LIBRETTOVOCALBOOK

THEFRANKLOESSERANDABEBURROWSMUSICAL

MusicandLyricsbyFrankLoesser

BookbyAbeBurrows,JackWeinstock,&WillieGilbert

Basedon“HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying”

ByShepherdMead

­ii­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

CHARACTERS

J.PIERREPONTFINCH

GATCH

JENKINS

TACKABERRY

PETERSON

J.B.BIGGLEY

ROSEMARY

BRATT

SMITTY

BUDFRUMP

MissJONES

Mr.TWIMBLE

HEDY

SCRUBWOMEN

MissKRUMHOLTZ

TOYNBEE

OVINGTON

POLICEMAN

WOMPER

TheentireactiontakesplaceinthenewParkAvenueofficebuildingofWorldWideWicketCompany,Inc.

­iii­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

MUSICALNUMBERS

ACT1Overture 1

1. Opening–ActOne 12. HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying 13. HappyToKeepHisDinnerWarm 123a. GoodMorning(EntranceSecretaries) 134. CoffeeBreak 144a. FrumpOnThePhone 215. TheCompanyWay 266. TheCompanyWay(Reprise) 347. Rosemary’sPhilosophy 388. Hedy 39

9. ASecretaryIsNotAToy 429a. TheExecutives'Exit 44 10. BeenALongDay 4911. BeenALongDay(Reprise) 5511a. SaturdayMorning 5612. GrandOldIvy 5913. GrandOldIvy(Reprise) 6313a. Vassar 6414. Hedy’sWalk 6814a. OnwardAndUpward 6914b. Girlsville 6915. ParisOriginal 7116. TheCompanyWay(aLaDanceBand) 7616a. TheExecutiveLanding 7617. ElevatorDance 7717a. EtherealGrandeur 79 18. Rosemary 81 19. RipTheChipmunk 87 20. Finale­ActOne 91

ACT221. Entr'acte 9322. Opening­ActTwo 9323. Cinderella,Darling 9524. IHaveReturned 10125. HappyToKeepHisDinnerWarm(Reprise) 105

25a. Knitorama 10526. LoveFromAHeartOfGold 10826a. TheLunchDate 11127. IBelieveInYou 11327a. IntoBoardRoom 11528. T.V.Announcement 12529. TheYo­Ho­Ho 12630. Hedy’sFanfare 12630a. TheFirstClue 12730b. Disaster 12831. IBelieveInYou(Rosemary) 13132. Doom 13333. BrotherhoodOfMan 13934. MoreDoom 143 34a. Hallelujah 14635. Finale(TheCompanyWay) 14636. Bows 14637. ExitMusic

­1­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Overture (Orchestra)

ACTONESceneI

#1–OpeningAct1 (Orchestra)

(EXTERIOROFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANYAttheendoftheOverturethehousecurtain goes up. A one­manwindowwashingmachine descendswith FINCH on it. He iswearingawindowwasher'scoveralls.Heworksonawindowwithasqueegeeandattheswiietimereadsapocketbook,"HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying."Wedon'tseeFINCH’sfaceimmediately.WethenhearthevoiceofthebooktellingwhatFINCHisreading.)

BOOKVOICE

Dear Reader, This little book is designed to tell you everything you need to know about thescienceofgettingahead.

(FINCHturnsfronttowardtheaudience,andturnspageinthebook.)Now let us assume you are young, healthy, clear‐eyed and eager, anxious to rise quickly andeasilytothetopofthebusinessworld.Youcan!

FINCH

(Lookingup)Ican!

(Hecontinueslookingatbook.)

BOOKVOICEIf you have education and intelligence and ability, so much the better. But remember thatthousandshavereachedthetopwithoutanyofthesequalities.

(Scaffoldlowerstothefloor.)

Justhavecourageandmemorizethesimplerulesinthechaptersthatfollow.Ifyoutrulywishtobeamongtheluckygoldenfew,youcan!

FINCHIcan!

(Heputssqueegeedowninpailtohisleft.Hebeginstothumbthroughthebookrapidlyandstartstosing.)

#2–HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying(Finch)

FINCHHOWTOAPPLYFORAJOB…

(Stepsoffscaffold.)

HOWTOADVANCEFROMTHEMAILROOM…

­2­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(FINCH)

(Sitsonscaffoldrail.)

HOWTOSITDOWNATADESK…HOWTODICTATEMEMORANDUMS…

(Rises,crossesD.L.ofC.)

HOWTODEVELOPEXECUTIVESTYLE…HOWTOCOMMUTEINATHREEBUTTONSUIT...WITHTHATWEARYEXECUTIVESMILE.

(CrossesL.)

THISBOOKISALLTHATINEED…"HOWTO,HOWTOSUCCEED."

(Exteriorbuildingdropout,revealingvariousOFFICEPERSONNELinatableaushowingofficeactivity.)

Scene2

(CORRIDOROFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANY.FINCHnowstandsamongPEOPLE,crossestocenterandcontinuessinging.)

FINCH

HOWTOOBSERVEPERSONNEL.HOWTOSELECTWHOMTOLUNCHWITH.HOWTOAVOIDPETTYFRIENDS...HOWTOBEGINMAKINGCONTACTS.HOWTO…

(FINCHcontinuestolookatbook.)

BOOKVOICE

Howtochoosetherightcompany.Beforeapplyingforajob,makesureyouhavechosentherightcompany.Itisessentialthatthecompanybeabigone.Itshouldbeatleastbigenoughsothatnobodyknowsexactlywhatanyoneelseisdoing.

(FINCHthencrosses(U.R.aboveJENKINS,listeningtotheirconversation.Aftereachofthefollowingconversations,thevariousOFFICEPERSONNELresumethefrozenposes.)

GATCH

(U.R.)Say,Joe,I'vegotacomplaintfromourdealersinCleveland...aboutthatlastshipmentofwickets.Theyonlygothalftheirwickets.Theyorderedthreehundredthousand.

JENKINS

(L.ofGatch)Iknow,Mr.Catch,buttheywantedtwo‐tonedwicketsandweranout.

(PINCHcrossesL.toJohnson.)

­3­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

JOHNSONRanout?Whatisthis,ahotdogstand?

CATCHLook,thisistheWorldWideWicketCompany.We'resupposedtobethelargestsingleproducerofwicketsintheworld.

JENKINS

Nowtakeiteasy,Mr.Catch.Therewastroubleatoureasternplant...abreakdown.

CATCHWellgetontheball.IwanttokeepClevelandwicket‐minded.

JENKINSYes,sir.

(CrossesL.toMatthews.FINCHcrossesDR.ofC.)Oh,Mr.Matthews,anynewsaboutthebreakdown?

MATTHEWS(C.)

Oh,I'mfeeling,muchbetter.

PETERSON(L.ofC.)

Oh,say,Tackaberry,didyougetmymemo?

(FINCHcrossesR.ofPETERSON.)TACKABERRY

(TurnsR.toPETERSON)Whatmemo?

PETERSONMymemoaboutmemos.We'resendingouttoomanymemosandit'sgottostop.

TACKABERRYAllrightI'llsendoutamemo.

(ALLstillremainfrozen.)FINCH

(CrossesL.)Therightcompany!

(FINCHputsbookinwiremailbasketheldbyOFFICEBOYfarleft,removesbreakawaycoveralls,tossesthemoffstageleft,picksupbook,beginstosing.)THISBOOKISALLTHATINEED"HOWTO,HOWTOSUCCEED."

­4­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(FINCHcrossesR.ROSEMARYentersL.,carryingfolderofpapers.OFFICEPERSONNELbreakfreezeandexit.J.B.BIGGLEYentersR.,surroundedbyFOURHENCHMEN.FINCHcrossesR.,bumpsintoBIGGLEY,knockshimdown.HENCHMENhelphimup,sayingthingslike"Areyouokay,Mr.BIGGLEY?"etc.)

BIGGLEY

Nevermind,nevermind.

(Aroar.)Backtowork,everybody!

(THEYallscuttleoffstage.ROSEMARYgoesalittlemoreslowlyandlingersattheleftside,listening.)

BIGGLEY

(ToFINCH)Youheardme!Isaidbacktowork!

FINCH(L.ofBIGGLEY)

I'msorryIbumpedintoyou,sir,butIwouldliketoapplyforajob.

BIGGLEY

Ajob?DoyouknowwhoIam?

FINCHNo,sir.

BIGGLEY

(Goingrighton)

I'mJ.B.Biggley.I'mpresidentofthiscompany,that'swhoIam.Infact,that'swhothehellIam.Howdareyoucometomeforajob?

FINCHI'msorry,sir,butI

BIGGLEYWhydoyouthinkIhaveapersonnelman?WhydoyouthinkIhaveawholedamnedpersonneldepartment?Son,youbumpedintothewrongman.

(StartsOffR.)

Damndamncoal‐burningditheringdingdingding.

(HeexitsR.)

ROSEMARY(CrossingR.)

I'msorry.Iknowhowharditistofindajob.I'vebeenthroughthatkindofthingmyself.

FINCH

Thankyou,Miss.You'reverykind.Couldyoutellmewherethepersonnelofficeis?

­5­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARY(Amazed)

Personnel?

(ShepointsU.R)It'srightthere.

FINCHThankyou.

(Hestartsforpersonnel,crossingL.belowRosemary.)

ROSEMARY

(CrossingL.toC.,stoppinghim)You‐you'renotdiscouraged?

FINCH(CrossesL.)

Ofcoursenot.I'mpreparedforexactlythissortofthing.

ROSEMARY(CrossesL.)

Say!MyfriendSmittyworksinPersonnel.Maybeshecanhelpyou.

(StartsoffR.)Youwaithere.

(SheexitsR.)

FINCH(Callingafterher)

But,Miss,it'snotreally

(HeshrugsandstartsforthePersonneldoorU.L.BRATTcomesoutofdoor.)

BRATT

(L.ofFINCH,stoppinghim)Wheredoyouthinkyou'regoing?

FINCHToseethepersonnelmanager,sir.

BRATTI'mthepersonnelmanagerandwe'renothiringanyonetoday.

(CrossesR.belowFINCH.)

FINCHWell,IwasjustspeakingtoMr.Biggley

­6­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT(Stops,looksathim)

Biggley?

FINCHYes,sir.

BRATTJ.B.Biggley?

FINCHYes,sir.Hetoldmetoseeyou.

(Smilesoutfront.NOTE:ThissmileisthefirstofseveralthatFinchusesthroughouttheshow.Thesesmilesareveryimportant.TheyarecommunicationsbetweenFinchandtheaudience.TheytelltheaudiencewhenFinchhassuccessfully,workedoneofhisploys.Thesmileisagentle,MonaLisasmile.Itshouldlooklikeacatthatjustswallowedacanaryandishappyaboutit.Whenhedoesit,Finchshouldturnhisheadquicklytotheaudienceandgivethemthesmiledirectly.ThestagingoftheothercharactersonstageshouldbesoarrangedthattheyarenotevenawarethatFinchissmilingtotheaudience.Thisparticularsmileshouldonlybeusedinthekeyspotsthataremarkedinthescript.Careshouldbetakenthattheyarenotoverdone,otherwisetheywilllosetheirimpact.)

BRATT

(CrossesL.toFINCH)

J.B.Biggley,himself?Youwerespeakingtohim?

FINCHYes,sir.Ijustbumpedintohim.

BRATTAh,isheafriendofyours?

FINCH

(Modesthesitation)Sir,Idon'tthinkamanshouldtradeonfriendshiptogetajob.

BRATTVerywellput,youngman.Well,ifyoustepintomyoffice,Ithinkwecanworksomethingout.MynameisBratt.

(Extendinghishand.)Andyouare

FINCH

(Shakinghishand)Finch,sir.PierrepontFinch.

­7­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT(Smiling)

Pierrepont.Say,maybethatoughttobeJ.PierrepontFinch.

(Laughs.)

FINCHAsamatteroffact,sir,itis.

BRATT(Stopslaughing,)

Well,stepintomyoffice.

(THEYbothgoU.L.throughthedoor.ROSEMARYreentersR.,tugging.SMITTYbythehand.)

SMITTY

(FollowingROSEMARY)

GoodGod,RosemaryyoucouldatleasthaveletmefinishmyMetrecal.

ROSEMARY

(R.ofC.)

Thisisimportant,Smitty.Iknowyoucanhelphim.

(Looksaround,seesthatFINCHisgone.)Whereishe?

SMITTYHowwouldIknow?

ROSEMARYHemusthavegoneintoMr.Bratt'soffice.Gooninthere.You'reBratt'ssecretary.He'lllistentoyou.

SMITTYButwhythisfrantic,urgenturgency?

ROSEMARY

Please,Smitty.We'vegottohelpthisboy.

SMITTY

Butwhy?Fillmein,girl.Whereforeisthiscreepdifferentfromallothercreeps?

ROSEMARYHe'snotacreep,Smitty.HehasasortofnoblecourageyetdeepdownIfeelthathe'ssortofhelpless.

SMITTYRosemary,yourmotherinstinctisabigdrag.

(BRATTcomesoutofhisoffice,laughingatajoke.followedin,'FINCHWhohasabigcigarinhismouth.)

­8­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT

Well,that'sallsettled.

(L.ofFINCH,pattinghimonshoulder.)Nicetohaveyouaboard,Finch.

FINCHHappytoshipoutwithyou,sir.

(FINCHissearchingformatchesinhispocket.)

BRATTLetmedothat.

(Reachesformatches,lightsFINCH'Scigar.ROSEMARYandSMITTYwatchwithgreatinterest.)

SMITTY

Whoisthat.?

ROSEMARYThat'smyhelplessfriend.Isn'theadorable?

SMITTY

Adorable,maybe.Helpless,no.

ROSEMARYShutup,Smitty.Ijusthopehehasn'tgotagirl.

(FINCHandBRATTcrossR.towardsROSEMARYandSMITTY.)

BRATTMysecretarywilltakecareoftheformsandgettingyourparticulars.Oh,Smitty~thisisournewMr.Finch.

SMITTYHello,there.

ROSEMARY

(QuicklystepsinR.ofFINCH)MynameisPilkington.RosemaryPilkington.

FINCHOh,hello.

ROSEMARYHi.

BRATTMr.Finchwillbestartingoutinthemailroom.Gladyoudon'tmindthat,Finch.

FINCHSir,inabigpondlikethis,everyonemustbeginasalittlefish.

SMITTYEvenabarracuda

­9­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ROSEMARYandBRATTlookatSMITTY.BUDentersL.,crossingFLtoexit.)

BRATTNow,Smitty,WillYou

(CATCHentersR.,addressesBUD.)

CATCHSay,Bud,haveyouguysinthemailroomsentoutthosewicketcatalogsyet?

BUD(StoppingR.ofCatch)

Idon'tknow.I'mgoingtolunch.

CATCHAteleveno'clock?Why?

BUDBecauseI'mtheboss'snephew.

(StartsoffR.CATCHexits(JR.intohisoffice.)

BRATT

(CrossingR.belowFINCH,callingtoBud)Oh,Bud!

(ToFINCH,asBUDapproaches.)ThisisBudFrump,Mr.Biggley'snephew.

(CrossesL.aboveFINCH.BUDcrossesL.toitofFINCH.)ThisisMr.Finch.He'sgoingtobeworkingwithyouinthemailroom.

BUDHello,Finch.I'mBudFrump,Mr.Biggley'snephew.

FINCH(Offershand)

Howdoyoudo?

(BUDignoreshishand.)

BRATT(Abouttoleave)

Smitty,getMr.Finch'sparticulars.

SMITTYYes,sir.

BRATTFinch,nicetohaveyouonourteam.

(StartsoffL.)

­10­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHGladtobeplayingwithyou,sir.

(BRATTstops,turn,givesFINCHalookandexitsintohisofficeU.L.)

BUD

Finch,youambitious?

FINCHNotnecessarily.

BUDGood.Justkeepthatinmind.IfyoujustrememberwhoIamandrememberwhoyouare,we'llgetonfine.Ifnot...

ROSEMARY(itofBUD)

You'llgocryingtoyouruncle.

BUDIbegyourpardon.Idonotgocryingtomyuncle.

(CrossesR.belowROSEMARYandSMITTY,turns.)IthappensthatmymotherisMrs.Biggley'ssister.

(Removeshat.)IfIfeelthatanythingiswrong,Iphonemymother.ShephonesMrs.BiggleyandMrs.BiggleyphonesMr.Biggley.

(Putshatbackon.)That'sthedemocraticway.

(HeexitsR.)ROSEMARY

(CrossesL.twosteps)Mr.Finch,amanlikeyoudoesn'thavetoworryaboutsomeonelikehim.

(CrossesR.toSMJTTY.)SMITTY,youweregoingtogetMr.Finch'sparticulars.

SMITTYAh,yes,particulars.Now,Mr.Finch,thefirstquestion.

ROSEMARYHaveyougotagirl?

FINCHAgirl?No.

ROSEMARYGoodImean,that'stherightanswer.Imean,it'sverywisenottohaveagirl.

­11­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH (C)I'mgladyouunderstand,MissPilkington.Somewomenwouldn't.Yousee,Ifeelthatwhenamanwantstoriseintheworldofbusiness,agirl,orlet'ssayanemotionalinvolvement,canonlyleadtogettinginvolvedemotionally.

ROSEMARYThat'sveryintelligent,Mr.Finch.

SMITTYYes.

(CrossesL.belowROSEMARYtoPINCH.)Rosemary,areyouthroughwithMr.Finch?

ROSEMARYForthemoment.

SMITTYFine.

(IndicatesofficeU.L.assheandFINCHcrossL.)Nowifyou'lljuststepintomyoffice,we'llgetourbusinessdone.

ROSEMARY(CrossesL.)

Goodluck,Mr.Finch.

FINCH (BelowdoorU.L.)Thankyou,uh,Miss

ROSEMARYPilkington.RosemaryPilkington.

FINCHI'mgladtobeaboard.

(HeexitsintoBRATT'sofficeU.L.)

SMITTYWell,Rosemary,yousee?

ROSEMARYIthinkhe'sfascinating.

SMITTY

I'veseensomeambitiouscharactersaroundhere,butthisboyistheeagerestbeaverofthemall.

ROSEMARYNewRochelle

­12­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SMITTYHuh?

ROSEMARYOrmaybeWhitePlains.No...#3–HowToKeepHisDinnerWarm(Rosemary,Smitty)

(ROSEMARY)NewRochelle...

SMITTYHuh?

ROSEMARYNewRochelle...

SMITTYWhatareyoutalkingabout?

ROSEMARYNewRochelle...

SMITTYWhataboutit?

ROSEMARYTHAT'STHEPLACEWHERETHEMANSIONWILLBE,FORMEANDTHEDARLING,BRIGHT,YOUNGMANI'VEPICKEDOUTFORMARRYINGME.

(CrossesR.)

HE'LLDOWELL,ICANTELLSOITISN'TAMOMENTTOOSOON

(CrossesL.toSMITTY.)

TOPLANONMYLIFEINNEWROCHELLE;THEWIFEOFMYDARLINGTYCOON.

SMITTY

Honey,you'llbeinNewRochelle.Yourdarlingtycoonwillbehereintheoffice.(CrossesU.L.)

ROSEMARYSmitty

SMITTYThefutureMrs.Finchisinforsomelonelynights.

(SheexitsintoherofficeU.L.)

(TRAVELERcloses.)

(ROSEMARYspeaks,crossesR.)

­13­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARYI'mpreparedforexactlythatsortofthing.(ROSEMARYsings.)

I'LLBESOHAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARM,WHILEHEGOESONWARDANDUPWARD.HAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARMTILLHECOMESWEARILYHOMEFROMDOWNTOWN.

(Sits.)

I'LLBETHEREWAITINGUNTILHISMINDISCLEAR,WHILEHELOOKSTHROUGHME,RIGHTTHROUGHME,WAITINGTOSAY:"GOODEVENING,DEAR,I'MPREGNANT;WHAT'SNEWWITHYOUFROMDOWNTOWN?"

(Rises.)

OH,TOBELOVEDBYAMANIRESPECT,TOBASKINTHEGLOWOFHISPERFECTLYUNDERSTANDABLENEGLECT.OH,TOBELONGINTHEAURAOFHISFROWN,DARLINGBUSYFROWN.SUCHHEAVENWEARINGTHEWIFELYUNIFORMWHILEHEGOESONWARDANDUPWARD.HAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARMTILLHECOMESWEARILYHOMEFROMDOWNTOWN.

#3a–GoodMorning(EnteranceOfSecretaries(Orchestra)

Scene3

(TheaterofficeoftheWorldWideWicketCompany.Therearetworowsofdeskswithtypewriters,addingmachinesandstandardofficeequipment.GIRLSenterL.briskly,saying"Goodmorning."Theysitdownattheirdesks,takeoffofficemachinecovers.ThelastGIRLdasheson,getstoherplacejustreadyforthemalltobeginwork.AMANstickshisheadoutonstageL.andyells.)

MAN

Coffeebreak!

MISSKRUMHOLTZIt'sabouttime!

(MANpushesoncoffeemachineL.OTHEROFFICEPERSONNELenterL.andR.Alonglineishurriedlyformedacrossstagebeforethecoffeemachine.BUDFRUMPentersR.,goestofrontofline,holdshiscuptinderthespigot.)

BUDThere'snocoffee!

­14­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ALL

(Abuzz)Nocoffee!Nocoffee!

SMITTY

(C.)

Nocoffee?

BUDNocoffee!

(ALLtakefront.)#4–CoffeeBreak(Frump,Smitty,Chorus)

SMITTYNocoffee.

(THEYallgroanandcollapseontostage.)

BUDIFICAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,MYCOFFEEBREAK,MYCOFFEEBREAK,IFICAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,

(ALLSitUp.)

SOMETHINGWITHINMEDIES

ALL

LIESDOWNANDSOMETHINGWITHINMEDIES!

(ALLcollapseagain.BUDpushesmachineC.SUITYcrossesC.toL.ofmachine.)

SMITTY

IFICAN'TMAKETHREEDAILYTRIPSWHERESHININGSHRINEBENIGNLYDRIPS,

(ALLcrowdaroundmachine.)

ANDTASTECARDBOARDBETWEENMYLIPS,SOMETHINGWITHINMEDIES

ALLLIESDOWNAND

(ALLfadeup.)

SOMETHINGWITHINMEDIES!

(ALLcollapse.)

1STVOICE

NOCOFFEE,

­15­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2NDVOICENOCOFFEE,

3RDVOICE

NOCOFFEE,

4THVOICENOCOFFEE,

5THVOICE

NOCOFFEE,

6THVOICENOCOFFEE,

7THVOICE

NOCOFFEE,

8THVOICENOCOFFEE,

(ALLsitup.)

SMITTY

THATOFFICELIGHTDOESN'THAVETOBEFLUORESCENT,I'LLGETNOPAINSINTHEHEAD.THATOFFICECHAIRDOESN'THAVETOBEFOAMRUBBER,SOIFISPREAD,SOISPREAD.BUTONLYONECHEMICALSUBSTANCEGETSOUTTHELEAD!

ALL

LIKESHESAID!IFICAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,

(ALLcrossD.)

MYCOFFEEBREAK,MYCOFFEEBREAK,IFICAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,

SMITTYANDBUD

GONEISTHESENSEOFENTERPRISE

ALL

ALLGONEANDSOMETHINGWITHINMFDIPS

ALL

NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE.

(ALLscreamasaDANCERjumpsintoorchestrapit.ALLcrosstocoffeemachineC.)

ALLIF1CAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,

­16­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(R.ofC.)SMITTY

SOMEHOWTHESOULNOLONGERTRIES...

(CollapsesintoBOY'Sarms.)

ALLCOFFEE,COFFEE.(D.R.againstportal.)

BUDSOMEWHEREIDON'TMETABOLIZE...

ALL

COFFEE,COFFEE

SMITTYANDBUDSOMETHINGWITHINME...

(TheycrosstoC.ALLspreadout.)

ALLCOFFEEOROTHERWISE,COFFEEOROTHERWISE,COFFEEOROTHERWISE,SOMETHINGINSIDEOFME...DIES!

(Afternumber,GIRLentersfromR.Carryingsteamingpotofcoffee,crossestoL.ofC.)

BUD(CrossesL.toGIRL.)What'sthat?

GIRLAcoffeepot.

BUDCoffee!

(Theyallyell"Coffee!"andgooffL.,exceptFIVEoftheGIRLScrosstoupstagerowofdesksandgotowork.AMANpushescoffeemachineoffR.ROSEMARYhasenteredL.duringthis,carryingsmallvaseoffflowers.Shegoestoherdesk.FINCHentersL.withbasketofmail.Heisreadinghisbook.)

BOOKVOICE

Youhavealertlyseizedyouropportunitiesandarenowonthefirstrungoftheladder.Youareworkinginthemailroom.Onewordofcautionaboutthemailroom.Itisaplaceoutofwhichyoumustget.Someofyourrivalswillnothavetheadvantageofthisknowledge,butyouareforearmed.DonotgetstuckinthemaiIroom.Plantorise.

(BUDentersL.,toFINCH.)

­17­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUD(Quickly)

Finch,whereareyougoing?Whathaveyougotthere?

FINCH(R.ofBUD)

It'stheexecutivemail.

BUDI'lltakethat.

(TakesmailfromFINCH.)Tryingtogetingoodontheinside,huh?Ican'teventakeacoffeebreakaroundhere!

FINCHBut,I'mmerelytryingtodomyjob.

BUDTheexecutivemailismyjob.Finch,ifyouhaveanyideasofclimbingaladderaroundhere,theviewisgoingtogetawfullymonotonous.Everytimeyoulookupyou’llseetheseatofmypants.

(CrossesR.belowFINCHandexitsU.R.intoexecutivesuite.)

ROSEMARY

(Rises,crossesR.toFINCH)

That'srotten,rotten,rotten.Youknow,BudFrumpisjustjealousofyou...He'stryingtokeepthebigexecutivesfromnoticingYOU.

