How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen

8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen

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Tips from a Therapist ™

How to Talk so yourSpouse will Listen

Linda Walter, LCSW ____________________________

www.lindawaltercounseling.com

http://www.lindawaltercounseling.com/

http://www.lindawaltercounseling.com/



How to Talk

so your

Spouse

will Listen

by

Linda Walter, LCSW

Copyright © 2011, Linda Walter

Series Copyright © 2011 to present, Linda Walter

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by anymeans, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording,taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the writtenpermission of the copyright holder.



Contents

What is Communication?

What is Effective Communication?

Non Verbal Communication

Tips to help your communication with others go more smoothly

Exercises to help



How to Talk so yourSpouse Will Listen

Why doesn’t he listen to me?

Why does she keep saying the same things over and over again?

Why do I have to keep repeating myself?

Why doesn’t she understand what I’m trying to say?

Have you ever found yourself asking any of these questions?

Could it be that you and your spouse or partner are not communicating

with each other effectively?

If there is any single key to successful relationships, it is communication.

Communication is the lifeline of business and personal relationships.

What is communication?

According to Dictionary.com, it’s “the imparting or interchange of thoughts,

opinions, or information by speech,writing or signs.”

When we communicate with others we hope to effectively share our ideas,

thoughts and feelings. Why? Because we want people to understand and listen

to us.

Let’s examine the communication process:It consists of:

• What you mean to say, in other words, the message you're trying to get

across,



• How you say it, i.e., what your tone of voice is, your facial expression,

your body language,

• How the listener interprets what you've said,

• Giving feedback on the message to show that it has been correctly

understood.

Unfortunately, the communication process doesn’t always run smoothly.

Sometimes, people don’t actually understand what we’re saying. Sometimes,

they’re not even listening to what we’re saying. And sometimes, we or they

aren’t communicating effectively. As the late actor Paul Newman said in the

movie Hud, “What it looks like we have here is a failure to communicate.”

Communication is a funny thing. When you want to listen to someone and hear

what they say, chances are you will hear just about every word. When you’re not

ready to hear, chances are you’ll hear every 10th word, or even less.

Examples of how the communication process

can go awry.

The names mentioned below are not the real names of my clients.



I’ll tell her what’s on my mind...

Consider the following interaction between John, a man I saw in therapy, and his

wife. John and his wife had agreed that it was important for him to come to

therapy. One day when he was getting ready to come to my office, she asked

him to stay home to watch the kids so she could go to her friend’s house to helpwith something. According to John, the visit to her friend’s house was not time

sensitive and could easily have been postponed for an hour or two. He was

furious. His plan, when he got home, was to let her know how insensitive and

unsupportive she had been.

I asked John what he thought the outcome of confronting his wife would be and

he said he thought she would probably get angry and defensive and that would

lead to an argument. I reminded John that he was indeed in the session which

must have meant that in the end, his wife was willing to let him come.

I suggested that, instead of giving his wife a hard time when he got home, hemight say, “Thank you for supporting me in keeping to my appointment.” He

was shocked at my suggestion and I could see, very uncomfortable with it. He

wanted to know why he should thank her if she had given him a hard time. I

said, “Because she did let you come and because it’s probably better to avoid an

argument so that you can discuss this calmly.”

John reluctantly agreed to try my suggestion but was clearly skeptical that it

would work. Later that day I received an email from him thanking me. He had

said exactly what we had rehearsed and reported, “It worked like a charm.” It

immediately disarmed his wife, allowed her to listen instead of becoming

defensive, and they were then able to sit and talk about what had happened and

how to prevent it from happening in the future.

It’s so much easier for us to listen to someone when they are not attacking, not

blaming, not accusing.

I keep saying the same thing over and over again but he just

doesn’t listen...

I saw Mary in therapy. She was extremely annoyed with her husband because,

no matter how many times she asked him to pick his clothes up from the floor

and put them away, each day she found articles of clothing, not only on the

bedroom floor, but around the house. She was even more furious because her

children, she believed having learned from their father, began to do the same

thing.



I wondered what the process of communication had been between Mary and her

husband regarding the clothes issue. She said she had initially asked him to pick

up his things and he usually said, “OK” but didn’t do it. She then began

reminding him to pick them up whenever she saw something on the floor. He

usually responded to this by saying, “Later.” This response caused Mary to get

increasingly annoyed until she began to nag him. Her husband started gettingvery angry, sometimes ignored her and sometimes said, “Leave me alone!” He

also, at times shouted, “If you want the clothes picked up that badly why don’t

you do it yourself!” Obviously this had progressed into an unproductive and even

destructive communication pattern in which neither Mary nor her husband got

what they wanted.

