HOW TO MAKE AN AWESOME BEST MAN SPEECH · HOW TO MAKE AN AWESOME BEST MAN SPEECH ... the entire wedding. ... of the speeches of the greats (Churchill, MLK, JFK,

HOW TO MAKE AN AWESOME BEST MAN SPEECH

A GUIDE FROM THE GUYS AT GROOMGROOvE.COM

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First, the Good News.

It’s going to be easy to learn how to make a best man speech,

and after reading this book, you’re going to be much more

comfortable doing so. We’re going to teach you how.

If you’re a single guy, being the best man and delivering a

show-stopping best man speech could score you a hot date.

And from the taken man and his newly wedded wife? Tears of

joy, congratulations, admiration and gratitude, certainly from your

own wife or girlfriend, and assorted others, respectively. Guys,

this is a win-win scenario if ever we saw one!

Even if you’ve never made a speech in your life, we’re going to

show you how to get the job done and look like a champ.

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WIN!

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What We Cover

What Do They Want From You

Five Things That Make a Great Speech

How to Identify Your Audience

Creating Your Best Man Speech

A Sample Outline and Speech

The Difference Between a Best Man Speech and a Toast

How to include a Toast

Stories are made for telling…

Making the Audience Laugh

Practice Makes Perfect. Or at least pretty damned good anyway

How to be cool, calm and collected even if inside your heart is pounding

The Order of Events

GO Time

Avoid These 5 Best Man Speech Traps

Expecting The Unexpected

Translating this Stuff into real life

A selection of freshly canned jokes for the best man

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What Do They Want From You?

Why you?The groom called you up or sat you down and asked you to be his best man. You may have been chosen because you’re the groom’s brother, cousin, best friend, oldest friend, former wingman or only friend he could trust to do the job right. You’re prob-ably honored to be the best man and thrilled at the prospect of planning the bachelor party!

You’re probably only going to be the best man once or twice in your life, for buddies that you probably have spent some quality time with. And while planning the bach-elor party is one of the best parts of the job, other parts – like the speech – have been known to leave many a best man grasping to maintain his dignity.

As the best man, you’ll be expected to make pretty much the most important speech of the entire wedding. This is your time to shine.

For this you’ll need to take a trip down memory lane, have a beer and get a little bit sentimental, organize your thoughts, and practice, practice, practice once you’ve got them all down. When you’ve done all the necessary preparation, it’ll be time to stand and deliver.

What do they want from you?The idea behind your speech is to create a healthy balance of roast and toast. You’ll want to be humorous, engaging, congratulatory

and make all the ladies say “Awww” at least once. The main

lady you’ll want to impress (love her or just plain tolerate her) is

the bride. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. With this speech

you will honor the groom and his bride (aka, the newlyweds)

and you will not make an ass of yourself.

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Here’s a rundown of the things that most great speeches have:

• They are well-researched

• They have a solid structure

(beginning, middle, and end),

• There is plenty of emotion/

sincerity behind them

• There is usually a personal

story tied to it – (aka an

anecdote).

• There is a strong theme that

is introduced and repeated

with room to build.

• They usually are damn good

looking men. Most of us — me

included — fail hard here.

It’s probably been a while since you’ve made a speech. In fact, the last time you were called upon to do so was in sixth grade, it was an embarrassing experience, and some other kid (geek!) was the top speaker. But – believe it or not – you have within you the ability to make a back-slapping, tear-jerking, date-yield-ing speech. Follow us, and follow the greats.

The good news is that you’re not trying to convince a nation to go to war with this one, but if you look at all of the speeches of the greats (Churchill, MLK, JFK, Lincoln), you can start to see patterns emerge: the things that time and time again make for a show-stopping speech.

Mimicking the Greats

1. Structure

Road trips in college are awesome, because they’re an adventure often perhaps with a destination but no sense of urgency. Speeches that are like road trips? Not so much. Your speech will be much less effective if you launch into a longwinded, sentimental story (“So there was this time, once, back in 2002 or so when Ben and I - at least I think it was Ben - and we had this car…”) and then abruptly close with a toast to the bride and groom.

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“My father gave me these hints on speech-making: ‘Be sincere...

be brief... be seated.’”- James Roosevelt


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Take the time to tell the guests what you are about to say, have some anecdotes pre-pared, then sum everything up before raising your glass to the newlyweds.

The easier you make it for your audience to follow, the more effective your speech will be. More on that later.

2. Research

In your case, research is all about reminiscing and putting into words some of the memories you’d like to share in this speech. Since some of these might be from long ago, far away, or clouded in a haze of collegiate six-packery, it’s important that you remember (or confirm with friends and family who can attest to) the dates, names and places that factor into your anecdote(s).

3. Emotion/Sincerity

Since the groom chose you above every other “man” candidate in his life, we’re guess-ing you guys are pretty tight. Even if the majority of your thick-as-thieves days lie in the past, you probably have at least some great shared memories that get you kind of choked up from time to time when you think of them. (You don’t have to admit it to us.) Pranks, heartbreaks, near-death adventures…these are the times you want to draw on for the sense of emotion that every great speech calls for. Say some nice things about the groom, and what kind of a guy he is to you. We’ll help you spit it out later.

4. Anecdotes

These are the stories that zoom in from general to personal to illustrate your friendship with the groom. Just imagine someone interviewing you and asking you for the stories that best describes who you are to the groom and vice versa. The answer to that question should give you your anecdotes

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5. Theme.

A theme may be a little bit more advanced than you need or want to be with this speech, but you’ll find that most great speeches have them. Just like the hook of your favorite song, a theme in a great speech is introduced early and is repeated strategically throughout. You don’t need to get all “Life is like a box of chocolates” on this crowd if it feels phony to you (because it will feel phony to your audience), but if you think of a theme that really runs through the whole of your speech, use it.

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Identify YourAudience

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Who are these people, why are they

staring at me, and why am I turning

red in the face?You may have had to make a speech or give a presentation at some point in school or at work. In this case, your audience was a healthy mix of colleagues, friends, enemies, and mostly harmless and indifferent faces. A wedding audience is no different. (Although hopefully there are no enemies present and you definitely not be receiving any kind of grade, promotion or demotion based on this speech.)

It’s not uncommon for you to feel allied with the groom’s “team” since you’re likely to be more familiar with his friends and family than the bride’s. But know that everyone is rooting for you. People actually do look forward to the best man’s speech and everyone will feel con-nected to your speech in their own way.