FINCH(CrossesL.belowROSEMARY)

Thankyoufordefendingme,MissPilkington.

ROSEMARY

PleasecallmeRosemary.

FINCHOkay,Rosemary.

ROSEMARYNow,Mr.Finch

FINCHCallmePonty.

ROSEMARYOkay,Ponty.Thebigexecutiveswillnoticeyou.Justbepatient.

FINCHPatient!DoyourealizeI'vebeenworkinghereforonewholeweek!

ROSEMARYIknowPontyIhaven'tforgotten.

­18­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ROSEMARY)

(ShecrossesL.toFINCH,putsflowerinhisbuttonhole.)Happyanniversary.

FINCHThankyou,Rosemary.Atleastyounoticetie.

ROSEMARYIwishIwereanexecutive.I'd

(Shestopssuddenly,looksoffstage.)Ohoh.HerecomesJudithAnderson...

FINCHHuh?

ROSEMARYThat'sMissJones,Mr.Biggley'ssecretary.

(StartsU.L.toherdesk.)I'dbetterlookbusy.Andyou,too...

(Shesits.FINCHcrossesuptorowofdesks,lookingbusy.MISSJONESentersL.,headingtowardexecutivesuiteU.R.ROSEMARYfoolsWithpapers.FINCHsuddenlyturnsandfollowsMissJones.)

FINCHPardonme,ma'am.

(Hetakesflowerfromhisbuttonhole,pressesitintoherhand.)Youshouldbewearingthis.Itgoeswithyourhair.

(Sheacceptsitinapuzzledfashion.FINCHstartsawayL.)

MISSJONESYoungman.

(FINCHStops.ShecrossesD.)Youjustwantmetohavethisflower?Youdon'tknowwhoIam?

FINCH(CrossesR.tohe,)

Thatdoesn'tmatter.Whatmattersisthattheflowerseemedtocryouttohewornbyyou.

(StartsawayL.again.)MISSJONES

Youngman,I'mMissJones,Mr.Biggley'ssecretary.

(FINCHstops.)

FINCHNo,youcan'tbe.Imean...thatis...youjustcan'tbe.

­19­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

MISSJONES

Whynot?

FINCH(CrossesR.toher,)

Well,fromBudFrump'sdescriptionofyou,I'dneverhave,Imeanyou'renotafrighteningperson.

MISSJONESThankyou.

FINCH

Ifit'snotoutofplaceformetosayso,MissJones.Ithinkyou'reaveryattractiveperson.NomatterwhatBudFrumpsays.

MISSJONESWhatdidyousayyournamewas.?

FINCH

Finch,ma'am.F‐I‐N‐C‐H.Finch.PierrepontFinch

MISSJONESHowisitIhaven'tseenyoubefore?

FINCH

(R.belowher)

Oh,I'mnotsupposedtodelivertheexecutivemail.That'shisjob.BudFrump.F‐R‐U‐M‐P.

MISSJONES

Mmmmm.Well,thankyouverymuch,Finch.You'reaveryinterestingyoungman.

FINCHThankyou,MissJones.

(CrossesL.belowher.CATCHentersR.)

CATCHSay,Jonesy

(FINCH,hearingCATCH'Svoice,kneelsL.ofMISSJONES,tiesshoelace.)I'dlikeanappointmentwiththebossataroundthree.

MISSJONES(Pinningfloweronhersuit)

I'llcheckonit,Milt,andletyouknow.

CATCH(R.OfMISSJONES)

Ab,flowers.Yougotanewboyfriend,Jonesy?

MISSJONESThiswasgiventomebyaveryniceyoungman.Youshouldknowhim.Finch?

­20­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(Hepopsupquickly)

Yes?

MISSJONESFinch,thisisMr.Catch.

FINCH

Howdoyoudo,Mr.Catch?

CATCHHello.

(Theyshakehands.)

MISSJONES (ToFINCH)Mr.Catchwouldbeagoodmanforyoutoknow.Hisdepartmentisveryimportant

FINCHOh,IknowallaboutMr.Catch.He'sinchargeof...

(Rattlingitoff)PlansandSystemsandInterdepartmentalEvaluation.AlsoPre‐PromotionalPromotion,Post‐AdministrativeResearch,andMultipleDevelopmentonamultilevellevel.

CATCH

(ToMISSJONES)Hey,Jonesy,thisisasmartone.Ididn'tknowIdidallthat.

(HeexitsR.)

FINCHVeryfineman,Mr.Catch.Ihearhehasanopeninginhisdepartment.

MISSJONESYes,hehas,buthehasn'tbeenabletomakeuphismind.Well,thankyoufortheflower,youngMan.

FINCHYou'rewelcome,MissJones.

(ShestartsU.K,stepstoexecutivesuite.FINCHcrossesU.Ltodesks.BUDentersL.R.fromexecutivesuite.)

BUD

Hi,Jonesy.

MISSJONES

(Snapping)MissJones.

­21­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(SheexitsU.R.BUDlooksafterher,puzzled,thenlookssuspiciouslyatFINCH.)

FINCH

(TurnsawayfromBUD,startsL.)Say,Rosemary...

BUD(CrossesD.toFINCH)

Finch,quitgoofingoffYou'vegottopickuptheseconddelivery!

(CrossesL.belowFINCH.)

FINCHRighto,Bud,oldbuddyboy.

(BUDexitsoffL.,puzzled.FINCHgoestoROSEMARYatdesk.)Gottogotoworknow.Thanksfortheflower,Rosemary.

(StartsoffR.)ROSEMARY

(Sherises,crossesR.toFINCH)

Thanksfortheflower?YougavemyflowertoMissJones.

FINCHRosemarysurelyyoudon'tbegrudgeanoldladyamomentofhappiness.

ROSEMARYWell,IguessitisimportantforyoutobenicetoMissJones.

(SMITTYentersfromexecutivesuiteandobservesthis.)

FINCHI'mgladyouunderstandthat.Seeyoulater,Rosemary.

(HeexitsR.SMITTYcrossesD.R.,lookingafterFINCH.)

SMITTY(Meaningfully.TurnstoROSEMARY)

Well,Rosemary,howareyoudoing?

ROSEMARY(CrossesR.toSMITTY)

Oh,Idon'tknow.He'she's...Smitty,what'stheoppositeofasexmaniac?

SMITTYAbusinessman.

(TheyexitoffR.)

#4a.–FrumpOnThePhone(Orchestra)

­22­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Scene4

(THEMAILROOM.ThereisasmallcounterstageL.withastooltotheR.ofthecounter.BUDisseatedonthestool,speakingonthephone.)

BUD

Hello?Givemeanoutsideline.No,thiscallisnotpersonal,I'mcallingmymother(Annoyed.)

Thanks.

(Rises,crossesbehindcounter.Talkstohimselfashestartsdialing.)OneofthesedayswhenI'mrunningtheshowaroundhere,I'llclearoutthewholeHello,Mother?Bud.IknowIleftwithoutmysweater,butit'swarm.Now,look,Mother,Ijustfoundoutsomethingimportant.There'sgoingtobeanewheadofthemailroomandIwantthejob.You'vegottocallAuntGertrudeand...IknowI'mnextinline,butthere'sanewfellowworkingherethathasmeworried.Oh,heworkshard,comesinontime,nevergoofsoff,he'spolite...youknow,arealrat.

(BLACKOUTFrontspotonBIGGLEYdeskunitonR.MR.BIGGLEYisseatedat/'zjdesk.Hisintercomisheardbuzzing.)

BIGGLEY

(Grufflycrisp)

Yes,Whatdoyouwant,MissJones?

MISSJONES'VOICE

(Overintercom)Mr.Biggley,yourwifeiscalling.

BIGGLEY

Well,tellherI'mbusy,tellherI'minameeting,tellherI'mout,dammit,putheron!

(Picksupphoneandhisvoicebecomesapproximatelyaffectionate.)Hello,Gertrude.Gladyoucalled.What'sonyourmind?I'mbusy.Uhhuh,Uhhuh.Well,Gertrude,Ican'thelpBudthere.Theheadofthemailroomshouldpickhisownsuccessor.Ican'tswitchsignalsinthemiddleofaplay.Itwouldupsetthewholeteam.IfIinterferedthatwouldbenepotism.Nepotism.That'swhenyournephewisagoddamnfool.Well,I'llsee.

(Hangsup.Tohimself.)Dammit.

(Pushesbuttonandspeaksintointercom.)MissJones.

MISSJONES'VOICEYes,Mr.B.?

­23­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY

MissJones,I'vetoldyouthattalkingtomywifeupsetsme.

MISSJONES'VOICEWell,J.B.,yousaidtoputheronand...

BIGGLEYNevermindthat.Ineedsomethingtocalmmynerves.Whereismy...

(Secretively.)youknow...

MISSJONES'VOICEIputitinthebackofyourrighthandbottomdrawer.

BIGGLEYThanks.

(Clicks.Opensbottomdrawer,putshishandin,pullsoutknitting.)Ahhhh....

(FrontSPOTdimsout.)

(Dimuponmailroom.FINCHenterswithmailbag,stopsatR.endofcounter.TWIMBLEenters,crossestoL.ofFINCH.)

TWIMBLE

Let'sgetgoing,boys.BUD

(WhohasbeenstandingU.S.TurnstoL.ofTWIMBLE)

MMMMM.

FINCH(R.edgeofcounter)

Yes,sir,Mr.Twimble.I'vealreadystartedsorting.

TWIMBLEFinch,asheadofthisentiremailroom,IwouldliketotellyouI'mverypleasedwithyourwork.

FINCH

Thankyou,sir.

TWIMBLEYoureallyhaveaninborngiftformailroomery.

FINCHThankyou,Mr.Twimble.Comingfromyou,that'sagreathonor.

(PhoneRINGS.)BUD

(Picksupphone)

Hello,mailroomeNo!Mailroom.Justaminute.

­24­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(BUD)

(Calls.)It'sforyou,Twirnble.Mr.BrattinPersonnel.

(CrossesitaboveTWIMBLE,pushingFINCHtoC.stage.)

TWIMBLE(Goingtophone)

Ah,thismaybeaveryimportantcallforsomeof.us.Hello.

BUD

(ToFINCH)What'stheidea?

FINCHWhat'stheideaofwhat,Bud.?

BUDYouknow.You'retryingtobutterupTwimble.Well,believeme,itwon'tdoyouanygood.

FINCH

GoodGod,Bud.JustbecauseI'mbeingnicetoaman,doesthatmeanIhavetohaveanangle?

BUDIfanybody'sgoingtogethisjob,youknow...

(StopsashehearsTWIMBLEspeak.)

TWIMBLEIgotyou,Mr.Bratt.Thanksverymuch.

(FINCHcrossesaboveBUDtoS.Ledgeofcounter.BUDcounterstoItofFINCHasTWIMBLEhangsupthephoneandcrossesR.totheboys.)

Well,boys,itlooksasifthey'regoingtopromoteoldTwimbletotheshippingdepartment.

FINCH(Quickly)

Congratulations.

BUD

(Justasquickly)Who'sgoingtobethenewheadofthemailroom?

TWIMBLEIwon'tsaytillit'sofficial,butMr.Brattisgoingtoleavethechoicetome."Twimble,"hesaid,"ThemailroomisthenervecenterofthismightyorganizationYou'vebeenanoutstandingmailroomheadandwewantyoutochooseyoursuccessor.Andwewantyoutochoosehimonmerit.Onmeritalone.

­25­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUDThat'snotfair.

(CrossesL.aboveTWIMBLE.)I'mgoingouttogetasmoke.

(HeexitsquicklyL.)

TWIMBLESmoke.Hoho.He'sgoingtocallhismother.

(CrossesR.toFINCH.)Butit'snotgoingtohelphimifIhaveanythingtosay.Ihavesomebodyelseinmindforthisjob.Hoho.

FINCH (Afteramoment)Mr.Twimble...

TWIMBLEYes?

FINCH

(CrossesL.belowTWIMBLE)

You'vebeenwiththiscompanyalongtime,haven'tyou?

TWIMBLE

Long,longtime.LastmonthIbecameaquarter‐of‐a‐centuryman.

(Showsmedalonhislapel.)

FINCHThat'sbeautiful.

(CrossesR.toTWIMBLE.)Gee,aquarterofacentury.

TWIMBLEAquarterofacentury.

FINCHHowlonghaveyoubeeninthemailroom?

TWIMBLE

Twenty‐fiveyears.Yep,it'snoteasytogetamedallikethis.Ittakesacombinationofskill,diplomacyandboldcaution.

­26­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#5.–TheCompanyWay(Twimble,Finch)

(TWIMBLE)(Toaudience)WHENIJOINEDTHISFIRMASABRASH,YOUNGMAN,WELLISAIDTOMYSELF,"NOW,BRASHYOUNGMANDON'TGETANYIDEAS."WELLISTUCKTOTHATANDIHAVEN'THADONEINYEARS!FINCH

(L.ofTWIMBLE)

YOUPLAYITSAFE!

TWIMBLE

IPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY;WHEREVERTHECOMPANYPUTSME,THEREI'LLSTAY

FINCH

BUTWHATISYOURPOINTOFVIEW?

TWIMBLE

IHAVENOPOINTOFVIEW,

FINCH

SUPPOSINGTHECOMPANYTHINKS...

TWIMBLE

ITHINKSOTOO!

FINCH

WHATWOULDYOUSAYIF

TWIMBLE

IWOULDN'TSAY!

FINCH

YOURFACEISACOMPANYFACE;

TWIMBLE

ITSMILESATEXECUTIVES,THENGOESBACKINPLACE.

FINCH

THECOMPANYFURNITURE?

TWIMBLEOHITSUITSMEFINE.

­27­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

THECOMPANYLETTERHEADIS(SO)…

TWIMBLEAVALENTINE!

FINCH

ISTHEREANYTHINGYOU'REAGAINST?

TWIMBLEUNEMPLOYMENT!

FINCH

WHENTHEYWANTBRILLIANTTHINKINGFROMEMPLOYEES;

TWIMBLETHATISNOCONCERNOFMINE.

FINCH

SUPPOSEAMANOFGENIUSMAKESSUGGESTIONS.

TWIMBLEWATCHTHATGENIUSGET

(PointsDL.)

SUGGESTEDTORESIGN!FINCH

SOYOUPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY;

(CrossesItaboveTWIMBLE.)

TWIMBLE

ALLCOMPANYPOLICYISBYMEOKAY!

FINCH

YOU'LLNEVERRISEUPTOTHE(TOP)

TWIMBLE

BUTTHERE'SONETHINGCLEAR;WHOEVERTHECOMPANYFIRES,IWILLSTILLBEHERE!

FINCHYOUCERTAINLYFOUNDAHOME!

TWIMBLE

IT'SCOZY!FINCH

YOURBRAINISACOMPANYBRAIN;

TWIMBLE

THECOMPANYWASHEDITANDNOWICAN'TCOMPLAIN.

­28­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

THECOMPANYMAGAZINE?

TWIMBLEBOY,WHATSTYLE,WHATPUNCH!

FINCH

THECOMPANYRESTAURANT?

TWIMBLEEV'RYDAYSAMELUNCH.'THEIRHADDOCKSANDWICH;IT'SDELICIOUS!

FINCH

(CrossesL.belowTWIMBLE)

IMUSTTRYIT.TWIMBLE

EARLYINTHEWEEK!

FINCH(Stopsdead)

DOYOUHAVEANYHOBBIES?

TWIMBLEI'VEAHOBBY;IPLAY"GIN"WITHMISTERBRATT.

FINCH

ANDDOYOUPLAYITNICELY?

TWIMBLE

PLAYITNICELYSTILLHEBLITZESMEINEV'RYGAME,LIKETHAT!

FINCH

WHY?TWIMBLE

'CAUSEIPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY,EXECUTIVEPOLICYISBYMEOKAY!

FINCH

HOWCANYOUGETANYWHERE(INTHE)...

TWIMBLEJUNIORHAVENOFEAR;WHOEVERTHECOMPANYFIRES,IWILLSTILLBEHERE!

FINCH

YOUWILLSTILLBEHERE.

­29­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

TWIMBLEYEARAFTERYEARAFTERFISCAL,

BOTH

NEVERTAKEARISK‐ALYEAR!

TWIMBLE

Well,let'sgetbacktowork.Theymaybepromotingme,buttillthenthemailmustgothrough.

(Crossesabovecounter.FINCHcrossestoR.ofcounter.BUDentersL.humming.)Hi,Bud.How'syourmother?

BUDWhatmother?

TWIMBLE

(ToFINCH)Whatmother.

(BRATT'entersL.quicklywithabigsmile,crossesR.toTWIMBLE.)

BRATT

Hello,men.Well,Twimble,it'sallset.Asoftoday,you'reheadofshipping!

TWIMBLEThanks,Mr.Bratt.

(Theyshakehands.)

BRATTNowlet'stalkaboutyoursuccessor...

BUD

(TurnstoL.ofBRATT)Say,Bratt,haveyouheardfrommyuncletoday?

BRATTNo,Bud.

(BUDreactswithannoyance.)Goahead,Twimble,yourshoesaregoingtobehardtofill,butwhohaveyoupickedtofillthem?

TWIMBLE

WellMr.BrattI'vegivenitagooddealofthought,proandcon.IthinkyourmanisYoungFinch.

BRATTFinch.

BUDI'mgoingoutforasmoke.

(StartsoffL.)

­30­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHThanks,butIcan'taccept.

(BUDstopsdead.EVERYONElooksatFINCHinastonishment.)

BRATT

(CrossesR.toFINCHbelowTWIMBLE)Areyouturningthisjobdown?

FINCHThat'srightsir.Ithinkthereisamanwhoisbetterqualified.AmanwhohasbeherelongerthanI.Gentlemen,IrecommendBudFrump.

BUD

(Caughtoffguard)You'rekidding.

TWIMBLE(CrossesL.toBUD)

BudFrump?

BRATT (CrossesL.toTWIMBLE)Well,thisissomething,...Imean,surprise‐wise.Well,aslongashefeelsthatsva...

BUDI'mgoingtocallmymotherandtellher.

(HeexitsL.)

TWIMBLE

(CrossesR.belowBRATTtoFINCH)Idon'tunderstand.

FINCHMr.Twimble,letmeexplain.Knowingyouhastaughtmealot.

(PhoneRINGS.)

BRATT(Pickingupphone)

Hello.Yes,J.B.ThisisBratt.

TWIMBLE(ToFINCH)

It'sthebigboss.

­31­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT (Helistensamoment)Oh,Iunderstandyourproblem,J.B.Actually,wehadpickedsomeoneelse.Butit'sallright,J.B.TheyoungfellowwepickedturnedthejobovertoBud.HethinksBudisbetterqualified...No,hedoesn'tseemtobeoutofhismind.Hewasexplaining,aboutitwhenyoucalled.

(ToFINCH.)Goahead,Finch.

FINCH(C.)

Mr.Twimble,thegreatthingyouhavetaughtmeisthatnoindividualisasimportantasthewholecompany.

BRATT

(ActingasaquietvoiceannouncertoBIGGLEY)Hesaysnoindividualisasimportantasthewholecompany.

FINCH

(CrossesaboveTWIMBLEtohisL.)Thewholeteamisgreaterthananysingleplayer.

BRATT

(ToBIGGLEY)Thewholeteamisgreaterthananysingleplayer.

FINCH

(Gettinglouder)Thewholecrewisgreaterthananyoneoarsman.

BRATTThewholecrewisgreaterthananyoneoarsman.

FINCHThewholesaladisbiggerthananypieceoflettuce.

BRATTThewholesaladis...Oh,youcanhearhim.

FINCHThewholeomeletteisbiggerthananyegg.

BRATTIsn'tthatgreat,J.B.?Sortofchokesyouup,doesn'tit?...Hisname?It'sFinch.

FINCH (ToBRATT)F‐I‐N.CH

­32­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(FINCHlooksbacktoTWIMBLE.)

BRATTF‐I‐N‐C‐H.Yeah,well,I'mgoingtokeepaneyeonhimmyself.Right.Seeyoulater,J.B.

(Hangsup.CrossesR.toPINCH.)Finch,yougotmeoffthespotwithMr.Biggley.

FINCH

(CrossesR.aboveBRATTandmassageshisshoulderslightly)Gladtohelp,Mr.Bratt.

BRATTIappreciateit.

(ShakesTWIMBLE'shand.)Goodluck,Twimble.

FINCH

(Lookingatlettersoncounter)Oh,Mr.Twimble,don'tIhavetotakethismailtoMr.Catch?TWIMBLECatch?

FINCHCatch.

BRATTCatch.

FINCHCatch.

BRATTSay,Ijustremembered.Mr.Catchislookingforajuniorexecutiveinhisdepartment.

FINCH

(Doeshissmile,thenspeaks)Heis?

BRATTI'mgoingtotalktohimaboutyou.

FINCHMe?Ajuniorexecutive?

BRATTYourgenerosityandthoughtfulnessmayprovetohavebeenareallygoodthingforyou.

FINCHByGeorge,ethicalbehavioralwayspays.

­33­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT(CrossesR.,armaroundFINCH)

Finch,youdidaverywisething.

(TWIMBLEfollowsMailflatfliesout.MailroomslidesoffL.Wearenowintheouteroffice.)

FINCHThatdoesn'tmattertome,Mr.Bratt.Ididwhatwasright.

(BUDentersfromR.)

BUDMymotherwasveryhappy

BRATT

(Addressingtheoffice)Boysandgirls,meetthenewheadofthemailroom,BudFrump.

(Theyallgatheraroundandapplaud.)

BUD(CrossesL.toFINCH)

Thanks,Ponty,oldman.

FINCHGoodluck,Bud.

BRATTComealong,Finch,Iwanttotalktoyou.

(TheyexitoffR.)BUD

(CrossesL.toTWIMBLEC.)

Hesureamazedme.I'mstillwonderingwhyhedidthisforme.TWIMBLE

(Sharply)SoamI.Istillthinkmyoriginalchoiceofamanwasbest.

BUD(Frantic)

Nowwaitaminute,Twimble.Pontyokayedit.

TWIMBLEIt'sjustthat

BUD

(Goingrighton)We'llhavenoreneging.Iwaspromisedthejob.

­34­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

TWIMBLE(Stampsfootonthefloor)

Waitaminute,waitaminuteBud.I'vebeenherealong,time.AquarteroaCentury.Ijustwanttomakesurethatthingsaredonetherightway.

(Droppinghandstohissides.)BUD

Iknowwhatyoumean,Mr.Twimble.Fromnowon...

(ImitatingTWIMBLEwithhishandsathissides)#6.–TheCompanyWay(Reprise)(Bud,Twimble,Chorus)

(BUD)I'LLPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY;WHEREVERTHECOMPANYPUTSMETHEREI'LLSTAY.

(BUDandTWIMBLEbothdrophandstotheirsides.)

ALL

WHATEVERTHECOMPANYTELLSHIM,THATHE'LLDO(BoyDANCERsalaams.)

BUD

WHATEVERMYUNCLEMAYTHINK,ITHINKSOTOO.(BUDtakesonestepdown.)

ALLOO‐OO‐OO.HE'SBEAMINGWITHCOMPANYPRIDE;

BUD

I'VECONQUEREDTHATOVER‐AMBITIOUSRATINSIDE.

TWIMBLEOLDBUDISNOLONGERTHEFRUMPHEUSEDTOBE.

BUD

IPLEDGETOTHECOMPANYSWEETCONFORMITY.

ALLHOORAY!HOORAY!

(BUDcrossesL.)

BUD

IWILLSOMEDAYEARNMYMEDAL(ALLbow.TwoBOYSformchairandGIRLdustsit.)

TWENTY‐FIVEYEAREMPLOYEE.(Applause.)

­35­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(BUD)

I'LLSEETOITTHATTHEMEDAL(BUDsitsonthesimulatedchair.GIRLconesandsitsonhislap.)

ISTHEONLYTHINGTHEY'LLEVERPINONME.(BUDandGIRLrise.BUDcrossesR.toTwimble.)

ALL

THEFRUMPWAYISTHECOMPANYWAY;EXECUTIVEPOLICYISBYHIMOKAY!

BUD

I'LLNEVERBEPRESIDENTBUTTHERE'SONETHINGCLEAR;

(ALLleanin.)

ASLONGASMYUNCLECANSTANDME,IWILLSTILLBEHERE.

ALL WEKNOWTHECOMPANYMAYLIKEORLUMPANYMAN...(MENliftBUDontheirshoulder.)

BUDI'msoproud!

ALLANDIFTHEYCHOOSETO,THECOMPANYMAYDUMPANYMAN

BUD

I'mhappy!

ALLBUTTHEYWILLNEVERDUMPFRUMP,THECOMPANYMAN,FRUMPWILLPLAYITTHECOMPANY,FRUMPWILLPLAYITTHECOMPANY,FRUMPWILLPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY,FRUMP!

(AfternumberALLcrowdaroundBUDcenterstage.BRATTentersR.withFINCHandcrossestoGATCH,D.R,holdingapantomimeconversation.)

BUDComeon,everybody.It'sacelebration.Iwanttoinviteallofyoutohavelunchonme.

(TheyapplaudandstartoffL.)

BRATT (L.ofFINCH)Boysandgirls,

­36­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(CROWDStops.)

(BRATT)Ihaveanotherannouncementtomake.Mr.GatchistakingyoungFinchintodepartmentasajuniorexecutive.

(TheyapplaudandstarttocarnBUDoff.ROSEMARYentersL.)

BUDWaitaminute!justaminute!ThatlunchisDutch.Infact,it'scanceled!Waitaminute!

(TheycarryhuhoffL.BRATTexitsL.CATCHexitsR.)

ROSEMARY

(CrossesDR.toFINCH)Ponty,that'swonderful,wonderful.Itoldyoutohavepatience.

FINCHYouwereright,Rosemary.Thanks.

ROSEMARY

(CrossesL.twosteps)Youshouldhavesomeonearoundallthetimetohelpyouthinkthingsout.

FINCHMaybeIshould.