Why do we think Mary’s husband didn’t do as she had asked? Is he mean? Does

he want to annoy her? Does he not care about her? Probably none of the above.

Can’t she see I don’t want to talk about it?

Pete related the following story to me while in therapy. He had come home from

work one day in a very bad mood and admitted this was probably obvious to his

wife. Upon seeing him, his wife asked him what was wrong. Because he didn’t

want to talk about it, he told her there was nothing wrong. Not believing this she

said, “I can see there’s something wrong, tell me, maybe I can help.” But Pete

wasn’t budging and kept repeating that there was nothing wrong. His wife got

upset and angry and asked him again to tell her what had happened. At this

point Pete got very annoyed, yelled at her and stormed off saying, “There’snothing wrong. If I wanted to talk to you I would. Now you’ve made me feel

worse and I wish you would just leave me alone!” What went wrong in

this situation?

Can’t he just listen to me without telling me what I should do?

Jane related the following incident to me. One day she came home from work

after having an extremely difficult time with her boss and coworkers. She beganto tell her husband about her day during dinner. After several minutes, he

interrupted her and said, “You know what you should do? You should go in there

tomorrow, demand a meeting with your boss and let her know you believe she

treated you unfairly.” Jane told him she didn’t feel should could do that and went

on to continue her story. Her husband, getting a little frustrated, interrupted her

again and repeated his advice. She again told him that she couldn’t do that,

confronting her boss in that way wasn’t something she was comfortable doing, to



which he replied, “Then what are you telling me about this for if you’re not going

to listen to me?” He then walked away in a huff.

What went wrong in the above examples? Personality flaws? Incompatible

couples? Know-it-alls? Naggers? Could be, but most likely not. Ineffective

communication is the culprit. Not effectively expressing your point in a way that

makes it easy to listen to. And, not effectively listening to another person in a

way that helps you to better understand what they are trying to tell you. Don’t

worry, we will discuss the above examples again in a moment.

What is effective communication?

Many problems between people are a result of a breakdown in communication. You know what you’re trying to say, but sometimes, it may not be so obvious to

others. Because you may believe you’re saying what you want to so clearly, you

may not realize that others might need clarification or even an explanation in

order to understand what you’re trying to say.



Our words and actions may also send mixed messages, creating confusion

instead of clarity. Saying, "I'm so happy to see you" with a frown or angry

expression sends conflicting signals.

Let’s break down the steps of communication.

Step one

Communication begins the minute you interact with someone, either verbally or

visually. As soon as you make eye contact with someone, you have begun to

communicate with them. Some sort of message is being sent and received.

Step two

If you decide you want to say something verbally to someone else you first need

to assess whether or not you think they are ready to receive the message. In

other words, it may not be best to just begin talking to someone when the urge

strikes. Are they busy? Are they talking to someone, on the phone, on the

computer, or doing something they look engaged in? Do you think something will

distract them from listening to you, do they look worried, do they look busy, do

they look ready to engage in a conversation? Remember, you want to say

something because you want to be heard. Taking this step will greatly increase

the chance that the other person will be ready and willing to listen to what youhave to say.

Step three

Let the other person know that you’d like to talk with them. This can be done in

a number of ways:

• Simply telling them you’d like to talk.

• Making small talk, for example, saying “hello” to see if they’re willing to

take the conversation further.

• Physically moving closer to them while facing them and making eye

contact.

Step four



The receiver will let you know if they are ready to receive your message, are

ready to listen to you. They may do this in any one of a number of ways:

• They’ll tell you they have time to talk. Or if they don’t have time, they’ll

let you know this is not a good time for them.

• They won’t make eye contact back.

• They’ll walk away as you move closer to them.

What should you do if someone lets you know they’re not ready to talk? Should

you say,” But I have to talk now, can’t your thing wait, you’re always telling me

you can’t talk?” How successful do you think you will be in getting you message

across? Remember, the purpose of communicating is to give another person

information. That means you want to give the message to them in a way that

you can be pretty sure they will listen and hear you.

Step five

Once you get the OK to begin your conversation, do so.