Weddings come in two flavors: laid back and stuffyCouples these days plan beach destination weddings, decadent weddings at hotels complete with harps and expensive flowers and everything in between. Whatever the case may be, you’ll want to find out the type of wedding before you write the speech. The type of speech you’d give next to the grill in the bride’s back yard is not necessarily the same speech you’d give in the banquet hall of four-star hotel. We’re talking the level of

“The type of speech

you’d give next to the

grill in the bride’s back

yard is not necessarily

the same speech you’d

give in the banquet hall

of four-star hotel.”

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Identify YourAudience (con’t)

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formality here, and it will only make your life easier to take the temperature before you put pen to paper. The speech we suggest here is perfectly suited for any occasion – but you should be careful not to be too lowbrow with the roasting of the groom.

The who’s whoOne of the most important things to consider about the content of your speech is which people stand to be most er..offended by it. Find out whether there will be children and grandparents present. If Grandma and Tommy Jr., the little ring-bearer, are going to be planted in the front rows, you’re going to want to keep the rating to PG-13.

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Creating YOUR Best Man Speech

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The time has come to set yourself up for a grand slam of a best man speech. This is kind of like grilling when you’re choosing your meats and marinating them. The more thorough you are about how those steaks are prepared, the more delicious they’re going to be when they come sizzling off the grill.

The Skeleton: Creating the Structure of Your SpeechThere is a basic structure to every awesome best man speech and it

goes something like this:

I. Tell them WHO you are.

II. Tell them WHAT you are going

to tell them.

III. Tell them THREE stories, linking

them together.

a. How you know the groom

b. A funny “flaw” of the groom

c. What makes the groom a great guy

IV. Propose a toast to the

Groom or Newlyweds.

If you simply make a speech following this outline, you’re going to deliver the “best” best man speech anyone has heard. It’s deceptively simple.

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Creating YOUR Best Man Speech (con’t)

Before we move forward, read this next paragraph closely. It’s the

secret sauce to any good speech.

You probably noticed item II above – “Tell them WHAT you’re going to tell

them.” And you might have skipped over it, thinking about crazy nights

back in college or getting arrested. (Ahh – memories.) But the most impor-

tant part of your speech is to tell the audience in advance what the heck

you’re going to cover.

You may doubt us and wonder what’s the point of telling your audience

what you’re about to tell them in your speech before you actual tell them.

The reason is because most people don’t do that, and that is exactly why

people tune out after 30 seconds.

Nobody will pay attention to you rambling on and on if they think there is

no destination.

Tell them where you’re going. Summarize your outline in one or two sen-

tences. If you tell them in advance, they’ll know what to expect, and will

pay attention because they know that you’ve got an organized mind, and

speech.

Just Do it.

Here’s how to put it all together:

Write the Speech Structure, Only

First, come up with your anecdotes – three of them. Answer the following: 1. How do you know the groom and for how long? 2. What is a funny flaw about the groom?

• “He’s a klutz” “You may not know, but he’s a worry wart.”

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3. Why is the groom a great friend for you?

Put down a few highlights, on paper. Just keywords that will cue a memory for you– don’t sit down and write the whole speech. In other words, these highlights are the flesh on this skeleton. We have a whole chapter dedicated to anecdotes, below.

Speak Your Speech, Out Loud

The next step is to read your outline as if you were telling a couple of stories to someone you wanted to impress. Like your boss. Or a woman whose opinion you respect or think highly of, like your girlfriend. Show some enthusiasm. If you were trying to impress a girl, you’d deliver the stories in a funny way, and you’d be succinct. You wouldn’t waffle, meandering around like a jerk. Get your stories straight.

Create a One-Page Outline Your Speech

Once you’ve got your speech reasonably well crafted in your head, and you’ve spo-ken it out loud, put some more meat on the bones by creating a one-page outline of your speech. This still means you won’t be writing it out word for word. You should bring your one-page outline of your speech with you to the mic. (If you glance down at your sheet of paper when the time comes to make the speech, the words “Dan is the worst driver you could ever ride in a car with…” will spur a 30 second anecdote that you’ve already spoken out loud numerous times.)

So what goes in the outline? Take a look at the first page in this chapter and fill in a few more keywords. You’re also going to need key sentences. Key sentences are men-tal cues that will help you get from point A to point G in a speech. They’ll serve as memory joggers. We’ll cover transitioning sentences immediately below.


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Create Key and Transitioning Sentences

If you followed our advice – and you’re going to follow our advice aren’t you? – you’ll have mapped out the contents of your speech in the introduction. The mapping is just one sentence that tells people what you’re going to tell them. But if you’ve noticed, there aren’t obvious transitions from story to story within your speech. You have to guide the transitions yourself.

Follow the sample speech to see some transitions, or use the following transition to spur some creativity:

Mapping Sentence: Today I want to tell you about how I met Greg back in little league baseball, a little story about how bad a driver he really is, but despite all of that, by the end of my speech you’ll know why

he’s a great friend to me, and I’m honored to be his best man.

First Anedote: “ First, I want to share with you how I met Greg.” I first met Greg [story]

Transition: “Now that you know how we met, let me tell you a bit about how bad a driver he is, and how he can’t parallel park to save his life…[story]” park to save his life…[story]”

Transition: “I don’t want you to think that just because he can’t parallel park, that he’s not a good guy. Well, the truth is, other than his driving, he’s been a great friend to me. Here’s why…[story]”

Putting It All Together

If you find that you can consistently get through the speech smoothly just using the expanded outline, then you’re golden, friend. No need to get more specific. But if you have a tendency to ramble or forget things when you get nervous, it’s different.

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It’s one thing to give a flawless performance to your dog over the coffee table and another thing nail a speech in front of a hundred people all dressed to the nines. Practice giving the speech a few different ways with this formula as your guide.

If you just plain feel like you’re fumbling around in the dark every time you work from your outline, it might be a good idea to write the speech out. Just keep in mind that when it comes to the actual delivery (and we’ll cover this in a minute or two) you can’t just bury your head and read it like an elaborate birthday card that someone else gave. You’ll still need to make eye contact and address specific people and all that intimidating stuff.

In sum - between 5 pages nicely typewritten, or 3 pages of your crappy handwriting, or one, short, sweet simple speech outline--go with what works for you. But the outline will make for the most engaging speech.


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Here’s a sample outline for a speech, followed by parts of the speech itself. I wrote the outline in a way that you might want to write it. Maybe you need more words on the paper, or maybe you need less words on the paper. It’s up to you.

1. GOOD EVENING EVErYONE. MY NAME IS BLAkE AND I HAVE THE HONOr

OF BEING GrEG’S BEST MAN TODAY Or TONIGHT.

It’s an outline, but you can still write out helpful sentences to get you started.