ROSEMARY

(Turnstohim)Ponty,I'malwaysavailable.

FINCH(Backingoffalittle)

You'resurewonderful,Rosemary.OneofthesedaysIhopeIcanshowmyappreciationand

ROSEMARYLunch!

FINCH

Huh?

ROSEMARYIsaidlunch.

FINCH

Whataboutlunch?

ROSEMARYI'dloveto.

­37­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(turnstoher)

Lovetowhat?

ROSEMARYYousaid"Whataboutlunch."Gee,Ithoughtyou'dneveraskme.

(CrossesR.belowhim.)Let'sseewherewillwego.?Say.Iknow‐There'salittletearoom,averycuteplace,calledTheHungryT.It'sveryreasonable.I'llgetmythingsandmeetyourighthere.

(ShegoesIt)

FINCH(Leftalone,crossesL.toC.)

Ididn'tmean"Whataboutlunch?",Imeant"Whataboutlunch?"Imean...

(CATCHenterswithJENKINSfromexecutivesuite.Theystandonrisertalking.JENKINSexitsLLR.CATCHseesFINCH,comesdownstage.)

CATCH

SayFinch

FINCHYes,sir,Mr.Catch.

CATCHHow'stheyoungjuniorexecutivefeeling?

FINCHFine,Mr.Catch,fine.

CATCHComeon,I'llbuyyoulunchintheExecutiveClubupontheroof.

FINCHLunch?IntheExecutiveClub?Me?

CATCHSure.Nowthatyou'reajuniorexec,Icanputyouonmyexpenseaccount.

FINCHIt'sagreathonor,Mr.Catch.I'llgetmycoat.

(HeexitsL.)

CATCHOkay.I'llmeetyouattheelevator.

(CATCHstartsoffR.ROSEMARYre­entersfromR.)Ah,Rosemary,dear,seeingyoualwaysbrightensupmydays.

(Heputshisarmsaroundher.)

­38­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARY

(Gettingloose)Please,Mr.Gatch

CATCH

(Lettinghergo)I'vegottostopreadingPlayboy.

(HeexitsR.)FINCH

(Re­enteringfromL.,nowwearingsuitjacket)

Rosemary,I'vegotasurpriseforyou.Mr.Catchistakingmetolunch.#7.–Rosemary’sPhilosophy(Rosemary)

ROSEMARYTolunch?

FINCH

(CrossesR.belowher)Yep.HowdoIlook?

ROSEMARYYoulookfine,Ponty.

(CrossesU.L.tohertakesredflowerfromvase,crossesbackandputsitinFINCH'slapel.)Justfine.Haveagoodtime.

FINCHThanks,Rosemary.

(HestartsoffR.,stopsatsideandtakesoutbook,startstoread.ROSEMARYcrossesU.L.andsitsatthirddeskfromcenter,lookingafterFINCH.)

BOOKVOICE

Ifyouhavefollowedthesimpleinstructionsexactlyasoutlined,youshouldbynowbeajuniorexecutive.Congratulations.Nothingcanstopyounow.

(FINCHclosesbookandgoesU.R.intoexecutivesuite.)

ROSEMARYHAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARMTILLHECOMESWEARILYHOME.

Scene5

(BIGGLYseatedatdesk,isonphonetalkingtohisWife.)

­39­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY

(Onphone)

Yes,dear,yes,dear....But,dammit,Gertude,Ihaven'tgottimeforthisnonsenseaboutBud.Iknowbloodisthickerthanwater,butBudFrumpisthickerthananything.I'llpromotehimwhenI'mready.Now,listentome,Gertrude,thenexttimeBudcomplainstohismotherandshecallsyouandyoucallme,you'reallfired!

(Hangsup.Intercombuzzes.BIGGLEYclicksswitch,speaksgruffly.)Yes,MissJones.

MISSJONES'VOICE

There'sayoungladywhoinsistsonspeakingwithyou,Mr.B.Shesaysit'spersonal.

BIGGLEYWhat'sshewant‐What'shername?

MISSJONES'VOICEShesaysyou'llknow.

BIGGLEY

(Smallpause,thenasgruffasever)Oh.Well,putheron,putheron.

(Clicksintercomswitch,straightenshistie,picksupphone.Theninlow,intimatevoiceandwithastrongairofmystery.)

Hello...Well,now,youknewIwouldn'tforget.I'lltakecareofeverything.Onemoment.

(Clicksintercom.)

MissJones,getmeBrattinpersonnelrightaway.

(Backtophone.)

Youbeheretomorrow.Fine.'Bye.

(Hepushesanotherbuttononphone.)

Hello,Bratt,J.B.Idlikeyoutodomeafavor.Iwonderifyoucouldfindaspotforaayounglady.Wantstobeasecretary.She'suh...anoldfriendofthefamily's.HerdadwasaclassmateofmineatOldIvy.She'sabrightgirl.Gotagoodheadonhershoulders.HernameisLaRue.HedyLaRue.#8.–Hedy(Orchestra)

­40­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Scene6

(THECORRIDOROFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANY,sameasScene2.Astheblackvelourfliesup,HEDYLARUEisstandingstagecenter.Sheisadish.Abeautifuldish.SheisdressedsomewhatlikeaLatinQuartershowgirlwhohasstruckitrich.Notveryloud,notverybadtaste,butjusttoomuchofeverything.Shestandsperfectlypoisedinastatuesquepose.MENbegintoenterasthoughdrawnbySonicinvisiblecloudofperfume.AtonemomentaFEWOFTHEMcrossthestageoneafteranother.Theyseemtobetotallyabsorbedinthepaperstheyarecarrying,thensuddenlyseeHEDY,stopandjointheGROUPthat'sadmiringher.BUDentersR.,crossesstageL.,stopsdeadinhistracks,turnsback,talkstothegroupofMENstageL.,crossesbelowHEDY,talkstotheMENstageR.,straightenshistieandcrossestotheL.ofHEDY.)

BUD

CanIhelpyou,honey?

(HEDYturnstolookathim.Shelookshimoververycarefüllyforagoodlongtuneandfinallyshespeaks.)

HEDY

(Withaslightregaltossofherhead)Scram.

(MISSKRUMHOLTZandGIRLenterR.)

BUD(Afterherecovers)

Youdon'tunderstand,Miss.Yousee,I'mBudFrump,J.B.Biggley'snephew.

(BOTHcrossD.S.)

HEDYOh,howdoyoudo?I'mwaitingforMr.BrattofPersonnel.I'masecretary.

BUD

Ispottedthattheminuteyoucamein.

HEDYOh,thankyou.Ofcourse,I'mnewatthisand

(BRATT'entersU.L.,followedbySMITTY,crossesR.toL.ofHEDY.)

BRATTMissLaRue?

(TWOGIRLSandTWOMENenterR.)

HEDYYeah?Imean,yes?

­41­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATTI'mBertBratt,Personnel.Sorrytohavekeptyouwaiting.

HEDYOh,notatall,sir.Itisiwhomamlate.

BRATTOh,notreally.

HEDYOh,yes.Iwasverynaughtythismorning.I'mstillnotaccustomedtoearlyarisal

(EVERYBODYreacts.OTHEROFFICEPERSONNELenter.)

BRATTIunderstand.Well,ifyou'llstepintomyoffice,we'll...

(Heturns,bumpsintoSMITFY.)Oh,sorry.ThisisMissSmith,mysecretary.

HEDY(Leaning,acrossBRATT,)

Howareyou,dear?

SMITTYFine,dear.Uh,Mr.Bratt,Mr.Bratt!

BRATTYes,Smitty?

SMITTYIhavetogetsomenewtaxwithholdingblanks.

BRATT

Yes,youdothat,Smitty.

(ShegoesL.BRATT'escortsHEDYtowardhisoffice.)

BRATTMissLaRue,ifyouwilljustcomeinherewithme,I'llgetyourparticulars.

HEDYThirty‐nine,twenty‐two,thirty‐eight.

(SheexitsU.L.throughpersonneldoor,BRATTfollowingher.)

BUDIwinthepool.

(OTHEROFFICEPERSONNELenter.)

JENKINSBoy,isn'tshesomething!

DAVISShesureis.

­42­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(BRATTre­enters.)

BRATTGentlemen,onemomentplease.

(MENcrossL.toBratt.)

JENKINS

(CrossesL.toBratt)Say,Bratt,Ineedanewsecretary.

MANSodoI.

BRATTGentlemen,MissLaRuewillbeassignedaccordingtonormalprocedureassoonasherqualificationshavebeendetermined.

JENKINSI'dsureliketodeterminethem.

MENMe,too,etc.,etc.#9.–ASecretaryIsNotAToy(Bratt,Bud,MissKrumholtz,Chorus)

BRATTGentlemen... GENTLEMEN

BRATTASECRETARYISNOTATOY,NO,MYBOY;NOTATOYTOFONDLEANDDANDLEANDPLAYFULLYHANDLEINSEARCHOFSOMEPUERILEJOY.NO,ASECRETARYISNOTDEFINITELYNOT,ATOY.

(BRATTgoesintohisofficeU.L.ALLwatchhimexit.)

JENKINS

(CrossesR.­stops)You'reabsolutelyright,Mr.Bratt.

BUD

(CrossesR.­stops)Wewouldn'thaveitanyotherway,Mr.Bratt.

JENKINS(CrossesR.­stops)

It'sacompanyrule,Mr.Bratt.

­43­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ExitsR.ALLexitbutTHREEBOYS.GIRLcrossesL.to­R.)

THREEBOYS(C.)

ASECRETARYISNOTATOY,

NO,MYBOY,NOTATOY; SODONOTGOJUMPINGFORJOY,

TWOBOYS

BOY.ASECRETARYISNOT,ASECRETARYISNOT,ASECRETARYISNOT

TWOBOYSANDFOURGIRLS

ATOY.

FOURGIRLS(CrossingL.)

ASECRETARYISNOTTOBEUSEDFORPLAYTHERAPY.

ALLBEGOODTOTHEGIRLYOUEMPLOY,BOY;REMEMBER,NOMATTERWHATNEUROTICTROUBLEYOU'VEGOT,ASECRETARYISNOTATOY.(Typewritersequence.)

SHE'SAHIGHLYSPECIALIZEDKEYCOMPONENT OFOPERATIONALUNITY… AFINEANDSENSITIVEMECHANISM TOSERVETHEOFFICECOMMUNITY.

BOYS WITHAMOTHERATHOMESHESUPPORTS,

BUD

(EntersR.,crossesD.C.)

ANDYOU'LLFINDNOTHINGLIKEHERATF.A.O.SCHWARZ!

(ExitsU.R.)

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

(CrossingR.toL.withTWOBOYS)

ASECRETARYISNOTAPET,NORANERECTORSET.

­44­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

MISSKRUMHOLTZANDTWOBOYS

ITHAPPENEDTOCHARLIEMCCOY,BOY.THEYFIREDHIMLIKEASHOT…THEDAYTHEFELLOWFORGOTASECRETARYISNOT...ATOY.

(Dance.)

ALLASECRETARYISNOT...ATOY.

(ExitR.andL.)

BOYS

(L.inpersonneldoor)

ANDWHENYOUPUTHERTOUSE;OBSERVE,WHENYOUPUTHERTOUSE,

BUD

(R.indoor)

THATYOUDON'TFINDTHENAME"LIONEL"ONHERCABOOSE.

THREEGIRLS

(CrossingD.C.)

ASECRETARYISNOTATHINGWOUNDBYKEY,PULLEDBYSTRING.HERPADISTOWRITEINANDNOTSPENDTHENIGHTIN…IFTHAT'SWHATYOUPLANTOENJOY.NO!

ALL

(EnteringfrontL.andR.)THESECRETARYY'GOTISDEFINITELYNOTEMPLOYEDTODOAGAVOTTE…ORYOUKNOWWHAT.

(ALLfade.Up.)BEFOREYOUJUMPFORJOYREMEMBERTHIS,MYBOY,ASECRETARYISNOT.ATINKERTOY!

#9a–TheExecutives’Exit(Orchestra)

­45­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Scene7

(THEELEVATORLANDING.Abankofthreeelevatorstwoofwhicharepractical.PEOPLEareleavingfortheday,dooropens)

GIRL

(EntersL.withgirlfriend,pushesdownbutton)SoIsaid,"Justkeepyourhandswheretheybelong...,,

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)

MAN(EntersItwithANOTHERMAN)

SohesaidI'mnextinlineforpromotion.

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(TwoGIRLSenterfromL.)

SECONDGIRL

SoIsaid,"Justkeepyourhandswheretheybelong..."'

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(TwoMENenterfromL.)

SECONDMAN

SohesaidI'llbeheadofsalesinayearwitharaiseand

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(TwoGIRLSenterfromR.)

THIRDGIRL

SoIsaid,"Justkeepyourhandswheretheybelong..."'

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(TwoMENenterfromL.)

THIRDMAN

I'mdyingtoseethatnew,productionchart.

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(MISSKRUMHOLTZandGIRLenterfromL.)

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

So,whatthehell,I'mhavingdinnerwithhim.

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)

­46­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(FINCHentersL.,crossestoelevatorasdoorscloseinhisface.HecrossestostageItelevatorandpushesdownbutton.BIGGLEYentersR.withMISSJONESandcrossestofrontofelevatorL.FINCHwillstandontheothersideofthestage,carefullylisteningwitheveryearonhishead.)

BIGGLEY

(CrossingtoL.ofC.)

DidyoucallmywifeandsayIwon'tbehomefordinner?

MISSJONES

(Followinghim)

Yes,Mr.B.Bytheway,youleftyourgolfclubsintheoffice.TomorrowisSaturdayandyou'replayingwithMr.Womper,thechairmanoftheboard.

BIGGLEYOh,yes.Well,I'llheshyingintowntonightsoI'llcomeinandpicktheclubsupinthemorning.

MISSJONES

Andyouaskedmetoremindyouaboutyourcollegealumniassociation.

BIGGLEYOh,yeah.Well,sendthemthesamecheck.IgetakickoutofthinkingoftheirfaceswhentheygetthatfatcheckfromOldLeast‐Likely‐To‐Succeed.

MISSJONESVerywell,Mr.BiggIe

(TACKABERRYentersR.,crossestoR.ofC.)

TACKABERRYSay,J.B.,there'saphonecall.Yourwife.

BIGGLEY(ToTackaberry)

Mywife?Dat.I'lltakeitinyouroffice.That'sall,MissJones.

(HeexitsItTACKABERRYfollowshim.MISSJONESstartsoffR.FINCHcrossesDstoppingher.)

FINCH

Oh,MissJones!

MISSJONESHello,Ponty.How'stheyoungjuniorexecutive?

FINCHJustfine,MissJones,thankstothehelpfuladviceI'vebeengettingfromYOU.

MISSJONES(CrossesK)

Well,I'mgladourlittletalkshaveprovenvaluable.

­47­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHTheysurehave.

(ShecrossesR.belowFINCH.)Oh,bytheway,goodlucktonight.

MISSJONES

(Stops)Goodluck?

FINCHYes.Inthebowlingtournament.Ihearthatyou'rethebestbowlerontheladies'team.

MISSJONES

(CrossesL.toFINCH)Howsweetofyoutobeinterestedinathinglikethat.

FINCH

(Nose­to­nose)I'mfascinatedbythehobbiesofpeopleIlike.

MISSJONESSay!Wouldyouliketocomewatchusbowltonight?

FINCH

(Reacts,CrossesL.twosteps)I'dloveto,MissJones,butIshouldgotobedearly.I'mworkingtomorrow.

MISSJONESOnSaturday?NoonearoundhereworksonSaturday.

(CrossesL.tohim.)Ponty,you'reaveryunusualboy.You'llgofar.

FINCHMissJones,thatmeansalot‐yoursayingthat‐becauseyou'reMr.Biggley'ssecretaryandhe'sthemanImostwanttoemulate.He'ssocapableandthoughtful.Iheardhimrememberingtosendachecktohisoldschool.Harvard,isn'tit?

MISSJONESHarvard?Don'teverletJ.B.hearyousaythat.He'saGroundhog.

FINCHButwheredidhegotocollege.?

MISSJONES

OldIvy.(StartsOffR.)

FINCHOldIvy?

­48­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

MISSJONES(stops)

Ofcourse.They'retheGroundhogs.Mr.Biggleyisveryproudofhisoldschool.Well,goodnight,Ponty.

(StartsoffR.again.)FINCH

Goodnight,MissJones.

MISSJONES(Stops)

Don'tworktoohard.

FINCHDon'tworry,Iwon't.

(MISSJONESexitsR.ROSEMARYandSMITTYenterL.TheystopwhentheyseeFINCH)

ROSEMARY

(CrossesbelowSMITTYtoFINCH,R.ofC.)Hello,stranger.

FINCHOh,hi,Rosemary.Hi,Smitty.

SMITTY(OnestepR.)

Hi,Ponty.

(PressesdownelevatorbuttonstageIt)Beenalongday,hasn'tit?

FINCHSurehas.

ROSEMARYIhaven'tseenyousinceyougotyournewjob.

FINCHOh,I'vebeenworkingprettyhard.

ROSEMARYBeenalongday.

SMITTY(Suddenthought)

Say,Rosemary,whereareyouhavingdinnertonight?

ROSEMARY(CrossesL.belowSmitty)

Thatdepends.

­49­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SMITTYOnwhat?

ROSEMARYOnwhereI'mhavingdinner.

(LooksatFINCH.)

SMITTYHuh?Oh!

(BOTHGIRLSturnU.S.)#10–BeenALongDay(Smitty,Rosemary,Finch)

SMITTYWELL,HEREITISFIVEP.M.,THEFINISHOFALONGDAY'SWORKANDTHERETHEYARE,BOTHOFTHEM,THESECRETARYANDTHECLERK...

(ROSEMARYlooksatFINCH.FINCHlooksather.Shelooksaway.ROSEMARYlooksatFINCH,FINCHlooksaway.ROSEMARYlooksaway.)

NOTVERYWELLACQUAINTED,NOTVERYMUCHTOSAYBUTICANHEARTHOSETWOLITTLEMINDSTICKINGAWAY.NOWSHE'STHINKING

ROSEMARY

(Turnsfront)

IWONDERIFWETAKETHESAMEBUS?

SMITTY

ANDHE'STHINKING:

FINCH

(Turnsfront)

THERECOULDBEQUITEATHINGBETWEENUS.

SMITTYNOW,SHE'STHINKING:

ROSEMARYHEREALLYISADEAR.

SMITTYANDHE'STHINKING:

FINCHBUTWHATOFMYCAREER?

­50­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SMITTYTHENSHESAYS:

(ROSEMARYyawnscrossesR.toSMITTY)

ANDHESAYS:

FINCHErr...uh

(CrossesL.toSMITTY.)Wellit'sbeenalongday;

ALL

WELL,IT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.

SMITTY

NOW,SHE'STHINKING:

ROSEMARYIWISHTHATHEWEREMOREOFAFLIRT.

SMITTY

ANDHE'STHINKING:

FINCHIGUESSALITTLEFLIRTINGWON'THURT.

SMITTY

NOW,SHE'STHINKING:

ROSEMARYFORDINNERWECOULDMEET.

SMITTY

ANDHE'STHINKING:

FINCHWEBOTHHAVEGOTTOEAT.

SMITTY

THEN,SHESAYS:

ROSEMARYACHOO!

(CrossesR.toSMITTY)

SMITTY

ANDHESAYS:

FINCHGESUNDHEIT!

(CrossesL.toSmitty)

­51­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARY

Thankyou.

FINCHWELL,IT'SBEENALONGDAY,

ALL

WELL,IT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.

SMITTY

(Unfoldsnewspaper)HEY!THERE'SAYUMMYFRIDAYSPECIALATSTOUFFER'S;IT'SADOLLARNINETYVEGETABLEPLATE.ANDONTHEBOTTOMOFTHEAD…NOTBAD"SERVICEFORTWO,THREEFIFTY‐EIGHT;TOMAKEABARGAIN,MAKEADATE."

ROSEMARY

WONDERFUL!

FINCHIT'SFATE!

SMITTY

NOW,SHE'STHINKING:

ROSEMARY

WHATFEMALEKINDOFTRAPCOULDISPRING?

SMITTYANDHE'STHINKING:

FINCH

IMIGHTASWELLFORGETTHEWHOLETHING.

SMITTY

NOW,SHE'STHINKING(CrossesR.aboveFINCH.)

ROSEMARYSUPPOSEITAKEHISARM

(CrossesR.toFINCH.)

SMITTY

ANDHE'STHINKING:

FINCHWELL,REALLY,WHAT'STHEHARM?

­52­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SMITTY

THEN,SHESAYS:ROSEMARY

HUNGRY?

SMITTY

ANDHESAYS:(Pause.)

FINCH YEAH!

ROSEMARYYEAH!

SMITTYYEAH!

ALL

WELLIT'SBEENALONGDAY;WELL,ITSBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENLONG,BEENALONGDAY.

(Elevatordoorsopen.CHORUSsings.)

CHORUSWELLIT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.

ROSEMARYandFINCHenterelevatorL.SMITTYenterselevatorR.ElevatordownClose.Aftersong,BIGGLEYre­entersR.mutteringtohimself.HecrossesL..pushesdownelevatorbutton.)

BIGGLEYBlithering,blathering.

(BUDentersL.,caringemptymailsack.BIGGLEYstopshim,grabshimbythetie.)

BIGGLEYDammit,you'vebeencomplainingtoyourmotheragain.Shewantsyoupromoted.

BUD

Whynot?Otherpeoplearebeingpromoted

BIGGLEY

Well,ItoldyourAuntGertrudethat

(HEDYentersR.)

HEDYOh,thereyou...

­53­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(HEDY)(SeesBUD,composesherself)

Goodevening,Mr.Biggley. (CrossestoR.elevator.)

BIGGLEY(Carefullybusinesslike)

Oh,goodevening,MissLaRue.

BUDUncleJasper!

BIGGLEY(TurnstoBUD)

Itoldyounevertocallmethataroundhere.

BUDI'msorry,J.B.

BIGGLEYNow,haven'tyougotsomethingtodo?

BUDIwasjustgoingtogetmyhatandgohome.

BIGGLEYGood.

(BUDgoesslowlyR.,lookingbackatBIGGLEYandHEDY)

BIGGLEY

(PullinghimselftogetherandcrossingR.toHEDY)Howdoyoulikeyournewjob,MissLaRue?

HEDYIt'sabig,fatnothing.

(BUDoverhearsthis,thenexitsR.)

BIGGLEYSweetheart,don'ttalkthatwayaroundhere.

HEDY

IthoughtyouweregoingtohelpmebeabigbusinesswomanlikeHelenaRubinsteinorBettyCrocker.Sowhathappens?I'mstuckinthegoddamnstenographicpoolwithnoonetofishmethehellout.

BIGGLEYSsssshhh.Angelthesethingstaketime.Youhavetolearn

(SOMEONEcrossesR.toL.andBIGGLEYsuddenlyswitchestoaloudbusinessliketone.)Yes,MissLaRue,inalargeoperationlikeWorldWideWicketstherearemanymultiplefacetswhichareveryimportantintheschemeofthings.

­54­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(BIGGLEY)

(PERSONexitsL.andBIGGLEYswitchesbacktohispleadingtone.)Hedy,Ipromiseyou...

HEDYIgiveupawonderfuljob.HeadcigarettegirlattheCopa.

BIGGLEY

Butthesurroundings.Yousaidyouhatedallthosemenstaringatyou,makingadvances.

HEDYIt'snodifferentaroundhereinbigbusiness.AtleastattheCopa,whenIgotpinched,1gottipped.

(CrossesR.)Aroundhereagirlcan'tbenddowntopickupapencilwithconfidence.

BIGGLEY

(CrossesR.toher)Youmeansomeonehasbeenbotheringyou?Who?justletmeknowwho.

(SOMEONEcrossesL.toR.BIGGLEY'Svoicegoesupagain.)Yes!Miss,inalargeoperationlikeWorldWideFacets,therearemanymultiplewicketswhich...Whopinchedyou?

HEDYIdon'tcareaboutthat.Look,youdidnotkeepyourpartofmybargain.

BIGGLEYSweetheart!Imeanteveryword.Tellyouwhat,I'llmeetyouatyourplaceintenminutesandwecantalkitover.

HEDY

(Turnsslowlytohim)No.

BIGGLEY

But,angel

(BUDentersR.withhishatandcoaton,dressedexactlylikeBIGGLEY.BIGGLEY'sVOICEgoesupagain.)

Yes,Miss,inalargeoperationlikeWorldWideWickets,therearemanymultiplefacetswhich...

(BUDcrossestoelevatorL.,pushesdownbutton.Hestraightenshistie,brush’soffhiscoat,continuesprimping.BIGGLEYlooksatBUDandthenathisowntittiit',1t1"theyaredressedidentically.ImpatientlyhecrossesL.toBUD.)

Whydon'tyougohome?

­55­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUDI'mwaitingfortheelevator.

BIGGLEYWhydon'tyouwalkdown?

BUDIt'sthirtyfloors!

BIGGLEY

(TurninghisheadawayfromBUDandspeakingunderhisbreath)

Whydon'tyoujump?

BUD

(PuttingonhisglovesandtakingalookatHEDY)Veryattractivegirl,MissLaRue.

BIGGLEYHuh?Oh,yes,Iguessso.Iwasjust,uh,tryingtomakeherfeelathome.Sheseemstoberatherashyperson.

BUDYes.We'll,yougoahead,J.B.

(BIGGLEYstartsR.)I'mmeetingMotherfordinner.

(BIGGLEYstopsdead,crossesbacktoBUD.)Shelovesdinnerwithme.Itellhereverythingthathappensalldayattheoffice.#11–BeenALongDay(Reprise)(Bud,Biggley,Hedy)

(CrossesR.belowBIGGLEYtoC.)

(BUD)NOWHE'STHINKING:

BIGGLEY

THEKIDCOULDREALLYPUTMETHROUGHHELL!

BUDANDSHE'STHINKING:

HEDY

THEKIDCOULDEVENNAMETHEHOTEL.

