lucy: The collector of internal revenue.

Mr. Fillmore: Oh.. I'm so sorry. You only had one answer between the two of you, and that's wrong.

Lucy: It is?

Mr. Fillmore: Yes, the answer is a vampire bat, sure—

Ricky: Vampire bat, sure, that’s what I was going to say.

Mr. Fillmore: Well, let's try the next one. Maybe we'll have better luck this time.

Lucy: I'll get the next one.

Mr. Fillmore: Ah, here we go, number two. What is a senator's term of office?

Lucy: The sap runs every two years.

Mr. Fillmore: I'm sorry; Mrs. Ricardo but you're not giving your husband a chance.

Mr. Fillmore: A senator’s term of office is six years.

Ricky: Six years, sure. Why don’t you let me answer one?

Mr. Fillmore: Well, let's try the last one.

Ricky: Let me answer this one, eh?

Mr. Fillmore: Here we go for number three. Why did the French people put Marie Antoinette under the

sharp blade of a guillotine?

Ricky: Um…

Lucy: Well?

Ricky: You got any ideas?

Mr. Fillmore: Well, come on, Ricardos you must know the answer to this one.

Ricky: Yeah, we know the answer to this one.

Mr. Fillmore: Ok, why did the French people put Marie Antoinette under the sharp blade of the

guillotine?

Ricky: To scrape the barnacles off her hull.

Mr. Fillmore: Oh, I'm so sorry. You are the first husband-and-wife team ever to miss all three questions.

Ricky: What’s the matter with you honey?

Lucy: Well, I memorized the answers, but they must have switched the questions.

Ricky: Oh, no, what have you done to me?

Mr. Fillmore: Well, anyway you still have a chance at the giant jackpot question and it's worth $500.

Lucy: Ricky, it's not over yet.

Mr. Fillmore: Now we’ve all seen the picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware. You've seen

that picture, haven’t you?

Lucy: Yeah, yeah I’ve seen it.

Mr. Fillmore: And you've seen it too, haven't you? Of course you have. Now, what I want you to tell me

is this: What did George Washington say while making that crossing?

Mr. Fillmore: Yeah, I'll repeat the question: What did George Washington say while crossing the

Delaware?

Lucy: Do you know, Ricky?

Ricky: Please let me sit down, this is making me sick.

Mr. Fillmore: That’s right! That's what he said when crossing the Delaware!

(applause) (gleeful shouting)

HUM110HM I Love Lucy “Lucy’s Schedule” Transcript

Ricky: Lucy, for goodness sakes, aren’t you ready yet?

Lucy: I’ll be ready in a minute, dear.

Ricky: Hurry up. We’re going to miss the start of the movie.

Lucy: I’ll be ready in a minute, dear.

Ricky: I wonder what time the feature starts. What did you do with the paper?

Lucy: I’ll be ready in a minute, dear.

Ricky: I’ll be ready in a minute, dear. I’ll be ready in a minute, dear. Aye aye aye. Ah, there it is. High

Noon, Gary Cooper… 8:23!

Lucy: I’ll be ready in a minute, dear.

Ricky: Lucy, you haven’t even got your dress on yet. You were supposed to be ready an hour ago.

Lucy: Well it’s all your fault.

Ricky: My fault?

Lucy: Yes, I wasted an hour telling you I’d be ready in a minute.

Ricky: Oh, now, come on, what are you doing?

Lucy: Now, honey, I’m almost ready and you’re not helping any. If you want to make yourself useful get

out a dress for me to put on.

Ricky: All right, all right. Which dress you want to wear? Well, which dress you want to put on?

Lucy: I’m thinking. I can’t make up my mind.

Ricky: Put on any dress, honey. The Mertzes will be here in a minute.

Lucy: What makes you think so? I talked to Ethel ten minutes ago. She wasn’t anywhere near ready.

Ricky: She’ll be here. Fred told me that tonight she’s going to be here, ready to go, with her coat on, at

8:00, no matter what.

Lucy: Ha! If I know Ethel, she’s just about getting out of the tub.

Ricky: Well, look, just in case they happen to be on time, would you please decide which dress you want

to put on?

Lucy: Well, what dress would you like me to wear?

Ricky: How about this one?

Lucy: You like that dress?

Ricky: Yeah, sure, I like it, it’s beautiful, fine.

Lucy: No, Ethel’s seen me in that so much.

Ricky: How about this one?

Lucy: Oh, honey, everybody’s seen me in that. Oh, I wouldn’t wear that to a movie.

Ricky: Why not? Don’t tell me Gary Cooper has seen you in it.

Lucy: No, it’s too tight.

Fred: Hi, Rick. Here we are. You folks ready?

Ricky: We’ll be ready in a minute, dear. Now you got me doing it. You see, he’s got Ethel up here, ready

to go, just like he said he would.

Lucy: You go out and talk to them, dear. I’ll be right out.

Ricky: Ok. Now look, if you’re not ready in five minutes we’re going to go without you.

Lucy: Yes, dear.

Ricky: Alright.

Ricky: Hiya Fred. Hi, Ethel.

Fred: Hi, Rick.

Ricky: You did better than I did. Lucy’s still dressing.

Fred: Well, you’re not firm enough.

Ricky: Well, I’ll be firm enough tomorrow night, boy. We’re going to have dinner with the new buss.

Fred: You’re having dinner with a bus?