Step six

What should the receiver of the message do? The answer is simple: listen. When

someone talks to you, listen. Many of us listen to the first line and then start

thinking of how we’re going to respond. And what happens? We miss the rest of

the message. So the job of the listener is to listen. Listen to every word. If you’re

not sure of the message, ask. If you don’t understand what is being said, ask. Ifyou have a question, ask. But, above all, try not to interrupt. Wait until the

speaker stops speaking before you talk.

Nonverbal Communication

There are 2 kinds of messages we send out. And we send them out

simultaneously. One is the verbal message, the actual words we say, and the

other is the nonverbal message. Nonverbal messages comprise of how we say

things i.e., eye contact, tone of voice, hand gestures, body posture, etc.

Let me give you some examples:

• Suppose someone asks you how you are. You answer, “I’m fine” while

tears run down your face. Will they think you’re fine or will they think

you’re sad?



• What would you think if a person told you something or listened to you

without making eye contact with you? Would you think they are

disinterested in what you have to say, or are they engrossed in

conversation with you?

• How about if you were talking to someone and they started laughing at

you?

• What would you think if, while talking, the person to whom you are

talking started to check their phone?

Make sure your nonverbal gestures match the tone of the message you’re tryingto get across. People typically pay more attention to nonverbal communication

cues than they do to the words that are spoken. So be careful. Be as careful with

what you say as with how you say it.

Tips to help your communication with others go

more smoothly



1. Try to avoid saying “you never” or “you always”.

Listen to the difference:

“You never pick your clothes up from the floor” vs. “I would so appreciate it if

you would make an effort to pick up your clothes from the floor”. Which would

you rather listen to? How about this? “You never listen to me when I talk” vs.

“Sometimes I get the feeling that I’m not getting across to you”.

2. Say what you mean.

Don’t assume others will know what you mean. Don’t hint, don’t beat around the

bush. Say exactly what you mean. Compare these two statements:

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to stay late at work tomorrow and won’t be able to

go out for dinner as planned” vs. “I may not be able to make our dinnertomorrow”.

3. Start each statement with the word “I”.

If you need to say something to someone that may be contentious, try to start

each statement with the word “I” and not “You”. For example:

“I would appreciate it if”, “I feel better when you”, “It makes me feel … when I

see”, “It would help me if”.

When we start a comment with the word you, “You always”, “You make me feel”,it feels as if someone is wagging their finger at you to say you’re doing

something wrong. It usually puts them in a defensive position and they feel they

have to come out fighting.

4. Try to calm yourself down before speaking.

If you are being told something upsetting or the speaker is confronting you

about something, the best thing to do is to remain calm before you speak. Easier

said than done, I know.

So what’s the trick?

Try to repeat what the speaker said, this will give you a chance to calm down

and will let the speaker know you heard them. For example, “It sounds like

you’re angry because I don’t pick my clothes up”. Once the speaker knows they

are being heard, they will most likely calm down and be able to say what they



mean in a calmer fashion. You, as the listener will then be able to respond. Try to

do it calmly and in a non-accusatory way.

Solutions

Let’s go over the examples I gave in the beginning of this book and see different

ways we may approach the situations.

The first example was about the husband whose wife wanted

him to watch the children instead of coming to his therapy

appointment.

Scenario 1

Wife: I’d like to go see my friend. Would you stay home and watch the children?

Husband: But you know I have an appointment. Why are you doing this to me?

Wife: Doing what to you? I need to go out.

Husband: It’s always about you, what you want to do.

You can see where this conversation is going.

Scenario 2

Wife: I’d like to go see my friend, would you stay home and watch the children?

Husband: Sure, I’d be happy to. I have my therapy appointment to go to so I will

be available to help out in about 1 1/2 hours.

Wife: OK, thanks.

What’s the difference? In the first scenario the husband takes the point of view

that his wife is intentionally sabotaging his appointment time and is therefore

confrontational. In the second, he understands his wife’s need and is willing tohelp. He suggests a compromise. She feels heard and so agrees to the

compromise.



In the second example, Mary is very annoyed with husband

because he doesn’t pick his clothes up off the floor.

Scenario 1

Wife: There are clothes on the floor again. How many times have I asked you topick them up?

Husband: I’ll get to it later. Right now I have things to do.

Wife: You always say that and never get to it. Please pick them up now.