BUDNOWHE'STHINKING:

BIGGLEYIWONDERIFHE'DDARE…

­56­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUDANDSHE'STHINKING:

HEDY

THERE'SBLACKMAILINTHEAIR.

BUDANDHESAYS:

BIGGLEY

IT'SAHOLDUP!(Elevatoritdoorsopen.)

BUDANDSHESAYS:

HEDY

DOWN?

BIGGLEYWaitaminute!Okay,you'repromoted.(CrossesR.belowBUDtoHEDY.)

ALLWELL,IT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.

(HEDYandBIGGLEYgointoelevatorItDoorsclose.BUDcrossesL.)

BUD

WELL,IT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.

(ElevatorL.doorsopen,BUDbacksintoelevator.)

HA!(Doorsclose.)#11a–SaturdayMorning(Orchestra)

Scene8

(THEOUTEROFFICE.Saturdaymorning.Desksan'clean,typewritersarecovered.Thewholeofficehasafresh,cleanlook.TwoSCRUBWOMENwithmops,etc.,are,justfinishingup.Theyaresmokingcigarettes.)

FIRSTSCRUBWOMAN

(Lookingaround)Okay,Jackie,that'sit.

­57­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SECONDSCRUBWOMAN

(L.ofC.)

Yep,allspicasaspan.Ibetnowsomeslob'llcomeinanddirtyitallup.

FIRSTSCRUBWOMANNah,notonSat'dymorning.Comeon,let'sdothebigshot'snow.

(TheygointoexecutivesuiteU.R.Afteramoment,FINCHentersfromU.L.Afteraglancetomakesurenooneisaround,quicklyhedropstopcoatonthirddesk,crossesD.belowdesks.Putsattachécaseonfloor.Putspapersfromcaseonfirstdeskandonfloorarounddesk.TossesaddingmachinecoverU.S.Takesfourpapercoffeecupsoutofcaseandputsthemonhisdesk.Takesashtrayandbagofcigarettebuttsoutofcaseandfillsashtray,putsondesk.Putspaperbagbackincase.Closescase,putsitunderseconddesk.Unrollsaddingmachinetapeandwindsitaroundlamplettingithangdownonthefloor.Removesjacket,putsitonchairofseconddesk.Loosenstie,rumpleshair.Collapsesinchairoffirstdesk,headondeskasthoughsoundasleep.BIGGLEYentersfromR.andheadsforexecutivesuite.Heisdressedforgolf.HeseesFINCH,stopsdead,looksatwatch,walksovertoFINCHandtapshimonshoulder.)

BIGGLEY

Goodmorning.

FINCH

(Rises,crossesL.asthoughwakingupfromanap)Oh,isitmorningalready,sir?

BIGGLEYGoodGod,man.Haveyoubeenworkingallnight.?

FINCH

(Crossesuptohisdesk)WellIhadafewthingstocatchupon.Ishouldn'tbeheremuchlonger.

BIGGLEYByGeorgeuh,I'msorry,yournameslipsmymind.

FINCHFinch,sir.F‐I‐N‐C‐H.

(Sits.)

BIGGLEYOh,yes.I'veheardsomegoodthingsaboutyoufrommyscouts.

FINCHThankyou,sir.

BIGGLEYWell,Finch,it'sgreattoseeamanintherecarrying,theball.Youknowsyoumakemefeelabitguilty.Ijustdroppedintopickupmygolfclubs.IhavetoplayaroundtodaywitholdWallyWomper.He'schairmanoftheboard,youknow.

­58­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHIimagineonehavetodothatsortofthingonceinawhile.

BIGGLEYNowdon'tpushyourselftoohard,Finch.Therearelimits,youknow.

FINCH

(Bravely)Oh,don'tworryaboutme,sir.

BIGGLEY(Startsoff)

I’lljustgetmyclubs.

(Startsupstepstoexecutivesuite.FINCHrisesandbeginshummingmelodyofOLDIVY

BIGGLEYstopsdeadashehearswhatFINCHissinging.CrossesbacktoFINCH.)What'sthatyou'rehumming?

FINCH(Stopshumming)

Huh?Oh,Ididn'trealizeIwashumming,Sir.

BIGGLEYYouwerehummingtheOldIvyfightsong.

FINCH

(Doeshissmile,thenspeaks)IguessItwasunconsciousonmypart.

BIGGLEYDidyougothere?WereyouaGroundhog.?

FINCH(Hesitantly)

Well,Sir

(Sits.)BIGGLEY

Sayit,boy!Comeoutwithit.Iknowalotofguyshaveaninferioritycomplexbecausetheydidn'tgotoYaleorPrinceton.You'renotashamedofOldIvy,areyou?

FINCHNo,Sir,notabit.(Rises.)

BIGGLEY

That'stheGroundhogspirit.IshouldhaveknownyouwereOldIvy.Whatyear?

(FINCHcrossesD.toC.,lostinthought;makesfootballpassmotion.BIGGLEYcrossesD.)Finch,whendidyougraduate?

­59­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHOh,I'msorry,Sir.Iwasthinkingaboutthebiggametoday.I'msorryIhavetomissit.WereplayingtheChipmunks.

BIGGLEYThat'sright.Ican'tgetupthere,either.jhopethosedamnedChipmunksdon'tgiveustoomuchtrouble.

FINCHOh,Ithinkwe'lltakethem,Sir.Charnowsky'skneeismuchbetter.

BIGGLEYOh,withCharnowskyintheretheteam'smoraleshouldpickup.He'sthedirtiestplayerwe'vegot.

FINCHWell,eventhoughwe'renotthereinperson,we'llberootingfor'em.Right?

BIGGLEYRight.#12–OldIvy(Biggley,Finch)

(BIGGLEY)

GRR‐R‐R‐ROUNDHOG!(Theyshakehands.)

FINCH

GR‐R‐R‐R‐R‐ROUNDHOG!

BIGGLEY(Marchesdownandthenup)

STANDOLDIVY,STANDFIRMANDSTRONG.

(FINCHstandstotheL.,watchinghim.)

GRANDOLDIVY,HEARTHECHEERINGTHRONG.

(FINCHcrossestoBIGGLEY.)

BIGGLEYANDFINCH

STANDOLDIVYANDNEVERYIELD.RRR‐RIP!RRR‐RIP!RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNKOFFTHEFIELD.

FINCH

(Onhisknees)

WHENYOUFALLONTHEBALL,

­60­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY

ANDYOU'REDOWNTHEREATTHEBOTTOMOFTHEHEAP,

FINCH

(CrossesR.ofBIGGLEY,thebottomoftheheap,dropstohisknees.)

DOWNATTHEBOTTOMOFTHEHEAP,

BIGGLEY

WHERETHEMUDIS,OH,SOVERY,VERYDEEP,HEAP,

FINCH

(Rises.)DOWNINTHECRUDDY,MUDDYDEEP,

BIGGLEYDON'TFORGET,BOY,

BOTHTHAT'SWHYTHEYCALLUS,THEYCALLUSGRRROUNDHOG!GRRROUNDHOG!

(BOTHcrossL.) FINCH BIGGLEY

STAND GRR‐ROUNDHOGOLDIVY, GRR‐ROUNDHOGSTANDFIRM RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIP,ANDSTRONG. RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNK!

(BOTHcrossR.)

GRANDOLDIVY, GRANDOLDIVY,HEARTHECHEERINGTHRONG. HEARTHECHEERINGTHRONG.STAND GRR‐ROUNDHOG!

OLDIVY… GRR‐ROUNDHOG!GODBLESSYOU…

BOTHANDNEVERYIELD.RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNKOFFTHEFIELD.

FINCH

(R.ofBIGGLEY)

Ienjoyedthat,sir.

­61­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEYSodidI,boy.Well,I'llgogetthoseclubs.

(Startsoffchanting.)

Rip,rip,rip,theChipmunk,off… (CrossesU.S.R.intoexecutivesuite.FINCHgoesbacktohisdesk,reachesintohis attachécase,pullsoutafairlylargehunkofknitting,sitsonthedesk.,tossestheball ofwoolU.S.andbeginstoknit.BIGGLEYre­entersR.,stopsandlooksattheknitting

withfascination.CrossesL.toFINCH.)What'sthatyou'redoing?

FINCH

(Eyesclosed)

Twenty‐Sixtwenty‐seven,twenty‐eight,twenty‐nine.I'msorry,Ijustwantedtofinishthisrow.Iguessthislookssilly,sir.ButI'vealwaysfoundthatknittinghelpsmethinkmoreclearly.

BIGGLEYWell,I'llbedamned.

(Putstheclubsdownagainstdesk,crossesL.belowFINCH,looksaroundtomakesuretheyarealone.ConfidentiallytoFINCH.)

Iknit,too.

(Sitsinchairoffirstdesk.)

FINCHReally!

(Rises.)BIGGLEY

Yep.It'sgoodformynerves.Beendoingitforyears.Nobodyknowsbutmysecretary,MissJones.Youknowher.

FINCH (Carefully)Yes,I'vemether.

BIGGLEY

(Suddenlypointingtoknitting)What'sthisgoingtobe?

FINCHOh,IthoughtI'dmakea

(Heholdsupknittingonvariouspositions.)...abirdcagecover.

(Putsknittingondesk.)

­62­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEYBirdcagecover.Inevermadeoneofthose.

(Rises.)Buthowdoyoulikethis?

(Indicatessweaterhe'swearing.)

FINCHOh,that'sbeautiful,sir.

BIGGLEYImadethecoversforthosegolfclubs.See?Popcornstitch.

FINCH

(Takesoutclub,handsittoBIGGLEY.BIGGLEYsits)Youknow,Mr.BIGGLEY,Ifeelkindofsorryformenwhodon'tknit.Theyleademptylives.

BIGGLEYIlikethewayyouthinch,Fink.

FINCH"Think,Finch,"sir.

BIGGLEY

Think,Finch‐yes.Tellme,whatareyouheadingforaroundhere?What'syourambitioninthisoutfit?Brightfellowlikeyoumusthaveitallplannedout.

FINCH(CrossesR,)

Well,Mr.Biggley,ifI'meverfortunateenoughtoreachapositionwhereIhaveachoice,I'dliketobewheretheydosomethingreal...

(Crossesback.)

...somethingamancangethisteethinto...soliddown‐to‐earththeadvertisingdepartment.

BIGGLEY

(Rises,crossesD.S.FINCHcrossesdownwithhim)Advertising!Son,Iwouldn'twantthatforanoldschoolmateofmine.It'stootoughtooinsecure.Why,thisplacehashadfifteennewadvertisingmanagersinthepastyearalone.Thepoordevilsdisappearattherateofaboutoneamonth.

FINCHWhyisthat?

BIGGLEYIfirethem.

FINCH

Butifyougotamanwithideas,hecouldswingit.

­63­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY(Contemptuously)

Ideas!That'swhatIlookfor.IkeephiringmenwhoaresupposedtohavebrilliantideasandnotoneofthemwilleverdowhatItellhim.No,son,yousticktowhatyou'redoing.You'lldoallrightthere.Damnedgooddepartment.Bytheway,whereareyou?

FINCHPlansandSystems.Mr.Catch'sdepartment.

BIGGLEYGoodman,Catch.Knowswhathe'sdoing.Youstaywithhim.AndI'llkeepmyeyeonyou,too.

(FINCHcrossesU.todesk,getsgolfclubs.BIGGLEYcrossesR.FINCHcrossesD.L.ofBIGGLEY,handshimthegolfclubs.)

FINCH

Hereyouare,sir.Haveawonderfulday.I'vegottogetthisdonebeforemidnight.

(Startsfordesk.)BIGGLEY

Midnight.

(FINCHstops.)That'stheGroundhogspirit.

(TwoSCRUBWOMENenterfromexecutivesuite,standlisteningattopofriser.)

#13–GrandOldIvy(Reprise)(Biggley,Finch)

FINCH&BIGGLEY

GRR‐ROUNDHOG!CRR‐ROUNDHOG!STANDOLDIVY,STANDFIRMANDSTRONG.RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNKOFFTHEFIELD.

(TheygoitSCRUBWOMENcomedownstairs,surveythemess)

FIRSTSCRUBWOMANBeautiful!

SECONDSCRUBWOMANWhatwasthat?

FIRSTSCRUBWOMAN

Acollegesong,

SECONDSCRUBWOMANWhatcollege?

­64­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FIRSTSCRUBWOMAN

(Pickingupknittingoffdesk)I'dsayVassar.#13a–Vassar(Orchestra)

Scene9

(FINCH'sFIRSTOFFICE.AsmalldeskwithtwochairsissetinfrontofanairventstageR.Intheblack,wehearBIGGLEY'SVOICE.)

BIGGLEY'SVOICE

Hello,Bratt?ThisisJ.B.Say,whatarewerunningaroundhere,asweatshop?We'reworkingthatboytoohard.Who?Finch!F‐I‐N‐C‐H...Thepoordevilworkedhereallweekend.Ioughttoknow.Iwastherewithhim,workingsidebyside.Theladneedshelp.Well,firstofall,Iwanthimtohaveanofficeofhisown...deservesthebestyouhaveavailable.Oh,nothingfancy‐don'twanthimgettingideas.

(WhentheLIGHTScomeup,FINCHiswalkingarounddustingandstraightningthings.ROSEMARYentersfromR.)

ROSEMARY

Hello,Ponty.

FINCHRosemary,comeonin.Howdoyoulikeit?

(CrossesR.abovedesk.)

ROSEMARY

(Looksaround,crossesL.belowdesk.)Yourfirstoffice.It'sbeautiful.

(Sits.)

FINCHIt'snotbad,considering.Ididwantmynameonthedoor,butIdecidednottoashbecausethere'snodoor.

ROSEMARYIt'sbeautiful.Icanonlystayaminute.IjustwantedtotellyouthatIhadagoodtimetheothernight.

FINCH(Sits)

Me,too.Ienjoyedtheconversation.Itwasvery...Well,iguessItalkedallthetime.

ROSEMARYIlikedit.But‐justonething,Ponty.

­65­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ROSEMARY)

(Rises,crossesD.)...Aboutwhathappenedlater.Imean,whenwesaidgoodnight.

(FINCHrises,crossesDR.ofdesk.)ItwasourfirstdateandIdon'twant.youtogeta.wrongimpressionofme,but...well,Iguessit'snaturalforafellowtotrytogetalittlefreshwithagirlandmakeapassather,butyoudidn'tdoanything!

FINCHIhadtogetupearly.

(HEDYentersR.ROSEMARYlooksR.pastFINCH.FINCH,realizingsomeonehasentered,turnsItandisshockedatthesightofHEDYLARUE.)

Sir?...Miss?

HEDYI'mMissLaRue,honey.

FINCHWhatcanIdoforyou,MissLaRue?

HEDYAsecretarywasorderedtobeassignedtoyou.I'myourassignation.

ROSEMARY

(ConfidentiallytoFINCH)Youdidn'ttellmeyouweregettingasecretary.

FINCH

(CrossesL.toROSEMARY)Ijustfoundoutmyself.

ROSEMARYWell,happydictation,Ponty.

(ShegoesR.belowHEDY.)HEDY

'Bye.(ROSEMARYexits.FINCHstraightenshisjacket,bows,realizesthat'sthewrongthingtodo,lowershisvoice.)

FINCH

Now,nowwon'tyousitdown,MissLaRue?(CrossesR.abovedesk.)

HEDYThankyou.

(ShecrossesL.,sits,crossesherlegs,revealingagreatdealofsame.)

­66­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH (Afterstaringatherforamoment)Now,MissLaRue...

HEDYOh,justcallmeHedy.

FINCH

Well...I...I...thinkthatperhapsinabusinessrelationship.

HEDYYou'recute.

FINCHExcusemeamoment.

(Hepicksuphisbook,walkstocornerofhisofficeD.R.andreads.)

BOOKVOICE

Choosingasecretarycanbefraughtwithperil.TakeagoodlookattheYoungladywhohasbeenassignedtoyou.

(BOOKVOICEstops.FINCHlooksatHEDY,whoisfixingherstocking.FINCHbeginstoreadagain.BOOKVOICEresumes.)

Ifsheissoattractivethatyoufeelthingsaretoogoodtobetrue,beverycareful.ItmaybethatoneofthebigmeninthecompanyisInterested‐In‐Her‐Career.Thereisasimpletestforthis.Checkonhersecretarialskill.Thesmallerherabilities,thebiggerherProtector.

(FINCHclosesbook,goestodesk.)

FINCH

MissLaRue,let'strysomedictation.Takealetter.

HEDY(Flipsopenstenopad)

Shoot!

FINCH

(CrossesL.ofHEDY,speaksslowly)ThisistoMr.Catch....DearMr..Catch (CrossesRSlowly.)Pursuanttoour...discussionof

HEDYWaitaminute

(FINCHStops.)Youfryingtocatchatrab?

­67­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(CrossesL.ofdesk)

Whatareyoutakingthisdownin?

HEDY

Longhand.It'ssafer.Imakeupforitwhenjtype.

FINCHOh,youtypefast?

HEDYLikeajackrabbit.Twelvewordsaminute.

FINCH

(Sits)Uh...bytheway,MissLaRue.Hedy...whatwasyourlastposition.?

HEDY

(Afterabeat)Iwasinthetobaccobusiness.ButthenMr.Biggley...

FINCH(Slamsdesk)

Mr.Biggley...

(Reacts,turnsfront.)HEDY

Hegotmeinterestedinwickets,soImatriculatedmyselfintobusinessschool,and,well,hereIam.

FINCHYes,youare,aren'tyou?

(Looksatbook.)HEDY

Goahead,dictatesomemore.I'mgoingtolikethisjazz.

FINCH(Closesbook)

Hedy,letthatletterwaitforamoment.

(Handsherafolder.)PleasetakethisintoMr.Gatch.

HEDY

(Rises)Mr.Catch.

­68­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHOhhuh.He'smyboss.MakesureyougiveittoMr.Catchhimself.

(ShestartsoffL.)Hedy

(Shestops.)...personally.

HEDYOkay,Charlie.

(SheexitsL.)#14–Hedy’sWalk(Orchestra)

Scene10

(PLANSANDSYSTEMSOFFICE.LIGHTuponGATCHseatedathisdesk.ThereisanotherchairattheR.behindwhichMISSKRLIMHOLTZisstanding.Doortotheofficeis.Phonerings.MISSKRUMHOLTZpicksupphone.)

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

(R.ofCATCH)

Hello,Mr.Catch'soffice.Onemoment,please.

(TurnstoCATCH.)Mr.Catch,Mr.Finch'ssecretaryisoutsideandshe'dliketoseeyoupersonally.

CATCH(Puzzled)Havehercomein.

MISSKRUMHOLTZ(Hangsup)

I'llgether.

(ShegoesC.HEDYenters,posesindoorway.)

HEDY(CATCHjumpstohisfeet)

Mr.Catch?

(CrossesL.todesk.)

CATCH(Startled)

Yes.?

­69­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

HEDY

I'mMr.Finch'ssecretary.Heaskedmetogiveyouthis.

(Shedropsfolderonthedesk.,startsoff.Herwholemannerisveryseductive.CATCHfollows,stopsher.)

CATCH

Say,whatareyoudoingtonight?

HEDYI'vegotadatewithmygentlemanfriend.

CATCH

(GrabsHEDY)Oh,comeon.You'reinthebigtimenow.Don'tfoolaroundwithsmallfry.#14a–OnwardandUpward(Orchestra)

(BLACKOUTPhoneRINGSinthedark.DIMUPimmediately.FINCHisseatedatGATCH'sdesk.He'ssittingbackinthechairasthoughhehashadthisjobforever.Thereisasmuglookonhisface,andaslightsmile.MISSKRUMHOLTZisonstage.)

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

(Pickingupphone)

Hello,Mr.Finch'soffice.Onemoment.

(Handshimphone.)It'sforyou.Production.

(ShegoesU.C.)

FINCH

(Intophone)Hello,Finchspeaking.Oh,yes.

(Rises.)I'mrunningPlansandSystemsnow.Huh?Mr.Catch?Oh,he'sbeentransferredtooneofouroutoftownoffices...Venezuela.#14b–Girlsville(Orchestra)

Scene11

(TRAVELER.AcorridorsomewhereintheWorldWideWicketBuilding.TherearetwofoliageunitsD.S.L.andR.BRATTandTACKABERRYenterR.JENKINSentersL.)

­70­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(StoppingJENKINSL.offC.)Say,JenkinsIwasjustgoingstocallyou.We'regettinganewvicepresidentinchargeofadvertising.

JENKINSAnotherone?Whoisitthistime?

BRATTAfellowbythenameofOvington.BenjaminBurtonDanielOvington.

JENKINS

(Thinking)B.B.D.O.

BRATTI'llbetthat'swhyBiggleyhiredhim.Anyway,we'regivinghimareceptiontonight.

TACKABERRY

(R.ofBRATT)IntheExecutiveClubontheroof.

JENKINSIwonderhowlongthisguy'lllast?

BRATTIdon'tknow,butwe'regivinghimthefulltreatment.Youcanaskyoursecretarytocome.We'reinvitingsomeoftheexecutivesecretariestoactashostesses.

JENKINSOkay,Bratt.

(JENKINSgoesR.BRATTandTACKABERRYgoL.)

BRATTB.B.D.O.

(TheyexitL.ROSEMARYentersR.SMITTYandGIRLcomeonfromL.)

SMITTY(StoppingROSEMARYL.ofC.GIRLexitsR.)

Rosemary,Ihadlunchwithoutyou.Wherehaveyoubeen?

ROSEMARYSmitty,I'vebeenmadesecretarytothenewadvertisingmanager.

SMITTYOhgood.What'shelike?

ROSEMARYOh,Idon'tcareabouthim,butthismeansthatI'minvitedtothereceptionthisevening,andPontywillbethere,too.Smitty,I'vebeendreamingofachancelikethis.Pontyhasneverseenmealldressedup...Youknow,glamorous.

­71­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ROSEMARY)(Holdsupbox.)

Doyouknowwhatthisis?

SMITTYYourlunch?

ROSEMARYSmitty,thisistheanswertoiwwtosucceedwithFinch.Anewdress.It'sjustbeautiful.

SMITTYIhopeitworks.Goodluck,Rosemary.

(Theyembrace.ShestartsR.)ROSEMARY

Thanks,Smitty.

SMITTY(R.ofC.)

Youknow,IthinkmaybeI'llgetanewdressfortonight,too.

ROSEMARYGoodidea.Ihopeyou'reverypopularattheparty,Smitty.

SMITTY

MaybeIwillbe,atthat.I'mthinkingofstartingasecretrumorthatI'manymphomaniac.

(SheexitsR.ROSEMARYlooksafterherthenlooksatthebox,hugsitandsings.)

#15–ParisOrigina(Rosemary,Smitty,MissJones,Girls)

ROSEMARY(Holdsupdressbox)

ISLIPPEDOUTTHISAFTERNOONANDBOUGHTSOMELOVEINSURANCE,

(Hugsdressbox.)

AMOSTEXCLUSIVEDRESSFROMGAYPAREE.IT'SSLEEKANDCHICANDMAGNIFIQUE,WITHSEXBEYONDENDURANCE.IT'SME!IT'SME!IT'SABSOLUTELYME!ANDWHY?ONEGUY!

(Holdsdressboxout.)

THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINALI'MWEARINGTONIGHT;I'MWEARINGTONIGHT'SPECIALLYFORHIM.

­72­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ROSEMARY)(CrossesItcrossesbackL.toC.)

THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL'SALLPAIDFORANDMINE.IMUSTLOOKDIVINE'SPECIALLYFORHIM.

(Kissesthebox.CrossesL.strummingdressboxlikeguitar.)

SUDDENLYHEWILLSEEME,ANDSUDDENLYHE'LLGODREAMY,ANDBLAMEITALLONHISOWNMASCULINEWHIM.NEVERKNOWINGTHAT…THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL,SOTEMPTINGLYTIGHT,I'MWEARINGTONIGHT'SPECIALLYFORHIM

(StartsoffL.)

FORHIMFORHIM.(SheexitsL.)

Scene12

(THEROOFTheMUSICcontinuesasweopenonaprettyterraceatcocktailtime.Therearetableswithbigumbrellasandassortedterracefurniture.Thepartyhasn'tstartedyet.ROSEMARYentersimmediatelyU.L.fromstairunit.Shehaschangedintohernewdress.SheisnowwearingherParisoriginal.ShecrossesD.C.andcontinuessinging.)

(ROSEMARY)

FORHIM,FORHIM.THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINALI'MWEARINGTONIGHT

(FirstGirlEntersR.WearingSameDress.)

SHE'SWEARINGTONIGHTANDICOULDSPIT!

(BOTHlookateachother.)

SOMEIRRESPONSIBLEDRESSMANUFACTURER(GIRLcrossesL.ofROSEMARY.)

JUSTDIDN'TPLAYFAIR.(Looksatgirl.)

I'MONEOFAPAIR

­73­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARYANDGIRLANDICOULD

(MISSKRUMHOLTZentersL.wearingsamedress.)

OH,NO!(CrossesR.)

MISSKRUMHOLTZTHISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL,ALLSLINKYWITHSIN...

(ANOTHERGIRLentersR.wearingsamedress,leansagainstportal.)

ALREADYSLUNKIN(GIRLexits,R.)

ANDICOULDDIE.(MISSKRUMHOLTZturns,crossesU.c.seesROSEMARYandFIRSTGIRL.)

ROSEMARYANDGIRLANDICOULDKILLHER.

ALLTHREEANDICOULD‐

(SMITTYentersR.wearingsamedress.)

SMITTYTHISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL,TRÉSSEXY,NEST‐CEPAS?

(LooksU.C.,seesTHREEGIRLS.)

GODDAMMIT‐VOILA!

ALLFOURANDICOULDSPIT!

(MoreGIRLSenterfromallsidesdressedalike.ALLGIRLScovertheireyesandcrossD.tofrontofstage,lookR.MISSJONESentersR.wearingsamedress.)

