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RealFamilies Follow Real Families

BY ROBIN KIRK 

How “World of Warcraft” helped me through mydivorceMy marriage was falling apart when my son begged me to play.

 Who knew a computer game could teach me so much?

TOPICS: REAL FAMILIES, DIVORCE, GAMING, LIFE STORIES, VIDEO GAMES

For those of you without boy s underfoot: “World of Warcraft” is an online

computer game where players log in to explore a world of grim forests,

mountain ranges and jungles crawling with purple Undead, among other

creatures. Quests earn treasure, skills and opportunities for ever-more-

difficult quests. Death is frequent, but adds up to only a brief pause in

play. “Resurrection” begins in the shadow of an angel hovering to spooky music. Then you run to the spot where you were slaughtered, click 

“accept,” live again and play on.

“WoW,” as it is known, is not for moms, especially ones who think 

computer-based games are only slightly less harmful than crack cocaine.

It is not necessarily for people with jobs or old houses or novels-in-

progress. Playing can suck up entire afternoons. At the end of a session,

all I have to show for my time is a shoulder twisted by keyboarding and a

 virtual knapsack filled with ruined leather scraps (you can loot and skin

 your prey), copper coins and frayed pants, depending on my adventures.

“WoW” is definitely not for someone facing the end of three decades of 

marriage. Yet I am all of these things as well as a Darkspear Troll mage,

 with my home in the Barren Lands, a savanna populated with livid pink T-Rexes who wear blue necklaces and matching earrings. I am Level 21 (out

of 70), just high enough to get out of the newbie playpen and die suddenly 

as I stray past cave bears or mega-spiders.

Beside an occ asional game of “Pong” played when I waitressed as a

college student, I am not a gamer. My son — 9, intensely soc ial, a reader

WEDNESDAY, J AN 19, 2011 9:07 PM FLE STANDARD TIME

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of Greek myths and Marvel Comics and deprived of even a Game Boy — is

the one who proposed spending his allowance on a “WoW” installation

disk and the monthly subscription necessary to play.

 Another summer, I would have enforced the ban on computer-based

games. Too many times, I’ve seen formerly healthy, interesting, friendly 

 boys grow fat and sullen in front of a screen. My husband and I treasured

our son’s bright interest in the world, his delicious combination of 

 bravado and intensity that makes little boys such delightful creatures.

Until my husband delivered the 10-minute fatwa: He wasn’t happy, had

never been and wanted (or already had) the younger girlfriend. Without warning, I joined a great and storied company: the Unwanted.

Summer had just begun. When my husband and I dec ided to have

children and buy a house, we read all of the how-to books. Now, faced

 with divorce, I headed to the bookstore, struggling to map the terrain of 

lawyers and therapists and single parenthood.

 At 1 4, my daughter is old enough to imagine life post-parent. But my son

is still in that time (I remember it well) when you cannot imagine living

 without your mom and dad. That summer, my son forbid me to swim

 beyond the crest of the waves when we visited the beach. At night, he

 would sneak into my bed, pressing his feet into mine. He examined me for

signs that I was falling apart.

So when he asked for “WoW,” I surprised myself by saying y es. To play,

 you create an avatar from one of two factions: Horde or Alliance. The

 Alliance has more beautiful avatars; the Horde more interesting ones. I

selected a Horde troll, since I could have tusks like a wild boar. Tusks, I

reasoned, would be a useful feature to have in the life I found myself so

unwillingly leading, as a divorced, almost 50 mother of two.

In many ways, “WoW” was weirdly ev ocativ e of what I faced in life. I was

newly alone and, like my avatar, dependent on the skills I had, not the

ones I wished for. At each turn, I seemed to be facing new dangers. Often,

I died. But I rose again and again, finding within myself a bedrock 

strength that even this calamity did not erase.