2. INTrO, TELL YOU 3 THINGS ABOUT BLAkE

How I came to know him, how he’s a total klutz, by the end of my speech

tonight, you’ll know why he’s the greatest friend I have.

3. FIrST, HOW I came to kNOW HIM

a. Bluevale regional High School Football TrY OUTS

(Look down at your paper, and in big font are keyword memory cues.)

b. Coach ryan getting Blake to fill WATEr BOTTLES

c. Cheerleaders thought Blake GEEk, except for one (the Bride)

4. SECOND, TOTAL kLUTZ

a. Constantly TrIPPING OVEr HIS FEET STOrY

b. STITCHES STOrY: Driving 1982 Oldsmobile into a ditch while

parallel parking, bumping his head on the driver window

5. FINALLY – TOP 5 rEASONS GrEATEST GUY I kNOW

a. ONE OF THE BOYS

b. VErY POSITIVE

c. A GrEAT SOUrCE OF ADVICE

d. WOULD DrOP ANYTHING TO HELP A FrIEND OUT

e. LEADS BY EXAMPLE

Sample Outline and Speech

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Sample Outline and Speech (con’t)

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The full speech below is written in full sentences as if the best man was speaking it, so that you can see the transition sentences.

Good evening everyone. My name is Greg, and I have the honor of being

Blake’s best man.

With a strong introduction, not a weak mumble, you’ll have everyone’s atten-

tion. Stick that chest out.

Tonight I want to tell you a little bit about the guy who’s trying to show

me up in his tuxedo over there: the groom himself. I want to tell you

three things that you might not know about Blake. First, I’ll tell you how

I came to know him, back when we we’re trying to make it in the big

leagues of high school football. Second, I’ll tell you how I learned the

hard way that he’s a total klutz. But most importantly, by the end of my

little talk tonight, you’ll know why he’s the greatest friend a guy could

have.

You’ve told the audience what to expect, and where you’re going with this

speech. You’ll have them in the palm of your hand, because they’ll be waiting to

hear what’s next.

I first met Greg when we tried out for our high school football team, to-

gether. We both made the cut, but…[FUNNY STOrY]

And that’s how I came to meet Greg, a “champion” football player.

Most of the guests won’t know how you know the groom. It’s a nice story and a

time killer. Add some humor and people will laugh and listen.

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Now, many of you will know that Greg is quite the brainiac, being an ac-

countant and all. But most of you don’t know that he is actually the big-

gest klutz. I’m really happy he didn’t trip as he walked out of the church

today. There’s no bigger example of his klutz factor than…

[FUNNY STOrY]

Roasting the groom. It’s a tradition. Easy does it.

Now, despite the ten stitches, and sitting in the emergency room for ten

hours, Greg’s still the greatest guy I know. His ego is going to balloon up

a bit here, but here’s my very own Top Five List of why.

End it with reasons why your buddy is a great guy. There won’t be a dry eye in

the room. The ladies will see you as the strong but sensitive best man. You’re in!

And with that, ladies and gentlemen, would you please raise your

glasses and join me in a toast, to the Groom.


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Prep time

How far in advance should you begin to prepare your speech? The answer is about two weeks before the wedding. Start much earlier and it might not be as fresh in your mind – kind of like that amazing pizza you decided to put in the fridge for later and promised yourself you’d eat and then…totally forgot about it. Start much later than that and you might find yourself scrambling for ideas, without having set aside time to practice. Give yourself two weeks. It’ll take less than thirty minutes to get it all set up.

Wing it?

If you’re the type of guy who isn’t fazed by jumping out of an airplane, you might be tempted to abandon the outline altogether and just step up to the mic, glass in hand, and wing this speech. Don’t. There’s no possible way to predict the perfect storm of cocktails, strange looks, and expectant faces, and before you know it, that few min-utes is history. Trust us on this one. At the very least, have an outline at the ready.

(Not Long)

How long should your speech be? Everybody wants to hear everything you have to say about the bride and groom, and everybody also wants to taste that champagne and get some serious ass-shaking on. Accordingly, the target length of your speech should be somewhere between 2 and 5 minutes. That may seem like an eternity but it will go by super fast if you’re prepared.

Thanking people

This is when outlining comes in real handy. Ever seen an actor give an acceptance speech at the Academy Awards or Grammy’s and forget to thank their own signifi-cant other? That’s when having and referring to an outline would have saved them from the dog house. You won’t make that same mistake. No, you’ll have a list with


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all the necessary thanks, congrats, acknowledgments, and all the necessary people to thank, congratulate and acknowledge so that nothing gets left out. Dog houses are for dogs.

Cue cards, paper or your own memory?

You make the call based on your own comfort level and based on preliminary practice with your outline. If you go the paper route, writing the full speech out, (better if you’re the nervous type) or outline – make sure to number your pages. If a breeze comes in off the bay, you’ll be able to find you place again in just a second. Also, whether it’s a written speech or an outline, choose a clear font that’s bigger than 12 point and give it plenty of space between lines so that you’re not straining to see the words.


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You can’t have one without the other.

When someone tells you that you’re expected to give a speech and someone else says you’re supposed to give a toast for this wedding, most of the time (and you can exhale now) what they mean is that you should include a toast at the end of your speech. In certain circles and countries outside of North America, when someone refers to a wedding “toast” they’re talking about what we know as a wedding speech. The two are basi-cally one and the same.

A toast in North America is like a mini-speech. It’s a salute, a well-wishing to the bride and groom and their families, and usually it involves champagne. Sometimes, because champagne can be pretty expensive, the bride and groom will stick to wine, beer, and/or mixed drinks, and the best man will toast with whatever delicious, nerve-taming beverage he’s got. Or you might want to have the bar stocked with non-alcoholic beverages for non-drinkers and the children—they want to be part of the toast too, you know, and they should be included.

The Difference Between a Best Man Speech and a Toast

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If you’ve done a decent job telling people who you are, what you’re going to tell them, including some heartfelt anecdotes about the groom, you’re ready to include a toast to end your speech.

Now, some people, apparently stuck in the 19th century suggest that you include something ridiculous, like this:

May the stars of a thousand galaxies shine in celebration of your love. To the bride and groom, as they journey together on an incredible trajectory, together. May they grasp at the stars. And fall miserably short.

Who says that? I don’t, nor do you. If you pull that stuff out, you’re going to be laughed at or at least, people will think you’re weird.

Chances are, you’re going to stumble over these words. And chances are that it’s not going to mesh well with the earlier parts of your speech, where you roasted the groom about his amazing ability to embarrass himself.

So be real, and keep it simple. It’s your speech, and the story that you tell, that people care about, not the words of the toast, and certainly not the words of a toast that’s sappy, full of clichés and someone else wrote for you anyway.