MISSJONES

Girls!ALL

OH!THIRTY‐NINEBUCKSIHANDOUTFORSOMETHINGTOMAKEMESTANDOUT,ANDSUDDENLYI'VEGONEINTOMIMEOGRAPH...

MISSJONES

SOMELAUGH!

­74­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ALLlineupacrossstage.)

ALL

THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL,THISMASS‐PRODUCEDCRIME,I'MWEARINGTONIGHTFORTHEVERYLASTTIME!

(Afternumber,GIRLSmillaroundstageR.MENenterfromU.L.,lookingaroundconfusedastheyseeallthegirlsdressedalike.HEDYentersD.L,posesbyportal.Sheiswearingthesamedress.MENcrossL.toherandwhistle.)

MEN

Whatadress!

GIRLS(Indisgust)

Oh!

(TheydriftU.S.BUDentersfrom,L.,stopsbyHEDY.)

BUDHedy,willyouhaveadrink?

HEDY (Dignified)Inevertouchanythingalcoholicbeforefivep.m.

BUD

(Lookingathiswatch)It'stenafterfive.

(MENcrossaway.)

HEDYWhichwayisthebooze?

BUDRightoverhere.

(TwoWAITERSpusharoilingbaronL.belowstairunit.)

HEDYI'llhaveadoubleMartini.

(SheandBUDgotobarU.L.ROSEMARYstartsoffR.FINCHentersfromD.R.,CrossestoROSEMARY,stoppingher.BIGGLEYentersfromU.L.fromstairwaywithOVINGTON,BRATTandTACKABERRY)

­75­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY(Onstairunit)

Hereheis,boysandgirls.

(CrossesD.C.TheysurroundOVINGTONshakehands,etc.OVINGTONcrossesD.R.ofBIGGLEYBRATTcrossestohisL.,followedbyTACKABERRY)

Youknowouradvertisingdepartmenthasbeenintroubleforalongtime.ButIthinkwenowhaveafellowwhoisgoingtohelpputWorldWideWicketsbackontop.Mr.BenjaminBurtonDanielOvington.

(ALLapplaud.)

OVINGTON(R.ofBIGGLEY)Thanks,boysandgirls.IjustwanttosaythatI'mproudtobejoiningtheWorldWideWicketfamily.Idon'tknowverymuchaboutwickets,butIdoknowaboutadvertising.Mytheoryofadvertisingcanbesummedupinonesentence:"Shoveitdowntheirthroatswithasoftsell."

BIGGLEYGoodsoundthinking.

OVINGTONAndI'dliketosaythat

HEDY

(CrossesD.L.frombar.BUDfollows)BenjaminBurtonDanielOvington.Whatthehellkindofnameisthat?

(BIGGLEYwhisperssomethingtoBRATT.BRATTcrossesL.toHEDY)

OVINGTONButI'dliketosaythat...

(BIGGLEYstopshim.)BRATT

Say,BudHEDY

(ToBRATT)

YoucallthisadoubleMartini?There'sonlyoneoliveinit.

OVINGTONI'dliketosay

(BIGGLEYstopshim.)BRATT

Bud,J.B.saysforyoutotakeMissLaRuehome.Shedoesn'tseentohefeelingwell.

HEDYI'mfeelingfine!

­76­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#16–TheCompanyWay(AlaDanceBand)(Orchestra)

BUDYoufeelterrible.

(Ashestartstotakeheroff,HEDYpullsfreecrossesR.toFINCH.)

HEDYHey,Finchy,let'sdance.

OVINGTONAnddliketosay

(BIGGLEYstopshimagain.)

FINCH

(GrabbingROSEMARY)I'malreadydancing,withRosemary.

(HeandROSEMARYdoafewsteps.)

BIGGLEYEverybody.dance!

(Turns,takesMISSJONEStohisL.,beginstodance.)

OVINCTONFurthermore,I'dliketo...

(GIRLgrabshimandtheystartdancing.GROUPstartstodance.BUDtriestotakeHEDYawayagain.Shekickshim.)

BUD

Ouch!

(HEDYdisappearsintogroupdancing,withBUDfollowing.)Comeon,Hedy.Nogames.

(Hecomesoutofcrowd,draggingSMITTYbythehand,crossingD.L.)ComeonHedy,J.B.wantsmetotakeyou...

SMITTYBud,youmusthaveheardtherumor!

(BUDseeshehasthewronggirl,groans,divesbackintodancinggroup,callingafterHEDY.)

#16a–TheExecutiveLanding(Orchestra)

Scene13

(ELEVATORLANDING.StageR.elevatordooropens.BUDandHEDYconicout.Doorclosesbehindthem.)

­77­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

HEDYWow!Thatelevatormademedizzy.

BUDComeonHedy.

(TheybothstartcrossingL.)

HEDYWhatIneedisashower.

BUDJ.B.wantsmetotakeyouhome.

(TriestotakeherstageR.)

HEDY

(Resisting,crossingL.withhim)

No.I'mgoingtoJ.B.'soffice.Hehasaprivateshower.I'lltakeashowerandthencomebacktotheparty.

(Startsdancestep.)BUD

Okay,Hedy,haveaniceshower.HEDY

Thanks,Bud.

(Pincheshischeck.)Youknow,you'recute.NotascuteasFinch,butyou'recute.

(SheexitsL.)

BUDNotascuteasFinch!

(Hestandstherethinkingforamoment.ManentersfromR.,crossestostageR.elevatordoor,Pushesupbutton.BUDcrossesR.toman.)

#17–ElevatorDance(Orchestra)

(BUD)

Goinguptotheparty,Pete?MAN

Yeah.BUD

WillyoutellMr.FinchIwanttoseehimdownhere.

(Elevatordooropens.)Tellhimit'simportant.

MANOkay.

­78­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(Elevatordoorcloses.BUD,leftalone,nowstartsadance.)

BUD(Humming)

Deciadadum,ladadedeOldsexyHedyisinthere,takingashower...

(Dances.)AndI'vegotalittlesomethingupmysleeve....Ole'!

(Dances.)That'sgoingtoputlittleoldFinchyrightoutonhis

(Kicksfloorwithheel.DanceisinterruptedbyelevatorstageR.dooropeningFINCHcomesout.)

Oh,hello.,Finch.

FINCHWhat'sthisallabout,Bud?

(CrossesL.toBUD.)BUD

J.B.wantsyoutogotohisoffice.He'llmeetyouthere.

FINCH(Puzzled)

ButIjustsawhim.Hedidn'tsayanything.

BUDIguesshedidn'twanttosayanythinginfrontofOvington.Youknowhowitgoesaroundherewithadvertisingmanagers.

FINCH(CrossesL.belowBUD)

Doyouthinkyouruncleisconsidering...

BUD

Idon'tknowanything.IonlyknowIwastoldtotellyoutogotohisoffice.

FINCH

Well,I'veneverseenhisoffice,anyway.Thanks,Bud.

(HegoesL.)BUD

You'rewelcomeNowtogetmyuncle.

(BUDgoesintoroutineconsistingofthefollowing:Ashecrosses,hesings.)Good‐bye,Finchy‐Hello,UncleJasper

(HebreaksintoawildsambaandleapsO.S.R)Ole'!

­79­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#17a–EtherealGrandeur(Orchestra)

Scene14

(J.B.BIGGLEY'sOFFICE.Avery,beautiful,lushoffice.Twosumsoneithersideofthelargecenterwindow.Deskandbighigh­backedchairC.ThereisalsoasmallanteroomD.L.withasecretary'sdeskvisibletotheaudience.Thereisadoorpane!toenterBIGGLEY'SofficeL.abovesecretary'sdesk.InthemainofficethereisadoorU.R.leadingtotheprivatebathandshowerOnrisenooneisonstage.FINCHentersD.L.,entersthroughanteroomdoor,walksintoBIGGLEY'office.Hehasneverbeeninherebeforeandhisattitudeshowsit.Helooksaroundinadmirationandawe.CrossesabovedeskR.Feelsthesofa,touchestheglassonthewindowC.,slideshishandoverthetopofthechair,swingschairaroundtofaceaudience.Thisiswhathewouldliketohavehimselfsomeday.Hesitsinchair.)

FINCH

(Addressingtheworldatlarge)

Someday,someday...

(BathroomdoorU.R.opensslowly.HEDYappears.FINCHdoesn'tseeher.Heissittinginthechairandlostinhisdreams.HEDYsneaksabovedesktoL.sideofthechair,putsherhandsoverhiseyes.)

HEDY

Guesswho?

FINCH

(Feelsbehindhim)Mr.Biggley?

HEDY

(Droppingherhands)No,it'sme!

FINCH

(Rises,turns,looksstartled)Oh,hi,Hedy.IwassupposedtomeetMr.Biggleyhere.

HEDYMr.Biggley?He'snotcoming.Somebodygaveyouaburnsteer.

FINCHIshouldhaveknownitwasarib.Well,I'dbetter

(StartsfordoorL.,butHEDYcrossesD.betweenhimandthedoor.)

HEDYWhat'syourhurry?

­80­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHIthinkI’dbetterbacktotheparty.

HEDYIt'smorefundownhere.

FINCHWell,IthinkI'dbetter.

HEDYYou'reanxioustogetbacktothatRosemary,huh?Areyoustuckonher?

FINCH (CrossestoC.)Rosemary?Oh,sheandIarejustgoodfriends.

HEDY

(CrossesIttohim)

That'sverysensible.Anup‐and‐comingyoungchaplikeyoushouldn'tbetieddown.I'vebeenwatchingyou,buster.

(Shesmackshiminthestomach.)

You'regoingplaces.

(CrossesL.twosteps.)

FINCHVenezuela.Look,Hedy...

HEDY

Wouldn'tJ.B.dieifhewalkedinandfoundyoukissingme?

FINCHFrankly,I'dratherhedidn't.

HEDYComeon,let'stryit.

FINCHUhuh.

HEDYYou'dbetter,FinchIfyoudon'tkissme,I'lltellJ.B.youdid.

FINCHOkay.JustOnce.

(FINCHsitsinchairCHWysitsinhislap,kisseshim.Afterkiss,harpglissandoisPlayed.FINCHthentriestorisebutcollapsesfromaftermathofkiss."Rosemary”themeisflowheardPlayedbyTrumpet.)

­81­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#18–Rosemary(Finch,Rosemary)

FINCH(Halfsinging)

ROSEMARY!

(Rises.)

HEDYHuh?

(OrchestraTrumpetplaysCMajortheme.)

FINCH(CrossesR.)

Can'tyouhearit? (Half­singing.)

ROSEMARY!HEDY

Rosemary?

FINCHThatkiss

HEDYWhataboutthatkiss?

FINCHRosemary!

HEDYItishighlyinsultingtothinkoftwobroadsinthemiddleofonekiss.

FINCHI'msorry,Hedy,butsomethinghappenedtome.Ican'texplain...

HEDY(Pointsathim)

Finch.Youareinlove.

(Loudcrescendoof"ROSEMARY"theme.)

FINCH(Takesfront,stunned)

That'sright!Finchisinlove!It'slikemusicallaroundme.Likeasymphony.Imusthavebeeninloveeversinceshetookmyparticulars.

HEDY

(CrossesR.tohim)Andyoufoundthisoutbykissingme?

­82­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHYes,Hedy.

HEDYIdon'tknowmyownstrength.

(ShegoesU.R.intobathroom.FINCHraiseshisarms,abouttoconductinvisableorchestra.Heindicatesdownbeat.)

FINCH

SUDDENLYTHEREISMUSICINTHESOUNDOFYOURNAME...

(Looksaround.)

ROSEMARY(CrossesR.)

ROSEMARY(CrossesD.R.)

WASTHEMELODYLOCKEDINSIDEME,TILLATLASTOUTITCAME…ROSEMARY!

(CrossesD.L.)

ROSEMARY,(CrossestoC.)

JUSTIMAGINEIFWEKISSED,WHATACRESCENDO

(Raiseshishandhigh,closeseyes,slowlydropshand.)

NOTTOBEMISSED.(Crossesit)

ASFORTHERESTOFMYLIFETIMEPROGRAM,GIVEMEMOREOFTHESAME

(Fallsandrollsonfloor.)

ROSEMARY.ROSEMARY,THEREISWONDERFULMUSICINTHEVERYSOUNDOFYOURNAME.

(StaysonfloorD.R.)

ROSEMARY

(EntersL.throughanteroomandcrossesR.toedgeofdesk)Ponty,IheardBudFrumptalkingattheparty.Whereisshe?

­83­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(Rises,crossesL.toher)Rosemary,somethingwonderfulhashappened.

ROSEMARY

Whatareyoutalkingabout?

FINCHCan'tyouhearit?Can'tyouhearit?

(Sings)

SUDDENLYTHEREISMUSICINTHESOUNDOFYOURNAME...

ROSEMARY

Ican'thearathing.FINCH

ROSEMARY...

(Spoken)Justlisten.It'sallaroundme,likeabeautifulpinksky...

ROSEMARY

(CrossesIttohim)Nowlookhere,J.PierrepontFinch,haveyoulostyourmind?

FINCH

Rosemary,darling,willyoumarryJ.PierrepontFinch?

ROSEMARY

NowIhearit!Ihearit!

(CrossesL.)Ihearit!Ihearit!

(Sings)

SUDDENLYTHEREISMUSICINTHESOUNDOFYOURNAME

(FINCHcrossesR.)

J.PIERREPONT.

(TheybothcrosstoeachotherC.)

FINCH

ROSEMARY,JUSTIMAGINEIFWEKISSEDWHATACRESCENDO...(Theykiss,holditwhilepianoconcertoisplayed.Atendofconcerto,theybreakkiss,remainholdinghands,turnfront.)

­84­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BOTH

NOTTOBEMISSED.

FINCH

ASFORTHERESTOFMYLIFETIMEPROGRAMGIVEMEMOREOFTHESAME

(TheybothcrossR.)

FINCH ROSEMARYROSEMARY. J.PIERREPONT,

J.PIERREPONT. (BOTHcrossL.ofC.)

ROSEMARY, J.PIERREPONT,

BOTHTHEREISWONDERFULMUSICINTHEVERYSOUNDOFYOURNAME.

(Aftersongtheyembrace.)

FINCH (R.ofROSEMARY)Ohhoney,I'vebeensowrappedupintryingtogetaheadthatInever...

(HEDYre­entersU.R.,wearingnothingbutabigtowel.ROSEMARYseesherbutFINCHdoesn't.ROSEMARYnowlooksverycarefullyatFINCHashetalks.)

...realized.It'sasthoughI'mseeingyouforthefirsttime.

ROSEMARY

(Coldly)AndI'mseeingyouforthefirsttime.Youhaveontwodifferentkindsoflipstick.Mine (PointstoHEDY)...andhers.

FINCH(CrossesR.toHEDY,startled)

Rosemary,thisisveryeasilyexplained.

(CrossesL.tobelowchair.)Youdon'tunderstand.

ROSEMARY(CrossesL.)

Yes,Ido.Well,don'tletmekeepyou.Goon.Gobacktomakinglovetoher.Kissheragain.Takeherhomefortheweekend.Idon'tcare!

(SheturnsandwalksoutL.)

­85­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

(TurnstoHEDY)

WhatwillIdo?

HEDYLet'sdowhatshesaid.

(ROSEMARYstopsinanteroomassheseessomethingoffstageL.)

ROSEMARYOhoh!

(Sheconiesrushingback,crossesbelowFINCHtoL.ofHEDY,addressesHEDY.)Getbackinthere.

HEDYIhavenothingtohide.

ROSEMARYYes,youhave,andkeepithidden.

(HEDYgoesthroughU.R.door.ROSEMARYcrossesD.toFINCH,looksathim.)Yousnake.Nowkissme.

(Shegrabshim.Theykissandholdit.BIGGLEYandBUDenterL.inanteroom.BUDgoesL.,lookingsatisfiedthathisplanhasbeenputintoaction.BIGGLEYentersoffice,crossesR.toFINCHandROSEMARY,stopsdeadasheseesROSEMARY,notHEDY,inclinchwithFINCH.)

BIGGLEY

OhI'msorry.Ithought

(Theyseparateandlookathim.)

FINCHUh

ROSEMARYOh,it'smyfault,Mr.Biggley.IinsistedthatMr.Finchshowmeyouroffice.

BIGGLEY(Recovering)

Isee.Well,actually,Ijustcameintowashup.

(HestartsU.abovedeskforbathroomU.R.AsBIGGLEYgoesabovedeskROSE­MARYSwiftlybeatshimtoit.FINCHcrossesL.ofdesktowatch.)

ROSEMARY

(Atbathroomdoor)

Excuseme.

(Slamsdoor.)

­86­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY

(Facescloseddoorinapuzzledmanner.Heturnsback,crossesD.toR.ofFINCH)Finch,Ioweyouanapology

FINCHYoudo?Forwhat?

BIGGLEY

Nevermind.However,IwantyoutoknowIstilldonotapproveofwhatyouweredoingwhenIwalkedin.Idonotcareforanythinglikethatbetweenexecutivesandtheirsecretaries.

FINCHButMissPilkingtonisnotmysecretary.

BIGGLEY

Oh,yes.Goodpoint.

(CrossesL.belowFINCH.,startingoff.FINCHcounterstoR.ofC.BRATTandOVINGTONenterfrornanteroomD.L)

BRATT

Wefiguredyoumightbehere,J.B.We'vebeenwaitingforyou.

OVINGTON

(CrossesD.L.ofBIGGLEY,)Ihaven'tfinishedmyspeechyet.

BIGGLEYYoumadeafinespeech.

FINCH

Yes,youdid,Mr.Ovington.Verygoodspeech.

(CrossesL.)

BRATTOvington,thisisMr.FinchofPlansandSystems.

FINCHHowdoyoudo,Mr.Ovington.

OVINGTONHowdoyoudo?

(HeandFINCHshakehands.)

FINCH

Ididn'tgetachancetotellyouattheparty,Mr.OvingtonbutI'mveryinterestedinadvertisingandI'vereadalotaboutyouinFortuneMagazine.Somewonderfulstuff.

OVINGTONThankyou.

­87­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHBytheway,Mr.Biggley,didyouknowthatMr.OvingtonwasanAll‐Americanhalfbackatcollege?

(CrossesR.)

BIGGLEYIsthatso?Wheredidyouplay,Ovington?

OVINGTON

Thegreatestlittlecollegeintheworld‐NorthernState.

BIGGLEY

(HeandFINCHexchangeglances)Achipmunk!

(CrossesIttoFINCH,butkeepslookingatOVINCTON.FINCHlooksfrontandsmiles.)

OVINGTONIsureamaChipmunk.DidyouseethewaywemurderedtheGroundhogslastSaturday?

BIGGLEYOvington,I'mnotabigot.I'vehiredmenfromallcolleges‐Tigers,Bulldogs,Trojans,Gophers,Badgers‐butnever,neveraChipmunk!

(BRATTcrossesR.toOVINGTON,takesoutapenandresignationformfrompocketandoffersittoOVINGTONtosign.)

Yourresignationisaccepted.

(OVINGTONsignsresignation.BIGGLEYandFINCHsing:)#19–RipTheChipmunk(Biggley,Finch)

BIGGLEY&FINCH

RIP!RRR‐RIP!RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNKOFFTHEFIELD.

(OVINGTONstartsoffL.,stops,turns.)

OVINGTON

CHIPMUNKRAH,CHIPMUNKRAH,CHIPCHIPCHIPCHIPCHIPMUNK!

(HeexitsL.throughanteroomandoff)

BIGGLEY(CrossesD.C.)Thatwasanarrowsqueak.

­88­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHItwasabigshocktome.

BIGGLEYFinch,it'sagoodthingyou'reontheballwhenitcomestoadvertising.

BRATT

(CrossesR.toBIGGLEY)Say,J.B.,whatarewegoingtodoforanewadvertisingmanager?

BIGGLEYFinch,maybeit'sFatethatyouhappentobehereatthisverymoment.

(CrossesR.toFINCH.)You'vealwayswantedthisrottenjob.Doyouthinkyoucouldhandleit?

FINCH

(CrossesR.twosteps)

Idon'tknow,sir.

BIGGLEY

(ToBRATT)Ifthere'sonethingIadmireina,man,it'shumility.

(BRATTlooksaway.ToFINCH.)Finch,I'mmakingyouvicepresidentinchargeofadvertising.

FINCH

Me?Avicepresident.?BRATT

J.B.,Idon'twanttoquestionyourdecision.Finchisverybright,buthe'sratherinexperiencedand...

BIGGLEYIlikehim.

BRATTIlikehim.

(Throwsuphandsinresignation.)

BIGGLEY

Ithinkwe'vehitonsomethinghere,Bratt.Thisboyisloadedwithgreatideas.

BRATTIdeas?Tellussomeofthem,Finch.

FINCH

Well,Ihaven'thadtimetofigurethem...

­89­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY(Quicklycuttingin)

Comeon,Finch.

(CrossesoneStepR.)Wherearethoseideas?

FINCHWell,sir,I...

BIGGLEYPutuporshutup,son.

FINCHWell,thethingis

BIGGLEY

Getontheballoryou'llbeoutofherelikeashot.

FINCHBut,sir,I'dliketobeabletogiveyouaclear‐cutcampaign

BRATT(CrossingIttoFINCH)

Say,J.B.,thePlansBoardismeetingdayaftertomorrow.Finchcantellusa!!hisideasthen.

BIGGLEYFine.Finch,you'vegotforty‐eighthourstomakeanadvertisingpresentation.

(StartsoffL.withBRATT,stopsandturnstoFINCH.)

Bettergetgoing,Finch.You'renowavicepresidentinfullchargeofadvertisingand,frankly,uptonowI'mprettydissatisfiedwithyourwork.

(HeandBRATTexitL.)FINCH

Idon'tcarewhathappens.I'mavicepresident.VicePresidentFinch.

(CrossesU.L.todesk,picksupphone.)

Hello,getmethestationeryshopdownstairs.Hello,thisisMr.Finch.RememberthosecardsIspoketoyouaboutlastweek?Goaheadandprintthemrightaway.

(Hangsup.)Nowlet'sseewhat.

(Suddenlyremembersgirls,calls.)Oh,girls,youcancomeoutnow.

(HEDYandROSEMARYcomeout.HEDYisnowbackinherParisoriginaldress.)

HEDYThanks,Rosemary.

(CrossesL.abovedesk,startingoff)

­90­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(CrossesFL)

Rosemary,I'vegotasurpriseforyou.I'vebeenmadeavicepresident.

HEDY(stops)

Congratulations.CanIbeyoursecretary?

FINCHGee,I'dlovethat,Hedy,butRosemaryisgoingtobemysecretary.

(ROSEMARYturnsherbacktoFINCH.)

HEDYI'llgobacktothestenopool.

(SitegoesL.,stopsinanteroom.)GuessI'llwaitforthatpigeontillafterhe'smarried.

(SheexitsofL.)FINCH

(CrossesFL,tapsROSEMARYonshoulder)

Rosemary?

ROSEMARY(Stillturnedaway)

I'mgoingtobeyoursecretary?

(Turnstohim.)FINCH

Sure.YouwereMr.Ovington'ssecretary...

(CrossesL.)...andnowI'mtakingoverhiswholedepartment.

ROSEMARY

(CrossesL.tohim)AndwhatmakesyouthinkI'dbeyoursecretary.I'dratherdie.

FINCHRosemary,youmust.Youhaveto.I'minchargeofadvertisingnow.Youknowwhatatoughjobthatis.IcanonlydoitifIhaveyourhelp.Rosemary,Ineedyou.

ROSEMARYYoudo?

(FINCHnodsyes.Shethinksforamoment.)Well,inthatcase...Allright,I'llbeyoursecretary.

­91­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHWonderful.Nowlet'sgettowork.

(StartsoffL.)

ROSEMARYJustlikethat?Haven'tyouforgottensomething?

FINCH

Oh,yeah.

(Stops,crossesbacktodesk,picksUpphone.)Hello,operator.Whopaintsnamesonofficedoors?

ROSEMARYFinch,aren'tyougoingtokissme?

FINCHKissYou?Ican't.

ROSEMARYWhynot?

FINCHYou'remysecretary.Waitaminute,Rosemary.

(Intophone.)Hello,namepainter?#20–FinaleActOne(Rosemary,Finch,Bud)

(ROSEMARYturnsfront.)

ROSEMARY"Waitaminute,Rosemary.Hello,namepainter?"

(BUDentersD.L.,opensdoorandsticksheadintoofficetoeavesdrop.)

FINCHThisisMr.Finch.Iwantmynameonmydooringoldleaf.

BUDOh!

(Collapses,holdingontodoor)

FINCHJ.PIERREPONTFINCHJ.PIERREPONT!

ROSEMARYSUDDENLYTHEREISMUSIC

FINCHALLCAPITALS!

­92­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARY

INTHESOUNDOFMYNAME…

FINCH

YES,BLOCKLETTERS!JAYPIERREPONT!

FINCH ROSEMARY BUD

ROSEMARY (BydoorD.L.)

(CrossesR.)

VICEPRESIDENT VICEPRESIDENT!INCHARGEOF THEREMUSTBEA

WAYADVERTISING ROSEMARY… TOSTOPHIM,F‐I‐N‐C‐H. THEREMUSTBE!

THEREMUST! ALLOFMYLIFETIME PROGRAMWILLBE THEUSUALSPELLING… MOREOFTHESAME. JAYPIERREPONT… JAYPIERREPONT JAYPIERREPONT (Hangsupphone.) REMEMBERME, (CrossesU.R.) ROSEMARY… ICAN'TSTANDIT.

BOY,WHENYOU WHATEVERSEEITONYOUR HAPPENEDTO (Sits.)(Rises.)

OWNDOOR ROSEMARY?THEREIS THEREIS

(CrossesD.R.)

WONDERFULMUSIC WONDERFULMUSICINTHEVERY INTHEVERY IWILLRETURN!SOUNDOFYOURNAME. SOUNDOFYOURNAME. IWILLRETURN!