Ricky: Mr. Littlefield—the fellow that bought the nightclub—I work for him now. He’s my buss.

Fred: Oh, I thought you meant bus. Like they have at the buss station.

Ricky: Oh.

Fred: Yeah.

Ricky: Well, she better be on time tomorrow night or she’ll really be known as the late Mrs. Ricardo.

Lucy: I heard that remark. Hi, Fred.

Fred: Hi, Lucy.

Lucy: Hi, Ethel. Oh, gee, do you look pretty! Is that new? What’s the matter with you?

Fred: Oh, she’s mad at me. When I say 8:00, ready or not, I mean it.

Lucy: I don’t get it.

Ricky: Lucy, it’s one minute to 7:00 and we’re supposed to be there at 7:30.

Lucy: I’ll be ready in a minute, dear.

Ricky: Lucy, I’m telling you. I don’t want anything to go wrong tonight. I’m talking to Mr. Littlefield about

making me the manager of the club. Now I’m going to give you 25 seconds… 20 seconds…

Lucy: What were you saying, dear?

Ricky: Lucy, you’re all dressed and ready to go.

Lucy: Naturally.

Ricky: Well, I apologize for everything I ever said. How did you do it?

Lucy: I played a little trick on myself.

Ricky: What do you mean?

Lucy: Well, knowing my own weakness, I wanted to make sure that I’d be on time, so I turned the clock

back so I’d have an extra hour. It’s only 6:00 instead of 7:00.

Ricky: Why, honey, that’s wonderful. I’m proud of you.

Lucy: Thank you. You know, I can really get things done if I just put my mind to it. Oh gee, I hope the

Littlefields have a good dinner. I’m starved.

Ricky: Me, too. I didn’t have any lunch. You know, that clock idea is real clever. I should have thought of

that a long time ago.

Lucy: Come on, honey.

Ricky: Ok, dear. Gee, look how dark it is, and it’s only 6:00.

Lucy: Yeah, well, the days are getting shorter.

Ricky: No, they’re not, they’re getting longer. Lucy?

Lucy: What?

Ricky: Which way did you turn this clock? Forward or backward?

Lucy: Backwards, so I’d get an extra hour.

Ricky: Oh no! You should have turned it forward.

Lucy: Forward?

Ricky: Sure, then when it said 7:00 it would only be 6:00. It’s now 8:00! We’ll be an hour late for dinner.

Come on, will you? Oh no!

Phoebe: Alvin, what do you suppose could have happened to the Ricardos?

Alvin: I can’t imagine. I told them dinner at 7:30.

Phoebe: It’s nearly 8:30 now. Really, when I realize how you rushed me. Have it ready on time. Have it

ready on time! Be sure it’s ready on time.

Alvin: Phoebe, you know I consider tardiness a major sin. I wish I could get you to feel that way. Oh,

darling, why do you persist in sneaking these in here? They’re so cheap looking. We can afford real fruit,

you know.

Phoebe: Alvin. Momma gave us that wax fruit for our wedding anniversary. Now you put it right back…

Alvin: I don’t care, Phoebe. I will not have them…

[door buzzer]

Alvin: Oh, there they are now. Well, come in, come in, come in. I don’t believe you’ve met Mrs.

Littlefield. Phoebe, may I present Mrs. Ricardo, Mr. Ricardo.

Lucy: How do you do?

Ricardo: How do you do?

Phoebe: Pleasure

Lucy: Oh, I’m so sorry that we’re late. It’s just disgraceful.

Phoebe: Oh it’s quite all… Won’t you sit down?

Lucy: Thank you.

Phoebe: Mr. Ricardo, you come and sit here next to me.

Ricky: Thank you. Thank you. Gee, I hope we haven’t ruined your dinner.

Alvin: Oh, not at all.

Phoebe: Of course not.

Lucy: Oh, that’s good.

Alvin: It was delicious.

Lucy: You mean you finished dinner?

Alvin: Oh, some time ago. When I say 7:30 I mean 7:30.

Phoebe: Of course I could fix you something even though everything has been put away and the dishes

are all washed.

Lucy: Oh, well, I hate to bother you, but, gee, I’m so darn hungry…

Ricky: No, thank you Mrs. Littlefield, we’ve eaten.

Lucy: But Ricky…

Ricky: We’ve eaten. See, when we saw that we couldn’t get a cab right away, we had a little snack.

Phoebe: Oh, well, if you’re quite sure.

Alvin: It’s too bad you couldn’t make it for dinner. Phoebe outdid herself.

Phoebe: It wasn’t anything special. Just pork chops.

Lucy: Pork chops? Oh, they’re my favorite.

Alvin: Oh, then you would have loved these. They were stuffed, and about that thick.

Lucy: About that thick?

Alvin: And the potatoes were a masterpiece.

Phoebe: Now, Alvin!

Alvin: But they were, my dear, they were—Baked. And with big globs of cheese… and butter.

Lucy: Big globs of cheese and butter?

Alvin: I must have gained five pounds what with all that cheese and butter, and the hollandaise sauce.

Lucy: Hollandaise sauce? What was it on?

Phoebe: Asparagus tips. Fresh, tender asparagus tips. Are you sure you’ve both had dinner?

Ricky: Oh yes. We had plenty. Didn’t we Lucy?

Lucy: Hollandaise sauce, huh?

Phoebe: Perhaps you’d like an after-dinner mint.

Lucy: Oh, where are they? Where are they? Well, I think I have room for just one teensy weensy mint.

Phoebe: I always say there’s nothing quite… There’s nothing quite like a good after-dinner mint, is

there? I’ll get some more.

Alvin: I must say, Mr. Ricardo, I hope this being late isn’t a habit with you. I like punctuality in the people

who work for me.

Ricky: Oh yes. I know. This was just an accident, sir.

Alvin: Well, I hope it was.

Phoebe: Mrs. Ricardo!

Ricky: Lucy!

Lucy: Honey, I don’t know what you’re so upset about. The Littlefields understood when we explained

the clock business. Mrs. Littlefield cooked dinner for us, didn’t she?

Ricky: It doesn’t matter. It was very embarrassing. She wouldn’t have had to go through all that trouble

if you would have been on time. Now, how long does it take you in the bathtub?

Lucy: To do what? What are you writing there? Lucy’s schedule? Lucy who?

Ricky: Lucy you, that’s who.

Lucy: Let me see this.

Ricky: I’m making out a schedule so you can budget your time.

Lucy: Budget my time? You mean like I budget my money?

Ricky: Heaven forbid.

Lucy: Now, Ricky, listen…

Ricky: You listen to me. Now I’m sick and tired of you being late all the time. It’s obvious that you cannot

budget your time so somebody has to do it for you.

Lucy: Well, I don’t think I’m going to like this. How does it go?

Ricky: Well, we’ll write down everything that you do during the day and we’ll allow so much time for

each thing—ten minutes for this, fifteen minutes for that…

Lucy: Oh, I’m going to need more than fifteen minutes for that.

Ricky: Nevermind. You’re going to go on this schedule and you’re starting tomorrow morning,

understand?

Ricky: Good morning, dear.

Lucy: Good morning.

Ricky: How about a good morning kiss?

Lucy: Sorry, it's not on the schedule.

Ricky: You know, as a matter of fact, I want to congratulate you on the way you've been budgeting your

time in the last few days.

Lucy: Well, much as I hate to admit it this thing does seem to work.

Ricky: Good. Is breakfast ready?

Lucy: Yep, all set.

Ricky: There's nothing on the stove. Where is it?

Lucy: Well, I knew I wouldn't have time to cook it this morning. So I had some time left over last night so

I cooked breakfast last night.

Ricky: You did what?

Lucy: Don't worry about it spoiling. It's all in the freezer.

Ricky: Lucy, I can't eat this egg.

Lucy: Why not?

Ricky: It's too salty.

Lucy: Well, I'd cook you another one but it would throw me off my schedule.

Ricky: Never mind, I have an appointment with Mr. Littlefield. Just give me some coffee, huh?

Lucy: Yes, sir.

Ricky: Thank you. Lucy…

Lucy: What's the matter? You always like iced coffee.

Mr. Littlefield: More coffee, Ricky?

Ricky: Oh, yes, thank you.

Mr. Littlefield: Another roll?

Ricky: Don't mind if I do.

Mr. Littlefield: Don't you people ever eat at your house?

Ricky: Yes, sir. It's just that I have a very big appetite.

Mr. Littlefield: Oh, oh, I see. Well, let's get down to business. I've been thinking over your suggestion

about being the manager of the club. I’d like to talk to you about it.

Ricky: Certainly.

Mr. Littlefield: I've been watching you and I like the way you handle things. You have all the

qualifications to be manager of the Tropicana.

Ricky: Oh, well, then can I get the job?

Mr. Littlefield: No.

Ricky: Oh.

Mr. Littlefield: I'd say yes, except for one little thing-- that business about being late for dinner the other

night.

Ricky: Oh, but that was my wife's fault.

Mr. Littlefield: That's just it. If a man can't run his own home I certainly can't give him a nightclub to

manage. Cigarette?

Ricky: Yes, thank you.

Mr. Littlefield: You can appreciate my position, of course.

Ricky: Oh, yes, sir, I do, of course I do. You see Mr. Littlefield, you don't understand. That was before.

Things are different now.

Mr. Littlefield: Oh?

Ricky: Oh, yes, sir. The other night when I got home, I laid down the law. I made out a schedule and I'm

making her stick to it.

Mr. Littlefield: And?

Ricky: It's working fine.

Mr. Littlefield: She's really doing what you say?

Ricky: Oh, sir, I got her jumping around like a trained seal.

Mr. Littlefield: A trained seal? Oh, I sure would like to see a thing like that.

Ricky: Why don't you come for dinner tonight and you can see how the schedule works?

Mr. Littlefield: May I bring my wife?

Ricky: Certainly.

Mr. Littlefield: Then she can see that a house can be run on schedule. And if it works the way you say it

does, you can be the new manager.

Ricky: Thank you very much.

Ethel: Hi.

Lucy: Oh, oh! Hi, Ethel. Uh... sit down. I have three and a half minutes to spare.

Ethel: Listen, Lucy, you’re going to have to cut out this schedule business.

Lucy: Why?

Ethel: Because Fred thinks it's a wonderful idea and if it works out, he's going to put me on one.

Lucy: Well, truthfully, Ethel, I find that I get everything done and I have time left over. Of course, I

cheated a little bit.

Ethel: What do you mean you cheated a little bit?

Lucy: I drew in an extra hour at the bottom of the chart.

Ethel: Where did you get the extra hour?

Lucy: From the next day.

Ethel: From the next day?

Lucy: Yeah, it'll work out fine till the end of the year and then I'll be two weeks short.

(doorbell buzzes)

Lucy: Who can that be? Oh, Mrs. Littlefield!

Mrs. Littlefield: How do you do?

Lucy: Come in, won't you? Uh, this is my neighbor, Ethel Mertz. This is Mrs. Littlefield. Sit down, won't

you?

Mrs. Littlefield: Thank you.

Lucy: Well, I didn't expect you until tonight.

Mrs. Littlefield: Mrs. Ricardo, what are you trying to do to the wives of America?

Lucy: I beg your pardon.

Mrs. Littlefield: Your husband told my husband that you're running this house on a timed schedule.

Lucy: That's right.

Mrs. Littlefield: You Benedict Arnold.

Lucy: What do you mean?

Mrs. Littlefield: We wives have spent years persuading our husbands that we haven't time to do our

work. Now, if you go through with this you'll louse it up for all of us.

Ethel: You're darned right. My husband wants to put me on a schedule, too.

Mrs. Littlefield: If my Alvin sees what he likes here at dinner tonight, I start punching a time clock

tomorrow.

Lucy: Well, I can't let Ricky down. He's asked you here tonight to show you how proud he is of me.

Mrs. Littlefield: Oh, yes? Well, I overheard him tell my husband that he had you hopping around like a

trained seal.

Lucy: Oh, he didn't mean it like that.

Mrs. Littlefield: No, of course not.

Lucy: Trained seal, huh?

Mrs. Littlefield: It was probably just an unfortunate choice of words when he invited us here tonight to

watch you perform.

Lucy: "Watch me perform"? Well I’m sorry but you're not going to see me balance a ball on my nose

tonight.

Mrs. Littlefield: Good girl!

Ethel: Lucy, what are you going to do?

Lucy: Will you and Fred come to dinner tonight?

Ethel: Sure.

Lucy: This is no time for formality. Phoebe, will you help me?

Mrs. Littlefield: Lucy, I'll do anything.

Lucy: Thank you.

Ethel: Me, too.

Lucy: Thank you. Trained seals of the world, unite!

(barking) ]

Ricky: Lucy?

Lucy: Yes, dear?

Ricky: Are you sure dinner is going to be ready when the Littlefields get here?

Lucy: Now don’t worry, dear. Everything will come off right on schedule.

Ricky: Good girl.

Fred: I got to hand it to you, Rick. That schedule idea was a real brainstorm. I'm putting Ethel on one

tomorrow.

Ricky: Atta’ boy! You know, that little idea is going to make me a nightclub manager.

Fred: Good.

(doorbell buzzes)

Ricky: Here they are. Come on in. Come on in. Good evening, Mr. Littlefield. How are you?

Mrs. Littlefield: Oh!

Lucy: Sit right down here, Mr. Littlefield. Meet Mr. Metz-- Mr. Littlefield. Sit right down. Littlefield, right

over in here.

Ricky: Lucy.

Lucy: What?

Ricky: What is this?

Lucy: Can't waste time-- got to keep on schedule, you know.

Ricky: Oh, the schedule, you know Mr. Littlefield-- the schedule.

Mr. Littlefield: Oh, yeah very interesting.

Lucy: Well, let's talk, huh? How have you been, Mr. Littlefield?

Mr. Littlefield: Oh fine, fine. I had a cold, but I went to the doctor. He gave me a shot. It went right

away. Of course, there’s been a lot of colds going around…

Lucy: Time's up! How are you, Fred?

Fred: Not too good. I’ve got a kind of...

Lucy: Ah, sorry, Mr. Littlefield used up all your time. How about a drink?

Ricky: Yeah, that's a good idea.

Fred: I'd love one!

Mr. Littlefield: Yeah, so would I. A drink would hit the spot.

Lucy: Well, it's too bad. We don't have time for one. Well, let's sit down and eat. You sit here, Mr.

Littlefield. Fred, you're across from him. Mrs. Littlefield, would you help me in the kitchen?

Mrs. Littlefield: I'd love to.

Ricky: Lucy, Mrs. Littlefield is a guest.

Mrs. Littlefield: I don't mind.

Lucy: She doesn't mind.

Mr. Littlefield: Well, I'm really hungry.

Fred: Me, too.

Ricky: Well, that's good because Lucy's a wonderful little cook, you know yes, sir!

Lucy: Soup.

Ricky: Soup!

Mr. Littlefield: Ooh, and doesn't that look good.

Ricky: Isn't that nice?

Lucy: Well, dig in, everybody.

Ricky: Lucy, where are you going?

Lucy: It's all the time we have for soup. Got to stick to the schedule, you know.

Mrs. Littlefield: Schedule!

Ethel: The schedule.

Mr. Littlefield: I didn't have time to taste it.

Fred: Too bad, it was delicious.

Ricky: I wonder what kind it was.

Fred: Split pea, I think. Split pea, yep.

Lucy: Salad.

Mrs. Littlefield: Salad!

Ethel: Salad.

Ricky: Well, this is a nice salad, yes, sir.

Ricky: Did you get any?

Fred: Me, either.

Mr. Littlefield: Look, look, there's a radish.

Ah!

(chortles)

Ricky: Lucy! What are you trying to do?

Lucy: Just trying to stay on schedule.

Ricky: I'll talk to you later.

Lucy: Well, okay. I think I have some free time at 11:43 tonight.

Ricky: What’s the matter, Mr. Littlefield?

Mr. Littlefield: There’s a shirt button in my water glass!

Ricky: Lucy!

Lucy: Yes, dear?

Ricky: There’s a shirt button in Mr. Littlefield’s water glass!

Lucy: Oh, well, I know how that happened. You see, I found that I could save time by washing the dishes

and the clothes together.

Mr. Littlefield: What is this?

Lucy: Steak and peas.

Mr. Littlefield: They're frozen.

Lucy: They are. See, there's no time on the schedule for defrosting. Now, don't worry. We have some

nice, hot biscuits. Ethel, let's have those biscuits! Here we go, girl! Right smack through the middle!

There we go, yes, sir! Come on, Ethel, that's it, kid! A little faster! Come on, a little faster! That a girl!

Right smack through the middle! That a girl, there we go!

Mr. Littlefield: Now, just a minute! I've had enough of this. I tell you, I…

Ricky: Please, Mr. Littlefield, please! Please, Mr. Littlefield! I think I can explain this.

Mr. Littlefield: So can I! You've got this poor girl terrified. She's scared to death of you. She’s afraid of

losing a second. Anyone can see that.

Lucy: Yeah!

Ricky: What a temper you must have.

Lucy: Yeah!

Mr. Littlefield: It's one thing wearing the trousers in the family but it's another being a Simon Legree …

An ogre… a a…

Lucy: Monster.

Mr. Littlefield: Yeah!

Lucy: Yeah!

Ricky: Well, maybe I have been cracking down a little bit too hard.

Mr. Littlefield: I should say you have! Now, first, we're going to get rid of this nonsense!

Ricky: Yes, sir.

Mr. Littlefield: Being a slave driver is no way to run a home.

Ricky: No, sir.

Mr. Littlefield: But it's the only way to run a nightclub, Mr. Manager!

Ricky: Mr. Manager!

HUM110HM I Love Lucy “Ricky Asks for a Raise” Transcript

Ricky: Hurry up, honey. The Littlefields will be here any minute.

Lucy: Well, how do I look?

Ricky: You look wonderful, dear.

Lucy: Oh fine. How could I look wonderful? I have on an old housedress and haven't even done my hair.

Ricky: Well, why not?

Lucy: Well, I thought maybe if I didn't look too good it would help things along when you ask Mr.

Littlefield for that raise tonight.

Ricky: Now, Lucy…

Lucy: Maybe I ought to suck in my cheeks so he'll think we don't get enough to eat.

Ricky: Now, you listen to me, honey.

Lucy: Hmmm?

Ricky: Look, I don’t want you to try any of your crazy stunts tonight.

Lucy: Honey, you promised me you were going to ask him for a raise.

Ricky: I will, I will. I just don't want you to go push him into it.

Lucy: Ricky, if you're afraid to ask for a raise you’re never going to get it.

Ricky: I'm not afraid. I'll do it.

Lucy: What are you going to say? Let's rehearse.

Ricky: Rehearse?

Lucy: Sure. You can't leave a thing like this to chance. Now look, I’ll pretend I’m Mr. Littlefield and you

pretend you’re you. Now, we've finished dinner. Mr. Littlefield is full of food and he's leaning back,

weak, bloated, and vulnerable. Ricardo, my boy, your wife sure is a good cook. Go ahead, Ricky. Here's

where you speak up.

Ricky: Uh… Uh… Mr. Littlefield…

Lucy: Yes, my boy, what's on your mind?

Ricky: I was wondering...

Lucy: Yes?

Ricky: You couldn't give me any more money next year, could you?

Lucy: Well, that ought to sweep him off his feet.

Ricky: Well, honey, if he wants to give me a raise that will do it.

Lucy: Honey, nobody ever wants to give anybody a raise. You have to demand it.

Lucy: Now look, you be Mr. Littlefield and I'll be you. Go ahead. Sit down. You're Mr. Littlefield.

Ricky: Alright. My boy, that was a good meal.

Lucy: Well, Mr. Littlefield I want to talk to you about my new contract. How much of a raise am I getting?

Ricky: How much?

Lucy: Yes, how much? Uh, you know Mr. Littlefield I haven’t decided to stay with you or accept one of

my many other offers.

Ricky: I don't have any other offers.

Lucy: Oh, well, honey, I know that but Mr. Littlefield doesn't know it. Now put yourself in his place.

Think. How would you react, honestly? Well Mr. Littlefield will you top those other offers or do I quit?

What do you say?

Ricky: Don't quit, my boy. I'll give you the raise.

Lucy: See? Hey, I got the raise!

Lucy: That’s right.

Ricky: (laughs) What do you know? How about that? Yeah. I just hope that Littlefield sees thin’s that

logically.

Lucy: Don't worry. He'll see thin’s that logically. Come on. Let's go into the parlor and wait for the fly.

Mr. Littlefield: (sighs contentedly) Oh, that was a wonderful dinner. Your wife certainly knows how to

cook, Ricky.

Lucy: Oh, thank you.

Mr. Littlefield: Phoebe, I want you to get Mrs. Ricardo's recipe for that cheesecake. It was delicious.

Mrs. Littlefield: Yes, Alvin. I'd love it, Lucy, if you'll give it to me.

Lucy: Oh, I'd be glad to. I'll write it out before you leave.

Mr. Littlefield: Did you say something?

Lucy: No, but Ricky has something to ask you, don't you, dear?

Ricky: Oh, no, not really. It can wait.

Lucy: No, go ahead, dear.

Mr. Littlefield: Yes, Ricky, what is it?

Ricky: Well, um, Mr. Littlefield?

Mr. Littlefield: Yes?

Ricky: Mr. Littlefield, you and I are going to have a talk very soon about my new contract. And there’s

one thing I have to know, and I have to know it right away.

Mr. Littlefield: What’s that?

Ricky: You couldn't give me any more money next year, could you?

Mr. Littlefield: Well, as a matter of fact, Ricky, I’ve been thinking over the idea of giving you a raise.

Ricky: Yes?

Mr. Littlefield: And my boy, it’s out of the question.

Lucy: Why?

Mr. Littlefield: Well, the nightclub business isn't what it used to be. Taxes have come up, things are more

expensive, so you can see, I'm in no position to give you any more money.

Ricky: Yes, sir. Absolutely. It's out of the question. You want any more coffee, Mrs. Littlefield?

Lucy: Ricky, I guess you’re just going to have to accept one of those other offers then.

Mr. Littlefield: Other offers?

Lucy: Yes. Ricky wasn’t going to say anything. He's so loyal, you know-- but other clubs have been

clamoring for him.

Mr. Littlefield: Really?

Ricky: I would say that they’re…

Lucy: Just the other day, a club manager called-- I won’t mention any names-- and offered Ricky twice as

much money as you're paying him.

Ricky: It wasn't twice as much.

Lucy: Oh, no. that's right. It was three times as much. But Ricky said, "No, no. If it’s at all possible, I want

to stay with good old Mr. Littlefield.” Didn’t you, Ricky?

Ricky: Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. My exact words.

Lucy: His exact words.

Mr. Littlefield: Well, that's very flattering.

Ricky: You understand, Mr. Littlefield I don't want to leave. I want to stay right where I am. I don't want

to go any place, you know. I'm happy there, but the people they're offering me so much money… I don't

know what, else to do, you know?

Mr. Littlefield: I see. I see your problem. How many such offers have you had?

Lucy: Twelve.

Ricky: Four. I got eight more this morning.

Lucy: Oh. Well, Mr. Littlefield?

Mr. Littlefield: Oh, this is a very difficult decision. Very difficult, very difficult. You’ve been wonderful for

the Tropicana. We have a fine personal relationship.

Ricky: Yes?

Mr. Littlefield: I can’t stand in your way, my boy. Take one of those other offers. Onward and upward

and you'll get to the top of the heap.

Lucy: But Mr. Littlefield, you don't understand. If you don't give Ricky that raise, you'll lose him. He'll

quit.

Mr. Littlefield: I understand perfectly.

Lucy: Oh, you do? We'll give him one more chance, dear. Mr. Littlefield, are you sure you don’t want to

change your mind and snap him up before it’s too late?

Mr. Littlefield: No.

Lucy: No?

Ricky: No?

Mr. Littlefield: No! N-o.

Ricky: All right. I quit. K-w-i-t.

Mr. Littlefield: All right.

Ricky: All right.

Mr. Littlefield: All right.

Lucy: All right! And don't think you're going to get my recipe for cheesecake either.

Mrs. Littlefield: What?

Ethel: Lucy, what's the meaning of this?

Lucy: What?

Ethel: This ad in the paper says that Xavier Valdez and his orchestra are opening at the Tropicana Club

Thursday night. Isn't Ricky there anymore?

Lucy: No, thanks to a certain bigmouth redhead.

Ethel: What are you talking about?

Lucy: Well, the other night Ricky told Mr. Littlefield that he had to have a raise or he'd quit and I egged

him onto it.

Ethel: And?

Lucy: That was some of the rottenest egging I ever did.

Ethel: Oh, Lucy. How's Ricky taking it?

Lucy: Just terrible. He's done nothing but mope around the house for two days. He won't even get out of

his pajamas.

Ricky: Hi, Ethel.

Lucy: Hi, Ricky. I'll get your breakfast.

Ricky: No, thank you. I want to get downtown.

Lucy: Oh, that's the spirit, Ricky. Don't let this get you down. Get out and fight. You'll be bringing home a

check again any day now.

Ricky: That's right. I'm on my way to the unemployment office right now. Well, how does it feel to be

married to an also-been?

Ethel: An also-been?

Lucy: He means a has-been.

Lucy: Gee, it's pitiful Ethel. I got to do something about getting his job back.

Ethel: Well, maybe this Xavier Valdez won't work out and Mr. Littlefield will be forced to ask Ricky to

come back again.

Lucy: Wouldn't it be wonderful if nobody showed up for Xavier's opening? Eh, it’d take a miracle,

though.

Ethel: Yeah.

Lucy: Wait a minute.

Ethel: What?

Lucy: I feel a miracle coming on.

Ethel: What do you mean?

Lucy: There are 75 tables at the Tropicana. What if I called as 75 different people and made 75

reservations, and then at the last minute got 75 headaches and couldn’t make it?

Ethel: Hey, that might work out.

Lucy: Sure. The place would be empty. I'm going to call the Tropicana right now.

(phone rings)

Maurice: Tropicana Club.