My son and I learned “WoW” together. While he commandeered the

keyboard, I sat beside him, to help him choose a path. “WoW” has rightly  been praised as a game developers’ masterpiece of landscape. The flat

expanse of eastern Colombia, for ex ample, is similar to the Barren Lands.

Darnassus looks like a nighttime version of Muir Woods, if only someone

had installed glowing purple lights and slime creatures.

My son has a generous, intuitive spirit. Though I’ve done my best to seem

normal, like a weather vane he reads my moods. For weeks, I walked like

the Undead through the routines of family life. I felt as gaping as the

creatures in Undercity , a “WoW” metropolis, with their chests ripped

open to expose neon-colored hearts. During the miserable months of 

 August, I felt suffocated by the heat and loneliness, abandoned in some

game cul-de-sac the developers had forgotten to populate.

Then my son would invite me to play, his voice shiny with intentionalcheer. I would find myself with his arm curled around my neck like the

tenderest, toughest vine. His fear of what was happening to us moored me

to earth. The end of love is a voy age to an unknown land, with mysteries

and dangers that I had to learn to navigate. No wonder explorers need to

 write accounts of their travels. If the story goes untold, then it is just a lot

of pounding down unnamed trails, with no real reward.

So here are my “WoW” lessons, thanks to my son: Adversity earns

experience that levels you up and gives you more power. I don’t advise

 you to head heedlessly into an unexplored place; monsters can smack 

 you down without warning. Read the rule book first. On the other hand,

exploring can lead you to a particularly choice piece of treasure. Caution

and adventure can be compatible, in other words.

Flying is always a good idea. Watch y our health and mana, the “WoW”

term for spirit and magical power. But do not conserve these endlessly,

since spending some can lead to great rewards.

Repair your armor. Drink water. There is always a king at the center of the

castle or the depths of a cave and it is a good idea to talk to him. Help

Reality, exploded

Now Mitt’s refusingto debate

Hollywood’s real-lifenight at the

museum

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other players when they are in trouble. If y ou are lucky, another player

 will help you just when you need it.

I hate seeing my children hurt. But I’ve also seen my son reveal gifts that

had, until my “WoW” summer, been hidden to me. My son ministered to

me, in his way and with his tools. Y es, it was via a computer game, that

mixed bag. He sat with me and hugged me and helped me fire-blast Scarlet

Hunters and retriev e crates stolen by Dustwind Harpies. Through these

 wild characters, all the gore and running, with the shrill shriek of Decayed

Morlocks in my ears, I felt his love.

I was never, really, alone. On many afternoons, a little boy carried me.

 More Robin Kirk

Meanwhile,

 Your ex -husband had a real life with another actual human being. I

think he probably picked the better road.

Max level in WoW is 85

 I am Level 21 (out of 70),

Unless you haven't played in years, the max level in Wow is 85.

The max levels are. The last three are expansions.

Classic = 60

Burning Crusade = 7 0

 Wrath of Lich King = 80

Cataclysm = 85

 Well said

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Jack AcidWednesday, January 19, 2011 at 2:02 pm

XanthroWednesday, January 19, 2011 at 2:02 pm

LaFrancescaWednesday, January 19, 2011 at 2:20 pm

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Bravo to you. I can't tell you how closely I c an relate to this article. I

have a son who was 9 the summer my husband issued the same "fatwa."

My son has been begging me for y ears to learn to play WoW. Now, 18

months after my separation, as my son pieces his new world together,

maybe WoW can be a a new way for us to connect. Thanks for a great

article!

 WoW can be very beneficial

I have a form of autism (PDD:NOS) and for the first 17 years of my life I

 basically talked to no one and had zero friends. It was such a nice

discovery that in-game I have no problems at all with all my social

anxieties that burden me in real-life and I managed to create quite

lasting friendships there.