ENDOFACTONE

­93­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#21–Entr’acte(Orchestra)

ACTTWOSceneI#22–OpeningAct2(Orchestra)

(THEOUTEROFFICE.AlloftheOFFICEGIRLS,izcltit1iiigSMITTY,aresittingaround,gossiping.BUDFRUMPisstandingL.ofC.belowrowofdesks,crossesR.toTACKABERRY)'whoisstandingR.ofC.withTOYNBEE.Hewhisperssomethingtothem,theyexitR.BRATTenters(J.R.fromtheexecutivesuite,crossesDR.ofC.BUDturns,crossesL.tohimandwhisperssomethingtohim.BRATTcrossesL.andsits.JENKINSentersL.,BUDcrossestohimstoppinghimL.ofC.andwhisperstohim.TheGIRLSU.S.havebeenobservingtheabovebusiness.SMITTY,C.,crossesR.toMISSKRUMHOLTZ.TheybothcrossD.,observingFrumpandJenkinsstageR.)

SMITTYThere'ssurealotofwhisperinggoingontoday.

MISSKRUMHOLTZIt'stheMerchandiseMafiaatwork.

(BUDandJENKINSexitL.)EversinceFinchbecameavicepresident,they'veallbeenscaredoutoftheirwits.When'sthebigmeeting.?

SMITTYIt'ssetforthisafternoon.IhopePontycomesupwithsomething.

(ROSEMARYentersU.R.fromtheexecutivesuite.Sheisdressedfordeparture:hat,bag,etc.SMITTYcrossestoher.MISSKRUMHOLTZcrossesU.tothegirlsatthedesks.)

Whereareyougoing?

ROSEMARY(C.)

Home.

SMITTYAtteno'clockinthemorning?

ROSEMARYI'veresigned.I'mquitting.

SMITTYNonsense.You'vebeenthreateningthatallweek.

ROSEMARYThistimeit'sofficial.

(CrossesR.)Ileftaletterofresignationonhisdesk.Waittillhereadsit.

­94­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SMITTY(CrossesR.)

But,uh

ROSEMARYSmitty,Ijustcan'ttakeitanymore.Idon'tmindapersonignoringmecompletelyaslongashepaysalittleattention.

(CrossesR.)Smitty,hedoesn'tneedme.

SMITTY

(CrossesR.)Hedidtellyouhelovedyouandthathewantedtomarryyou.

(THREEGIRLSdriftdowntoheartheconversation.)

ROSEMARYSssshh,Smitty,thatwassupposedtobeasecret.

SMITTYOh,don'tworry.Ihaven'ttoldanybody.

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

(L.ofSMITTY)What'sthematter?

SMITTYRosemaryisresigningfromFinch.

FIRSTGIRL

(L.ofMISSKRUMHOLTZ)ButIthoughthewasgoingtomarryher.

SECONDGIRL(L.ofFIRSTGIRL)

That'swhatIthought.

MISSKRUMHOLTZMe,too.

(SMITTYcrossesL.,tryingtoshushtheGIRLSasROSEMARYcrossesL.toSMJTTY,looksatheraccusingly.)

SMITTY

(Apologetically)Ionlytoldthegirls.

(ToGIRLS.)Don'tworry.Shewillforgivehim.

­95­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARYNever!

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

(TakesROSEMARYU.S.toseconddeskfromC.)

SMITTY

(CrossesU.toL.ofROSEMARY)Look,Rosemary,there'sonethingyoucan'toverlook‐that'sloyalty.

ROSEMARYI'vebeenveryloyaltohim.

SMITTYIdon'tmeantohim.Imeantous...usgirls.

GIRLSThat'sright.Sure.Uhhuh.Etc.#23–Cinderella,Darling(Smitty,Rosemary,Girls)

SMITTYHOWOFTENDOESITHAPPENTHATASECRETARY'SBOSSWANTSTOMARRY'ER?

GIRLS

HALLELUJAH!SMITTY

HOWOFTENDOESTHEDREAMCOMETRUE

WITHOUTASIGNOFCONFLICTORBARRIER?

GIRLS

HALLELUJAH!

SMITTYWHYTREATAMANLIKEHEWASATYPHOIDCARRIER?HOWOFTENCANYOUFLYFROMTHJLANDOFCARBONPAPER

(FOURGIRLScrossD.L.)

TOTHELANDOFFLOWER'DCHINTZ?

GIRLSHALLELUJAH!

SMITTY

HOWOFTENDOESACINDERELLAGETACRACKATTHEPRINCE?

­96­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

GIRLS

CINDERELLAANDTHEPRINCE!

ROSEMARY

Cinderella?Wait,aminute.I'mnoCinderella.I'vegoteighty‐fivedollarsinthebankandasavingsbond.

SMITTY

It'notamatterofmoney.He'savicepresident.Thatmakeshimautomaticallyaprince.True?

GIRLSTrue?

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

So,you'reautomaticallyaCinderella.

AGIRLSee?

(ShoveswastepaperbasketonROSEMARY'sfootasaglassslipper.)

SMITTYDon'tyourealize...

(Sings)YOU'REAREAL,LIVEFAIRYTALE;ASYMBOLDIVINE.SO,IFNOTFORYOUROWNSAKE,PLEASE,DARLING,FORMINE.

GIRLSANDMINE,ANDMINE,ANDMINE.DON'T,DON'T,DON'T,CINDERELLA,DARLING,DON'TTURNDOWNTHEPRINCE!

SMITTY

DON'TREWRITEYOURSTORY;

(CrossesD.L.)

YOU'RETHELEGEND,THEFOLKLORE,THEWORKINGGIRL'SDREAMOFGLORY!

(ROSEMARYcrossesD.C.GIRLSgatheraround.) ALLWEWERERAISEDONYOU,DARLING,

ANDWE'VELOVEDYOUEVERSINCE.(Theybackaway.)

­97­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ALLDON'TMESSUPAMAJORMIRACLE,

DON'T,CINDERELLA,(TheyallcrosstoROSEMARY)

DON'TTURNDOWNTHEPRINCF.(GIRLtakeswastebasketoffherfoot.)

SMITTYOH,LETUSLIVEITWITHYOUEACHHOUROFEACHDAY.

FIRSTGIRL

ONFROMBERGDORFGOODMAN...

SECONDGIRL

TOELIZABETHARDEN

THIRDGIRLINTHESTATIONWAGON...

FOURTHGIRL

HURRYFROMTWENTY‐ONE...

FIFTHGIRLTOTHETARRYTOWNP.T.A.

ROSEMARY

No.NewRochelle!

GIRLSNEWROCHELLEP.T.A.,PLEASE!

SMITTYOH,DONOTLEAVEUSMINUS,

GIRLS

PLEASE!

SMITTYOURVICARIOUSBONUS,

GIRLS

PLEASE!

(DANCERtakesboxoftissuesfromdesk,crossesD.andplacesatissueonROSEMARY'Shead.ANOTHERDANCER.foldspieceofpaperasflowerbouquet,handsittoROSEMARY)

SMITTYWEWANTTOSEEHISHIGHNESS

GIRLS

PLEASE!

­98­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SMITTYMARRIEDTOYOURLOWNESS.

(ALLkneel)

GIRLS

AH

SMITTY

ONYOU,CINDERELLA,SITSTHEONUS,

GIRLSAH

SMITTY

SOWHENYOUNAMETHEHAPPYDAY,PLEASEPHONEUS,

(Theyrise.)

ALLPHONEUS!BUTDON'T,DON'T,DON'T,CINDERELLA,DARLING,DON'TTURNDOWNTHEPRINCE.

(CrossU.L)

SMITTYWHYSPOILOURENJOYMENT;YOU'RETHEFABLE,THESYMBOLOFGLORIFIEDUNEMPLOYMENT!

(TheylineuponeithersideofROSEMARY.)

ALLWEWERERAISEDONYOU,DARLING,

(ALLcloseinandhugher.)

ANDWE'VELOVEDYOUEVERSINCE.DON'TLOUSEUPOURFAV'RITEFAIRYTALE;DON'T,CINDERELLA,

(ALLbackaway.)DON'T,DON'T,DON'T;DON'T,CINDERELLA,DON'T,DON'T,DON'T;DON'T,.CINDERELLA,DON'T!DON'TTURNDOWNTHEPRINCE!

ROSEMARY

AllrightI'llgivehimonemorechance.

­99­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ALLHALLELUJAH!

Scene2

(FINCH'SNEWADVERTISINGOFFICE.OnriseanoverhangingspeciallightpicksFINCHupathisdesk.FINCHisreadingthebook.)

BOOKVOICE

Soyouarenowavicepresident.Youhaveclimbedtheladderofsuccessrung,bypainfulrung,untilyouhavealmostreachedthetop.Youhavedonebeautifully.Unlessyouarevicepresidentinchargeofadvertising.Inthatcaseyouareinterribletrouble.Thereisonlyonethingthatcansaveyou.Youmustgetabrilliantidea.Thequickestwaytogetideasistodevelopthem.Thatis,youmustexaminetheundeveloped,worthlessnotionsofothersandaddtothemthatextrasomethingthatmakestheideayourown.Anundevelopednotionmaycomefromtheleastlikelysource.Bealert!Youneverknowwhowillbringittoyou.

(BUDentersL.)

BUDHi,Ponty.

FINCHHello,Bud.

(Rises.)BUD

SorryIbustedin,buttherewasnooneoutside.

(Lookingaround,crossesittoFINCH'Sdesk.)FirsttimeI'veseenyournewoffice.

(PeeksatwhatisonPINCH'Sdesk.FINCHquicklyturnsoverpapers.)Quitealayout.Myfavorite.style‐ChineseProvincial.

(CrossesL.,Sits.)Isupposeyou'rewonderingwhyI'mhere.

FINCH

(CrossesD.R.ofdesk)Frankly,yes.

BUD (Rises,crossesit)Ponty,Iwantyouandmetobefriends.Youknow,smokumpeacepipe.You'veneverlikedme.

FINCH(CrossesL.towardsBUD)

Oh,Bud…

­100­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUDDon'tdenyit.Itstrue,andIdon'tblameyou.I'vebeenano‐goodback‐bitingfink.

FINCH

Oh,Bud,that'sabitstrong.BUD

Howwouldyouputit?

FINCHIguessyourwayisbest.

BUDWellI'dliketochangeallthat.

(CrossesittoFINCH.)NowIknowyou'restuckforanidea,andIwasthinking...

FINCH

Nowwaitaminute,Bud.Iamnotstuck.BUD

(Goingon)Iwasthinkingthatgive‐awayshowsaregoingtocomebackand...

FINCH

Idon'tneedanyoneelse'sideasand...

(Suddentake.)Whatwasthat?

BUD (Verycasual)Well,Ihavethisideaforagive‐awayprogram.It'scalledtheWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.Wehideathousanddollarsavingsbondsomewhereandeveryweekontelevisionwegivecluesastowhereitis.

(PutsscriptintoFINCH'Shands.)Look,asyousay,youdon'tneedanidea,butletmeleavethiswithyouandifyougetachance,lookitover.Becausethemeeting'sinafewlittlewhile.Imeanit'ssoon.

(Drawsfingeracrossthroat.StartsoffL.)

FINCHUh,Bud

(BUDstops.)

Whatdidyourunclesaywhenyoutoldhimaboutthis?

BUD

Ihaven'ttoldittohim,Ponty.IfIbroughtittohim,hewouldn'tlisten.That'sIbroughtittoyou.

­101­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

Youhaven'ttoldittoyouruncle?BUD

No,Ponty.

(CrossesR.toFINCH,reachesformanuscript.)Look.if you’renotinterested…

FINCH(Keepingscript)

Well,Bud,theideadoesn'tgivememuchnourishmentbutmaybeI'llgiveitabitofathink‐think.

BUDFeelfreetouseit.

(HestartsL.,stopsandsings.)#24–IHaveReturned(Bud)

(BUD)

IHAVERETURNED. (HegoesL.)

FINCH

(Leftalone,looksatmanuscriptcarefully,crossesabovedesk)Treasurehunt.Couldbe.Athousanddollarbond.Thisthingneedssomekindofanewtwist.(ROSEMARYentersL.)

ROSEMARY

Ponty,I'mback.Ichangedmymind.

(CrossesR.toR.ofC.)

FINCH(Stilllostinthought)

Oh,MissPilkington.

ROSEMARY

(CrossesR.todesk)Idon'tblameyouforbeingcoldtome.ButIdidchangemymind.

FINCH(Crossesbackabovedesk,stillpreoccupiedwithmanuscript)

Aboutwhat?

­102­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARY

AboutwhatIsaidintheletter.

FINCHWhatletter?

ROSEMARYMyletterofresignation.

FINCHYourresignationfromwhat?

ROSEMARYTheGirlScoutsofAmerica.

FINCHOh.

ROSEMARYDon'tyouunderstand?

(Shepicksupletterofresignationfromdesk,showsittohimslamsitdown,thencrossesL.bysettee.)

I'vequit,resigned,leftyouforever!

FINCHWhyareyoudoingthat?

ROSEMARY(Yelling)

BecauseIwas.hurt,humiliated,ignored,upset!

FINCH(Startled)

Whodidthattoyou?

ROSEMARYYou.

FINCH

Me.Itcouldn'thavebeenme.Ihaven'tsaidtenwordstoyouallweek.

(ROSEMARYstaresathim.)True?

ROSEMARYTrue.(Shesitsonsettee.)

FINCHGood.Nowlisten,MissPilkington.

ROSEMARYMustyoucallmethat?Can'tyoucallmeRosemary?

­103­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHNo.AndIwantyoutocallmeMr.Finch,untilyou'reMrs.Finch.

ROSEMARY(Dreamysmile)

AmIreallygoingtobe.Mrs.Finch?

FINCH(CrossesL.belowdesktohe,)

Oh,comeon.Ithoughtthatwasallsettled.

ROSEMARYIkeepthinkingmaybeyouforgot.

FINCHWell,Ihaven't.You'regoingtobeMrs.Finchbecausewe'regoingtobemarried.Now,maywediscusssomeseriousmatters?

ROSEMARYOh,sure.

FINCHMissPilkington,IhavesomethingIwantyoutohear.

(Crossesitabovedesk.)Ihavefinallycomeupwithanewideaforatelevisionprogram.I'mthinkingofcallingittheWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.

(CrossestoC.)Theprizewouldbeathousanddollarbond.Doyouthinkthat'senough?

(ROSEMARYlooksathimraptly,doesn'tanswer.FINCHcrossesL.toher.)Maybeweoughttomakethattwenty‐fivethousanddollars.Listencarefully,Rosemary.

(CrossestoC.)Whatwouldyousayifwegaveawayahundredthousanddollars?

(Shedoesn'tanswer.Hecrossestoheratsettee.)Twohundredthousand?

ROSEMARYIdon'tcareifyougiveawaythewholecompany.Iloveyou.

FINCH(Staresather,thenlooksfrontwithahappysmileonhisfaces)Saythatagain.

ROSEMARYIloveyou.

­104­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

No,beforethat.

ROSEMARY(Puzzled)

IsaidIdon'tcareifyougiveawaythewholecompany.

FINCH

(CrossesR.)That'sit!We'llgiveawaythecompany.Whataprize!Oh,Idon'tmeanthewholecompany.

(CrossesR.belowdesk.)Imeanstock.Inthecompany.Nobodycouldresistthatthesedays.I'vegottohavetimetoworkthisout.I'vegottospeaktoMr.Biggley.

(Hepicksupphone.ROSEMARYrises,crossestohim.)He'sgottogivemeapostponement.

(Hangsup.)No,I'llgoseehim.

ROSEMARY

Goodluck,Mr.Finch.

FINCH

Thankyou,MissPilkington.

(HestartsoffL.)

ROSEMARY

Say

(Hestopsandlooksather.)Whatabouttakingmetolunch?Nobodyhastoseeus.

FINCH(Reprovingly)

MissPilkington.

ROSEMARY(Withasmile)

I'msorryMr.Finch.

­105­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#25–HappytoKeepHisDinnerWarm(Reprise)(Rosemary)

(HeexitsL.)

ROSEMARY

OH,TOBELOVEDBYAMANWITHAGOAL,TOWATCHASHECLIMBSWITHAPURPOSEINLIFEANDPURITYOFSOUL.OH,TOBETHEREINACORNEROFHISMIND;DARLING,ABSENTMIND...SUCHHEAVEN

(CrossesL.tosettee.)

WEARINGTHEWIFELYUNIFORMWHILEHEGOESONWARDANDUPWARD.

(Sitsonsettee.)HAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARMTILLHECOMESWEARILYHOMEFROMDOWNTOWN.

(Ridesoffonsettee.)

#25a–Knitorama(Orchestra)

Scene3

(BIGGLEY'SOFFICE.BIGGLEYissittingatdesk,knitting.HEDYentersfromL.,headsfordoortoinneroffice.Shegoesin,goestoBIGGLEY,staresatFilmsandattheknitting.)

HEDY

(L.ofBIGGLEY)

Areyoupregnantorsomething?

BIGGLEY

(Startled,dropsknitting,rises)Huh?Oh,Iwasjustub...uh...checkingonsomenewplasticyarn...Hedy,Itoldyouneverto...

(BUDhaswalkedinbehindHEDY.BIGGLEYsuddenlyseeshim.)Whatthehelldoyouwant?

(HEDYcrossesU.S.toC.,looksoutwindow.)

BUD

J.B.,yourememberthattelevisionideaIoncetoldyouabout...thetreasurehunt?

­106­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY(CrossesL.toBUD)

ItoldyouwhatIthoughtofthattreasurehunt.

BUD

Ijustwantedtoremindyouthatyoudidn'tlikeit.

(HeexitsL.BIGGLEYopensdoor,looksaround.1­IEDYcrossesD.R.,waitingimpatiently.BIGGLEYclosesdoor,crossesDR.belowdesktoHEDY.)

BIGGLEY

Darling,I'vetoldyouthatduringofficehoursIcan'tmeetwithyou.

HEDY

Ididnotintendtoembarrassyou.Ijustcameforabusinesspurpose.

BIGGLEY

Business?HEDY

Iwishtotenderyouwithmyresignation.

BIGGLEYYourresignation?Whatareyougoingtodo?

HEDY

I'monmywaytoLosAngeles.I'vebeenofferedaverysuitablepositionthere.

BIGGLEYLosAngeles?Hedy,youcan't.Tellmewhatthisisallabout.

HEDYIjustgotaletterfromagirlfriend.She'sworkingforabigcosmeticfirmoutthere.Shedemonstratesskincreams

BIGGLEY(Horrified)

Skincream

HEDYYes.Inallthosebigglamorousdepartmentstores.Andshecangetmeajob.

BIGGLEYThat'sundignified.Youcan'trunarounddemonstratingsomefakegoo.

HEDY(Indignant)

Itisnotafake.It'saveryfineskincreamcalledDermoblast.Doyouknowwhatit'smadefrom?

BIGGLEYPlease,don'ttellme.

HEDYIt'smadefromsharkbellyjelly.

­107­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEYIwasafraidofthat.Yousaidyouwantedacareer.Whatkindofafutureisthereinsharkbellies?

HEDYMorethanthereisaroundhere.Notasingleguyaroundherewillusemeashissecretary.

(CrossesR.)TheystayawayfrommelikeIhadanextremelytropicaldisease.

BIGGLEYHedy,ifyoucouldjustbepatient.

HEDYNo.I'vemadeupmymind.Bonvoyage.

(ShestartsOffL.)

BIGGLEYWell,goodluck,dear.

(SitsinchairC.)

HEDY

(Stops,turns)Huh?

BIGGLEYI'llmanagesomehow.OnlyhowwillIspendthoselonelynights?

HEDYYoucouldstayhome.

BIGGLEYIcan'tstayhome.I'mamarriedman

HEDYOh,you'lldoallright.

BIGGLEYHedy,Ican'tlivewithoutyou.

HEDY

(CrossesR.toBIGGLEY)Youmeanthat?

BIGGLEY

(Rises,crossesD.C.)OfcourseIdo.IknowIseemtohaveeverything.OldrichJ.B.Biggley.OldMoneybags.Peoplecometomewithtreasurehunts.Mydayisspenttalkingmoney.Andwhatdoesitallmean?Nothing.Hedy,nothingmeansanythingwithoutyou.

­108­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#26–LoveFromAHeartOfGold(Biggley,Hedy)

HEDY

(CrossesD.C.tohisL.)Nowwaitaminute.Don'tstartgettingsincere.That'snotfair.

BIGGLEYWHEREWILLIFINDATREASURELIKETHELOVEFROMAHEARTOFGOLD;

(ReachesoverandholdsHEDY'Shand.)

EVERTRUSTINGANDSWEET,ANDAWAITINGMYPLEASURE;(Letsgoofherhand.)

RAINORSHINE…HOTORCOLD…WEALTHFARBEYONDALLMEASURE,MAYBEHEREINMYHANDSIHOLD.

(HEDYturnsU.S.,takesouthandkerchief)

AH,BUTWHEREWILLIFINDTHATONETREASUREOFTREASURES,THELOVEFROMAHEARTOFGOLD.

HEDY(Sheturnstohim)Ineverknewyoufeltthatway.

BIGGLEYNooneknowsthis,butI'mextremelyemotional.

HEDYGoddammit,soamI.

WHEREWILLIFINDATREASURELIKETHELOVEFROMAHEARTOFGOLD;EVERTRUSTINGANDSWEETANDAWAITINGMYPLEASURE;RAINORSHINE

BIGGLEY

RAINORSHINEHEDY

HOTORCOLD BIGGLEY

HOTORCOLD HEDY

WEALTHFARBEYONDALLMEASURE,MAYBESOONINMYHANDSI'LLHOLD.

­109­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(HEDY)

AH,BUTWHEREIFINDTHATONETREASUREOFTREASURES,

(BIGGLEYpince‐nezdropsoff)

BOTHTHELOVEFROMAHEARTOFGOLD.

BIGGLEY

(Headtohead)Iknewyou'dunderstand.

HEDY

Oh,Ido,Ido.Youknow,Ihaveanideathatmightsolveeverything.

BIGGLEYWhat?

HEDYWhydon'tIbeyoursecretary?

BIGGLEY

You'reoutofyourmind.Imean,IhaveMissJones.

(CrossesL.,sitsdown.ShefollowsuptohisL.)

HEDY

IcouldassistMissJones.Icouldlearnalotfromher.

BIGGLEYHmnmmmmm.

HEDY

(WalkingquicklytodoorL.andopeningit)Youdon'twantmeasyoursecretary.

(FINCHentersstageL.Hestopsbelowdoorandhearsthatsomethingprivateisgoingon.)

BIGGLEY(Rises,stopsher)

Wait,Hedyjustbepatient.

HEDY(Verysweetly)

Allright,dear.I'llbepatient.

(Changestone.)I'llgiveyoutwenty‐fourhours.Afterthatit'sgoodbyeWickets,Hello,Dermoblast.

(Exitsthroughdoor.)

BIGGLEYBut,Hedy.

­110­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(Heslumpsinhischair,turnsitU.S.TRAVELERCLOSES.HEDYcrossesD.andseesFINCH,whohascrossedL.ofC.)

HEDYHi,Finchy.

(CrossesR.tohim.)Ishouldbeveryangrywithyou,Cutie‐Pie.

(Pincheshischeek)FINCH

Hello,Hedy.Where'sMissJones?IwantedtoseeMr.Biggley.

HEDYHe'snotdoinganything.Youcangoin.

(StartsoffR,crossingbelowFINCH.)

FINCHSay,Hedy

(Shestops.)Areyouquitting?

HEDYUnlessIhearotherwisetothecontrary.

FINCH(CrossestoHEDY)

Maybewecanhelpeachother.

HEDYGood.Let'sbustouttogether.

FINCHI'vegotadifferentidea.Hedy,I'dliketotalktoyoualone.Let'ssee,wherecouldwego?

HEDYLet'sgotomyplace.

FINCHThisisbusiness.

HEDYOkay,thenlet'sgotoyourplace.

FINCHUh….

HEDY

Tellyouwhat,takemeoutandbuymelunch.Whataboutoneo'clock?Meetyoudownstairs.

FINCHWell.I

HEDYDoyouwanttotalkordon'tyou?

­111­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(Afterapause)

Okay.Butwe'dbettermeetaroundthecorner.

HEDY(StartsoffL.)

Gotcha,cutie!Chicken...!

(SheexitsL.asFINCHstartsforBIGGLEY'officecool')#26a–TheLunchDate(Orchestra)

Scene4

(MEN'SWASHROOMOFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANYThereisarowofninesinksD.S.andfrarnesrepresentingmirrors.BRATT,atthirdsinkfromL.,andDAVIS,atthirdsinkfromR.,arewashingtheirhandsatsinks.PhoneU.S.L.wallRINGStwice.BRATTshakeswateroffhishands,goestophone,picksitup.)

BRATT

(Atphone)

Hello,executivewashroom.Yeah,I'mdownhere.What?Themeeting'satfour‐thirty.Comeondown.We'llmakeplans.

(Hangsup,goesbacktosink.TOYNBEEentersL.)

TOYNBEEBigmeeting'stoday,huh?

(CrossesU.andhangscoatonhookU.S.)

BRATT (Lookingatwatch)Yeah. (TACKABERRYentersL.,crossesR.JENKINSfollowshimon,crossestolastsinkL.)

TACKABERRY

HearanythingaboutwhatFinchisplanning?

(CrossesU.andhangscoatonhookU.S.)

BRATTJ.B.gavehimapostponement,SOhemusthavesomething.YOUknow,fellows,I'mreallybeginningtogetalittlescaredofFinch.

JENKINSMe,too.Ifwedon'tstophimprettysoon…

(Shakeshishead.)

­112­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT

He'llprobablyhaveusallworkinginthemailroom.

(BUDentersL.)

BUDHi,men.

(CrossesittoC.OTHERMENgreethim.)

TACKABERRYHearanything,Bud?