Lucy: Hello, this is Mrs. Worthington Proudfoot. I'd like to make a reservation for Thursday evening.

Maurice: Oh, fine, Mrs. Proudfoot. You are our first reservation.

Lucy: Oh, uh, charming, yes. I'd like a table for eight, please… yes. Yes, you're welcome. It worked! Say,

listen, Ethel why don’t you go down and make reservations on your phone? That way we'll tie up the

line and nobody else will be le to get a table.

Ethel: That's a good idea.

Lucy: Ok. I think I'll be a celebrity this time.

Ethel: I'll check with y later.

Lucy: Okay, honey. Hello, Tropicana, darling? I’d like a reservation for Thursday, darling. Yes, I'd like one

of those darling little tables underneath those darling little palm trees, darling. Goodbye.

(phone rings)

Maurice: Hello, Tropicana. Yes, we have a nice table for two. De la Chopa. Thank you. (phone rings)

Hello, Tropicana. Yes, Mrs. Thompson. (phone rings) Just one minute, please. Hello, Mrs. Bernette? Yes,

would you hold for a second, please? Yes Mrs. Thompson. Alright, Mrs. Bernette, all right. That's right.

That’s four at 8:00. Eight at 10:00… Sorry. I’m very sorry. No, I didn't mean you… Mrs. uh… Mrs. uh…

ooohhhh… Oh! Mon dieu! (speaking French) Thank you. Thank you very much. We'd be delighted to see

you. Good-bye.

Mr. Littlefield: Well, how’s everything going, Maurice?

Maurice: It’s amazing, Mr. Littlefield. We opened the book for reservations two hours ago, and we are

completely sold out.

Mr. Littlefield: Splendid, splendid.

Maurice: You know, I cannot understand it. This is the first time this has happened in the history of the

club.

Mr. Littlefield: It’s quite clear to me. I finally hired someone with talent.

(phone rings) Hello, Tropicana Club. No, I'm very, very sorry. We are all booked up. We are completely

sold out. Yes, yes. But it's impossible, Madame. That’s impossible.

Lucy: Oh, well, are you sure that you don't have just one little table for Scarlet Culpepper? Oh, well, I am

sorry. Is that so? Well, I declare. Well, bye now. Whew!

(groans)

Ethel: Oh! Oh, brother. I can’t make one more phone call. My finger’s all worn down to the nub.

Lucy: You won’t have to. They're all sold out.

Ethel: Good.

Lucy: Harry and Bess Truman got the last table. Hey, this will make Ricky look pretty good, huh, Fred?

Fred: Well, I don't know if it will make Ricky look good but it will certainly make the other guy look bad.

Lucy: Hey, that's right, Ethel. We have to make Mr. Littlefield realize that those people aren't showing up

because Ricky Ricardo isn’t there.

Ethel: Oh, yeah. How?

Lucy: Gee, I don’t know. I guess we'll just have to go in and sit down at the table and then everybody get

up and walk out when we find out Ricky isn't playing there.

Ethel: Oh, no. We’d be recognized.

Lucy: Well, not necessarily. Depends on how we're fixed up.

Fred: Sure. We could all be disguised.

Lucy: Yeah.

Ethel: But Lucy, one table of people walking out isn't going to mean anything.

Lucy: Well, maybe we could go out and come back a couple of times or something.

Ethel: How?

Lucy: Well.

Fred: Wait a minute.

Lucy: What?

Fred: I got a pal that’s a quick-change artist.

Ethel: Hal king!

Fred: Yeah, and I'll bet he'd let us borrow all his trick wardrobe.

Lucy: Well call him up. What are you waiting for? Come on!

Mr. Littlefield: Well, everything all set?

Maurice: Yes, sir. Everything is fine.

Mr. Littlefield: Ah, wonderful, wonderful.

Maurice: In a few moments, this room will be filled with 300 jolly, fun-seeking, money-spending

revelers.

Maurice: Psst, psst. They're beginning to arrive. Good evening.

Lucy: Good evening.

Maurice: Do you have a reservation?

Lucy: Mrs. Worthington Proudfoot and party.

Maurice: Oh, yes, yes. Table 29. This way, please.

Lucy: Charming place. They changed the decor here.

Maurice: Is this satisfactory?

Lucy: Yes, everything is fine. Thank you. You know my dear, you’re going to be very impressed with this

chap, Ricky Ricardo. Very remarkable chap, Ricky Ricardo.

Maurice: Oh, I’m sorry, Madame.

Lucy: What about?

Maurice: Yes, Ricky Ricardo is not here anymore. Oh, but we have that world-famous entertainer Xavier

Valdez.

Lucy: No Ricky Ricardo?

Ethel: But we only came here to hear Ricky Ricardo.

Lucy: Certain, oui?

Fred: If the Ricardo chap isn't here, we may as well pop off.

Lucy: Indeed.

Maurice: (stammering) Oh, please, please, wait. You'll enjoy Xavier Valdez. He's a lot more clever than

Riky Ricardo.

Lucy: Please! Really. No one is more clever than Ricky Ricardo, peasant.

Mr. Littlefield: Where is everybody?

Maurice: Well, I don't know. There was that one group over there, but they walked out.

Mr. Littlefield: Yes, yes, I know, I know.

Maurice: Good evening.

Ethel: Mrs. Miriam Chumley and party.

Maurice: Oh, certainly. Table 27. Ah, this way, please.