 Admitting you play WoW is often cause for mockery , and many think 

it's just kind of scheme to keep you addicted, but whatever that, the

experience of playing together with people of your choosing can be

rather wonderful and for me it's worth all the evenings when I stayed

inside playing.

inspiring

 As a long-time player of WoW, I have read many artic les about the

game but this one was the first to stir my heart. Your advice is good

too! :)

@Jack Acid: First of all, she started playing WoW after the divorce.

Second of all, if y ou aren't familiar with WoW-type games, you will not

understand how they can bring people together instead of isolatingthem. I will not bore you with the details since you seem uninterested

in learning before speaking.

My name is Morally_Bankrupt and I'm an altoholic.

My family play s WoW together. We have fun, though we do laugh at

how we must look, the three of us lined up in a row, madly clicking

 buttons and cursing loudly whenever our dungeon group wipes.

Level 85 troll shamanLevel 80 undead warlock 

Level 80 blood elf paladin

Level 47 blood elf priest

Level 42 goblin mage

and a few other toons too!

That tapped something

The image of a little-boy-arm, thin and soft yet firm with love, sharing

 with you and supporting you.

That was a very strong image. I'm glad that you had a son who is so

 wise and so kind.

Ceres-

Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 2:27 pm

 whiskeyjack Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Morally_BankruptWednesday, January 19, 2011 at 2:40 pm

 AbbreviationWednesday, January 19, 2011 at 3:01 pm

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Permalink Lo in to Re l Fla

I read this intending to sneer

 At losers who play v ideogames all the time. (OK, I still will but later.)

But I've been where you've been, Robin, though it was in a era when

the video games were a lot lamer and less intoxicating. A divorce is

always brutal, and the harshest and most brutal are the "fatwa" kind

 you describe -- the abandonment of a faithful spouse, and oftenchildren, and a home...for the shallowest and most selfish of reasons.

If any words ever drive me to sheer head-exploding rage, it's the

rewriting of history encapsulated in the phrase "I never loved you..."

 Yeah right. You were pretending for 10 , 15, 1 8 years.

I imagine that could drive someone to murder or suicide, or alcohol

or drugs, so if all you did was hole up and play some overpriced video

games, you did OK.

I suppose I would still rather have read that you taught your son how 

to fish...or went backpacking with him through a National Park. That

 you built a clubhouse for him, or worked on some Boy Scout badges.

Things are that are real and tangible, that would give him solid real-

 world skills and sense of accomplishment.

I think it's a little scary how many young people are growing up

entirely immersed in the world of some game or another -- and that

 you (as an adult and parent, as well as some other posters here) can

actually say things like "yeah I met a lot of great people and had social

experiences through playing a video game." NO YOU DID NOT. You

likely NEVER MET any of those people in real life...never talked about

anything that actually EXISTS.

 You were playing with them, but playing with shadows....playing "role

models"...pretending. That's fine up to a point, but in gaming, there

typically IS NO POINT beyond the play. You are never real people,

together in real space, experiencing the unfolding of real time

together.

 You've also sort of taught your son that when things are tough, and

 you are depressed and hurt, it's a great idea to bury yourself in a

fictional universe, where fictional problems are solved by even more

fiction. Rather than to make new friends, enjoy new REAL

experiences, learn actual stuff (in a universe where you can't "fly" or be

magically reincarnated) and in your case, date and form a new 

relationship.

If I seem harsh (and yeah, I'm old and no, I don't much like gaming; it

 bores me to tears) it's because I've seen too many young lives wasted

in front of a glowing screen. Our daughter sheepishly admits she

 wasted about 4-5 years of her life gaming -- mostly WOW and some

Star Wars sort of game that is similar -- and that in that time, sheavoided making serious decisions about her life, her education, her

 job (waitressing) and her boy friend (slacker loser who was never going

to marry her or have kids). Today, she's got her head on straight and is

finishing college -- at age 33. But losing those 4 or 5 y ears was a huge

 bite out of her young life that was entertaining at times, certainly 

addictive in some aspects, but more importantly, lead to NOTHING of 

permanence or value...not even real flesh & blood friends you could

actually call or have a beer with.

I hope y ou've moved on, and gotten past the pain (and I hope your ex-

husband is roasting in hell and has sixteen kinds of painful venereal

diseases), but I can't help wonder how y ou'd be different -- and what

 you might be writing about -- if you'd instead read your son a book 

every night, instead of gaming. Or sat out and watched the stars. Orlearned to play a musical instrument.

I don't know. I'm just saying. There has to be more to human existence

that staring glazedly at a glowing screen for 4, 6, 8 hours at a time --

and don't even get me started on the health consequences.

Laure1962Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 3:12 pm

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Blood Elf Mage--Level 85

I am a 60 year old engineer and attorney and am most certainly one of 

the oldest play ers of WOW. I play because it is fun and I constantly 

marvel at the user interface and the love that the developers put into

the content. I think that this virtual world technology will be some of 

the most important for the 21st century.

I have played with parents and children questing from time to time. I

think it is a wonderful way for them to bond and to see each other

through a new filter. I have to agree with several of the posters

though, WOW can be too much of a good thing. Its not called "World of 

 Warcrack" for nothing.

Congrats on being a rare exception

But sorry, I 've seen first hand (and second hand through many, many "WoW addiction" sites) the damage done when playing the game gets

out of hand. Lost jobs, relationships ended, massive weight gained.

 And the game is such a pointless waste of time with sad graphics and

no real goals after y ou initially "beat" it. At least something like "Final

Fantasy" eventually releases its death grip on your mind.

Long story short: sorry, religion and t.v. - your "opiate of the masses"

status has been usurped.

Submission Procedure

These little personal-interest essays on Salon, is there a process these

go through before making it on the website, or are they published as

soon as the writer hits "send"? These community college writing

exercises tend to be of unpublishable quality, this one in particular.

Maybe her husband left her for a writer who doesn't use the template

in the back of the "Essay Writing 101" textbook.

@Laure...

I'd love to hear you explain to me how losing contact with all

humanity by reading terrible novels is a good use of time, but

spending an evening helping a friend work through the details of 

expanding their small business isn't? Oh, that's right, it's because while

 we were discussing his legal and marketing issues we were killing

digital dragons. And obviously you were only recommending that

people lose themselves in *good* literature.

Got it.

I've spent many hours playing WoW. And since I'm like most other

middle-class Americans, without WoW most of those hours frankly 

 would have been spent instead either reading or watching movies, by 

myself, not interacting with any human beings whatsoever.

Instead, with my headset and microphone I've talked to and

developed casual but multi-year friendships with dozens of real life

people from all over North America (and yes, I've actually met a few,

as they've passed through my city). I've talked at length about endless

Busy Body Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 3:29 pm

the_pairWednesday, January 19, 2011 at 3:43 pm

 jk123Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Karl LWednesday, January 19, 2011 at 4:01 pm

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topics with them, from issues with their children to decisions about

 whether or not to leave their jobs and pursue their PhDs. I've

congratulated them on marraige and helped through the pain of 

divorce too. All while pushing buttons and pursuing the death of 

digital bad guys.

But it's ok. I see where you're coming from. Life would be so much

richer (and dare I say romantic?) if we all just spent our leisure time

dreamily staring into a sky full of stars and accomplishing nothing but

 warming our souls with the mystery of the cosmos.

RE: the_pair

Just because y ou don't like it is no reason to imply WoW can't be

enjoyed in a healthy way. Just like with television, someone who

absentmindedly watches rv the whole day is hardly someone to envy,

 but doesn't every one watch tv often? That's not seem as something

unhealthy.

Beautiful Story 

 Very touching. Ignore the assholes who's mothers didn't teach them to

keep their pieholes shut instead of reflexively spouting their cruel

 bullshit at every opportunity.

 You were married for 30 years and have a 9 y ear old

 And now you're head over heels in mommy-world? Maybe that's part

of the foundational problem. When most couples are looking forward

to getting some relief from mommy-daddy-world, you just can't get

enough being your 3rd grader's best friend. Kinda of makes me wonder

how fucked up the first 21 years were.

Or were you running around the world having drunken orgies in the

midst of a terrorist firefight while penning your Federal grant

paperwork for a research grant to write a feminist novel about the

headhunters of Borneo? Life can be pretty boring after all of that.

Just a word of caution

I lov e WOW and thought it was a great game because it took my mind

off my precarious situation - unemployed and then going on disability.

I got so hooked that I barely got any sleep and I basically stopped

doing anything else. After a year of non-stop playing I quit playing the

game.

Having said all this I thought it was a God sent during my difficult

times and it seems to be the same for you. Enjoy those moments as

they will become great memories after the storm has passed.

Ceres-Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Ras_NestaWednesday, January 19, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Hissing the GoldenWednesday, January 19, 2011 at 4:56 pm

IMHO2010Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 5:31 pm

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Great article

Great article. You sound like a great person and a great mother.

Ignore the mean letters - maybe they're jealous you are such a good

 writer. Or just can't resist kicking someone when they're down.

I found it very moving. Also very threatening - I write novels and if 

this is what's on offer out there I start to understand why people aren't

 buying fiction so much any more.

Finally, I love it that you have found this incredible connection with

 your son. As he grows and needs to separate from you in the next few  years I hope you'll both be able to negotiate this with grace. Therefore,

as your online good fairy I wish you, in the years to come, a lov ing fun

 boyfriend, and your son a wonderful group of real life friends.

 Awesome

I'm not big on these divorce pieces, because it's never clear what the

real story is about why you and your husband split up -- less so when

it's so one-sided, and you're both educated.

But that was still an awesome piece. And I enjoy ed it. Keep writing.

 WoW family time

It seems like nothing brings out the vicious like people saying

something positive about video games! Ignore them. People hate that

 which they do not understand.

Thanks for the beautiful article. And congratulations on finding a way 

to connect with your son, especially during a difficult time. I also have

the pleasure of sharing WoW with my family. Although my father, my 

 brother, my sister and I are spread across three different states, we get

to "see" each other for a couple of hours every week, as we work 

together to battle the "mobs" in Azeroth. My sister and I are closer

now than we have been for years. I've also delighted in getting to know 

my oldest nephew, who also occasionally joins in. None of us is

"addicted". All of us have full lives and other interests outside the

 video game. We have plenty to talk about besides ou mutual game

experience. But WoW has given us another positive way to be a family 

together, even as adults, even across timezones.

Been there, done that...

...The fatwa, the boy , the game, and I, too appreciate what it did for

me. When my ex dropped the bomb, my son was about the same age,

and heard about WoW from a friend. We tried it, and the first hour I

played was the most fun I'd had in years, and well worth the cost. I 've

played almost since the game was released, a lot, at first, and less,

now. My son and I played together, in the beginning, but he has since

moved on to other games.

 When first divorced, I was pretty traumatized. I had moved to a new town, knew no one, and didn't have the confidence or psychological

energy to deal with it. Over time, I developed in-game friendships, and

despite what one other poster said - yeah, they are real friendships.

 We visit in one another's homes, have meals together, talk outside of 

the game, etc.

Reality-Based Lefty Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 7:20 pm

difisk Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 7:36 pm

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Eventually, my confidence boosted by my in-game relationships, I

 was able to get out of the house and find other, local friends. I play 

less, now, and spend more time camping, crafting, etc.

My son also worked through similar issues, and eventually gave up

most of his game time for sports and girls :-) He uses some of the team

and leadership skills he learned from gaming in his non-gaming life,

too, which is a nice plus.

So, I say, good for y ou! I wish you both the joys of gaming, and of "real

life." The two, despite the claims of some in this thread, are not

incompatible.

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