So…uhh, well - I’ll write one for you that’s easy.

How to Include a Toast

So be real, and keep it simple.

It’s your speech, and the story that

you tell, that people care about, not

the words of the toast...

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The “Simple Says It Best” Wedding Toast

First – finish your speech. Then say...

With that, ladies and gentleman, would you please raise your glasses, and join me in a toast.

[Then pause as people lift their glasses.]

Then say:

To the bride and groom.

How to Include a Toast (con’t)

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Ahhh, story time! We’ve enjoyed story time since we were little kids…only this time the kids are all grown up and hold-ing a nice cold adult beverage in their hands. Your audience is primed and ready to hear some funny, engaging – and dare we say it – touch-ing stories of male bonding that you’ve got locked away in your memory. And the first step is unlocking the door to that memory. Sometimes the perfect yarn comes tumbling out no sweat and sometimes you have to work for it. The guys at Groom Groove have done a little work for you to make the load a little lighter.

Trip down memory lane

Allow yourself to reminisce for a few minutes. Do a quick mental scan of all the good and bad memories you have of the groom over the years. What story stands out that illustrates your bond with the guy who’s getting hitched? No doubt you’ve got at least a dozen and not all of them stories that should never, ever be shared in public, let alone when Agnes, the groom’s grandmother and/or mother of the bride is all ears.

If you have trouble thinking of the right one or you find it’s all kind of a blur, here are some ideas of stories that might fit the bill:

• How you and the groom met

• A trip you took together

Stories Are Made For Telling...

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• A sport or something you and the groom have done together over the years that has bonded you

• Adventures breaking things, together. Vandalism, intentional or not is a common anecdote

• A time in life when one of you helped the other out in a pinch

• A story about observing your friend as he met and fell in love with the bride (at least we hope that happened at some point…)

• How the groom used to be and how he has changed (for the better; even if this is a tall tale, this is the one you gotta tell) since meeting the bride

• If no specific story springs to mind, think of how to describe the groom’s best qualities and how you’ve observed them over the years. This, plus something nice about the bride (if nothing else, how much the groom loves and cares about her and vice versa), equals a pretty satisfactory speech. Make ‘em cry, buddy!

The Bride

You might be best friends with the bride or you might not have picked her in a mil-lion years for the groom, but either way, it’s wise to keep away from any negative bride talk in this speech. We hope that the bride – especially if you do know and like her – is not totally immune to a harmless ribbing just because she’s wearing a tiara. If you’re hesitant to get direct, go with something that pokes fun at both the bride and the groom – like humor about “who wears the pants in the relationship.”

Oh yeah, and this is really important: leave anything about ex-girlfriends or ex-wives out of this speech. We say this for your own safety; when thrown in just the right way, little white wedding shoe heels can do some serious damage.

Stories Are Made For Telling... (con’t)

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You could get up and steer the ship that is your best man speech due north without incident (say a few nice things about the bride and groom and raise a glass), then hightail it back to your seat, OR you could give a speech with some character that people might actually remember in the morning.

What’s the difference? A memorable speech will not only be sincere, structured, and practiced; it will also have some humor in it. This might be a challenge for a robot but luckily you’re 100% human and we humans like to laugh above all and make other humans laugh, too. What kind of humor does this speech need?

Humor v. Jokes. What’s the diff?

A joke has its own structure. There’s a setup and a punch line. At the end of a joke, you want to hear your audience laugh out loud. Humor, on the other hand, is subtle and woven into your speech. It’s probably just you making a few quips along the way

in your speech that, in context, are funny or your delivery (pause) or your timing.

Something like: “Well, we’re all lucky he shaved that mustache, aren’t we?”

In context, this kind of humor, perfected by Jerry Seinfeld is of-ten much funnier than canned jokes. Humor is the witty flair that

spices things up and keeps everyone awake. Humor should make people smile and nod – maybe even chuckle - but not necessarily do a spit-take with

their gin and tonic. It’s great to have both.

How much humor is the right amount?

You know those meatheads who have totally ripped abs and huge arms and then scrawny little legs? That’s how some speeches can end up if you don’t make an effort to balance and fill them out from start to finish. This means,

Make ‘em laugh, Make ‘em laugh!

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instead of exhausting all of your winks at the beginning of the speech or surprising everyone with sudden humor at the end (“Oh, this guy’s funny now?”), sprinkling humor evenly throughout the speech’s beginning, middle and end works best. If your speech is three to five minutes long, finding five places for humor is plenty. (One at the beginning, two in the middle, and one at the end.) If you have a humor-ous speech, you don’t necessarily need to use jokes. But if you do use jokes in your speech, you’ll want ease up on the humor. A trying-too-hard-to-be-funny speech (un-less you’re a known storyteller) can seem insincere.

Jokes

Not every guy on Earth can be the next Seinfeld, let’s face it. Most of us need to think long and hard about something that might be funny, write that thing down, and practice it many, many times to make sure we don’t bomb. Or, we’d rather just have some good jokes fed our way. Don’t worry - if this is you, you’re in good company.

Do you need jokes?

Humor is key and humor will get you pretty far, but if you want to take your speech to the next level, you’ll need at least one or two good jokes in the mix. These will serve to punctuate.

Are you funny by nature?

If you’re known as a funny guy and there’s more evidence to support this than just your mom telling you, then you’re off to a good start. The people who know you will expect you to be yourself. This speech will be an occasion to unleash an arsenal of your finest laugh-makers.

If you’re more reserved, this will be an occasion to surprise them all. Sometimes the most memorable speeches come from the people you least expect to make you roll

Make ‘em laugh, Make ‘em laugh! (con’t)

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in the aisles. The impact is multiplied when the speech is well-rehearsed, making the delivery effortless.

Jokes aren’t like beer; it is better to have none at all than to have mediocre/bad ones. Choose wisely, man. We’ve got some tips on how to do just that.

Canned Jokes That Don’t Reek of AluminumBecause most of us aren’t trained comedians or comedy writers, the guys at Groom Groove (one of whom is a pro comedian by the by) have created a selection of fresh-ly-canned wedding jokes that you can have (don’t mention it) and substitute your own names in. (Please scroll to the end of the book for the complete list of jokes.) We won’t tell a soul...

The key to telling a joke is to have some link to the rest of the stories you’re telling about the groom. (Remember, the three anecdotes about how you met, a character flaw and what makes the groom a good guy? Go back and read it!)

Here’s an example.

Let’s say you are making the point that the groom was often a bit slick with the ladies – or at least he thought he was.

“Well, we’re all glad that Greg has settled down, and found Barb. That’s not to say he was a wild child, but he was a charming guy back in the day, even at the age of seven when he was flirting with our elementary school teacher, Mrs. Smith. It reminds me of a conversation I had with Barb a few months before the wedding. She asked me what to have engraved on Greg’s wedding ring. Barb said: “I want something that has meaning and will remind him of me.” I paused for a second, thought about it and said: “How about: ‘PUT IT BACK ON!”

Whether you find this funny or not (and I do!) the point is not to give a grocery list of canned jokes, but to find jokes that work for your anecdotes.

Make ‘em laugh, Make ‘em laugh! (con’t)

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This speech is all you, but don’t forget that you won’t be the only one speaking at the wedding. If you’ve practiced, you’re poised to deliver a standout speech. If you haven’t, your speech will stand out in a different way. So take a page out of the Larry Bird playbook and practice this one.

Once you’ve got your speech in written down (whether it’s in an outline, on cue

cards, written out word for word on five sheets of 8 x 11, or set to memory), it’s time to

practice this thing in the shower, in the car, and for your cousin at halftime on Sunday.

Make sure you practice out loud, rather than in your head, and practice with an audi-ence even if it’s just an audience of one, like your girlfriend or wife. Or both of them together!!! Badum-bum! Let’s move on. Each time you practice, go the full distance, without stopping to say, “Wait, should I really say that??” Get through your speech at least three times before the wedding, but ideally as many times it takes to feel com-fortable—but not TOO many times as to be bored with it.

The more you practice, believe it or not, the more natural sounding your speech will be, the more confident you’ll appear and thus, as W.C. Fields used to say the more likely you’ll deliver a real barn burner.

Practice Makes Perfect. Or at least Pretty Damned Good Anyway

“I don’t know if I practiced more than anybody, but I sure practiced enough. I still wonder if somebody

-somewhere - was practicing more than me.” – Larry Bird

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The Microphone

In a battle with the microphone, the mic always wins. Many people are unfamiliar us-ing a microphone correctly. Most of us just don’t have an occasion to use one. That’s why it’s a great idea to do a little practice with one, if possible. If not, tell the wed-ding emcee that you need to get a feel for the mic before showtime. You can always use the time-honored tapping on the mic and ask “Is this thing on”? This technique is also effective if your jokes are bombing. If you can do this prior to the ceremony or the reception before anyone arrives at the venue, that’s perfect.

The important things to establish with the mic are:

1. The best sound level for the room

2. A comfortable distance between you and the mic so that you’re not

kissing it out of nervousness or holding it at an arm’s length like

some kind of explosive device. remember: the mic is your friend!

3. A relaxed stillness without any fidgeting, which can cause sound

problems.

4. The crazy, loud reverb that comes out of a mic happens when

the mic and the speaker projecting the mic’s sound, are too close

together. Move the mic. Or yourself.

Practice Makes Perfect. Or at least Pretty Damned Good Anyway (con’t)

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Stage fright is real and can affect even the most seasoned speakers or actors. Here’s how to beat it.

Everybody gets nervous

The best speechmakers in the world get nervous at times. They get as nervous as a quarterback before the big game. But like Brett Favre, they channel their nerves into their performance. They turn fear into victory. The point is that everybody gets ner-vous, so accept it! You’re scared? Speak clearer, slower and project!

Breathing

Proper breathing might be the single most important thing you can do while making your speech. Not only will you stay alive, but it is also the first thing that tends to go out the window when you get nervous. Make a point of taking a good deep breath before your speech, as you walk up to the podium to make your speech. Let your breathing calm your racing heart a little bit. This will also help you maintain a com-fortable and sustainable pace while you’re speaking.

If You’re Tense

If you’re tense, you’ll know it, because your delivery will not feel natural. You’ll feel like your tuxedo collar is tight around your neck. Your speech flow will be interrupted, kind of like when you’re called upon to say something in a meeting, but were unprepared. Did we mention breathing? Slow down, release that death grip on the mic or the rostrum and laugh a little. In fact, the first thing you might want to say to get the audience on your side is to admit that you’re nervous.

How to be cool, calm and collected even if your heart is pounding audibly

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Before saying anything else, say:

“Oh wow, am I ever nervous. I mean, where did all of you come from!”

It’s a canned joke but the audience will laugh, you’ll relax a bit, and then you can get on with your speech.

Nervous ticks

Playing with your ring. Playing with the Mic. Playing with your papers. Eye twitches, lip twitches, lip chewing, frequent throat clearing, coughing, nervous laughing, shaky hands, repetitive gesturing, voice cracking, sudden, dramatic pitch modulation. Ev-erybody’s got something. The trick is to be aware of what your particular tick is so that you can catch yourself as soon as you feel it coming on. Don’t touch the damn mic, and quit folding and refolding your papers!

Eye contact

A speech with no eye contact is creepy. Whether you’ve practiced or not, it reeks of something you scrawled on the way to the ceremony and you’re now reading for the first time. Make eye contact as frequently as possible with as much of the audience as possible. You don’t need to look right into their eyes. In fact, that’s probably going to throw you off a bit. The trick isn’t really to look at the back of the room (creepy) or over their heads (obvious). The trick is to look through them, kinda of like when you’re having a conversation with someone but you’re not really paying attention to them. From afar, every guest will think you’re looking right at them. But you’re not.

How to be cool, calm and collected even if your heart is pounding audibly (con’t)

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Gesturing

If you’re holding a mic, one of your hands will be clutching (for dear life?) to it. That leaves you with one idle hand and up to five minutes to do something with that hand. Don’t feel pressure to use stiff politician-esque gestures that feel unnatural to you. Gestures result naturally when you’re making every effort to communicate some-thing you care about and words aren’t enough. If gesturing is not something you do as second nature, there’s nothing wrong with putting one hand in a pocket until it’s time for the toast.

If the mic is holding itself, don’t touch the thing. The easiest thing to do is death grip the sides of the podium. Once you get your first laugh, you’ll be just fine.

Elucidate. It’s not just a fancy word.

“Elucidation” is just a ten-dollar word for speaking clearly and with purpose. Don’t mumble into the mic, don’t “read” your speech out loud – present it, and present it like you know the subject matter, because you do. Don’t be too soft and force your audi-ence to strain for your words; command attention by clearly projecting all the way to the back of the room.

Project an Air of Confidence

Audiences can smell nervousness like sharks smell blood in the water. Some of them may be looking for you to fail just for cheap laughs! You can nip that in the bud by projecting an air of confidence, even if you’re not entirely so. In other words, “Act as if ” you’re a seasoned pro, even if you aren’t –which chances is true! Projecting confidence means speaking loud enough to capture the audience’s attention, smil-ing, breathing and presenting your speech with the comfort of that you know it cold.


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If you’re crumpled over the podium with your head down, reading your speech, it isn’t going to end well for you. Stick your chest out and stand up proudly—but stay relaxed at the same time. Engage your abs (we all have them.)

There’s a wedding rehearsal for a reason. Nobody wants to go into this show cold, and the best man’s speech is no different. You’ve got a little bit of investigative work to do in order to establish a clear coast. The good news is it shouldn’t take much and it shouldn’t take long.


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The Order of Events

There’s a wedding rehearsal for a reason. Nobody wants to go into this show cold, and the best man’s speech is no different. You’ve got a little bit of investigative work to do in order to establish a clear coast. The good news is it shouldn’t take much and it shouldn’t take long.

First know your peeps

Introduce yourself to the Master of Ceremonies (MC) at the earliest opportunity. The MC can be your closest ally. Or if you tick him off, he’ll rag you mercilessly. He or she will typically run the show and will be the one to cue the commencement of the speeches. If there is no MC, there should be a wedding band front man in charge of the mic. And if not a band man, then find out from the groom who will be in charge. If nobody is in charge, it’s every man for himself and maybe you won’t be called upon to make a speech—which would be a damned shame after all this work!

When to you get yourself out of the john and into mic range

In some weddings, the best man will toast the groom first; but traditionally, the Father of the Bride will speak before you. Find out before wedding day from either the wedding MC or the groom what the order will be. This will help you avoid being called on when you’re off-guard or off chasing that hot cousin of the bride.

The Order of Events

Traditional wedding speech order:

1. Father of the bride

2. Groom

3. Best man

Alternative order:

1. Best man to the groom

2. Maid of honor to the bride

3. Father of the groom to the bride

4. Father of the bride to the groom

5. Bride

6. Groom

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It’s Game Time!

The joyous has finally arrived. The bachelor party has faded into distant memory (and videos posted on Facebook). You’ve made it this far. Congrats. Now it’s time to put your game face on and rock this speech. You ready? I can’t hear you!

Have everything you need in front of you

If you have any visual aids, don’t forget them. If you’ve opted to use cue cards or an outline, keep it in a safe place - like your tuxedo jacket pocket - and remember to bring it with you to the mic.

One key prop you should keep nearby but not use until the end of your speech is a glass of champagne for a champagne toast. The thing about champagne – delicious as it is – is that it is also equally expensive. For this reason, not every bride and groom will provide champagne. If there is no champagne, have your beverage of choice nearby. Feel free to set it down on the nearest flat surface, and then leave it there.

Preach what you practiced

The delivery of your speech should be the best version of the speech you’ve prac-ticed, no more, no less. Stick to the program. If you find that you don’t like the speech you gave, try a different approach the next time you’re a best man. But stick with the plan at all costs.

“Don’t do anything in

practice that you wouldn’t

do in the game.”

- George Halas, Chicago Bears

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It’s Game Time!(con’t)

Hiccups happen, man

Even if every one of your practice runs went flawlessly, nerves and other factors c an cause some hiccups when the time comes to deliver the speech for real. Go into wedding day knowing this and give yourself a break. No one expects perfection. Roll with it.

Don’t NASCAR through it

For some reason when humans get up in front of an audience with something impor-tant to say, we tend to morph into speed readers/speakers. Nerves get the best of us and before we have time to take a single breath, the speech is over. You are speaking much faster than you think you are speaking. It’s true. Slow that puppy down. It will also help you relax.

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Sometimes it’s easier to read a “Don’t” list, don’t you think? Common sense will get you far, and knowing what not to do will give you some parameters to put you at ease. So here it is: the top 5 best man speech traps to avoid at all costs:

1. Getting smashed before the speech

By all means, enjoy yourself. Have some a drink if that’s your thing. Have a few sips of your drink before you get up to speak. But like Clint says, every man has got to know his limitations so be careful out there. Maybe your date can keep one eye on you if she knows your signs. You should know your OWN signs. A slurred speech won’t be funny; it’ll be an insult to the bride and groom and the entire assemblage.) We repeat: Do not under any circumstances get bombed before the speeches begin. Not only will it make it harder to get everything in order and to give the speech the way you rehearsed it, it will also be caught on camera. Nobody wants to end up on YouTube for the wrong reasons…

2. The no-show/late show

If you’ve got all your ducks in a row, you already know when showtime will be. You know when the speeches will begin and when you will be “on deck”. (Although you could be first up, but you know that.) Armed with this knowledge, you can then plan your bathroom, smoke, conversation and bar trips accordingly. Don’t be a no-show or even a late show.

3. Comparing your speech to other speeches at the wedding

You have sole ownership of your speech and this speech is mainly from you to the groom as his best man. If you follow one or two standing ovation speeches, don’t let it get in your head. Plus, you practiced, right? You’ve got everything you need. This is not about you getting approval, remember?

Avoid These 5 Best Man Speech Traps

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4. Playing to only one crowd

Sometimes it’s more comfortable to stare at your girlfriend or your cousin Jesse than to address the entire audience. But try to lift your eyes and make the visual “rounds” throughout your speech.

5. Bachelor Party-worthy roasting. Insults and exclusions, inside jokes to the groom, excessive cursing, sexual jokes and revealing embarrassing secrets about the groom and/or bride are all things you should save for the bachelor party. My favorite line from a recent wedding from the best man was: “Well, I guess we know you’re not gay. Although I always wondered if you and {other groomsmen} were secretly lovers.” I don’t think Grandma thought it was funny. Nor did the other guests. Just think about what you might be bringing up for someone.

Avoid These 5 Best Man Speech Traps(con’t)

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You can practice all you want but don’t forget Murphy’s Law. When it comes to weddings, you are dealing with a ton of variables, not all of them in your control. Here are some of the things that could go wrong and how you can deal with them with class.

Cross-cultural wedding/unfamiliar customs

If the bride is from Bangladesh and the groom is from Boston, you’ve got a cross-cultural wedding on your hands. These are two very different cultures with differ-ent customs. Unless the bride and/or groom have communicated differently to you, chances are this shouldn’t affect your role as a key speech-maker. To be on the safe side, you can clear this with the marrying couple to avoid offending anyone. At a recent wedding, only one half of the crowd laughed along with the best man speech. The other half didn’t get any of the cultural or humor. Yikes.

The Tough Crowd

In the best case scenario, they’re going to love you. But be prepared for any kind of audience and don’t let the success of your speech ride on their reactions or lack thereof. Hey, if one of Jerry Seinfeld’s jokes can bomb in front of a packed house of adoring fans, so can yours. One tactic Conan O’Brien often leans on is to poke fun at his own joke if the crowd didn’t seem to go for it. This sometimes loosens the audience up for the next joke. How to do it? “I’ll be here all week, ladies and gentle-men…”

Sweat

You probably will. Even if it’s a wedding in January. The combination of lights, tux-edo apparel and nerves can get you glistening in no time. Deodorant/antiperspirant is a no-brainer. Feel free to hang your coat or tux jacket on the back of a chair for your speech if it will make you more comfortable. Just keep in mind that any big, sweeping gestures with your arms might reveal “pit stains”.

Expecting the Unexpected

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Technical difficulties

Unexpected storms, drunk aunts tripping over wires, and inexperienced MCs can re-sult in chaos. Don’t freak out if the lights or the mic go out. Be prepared to give the speech without these modern conveniences. Heck, that would be a pretty memorable speech, wouldn’t it? If there’s no microphone, you need to, um, speak louder. Project. You’ll be rewarded with a beer or three if that happens. Cheers!

Expecting the Unexpected (con’t)

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Before we unleash some pretty awesome jokes on you that you may or may not want to steal and incorporate into your speech, we want to show you how this best man speech stuff can actu-ally be used in your real life. And it’s not so far fetched at all.

When you’re making a best man speech, you’re not just telling stories. Whether your audience knows it or not, you are using the same structure that’s used by world leaders, corporate CEOs, champion debaters, et al. to convince other people of their arguments.

Your best man speech is not an argument, per se, but it’s the structure that’s the key point.

The key to making an effective argument is to forcefully and directly outline the points

you’re going to cover, and then hitting each of those points in turn. Don’t jump from point to point until you’re done with a particular idea. Don’t think that by being organized, you’re showing all of your cards at once. Not at all. By being organized you’re going to catch any negotiating foe off guard.

Here are some real life examples.

Translating This Stuff Into Real Life

Even a totally boring

subject becomes more

interesting if you’re not

on some crappy trip

with no end. Map out

your presentation for

your audience...

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Making A Powerpoint Presentation

If you’re making a Powerpoint presentation for work, instead of just jumping right into the meat of your presentation, include a slide that tells people what you’re going to cover. Or better yet, tell your audience what you’re going to cover, rather than just flash-ing up a table of contents.

If you’ve ever sat in a long, and boring, presentation, you’ll know that they seems to go on forever mostly because you don’t really know when it will end. Even a totally boring subject becomes more interesting if you’re not on some crappy trip with no end. Map out your presentation for your audience. And like a best man speech, keep it short and simple!

Asking for a Raise

If you really want a raise and you know—and the boss knows—that you deserve one, you’ve got to come prepared to make a good argument when you speak to your boss. Many a raise has been squashed by a weak-kneed, non-argument. You want to start that conversation by saying: “Boss, I want a raise, and I’m going to give you three reasons why.” Most of us aren’t taught how to communicate, and so we get interrupted and sidetracked before we can get our message out. And only later do we realize: “Oh, I forgot to say that to my boss!” If you don’t take control of the floor, your boss will. And you’re not going to get that raise.

Winning an Argument with a Co-Worker

If you’re trying to win an argument with a co-worker, the more methodical you are, the greater the chances you’ll win. And being methodical means providing a well-thought out grocery list of reasons why your point of view is better. The key is to be organized, and the speech structure in this book is a secret sauce that distinguishes the winners from the losers. Make your point fully and completely before moving along to the next point.

Translating This Stuff Into Real Life (con’t)

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The only real difference between making a Powerpoint presentation, asking for a raise or winning an argument with a co-worker compared to a best man speech is that there’s no toast at the end.

That’s about it!

Translating This Stuff Into Real Life (con’t)

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All right – below are a series of tried and true jokes that can be incorporated into any best man speech. As we’ve said before, that doesn’t mean you can just take the jokes as is and read them. No, you’ve got to incorporate them into your own speech and anecdotes.

Some of them fall into the category of “advice” to the groom, which you could use instead of one of the three anecdotes we suggested for your speech.

Either way – read ‘em and weep.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Before Barb and Greg got married they went for psychoanalysis to make sure they were compatible. Greg was done in a day, but Barb had to return for several more sessions. It wasn’t that Barb had any problems. It was just that when they had to go back to their childhood, it was easy for Greg because he was already there.

Greg and Barb recently went to the amusement park (Exhibition, Midway etc.). Greg didn’t like going on rides but Barb did, so she rode the ferris wheel by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly Barb was thrown out. Greg rushed over to her and asked her if she was hurt. “Of course I’m hurt” she said. “Three times around and you didn’t wave once.”

Some of you may not know it, but Greg and Barb are going camping on their honey-moon. So they thought they’d better practice. They bought a tent and set it up in

A Fine Selection of Freshly Canned Jokes for the Best Man

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the backyard. That night in the tent Barb decided to get a little frisky, and tried to give Greg the hint by saying, “Greg honey, it’s kind of cold in here.” He said, “Okay sugar, I’ll run in the house and get you a blanket.” Barb thought that he couldn’t be that stupid so she would try again. “Gregory, it’s still cold in here.” He said, “Okay sweetie I’ll run in the house and get you another blanket.” When he got back she de-cided to try a little more direct approach. So she said, “Greg, sweetums, let’s pretend we’re already married.” He said, “Sure, get your own damn blanket.”

My wife and I finally got around to making our will. We had to discuss who would get custody of our children. At supper we asked our four children, “If something happened to Mom and Dad, where would you like to go?” Our 8 year old shouted: “Hawaii!”

Greg recently attended a lecture a psychologist was giving to a group of men. “How many of you make love to your wives every night?” the psychologist asked. A few raised their hands. “Twice a week?” More hands. “Once a month?” Still more hands were raised. “Only once a year?” A man in the back row jumped up and eagerly shouted, “Me!” “So why are you so cheerful?” the therapist asked.

“BECAUSE TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT!”

Greg, it’s important for you to know there are three reasons why a woman buys something: One, nobody has one; two, everybody has one; and three, because.

If someone in the wedding party has a traditional name (or odd name), use this joke if they are good natured. The best man was walking in the park and found a very preg-nant woman going into labor. He helped her to the hospital. She was so grateful she said to him: I’m going to name my son after you. By the way, what’s your name? The

A Fine Selection of Freshly Canned Jokes for the Best Man (con’t)

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best man said, “Clarence.” She paused. “Do you have a middle name?”

My wife always says to me. “You stare at every pretty girl you see. You forget we’re married.” I said: “You’re wrong. That’s when I remember it.”

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to see a dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocain because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was truly impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman. Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to the husband saying, “Show him your tooth dear.”

Wife: “There’s a problem with the car. It has water in the carburetor.” Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” Wife: “I’m telling you that the car has water in the carburetor!” Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?” Wife: “In the swimming pool.”

“You don’t have anything in your head except baseball,” said a wife to her husband. “I’m sure you’ve even forgotten when we got married.” “Of course I haven’t forgot-ten,” the husband answered. “That was the day the Yankees beat Boston to make it to the playoffs.”

Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.

What’s the difference between husbands and savings bonds? At least bonds mature.

How do you know that your husband is planning for the future? He buys two cases


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of beer instead of just one.

How many husbands does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We’re not sure, it’s never happened.

I’ve got some advice for the groom. If you really want the last word in an argument, try saying, “I guess you’re right.”

Marriage just isn’t a word...it’s a sentence.

The Judge spoke: “Does anyone in this room need to be dismissed from Jury Duty?” A nervous young man said: “I’d like to be dismissed.” The judge asked why. The man answered: “Because my wife is about to conceive.” The judge was a little shocked. “I believe you mean ‘deliver.’ But either way I agree…you should be there.”

The groom’s cousin loves photography. So the Groom asked him to take the Wed-ding Pictures. Then his cousin got nervous. What if I mess up the focus? Screw up the composition? Miss an important shot? His wife said, “Don’t worry about it. If they had wanted a real photographer they would have gotten one.”

I have a philosophical question that seems appropriate to ask here. It is similar to the question you may have heard. If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? But my question is: If a man speaks in pub-lic, and his wife isn’t around to correct him, is he still wrong?

Our minister today recently attended a conference discussing the high divorce rate. He suggested to the group: “Have the cellphone companies write the contract;


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they’ll never get out.”

The priest was giving Greg advice on how to get along with Barb, and actually it comes right from the Book of Genesis. “In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said, ‘Let there be light.’ And God separated the light from the dark. And that’s why we do two loads of laundry.

To many girls the word “marriage” has a nice ring to it.

The male brain starts working the moment he is born and never stops until he stands up to get married.

Behind every successful man there stands a surprised father-in-law.

I would just like to remind the married people here that monogamy is not a type of wood.

Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other things you wouldn’t need if you’d stayed single.

I’ve always been envious of Greg because he always seemed like he was a guy who has everything. And now he even has a wife to show him how everything actually works.

Barb’s Mom gave me a ride home after the Rehearsal last night. I noticed she had a bright ribbon tied to her car aerial. I asked her what group she was supporting. She


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said none. “It’s so I can find my car in the parking lot at the mall”

When Barb was much younger, her Mom was carrying her screaming out of the mall. A police officer concerned about Barb, asked Barb’s mom, “Is that your daughter?” Barb’s Mom snapped, “If she wasn’t mine, I wouldn’t be taking her home.”

Greg’s Mom and Dad were walking in the park and noticed a young couple sitting on a bench, passionately kissing. Why don’t you do that? Greg’s Mom asked. “Honey,” replied Greg’s dad, “I don’t even know the woman.”

Greg’s Dad had a red ball point pen explode in his shirt pocket. It made a hideous red stain with a dark center. Greg’s Mom took it to the drycleaners. The owner gave it a long look. Then, he turned to her and said, “Nice shot.”

Greg was listening to his elderly uncle. “Greg, I’ve never taken a drink, never smoked, never went to bed after 10:00 pm, never ate too much and never looked at another woman other than your auntie. And you know what? Tomorrow, I celebrate my 100th birthday.” Greg piped up: “How?”

Barb’s Mom was shopping with Greg’s Mom for wedding supplies. They needed to each find their cars in the crowded parking lot. A horn beeped and Barb’s Mom said, “There’s my car.” “Wow”, said Greg’s mom, “I could use a gadget like that.” Barb’s mom said: “It’s simple. That’s my husband.”

Barb’s father recently gave her some financial advice. He told Barb and Greg to start saving their money right away so they can have the things they want. “Your mother


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and I finally saved enough to buy what we started saving for in 1971.” Barb said, “You mean you got a brand new Cadillac?” Her Dad answered, “No. A 1971 Cadillac.”

Stan hated to wear a seatbelt, but one day he spotted a policeman behind him and quickly decided to put it on.

“Here, take the wheel,” he told his wife.

She did but it was too late, and the officer pulled them over.

“I noticed you weren’t wearing your seatbelt,” the policeman said.

“Yes, I was,” Stan said. “But don’t take my word for it. Ask my wife.”

“So how about it ma’am?” the policeman asked.

“Officer, I’ve been married to Stan for 20 years,” she replied. “And one thing I’ve learned in all that time is: Never argue with him when he is drunk.”

Recently, Stan and Mary celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, and Mary noticed a tear in her Stan’s eye. “I never realized how sentimental you are,” she said. “That’s not it,” he sniffled. “Remember when your father caught us in the barn, he said if I didn’t marry you he’d send me to jail for 50 years. Well today I would have been a free man!”

When Barb asked her mom if her dad had lived up to all the things he promised be-fore they were married, her mom said, “No. He’s only lived up to one of them.” Barb asked “Which promise was that?” “He said he wasn’t good enough for me.”


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Barb asked her sister what to engrave on Greg’s wedding ring. She said to her sister, “I want something that has meaning and will remind him of me.” Her sister said: “How about ‘put it back on’.”

Greg’s Mom told me about the time he took out Barb for dinner on their first date. When Greg got home Greg’s Mom asked him what they had ordered. Greg said, “I had spaghetti and she had something that cost 30 bucks.”

Barb was telling me that she felt really great today, not just because it was her wed-ding day, but because she started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. She gave $100 to a bum. I said, “You gave a bum $100? That’s a lot of money to give away like that. What did Greg say about that?”“Thanks.”

Greg has always believed that he was attracted to very spiritual women because whenever he asked them out they told him that he didn’t have a prayer.

You know, Jay and Rachelle almost never went out again after the first time. After their first date Jay asked if he could come inside. Rachelle said, “Oh no, I never ask guys inside on a first date.” Jay answered, “Well, how about the last date?”


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THANKS FOR PLAYING.NOW BACk TO THE GAME.

And remember…

When it’s your turn to tie the knot, check out:

www.GroomGroove.com

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Documents

HOW TO MAKE AN AWESOME BEST MAN SPEECH · HOW TO MAKE AN AWESOME BEST MAN SPEECH ... the entire wedding. ... of the speeches of the greats (Churchill, MLK, JFK,