BUDChaps,ourworriesareover.Finchisgoingaheadwith...well,believeme,he'sdead‐dead‐dead.AndI'msohappyIcouldcry.

TACKABERRYThat'sverypleasantnews.

BRATTIdon'tknow.Finchhasawayofbouncing.Iwouldn'tbelievehewasdeadifIreadhisobituary.

BUD

(CrossesL.toBRATT)OrdinarilyI'dagreewithyou.Finchisverysmart.Butdon'tforgethe'snowinadvertising.Andthatdoessomethingtomen'sbrains.

(Suddenlystops,looksoffstageL.)Ohoh.

(CrossesR.tosecondsink,speakscasually.)HasanybodyseenmyWildrootCreamOil?

(FINCHentersL.,crossestoC.sink.MENhaveresumedwashing.)

FINCHHiyah,men.

BRATTAllsetforthebigmeeting?(BUDcrossesU.R.andhangsuphiscoat.JENKINScrossesU.L.andhangsuphiscoat.Theycrossbacktotheirrespectivesinks.)

FINCHCouldbe,couldbe,Wishmeluck,men.

ALLGoodluck.

­113­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#27–IBelieveinYou(Finch,Men)

MENGOTTASTOPTHATMAN,IGOTTASTOPTHATMANCOLD…ORHE'LLSTOPME.

(ALLsmileatFINCH.FINCHcrossesU.andhangshiscoatonhookU.C.)

BIGDEAL,BIGROCKET, THINKSHEHASTHEWORLDINHISPOCKET.

GOTTASTOP,GOTTASTOP,GOTTASTOPTHATMAN,THATMAN.(AllMENfadeU.S.FINCHcrossesD.toC.sink,looksathimselfinthemirrorfacingtheaudience.)

FINCHNOW,THEREYOUARE,YES,THERE'STHATFACE;THATFACETHATSOMEHOWITRUST.ITMAYEMBARRASSYOUTOHEARMESAYIT,BUTSAYITIMUST,SAYITIMUST!YOUHAVETHECOOLCLEAREYESOFASEEKEROFWISDOMANDTRUTH;YETTHERE'STHATUPTURNEDCHIN,ANDTHEGRINOFIMPETUOUSYOUTH.OH,IBELIEVEINYOU,IBELIEVEINYOU.

(CrossesL.)

IHEARTHESOUNDOFGOOD,SOLID(Picksupbarofsoap.)

JUDGMENTWHENEVERYOUTALK;YET,THERE'STHEBOLD,BRAVESPRINGOFTHETIGERTHATQUICKENSYOURWALK.

(CrossesIttoC.sink.)

OH,IBELIEVEINYOU,IBELIEVEINYOU.(Washeshands.)

ANDWHENMYFAITHINMYFELLOWMANALLBUTFALLSAPART;I'VEBUTTOFEELYOURHANDGRASPINGMINE,ANDITAKEHEART,ITAKEHEART…TOSEETHECOOLCLEAREYESOFA

(CrossesL.,picksuptowelfromlastsink.)

SEEKEROFWISDOMANDTRUTH;

­114­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(FINCH)(CrossesR.toC.sink.)

YET,WITHTHESLAM,BANG,TANGREMINISCENTOFGINANDVERMOUTH,OH,IBELIEVEINYOU,OH,IBELIEVEINYOU.

MEN(PuttingoncoatsU.S.)

GOTTASTOPTHATMAN,(MENcrossD.tosinks.)

GOTTASTOPTHATMAN(MENholdandfreezeforabeat.FINCHpicksupelectricrazorandbeginstoshave.)

ORHE'LLSTOPME.BIGWHEEL,BIGBEAVER,BOILINGHOTWITHFRONTOFFICEFEVER.GOTTASTOP,GOTTASTOP,GOTTASTOPTHATMAN.

(FINCHstopsshaving.)

FINCHOH,IBELIEVEINYOU,

MEN

DON'TLETHIMBESUCHAHERO.

FINCH

IBELIEVEINYOUMEN

STOPTHATMAN,COTTASTOPHIM,

FINCH

(Lookinginmirror)

YOUMEN

STOPTHATMAN,GOTTASTOPHIM,

FINCHYOU

MEN

STOPTHATMAN,GOTTASTOPTHATMAN!(ALLlookatFINCH.Afterapplause:)

GOTTASTOPTHATMAN,(ALLcrossL.towardlastsink.FINCHcrossesU.andgetscoat.).

I'VECOTTASTOPTHATMANCOLDORHE'LLSTOPME.

­115­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(MENexitL.)FINCH

(CrossesD.toC.sink)

IBELIEVEINYOU,(HewalksofL.)

IBELIEVEINYOU.

#27a–IntoBoardRoom(Orchestra)

Scene5

(THEBOARDROOM.InthedarkwehearBOOKVOICEoverthespeaker.)

BOOKVOICE

Thefarmerspendshistimeinthefields,thelaborerathismachine,andthebusinessmanatmeetings.

(LIGHTSdimuprevealingtheboardroom.WehearORGANMUSICplayingoffstage.Thereisalargetablewiththreecone­shapedchairsoneithersideandoneU.S.forBIGGLEY.Thereisabackdropcontainingvariouschartsandmaps.TACKABERRY,DAVIS,BUD,BRAVE,JENKINSandTOYNBEEenterfroinL.TACKABERRYandDAVIScrossandstandbehindtwoD.L.chairs.BUDcrossestothirdchair.,butBRATpusheshimasideandtakeshisplace.BUDcrossesabovetabletothefirstchairU.S.R.JENKlNSfollozvshim,pusheshimD.S.tothenextchair.TOYNBEE,behindJENKINS,pushesBUDtothelastandonlyremainingchairDR.Theyallremainstandingbehindchairs.Theatmosphereisthatofahushedcathedral.BIGGLEYentersL.carrying.afolder,crossestoU.S.C.chair.ThenhenodstotheMEN,hesits,theyfollowsuit.ORGANMUSICfadesout.)

BIGGLEY

Gentlemen.

(Lookingaround.)Where'sFinch?

BRATT

(SeatedL.ofBIGGLEY)Nothereyet,sir.

BIGGLEY

We'llstartwithouthim.WehavealotofotherbusinesstotakecareofbeforewecometoFinch'spresentation.

(Pulloutpapers.Theyallareveryattentive.Lookingatpaper:)Bratt…

­116­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT(Jumpstoattention)

Yes,J.B.?BIGGLEY

Thatstuffyourecommendedformycrabgrassdoesn'tworkatall.

BRATT

Ican'tunderstandit,J.B.Itworkedbeautifullyonmylawn.

BIGGLEY

Mylawnisamess.Bettercomeupwithsomethingnew.

BRATTRight,J.B.

BUD(SeatedD.R.)

Weneverhaveanytroublewithcrabgrassatourplace.

BIGGLEY

Whatdoyouuse?BUD

Cement.

(Theyalllookathim.)Sorry,J.B.Justalittlejoke.

BIGGLEY

Gentlemen,youwillexcusemynephew.It'sacombinationofyouth,highspiritsandextremestupidity....Now,let'ssee

(HisphoneBUZZES.Hepicksupphone.)Yes?Oh.We'vebeenwaitingforhim.Sendhimin.

(Hangsup.)It'sFinch.

(Theyalllookoffstageexpectantly.TwoOFFICEBoysenterL.carryinganeasel.TheycrossD.L.ofC.Thetitlechartreads"AFinchPresentation."FINCHfollowsfrom,L.,crossesU.toR.ofBIGGLEY.)

FINCH

(ToEXECUTIVES)Gentlemen,I'dliketopresentmynewapproachtoWicketadvertising.It'sbasedonanideawhich,inmyhumbleopinion,isbrilliant.

BIGGLEY

Soundspromising.Proceed,Finch.(FINCHclickscricket.MENremovetitlechart,disclosingapaintingofMountVesuvius.)Whatthehellisthat?

­117­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

ApictureofMountVesuvius,ineruption.ThatgivesYouanideaoftheimpactournewtelevisionshowisgoingtohave.Now,J.B.,anexample…

(Clickscricket.MENturndownpicture,revealcopyofCoverofTimewithBIGGLEYpictureonit.)

...ofthekindofnationalpublicityyoucanlookforward.

BUD(Seeingcoveroflime)

Oh,God!FINCH

ThecoverofTime.

(Clickscricket.MENdisclosecoverofNewsweekwithBIGGLEY’spictureonit.)ThecoverofNewsweek.

(Clickscricket.MENdisclosecoverofSportsillustratedwithBIGGLEYandhisgolfoutfit.)Andfinally,J.B.,theGolferoftheYear.

(EXECUTIVESreact.)BIGGLEY

VeryInteresting.FINCH

(Gettingdowntoseriousbusiness)Now

(MENdiscloselargemap.SECONDMANthenexitsD.L.topick.uptotoyrocketlaterinpresentation.)

Thisisamapofthepotentialwicketmarket,dividedintosocial,geographicandethnicgroups.Itshowshowwewillmakedeeppenetrationandoverwhelmingsaturationinthoseareaswhereresistancehaslongbeenpeakiest.

(FIRSTMANflipscard,revealingsaleschartwithredlinegoingsharplydownward.)

BIGGLEYIlikethisthinking.

FINCH(CrossesL.toeasel.)

Thankyou.Nowhereisasaleschartofthepastfiscalyear...

(CrossesR.totable.)…whichreflectsthedisastrouseffectourformeradvertisIngpolicyintermsofpercapitaconsumptionofwickets. (CrossesDL.Ofeasel)Notethesharpdeclinefromnormalregularity.Down,down,down.

­118­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(FINCHturnsL.,reachesintowings.MANhandshimtoyrocket.HecrossesR.totable,putsrocketdown.)

(FINCH)

Andthisiswhat'sgoingtohappentooursaleswhenwefinallygetgoing,aswewill.

(Releasestoyrocket,shootingitintotheair.)Up,up,up!

(CrossesD.L.ofeasel,turnssaleschartonsidesothatsaleslinecurvesupward)Andthereyouare.

(Heflipslastcardover.withtheaidoftheFIRSTOFFICEBOY,revealinganenlargedphotoofFINCH'sfacewiththewords"TheEnd"underneath.HethenshakeshandswiththeFIRSTOFFICEBOY,thencrossesU.LtoL.ofBIGGLEY.SECONDOFFICEBOYentersL.,crossestoeaselandBOTHMENexitwitheaselL.)

BIGGLEY

Finch,Ithinkyou'vedoneit.Verygood.

BUD(Rappingontable)

CouldIaskaquestion,J.B.?

(FINCHcrossesabovetabletoDR.ofBUD.)

BIGGLEYYes.

BUDWhatishisidea?

BIGGLEYYouheard.Atelevisionshowthatwillgiveuspenetrationandpeakreaction.Soundsgreat,Finch.Great!Doesn'tit,men?

MEN

Hmmmmm.

BUDButwhat'stheideafortheshow?

BIGGLEY

Idon'tseewhyyouhavetobesodamnednegative.Theonlythingsyouevercomeupwitharelousyideasliketreasurehunts.

(BUDturnstolookatFINCH.FINCHlooksathim.)Allright,Finch,whatistheideafortheshow?

FINCH

Idon'tthinkI'mgoingtotellittoyou.

(CrossesU.toR.ofBIGGLEY.)

­119­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEYWhatdoYoumean?

FINCH

Youknow,j.B.,i'vealwaysthoughtofyouasamanofbreadthandvisionopentonewideas.Butnowidon'tknow.I'mthrown

BIGGLEYBywhat?

FINCHThewayyoujustspoketoBudabouthit,;ideaforatreasurehunt.Youdismissedit.Thefactis,therearetreasurehuntsandtreasurehunts.WhenBudbroughtittome,Ithoughtitwasarottenidea,too.

(CrossesD.R.)

BIGGLEYIshouldhopeso.

FINCH

(CrossesL.toC.oftable)

ButthenIrememberedsomething.J.B.,youknowanideainitselfisnothing.It'sthedevelopmentthatcounts.LeonardodaVincidrewsomesketchesforaflyingmachine,butittookAmericanknow‐howtodevelopthemintotheBoeing707.

(CrossesU.L.ofBIGGLEY)AmannamedGatlingonceinventedalittlemachinegun,butittookamightybraintotakethissimplelittlemachinegunanddevelopitintoagreatprogramlike

(Slamstable.)"TheUntouchables."WhenIthoughtofthat,Bud'ssillylittleideabecameachallengetome,andIsaid,"I'mgoingtotakethisideaofBudFrump'sanddefrumpit.Firstorall,mytreasureisnotabond,andit'snotmoney.It'sstock.

MENStock!

FINCHFiftythousandsharesofstock.

BIGGLEYStock?Inourcompany?

FINCH

Thesedayspeoplelikestockbetterthanmoney.

BRATT

Howcanweissuefiftythousandextrasharesofstock? (MENreact.)

­120­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(TurnstoBRATT)

That'snoproblem.It'sasimplematteroftakingtheconvertibledebenturesfromthesinkingfund,issuingstockoptionswhichareexchangeableforrights,whichwethenconvertintononvotingcommonandreplacewithwarrants.

BRATTTellmethatagain.

FINCHIcan't.

JENKINSItcan'tbedone,J.B.

BIGGLEY

Itcan'tbedone.

FINCHButifitcould,wouldn'titcreateatremendousexcitement?

BIGGLEYButitcan'tbedone.

FINCHButifitcould.

BIGGLEYButitcan't.

FINCH

Butifitcould,J.B.,justforamomentsayitcouldbedone,what'syouranswer?

BIGGLEYIforgotthequestion.

BRATTYoucan'tgiveawaystock!

(MENreact.)FINCH

Wegiveawaystockdividends,don'twe?Please,letmegoonwithmypresentation.

(FINCHcrossesD.L.,callsoffstage.)We'reready.

BIGGLEYFinch,Ihategive‐awayshows.

FINCH

SodoI,J.B.Butthepublicalwayslovesthem.Itellyou,anybodywhocolliesupwithanewunrigged,unfixedwaytogiveawaysomethingfornothingisgoingtocleanup'AndIhavethatnewtwist.Gentlemen,theWorldWideWicketTreasureGirl.

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(HEDYentersfromL.,crossestotablebelowFINCHSheisdressedinapiratecostumewhichisvery,veryabbreviated.Shehasapatchoveroneeye,andlooksgreat.MENreact.)

BIGGLEY

(Staring,rises)Whatisthis?

FINCH

(L.ofHEDY)This,J.B.,isthesecretingredient.Thethingthatwilltakethecountrybystorm.I'mcombininggreedandsex.Can'tmiss.Goahead,Hedy.

HEDY

(Verymuchlikeacigarettegirl)Hello,there.I'mtheWorldWideWicketTreasureGirl.EachweekI'mgoingtobringyouacluetowheretheWorldWidetreasurehasbeenstashed.

FINCHBuried.

HEDYOh,yeah.Buried.Thiseyepatchgetsmemixedup.

(CrossesU.L.ofBIGGLEY.)Isn'tthisacuteoutfit?Iloveit.

BIGGLEY

(Sits)Verynice,MissLaRue,verynice.

FINCH(CrossesU.toL.ofBRATT)Ofcourse,MissLaRueisjusthelpingmedemonstratetheidea.Shewon'tbeourregularTreasureGirl.

HEDY(Actingitup)

Naturally.

(Deepsigh.)FINCH

(CrossesD.toL.ofDAVIS)

Whenweactuallygoontheairweneedabignamepersonality.

HEDYOfCourse.

(Anothersigh.)

­122­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(HEDY)Well,I'mleavingthefirm,anyway.

(LeansoverBIGGLEY.)Ofcourse,Iwouldn'tif...

FINCH (D.L.Leapsin)Offhand,I'dsaythiswouldbegreatforsomeonelikeElizabethTaylor.

BUD

Whydon'tyougetQueenElizabeth?

FINCH (LeansacrosstabletoBUD)ThisisanAmericanprogram.Now,J.B.,abeautifulTreasureGirl,plusfiftythousandsharesofstockwill...

BRATT(Rises)

J.B.,let'stellthismaniacoffandgetonwithourbusiness.

(MENreact.)

BIGGLEY (Rises)Justamoment.I'llhandlethis.GentlemenandMissLaRue,willyoupleaseleavemealonewithMr.Finch.

BRATTOkay.Takecareofhim.

(MENandHEDYgetupandstartoffL.)Thisiscrazy!WhatabouttheS.E.C.?

TACKABERRY

(Exiting)WhatabouttheF.C.C.?

JENKINSWhataboutthestockholders?

TOYNBEEWhatabouttheboardofdirectors?

JENKINSWhatabouttheFederalstatutes.?

DAVISWhatabouttheFederalTradeCommission?

­123­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATTWhatabouttheSenateInvestigatingCommittee?

(TheyexitL.)FINCH

(CrossesU.L.ofBIGGLEY)They'reallbeingpetty.

BIGGLEYFinch...you'reabrilliantyoungchap,butI'mafraidyou'veletusdown.

(Sits.)

FINCH(Sits)

How,J.B.?

BIGGLEYYou'vemissedtheboat.Youhaven'tthoughtthisoutproperly.

FINCHIdon'tunderstand,J.B.

BIGGLEYTellme,whydoesthisTreasureGirlhavetobeabignamepersonality?

(FINCHturnsfrontandsmiles.)FINCH

Sir?

BIGGLEYHowwoulditbeifshewere...well...someonemore

FINCHMore

BIGGLEYMoreidentifiedwiththecompany.Areal,uh...

FINCHArealWorldWideWicketgirl.?

BIGGLEYYes.Maybe...

(Asifgettingabrilliantidea.)Say,whynotMissLaRueherself?

FINCH(Rises)

Brilliant,J.B.,brilliant!Insteadofanartificialactress,wehaveplain,simpleHedyLaRue,thegirlnextdoor.ThatwasagreatthoughtsJ.B.

­124­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEYItwasn'tbad,wasit?

FINCHThenit'sallsettled.

(CrossesD.)BIGGLEY

Justamoment.Finchwhereareyougoingtohidethetreasure?

FINCH (CrossesU.L.toBIGGLEY)J.B.,thisshowiscompletelyunrigged.NoteventheTreasureGirlisgoingtoknowwherethetreasureishidden.

BIGGLEYWell,I'dliketoknow.

FINCH

Okay.It'stobeasecretbetweenyouandme.I'llgiveyouthefirstcluethattheTreasureGirlisgoingtogiveovertheair."Westofthesun,westofthemoon,whereisthetreasure?Blowmeatune."

BIGGLEYWhatthehellisthat?

FINCH

Toughclue,isn'tit?Butifyouwillnote,thefirstlettersofeachlineareW.W.W.B.WorldWideWicketBuildings.

BIGGLEY(Rises)

You'regoingtouseourbuildings?

FINCHI'mgoingtohidefivethousandsharesofstockineachofthetenWorldWideWicketBuildingsthroughoutthecountry.We'llgettremendouspublicity.

BIGGLEYButyou'llhavemobsofpeoplerunningalloverthebuildings,lookingforthetrea5

FINCHJ.B.,ifamanasbrilliantandaseducatedasyou.couldn'tguessfromtheclueIgaveyou,doyouthinktheaverageviewerisgoingtoguess?

BIGGLEYGoodpoint.

FINCH(CallsoffL.)

Youcancomein,gentlemen.

(CrossesabovetabletoDR.)

­125­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(BRATTandMENwalkonandgothetheirplaces,standbehindthechairs.)

BIGGLEY

GetlemenI’mthinithgotgoingaheadwiththeWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.ofcourseIwantyourapproval.

BRATT

Well.J.B..Ithinkit'sanabsolutely.crazymotionand...

BIGGLEYIlikeit.

BRATTIlikeit'

MEN(Inunison)

Welikeit!#28–T.V.Announcement(Orchestra)

Scene6

(TELEVISIONSHOW.OnriseweseeatypicaltelevisionLogodisplaywhichisaglobeoftheworldwiththewords`WorldWideWickets"writtenarounditscircumference.TheANNOUNCER'sVOICEisheardavertheusualintroductionmusic.)

TVANNOUNCER

(Overspeaker)

TheWorldWideWicketCompany,whosesloganforoverorehundredyearshasbeen"WorldWideWickets…”

(Asmallpanelslipsdawnfrombehindlogowiththewords"ForAWiderWorldWrittenonit.)

“…ForAWiderWorld,"presents,inlivingcolor,intheinterofbettertelevisionProgramming,theWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.

(MALEDANCERSinpiratecostumeenterfromL.andR.AcutoutofapirateshipisU.S.BelowthatisahugeopentreasurechestwithFIVEGIRLDANCERShiddenunderagoldcloth.TVANNOUNCERcontinuesaslightscomeup.)

Now,fortheopeningnumber.wepresentanauthentictraditionalfolkdanceoftheboldpiratefolkoftheSpanishMain.dancedforyourpleasurebythejollyWicketsandWickettes

­126­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#28–TheYo­Ho­Ho (Orchestra)

(AfterPIRATENUMBER,DANCERSclearU.S.,holdfinalpositionsofdanceasBIGGLEY,FINCH,BRATTandTACKABERRYcomeonstagewiththeR.stageTVunit.Theyhavebeenwatchingthedanceonatelevisionset.)

BIGGLEY

(Seated)Whatthehellwasthat?

FINCH

(StandingD.R.ofBIGGLEY)

Ifriedforsomeproductionvalue.Sssshhh.Giveitachance.Hedy'scomingonnow.

TVANNOUNCERNowthemomentyou'veallbeenwaitingfor‐theWorldWideWicketTreasureGirl.#30–Hedy’sFanfare (Orchestra)

(HEDYenters[MUSICFANFARE]fromL.,followedbyTWOWICKETTEGIRLSwhostandoneithersidebehindher.HEDYblowskissestoaudience.)

BRATT

(StandingU.L.ofBIGGLEY)

It'sbeginningtogetme.I'mbeginningtowonderwherethetreasureis,myself.

TACKABERRY (U.L.ofFINCH)Yeah,whereisit,Ponty?

FINCH

No,no.NobodyinthewholeworldknowsbutJ.B.andmyself.Right,J.B.?

BIGGLEYRight,Ponty.Ssshhhhh.

HEDY

Hello,there.Well,I'mabouttogiveyouthefirstclueintheWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.Intendifferentplacesinthisgreatcountrythereareburiedfivethousandsharesofstock,makingatotaloffiftythousandsharesinall.Oooooh!Andnowforthefirstclue.

(MUSICfanfare.)TWOWICKETTEGIRLS

(Reciting)Thefirstclue.

(MUSICFANFARE)

­127­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#30a–TheFirstClue (Orchestra)

HEDYThefirstclueis“Westofthesun…” (ATVANNOUNCERinterrupts.)

TVANNOUNCEROnemoment,TreasureGirl.

(HEDYlooksup.MANentersL.carryingabigBible.HecrossesR.aboveHEDY,D.toherL.)ThisgentlemaniscarryingaBible.Willyouplaceyourrighthandonit.MissLaRue,doyouswearthattherehasbeennofixingorrigginginconnectionwiththisshow? (HEDYlooksstartled.)Andthattheclueyouareabouttogiveisthetruth,thewholetruth,freefromanytrickery,chicaneryordishonesty? (HEDYisveryhesitant.)

HEDYIsthisarealBible?

TVANNOUNCER

Why,ofcourse,MissLaRue

BIGGLEYWhat'sthematterwithher?

BRATTShelookssurprised.

FINCH

SheisHedydidn'tknowaboutthis.IwantedthispartoftheshowtotobecompletelySpontaneousandunrehearsed.

BIGGLEY

Thatcallbevery,dangerous.

FINCHIthinkit'sveryeffective.

TVANNOUNCER

Doyousweartothat,MissLaRue?

HEDY (Hesitantly,handonBible)Ido.

(RemovedHand)

­128­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

TVANNOUNCER

Andsecondly,MissLaRue,doyouswearthatyouyourselfdonotknowwherethetreasureisactuallyhidden?Doyousweartothat,MissLaRue?MissLaRue?

BIGGLEYYousee?We'regoingtogetintotrouble.

FINCHWhy?YouandIaretheonlyoneswhoknowwherethetreasureishidden.Shedoesn'tknow.

(ALLMENlookatBIGGLEY.)Doesshe?

BIGGLEY

(LooksatMEN,thenbackatTVset)Let'swatchtheprogram.

TVANNOUNCER

MissLaRue,doyouswearthatyoudonotactuallyknowwherethetreasureishidden?

HEDYLook,Idonotwishtotakeabumrap.Iwillnotswearfalsewitnesstoperjury.Idoknowwherethetreasureis.

(Takesonestepforward,leaningforward.)

Ifoundoutlastnight.ThereistreasurehiddeninalltheWorldWideWicketBuildingsrightnow.

(MENstageitreactinhorror.BIGGLEYcollapsesinchair.)

TWOWICKETTEGIRLS

(Reciteagain)Thefirstclue...

(HEDYgoesL.,followedbyGIRLSandMAN.)#30b–Disaster(Orchestra)

Scene7

(THEWRECKEDOUTEROFFICE.IntheblackweheartheBOOKVOICE.)

BOOKVOICEHowtoHandleaDisaster.

­129­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(Theouterofficeisrevealedwiththelampstwistedandturned,thedeskstoppled,type­writersonthefloor,addingmachinetapestrewnallover,chairsturnedover.Theplaceisincompletewreckage.InfrozentableauwefindMissJONES,TACKABERRYTOYNBEE,BUD,JENKINS,DAVISandaCOMPANYPOLICEMANviewingthewreckage.BOOKVOICEcontinues.)

Ineverybusinessman'scareer,therearetimeswhenthingsgoabitwrong.Wehavemanysuggestionsforcopingwiththeselittleproblems.However,shouldyoubethecauseofadisasterthat'sreallydisastrous,wesuggestthatyourbestbetistoreviewthefirstchapterofthisbook,HowToApplyForajob.

(MISSJONESandEXECUTIVESbreaktableauandstartspeaking.)

TACKABERRY(L.ofMISSJONES)

HaveyouguysfoundFinchyet?