Fred: Righto, righto.

Lucy: Hiya

Mr. Littlefield: Good evening.

Lucy: The rest of my party ain’t here yet.

Mr. Littlefield: Do you have a reservation?

Lucy: Do I have a reservation? Of course I have a reservation. Seventeen people, that's all. Magilicuddy.

Mr. Littlefield: Magilicuddy...

Lucy: Miss Magilicuddy.

Mr. Littlefield: Oh! Yes, indeed, yes. Maurice, Maurice! Miss Magilicuddy’s table, number 11.

Mr. Littlefield: The rest of her party will be here shortly.

Maurice: This way, please, Miss Magilicuddy.

Lucy: Hiya, Maury.

Maurice: This is your table right here.

Lucy: I guess I'm a little early. This is my favorite club. You always put on a good show here. I always say

that. I always tell everybody that. You should hear me. I always say, "You never get let down if you go

and see Ricky Ricardo." That's what I always say.

Maurice: Oh, but… uh… Ricky Ricardo is not here anymore.

Lucy: Ricky Ricardo ain’t here no more? Well, I'm getting out of this crummy dump.

Maurice: Oh, but if you please…

Lucy: Please save your breath.

Ethel: I beg your pardon. Did I hear you say that Ricky Ricardo isn't here anymore?

Lucy: Yeah. How do you like that?

Ethel: Well, I don't like it at all.

Mr. Littlefield: Please, please… I assure you, if you stay, you won't be disappointed.

Lucy: Ha!

Ethel: My good man, is Ricky Ricardo appearing here tonight or not?

Mr. Littlefield: Well…No.

Ethel: That's all. Let me use your telephone.

Mr. Littlefield: Please, Mrs. Chumley, no.

Lucy: Say, buster, who's the stupe that let Ricky Ricardo slip through his fingers? You?

Mr. Littlefield: Well, yes.

Lucy: Oh, brother.

Ethel: Hello, Mary. This is Miriam. I just called to tell you not to bother to come to the Tropicana Club

tonight. Ricky Ricardo isn't appearing here anymore. Yes, I knew you'd want to know.

Mr. Littlefield: Oh, no, no, please.

Ethel: Cancel Mrs. Ackerman's reservation.

Mr. Littlefield: But Mrs. Ackerman has a reservation for 30 people.

Ethel: I know.

Lucy: That a girl, Crumley.

Lucy: Here we go. Up and at 'em.

Mr. Littlefield: Oh but ladies, ladies…

Fred: You’re jolly well stupid, you know.

Maurice: Now, do not worry, Mr. Littlefield. After all, they looked rather strange.

Mr. Littlefield: Maybe they did look strange, but they were paying customers.

Mrs. Littlefield: Hello.

Mr. Littlefield: Ah…Oh. Oh, it's you.

Mrs. Littlefield: What's the matter, Alvin? Well, where is everybody?

Mr. Littlefield: They're all out washing their hands.

Mrs. Littlefield: Isn't this opening night? Aren't you sold out? What happened?

Mr. Littlefield: Oh, please… please stop asking so many questions, Phoebe. Here, here. Sit down. Pretend

you're enjoying yourself.

Mrs. Littlefield: Hmm?

Mr. Littlefield: Well, at least smile.

(chuckling) ..

Mr. Littlefield: Uh… good evening. Do you have a reservation?

Lucy: Of course we have a reservation. Don't we have a reservation?

Fred: Oh, dear. Hazel, look.

Lucy: Oh! Countess Blueblichki, Ricky Ricardo isn't playing here tonight.

Ethel: Ricky Ricardo is not here anymore?

Mr. Littlefield: Well, Mr. Ricardo finished his engagement here.

Lucy: Well, where is he playing? We'll go there.

Ethel and Fred: Yes…

Mr. Littlefield: Well, that does it. Maurice, get Ricky Ricardo on the phone. If I don't get him back I'll go

bankrupt.

Lucy: Oh, that’s a very smart move, my man. Yes, yes. When you get Ricky Ricardo back here we'll be

back again. Good-bye. Come, girls.

Lucy: Gee, I wish Ricky would come home or phone or something.

Ethel: Didn't his note say he'd phone?

Lucy: No, it just says, it says, “Mr. Littlefield called and wanted to talk to me. I think he wants to hire me

back.”

Lucy: Here he is.

Ricky: Oh, hiya, folks.

Fred and Ethel: Hi, Ricky.

Lucy: Hi, honey.

Ricky: How’s everybody?

Lucy: We got your note. What happened?

Ricky: Oh, Lucy, you should have seen what happened.

Lucy: No kidding.

Ricky: Let’s see, I went down to the Tropicana and there wasn't one single solitary soul in the place.

Lucy: No?

Ricky: And not only that, but Maurice told me that the few people that came in, as soon as they found

out that I wasn’t there, out they went.

Lucy: Fantastic.

Ethel: My goodness.

Fred: Boy!

Ricky: Well, I guess I didn't realize how popular I am.

Lucy: Well, what did Mr. Littlefield say? Does he want you back?

Ricky: Does he want me back? I'll say he does. He offered me twice as much money as I was getting

before.

Lucy: Really? When do you start?

Ricky: I dun't.

Lucy: You dun't? What do you mean?

Ricky: Well, why should I work for him? If I'm that popular, I can write my own ticket anyplace in town!

Lucy: No!