Husband. I said I can’t do it now. I’ll do it later.

Wife: Sure, just like you always do.

Scenario 2

Wife: Honey, I noticed there are clothes on the floor again. It makes me feel

unimportant when you say you’ll pick them up and then don’t.

Husband: I’m not trying to tell you you’re not important, I’m just saying picking

the clothes up isn’t important to me.

Wife: I’d like to ask that you do it anyway because it’s important to me. Is there

any way we can compromise on this?

Husband: Well, it’s second nature for me to drop them on the floor and I think

that would be difficult to change. Would it be OK if I picked them up beforegoing to bed at night?

Wife: So you’re saying that you’d be more inclined to pick them up if you needed

to do it only once a day, and that you’d prefer to do it at night?

Husband: Yes

Wife: Would it be OK if I remind you before you go to bed in case you forget?

Husband: That would be a good idea.

Wife: How should I remind you?

Quite a difference scenario and quite a different outcome.



In the third example, Pete came home in a bad mood but did

not want to talk about it.

Scenario 1

Husband walks in the door obviously upset.

Wife: What’s wrong? Did something happen at work?

Husband: No nothing’s wrong, nothing happened.

Wife: I can see something is wrong, why don’t you tell me what happened?

Husband: I’m telling you nothing happened, nothing’s wrong. Leave me alone

before something is really wrong!

Scenario 2

Husband walks in the door…

Wife: What’s wrong, did something happen at work?

Husband: No nothing’s wrong.

Wife: OK, perhaps you may have had a hard day. If you’d like to talk, I’m here.



In this second scenario, the husband will most likely feel that his wishes to not

talk have been respected and will be much more likely to open up to wife when

not forced to.

In the last example I gave, Jane comes home from work having

had a hard day. She tries to talk to her husband who wants to

tell her what to do to solve the problem.

Scenario 1

Wife: Boy, did I have a hard day. I had a hard time with my boss and with some

other coworkers.

Husband: What happened?

Wife: My boss gave me a hard time about a project I presented and the other

members of my team didn’t support me.

Husband: You know what you need to do? You need to insist on having an

appointment with your boss to tell her what you think of the situation. You need

to defend yourself.

Wife: Thanks for your suggestion, but I’m not really comfortable doing that.

Husband: Then what do you want from me? I’m just trying to give you

suggestions as to what to do. Why are you telling me about your problem then?

Scenario 2

Wife: Thanks for your advice honey. I can see that you really want to help me.

What I really need from you right now is to just listen. Let me vent and

complain. You don’t have to worry about trying to find a solution for me.

Husband: OK. So you don't need me to help you figure out what to do?

Wife: No. What I need you to do is just listen to me.

Husband: That's something I can do.

I think you get the idea.



Practice, Practice, Practice

Here are some suggestions for interactions you may want to try on your own.

1. You’re angry with your spouse for forgetting to buy milk. How do you

let them know?

2. Your spouse is angry with you and is yelling at you. How can you

respond in such a way as to end the yelling?

3. Your boss lets you know that they’re unhappy with your latest project.

How do you respond without sounding defensive?

4. Your son comes home from school obviously in a bad mood and yells

at you. How do you let him know that you know he’s upset without

confronting him?

5. You’re at the doctor’s office and feel very rushed. You feel the doctor

isn’t taking enough time to explain your situation. How can you let

them know that you need more of an explanation?

Try to start each of these examples with the word I and try to put yourself in the

other person’s place before responding.

Good luck.

Remember, communication is like the tango.

It takes two.



Linda Walter, LCSW has been a practicing

Psychotherapist for over 25 years and is Licensed and

Certified in the State of New York. She sees clients in

both Westchester and Manhattan, New York.

Ms. Walter sees individuals, couples, families and groups

in her practice and supervises other therapists. She

describes herself as a short term therapist. “I believe it

is important to concentrate on the healthy aspects of the

individual in order to strengthen those skills which will

help alleviate their pain or problem. I feel this is the most

humanistic approach to therapy and best meets my client's immediate needs,”

states Ms. Walter.

Although she sees a broad range of people, many of whom are going through

transitional phases in their lives and may be suffering from depression, she is

well known for her work with anxiety and stress related difficulties.

She has been featured in broadcast and print, and has taught a variety of mental

health and psychotherapy topics.

Look for other books in the Tips From a Therapist ™ series.

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How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen