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How
The Difference Maker Lifts You Above
Depressive Thoughts
By Nancy Virden
Self-Doubt
Practical Exercises
If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is in the US call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
For a list of international suicide prevention hotlines go towwwsuicideorginternational-suicide-hotlineshtml
If you are suicidal with a plan and intent immediately call 911 in the US or go to your nearest emergency room
In the EU call 112 For more international emergency numbers
httpsenwikipediaorgwikiList_of_suicide_crisis_lines
How the Difference Maker Lifts You Above Depressive ThoughtsCopyright copy 2020 by Nancy Virden All rights reserved
How the Difference Maker Lifts You Above Depressive Thoughts may be freely shared as awhole and complete work with full attribution in place with the following exceptionsCommercial Use No part of this publication may be reproduced stored in a retrieval systemor transmitted in any way by any means electronic mechanical photocopy recording orotherwise for commercial use of any kind for the purposes of reformatting or binding or foradvertising without prior permission from the author
Stories in this book are real All names have been changed except page 121
Unless otherwise indicated Scripture quotes are from the Holy Bible New LivingTranslation copyright copy1996 2004 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation Used bypermission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc Carol Stream Illinois 60188 All rightsreserved
All scripture links lead to Bible Gatewaycom
Cover design by Nancy Virden Photo by XYMONAU on rgbcom cropped
Note In no way is this e-book or anything pertaining to Always the Fight Ministriesintended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care
About the AuthorNancy Virden
Nancy is a mental health advocatefreelance writer and founder andvoice of Always the FightMinistries
Always the Fight Ministries hasbeen displaying compassion forthose fighting mental illnessaddiction and abuse since 2012Nancy openly shares her story ofemotional resurrection fromdespair
She is an active participant in herchurch most recently starting andco-leading a depression andanxiety support group
CONTACTNancyVirdenhopegmailcom
Nancy has two adult sons Her hobbies include art and research
Dedicated with love to Sue G a friend of thirty-three years
who without fail has prayerfully been at my side -
nonjudgmentally uncritically with full acceptance and
loving action - through dark and scary waters always ready
to greet me when I return to health and without stigma
treat me with knowledge and grace
Thank you dear friend
A donation to Grace Alliance is appreciated in exchange for
this free book
Mental Health Grace Alliancecultivates healthy solutions through
simple innovative biblical truths scientific research and practical tools
It is grace made practical for our mental and emotional health and
resiliency
Mental Health Grace Alliance is a 501(c)3 non-profit organization
Grace Alliance is unaffiliated with Always the Fight Ministries 2020
No donations benefit Nancy Virden financially
Table of Contents
The Difference Makerhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Self-Doubthelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Toxic Shamehelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Self-loathinghelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Extreme Conclusions helliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
HopelessnesshelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellipTo Supports 83
Jealousy and Envyhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Destructive Blamehelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Perceived Dependencyhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Fearhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Appendixhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
5
15
27
39
49
69
92
102
117
131
147
We closed the meeting said goodbye and headed toward our
cars A full to-do list along with a sense of anxious helplessnessfilled my thoughts I cant I cant do it all
Randomly my mind wandered Even if I wanted to clean-up themillions of bee-bee size stones it would be an unsafe waste ofhours A less tedious walk would be nice but the problem was notmine to fix My job was simply to do my best at staying upright
Finally at home I slumped into a chair in silence heart andthoughts racing in stride There still wrapped in my coat handsand feet dressed for the winter chill I sagged under the weight ofbarren strength It was a familiar feeling being overwhelmed
Nothing was left of me on which to lean The whole of my effortslately seemed to accomplish nothing toward higher goals Defeat
5
1The Difference Maker
Walking was treacherous Potholes markedthe parking lot evidence of years of poundingstorms and heavy traffic Miniscule pebblessprinkled a disordered hopscotch as if largerocks had been pulverized over patches of old
and newer asphalt
ldquoI canrsquotrdquo
becomes
our miracle
and exhaustion forced surrender ldquoGod Irsquom sorry I canrsquothelliprdquo
I canrsquot finish what we started canrsquot move from this chair canrsquotplan another meeting see anyone or write another paragraphI canrsquot
Heaven sent three words to complete my whispered prayer ldquobutYou canrdquo The parking lot had been an object lesson It was timeto set down what was not mine to fix
ldquoI canrsquot but You canrdquo became a regular confession One step afteranother this phrase called attention to the One whose strengthdoes not wither whose love never fails and whose offers of restand healing are constant
ldquoThe Lord will fight for you You needonly be stillrdquo God told Mosessup1
ldquoCome to me all you who are wearyand carry heavy burdensrdquo Jesuspromised ldquoI will give you restrdquo sup2
Beyond burn-out daily life often feelsgravelly and threatening whenparalyzed by the past insecurities
The Lord will
fight for you
You need only
be still Exodus 1414
and depressive thinking we make littleprogress toward personal wholeness
Much of the time we stay stuck in fear oflosing what is familiar what it is we thinkwe have learned to control We chasepebbles instead of purpose
6
ldquoLet God transform you into a new person by changing the wayyou thinkrdquo wrote Paul one of the earliest believers in theChristian faithsup3 His term changing or renewing means to makean exchange
God is on our side ldquoI canrsquotrdquo becomes our miracle when we addldquoThe Difference Maker can and Irsquoll let himrdquo
What does God have to do with it
ldquoWho would you rather trust He is the Difference-Makerrdquo - a psychologist
Each are temporary Not only do they fluctuate with discoveryopinions moods and the market none reach into our deepestneed and make us permanently whole
The Difference Maker is well different Not a what but a who hedoes not change like shifting shadows⁴ nor can he be chained tohuman personality knowledge or man-made rites or rules He isgreater than everything we call finished
Godrsquos nature is to be there for us faithful to keep his promiseseven in troubling times His nature is constant which gives us
We like whats What time is it What is thescore What will happen next Educationscience financial security religion andpsychology to name a few have theirpurposes From them we may experience asense of fulfillment and some answers to ourquestion what
7
hope and firm ground in which to stake our trust
Because of his love for each of us he made a way to spend foreverwith us He is holy without any deceit or darkness at all⁵ We arenot as we all know⁶ To permit our guilt (deceit darkness) intohis holy presence he had to make a sacrifice
Instead of compromising his holy nature he provided a holy (nodeceit no darkness) gift that we can choose or refuse One day wewill all stand before God with or without his gift When we cometo him bearing this gift we will be ushered into his heaven⁷ Thenews is dreadful for those who do not have the gift with them⁸
The gift is free salvation offered by Godrsquos grace through faith inhis Son Jesus⁹ It is by accepting this gift that we become Godrsquoschildren and heirs to everything in his kingdomsup1⁰
We have this wonderful future with God to anticipate yet he iswith us now He has sent his Spirit the Holy Spirit (again nodeceit no darkness) to teach us and to touch us emotionally withspiritual truth
One of the best gifts we can open today is Godrsquos peace ldquoThe Lordgives his people strength the Lord blesses them with peacerdquosup1sup1Peace is our new state of being as we learn to apply his truththrough his processes
Paul said it best when he wrote the following
When I think of all this I fall to my knees and pray to theFather the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth Ipray that from his glorious unlimited resources he willempower you with inner strength through his Spirit Then
8
Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in himYour roots will grow down into Godrsquos love and keep youstrong
And may you have the power to understand as all Godrsquospeople should how wide how long how high and how deephis love is May you experience the love of Christ though it istoo great to understand fully Then you will be made completewith all the fullness of life and power that comes from Godsup1sup2
God is love
I will give you a new heart and put anew spirit in you I will remove fromyou your heart of stone and give youa heart of flesh Ezekiel 3626niv
If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son ofGod God lives in them and they in God And so weknow and rely on the love God has for us God islove 1 John 415-16niv
He cares about broken hearts He heals the brokenheartedand binds up their wounds
Psalm 1473niv
You LORD hear the desire of theafflicted you encourage them and youlisten to their cry Psalm 1017niv
He is with us during depression
He offers inside-out change
9
Godrsquos power is at work Now to him who is able to doimmeasurably more than all weask or imagine according to hispower that is at work within us tohim be gloryhellip Ephesians 320-21niv
I say to myself ldquoThe LORD is myinheritance therefore I will hope inhimrdquo -Jeremiah Lamentations 324
He offers eternal hope
He offers joy I came that they may have and enjoy life andhave it in abundance -Jesus John 1010amp
This is not a God will fix you book It is a door that opens into thediscovery of biblical solutions you may not know exist
This is also not a miracle-cure book The miracle is the DifferenceMaker and how he lifts you above depressive thoughts
10
12
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord you teach
ldquohellipwhatever is true
whatever is noble whatever
is right whatever is pure
whatever is lovely whatever
is admirablemdashif anything is
excellent or praiseworthymdash
think about such thingsrdquo
Help me Lord to change my
depressive thoughts
Based on Philippians 48
___________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
1 What consistent triggering event and response do youexperience
___________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
Practical Exercise 1 Make the Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use a napeven though a minute earlier you were not tired This is a type ofthought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bed the visualautomatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Begin noticing what runs through your brain in different situationsHow do certain thoughts make you feel
If you are uncertain how to answer the last question try this quickexperiment Think for 30 seconds on this yearrsquos news and noticeyour emotions Now focus on your favorite memory for 30 secondsIn which direction did your feelings travel when you changed theseintentional thoughts
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom where andwhy of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take the time tocomplete the following exercise (for each thought habit) and you willbe surprised at the worthwhile outcome
12
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchangeyour triggerrsquos association from gloomy to whatgenerally rightens your mood
3 What is your thought-habit
_______________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_______________________________________________(Example l feel content)
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with thingsyou love move the bed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularlyfor foot rubs saying prayers or texting jokesto your friends Avoid texts from work oropen them elsewhere)
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of thespace with open curtains worship music or a self-startingcoffee maker (Avoid texts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
__________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
13
7 What action will you take next time this triggering eventoccurs
__________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts More seriousepisodes of depression anxiety or other challenges may follow apattern or cycle Ideas throughout the following chapters can helpcreate new thinking patterns to replace negative thought habits
14
2Self-Doubt
Her eyes climb sparkling windowpanes to the tenth floor as she
stands frozen facing the entrance to an imposing office buildingAudrey has researched this job opportunity for days Do I knowenough Her binder is loaded with documents What did I forgetHer attire is professional I should have worn those other shoes
A woman walks past carrying a briefcase She looks put-togetherWhat if she is applying Audrey has recently earned a degree thefirst in her family to finish college But it is only a bachelorrsquos and Ihave no experience She catches her reflection in the glass doorsIrsquom too young
Finally Audrey caves What was I thinking They will never hireme This was a mistake Irsquom going home
Some thoughts My judgment is questionable Is this the right decision Am I good enough No one will take me
seriously I do not know if I am making a difference Fears of rejection and failure are paralyzing
ldquoGet Wisdomrdquo
[Godrsquos] still on the throne And those of us who know him putour trust in him and him alone I donrsquot put my trust in
15
ldquoGet wisdomrdquo is the challenge King Solomon of ancient Israel gaveto his son ldquoThough it cost all you have get understandingrdquosup1 Iwonder if his urgency was inspired by the story of his parentsKing David and Bathshebasup1∙⁵
Get wisdom from believers who listen to the Holy Spirit King David took another manrsquos wife Bathsheba and killed theman God detested this terrible deed and David knew it Drowningin lies and excuses he lived in total denial
Nathan the prophet listened to Godrsquos Holy Spirit and called David
Washington I donrsquot put my trust in the United Nations I donrsquotput trust in myself I donrsquot put my trust in my money I put mytrust in the Lord Jesus Christ When all the rest of it fails andcrumbles and shatters Hersquoll be there - Billy Graham
16
Reliance on
Godrsquos wisdom
means our
judgment is
not our only
resource
Self-doubt traps us between fear andfailure Trusting God to show us what todo may seem contradictory to our goal ofthinking for ourselves with confidence Ofcourse we are not created conformists orrobots
Nonetheless we cannot know more thanwe know Reliance on Godrsquos wisdommeans our judgment is not our onlyresource Even when we do not know thewhere what why or how ofcircumstances we never have toquestion Gods ability to lead
out on his rationalizing Truth hit David hard Hebroke down His tears of grief were not only regretbut repentance
Repentance is a combination of sorrow oversinning (wrongdoing) against God and a turningaway from those sins David later wrote in such away it is evident he changed direction His prayeris one we can repeat
Solomon became king remembering his fatherrsquoslessons Above long life riches or militaryvictory he prayed for an understanding mind anddiscerning heart to know the difference betweenright and wrongsup3
Growth and discernment are natural results of asincere and disciplined relationship with JesusAge and many years in the church do notguarantee this Spiritually mature believers havedeeper understanding of sound judgment becauseby constant practice they have trainedthemselves to distinguish good from evil⁴ Thereis much to be said for such experience
A man thanked a boy for giving him directionsadding ldquoIrsquom the new pastor Come to church
17
ldquoSearch me O God and know my heart test meand know my anxious thoughts Point outanything in me that offends you and lead mealong the path of everlasting liferdquosup2
Sunday and Irsquoll show you how get to heavenrdquo
The boy was skeptical Awww come on You dont even know theway around town
God promises ldquoI willhellip teach you in the way you should gordquo⁵ LikeNathan God still appoints people who listen to the Holy Spirit tospeak truth
The better part of wisdom is admitting when we have reached theend of what we know and humbly asking for directions
Get wisdom from the Holy BibleGodrsquos Word is not merely words on paper All Scripture is God-breathed according to Paul⁶ None of it is false
No prophecy or book in the Bible came from the writerrsquos initiativeor human understanding There is but one author God People likePaul who wrote profound letters were moved by the Holy Spirit⁷
Paul continues by saying the Bible is useful for correcting andtraining so servants of God (believers) will be thoroughlyequipped for every good deed and ministry⁸ He strongly impliesthat without such correction and training we will not have thenecessary tools to do Godrsquos work
Several hyper-religious hypocrites tried to trap Jesus with loadedquestions In one incident Jesus replied ldquoAre you not in errorbecause you do not know the Scriptures or the power of Godrdquo ⁹
Jesus could not be tricked into a defensive position because heknew the Word of God intimately He understood the heart of it
18
because he knew the Father so well If we are not studying thebook we will find ourselves floundering So often we leaveourselves vulnerable to the latest arguments and philosophies
Saturating in the Bible whether through reading or audio is howwe learn who God is how he relates to us personally and how torespond to him Without this we miss out on the power of God
I recommend reading the Bible in large chunks Headingschapters and verse numbers have been added by publishers tohelp us navigate and find specific passages these markings do notexist in the original writings Context and flow of meaning arericher without those divisions so try to pretend they are not there
As variations from reading I enjoy the NIV dramatized versionaudio Bible and movies that directly quote New Testament books
The Bible is also not published in chronological order You mayfind it more fascinating and exciting to follow a chronological listof books and passages These are easily found online
Get wisdom from knowing Godrsquos willSelf-doubt interrupts our ability to process leaving us stranded ina place of pain the valley of indecision We want to know Godrsquoswill for us yet our prayers are mixed with fear and negative what-ifs
19
Sam enjoys the pace of factory work He is good with his hands andfeels a sense of pride in a dayrsquos accomplishments He holds nostudent debt can leave his job at the factory and is fully presentfor his family in the evenings
Sam would be miserable managing the factory After dealing withcontractors and payroll and customers all day he would returnhome uptight business school loans still due
If Sam were offered these jobs what would you recommend forhim God is not the author of confusionsup1⁰ Most of the time hespeaks through the obvious and we can over-spiritualize things tothe point they make no sense
God made us with innate talents and gifts He placed us in culturesamong people who will help develop our likes and dislikesAssuming we are not choosing to sin we can make life choicesbased on what suits our unique qualities best
If Audrey faces that office building knowing the job is one that willdry up her talents then walking away is likely wise Of course Godgrows us within the challenging features of his calling We tend toenjoy what we are successful doing and skills increase withpractice Trying a new experience is an adventure
20
Where We
Find JoyOur
Will
Godrsquos
Will
21
He has already revealed his will for us anyway Comparing ouroptions to his known will makes for simpler decisions if they donot match we need to change
Firstly we must have faith in God and In his Son Jesus Withoutfaith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes tohim must believe that he exists and that he rewards those whoearnestly seek himsup1sup1
Secondly with the help of the Holy Spirit we are to transformbecoming more like Christ in attitude which is love for othersobedience to the Father and willingness to suffer for the truthsup1sup2
Thirdly we are told to focus on the spiritual kingdom of Jesussup1sup3My grandmother had a sign hung prominently in her dining roomAs one who wanted to make a difference in the world it spoke tome throughout my youth
lsquoTis only one life
lsquoTwill soon be past
Only whatrsquos done for Christ will last
God feels with you and knows how exhausted and overloaded youare at times Do what you want and can do His work in us is allabout growing in love not more pressure to meet human orreligious standards
Get wisdom from prayerPerhaps the most comforting promise about using good judgment
22
was recorded by Jesusrsquo brother James ldquoIf any of you lacks wisdomyou should ask God who gives generously to all without findingfault and it will be given to yourdquosup1⁴
Without finding fault what a relief We do not have to clean-upbefore approaching our Holy Father He has only one condition forhis perfect guidance to get through to us James wrote ldquoBut whenyou ask you must believe and not doubtrdquosup1⁴
A pastor proposed an idea for knowing when we have receivedGodrsquos answer
Ask Make a specific request to God such as ldquoIs it best I take thisjobrdquo or ldquoDo I owe Becky an apologyrdquo
Listen Pay attention to the first thought that follows yourrequest
Act Go with that first thought
But I will make a mistake Irsquoll think of something wrong That iswhere doubt comes in God is more than capable of getting hismessage through all the muck in our heads Every time I haveapplied this pastorrsquos idea every time the answer has been the rightone
Confusion comes with arguing It is true Trying to have my wayand ldquoaskrdquo him at the same time forces a did he answer or did he notanswer internal battle That is on me not him Self-doubt will pop-up its ugly head nevertheless it loses its power if we refuse tosecond-guess God
Faith and trust increase the better we know him ldquoBe still and knowthat I am Godrdquo he sayssup1⁵ Be still Turn off the television and
23
phone go somewhere quiet and meditate onwho is this God and Creator of the universe
Open your Bible with this prayer ldquoGod pleaseshow me what this means to my life mysituation Please reveal what I need to learnabout Yourdquo
Love and holiness are Godrsquos nature His love is
He told
Moses his
name
ldquoI AMrdquo
unending He is the source of all good and truth in the world He isperfectly goodsup1⁶
Yet he is a mystery No one of such finite quality as we can fullymake sense of an eternal God The most studious experts ofscripture know only what God has revealed to them
He told Moses his name I AMsup1⁷ He exists As supposed to all theother false gods and idols that are man-made illusions and self-reliance which is faulty surely he can handle our situations Let usstop questioning our every move We can be still and know he isGod
Imagine Audrey goes to the job interview confident of Godrsquos lovefor her Intimidation and insecurities weaken as she exchanges self-doubt for faith
I cannot Lord You canI have not You will never abandon me
I am unseeing You know all
Please lead me along the best path
25
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Do good to your servant
according to your word
Lord Teach me knowledge
and good judgment for I
trust your commands Before
I was afflicted I went
astray but now I obey
your word
Psalm 11965-67
Practical Exercise 2 Pros and Cons
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible or ask amature follower of Christ to see if there is already an answer givenStep three Be brutally honest with all the pros and cons of youroptions
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
25
Next remember who has all the answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottlewherever it will catch some light Keepit open and have slips of paper andpen available
Write down your unansweredquestions doubts about yourself andany other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside thejar is a great problem surrounded byshadows and light By faith we canaccept that we do not see all or have allthe answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimesshoot out of your jar This representsthe endless wisdom and love of God towhich we can each cling Somehowgood is going to come of what we donot understand
26
3Toxic Shame
Some thoughts I must punish myself I cannot show my face Irsquoll never tell anyone what I did or how I feel There are dozens of reasons for her to hate me I cannot go to
God because Ive done too much wrong Forgive myself Not possible
Shame is a good thing It is Without shame for wrongdoing there
would be no rehabilitation no fresh starts no amends and nochange We must feel ashamed so we are ready to apologize andmean it This is healthy
Toxic Shame is a cruel entertainer replaying mental moviesespecially at night while we snack on the poisons of self-hate andhumiliation
Toxic Shames co-conspirator is Mindreading She makes it difficultto let go of the fear that people remember and do not forgive
Toxic Shame is a relentless accuser with total-devastation potential Scores of his targets havefallen victim to physical pains anxiety or someform of self-punishment This shame preventsrest in Godrsquos love because we question ourworthiness of forgiveness
27
mistakes We do not take their words at face value Mindreadingassumes we are judged by everyone like we judge ourselves
Toxic shame cannot stand up to Godrsquos mercy
pastor the name of Jesus never escaped his lips
As he lay dying and unresponsive at age eighty-four a chaplaincame to visit He asked about Dadrsquos background and I told him whatI just told you The chaplain said something I had not consideredldquoPerhaps because he once was a pastor he does not believe he canbe forgiven for falling into sinrdquo
It makes perfect sense the way Dad wouldshrug off talk of his old days as a preacheror how he changed the subject if a regularconversation turned to faith When I or myson asked about his relationship to Jesushe always answered ldquoIrsquom working on itrdquo
ldquoPerhaps
because he was
once a pastor
he does not
believe he can
be forgivenrdquo
Refusing to forgive ourselves might seemlike humility it is the epitome of prideWe assume to have an authority greaterthan God when after he wipes away oursins we answer ldquoNot me Im too messedup even for You
Clumsy human attitudes such as this donot determine Godrsquos toward us
My dad was not easily understood Hisways were a mix of good deeds and dolingout grievous pain Although he was once a
28
Shortly after the chaplain spoke to and prayed with my dad Istepped out for a short break from keeping vigil Ten minutes latertrying to reenter Dadrsquos room it felt the door was heavy as ifpressing against a strong wind With a heavier shove I found myselfin a familiar and most welcome of atmospheres
It was still except for the sound of labored breathing The air wasthick with the closest to perfect peace as we will ever know on thisearth The dense presence of Godrsquos Holy Spirit filled the roomconcentrated in the corner over my fatherrsquos bed
The Difference Maker was answering my long-time prayer andholding a deathbed conversation with Dad Some time passed until Ifelt the presence rise and leave perhaps taking a refreshed soul withhim Within an hour my dadrsquos frail body quit trying
Jesus was crucified between two thieves One of them said to JesusldquoRemember me when you come into your kingdomrdquo
Jesus answered ldquoToday you will be with me in paradiserdquosup1
A thief and my dad Two unlikely candidates for heaven embracedfor eternity because they said yes to forgiveness
It is too bad my dad did not live a life of peace We can While werehearse old scenarios the Difference Maker forgives generously
We duck our heads in shame he wants to liftour chinssup2
Once my dad had breathed his last I askedGod if he would assure me that dad said yes tohim during their talk I opened my Bible and
29
30
landed near the end of the Old Testament
ldquoYou will not stay angry with your people forever because youdelight in showing unfailing loverdquo Micah the prophet wrote ldquoOnceagain you will have compassion on us You will trample our sinsunder your feet and throw them into the depths of the oceanrdquosup3
Do you see that God delights in showing unfailing love He wasnever about to let his child go into eternity without him In the endGod orchestrated the timing so my dad would accept forgivenessand his daughter would have the privilege of learning just how deepis the love of God for those who believe on his Son⁴
He not only removes our shame he personally has a great timedoing so He is eager to remove our fears too
I know my dad is in heaven just like I know the thief is there ldquoFor ashigh as the heavens are above the earth so great is his love for thosewho fear him as far as the east is from the west so far has heremoved our transgressions from usrdquo⁵
Other steps
Remember healthy shame It becomes toxic when we allow it to rotunattended while we refuse to deal with complicated truth
Things we ignore grow moldy and poisonous This plays out inaddiction resentment depression anger control issues self-righteousness and so much more
Godrsquos love and forgiveness are gracious and forever I will thank himfor them However he does not take our stubborn and hard
Moral inventory shapes our understanding of ourselves whichin turn shapes our relationship with God Some styles ofinventory ask us to take a hard look at our character defectsand this can create a powerful sense of our need for God Otherstyles of inventory encourage us to look not just at ourshortcomings but at our strengths as well and so the sense ofneed for God is not as strong If we write according to the firststyle of inventory we are more likely to enter in an intimaterelationship with God ndashJames Ryan of the National
Association of Christian Recovery
A fearless inventory does not shy away from total honesty with Godwho knows everything anyway⁶ We do not have to fear Godrsquosrejection He never expects perfection from humans because heknows how weak we are he remembers we are only dust⁷
Guidance for completing an inventory is on the next page
hearts and melt them against our will Steps we can take will openus to his miracles
Moral Inventory
31
ConfessionldquoDonrsquot be impressed with your own wisdomInstead fear the LORD and turn away fromevil Then you will have healing for your bodyand strength for your bonesrdquo⁸
Who knew the Bible is so psychologically apteh
The One who made us knows we need tounload shame and offers his listening earsWe share our moral inventory with him andask him to remove all our sins
Honesty 1 Peter 222
rdquoHe committed no
sin and no deceit was
found in his mouthrdquo
Sexual Purity
Hebrews 726 rdquo[Christ
Jesus] truly meets our need mdash one who is
holy blameless pure set apart from sinnershelliprdquo
Love 1 John 316 ldquoThis is how
we know what love isJesus Christ
laid down his life for
usrdquo
Unselfishness2 Corinthians
89rdquoFor you know the grace of our
Lord Jesus Christ that
though he was rich yet for your sake he became
poor so that you through his
poverty might become richrdquo
Borrowed from the Oxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes we compare
our honesty purity unselfishness and love to that of Jesus
32
Amends (not excuses)
Jesus said ldquohellipif you are offering your gift at the altar (he meant inworship of God) and there remember that your brother or sisterhas something against you leave your gift there in front of the altarFirst go and be reconciled to them then come and offer your giftrdquo⁹
That is how important making amends is to God Confessing ourwrongs to people we have hurt is a giant step toward our healingfrom toxic shame and hopefully brings some sense of closure tothem too Unless contacting them would cause them more pain wehumbly admit what we did and apologize
Forgiveness is theirs to give when and if they are ready so we donot ask for it Our forgiveness comes from above Amends may notproduce a healed relationship we do it anyway and leave others toGod
Pray blessings for your enemiesJesus prayed for his enemiessup1⁰ as did Stephen the first Christianmartyr
ldquoOpen confession is good for the soulrdquo ndashScottish proverb
33
This is an ongoing process His forgivenessis complete nonetheless we will continueto act dishonestly impurely selfishly andunlovingly at times
A caution Do not compare yourself against
other people only to Christ Jesus
Stephen prayed for those who conspired to have him stoned todeathsup1sup1 While he was dying he asked God to have mercy on hisenemies Saul of Tarsus stood among themsup1sup1∙⁵
In the name of God Saul of Tarsus zealously opposed Jesusrsquofollowers hunting them down Mercilessly he tore families apartdragging men and women believers to prison and voting for theirdeaths He tried to force them to blaspheme a criminal offensesup1sup2
Eventually he wrote half the New Testament of our Holy Bibletoday
Did Paul deserve Godrsquos grace No way That is the beauty of itnone of us do Jesus never sinned and therefore had pure love forhis enemies By praying for our enemies we recognize theirhumanity and ours The largess of Godrsquos grace heals our soul
Stay in the presentPaul could easily have been paralyzed by toxic shame as hepreached to and encouraged friends and members of those samefamilies he had killed In his sixties and under house arrest for hisfaith Paul wrote ldquohellipone thing I do Forgetting what is behind and
As he was
martyred he
asked God to
have mercy on his
enemies
God heard Stephenrsquos prayer and hadmercy on Saul After his conversionSaul changed his name to Paul (Saulwas a kingly name Paul meanslittle)
For about thirty-five years Paulserved as missionary and churchplanter willingly suffering the life hehad imposed on otherssup1sup3
34
Note We all need assistance sometimes When toxicshame is connected to unaddressed memories andtrauma emotional disturbances and the inability tofunction normally we may benefit most from professionalhelp
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love ofGod and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with yousup1⁶
straining toward what is ahead I press onhelliprdquo sup1⁴
Toxic shame can be a choice The past cannot change why wastetime on it Today and tomorrow with the Difference Maker in thelead we have the opportunity to follow his plan of escape from self-defeating thoughts and live a different kind of life
Godrsquos promise is that no shadow of shame will darken our faces ifwe look to himsup1⁵ Read the book of John as you begin orstrengthen your walk with God
35
Prayer to the Difference Maker
ldquohellipmany are saying of my soul
lsquoThere is no salvation for him in Godrsquo
But you O LORD
are a shield about me my glory
and the lifter of my headrdquo
Psalm 32-4 (ESV)
Practical Exercise 3 Examine the Evidence
If
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes toone of the questionson the left you havea new day in thecourt of your mindCheck out thecorresponding linkson the right
37
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Prison- no parole
Next secure your release
38
4Self-loathing
Mr Negative self-
talk destroys
identities and
paralyzes dreams
Period That is all
he does
Mr Self-loathing blinds us to thewonderful mysteries of otherpeople by laser-beam focusinginward In public we worry if weare coming across okay In privatewe wonder what others think aboutus
When we do not believe in ouraptitude personality or lovabilitywe miss out on the love others tryto extend Compliments upset us
Some thoughts Irsquom not good enough No one can love meIrsquom too old or young too fat or thin too uneducated or
inexperienced too introverted or boisterous Irsquom always too much and too little Ugly Idiot Trouble
Thats me I am a mistake
Mr Self-loathing is in the ldquoIrdquo business He sells I-should-not be
me and I-should-have-done-better His top sales manager MsSense of Worthlessness invented Irsquom not-as-good-as-so-n-so andIrsquom-sorry-for-everything Their chief of business communicationsolrsquo Negative Self-talk specializes in I am a loser of every typeimaginable
39
because in our minds they cannotpossibly be true We believepeople are only placating us forwhat purpose we do not knowMiniscule mistakes blare I canrsquotget anything right
Loathing is a strong term andappropriate for this self-debasingthinking As a thought habit itresponds well to Practical Exercise1
If we buy the goods Ms Sense ofWorthlessness sells self-loathing
goes public She excels at over-apologizing One of her favorites isldquoOh excuse merdquo (even though you nearly knocked me onto mykeester and two pounds of chocolate chips ripped open in front ofmy three very young children who now look like foraging raccoonsBut hey Irsquom sorry- to you- who is long gone)
Another favorite is ldquoIrsquom sorry to bother yourdquo (though you said I amnot bothering you a minute ago and each time I have walked intoyour office since you hired me you have said the same)
She also encourages her customers to say I am sorry with bodylanguage when nothing out of the ordinary has occurred
Maybe we rationalize apologies as nice polite or sympatheticUnfortunately unnecessary and excessive apologizing generallyframes us as untrustworthy and weak even if we are not thosethings The practice works against us
40
Mr Negative Self-talk destroys identities and paralyzes dreamsPeriod That is all he does His attacks against our wellbeing are oldvoices thoughts and beliefs playing on a loop each geared towardthe abuse and vandalization of our minds bodies and spirits
One meme says ldquoIf a friend speaks to you the way you speak toyourself how long will you be friendsrdquo Well what if a friend talksabout herself using thoughts you hold against yourself how longbefore you try to reassure her
Baggage and Beliefs
Some of our baggage is based on negative false core beliefs usuallyadopted in childhood Three steps form a belief
bull A significant person to us one in authority or someone we trustor admire sends or affirms a message positive or negativethrough speech or actions
bull Our experience must support that message whether byperception or reality
bull Then we must repeat the message to ourselves
For instance a teacher says ldquoYou are weak at mathrdquo On the nextexam you miss some equations This experience might become yourldquoevidencerdquo of weakness in math By repeating to yourself Irsquomterrible at math you affix the belief
Negative false core beliefs often buried deep inside and out ofsight strongly affect our decisions even when we are unaware
Jeff is not introspective and tends to go about his business with anair of certainty However he turns down promotions and lately
41
His dad had been promoted severaltimes within the company for whichhe worked most of his life At an olderage he was fired and replaced by ayounger man who earned less Thishappened when Jeff was a teenagerand he heard an earful as his dadblamed the bosses the ldquosystemrdquo andbad luck
Jeff picked up on the message that nomatter how hard one tries gettingahead will result in financial disasteranyway Throughout his life hegathered evidence of injusticesupporting this message Hemumbled ldquoThatrsquos the way it isrdquo untilhe no longer had to be aware of it tobase his life around it
Uncovering this core belief changedhis attitude He took time to challengethe old fear with evidence to thecontrary
42
A
message
Experience
backs it up
We repeat
the
message to
ourselves
anger rises when the manager asks him to take on more leadershipresponsibility
Jeffrsquos wife suggests he begin to question for the first time if there ismore behind these decisions Starting with the Difference Makerhe asks for help
Beliefs Baggage
Whether he accepts a promotion is not the point He is his ownman free to make decisions about his future without an underlyingfear of loss undermining his goals
Any one of us may have our sense of identity buried under moundsof such beliefs I am stupid I am annoying No one can truly loveme I do not belong herehellip and on and on it goes We watch ourdreams float past like clouds and mutter ldquoI canrsquot I am not enoughrdquo
Another point of view
Self-loathing a sense of worthlessness and negative self-talk may
Godrsquos
Thoughts
Our
Thoughts
be familiar and oddly comforting Perhaps this ishow someone significant to us treats us Maybe itis all we have known No matter how the put-downs started God wants to change our thinking
He highly values us He created people in hisimagesup1 He made humans but a little lower thanhimselfsup2
These facts do not make us little gods he alone isGod He said ldquoMy thoughts are nothing like yourthoughts and my ways are far beyond anythingyou could imaginerdquosup3
By questioning our worth are we not assuminghis thoughts are the lower ones We curse onehuman being who is made in Godrsquos likeness andoften harshly judge others who remind us ofourselves⁴
43
Take in the Difference Makerrsquos messages
I am whole as Godrsquos artFor I am Godrsquos handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do goodworks which he prepared in advance for me to do ⁵
He created my inmost being he knit me together in my motherrsquoswomb⁶
I am whole because I am newThis means that I who belong to Christ have become a new personMy old life is gone a new life has begun⁷
Because of the LORDrsquos great love I am not consumed for hiscompassions never fail They are new every morning Great is Godrsquosfaithfulness ⁸
God does not make mistakes therefore I matter God loves me with an unending love therefore I am lovable
I am human with strengths and weaknesses like everyone therefore I am as valuable
There is purpose for my life therefore I will make a differenceI am who God says I am therefore I have a unique identity
44
Taking Godrsquos point of view to heart is to embrace grace thatmysterious and priceless gift of Godrsquos favor and blessing that no onecan earn
45
I belong because I am Godrsquos childSee what great love the Father has lavished on me that I should becalled a child of God And that is what I am ⁹
I belong and am a friend of JesusI am friends with the Lord and Savior Yes Abraham believedGodhellip and he was called a friend of Godsup1⁰
He calls me friend for everything that he has learned from theFather he has made known to mesup1sup1
I am secureThough my father and mother forsake me the LORD will receivemesup1sup2
I am one of Good Shepherdrsquos sheep and I listen to his voice Heknows me and I follow him He gives me eternal life and I willnever perish No one can snatch me away for the Father is morepowerful than anyone else No one can snatch me from the Fatherrsquoshandsup1sup3
I am strong when I am weakChristrsquos grace is all I need His power works best in myweakness So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so thatthe power of Christ can work through mesup1⁴
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Thank you for making me so
wonderfully complex Your
workmanship is marvelous -
how well I know it
Psalm 13914
Practical Exercise 4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a game somethingwith a little challenge in it to help make a thought exchange So Imade one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Word-Swap
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automatically
speak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourself
names Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckhellipExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friendhellip
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might makeyou cringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
47
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look about youand write down all you have accomplished in the last 24 hours (Youread this page right That is one) No matter how small you think theaccomplishment it is evidence to the contrary of never do anythingright
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved ones tomarketers to abusers messages given us as children and older cancome from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable of realisticinsight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged false negative corebeliefs of their own Are they suggestible and reactionary with theiremotions Are they knowledgeable and wise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
48
Next test messages and messengers
5Extreme
Conclusions How I feel in this moment is how I will always feel No
one is trustworthy If the result will be perfect Irsquoll do it if not I wonrsquot try God only helps those who help themselves
Irsquoll make sure you are happy Irsquoll sleep when Irsquom dead I always do what is right and you never do If I do not get
this new job Irsquoll have to go back to the old one
Extreme conclusions are mental
destinations We travel there via trains ofthought Four main engines pull separate linesof cargo cars loaded with random thoughtsand assumptions These engines are calledBlack-and-white All-or-nothing Either-orand Pass-fail
Extreme conclusions are depressive whenexpectations are not met For example in thesports world winning is everything If an
Disclaimer Absolute truths exist as expressedthroughout this book that is not the topic here
Pass-fail
athlete with a pass-fail mindset loses the athletersquos sense of personalvalue may hang on the scoreboard
49
Primarily this mindsetjudges By dissecting life andboxing it in with manmaderules it labels situationspeople ideas emotions andeven God as all good or all
bad
Unwanted or disagreeable
Throughout a lifetime gray areas or for the sake of this chapter themiddle track is where most decisions are made We want to land atreasonable conclusions Listening learning compromising makingfair judgments and extending mercy swiftly carry us to that moresatisfying place
Once there we find closer relationships higher self-esteemforgiveness and honesty
It is imperative our thoughts ride the middle rails Outside of thatwe lose sight of options We wind up lost in Extreme Conclusionsour minds closed
Black-and-white (judgmental)
Black-and-white thinking is themonster truck of thought enginesthe gold medalist in conveyingundecipherable messages to ourbrain at speeds so fast that we areat Extreme Conclusions wellbefore we have had a chance to reconsider
50
ideas and emotions are stored out of reach and dismissed
Jesus lived in the gray Violently against hypocricy and manmadereligious laws and passionate about his Father he taught atransformative love
Do not judgesup1 open your eyes and arms to the strangersup2 and sharewith those in needsup3 he preached Greet people who are not yourpeople⁴ pray for your enemies⁵ and do to others as you wouldwant them to do to you⁶
He was radical then and still is It was against religious rules to doany work on the Sabbath yet Jesus healed people and allowed hishungry disciples to pick grain on holy days He lifted women to ahigher plane speaking to them directly and treating them with thesame respect he offered men He welcomed women to choosediscipleship Love and decency shown to the poor and sociallydespised became a hallmark of his ministry
He was not so patient with religious hypocrites
Jesus told a now-famous parable⁷ about extreme conclusions of theself-righteous black-and-white variety and their opposite
A man of a certain race and creed was beaten by robbers and left todie Two people of the same race and creed saw him lying there andignored him
Why He was inconvenient They had work to finish and religiousrules to follow Touching a dead man back then would make themceremonially unclean for seven days⁸ They would not take thechance
51
A third man came along this time of a race andcreed that shared a long-standing animositytoward the people of the robbed man Normallythese two populations did not interact or eventouch some of the same items
Social norms did not cause this third passer-by tohesitate He saw only human need and rushed tothe aid of a person dying by the side of the roadInstead of us versus them he chose middleground
He saw
only
human
need and
rushed to
the aid of
a person
dying by
the side of
the roadInstead of
us versus
them he
chose
middle
ground
He cleaned the manrsquoswounds with oil andwine bandaged hislacerations and tookhim to an inn where theowner agreed to watchover his recovery Thekind stranger paid forroom and boardpromised to check backand left to go about hisbusiness
Black and whitejudgments often have
52
nothing to do with love The Difference Makerreminds us that he holds all knowledge and weknow but part⁹ Blinded to a log in our eyes wewill hurt people by attempting speck-removalsurgery on theirssup1⁰
ldquoMake sure that the light you think you have is not actuallydarkness If you are filled with light with no dark corners then yourwhole life will be radiant as though a floodlight were filling youwith lightrdquosup1⁰∙⁵
All-or-nothing (misdirected drive)
All-or-nothing is 101 investment in a single area of life to theexclusion of all else It is a one-track train of thought
state of constant motion stress and guilt
Whatever consumes our priorities and imagination vital momentsand relationships that make life worthwhile wilt in the cabooseDepression is an unsurprising pay-off as are heart attacks Balanceis in the middle
Common modern misdirected drives such as the love of money andcontrol over onersquos destiny are also ancient
A rich young mansup1sup1 clearly spiritually sensitive approached JesusldquoI have carefully followed all the ten commandmentsrdquo he saidldquoWhat else must I do to earn eternal liferdquo
With love Jesus offered a shocking plan He suggested the man sellhis possessions and give the money to the poor This ran far deeper
Be it work education legacyfame power pursuit of moneyor anything else an all-or-nothingmindset mimics tyrannythreatening to stop us altogetherunless we remain in a deplorable
53
than asking for a donation Jesusrsquo intentions appear less aboutsacrificial giving than faith
One sect of religious teachers at the time commonly taught thatwealth proved Godrsquos approval and was a likely ticket to heaven ifheaven existed The young man went away sad and this falseteaching may be part of the reason His question had been aboutobeying rules Jesusrsquo answer challenged him to lsquobreakrsquo one of theso-called rules that provided comfort
Driven to earn more collect more and reassure himself he missedeverything he had been looking for He was afraid of losing statushis hope of salvation by a means other than Jesus
heaven what hope was there for the poor For them Theyasked ldquoWho then can be savedrdquo
Jesus said ldquoWith man this is impossible but with God all thingsare possiblerdquo In one sentence he negated the notion that anythingbut Godrsquos grace can usher people into eternal life
All-or-nothing thinking potentially affects us in any area Jesussaid ldquoNo one can serve two masters For you will hate one and lovethe other you will be devoted to one and despise the otherrdquosup1sup2
To his disciples who witnessed thisexchange Jesus said ldquoIt is easierfor a camel to go through the eye ofa needle than for a rich person toenter the kingdom of Godrdquo
They were naturally astounded atthis unfamiliar teaching If it wereimpossible for the rich to enter
54
A popular heresy is the ldquoprosperity gospelrdquo promising gulliblepeople that God wants them rich Lest there be any doubt Paulexplains this topic in a letter to the young pastor Timothy
ldquoThese are the things you are to teach and insist on If anyoneteaches otherwise and does not agree to the sound instruction of ourLord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching they are conceited andunderstand nothing They have an unhealthy interest incontroversies and quarrels about words that result in envy strifemalicious talk evil suspicions and constant friction between peopleof corrupt mind who have been robbed of the truth and who thinkthat godliness is a means to financial gain
ldquoBut godliness with contentment is great gain For we broughtnothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it But if wehave food and clothing we will be content with that Those whowant to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into manyfoolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin anddestruction For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil Somepeople eager for money have wandered from the faith and piercedthemselves with many griefshellip
ldquoCommand those who are rich in this present world not to bearrogant nor to put their hope in wealth which is so uncertain butto put their hope in God who richly provides us with everything forour enjoyment Command them to do good to be rich in gooddeeds and to be generous and willing to share In this way they willlay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the comingage so that they may take hold of the life that is truly liferdquo
1 Timothy 63-19niv
55
Either-or (limited vision)
when he applied for work on the railroad in 1944 He was tooyoung Extreme conclusions told him it was useless to try againalthough the original dream never died
It is easy to look at William and think he could have tried hardernonetheless what about us Have we given up dreaming Are westaying in abusive relationships because we cannot see a way outHave we denied ourselves recovery because it seems impossibleDo we accept mental health struggles with an ldquooh wellrdquo shrug andbalk at seeking help
Do we worship the all-powerful all-knowing always-loving ldquoGodwith usrdquosup1sup3 or keep our distance for fear he will ruin our lives
Maybe we hide behind either-or too
Train tracks mechanically move at what are aptly called switchesRailyards have complex systems allowing engines with or withoutcars to completely reverse and travel the opposite direction
Either-or narrows ourvision to only two possiblechoices It leaves no spacefor fresh solutions Livingin this mindset isdepressive becausewhatever we want outsideof these limited options islocked out of consideration
William was turned down
56
What if God plans to conduct me through the impossible
What if his strength is enough for me to try something new
What if his wisdom will guide me safely away from repeated effortsthat have never worked and into freedom
What if I survive What if I can start over What if
Maryrsquos and Martharsquos brother Lazarus was severely illsup1⁴ Worriedthe sisters sent an urgent message to Jesus Please come
His reaction is still jolting
Lazarus died To many Jesusrsquo slowness did not look like concernenough
Martha ran to meet him as he arrived at town She said ldquoIf you hadonly been here my brother would not have diedrdquo
ldquoNow Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus Sowhen he heard that Lazarus was sick he stayed where hewas two more dayshelliprdquo (italics mine)
Switches are a massive undertaking andan engineering marvel
In what we may appropriately callanother marvel the Difference Makerwillingly switches at any time our one-track thoughts If we allow Godrsquospossibilities to override our either-orfaith asks a positive ldquowhat ifrdquo
57
Mary slumped at his feet tortured by the same thought ldquoLord ifyou had been herehelliprdquo Visitors who had come to grieve with Marthaand Mary mumbled ldquoHe could have saved Lazarusrsquo lifehelliprdquo
Deeply impassioned by the lack of faith around himsup1⁵ Jesuswalked to a small cave covered by a stone It was Lazarusrsquo graveldquoMove the stonerdquo he said
ldquoBut Lordrdquo said Martha ldquoBy this time there is a bad odor for hehas been there four daysrdquo
Lazarusrsquo sisters were stuck in either-or thinking partially due to thesociety in which they grew up Among the many false religiousteachings of their day it was believed that the soul left the bodypermanently after three days
The stone out of the way Jesus called in a loud voice ldquoLazaruscome outrdquo
Lazarus emerged from the dark caveinto daylight Jesus said ldquoTake offhis grave clothes and let him gordquo
No one had expected this No onedreamed that Jesusrsquo love includedthe inexplicable
No one had
expected
this
Four days after death meant no more hopefor miracles Either Jesus had come quicklyor it was too late Either Jesus had raisedLazarus a day earlier or it was impossibleeven for him
58
The disciples had heard him say earlier that Lazarus would live Hehad informed Martha also that Lazarus would be raised Yet thatwas not enough for them to understand and believesup1⁶
Jesus wept with Mary and Martha yearning to increase their faithHe was glad to see many of the witnesses finally set aside theirdoubts
The resurrection of Lazarus was significant for another reasonWhen powerful religious leaders heard about this miracle theirsomewhat paranoid ideas about Jesus and how many people wereturning to him increased They convened as a unit to plot Jesusrsquomurder not admitting they had no power to kill him outside ofGodrsquos timing
Ultimately by waiting to answer the sistersrsquo desperate plea thecompletion of Christ Jesusrsquo great mission took place voluntarilypaying the bloody price for our sins and coming back from deathThrough the experience of Lazarus he had left his followers withproof of his power to restore life no matter the odds
The death Lazarus endured was never in vain God who exists intimelessness knew precisely what everyone needed most They sawsuffering he saw the unfolding of his perfect plan They grieved theend of a life he rejoiced at the beginning of eternal life for all whowould trust in him completely
The Difference Makerworks miracles farbeyond either-or
59
60
A pass-or-fail train of thought is brutal Without mercy itdemands an accounting for every mistake Do not think it rewardswise choices No this train is on to the next opportunity to runover its victim Most often that is you
Olivetrsquos goal is to find a job in a new career Measuring her successby using a scale of 1-100 she gives herself a 30 for returning toschool as an older adult Finishing with an Associatersquos degree sheadds another 30 She finds it difficult to land a job Does this dropher back to zero
Pass-or-fail thinking takes such a punch and does not rise All thiseffort has been a waste of time
Mercy accepts realityrsquos middles Is stamina in Olivetrsquos job searchworth 20 She counts her successful steps Already she is at 80and not yet hired
Is anything more emotionallyself-punishing than to measureourselves against an impossiblestandard The psalmist wroteldquoEven perfection has itslimitshelliprdquosup1⁷
Pass-or-fail (merciless)
Unemployed Olivet might look like a loserto some Not to God ldquoPeople judge by theoutward appearance but the Lord looks atthe heartsup1⁸
61
One of Jesusrsquo closest friends Peter was an emotional man withgood intentions and quick impulses Words tended to leap from hismouth before careful thought
He opened his mouth one time too many Only hours before Jesuswas arrested on trumped-up charges Peter vowed his allegiancesaying ldquoEven if I have to die with you I will never deny yourdquosup1⁹
Jesus said ldquoPeter before morning by the time a rooster crowstwice you will have already denied me three timesrdquo
A crowd of men armed with swords and clubs took Jesus intocustody in the middle of the night His disciples scattered in fearPeter had enough courage to follow Jesus to the trial albeit fromfar behind He found himself hiding near a campfire with guardsand others who had been at the arrestsup2⁰
A servant girl recognized him ldquoYou were one of those with Jesusrdquo
Peter answered for all those around the fire to hear ldquoI donrsquot knowwhat yoursquore talking aboutrdquo
A rooster crowed in the background
As the rumor traveled people staredA voice spoke from the shadows ldquoHeis one of themrdquo
Panicking Peter said ldquoI swear I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Other bystanders confronted him
ldquoYou must be one of his followers Youraccent gives you awayrdquo
rooster crows Agonizing shame stabbed at his heart andbeleaguered his mind You will deny me three times before therooster crows twice Bolting from that place Peter wept bitterly
If life is a pass-fail test with God Peter failed At the mostimportant moment in history he crumbled That is not the end ofPeterrsquos story
Jesus was crucified Three days later after Jesus rose to life Peterraced with all his might to the grave to see if this report weretruesup2sup1 I imagine he had never dreamed of a second chance
Jesus showed himself to the disciples several times over the nextforty days One morning as he sat with seven of them Jesus saidto Peter ldquoDo you love me more than theserdquosup2sup2
American English is limited in that we use one word for loverelying on inflection and context to fill-in-the-blanks The ancientlanguages of the Bible were more specific Jesus was asking ldquoDoyou love me dearly more than these other disciples do Do youlove me now with total commitment and devotionrdquo
62
If life is a pass-
fail test with
God Peter
failed
ldquoA curse on me if Irsquom lying I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Immediately the rooster crowedagain
Before the rooster crows Before the
Having once said he would not deny Jesus even if everyone elsedid Peterrsquos pride was tested Understanding clearly that the Lordknew him better than he knew himself he may have been afraid toanswer Perhaps he doubted his capability to love like he had beencertain he could
He said ldquoYou know that I love You with a deep personal affectionas for a close friendrdquo
ldquoThen feed my lambsrdquo Jesus told him restoring Peter to hispreaching and teaching ministry
Jesus repeated the question ldquoSimon son of John (as Peter was alsoknown) do you love me dearly more than these others do withtotal commitment and devotionrdquo
Peter stood by his original friend-type answer
ldquoThen take care of my sheeprdquo
Suddenly Jesus changed his question ldquoPeter do you love me witha deep personal affection as for a close friendrdquo
It is almost as if Jesus were questioning Peterrsquos truth-telling but doyou really Perhaps this is how Peter heard it Still torn up byshame and self-doubt his reply was emphatic ldquoYou knoweverythingrdquo
Jesus assured him in a perplexing way ldquoWhen you grow old youwill stretch out your hands and arms and someone else will dressyou and carry you where you do not wish to gordquo
63
To Peter this dire news meant that he would one day be the manhe wanted to become Unafraid to love Jesus with his whole hearthe would stare martyrdom in the eye and courageously accept thecost of following the Messiah
One can almost feel the relief that swept over Peterrsquos body makinghis arms limp and body sag Although scripture does not tell us Iimagine Peter weeping again this time in gratitude and relief
Jesus said ldquoFollow merdquo
Three years earlier Jesus had called to Peter to follow him theoriginal language meaning ldquoCome hererdquo Peter had enthusiasticallybecome a believer and devotee Why say it again
This time the word follow was an invitation to walk the same pathJesus had walked Peter had a quality decision to make He wasforgiven and grace welcomed him back Would he accept
Later Peter faced the council that had condemned Jesus to die Thiswas said of him ldquoThe members of the council were amazed whenthey saw the boldness of Peterhelliprdquosup2sup3 Yes Peter accepted and so canwe Our failures or missteps do not determine our value
Paul reflected on why God houses his great power in humanbelievers calling us ldquofragile clay jarsrdquosup2⁴
Fragility with clay feet like Peterrsquos helps to keep us from theextreme conclusion that we are wiser than God becoming big-shotsforgetting that all good and perfect gifts are from the DifferenceMakersup2⁵ who loves us with an everlasting love
64
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord Irsquom standing at the crossroads
and looking asking for the ancient
paths asking where the good way is
so I can walk in it You promise it is
there that I will find rest for my soul
Guide me Lord Amen
Based on Jeremiah 616
66
Practical Exercise 5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
67
Keep
working
68
Next know when to say yes for a most-fulfilling life
Knowing what is of utmostimportance to you will helpprevent misdirected drive
1 Take time to list all yourcurrent obligations This willinclude family friends jobfinancial expenditures physicalhealth mental health spiritualgoals what God has asked ofyou and anything that youmust finish
2 Look realistically at theabove Is there anything thatdoes not fit within your daily
availability finances emotionalenergy or physical capabilities
3 Is there anything you canremove from this list Ask forGodrsquos wisdom
What remains are your yesses
With rare exceptions everythingelse is a no Each time you agreeto secondary activities expensesor obligations you are trading-in and saying no to something(or someone) you more highlyvalue
Making new
obligations
copyNancy Virden 2012
Popularity spending
more money
entertainmenthellip
6Hopelessness
Some thoughts No win is possible Nothing can improve These losses are too heavy with only more to come God
cannot stand me anymore My family is better off without me I am a burden Everyone else is happier I cannot
fight the pain anymore Irsquom done
True hopelessness has no sense of humor It is scary and
overbearing on each minute of the day It is not somewhat hopefullike when a possibility is unlikely it is devoid of any expectationsfor good now or in the future Abject hopelessness can be fatal
This fact drives the passion behind me and many ministries andservices trying to spread another message what seems like an endis a faccedilade fakery 0ptions are only hidden in the darkness hope isalways present even when we temporarily cannot see it
If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is call
Nothing in this book is to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care
US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis text line- Text ldquoHELLOrdquo to 741-741
For other international hotlines go here
If you are suicidal with a plan immediately call 911 in the US (112 in the
EU) or go to your nearest emergency room
69
The Real
I am a suicide attempt survivor One cannot climb out of that airlesspit without having learned new ways to breathe
Only a few days after leaving the hospital I attended the PartialHospitalization Program (PHP) suggested by my doctors There apotent weapon to use against suicidal thoughts came from anunlikely source
The scene was a small room intended for about fifteen peoplecrowded instead with twenty-five or more who were scrambling forchairs A few chatting voices exposed the general climate ldquoImheaded for rehab I just got back Im going to lose my job if Imiss any more workldquo
Most of us stared silently A single therapist managed to find spaceand called everyone to quiet
At his leading one by one people offered a number between 1-5rating the power of their suicidal thoughts Most chose 2 or 3 A fewof us with higher numbers were challenged to offer specific plansfor staying safe until the next day One man was sent back to thehospital
Then a woman spoke quietly A thought is just a thought I guesswe do not have to act on itldquo
I was stunned Her simple logic sounded profound to a braintangled in disorder and raging mood swings A thought ishellip only athought I tried to sort it out But how I feel now is how I willalways feelhellip
70
it differently but Iwill try to offer aglimpse into thatdark space
Alone in a pitch-black alley youcollapse to theground soundless
Unless you have been there it will be difficult to comprehend thegrueling emotions of a suicidal mindset Each person experiences
groans wrenching from deep within your torso
Thick briers and vipers pervade the trail that led you here Foryears you have navigated treacherous mountains of jagged rocksand falling boulders Your body is broken and bloodied
If you could or wanted to move the only way to continue yourjourney would be to grasp with ripped open hands the barbed wirefence by which you entered the alley place your torn feet on itsspikes and climb
Snarls in the blackness feel warm to your face A feral angry caninesnaps at you brushing your clothes with bared teeth Without fearyou sense it is a friend Its hungry jowls are only waiting for you todecide
As the only visible option outside of returning to the torture of whatcannot change the caninersquos guarantee is welcome hellip
Imagine then in that hopeless place hearing that the snarlingpromise is only a thought
71
The Difference Maker
It is the strangest thing When therapy started in 2011 I feltvulnerable like a toddler I could feel that inner child growing upto 6 10 then teen over the next months and years In my actualmid-fifties I declared my new 20 God gave me a chance toemotionally redo childhood safely this time while he re-parentedme with truth
What I had been so certain I could not live without never came tobe Some of the losses I feared have occurred Joy today comesfrom having rediscovered who our Creator intended me to becomePeace is from healing on the inside and finally having my hopewhere it belongs in the love of Jesus Christ
Pressure made it
nearly impossible
to breathe the
only air - leaking
from a cracked
sewer pipe
Marco was buried alive A wall of dirtand rock crashed over him forcinghis legs into a backward twist andlanding him head downwardPressure on his chest made it nearlyimpossible to breathe the only airavailable leaking from a crackedsewer pipe
The day passed as frantic rescueefforts continued Finally Marco waswhisked away to the nearest hospitalHe had been buried for eleven hours
Resulting physical disabilities make daily life challenging YetMarco has chosen contentment over bitterness Calm andcompassion have replaced old self-centered and impatient ways
72
The foundational extreme conclusion of hopelessness is thatnothing can change It may be true that our circumstances orrelationships will not change as we would like Perhaps it is we whocan change Maybe what we think we need for happiness is worthreconsidering
ldquoForget the former things do not dwell on the pastrdquo God saysldquoSee I am doing a new thing Now it springs up do you notperceive it I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in thewastelandsup1
My biggest leap toward a return to mental health was making awary deliberate decision to learn how to enjoy the life God gave tome Hope begins to appear when we choose to believe for it
The One who sees you
God loves you He cares about you He is not distant too busy ordistracted The LORD is close to the brokenheartedsup2 He whowatches over you will not slumbersup3
Hagar⁴ as an Egyptian slave pregnant and in a contentiousrelationship with the woman she served had run out of optionsShe ran away into the desert where the angel of the Lord met her
He said God was aware of her misery He promised she was havinga son who would be as free as a wild donkey⁴∙⁵ and the father ofmany nations
No doubt she carried deep longing for any future children to be freefrom slavery Reassured of her own future too she said ldquoYou arethe God who sees merdquo
73
As you walk secret trails through unwanted memories of shameand torment and you believe you are a waste of skin there isOne who knows you completely and loves
Overwhelmed in a desert of grief and questions seeing only moreloss in your tomorrows there is One who weeps with you whostands with you in broken-heartedness
He loves the child once so battered by other peoples sins He lovesthe adult in need of rescue from your own sins He sent his Son forboth and offers salvation and healing to each part of you
So when you believe there is no hope for change and everyonewill be better off without you there is One who sees hears knowsand loves
Go ahead ask him to meet you where you are He is the only Onewith the power to guide you through the next minute hour dayand year Reach out to Almighty God your Difference Maker
In your alley of hopelessness alonewhen fear of staying alive swampsyour mind and suicide seems theonly way out there is One who seesyou
Buried alive under mounds ofdespair and emptiness lying in thedark corner of a lifeless roomthere is One who hears your silentscreams and understands what youcannot speak
74
Dear child of God you are not failing him
which can come with depression From fellowship topersonal Bible study to a sense of Godrsquos love it was all missing
Of course at the time I had no idea of a physical cause for thisspiritual struggle It seemed my fault Abject lonelinesshopelessness a sense of worthlessness and guilt were what I knewPain Sorrow Torment Repeat
Occasional one-word whispered prayers lifted from my bed I criedfor what seemed like the absence of God
Then I saw Jesus There he stood in a mental picture a gift fromheaven He did not speak chase suffering away or take me to bewith him Unfelt he was only there with me in the dark I knewChrist Jesus never left
Relearning how to think resolving terrible situations physicalhealing of the brain these take a while God never walks away⁵His promises keep⁶ His love endures forever ⁷
Without a doubt the most significant lossand cause of grief as I struggled with severedepression was the inability to hear Godrsquosvoice I feared he would never speak to meagain that I had gone too far I feltspiritually dead
It was not true How can one be spirituallydead and care about it Typical experiencesaccompanying my Christian faith were outof reach due to cognitive and energy issuesand anxiety
75
1 Empathy2 Impulse Control3 Self-knowing Awareness
and Insight4 Fear Modulation5 Body Regulation6 Intuition7 Morality8 Emotion Regulation
1 Fear Processing2 Initiates the Fight Flight or
Freeze Response3 Emotional Learning4 Form Memories Related to
Intense Emotions Like Fear and Pleasure
5 Involved in Experiencing Anxiety
6 Reward ProcessingFigure 1
F U N C T I O N S
F U N C T I O N S
A few scientific facts (simplified so I can understand them) mayhelp clarify why spiritual vagueness might accompany depressionor anxiety
During an episode with depression the prefrontal cortex of ourbrain wrestles to varying degrees to function as normal Scans haveshown little activity there in a person with severe depressionResults may include impaired concentration confusion increasedimpulsivity mood swings heightened anxiety and a state offatigue
Our amygdala is also on overdrive so we are thrust into fightflight or freeze survival mode We may lose our ability to feelanything good
76
When a delivery is made to a wrong address everything in thepackage exists in full but is unavailable to the rightful owner Inthe same way while we are dealing with depression the advice torest in Godrsquos love know his joy and fill our minds with his peacelands at the wrong doorstep We have faith nevertheless there isno felt connection to him We do not experience God or lovingGod
With input running through this filter we may believe we arespiritual failures I am not good enough for God hersquos tired of meministry is over These thoughts are untrue and not how Godviews his dear children
Scripture shares testimonies of God meeting people at their pointsof need without chiding them Accounts of faith riding outdepression⁸ comfort after sorrow⁹ protection during panicsup1⁰good news calming anxietysup1sup1 and trust during hopelesssituationssup1sup2 are numerous In Elijahrsquos story alone we have abeautiful example of Godrsquos tenderness toward a deeply depressed
prophet who struggled with suicidal thoughtssup1sup3
your thoughts comings and goings motives and emotionssup1⁴ Heknows your complete story
Our Creator understands how the brain works Is God who notices
By restricting mental health challenges tothe realm of the spiritual or to the moralwe disregard the body and mind aspects ofour complete person
Look at your whole self as God does Hesees you and knows your name He knows
77
every sparrow that falls unaware of your confusionsup1⁵ Hispromises to turn all things out for our good and to grow our faiththrough trials do not imply quick work Be patient with yourselfOne day at a time as you are ready God will reveal what he wantsyou to know
If you cannot feel him while severely depressed he has not goneanywhere You are not failing the Difference Maker byexperiencing the painful emotion of hopelessness
God gives us people
Proverbs 1814-16 was written by King Solomon a champion ofseeking wise counsel It reads ldquoThe human spirit can endure insickness but a crushed spirit who can bear The heart of thediscerning acquires knowledge for the ears of the wise seek it outrdquo
Ultimately it is your and my responsibility to save our lives andescape hopelessness Like a child trying to lift a rock twice her sizewe are not using all our available strength if we do not turn to onewho is able to assist
The Difference Maker can lead us to people he has gifted withknowledge and talent to help us with our specific needs
Family and friendsExpectations for support from family and friends might be a let-down Each of us only knows his own despondency and joysup1⁶
Just as we cannot fully understand how others feel or experiencelife loved ones and friends who genuinely care for our wellbeingdo not always know what to say or do when we express hopelessness
78
It is vital we understand this Otherwise in a fragile state we mightmisperceive their unhelpfulness or distance as lack of love
In their great fear of losing you or normalcy or withunsubstantiated guilt for your despair significant others may reactangrily in a controlling fashion or defensively Your calmestfriends might resort to platitudes and examples of when they weredepressed once and got over it quickly
Forgive them Tell them what you need Ask for what you need Letthem make mistakes We cannot mindread and presume to knowtheir motives either
Mental healthcare professionals
Most of us go to a mechanic to havesomeone with skill fix our car We wouldnot stay long if they started knitting newparts There is nothing helpful to gainfrom opinions without experience or
insight either
79
ldquoWalk with the wise and become wiserdquosup1⁷ Professional mentalhealth caretakers are available almost everywhere whether onlineover the phone or in person Licensing means they have receivedthe necessary training for walking people through uniquechallenges that present with mental illness personality and otherdisorders trauma addiction and relationship dynamics
Two terms frequently confused are psychiatrist and psychologistPsychiatrists are medical doctors (MD or DO) Like all medicalspecialists it is their job to assess symptoms and prescribe a course
80
of action Psychiatrists rarely offer psychotherapy (talk therapy)Office visits are usually about 15 minutes They prescribemedication based on revealed symptoms
Psychologists generally are talk therapists with a doctorate inpsychology (PsyDPhD) Sessions with clients typically run 50-60minutes These sessions may vary in style based on any givendoctorrsquos preferred approach Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)has statistically proven more effective for depression and anxietythan other therapy methods
Licensed therapists may practice within specialties such as traumaor addiction Common abbreviations you may have seen includeLMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist LPC (LicensedProfessional Counselor) LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)There are also LPAs (Licensed Psychological Associates) LifeCoach and Peer Support certificates do not include the advancedtraining required for most therapists unless the individual hassought those degrees as well
Christian counselors and pastorspriestsSome believers insist they must see a Christian counselor Thereare of course different perspectives to this
DW leads a ministry for pastors in need of mental health servicesHe said ldquoI would rather people see [a non-believer therapist] whoknows what he is doing than a Christian who does notrdquo
The titles Christian Counselor or Pastoral Counselor are not anautomatic assumption of extensive training Not everyone isequipped to use the Bible effectively for psychiatric or behavioralhealth issues
81
Because a woman advertised herself as a Christian counselor Iwent to see her Within three weeks I realized her version of faithwas the humanistic concept of a christ-within We are our ownsaviors and deity according to her No that is idolatry notauthentic Christian faith which acknowledges One God one Savior
Except for a single time I have sought licensed mental healthprofessionals who follow Jesus A secular psychiatrist was patientwith my faith until I mentioned hearing from God Then shethought I had lost touch with reality
Both the christ-within counselor and the psychiatrist were limitedbecause they could not understand the most important part of howI think Godrsquos Word is my guide honoring God is my highest goaland listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit is imperative
Your story is not over
Her tattoo seemed meaningless Whywould anyone want a semi-colon onher upper arm Years later I wear asemi-colon ring
As a punctuation mark the semi-colonis placed where a sentence could endbut the author decides to continue Forsuicide attempt survivors around theworld it is a symbol of choosing to liveout onersquos story after wanting to closethe book
Semi-colon commodities are shows of solidarity of hope and for
82
some a reminder We are making our stories known so you toowill realize that hopelessness does not define your futureRegardless of what you may feel hear us Your story is not over Itis time for a new chapter
Godrsquos plan for you
is not done
he has
much to show you
I am glad you are
alive God feels
that way about you
too
We found out it is
true our
lives are
not futile
Dear supports
Job (pronounced jobe) lived about 4000 years ago His story ispreserved in the Bible book titled with his namesup1⁸ Jobrsquosprosperity comfort and high standing role as judge and advisorwere unmatched
In one day Job lost about a third of his farm animals thousands ofthem to robbery and the rest about 7000 to fire Most of hisfarm hands were murdered by the robbers and his shepherds diedin the fire Only three men survived to tell Job what hadhappened
While Job reeled from this disastrous news a fourth man ran up
ldquoMasterrdquo the servant said ldquoyour sonrsquos house collapsed underpowerful winds All ten of your children were inside IhellipI am theonly survivorrdquo
Job sunk to the ground in a daze As was befitting such sadness inhis culture he shaved his head tore his clothes and sat in ashes
Soon he developed from head to toe a ldquoburning ulcerationrdquo of hisskin This illness commonly translated in the plural as boils issingular in the original Hebrew language in which it was recordedMost likely black leprosy swollen open sores turned all his skinblack and crusty until it eventually fell off Job scratched at intenseitching with a broken piece of pottery
His bones deteriorated Nightmares invaded his sleep Hestruggled to eat becoming gaunt and weak ldquoJust curse God anddierdquo his wife said in her own grief
83
People who used to look up to him now mocked him Young peopledared spit in his face The disease was contagious and incurable inJobrsquos time so even his servant responded only when Job begged Hewas humiliated and lonely
Stripped of everything three supports still managed to add to hissuffering
Jobrsquos friends came to visit as soon as they heard the news Shockedthey barely recognized him For seven days and nights they offeredthe kind of support we long for when feeling hopeless In silencethey sat nearby his suffering too great for words
Job spoke first Anguish poured from the pit in his belly Hequestioned the value of his life wondering why he had ever beenborn and why God would not let him die now
ldquoWhat I always feared has happened to me I have no rest onlytrouble comesrdquo he said
Immediately one agitated friend accused him of foolish talkdismissing his emotions as irrelevant compared to propriety
Each piled on
84
ldquoYou sound like a blustering windrdquo
ldquoListen God is doubtless punishing yourdquo
ldquoYour children must have sinned against him so their punishmentwas well deserved toordquo
Invalidation and judgment swallowed compassion whole Theycontinued their drivel ldquoWho are you to question Godrsquos wisdomYou need to be quiet and listen to us If you would only admit yoursin life would be happy againrdquo
In a cruel twist these arguments forced the one who was sufferingto defend his pain Instead of helping or comforting his friendsdragged fragile Job across the burning sands of rejectionfrustration and emotional abandonment
Dear supports learn from these men They were sorely wrong andGod said sosup1⁹
Why platitudes do not helpThe Great Physician and Counselor Jesus Christ heals with thethread of his Word He reaches for the darkest wounds in a humansoul and stitches them precisely and accurately one at a timeThere in the recesses the Word of God is counsel and lightsup2⁰
Three least helpful responses to someone feeling depressed orhopeless are anger and demand absence and fake cheeriness orplatitudes
Sharon inherited her childhood home and immediately tore downthe wall her mother used to bang her head against as a child
85
86
How can telling Sharon to forgive her mother take root if shame isall she has known Help her tear down the reminder wall first thenshe can stop staring at it and listen
Edward carries a full water bottle everywhere to subtly remindhimself he is not drowning when flashbacks threaten to send himinto a panic Why would the advice to have more faith encouragehim when he has never felt safe Give him water bottles first Asfear subsides he will hear the glad message
Aiesha carries a list of affirmations to read when her dadrsquosparalyzing voice creeps into her thoughts telling her she isworthless What will she do with promises of an identity in Christwhen she does not know what an identity is Fill Aiesharsquos emptylove tank first then her functioning heart can learn to see thedaughter God saw as he created her
Supports dare not try to rush the healing process by makingsomeone feel small and inadequate at feeling better Let us notdismiss the Difference Makerrsquos tender provision of patience andtiming
He has the wisdom and means to retrain a crippled thoughtprocess and belief system Meticulously and gently he cleans outand sews up layers of hurt and unhelpful thinking at a speed eachof his children can handle
Warning signs of suicide
From NIMHnihgovThe behaviors listed below may be signs that someone is thinkingabout suicide If these warning signs apply to you or someone youknow get help as soon as possible particularly if the behavior is newor has increased recently
Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill themselves Talking about feeling empty hopeless or having no reason to live Planning or looking for a way to kill themselves such as searching
for lethal methods online stockpiling pills or buying a gun Talking about great guilt or shame Showing despair or suicidal themes in original artwork or music Talking about feeling trapped or that there are no solutions Feeling unbearable pain (emotional pain or physical pain) Talking about being a burden to others Using alcohol or drugs more often Acting anxious or agitated Withdrawing from family and friends Changing eating andor sleeping habits Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge Taking great risks that could lead to death Displaying extreme mood swings from very sad to very calm
happy Giving away important possessions Saying goodbye to friends and family Putting affairs in order making a will
If you support a loved one or friend who struggles withhopelessness it is important to access resources andinformation Be prepared to support them well Gohere and here
87
Prayer to the Difference Maker
For the glory of your name
O Lord preserve my life
Because of your faithfulness
bring me out of this distress
Amen
Psalm 14311
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have the energy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeutic Even baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make your own
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that
Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list
Play music
Set the table
Take a shower
Sit with the family
Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today
Go for a walk with a person or your dog
Eat a healthy meal
Attend participate in a support group
Paint a picture or put a puzzle together
Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor
Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Practical Exercise 6 Live a little
89
Next allow hope
Think about your values as a guide Write downwhat is important to you and keep the list whereyou can see it Each day after you have a choicestick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
Lower your stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
For more ideas visit stress management here
90
Consider climbing these next few steps bottom to top in your search for professional help
If you are in crisis now do not wait Call 911 immediately or go toyour nearest emergency room
5 Feel free to switch You are doing
the hiring Find help not more confusion
1 Pray Ask the Difference Maker
to lead you to the right person Keep
praying even after you are in
sessions
4 Interview therapists Be specific
about what you need Ask a support to
do the interviewing for you if you are
not strong enough
3 Get recommendations for
therapists and doctors if possible
from believers of Jesus who have
received professional help Go here for
a reference page
2 Do not use stigma to
determine what method
of treatment will work
for you Listen to those
in-the-know
91
Envy secretly resents those who have what she wants Hence shecannot reflect the image of God who already owns everything Hehas no reason to envy
7Jealousy and Envy
Some thoughts Why canrsquot I have the family he does She has a dream job must be nice Hersquos had all the advantages I want my co-workerrsquos car Itrsquos not fair I want my wife here with me Who are these ldquofriendsrdquo he keeps talking about
Jealousy and Envy are notidentical Envy is the quiet sisterwhose eyes flit back and forthnever satisfied with who she isor what she has Hungry for theelusive she does not rememberher own blessings Her pursuitof happiness in a thing personor achievement focuses only onthe future
Twin sisters Jealousy and Envy are destructive to our
wellbeing They are intrusive obnoxious and interfere with ourpeace We do well to run the other way when we see these siblingscoming
92
The sister Jealousy robs people and atmospheres of joy Forinstance she might mumble ldquomust be nicerdquo if the object of herjealousy tries to share a happy story She complains bitterly
Jealousy acts possessively when someone she claims to loverefuses her control She makes threats and seeks vengeance Oftensuspicious energized by insecurity jealousy is nicknamed agreen-eyed monster for good reason
The Lord said this about himself ldquoDo not worship any othergod for the LORD whose name is Jealous is a jealous Godrdquosup1 Theword jealous in this verse in the original written language refersonly to God There is no resemblance to human jealousy which isseverely flawed
Godrsquos jealousy is holy He is jealous for us (not of us) because wegive our devotion to things that offer no hope He is not in a rivalryover our souls because he has no rival He is not jealous of anothergod because he is the Only True God He simply wants his people
to honor him to stay in the relationship
Unfortunately jealousy in the human form is unproductiveAccording to James ldquoWhere jealousy and selfish ambition existthere will be disorder and every vile practiceldquosup2 King Solomon alsowarned ldquoA heart at peace gives life to the body but envy rots thebonesldquosup3
Run for your life from the sisters
People are lost in the peripheral when we zero in on what theyhave Are we more drawn to the bling in a home or to the personwho invited us there
93
HumilityThe word humble means to dismiss self-reliance and become fully-dependent on God according to the original written language ofthe New Testament
Joe burned with anger so deep he thought it would kill him Hecried out to God for vengeance and relief from the cause of hispain The Holy Spirit nudged him toward humble willingnessFinally Joe prayed ldquoLord change merdquo
Do we hear what someone is saying or plot how to sound smarter
Are we glad for the friend who has what we want or do we sit backin bitterness
Jealousy and Envy isolate us emotionally keeping us too busycomparing to care Unable to give love fully we cannot receive it
either
Humility Willingness and Love are the Difference Makerrsquosbouncers ready to prevent thoughts of jealousy and envy fromovershadowing our joy
Like Joe humility takes responsibilityfor onersquos heart and refrains fromcasting blame everywhere else Joe washappy to discover his anger gonewithin a few days replaced by mercy
Humility gives us that freedom toexamine ourselves unafraid to setdenial aside Self-protection cannot
94
95
compare to Godrsquos great love Once aware of our need for mercy and his forgiveness we can offer it to others
Paul challenged his readers ldquoIn your relationships with oneanother have the same mindset as Christ Jesus Who being invery nature God did not consider equality with God something tobe used to his own advantage rather he made himself nothing bytaking the very nature of a servant being made in human likenessAnd being found in appearance as a man he humbled himself bybecoming obedient to death mdash even death on a crossrdquo⁴
Willingness is slippery It can be emotional and reactionaryreluctant and resigned or surrendered and devoted Willingness isproven by action
A man had two sons He went to the first and said ldquoSon go andwork today in the vineyardrdquo
ldquoI will notrdquo the boy answered Nonetheless he soon changed hismind and obeyed his father
The man went to his second son and requested he go to thevineyard to work This boy answered ldquoI will sirrdquo and never went
Jesus told the above parable⁵ to challenge stuffy holier-than-thoureligious leaders whose claims to know God were at odds with theirunacceptance of Godrsquos Son They were like the boy who said yesand did not follow through
Meanwhile societyrsquos unreligious outcasts were coming to JesusLike the first son they changed their minds and began doing whatthe heavenly Father asks of us
Love is described best in what many call The Love Chapter⁷ in theBible We learn first that love is kind Love celebrates with thosewho are glad and aches alongside people who are in sorrow⁸
We will never find the selfish sisters Jealousy and Envy trulysharing in a personrsquos joy Instead they smile and squeak out tersecongratulations while sincere love stands proud of theaccomplishments and blessings of others unafraid of their success
Neither do the sisters grieve for the sake of anotherrsquos heart Inworst case scenarios jealousy and envy are glad when people whoseem to have better lives suffer
Continuing with the definition of love we see it does not envy orboast it is not proud God said ldquoLet not the wise boast of theirwisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast oftheir riches but let the one who boasts boast about this that theyhave the understanding to know me that I am the LORD who
Thankfully the Difference Maker is working to change us from theinside-out to grow our willingness so we can join him in his goodpurposes⁶
96
exercises kindness justice and righteousness on earth for in theseI delightrdquo⁹
Love is not rude It respectfully honors others instead of focusing onselfish ambition Love always protects so gossip and assumptionsare not part of our conversations
Love is patient not easily angered It is not delighted with thefailings and miseries of people who do wrong so it does not compilebitter records Instead love trusts and hopes
Trust and hope are not the same as denial and duplicity Lovecelebrates all truth even uneasy truth Love perseveres but doesnot enable addiction abuse or other sins Real love is tough
Too often the term love is equated with sex or a temporary high ofdelight ldquoIf you love me yoursquoll sleep with merdquo is manipulative as isldquoif you make me happy I will love yourdquo These sentiments areproud dishonoring self-seeking unkind and unprotective
Love built on what is given to us or how someone makes us feelhas no foundation and teeters on whether we tire of the gifts andhow soon those warm fuzzy feelings wear off The love of God is notdependent on superficial beauty or favors His love never fails
Jesus said ldquoDo not love the world or anything in the world Ifanyone loves the world love for the Father is not in them Foreverything in the worldmdashthe lust of the flesh the lust of theeyes and the pride of lifemdashcomes not from the Father but from theworldrdquosup1⁰
Take those eyes off the world
97
Humility of attitude willingness to act and sincere love do notstare at what only might be
Picture a lawn overrun by weeds1 Humility realizes the lawn is not so beautiful and no bragging
rights are appropriate2 Willingness pulls the weeds3 It is love that kills the weedsrsquo roots and plants fresh seed
When those weeds growing in our thoughts are jealousy and envythe same principle applies
and lift toward heaven in gratitude for what God has so generouslygiven
Paul admitted ldquoAt one time we too were foolish disobedientdeceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures Welived in malice and envy being hated and hating one another Butwhen the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared he savedus not because of righteous things we had done but because of hismercyrdquosup1sup1
We have much for which to be thankful Gratitude is our escapefrom the sisters
The purveyor of love whose verynature is love the Difference Makerfills us with his perfect brand of loveWe lose the need to control or pursuepersons to drag love out of resistantrelationships or to chase after whatwe think might please us next Oureyes turn from what we do not have
98
100
Prayer to theDifference Maker
Thank You Jesus because you
died for everyone so that we
who receive your new life will
no longer live for ourselves I
want to be one who lives for
You Christ Jesus because You
died and were raised for me
Based on 2 Corinthians 15
100
Example Thought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social event learnto be a good friend Reach out to her in kindness
Do something of value to earn respect speak kindwords to and about him work on honest ways toimprove your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thank Godthose people are comfortable and not hungry orcold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to go outwith your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
Practical Exercise 7 Act Opposite
To keep jealousy and envy from overtaking your relationship withGod and thought life act opposite of how you feel Disappointmenttriggers jealous and envious thoughts What step can you take in theopposite direction
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Next do the amazing
What if you did something so shocking itamazes even you What if you went socounter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things
If you will do it this challenge will shake your world and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it more orto a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarranted criticismit is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of running woulda-if-onlyon a loop how about making the situation into a game
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
These ideas are radical Will you try
101
8Destructive Blame
Some thoughts My childhood was dysfunctional so I cannot succeed If it werent for so-n-
so I would be happy right now You make the decisions-it is your fault if I do not like them People make me lose my temper I will not trust God because church-goers
are hypocrites
Some thoughts My neighborrsquos dog bit me itrsquos my fault for
leaving the house My marriage might have worked if Irsquod done everything better My boss threw a clipboard
because I am a disappointment I should have been a better child and I would
not have been abused
Now we have met the sisters let me introduce the Destructive
brothers Blame and his other brother Blame These two arefishermen with strange styles
Blame 1 is a confused fishermanwho seems to miss the pointCasting generous portions ofblame in every direction it doesnot matter to him where itlands He does not fish with ahook It is not his intention tocatch anything that might endup back in his boat
102
Blame 1 had a difficult past and it is fair to empathize with thatHowever he will not review options He refuses to accept his powerto change His style of fishing is best described as cast cast andcast
Blame 2 is quirkier still He owns a boat but it is so full of catchesthat it will no longer float So he swims grabs what he can anddrags it back to shore
Trouble is he does not catch healthy fish but rather the blame hisbrother is doling out Blame 2 collects it stores it and never castsany of it away His style of fishing is collect whatever floats
Blame 2 has also had a tough life It is appropriate to care about hispains However like his brother Blame 1 he is not very open tochange
While toxic shame does not let go of mistakes destructive blame isabout shifting responsibility
Casting Blame
Casting blame transfers responsibility anywhere except on personalpoor choices This is frequently blatantly obvious
A man questioned a tax consultant about concerns related to his2020 stimulus check from the government He had left his first wifeand children and started a new family Where was his secondcheck ldquoDoesnrsquot the President know I have another family to careforrdquo
The tax consultantrsquos reply was crisp ldquoYou alone are responsiblehelliprdquo
103
Tam came to town for a funeral and claimed to be low on cash Wewere strangers and seeing her plight I invited her stay in myhome for two to three days One week later with a days-longheadache and nerves already jumping over the edge I dropped heroff at the airport
Decades ago she had moved several states away from her familyOn her first visit in years she screamed obscenities at them overher phone for hours a day This was only a few feet from my homeoffice hence the headache She spread lies among her relatives tome to a mutual friend and to my pastor
What I heard was her avoiding responsibility Casting blame feelsgood in the moment because it instantly relieves shame andaccountability It is not sustainable
Casting blame
is an efficient
means of
skipping
guard duty
over onersquos
wellbeing
One reason casting blame is depressive isthat the blamer must work harder andharder at rationalizing or denyingpersonal mistakes and wrongdoingsDepression perhaps is no surprise when apattern of bold-face lying becomes tooheavy a load
Blame conveniently pushes the burden ofchange elsewhere A blamer can rest inthe familiarity of pain although it is theirchief complaint In this way castingblame is an efficient means of skippingguard duty over onersquos wellbeing
104
ldquoFools make fun of guilthelliprdquo King Solomon wrotesup1 John explains
ldquoIf we claim we have no sin we are only fooling ourselvesrdquosup2
Waiting for the world to adjust to our wishes shields us fromseeing flaws in our attitude and behavior This is what blame doesform a blinder around our minds until we are barely free tounderstand the truth
Like Blame 1 cannot leave his boat casting blame keeps us stuck
Blaming GodHigh School senior Jarrad sees himself as a class clownconsistently and excessively talking throughout his classes both in-person and online until everyone is laughing His online teachers
try muting him and he resorts to physical antics
With his screen darkened toother students Jarrad texts themduring class Finally theprincipal steps in with a warningstop it or earn suspension
Jarradrsquos behavior does notimprove One month later hereturns to class with moredisruptive hilarity often at theexpense of teachers
His parents are aware and havedealt with their son However they work all day and Jarrad shrugsoff their discipline Expulsion is the last resort What other optionsremain for the school
105
Jarradrsquos refusal to change his rebellious ways eventually bringsabout his separation from those who try to help The schoolsystem teachers principal and Jarradrsquos parents have notabandoned him While leaders give him multiple opportunities tomaintain his education Jarrad will not have it
God does not throw us away either We have the power to detachfrom him and his influence at great personal cost Our insistence onrebellion weakens the relationship and eventually separates usfrom him Our sins hide his face so that he will not hearsup3
All too often ldquoa personrsquos own foolishness leads to their ruin yettheir heart rages against the Lordrdquo said Solomon⁴ Blaming Godfor difficulties resulting from our poor decisions is futile⁵ Ourungodly desires (thoughts) entice and drag us into sinful acts If weallow sin to blossom and grow large in our life it gives birth todeath⁶ Relationships occupations reputations opportunities andlives are at risk
God disciplines us for our good⁷ Like a child who learned in theprincipalrsquos office not to throw an eraser at her teacher a secondtime (excuse me while I clear my throat) if it takes hardship to getour attention he will allow it This kind of pain is a blessingbecause in his patience he never stops calling us or loving us backto life Solomon wrote ldquoDo not be upset when he corrects you Forthe LORD corrects those he lovesrdquo⁸
Our choices affect other peopleJarradrsquos regular interruptions slow classes down affect theauthority of teachers and frustrate serious students His expulsionis in part for the sake of everyone elsersquos education
106
Godrsquos hand of discipline on our heads may be for the protectionand blessing of other people too Rebellion hurts our parentsrsquofeelings⁹ Acts of foolishness harm societysup1⁰
The commandments to not commit adultery murder steal andthe restsup1sup1 are summed up in ldquoLove your neighbor as yourselfrdquosup1sup2
Love does no harmsup1sup3
Our choices affect our blessingsIf I pray for you to be blessed I am asking God to show you hisdivine favor Blessed is often equated with happiness contentmentor joy
Jarrad is missing out on a good education that we all know wouldgrant him more options in the future In a similar way we take apass on the greatest blessings from heaven by choosing to focus ontemporary feel-good moments Selfishness never fulfills us
The Bible says ldquoBlessed are thosehelliprdquo bull who are poor in spirit (devoid of spiritual arrogance)bull who grievebull who are gentlebull who hunger and thirst for integrity purity and rightness of
thinkingbull who are mercifulbull who are the peacemakersbull who are persecuted for righteousness sakesup1⁴bull who are kind to the poorsup1⁵bull who are not offended by Jesussup1⁶bull whose disobedience is forgivenbull whose lives are lived in complete honestysup1⁷bull whose hope is in the Lord their Godsup1⁸
107
Our choices affect spiritual productivity and growthJesus compared himself to a grapevine God the Father to agardener and us to branches God prunes that is trims backspiritually healthy branches so they will produce even morespiritually healthy fruitsup1⁹
Sometimes this process stings although there is no fear ofcondemnationsup2⁰ God is developing in us in increasing measurehis loving practicessup2sup1
Like a tree or grapevine what we produce will prove our natureWe know Jarrad is not exemplifying personal honor or concern forothers If he allows God to change his thinking he will still struggleto win back peoplersquos trust and supportsup2sup2
Goodness
Trutha tree of life
saving lives
Patience
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Testimony
Spiritually healthy fruitsup2sup3
108
Our choices affect our eternal reward
The Olympics were a big deal in ancient Greece where they firstorganized the competition Winners received crowns made fromplants Of course these shriveled up quickly
Paul spoke of a crown that will notwither Comparing the games and victorycrowns to a spiritual race he said ldquoTheydo it to win a prize that will fade awaybut we do it for an eternal prizerdquosup2⁴
The crown of life is the reward that Godhas promised to those who love himsup2⁵Paul says ldquoI press on to reach the end
of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God throughChrist Jesus is calling usrdquosup2⁶
Bearing in mind all the self-destructive choices we make why dowe blame the Difference Maker when life does not meet ourexpectations
Collecting misdirected blame
Straight up let us admit that innumerable circumstances andconsequences causing our suffering are the fault of others Thisincludes terrible acts people commit against us and how we feelemotionally or physically at that moment
We develop false guilt by accepting accountability for events out ofour control Once an adult what we choose to take in is up to usWe are not helpless
109
A tyrannical boss catches every one of his personal assistantrsquosmistakes and invents a few too He enjoys verbally abusing Mari byberating and mocking her in front of other employees He does nothave to accept responsibility for his decisions gone wrong becauseof his convenient scape goat
Facing this each day creates an atmosphere in which Mari begins toquestion herself Maybe I am clumsy and nit-witted I did notremember to fetch the folder he demanded I misspelled a clientrsquosname
Often misdirected blame is dotted with just enough truth to makeit difficult to weed out
Mari did make a mistake TrueShe has made more than one mistake TrueShe is accused of other mistakes TrueShe is responsible for anything beyond her actual mistakes FalseShe blames herself for her bossrsquos discomfort This is false guilt
AbuseAbuse is taking advantage of someone who is physicallyemotionally psychologically intellectually or in some way unableto stop the abuse In Marirsquos case at first she is unable to stop theverbal abuse because she would lose her job
A woman like Mari who is beginning to believe she is worthy ofharsh reprimand needs some psychological support to recognizethe manipulative lies of her boss She is too full of self-doubt tomeaningfully stand up for herself
Every form of abuse is about power and control Abusers blame lie
110
111
and manipulate to gain and maintain control over their target Asconsummate actors their public appearance is misleading Ifcaught or accused they know how to cry or they cry because theyare not getting their way In religious settings they know thelanguage of the faith and will use it to sound repentant Apologiesare unspecific unless they parrot the accuser
HumiliationPutting down your partner Calling your partner names Constant criticisms Making your partner feel like they are crazy or guilty Humiliating your partner in front of people Embarrassing your partner
Power and
Control
IntimidationYelling or screaming Using a threatening tone Talking down Threatening to hurt yourself or your partner Making your partner feel afraid Tearing up pictures Smashing gifts Destroying objects Slamming doors Throwing things
Treating your partner like a baby
property or servant Making all of the decisions
Having expectations that no one can meet Controlling who
your partner sees or spends time with Setting all the rules in the
relationship
Domination ThreatsSaying you cannotlive with your partner Telling your partner you will leave them somewhere if they do not do what you say Constantly threatening to find someone else Saying yoursquoll commit suicide of you break up
Sexual Abuse
Bragging about your sexual relationship
Making comparisons Flirting to make your partner
jealous Using drugsalcohol to get sex Pressuring your partner
Using emotional abuse to coerce sex Rape
Physical AbuseHolding your partner so they cannot
leave Slamming them intosomething Hiding your partnerrsquos
bruises Grabbing Slapping Hitting Shoving Punching
Kicking Poisoning Drugging
Minimization and Blame
Possessiveness Using jealousy as a sign
of love Accusing your partner of cheating on you Not letting your partner have other friends
Telling your partner how to think dress and act
Not accepting responsibility for your actions Making a
joke when you hurt your partner Telling or showing
your partner everything is their fault Acting like
abuse is ok in the relationship
Every form of
abuse is about
power and
controlhellip Abusers
make their
decision to abuse
Period
In this secret climate misdirected blame is part of the abuse Thespoken or unspoken threat is that the target will look like a liar ifthe truth comes out
Sadly it happens This is one of many complicated reasons targetsmay not leave their abusers soon or at all
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation go to thislist to find help
Make true and empowering statements
Create personal statements Examples
A I cannot control what other people choose to say or do It is notmy job to fix every circumstance
112
Abuse is always yes always thefault full responsibility and sin ofthe abuser
Gross misrepresentations of anabuse victimrsquos role are spoken inignorance He should have foughtback She wasnrsquot dressed rightHe pushed her buttons She wasnagging him He should have metcurfew She shouldnrsquot havemouthed off
Abusers make their decision toabuse Period
B I refuse to carry blame for the crime committed against me ormy family Only the criminal did wrong I did what I was capable ofdoing in the moment which is the best anyone can do in anysituation
C I will not take on the burden of guilt for my friendrsquos addiction Icannot save or fix her No one can She is responsible for seekinghelp and not just begging me for money or a place to stay
D I do not accept the abusers lies that I brought on the abuse Iwill not hate the child or victim-adult I once was for allowing whatI had no power to stop
Whether casting blame or collecting misdirected blame the optionto reach out for fresh perspective and guidance from the DifferenceMaker is always available
The brothers Blame never consider this
And a-fishinrsquo they go
113
Proverbs 205
Prayer to the Difference Maker
The purposes of a personrsquos heart
are deep waters
but one who has insight
draws them out
Please Lord I need your insight
to draw out my motives and
the deep injuries of my soul
so I can understand and change
Based on Proverbs 205
Practical Exercise 8 Find harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time to
study their companion and without criticism show appreciation forthe good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God for whatyou have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blame payattention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize everyone including yourself hasmade mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive as much asGod has forgiven you
This Or This
115
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stoppinganother person (we have no controlover them) Boundaries are about whatwe allow into our circle
Do the following exercise then createyour own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo
4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leave responsibilityfor his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for the consequences oflosing them
What about a situation in your life
Next draw a circle around yourself
116
9Perceived
Dependency Some thoughts If no one pushes me I cannot succeed He says he loves me after he hits me and I cannot be without
him This has been a tough day already I need a drink Irsquoll feel happy only if this job interview goes my way His
approval keeps me going Shersquoll leave if I do not stay sick
Dear Creeper
You are my perceived dependency You have toyed withme since I was young I played the game of hide andseek innocently believing you and the powerful forcesthat drove me to you were normal and right I did notunderstand you are a creeper
Your presence seemed a kind gift an experience forwhich I was grateful Slow and sure you built a templefor yourself in my brain
One day I witnessed the ruin of another of yourconfused devotees and began to fear you Confidencegrew in my power to go on alone Nonetheless yourcajoling stirred memories of when we first met andsoon your promises of the hour defeated caution
I
cared
only
for
how
you
made
me
feel
117
Your lies were soft and comfortable Eventually I believedeverything you offered for my protection No one could persuademe you were not my best friend
Remember how I used to panic when you were not in sightVigorous denial kept me from seeing what was happening I caredonly for how you made me feel
Oh but I see you now my enemy Perceived Dependency youhave never been a friend Joining hands with you in my destructionwas a game of Russian Roulette with unpredictable consequences
So-called dependency was but another deception I could have beenfree To be honest until now you have been my choice I amchanging my mind
You see there is someone real taking your place He is theDifference Maker the Highest Power who is always for me andnever against me
I could say itrsquos not you itrsquos me but this breakndashup is all aboutrunning away from you and into the arms of God
Goodbye from Not-Your-Victim
Co-dependent
Eating Disordered
Money-hungry
Etcetera
Defeatist
118
Stone and wood statues all over the world are praised and offeredgifts to appease whatever god they represent That is literal idolworship Jesus expanded the concept to include anything thatstands between us and full devotion to the One True God An idolthen is anything or anyone we think we cannot live without otherthan God
Perceived dependencies are our masters Not only are they a typeof idol but they are also futile No person can meet all our needsNo substance satisfies for long Compulsions heap unhappyconsequences on an already stressful life Obsessions overrulegood judgment Yet we obey them when they call
Perceived dependency unloads barrels of disappointment on thehuman spirit We create mental scenarios of rescue and if onlydelusions Who will make me happy What will bring relief Weare completely at the mercy of our perceived dependencies unlesswe take our power back
A perceived dependency is theact of giving our power freely toan outside force that once givensuch authority becomes ourmaster source motivation andexcuse
Nothing is easy about aperceived dependency NothingDay to day life is complicated bymaneuvers around the belief thatwhat we need most is missing
Our masters
119
Evie lives in denial As a heroin addict her behaviors are morepredictable than she is aware She is a sweet daughter and lovingmother when sober When she is using everyone runs for coverHer language is vile and abusive She tries to manipulate herdaughter for money
Only one year ago Evie graduated from long-term residentialtreatment She held down a job and visited with her youngchildren She did not separate herself from old companions andsadly relapse came as no surprise to her hopeful and wary familyEvie sacrifices for her obsession all that makes life worth livingcausing great pain in her wake
Evie and Tony
Tonyrsquos longing for love and overwhelming fear of rejection haswelded his self-made cage shut He leans heavily on his wife toreassure him with constant agreement Opposing opinionsthreaten his sense of security so he never asks for her realthoughts
His perceived dependency is the submission of his wife and otherswhile he takes no emotional risks It is clear in this scenario Tonysold his personal power at the cost of true love His wife is captivealso if she plays by his rules
The sad chaos of Eviersquos and Tonyrsquos lives is whythe words of the prophet Isaiah make senseHe said we feed on ashes by looking to an idolto meet our needs A deluded heart misleadsus To our detriment we fail to question ldquoIsnot this thing in my right hand a lierdquosup1
120
Then there is Rhona
Lifting her head from the toilet and sinking to the all too familiarfloor Rhona knew her eating disorder owned her and could endher life She was desperate for freedom
Someone introduced her to a 12-step program of recoveryThough a meeting was an hour away Rhona determinedly andfaithfully traveled to join-in Older members supported herthrough tears and triumph Eventually she had her life back
She does not consider herself free to eat whatever she wantsInstead she is free to choose carefully what will keep her healthyNo longer do certain foods send her spiraling because she avoidsthem completely She will carry safe foods with her to familygatherings and other events
Rhona is not a compulsive dieter her choices are a matter of lifeand death Thirty years later after entering recovery she stillattends meetings
Dr Rhona Epstein became one of the very few experts in foodaddiction and serves as a psychologist helping as many as she canHer book Food Triggers is beneficial to any one of us whostruggle with compulsive behaviors around food
Any willingness to be open to a spiritual
solution is a start -Dr Epstein
121
My son finally convinced me to watchthe Marvel series All of it I havelearned that imaginary superheroesstruggle to learn how and when to usetheir power
Decision-making is not so simple for useither Opting to break away from aperceived dependency is not asstraightforward as Captain Americatossing his shield at a villain andknocking him flat
Yes God has graciously created us with the remarkable power ofchoice Why do we so often risk its loss
It is doable Remember intent does not mean instant success Thefirst step each day is the main one
Have you survived difficult challenges If yes why not againHave other people recovered Why not you
Superpower
Each of us is gifted with a superpower Do the following fivequotes by Jesus reveal it to you
ldquoIf you wanthelliprdquo sup1∙⁵ldquoAnyone who chooseshelliprdquo sup2 ldquohellipif you do not believehelliprdquo sup3ldquoIf you hold to my teachinghelliprdquo ⁴ldquohellipyou were not willingrdquo⁵
122
Relapse
The difference between Evie Tony and Rhona is that Rhonalearned to wield her power of choice in her favor Ask anyone withbroken chains freedom requires complete honesty support andconnection to strength greater than ours
Some say relapse is inevitable No but it is common We return toold destructive habits when we have not permanently structuredour goals around something more meaningful I relapsed with myeating disorder with a long list of excuses My health coachreminds me to see recovery as an investment in what I want toachieve
Ultimately it is finding and living in purpose that brings joy Withwhat will we fill your lives so our obsessions no longer have roomin our heads
Surrender
I mentioned to a woman with a secular belief system that it is aprivilege to be used by God Her negative reaction makes sensebecause my word choice ldquoused byrdquo was skewed
It is fairer to say I am one of Godrsquos volunteers among many Noneof us have had our will removed By faith and experience we knowhis ways are best The more we grasp that the more we want to dofor him Herersquos the clincher we love him because he loves us Yesit is a privilege and source of joy when the Difference Maker worksthrough us to help others in some way
Surrender comes with the understanding that God has more than
123
single personrsquos best interests in mind In that regard he asks usto extend his mercy love and truth when we might rather sit athome in comfort
Should we say yes we will find he is working everything out forour good too In his will (as discussed in chapter 2) weexperience deep satisfaction As always the Difference Makerrsquosapproach is more profound and effective than the worldrsquos wisestphilosophies⁵∙⁵
The complete Serenity Prayer famous for the shortened versionused in 12-step groups points to such surrender
God grant me the SerenityTo accept the things I cannot changeCourage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the differenceLiving one day at a time
Enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardship
As the pathway to peaceTaking as He did
This sinful world as it is Not as I would have itTrusting that He will Make all things right
If I surrender to His willThat I may be
Reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him
In the next Amen
124
125
But God
Accounts throughout the Bible of Gods interactions with humansprove he is the Highest Power At the end of their resourcespeople saw God change everything
The entire earth flooded But God remembered Noah ⁶
Jacobrsquos boss cheated him ldquoBut God has seen your abuserdquo ⁷
Josephrsquos brothers sold him ldquohellipbut God intended it for goodrdquo ⁸
King Saul hunted him down hellipbut God [helped him escape]⁹
People tried to kill Paul But God has protected me sup1⁰
Epaphroditus was ill and almost died But God had mercy onhimsup1sup1
Jesus was nailed to a cross But God raised him from the dead sup1sup2
We are lost for eternity But God demonstrates his own lovehellipsup1sup3
Apostles hadhellip fears within ldquoBut Godhellip comforted usrdquosup1⁴
Helplessness is not always a fact it is a belief Through JeremiahGod said ldquoIf you wanted to return to me you could You couldthrow away your detestable idols andstray away no morerdquosup1⁵ He knowshow much power is available to us ifwe will ask
126
Surrender to the will of God is ultimately the cure to compulsiveaddictive behaviors That does not mean it is easy nor does itguarantee no relapses Jesus said ldquoIt is not the healthy who needa doctor but the sickldquosup1⁶ He is our healer perhaps we do well tofollow his prescription
Let us remember together whatever condition we are in howeverdeeply we are stuck in perceived dependency we do not actuallyneed the person activity substance or compulsion we are focusedon to survive or thrive Our dependence is but a perception Wecan depend on and trust the Highest Power
Whom have I in heaven but youAnd earth has nothing I desire besides you
My flesh and my heart may failbut God is the strength of my heart
and my portion foreversup1⁷
ldquoBut Godhelliprdquo
Recommended
The Life Recovery Bible is special It is the Holy Bible in its entirety with sidebars relating specific scriptures to
recovery These address emotional issues trauma support and much more In addition the Life Recovery
Journal takes the reader through the 12-step process
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Please keep me from deliberate
sins Donrsquot let them control me
Then I will be free of guilt and
innocent of great sin
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you O LORD my
Rock and my Redeemer
Psalm 1913-14
128
128
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsessionTake this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a
dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
Practical Exercise 9 Now What
Spell it out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write outall it has stolen and what freedom will bring This is about you notcasting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praise andgratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is to a realGod who will not only see what you write but who knows your heart
Write a letter (or letters) to yourperceived dependency Do not mail it ifit is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Rome isdirectly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them I highlyurge you to take it in
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
129
Next find a strong
support system
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over time whois healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability to hold yourconfidences Watch them with other people Choose friends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who have seen yourstruggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
130
10Fear
Fear leads to depressive thinking when we give it authority Fear
develops under a threat real or perceived to our wellbeing or thewellbeing of another person
As a mere emotion fear is not a sign of weak character nor does itsignal failure of faith The bravest people are those who feel fearand face it even in small ways Courage is measured by genuineeffort not success or the size of payout Baby steps toward facing
or overcoming any fear are indeed applaudable steps
Some thoughts I promised to attend the meeting but since Irsquoll make a fool of myself Irsquom not going There is no way to know if I can stay safe I do not like people different from me Things are going to get worse Irsquom sure he hates me
131
Not every courageous person looks like one
Examples of couragebull Elderly people venturing out despite impatient drivers and
ridiculous younger people talking down to thembull Children returning to the same school each day where they are
taunted or bulliedbull Families of faith around the world persecuted by authoritiesbull People in suicidal despair reconnecting with living
bull Those living with disabilitybull Those going to work with anxiety migraines fatiguehellipbull Women who leave abusive homes and often face judgmentbull The caretaker of elderly parentsAnd the inspirational list goes onhellip
Facing fear is a choice that mimics the life of our Saviorsup1 Heloved (far) beyond his comfort zone The author of Hebrewswrote rdquoConsider him who endured such opposition from sinnersso that you will not grow weary and lose heartrdquosup2
132
God chooses unlikely heroes
Abigail⁵ was beautiful and intelligent Marriedwhether by choice or arrangement we do not knowher role was to manage her wealthy household withits many servants and obligations serve herhusband Nabal and presumably have his children
Nabal wise in his own eyes and not in many otherswell lived up to his name which meant fool Filledwith greed his harsh demeanor in business and athome proved his self-centeredness No doubt heenjoyed his meanness and the fear of those aroundhim
He
adds
ldquoI am
with
yourdquo
and
stays
God does not whip out a chill ldquodonrsquot be afraidrdquo anddisappearsup3 He adds ldquoI am with yourdquo⁴ and staysBrave people learn from their less-than-bravemistakes (we have all done them) With him at ourside we move forward following the DifferenceMakerrsquos plan for overcoming fear
In those days (about 1100 BC) sheep and goats were money andoften stolen Soon to be king warrior David was on the run fromhis insanely jealous father-in-law King Saul David and his armyof six-hundred men earned what they needed to survive byprotecting the livestock of various towns and farms
It was customary and expected for wealthy landowners to offerprovisions to such protectors Nonetheless when David sent themessage to Nabal ldquoPlease give your servants whatever you canfind for themrdquo only insults were returned
David was ready to end such insolence and with 400 armed menheaded for Nabalrsquos home to kill him and all the males who livedthere
A shepherd ran to Abigail to report this He said ldquoNabal is such awicked man that no one can talk to him Please do what you canrdquo
133
Abigail quickly loaded donkeyswith meat bread wine grainraisins and pressed figs Servantsdelivered them to David
Going against her churlishhusbandrsquos wishes certainly wouldhave brought down his wrath hadshe been caught She risked her
life by confronting angry warriors intent on revenge
David responded to her pleas for mercy thanking her He saidldquoPraise be to the LORD the God of Israel who has sent you today
134
to meet me May you be blessed for your good judgment and forkeeping me from bloodshed this dayrdquo
As an unlikely hero Abigail saved an unknown number of livesThe brave shepherd who informed her shared in the heroism Thenext day when she told Nabal of the drama his heart failed himand he died
God specializes in choosing unlikely people for courageous deedsA few examples among many include an orphan girl-turned queenwho saved her nation (Book of Esther) a child who spoke hardtruth to power (1 Samuel 3) a young slave girl who approached aprincess (Exodus 21-10) and uneducated fishermen who broughtthe gospel to the world though they lost their lives over it(Matthew 418-22)
Despite initial misgivings these people had to decide what kind ofperson they wanted to be One way to face our fears is to answerthe same question
Consider the life and mission of each of the following people Howdo you think they answered the question What kind of person do Iwant to be
Will I risk everything Hee Jinrsquos Grandmother in North KoreaWill I choose life Nick VujicicWill I hold out Irena SendlerWill I let go Elisabeth ElliotWho do I want to face in the mirror tomorrow Dobri DobrevHow will I respond to my greatest regret Victoria RobinsonWill my legacy point to life Jason ReidWill my example set a helpful precedent Marie Meggs
135
Will I believe what I cannot yet see Jo Ann RobinsonWill I keep my eyes on things of Heaven instead of on things ofearth Jessie TendayiWill I come back to God and ask for help when I fail miserablyJim Wahlberg
ldquoWe are having a physical experience in a spiritual worldrdquo ndash Author unknown
Satan distorts and disrupts the truth in attempts to steer us fromGod Human experience is a catalyst for such trickery becausewhat we see and feel seems more real than an invisible God Is heinconceivable though
His power is evidenced in nature⁶ His love has redeemedcountless lives Millions testify to his personal presence We seeGodrsquos promises always come to pass whether spoken throughprophets or other scriptures⁷ We witness his sovereigntythroughout history
Stout faith lets go of control and chooses to obey the proven Godwho shows himself real only to those with the spiritual eyes tosee⁸ In his wisdom he made it impossible for science or
The Difference Maker offers safety in his shelter
philosophy to prove his existence to closedminds⁹ Although faith is not blind it is notsight eithersup1⁰ Faith is the evidence of whatwe do not seesup1sup1
Godrsquos shelter unlike an umbrella or a treenever fails
Towers in fortressed cities ofbiblical times provided safetywhen enemies attacked In ourspiritual battles Godrsquos shelter isthe hiding place
The key is to stay there Psalm 91says to live in his shelter - spendour time there Then he hides usin his shadow as if we were in atower of refuge
This Psalm also tells us what wedo not have to fear
1 Satanrsquos bait setting plot trap (The fowlerrsquos snare)
2 Pandemic disease (Deadly pestilence)3 Dread and the object of dread (Terror of night)4 Seemingly random attacks or dangers coming from
all around deeply personal attacks (Arrows fly by day)5 Disease pandemic that walks about in trouble and in
spiritual unreceptiveness (Pestilence stalking in the dark)6 Destruction coming from violence and devastation in
the middle of the day or in the bright of happiness(Plague that destroys at midday)
7 Wicked people (Lion)8 The Devil (Serpent)
In distress of any kind he rescues us or arms us for the battleWhat is left to fear If God is for us who can be against ussup1sup2
136
We still want to hide from time to time Aloneness is notintrinsically unhealthy Jesus taught But when you prayhellipshutthe door behind youhellipsup1sup3
It is the fear that locks us in that paralyzes the life we wantRemember the Difference Maker sets us up with everything weneed for faith courage and victory In all circumstances we candeclare as King Solomon did ldquoThe name of the LORD is a fortifiedtower the righteous run to it and are saferdquosup1⁴
ldquoFinally be strong in the Lord and in hismighty power Put on the full armor ofGodhelliprdquosup1⁵
Paul used a symbolic reference thepeople of his day would haveunderstood the armor of a Romansoldier Comparing physical war tospiritual ones he first describes whywearing Godrsquos armor is necessary
One our struggle is not against peoplebut against the devil and his spiritualforces of evil Two when we are harassedfor our faith we will resist and standsup1⁶
Wearing Godrsquos armor is a decision wemake each day in faith bearing in mindthe vital meaning of each piece
The Difference Maker offers safety in his armor
137
The Belt of Truth ldquoStand firm then with the beltof truth buckled around your waistrdquo The belt of aRoman soldierrsquos armor was more like a girdle andheld up the breastplate
What is truth Jesus said ldquoIf you hold to myteaching you are really my disciples Then you willknow the truth and the truth will set you freerdquosup1⁷Absolute truth does not change and awareness of itprotects us from lies that cause fear
The Breastplate of Righteousness ldquohellipwith thebreastplate of righteousness in placerdquo The Romansoldierrsquos breastplate held in place only once it wasupheld by the belt
What is righteousness Thinking and acting inways that honor God based on his instructionsthese are righteousness However no human effortalone measures up to Godrsquos holiness
Truth upholds our righteousness as it grows in alife with Christ His righteousness leads our wayinto Godrsquos favor There is no fear of punishment ifour faith is sincerely in the Saviorsup1⁸
Feet Fitted with Readiness ldquohellipand with yourfeet fitted with the readiness that comes from thegospel of peacerdquo Spikes covered the bottom ofRoman soldiersrsquo footwear for climbing over roughterrain and for digging into the earth keepingthem steadfast in hand-to-hand combat
138
What is the gospel of peace and how does it make us ready Thegospel is the good news of Jesus the Messiahsup1⁹ While we arealive there is work to finish Readiness to carry this gospel toothers is part of our victory over fear sup2⁰
Shield of Faith ldquoIn addition to all this take upthe shield of faith with which you can extinguishall the flaming arrows of the evil onerdquo A Romansoldier carried a large oblong four-corneredshield covering much of his body
What is faith It is more than believing in GodEven demons believe in God and shuddersup2sup1Faith is pure trust and confidence that Godmeans what he sayssup2sup2
Jesus said faith is like a tiny mustard seed whichbecomes the largest tree in the gardensup2sup3Pastors teachers the Holy Spirit and personalstudy water and feed the seed Nurturing ourfaith is our responsibility that in time surpassesfear
Helmet of Salvation ldquoTake the helmet ofsalvationrdquo Roman soldiers wore a unique helmetprotecting the top and sides of their head Somehelmets also protected the back of the neck
What is salvation Not only is it rescue from awasted life in the present and an erasure ofeternal damnation but the helmet is also theanticipation of the day we are ushered into
139
heavensup2⁴ Keeping our eyes on the reward this helmet protects
us from turning from the faith due to discouragement doubtand fear
a spectacular display of arrogance and deception The battle ofwords was close-up personal and relentless Each time the devilused his wiles the Son of God expertly wielded his swordsup2⁵
In the heat of temptation aimed straight at our weakest pointsskill at using Godrsquos Word boosts our triumph over fear sup2⁶
Prayer ldquoAnd pray in the Spirit on alloccasions with all kinds of prayers and requestsrdquoRoman soldiers needed supplies stamina andfood and water
What is prayer Jesus gave an examplesup2⁷ thatgoes something like this ldquoOur Father in heavenlet your name be treated with reverence Let your
Sword of the Spirit ldquohellipand the sword of theSpirit which is the word of Godrdquo Roman soldierspossessed three sharp weapons a dagger-sized shortsword a spear and a long sword Paul used the shortsword for his comparison to the Word of God
Why a small weapon Satan tempted Jesus in
kingdom come let your will be done on earth as it is in heavenGive us this day our bread for tomorrow and forgive us ourdebts as we also have forgiven our debtors Lead us not intotemptation but deliver us from the evil one for yours is thekingdom and the power and the glory forever Amenrdquo
140
This prayer acknowledges God makes various requests yields to his will and in faith believes all is possible because he is God
and wear his armor daily we will stand with the brave who say Itis scary out there and the Difference Maker goes with me
Godrsquos armor is not intended as a shell to crawlinside Neither is his shelter a place to isolatefrom the world
Fear is fed by our focus When the daycomes that we learn to rest in Godrsquos shelter
141
Prayer to the Difference Maker
When I am hard pressed I cry
to you Lord You bring me into
a spacious place You Lord are
with me I will not be afraid
Based on Psalm 1185-6
143
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in yourpocket Feel it when anxieties and otherpressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
Practical Exercise 10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions andimpulsive thoughts or prevents them fromrising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can behelpful to avoid anxiety attacks or panic orto use during anxiety and panic attacks
143
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing reminders thathe is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics will inspireyou God Will Make a Way
By a roadway in the wilderness Hell lead meAnd rivers in the desert will I seeHeaven and Earth will fade But His word will still remainAnd He will do something new todayGod will make a wayWhere there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot seeHe will make a way for meHe will be my guideHold me closely to His sideWith love and strength for each new dayHe will make a way He will make a way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in apublic place with little opportunity to walk awaypractice sign language or write the names of peopleyou care about in the air discreetly below your waistFiddle with anything that requires your full attentionlike word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worrylater Keep a notebook and pen handy Thenext time anxiety is triggered or could bewrite the concern down and lay it aside Set adate or time to address the issue perhapswith a safe person
144
Next Retrain your thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
145
Now may the God of peace
who through the blood of the
eternal covenant brought back
from the dead our Lord Jesus that
great Shepherd of the sheep equip
you with everything good for doing
his will and may he work in
us what is pleasing to
him through Jesus Christ to
whom be glory for ever and ever
Amen
APPENDIX
147
Terms page 148
A Word About Medication page 149
Bible References page 152
Photos and Other Credits page 155
Collection of Chapter Exercises plus BONUS Exercises page 159
Blank Pages for Notes page 182
Terms - Links
BibleGodrsquos Word
Christ Jesus Christ Christ Jesus
Christian
The Difference Maker= God
Faith
Fear of God
Holy
Jesus
Original languages used to write the Bible
Types of mental health professionals
Repentance
Resurrection
Righteousness
Sin
Trinity
148
An ongoing debate in faith arenas over the use of medications for
mental health particularly depression and anxiety leavesconfusion in its wake Myths about this type of medical therapyabound
Myth 1 Medications cover up spiritual problems Thesedrugs do not create happiness They cannot force introspectionrelief from guilt or wisdom on a person any more than insulinprevents someone with diabetes from eating a candy bar
If behaviors and circumstances that helped to create a mentalhealth need do not change the problem may persist No pill willcorrect poor thinking permanently erase memories of trauma endabuse or change a sinful heart
Medications prepare a brain to function as intended Once stablethe patient can choose to learn wisdom and pursue God or not
Myth 2 Mental illness is a myth No All mental illnesses aredisorders In other words something is wrong with a personrsquosability to function normally due to mental processing Medicationis often necessary to save a life Many chronicled symptoms giveprofessionals an excellent idea of how to diagnose mental illness
Everyone experiences down days massive grief and even
149
A Word About Medication
depressive thoughts It becomes a disorder when a person cannotfunction normally keep healthy relationships or overcome theseemotions
Myth 3 All psychiatrists do is throw pills at youPsychiatrists are medical doctors and specialists It is their job toprescribe medication based on revealed symptoms Appointmentsare typically about 15 minutes Very few offer talk therapy (whereaspsychologists generally do)
A psychiatrist may recommend hospitalization or insist a clientmove to a higher level of care such as to an IOP (IntensiveOutpatient Program) These are professional therapeutic programsthat occur throughout the week in half or full days
Myth 4 Psychiatric medications do not work It is true
150
sometimes they do not Six reasons for this have nothing to dowith the medications themselves
A A patient does not take the medication as prescribed or isnoncompliant and refuses itB A patient refuses recommended co-treatments such as talktherapyC The patient quits too soon Unfortunately it may take weeksand even months to discover the one that works best for aspecific person Dosages may also need readjustmentsD The patient is unable to convey symptoms clearlyPrescriptions based on incomplete information will likely be lesseffectiveE Affordability lack of insurance parity interference fromfamily members and more may disrupt proper treatmentcreating any of the above issues
ldquoJesus is the only one with perfect brain chemistry and nopsychological issues Every other human has somepsychological dysfunctionhellipPsychological Science is simplyunderstanding how God designed our mind to work and thenlearning how to maximally steward our mind for His glory andour fulfillment in Himrdquo
F Misdiagnosis by a doctor This is especially a problem whennon-psychiatric doctors prescribe psychiatric medications
Myth 5 Medications hurt people Safety may be compromisedif medication is not taken as prescribed The wrong medication toocan adversely affect a person Rumors about how often this occursare exaggerated
For most people a combination of medication and talk therapy hasproven most effective For those who receive professionaltreatment 80 go on to live more satisfying lives
If medication corrects brain dysfunction and allows one to developa richer life with Christ (and it has for me) then using medicationis good stewardship of onersquos capabilities Some takeaways from themission statement of Lighthouse Network agree
151
For a deeper look at therapy and medicationsfrom a Christian point of view go to Is It Ok for aChristian to Take Anti-depressants
Chapter
1 The Difference Maker
2 Self-doubt
3 Toxic Shame
4 Self=loathing
Bible References
152
sup1Exodus 1414 sup2Matthew 1128-29 sup3Romans 122 ⁴James 117 ⁵1 John 15 ⁶John 87⁷Romans 623 ⁸2 Thessalonians 17-10 ⁹Ephesians 24-9 NIVsup1⁰Romans 810-18 sup1sup1Psalm 2911 sup1sup2Ephesians 3 14-19
sup1Proverbs 46 -7 sup1∙⁵2 Samuel 111-1225 sup2Psalm 139 23-24sup31 Kings 39 ⁴ Hebrews 511-14niv ⁵Psalm 328niv⁶2 Timothy 316 ⁷2 Peter 120-21 ⁸2 Timothy 316-17niv⁹Mark 1224 sup1⁰1 Corinthians 1433nkjv sup1sup1Hebrews 116sup1sup2 2 Corinthians 317-18 sup1sup3Matthew 633 sup1⁴James15-7sup1⁵Psalm 4610 sup1⁶Deuteronomy 323-4 sup1⁷Exodus 314
sup1Genesis 127 sup2Psalm 84-6 sup3Isaiah 558 ⁴James 39-11 ⁵Ephesians 210 ⁶Psalm 13913⁷2 Corinthians 517 ⁸ Lamentations 322-23 ⁹1 John 31
sup1⁰James 223 sup1sup1 John 1515 sup1sup2Psalm 2710sup1sup3John 10 27-30 sup1⁴2 Corinthians 128-10
sup1Luke 2342-44 sup2 Psalms 34 sup3Micah 718-19 ⁴ Ephesians 317-19 ⁵Psalm 10311-12 ⁶ Psalm 4421⁷Psalm 10314 ⁸ Proverbs 37-8 ⁹Matthew 523-24sup1⁰Luke 2334 sup1sup1Acts 759-60 sup1sup1∙⁵Acts 81sup1sup2Acts 83 sup1sup3 Acts 2022-24 sup1⁴ Philippians 35-14 sup1⁵Psalm 345 sup1⁶2 Corinthians 1314
sup1Exodus 341014 sup2James 316 sup3Proverbs 1430 ⁴Philippians 23-11 ⁵Matthew 2128-32 ⁶Philippians 212-14⁷1 Corinthians 134-8niv ⁸Romans 1215 ⁹Jeremiah 923-25sup1⁰1 John 215-16 sup1sup1Titus 33-5
Chapter
5 Extreme Conclusions
6 Hopeless
7 Jealousy and Envy
153
sup1Matthew 71 sup2Matthew 2537-40 sup3Luke 311⁴Matthew 547niv ⁵Matthew 543-44 ⁶Matthew 712⁷Luke 1030-37 ⁸Numbers 1911-16niv and Leviticus 211-4 10-12niv⁹ 1 Corinthians 1312 sup1⁰Matthew 73-5 sup1⁰∙⁵Luke 1135-36sup1sup1Matthew 1916-26 sup1sup2Matthew 624 sup1sup3Isaiah 714sup1⁴John 11sup1⁵ Verses 4 23 Throughout his ministry people had trouble giving up old beliefs andfully grasping what Jesus was saying In John 11 we see him telling his disciples thatLazarusrsquo illness will not result in death that this situation will bring glory to God (likethe healing of the man born blind which they witnessed John 9) He informs Martha thatLazarus will be raised by him (In the original language the word used when he saysldquoLazarus will liverdquo means raised from a lying down position- raised from the dead)
sup1⁶ Verses 3328 Some traditional versions say Jesus was deeply moved or troubled
Jesus was agitated or angry wanting to instruct everyone and perhaps restrain thefaithless talk around him He waited and instead allowed his prayer and the results tospeak for themselvessup1⁷Psalm 11996 sup1⁸1 Samuel 167 sup1⁹ Mark 1427-31sup2⁰ Mark 14 66-72 sup2sup1John 201-10 sup2sup2 John 211-19sup2sup3Acts 413 sup2⁴2 Corinthians 47 sup2⁵James 116-18
sup1Isaiah 4318-19 niv sup2Psalm 3418 sup3Psalm 1213⁴Genesis 1611-13 ⁴∙⁵ Job 395-8 ⁵Nehemiah 919-20⁶Psalm 119140 ⁷Psalm 1361-3 ⁸Psalm 1437-8⁹Ruth 11-22 and 413-17 sup1⁰Psalm 3121-23 sup1sup12 Corinthians 75-7sup1sup22 Kings 1819 sup1sup31 Kings 1819 sup1⁴Psalm 1391-12sup1⁵Matthew 1029 sup1⁶Proverbs 1410 sup1⁷Proverbs 1320sup1⁸ Book of Job sup1⁹Job 427-9 sup2⁰Psalm 119130
sup1Proverbs 149-10 sup21 John 18 sup3 Isaiah 59 1 2
⁴ Proverbs 193 ⁵James 113 ⁶James 114-15
⁷ Hebrews 1210 ⁸Proverbs 311-12 ⁹Proverbs 1721
sup1⁰ Proverbs 2210 sup1sup1Exodus 201-17 sup1sup2Mark 1228-31
sup1sup3Romans 139-10niv sup1⁴Matthew 53-10 sup1⁵Psalm 411
sup1⁶Matthew 116 ESV sup1⁷Psalm 321-2 sup1⁸Psalm 1465sup1⁹John 151-5 sup2⁰ Romans 81 sup2sup12 Peter 13-9sup2sup2Proverbs 1130
sup2sup3Ephesians 51-20 Galatians 522-23 Proverbs 1031
sup2⁴1 Corinthians 924-25 sup2⁵James 112 sup2⁶Philippians 314
154
Chapter
8 Destructive Blame
9 Perceived Dependency
sup1 Isaiah 4420 sup1∙⁵ Matthew 1921nlt sup2 John 717sup3 John 824 ⁴ John 831-32 ⁵Matthew 2337⁵∙⁵1 Corinthians 120 ⁶Genesis 81 ⁷Genesis 3142⁸Genesis 5020 ⁹1 Samuel 2314 sup1⁰Acts 2622sup1sup1Philippians 227 sup1sup2Acts 224niv sup1sup3Romans 58nivsup1⁴2 Corinthians 75-7niv sup1⁵Jeremiah 41 sup1⁶Mark 217sup1⁷Psalm 7325-26niv
10 Fear
sup1Hebrews 122 sup2Hebrews 123 sup3Matthew 281-10 ⁴Matthew 2820 ⁵1 Samuel 251-38 ⁶ Romans 120 ⁷1 Kings 856-57 ⁸1 Corinthians 210-16 ⁹1 Corinthians 121sup1⁰2 Corinthians 57 sup1sup1Hebrews 111 sup1sup2Romans 831sup1sup3Matthew 66 sup1⁴ Proverbs 1810 sup1⁵Ephesians 61011sup1⁶Ephesians 611-13 sup1⁷ John 831-32 sup1⁸Romans 81-16sup1⁹Ephesians 51 sup2⁰ 2 Corinthians 518-19 sup2sup1James 219sup2sup2Romans 1017 sup2sup3 Matthew 1331-32sup2⁴1 Thessalonians 58-9 sup2⁵Matthew 41-11 sup2⁶Hebrews 512-14 sup2⁷Matthew 69-13
Chapter
1
2
3
4
Photos and Other Credits
Face in the mirror page 40 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped Artist page 44 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Church page 28 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJames Ryan quote page 31 from The National Association for Christian Recovery Four Kinds of Moral Inventory httpswwwnacrorgcenter-for-12-step-recoveryfour-kinds-of-moral-inventoryGirl praying page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NDcropped and manipulatedWriting hand page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredOxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes page 32httpsindianriveraaorgPDFTHE20FOUR20ABSOLUTESpdfScottish Proverb page 32 Confession Is Good For The Soul - Christian Devotions for Daily Living - DevotionscomCross page 32 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped
155
Man with net page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC rock overlaidRock page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCGirl page 14 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Billy Graham quote page 16 from Video Billy Graham httpswwwfacebookcomryanthompson100videos10158050555419605UzpfSTEyOTE4OTc5NDU6MTAyMTY5MTQzNDAwMzI3MTkFlame page 17 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC manipulated Jar page 26 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND
Chapter
5
6
156
Train page 49 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredTrain page 50 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredWounded man scene page 52 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND cropped recolored manipulatedCamel page 54 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYSAAbout Sadducee beliefs page 54 Camels Needles and the Question of Money retrieved on November 5 2020 from httpsallofitagainwordpresscom20170518camels-needles-and-the-question-of-money-colinTrain page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYN recoloredCurved path page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recoloredLazarusrsquo feet page 58 freebibleimagescomTrain tracks page 59 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCrecoloredTrain page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredExam paper page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredRooster page 61 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Jesus page 74 freebibleimagescomArahant Mental Wellness page 76 Treating Depression with TMS Aimed at the Brainrsquos Prefrontal Cortex httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortex Healthline page 76 The Effects of Depression on the Brain What Is Depression httpswwwhealthlinecomhealthdepressioneffects-brainHow-Can-Treatment-Change-the-Brain Figure 1 Page 76 httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortexEric W Dolan page 76 In depressed people the medial prefrontal cortex exerts more control over other parts of the brain Psypostcom Mental Health June 19 2017 httpswwwpsypostorg201706depressed-people-medial-prefrontal-cortex-exerts-control-parts-brainSemicolon tattoo page 81 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredProject Semicolon page 81 httpswwwfacebookcomprojectsemicolonMug page 82 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDrecolored
Jealousy and envy sisters page 92 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped manipulated recoloredHeart page 94 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredJesus and man page 96 freebibleimagescom recoloredWeeds page 98 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recolored
Necklace page 82 from httpswwwamazoncomproject-semicolon-jewelrysk=project+semicolon+jewelryPage 83 Black leprosy also called elephantiasis because the skin begins to look like elephant skin Jobs Disease By Louis Rushmorehttpswwwgospelgazettecomgazette2005janpage15htmJob and friends page 84 freeBibleimagescomGirl and woman page 86 This Photo by Unknown Author licensed under CC BY-NDWarning Signs of Suicide page 87 httpswwwnimhnihgovhealthtopicssuicide-preventionindexshtmlpart_153177Stairs page 91 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped and manipulated recolored
Chapter
6 continued
7
8
157
Boater and swimmer page 102 These Photos by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recolored ndash 2 pictures together both under same license Greek Olympics page 109 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredPower and Control Wheel page 111 from httpswwwtheagapecafecomFishing pole page 113 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredCouples page 115 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDand This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Chapter
9
10
158
Girl page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC cropped recoloredFloating money page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCrecolored croppedDice page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY 20 recolored croppedAshes page 120 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJesus and people page 122 freeBibleimagescomCaptain American cover page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredCaptain America Shield page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredSerenity Prayer photo page 124 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYCartoon man with weights page 125 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredSupport Group scene page 130 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND cropped recolored
Donkey page 133 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAUmbrella Woman page 135 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCWoman in shadows page 136 freeBibleimagescomArmor page 137This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCBreastplate page 138This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDBelt page 138 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDShield page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAHelmet page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCSword page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCPraying hands page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDTurtle page 141 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCLeaf page 143 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCRubiks cube page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SACalendar page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC
Collection of the Chapter Exercises
Plus Bonus Exercises
159
1 Make the Thought Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use anap even though a minute earlier you were not tired This is atype of thought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bedthe visual automatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom whereand why of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take thetime to complete the following exercise (for each thought habit)and you will be surprised at the worthwhile outcome
1 What consistent triggering event and response doyou experience
________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
_________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
160
3 What is your thought-habit
_____________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_____________________________________________(Example l feel content)
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchange your triggerrsquosassociation from gloomy to what generally rightens your mood
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with things you love move thebed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularly for foot rubs sayingprayers or texting jokes to your friends
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of the space with openblinds worship music or a self-starting coffee maker (Avoidtexts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
_________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
161
7 What action will you take next time this triggeringevent occurs
________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts Episodes ofdepression anxiety or other mental health challenges may followa pattern or cycle
BONUS EXERCISE Exchange News and Social Media for Books and Face-to-face Conversation
A sense of aloneness and anxiety might come from a lack of eye-to-eye contact and conversation and an overload of news reports
Especially before going to bed turn off all the negativity and pickup a good book During the day make plans with a friend to visitover coffee even if you must be socially distanced
Do this for two weeks and you will feel the results
2 Use Pros and Cons for Good Judgment
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible orask a mature follower of Christ to see if there is already ananswer given Step three Be brutally honest with all the pros andcons of your options
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
162
Remember Who Has All the Answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottle wherever it will catch somelight Keep it open and have slips of paper and pen available
Write down your unanswered questions doubts about yourselfand any other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside the jar is a great problemsurrounded by shadows and light By faith we can accept that wedo not see all or have all the answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimes shoot out of your jar Thisrepresents the endless wisdom and love of God to which we caneach cling Somehow good is going to come of what we do notunderstand
163
BONUS EXERCISE Sleep Hygiene for a Healthy BrainFrom adaaorg
bullKeep a regular sleep schedule Go to bed around the same timeeach nightbullDo not eat a heavy late mealbullWatch TV in a room other than your bedroombullTurn the TV off 30 minutes before bedtimebullPut down the electronics 30 minutes before bedtime The screeneven on dim mode can still be stimulating to the brain via theeyes
3 Examine the Evidence for Shame
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes to one of thequestions on the left you have a newday in the court of your mind Checkout the corresponding links on theright
164
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Secure Your Release From Toxic Shame
165
BONUS EXERCISE Incorporate Self-care
From successcom
Self-care is different for each person Examples of self-careinclude making a healthy smoothie before work going for a longwalk at lunch spending time laughing with your spouse beforebed going on an adventure drive relaxing at the beach calling afriend or taking a long bubble bath The type of self-care doesnrsquotmatter as much as the effect It should make you feel like yoursquoretaking care of yourself in a way that combats toxic shame self-loathing anxiety depression and stress Carve 20 minutes intoyour day for self-care
4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a gamesomething with a little challenge in it to help make a thoughtexchange So I made one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automaticallyspeak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourselfnames Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friend
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might make youcringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
BONUS EXERCISE Write Your Biography
Write stories from your life using only positive descriptive wordsabout yourself It doesnrsquot have to seem true at first Keep at it
166
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look aboutyou and write down all you have accomplished in the last 24hours (You read this page right That is one) No matter howsmall you think the accomplishment it is evidence to the contraryof never do anything right
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved onesto marketers to abusers messages given us as children and oldercan come from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable ofrealistic insight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged falsenegative core beliefs of their own Are they suggestible andreactionary with their emotions Are they knowledgeable andwise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
BONUS EXERCISE Mirror Mirror
Look yourself in the eye and say ldquoI am loved I am lovablerdquoRepeat
167
Test Messages and Messengers
5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
168
Keep
working
169
Know When to Say Yes for a Most-fulfilling Life
Knowing what is of utmost importance to you will help preventmisdirected drive
1 Take time to list all your current obligations This will includefamily friends job financial expenditures physical healthmental health spiritual goals what God has asked of you andanything that you must finish
2 Look realistically at the above Is there anything that does notfit within your daily availability finances emotional energy orphysical capabilities
3 Is there anything you can remove from this list Ask for Godrsquoswisdom
What remains are yesses With rare exceptions everything else isa no Each time you agree to secondary activities expenses orobligations you are trading-in and saying no to something (orsomeone) you more highly value
BONUS EXERCISE Have a Routine
Sometimes when emotions run our decision-making we needsomething stable to help us stay on track with what it is we want
On your calendar mark a morning routine and a bedtimeroutine Set alarms on your phone for meals and meds Schedulefree time so your calendar does not own you
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have theenergy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeuticEven baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make yourown
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list Play music Set the table Take a shower Sit with the family Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today Go for a walk with a person or your dog Eat a healthy meal Attend participate in a support group Paint a picture or put a puzzle together Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Lower Your Stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
6 When You Feel Hopeless Live a Little
170
Allow Hope
Think about your values as a guide Write down what is importantto you and keep the list where you can see it Each day after youhave a choice stick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family
I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
BONUS EXERCISE Prevention
Lack of motivation and finding no pleasure in pleasurable activitiesare two of the classic symptoms doctors look for to diagnosedepression An enjoyable activity serves a preventative role
Make a 9rdquo x 9rdquo paper circle List around the circle activities youenjoy and activities you want to try Ring a paper clip over a penciland plant the pencil in the middle of your circle Spin the paper clipThe activity it points to is what you do for this day Another circlewith names can select whom to invite to join in the activity
171
172
ExampleThought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social eventlearn to be a good friend Reach out to her inkindness
Do something of value to earn respect speakkind words to and about him work on honestways to improve your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thankGod those people are comfortable and nothungry or cold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to goout with your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
7 Act Opposite
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Do the Amazing
What if you did something so shocking it amazes even youWhat if you went so counter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things If you will do it this challenge will shake yourworld and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it moreor to a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the Script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarrantedcriticism it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of runningwoulda-if-only on a loop how about making the situation into agame
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
173
8 Find Harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time
to study their companion and without criticism show appreciationfor the good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God forwhat you have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blamepay attention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize that everyone including yourselfhas made mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive asmuch as God has forgiven you
174
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stopping another person (we have nocontrol over them) Boundaries are about what we allow into ourcircle
Do the following exercise then create your own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leaveresponsibility for his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for theconsequences of losing them
What about a situation in your life
Draw a Circle Around Yourself
175
176
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsession
Take this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool
httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
9 Now What
Spell It Out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write out all it has stolen andwhat freedom will bring This is about you not casting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praiseand gratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is toa real God who will not only see what you write but who knowsyour heart
Write a letter (or letters) to your perceived dependency Do notmail it if it is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Romeis directly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
177
Find a Strong Support System
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over timewho is healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability tohold your confidences Watch them with other people Choosefriends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who haveseen your struggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
178
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in your pocket Feel it whenanxieties and other pressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions and impulsive thoughts orprevents them from rising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can be helpful to avoid anxietyattacks or panic or to use during anxiety and panic attacks
179
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing remindersthat he is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics willinspire you God Will Make a Way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in a public placewith little opportunity to walk away practice sign language orwrite the names of people you care about in the air discreetlybelow your waist Fiddle with anything that requires your fullattention like word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worry later Keep anotebook and pen handy The next time anxiety is triggered orcould be write the concern down and lay it aside Set a date ortime to address the issue perhaps with a safe person
BONUS Keep Your Mind Busy With Purpose
180
For ideas about purposeful activities and meaningfulrelationships during pandemic isolation see my free e-bookStay at Home and Thrive
Retrain Your Thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
181
182
Notes
If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is in the US call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
For a list of international suicide prevention hotlines go towwwsuicideorginternational-suicide-hotlineshtml
If you are suicidal with a plan and intent immediately call 911 in the US or go to your nearest emergency room
In the EU call 112 For more international emergency numbers
httpsenwikipediaorgwikiList_of_suicide_crisis_lines
How the Difference Maker Lifts You Above Depressive ThoughtsCopyright copy 2020 by Nancy Virden All rights reserved
How the Difference Maker Lifts You Above Depressive Thoughts may be freely shared as awhole and complete work with full attribution in place with the following exceptionsCommercial Use No part of this publication may be reproduced stored in a retrieval systemor transmitted in any way by any means electronic mechanical photocopy recording orotherwise for commercial use of any kind for the purposes of reformatting or binding or foradvertising without prior permission from the author
Stories in this book are real All names have been changed except page 121
Unless otherwise indicated Scripture quotes are from the Holy Bible New LivingTranslation copyright copy1996 2004 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation Used bypermission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc Carol Stream Illinois 60188 All rightsreserved
All scripture links lead to Bible Gatewaycom
Cover design by Nancy Virden Photo by XYMONAU on rgbcom cropped
Note In no way is this e-book or anything pertaining to Always the Fight Ministriesintended to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care
About the AuthorNancy Virden
Nancy is a mental health advocatefreelance writer and founder andvoice of Always the FightMinistries
Always the Fight Ministries hasbeen displaying compassion forthose fighting mental illnessaddiction and abuse since 2012Nancy openly shares her story ofemotional resurrection fromdespair
She is an active participant in herchurch most recently starting andco-leading a depression andanxiety support group
CONTACTNancyVirdenhopegmailcom
Nancy has two adult sons Her hobbies include art and research
Dedicated with love to Sue G a friend of thirty-three years
who without fail has prayerfully been at my side -
nonjudgmentally uncritically with full acceptance and
loving action - through dark and scary waters always ready
to greet me when I return to health and without stigma
treat me with knowledge and grace
Thank you dear friend
A donation to Grace Alliance is appreciated in exchange for
this free book
Mental Health Grace Alliancecultivates healthy solutions through
simple innovative biblical truths scientific research and practical tools
It is grace made practical for our mental and emotional health and
resiliency
Mental Health Grace Alliance is a 501(c)3 non-profit organization
Grace Alliance is unaffiliated with Always the Fight Ministries 2020
No donations benefit Nancy Virden financially
Table of Contents
The Difference Makerhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Self-Doubthelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Toxic Shamehelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Self-loathinghelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Extreme Conclusions helliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
HopelessnesshelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellipTo Supports 83
Jealousy and Envyhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Destructive Blamehelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Perceived Dependencyhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Fearhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Appendixhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
5
15
27
39
49
69
92
102
117
131
147
We closed the meeting said goodbye and headed toward our
cars A full to-do list along with a sense of anxious helplessnessfilled my thoughts I cant I cant do it all
Randomly my mind wandered Even if I wanted to clean-up themillions of bee-bee size stones it would be an unsafe waste ofhours A less tedious walk would be nice but the problem was notmine to fix My job was simply to do my best at staying upright
Finally at home I slumped into a chair in silence heart andthoughts racing in stride There still wrapped in my coat handsand feet dressed for the winter chill I sagged under the weight ofbarren strength It was a familiar feeling being overwhelmed
Nothing was left of me on which to lean The whole of my effortslately seemed to accomplish nothing toward higher goals Defeat
5
1The Difference Maker
Walking was treacherous Potholes markedthe parking lot evidence of years of poundingstorms and heavy traffic Miniscule pebblessprinkled a disordered hopscotch as if largerocks had been pulverized over patches of old
and newer asphalt
ldquoI canrsquotrdquo
becomes
our miracle
and exhaustion forced surrender ldquoGod Irsquom sorry I canrsquothelliprdquo
I canrsquot finish what we started canrsquot move from this chair canrsquotplan another meeting see anyone or write another paragraphI canrsquot
Heaven sent three words to complete my whispered prayer ldquobutYou canrdquo The parking lot had been an object lesson It was timeto set down what was not mine to fix
ldquoI canrsquot but You canrdquo became a regular confession One step afteranother this phrase called attention to the One whose strengthdoes not wither whose love never fails and whose offers of restand healing are constant
ldquoThe Lord will fight for you You needonly be stillrdquo God told Mosessup1
ldquoCome to me all you who are wearyand carry heavy burdensrdquo Jesuspromised ldquoI will give you restrdquo sup2
Beyond burn-out daily life often feelsgravelly and threatening whenparalyzed by the past insecurities
The Lord will
fight for you
You need only
be still Exodus 1414
and depressive thinking we make littleprogress toward personal wholeness
Much of the time we stay stuck in fear oflosing what is familiar what it is we thinkwe have learned to control We chasepebbles instead of purpose
6
ldquoLet God transform you into a new person by changing the wayyou thinkrdquo wrote Paul one of the earliest believers in theChristian faithsup3 His term changing or renewing means to makean exchange
God is on our side ldquoI canrsquotrdquo becomes our miracle when we addldquoThe Difference Maker can and Irsquoll let himrdquo
What does God have to do with it
ldquoWho would you rather trust He is the Difference-Makerrdquo - a psychologist
Each are temporary Not only do they fluctuate with discoveryopinions moods and the market none reach into our deepestneed and make us permanently whole
The Difference Maker is well different Not a what but a who hedoes not change like shifting shadows⁴ nor can he be chained tohuman personality knowledge or man-made rites or rules He isgreater than everything we call finished
Godrsquos nature is to be there for us faithful to keep his promiseseven in troubling times His nature is constant which gives us
We like whats What time is it What is thescore What will happen next Educationscience financial security religion andpsychology to name a few have theirpurposes From them we may experience asense of fulfillment and some answers to ourquestion what
7
hope and firm ground in which to stake our trust
Because of his love for each of us he made a way to spend foreverwith us He is holy without any deceit or darkness at all⁵ We arenot as we all know⁶ To permit our guilt (deceit darkness) intohis holy presence he had to make a sacrifice
Instead of compromising his holy nature he provided a holy (nodeceit no darkness) gift that we can choose or refuse One day wewill all stand before God with or without his gift When we cometo him bearing this gift we will be ushered into his heaven⁷ Thenews is dreadful for those who do not have the gift with them⁸
The gift is free salvation offered by Godrsquos grace through faith inhis Son Jesus⁹ It is by accepting this gift that we become Godrsquoschildren and heirs to everything in his kingdomsup1⁰
We have this wonderful future with God to anticipate yet he iswith us now He has sent his Spirit the Holy Spirit (again nodeceit no darkness) to teach us and to touch us emotionally withspiritual truth
One of the best gifts we can open today is Godrsquos peace ldquoThe Lordgives his people strength the Lord blesses them with peacerdquosup1sup1Peace is our new state of being as we learn to apply his truththrough his processes
Paul said it best when he wrote the following
When I think of all this I fall to my knees and pray to theFather the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth Ipray that from his glorious unlimited resources he willempower you with inner strength through his Spirit Then
8
Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in himYour roots will grow down into Godrsquos love and keep youstrong
And may you have the power to understand as all Godrsquospeople should how wide how long how high and how deephis love is May you experience the love of Christ though it istoo great to understand fully Then you will be made completewith all the fullness of life and power that comes from Godsup1sup2
God is love
I will give you a new heart and put anew spirit in you I will remove fromyou your heart of stone and give youa heart of flesh Ezekiel 3626niv
If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son ofGod God lives in them and they in God And so weknow and rely on the love God has for us God islove 1 John 415-16niv
He cares about broken hearts He heals the brokenheartedand binds up their wounds
Psalm 1473niv
You LORD hear the desire of theafflicted you encourage them and youlisten to their cry Psalm 1017niv
He is with us during depression
He offers inside-out change
9
Godrsquos power is at work Now to him who is able to doimmeasurably more than all weask or imagine according to hispower that is at work within us tohim be gloryhellip Ephesians 320-21niv
I say to myself ldquoThe LORD is myinheritance therefore I will hope inhimrdquo -Jeremiah Lamentations 324
He offers eternal hope
He offers joy I came that they may have and enjoy life andhave it in abundance -Jesus John 1010amp
This is not a God will fix you book It is a door that opens into thediscovery of biblical solutions you may not know exist
This is also not a miracle-cure book The miracle is the DifferenceMaker and how he lifts you above depressive thoughts
10
12
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord you teach
ldquohellipwhatever is true
whatever is noble whatever
is right whatever is pure
whatever is lovely whatever
is admirablemdashif anything is
excellent or praiseworthymdash
think about such thingsrdquo
Help me Lord to change my
depressive thoughts
Based on Philippians 48
___________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
1 What consistent triggering event and response do youexperience
___________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
Practical Exercise 1 Make the Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use a napeven though a minute earlier you were not tired This is a type ofthought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bed the visualautomatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Begin noticing what runs through your brain in different situationsHow do certain thoughts make you feel
If you are uncertain how to answer the last question try this quickexperiment Think for 30 seconds on this yearrsquos news and noticeyour emotions Now focus on your favorite memory for 30 secondsIn which direction did your feelings travel when you changed theseintentional thoughts
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom where andwhy of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take the time tocomplete the following exercise (for each thought habit) and you willbe surprised at the worthwhile outcome
12
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchangeyour triggerrsquos association from gloomy to whatgenerally rightens your mood
3 What is your thought-habit
_______________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_______________________________________________(Example l feel content)
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with thingsyou love move the bed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularlyfor foot rubs saying prayers or texting jokesto your friends Avoid texts from work oropen them elsewhere)
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of thespace with open curtains worship music or a self-startingcoffee maker (Avoid texts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
__________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
13
7 What action will you take next time this triggering eventoccurs
__________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts More seriousepisodes of depression anxiety or other challenges may follow apattern or cycle Ideas throughout the following chapters can helpcreate new thinking patterns to replace negative thought habits
14
2Self-Doubt
Her eyes climb sparkling windowpanes to the tenth floor as she
stands frozen facing the entrance to an imposing office buildingAudrey has researched this job opportunity for days Do I knowenough Her binder is loaded with documents What did I forgetHer attire is professional I should have worn those other shoes
A woman walks past carrying a briefcase She looks put-togetherWhat if she is applying Audrey has recently earned a degree thefirst in her family to finish college But it is only a bachelorrsquos and Ihave no experience She catches her reflection in the glass doorsIrsquom too young
Finally Audrey caves What was I thinking They will never hireme This was a mistake Irsquom going home
Some thoughts My judgment is questionable Is this the right decision Am I good enough No one will take me
seriously I do not know if I am making a difference Fears of rejection and failure are paralyzing
ldquoGet Wisdomrdquo
[Godrsquos] still on the throne And those of us who know him putour trust in him and him alone I donrsquot put my trust in
15
ldquoGet wisdomrdquo is the challenge King Solomon of ancient Israel gaveto his son ldquoThough it cost all you have get understandingrdquosup1 Iwonder if his urgency was inspired by the story of his parentsKing David and Bathshebasup1∙⁵
Get wisdom from believers who listen to the Holy Spirit King David took another manrsquos wife Bathsheba and killed theman God detested this terrible deed and David knew it Drowningin lies and excuses he lived in total denial
Nathan the prophet listened to Godrsquos Holy Spirit and called David
Washington I donrsquot put my trust in the United Nations I donrsquotput trust in myself I donrsquot put my trust in my money I put mytrust in the Lord Jesus Christ When all the rest of it fails andcrumbles and shatters Hersquoll be there - Billy Graham
16
Reliance on
Godrsquos wisdom
means our
judgment is
not our only
resource
Self-doubt traps us between fear andfailure Trusting God to show us what todo may seem contradictory to our goal ofthinking for ourselves with confidence Ofcourse we are not created conformists orrobots
Nonetheless we cannot know more thanwe know Reliance on Godrsquos wisdommeans our judgment is not our onlyresource Even when we do not know thewhere what why or how ofcircumstances we never have toquestion Gods ability to lead
out on his rationalizing Truth hit David hard Hebroke down His tears of grief were not only regretbut repentance
Repentance is a combination of sorrow oversinning (wrongdoing) against God and a turningaway from those sins David later wrote in such away it is evident he changed direction His prayeris one we can repeat
Solomon became king remembering his fatherrsquoslessons Above long life riches or militaryvictory he prayed for an understanding mind anddiscerning heart to know the difference betweenright and wrongsup3
Growth and discernment are natural results of asincere and disciplined relationship with JesusAge and many years in the church do notguarantee this Spiritually mature believers havedeeper understanding of sound judgment becauseby constant practice they have trainedthemselves to distinguish good from evil⁴ Thereis much to be said for such experience
A man thanked a boy for giving him directionsadding ldquoIrsquom the new pastor Come to church
17
ldquoSearch me O God and know my heart test meand know my anxious thoughts Point outanything in me that offends you and lead mealong the path of everlasting liferdquosup2
Sunday and Irsquoll show you how get to heavenrdquo
The boy was skeptical Awww come on You dont even know theway around town
God promises ldquoI willhellip teach you in the way you should gordquo⁵ LikeNathan God still appoints people who listen to the Holy Spirit tospeak truth
The better part of wisdom is admitting when we have reached theend of what we know and humbly asking for directions
Get wisdom from the Holy BibleGodrsquos Word is not merely words on paper All Scripture is God-breathed according to Paul⁶ None of it is false
No prophecy or book in the Bible came from the writerrsquos initiativeor human understanding There is but one author God People likePaul who wrote profound letters were moved by the Holy Spirit⁷
Paul continues by saying the Bible is useful for correcting andtraining so servants of God (believers) will be thoroughlyequipped for every good deed and ministry⁸ He strongly impliesthat without such correction and training we will not have thenecessary tools to do Godrsquos work
Several hyper-religious hypocrites tried to trap Jesus with loadedquestions In one incident Jesus replied ldquoAre you not in errorbecause you do not know the Scriptures or the power of Godrdquo ⁹
Jesus could not be tricked into a defensive position because heknew the Word of God intimately He understood the heart of it
18
because he knew the Father so well If we are not studying thebook we will find ourselves floundering So often we leaveourselves vulnerable to the latest arguments and philosophies
Saturating in the Bible whether through reading or audio is howwe learn who God is how he relates to us personally and how torespond to him Without this we miss out on the power of God
I recommend reading the Bible in large chunks Headingschapters and verse numbers have been added by publishers tohelp us navigate and find specific passages these markings do notexist in the original writings Context and flow of meaning arericher without those divisions so try to pretend they are not there
As variations from reading I enjoy the NIV dramatized versionaudio Bible and movies that directly quote New Testament books
The Bible is also not published in chronological order You mayfind it more fascinating and exciting to follow a chronological listof books and passages These are easily found online
Get wisdom from knowing Godrsquos willSelf-doubt interrupts our ability to process leaving us stranded ina place of pain the valley of indecision We want to know Godrsquoswill for us yet our prayers are mixed with fear and negative what-ifs
19
Sam enjoys the pace of factory work He is good with his hands andfeels a sense of pride in a dayrsquos accomplishments He holds nostudent debt can leave his job at the factory and is fully presentfor his family in the evenings
Sam would be miserable managing the factory After dealing withcontractors and payroll and customers all day he would returnhome uptight business school loans still due
If Sam were offered these jobs what would you recommend forhim God is not the author of confusionsup1⁰ Most of the time hespeaks through the obvious and we can over-spiritualize things tothe point they make no sense
God made us with innate talents and gifts He placed us in culturesamong people who will help develop our likes and dislikesAssuming we are not choosing to sin we can make life choicesbased on what suits our unique qualities best
If Audrey faces that office building knowing the job is one that willdry up her talents then walking away is likely wise Of course Godgrows us within the challenging features of his calling We tend toenjoy what we are successful doing and skills increase withpractice Trying a new experience is an adventure
20
Where We
Find JoyOur
Will
Godrsquos
Will
21
He has already revealed his will for us anyway Comparing ouroptions to his known will makes for simpler decisions if they donot match we need to change
Firstly we must have faith in God and In his Son Jesus Withoutfaith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes tohim must believe that he exists and that he rewards those whoearnestly seek himsup1sup1
Secondly with the help of the Holy Spirit we are to transformbecoming more like Christ in attitude which is love for othersobedience to the Father and willingness to suffer for the truthsup1sup2
Thirdly we are told to focus on the spiritual kingdom of Jesussup1sup3My grandmother had a sign hung prominently in her dining roomAs one who wanted to make a difference in the world it spoke tome throughout my youth
lsquoTis only one life
lsquoTwill soon be past
Only whatrsquos done for Christ will last
God feels with you and knows how exhausted and overloaded youare at times Do what you want and can do His work in us is allabout growing in love not more pressure to meet human orreligious standards
Get wisdom from prayerPerhaps the most comforting promise about using good judgment
22
was recorded by Jesusrsquo brother James ldquoIf any of you lacks wisdomyou should ask God who gives generously to all without findingfault and it will be given to yourdquosup1⁴
Without finding fault what a relief We do not have to clean-upbefore approaching our Holy Father He has only one condition forhis perfect guidance to get through to us James wrote ldquoBut whenyou ask you must believe and not doubtrdquosup1⁴
A pastor proposed an idea for knowing when we have receivedGodrsquos answer
Ask Make a specific request to God such as ldquoIs it best I take thisjobrdquo or ldquoDo I owe Becky an apologyrdquo
Listen Pay attention to the first thought that follows yourrequest
Act Go with that first thought
But I will make a mistake Irsquoll think of something wrong That iswhere doubt comes in God is more than capable of getting hismessage through all the muck in our heads Every time I haveapplied this pastorrsquos idea every time the answer has been the rightone
Confusion comes with arguing It is true Trying to have my wayand ldquoaskrdquo him at the same time forces a did he answer or did he notanswer internal battle That is on me not him Self-doubt will pop-up its ugly head nevertheless it loses its power if we refuse tosecond-guess God
Faith and trust increase the better we know him ldquoBe still and knowthat I am Godrdquo he sayssup1⁵ Be still Turn off the television and
23
phone go somewhere quiet and meditate onwho is this God and Creator of the universe
Open your Bible with this prayer ldquoGod pleaseshow me what this means to my life mysituation Please reveal what I need to learnabout Yourdquo
Love and holiness are Godrsquos nature His love is
He told
Moses his
name
ldquoI AMrdquo
unending He is the source of all good and truth in the world He isperfectly goodsup1⁶
Yet he is a mystery No one of such finite quality as we can fullymake sense of an eternal God The most studious experts ofscripture know only what God has revealed to them
He told Moses his name I AMsup1⁷ He exists As supposed to all theother false gods and idols that are man-made illusions and self-reliance which is faulty surely he can handle our situations Let usstop questioning our every move We can be still and know he isGod
Imagine Audrey goes to the job interview confident of Godrsquos lovefor her Intimidation and insecurities weaken as she exchanges self-doubt for faith
I cannot Lord You canI have not You will never abandon me
I am unseeing You know all
Please lead me along the best path
25
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Do good to your servant
according to your word
Lord Teach me knowledge
and good judgment for I
trust your commands Before
I was afflicted I went
astray but now I obey
your word
Psalm 11965-67
Practical Exercise 2 Pros and Cons
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible or ask amature follower of Christ to see if there is already an answer givenStep three Be brutally honest with all the pros and cons of youroptions
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
25
Next remember who has all the answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottlewherever it will catch some light Keepit open and have slips of paper andpen available
Write down your unansweredquestions doubts about yourself andany other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside thejar is a great problem surrounded byshadows and light By faith we canaccept that we do not see all or have allthe answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimesshoot out of your jar This representsthe endless wisdom and love of God towhich we can each cling Somehowgood is going to come of what we donot understand
26
3Toxic Shame
Some thoughts I must punish myself I cannot show my face Irsquoll never tell anyone what I did or how I feel There are dozens of reasons for her to hate me I cannot go to
God because Ive done too much wrong Forgive myself Not possible
Shame is a good thing It is Without shame for wrongdoing there
would be no rehabilitation no fresh starts no amends and nochange We must feel ashamed so we are ready to apologize andmean it This is healthy
Toxic Shame is a cruel entertainer replaying mental moviesespecially at night while we snack on the poisons of self-hate andhumiliation
Toxic Shames co-conspirator is Mindreading She makes it difficultto let go of the fear that people remember and do not forgive
Toxic Shame is a relentless accuser with total-devastation potential Scores of his targets havefallen victim to physical pains anxiety or someform of self-punishment This shame preventsrest in Godrsquos love because we question ourworthiness of forgiveness
27
mistakes We do not take their words at face value Mindreadingassumes we are judged by everyone like we judge ourselves
Toxic shame cannot stand up to Godrsquos mercy
pastor the name of Jesus never escaped his lips
As he lay dying and unresponsive at age eighty-four a chaplaincame to visit He asked about Dadrsquos background and I told him whatI just told you The chaplain said something I had not consideredldquoPerhaps because he once was a pastor he does not believe he canbe forgiven for falling into sinrdquo
It makes perfect sense the way Dad wouldshrug off talk of his old days as a preacheror how he changed the subject if a regularconversation turned to faith When I or myson asked about his relationship to Jesushe always answered ldquoIrsquom working on itrdquo
ldquoPerhaps
because he was
once a pastor
he does not
believe he can
be forgivenrdquo
Refusing to forgive ourselves might seemlike humility it is the epitome of prideWe assume to have an authority greaterthan God when after he wipes away oursins we answer ldquoNot me Im too messedup even for You
Clumsy human attitudes such as this donot determine Godrsquos toward us
My dad was not easily understood Hisways were a mix of good deeds and dolingout grievous pain Although he was once a
28
Shortly after the chaplain spoke to and prayed with my dad Istepped out for a short break from keeping vigil Ten minutes latertrying to reenter Dadrsquos room it felt the door was heavy as ifpressing against a strong wind With a heavier shove I found myselfin a familiar and most welcome of atmospheres
It was still except for the sound of labored breathing The air wasthick with the closest to perfect peace as we will ever know on thisearth The dense presence of Godrsquos Holy Spirit filled the roomconcentrated in the corner over my fatherrsquos bed
The Difference Maker was answering my long-time prayer andholding a deathbed conversation with Dad Some time passed until Ifelt the presence rise and leave perhaps taking a refreshed soul withhim Within an hour my dadrsquos frail body quit trying
Jesus was crucified between two thieves One of them said to JesusldquoRemember me when you come into your kingdomrdquo
Jesus answered ldquoToday you will be with me in paradiserdquosup1
A thief and my dad Two unlikely candidates for heaven embracedfor eternity because they said yes to forgiveness
It is too bad my dad did not live a life of peace We can While werehearse old scenarios the Difference Maker forgives generously
We duck our heads in shame he wants to liftour chinssup2
Once my dad had breathed his last I askedGod if he would assure me that dad said yes tohim during their talk I opened my Bible and
29
30
landed near the end of the Old Testament
ldquoYou will not stay angry with your people forever because youdelight in showing unfailing loverdquo Micah the prophet wrote ldquoOnceagain you will have compassion on us You will trample our sinsunder your feet and throw them into the depths of the oceanrdquosup3
Do you see that God delights in showing unfailing love He wasnever about to let his child go into eternity without him In the endGod orchestrated the timing so my dad would accept forgivenessand his daughter would have the privilege of learning just how deepis the love of God for those who believe on his Son⁴
He not only removes our shame he personally has a great timedoing so He is eager to remove our fears too
I know my dad is in heaven just like I know the thief is there ldquoFor ashigh as the heavens are above the earth so great is his love for thosewho fear him as far as the east is from the west so far has heremoved our transgressions from usrdquo⁵
Other steps
Remember healthy shame It becomes toxic when we allow it to rotunattended while we refuse to deal with complicated truth
Things we ignore grow moldy and poisonous This plays out inaddiction resentment depression anger control issues self-righteousness and so much more
Godrsquos love and forgiveness are gracious and forever I will thank himfor them However he does not take our stubborn and hard
Moral inventory shapes our understanding of ourselves whichin turn shapes our relationship with God Some styles ofinventory ask us to take a hard look at our character defectsand this can create a powerful sense of our need for God Otherstyles of inventory encourage us to look not just at ourshortcomings but at our strengths as well and so the sense ofneed for God is not as strong If we write according to the firststyle of inventory we are more likely to enter in an intimaterelationship with God ndashJames Ryan of the National
Association of Christian Recovery
A fearless inventory does not shy away from total honesty with Godwho knows everything anyway⁶ We do not have to fear Godrsquosrejection He never expects perfection from humans because heknows how weak we are he remembers we are only dust⁷
Guidance for completing an inventory is on the next page
hearts and melt them against our will Steps we can take will openus to his miracles
Moral Inventory
31
ConfessionldquoDonrsquot be impressed with your own wisdomInstead fear the LORD and turn away fromevil Then you will have healing for your bodyand strength for your bonesrdquo⁸
Who knew the Bible is so psychologically apteh
The One who made us knows we need tounload shame and offers his listening earsWe share our moral inventory with him andask him to remove all our sins
Honesty 1 Peter 222
rdquoHe committed no
sin and no deceit was
found in his mouthrdquo
Sexual Purity
Hebrews 726 rdquo[Christ
Jesus] truly meets our need mdash one who is
holy blameless pure set apart from sinnershelliprdquo
Love 1 John 316 ldquoThis is how
we know what love isJesus Christ
laid down his life for
usrdquo
Unselfishness2 Corinthians
89rdquoFor you know the grace of our
Lord Jesus Christ that
though he was rich yet for your sake he became
poor so that you through his
poverty might become richrdquo
Borrowed from the Oxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes we compare
our honesty purity unselfishness and love to that of Jesus
32
Amends (not excuses)
Jesus said ldquohellipif you are offering your gift at the altar (he meant inworship of God) and there remember that your brother or sisterhas something against you leave your gift there in front of the altarFirst go and be reconciled to them then come and offer your giftrdquo⁹
That is how important making amends is to God Confessing ourwrongs to people we have hurt is a giant step toward our healingfrom toxic shame and hopefully brings some sense of closure tothem too Unless contacting them would cause them more pain wehumbly admit what we did and apologize
Forgiveness is theirs to give when and if they are ready so we donot ask for it Our forgiveness comes from above Amends may notproduce a healed relationship we do it anyway and leave others toGod
Pray blessings for your enemiesJesus prayed for his enemiessup1⁰ as did Stephen the first Christianmartyr
ldquoOpen confession is good for the soulrdquo ndashScottish proverb
33
This is an ongoing process His forgivenessis complete nonetheless we will continueto act dishonestly impurely selfishly andunlovingly at times
A caution Do not compare yourself against
other people only to Christ Jesus
Stephen prayed for those who conspired to have him stoned todeathsup1sup1 While he was dying he asked God to have mercy on hisenemies Saul of Tarsus stood among themsup1sup1∙⁵
In the name of God Saul of Tarsus zealously opposed Jesusrsquofollowers hunting them down Mercilessly he tore families apartdragging men and women believers to prison and voting for theirdeaths He tried to force them to blaspheme a criminal offensesup1sup2
Eventually he wrote half the New Testament of our Holy Bibletoday
Did Paul deserve Godrsquos grace No way That is the beauty of itnone of us do Jesus never sinned and therefore had pure love forhis enemies By praying for our enemies we recognize theirhumanity and ours The largess of Godrsquos grace heals our soul
Stay in the presentPaul could easily have been paralyzed by toxic shame as hepreached to and encouraged friends and members of those samefamilies he had killed In his sixties and under house arrest for hisfaith Paul wrote ldquohellipone thing I do Forgetting what is behind and
As he was
martyred he
asked God to
have mercy on his
enemies
God heard Stephenrsquos prayer and hadmercy on Saul After his conversionSaul changed his name to Paul (Saulwas a kingly name Paul meanslittle)
For about thirty-five years Paulserved as missionary and churchplanter willingly suffering the life hehad imposed on otherssup1sup3
34
Note We all need assistance sometimes When toxicshame is connected to unaddressed memories andtrauma emotional disturbances and the inability tofunction normally we may benefit most from professionalhelp
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love ofGod and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with yousup1⁶
straining toward what is ahead I press onhelliprdquo sup1⁴
Toxic shame can be a choice The past cannot change why wastetime on it Today and tomorrow with the Difference Maker in thelead we have the opportunity to follow his plan of escape from self-defeating thoughts and live a different kind of life
Godrsquos promise is that no shadow of shame will darken our faces ifwe look to himsup1⁵ Read the book of John as you begin orstrengthen your walk with God
35
Prayer to the Difference Maker
ldquohellipmany are saying of my soul
lsquoThere is no salvation for him in Godrsquo
But you O LORD
are a shield about me my glory
and the lifter of my headrdquo
Psalm 32-4 (ESV)
Practical Exercise 3 Examine the Evidence
If
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes toone of the questionson the left you havea new day in thecourt of your mindCheck out thecorresponding linkson the right
37
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Prison- no parole
Next secure your release
38
4Self-loathing
Mr Negative self-
talk destroys
identities and
paralyzes dreams
Period That is all
he does
Mr Self-loathing blinds us to thewonderful mysteries of otherpeople by laser-beam focusinginward In public we worry if weare coming across okay In privatewe wonder what others think aboutus
When we do not believe in ouraptitude personality or lovabilitywe miss out on the love others tryto extend Compliments upset us
Some thoughts Irsquom not good enough No one can love meIrsquom too old or young too fat or thin too uneducated or
inexperienced too introverted or boisterous Irsquom always too much and too little Ugly Idiot Trouble
Thats me I am a mistake
Mr Self-loathing is in the ldquoIrdquo business He sells I-should-not be
me and I-should-have-done-better His top sales manager MsSense of Worthlessness invented Irsquom not-as-good-as-so-n-so andIrsquom-sorry-for-everything Their chief of business communicationsolrsquo Negative Self-talk specializes in I am a loser of every typeimaginable
39
because in our minds they cannotpossibly be true We believepeople are only placating us forwhat purpose we do not knowMiniscule mistakes blare I canrsquotget anything right
Loathing is a strong term andappropriate for this self-debasingthinking As a thought habit itresponds well to Practical Exercise1
If we buy the goods Ms Sense ofWorthlessness sells self-loathing
goes public She excels at over-apologizing One of her favorites isldquoOh excuse merdquo (even though you nearly knocked me onto mykeester and two pounds of chocolate chips ripped open in front ofmy three very young children who now look like foraging raccoonsBut hey Irsquom sorry- to you- who is long gone)
Another favorite is ldquoIrsquom sorry to bother yourdquo (though you said I amnot bothering you a minute ago and each time I have walked intoyour office since you hired me you have said the same)
She also encourages her customers to say I am sorry with bodylanguage when nothing out of the ordinary has occurred
Maybe we rationalize apologies as nice polite or sympatheticUnfortunately unnecessary and excessive apologizing generallyframes us as untrustworthy and weak even if we are not thosethings The practice works against us
40
Mr Negative Self-talk destroys identities and paralyzes dreamsPeriod That is all he does His attacks against our wellbeing are oldvoices thoughts and beliefs playing on a loop each geared towardthe abuse and vandalization of our minds bodies and spirits
One meme says ldquoIf a friend speaks to you the way you speak toyourself how long will you be friendsrdquo Well what if a friend talksabout herself using thoughts you hold against yourself how longbefore you try to reassure her
Baggage and Beliefs
Some of our baggage is based on negative false core beliefs usuallyadopted in childhood Three steps form a belief
bull A significant person to us one in authority or someone we trustor admire sends or affirms a message positive or negativethrough speech or actions
bull Our experience must support that message whether byperception or reality
bull Then we must repeat the message to ourselves
For instance a teacher says ldquoYou are weak at mathrdquo On the nextexam you miss some equations This experience might become yourldquoevidencerdquo of weakness in math By repeating to yourself Irsquomterrible at math you affix the belief
Negative false core beliefs often buried deep inside and out ofsight strongly affect our decisions even when we are unaware
Jeff is not introspective and tends to go about his business with anair of certainty However he turns down promotions and lately
41
His dad had been promoted severaltimes within the company for whichhe worked most of his life At an olderage he was fired and replaced by ayounger man who earned less Thishappened when Jeff was a teenagerand he heard an earful as his dadblamed the bosses the ldquosystemrdquo andbad luck
Jeff picked up on the message that nomatter how hard one tries gettingahead will result in financial disasteranyway Throughout his life hegathered evidence of injusticesupporting this message Hemumbled ldquoThatrsquos the way it isrdquo untilhe no longer had to be aware of it tobase his life around it
Uncovering this core belief changedhis attitude He took time to challengethe old fear with evidence to thecontrary
42
A
message
Experience
backs it up
We repeat
the
message to
ourselves
anger rises when the manager asks him to take on more leadershipresponsibility
Jeffrsquos wife suggests he begin to question for the first time if there ismore behind these decisions Starting with the Difference Makerhe asks for help
Beliefs Baggage
Whether he accepts a promotion is not the point He is his ownman free to make decisions about his future without an underlyingfear of loss undermining his goals
Any one of us may have our sense of identity buried under moundsof such beliefs I am stupid I am annoying No one can truly loveme I do not belong herehellip and on and on it goes We watch ourdreams float past like clouds and mutter ldquoI canrsquot I am not enoughrdquo
Another point of view
Self-loathing a sense of worthlessness and negative self-talk may
Godrsquos
Thoughts
Our
Thoughts
be familiar and oddly comforting Perhaps this ishow someone significant to us treats us Maybe itis all we have known No matter how the put-downs started God wants to change our thinking
He highly values us He created people in hisimagesup1 He made humans but a little lower thanhimselfsup2
These facts do not make us little gods he alone isGod He said ldquoMy thoughts are nothing like yourthoughts and my ways are far beyond anythingyou could imaginerdquosup3
By questioning our worth are we not assuminghis thoughts are the lower ones We curse onehuman being who is made in Godrsquos likeness andoften harshly judge others who remind us ofourselves⁴
43
Take in the Difference Makerrsquos messages
I am whole as Godrsquos artFor I am Godrsquos handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do goodworks which he prepared in advance for me to do ⁵
He created my inmost being he knit me together in my motherrsquoswomb⁶
I am whole because I am newThis means that I who belong to Christ have become a new personMy old life is gone a new life has begun⁷
Because of the LORDrsquos great love I am not consumed for hiscompassions never fail They are new every morning Great is Godrsquosfaithfulness ⁸
God does not make mistakes therefore I matter God loves me with an unending love therefore I am lovable
I am human with strengths and weaknesses like everyone therefore I am as valuable
There is purpose for my life therefore I will make a differenceI am who God says I am therefore I have a unique identity
44
Taking Godrsquos point of view to heart is to embrace grace thatmysterious and priceless gift of Godrsquos favor and blessing that no onecan earn
45
I belong because I am Godrsquos childSee what great love the Father has lavished on me that I should becalled a child of God And that is what I am ⁹
I belong and am a friend of JesusI am friends with the Lord and Savior Yes Abraham believedGodhellip and he was called a friend of Godsup1⁰
He calls me friend for everything that he has learned from theFather he has made known to mesup1sup1
I am secureThough my father and mother forsake me the LORD will receivemesup1sup2
I am one of Good Shepherdrsquos sheep and I listen to his voice Heknows me and I follow him He gives me eternal life and I willnever perish No one can snatch me away for the Father is morepowerful than anyone else No one can snatch me from the Fatherrsquoshandsup1sup3
I am strong when I am weakChristrsquos grace is all I need His power works best in myweakness So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so thatthe power of Christ can work through mesup1⁴
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Thank you for making me so
wonderfully complex Your
workmanship is marvelous -
how well I know it
Psalm 13914
Practical Exercise 4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a game somethingwith a little challenge in it to help make a thought exchange So Imade one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Word-Swap
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automatically
speak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourself
names Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckhellipExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friendhellip
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might makeyou cringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
47
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look about youand write down all you have accomplished in the last 24 hours (Youread this page right That is one) No matter how small you think theaccomplishment it is evidence to the contrary of never do anythingright
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved ones tomarketers to abusers messages given us as children and older cancome from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable of realisticinsight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged false negative corebeliefs of their own Are they suggestible and reactionary with theiremotions Are they knowledgeable and wise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
48
Next test messages and messengers
5Extreme
Conclusions How I feel in this moment is how I will always feel No
one is trustworthy If the result will be perfect Irsquoll do it if not I wonrsquot try God only helps those who help themselves
Irsquoll make sure you are happy Irsquoll sleep when Irsquom dead I always do what is right and you never do If I do not get
this new job Irsquoll have to go back to the old one
Extreme conclusions are mental
destinations We travel there via trains ofthought Four main engines pull separate linesof cargo cars loaded with random thoughtsand assumptions These engines are calledBlack-and-white All-or-nothing Either-orand Pass-fail
Extreme conclusions are depressive whenexpectations are not met For example in thesports world winning is everything If an
Disclaimer Absolute truths exist as expressedthroughout this book that is not the topic here
Pass-fail
athlete with a pass-fail mindset loses the athletersquos sense of personalvalue may hang on the scoreboard
49
Primarily this mindsetjudges By dissecting life andboxing it in with manmaderules it labels situationspeople ideas emotions andeven God as all good or all
bad
Unwanted or disagreeable
Throughout a lifetime gray areas or for the sake of this chapter themiddle track is where most decisions are made We want to land atreasonable conclusions Listening learning compromising makingfair judgments and extending mercy swiftly carry us to that moresatisfying place
Once there we find closer relationships higher self-esteemforgiveness and honesty
It is imperative our thoughts ride the middle rails Outside of thatwe lose sight of options We wind up lost in Extreme Conclusionsour minds closed
Black-and-white (judgmental)
Black-and-white thinking is themonster truck of thought enginesthe gold medalist in conveyingundecipherable messages to ourbrain at speeds so fast that we areat Extreme Conclusions wellbefore we have had a chance to reconsider
50
ideas and emotions are stored out of reach and dismissed
Jesus lived in the gray Violently against hypocricy and manmadereligious laws and passionate about his Father he taught atransformative love
Do not judgesup1 open your eyes and arms to the strangersup2 and sharewith those in needsup3 he preached Greet people who are not yourpeople⁴ pray for your enemies⁵ and do to others as you wouldwant them to do to you⁶
He was radical then and still is It was against religious rules to doany work on the Sabbath yet Jesus healed people and allowed hishungry disciples to pick grain on holy days He lifted women to ahigher plane speaking to them directly and treating them with thesame respect he offered men He welcomed women to choosediscipleship Love and decency shown to the poor and sociallydespised became a hallmark of his ministry
He was not so patient with religious hypocrites
Jesus told a now-famous parable⁷ about extreme conclusions of theself-righteous black-and-white variety and their opposite
A man of a certain race and creed was beaten by robbers and left todie Two people of the same race and creed saw him lying there andignored him
Why He was inconvenient They had work to finish and religiousrules to follow Touching a dead man back then would make themceremonially unclean for seven days⁸ They would not take thechance
51
A third man came along this time of a race andcreed that shared a long-standing animositytoward the people of the robbed man Normallythese two populations did not interact or eventouch some of the same items
Social norms did not cause this third passer-by tohesitate He saw only human need and rushed tothe aid of a person dying by the side of the roadInstead of us versus them he chose middleground
He saw
only
human
need and
rushed to
the aid of
a person
dying by
the side of
the roadInstead of
us versus
them he
chose
middle
ground
He cleaned the manrsquoswounds with oil andwine bandaged hislacerations and tookhim to an inn where theowner agreed to watchover his recovery Thekind stranger paid forroom and boardpromised to check backand left to go about hisbusiness
Black and whitejudgments often have
52
nothing to do with love The Difference Makerreminds us that he holds all knowledge and weknow but part⁹ Blinded to a log in our eyes wewill hurt people by attempting speck-removalsurgery on theirssup1⁰
ldquoMake sure that the light you think you have is not actuallydarkness If you are filled with light with no dark corners then yourwhole life will be radiant as though a floodlight were filling youwith lightrdquosup1⁰∙⁵
All-or-nothing (misdirected drive)
All-or-nothing is 101 investment in a single area of life to theexclusion of all else It is a one-track train of thought
state of constant motion stress and guilt
Whatever consumes our priorities and imagination vital momentsand relationships that make life worthwhile wilt in the cabooseDepression is an unsurprising pay-off as are heart attacks Balanceis in the middle
Common modern misdirected drives such as the love of money andcontrol over onersquos destiny are also ancient
A rich young mansup1sup1 clearly spiritually sensitive approached JesusldquoI have carefully followed all the ten commandmentsrdquo he saidldquoWhat else must I do to earn eternal liferdquo
With love Jesus offered a shocking plan He suggested the man sellhis possessions and give the money to the poor This ran far deeper
Be it work education legacyfame power pursuit of moneyor anything else an all-or-nothingmindset mimics tyrannythreatening to stop us altogetherunless we remain in a deplorable
53
than asking for a donation Jesusrsquo intentions appear less aboutsacrificial giving than faith
One sect of religious teachers at the time commonly taught thatwealth proved Godrsquos approval and was a likely ticket to heaven ifheaven existed The young man went away sad and this falseteaching may be part of the reason His question had been aboutobeying rules Jesusrsquo answer challenged him to lsquobreakrsquo one of theso-called rules that provided comfort
Driven to earn more collect more and reassure himself he missedeverything he had been looking for He was afraid of losing statushis hope of salvation by a means other than Jesus
heaven what hope was there for the poor For them Theyasked ldquoWho then can be savedrdquo
Jesus said ldquoWith man this is impossible but with God all thingsare possiblerdquo In one sentence he negated the notion that anythingbut Godrsquos grace can usher people into eternal life
All-or-nothing thinking potentially affects us in any area Jesussaid ldquoNo one can serve two masters For you will hate one and lovethe other you will be devoted to one and despise the otherrdquosup1sup2
To his disciples who witnessed thisexchange Jesus said ldquoIt is easierfor a camel to go through the eye ofa needle than for a rich person toenter the kingdom of Godrdquo
They were naturally astounded atthis unfamiliar teaching If it wereimpossible for the rich to enter
54
A popular heresy is the ldquoprosperity gospelrdquo promising gulliblepeople that God wants them rich Lest there be any doubt Paulexplains this topic in a letter to the young pastor Timothy
ldquoThese are the things you are to teach and insist on If anyoneteaches otherwise and does not agree to the sound instruction of ourLord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching they are conceited andunderstand nothing They have an unhealthy interest incontroversies and quarrels about words that result in envy strifemalicious talk evil suspicions and constant friction between peopleof corrupt mind who have been robbed of the truth and who thinkthat godliness is a means to financial gain
ldquoBut godliness with contentment is great gain For we broughtnothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it But if wehave food and clothing we will be content with that Those whowant to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into manyfoolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin anddestruction For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil Somepeople eager for money have wandered from the faith and piercedthemselves with many griefshellip
ldquoCommand those who are rich in this present world not to bearrogant nor to put their hope in wealth which is so uncertain butto put their hope in God who richly provides us with everything forour enjoyment Command them to do good to be rich in gooddeeds and to be generous and willing to share In this way they willlay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the comingage so that they may take hold of the life that is truly liferdquo
1 Timothy 63-19niv
55
Either-or (limited vision)
when he applied for work on the railroad in 1944 He was tooyoung Extreme conclusions told him it was useless to try againalthough the original dream never died
It is easy to look at William and think he could have tried hardernonetheless what about us Have we given up dreaming Are westaying in abusive relationships because we cannot see a way outHave we denied ourselves recovery because it seems impossibleDo we accept mental health struggles with an ldquooh wellrdquo shrug andbalk at seeking help
Do we worship the all-powerful all-knowing always-loving ldquoGodwith usrdquosup1sup3 or keep our distance for fear he will ruin our lives
Maybe we hide behind either-or too
Train tracks mechanically move at what are aptly called switchesRailyards have complex systems allowing engines with or withoutcars to completely reverse and travel the opposite direction
Either-or narrows ourvision to only two possiblechoices It leaves no spacefor fresh solutions Livingin this mindset isdepressive becausewhatever we want outsideof these limited options islocked out of consideration
William was turned down
56
What if God plans to conduct me through the impossible
What if his strength is enough for me to try something new
What if his wisdom will guide me safely away from repeated effortsthat have never worked and into freedom
What if I survive What if I can start over What if
Maryrsquos and Martharsquos brother Lazarus was severely illsup1⁴ Worriedthe sisters sent an urgent message to Jesus Please come
His reaction is still jolting
Lazarus died To many Jesusrsquo slowness did not look like concernenough
Martha ran to meet him as he arrived at town She said ldquoIf you hadonly been here my brother would not have diedrdquo
ldquoNow Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus Sowhen he heard that Lazarus was sick he stayed where hewas two more dayshelliprdquo (italics mine)
Switches are a massive undertaking andan engineering marvel
In what we may appropriately callanother marvel the Difference Makerwillingly switches at any time our one-track thoughts If we allow Godrsquospossibilities to override our either-orfaith asks a positive ldquowhat ifrdquo
57
Mary slumped at his feet tortured by the same thought ldquoLord ifyou had been herehelliprdquo Visitors who had come to grieve with Marthaand Mary mumbled ldquoHe could have saved Lazarusrsquo lifehelliprdquo
Deeply impassioned by the lack of faith around himsup1⁵ Jesuswalked to a small cave covered by a stone It was Lazarusrsquo graveldquoMove the stonerdquo he said
ldquoBut Lordrdquo said Martha ldquoBy this time there is a bad odor for hehas been there four daysrdquo
Lazarusrsquo sisters were stuck in either-or thinking partially due to thesociety in which they grew up Among the many false religiousteachings of their day it was believed that the soul left the bodypermanently after three days
The stone out of the way Jesus called in a loud voice ldquoLazaruscome outrdquo
Lazarus emerged from the dark caveinto daylight Jesus said ldquoTake offhis grave clothes and let him gordquo
No one had expected this No onedreamed that Jesusrsquo love includedthe inexplicable
No one had
expected
this
Four days after death meant no more hopefor miracles Either Jesus had come quicklyor it was too late Either Jesus had raisedLazarus a day earlier or it was impossibleeven for him
58
The disciples had heard him say earlier that Lazarus would live Hehad informed Martha also that Lazarus would be raised Yet thatwas not enough for them to understand and believesup1⁶
Jesus wept with Mary and Martha yearning to increase their faithHe was glad to see many of the witnesses finally set aside theirdoubts
The resurrection of Lazarus was significant for another reasonWhen powerful religious leaders heard about this miracle theirsomewhat paranoid ideas about Jesus and how many people wereturning to him increased They convened as a unit to plot Jesusrsquomurder not admitting they had no power to kill him outside ofGodrsquos timing
Ultimately by waiting to answer the sistersrsquo desperate plea thecompletion of Christ Jesusrsquo great mission took place voluntarilypaying the bloody price for our sins and coming back from deathThrough the experience of Lazarus he had left his followers withproof of his power to restore life no matter the odds
The death Lazarus endured was never in vain God who exists intimelessness knew precisely what everyone needed most They sawsuffering he saw the unfolding of his perfect plan They grieved theend of a life he rejoiced at the beginning of eternal life for all whowould trust in him completely
The Difference Makerworks miracles farbeyond either-or
59
60
A pass-or-fail train of thought is brutal Without mercy itdemands an accounting for every mistake Do not think it rewardswise choices No this train is on to the next opportunity to runover its victim Most often that is you
Olivetrsquos goal is to find a job in a new career Measuring her successby using a scale of 1-100 she gives herself a 30 for returning toschool as an older adult Finishing with an Associatersquos degree sheadds another 30 She finds it difficult to land a job Does this dropher back to zero
Pass-or-fail thinking takes such a punch and does not rise All thiseffort has been a waste of time
Mercy accepts realityrsquos middles Is stamina in Olivetrsquos job searchworth 20 She counts her successful steps Already she is at 80and not yet hired
Is anything more emotionallyself-punishing than to measureourselves against an impossiblestandard The psalmist wroteldquoEven perfection has itslimitshelliprdquosup1⁷
Pass-or-fail (merciless)
Unemployed Olivet might look like a loserto some Not to God ldquoPeople judge by theoutward appearance but the Lord looks atthe heartsup1⁸
61
One of Jesusrsquo closest friends Peter was an emotional man withgood intentions and quick impulses Words tended to leap from hismouth before careful thought
He opened his mouth one time too many Only hours before Jesuswas arrested on trumped-up charges Peter vowed his allegiancesaying ldquoEven if I have to die with you I will never deny yourdquosup1⁹
Jesus said ldquoPeter before morning by the time a rooster crowstwice you will have already denied me three timesrdquo
A crowd of men armed with swords and clubs took Jesus intocustody in the middle of the night His disciples scattered in fearPeter had enough courage to follow Jesus to the trial albeit fromfar behind He found himself hiding near a campfire with guardsand others who had been at the arrestsup2⁰
A servant girl recognized him ldquoYou were one of those with Jesusrdquo
Peter answered for all those around the fire to hear ldquoI donrsquot knowwhat yoursquore talking aboutrdquo
A rooster crowed in the background
As the rumor traveled people staredA voice spoke from the shadows ldquoHeis one of themrdquo
Panicking Peter said ldquoI swear I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Other bystanders confronted him
ldquoYou must be one of his followers Youraccent gives you awayrdquo
rooster crows Agonizing shame stabbed at his heart andbeleaguered his mind You will deny me three times before therooster crows twice Bolting from that place Peter wept bitterly
If life is a pass-fail test with God Peter failed At the mostimportant moment in history he crumbled That is not the end ofPeterrsquos story
Jesus was crucified Three days later after Jesus rose to life Peterraced with all his might to the grave to see if this report weretruesup2sup1 I imagine he had never dreamed of a second chance
Jesus showed himself to the disciples several times over the nextforty days One morning as he sat with seven of them Jesus saidto Peter ldquoDo you love me more than theserdquosup2sup2
American English is limited in that we use one word for loverelying on inflection and context to fill-in-the-blanks The ancientlanguages of the Bible were more specific Jesus was asking ldquoDoyou love me dearly more than these other disciples do Do youlove me now with total commitment and devotionrdquo
62
If life is a pass-
fail test with
God Peter
failed
ldquoA curse on me if Irsquom lying I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Immediately the rooster crowedagain
Before the rooster crows Before the
Having once said he would not deny Jesus even if everyone elsedid Peterrsquos pride was tested Understanding clearly that the Lordknew him better than he knew himself he may have been afraid toanswer Perhaps he doubted his capability to love like he had beencertain he could
He said ldquoYou know that I love You with a deep personal affectionas for a close friendrdquo
ldquoThen feed my lambsrdquo Jesus told him restoring Peter to hispreaching and teaching ministry
Jesus repeated the question ldquoSimon son of John (as Peter was alsoknown) do you love me dearly more than these others do withtotal commitment and devotionrdquo
Peter stood by his original friend-type answer
ldquoThen take care of my sheeprdquo
Suddenly Jesus changed his question ldquoPeter do you love me witha deep personal affection as for a close friendrdquo
It is almost as if Jesus were questioning Peterrsquos truth-telling but doyou really Perhaps this is how Peter heard it Still torn up byshame and self-doubt his reply was emphatic ldquoYou knoweverythingrdquo
Jesus assured him in a perplexing way ldquoWhen you grow old youwill stretch out your hands and arms and someone else will dressyou and carry you where you do not wish to gordquo
63
To Peter this dire news meant that he would one day be the manhe wanted to become Unafraid to love Jesus with his whole hearthe would stare martyrdom in the eye and courageously accept thecost of following the Messiah
One can almost feel the relief that swept over Peterrsquos body makinghis arms limp and body sag Although scripture does not tell us Iimagine Peter weeping again this time in gratitude and relief
Jesus said ldquoFollow merdquo
Three years earlier Jesus had called to Peter to follow him theoriginal language meaning ldquoCome hererdquo Peter had enthusiasticallybecome a believer and devotee Why say it again
This time the word follow was an invitation to walk the same pathJesus had walked Peter had a quality decision to make He wasforgiven and grace welcomed him back Would he accept
Later Peter faced the council that had condemned Jesus to die Thiswas said of him ldquoThe members of the council were amazed whenthey saw the boldness of Peterhelliprdquosup2sup3 Yes Peter accepted and so canwe Our failures or missteps do not determine our value
Paul reflected on why God houses his great power in humanbelievers calling us ldquofragile clay jarsrdquosup2⁴
Fragility with clay feet like Peterrsquos helps to keep us from theextreme conclusion that we are wiser than God becoming big-shotsforgetting that all good and perfect gifts are from the DifferenceMakersup2⁵ who loves us with an everlasting love
64
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord Irsquom standing at the crossroads
and looking asking for the ancient
paths asking where the good way is
so I can walk in it You promise it is
there that I will find rest for my soul
Guide me Lord Amen
Based on Jeremiah 616
66
Practical Exercise 5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
67
Keep
working
68
Next know when to say yes for a most-fulfilling life
Knowing what is of utmostimportance to you will helpprevent misdirected drive
1 Take time to list all yourcurrent obligations This willinclude family friends jobfinancial expenditures physicalhealth mental health spiritualgoals what God has asked ofyou and anything that youmust finish
2 Look realistically at theabove Is there anything thatdoes not fit within your daily
availability finances emotionalenergy or physical capabilities
3 Is there anything you canremove from this list Ask forGodrsquos wisdom
What remains are your yesses
With rare exceptions everythingelse is a no Each time you agreeto secondary activities expensesor obligations you are trading-in and saying no to something(or someone) you more highlyvalue
Making new
obligations
copyNancy Virden 2012
Popularity spending
more money
entertainmenthellip
6Hopelessness
Some thoughts No win is possible Nothing can improve These losses are too heavy with only more to come God
cannot stand me anymore My family is better off without me I am a burden Everyone else is happier I cannot
fight the pain anymore Irsquom done
True hopelessness has no sense of humor It is scary and
overbearing on each minute of the day It is not somewhat hopefullike when a possibility is unlikely it is devoid of any expectationsfor good now or in the future Abject hopelessness can be fatal
This fact drives the passion behind me and many ministries andservices trying to spread another message what seems like an endis a faccedilade fakery 0ptions are only hidden in the darkness hope isalways present even when we temporarily cannot see it
If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is call
Nothing in this book is to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care
US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis text line- Text ldquoHELLOrdquo to 741-741
For other international hotlines go here
If you are suicidal with a plan immediately call 911 in the US (112 in the
EU) or go to your nearest emergency room
69
The Real
I am a suicide attempt survivor One cannot climb out of that airlesspit without having learned new ways to breathe
Only a few days after leaving the hospital I attended the PartialHospitalization Program (PHP) suggested by my doctors There apotent weapon to use against suicidal thoughts came from anunlikely source
The scene was a small room intended for about fifteen peoplecrowded instead with twenty-five or more who were scrambling forchairs A few chatting voices exposed the general climate ldquoImheaded for rehab I just got back Im going to lose my job if Imiss any more workldquo
Most of us stared silently A single therapist managed to find spaceand called everyone to quiet
At his leading one by one people offered a number between 1-5rating the power of their suicidal thoughts Most chose 2 or 3 A fewof us with higher numbers were challenged to offer specific plansfor staying safe until the next day One man was sent back to thehospital
Then a woman spoke quietly A thought is just a thought I guesswe do not have to act on itldquo
I was stunned Her simple logic sounded profound to a braintangled in disorder and raging mood swings A thought ishellip only athought I tried to sort it out But how I feel now is how I willalways feelhellip
70
it differently but Iwill try to offer aglimpse into thatdark space
Alone in a pitch-black alley youcollapse to theground soundless
Unless you have been there it will be difficult to comprehend thegrueling emotions of a suicidal mindset Each person experiences
groans wrenching from deep within your torso
Thick briers and vipers pervade the trail that led you here Foryears you have navigated treacherous mountains of jagged rocksand falling boulders Your body is broken and bloodied
If you could or wanted to move the only way to continue yourjourney would be to grasp with ripped open hands the barbed wirefence by which you entered the alley place your torn feet on itsspikes and climb
Snarls in the blackness feel warm to your face A feral angry caninesnaps at you brushing your clothes with bared teeth Without fearyou sense it is a friend Its hungry jowls are only waiting for you todecide
As the only visible option outside of returning to the torture of whatcannot change the caninersquos guarantee is welcome hellip
Imagine then in that hopeless place hearing that the snarlingpromise is only a thought
71
The Difference Maker
It is the strangest thing When therapy started in 2011 I feltvulnerable like a toddler I could feel that inner child growing upto 6 10 then teen over the next months and years In my actualmid-fifties I declared my new 20 God gave me a chance toemotionally redo childhood safely this time while he re-parentedme with truth
What I had been so certain I could not live without never came tobe Some of the losses I feared have occurred Joy today comesfrom having rediscovered who our Creator intended me to becomePeace is from healing on the inside and finally having my hopewhere it belongs in the love of Jesus Christ
Pressure made it
nearly impossible
to breathe the
only air - leaking
from a cracked
sewer pipe
Marco was buried alive A wall of dirtand rock crashed over him forcinghis legs into a backward twist andlanding him head downwardPressure on his chest made it nearlyimpossible to breathe the only airavailable leaking from a crackedsewer pipe
The day passed as frantic rescueefforts continued Finally Marco waswhisked away to the nearest hospitalHe had been buried for eleven hours
Resulting physical disabilities make daily life challenging YetMarco has chosen contentment over bitterness Calm andcompassion have replaced old self-centered and impatient ways
72
The foundational extreme conclusion of hopelessness is thatnothing can change It may be true that our circumstances orrelationships will not change as we would like Perhaps it is we whocan change Maybe what we think we need for happiness is worthreconsidering
ldquoForget the former things do not dwell on the pastrdquo God saysldquoSee I am doing a new thing Now it springs up do you notperceive it I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in thewastelandsup1
My biggest leap toward a return to mental health was making awary deliberate decision to learn how to enjoy the life God gave tome Hope begins to appear when we choose to believe for it
The One who sees you
God loves you He cares about you He is not distant too busy ordistracted The LORD is close to the brokenheartedsup2 He whowatches over you will not slumbersup3
Hagar⁴ as an Egyptian slave pregnant and in a contentiousrelationship with the woman she served had run out of optionsShe ran away into the desert where the angel of the Lord met her
He said God was aware of her misery He promised she was havinga son who would be as free as a wild donkey⁴∙⁵ and the father ofmany nations
No doubt she carried deep longing for any future children to be freefrom slavery Reassured of her own future too she said ldquoYou arethe God who sees merdquo
73
As you walk secret trails through unwanted memories of shameand torment and you believe you are a waste of skin there isOne who knows you completely and loves
Overwhelmed in a desert of grief and questions seeing only moreloss in your tomorrows there is One who weeps with you whostands with you in broken-heartedness
He loves the child once so battered by other peoples sins He lovesthe adult in need of rescue from your own sins He sent his Son forboth and offers salvation and healing to each part of you
So when you believe there is no hope for change and everyonewill be better off without you there is One who sees hears knowsand loves
Go ahead ask him to meet you where you are He is the only Onewith the power to guide you through the next minute hour dayand year Reach out to Almighty God your Difference Maker
In your alley of hopelessness alonewhen fear of staying alive swampsyour mind and suicide seems theonly way out there is One who seesyou
Buried alive under mounds ofdespair and emptiness lying in thedark corner of a lifeless roomthere is One who hears your silentscreams and understands what youcannot speak
74
Dear child of God you are not failing him
which can come with depression From fellowship topersonal Bible study to a sense of Godrsquos love it was all missing
Of course at the time I had no idea of a physical cause for thisspiritual struggle It seemed my fault Abject lonelinesshopelessness a sense of worthlessness and guilt were what I knewPain Sorrow Torment Repeat
Occasional one-word whispered prayers lifted from my bed I criedfor what seemed like the absence of God
Then I saw Jesus There he stood in a mental picture a gift fromheaven He did not speak chase suffering away or take me to bewith him Unfelt he was only there with me in the dark I knewChrist Jesus never left
Relearning how to think resolving terrible situations physicalhealing of the brain these take a while God never walks away⁵His promises keep⁶ His love endures forever ⁷
Without a doubt the most significant lossand cause of grief as I struggled with severedepression was the inability to hear Godrsquosvoice I feared he would never speak to meagain that I had gone too far I feltspiritually dead
It was not true How can one be spirituallydead and care about it Typical experiencesaccompanying my Christian faith were outof reach due to cognitive and energy issuesand anxiety
75
1 Empathy2 Impulse Control3 Self-knowing Awareness
and Insight4 Fear Modulation5 Body Regulation6 Intuition7 Morality8 Emotion Regulation
1 Fear Processing2 Initiates the Fight Flight or
Freeze Response3 Emotional Learning4 Form Memories Related to
Intense Emotions Like Fear and Pleasure
5 Involved in Experiencing Anxiety
6 Reward ProcessingFigure 1
F U N C T I O N S
F U N C T I O N S
A few scientific facts (simplified so I can understand them) mayhelp clarify why spiritual vagueness might accompany depressionor anxiety
During an episode with depression the prefrontal cortex of ourbrain wrestles to varying degrees to function as normal Scans haveshown little activity there in a person with severe depressionResults may include impaired concentration confusion increasedimpulsivity mood swings heightened anxiety and a state offatigue
Our amygdala is also on overdrive so we are thrust into fightflight or freeze survival mode We may lose our ability to feelanything good
76
When a delivery is made to a wrong address everything in thepackage exists in full but is unavailable to the rightful owner Inthe same way while we are dealing with depression the advice torest in Godrsquos love know his joy and fill our minds with his peacelands at the wrong doorstep We have faith nevertheless there isno felt connection to him We do not experience God or lovingGod
With input running through this filter we may believe we arespiritual failures I am not good enough for God hersquos tired of meministry is over These thoughts are untrue and not how Godviews his dear children
Scripture shares testimonies of God meeting people at their pointsof need without chiding them Accounts of faith riding outdepression⁸ comfort after sorrow⁹ protection during panicsup1⁰good news calming anxietysup1sup1 and trust during hopelesssituationssup1sup2 are numerous In Elijahrsquos story alone we have abeautiful example of Godrsquos tenderness toward a deeply depressed
prophet who struggled with suicidal thoughtssup1sup3
your thoughts comings and goings motives and emotionssup1⁴ Heknows your complete story
Our Creator understands how the brain works Is God who notices
By restricting mental health challenges tothe realm of the spiritual or to the moralwe disregard the body and mind aspects ofour complete person
Look at your whole self as God does Hesees you and knows your name He knows
77
every sparrow that falls unaware of your confusionsup1⁵ Hispromises to turn all things out for our good and to grow our faiththrough trials do not imply quick work Be patient with yourselfOne day at a time as you are ready God will reveal what he wantsyou to know
If you cannot feel him while severely depressed he has not goneanywhere You are not failing the Difference Maker byexperiencing the painful emotion of hopelessness
God gives us people
Proverbs 1814-16 was written by King Solomon a champion ofseeking wise counsel It reads ldquoThe human spirit can endure insickness but a crushed spirit who can bear The heart of thediscerning acquires knowledge for the ears of the wise seek it outrdquo
Ultimately it is your and my responsibility to save our lives andescape hopelessness Like a child trying to lift a rock twice her sizewe are not using all our available strength if we do not turn to onewho is able to assist
The Difference Maker can lead us to people he has gifted withknowledge and talent to help us with our specific needs
Family and friendsExpectations for support from family and friends might be a let-down Each of us only knows his own despondency and joysup1⁶
Just as we cannot fully understand how others feel or experiencelife loved ones and friends who genuinely care for our wellbeingdo not always know what to say or do when we express hopelessness
78
It is vital we understand this Otherwise in a fragile state we mightmisperceive their unhelpfulness or distance as lack of love
In their great fear of losing you or normalcy or withunsubstantiated guilt for your despair significant others may reactangrily in a controlling fashion or defensively Your calmestfriends might resort to platitudes and examples of when they weredepressed once and got over it quickly
Forgive them Tell them what you need Ask for what you need Letthem make mistakes We cannot mindread and presume to knowtheir motives either
Mental healthcare professionals
Most of us go to a mechanic to havesomeone with skill fix our car We wouldnot stay long if they started knitting newparts There is nothing helpful to gainfrom opinions without experience or
insight either
79
ldquoWalk with the wise and become wiserdquosup1⁷ Professional mentalhealth caretakers are available almost everywhere whether onlineover the phone or in person Licensing means they have receivedthe necessary training for walking people through uniquechallenges that present with mental illness personality and otherdisorders trauma addiction and relationship dynamics
Two terms frequently confused are psychiatrist and psychologistPsychiatrists are medical doctors (MD or DO) Like all medicalspecialists it is their job to assess symptoms and prescribe a course
80
of action Psychiatrists rarely offer psychotherapy (talk therapy)Office visits are usually about 15 minutes They prescribemedication based on revealed symptoms
Psychologists generally are talk therapists with a doctorate inpsychology (PsyDPhD) Sessions with clients typically run 50-60minutes These sessions may vary in style based on any givendoctorrsquos preferred approach Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)has statistically proven more effective for depression and anxietythan other therapy methods
Licensed therapists may practice within specialties such as traumaor addiction Common abbreviations you may have seen includeLMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist LPC (LicensedProfessional Counselor) LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)There are also LPAs (Licensed Psychological Associates) LifeCoach and Peer Support certificates do not include the advancedtraining required for most therapists unless the individual hassought those degrees as well
Christian counselors and pastorspriestsSome believers insist they must see a Christian counselor Thereare of course different perspectives to this
DW leads a ministry for pastors in need of mental health servicesHe said ldquoI would rather people see [a non-believer therapist] whoknows what he is doing than a Christian who does notrdquo
The titles Christian Counselor or Pastoral Counselor are not anautomatic assumption of extensive training Not everyone isequipped to use the Bible effectively for psychiatric or behavioralhealth issues
81
Because a woman advertised herself as a Christian counselor Iwent to see her Within three weeks I realized her version of faithwas the humanistic concept of a christ-within We are our ownsaviors and deity according to her No that is idolatry notauthentic Christian faith which acknowledges One God one Savior
Except for a single time I have sought licensed mental healthprofessionals who follow Jesus A secular psychiatrist was patientwith my faith until I mentioned hearing from God Then shethought I had lost touch with reality
Both the christ-within counselor and the psychiatrist were limitedbecause they could not understand the most important part of howI think Godrsquos Word is my guide honoring God is my highest goaland listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit is imperative
Your story is not over
Her tattoo seemed meaningless Whywould anyone want a semi-colon onher upper arm Years later I wear asemi-colon ring
As a punctuation mark the semi-colonis placed where a sentence could endbut the author decides to continue Forsuicide attempt survivors around theworld it is a symbol of choosing to liveout onersquos story after wanting to closethe book
Semi-colon commodities are shows of solidarity of hope and for
82
some a reminder We are making our stories known so you toowill realize that hopelessness does not define your futureRegardless of what you may feel hear us Your story is not over Itis time for a new chapter
Godrsquos plan for you
is not done
he has
much to show you
I am glad you are
alive God feels
that way about you
too
We found out it is
true our
lives are
not futile
Dear supports
Job (pronounced jobe) lived about 4000 years ago His story ispreserved in the Bible book titled with his namesup1⁸ Jobrsquosprosperity comfort and high standing role as judge and advisorwere unmatched
In one day Job lost about a third of his farm animals thousands ofthem to robbery and the rest about 7000 to fire Most of hisfarm hands were murdered by the robbers and his shepherds diedin the fire Only three men survived to tell Job what hadhappened
While Job reeled from this disastrous news a fourth man ran up
ldquoMasterrdquo the servant said ldquoyour sonrsquos house collapsed underpowerful winds All ten of your children were inside IhellipI am theonly survivorrdquo
Job sunk to the ground in a daze As was befitting such sadness inhis culture he shaved his head tore his clothes and sat in ashes
Soon he developed from head to toe a ldquoburning ulcerationrdquo of hisskin This illness commonly translated in the plural as boils issingular in the original Hebrew language in which it was recordedMost likely black leprosy swollen open sores turned all his skinblack and crusty until it eventually fell off Job scratched at intenseitching with a broken piece of pottery
His bones deteriorated Nightmares invaded his sleep Hestruggled to eat becoming gaunt and weak ldquoJust curse God anddierdquo his wife said in her own grief
83
People who used to look up to him now mocked him Young peopledared spit in his face The disease was contagious and incurable inJobrsquos time so even his servant responded only when Job begged Hewas humiliated and lonely
Stripped of everything three supports still managed to add to hissuffering
Jobrsquos friends came to visit as soon as they heard the news Shockedthey barely recognized him For seven days and nights they offeredthe kind of support we long for when feeling hopeless In silencethey sat nearby his suffering too great for words
Job spoke first Anguish poured from the pit in his belly Hequestioned the value of his life wondering why he had ever beenborn and why God would not let him die now
ldquoWhat I always feared has happened to me I have no rest onlytrouble comesrdquo he said
Immediately one agitated friend accused him of foolish talkdismissing his emotions as irrelevant compared to propriety
Each piled on
84
ldquoYou sound like a blustering windrdquo
ldquoListen God is doubtless punishing yourdquo
ldquoYour children must have sinned against him so their punishmentwas well deserved toordquo
Invalidation and judgment swallowed compassion whole Theycontinued their drivel ldquoWho are you to question Godrsquos wisdomYou need to be quiet and listen to us If you would only admit yoursin life would be happy againrdquo
In a cruel twist these arguments forced the one who was sufferingto defend his pain Instead of helping or comforting his friendsdragged fragile Job across the burning sands of rejectionfrustration and emotional abandonment
Dear supports learn from these men They were sorely wrong andGod said sosup1⁹
Why platitudes do not helpThe Great Physician and Counselor Jesus Christ heals with thethread of his Word He reaches for the darkest wounds in a humansoul and stitches them precisely and accurately one at a timeThere in the recesses the Word of God is counsel and lightsup2⁰
Three least helpful responses to someone feeling depressed orhopeless are anger and demand absence and fake cheeriness orplatitudes
Sharon inherited her childhood home and immediately tore downthe wall her mother used to bang her head against as a child
85
86
How can telling Sharon to forgive her mother take root if shame isall she has known Help her tear down the reminder wall first thenshe can stop staring at it and listen
Edward carries a full water bottle everywhere to subtly remindhimself he is not drowning when flashbacks threaten to send himinto a panic Why would the advice to have more faith encouragehim when he has never felt safe Give him water bottles first Asfear subsides he will hear the glad message
Aiesha carries a list of affirmations to read when her dadrsquosparalyzing voice creeps into her thoughts telling her she isworthless What will she do with promises of an identity in Christwhen she does not know what an identity is Fill Aiesharsquos emptylove tank first then her functioning heart can learn to see thedaughter God saw as he created her
Supports dare not try to rush the healing process by makingsomeone feel small and inadequate at feeling better Let us notdismiss the Difference Makerrsquos tender provision of patience andtiming
He has the wisdom and means to retrain a crippled thoughtprocess and belief system Meticulously and gently he cleans outand sews up layers of hurt and unhelpful thinking at a speed eachof his children can handle
Warning signs of suicide
From NIMHnihgovThe behaviors listed below may be signs that someone is thinkingabout suicide If these warning signs apply to you or someone youknow get help as soon as possible particularly if the behavior is newor has increased recently
Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill themselves Talking about feeling empty hopeless or having no reason to live Planning or looking for a way to kill themselves such as searching
for lethal methods online stockpiling pills or buying a gun Talking about great guilt or shame Showing despair or suicidal themes in original artwork or music Talking about feeling trapped or that there are no solutions Feeling unbearable pain (emotional pain or physical pain) Talking about being a burden to others Using alcohol or drugs more often Acting anxious or agitated Withdrawing from family and friends Changing eating andor sleeping habits Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge Taking great risks that could lead to death Displaying extreme mood swings from very sad to very calm
happy Giving away important possessions Saying goodbye to friends and family Putting affairs in order making a will
If you support a loved one or friend who struggles withhopelessness it is important to access resources andinformation Be prepared to support them well Gohere and here
87
Prayer to the Difference Maker
For the glory of your name
O Lord preserve my life
Because of your faithfulness
bring me out of this distress
Amen
Psalm 14311
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have the energy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeutic Even baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make your own
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that
Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list
Play music
Set the table
Take a shower
Sit with the family
Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today
Go for a walk with a person or your dog
Eat a healthy meal
Attend participate in a support group
Paint a picture or put a puzzle together
Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor
Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Practical Exercise 6 Live a little
89
Next allow hope
Think about your values as a guide Write downwhat is important to you and keep the list whereyou can see it Each day after you have a choicestick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
Lower your stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
For more ideas visit stress management here
90
Consider climbing these next few steps bottom to top in your search for professional help
If you are in crisis now do not wait Call 911 immediately or go toyour nearest emergency room
5 Feel free to switch You are doing
the hiring Find help not more confusion
1 Pray Ask the Difference Maker
to lead you to the right person Keep
praying even after you are in
sessions
4 Interview therapists Be specific
about what you need Ask a support to
do the interviewing for you if you are
not strong enough
3 Get recommendations for
therapists and doctors if possible
from believers of Jesus who have
received professional help Go here for
a reference page
2 Do not use stigma to
determine what method
of treatment will work
for you Listen to those
in-the-know
91
Envy secretly resents those who have what she wants Hence shecannot reflect the image of God who already owns everything Hehas no reason to envy
7Jealousy and Envy
Some thoughts Why canrsquot I have the family he does She has a dream job must be nice Hersquos had all the advantages I want my co-workerrsquos car Itrsquos not fair I want my wife here with me Who are these ldquofriendsrdquo he keeps talking about
Jealousy and Envy are notidentical Envy is the quiet sisterwhose eyes flit back and forthnever satisfied with who she isor what she has Hungry for theelusive she does not rememberher own blessings Her pursuitof happiness in a thing personor achievement focuses only onthe future
Twin sisters Jealousy and Envy are destructive to our
wellbeing They are intrusive obnoxious and interfere with ourpeace We do well to run the other way when we see these siblingscoming
92
The sister Jealousy robs people and atmospheres of joy Forinstance she might mumble ldquomust be nicerdquo if the object of herjealousy tries to share a happy story She complains bitterly
Jealousy acts possessively when someone she claims to loverefuses her control She makes threats and seeks vengeance Oftensuspicious energized by insecurity jealousy is nicknamed agreen-eyed monster for good reason
The Lord said this about himself ldquoDo not worship any othergod for the LORD whose name is Jealous is a jealous Godrdquosup1 Theword jealous in this verse in the original written language refersonly to God There is no resemblance to human jealousy which isseverely flawed
Godrsquos jealousy is holy He is jealous for us (not of us) because wegive our devotion to things that offer no hope He is not in a rivalryover our souls because he has no rival He is not jealous of anothergod because he is the Only True God He simply wants his people
to honor him to stay in the relationship
Unfortunately jealousy in the human form is unproductiveAccording to James ldquoWhere jealousy and selfish ambition existthere will be disorder and every vile practiceldquosup2 King Solomon alsowarned ldquoA heart at peace gives life to the body but envy rots thebonesldquosup3
Run for your life from the sisters
People are lost in the peripheral when we zero in on what theyhave Are we more drawn to the bling in a home or to the personwho invited us there
93
HumilityThe word humble means to dismiss self-reliance and become fully-dependent on God according to the original written language ofthe New Testament
Joe burned with anger so deep he thought it would kill him Hecried out to God for vengeance and relief from the cause of hispain The Holy Spirit nudged him toward humble willingnessFinally Joe prayed ldquoLord change merdquo
Do we hear what someone is saying or plot how to sound smarter
Are we glad for the friend who has what we want or do we sit backin bitterness
Jealousy and Envy isolate us emotionally keeping us too busycomparing to care Unable to give love fully we cannot receive it
either
Humility Willingness and Love are the Difference Makerrsquosbouncers ready to prevent thoughts of jealousy and envy fromovershadowing our joy
Like Joe humility takes responsibilityfor onersquos heart and refrains fromcasting blame everywhere else Joe washappy to discover his anger gonewithin a few days replaced by mercy
Humility gives us that freedom toexamine ourselves unafraid to setdenial aside Self-protection cannot
94
95
compare to Godrsquos great love Once aware of our need for mercy and his forgiveness we can offer it to others
Paul challenged his readers ldquoIn your relationships with oneanother have the same mindset as Christ Jesus Who being invery nature God did not consider equality with God something tobe used to his own advantage rather he made himself nothing bytaking the very nature of a servant being made in human likenessAnd being found in appearance as a man he humbled himself bybecoming obedient to death mdash even death on a crossrdquo⁴
Willingness is slippery It can be emotional and reactionaryreluctant and resigned or surrendered and devoted Willingness isproven by action
A man had two sons He went to the first and said ldquoSon go andwork today in the vineyardrdquo
ldquoI will notrdquo the boy answered Nonetheless he soon changed hismind and obeyed his father
The man went to his second son and requested he go to thevineyard to work This boy answered ldquoI will sirrdquo and never went
Jesus told the above parable⁵ to challenge stuffy holier-than-thoureligious leaders whose claims to know God were at odds with theirunacceptance of Godrsquos Son They were like the boy who said yesand did not follow through
Meanwhile societyrsquos unreligious outcasts were coming to JesusLike the first son they changed their minds and began doing whatthe heavenly Father asks of us
Love is described best in what many call The Love Chapter⁷ in theBible We learn first that love is kind Love celebrates with thosewho are glad and aches alongside people who are in sorrow⁸
We will never find the selfish sisters Jealousy and Envy trulysharing in a personrsquos joy Instead they smile and squeak out tersecongratulations while sincere love stands proud of theaccomplishments and blessings of others unafraid of their success
Neither do the sisters grieve for the sake of anotherrsquos heart Inworst case scenarios jealousy and envy are glad when people whoseem to have better lives suffer
Continuing with the definition of love we see it does not envy orboast it is not proud God said ldquoLet not the wise boast of theirwisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast oftheir riches but let the one who boasts boast about this that theyhave the understanding to know me that I am the LORD who
Thankfully the Difference Maker is working to change us from theinside-out to grow our willingness so we can join him in his goodpurposes⁶
96
exercises kindness justice and righteousness on earth for in theseI delightrdquo⁹
Love is not rude It respectfully honors others instead of focusing onselfish ambition Love always protects so gossip and assumptionsare not part of our conversations
Love is patient not easily angered It is not delighted with thefailings and miseries of people who do wrong so it does not compilebitter records Instead love trusts and hopes
Trust and hope are not the same as denial and duplicity Lovecelebrates all truth even uneasy truth Love perseveres but doesnot enable addiction abuse or other sins Real love is tough
Too often the term love is equated with sex or a temporary high ofdelight ldquoIf you love me yoursquoll sleep with merdquo is manipulative as isldquoif you make me happy I will love yourdquo These sentiments areproud dishonoring self-seeking unkind and unprotective
Love built on what is given to us or how someone makes us feelhas no foundation and teeters on whether we tire of the gifts andhow soon those warm fuzzy feelings wear off The love of God is notdependent on superficial beauty or favors His love never fails
Jesus said ldquoDo not love the world or anything in the world Ifanyone loves the world love for the Father is not in them Foreverything in the worldmdashthe lust of the flesh the lust of theeyes and the pride of lifemdashcomes not from the Father but from theworldrdquosup1⁰
Take those eyes off the world
97
Humility of attitude willingness to act and sincere love do notstare at what only might be
Picture a lawn overrun by weeds1 Humility realizes the lawn is not so beautiful and no bragging
rights are appropriate2 Willingness pulls the weeds3 It is love that kills the weedsrsquo roots and plants fresh seed
When those weeds growing in our thoughts are jealousy and envythe same principle applies
and lift toward heaven in gratitude for what God has so generouslygiven
Paul admitted ldquoAt one time we too were foolish disobedientdeceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures Welived in malice and envy being hated and hating one another Butwhen the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared he savedus not because of righteous things we had done but because of hismercyrdquosup1sup1
We have much for which to be thankful Gratitude is our escapefrom the sisters
The purveyor of love whose verynature is love the Difference Makerfills us with his perfect brand of loveWe lose the need to control or pursuepersons to drag love out of resistantrelationships or to chase after whatwe think might please us next Oureyes turn from what we do not have
98
100
Prayer to theDifference Maker
Thank You Jesus because you
died for everyone so that we
who receive your new life will
no longer live for ourselves I
want to be one who lives for
You Christ Jesus because You
died and were raised for me
Based on 2 Corinthians 15
100
Example Thought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social event learnto be a good friend Reach out to her in kindness
Do something of value to earn respect speak kindwords to and about him work on honest ways toimprove your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thank Godthose people are comfortable and not hungry orcold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to go outwith your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
Practical Exercise 7 Act Opposite
To keep jealousy and envy from overtaking your relationship withGod and thought life act opposite of how you feel Disappointmenttriggers jealous and envious thoughts What step can you take in theopposite direction
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Next do the amazing
What if you did something so shocking itamazes even you What if you went socounter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things
If you will do it this challenge will shake your world and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it more orto a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarranted criticismit is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of running woulda-if-onlyon a loop how about making the situation into a game
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
These ideas are radical Will you try
101
8Destructive Blame
Some thoughts My childhood was dysfunctional so I cannot succeed If it werent for so-n-
so I would be happy right now You make the decisions-it is your fault if I do not like them People make me lose my temper I will not trust God because church-goers
are hypocrites
Some thoughts My neighborrsquos dog bit me itrsquos my fault for
leaving the house My marriage might have worked if Irsquod done everything better My boss threw a clipboard
because I am a disappointment I should have been a better child and I would
not have been abused
Now we have met the sisters let me introduce the Destructive
brothers Blame and his other brother Blame These two arefishermen with strange styles
Blame 1 is a confused fishermanwho seems to miss the pointCasting generous portions ofblame in every direction it doesnot matter to him where itlands He does not fish with ahook It is not his intention tocatch anything that might endup back in his boat
102
Blame 1 had a difficult past and it is fair to empathize with thatHowever he will not review options He refuses to accept his powerto change His style of fishing is best described as cast cast andcast
Blame 2 is quirkier still He owns a boat but it is so full of catchesthat it will no longer float So he swims grabs what he can anddrags it back to shore
Trouble is he does not catch healthy fish but rather the blame hisbrother is doling out Blame 2 collects it stores it and never castsany of it away His style of fishing is collect whatever floats
Blame 2 has also had a tough life It is appropriate to care about hispains However like his brother Blame 1 he is not very open tochange
While toxic shame does not let go of mistakes destructive blame isabout shifting responsibility
Casting Blame
Casting blame transfers responsibility anywhere except on personalpoor choices This is frequently blatantly obvious
A man questioned a tax consultant about concerns related to his2020 stimulus check from the government He had left his first wifeand children and started a new family Where was his secondcheck ldquoDoesnrsquot the President know I have another family to careforrdquo
The tax consultantrsquos reply was crisp ldquoYou alone are responsiblehelliprdquo
103
Tam came to town for a funeral and claimed to be low on cash Wewere strangers and seeing her plight I invited her stay in myhome for two to three days One week later with a days-longheadache and nerves already jumping over the edge I dropped heroff at the airport
Decades ago she had moved several states away from her familyOn her first visit in years she screamed obscenities at them overher phone for hours a day This was only a few feet from my homeoffice hence the headache She spread lies among her relatives tome to a mutual friend and to my pastor
What I heard was her avoiding responsibility Casting blame feelsgood in the moment because it instantly relieves shame andaccountability It is not sustainable
Casting blame
is an efficient
means of
skipping
guard duty
over onersquos
wellbeing
One reason casting blame is depressive isthat the blamer must work harder andharder at rationalizing or denyingpersonal mistakes and wrongdoingsDepression perhaps is no surprise when apattern of bold-face lying becomes tooheavy a load
Blame conveniently pushes the burden ofchange elsewhere A blamer can rest inthe familiarity of pain although it is theirchief complaint In this way castingblame is an efficient means of skippingguard duty over onersquos wellbeing
104
ldquoFools make fun of guilthelliprdquo King Solomon wrotesup1 John explains
ldquoIf we claim we have no sin we are only fooling ourselvesrdquosup2
Waiting for the world to adjust to our wishes shields us fromseeing flaws in our attitude and behavior This is what blame doesform a blinder around our minds until we are barely free tounderstand the truth
Like Blame 1 cannot leave his boat casting blame keeps us stuck
Blaming GodHigh School senior Jarrad sees himself as a class clownconsistently and excessively talking throughout his classes both in-person and online until everyone is laughing His online teachers
try muting him and he resorts to physical antics
With his screen darkened toother students Jarrad texts themduring class Finally theprincipal steps in with a warningstop it or earn suspension
Jarradrsquos behavior does notimprove One month later hereturns to class with moredisruptive hilarity often at theexpense of teachers
His parents are aware and havedealt with their son However they work all day and Jarrad shrugsoff their discipline Expulsion is the last resort What other optionsremain for the school
105
Jarradrsquos refusal to change his rebellious ways eventually bringsabout his separation from those who try to help The schoolsystem teachers principal and Jarradrsquos parents have notabandoned him While leaders give him multiple opportunities tomaintain his education Jarrad will not have it
God does not throw us away either We have the power to detachfrom him and his influence at great personal cost Our insistence onrebellion weakens the relationship and eventually separates usfrom him Our sins hide his face so that he will not hearsup3
All too often ldquoa personrsquos own foolishness leads to their ruin yettheir heart rages against the Lordrdquo said Solomon⁴ Blaming Godfor difficulties resulting from our poor decisions is futile⁵ Ourungodly desires (thoughts) entice and drag us into sinful acts If weallow sin to blossom and grow large in our life it gives birth todeath⁶ Relationships occupations reputations opportunities andlives are at risk
God disciplines us for our good⁷ Like a child who learned in theprincipalrsquos office not to throw an eraser at her teacher a secondtime (excuse me while I clear my throat) if it takes hardship to getour attention he will allow it This kind of pain is a blessingbecause in his patience he never stops calling us or loving us backto life Solomon wrote ldquoDo not be upset when he corrects you Forthe LORD corrects those he lovesrdquo⁸
Our choices affect other peopleJarradrsquos regular interruptions slow classes down affect theauthority of teachers and frustrate serious students His expulsionis in part for the sake of everyone elsersquos education
106
Godrsquos hand of discipline on our heads may be for the protectionand blessing of other people too Rebellion hurts our parentsrsquofeelings⁹ Acts of foolishness harm societysup1⁰
The commandments to not commit adultery murder steal andthe restsup1sup1 are summed up in ldquoLove your neighbor as yourselfrdquosup1sup2
Love does no harmsup1sup3
Our choices affect our blessingsIf I pray for you to be blessed I am asking God to show you hisdivine favor Blessed is often equated with happiness contentmentor joy
Jarrad is missing out on a good education that we all know wouldgrant him more options in the future In a similar way we take apass on the greatest blessings from heaven by choosing to focus ontemporary feel-good moments Selfishness never fulfills us
The Bible says ldquoBlessed are thosehelliprdquo bull who are poor in spirit (devoid of spiritual arrogance)bull who grievebull who are gentlebull who hunger and thirst for integrity purity and rightness of
thinkingbull who are mercifulbull who are the peacemakersbull who are persecuted for righteousness sakesup1⁴bull who are kind to the poorsup1⁵bull who are not offended by Jesussup1⁶bull whose disobedience is forgivenbull whose lives are lived in complete honestysup1⁷bull whose hope is in the Lord their Godsup1⁸
107
Our choices affect spiritual productivity and growthJesus compared himself to a grapevine God the Father to agardener and us to branches God prunes that is trims backspiritually healthy branches so they will produce even morespiritually healthy fruitsup1⁹
Sometimes this process stings although there is no fear ofcondemnationsup2⁰ God is developing in us in increasing measurehis loving practicessup2sup1
Like a tree or grapevine what we produce will prove our natureWe know Jarrad is not exemplifying personal honor or concern forothers If he allows God to change his thinking he will still struggleto win back peoplersquos trust and supportsup2sup2
Goodness
Trutha tree of life
saving lives
Patience
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Testimony
Spiritually healthy fruitsup2sup3
108
Our choices affect our eternal reward
The Olympics were a big deal in ancient Greece where they firstorganized the competition Winners received crowns made fromplants Of course these shriveled up quickly
Paul spoke of a crown that will notwither Comparing the games and victorycrowns to a spiritual race he said ldquoTheydo it to win a prize that will fade awaybut we do it for an eternal prizerdquosup2⁴
The crown of life is the reward that Godhas promised to those who love himsup2⁵Paul says ldquoI press on to reach the end
of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God throughChrist Jesus is calling usrdquosup2⁶
Bearing in mind all the self-destructive choices we make why dowe blame the Difference Maker when life does not meet ourexpectations
Collecting misdirected blame
Straight up let us admit that innumerable circumstances andconsequences causing our suffering are the fault of others Thisincludes terrible acts people commit against us and how we feelemotionally or physically at that moment
We develop false guilt by accepting accountability for events out ofour control Once an adult what we choose to take in is up to usWe are not helpless
109
A tyrannical boss catches every one of his personal assistantrsquosmistakes and invents a few too He enjoys verbally abusing Mari byberating and mocking her in front of other employees He does nothave to accept responsibility for his decisions gone wrong becauseof his convenient scape goat
Facing this each day creates an atmosphere in which Mari begins toquestion herself Maybe I am clumsy and nit-witted I did notremember to fetch the folder he demanded I misspelled a clientrsquosname
Often misdirected blame is dotted with just enough truth to makeit difficult to weed out
Mari did make a mistake TrueShe has made more than one mistake TrueShe is accused of other mistakes TrueShe is responsible for anything beyond her actual mistakes FalseShe blames herself for her bossrsquos discomfort This is false guilt
AbuseAbuse is taking advantage of someone who is physicallyemotionally psychologically intellectually or in some way unableto stop the abuse In Marirsquos case at first she is unable to stop theverbal abuse because she would lose her job
A woman like Mari who is beginning to believe she is worthy ofharsh reprimand needs some psychological support to recognizethe manipulative lies of her boss She is too full of self-doubt tomeaningfully stand up for herself
Every form of abuse is about power and control Abusers blame lie
110
111
and manipulate to gain and maintain control over their target Asconsummate actors their public appearance is misleading Ifcaught or accused they know how to cry or they cry because theyare not getting their way In religious settings they know thelanguage of the faith and will use it to sound repentant Apologiesare unspecific unless they parrot the accuser
HumiliationPutting down your partner Calling your partner names Constant criticisms Making your partner feel like they are crazy or guilty Humiliating your partner in front of people Embarrassing your partner
Power and
Control
IntimidationYelling or screaming Using a threatening tone Talking down Threatening to hurt yourself or your partner Making your partner feel afraid Tearing up pictures Smashing gifts Destroying objects Slamming doors Throwing things
Treating your partner like a baby
property or servant Making all of the decisions
Having expectations that no one can meet Controlling who
your partner sees or spends time with Setting all the rules in the
relationship
Domination ThreatsSaying you cannotlive with your partner Telling your partner you will leave them somewhere if they do not do what you say Constantly threatening to find someone else Saying yoursquoll commit suicide of you break up
Sexual Abuse
Bragging about your sexual relationship
Making comparisons Flirting to make your partner
jealous Using drugsalcohol to get sex Pressuring your partner
Using emotional abuse to coerce sex Rape
Physical AbuseHolding your partner so they cannot
leave Slamming them intosomething Hiding your partnerrsquos
bruises Grabbing Slapping Hitting Shoving Punching
Kicking Poisoning Drugging
Minimization and Blame
Possessiveness Using jealousy as a sign
of love Accusing your partner of cheating on you Not letting your partner have other friends
Telling your partner how to think dress and act
Not accepting responsibility for your actions Making a
joke when you hurt your partner Telling or showing
your partner everything is their fault Acting like
abuse is ok in the relationship
Every form of
abuse is about
power and
controlhellip Abusers
make their
decision to abuse
Period
In this secret climate misdirected blame is part of the abuse Thespoken or unspoken threat is that the target will look like a liar ifthe truth comes out
Sadly it happens This is one of many complicated reasons targetsmay not leave their abusers soon or at all
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation go to thislist to find help
Make true and empowering statements
Create personal statements Examples
A I cannot control what other people choose to say or do It is notmy job to fix every circumstance
112
Abuse is always yes always thefault full responsibility and sin ofthe abuser
Gross misrepresentations of anabuse victimrsquos role are spoken inignorance He should have foughtback She wasnrsquot dressed rightHe pushed her buttons She wasnagging him He should have metcurfew She shouldnrsquot havemouthed off
Abusers make their decision toabuse Period
B I refuse to carry blame for the crime committed against me ormy family Only the criminal did wrong I did what I was capable ofdoing in the moment which is the best anyone can do in anysituation
C I will not take on the burden of guilt for my friendrsquos addiction Icannot save or fix her No one can She is responsible for seekinghelp and not just begging me for money or a place to stay
D I do not accept the abusers lies that I brought on the abuse Iwill not hate the child or victim-adult I once was for allowing whatI had no power to stop
Whether casting blame or collecting misdirected blame the optionto reach out for fresh perspective and guidance from the DifferenceMaker is always available
The brothers Blame never consider this
And a-fishinrsquo they go
113
Proverbs 205
Prayer to the Difference Maker
The purposes of a personrsquos heart
are deep waters
but one who has insight
draws them out
Please Lord I need your insight
to draw out my motives and
the deep injuries of my soul
so I can understand and change
Based on Proverbs 205
Practical Exercise 8 Find harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time to
study their companion and without criticism show appreciation forthe good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God for whatyou have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blame payattention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize everyone including yourself hasmade mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive as much asGod has forgiven you
This Or This
115
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stoppinganother person (we have no controlover them) Boundaries are about whatwe allow into our circle
Do the following exercise then createyour own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo
4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leave responsibilityfor his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for the consequences oflosing them
What about a situation in your life
Next draw a circle around yourself
116
9Perceived
Dependency Some thoughts If no one pushes me I cannot succeed He says he loves me after he hits me and I cannot be without
him This has been a tough day already I need a drink Irsquoll feel happy only if this job interview goes my way His
approval keeps me going Shersquoll leave if I do not stay sick
Dear Creeper
You are my perceived dependency You have toyed withme since I was young I played the game of hide andseek innocently believing you and the powerful forcesthat drove me to you were normal and right I did notunderstand you are a creeper
Your presence seemed a kind gift an experience forwhich I was grateful Slow and sure you built a templefor yourself in my brain
One day I witnessed the ruin of another of yourconfused devotees and began to fear you Confidencegrew in my power to go on alone Nonetheless yourcajoling stirred memories of when we first met andsoon your promises of the hour defeated caution
I
cared
only
for
how
you
made
me
feel
117
Your lies were soft and comfortable Eventually I believedeverything you offered for my protection No one could persuademe you were not my best friend
Remember how I used to panic when you were not in sightVigorous denial kept me from seeing what was happening I caredonly for how you made me feel
Oh but I see you now my enemy Perceived Dependency youhave never been a friend Joining hands with you in my destructionwas a game of Russian Roulette with unpredictable consequences
So-called dependency was but another deception I could have beenfree To be honest until now you have been my choice I amchanging my mind
You see there is someone real taking your place He is theDifference Maker the Highest Power who is always for me andnever against me
I could say itrsquos not you itrsquos me but this breakndashup is all aboutrunning away from you and into the arms of God
Goodbye from Not-Your-Victim
Co-dependent
Eating Disordered
Money-hungry
Etcetera
Defeatist
118
Stone and wood statues all over the world are praised and offeredgifts to appease whatever god they represent That is literal idolworship Jesus expanded the concept to include anything thatstands between us and full devotion to the One True God An idolthen is anything or anyone we think we cannot live without otherthan God
Perceived dependencies are our masters Not only are they a typeof idol but they are also futile No person can meet all our needsNo substance satisfies for long Compulsions heap unhappyconsequences on an already stressful life Obsessions overrulegood judgment Yet we obey them when they call
Perceived dependency unloads barrels of disappointment on thehuman spirit We create mental scenarios of rescue and if onlydelusions Who will make me happy What will bring relief Weare completely at the mercy of our perceived dependencies unlesswe take our power back
A perceived dependency is theact of giving our power freely toan outside force that once givensuch authority becomes ourmaster source motivation andexcuse
Nothing is easy about aperceived dependency NothingDay to day life is complicated bymaneuvers around the belief thatwhat we need most is missing
Our masters
119
Evie lives in denial As a heroin addict her behaviors are morepredictable than she is aware She is a sweet daughter and lovingmother when sober When she is using everyone runs for coverHer language is vile and abusive She tries to manipulate herdaughter for money
Only one year ago Evie graduated from long-term residentialtreatment She held down a job and visited with her youngchildren She did not separate herself from old companions andsadly relapse came as no surprise to her hopeful and wary familyEvie sacrifices for her obsession all that makes life worth livingcausing great pain in her wake
Evie and Tony
Tonyrsquos longing for love and overwhelming fear of rejection haswelded his self-made cage shut He leans heavily on his wife toreassure him with constant agreement Opposing opinionsthreaten his sense of security so he never asks for her realthoughts
His perceived dependency is the submission of his wife and otherswhile he takes no emotional risks It is clear in this scenario Tonysold his personal power at the cost of true love His wife is captivealso if she plays by his rules
The sad chaos of Eviersquos and Tonyrsquos lives is whythe words of the prophet Isaiah make senseHe said we feed on ashes by looking to an idolto meet our needs A deluded heart misleadsus To our detriment we fail to question ldquoIsnot this thing in my right hand a lierdquosup1
120
Then there is Rhona
Lifting her head from the toilet and sinking to the all too familiarfloor Rhona knew her eating disorder owned her and could endher life She was desperate for freedom
Someone introduced her to a 12-step program of recoveryThough a meeting was an hour away Rhona determinedly andfaithfully traveled to join-in Older members supported herthrough tears and triumph Eventually she had her life back
She does not consider herself free to eat whatever she wantsInstead she is free to choose carefully what will keep her healthyNo longer do certain foods send her spiraling because she avoidsthem completely She will carry safe foods with her to familygatherings and other events
Rhona is not a compulsive dieter her choices are a matter of lifeand death Thirty years later after entering recovery she stillattends meetings
Dr Rhona Epstein became one of the very few experts in foodaddiction and serves as a psychologist helping as many as she canHer book Food Triggers is beneficial to any one of us whostruggle with compulsive behaviors around food
Any willingness to be open to a spiritual
solution is a start -Dr Epstein
121
My son finally convinced me to watchthe Marvel series All of it I havelearned that imaginary superheroesstruggle to learn how and when to usetheir power
Decision-making is not so simple for useither Opting to break away from aperceived dependency is not asstraightforward as Captain Americatossing his shield at a villain andknocking him flat
Yes God has graciously created us with the remarkable power ofchoice Why do we so often risk its loss
It is doable Remember intent does not mean instant success Thefirst step each day is the main one
Have you survived difficult challenges If yes why not againHave other people recovered Why not you
Superpower
Each of us is gifted with a superpower Do the following fivequotes by Jesus reveal it to you
ldquoIf you wanthelliprdquo sup1∙⁵ldquoAnyone who chooseshelliprdquo sup2 ldquohellipif you do not believehelliprdquo sup3ldquoIf you hold to my teachinghelliprdquo ⁴ldquohellipyou were not willingrdquo⁵
122
Relapse
The difference between Evie Tony and Rhona is that Rhonalearned to wield her power of choice in her favor Ask anyone withbroken chains freedom requires complete honesty support andconnection to strength greater than ours
Some say relapse is inevitable No but it is common We return toold destructive habits when we have not permanently structuredour goals around something more meaningful I relapsed with myeating disorder with a long list of excuses My health coachreminds me to see recovery as an investment in what I want toachieve
Ultimately it is finding and living in purpose that brings joy Withwhat will we fill your lives so our obsessions no longer have roomin our heads
Surrender
I mentioned to a woman with a secular belief system that it is aprivilege to be used by God Her negative reaction makes sensebecause my word choice ldquoused byrdquo was skewed
It is fairer to say I am one of Godrsquos volunteers among many Noneof us have had our will removed By faith and experience we knowhis ways are best The more we grasp that the more we want to dofor him Herersquos the clincher we love him because he loves us Yesit is a privilege and source of joy when the Difference Maker worksthrough us to help others in some way
Surrender comes with the understanding that God has more than
123
single personrsquos best interests in mind In that regard he asks usto extend his mercy love and truth when we might rather sit athome in comfort
Should we say yes we will find he is working everything out forour good too In his will (as discussed in chapter 2) weexperience deep satisfaction As always the Difference Makerrsquosapproach is more profound and effective than the worldrsquos wisestphilosophies⁵∙⁵
The complete Serenity Prayer famous for the shortened versionused in 12-step groups points to such surrender
God grant me the SerenityTo accept the things I cannot changeCourage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the differenceLiving one day at a time
Enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardship
As the pathway to peaceTaking as He did
This sinful world as it is Not as I would have itTrusting that He will Make all things right
If I surrender to His willThat I may be
Reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him
In the next Amen
124
125
But God
Accounts throughout the Bible of Gods interactions with humansprove he is the Highest Power At the end of their resourcespeople saw God change everything
The entire earth flooded But God remembered Noah ⁶
Jacobrsquos boss cheated him ldquoBut God has seen your abuserdquo ⁷
Josephrsquos brothers sold him ldquohellipbut God intended it for goodrdquo ⁸
King Saul hunted him down hellipbut God [helped him escape]⁹
People tried to kill Paul But God has protected me sup1⁰
Epaphroditus was ill and almost died But God had mercy onhimsup1sup1
Jesus was nailed to a cross But God raised him from the dead sup1sup2
We are lost for eternity But God demonstrates his own lovehellipsup1sup3
Apostles hadhellip fears within ldquoBut Godhellip comforted usrdquosup1⁴
Helplessness is not always a fact it is a belief Through JeremiahGod said ldquoIf you wanted to return to me you could You couldthrow away your detestable idols andstray away no morerdquosup1⁵ He knowshow much power is available to us ifwe will ask
126
Surrender to the will of God is ultimately the cure to compulsiveaddictive behaviors That does not mean it is easy nor does itguarantee no relapses Jesus said ldquoIt is not the healthy who needa doctor but the sickldquosup1⁶ He is our healer perhaps we do well tofollow his prescription
Let us remember together whatever condition we are in howeverdeeply we are stuck in perceived dependency we do not actuallyneed the person activity substance or compulsion we are focusedon to survive or thrive Our dependence is but a perception Wecan depend on and trust the Highest Power
Whom have I in heaven but youAnd earth has nothing I desire besides you
My flesh and my heart may failbut God is the strength of my heart
and my portion foreversup1⁷
ldquoBut Godhelliprdquo
Recommended
The Life Recovery Bible is special It is the Holy Bible in its entirety with sidebars relating specific scriptures to
recovery These address emotional issues trauma support and much more In addition the Life Recovery
Journal takes the reader through the 12-step process
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Please keep me from deliberate
sins Donrsquot let them control me
Then I will be free of guilt and
innocent of great sin
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you O LORD my
Rock and my Redeemer
Psalm 1913-14
128
128
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsessionTake this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a
dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
Practical Exercise 9 Now What
Spell it out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write outall it has stolen and what freedom will bring This is about you notcasting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praise andgratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is to a realGod who will not only see what you write but who knows your heart
Write a letter (or letters) to yourperceived dependency Do not mail it ifit is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Rome isdirectly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them I highlyurge you to take it in
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
129
Next find a strong
support system
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over time whois healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability to hold yourconfidences Watch them with other people Choose friends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who have seen yourstruggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
130
10Fear
Fear leads to depressive thinking when we give it authority Fear
develops under a threat real or perceived to our wellbeing or thewellbeing of another person
As a mere emotion fear is not a sign of weak character nor does itsignal failure of faith The bravest people are those who feel fearand face it even in small ways Courage is measured by genuineeffort not success or the size of payout Baby steps toward facing
or overcoming any fear are indeed applaudable steps
Some thoughts I promised to attend the meeting but since Irsquoll make a fool of myself Irsquom not going There is no way to know if I can stay safe I do not like people different from me Things are going to get worse Irsquom sure he hates me
131
Not every courageous person looks like one
Examples of couragebull Elderly people venturing out despite impatient drivers and
ridiculous younger people talking down to thembull Children returning to the same school each day where they are
taunted or bulliedbull Families of faith around the world persecuted by authoritiesbull People in suicidal despair reconnecting with living
bull Those living with disabilitybull Those going to work with anxiety migraines fatiguehellipbull Women who leave abusive homes and often face judgmentbull The caretaker of elderly parentsAnd the inspirational list goes onhellip
Facing fear is a choice that mimics the life of our Saviorsup1 Heloved (far) beyond his comfort zone The author of Hebrewswrote rdquoConsider him who endured such opposition from sinnersso that you will not grow weary and lose heartrdquosup2
132
God chooses unlikely heroes
Abigail⁵ was beautiful and intelligent Marriedwhether by choice or arrangement we do not knowher role was to manage her wealthy household withits many servants and obligations serve herhusband Nabal and presumably have his children
Nabal wise in his own eyes and not in many otherswell lived up to his name which meant fool Filledwith greed his harsh demeanor in business and athome proved his self-centeredness No doubt heenjoyed his meanness and the fear of those aroundhim
He
adds
ldquoI am
with
yourdquo
and
stays
God does not whip out a chill ldquodonrsquot be afraidrdquo anddisappearsup3 He adds ldquoI am with yourdquo⁴ and staysBrave people learn from their less-than-bravemistakes (we have all done them) With him at ourside we move forward following the DifferenceMakerrsquos plan for overcoming fear
In those days (about 1100 BC) sheep and goats were money andoften stolen Soon to be king warrior David was on the run fromhis insanely jealous father-in-law King Saul David and his armyof six-hundred men earned what they needed to survive byprotecting the livestock of various towns and farms
It was customary and expected for wealthy landowners to offerprovisions to such protectors Nonetheless when David sent themessage to Nabal ldquoPlease give your servants whatever you canfind for themrdquo only insults were returned
David was ready to end such insolence and with 400 armed menheaded for Nabalrsquos home to kill him and all the males who livedthere
A shepherd ran to Abigail to report this He said ldquoNabal is such awicked man that no one can talk to him Please do what you canrdquo
133
Abigail quickly loaded donkeyswith meat bread wine grainraisins and pressed figs Servantsdelivered them to David
Going against her churlishhusbandrsquos wishes certainly wouldhave brought down his wrath hadshe been caught She risked her
life by confronting angry warriors intent on revenge
David responded to her pleas for mercy thanking her He saidldquoPraise be to the LORD the God of Israel who has sent you today
134
to meet me May you be blessed for your good judgment and forkeeping me from bloodshed this dayrdquo
As an unlikely hero Abigail saved an unknown number of livesThe brave shepherd who informed her shared in the heroism Thenext day when she told Nabal of the drama his heart failed himand he died
God specializes in choosing unlikely people for courageous deedsA few examples among many include an orphan girl-turned queenwho saved her nation (Book of Esther) a child who spoke hardtruth to power (1 Samuel 3) a young slave girl who approached aprincess (Exodus 21-10) and uneducated fishermen who broughtthe gospel to the world though they lost their lives over it(Matthew 418-22)
Despite initial misgivings these people had to decide what kind ofperson they wanted to be One way to face our fears is to answerthe same question
Consider the life and mission of each of the following people Howdo you think they answered the question What kind of person do Iwant to be
Will I risk everything Hee Jinrsquos Grandmother in North KoreaWill I choose life Nick VujicicWill I hold out Irena SendlerWill I let go Elisabeth ElliotWho do I want to face in the mirror tomorrow Dobri DobrevHow will I respond to my greatest regret Victoria RobinsonWill my legacy point to life Jason ReidWill my example set a helpful precedent Marie Meggs
135
Will I believe what I cannot yet see Jo Ann RobinsonWill I keep my eyes on things of Heaven instead of on things ofearth Jessie TendayiWill I come back to God and ask for help when I fail miserablyJim Wahlberg
ldquoWe are having a physical experience in a spiritual worldrdquo ndash Author unknown
Satan distorts and disrupts the truth in attempts to steer us fromGod Human experience is a catalyst for such trickery becausewhat we see and feel seems more real than an invisible God Is heinconceivable though
His power is evidenced in nature⁶ His love has redeemedcountless lives Millions testify to his personal presence We seeGodrsquos promises always come to pass whether spoken throughprophets or other scriptures⁷ We witness his sovereigntythroughout history
Stout faith lets go of control and chooses to obey the proven Godwho shows himself real only to those with the spiritual eyes tosee⁸ In his wisdom he made it impossible for science or
The Difference Maker offers safety in his shelter
philosophy to prove his existence to closedminds⁹ Although faith is not blind it is notsight eithersup1⁰ Faith is the evidence of whatwe do not seesup1sup1
Godrsquos shelter unlike an umbrella or a treenever fails
Towers in fortressed cities ofbiblical times provided safetywhen enemies attacked In ourspiritual battles Godrsquos shelter isthe hiding place
The key is to stay there Psalm 91says to live in his shelter - spendour time there Then he hides usin his shadow as if we were in atower of refuge
This Psalm also tells us what wedo not have to fear
1 Satanrsquos bait setting plot trap (The fowlerrsquos snare)
2 Pandemic disease (Deadly pestilence)3 Dread and the object of dread (Terror of night)4 Seemingly random attacks or dangers coming from
all around deeply personal attacks (Arrows fly by day)5 Disease pandemic that walks about in trouble and in
spiritual unreceptiveness (Pestilence stalking in the dark)6 Destruction coming from violence and devastation in
the middle of the day or in the bright of happiness(Plague that destroys at midday)
7 Wicked people (Lion)8 The Devil (Serpent)
In distress of any kind he rescues us or arms us for the battleWhat is left to fear If God is for us who can be against ussup1sup2
136
We still want to hide from time to time Aloneness is notintrinsically unhealthy Jesus taught But when you prayhellipshutthe door behind youhellipsup1sup3
It is the fear that locks us in that paralyzes the life we wantRemember the Difference Maker sets us up with everything weneed for faith courage and victory In all circumstances we candeclare as King Solomon did ldquoThe name of the LORD is a fortifiedtower the righteous run to it and are saferdquosup1⁴
ldquoFinally be strong in the Lord and in hismighty power Put on the full armor ofGodhelliprdquosup1⁵
Paul used a symbolic reference thepeople of his day would haveunderstood the armor of a Romansoldier Comparing physical war tospiritual ones he first describes whywearing Godrsquos armor is necessary
One our struggle is not against peoplebut against the devil and his spiritualforces of evil Two when we are harassedfor our faith we will resist and standsup1⁶
Wearing Godrsquos armor is a decision wemake each day in faith bearing in mindthe vital meaning of each piece
The Difference Maker offers safety in his armor
137
The Belt of Truth ldquoStand firm then with the beltof truth buckled around your waistrdquo The belt of aRoman soldierrsquos armor was more like a girdle andheld up the breastplate
What is truth Jesus said ldquoIf you hold to myteaching you are really my disciples Then you willknow the truth and the truth will set you freerdquosup1⁷Absolute truth does not change and awareness of itprotects us from lies that cause fear
The Breastplate of Righteousness ldquohellipwith thebreastplate of righteousness in placerdquo The Romansoldierrsquos breastplate held in place only once it wasupheld by the belt
What is righteousness Thinking and acting inways that honor God based on his instructionsthese are righteousness However no human effortalone measures up to Godrsquos holiness
Truth upholds our righteousness as it grows in alife with Christ His righteousness leads our wayinto Godrsquos favor There is no fear of punishment ifour faith is sincerely in the Saviorsup1⁸
Feet Fitted with Readiness ldquohellipand with yourfeet fitted with the readiness that comes from thegospel of peacerdquo Spikes covered the bottom ofRoman soldiersrsquo footwear for climbing over roughterrain and for digging into the earth keepingthem steadfast in hand-to-hand combat
138
What is the gospel of peace and how does it make us ready Thegospel is the good news of Jesus the Messiahsup1⁹ While we arealive there is work to finish Readiness to carry this gospel toothers is part of our victory over fear sup2⁰
Shield of Faith ldquoIn addition to all this take upthe shield of faith with which you can extinguishall the flaming arrows of the evil onerdquo A Romansoldier carried a large oblong four-corneredshield covering much of his body
What is faith It is more than believing in GodEven demons believe in God and shuddersup2sup1Faith is pure trust and confidence that Godmeans what he sayssup2sup2
Jesus said faith is like a tiny mustard seed whichbecomes the largest tree in the gardensup2sup3Pastors teachers the Holy Spirit and personalstudy water and feed the seed Nurturing ourfaith is our responsibility that in time surpassesfear
Helmet of Salvation ldquoTake the helmet ofsalvationrdquo Roman soldiers wore a unique helmetprotecting the top and sides of their head Somehelmets also protected the back of the neck
What is salvation Not only is it rescue from awasted life in the present and an erasure ofeternal damnation but the helmet is also theanticipation of the day we are ushered into
139
heavensup2⁴ Keeping our eyes on the reward this helmet protects
us from turning from the faith due to discouragement doubtand fear
a spectacular display of arrogance and deception The battle ofwords was close-up personal and relentless Each time the devilused his wiles the Son of God expertly wielded his swordsup2⁵
In the heat of temptation aimed straight at our weakest pointsskill at using Godrsquos Word boosts our triumph over fear sup2⁶
Prayer ldquoAnd pray in the Spirit on alloccasions with all kinds of prayers and requestsrdquoRoman soldiers needed supplies stamina andfood and water
What is prayer Jesus gave an examplesup2⁷ thatgoes something like this ldquoOur Father in heavenlet your name be treated with reverence Let your
Sword of the Spirit ldquohellipand the sword of theSpirit which is the word of Godrdquo Roman soldierspossessed three sharp weapons a dagger-sized shortsword a spear and a long sword Paul used the shortsword for his comparison to the Word of God
Why a small weapon Satan tempted Jesus in
kingdom come let your will be done on earth as it is in heavenGive us this day our bread for tomorrow and forgive us ourdebts as we also have forgiven our debtors Lead us not intotemptation but deliver us from the evil one for yours is thekingdom and the power and the glory forever Amenrdquo
140
This prayer acknowledges God makes various requests yields to his will and in faith believes all is possible because he is God
and wear his armor daily we will stand with the brave who say Itis scary out there and the Difference Maker goes with me
Godrsquos armor is not intended as a shell to crawlinside Neither is his shelter a place to isolatefrom the world
Fear is fed by our focus When the daycomes that we learn to rest in Godrsquos shelter
141
Prayer to the Difference Maker
When I am hard pressed I cry
to you Lord You bring me into
a spacious place You Lord are
with me I will not be afraid
Based on Psalm 1185-6
143
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in yourpocket Feel it when anxieties and otherpressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
Practical Exercise 10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions andimpulsive thoughts or prevents them fromrising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can behelpful to avoid anxiety attacks or panic orto use during anxiety and panic attacks
143
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing reminders thathe is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics will inspireyou God Will Make a Way
By a roadway in the wilderness Hell lead meAnd rivers in the desert will I seeHeaven and Earth will fade But His word will still remainAnd He will do something new todayGod will make a wayWhere there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot seeHe will make a way for meHe will be my guideHold me closely to His sideWith love and strength for each new dayHe will make a way He will make a way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in apublic place with little opportunity to walk awaypractice sign language or write the names of peopleyou care about in the air discreetly below your waistFiddle with anything that requires your full attentionlike word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worrylater Keep a notebook and pen handy Thenext time anxiety is triggered or could bewrite the concern down and lay it aside Set adate or time to address the issue perhapswith a safe person
144
Next Retrain your thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
145
Now may the God of peace
who through the blood of the
eternal covenant brought back
from the dead our Lord Jesus that
great Shepherd of the sheep equip
you with everything good for doing
his will and may he work in
us what is pleasing to
him through Jesus Christ to
whom be glory for ever and ever
Amen
APPENDIX
147
Terms page 148
A Word About Medication page 149
Bible References page 152
Photos and Other Credits page 155
Collection of Chapter Exercises plus BONUS Exercises page 159
Blank Pages for Notes page 182
Terms - Links
BibleGodrsquos Word
Christ Jesus Christ Christ Jesus
Christian
The Difference Maker= God
Faith
Fear of God
Holy
Jesus
Original languages used to write the Bible
Types of mental health professionals
Repentance
Resurrection
Righteousness
Sin
Trinity
148
An ongoing debate in faith arenas over the use of medications for
mental health particularly depression and anxiety leavesconfusion in its wake Myths about this type of medical therapyabound
Myth 1 Medications cover up spiritual problems Thesedrugs do not create happiness They cannot force introspectionrelief from guilt or wisdom on a person any more than insulinprevents someone with diabetes from eating a candy bar
If behaviors and circumstances that helped to create a mentalhealth need do not change the problem may persist No pill willcorrect poor thinking permanently erase memories of trauma endabuse or change a sinful heart
Medications prepare a brain to function as intended Once stablethe patient can choose to learn wisdom and pursue God or not
Myth 2 Mental illness is a myth No All mental illnesses aredisorders In other words something is wrong with a personrsquosability to function normally due to mental processing Medicationis often necessary to save a life Many chronicled symptoms giveprofessionals an excellent idea of how to diagnose mental illness
Everyone experiences down days massive grief and even
149
A Word About Medication
depressive thoughts It becomes a disorder when a person cannotfunction normally keep healthy relationships or overcome theseemotions
Myth 3 All psychiatrists do is throw pills at youPsychiatrists are medical doctors and specialists It is their job toprescribe medication based on revealed symptoms Appointmentsare typically about 15 minutes Very few offer talk therapy (whereaspsychologists generally do)
A psychiatrist may recommend hospitalization or insist a clientmove to a higher level of care such as to an IOP (IntensiveOutpatient Program) These are professional therapeutic programsthat occur throughout the week in half or full days
Myth 4 Psychiatric medications do not work It is true
150
sometimes they do not Six reasons for this have nothing to dowith the medications themselves
A A patient does not take the medication as prescribed or isnoncompliant and refuses itB A patient refuses recommended co-treatments such as talktherapyC The patient quits too soon Unfortunately it may take weeksand even months to discover the one that works best for aspecific person Dosages may also need readjustmentsD The patient is unable to convey symptoms clearlyPrescriptions based on incomplete information will likely be lesseffectiveE Affordability lack of insurance parity interference fromfamily members and more may disrupt proper treatmentcreating any of the above issues
ldquoJesus is the only one with perfect brain chemistry and nopsychological issues Every other human has somepsychological dysfunctionhellipPsychological Science is simplyunderstanding how God designed our mind to work and thenlearning how to maximally steward our mind for His glory andour fulfillment in Himrdquo
F Misdiagnosis by a doctor This is especially a problem whennon-psychiatric doctors prescribe psychiatric medications
Myth 5 Medications hurt people Safety may be compromisedif medication is not taken as prescribed The wrong medication toocan adversely affect a person Rumors about how often this occursare exaggerated
For most people a combination of medication and talk therapy hasproven most effective For those who receive professionaltreatment 80 go on to live more satisfying lives
If medication corrects brain dysfunction and allows one to developa richer life with Christ (and it has for me) then using medicationis good stewardship of onersquos capabilities Some takeaways from themission statement of Lighthouse Network agree
151
For a deeper look at therapy and medicationsfrom a Christian point of view go to Is It Ok for aChristian to Take Anti-depressants
Chapter
1 The Difference Maker
2 Self-doubt
3 Toxic Shame
4 Self=loathing
Bible References
152
sup1Exodus 1414 sup2Matthew 1128-29 sup3Romans 122 ⁴James 117 ⁵1 John 15 ⁶John 87⁷Romans 623 ⁸2 Thessalonians 17-10 ⁹Ephesians 24-9 NIVsup1⁰Romans 810-18 sup1sup1Psalm 2911 sup1sup2Ephesians 3 14-19
sup1Proverbs 46 -7 sup1∙⁵2 Samuel 111-1225 sup2Psalm 139 23-24sup31 Kings 39 ⁴ Hebrews 511-14niv ⁵Psalm 328niv⁶2 Timothy 316 ⁷2 Peter 120-21 ⁸2 Timothy 316-17niv⁹Mark 1224 sup1⁰1 Corinthians 1433nkjv sup1sup1Hebrews 116sup1sup2 2 Corinthians 317-18 sup1sup3Matthew 633 sup1⁴James15-7sup1⁵Psalm 4610 sup1⁶Deuteronomy 323-4 sup1⁷Exodus 314
sup1Genesis 127 sup2Psalm 84-6 sup3Isaiah 558 ⁴James 39-11 ⁵Ephesians 210 ⁶Psalm 13913⁷2 Corinthians 517 ⁸ Lamentations 322-23 ⁹1 John 31
sup1⁰James 223 sup1sup1 John 1515 sup1sup2Psalm 2710sup1sup3John 10 27-30 sup1⁴2 Corinthians 128-10
sup1Luke 2342-44 sup2 Psalms 34 sup3Micah 718-19 ⁴ Ephesians 317-19 ⁵Psalm 10311-12 ⁶ Psalm 4421⁷Psalm 10314 ⁸ Proverbs 37-8 ⁹Matthew 523-24sup1⁰Luke 2334 sup1sup1Acts 759-60 sup1sup1∙⁵Acts 81sup1sup2Acts 83 sup1sup3 Acts 2022-24 sup1⁴ Philippians 35-14 sup1⁵Psalm 345 sup1⁶2 Corinthians 1314
sup1Exodus 341014 sup2James 316 sup3Proverbs 1430 ⁴Philippians 23-11 ⁵Matthew 2128-32 ⁶Philippians 212-14⁷1 Corinthians 134-8niv ⁸Romans 1215 ⁹Jeremiah 923-25sup1⁰1 John 215-16 sup1sup1Titus 33-5
Chapter
5 Extreme Conclusions
6 Hopeless
7 Jealousy and Envy
153
sup1Matthew 71 sup2Matthew 2537-40 sup3Luke 311⁴Matthew 547niv ⁵Matthew 543-44 ⁶Matthew 712⁷Luke 1030-37 ⁸Numbers 1911-16niv and Leviticus 211-4 10-12niv⁹ 1 Corinthians 1312 sup1⁰Matthew 73-5 sup1⁰∙⁵Luke 1135-36sup1sup1Matthew 1916-26 sup1sup2Matthew 624 sup1sup3Isaiah 714sup1⁴John 11sup1⁵ Verses 4 23 Throughout his ministry people had trouble giving up old beliefs andfully grasping what Jesus was saying In John 11 we see him telling his disciples thatLazarusrsquo illness will not result in death that this situation will bring glory to God (likethe healing of the man born blind which they witnessed John 9) He informs Martha thatLazarus will be raised by him (In the original language the word used when he saysldquoLazarus will liverdquo means raised from a lying down position- raised from the dead)
sup1⁶ Verses 3328 Some traditional versions say Jesus was deeply moved or troubled
Jesus was agitated or angry wanting to instruct everyone and perhaps restrain thefaithless talk around him He waited and instead allowed his prayer and the results tospeak for themselvessup1⁷Psalm 11996 sup1⁸1 Samuel 167 sup1⁹ Mark 1427-31sup2⁰ Mark 14 66-72 sup2sup1John 201-10 sup2sup2 John 211-19sup2sup3Acts 413 sup2⁴2 Corinthians 47 sup2⁵James 116-18
sup1Isaiah 4318-19 niv sup2Psalm 3418 sup3Psalm 1213⁴Genesis 1611-13 ⁴∙⁵ Job 395-8 ⁵Nehemiah 919-20⁶Psalm 119140 ⁷Psalm 1361-3 ⁸Psalm 1437-8⁹Ruth 11-22 and 413-17 sup1⁰Psalm 3121-23 sup1sup12 Corinthians 75-7sup1sup22 Kings 1819 sup1sup31 Kings 1819 sup1⁴Psalm 1391-12sup1⁵Matthew 1029 sup1⁶Proverbs 1410 sup1⁷Proverbs 1320sup1⁸ Book of Job sup1⁹Job 427-9 sup2⁰Psalm 119130
sup1Proverbs 149-10 sup21 John 18 sup3 Isaiah 59 1 2
⁴ Proverbs 193 ⁵James 113 ⁶James 114-15
⁷ Hebrews 1210 ⁸Proverbs 311-12 ⁹Proverbs 1721
sup1⁰ Proverbs 2210 sup1sup1Exodus 201-17 sup1sup2Mark 1228-31
sup1sup3Romans 139-10niv sup1⁴Matthew 53-10 sup1⁵Psalm 411
sup1⁶Matthew 116 ESV sup1⁷Psalm 321-2 sup1⁸Psalm 1465sup1⁹John 151-5 sup2⁰ Romans 81 sup2sup12 Peter 13-9sup2sup2Proverbs 1130
sup2sup3Ephesians 51-20 Galatians 522-23 Proverbs 1031
sup2⁴1 Corinthians 924-25 sup2⁵James 112 sup2⁶Philippians 314
154
Chapter
8 Destructive Blame
9 Perceived Dependency
sup1 Isaiah 4420 sup1∙⁵ Matthew 1921nlt sup2 John 717sup3 John 824 ⁴ John 831-32 ⁵Matthew 2337⁵∙⁵1 Corinthians 120 ⁶Genesis 81 ⁷Genesis 3142⁸Genesis 5020 ⁹1 Samuel 2314 sup1⁰Acts 2622sup1sup1Philippians 227 sup1sup2Acts 224niv sup1sup3Romans 58nivsup1⁴2 Corinthians 75-7niv sup1⁵Jeremiah 41 sup1⁶Mark 217sup1⁷Psalm 7325-26niv
10 Fear
sup1Hebrews 122 sup2Hebrews 123 sup3Matthew 281-10 ⁴Matthew 2820 ⁵1 Samuel 251-38 ⁶ Romans 120 ⁷1 Kings 856-57 ⁸1 Corinthians 210-16 ⁹1 Corinthians 121sup1⁰2 Corinthians 57 sup1sup1Hebrews 111 sup1sup2Romans 831sup1sup3Matthew 66 sup1⁴ Proverbs 1810 sup1⁵Ephesians 61011sup1⁶Ephesians 611-13 sup1⁷ John 831-32 sup1⁸Romans 81-16sup1⁹Ephesians 51 sup2⁰ 2 Corinthians 518-19 sup2sup1James 219sup2sup2Romans 1017 sup2sup3 Matthew 1331-32sup2⁴1 Thessalonians 58-9 sup2⁵Matthew 41-11 sup2⁶Hebrews 512-14 sup2⁷Matthew 69-13
Chapter
1
2
3
4
Photos and Other Credits
Face in the mirror page 40 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped Artist page 44 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Church page 28 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJames Ryan quote page 31 from The National Association for Christian Recovery Four Kinds of Moral Inventory httpswwwnacrorgcenter-for-12-step-recoveryfour-kinds-of-moral-inventoryGirl praying page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NDcropped and manipulatedWriting hand page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredOxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes page 32httpsindianriveraaorgPDFTHE20FOUR20ABSOLUTESpdfScottish Proverb page 32 Confession Is Good For The Soul - Christian Devotions for Daily Living - DevotionscomCross page 32 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped
155
Man with net page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC rock overlaidRock page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCGirl page 14 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Billy Graham quote page 16 from Video Billy Graham httpswwwfacebookcomryanthompson100videos10158050555419605UzpfSTEyOTE4OTc5NDU6MTAyMTY5MTQzNDAwMzI3MTkFlame page 17 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC manipulated Jar page 26 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND
Chapter
5
6
156
Train page 49 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredTrain page 50 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredWounded man scene page 52 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND cropped recolored manipulatedCamel page 54 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYSAAbout Sadducee beliefs page 54 Camels Needles and the Question of Money retrieved on November 5 2020 from httpsallofitagainwordpresscom20170518camels-needles-and-the-question-of-money-colinTrain page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYN recoloredCurved path page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recoloredLazarusrsquo feet page 58 freebibleimagescomTrain tracks page 59 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCrecoloredTrain page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredExam paper page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredRooster page 61 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Jesus page 74 freebibleimagescomArahant Mental Wellness page 76 Treating Depression with TMS Aimed at the Brainrsquos Prefrontal Cortex httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortex Healthline page 76 The Effects of Depression on the Brain What Is Depression httpswwwhealthlinecomhealthdepressioneffects-brainHow-Can-Treatment-Change-the-Brain Figure 1 Page 76 httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortexEric W Dolan page 76 In depressed people the medial prefrontal cortex exerts more control over other parts of the brain Psypostcom Mental Health June 19 2017 httpswwwpsypostorg201706depressed-people-medial-prefrontal-cortex-exerts-control-parts-brainSemicolon tattoo page 81 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredProject Semicolon page 81 httpswwwfacebookcomprojectsemicolonMug page 82 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDrecolored
Jealousy and envy sisters page 92 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped manipulated recoloredHeart page 94 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredJesus and man page 96 freebibleimagescom recoloredWeeds page 98 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recolored
Necklace page 82 from httpswwwamazoncomproject-semicolon-jewelrysk=project+semicolon+jewelryPage 83 Black leprosy also called elephantiasis because the skin begins to look like elephant skin Jobs Disease By Louis Rushmorehttpswwwgospelgazettecomgazette2005janpage15htmJob and friends page 84 freeBibleimagescomGirl and woman page 86 This Photo by Unknown Author licensed under CC BY-NDWarning Signs of Suicide page 87 httpswwwnimhnihgovhealthtopicssuicide-preventionindexshtmlpart_153177Stairs page 91 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped and manipulated recolored
Chapter
6 continued
7
8
157
Boater and swimmer page 102 These Photos by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recolored ndash 2 pictures together both under same license Greek Olympics page 109 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredPower and Control Wheel page 111 from httpswwwtheagapecafecomFishing pole page 113 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredCouples page 115 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDand This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Chapter
9
10
158
Girl page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC cropped recoloredFloating money page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCrecolored croppedDice page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY 20 recolored croppedAshes page 120 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJesus and people page 122 freeBibleimagescomCaptain American cover page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredCaptain America Shield page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredSerenity Prayer photo page 124 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYCartoon man with weights page 125 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredSupport Group scene page 130 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND cropped recolored
Donkey page 133 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAUmbrella Woman page 135 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCWoman in shadows page 136 freeBibleimagescomArmor page 137This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCBreastplate page 138This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDBelt page 138 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDShield page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAHelmet page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCSword page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCPraying hands page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDTurtle page 141 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCLeaf page 143 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCRubiks cube page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SACalendar page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC
Collection of the Chapter Exercises
Plus Bonus Exercises
159
1 Make the Thought Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use anap even though a minute earlier you were not tired This is atype of thought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bedthe visual automatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom whereand why of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take thetime to complete the following exercise (for each thought habit)and you will be surprised at the worthwhile outcome
1 What consistent triggering event and response doyou experience
________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
_________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
160
3 What is your thought-habit
_____________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_____________________________________________(Example l feel content)
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchange your triggerrsquosassociation from gloomy to what generally rightens your mood
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with things you love move thebed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularly for foot rubs sayingprayers or texting jokes to your friends
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of the space with openblinds worship music or a self-starting coffee maker (Avoidtexts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
_________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
161
7 What action will you take next time this triggeringevent occurs
________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts Episodes ofdepression anxiety or other mental health challenges may followa pattern or cycle
BONUS EXERCISE Exchange News and Social Media for Books and Face-to-face Conversation
A sense of aloneness and anxiety might come from a lack of eye-to-eye contact and conversation and an overload of news reports
Especially before going to bed turn off all the negativity and pickup a good book During the day make plans with a friend to visitover coffee even if you must be socially distanced
Do this for two weeks and you will feel the results
2 Use Pros and Cons for Good Judgment
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible orask a mature follower of Christ to see if there is already ananswer given Step three Be brutally honest with all the pros andcons of your options
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
162
Remember Who Has All the Answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottle wherever it will catch somelight Keep it open and have slips of paper and pen available
Write down your unanswered questions doubts about yourselfand any other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside the jar is a great problemsurrounded by shadows and light By faith we can accept that wedo not see all or have all the answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimes shoot out of your jar Thisrepresents the endless wisdom and love of God to which we caneach cling Somehow good is going to come of what we do notunderstand
163
BONUS EXERCISE Sleep Hygiene for a Healthy BrainFrom adaaorg
bullKeep a regular sleep schedule Go to bed around the same timeeach nightbullDo not eat a heavy late mealbullWatch TV in a room other than your bedroombullTurn the TV off 30 minutes before bedtimebullPut down the electronics 30 minutes before bedtime The screeneven on dim mode can still be stimulating to the brain via theeyes
3 Examine the Evidence for Shame
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes to one of thequestions on the left you have a newday in the court of your mind Checkout the corresponding links on theright
164
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Secure Your Release From Toxic Shame
165
BONUS EXERCISE Incorporate Self-care
From successcom
Self-care is different for each person Examples of self-careinclude making a healthy smoothie before work going for a longwalk at lunch spending time laughing with your spouse beforebed going on an adventure drive relaxing at the beach calling afriend or taking a long bubble bath The type of self-care doesnrsquotmatter as much as the effect It should make you feel like yoursquoretaking care of yourself in a way that combats toxic shame self-loathing anxiety depression and stress Carve 20 minutes intoyour day for self-care
4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a gamesomething with a little challenge in it to help make a thoughtexchange So I made one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automaticallyspeak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourselfnames Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friend
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might make youcringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
BONUS EXERCISE Write Your Biography
Write stories from your life using only positive descriptive wordsabout yourself It doesnrsquot have to seem true at first Keep at it
166
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look aboutyou and write down all you have accomplished in the last 24hours (You read this page right That is one) No matter howsmall you think the accomplishment it is evidence to the contraryof never do anything right
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved onesto marketers to abusers messages given us as children and oldercan come from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable ofrealistic insight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged falsenegative core beliefs of their own Are they suggestible andreactionary with their emotions Are they knowledgeable andwise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
BONUS EXERCISE Mirror Mirror
Look yourself in the eye and say ldquoI am loved I am lovablerdquoRepeat
167
Test Messages and Messengers
5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
168
Keep
working
169
Know When to Say Yes for a Most-fulfilling Life
Knowing what is of utmost importance to you will help preventmisdirected drive
1 Take time to list all your current obligations This will includefamily friends job financial expenditures physical healthmental health spiritual goals what God has asked of you andanything that you must finish
2 Look realistically at the above Is there anything that does notfit within your daily availability finances emotional energy orphysical capabilities
3 Is there anything you can remove from this list Ask for Godrsquoswisdom
What remains are yesses With rare exceptions everything else isa no Each time you agree to secondary activities expenses orobligations you are trading-in and saying no to something (orsomeone) you more highly value
BONUS EXERCISE Have a Routine
Sometimes when emotions run our decision-making we needsomething stable to help us stay on track with what it is we want
On your calendar mark a morning routine and a bedtimeroutine Set alarms on your phone for meals and meds Schedulefree time so your calendar does not own you
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have theenergy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeuticEven baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make yourown
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list Play music Set the table Take a shower Sit with the family Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today Go for a walk with a person or your dog Eat a healthy meal Attend participate in a support group Paint a picture or put a puzzle together Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Lower Your Stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
6 When You Feel Hopeless Live a Little
170
Allow Hope
Think about your values as a guide Write down what is importantto you and keep the list where you can see it Each day after youhave a choice stick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family
I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
BONUS EXERCISE Prevention
Lack of motivation and finding no pleasure in pleasurable activitiesare two of the classic symptoms doctors look for to diagnosedepression An enjoyable activity serves a preventative role
Make a 9rdquo x 9rdquo paper circle List around the circle activities youenjoy and activities you want to try Ring a paper clip over a penciland plant the pencil in the middle of your circle Spin the paper clipThe activity it points to is what you do for this day Another circlewith names can select whom to invite to join in the activity
171
172
ExampleThought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social eventlearn to be a good friend Reach out to her inkindness
Do something of value to earn respect speakkind words to and about him work on honestways to improve your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thankGod those people are comfortable and nothungry or cold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to goout with your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
7 Act Opposite
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Do the Amazing
What if you did something so shocking it amazes even youWhat if you went so counter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things If you will do it this challenge will shake yourworld and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it moreor to a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the Script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarrantedcriticism it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of runningwoulda-if-only on a loop how about making the situation into agame
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
173
8 Find Harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time
to study their companion and without criticism show appreciationfor the good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God forwhat you have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blamepay attention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize that everyone including yourselfhas made mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive asmuch as God has forgiven you
174
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stopping another person (we have nocontrol over them) Boundaries are about what we allow into ourcircle
Do the following exercise then create your own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leaveresponsibility for his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for theconsequences of losing them
What about a situation in your life
Draw a Circle Around Yourself
175
176
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsession
Take this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool
httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
9 Now What
Spell It Out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write out all it has stolen andwhat freedom will bring This is about you not casting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praiseand gratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is toa real God who will not only see what you write but who knowsyour heart
Write a letter (or letters) to your perceived dependency Do notmail it if it is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Romeis directly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
177
Find a Strong Support System
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over timewho is healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability tohold your confidences Watch them with other people Choosefriends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who haveseen your struggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
178
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in your pocket Feel it whenanxieties and other pressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions and impulsive thoughts orprevents them from rising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can be helpful to avoid anxietyattacks or panic or to use during anxiety and panic attacks
179
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing remindersthat he is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics willinspire you God Will Make a Way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in a public placewith little opportunity to walk away practice sign language orwrite the names of people you care about in the air discreetlybelow your waist Fiddle with anything that requires your fullattention like word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worry later Keep anotebook and pen handy The next time anxiety is triggered orcould be write the concern down and lay it aside Set a date ortime to address the issue perhaps with a safe person
BONUS Keep Your Mind Busy With Purpose
180
For ideas about purposeful activities and meaningfulrelationships during pandemic isolation see my free e-bookStay at Home and Thrive
Retrain Your Thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
181
182
Notes
About the AuthorNancy Virden
Nancy is a mental health advocatefreelance writer and founder andvoice of Always the FightMinistries
Always the Fight Ministries hasbeen displaying compassion forthose fighting mental illnessaddiction and abuse since 2012Nancy openly shares her story ofemotional resurrection fromdespair
She is an active participant in herchurch most recently starting andco-leading a depression andanxiety support group
CONTACTNancyVirdenhopegmailcom
Nancy has two adult sons Her hobbies include art and research
Dedicated with love to Sue G a friend of thirty-three years
who without fail has prayerfully been at my side -
nonjudgmentally uncritically with full acceptance and
loving action - through dark and scary waters always ready
to greet me when I return to health and without stigma
treat me with knowledge and grace
Thank you dear friend
A donation to Grace Alliance is appreciated in exchange for
this free book
Mental Health Grace Alliancecultivates healthy solutions through
simple innovative biblical truths scientific research and practical tools
It is grace made practical for our mental and emotional health and
resiliency
Mental Health Grace Alliance is a 501(c)3 non-profit organization
Grace Alliance is unaffiliated with Always the Fight Ministries 2020
No donations benefit Nancy Virden financially
Table of Contents
The Difference Makerhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Self-Doubthelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Toxic Shamehelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Self-loathinghelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Extreme Conclusions helliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
HopelessnesshelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellipTo Supports 83
Jealousy and Envyhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Destructive Blamehelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Perceived Dependencyhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Fearhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Appendixhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
5
15
27
39
49
69
92
102
117
131
147
We closed the meeting said goodbye and headed toward our
cars A full to-do list along with a sense of anxious helplessnessfilled my thoughts I cant I cant do it all
Randomly my mind wandered Even if I wanted to clean-up themillions of bee-bee size stones it would be an unsafe waste ofhours A less tedious walk would be nice but the problem was notmine to fix My job was simply to do my best at staying upright
Finally at home I slumped into a chair in silence heart andthoughts racing in stride There still wrapped in my coat handsand feet dressed for the winter chill I sagged under the weight ofbarren strength It was a familiar feeling being overwhelmed
Nothing was left of me on which to lean The whole of my effortslately seemed to accomplish nothing toward higher goals Defeat
5
1The Difference Maker
Walking was treacherous Potholes markedthe parking lot evidence of years of poundingstorms and heavy traffic Miniscule pebblessprinkled a disordered hopscotch as if largerocks had been pulverized over patches of old
and newer asphalt
ldquoI canrsquotrdquo
becomes
our miracle
and exhaustion forced surrender ldquoGod Irsquom sorry I canrsquothelliprdquo
I canrsquot finish what we started canrsquot move from this chair canrsquotplan another meeting see anyone or write another paragraphI canrsquot
Heaven sent three words to complete my whispered prayer ldquobutYou canrdquo The parking lot had been an object lesson It was timeto set down what was not mine to fix
ldquoI canrsquot but You canrdquo became a regular confession One step afteranother this phrase called attention to the One whose strengthdoes not wither whose love never fails and whose offers of restand healing are constant
ldquoThe Lord will fight for you You needonly be stillrdquo God told Mosessup1
ldquoCome to me all you who are wearyand carry heavy burdensrdquo Jesuspromised ldquoI will give you restrdquo sup2
Beyond burn-out daily life often feelsgravelly and threatening whenparalyzed by the past insecurities
The Lord will
fight for you
You need only
be still Exodus 1414
and depressive thinking we make littleprogress toward personal wholeness
Much of the time we stay stuck in fear oflosing what is familiar what it is we thinkwe have learned to control We chasepebbles instead of purpose
6
ldquoLet God transform you into a new person by changing the wayyou thinkrdquo wrote Paul one of the earliest believers in theChristian faithsup3 His term changing or renewing means to makean exchange
God is on our side ldquoI canrsquotrdquo becomes our miracle when we addldquoThe Difference Maker can and Irsquoll let himrdquo
What does God have to do with it
ldquoWho would you rather trust He is the Difference-Makerrdquo - a psychologist
Each are temporary Not only do they fluctuate with discoveryopinions moods and the market none reach into our deepestneed and make us permanently whole
The Difference Maker is well different Not a what but a who hedoes not change like shifting shadows⁴ nor can he be chained tohuman personality knowledge or man-made rites or rules He isgreater than everything we call finished
Godrsquos nature is to be there for us faithful to keep his promiseseven in troubling times His nature is constant which gives us
We like whats What time is it What is thescore What will happen next Educationscience financial security religion andpsychology to name a few have theirpurposes From them we may experience asense of fulfillment and some answers to ourquestion what
7
hope and firm ground in which to stake our trust
Because of his love for each of us he made a way to spend foreverwith us He is holy without any deceit or darkness at all⁵ We arenot as we all know⁶ To permit our guilt (deceit darkness) intohis holy presence he had to make a sacrifice
Instead of compromising his holy nature he provided a holy (nodeceit no darkness) gift that we can choose or refuse One day wewill all stand before God with or without his gift When we cometo him bearing this gift we will be ushered into his heaven⁷ Thenews is dreadful for those who do not have the gift with them⁸
The gift is free salvation offered by Godrsquos grace through faith inhis Son Jesus⁹ It is by accepting this gift that we become Godrsquoschildren and heirs to everything in his kingdomsup1⁰
We have this wonderful future with God to anticipate yet he iswith us now He has sent his Spirit the Holy Spirit (again nodeceit no darkness) to teach us and to touch us emotionally withspiritual truth
One of the best gifts we can open today is Godrsquos peace ldquoThe Lordgives his people strength the Lord blesses them with peacerdquosup1sup1Peace is our new state of being as we learn to apply his truththrough his processes
Paul said it best when he wrote the following
When I think of all this I fall to my knees and pray to theFather the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth Ipray that from his glorious unlimited resources he willempower you with inner strength through his Spirit Then
8
Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in himYour roots will grow down into Godrsquos love and keep youstrong
And may you have the power to understand as all Godrsquospeople should how wide how long how high and how deephis love is May you experience the love of Christ though it istoo great to understand fully Then you will be made completewith all the fullness of life and power that comes from Godsup1sup2
God is love
I will give you a new heart and put anew spirit in you I will remove fromyou your heart of stone and give youa heart of flesh Ezekiel 3626niv
If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son ofGod God lives in them and they in God And so weknow and rely on the love God has for us God islove 1 John 415-16niv
He cares about broken hearts He heals the brokenheartedand binds up their wounds
Psalm 1473niv
You LORD hear the desire of theafflicted you encourage them and youlisten to their cry Psalm 1017niv
He is with us during depression
He offers inside-out change
9
Godrsquos power is at work Now to him who is able to doimmeasurably more than all weask or imagine according to hispower that is at work within us tohim be gloryhellip Ephesians 320-21niv
I say to myself ldquoThe LORD is myinheritance therefore I will hope inhimrdquo -Jeremiah Lamentations 324
He offers eternal hope
He offers joy I came that they may have and enjoy life andhave it in abundance -Jesus John 1010amp
This is not a God will fix you book It is a door that opens into thediscovery of biblical solutions you may not know exist
This is also not a miracle-cure book The miracle is the DifferenceMaker and how he lifts you above depressive thoughts
10
12
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord you teach
ldquohellipwhatever is true
whatever is noble whatever
is right whatever is pure
whatever is lovely whatever
is admirablemdashif anything is
excellent or praiseworthymdash
think about such thingsrdquo
Help me Lord to change my
depressive thoughts
Based on Philippians 48
___________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
1 What consistent triggering event and response do youexperience
___________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
Practical Exercise 1 Make the Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use a napeven though a minute earlier you were not tired This is a type ofthought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bed the visualautomatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Begin noticing what runs through your brain in different situationsHow do certain thoughts make you feel
If you are uncertain how to answer the last question try this quickexperiment Think for 30 seconds on this yearrsquos news and noticeyour emotions Now focus on your favorite memory for 30 secondsIn which direction did your feelings travel when you changed theseintentional thoughts
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom where andwhy of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take the time tocomplete the following exercise (for each thought habit) and you willbe surprised at the worthwhile outcome
12
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchangeyour triggerrsquos association from gloomy to whatgenerally rightens your mood
3 What is your thought-habit
_______________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_______________________________________________(Example l feel content)
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with thingsyou love move the bed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularlyfor foot rubs saying prayers or texting jokesto your friends Avoid texts from work oropen them elsewhere)
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of thespace with open curtains worship music or a self-startingcoffee maker (Avoid texts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
__________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
13
7 What action will you take next time this triggering eventoccurs
__________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts More seriousepisodes of depression anxiety or other challenges may follow apattern or cycle Ideas throughout the following chapters can helpcreate new thinking patterns to replace negative thought habits
14
2Self-Doubt
Her eyes climb sparkling windowpanes to the tenth floor as she
stands frozen facing the entrance to an imposing office buildingAudrey has researched this job opportunity for days Do I knowenough Her binder is loaded with documents What did I forgetHer attire is professional I should have worn those other shoes
A woman walks past carrying a briefcase She looks put-togetherWhat if she is applying Audrey has recently earned a degree thefirst in her family to finish college But it is only a bachelorrsquos and Ihave no experience She catches her reflection in the glass doorsIrsquom too young
Finally Audrey caves What was I thinking They will never hireme This was a mistake Irsquom going home
Some thoughts My judgment is questionable Is this the right decision Am I good enough No one will take me
seriously I do not know if I am making a difference Fears of rejection and failure are paralyzing
ldquoGet Wisdomrdquo
[Godrsquos] still on the throne And those of us who know him putour trust in him and him alone I donrsquot put my trust in
15
ldquoGet wisdomrdquo is the challenge King Solomon of ancient Israel gaveto his son ldquoThough it cost all you have get understandingrdquosup1 Iwonder if his urgency was inspired by the story of his parentsKing David and Bathshebasup1∙⁵
Get wisdom from believers who listen to the Holy Spirit King David took another manrsquos wife Bathsheba and killed theman God detested this terrible deed and David knew it Drowningin lies and excuses he lived in total denial
Nathan the prophet listened to Godrsquos Holy Spirit and called David
Washington I donrsquot put my trust in the United Nations I donrsquotput trust in myself I donrsquot put my trust in my money I put mytrust in the Lord Jesus Christ When all the rest of it fails andcrumbles and shatters Hersquoll be there - Billy Graham
16
Reliance on
Godrsquos wisdom
means our
judgment is
not our only
resource
Self-doubt traps us between fear andfailure Trusting God to show us what todo may seem contradictory to our goal ofthinking for ourselves with confidence Ofcourse we are not created conformists orrobots
Nonetheless we cannot know more thanwe know Reliance on Godrsquos wisdommeans our judgment is not our onlyresource Even when we do not know thewhere what why or how ofcircumstances we never have toquestion Gods ability to lead
out on his rationalizing Truth hit David hard Hebroke down His tears of grief were not only regretbut repentance
Repentance is a combination of sorrow oversinning (wrongdoing) against God and a turningaway from those sins David later wrote in such away it is evident he changed direction His prayeris one we can repeat
Solomon became king remembering his fatherrsquoslessons Above long life riches or militaryvictory he prayed for an understanding mind anddiscerning heart to know the difference betweenright and wrongsup3
Growth and discernment are natural results of asincere and disciplined relationship with JesusAge and many years in the church do notguarantee this Spiritually mature believers havedeeper understanding of sound judgment becauseby constant practice they have trainedthemselves to distinguish good from evil⁴ Thereis much to be said for such experience
A man thanked a boy for giving him directionsadding ldquoIrsquom the new pastor Come to church
17
ldquoSearch me O God and know my heart test meand know my anxious thoughts Point outanything in me that offends you and lead mealong the path of everlasting liferdquosup2
Sunday and Irsquoll show you how get to heavenrdquo
The boy was skeptical Awww come on You dont even know theway around town
God promises ldquoI willhellip teach you in the way you should gordquo⁵ LikeNathan God still appoints people who listen to the Holy Spirit tospeak truth
The better part of wisdom is admitting when we have reached theend of what we know and humbly asking for directions
Get wisdom from the Holy BibleGodrsquos Word is not merely words on paper All Scripture is God-breathed according to Paul⁶ None of it is false
No prophecy or book in the Bible came from the writerrsquos initiativeor human understanding There is but one author God People likePaul who wrote profound letters were moved by the Holy Spirit⁷
Paul continues by saying the Bible is useful for correcting andtraining so servants of God (believers) will be thoroughlyequipped for every good deed and ministry⁸ He strongly impliesthat without such correction and training we will not have thenecessary tools to do Godrsquos work
Several hyper-religious hypocrites tried to trap Jesus with loadedquestions In one incident Jesus replied ldquoAre you not in errorbecause you do not know the Scriptures or the power of Godrdquo ⁹
Jesus could not be tricked into a defensive position because heknew the Word of God intimately He understood the heart of it
18
because he knew the Father so well If we are not studying thebook we will find ourselves floundering So often we leaveourselves vulnerable to the latest arguments and philosophies
Saturating in the Bible whether through reading or audio is howwe learn who God is how he relates to us personally and how torespond to him Without this we miss out on the power of God
I recommend reading the Bible in large chunks Headingschapters and verse numbers have been added by publishers tohelp us navigate and find specific passages these markings do notexist in the original writings Context and flow of meaning arericher without those divisions so try to pretend they are not there
As variations from reading I enjoy the NIV dramatized versionaudio Bible and movies that directly quote New Testament books
The Bible is also not published in chronological order You mayfind it more fascinating and exciting to follow a chronological listof books and passages These are easily found online
Get wisdom from knowing Godrsquos willSelf-doubt interrupts our ability to process leaving us stranded ina place of pain the valley of indecision We want to know Godrsquoswill for us yet our prayers are mixed with fear and negative what-ifs
19
Sam enjoys the pace of factory work He is good with his hands andfeels a sense of pride in a dayrsquos accomplishments He holds nostudent debt can leave his job at the factory and is fully presentfor his family in the evenings
Sam would be miserable managing the factory After dealing withcontractors and payroll and customers all day he would returnhome uptight business school loans still due
If Sam were offered these jobs what would you recommend forhim God is not the author of confusionsup1⁰ Most of the time hespeaks through the obvious and we can over-spiritualize things tothe point they make no sense
God made us with innate talents and gifts He placed us in culturesamong people who will help develop our likes and dislikesAssuming we are not choosing to sin we can make life choicesbased on what suits our unique qualities best
If Audrey faces that office building knowing the job is one that willdry up her talents then walking away is likely wise Of course Godgrows us within the challenging features of his calling We tend toenjoy what we are successful doing and skills increase withpractice Trying a new experience is an adventure
20
Where We
Find JoyOur
Will
Godrsquos
Will
21
He has already revealed his will for us anyway Comparing ouroptions to his known will makes for simpler decisions if they donot match we need to change
Firstly we must have faith in God and In his Son Jesus Withoutfaith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes tohim must believe that he exists and that he rewards those whoearnestly seek himsup1sup1
Secondly with the help of the Holy Spirit we are to transformbecoming more like Christ in attitude which is love for othersobedience to the Father and willingness to suffer for the truthsup1sup2
Thirdly we are told to focus on the spiritual kingdom of Jesussup1sup3My grandmother had a sign hung prominently in her dining roomAs one who wanted to make a difference in the world it spoke tome throughout my youth
lsquoTis only one life
lsquoTwill soon be past
Only whatrsquos done for Christ will last
God feels with you and knows how exhausted and overloaded youare at times Do what you want and can do His work in us is allabout growing in love not more pressure to meet human orreligious standards
Get wisdom from prayerPerhaps the most comforting promise about using good judgment
22
was recorded by Jesusrsquo brother James ldquoIf any of you lacks wisdomyou should ask God who gives generously to all without findingfault and it will be given to yourdquosup1⁴
Without finding fault what a relief We do not have to clean-upbefore approaching our Holy Father He has only one condition forhis perfect guidance to get through to us James wrote ldquoBut whenyou ask you must believe and not doubtrdquosup1⁴
A pastor proposed an idea for knowing when we have receivedGodrsquos answer
Ask Make a specific request to God such as ldquoIs it best I take thisjobrdquo or ldquoDo I owe Becky an apologyrdquo
Listen Pay attention to the first thought that follows yourrequest
Act Go with that first thought
But I will make a mistake Irsquoll think of something wrong That iswhere doubt comes in God is more than capable of getting hismessage through all the muck in our heads Every time I haveapplied this pastorrsquos idea every time the answer has been the rightone
Confusion comes with arguing It is true Trying to have my wayand ldquoaskrdquo him at the same time forces a did he answer or did he notanswer internal battle That is on me not him Self-doubt will pop-up its ugly head nevertheless it loses its power if we refuse tosecond-guess God
Faith and trust increase the better we know him ldquoBe still and knowthat I am Godrdquo he sayssup1⁵ Be still Turn off the television and
23
phone go somewhere quiet and meditate onwho is this God and Creator of the universe
Open your Bible with this prayer ldquoGod pleaseshow me what this means to my life mysituation Please reveal what I need to learnabout Yourdquo
Love and holiness are Godrsquos nature His love is
He told
Moses his
name
ldquoI AMrdquo
unending He is the source of all good and truth in the world He isperfectly goodsup1⁶
Yet he is a mystery No one of such finite quality as we can fullymake sense of an eternal God The most studious experts ofscripture know only what God has revealed to them
He told Moses his name I AMsup1⁷ He exists As supposed to all theother false gods and idols that are man-made illusions and self-reliance which is faulty surely he can handle our situations Let usstop questioning our every move We can be still and know he isGod
Imagine Audrey goes to the job interview confident of Godrsquos lovefor her Intimidation and insecurities weaken as she exchanges self-doubt for faith
I cannot Lord You canI have not You will never abandon me
I am unseeing You know all
Please lead me along the best path
25
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Do good to your servant
according to your word
Lord Teach me knowledge
and good judgment for I
trust your commands Before
I was afflicted I went
astray but now I obey
your word
Psalm 11965-67
Practical Exercise 2 Pros and Cons
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible or ask amature follower of Christ to see if there is already an answer givenStep three Be brutally honest with all the pros and cons of youroptions
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
25
Next remember who has all the answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottlewherever it will catch some light Keepit open and have slips of paper andpen available
Write down your unansweredquestions doubts about yourself andany other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside thejar is a great problem surrounded byshadows and light By faith we canaccept that we do not see all or have allthe answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimesshoot out of your jar This representsthe endless wisdom and love of God towhich we can each cling Somehowgood is going to come of what we donot understand
26
3Toxic Shame
Some thoughts I must punish myself I cannot show my face Irsquoll never tell anyone what I did or how I feel There are dozens of reasons for her to hate me I cannot go to
God because Ive done too much wrong Forgive myself Not possible
Shame is a good thing It is Without shame for wrongdoing there
would be no rehabilitation no fresh starts no amends and nochange We must feel ashamed so we are ready to apologize andmean it This is healthy
Toxic Shame is a cruel entertainer replaying mental moviesespecially at night while we snack on the poisons of self-hate andhumiliation
Toxic Shames co-conspirator is Mindreading She makes it difficultto let go of the fear that people remember and do not forgive
Toxic Shame is a relentless accuser with total-devastation potential Scores of his targets havefallen victim to physical pains anxiety or someform of self-punishment This shame preventsrest in Godrsquos love because we question ourworthiness of forgiveness
27
mistakes We do not take their words at face value Mindreadingassumes we are judged by everyone like we judge ourselves
Toxic shame cannot stand up to Godrsquos mercy
pastor the name of Jesus never escaped his lips
As he lay dying and unresponsive at age eighty-four a chaplaincame to visit He asked about Dadrsquos background and I told him whatI just told you The chaplain said something I had not consideredldquoPerhaps because he once was a pastor he does not believe he canbe forgiven for falling into sinrdquo
It makes perfect sense the way Dad wouldshrug off talk of his old days as a preacheror how he changed the subject if a regularconversation turned to faith When I or myson asked about his relationship to Jesushe always answered ldquoIrsquom working on itrdquo
ldquoPerhaps
because he was
once a pastor
he does not
believe he can
be forgivenrdquo
Refusing to forgive ourselves might seemlike humility it is the epitome of prideWe assume to have an authority greaterthan God when after he wipes away oursins we answer ldquoNot me Im too messedup even for You
Clumsy human attitudes such as this donot determine Godrsquos toward us
My dad was not easily understood Hisways were a mix of good deeds and dolingout grievous pain Although he was once a
28
Shortly after the chaplain spoke to and prayed with my dad Istepped out for a short break from keeping vigil Ten minutes latertrying to reenter Dadrsquos room it felt the door was heavy as ifpressing against a strong wind With a heavier shove I found myselfin a familiar and most welcome of atmospheres
It was still except for the sound of labored breathing The air wasthick with the closest to perfect peace as we will ever know on thisearth The dense presence of Godrsquos Holy Spirit filled the roomconcentrated in the corner over my fatherrsquos bed
The Difference Maker was answering my long-time prayer andholding a deathbed conversation with Dad Some time passed until Ifelt the presence rise and leave perhaps taking a refreshed soul withhim Within an hour my dadrsquos frail body quit trying
Jesus was crucified between two thieves One of them said to JesusldquoRemember me when you come into your kingdomrdquo
Jesus answered ldquoToday you will be with me in paradiserdquosup1
A thief and my dad Two unlikely candidates for heaven embracedfor eternity because they said yes to forgiveness
It is too bad my dad did not live a life of peace We can While werehearse old scenarios the Difference Maker forgives generously
We duck our heads in shame he wants to liftour chinssup2
Once my dad had breathed his last I askedGod if he would assure me that dad said yes tohim during their talk I opened my Bible and
29
30
landed near the end of the Old Testament
ldquoYou will not stay angry with your people forever because youdelight in showing unfailing loverdquo Micah the prophet wrote ldquoOnceagain you will have compassion on us You will trample our sinsunder your feet and throw them into the depths of the oceanrdquosup3
Do you see that God delights in showing unfailing love He wasnever about to let his child go into eternity without him In the endGod orchestrated the timing so my dad would accept forgivenessand his daughter would have the privilege of learning just how deepis the love of God for those who believe on his Son⁴
He not only removes our shame he personally has a great timedoing so He is eager to remove our fears too
I know my dad is in heaven just like I know the thief is there ldquoFor ashigh as the heavens are above the earth so great is his love for thosewho fear him as far as the east is from the west so far has heremoved our transgressions from usrdquo⁵
Other steps
Remember healthy shame It becomes toxic when we allow it to rotunattended while we refuse to deal with complicated truth
Things we ignore grow moldy and poisonous This plays out inaddiction resentment depression anger control issues self-righteousness and so much more
Godrsquos love and forgiveness are gracious and forever I will thank himfor them However he does not take our stubborn and hard
Moral inventory shapes our understanding of ourselves whichin turn shapes our relationship with God Some styles ofinventory ask us to take a hard look at our character defectsand this can create a powerful sense of our need for God Otherstyles of inventory encourage us to look not just at ourshortcomings but at our strengths as well and so the sense ofneed for God is not as strong If we write according to the firststyle of inventory we are more likely to enter in an intimaterelationship with God ndashJames Ryan of the National
Association of Christian Recovery
A fearless inventory does not shy away from total honesty with Godwho knows everything anyway⁶ We do not have to fear Godrsquosrejection He never expects perfection from humans because heknows how weak we are he remembers we are only dust⁷
Guidance for completing an inventory is on the next page
hearts and melt them against our will Steps we can take will openus to his miracles
Moral Inventory
31
ConfessionldquoDonrsquot be impressed with your own wisdomInstead fear the LORD and turn away fromevil Then you will have healing for your bodyand strength for your bonesrdquo⁸
Who knew the Bible is so psychologically apteh
The One who made us knows we need tounload shame and offers his listening earsWe share our moral inventory with him andask him to remove all our sins
Honesty 1 Peter 222
rdquoHe committed no
sin and no deceit was
found in his mouthrdquo
Sexual Purity
Hebrews 726 rdquo[Christ
Jesus] truly meets our need mdash one who is
holy blameless pure set apart from sinnershelliprdquo
Love 1 John 316 ldquoThis is how
we know what love isJesus Christ
laid down his life for
usrdquo
Unselfishness2 Corinthians
89rdquoFor you know the grace of our
Lord Jesus Christ that
though he was rich yet for your sake he became
poor so that you through his
poverty might become richrdquo
Borrowed from the Oxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes we compare
our honesty purity unselfishness and love to that of Jesus
32
Amends (not excuses)
Jesus said ldquohellipif you are offering your gift at the altar (he meant inworship of God) and there remember that your brother or sisterhas something against you leave your gift there in front of the altarFirst go and be reconciled to them then come and offer your giftrdquo⁹
That is how important making amends is to God Confessing ourwrongs to people we have hurt is a giant step toward our healingfrom toxic shame and hopefully brings some sense of closure tothem too Unless contacting them would cause them more pain wehumbly admit what we did and apologize
Forgiveness is theirs to give when and if they are ready so we donot ask for it Our forgiveness comes from above Amends may notproduce a healed relationship we do it anyway and leave others toGod
Pray blessings for your enemiesJesus prayed for his enemiessup1⁰ as did Stephen the first Christianmartyr
ldquoOpen confession is good for the soulrdquo ndashScottish proverb
33
This is an ongoing process His forgivenessis complete nonetheless we will continueto act dishonestly impurely selfishly andunlovingly at times
A caution Do not compare yourself against
other people only to Christ Jesus
Stephen prayed for those who conspired to have him stoned todeathsup1sup1 While he was dying he asked God to have mercy on hisenemies Saul of Tarsus stood among themsup1sup1∙⁵
In the name of God Saul of Tarsus zealously opposed Jesusrsquofollowers hunting them down Mercilessly he tore families apartdragging men and women believers to prison and voting for theirdeaths He tried to force them to blaspheme a criminal offensesup1sup2
Eventually he wrote half the New Testament of our Holy Bibletoday
Did Paul deserve Godrsquos grace No way That is the beauty of itnone of us do Jesus never sinned and therefore had pure love forhis enemies By praying for our enemies we recognize theirhumanity and ours The largess of Godrsquos grace heals our soul
Stay in the presentPaul could easily have been paralyzed by toxic shame as hepreached to and encouraged friends and members of those samefamilies he had killed In his sixties and under house arrest for hisfaith Paul wrote ldquohellipone thing I do Forgetting what is behind and
As he was
martyred he
asked God to
have mercy on his
enemies
God heard Stephenrsquos prayer and hadmercy on Saul After his conversionSaul changed his name to Paul (Saulwas a kingly name Paul meanslittle)
For about thirty-five years Paulserved as missionary and churchplanter willingly suffering the life hehad imposed on otherssup1sup3
34
Note We all need assistance sometimes When toxicshame is connected to unaddressed memories andtrauma emotional disturbances and the inability tofunction normally we may benefit most from professionalhelp
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love ofGod and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with yousup1⁶
straining toward what is ahead I press onhelliprdquo sup1⁴
Toxic shame can be a choice The past cannot change why wastetime on it Today and tomorrow with the Difference Maker in thelead we have the opportunity to follow his plan of escape from self-defeating thoughts and live a different kind of life
Godrsquos promise is that no shadow of shame will darken our faces ifwe look to himsup1⁵ Read the book of John as you begin orstrengthen your walk with God
35
Prayer to the Difference Maker
ldquohellipmany are saying of my soul
lsquoThere is no salvation for him in Godrsquo
But you O LORD
are a shield about me my glory
and the lifter of my headrdquo
Psalm 32-4 (ESV)
Practical Exercise 3 Examine the Evidence
If
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes toone of the questionson the left you havea new day in thecourt of your mindCheck out thecorresponding linkson the right
37
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Prison- no parole
Next secure your release
38
4Self-loathing
Mr Negative self-
talk destroys
identities and
paralyzes dreams
Period That is all
he does
Mr Self-loathing blinds us to thewonderful mysteries of otherpeople by laser-beam focusinginward In public we worry if weare coming across okay In privatewe wonder what others think aboutus
When we do not believe in ouraptitude personality or lovabilitywe miss out on the love others tryto extend Compliments upset us
Some thoughts Irsquom not good enough No one can love meIrsquom too old or young too fat or thin too uneducated or
inexperienced too introverted or boisterous Irsquom always too much and too little Ugly Idiot Trouble
Thats me I am a mistake
Mr Self-loathing is in the ldquoIrdquo business He sells I-should-not be
me and I-should-have-done-better His top sales manager MsSense of Worthlessness invented Irsquom not-as-good-as-so-n-so andIrsquom-sorry-for-everything Their chief of business communicationsolrsquo Negative Self-talk specializes in I am a loser of every typeimaginable
39
because in our minds they cannotpossibly be true We believepeople are only placating us forwhat purpose we do not knowMiniscule mistakes blare I canrsquotget anything right
Loathing is a strong term andappropriate for this self-debasingthinking As a thought habit itresponds well to Practical Exercise1
If we buy the goods Ms Sense ofWorthlessness sells self-loathing
goes public She excels at over-apologizing One of her favorites isldquoOh excuse merdquo (even though you nearly knocked me onto mykeester and two pounds of chocolate chips ripped open in front ofmy three very young children who now look like foraging raccoonsBut hey Irsquom sorry- to you- who is long gone)
Another favorite is ldquoIrsquom sorry to bother yourdquo (though you said I amnot bothering you a minute ago and each time I have walked intoyour office since you hired me you have said the same)
She also encourages her customers to say I am sorry with bodylanguage when nothing out of the ordinary has occurred
Maybe we rationalize apologies as nice polite or sympatheticUnfortunately unnecessary and excessive apologizing generallyframes us as untrustworthy and weak even if we are not thosethings The practice works against us
40
Mr Negative Self-talk destroys identities and paralyzes dreamsPeriod That is all he does His attacks against our wellbeing are oldvoices thoughts and beliefs playing on a loop each geared towardthe abuse and vandalization of our minds bodies and spirits
One meme says ldquoIf a friend speaks to you the way you speak toyourself how long will you be friendsrdquo Well what if a friend talksabout herself using thoughts you hold against yourself how longbefore you try to reassure her
Baggage and Beliefs
Some of our baggage is based on negative false core beliefs usuallyadopted in childhood Three steps form a belief
bull A significant person to us one in authority or someone we trustor admire sends or affirms a message positive or negativethrough speech or actions
bull Our experience must support that message whether byperception or reality
bull Then we must repeat the message to ourselves
For instance a teacher says ldquoYou are weak at mathrdquo On the nextexam you miss some equations This experience might become yourldquoevidencerdquo of weakness in math By repeating to yourself Irsquomterrible at math you affix the belief
Negative false core beliefs often buried deep inside and out ofsight strongly affect our decisions even when we are unaware
Jeff is not introspective and tends to go about his business with anair of certainty However he turns down promotions and lately
41
His dad had been promoted severaltimes within the company for whichhe worked most of his life At an olderage he was fired and replaced by ayounger man who earned less Thishappened when Jeff was a teenagerand he heard an earful as his dadblamed the bosses the ldquosystemrdquo andbad luck
Jeff picked up on the message that nomatter how hard one tries gettingahead will result in financial disasteranyway Throughout his life hegathered evidence of injusticesupporting this message Hemumbled ldquoThatrsquos the way it isrdquo untilhe no longer had to be aware of it tobase his life around it
Uncovering this core belief changedhis attitude He took time to challengethe old fear with evidence to thecontrary
42
A
message
Experience
backs it up
We repeat
the
message to
ourselves
anger rises when the manager asks him to take on more leadershipresponsibility
Jeffrsquos wife suggests he begin to question for the first time if there ismore behind these decisions Starting with the Difference Makerhe asks for help
Beliefs Baggage
Whether he accepts a promotion is not the point He is his ownman free to make decisions about his future without an underlyingfear of loss undermining his goals
Any one of us may have our sense of identity buried under moundsof such beliefs I am stupid I am annoying No one can truly loveme I do not belong herehellip and on and on it goes We watch ourdreams float past like clouds and mutter ldquoI canrsquot I am not enoughrdquo
Another point of view
Self-loathing a sense of worthlessness and negative self-talk may
Godrsquos
Thoughts
Our
Thoughts
be familiar and oddly comforting Perhaps this ishow someone significant to us treats us Maybe itis all we have known No matter how the put-downs started God wants to change our thinking
He highly values us He created people in hisimagesup1 He made humans but a little lower thanhimselfsup2
These facts do not make us little gods he alone isGod He said ldquoMy thoughts are nothing like yourthoughts and my ways are far beyond anythingyou could imaginerdquosup3
By questioning our worth are we not assuminghis thoughts are the lower ones We curse onehuman being who is made in Godrsquos likeness andoften harshly judge others who remind us ofourselves⁴
43
Take in the Difference Makerrsquos messages
I am whole as Godrsquos artFor I am Godrsquos handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do goodworks which he prepared in advance for me to do ⁵
He created my inmost being he knit me together in my motherrsquoswomb⁶
I am whole because I am newThis means that I who belong to Christ have become a new personMy old life is gone a new life has begun⁷
Because of the LORDrsquos great love I am not consumed for hiscompassions never fail They are new every morning Great is Godrsquosfaithfulness ⁸
God does not make mistakes therefore I matter God loves me with an unending love therefore I am lovable
I am human with strengths and weaknesses like everyone therefore I am as valuable
There is purpose for my life therefore I will make a differenceI am who God says I am therefore I have a unique identity
44
Taking Godrsquos point of view to heart is to embrace grace thatmysterious and priceless gift of Godrsquos favor and blessing that no onecan earn
45
I belong because I am Godrsquos childSee what great love the Father has lavished on me that I should becalled a child of God And that is what I am ⁹
I belong and am a friend of JesusI am friends with the Lord and Savior Yes Abraham believedGodhellip and he was called a friend of Godsup1⁰
He calls me friend for everything that he has learned from theFather he has made known to mesup1sup1
I am secureThough my father and mother forsake me the LORD will receivemesup1sup2
I am one of Good Shepherdrsquos sheep and I listen to his voice Heknows me and I follow him He gives me eternal life and I willnever perish No one can snatch me away for the Father is morepowerful than anyone else No one can snatch me from the Fatherrsquoshandsup1sup3
I am strong when I am weakChristrsquos grace is all I need His power works best in myweakness So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so thatthe power of Christ can work through mesup1⁴
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Thank you for making me so
wonderfully complex Your
workmanship is marvelous -
how well I know it
Psalm 13914
Practical Exercise 4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a game somethingwith a little challenge in it to help make a thought exchange So Imade one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Word-Swap
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automatically
speak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourself
names Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckhellipExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friendhellip
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might makeyou cringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
47
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look about youand write down all you have accomplished in the last 24 hours (Youread this page right That is one) No matter how small you think theaccomplishment it is evidence to the contrary of never do anythingright
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved ones tomarketers to abusers messages given us as children and older cancome from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable of realisticinsight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged false negative corebeliefs of their own Are they suggestible and reactionary with theiremotions Are they knowledgeable and wise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
48
Next test messages and messengers
5Extreme
Conclusions How I feel in this moment is how I will always feel No
one is trustworthy If the result will be perfect Irsquoll do it if not I wonrsquot try God only helps those who help themselves
Irsquoll make sure you are happy Irsquoll sleep when Irsquom dead I always do what is right and you never do If I do not get
this new job Irsquoll have to go back to the old one
Extreme conclusions are mental
destinations We travel there via trains ofthought Four main engines pull separate linesof cargo cars loaded with random thoughtsand assumptions These engines are calledBlack-and-white All-or-nothing Either-orand Pass-fail
Extreme conclusions are depressive whenexpectations are not met For example in thesports world winning is everything If an
Disclaimer Absolute truths exist as expressedthroughout this book that is not the topic here
Pass-fail
athlete with a pass-fail mindset loses the athletersquos sense of personalvalue may hang on the scoreboard
49
Primarily this mindsetjudges By dissecting life andboxing it in with manmaderules it labels situationspeople ideas emotions andeven God as all good or all
bad
Unwanted or disagreeable
Throughout a lifetime gray areas or for the sake of this chapter themiddle track is where most decisions are made We want to land atreasonable conclusions Listening learning compromising makingfair judgments and extending mercy swiftly carry us to that moresatisfying place
Once there we find closer relationships higher self-esteemforgiveness and honesty
It is imperative our thoughts ride the middle rails Outside of thatwe lose sight of options We wind up lost in Extreme Conclusionsour minds closed
Black-and-white (judgmental)
Black-and-white thinking is themonster truck of thought enginesthe gold medalist in conveyingundecipherable messages to ourbrain at speeds so fast that we areat Extreme Conclusions wellbefore we have had a chance to reconsider
50
ideas and emotions are stored out of reach and dismissed
Jesus lived in the gray Violently against hypocricy and manmadereligious laws and passionate about his Father he taught atransformative love
Do not judgesup1 open your eyes and arms to the strangersup2 and sharewith those in needsup3 he preached Greet people who are not yourpeople⁴ pray for your enemies⁵ and do to others as you wouldwant them to do to you⁶
He was radical then and still is It was against religious rules to doany work on the Sabbath yet Jesus healed people and allowed hishungry disciples to pick grain on holy days He lifted women to ahigher plane speaking to them directly and treating them with thesame respect he offered men He welcomed women to choosediscipleship Love and decency shown to the poor and sociallydespised became a hallmark of his ministry
He was not so patient with religious hypocrites
Jesus told a now-famous parable⁷ about extreme conclusions of theself-righteous black-and-white variety and their opposite
A man of a certain race and creed was beaten by robbers and left todie Two people of the same race and creed saw him lying there andignored him
Why He was inconvenient They had work to finish and religiousrules to follow Touching a dead man back then would make themceremonially unclean for seven days⁸ They would not take thechance
51
A third man came along this time of a race andcreed that shared a long-standing animositytoward the people of the robbed man Normallythese two populations did not interact or eventouch some of the same items
Social norms did not cause this third passer-by tohesitate He saw only human need and rushed tothe aid of a person dying by the side of the roadInstead of us versus them he chose middleground
He saw
only
human
need and
rushed to
the aid of
a person
dying by
the side of
the roadInstead of
us versus
them he
chose
middle
ground
He cleaned the manrsquoswounds with oil andwine bandaged hislacerations and tookhim to an inn where theowner agreed to watchover his recovery Thekind stranger paid forroom and boardpromised to check backand left to go about hisbusiness
Black and whitejudgments often have
52
nothing to do with love The Difference Makerreminds us that he holds all knowledge and weknow but part⁹ Blinded to a log in our eyes wewill hurt people by attempting speck-removalsurgery on theirssup1⁰
ldquoMake sure that the light you think you have is not actuallydarkness If you are filled with light with no dark corners then yourwhole life will be radiant as though a floodlight were filling youwith lightrdquosup1⁰∙⁵
All-or-nothing (misdirected drive)
All-or-nothing is 101 investment in a single area of life to theexclusion of all else It is a one-track train of thought
state of constant motion stress and guilt
Whatever consumes our priorities and imagination vital momentsand relationships that make life worthwhile wilt in the cabooseDepression is an unsurprising pay-off as are heart attacks Balanceis in the middle
Common modern misdirected drives such as the love of money andcontrol over onersquos destiny are also ancient
A rich young mansup1sup1 clearly spiritually sensitive approached JesusldquoI have carefully followed all the ten commandmentsrdquo he saidldquoWhat else must I do to earn eternal liferdquo
With love Jesus offered a shocking plan He suggested the man sellhis possessions and give the money to the poor This ran far deeper
Be it work education legacyfame power pursuit of moneyor anything else an all-or-nothingmindset mimics tyrannythreatening to stop us altogetherunless we remain in a deplorable
53
than asking for a donation Jesusrsquo intentions appear less aboutsacrificial giving than faith
One sect of religious teachers at the time commonly taught thatwealth proved Godrsquos approval and was a likely ticket to heaven ifheaven existed The young man went away sad and this falseteaching may be part of the reason His question had been aboutobeying rules Jesusrsquo answer challenged him to lsquobreakrsquo one of theso-called rules that provided comfort
Driven to earn more collect more and reassure himself he missedeverything he had been looking for He was afraid of losing statushis hope of salvation by a means other than Jesus
heaven what hope was there for the poor For them Theyasked ldquoWho then can be savedrdquo
Jesus said ldquoWith man this is impossible but with God all thingsare possiblerdquo In one sentence he negated the notion that anythingbut Godrsquos grace can usher people into eternal life
All-or-nothing thinking potentially affects us in any area Jesussaid ldquoNo one can serve two masters For you will hate one and lovethe other you will be devoted to one and despise the otherrdquosup1sup2
To his disciples who witnessed thisexchange Jesus said ldquoIt is easierfor a camel to go through the eye ofa needle than for a rich person toenter the kingdom of Godrdquo
They were naturally astounded atthis unfamiliar teaching If it wereimpossible for the rich to enter
54
A popular heresy is the ldquoprosperity gospelrdquo promising gulliblepeople that God wants them rich Lest there be any doubt Paulexplains this topic in a letter to the young pastor Timothy
ldquoThese are the things you are to teach and insist on If anyoneteaches otherwise and does not agree to the sound instruction of ourLord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching they are conceited andunderstand nothing They have an unhealthy interest incontroversies and quarrels about words that result in envy strifemalicious talk evil suspicions and constant friction between peopleof corrupt mind who have been robbed of the truth and who thinkthat godliness is a means to financial gain
ldquoBut godliness with contentment is great gain For we broughtnothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it But if wehave food and clothing we will be content with that Those whowant to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into manyfoolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin anddestruction For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil Somepeople eager for money have wandered from the faith and piercedthemselves with many griefshellip
ldquoCommand those who are rich in this present world not to bearrogant nor to put their hope in wealth which is so uncertain butto put their hope in God who richly provides us with everything forour enjoyment Command them to do good to be rich in gooddeeds and to be generous and willing to share In this way they willlay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the comingage so that they may take hold of the life that is truly liferdquo
1 Timothy 63-19niv
55
Either-or (limited vision)
when he applied for work on the railroad in 1944 He was tooyoung Extreme conclusions told him it was useless to try againalthough the original dream never died
It is easy to look at William and think he could have tried hardernonetheless what about us Have we given up dreaming Are westaying in abusive relationships because we cannot see a way outHave we denied ourselves recovery because it seems impossibleDo we accept mental health struggles with an ldquooh wellrdquo shrug andbalk at seeking help
Do we worship the all-powerful all-knowing always-loving ldquoGodwith usrdquosup1sup3 or keep our distance for fear he will ruin our lives
Maybe we hide behind either-or too
Train tracks mechanically move at what are aptly called switchesRailyards have complex systems allowing engines with or withoutcars to completely reverse and travel the opposite direction
Either-or narrows ourvision to only two possiblechoices It leaves no spacefor fresh solutions Livingin this mindset isdepressive becausewhatever we want outsideof these limited options islocked out of consideration
William was turned down
56
What if God plans to conduct me through the impossible
What if his strength is enough for me to try something new
What if his wisdom will guide me safely away from repeated effortsthat have never worked and into freedom
What if I survive What if I can start over What if
Maryrsquos and Martharsquos brother Lazarus was severely illsup1⁴ Worriedthe sisters sent an urgent message to Jesus Please come
His reaction is still jolting
Lazarus died To many Jesusrsquo slowness did not look like concernenough
Martha ran to meet him as he arrived at town She said ldquoIf you hadonly been here my brother would not have diedrdquo
ldquoNow Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus Sowhen he heard that Lazarus was sick he stayed where hewas two more dayshelliprdquo (italics mine)
Switches are a massive undertaking andan engineering marvel
In what we may appropriately callanother marvel the Difference Makerwillingly switches at any time our one-track thoughts If we allow Godrsquospossibilities to override our either-orfaith asks a positive ldquowhat ifrdquo
57
Mary slumped at his feet tortured by the same thought ldquoLord ifyou had been herehelliprdquo Visitors who had come to grieve with Marthaand Mary mumbled ldquoHe could have saved Lazarusrsquo lifehelliprdquo
Deeply impassioned by the lack of faith around himsup1⁵ Jesuswalked to a small cave covered by a stone It was Lazarusrsquo graveldquoMove the stonerdquo he said
ldquoBut Lordrdquo said Martha ldquoBy this time there is a bad odor for hehas been there four daysrdquo
Lazarusrsquo sisters were stuck in either-or thinking partially due to thesociety in which they grew up Among the many false religiousteachings of their day it was believed that the soul left the bodypermanently after three days
The stone out of the way Jesus called in a loud voice ldquoLazaruscome outrdquo
Lazarus emerged from the dark caveinto daylight Jesus said ldquoTake offhis grave clothes and let him gordquo
No one had expected this No onedreamed that Jesusrsquo love includedthe inexplicable
No one had
expected
this
Four days after death meant no more hopefor miracles Either Jesus had come quicklyor it was too late Either Jesus had raisedLazarus a day earlier or it was impossibleeven for him
58
The disciples had heard him say earlier that Lazarus would live Hehad informed Martha also that Lazarus would be raised Yet thatwas not enough for them to understand and believesup1⁶
Jesus wept with Mary and Martha yearning to increase their faithHe was glad to see many of the witnesses finally set aside theirdoubts
The resurrection of Lazarus was significant for another reasonWhen powerful religious leaders heard about this miracle theirsomewhat paranoid ideas about Jesus and how many people wereturning to him increased They convened as a unit to plot Jesusrsquomurder not admitting they had no power to kill him outside ofGodrsquos timing
Ultimately by waiting to answer the sistersrsquo desperate plea thecompletion of Christ Jesusrsquo great mission took place voluntarilypaying the bloody price for our sins and coming back from deathThrough the experience of Lazarus he had left his followers withproof of his power to restore life no matter the odds
The death Lazarus endured was never in vain God who exists intimelessness knew precisely what everyone needed most They sawsuffering he saw the unfolding of his perfect plan They grieved theend of a life he rejoiced at the beginning of eternal life for all whowould trust in him completely
The Difference Makerworks miracles farbeyond either-or
59
60
A pass-or-fail train of thought is brutal Without mercy itdemands an accounting for every mistake Do not think it rewardswise choices No this train is on to the next opportunity to runover its victim Most often that is you
Olivetrsquos goal is to find a job in a new career Measuring her successby using a scale of 1-100 she gives herself a 30 for returning toschool as an older adult Finishing with an Associatersquos degree sheadds another 30 She finds it difficult to land a job Does this dropher back to zero
Pass-or-fail thinking takes such a punch and does not rise All thiseffort has been a waste of time
Mercy accepts realityrsquos middles Is stamina in Olivetrsquos job searchworth 20 She counts her successful steps Already she is at 80and not yet hired
Is anything more emotionallyself-punishing than to measureourselves against an impossiblestandard The psalmist wroteldquoEven perfection has itslimitshelliprdquosup1⁷
Pass-or-fail (merciless)
Unemployed Olivet might look like a loserto some Not to God ldquoPeople judge by theoutward appearance but the Lord looks atthe heartsup1⁸
61
One of Jesusrsquo closest friends Peter was an emotional man withgood intentions and quick impulses Words tended to leap from hismouth before careful thought
He opened his mouth one time too many Only hours before Jesuswas arrested on trumped-up charges Peter vowed his allegiancesaying ldquoEven if I have to die with you I will never deny yourdquosup1⁹
Jesus said ldquoPeter before morning by the time a rooster crowstwice you will have already denied me three timesrdquo
A crowd of men armed with swords and clubs took Jesus intocustody in the middle of the night His disciples scattered in fearPeter had enough courage to follow Jesus to the trial albeit fromfar behind He found himself hiding near a campfire with guardsand others who had been at the arrestsup2⁰
A servant girl recognized him ldquoYou were one of those with Jesusrdquo
Peter answered for all those around the fire to hear ldquoI donrsquot knowwhat yoursquore talking aboutrdquo
A rooster crowed in the background
As the rumor traveled people staredA voice spoke from the shadows ldquoHeis one of themrdquo
Panicking Peter said ldquoI swear I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Other bystanders confronted him
ldquoYou must be one of his followers Youraccent gives you awayrdquo
rooster crows Agonizing shame stabbed at his heart andbeleaguered his mind You will deny me three times before therooster crows twice Bolting from that place Peter wept bitterly
If life is a pass-fail test with God Peter failed At the mostimportant moment in history he crumbled That is not the end ofPeterrsquos story
Jesus was crucified Three days later after Jesus rose to life Peterraced with all his might to the grave to see if this report weretruesup2sup1 I imagine he had never dreamed of a second chance
Jesus showed himself to the disciples several times over the nextforty days One morning as he sat with seven of them Jesus saidto Peter ldquoDo you love me more than theserdquosup2sup2
American English is limited in that we use one word for loverelying on inflection and context to fill-in-the-blanks The ancientlanguages of the Bible were more specific Jesus was asking ldquoDoyou love me dearly more than these other disciples do Do youlove me now with total commitment and devotionrdquo
62
If life is a pass-
fail test with
God Peter
failed
ldquoA curse on me if Irsquom lying I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Immediately the rooster crowedagain
Before the rooster crows Before the
Having once said he would not deny Jesus even if everyone elsedid Peterrsquos pride was tested Understanding clearly that the Lordknew him better than he knew himself he may have been afraid toanswer Perhaps he doubted his capability to love like he had beencertain he could
He said ldquoYou know that I love You with a deep personal affectionas for a close friendrdquo
ldquoThen feed my lambsrdquo Jesus told him restoring Peter to hispreaching and teaching ministry
Jesus repeated the question ldquoSimon son of John (as Peter was alsoknown) do you love me dearly more than these others do withtotal commitment and devotionrdquo
Peter stood by his original friend-type answer
ldquoThen take care of my sheeprdquo
Suddenly Jesus changed his question ldquoPeter do you love me witha deep personal affection as for a close friendrdquo
It is almost as if Jesus were questioning Peterrsquos truth-telling but doyou really Perhaps this is how Peter heard it Still torn up byshame and self-doubt his reply was emphatic ldquoYou knoweverythingrdquo
Jesus assured him in a perplexing way ldquoWhen you grow old youwill stretch out your hands and arms and someone else will dressyou and carry you where you do not wish to gordquo
63
To Peter this dire news meant that he would one day be the manhe wanted to become Unafraid to love Jesus with his whole hearthe would stare martyrdom in the eye and courageously accept thecost of following the Messiah
One can almost feel the relief that swept over Peterrsquos body makinghis arms limp and body sag Although scripture does not tell us Iimagine Peter weeping again this time in gratitude and relief
Jesus said ldquoFollow merdquo
Three years earlier Jesus had called to Peter to follow him theoriginal language meaning ldquoCome hererdquo Peter had enthusiasticallybecome a believer and devotee Why say it again
This time the word follow was an invitation to walk the same pathJesus had walked Peter had a quality decision to make He wasforgiven and grace welcomed him back Would he accept
Later Peter faced the council that had condemned Jesus to die Thiswas said of him ldquoThe members of the council were amazed whenthey saw the boldness of Peterhelliprdquosup2sup3 Yes Peter accepted and so canwe Our failures or missteps do not determine our value
Paul reflected on why God houses his great power in humanbelievers calling us ldquofragile clay jarsrdquosup2⁴
Fragility with clay feet like Peterrsquos helps to keep us from theextreme conclusion that we are wiser than God becoming big-shotsforgetting that all good and perfect gifts are from the DifferenceMakersup2⁵ who loves us with an everlasting love
64
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord Irsquom standing at the crossroads
and looking asking for the ancient
paths asking where the good way is
so I can walk in it You promise it is
there that I will find rest for my soul
Guide me Lord Amen
Based on Jeremiah 616
66
Practical Exercise 5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
67
Keep
working
68
Next know when to say yes for a most-fulfilling life
Knowing what is of utmostimportance to you will helpprevent misdirected drive
1 Take time to list all yourcurrent obligations This willinclude family friends jobfinancial expenditures physicalhealth mental health spiritualgoals what God has asked ofyou and anything that youmust finish
2 Look realistically at theabove Is there anything thatdoes not fit within your daily
availability finances emotionalenergy or physical capabilities
3 Is there anything you canremove from this list Ask forGodrsquos wisdom
What remains are your yesses
With rare exceptions everythingelse is a no Each time you agreeto secondary activities expensesor obligations you are trading-in and saying no to something(or someone) you more highlyvalue
Making new
obligations
copyNancy Virden 2012
Popularity spending
more money
entertainmenthellip
6Hopelessness
Some thoughts No win is possible Nothing can improve These losses are too heavy with only more to come God
cannot stand me anymore My family is better off without me I am a burden Everyone else is happier I cannot
fight the pain anymore Irsquom done
True hopelessness has no sense of humor It is scary and
overbearing on each minute of the day It is not somewhat hopefullike when a possibility is unlikely it is devoid of any expectationsfor good now or in the future Abject hopelessness can be fatal
This fact drives the passion behind me and many ministries andservices trying to spread another message what seems like an endis a faccedilade fakery 0ptions are only hidden in the darkness hope isalways present even when we temporarily cannot see it
If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is call
Nothing in this book is to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care
US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis text line- Text ldquoHELLOrdquo to 741-741
For other international hotlines go here
If you are suicidal with a plan immediately call 911 in the US (112 in the
EU) or go to your nearest emergency room
69
The Real
I am a suicide attempt survivor One cannot climb out of that airlesspit without having learned new ways to breathe
Only a few days after leaving the hospital I attended the PartialHospitalization Program (PHP) suggested by my doctors There apotent weapon to use against suicidal thoughts came from anunlikely source
The scene was a small room intended for about fifteen peoplecrowded instead with twenty-five or more who were scrambling forchairs A few chatting voices exposed the general climate ldquoImheaded for rehab I just got back Im going to lose my job if Imiss any more workldquo
Most of us stared silently A single therapist managed to find spaceand called everyone to quiet
At his leading one by one people offered a number between 1-5rating the power of their suicidal thoughts Most chose 2 or 3 A fewof us with higher numbers were challenged to offer specific plansfor staying safe until the next day One man was sent back to thehospital
Then a woman spoke quietly A thought is just a thought I guesswe do not have to act on itldquo
I was stunned Her simple logic sounded profound to a braintangled in disorder and raging mood swings A thought ishellip only athought I tried to sort it out But how I feel now is how I willalways feelhellip
70
it differently but Iwill try to offer aglimpse into thatdark space
Alone in a pitch-black alley youcollapse to theground soundless
Unless you have been there it will be difficult to comprehend thegrueling emotions of a suicidal mindset Each person experiences
groans wrenching from deep within your torso
Thick briers and vipers pervade the trail that led you here Foryears you have navigated treacherous mountains of jagged rocksand falling boulders Your body is broken and bloodied
If you could or wanted to move the only way to continue yourjourney would be to grasp with ripped open hands the barbed wirefence by which you entered the alley place your torn feet on itsspikes and climb
Snarls in the blackness feel warm to your face A feral angry caninesnaps at you brushing your clothes with bared teeth Without fearyou sense it is a friend Its hungry jowls are only waiting for you todecide
As the only visible option outside of returning to the torture of whatcannot change the caninersquos guarantee is welcome hellip
Imagine then in that hopeless place hearing that the snarlingpromise is only a thought
71
The Difference Maker
It is the strangest thing When therapy started in 2011 I feltvulnerable like a toddler I could feel that inner child growing upto 6 10 then teen over the next months and years In my actualmid-fifties I declared my new 20 God gave me a chance toemotionally redo childhood safely this time while he re-parentedme with truth
What I had been so certain I could not live without never came tobe Some of the losses I feared have occurred Joy today comesfrom having rediscovered who our Creator intended me to becomePeace is from healing on the inside and finally having my hopewhere it belongs in the love of Jesus Christ
Pressure made it
nearly impossible
to breathe the
only air - leaking
from a cracked
sewer pipe
Marco was buried alive A wall of dirtand rock crashed over him forcinghis legs into a backward twist andlanding him head downwardPressure on his chest made it nearlyimpossible to breathe the only airavailable leaking from a crackedsewer pipe
The day passed as frantic rescueefforts continued Finally Marco waswhisked away to the nearest hospitalHe had been buried for eleven hours
Resulting physical disabilities make daily life challenging YetMarco has chosen contentment over bitterness Calm andcompassion have replaced old self-centered and impatient ways
72
The foundational extreme conclusion of hopelessness is thatnothing can change It may be true that our circumstances orrelationships will not change as we would like Perhaps it is we whocan change Maybe what we think we need for happiness is worthreconsidering
ldquoForget the former things do not dwell on the pastrdquo God saysldquoSee I am doing a new thing Now it springs up do you notperceive it I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in thewastelandsup1
My biggest leap toward a return to mental health was making awary deliberate decision to learn how to enjoy the life God gave tome Hope begins to appear when we choose to believe for it
The One who sees you
God loves you He cares about you He is not distant too busy ordistracted The LORD is close to the brokenheartedsup2 He whowatches over you will not slumbersup3
Hagar⁴ as an Egyptian slave pregnant and in a contentiousrelationship with the woman she served had run out of optionsShe ran away into the desert where the angel of the Lord met her
He said God was aware of her misery He promised she was havinga son who would be as free as a wild donkey⁴∙⁵ and the father ofmany nations
No doubt she carried deep longing for any future children to be freefrom slavery Reassured of her own future too she said ldquoYou arethe God who sees merdquo
73
As you walk secret trails through unwanted memories of shameand torment and you believe you are a waste of skin there isOne who knows you completely and loves
Overwhelmed in a desert of grief and questions seeing only moreloss in your tomorrows there is One who weeps with you whostands with you in broken-heartedness
He loves the child once so battered by other peoples sins He lovesthe adult in need of rescue from your own sins He sent his Son forboth and offers salvation and healing to each part of you
So when you believe there is no hope for change and everyonewill be better off without you there is One who sees hears knowsand loves
Go ahead ask him to meet you where you are He is the only Onewith the power to guide you through the next minute hour dayand year Reach out to Almighty God your Difference Maker
In your alley of hopelessness alonewhen fear of staying alive swampsyour mind and suicide seems theonly way out there is One who seesyou
Buried alive under mounds ofdespair and emptiness lying in thedark corner of a lifeless roomthere is One who hears your silentscreams and understands what youcannot speak
74
Dear child of God you are not failing him
which can come with depression From fellowship topersonal Bible study to a sense of Godrsquos love it was all missing
Of course at the time I had no idea of a physical cause for thisspiritual struggle It seemed my fault Abject lonelinesshopelessness a sense of worthlessness and guilt were what I knewPain Sorrow Torment Repeat
Occasional one-word whispered prayers lifted from my bed I criedfor what seemed like the absence of God
Then I saw Jesus There he stood in a mental picture a gift fromheaven He did not speak chase suffering away or take me to bewith him Unfelt he was only there with me in the dark I knewChrist Jesus never left
Relearning how to think resolving terrible situations physicalhealing of the brain these take a while God never walks away⁵His promises keep⁶ His love endures forever ⁷
Without a doubt the most significant lossand cause of grief as I struggled with severedepression was the inability to hear Godrsquosvoice I feared he would never speak to meagain that I had gone too far I feltspiritually dead
It was not true How can one be spirituallydead and care about it Typical experiencesaccompanying my Christian faith were outof reach due to cognitive and energy issuesand anxiety
75
1 Empathy2 Impulse Control3 Self-knowing Awareness
and Insight4 Fear Modulation5 Body Regulation6 Intuition7 Morality8 Emotion Regulation
1 Fear Processing2 Initiates the Fight Flight or
Freeze Response3 Emotional Learning4 Form Memories Related to
Intense Emotions Like Fear and Pleasure
5 Involved in Experiencing Anxiety
6 Reward ProcessingFigure 1
F U N C T I O N S
F U N C T I O N S
A few scientific facts (simplified so I can understand them) mayhelp clarify why spiritual vagueness might accompany depressionor anxiety
During an episode with depression the prefrontal cortex of ourbrain wrestles to varying degrees to function as normal Scans haveshown little activity there in a person with severe depressionResults may include impaired concentration confusion increasedimpulsivity mood swings heightened anxiety and a state offatigue
Our amygdala is also on overdrive so we are thrust into fightflight or freeze survival mode We may lose our ability to feelanything good
76
When a delivery is made to a wrong address everything in thepackage exists in full but is unavailable to the rightful owner Inthe same way while we are dealing with depression the advice torest in Godrsquos love know his joy and fill our minds with his peacelands at the wrong doorstep We have faith nevertheless there isno felt connection to him We do not experience God or lovingGod
With input running through this filter we may believe we arespiritual failures I am not good enough for God hersquos tired of meministry is over These thoughts are untrue and not how Godviews his dear children
Scripture shares testimonies of God meeting people at their pointsof need without chiding them Accounts of faith riding outdepression⁸ comfort after sorrow⁹ protection during panicsup1⁰good news calming anxietysup1sup1 and trust during hopelesssituationssup1sup2 are numerous In Elijahrsquos story alone we have abeautiful example of Godrsquos tenderness toward a deeply depressed
prophet who struggled with suicidal thoughtssup1sup3
your thoughts comings and goings motives and emotionssup1⁴ Heknows your complete story
Our Creator understands how the brain works Is God who notices
By restricting mental health challenges tothe realm of the spiritual or to the moralwe disregard the body and mind aspects ofour complete person
Look at your whole self as God does Hesees you and knows your name He knows
77
every sparrow that falls unaware of your confusionsup1⁵ Hispromises to turn all things out for our good and to grow our faiththrough trials do not imply quick work Be patient with yourselfOne day at a time as you are ready God will reveal what he wantsyou to know
If you cannot feel him while severely depressed he has not goneanywhere You are not failing the Difference Maker byexperiencing the painful emotion of hopelessness
God gives us people
Proverbs 1814-16 was written by King Solomon a champion ofseeking wise counsel It reads ldquoThe human spirit can endure insickness but a crushed spirit who can bear The heart of thediscerning acquires knowledge for the ears of the wise seek it outrdquo
Ultimately it is your and my responsibility to save our lives andescape hopelessness Like a child trying to lift a rock twice her sizewe are not using all our available strength if we do not turn to onewho is able to assist
The Difference Maker can lead us to people he has gifted withknowledge and talent to help us with our specific needs
Family and friendsExpectations for support from family and friends might be a let-down Each of us only knows his own despondency and joysup1⁶
Just as we cannot fully understand how others feel or experiencelife loved ones and friends who genuinely care for our wellbeingdo not always know what to say or do when we express hopelessness
78
It is vital we understand this Otherwise in a fragile state we mightmisperceive their unhelpfulness or distance as lack of love
In their great fear of losing you or normalcy or withunsubstantiated guilt for your despair significant others may reactangrily in a controlling fashion or defensively Your calmestfriends might resort to platitudes and examples of when they weredepressed once and got over it quickly
Forgive them Tell them what you need Ask for what you need Letthem make mistakes We cannot mindread and presume to knowtheir motives either
Mental healthcare professionals
Most of us go to a mechanic to havesomeone with skill fix our car We wouldnot stay long if they started knitting newparts There is nothing helpful to gainfrom opinions without experience or
insight either
79
ldquoWalk with the wise and become wiserdquosup1⁷ Professional mentalhealth caretakers are available almost everywhere whether onlineover the phone or in person Licensing means they have receivedthe necessary training for walking people through uniquechallenges that present with mental illness personality and otherdisorders trauma addiction and relationship dynamics
Two terms frequently confused are psychiatrist and psychologistPsychiatrists are medical doctors (MD or DO) Like all medicalspecialists it is their job to assess symptoms and prescribe a course
80
of action Psychiatrists rarely offer psychotherapy (talk therapy)Office visits are usually about 15 minutes They prescribemedication based on revealed symptoms
Psychologists generally are talk therapists with a doctorate inpsychology (PsyDPhD) Sessions with clients typically run 50-60minutes These sessions may vary in style based on any givendoctorrsquos preferred approach Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)has statistically proven more effective for depression and anxietythan other therapy methods
Licensed therapists may practice within specialties such as traumaor addiction Common abbreviations you may have seen includeLMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist LPC (LicensedProfessional Counselor) LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)There are also LPAs (Licensed Psychological Associates) LifeCoach and Peer Support certificates do not include the advancedtraining required for most therapists unless the individual hassought those degrees as well
Christian counselors and pastorspriestsSome believers insist they must see a Christian counselor Thereare of course different perspectives to this
DW leads a ministry for pastors in need of mental health servicesHe said ldquoI would rather people see [a non-believer therapist] whoknows what he is doing than a Christian who does notrdquo
The titles Christian Counselor or Pastoral Counselor are not anautomatic assumption of extensive training Not everyone isequipped to use the Bible effectively for psychiatric or behavioralhealth issues
81
Because a woman advertised herself as a Christian counselor Iwent to see her Within three weeks I realized her version of faithwas the humanistic concept of a christ-within We are our ownsaviors and deity according to her No that is idolatry notauthentic Christian faith which acknowledges One God one Savior
Except for a single time I have sought licensed mental healthprofessionals who follow Jesus A secular psychiatrist was patientwith my faith until I mentioned hearing from God Then shethought I had lost touch with reality
Both the christ-within counselor and the psychiatrist were limitedbecause they could not understand the most important part of howI think Godrsquos Word is my guide honoring God is my highest goaland listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit is imperative
Your story is not over
Her tattoo seemed meaningless Whywould anyone want a semi-colon onher upper arm Years later I wear asemi-colon ring
As a punctuation mark the semi-colonis placed where a sentence could endbut the author decides to continue Forsuicide attempt survivors around theworld it is a symbol of choosing to liveout onersquos story after wanting to closethe book
Semi-colon commodities are shows of solidarity of hope and for
82
some a reminder We are making our stories known so you toowill realize that hopelessness does not define your futureRegardless of what you may feel hear us Your story is not over Itis time for a new chapter
Godrsquos plan for you
is not done
he has
much to show you
I am glad you are
alive God feels
that way about you
too
We found out it is
true our
lives are
not futile
Dear supports
Job (pronounced jobe) lived about 4000 years ago His story ispreserved in the Bible book titled with his namesup1⁸ Jobrsquosprosperity comfort and high standing role as judge and advisorwere unmatched
In one day Job lost about a third of his farm animals thousands ofthem to robbery and the rest about 7000 to fire Most of hisfarm hands were murdered by the robbers and his shepherds diedin the fire Only three men survived to tell Job what hadhappened
While Job reeled from this disastrous news a fourth man ran up
ldquoMasterrdquo the servant said ldquoyour sonrsquos house collapsed underpowerful winds All ten of your children were inside IhellipI am theonly survivorrdquo
Job sunk to the ground in a daze As was befitting such sadness inhis culture he shaved his head tore his clothes and sat in ashes
Soon he developed from head to toe a ldquoburning ulcerationrdquo of hisskin This illness commonly translated in the plural as boils issingular in the original Hebrew language in which it was recordedMost likely black leprosy swollen open sores turned all his skinblack and crusty until it eventually fell off Job scratched at intenseitching with a broken piece of pottery
His bones deteriorated Nightmares invaded his sleep Hestruggled to eat becoming gaunt and weak ldquoJust curse God anddierdquo his wife said in her own grief
83
People who used to look up to him now mocked him Young peopledared spit in his face The disease was contagious and incurable inJobrsquos time so even his servant responded only when Job begged Hewas humiliated and lonely
Stripped of everything three supports still managed to add to hissuffering
Jobrsquos friends came to visit as soon as they heard the news Shockedthey barely recognized him For seven days and nights they offeredthe kind of support we long for when feeling hopeless In silencethey sat nearby his suffering too great for words
Job spoke first Anguish poured from the pit in his belly Hequestioned the value of his life wondering why he had ever beenborn and why God would not let him die now
ldquoWhat I always feared has happened to me I have no rest onlytrouble comesrdquo he said
Immediately one agitated friend accused him of foolish talkdismissing his emotions as irrelevant compared to propriety
Each piled on
84
ldquoYou sound like a blustering windrdquo
ldquoListen God is doubtless punishing yourdquo
ldquoYour children must have sinned against him so their punishmentwas well deserved toordquo
Invalidation and judgment swallowed compassion whole Theycontinued their drivel ldquoWho are you to question Godrsquos wisdomYou need to be quiet and listen to us If you would only admit yoursin life would be happy againrdquo
In a cruel twist these arguments forced the one who was sufferingto defend his pain Instead of helping or comforting his friendsdragged fragile Job across the burning sands of rejectionfrustration and emotional abandonment
Dear supports learn from these men They were sorely wrong andGod said sosup1⁹
Why platitudes do not helpThe Great Physician and Counselor Jesus Christ heals with thethread of his Word He reaches for the darkest wounds in a humansoul and stitches them precisely and accurately one at a timeThere in the recesses the Word of God is counsel and lightsup2⁰
Three least helpful responses to someone feeling depressed orhopeless are anger and demand absence and fake cheeriness orplatitudes
Sharon inherited her childhood home and immediately tore downthe wall her mother used to bang her head against as a child
85
86
How can telling Sharon to forgive her mother take root if shame isall she has known Help her tear down the reminder wall first thenshe can stop staring at it and listen
Edward carries a full water bottle everywhere to subtly remindhimself he is not drowning when flashbacks threaten to send himinto a panic Why would the advice to have more faith encouragehim when he has never felt safe Give him water bottles first Asfear subsides he will hear the glad message
Aiesha carries a list of affirmations to read when her dadrsquosparalyzing voice creeps into her thoughts telling her she isworthless What will she do with promises of an identity in Christwhen she does not know what an identity is Fill Aiesharsquos emptylove tank first then her functioning heart can learn to see thedaughter God saw as he created her
Supports dare not try to rush the healing process by makingsomeone feel small and inadequate at feeling better Let us notdismiss the Difference Makerrsquos tender provision of patience andtiming
He has the wisdom and means to retrain a crippled thoughtprocess and belief system Meticulously and gently he cleans outand sews up layers of hurt and unhelpful thinking at a speed eachof his children can handle
Warning signs of suicide
From NIMHnihgovThe behaviors listed below may be signs that someone is thinkingabout suicide If these warning signs apply to you or someone youknow get help as soon as possible particularly if the behavior is newor has increased recently
Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill themselves Talking about feeling empty hopeless or having no reason to live Planning or looking for a way to kill themselves such as searching
for lethal methods online stockpiling pills or buying a gun Talking about great guilt or shame Showing despair or suicidal themes in original artwork or music Talking about feeling trapped or that there are no solutions Feeling unbearable pain (emotional pain or physical pain) Talking about being a burden to others Using alcohol or drugs more often Acting anxious or agitated Withdrawing from family and friends Changing eating andor sleeping habits Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge Taking great risks that could lead to death Displaying extreme mood swings from very sad to very calm
happy Giving away important possessions Saying goodbye to friends and family Putting affairs in order making a will
If you support a loved one or friend who struggles withhopelessness it is important to access resources andinformation Be prepared to support them well Gohere and here
87
Prayer to the Difference Maker
For the glory of your name
O Lord preserve my life
Because of your faithfulness
bring me out of this distress
Amen
Psalm 14311
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have the energy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeutic Even baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make your own
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that
Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list
Play music
Set the table
Take a shower
Sit with the family
Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today
Go for a walk with a person or your dog
Eat a healthy meal
Attend participate in a support group
Paint a picture or put a puzzle together
Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor
Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Practical Exercise 6 Live a little
89
Next allow hope
Think about your values as a guide Write downwhat is important to you and keep the list whereyou can see it Each day after you have a choicestick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
Lower your stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
For more ideas visit stress management here
90
Consider climbing these next few steps bottom to top in your search for professional help
If you are in crisis now do not wait Call 911 immediately or go toyour nearest emergency room
5 Feel free to switch You are doing
the hiring Find help not more confusion
1 Pray Ask the Difference Maker
to lead you to the right person Keep
praying even after you are in
sessions
4 Interview therapists Be specific
about what you need Ask a support to
do the interviewing for you if you are
not strong enough
3 Get recommendations for
therapists and doctors if possible
from believers of Jesus who have
received professional help Go here for
a reference page
2 Do not use stigma to
determine what method
of treatment will work
for you Listen to those
in-the-know
91
Envy secretly resents those who have what she wants Hence shecannot reflect the image of God who already owns everything Hehas no reason to envy
7Jealousy and Envy
Some thoughts Why canrsquot I have the family he does She has a dream job must be nice Hersquos had all the advantages I want my co-workerrsquos car Itrsquos not fair I want my wife here with me Who are these ldquofriendsrdquo he keeps talking about
Jealousy and Envy are notidentical Envy is the quiet sisterwhose eyes flit back and forthnever satisfied with who she isor what she has Hungry for theelusive she does not rememberher own blessings Her pursuitof happiness in a thing personor achievement focuses only onthe future
Twin sisters Jealousy and Envy are destructive to our
wellbeing They are intrusive obnoxious and interfere with ourpeace We do well to run the other way when we see these siblingscoming
92
The sister Jealousy robs people and atmospheres of joy Forinstance she might mumble ldquomust be nicerdquo if the object of herjealousy tries to share a happy story She complains bitterly
Jealousy acts possessively when someone she claims to loverefuses her control She makes threats and seeks vengeance Oftensuspicious energized by insecurity jealousy is nicknamed agreen-eyed monster for good reason
The Lord said this about himself ldquoDo not worship any othergod for the LORD whose name is Jealous is a jealous Godrdquosup1 Theword jealous in this verse in the original written language refersonly to God There is no resemblance to human jealousy which isseverely flawed
Godrsquos jealousy is holy He is jealous for us (not of us) because wegive our devotion to things that offer no hope He is not in a rivalryover our souls because he has no rival He is not jealous of anothergod because he is the Only True God He simply wants his people
to honor him to stay in the relationship
Unfortunately jealousy in the human form is unproductiveAccording to James ldquoWhere jealousy and selfish ambition existthere will be disorder and every vile practiceldquosup2 King Solomon alsowarned ldquoA heart at peace gives life to the body but envy rots thebonesldquosup3
Run for your life from the sisters
People are lost in the peripheral when we zero in on what theyhave Are we more drawn to the bling in a home or to the personwho invited us there
93
HumilityThe word humble means to dismiss self-reliance and become fully-dependent on God according to the original written language ofthe New Testament
Joe burned with anger so deep he thought it would kill him Hecried out to God for vengeance and relief from the cause of hispain The Holy Spirit nudged him toward humble willingnessFinally Joe prayed ldquoLord change merdquo
Do we hear what someone is saying or plot how to sound smarter
Are we glad for the friend who has what we want or do we sit backin bitterness
Jealousy and Envy isolate us emotionally keeping us too busycomparing to care Unable to give love fully we cannot receive it
either
Humility Willingness and Love are the Difference Makerrsquosbouncers ready to prevent thoughts of jealousy and envy fromovershadowing our joy
Like Joe humility takes responsibilityfor onersquos heart and refrains fromcasting blame everywhere else Joe washappy to discover his anger gonewithin a few days replaced by mercy
Humility gives us that freedom toexamine ourselves unafraid to setdenial aside Self-protection cannot
94
95
compare to Godrsquos great love Once aware of our need for mercy and his forgiveness we can offer it to others
Paul challenged his readers ldquoIn your relationships with oneanother have the same mindset as Christ Jesus Who being invery nature God did not consider equality with God something tobe used to his own advantage rather he made himself nothing bytaking the very nature of a servant being made in human likenessAnd being found in appearance as a man he humbled himself bybecoming obedient to death mdash even death on a crossrdquo⁴
Willingness is slippery It can be emotional and reactionaryreluctant and resigned or surrendered and devoted Willingness isproven by action
A man had two sons He went to the first and said ldquoSon go andwork today in the vineyardrdquo
ldquoI will notrdquo the boy answered Nonetheless he soon changed hismind and obeyed his father
The man went to his second son and requested he go to thevineyard to work This boy answered ldquoI will sirrdquo and never went
Jesus told the above parable⁵ to challenge stuffy holier-than-thoureligious leaders whose claims to know God were at odds with theirunacceptance of Godrsquos Son They were like the boy who said yesand did not follow through
Meanwhile societyrsquos unreligious outcasts were coming to JesusLike the first son they changed their minds and began doing whatthe heavenly Father asks of us
Love is described best in what many call The Love Chapter⁷ in theBible We learn first that love is kind Love celebrates with thosewho are glad and aches alongside people who are in sorrow⁸
We will never find the selfish sisters Jealousy and Envy trulysharing in a personrsquos joy Instead they smile and squeak out tersecongratulations while sincere love stands proud of theaccomplishments and blessings of others unafraid of their success
Neither do the sisters grieve for the sake of anotherrsquos heart Inworst case scenarios jealousy and envy are glad when people whoseem to have better lives suffer
Continuing with the definition of love we see it does not envy orboast it is not proud God said ldquoLet not the wise boast of theirwisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast oftheir riches but let the one who boasts boast about this that theyhave the understanding to know me that I am the LORD who
Thankfully the Difference Maker is working to change us from theinside-out to grow our willingness so we can join him in his goodpurposes⁶
96
exercises kindness justice and righteousness on earth for in theseI delightrdquo⁹
Love is not rude It respectfully honors others instead of focusing onselfish ambition Love always protects so gossip and assumptionsare not part of our conversations
Love is patient not easily angered It is not delighted with thefailings and miseries of people who do wrong so it does not compilebitter records Instead love trusts and hopes
Trust and hope are not the same as denial and duplicity Lovecelebrates all truth even uneasy truth Love perseveres but doesnot enable addiction abuse or other sins Real love is tough
Too often the term love is equated with sex or a temporary high ofdelight ldquoIf you love me yoursquoll sleep with merdquo is manipulative as isldquoif you make me happy I will love yourdquo These sentiments areproud dishonoring self-seeking unkind and unprotective
Love built on what is given to us or how someone makes us feelhas no foundation and teeters on whether we tire of the gifts andhow soon those warm fuzzy feelings wear off The love of God is notdependent on superficial beauty or favors His love never fails
Jesus said ldquoDo not love the world or anything in the world Ifanyone loves the world love for the Father is not in them Foreverything in the worldmdashthe lust of the flesh the lust of theeyes and the pride of lifemdashcomes not from the Father but from theworldrdquosup1⁰
Take those eyes off the world
97
Humility of attitude willingness to act and sincere love do notstare at what only might be
Picture a lawn overrun by weeds1 Humility realizes the lawn is not so beautiful and no bragging
rights are appropriate2 Willingness pulls the weeds3 It is love that kills the weedsrsquo roots and plants fresh seed
When those weeds growing in our thoughts are jealousy and envythe same principle applies
and lift toward heaven in gratitude for what God has so generouslygiven
Paul admitted ldquoAt one time we too were foolish disobedientdeceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures Welived in malice and envy being hated and hating one another Butwhen the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared he savedus not because of righteous things we had done but because of hismercyrdquosup1sup1
We have much for which to be thankful Gratitude is our escapefrom the sisters
The purveyor of love whose verynature is love the Difference Makerfills us with his perfect brand of loveWe lose the need to control or pursuepersons to drag love out of resistantrelationships or to chase after whatwe think might please us next Oureyes turn from what we do not have
98
100
Prayer to theDifference Maker
Thank You Jesus because you
died for everyone so that we
who receive your new life will
no longer live for ourselves I
want to be one who lives for
You Christ Jesus because You
died and were raised for me
Based on 2 Corinthians 15
100
Example Thought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social event learnto be a good friend Reach out to her in kindness
Do something of value to earn respect speak kindwords to and about him work on honest ways toimprove your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thank Godthose people are comfortable and not hungry orcold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to go outwith your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
Practical Exercise 7 Act Opposite
To keep jealousy and envy from overtaking your relationship withGod and thought life act opposite of how you feel Disappointmenttriggers jealous and envious thoughts What step can you take in theopposite direction
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Next do the amazing
What if you did something so shocking itamazes even you What if you went socounter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things
If you will do it this challenge will shake your world and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it more orto a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarranted criticismit is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of running woulda-if-onlyon a loop how about making the situation into a game
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
These ideas are radical Will you try
101
8Destructive Blame
Some thoughts My childhood was dysfunctional so I cannot succeed If it werent for so-n-
so I would be happy right now You make the decisions-it is your fault if I do not like them People make me lose my temper I will not trust God because church-goers
are hypocrites
Some thoughts My neighborrsquos dog bit me itrsquos my fault for
leaving the house My marriage might have worked if Irsquod done everything better My boss threw a clipboard
because I am a disappointment I should have been a better child and I would
not have been abused
Now we have met the sisters let me introduce the Destructive
brothers Blame and his other brother Blame These two arefishermen with strange styles
Blame 1 is a confused fishermanwho seems to miss the pointCasting generous portions ofblame in every direction it doesnot matter to him where itlands He does not fish with ahook It is not his intention tocatch anything that might endup back in his boat
102
Blame 1 had a difficult past and it is fair to empathize with thatHowever he will not review options He refuses to accept his powerto change His style of fishing is best described as cast cast andcast
Blame 2 is quirkier still He owns a boat but it is so full of catchesthat it will no longer float So he swims grabs what he can anddrags it back to shore
Trouble is he does not catch healthy fish but rather the blame hisbrother is doling out Blame 2 collects it stores it and never castsany of it away His style of fishing is collect whatever floats
Blame 2 has also had a tough life It is appropriate to care about hispains However like his brother Blame 1 he is not very open tochange
While toxic shame does not let go of mistakes destructive blame isabout shifting responsibility
Casting Blame
Casting blame transfers responsibility anywhere except on personalpoor choices This is frequently blatantly obvious
A man questioned a tax consultant about concerns related to his2020 stimulus check from the government He had left his first wifeand children and started a new family Where was his secondcheck ldquoDoesnrsquot the President know I have another family to careforrdquo
The tax consultantrsquos reply was crisp ldquoYou alone are responsiblehelliprdquo
103
Tam came to town for a funeral and claimed to be low on cash Wewere strangers and seeing her plight I invited her stay in myhome for two to three days One week later with a days-longheadache and nerves already jumping over the edge I dropped heroff at the airport
Decades ago she had moved several states away from her familyOn her first visit in years she screamed obscenities at them overher phone for hours a day This was only a few feet from my homeoffice hence the headache She spread lies among her relatives tome to a mutual friend and to my pastor
What I heard was her avoiding responsibility Casting blame feelsgood in the moment because it instantly relieves shame andaccountability It is not sustainable
Casting blame
is an efficient
means of
skipping
guard duty
over onersquos
wellbeing
One reason casting blame is depressive isthat the blamer must work harder andharder at rationalizing or denyingpersonal mistakes and wrongdoingsDepression perhaps is no surprise when apattern of bold-face lying becomes tooheavy a load
Blame conveniently pushes the burden ofchange elsewhere A blamer can rest inthe familiarity of pain although it is theirchief complaint In this way castingblame is an efficient means of skippingguard duty over onersquos wellbeing
104
ldquoFools make fun of guilthelliprdquo King Solomon wrotesup1 John explains
ldquoIf we claim we have no sin we are only fooling ourselvesrdquosup2
Waiting for the world to adjust to our wishes shields us fromseeing flaws in our attitude and behavior This is what blame doesform a blinder around our minds until we are barely free tounderstand the truth
Like Blame 1 cannot leave his boat casting blame keeps us stuck
Blaming GodHigh School senior Jarrad sees himself as a class clownconsistently and excessively talking throughout his classes both in-person and online until everyone is laughing His online teachers
try muting him and he resorts to physical antics
With his screen darkened toother students Jarrad texts themduring class Finally theprincipal steps in with a warningstop it or earn suspension
Jarradrsquos behavior does notimprove One month later hereturns to class with moredisruptive hilarity often at theexpense of teachers
His parents are aware and havedealt with their son However they work all day and Jarrad shrugsoff their discipline Expulsion is the last resort What other optionsremain for the school
105
Jarradrsquos refusal to change his rebellious ways eventually bringsabout his separation from those who try to help The schoolsystem teachers principal and Jarradrsquos parents have notabandoned him While leaders give him multiple opportunities tomaintain his education Jarrad will not have it
God does not throw us away either We have the power to detachfrom him and his influence at great personal cost Our insistence onrebellion weakens the relationship and eventually separates usfrom him Our sins hide his face so that he will not hearsup3
All too often ldquoa personrsquos own foolishness leads to their ruin yettheir heart rages against the Lordrdquo said Solomon⁴ Blaming Godfor difficulties resulting from our poor decisions is futile⁵ Ourungodly desires (thoughts) entice and drag us into sinful acts If weallow sin to blossom and grow large in our life it gives birth todeath⁶ Relationships occupations reputations opportunities andlives are at risk
God disciplines us for our good⁷ Like a child who learned in theprincipalrsquos office not to throw an eraser at her teacher a secondtime (excuse me while I clear my throat) if it takes hardship to getour attention he will allow it This kind of pain is a blessingbecause in his patience he never stops calling us or loving us backto life Solomon wrote ldquoDo not be upset when he corrects you Forthe LORD corrects those he lovesrdquo⁸
Our choices affect other peopleJarradrsquos regular interruptions slow classes down affect theauthority of teachers and frustrate serious students His expulsionis in part for the sake of everyone elsersquos education
106
Godrsquos hand of discipline on our heads may be for the protectionand blessing of other people too Rebellion hurts our parentsrsquofeelings⁹ Acts of foolishness harm societysup1⁰
The commandments to not commit adultery murder steal andthe restsup1sup1 are summed up in ldquoLove your neighbor as yourselfrdquosup1sup2
Love does no harmsup1sup3
Our choices affect our blessingsIf I pray for you to be blessed I am asking God to show you hisdivine favor Blessed is often equated with happiness contentmentor joy
Jarrad is missing out on a good education that we all know wouldgrant him more options in the future In a similar way we take apass on the greatest blessings from heaven by choosing to focus ontemporary feel-good moments Selfishness never fulfills us
The Bible says ldquoBlessed are thosehelliprdquo bull who are poor in spirit (devoid of spiritual arrogance)bull who grievebull who are gentlebull who hunger and thirst for integrity purity and rightness of
thinkingbull who are mercifulbull who are the peacemakersbull who are persecuted for righteousness sakesup1⁴bull who are kind to the poorsup1⁵bull who are not offended by Jesussup1⁶bull whose disobedience is forgivenbull whose lives are lived in complete honestysup1⁷bull whose hope is in the Lord their Godsup1⁸
107
Our choices affect spiritual productivity and growthJesus compared himself to a grapevine God the Father to agardener and us to branches God prunes that is trims backspiritually healthy branches so they will produce even morespiritually healthy fruitsup1⁹
Sometimes this process stings although there is no fear ofcondemnationsup2⁰ God is developing in us in increasing measurehis loving practicessup2sup1
Like a tree or grapevine what we produce will prove our natureWe know Jarrad is not exemplifying personal honor or concern forothers If he allows God to change his thinking he will still struggleto win back peoplersquos trust and supportsup2sup2
Goodness
Trutha tree of life
saving lives
Patience
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Testimony
Spiritually healthy fruitsup2sup3
108
Our choices affect our eternal reward
The Olympics were a big deal in ancient Greece where they firstorganized the competition Winners received crowns made fromplants Of course these shriveled up quickly
Paul spoke of a crown that will notwither Comparing the games and victorycrowns to a spiritual race he said ldquoTheydo it to win a prize that will fade awaybut we do it for an eternal prizerdquosup2⁴
The crown of life is the reward that Godhas promised to those who love himsup2⁵Paul says ldquoI press on to reach the end
of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God throughChrist Jesus is calling usrdquosup2⁶
Bearing in mind all the self-destructive choices we make why dowe blame the Difference Maker when life does not meet ourexpectations
Collecting misdirected blame
Straight up let us admit that innumerable circumstances andconsequences causing our suffering are the fault of others Thisincludes terrible acts people commit against us and how we feelemotionally or physically at that moment
We develop false guilt by accepting accountability for events out ofour control Once an adult what we choose to take in is up to usWe are not helpless
109
A tyrannical boss catches every one of his personal assistantrsquosmistakes and invents a few too He enjoys verbally abusing Mari byberating and mocking her in front of other employees He does nothave to accept responsibility for his decisions gone wrong becauseof his convenient scape goat
Facing this each day creates an atmosphere in which Mari begins toquestion herself Maybe I am clumsy and nit-witted I did notremember to fetch the folder he demanded I misspelled a clientrsquosname
Often misdirected blame is dotted with just enough truth to makeit difficult to weed out
Mari did make a mistake TrueShe has made more than one mistake TrueShe is accused of other mistakes TrueShe is responsible for anything beyond her actual mistakes FalseShe blames herself for her bossrsquos discomfort This is false guilt
AbuseAbuse is taking advantage of someone who is physicallyemotionally psychologically intellectually or in some way unableto stop the abuse In Marirsquos case at first she is unable to stop theverbal abuse because she would lose her job
A woman like Mari who is beginning to believe she is worthy ofharsh reprimand needs some psychological support to recognizethe manipulative lies of her boss She is too full of self-doubt tomeaningfully stand up for herself
Every form of abuse is about power and control Abusers blame lie
110
111
and manipulate to gain and maintain control over their target Asconsummate actors their public appearance is misleading Ifcaught or accused they know how to cry or they cry because theyare not getting their way In religious settings they know thelanguage of the faith and will use it to sound repentant Apologiesare unspecific unless they parrot the accuser
HumiliationPutting down your partner Calling your partner names Constant criticisms Making your partner feel like they are crazy or guilty Humiliating your partner in front of people Embarrassing your partner
Power and
Control
IntimidationYelling or screaming Using a threatening tone Talking down Threatening to hurt yourself or your partner Making your partner feel afraid Tearing up pictures Smashing gifts Destroying objects Slamming doors Throwing things
Treating your partner like a baby
property or servant Making all of the decisions
Having expectations that no one can meet Controlling who
your partner sees or spends time with Setting all the rules in the
relationship
Domination ThreatsSaying you cannotlive with your partner Telling your partner you will leave them somewhere if they do not do what you say Constantly threatening to find someone else Saying yoursquoll commit suicide of you break up
Sexual Abuse
Bragging about your sexual relationship
Making comparisons Flirting to make your partner
jealous Using drugsalcohol to get sex Pressuring your partner
Using emotional abuse to coerce sex Rape
Physical AbuseHolding your partner so they cannot
leave Slamming them intosomething Hiding your partnerrsquos
bruises Grabbing Slapping Hitting Shoving Punching
Kicking Poisoning Drugging
Minimization and Blame
Possessiveness Using jealousy as a sign
of love Accusing your partner of cheating on you Not letting your partner have other friends
Telling your partner how to think dress and act
Not accepting responsibility for your actions Making a
joke when you hurt your partner Telling or showing
your partner everything is their fault Acting like
abuse is ok in the relationship
Every form of
abuse is about
power and
controlhellip Abusers
make their
decision to abuse
Period
In this secret climate misdirected blame is part of the abuse Thespoken or unspoken threat is that the target will look like a liar ifthe truth comes out
Sadly it happens This is one of many complicated reasons targetsmay not leave their abusers soon or at all
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation go to thislist to find help
Make true and empowering statements
Create personal statements Examples
A I cannot control what other people choose to say or do It is notmy job to fix every circumstance
112
Abuse is always yes always thefault full responsibility and sin ofthe abuser
Gross misrepresentations of anabuse victimrsquos role are spoken inignorance He should have foughtback She wasnrsquot dressed rightHe pushed her buttons She wasnagging him He should have metcurfew She shouldnrsquot havemouthed off
Abusers make their decision toabuse Period
B I refuse to carry blame for the crime committed against me ormy family Only the criminal did wrong I did what I was capable ofdoing in the moment which is the best anyone can do in anysituation
C I will not take on the burden of guilt for my friendrsquos addiction Icannot save or fix her No one can She is responsible for seekinghelp and not just begging me for money or a place to stay
D I do not accept the abusers lies that I brought on the abuse Iwill not hate the child or victim-adult I once was for allowing whatI had no power to stop
Whether casting blame or collecting misdirected blame the optionto reach out for fresh perspective and guidance from the DifferenceMaker is always available
The brothers Blame never consider this
And a-fishinrsquo they go
113
Proverbs 205
Prayer to the Difference Maker
The purposes of a personrsquos heart
are deep waters
but one who has insight
draws them out
Please Lord I need your insight
to draw out my motives and
the deep injuries of my soul
so I can understand and change
Based on Proverbs 205
Practical Exercise 8 Find harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time to
study their companion and without criticism show appreciation forthe good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God for whatyou have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blame payattention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize everyone including yourself hasmade mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive as much asGod has forgiven you
This Or This
115
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stoppinganother person (we have no controlover them) Boundaries are about whatwe allow into our circle
Do the following exercise then createyour own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo
4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leave responsibilityfor his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for the consequences oflosing them
What about a situation in your life
Next draw a circle around yourself
116
9Perceived
Dependency Some thoughts If no one pushes me I cannot succeed He says he loves me after he hits me and I cannot be without
him This has been a tough day already I need a drink Irsquoll feel happy only if this job interview goes my way His
approval keeps me going Shersquoll leave if I do not stay sick
Dear Creeper
You are my perceived dependency You have toyed withme since I was young I played the game of hide andseek innocently believing you and the powerful forcesthat drove me to you were normal and right I did notunderstand you are a creeper
Your presence seemed a kind gift an experience forwhich I was grateful Slow and sure you built a templefor yourself in my brain
One day I witnessed the ruin of another of yourconfused devotees and began to fear you Confidencegrew in my power to go on alone Nonetheless yourcajoling stirred memories of when we first met andsoon your promises of the hour defeated caution
I
cared
only
for
how
you
made
me
feel
117
Your lies were soft and comfortable Eventually I believedeverything you offered for my protection No one could persuademe you were not my best friend
Remember how I used to panic when you were not in sightVigorous denial kept me from seeing what was happening I caredonly for how you made me feel
Oh but I see you now my enemy Perceived Dependency youhave never been a friend Joining hands with you in my destructionwas a game of Russian Roulette with unpredictable consequences
So-called dependency was but another deception I could have beenfree To be honest until now you have been my choice I amchanging my mind
You see there is someone real taking your place He is theDifference Maker the Highest Power who is always for me andnever against me
I could say itrsquos not you itrsquos me but this breakndashup is all aboutrunning away from you and into the arms of God
Goodbye from Not-Your-Victim
Co-dependent
Eating Disordered
Money-hungry
Etcetera
Defeatist
118
Stone and wood statues all over the world are praised and offeredgifts to appease whatever god they represent That is literal idolworship Jesus expanded the concept to include anything thatstands between us and full devotion to the One True God An idolthen is anything or anyone we think we cannot live without otherthan God
Perceived dependencies are our masters Not only are they a typeof idol but they are also futile No person can meet all our needsNo substance satisfies for long Compulsions heap unhappyconsequences on an already stressful life Obsessions overrulegood judgment Yet we obey them when they call
Perceived dependency unloads barrels of disappointment on thehuman spirit We create mental scenarios of rescue and if onlydelusions Who will make me happy What will bring relief Weare completely at the mercy of our perceived dependencies unlesswe take our power back
A perceived dependency is theact of giving our power freely toan outside force that once givensuch authority becomes ourmaster source motivation andexcuse
Nothing is easy about aperceived dependency NothingDay to day life is complicated bymaneuvers around the belief thatwhat we need most is missing
Our masters
119
Evie lives in denial As a heroin addict her behaviors are morepredictable than she is aware She is a sweet daughter and lovingmother when sober When she is using everyone runs for coverHer language is vile and abusive She tries to manipulate herdaughter for money
Only one year ago Evie graduated from long-term residentialtreatment She held down a job and visited with her youngchildren She did not separate herself from old companions andsadly relapse came as no surprise to her hopeful and wary familyEvie sacrifices for her obsession all that makes life worth livingcausing great pain in her wake
Evie and Tony
Tonyrsquos longing for love and overwhelming fear of rejection haswelded his self-made cage shut He leans heavily on his wife toreassure him with constant agreement Opposing opinionsthreaten his sense of security so he never asks for her realthoughts
His perceived dependency is the submission of his wife and otherswhile he takes no emotional risks It is clear in this scenario Tonysold his personal power at the cost of true love His wife is captivealso if she plays by his rules
The sad chaos of Eviersquos and Tonyrsquos lives is whythe words of the prophet Isaiah make senseHe said we feed on ashes by looking to an idolto meet our needs A deluded heart misleadsus To our detriment we fail to question ldquoIsnot this thing in my right hand a lierdquosup1
120
Then there is Rhona
Lifting her head from the toilet and sinking to the all too familiarfloor Rhona knew her eating disorder owned her and could endher life She was desperate for freedom
Someone introduced her to a 12-step program of recoveryThough a meeting was an hour away Rhona determinedly andfaithfully traveled to join-in Older members supported herthrough tears and triumph Eventually she had her life back
She does not consider herself free to eat whatever she wantsInstead she is free to choose carefully what will keep her healthyNo longer do certain foods send her spiraling because she avoidsthem completely She will carry safe foods with her to familygatherings and other events
Rhona is not a compulsive dieter her choices are a matter of lifeand death Thirty years later after entering recovery she stillattends meetings
Dr Rhona Epstein became one of the very few experts in foodaddiction and serves as a psychologist helping as many as she canHer book Food Triggers is beneficial to any one of us whostruggle with compulsive behaviors around food
Any willingness to be open to a spiritual
solution is a start -Dr Epstein
121
My son finally convinced me to watchthe Marvel series All of it I havelearned that imaginary superheroesstruggle to learn how and when to usetheir power
Decision-making is not so simple for useither Opting to break away from aperceived dependency is not asstraightforward as Captain Americatossing his shield at a villain andknocking him flat
Yes God has graciously created us with the remarkable power ofchoice Why do we so often risk its loss
It is doable Remember intent does not mean instant success Thefirst step each day is the main one
Have you survived difficult challenges If yes why not againHave other people recovered Why not you
Superpower
Each of us is gifted with a superpower Do the following fivequotes by Jesus reveal it to you
ldquoIf you wanthelliprdquo sup1∙⁵ldquoAnyone who chooseshelliprdquo sup2 ldquohellipif you do not believehelliprdquo sup3ldquoIf you hold to my teachinghelliprdquo ⁴ldquohellipyou were not willingrdquo⁵
122
Relapse
The difference between Evie Tony and Rhona is that Rhonalearned to wield her power of choice in her favor Ask anyone withbroken chains freedom requires complete honesty support andconnection to strength greater than ours
Some say relapse is inevitable No but it is common We return toold destructive habits when we have not permanently structuredour goals around something more meaningful I relapsed with myeating disorder with a long list of excuses My health coachreminds me to see recovery as an investment in what I want toachieve
Ultimately it is finding and living in purpose that brings joy Withwhat will we fill your lives so our obsessions no longer have roomin our heads
Surrender
I mentioned to a woman with a secular belief system that it is aprivilege to be used by God Her negative reaction makes sensebecause my word choice ldquoused byrdquo was skewed
It is fairer to say I am one of Godrsquos volunteers among many Noneof us have had our will removed By faith and experience we knowhis ways are best The more we grasp that the more we want to dofor him Herersquos the clincher we love him because he loves us Yesit is a privilege and source of joy when the Difference Maker worksthrough us to help others in some way
Surrender comes with the understanding that God has more than
123
single personrsquos best interests in mind In that regard he asks usto extend his mercy love and truth when we might rather sit athome in comfort
Should we say yes we will find he is working everything out forour good too In his will (as discussed in chapter 2) weexperience deep satisfaction As always the Difference Makerrsquosapproach is more profound and effective than the worldrsquos wisestphilosophies⁵∙⁵
The complete Serenity Prayer famous for the shortened versionused in 12-step groups points to such surrender
God grant me the SerenityTo accept the things I cannot changeCourage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the differenceLiving one day at a time
Enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardship
As the pathway to peaceTaking as He did
This sinful world as it is Not as I would have itTrusting that He will Make all things right
If I surrender to His willThat I may be
Reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him
In the next Amen
124
125
But God
Accounts throughout the Bible of Gods interactions with humansprove he is the Highest Power At the end of their resourcespeople saw God change everything
The entire earth flooded But God remembered Noah ⁶
Jacobrsquos boss cheated him ldquoBut God has seen your abuserdquo ⁷
Josephrsquos brothers sold him ldquohellipbut God intended it for goodrdquo ⁸
King Saul hunted him down hellipbut God [helped him escape]⁹
People tried to kill Paul But God has protected me sup1⁰
Epaphroditus was ill and almost died But God had mercy onhimsup1sup1
Jesus was nailed to a cross But God raised him from the dead sup1sup2
We are lost for eternity But God demonstrates his own lovehellipsup1sup3
Apostles hadhellip fears within ldquoBut Godhellip comforted usrdquosup1⁴
Helplessness is not always a fact it is a belief Through JeremiahGod said ldquoIf you wanted to return to me you could You couldthrow away your detestable idols andstray away no morerdquosup1⁵ He knowshow much power is available to us ifwe will ask
126
Surrender to the will of God is ultimately the cure to compulsiveaddictive behaviors That does not mean it is easy nor does itguarantee no relapses Jesus said ldquoIt is not the healthy who needa doctor but the sickldquosup1⁶ He is our healer perhaps we do well tofollow his prescription
Let us remember together whatever condition we are in howeverdeeply we are stuck in perceived dependency we do not actuallyneed the person activity substance or compulsion we are focusedon to survive or thrive Our dependence is but a perception Wecan depend on and trust the Highest Power
Whom have I in heaven but youAnd earth has nothing I desire besides you
My flesh and my heart may failbut God is the strength of my heart
and my portion foreversup1⁷
ldquoBut Godhelliprdquo
Recommended
The Life Recovery Bible is special It is the Holy Bible in its entirety with sidebars relating specific scriptures to
recovery These address emotional issues trauma support and much more In addition the Life Recovery
Journal takes the reader through the 12-step process
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Please keep me from deliberate
sins Donrsquot let them control me
Then I will be free of guilt and
innocent of great sin
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you O LORD my
Rock and my Redeemer
Psalm 1913-14
128
128
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsessionTake this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a
dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
Practical Exercise 9 Now What
Spell it out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write outall it has stolen and what freedom will bring This is about you notcasting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praise andgratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is to a realGod who will not only see what you write but who knows your heart
Write a letter (or letters) to yourperceived dependency Do not mail it ifit is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Rome isdirectly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them I highlyurge you to take it in
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
129
Next find a strong
support system
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over time whois healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability to hold yourconfidences Watch them with other people Choose friends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who have seen yourstruggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
130
10Fear
Fear leads to depressive thinking when we give it authority Fear
develops under a threat real or perceived to our wellbeing or thewellbeing of another person
As a mere emotion fear is not a sign of weak character nor does itsignal failure of faith The bravest people are those who feel fearand face it even in small ways Courage is measured by genuineeffort not success or the size of payout Baby steps toward facing
or overcoming any fear are indeed applaudable steps
Some thoughts I promised to attend the meeting but since Irsquoll make a fool of myself Irsquom not going There is no way to know if I can stay safe I do not like people different from me Things are going to get worse Irsquom sure he hates me
131
Not every courageous person looks like one
Examples of couragebull Elderly people venturing out despite impatient drivers and
ridiculous younger people talking down to thembull Children returning to the same school each day where they are
taunted or bulliedbull Families of faith around the world persecuted by authoritiesbull People in suicidal despair reconnecting with living
bull Those living with disabilitybull Those going to work with anxiety migraines fatiguehellipbull Women who leave abusive homes and often face judgmentbull The caretaker of elderly parentsAnd the inspirational list goes onhellip
Facing fear is a choice that mimics the life of our Saviorsup1 Heloved (far) beyond his comfort zone The author of Hebrewswrote rdquoConsider him who endured such opposition from sinnersso that you will not grow weary and lose heartrdquosup2
132
God chooses unlikely heroes
Abigail⁵ was beautiful and intelligent Marriedwhether by choice or arrangement we do not knowher role was to manage her wealthy household withits many servants and obligations serve herhusband Nabal and presumably have his children
Nabal wise in his own eyes and not in many otherswell lived up to his name which meant fool Filledwith greed his harsh demeanor in business and athome proved his self-centeredness No doubt heenjoyed his meanness and the fear of those aroundhim
He
adds
ldquoI am
with
yourdquo
and
stays
God does not whip out a chill ldquodonrsquot be afraidrdquo anddisappearsup3 He adds ldquoI am with yourdquo⁴ and staysBrave people learn from their less-than-bravemistakes (we have all done them) With him at ourside we move forward following the DifferenceMakerrsquos plan for overcoming fear
In those days (about 1100 BC) sheep and goats were money andoften stolen Soon to be king warrior David was on the run fromhis insanely jealous father-in-law King Saul David and his armyof six-hundred men earned what they needed to survive byprotecting the livestock of various towns and farms
It was customary and expected for wealthy landowners to offerprovisions to such protectors Nonetheless when David sent themessage to Nabal ldquoPlease give your servants whatever you canfind for themrdquo only insults were returned
David was ready to end such insolence and with 400 armed menheaded for Nabalrsquos home to kill him and all the males who livedthere
A shepherd ran to Abigail to report this He said ldquoNabal is such awicked man that no one can talk to him Please do what you canrdquo
133
Abigail quickly loaded donkeyswith meat bread wine grainraisins and pressed figs Servantsdelivered them to David
Going against her churlishhusbandrsquos wishes certainly wouldhave brought down his wrath hadshe been caught She risked her
life by confronting angry warriors intent on revenge
David responded to her pleas for mercy thanking her He saidldquoPraise be to the LORD the God of Israel who has sent you today
134
to meet me May you be blessed for your good judgment and forkeeping me from bloodshed this dayrdquo
As an unlikely hero Abigail saved an unknown number of livesThe brave shepherd who informed her shared in the heroism Thenext day when she told Nabal of the drama his heart failed himand he died
God specializes in choosing unlikely people for courageous deedsA few examples among many include an orphan girl-turned queenwho saved her nation (Book of Esther) a child who spoke hardtruth to power (1 Samuel 3) a young slave girl who approached aprincess (Exodus 21-10) and uneducated fishermen who broughtthe gospel to the world though they lost their lives over it(Matthew 418-22)
Despite initial misgivings these people had to decide what kind ofperson they wanted to be One way to face our fears is to answerthe same question
Consider the life and mission of each of the following people Howdo you think they answered the question What kind of person do Iwant to be
Will I risk everything Hee Jinrsquos Grandmother in North KoreaWill I choose life Nick VujicicWill I hold out Irena SendlerWill I let go Elisabeth ElliotWho do I want to face in the mirror tomorrow Dobri DobrevHow will I respond to my greatest regret Victoria RobinsonWill my legacy point to life Jason ReidWill my example set a helpful precedent Marie Meggs
135
Will I believe what I cannot yet see Jo Ann RobinsonWill I keep my eyes on things of Heaven instead of on things ofearth Jessie TendayiWill I come back to God and ask for help when I fail miserablyJim Wahlberg
ldquoWe are having a physical experience in a spiritual worldrdquo ndash Author unknown
Satan distorts and disrupts the truth in attempts to steer us fromGod Human experience is a catalyst for such trickery becausewhat we see and feel seems more real than an invisible God Is heinconceivable though
His power is evidenced in nature⁶ His love has redeemedcountless lives Millions testify to his personal presence We seeGodrsquos promises always come to pass whether spoken throughprophets or other scriptures⁷ We witness his sovereigntythroughout history
Stout faith lets go of control and chooses to obey the proven Godwho shows himself real only to those with the spiritual eyes tosee⁸ In his wisdom he made it impossible for science or
The Difference Maker offers safety in his shelter
philosophy to prove his existence to closedminds⁹ Although faith is not blind it is notsight eithersup1⁰ Faith is the evidence of whatwe do not seesup1sup1
Godrsquos shelter unlike an umbrella or a treenever fails
Towers in fortressed cities ofbiblical times provided safetywhen enemies attacked In ourspiritual battles Godrsquos shelter isthe hiding place
The key is to stay there Psalm 91says to live in his shelter - spendour time there Then he hides usin his shadow as if we were in atower of refuge
This Psalm also tells us what wedo not have to fear
1 Satanrsquos bait setting plot trap (The fowlerrsquos snare)
2 Pandemic disease (Deadly pestilence)3 Dread and the object of dread (Terror of night)4 Seemingly random attacks or dangers coming from
all around deeply personal attacks (Arrows fly by day)5 Disease pandemic that walks about in trouble and in
spiritual unreceptiveness (Pestilence stalking in the dark)6 Destruction coming from violence and devastation in
the middle of the day or in the bright of happiness(Plague that destroys at midday)
7 Wicked people (Lion)8 The Devil (Serpent)
In distress of any kind he rescues us or arms us for the battleWhat is left to fear If God is for us who can be against ussup1sup2
136
We still want to hide from time to time Aloneness is notintrinsically unhealthy Jesus taught But when you prayhellipshutthe door behind youhellipsup1sup3
It is the fear that locks us in that paralyzes the life we wantRemember the Difference Maker sets us up with everything weneed for faith courage and victory In all circumstances we candeclare as King Solomon did ldquoThe name of the LORD is a fortifiedtower the righteous run to it and are saferdquosup1⁴
ldquoFinally be strong in the Lord and in hismighty power Put on the full armor ofGodhelliprdquosup1⁵
Paul used a symbolic reference thepeople of his day would haveunderstood the armor of a Romansoldier Comparing physical war tospiritual ones he first describes whywearing Godrsquos armor is necessary
One our struggle is not against peoplebut against the devil and his spiritualforces of evil Two when we are harassedfor our faith we will resist and standsup1⁶
Wearing Godrsquos armor is a decision wemake each day in faith bearing in mindthe vital meaning of each piece
The Difference Maker offers safety in his armor
137
The Belt of Truth ldquoStand firm then with the beltof truth buckled around your waistrdquo The belt of aRoman soldierrsquos armor was more like a girdle andheld up the breastplate
What is truth Jesus said ldquoIf you hold to myteaching you are really my disciples Then you willknow the truth and the truth will set you freerdquosup1⁷Absolute truth does not change and awareness of itprotects us from lies that cause fear
The Breastplate of Righteousness ldquohellipwith thebreastplate of righteousness in placerdquo The Romansoldierrsquos breastplate held in place only once it wasupheld by the belt
What is righteousness Thinking and acting inways that honor God based on his instructionsthese are righteousness However no human effortalone measures up to Godrsquos holiness
Truth upholds our righteousness as it grows in alife with Christ His righteousness leads our wayinto Godrsquos favor There is no fear of punishment ifour faith is sincerely in the Saviorsup1⁸