MISSJONES

(ToTACKABERRY)Heseemstohavedisappeared.

TOYNBEE(L.ofTACKABERRY)

Can'tfindhim.

(HeexitsL.ROSEMARYentersfromL.duringthisandwatches.)

JENKINSNo,butwe'relookingforhim.

(ExitsL.)

DAVISHaven'tseenhim.

(ExitsL.) (BRATTentersU.R.fromexecutivesuite.,crossesD.R.ofTACKABERRY)

BRATT

Where'sFinch?

TACKABERRYIdon'tknow,Bratt.

BRATT

Well,J.B.wantshimasfastasyoucanfindhim.He'shoppingmad.

(WOMPERcomesrunningonfromL.withCOMPANYPOLICEMANchasinghim.)

COMPANYPOLICEMAN

(L.OfWOMPER)Comebackhere,you.

­130­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT

(TakesPOLICEMAN’SarmfromaroundWOMPER)Whatareyoudoing?

COMPANYPOLICEMANIt'sanothertreasurehunter.Thislittlenuttriedtosneakpastmethreetimes.

BRATTThislittlenutisthechairmanoftheboard.

(WOMPERgivesBRATTalook.)It'sMr.Womper.

COMPANYPOLICEMAN(StartsoffL.)

Chairmanoftheboard.Theyalllookaliketome.

(HeexitsL.)

BRATTI'mverysorrythishappened,Mr.Womper.

(WOMPERjustlooksathim.) Ifyou'llcomewithme,Mr.BIGGLEYisinhisoffice.Luckilytheydidn'twreckthat.

(WOMPERstartsoffLLR.intoexecutivesuite,followedbyBRATTandTACKABERRY.BRATTaddressesMissJones.)

KeeplookingforFinch.

(Theyexitintoexecutivesuite.)

MISSJONES(SeeingROSEMARYL.ofC.)

Oh,Rosemary,haveyouseenPonty?

ROSEMARYNo,MissJones,andI'msoworriedabouthim.

MISSJONESSoamI.Hewasaniceboy.

(StartsoffIt)ROSEMARY

Was?Whatwilltheydotohim?

MISSJONESIdon'tknow.Somebody'sheadhastoroll.

(Shemakesbowlinggesture,thenexitsU.R.intoexecutivesuite.)

­131­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#31–IBelieveInYou (Rosemary)

ROSEMARY

(Leftalone,crossesD.R)

Pontywillthinkofsomething,won'tPonty.

YOUHAVETHECOOLCLEAREYESOFASEEKEROFWISDOMANDTRUTH;YETTHERE'STHATUPTURNEDCHIN,ANDTHEGRINOFIMPETUOUSYOUTH.OH,IBELIEVEINYOU,IBELIEVEINYOU.

(FINCHentersfromL.ROSEMARYrushesintohisarms.)

ROSEMARY

Pority,Ponty!

(Theyembrace.)FINCH

I'msogladyou'rehere.

ROSEMARYWherehaveyoubeen?

FINCHOh,walkingthestreets,thinking,thinking.

ROSEMARY(Touchinghisforehead)

You'vegotabruiseonyourhead.

FINCHIt'snothing.Igotitlastnight.Theythrewmeoutofasaloon.

ROSEMARY(Horrified)

Whydidtheydothat?

FINCHBecauseIdidn'tbuyanything.

ROSEMARYThebrutes.Whydon'tyougohome?

FINCHNo,I'vegottogoinandfacethemusic.

(BUDstickshisheadoutofexecutivesuite,seesFINCH,pointsatBUD)

BUDAhhah!

(Heexitsintoexecutivesuite.)

­132­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

(CrossesR.belowROSEMARY,looksatthewreckedoffice)Well,thisisit.

ROSEMARYThechairmanoftheboardisinthere.

FINCH

Ifiguredthat.

ROSEMARYWhatareyougoingtodo?

FINCH

(CrossesL.belowher.)Do?Whatdoesamandowhentheworldhascollapsedaroundhisears?Nothing.I'lljusttakewhat'scomingtome.

ROSEMARYPonty,Iknowwiththatmindofyours...

FINCH

No,Rosemary,I'mputtingthatmindofmineaway.I'mjustgoingtomakeacleanbreastofeverythingandgobacktowhatIwasbeforeIcamehere.

ROSEMARYWhatwereyou?

FINCHIwasanexteriordecorator.

(Catcheshimself.)IhereIgoagain.Ican'teventellyouthetruth.Iwasawindowwasher.

ROSEMARYSowhat?Idon'tcarewhatyoudo,Ponty,I'msticking.Iwalkedoutonyouonce.

FINCHYoudid?

ROSEMARYWell,I'mnotleavingyouagain.

FINCH

Rosemary,youcan'tbethewifeofawindowwasher.That'snolifeforawomansiftingathomewhileI'mupthere,neverknowingifI'velandedsafely.

ROSEMARYNowlistentome,Finch...

(BUDentersfromexecutivesuitewithFOURMEN.Theyremainonsteps.BUDcrossesD.R.toC.)

­133­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUDFinch,you'rewantednJ.B.'soffice.

FINCHIoughtI'dwashupfirst.

BUDTheywantyounow.

FINCH

(CrossesR.)Gee,can'tIevensaygood‐byetoRosemary?

BUDGoahead.

FINCH

(TurnsL.toROSEMARY)Rosemazygood‐bye.

BUD(Cuttingin)

Comealong.

FINCH

But,I...

(Turns,crossesU.ontothesteps,turnsbackandseeshe'ssurroundedbytheFOURMEN,shrugsshoulders.)

Fmsorry,Rosemary.Iwishnoneofthishadeverhappened.

(ExitsU.R.followedbytheFOURMEN.)

ROSEMARY(Startstorunafterhim)

Ponty!

(BUDstandsinherway.Shestops.BUDexitsU.R.)

#32–Doom (Orchestra)

Scene8

(THEELEVATORLANDING.OnriseweseeTHREEGIRLSoneachsideofthestageholdinghandkerchiefs,sadlywatchingasBUDentersR.,followedbyFINCHsurroundedbytheFOURMEN.TheyStopL.ofC.)

­134­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUD

(CrossesR.betweentwomentoFINCH)

Look,Pontywhythehellshouldyoufacethosemonsters?Goahead,runaway.Escape.I'llpretendIdidn'tseeyou.Forauldlangsyne.

FINCH

No,I'mgoingtofacethemandgetitoverwith.Ishouldthinkyou'dbehappyiftheykilledme.

(BUDcrossesL.tohisformerposition.)

BUDIfIcouldonlybesure.

(TheymarchoffL.GIRLSexitL.andR.)

Scene9

(BIGGLEY'SOFFICE.WOMPERispacingbackandforth.MissJONESisseated(U.L.onthesofa.ToherrightisTACKABERRY.ANOTHERGROUPofEXECUTIVESstandingStageR.BIGGLEYisstandingL.ofhisdesk.BRATTentersL.,followedbyPETERSONandJENKINS.)

BRATT

(CrossestoL.ofBIGGLEY)

Allofourkeymenarehere,J.B.

(ToPETERSONandJENKINSathisL.)Gentlemen,youknowMr.WallyWomper,thechairmanoftheboard.

(TheynodtoWOMPER,whojustlooksatthem.PETERSONcrossesU.toMISSJONES.)

BIGGLEY

(CrossesR.toWOMPER)

Now,Wally,letmetellyoubeforewegoanyfurtherthatIrealizethatI'mthepresidentofthiscompany,themanwhoisresponsibleforeverythingthatgoesonhere.SoI'dliketostaterightnowthatanythingthathappenedisnotmyfault.There'sonebrightsidetothiswholething,Wally.You'llbehappytoknowthatwe'vegotsomebodytopiniton.

(TurnstoBRATT)HaveyoufoundFinchyet?

BRATTThey'rebringinghimin.

BIGGLEY

Good.Wally,you'llsoonseewheretheresponsibilityforthewholethinglies.Whenhegetshere,I'lldoallthetalking.ThisisaveryslickyoungsterWally

­135­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(BUDentersdraggingFINCHfollowedbytheFOUREXECUTIVESwhocrossU.L.alongsideMissJONES.)

BUD

(ToBIGGLEY)He'shere,sir.

(CrossesR.belowdesktoMENstageR.JENKINScrossesabovedeskandjoinshim.)

FINCH

(L.ofC.)Mr.Biggley,I'd...

BIGGLEY

(Cuttinginfast)Nevermind,I'lldothetalking.Oh,bytheway,you'venevermetMr.Womper.Thisisthechairmanoftheboard.

FINCHHowdoyoudo,Mr.Womper?

(StartsR.)Mr.Womper,I'dliketo

BIGGLEY

(Stoppinghim)Nospeeches,Finch.It'sallsettled.Iwantyoutosignasimplelittleletterofresignation,inwhichyouacceptalltheblameforwhathappened.

(BRATTcrossesD.toL.ofFINCH,handshimpenandletterofresignation.)

FINCHOkay,Mr.Biggley,I'llbegladto.

(TakespenandletterfromBRATT)

BIGGLEYWhat'sthat?

(CrossesL.toFINCH.)FINCH

I'lldowhatyousaid.

(ALLlookateachother.)

BIGGLEYYouSurethisisn'toneofyourtricks?

FINCH

No,Mr.Biggley,I'mthroughwithallthat.Yousee,thisfirmhasbeenprettygoodtome.NowI'mgoingtoresign,taketheblameandgobacktowhatIdidbeforeIcamehere.

­136­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY(Simplecuriosity)

Whatdidyoudo,Finch?

FINCH

(Afterapause)

Iwasawindowwasher.

WOMPERNokiddin'.Istartedasawindowwashermyself.

(ThisisthefirsttimeWOMPERhasspoken.Itcomesfromleftfield.TheyallturnandlookatWOMPER.FINCHturnsfrontandsmiles,thenturnsgracefullytoBRATTandhandsbackpenandletterofresignation.BRATTlooksstunned.Heputsawayhispen,letterofresignationandcrossesU.L.toitofMISSJONES.)

BIGGLEY

(TurnsR.)Youdid?

WOMPER

(CrossesL.)WhatthehelldidyouthinkIwas‐arailsplitter?

(BIGGLEYcrossesU.LtoL.ofBRATT.WOMPERdisgustedlyreferstoBIGGLEY.)Collegeman.

(ToFINCH.)Soyouwereawindowwasher.

(MENgatheraroundBUDstageR.MENgatheraroundBIGGLEYstageL.)

FINCHYes,Mr.Womper.

WOMPERCallmeWally.

FINCHOkay,Wally.

WOMPERTellme,Finch...

FINCHCallmePonty.

WOMPER

Okay,Ponty.Boy,it'sbeenalongtimesinceIhadsomeonearoundhereIHowdidyouhappentogointothisbusiness?

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FINCHWell,sir,Ihadabook

WOMPERYeah?Me,too.

FINCHItwasabookonhowtosucceedinbusiness.

WOMPER

Mybookwasmoreuseful.Ibookedbetsforalltheotherwindowwashers.Icleanedupabundle.

(CrossesR.,looksatMENstageR.)

Ishould'vestoodinthatbusinessEightbuildingswrecked,ourstockisdownfivepoints.We'rethelaughingstockoftheindustry.

FINCHIknow,Wally.It'sghastly.

WOMPER

Ponty,howdidthishappen?Icouldunderstandacollegemanpullingabonerlikethis,butnotnowindowwasher.Nowthisideaofyours...

FINCHHoldit,Wally.

(CrossesR.toWOMPER.)

Ifthere'sonethingIwon'tdo,it'stakecreditforanotherman'sidea.Especiallywhenhe'stheboss'snephew.

(WOMPERlooksup.FINCHcrossesL.EVERYBODYmovesL.awayfromBUD,leavinghimalonestageR.)

WOMPER

(CrossesR.toC.,looksatBUD,turnstoBIGGLEY)Younevertoldmeyouhiredyournephew.

BIGGLEYNephew?Oh,nephew.

(CrossesD.R.toWOMPER.)

He'snotreallymynephew‐he'smyWife'snephew.Thismayseemlikenepotism,Wally,butit'snot.I'venevershownhimanyfavoritism.Infact,Ihatehim.

WOMPERButyoulovehisideas.

BIGGLEY

No!WhenhefirsttoldmetheideaIthoughtitwasalousyidea.

(CrossesL.andpointsatFINCH.)

ThenwhenFinchbroughtittomeIstillsaiditwasalousyidea.AndItoldFinchitwasalousyidea.

­138­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

WOMPER(CrossesL.twoSteps)

Whydidyoubuyit?

BIGGLEYItseemedlikeagoodidea.

WOMPER

(Turnsaway,crossesR.twosteps)Treasurehunts...treasuregirls...

BIGGLEY(Suddenlydefensive)

Well,dresseditallup.Hecan'tdenythattheideafortheTreasureGirlwashis.

(CrossesU.L.intoGROUPOFMEN.)

MENThat'sright,J.B.Youtell'em,J.B.That'stheway,J.B.

(etc.,etc.)

(WOMPERlooksatFINCH.)

FINCH(CrossesR.toWOMPER,)

Well,thatwasmyidea.

WOMPERAndnotabadone,butwhothehellpickedthatbubble‐headedtomato?

(FINCHcrossesD.R.belowWOMPER.NowEVERYONEmovesawayR.andL.fromBIGGLEY,leavinghimaloneL.WOMPERlooksatBIGGLEY.)

WOMPER

(Nodding,looksU.L.)Uhhuh.

BIGGLEY

(CrossesD.toWomper)Wally,Idon'twantyoutogetanywrongideas.Thisisaverynicegirl.Yououghttotalktoher.

WOMPERIintendto.

(CrossesR.,looksatmenR.)Well,IthinkI'vegotthewholepicture.Nowthequestioniswhattodoandwhotodoitto.

(SitsinBIGGLEY'SchairC.)

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FINCH(CrossesL.toWOMPER)

Nowwaitaminute,Wally.Beforeyoumakeanyhastydecision…

(BIGGLEYCrossesL.OfC.)I'dliketosayafewwords.

(ALLMENmovedown.)

WOMPERAboutwhat?

FINCHHumanity.

(WOMPERswivelschairtofaceU.S.)#33–TheBrotherhoodofMan (Finch,Womper,Biggley,MissJones,Men)

(FINCH)

Yousee,Wally,eventhoughwe'reallpartofthecoldcorporatesetup...deepdownunderourskinsthereisfleshandblood.We'reallbrothers.

BIGGLEY

(D.L.,sighs)Someofusareuncles.

FINCH(RofC.)NOW,YOUMAYJOINTHEELKS,MYFRIEND,ANDIMAYJOINTHESHRINERS.ANDOTHERMENMAYCARRYCARDSASMEMBERSOFTHEDINERS.STILLOTHERSWEARAGOLDENKEY,ORSMALLGREEKLETTERPIN.BUTIHAVELEARNEDTHERE'SONEGREATCLUBTHATALLOFUSAREIN.

(Jumpsondesk.)

THEREISABROTHERHOODOFMAN,ABENEVOLENTBROTHERHOODOFMAN;ANOBLETIETHATBINDSALLHUMANHEARTSANDMINDSINTOONEBROTHERHOODOFMAN.

(MENgatherarounddesk,exceptforBUDandBIGGLEY.)

YOURLIFE‐LONGMEMBERSHIPISFREE.KEEPA‐GIVINGEACHBROTHERALLYOUCAN.OH,AREN'TYOUPROUDTOBEINTHATFRATERNITY;

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(ALLplacehandsoverhearts.)

(FINCH)

THEGREAT,BIGBROTHERHOODOFMAN?(MENcrossawayL.andR.)(FINCHSpeaking)So,Wally,Iwantyoutorememberthat,beforeyouconsiderfiringMr.Biggley.

(BRATTcrossesD.toBIGGLEYwithletterofresignationandpen.)

BIGGLEYWho'sconsideringthat?

(PushesBRATTaway)

FINCH (Stillondesk)Yousee,Wally,Iknowwhat'sonyourmind.You'dliketoclearoutthewholecrowdfromtoptobottom.

(JUMPSitoffdesk.)

That'stheobviousmove.Butstopandthink...

(ToDAVIS,D.R.)(Sings)

ONEMANMAYSEEMINCOMPETENT,(ToTOYNBEE,L.ofDAVIS.)

ANOTHERNOTMAKESENSE,(ToBUD,L.ofTOYNBEE.)

WHILEOTHERSLOOKLIKEQUITEAWASTEOFCOMPANYEXPENSE.THEYNEEDABROTHER'SLEADERSHIP,

(BelowMENstageit)

SOPLEASEDON'TDOTHEMIN;(CrossesL.toWOMPER.)

REMEMBER,MEDIOCRITYISNOTAMORTALSIN.THEY'RE

EXECUTIVESWE'RE

FINCHIN…

EXECUTIVESIN…

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FINCHTHE...

EXECUTIVES

THE...

ALLMENBROTHERHOODOFMAN;DEDICATEDTOGIVINGALLWECAN.

FINCH

OH,AREN'TYOUPROUDTOBEINTHATFRATERNITY;

(ALLclaphands.)

ALLMENTHEGREATBIGBROTHERHOODOFMAN?

(ALLclaphands.WOMPERcrossesD.,turnsandlooksatMENstageR.Theystopclapping.HeturnsandlooksatMENstageL.ALLStopclappingbutBUD,whoisleftclappingalone.BIGGLEYatBUD'SL.,grabshissliandsandstopshim.WOMPERthencrossesD.C.)

WOMPER

NOKIDDIN'!(Sings)

ISTHEREREALLYABROTHERHOOD...

BIGGLEYANDEXECUTIVES.

YES,YOU'REABROTHER;WOMPER

...OFMAN?

BIGGLEYANDEXECUTIVES

YOUAREABROTHER!WOMPER

ONTHELEVEL,ABROTHERHOODOFMAN?

ALLOHYES,OHYES.ANOBLETIETHATBINDSALLHUMANHEARTSANDMINDS

WOMPER

INTOONEBROTHERHOODOFMAN.

ALL

OH,YES,YOURLIFE‐LONGMEMBERSHIPISFREE;KEEPA‐GIVIN'EACHBROTHERALLYOUCAN.OH,AREN'TYOU…

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WOMPERANDMEN MISSJONES

(CrossesU.,climbsontodesk)

PROUDTOBE YOU… YOUGOTME INTHATFRATERNITY; ME… IGOT

THEGREAT,BIG YOU‐OOBROTHERHOODOFMAN? YOU‐OO.

(MENfaceU.S.andsurrounddesk.)

MISSJONES

OH,THATNOBLEFEELING,FEELSLIKEBELLSAREPEALING,DOWNWITHDOUBLEDEALING;OH,BROTHER.YOU...YOUGOTMEME...IGOTYOU‐OO,YOU‐OO.

(WOMPERandFINCHdolittletaproutine.)

ALL(Softly)

OH,THATNOBLEFEELING,FEELSLIKEBELLSAREPEALING,DOWNWITHDOUBLEDEALING;OH,BROTHER!YOU...YOUGOTMEME...IGOTYOU‐OO,YOU‐OO.OH,THATNOBLEFEELING,

(ALLspreadoutonstageandclaphands.DANCERSdocrossover.)

FEELSLIKEBELLSAREPEALING,DOWNWITHDOUBLEDEALING;OH,BROTHER.YOU...YOUGOTMEME...IGOTYOU‐OO,YOU‐OO.

(BIGGLEYclimbsondeskR.ofMissJones.)

YOURLIFE‐LONGMEMBERSHIPISFREE.KEEPA‐GIVINGEACHBROTHERALLYOUCAN.OH,AREN'TYOUPROUDTOBEINTHATFRATERNITY;THEGREATBIGBROTHERHOODOFMAN.

(ALLshakehands.)

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#34–MoreDoom (Orchestra)

Scene9A

(TRAVELER.SOUNDofDRUMS.BUDentersL,crossesslowly,surroundedbytheFOURMENwhoearlieraccompaniedFINCH.BUDstopsR.ofC.,turnsandaddressesmen.)

BUD

(CrossesL.toFIRSTMAN)Givemeabreak. (CrossesU.L.toSECONDMAN)Wewerealwaysthebestoffriends,Max.

(WaveshandinfrontofSECONDMANwhodoesnotreact.CrossesU.R.toTHIRDMAN.)Rememberthefun,thedates,Ernest?

(Laughs.CrossesD.R.tofourthman.)YouIneverliked. (AddressesALL)Look,Icouldmakeit.vorthyourwhile.

(Reachesintopockets,pullsthemoutempty)

No,Ican't!Itdoesn'tpaytobedecent.

(Fallstofloor.)Well,I'mnotgoingtogo.

(MENpickhimup,startoffR.)No,no,youcan'tmakeme!I'mtooyoungtogo.I'mjustaboy.I’llgetsick!

Scene10

(THEOUTEROFFICE.OnriseOFFICEPERSONNELaremillingaround,gossiping.SMITTYenters.R.,CrossestoC...)

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

(L.ofC.)Hey,Smitty,anynewsyet

SMITTYIhaven'theardathingyet

(JENKINSentersL.)Oh,Mr.Jenkinshaveyouheardanythingyet?

­144­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

JENKINS

(AsheheadsforexecutivesuiteU.R.)Don'tknowathingyet.

MISSKRUMHOLTZLookslikeabigshakeup.

(JENKINSisstoppedonstairsU.R.byBRATTenteringfromexecutivesuite,followedbyTACKABERRY.)

BRATT

Boysandgirls,mayIhaveaword.

(Theyallturntolisten.)

Asyouknow,therehavebeenafewchangesmadeatWorldWideWickets.IamspeakingtoyounowinmynewcapacityasvicepresidentinchargeofEmployeeMoraleandPsychologicalAdjustment.Mr.TackaberryhereisnowinchargeofPersonnel.

(TACKABERRYnods,crossesD.steps,shakeshandswithJENKINS.)

NowIwouldlikeyoutohearafewwordsfromourhard‐driving,hard‐workingpresident.

(BIGGLEYentersL.R.,followedbyMISSJONES.) J.B.Biggley.

(OFFICESTAFFapplauds.MISSJONEScrossesD.tofootoffirstrowofD.S.desks.)

BIGGLEY

(CrossesD.R.ofC.)IcantrulystatethatWorldWideWicketsisnowstrongerthanever.AndIfeelalotofthecreditshouldgotoacertainbrightandveryloyalyoungman.Comeouthere,Finch.

(FINCHentersJR.OFFICESTAFFapplauds.BIGGLEYcrossesD.R.)Asyouknow,thisyoungster'srisehasbeenspectacularlyrapid.Asamatteroffact,forawhileIbegantothinkhewasaftermyjob.

(BIGGLEYlaughs.FINCHandotherOFFICEPERSONNELlaughwithhim.)But,luckilyforme,hedidn'twantit.

(Laughsagain.)

FINCH(Laughing)

No,J.B.,yourjobismuchtootoughforme.

(CrossesL.belowBIGGLEY.)ButIwouldliketosay,thatifanycreditisdue,itshouldgotoagreatmar'andagreathumanitarian,thechairmanoftheboard,Mr.WallyWomper.

­145­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEYHearhear.

FINCH

Incidentally;folks,MrWomperhashischarmingwifewithhimtodayLet'sgetthembothouthere.Mr.andMrs.Womper.

(WOMPERandHEDYComeoutU.R.,CrossDR.ofC.GROUPapplauds.FINCHcrossesR.tothem.)

FINCH

Mr.Wompertoldmehedidn'tfeellikemakinganyspeeches.He'sstillanewlywed.But,Ihaveasurpriseannouncementtomakeabouthim.

(CrossesL.toC.)

WaIlvWomperhasdecidedthatafterhislongyearsofservice,he'sgoingtoretireaschairmanoftheboardandheandhiswifearegoingtotakealonghoneymoontriparoundtheworld.

HEDY (R.ofWomper)Sweetie,whatasurprise!Youdidn'ttellme.

WOMPER (Stunned)Ididn'tknow. (FINCHcrossesU.L.andissurroundedbytheGIRLS.)Well,whatthehell.It'snotabadidea,atthat.

(RunstoHEDY)

I'llconcentrateonyou.BIGGLEY

(CrossesR.toWOMPER.)Walls',who'sgoingtobethenewchairmanoftheboardasifIdidn'tknow?

(BIGGLEYlooksL.ALLOFFICEPERSONNELstageL.SplitL.andR.,isolatingFINCH.)

FINCH

Justamoment.Idon'tknowifIcanaccept.I'llhavetoconsultMrs.Finch.

(SMITTYcrossesL.belowFINCHtoGIRLSD.L.)

SMITTYRosemary,yourhusbandiscallingyou.#24a–Hallelujah! (Girls)

GIRLS(Singing) HALLELUJAH!(ROSEMARYentersL.,crossestoFINCHC.)

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FINCH

Rosemary,I'vegotabigdecisiontomake.Theywanttomakemechairmanofthehoard.Whatdoyouthink?

ROSEMARYDarling,Idon'tcareifyouworkinthemailroomoryou'rechairmanoftheboardoryou'rePresidentoftheUnitedStates,Iloveyou.

FINCH(Turnsfront)Saythatagain.

ROSEMARYIloveyou.

FINCHNo,beforethat.

BIGGLEYMissJones...

(MISSJONEScrossesD.L.ofBIGGLEY.HecrossesD.)...takeawiretotheWhiteHouse:"Watchout!"#35–Finale(TheCompanyWay)(EntireCompany)

ALLWEPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY;EXECUTIVEPOLICY

(ScaffoldrisesoutsidewindowsU.S.withBUDholdingcopyof"HowTo"book.)

ISBYUSOKAY.THOUGHFORTHEDEPARTEDWESHEDAMOURNFULTEAR;WHOEVERTHECOMPANYFIRES,WEWILLSTILLBEHERE!

#35–Bows (EntireCompany)

ALLOH,AREN'TYOUPROUDTOBEINTHATFRATERNITY;THEGREAT,BIGBROTHERHOODOFMAN?

#36–ExitMusic (Orchestra)

THEEND