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How to Forgive yourself and others

a publication ofHAND OF

JESUSMINISTRIES

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HOW TO FORGIVE

We would be remiss to explain how to forgive without telling you about where the strength to forgive comes from.

While you may be able to sustain a forgiving attitude for a time on your own, it is doubtful that you can hold on to a compassionate heart and an open mind for the long haul without a power that is greater than your own.

About 30 years ago, before we met and married one another, we each learned what it meant to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

We had both grown up attending church and were familiar with the teaching that Jesus died on the cross to forgive us of our sins, but it wasn’t until our late teens/early twenties that we asked Jesus into our hearts and invited Him to change our lives.

Ever since that time, we have

relied upon and experienced

God’s enabling power to forgive.

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WHAT THE BIBLE SAYSThe first thing we came to realize is that we, ourselves, had sinned and were in need of forgiveness. For the first time, scriptures in the Bible became real to us and we knew the Bible pertained to our lives.

We learned that God will not forgive us unless we forgive others. As God extends grace to us, He expects us to extend grace to the ones who hurt us.

Yes, if you forgive others for the wrongs they do to you, then

your Father in heaven will also forgive your wrongs. But if

you don’t forgive others, then your Father in heaven will not

forgive the wrongs you do. (Matthew 6:14-15 ERV)

When we recognized our own sin and our own need of forgiveness, our prideful attitudes broke and we began to forgive others. Jesus died for everyone’s sin, not just ours. If He paid the penalty for us, then He

paid the penalty for the ones who hurt us.

All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

(Romans 3:23 NIV)

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WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS

God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. (John

3:17 The Message)

We learned to admit that we had done wrong, and to receive forgiveness, not because we deserved it, but because Jesus died so that we wouldn’t have to carry guilt and shame. He also died so that the ones who hurt us would not have to carry guilt and shame.

If we say that we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth is not in us. But if we confess our sins, God will forgive us. We can trust God to do this. He always does what is right. He will make us clean from all the wrong things we have done. (1 John 1:8-9 ERV)

Next we came to realize that through the power of Jesus’ love we could forgive over and over again.

At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, “Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?” Jesus replied, “Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven. (Matthew 18:21-22 The Message)

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STEPS TO FORGIVINGStep 1:

Receive the power you need to do so by asking Jesus to take control of your mind, your will and your emotions. If you haven’t already done this, you can do it right now by praying this simple prayer:

A prayer giving Jesus control of your life:

Jesus, I have sinned—I have messed up. I can’t make up for the things I’ve done wrong, I need for You to forgive me. Thank You for dying on the cross and paying the price for me so that I can be free from guilt and shame. Thank You for doing for me what I cannot do for myself. Thank You for wiping the slate clean. I ask You to take control of my life, fill me with the Holy Spirit, and help me be the person You created me to be. I love You Jesus.

• If this is the first time you’ve prayed a prayer like this, you now have a re-source—a source of power, available to you that you didn’t have before.

That means that when you feel too weak to forgive the people who have caused you pain, you can ask Jesus to give you the strength you need and He will do it. You are not strong enough in and of yourself, but Jesus living in and through you is strong enough.

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STEPS TO FORGIVINGStep 2:

Ask God to forgive you for harboring bitterness, resent-ment and hatred toward the people who have hurt you.

Your prayer may sound something like this:

Lord, I have been deeply hurt by __(name the person)__. I can’t deny that I am in pain but I also admit that I have reacted sinfully toward __(name the person)__. I have __(sought revenge, withheld love, wished for harm to come …). Forgive me for my __(e.g. hatred, bitterness, resentment, pride…)__. I know I don’t deserve forgiveness but I receive it because Jesus paid the penalty I owe. In Jesus name, Amen.

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STEPS TO FORGIVINGStep 3:

Tell God that you forgive those who have hurt you. If you have years of stored up offenses, this will take time.

Don’t be in a hurry.

• You may want to write down the names of the people who have hurt you and the ways in which they have hurt you.

• You need to pray specifically. Broad, general prayers like: “I for-give my mom for hurting me,” do not reach down to the depth of your pain.

• Think about how you were hurt. Although these memories are painful to recall, you will not be released from their grip without acknowledging their hold on you.

• You are looking back so that you can move forward.

This is not about wallowing is your despair or disparaging the person who sinned against you—it is about letting go and moving on.

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STEPS TO FORGIVINGStep 3: continued...

Here are some things to consider:

Offenses can be events that took place like:

• Embarrassing me in front of my friends,• Abusing me,• Favoritism shown to siblings.

Offenses can be words spoken like:

• “I wish you were never born.”• “You look like a ____ in that outfit.”• “You’ll never amount to anything.”

Offenses can be feelings like:

• Making me feel unprotected, afraid, worthless, stupid. Offenses can be things that were not done that should have been done like:

• Not attending my games or recitals,• Not allowing me to have my friends over,• Birthdays not celebrated,• Not saying “no” when you knew I was doing something

harmful to myself.

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STEPS TO FORGIVINGStep 3: continued...

Now pray a prayer expressing your forgiveness of the ones who hurt you.

Don’t rush through. Pause and think of the person you are forgiving. Allow yourself to feel sad about what was done, said, not done or not said.

If you find anger beginning to well up, move on in the prayer to release the one who hurt you.

Take a deep breath and let go of the pain. Once you feel lighter and less burdened down, pray a blessing on the one you have forgiven.

Pray this prayer (a prayer telling God you forgive

others) for each person on your list.

Lord, I forgive ___(name the person)___ for___(name the offenses specifically)___. I release him/her from owing me an apology or an explanation. I forgive him/her because You have forgiven me. Release me from the burden of carrying these offenses. In Jesus name, Amen.

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WHAT IF I DON’T FEEL FORGIVING?

Now here’s the deal—don’t assume that nothing happened just because you didn’t feel emotional.

Crying is a great release of pain but just because you didn’t cry doesn’t mean that nothing happened. Remember—it is a decision of your will to forgive. If you have made the decision to give Jesus control of your life then you are being obedient by praying what you just prayed and God honors obedience.

Feelings will come over time but they must not be the measure of how you determine that you have forgiven. You are walking by faith in this prayer and you are relying on God to take it from here.

You have done your part now. Good job!!

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WHAT IF I DON’T FEEL FORGIVING?

People often express to us that they feel dishonest or hypocritical if they do not feel what they pray. Our response to that is this: It is not hypocritical to go against what you feel—it is hypocritical to go against what you believe.

Here is a common scenario that will help this make sense:

You tossed and turned through most of the night last night and now the alarm blares to awaken you. It is 6:00 a.m. on Monday and it’s pouring down rain outside. Do you feel like getting out of bed to go to work? No, probably not. But you force yourself out of bed and into the shower because you believe it is important to keep your commitments and to provide for your family. You are not being hypocritical by going to work, you are simply going against what you feel (tired and lazy). You are choosing to do what you believe is right.

However, if you believe that it is wrong to cheat on the books even though your boss expects it, and you do it anyway, you are being hypocritical. You are going against what you believe. You are choosing to do something that you believe is wrong.

So you see—when you forgive someone, even though you don’t feel like it, you are not being hypocritical. You are doing what you believe is right, even though you don’t feel like it.

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WHAT IF I DON’T FEEL FORGIVING?

The truth of the matter is that over time:

• You will actually begin to feel compassion and possibly even love for the ones you have forgiven and blessed.

• You will find it is impossible to hate someone who you consistently pray for.

• You find God’s love for that person filling your heart.• You may find yourself asking: “How did this happen?”

“Where is this coming from?”

God’s power is filling you with an ability to love, not only those who love you back, but also those who have hurt you. AMAZING!

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WHAT IF I BEGIN TO FEEL UNFORGIVING AGAIN?

It is also important not to assume that praying once is always enough.

Your pain has likely accumulated over time, perhaps over many years. You will probably experience healing in layers.

Some compare it to peeling an onion, the pain comes off one layer at a time. As feelings of anger, bitterness and resentment resurface, if they re-surface, go back into prayer as soon as possible.

The longer you wait, the more escalated your anger may become. Don’t allow those feelings to lodge into your heart again.

If you have to pray the same prayer several times a day, do it. You can pray as you go about your normal, daily activities.

Jesus is right there with you every moment of your day. He knows your

heart and will hear your prayer.

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SHOULD I TELL THE PERSON I FORGIVE THEM?

People commonly ask this question after they have prayed to forgive someone:

Should I tell the person that I have forgiven him/her?

Our answer to that question is this: If the person asks for your forgiveness, then you can tell them that you have forgiven. By asking they are acknowledging that they know they have hurt you.

However, if the person doesn’t ask for your forgiveness it is best to keep it between you, the person who prayed with you, and the Lord.

Here are some reasons why:

• The person who hurt you may not realize they have done so. They will likely be confused and wonder what you need to forgive them of. Even if you explain, they may not understand.

• The person who hurt you may have forgotten all about it and by your announcement of forgiveness you drum up something that is best kept in the past. Time to move on.

• The person who hurt you may get defensive and say things like: “That was no big deal, get over it,” or “I don’t need you to forgive me of anything.” This response may cause you pain all over again and it may tempt you to take back the offense.

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SHOULD I TELL THE PERSON I FORGIVE THEM? Each of these reactions has the potential of reopening old wounds in you and in the one who hurt you. By praying a prayer of forgiveness you have done your part. You have released them and freed yourself.

The Lord knows and no one else needs to.

If you feel you must announce that you have forgiven, it is probably sinful pride welling up. Resist the temptation and focus your attention on your own responsibility to forgive.

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SOME HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS

Here are some things that can help if you feel stuck:

• Pray out loud. Our convictions somehow feel more real when we hear our own voice saying them. This may be difficult for you. Don’t feel foolish—press through. Say it out loud like you mean it.

• Find someone you trust to pray with you. It would be best to pray with someone who believes that Jesus paid the penalty for sin when He died on the cross. After you have prayed out loud, ask your friend to pray a blessing over you. You don’t always have to close your eyes when you pray. It may sink into your heart more if the person praying over you establishes eye contact with you.

• Invite your friend to check up on you in the days ahead. Give your friend permission to ask the sensitive questions that you may wish to avoid. By keeping your feelings in the light, the power of hiddenness and secrets is broken.

• Finally, if you do not have someone to agree with you in prayer over your situation, contact us through our website and we will get back with you. We care about your healing and want you to be free.

Walking in faith with you,

Mark and Tammy

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