Feet Fitted with Readiness ldquohellipand with yourfeet fitted with the readiness that comes from thegospel of peacerdquo Spikes covered the bottom ofRoman soldiersrsquo footwear for climbing over roughterrain and for digging into the earth keepingthem steadfast in hand-to-hand combat
138
What is the gospel of peace and how does it make us ready Thegospel is the good news of Jesus the Messiahsup1⁹ While we arealive there is work to finish Readiness to carry this gospel toothers is part of our victory over fear sup2⁰
Shield of Faith ldquoIn addition to all this take upthe shield of faith with which you can extinguishall the flaming arrows of the evil onerdquo A Romansoldier carried a large oblong four-corneredshield covering much of his body
What is faith It is more than believing in GodEven demons believe in God and shuddersup2sup1Faith is pure trust and confidence that Godmeans what he sayssup2sup2
Jesus said faith is like a tiny mustard seed whichbecomes the largest tree in the gardensup2sup3Pastors teachers the Holy Spirit and personalstudy water and feed the seed Nurturing ourfaith is our responsibility that in time surpassesfear
Helmet of Salvation ldquoTake the helmet ofsalvationrdquo Roman soldiers wore a unique helmetprotecting the top and sides of their head Somehelmets also protected the back of the neck
What is salvation Not only is it rescue from awasted life in the present and an erasure ofeternal damnation but the helmet is also theanticipation of the day we are ushered into
139
heavensup2⁴ Keeping our eyes on the reward this helmet protects
us from turning from the faith due to discouragement doubtand fear
a spectacular display of arrogance and deception The battle ofwords was close-up personal and relentless Each time the devilused his wiles the Son of God expertly wielded his swordsup2⁵
In the heat of temptation aimed straight at our weakest pointsskill at using Godrsquos Word boosts our triumph over fear sup2⁶
Prayer ldquoAnd pray in the Spirit on alloccasions with all kinds of prayers and requestsrdquoRoman soldiers needed supplies stamina andfood and water
What is prayer Jesus gave an examplesup2⁷ thatgoes something like this ldquoOur Father in heavenlet your name be treated with reverence Let your
Sword of the Spirit ldquohellipand the sword of theSpirit which is the word of Godrdquo Roman soldierspossessed three sharp weapons a dagger-sized shortsword a spear and a long sword Paul used the shortsword for his comparison to the Word of God
Why a small weapon Satan tempted Jesus in
kingdom come let your will be done on earth as it is in heavenGive us this day our bread for tomorrow and forgive us ourdebts as we also have forgiven our debtors Lead us not intotemptation but deliver us from the evil one for yours is thekingdom and the power and the glory forever Amenrdquo
140
This prayer acknowledges God makes various requests yields to his will and in faith believes all is possible because he is God
and wear his armor daily we will stand with the brave who say Itis scary out there and the Difference Maker goes with me
Godrsquos armor is not intended as a shell to crawlinside Neither is his shelter a place to isolatefrom the world
Fear is fed by our focus When the daycomes that we learn to rest in Godrsquos shelter
141
Prayer to the Difference Maker
When I am hard pressed I cry
to you Lord You bring me into
a spacious place You Lord are
with me I will not be afraid
Based on Psalm 1185-6
143
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in yourpocket Feel it when anxieties and otherpressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
Practical Exercise 10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions andimpulsive thoughts or prevents them fromrising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can behelpful to avoid anxiety attacks or panic orto use during anxiety and panic attacks
143
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing reminders thathe is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics will inspireyou God Will Make a Way
By a roadway in the wilderness Hell lead meAnd rivers in the desert will I seeHeaven and Earth will fade But His word will still remainAnd He will do something new todayGod will make a wayWhere there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot seeHe will make a way for meHe will be my guideHold me closely to His sideWith love and strength for each new dayHe will make a way He will make a way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in apublic place with little opportunity to walk awaypractice sign language or write the names of peopleyou care about in the air discreetly below your waistFiddle with anything that requires your full attentionlike word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worrylater Keep a notebook and pen handy Thenext time anxiety is triggered or could bewrite the concern down and lay it aside Set adate or time to address the issue perhapswith a safe person
144
Next Retrain your thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
145
Now may the God of peace
who through the blood of the
eternal covenant brought back
from the dead our Lord Jesus that
great Shepherd of the sheep equip
you with everything good for doing
his will and may he work in
us what is pleasing to
him through Jesus Christ to
whom be glory for ever and ever
Amen
APPENDIX
147
Terms page 148
A Word About Medication page 149
Bible References page 152
Photos and Other Credits page 155
Collection of Chapter Exercises plus BONUS Exercises page 159
Blank Pages for Notes page 182
Terms - Links
BibleGodrsquos Word
Christ Jesus Christ Christ Jesus
Christian
The Difference Maker= God
Faith
Fear of God
Holy
Jesus
Original languages used to write the Bible
Types of mental health professionals
Repentance
Resurrection
Righteousness
Sin
Trinity
148
An ongoing debate in faith arenas over the use of medications for
mental health particularly depression and anxiety leavesconfusion in its wake Myths about this type of medical therapyabound
Myth 1 Medications cover up spiritual problems Thesedrugs do not create happiness They cannot force introspectionrelief from guilt or wisdom on a person any more than insulinprevents someone with diabetes from eating a candy bar
If behaviors and circumstances that helped to create a mentalhealth need do not change the problem may persist No pill willcorrect poor thinking permanently erase memories of trauma endabuse or change a sinful heart
Medications prepare a brain to function as intended Once stablethe patient can choose to learn wisdom and pursue God or not
Myth 2 Mental illness is a myth No All mental illnesses aredisorders In other words something is wrong with a personrsquosability to function normally due to mental processing Medicationis often necessary to save a life Many chronicled symptoms giveprofessionals an excellent idea of how to diagnose mental illness
Everyone experiences down days massive grief and even
149
A Word About Medication
depressive thoughts It becomes a disorder when a person cannotfunction normally keep healthy relationships or overcome theseemotions
Myth 3 All psychiatrists do is throw pills at youPsychiatrists are medical doctors and specialists It is their job toprescribe medication based on revealed symptoms Appointmentsare typically about 15 minutes Very few offer talk therapy (whereaspsychologists generally do)
A psychiatrist may recommend hospitalization or insist a clientmove to a higher level of care such as to an IOP (IntensiveOutpatient Program) These are professional therapeutic programsthat occur throughout the week in half or full days
Myth 4 Psychiatric medications do not work It is true
150
sometimes they do not Six reasons for this have nothing to dowith the medications themselves
A A patient does not take the medication as prescribed or isnoncompliant and refuses itB A patient refuses recommended co-treatments such as talktherapyC The patient quits too soon Unfortunately it may take weeksand even months to discover the one that works best for aspecific person Dosages may also need readjustmentsD The patient is unable to convey symptoms clearlyPrescriptions based on incomplete information will likely be lesseffectiveE Affordability lack of insurance parity interference fromfamily members and more may disrupt proper treatmentcreating any of the above issues
ldquoJesus is the only one with perfect brain chemistry and nopsychological issues Every other human has somepsychological dysfunctionhellipPsychological Science is simplyunderstanding how God designed our mind to work and thenlearning how to maximally steward our mind for His glory andour fulfillment in Himrdquo
F Misdiagnosis by a doctor This is especially a problem whennon-psychiatric doctors prescribe psychiatric medications
Myth 5 Medications hurt people Safety may be compromisedif medication is not taken as prescribed The wrong medication toocan adversely affect a person Rumors about how often this occursare exaggerated
For most people a combination of medication and talk therapy hasproven most effective For those who receive professionaltreatment 80 go on to live more satisfying lives
If medication corrects brain dysfunction and allows one to developa richer life with Christ (and it has for me) then using medicationis good stewardship of onersquos capabilities Some takeaways from themission statement of Lighthouse Network agree
151
For a deeper look at therapy and medicationsfrom a Christian point of view go to Is It Ok for aChristian to Take Anti-depressants
Chapter
1 The Difference Maker
2 Self-doubt
3 Toxic Shame
4 Self=loathing
Bible References
152
sup1Exodus 1414 sup2Matthew 1128-29 sup3Romans 122 ⁴James 117 ⁵1 John 15 ⁶John 87⁷Romans 623 ⁸2 Thessalonians 17-10 ⁹Ephesians 24-9 NIVsup1⁰Romans 810-18 sup1sup1Psalm 2911 sup1sup2Ephesians 3 14-19
sup1Proverbs 46 -7 sup1∙⁵2 Samuel 111-1225 sup2Psalm 139 23-24sup31 Kings 39 ⁴ Hebrews 511-14niv ⁵Psalm 328niv⁶2 Timothy 316 ⁷2 Peter 120-21 ⁸2 Timothy 316-17niv⁹Mark 1224 sup1⁰1 Corinthians 1433nkjv sup1sup1Hebrews 116sup1sup2 2 Corinthians 317-18 sup1sup3Matthew 633 sup1⁴James15-7sup1⁵Psalm 4610 sup1⁶Deuteronomy 323-4 sup1⁷Exodus 314
sup1Genesis 127 sup2Psalm 84-6 sup3Isaiah 558 ⁴James 39-11 ⁵Ephesians 210 ⁶Psalm 13913⁷2 Corinthians 517 ⁸ Lamentations 322-23 ⁹1 John 31
sup1⁰James 223 sup1sup1 John 1515 sup1sup2Psalm 2710sup1sup3John 10 27-30 sup1⁴2 Corinthians 128-10
sup1Luke 2342-44 sup2 Psalms 34 sup3Micah 718-19 ⁴ Ephesians 317-19 ⁵Psalm 10311-12 ⁶ Psalm 4421⁷Psalm 10314 ⁸ Proverbs 37-8 ⁹Matthew 523-24sup1⁰Luke 2334 sup1sup1Acts 759-60 sup1sup1∙⁵Acts 81sup1sup2Acts 83 sup1sup3 Acts 2022-24 sup1⁴ Philippians 35-14 sup1⁵Psalm 345 sup1⁶2 Corinthians 1314
sup1Exodus 341014 sup2James 316 sup3Proverbs 1430 ⁴Philippians 23-11 ⁵Matthew 2128-32 ⁶Philippians 212-14⁷1 Corinthians 134-8niv ⁸Romans 1215 ⁹Jeremiah 923-25sup1⁰1 John 215-16 sup1sup1Titus 33-5
Chapter
5 Extreme Conclusions
6 Hopeless
7 Jealousy and Envy
153
sup1Matthew 71 sup2Matthew 2537-40 sup3Luke 311⁴Matthew 547niv ⁵Matthew 543-44 ⁶Matthew 712⁷Luke 1030-37 ⁸Numbers 1911-16niv and Leviticus 211-4 10-12niv⁹ 1 Corinthians 1312 sup1⁰Matthew 73-5 sup1⁰∙⁵Luke 1135-36sup1sup1Matthew 1916-26 sup1sup2Matthew 624 sup1sup3Isaiah 714sup1⁴John 11sup1⁵ Verses 4 23 Throughout his ministry people had trouble giving up old beliefs andfully grasping what Jesus was saying In John 11 we see him telling his disciples thatLazarusrsquo illness will not result in death that this situation will bring glory to God (likethe healing of the man born blind which they witnessed John 9) He informs Martha thatLazarus will be raised by him (In the original language the word used when he saysldquoLazarus will liverdquo means raised from a lying down position- raised from the dead)
sup1⁶ Verses 3328 Some traditional versions say Jesus was deeply moved or troubled
Jesus was agitated or angry wanting to instruct everyone and perhaps restrain thefaithless talk around him He waited and instead allowed his prayer and the results tospeak for themselvessup1⁷Psalm 11996 sup1⁸1 Samuel 167 sup1⁹ Mark 1427-31sup2⁰ Mark 14 66-72 sup2sup1John 201-10 sup2sup2 John 211-19sup2sup3Acts 413 sup2⁴2 Corinthians 47 sup2⁵James 116-18
sup1Isaiah 4318-19 niv sup2Psalm 3418 sup3Psalm 1213⁴Genesis 1611-13 ⁴∙⁵ Job 395-8 ⁵Nehemiah 919-20⁶Psalm 119140 ⁷Psalm 1361-3 ⁸Psalm 1437-8⁹Ruth 11-22 and 413-17 sup1⁰Psalm 3121-23 sup1sup12 Corinthians 75-7sup1sup22 Kings 1819 sup1sup31 Kings 1819 sup1⁴Psalm 1391-12sup1⁵Matthew 1029 sup1⁶Proverbs 1410 sup1⁷Proverbs 1320sup1⁸ Book of Job sup1⁹Job 427-9 sup2⁰Psalm 119130
sup1Proverbs 149-10 sup21 John 18 sup3 Isaiah 59 1 2
⁴ Proverbs 193 ⁵James 113 ⁶James 114-15
⁷ Hebrews 1210 ⁸Proverbs 311-12 ⁹Proverbs 1721
sup1⁰ Proverbs 2210 sup1sup1Exodus 201-17 sup1sup2Mark 1228-31
sup1sup3Romans 139-10niv sup1⁴Matthew 53-10 sup1⁵Psalm 411
sup1⁶Matthew 116 ESV sup1⁷Psalm 321-2 sup1⁸Psalm 1465sup1⁹John 151-5 sup2⁰ Romans 81 sup2sup12 Peter 13-9sup2sup2Proverbs 1130
sup2sup3Ephesians 51-20 Galatians 522-23 Proverbs 1031
sup2⁴1 Corinthians 924-25 sup2⁵James 112 sup2⁶Philippians 314
154
Chapter
8 Destructive Blame
9 Perceived Dependency
sup1 Isaiah 4420 sup1∙⁵ Matthew 1921nlt sup2 John 717sup3 John 824 ⁴ John 831-32 ⁵Matthew 2337⁵∙⁵1 Corinthians 120 ⁶Genesis 81 ⁷Genesis 3142⁸Genesis 5020 ⁹1 Samuel 2314 sup1⁰Acts 2622sup1sup1Philippians 227 sup1sup2Acts 224niv sup1sup3Romans 58nivsup1⁴2 Corinthians 75-7niv sup1⁵Jeremiah 41 sup1⁶Mark 217sup1⁷Psalm 7325-26niv
10 Fear
sup1Hebrews 122 sup2Hebrews 123 sup3Matthew 281-10 ⁴Matthew 2820 ⁵1 Samuel 251-38 ⁶ Romans 120 ⁷1 Kings 856-57 ⁸1 Corinthians 210-16 ⁹1 Corinthians 121sup1⁰2 Corinthians 57 sup1sup1Hebrews 111 sup1sup2Romans 831sup1sup3Matthew 66 sup1⁴ Proverbs 1810 sup1⁵Ephesians 61011sup1⁶Ephesians 611-13 sup1⁷ John 831-32 sup1⁸Romans 81-16sup1⁹Ephesians 51 sup2⁰ 2 Corinthians 518-19 sup2sup1James 219sup2sup2Romans 1017 sup2sup3 Matthew 1331-32sup2⁴1 Thessalonians 58-9 sup2⁵Matthew 41-11 sup2⁶Hebrews 512-14 sup2⁷Matthew 69-13
Chapter
1
2
3
4
Photos and Other Credits
Face in the mirror page 40 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped Artist page 44 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Church page 28 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJames Ryan quote page 31 from The National Association for Christian Recovery Four Kinds of Moral Inventory httpswwwnacrorgcenter-for-12-step-recoveryfour-kinds-of-moral-inventoryGirl praying page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NDcropped and manipulatedWriting hand page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredOxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes page 32httpsindianriveraaorgPDFTHE20FOUR20ABSOLUTESpdfScottish Proverb page 32 Confession Is Good For The Soul - Christian Devotions for Daily Living - DevotionscomCross page 32 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped
155
Man with net page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC rock overlaidRock page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCGirl page 14 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Billy Graham quote page 16 from Video Billy Graham httpswwwfacebookcomryanthompson100videos10158050555419605UzpfSTEyOTE4OTc5NDU6MTAyMTY5MTQzNDAwMzI3MTkFlame page 17 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC manipulated Jar page 26 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND
Chapter
5
6
156
Train page 49 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredTrain page 50 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredWounded man scene page 52 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND cropped recolored manipulatedCamel page 54 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYSAAbout Sadducee beliefs page 54 Camels Needles and the Question of Money retrieved on November 5 2020 from httpsallofitagainwordpresscom20170518camels-needles-and-the-question-of-money-colinTrain page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYN recoloredCurved path page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recoloredLazarusrsquo feet page 58 freebibleimagescomTrain tracks page 59 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCrecoloredTrain page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredExam paper page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredRooster page 61 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Jesus page 74 freebibleimagescomArahant Mental Wellness page 76 Treating Depression with TMS Aimed at the Brainrsquos Prefrontal Cortex httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortex Healthline page 76 The Effects of Depression on the Brain What Is Depression httpswwwhealthlinecomhealthdepressioneffects-brainHow-Can-Treatment-Change-the-Brain Figure 1 Page 76 httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortexEric W Dolan page 76 In depressed people the medial prefrontal cortex exerts more control over other parts of the brain Psypostcom Mental Health June 19 2017 httpswwwpsypostorg201706depressed-people-medial-prefrontal-cortex-exerts-control-parts-brainSemicolon tattoo page 81 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredProject Semicolon page 81 httpswwwfacebookcomprojectsemicolonMug page 82 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDrecolored
Jealousy and envy sisters page 92 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped manipulated recoloredHeart page 94 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredJesus and man page 96 freebibleimagescom recoloredWeeds page 98 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recolored
Necklace page 82 from httpswwwamazoncomproject-semicolon-jewelrysk=project+semicolon+jewelryPage 83 Black leprosy also called elephantiasis because the skin begins to look like elephant skin Jobs Disease By Louis Rushmorehttpswwwgospelgazettecomgazette2005janpage15htmJob and friends page 84 freeBibleimagescomGirl and woman page 86 This Photo by Unknown Author licensed under CC BY-NDWarning Signs of Suicide page 87 httpswwwnimhnihgovhealthtopicssuicide-preventionindexshtmlpart_153177Stairs page 91 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped and manipulated recolored
Chapter
6 continued
7
8
157
Boater and swimmer page 102 These Photos by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recolored ndash 2 pictures together both under same license Greek Olympics page 109 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredPower and Control Wheel page 111 from httpswwwtheagapecafecomFishing pole page 113 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredCouples page 115 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDand This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Chapter
9
10
158
Girl page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC cropped recoloredFloating money page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCrecolored croppedDice page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY 20 recolored croppedAshes page 120 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJesus and people page 122 freeBibleimagescomCaptain American cover page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredCaptain America Shield page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredSerenity Prayer photo page 124 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYCartoon man with weights page 125 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredSupport Group scene page 130 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND cropped recolored
Donkey page 133 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAUmbrella Woman page 135 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCWoman in shadows page 136 freeBibleimagescomArmor page 137This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCBreastplate page 138This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDBelt page 138 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDShield page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAHelmet page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCSword page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCPraying hands page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDTurtle page 141 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCLeaf page 143 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCRubiks cube page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SACalendar page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC
Collection of the Chapter Exercises
Plus Bonus Exercises
159
1 Make the Thought Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use anap even though a minute earlier you were not tired This is atype of thought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bedthe visual automatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom whereand why of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take thetime to complete the following exercise (for each thought habit)and you will be surprised at the worthwhile outcome
1 What consistent triggering event and response doyou experience
________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
_________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
160
3 What is your thought-habit
_____________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_____________________________________________(Example l feel content)
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchange your triggerrsquosassociation from gloomy to what generally rightens your mood
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with things you love move thebed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularly for foot rubs sayingprayers or texting jokes to your friends
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of the space with openblinds worship music or a self-starting coffee maker (Avoidtexts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
_________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
161
7 What action will you take next time this triggeringevent occurs
________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts Episodes ofdepression anxiety or other mental health challenges may followa pattern or cycle
BONUS EXERCISE Exchange News and Social Media for Books and Face-to-face Conversation
A sense of aloneness and anxiety might come from a lack of eye-to-eye contact and conversation and an overload of news reports
Especially before going to bed turn off all the negativity and pickup a good book During the day make plans with a friend to visitover coffee even if you must be socially distanced
Do this for two weeks and you will feel the results
2 Use Pros and Cons for Good Judgment
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible orask a mature follower of Christ to see if there is already ananswer given Step three Be brutally honest with all the pros andcons of your options
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
162
Remember Who Has All the Answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottle wherever it will catch somelight Keep it open and have slips of paper and pen available
Write down your unanswered questions doubts about yourselfand any other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside the jar is a great problemsurrounded by shadows and light By faith we can accept that wedo not see all or have all the answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimes shoot out of your jar Thisrepresents the endless wisdom and love of God to which we caneach cling Somehow good is going to come of what we do notunderstand
163
BONUS EXERCISE Sleep Hygiene for a Healthy BrainFrom adaaorg
bullKeep a regular sleep schedule Go to bed around the same timeeach nightbullDo not eat a heavy late mealbullWatch TV in a room other than your bedroombullTurn the TV off 30 minutes before bedtimebullPut down the electronics 30 minutes before bedtime The screeneven on dim mode can still be stimulating to the brain via theeyes
3 Examine the Evidence for Shame
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes to one of thequestions on the left you have a newday in the court of your mind Checkout the corresponding links on theright
164
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Secure Your Release From Toxic Shame
165
BONUS EXERCISE Incorporate Self-care
From successcom
Self-care is different for each person Examples of self-careinclude making a healthy smoothie before work going for a longwalk at lunch spending time laughing with your spouse beforebed going on an adventure drive relaxing at the beach calling afriend or taking a long bubble bath The type of self-care doesnrsquotmatter as much as the effect It should make you feel like yoursquoretaking care of yourself in a way that combats toxic shame self-loathing anxiety depression and stress Carve 20 minutes intoyour day for self-care
4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a gamesomething with a little challenge in it to help make a thoughtexchange So I made one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automaticallyspeak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourselfnames Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friend
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might make youcringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
BONUS EXERCISE Write Your Biography
Write stories from your life using only positive descriptive wordsabout yourself It doesnrsquot have to seem true at first Keep at it
166
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look aboutyou and write down all you have accomplished in the last 24hours (You read this page right That is one) No matter howsmall you think the accomplishment it is evidence to the contraryof never do anything right
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved onesto marketers to abusers messages given us as children and oldercan come from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable ofrealistic insight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged falsenegative core beliefs of their own Are they suggestible andreactionary with their emotions Are they knowledgeable andwise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
BONUS EXERCISE Mirror Mirror
Look yourself in the eye and say ldquoI am loved I am lovablerdquoRepeat
167
Test Messages and Messengers
5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
168
Keep
working
169
Know When to Say Yes for a Most-fulfilling Life
Knowing what is of utmost importance to you will help preventmisdirected drive
1 Take time to list all your current obligations This will includefamily friends job financial expenditures physical healthmental health spiritual goals what God has asked of you andanything that you must finish
2 Look realistically at the above Is there anything that does notfit within your daily availability finances emotional energy orphysical capabilities
3 Is there anything you can remove from this list Ask for Godrsquoswisdom
What remains are yesses With rare exceptions everything else isa no Each time you agree to secondary activities expenses orobligations you are trading-in and saying no to something (orsomeone) you more highly value
BONUS EXERCISE Have a Routine
Sometimes when emotions run our decision-making we needsomething stable to help us stay on track with what it is we want
On your calendar mark a morning routine and a bedtimeroutine Set alarms on your phone for meals and meds Schedulefree time so your calendar does not own you
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have theenergy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeuticEven baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make yourown
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list Play music Set the table Take a shower Sit with the family Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today Go for a walk with a person or your dog Eat a healthy meal Attend participate in a support group Paint a picture or put a puzzle together Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Lower Your Stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
6 When You Feel Hopeless Live a Little
170
Allow Hope
Think about your values as a guide Write down what is importantto you and keep the list where you can see it Each day after youhave a choice stick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family
I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
BONUS EXERCISE Prevention
Lack of motivation and finding no pleasure in pleasurable activitiesare two of the classic symptoms doctors look for to diagnosedepression An enjoyable activity serves a preventative role
Make a 9rdquo x 9rdquo paper circle List around the circle activities youenjoy and activities you want to try Ring a paper clip over a penciland plant the pencil in the middle of your circle Spin the paper clipThe activity it points to is what you do for this day Another circlewith names can select whom to invite to join in the activity
171
172
ExampleThought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social eventlearn to be a good friend Reach out to her inkindness
Do something of value to earn respect speakkind words to and about him work on honestways to improve your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thankGod those people are comfortable and nothungry or cold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to goout with your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
7 Act Opposite
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Do the Amazing
What if you did something so shocking it amazes even youWhat if you went so counter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things If you will do it this challenge will shake yourworld and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it moreor to a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the Script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarrantedcriticism it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of runningwoulda-if-only on a loop how about making the situation into agame
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
173
8 Find Harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time
to study their companion and without criticism show appreciationfor the good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God forwhat you have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blamepay attention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize that everyone including yourselfhas made mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive asmuch as God has forgiven you
174
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stopping another person (we have nocontrol over them) Boundaries are about what we allow into ourcircle
Do the following exercise then create your own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leaveresponsibility for his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for theconsequences of losing them
What about a situation in your life
Draw a Circle Around Yourself
175
176
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsession
Take this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool
httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
9 Now What
Spell It Out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write out all it has stolen andwhat freedom will bring This is about you not casting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praiseand gratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is toa real God who will not only see what you write but who knowsyour heart
Write a letter (or letters) to your perceived dependency Do notmail it if it is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Romeis directly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
177
Find a Strong Support System
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over timewho is healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability tohold your confidences Watch them with other people Choosefriends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who haveseen your struggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
178
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in your pocket Feel it whenanxieties and other pressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions and impulsive thoughts orprevents them from rising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can be helpful to avoid anxietyattacks or panic or to use during anxiety and panic attacks
179
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing remindersthat he is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics willinspire you God Will Make a Way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in a public placewith little opportunity to walk away practice sign language orwrite the names of people you care about in the air discreetlybelow your waist Fiddle with anything that requires your fullattention like word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worry later Keep anotebook and pen handy The next time anxiety is triggered orcould be write the concern down and lay it aside Set a date ortime to address the issue perhaps with a safe person
BONUS Keep Your Mind Busy With Purpose
180
For ideas about purposeful activities and meaningfulrelationships during pandemic isolation see my free e-bookStay at Home and Thrive
Retrain Your Thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
181
182
Notes
A donation to Grace Alliance is appreciated in exchange for
this free book
Mental Health Grace Alliancecultivates healthy solutions through
simple innovative biblical truths scientific research and practical tools
It is grace made practical for our mental and emotional health and
resiliency
Mental Health Grace Alliance is a 501(c)3 non-profit organization
Grace Alliance is unaffiliated with Always the Fight Ministries 2020
No donations benefit Nancy Virden financially
Table of Contents
The Difference Makerhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Self-Doubthelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Toxic Shamehelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Self-loathinghelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Extreme Conclusions helliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
HopelessnesshelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellipTo Supports 83
Jealousy and Envyhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Destructive Blamehelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Perceived Dependencyhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Fearhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Appendixhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
5
15
27
39
49
69
92
102
117
131
147
We closed the meeting said goodbye and headed toward our
cars A full to-do list along with a sense of anxious helplessnessfilled my thoughts I cant I cant do it all
Randomly my mind wandered Even if I wanted to clean-up themillions of bee-bee size stones it would be an unsafe waste ofhours A less tedious walk would be nice but the problem was notmine to fix My job was simply to do my best at staying upright
Finally at home I slumped into a chair in silence heart andthoughts racing in stride There still wrapped in my coat handsand feet dressed for the winter chill I sagged under the weight ofbarren strength It was a familiar feeling being overwhelmed
Nothing was left of me on which to lean The whole of my effortslately seemed to accomplish nothing toward higher goals Defeat
5
1The Difference Maker
Walking was treacherous Potholes markedthe parking lot evidence of years of poundingstorms and heavy traffic Miniscule pebblessprinkled a disordered hopscotch as if largerocks had been pulverized over patches of old
and newer asphalt
ldquoI canrsquotrdquo
becomes
our miracle
and exhaustion forced surrender ldquoGod Irsquom sorry I canrsquothelliprdquo
I canrsquot finish what we started canrsquot move from this chair canrsquotplan another meeting see anyone or write another paragraphI canrsquot
Heaven sent three words to complete my whispered prayer ldquobutYou canrdquo The parking lot had been an object lesson It was timeto set down what was not mine to fix
ldquoI canrsquot but You canrdquo became a regular confession One step afteranother this phrase called attention to the One whose strengthdoes not wither whose love never fails and whose offers of restand healing are constant
ldquoThe Lord will fight for you You needonly be stillrdquo God told Mosessup1
ldquoCome to me all you who are wearyand carry heavy burdensrdquo Jesuspromised ldquoI will give you restrdquo sup2
Beyond burn-out daily life often feelsgravelly and threatening whenparalyzed by the past insecurities
The Lord will
fight for you
You need only
be still Exodus 1414
and depressive thinking we make littleprogress toward personal wholeness
Much of the time we stay stuck in fear oflosing what is familiar what it is we thinkwe have learned to control We chasepebbles instead of purpose
6
ldquoLet God transform you into a new person by changing the wayyou thinkrdquo wrote Paul one of the earliest believers in theChristian faithsup3 His term changing or renewing means to makean exchange
God is on our side ldquoI canrsquotrdquo becomes our miracle when we addldquoThe Difference Maker can and Irsquoll let himrdquo
What does God have to do with it
ldquoWho would you rather trust He is the Difference-Makerrdquo - a psychologist
Each are temporary Not only do they fluctuate with discoveryopinions moods and the market none reach into our deepestneed and make us permanently whole
The Difference Maker is well different Not a what but a who hedoes not change like shifting shadows⁴ nor can he be chained tohuman personality knowledge or man-made rites or rules He isgreater than everything we call finished
Godrsquos nature is to be there for us faithful to keep his promiseseven in troubling times His nature is constant which gives us
We like whats What time is it What is thescore What will happen next Educationscience financial security religion andpsychology to name a few have theirpurposes From them we may experience asense of fulfillment and some answers to ourquestion what
7
hope and firm ground in which to stake our trust
Because of his love for each of us he made a way to spend foreverwith us He is holy without any deceit or darkness at all⁵ We arenot as we all know⁶ To permit our guilt (deceit darkness) intohis holy presence he had to make a sacrifice
Instead of compromising his holy nature he provided a holy (nodeceit no darkness) gift that we can choose or refuse One day wewill all stand before God with or without his gift When we cometo him bearing this gift we will be ushered into his heaven⁷ Thenews is dreadful for those who do not have the gift with them⁸
The gift is free salvation offered by Godrsquos grace through faith inhis Son Jesus⁹ It is by accepting this gift that we become Godrsquoschildren and heirs to everything in his kingdomsup1⁰
We have this wonderful future with God to anticipate yet he iswith us now He has sent his Spirit the Holy Spirit (again nodeceit no darkness) to teach us and to touch us emotionally withspiritual truth
One of the best gifts we can open today is Godrsquos peace ldquoThe Lordgives his people strength the Lord blesses them with peacerdquosup1sup1Peace is our new state of being as we learn to apply his truththrough his processes
Paul said it best when he wrote the following
When I think of all this I fall to my knees and pray to theFather the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth Ipray that from his glorious unlimited resources he willempower you with inner strength through his Spirit Then
8
Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in himYour roots will grow down into Godrsquos love and keep youstrong
And may you have the power to understand as all Godrsquospeople should how wide how long how high and how deephis love is May you experience the love of Christ though it istoo great to understand fully Then you will be made completewith all the fullness of life and power that comes from Godsup1sup2
God is love
I will give you a new heart and put anew spirit in you I will remove fromyou your heart of stone and give youa heart of flesh Ezekiel 3626niv
If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son ofGod God lives in them and they in God And so weknow and rely on the love God has for us God islove 1 John 415-16niv
He cares about broken hearts He heals the brokenheartedand binds up their wounds
Psalm 1473niv
You LORD hear the desire of theafflicted you encourage them and youlisten to their cry Psalm 1017niv
He is with us during depression
He offers inside-out change
9
Godrsquos power is at work Now to him who is able to doimmeasurably more than all weask or imagine according to hispower that is at work within us tohim be gloryhellip Ephesians 320-21niv
I say to myself ldquoThe LORD is myinheritance therefore I will hope inhimrdquo -Jeremiah Lamentations 324
He offers eternal hope
He offers joy I came that they may have and enjoy life andhave it in abundance -Jesus John 1010amp
This is not a God will fix you book It is a door that opens into thediscovery of biblical solutions you may not know exist
This is also not a miracle-cure book The miracle is the DifferenceMaker and how he lifts you above depressive thoughts
10
12
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord you teach
ldquohellipwhatever is true
whatever is noble whatever
is right whatever is pure
whatever is lovely whatever
is admirablemdashif anything is
excellent or praiseworthymdash
think about such thingsrdquo
Help me Lord to change my
depressive thoughts
Based on Philippians 48
___________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
1 What consistent triggering event and response do youexperience
___________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
Practical Exercise 1 Make the Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use a napeven though a minute earlier you were not tired This is a type ofthought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bed the visualautomatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Begin noticing what runs through your brain in different situationsHow do certain thoughts make you feel
If you are uncertain how to answer the last question try this quickexperiment Think for 30 seconds on this yearrsquos news and noticeyour emotions Now focus on your favorite memory for 30 secondsIn which direction did your feelings travel when you changed theseintentional thoughts
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom where andwhy of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take the time tocomplete the following exercise (for each thought habit) and you willbe surprised at the worthwhile outcome
12
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchangeyour triggerrsquos association from gloomy to whatgenerally rightens your mood
3 What is your thought-habit
_______________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_______________________________________________(Example l feel content)
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with thingsyou love move the bed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularlyfor foot rubs saying prayers or texting jokesto your friends Avoid texts from work oropen them elsewhere)
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of thespace with open curtains worship music or a self-startingcoffee maker (Avoid texts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
__________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
13
7 What action will you take next time this triggering eventoccurs
__________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts More seriousepisodes of depression anxiety or other challenges may follow apattern or cycle Ideas throughout the following chapters can helpcreate new thinking patterns to replace negative thought habits
14
2Self-Doubt
Her eyes climb sparkling windowpanes to the tenth floor as she
stands frozen facing the entrance to an imposing office buildingAudrey has researched this job opportunity for days Do I knowenough Her binder is loaded with documents What did I forgetHer attire is professional I should have worn those other shoes
A woman walks past carrying a briefcase She looks put-togetherWhat if she is applying Audrey has recently earned a degree thefirst in her family to finish college But it is only a bachelorrsquos and Ihave no experience She catches her reflection in the glass doorsIrsquom too young
Finally Audrey caves What was I thinking They will never hireme This was a mistake Irsquom going home
Some thoughts My judgment is questionable Is this the right decision Am I good enough No one will take me
seriously I do not know if I am making a difference Fears of rejection and failure are paralyzing
ldquoGet Wisdomrdquo
[Godrsquos] still on the throne And those of us who know him putour trust in him and him alone I donrsquot put my trust in
15
ldquoGet wisdomrdquo is the challenge King Solomon of ancient Israel gaveto his son ldquoThough it cost all you have get understandingrdquosup1 Iwonder if his urgency was inspired by the story of his parentsKing David and Bathshebasup1∙⁵
Get wisdom from believers who listen to the Holy Spirit King David took another manrsquos wife Bathsheba and killed theman God detested this terrible deed and David knew it Drowningin lies and excuses he lived in total denial
Nathan the prophet listened to Godrsquos Holy Spirit and called David
Washington I donrsquot put my trust in the United Nations I donrsquotput trust in myself I donrsquot put my trust in my money I put mytrust in the Lord Jesus Christ When all the rest of it fails andcrumbles and shatters Hersquoll be there - Billy Graham
16
Reliance on
Godrsquos wisdom
means our
judgment is
not our only
resource
Self-doubt traps us between fear andfailure Trusting God to show us what todo may seem contradictory to our goal ofthinking for ourselves with confidence Ofcourse we are not created conformists orrobots
Nonetheless we cannot know more thanwe know Reliance on Godrsquos wisdommeans our judgment is not our onlyresource Even when we do not know thewhere what why or how ofcircumstances we never have toquestion Gods ability to lead
out on his rationalizing Truth hit David hard Hebroke down His tears of grief were not only regretbut repentance
Repentance is a combination of sorrow oversinning (wrongdoing) against God and a turningaway from those sins David later wrote in such away it is evident he changed direction His prayeris one we can repeat
Solomon became king remembering his fatherrsquoslessons Above long life riches or militaryvictory he prayed for an understanding mind anddiscerning heart to know the difference betweenright and wrongsup3
Growth and discernment are natural results of asincere and disciplined relationship with JesusAge and many years in the church do notguarantee this Spiritually mature believers havedeeper understanding of sound judgment becauseby constant practice they have trainedthemselves to distinguish good from evil⁴ Thereis much to be said for such experience
A man thanked a boy for giving him directionsadding ldquoIrsquom the new pastor Come to church
17
ldquoSearch me O God and know my heart test meand know my anxious thoughts Point outanything in me that offends you and lead mealong the path of everlasting liferdquosup2
Sunday and Irsquoll show you how get to heavenrdquo
The boy was skeptical Awww come on You dont even know theway around town
God promises ldquoI willhellip teach you in the way you should gordquo⁵ LikeNathan God still appoints people who listen to the Holy Spirit tospeak truth
The better part of wisdom is admitting when we have reached theend of what we know and humbly asking for directions
Get wisdom from the Holy BibleGodrsquos Word is not merely words on paper All Scripture is God-breathed according to Paul⁶ None of it is false
No prophecy or book in the Bible came from the writerrsquos initiativeor human understanding There is but one author God People likePaul who wrote profound letters were moved by the Holy Spirit⁷
Paul continues by saying the Bible is useful for correcting andtraining so servants of God (believers) will be thoroughlyequipped for every good deed and ministry⁸ He strongly impliesthat without such correction and training we will not have thenecessary tools to do Godrsquos work
Several hyper-religious hypocrites tried to trap Jesus with loadedquestions In one incident Jesus replied ldquoAre you not in errorbecause you do not know the Scriptures or the power of Godrdquo ⁹
Jesus could not be tricked into a defensive position because heknew the Word of God intimately He understood the heart of it
18
because he knew the Father so well If we are not studying thebook we will find ourselves floundering So often we leaveourselves vulnerable to the latest arguments and philosophies
Saturating in the Bible whether through reading or audio is howwe learn who God is how he relates to us personally and how torespond to him Without this we miss out on the power of God
I recommend reading the Bible in large chunks Headingschapters and verse numbers have been added by publishers tohelp us navigate and find specific passages these markings do notexist in the original writings Context and flow of meaning arericher without those divisions so try to pretend they are not there
As variations from reading I enjoy the NIV dramatized versionaudio Bible and movies that directly quote New Testament books
The Bible is also not published in chronological order You mayfind it more fascinating and exciting to follow a chronological listof books and passages These are easily found online
Get wisdom from knowing Godrsquos willSelf-doubt interrupts our ability to process leaving us stranded ina place of pain the valley of indecision We want to know Godrsquoswill for us yet our prayers are mixed with fear and negative what-ifs
19
Sam enjoys the pace of factory work He is good with his hands andfeels a sense of pride in a dayrsquos accomplishments He holds nostudent debt can leave his job at the factory and is fully presentfor his family in the evenings
Sam would be miserable managing the factory After dealing withcontractors and payroll and customers all day he would returnhome uptight business school loans still due
If Sam were offered these jobs what would you recommend forhim God is not the author of confusionsup1⁰ Most of the time hespeaks through the obvious and we can over-spiritualize things tothe point they make no sense
God made us with innate talents and gifts He placed us in culturesamong people who will help develop our likes and dislikesAssuming we are not choosing to sin we can make life choicesbased on what suits our unique qualities best
If Audrey faces that office building knowing the job is one that willdry up her talents then walking away is likely wise Of course Godgrows us within the challenging features of his calling We tend toenjoy what we are successful doing and skills increase withpractice Trying a new experience is an adventure
20
Where We
Find JoyOur
Will
Godrsquos
Will
21
He has already revealed his will for us anyway Comparing ouroptions to his known will makes for simpler decisions if they donot match we need to change
Firstly we must have faith in God and In his Son Jesus Withoutfaith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes tohim must believe that he exists and that he rewards those whoearnestly seek himsup1sup1
Secondly with the help of the Holy Spirit we are to transformbecoming more like Christ in attitude which is love for othersobedience to the Father and willingness to suffer for the truthsup1sup2
Thirdly we are told to focus on the spiritual kingdom of Jesussup1sup3My grandmother had a sign hung prominently in her dining roomAs one who wanted to make a difference in the world it spoke tome throughout my youth
lsquoTis only one life
lsquoTwill soon be past
Only whatrsquos done for Christ will last
God feels with you and knows how exhausted and overloaded youare at times Do what you want and can do His work in us is allabout growing in love not more pressure to meet human orreligious standards
Get wisdom from prayerPerhaps the most comforting promise about using good judgment
22
was recorded by Jesusrsquo brother James ldquoIf any of you lacks wisdomyou should ask God who gives generously to all without findingfault and it will be given to yourdquosup1⁴
Without finding fault what a relief We do not have to clean-upbefore approaching our Holy Father He has only one condition forhis perfect guidance to get through to us James wrote ldquoBut whenyou ask you must believe and not doubtrdquosup1⁴
A pastor proposed an idea for knowing when we have receivedGodrsquos answer
Ask Make a specific request to God such as ldquoIs it best I take thisjobrdquo or ldquoDo I owe Becky an apologyrdquo
Listen Pay attention to the first thought that follows yourrequest
Act Go with that first thought
But I will make a mistake Irsquoll think of something wrong That iswhere doubt comes in God is more than capable of getting hismessage through all the muck in our heads Every time I haveapplied this pastorrsquos idea every time the answer has been the rightone
Confusion comes with arguing It is true Trying to have my wayand ldquoaskrdquo him at the same time forces a did he answer or did he notanswer internal battle That is on me not him Self-doubt will pop-up its ugly head nevertheless it loses its power if we refuse tosecond-guess God
Faith and trust increase the better we know him ldquoBe still and knowthat I am Godrdquo he sayssup1⁵ Be still Turn off the television and
23
phone go somewhere quiet and meditate onwho is this God and Creator of the universe
Open your Bible with this prayer ldquoGod pleaseshow me what this means to my life mysituation Please reveal what I need to learnabout Yourdquo
Love and holiness are Godrsquos nature His love is
He told
Moses his
name
ldquoI AMrdquo
unending He is the source of all good and truth in the world He isperfectly goodsup1⁶
Yet he is a mystery No one of such finite quality as we can fullymake sense of an eternal God The most studious experts ofscripture know only what God has revealed to them
He told Moses his name I AMsup1⁷ He exists As supposed to all theother false gods and idols that are man-made illusions and self-reliance which is faulty surely he can handle our situations Let usstop questioning our every move We can be still and know he isGod
Imagine Audrey goes to the job interview confident of Godrsquos lovefor her Intimidation and insecurities weaken as she exchanges self-doubt for faith
I cannot Lord You canI have not You will never abandon me
I am unseeing You know all
Please lead me along the best path
25
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Do good to your servant
according to your word
Lord Teach me knowledge
and good judgment for I
trust your commands Before
I was afflicted I went
astray but now I obey
your word
Psalm 11965-67
Practical Exercise 2 Pros and Cons
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible or ask amature follower of Christ to see if there is already an answer givenStep three Be brutally honest with all the pros and cons of youroptions
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
25
Next remember who has all the answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottlewherever it will catch some light Keepit open and have slips of paper andpen available
Write down your unansweredquestions doubts about yourself andany other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside thejar is a great problem surrounded byshadows and light By faith we canaccept that we do not see all or have allthe answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimesshoot out of your jar This representsthe endless wisdom and love of God towhich we can each cling Somehowgood is going to come of what we donot understand
26
3Toxic Shame
Some thoughts I must punish myself I cannot show my face Irsquoll never tell anyone what I did or how I feel There are dozens of reasons for her to hate me I cannot go to
God because Ive done too much wrong Forgive myself Not possible
Shame is a good thing It is Without shame for wrongdoing there
would be no rehabilitation no fresh starts no amends and nochange We must feel ashamed so we are ready to apologize andmean it This is healthy
Toxic Shame is a cruel entertainer replaying mental moviesespecially at night while we snack on the poisons of self-hate andhumiliation
Toxic Shames co-conspirator is Mindreading She makes it difficultto let go of the fear that people remember and do not forgive
Toxic Shame is a relentless accuser with total-devastation potential Scores of his targets havefallen victim to physical pains anxiety or someform of self-punishment This shame preventsrest in Godrsquos love because we question ourworthiness of forgiveness
27
mistakes We do not take their words at face value Mindreadingassumes we are judged by everyone like we judge ourselves
Toxic shame cannot stand up to Godrsquos mercy
pastor the name of Jesus never escaped his lips
As he lay dying and unresponsive at age eighty-four a chaplaincame to visit He asked about Dadrsquos background and I told him whatI just told you The chaplain said something I had not consideredldquoPerhaps because he once was a pastor he does not believe he canbe forgiven for falling into sinrdquo
It makes perfect sense the way Dad wouldshrug off talk of his old days as a preacheror how he changed the subject if a regularconversation turned to faith When I or myson asked about his relationship to Jesushe always answered ldquoIrsquom working on itrdquo
ldquoPerhaps
because he was
once a pastor
he does not
believe he can
be forgivenrdquo
Refusing to forgive ourselves might seemlike humility it is the epitome of prideWe assume to have an authority greaterthan God when after he wipes away oursins we answer ldquoNot me Im too messedup even for You
Clumsy human attitudes such as this donot determine Godrsquos toward us
My dad was not easily understood Hisways were a mix of good deeds and dolingout grievous pain Although he was once a
28
Shortly after the chaplain spoke to and prayed with my dad Istepped out for a short break from keeping vigil Ten minutes latertrying to reenter Dadrsquos room it felt the door was heavy as ifpressing against a strong wind With a heavier shove I found myselfin a familiar and most welcome of atmospheres
It was still except for the sound of labored breathing The air wasthick with the closest to perfect peace as we will ever know on thisearth The dense presence of Godrsquos Holy Spirit filled the roomconcentrated in the corner over my fatherrsquos bed
The Difference Maker was answering my long-time prayer andholding a deathbed conversation with Dad Some time passed until Ifelt the presence rise and leave perhaps taking a refreshed soul withhim Within an hour my dadrsquos frail body quit trying
Jesus was crucified between two thieves One of them said to JesusldquoRemember me when you come into your kingdomrdquo
Jesus answered ldquoToday you will be with me in paradiserdquosup1
A thief and my dad Two unlikely candidates for heaven embracedfor eternity because they said yes to forgiveness
It is too bad my dad did not live a life of peace We can While werehearse old scenarios the Difference Maker forgives generously
We duck our heads in shame he wants to liftour chinssup2
Once my dad had breathed his last I askedGod if he would assure me that dad said yes tohim during their talk I opened my Bible and
29
30
landed near the end of the Old Testament
ldquoYou will not stay angry with your people forever because youdelight in showing unfailing loverdquo Micah the prophet wrote ldquoOnceagain you will have compassion on us You will trample our sinsunder your feet and throw them into the depths of the oceanrdquosup3
Do you see that God delights in showing unfailing love He wasnever about to let his child go into eternity without him In the endGod orchestrated the timing so my dad would accept forgivenessand his daughter would have the privilege of learning just how deepis the love of God for those who believe on his Son⁴
He not only removes our shame he personally has a great timedoing so He is eager to remove our fears too
I know my dad is in heaven just like I know the thief is there ldquoFor ashigh as the heavens are above the earth so great is his love for thosewho fear him as far as the east is from the west so far has heremoved our transgressions from usrdquo⁵
Other steps
Remember healthy shame It becomes toxic when we allow it to rotunattended while we refuse to deal with complicated truth
Things we ignore grow moldy and poisonous This plays out inaddiction resentment depression anger control issues self-righteousness and so much more
Godrsquos love and forgiveness are gracious and forever I will thank himfor them However he does not take our stubborn and hard
Moral inventory shapes our understanding of ourselves whichin turn shapes our relationship with God Some styles ofinventory ask us to take a hard look at our character defectsand this can create a powerful sense of our need for God Otherstyles of inventory encourage us to look not just at ourshortcomings but at our strengths as well and so the sense ofneed for God is not as strong If we write according to the firststyle of inventory we are more likely to enter in an intimaterelationship with God ndashJames Ryan of the National
Association of Christian Recovery
A fearless inventory does not shy away from total honesty with Godwho knows everything anyway⁶ We do not have to fear Godrsquosrejection He never expects perfection from humans because heknows how weak we are he remembers we are only dust⁷
Guidance for completing an inventory is on the next page
hearts and melt them against our will Steps we can take will openus to his miracles
Moral Inventory
31
ConfessionldquoDonrsquot be impressed with your own wisdomInstead fear the LORD and turn away fromevil Then you will have healing for your bodyand strength for your bonesrdquo⁸
Who knew the Bible is so psychologically apteh
The One who made us knows we need tounload shame and offers his listening earsWe share our moral inventory with him andask him to remove all our sins
Honesty 1 Peter 222
rdquoHe committed no
sin and no deceit was
found in his mouthrdquo
Sexual Purity
Hebrews 726 rdquo[Christ
Jesus] truly meets our need mdash one who is
holy blameless pure set apart from sinnershelliprdquo
Love 1 John 316 ldquoThis is how
we know what love isJesus Christ
laid down his life for
usrdquo
Unselfishness2 Corinthians
89rdquoFor you know the grace of our
Lord Jesus Christ that
though he was rich yet for your sake he became
poor so that you through his
poverty might become richrdquo
Borrowed from the Oxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes we compare
our honesty purity unselfishness and love to that of Jesus
32
Amends (not excuses)
Jesus said ldquohellipif you are offering your gift at the altar (he meant inworship of God) and there remember that your brother or sisterhas something against you leave your gift there in front of the altarFirst go and be reconciled to them then come and offer your giftrdquo⁹
That is how important making amends is to God Confessing ourwrongs to people we have hurt is a giant step toward our healingfrom toxic shame and hopefully brings some sense of closure tothem too Unless contacting them would cause them more pain wehumbly admit what we did and apologize
Forgiveness is theirs to give when and if they are ready so we donot ask for it Our forgiveness comes from above Amends may notproduce a healed relationship we do it anyway and leave others toGod
Pray blessings for your enemiesJesus prayed for his enemiessup1⁰ as did Stephen the first Christianmartyr
ldquoOpen confession is good for the soulrdquo ndashScottish proverb
33
This is an ongoing process His forgivenessis complete nonetheless we will continueto act dishonestly impurely selfishly andunlovingly at times
A caution Do not compare yourself against
other people only to Christ Jesus
Stephen prayed for those who conspired to have him stoned todeathsup1sup1 While he was dying he asked God to have mercy on hisenemies Saul of Tarsus stood among themsup1sup1∙⁵
In the name of God Saul of Tarsus zealously opposed Jesusrsquofollowers hunting them down Mercilessly he tore families apartdragging men and women believers to prison and voting for theirdeaths He tried to force them to blaspheme a criminal offensesup1sup2
Eventually he wrote half the New Testament of our Holy Bibletoday
Did Paul deserve Godrsquos grace No way That is the beauty of itnone of us do Jesus never sinned and therefore had pure love forhis enemies By praying for our enemies we recognize theirhumanity and ours The largess of Godrsquos grace heals our soul
Stay in the presentPaul could easily have been paralyzed by toxic shame as hepreached to and encouraged friends and members of those samefamilies he had killed In his sixties and under house arrest for hisfaith Paul wrote ldquohellipone thing I do Forgetting what is behind and
As he was
martyred he
asked God to
have mercy on his
enemies
God heard Stephenrsquos prayer and hadmercy on Saul After his conversionSaul changed his name to Paul (Saulwas a kingly name Paul meanslittle)
For about thirty-five years Paulserved as missionary and churchplanter willingly suffering the life hehad imposed on otherssup1sup3
34
Note We all need assistance sometimes When toxicshame is connected to unaddressed memories andtrauma emotional disturbances and the inability tofunction normally we may benefit most from professionalhelp
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love ofGod and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with yousup1⁶
straining toward what is ahead I press onhelliprdquo sup1⁴
Toxic shame can be a choice The past cannot change why wastetime on it Today and tomorrow with the Difference Maker in thelead we have the opportunity to follow his plan of escape from self-defeating thoughts and live a different kind of life
Godrsquos promise is that no shadow of shame will darken our faces ifwe look to himsup1⁵ Read the book of John as you begin orstrengthen your walk with God
35
Prayer to the Difference Maker
ldquohellipmany are saying of my soul
lsquoThere is no salvation for him in Godrsquo
But you O LORD
are a shield about me my glory
and the lifter of my headrdquo
Psalm 32-4 (ESV)
Practical Exercise 3 Examine the Evidence
If
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes toone of the questionson the left you havea new day in thecourt of your mindCheck out thecorresponding linkson the right
37
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Prison- no parole
Next secure your release
38
4Self-loathing
Mr Negative self-
talk destroys
identities and
paralyzes dreams
Period That is all
he does
Mr Self-loathing blinds us to thewonderful mysteries of otherpeople by laser-beam focusinginward In public we worry if weare coming across okay In privatewe wonder what others think aboutus
When we do not believe in ouraptitude personality or lovabilitywe miss out on the love others tryto extend Compliments upset us
Some thoughts Irsquom not good enough No one can love meIrsquom too old or young too fat or thin too uneducated or
inexperienced too introverted or boisterous Irsquom always too much and too little Ugly Idiot Trouble
Thats me I am a mistake
Mr Self-loathing is in the ldquoIrdquo business He sells I-should-not be
me and I-should-have-done-better His top sales manager MsSense of Worthlessness invented Irsquom not-as-good-as-so-n-so andIrsquom-sorry-for-everything Their chief of business communicationsolrsquo Negative Self-talk specializes in I am a loser of every typeimaginable
39
because in our minds they cannotpossibly be true We believepeople are only placating us forwhat purpose we do not knowMiniscule mistakes blare I canrsquotget anything right
Loathing is a strong term andappropriate for this self-debasingthinking As a thought habit itresponds well to Practical Exercise1
If we buy the goods Ms Sense ofWorthlessness sells self-loathing
goes public She excels at over-apologizing One of her favorites isldquoOh excuse merdquo (even though you nearly knocked me onto mykeester and two pounds of chocolate chips ripped open in front ofmy three very young children who now look like foraging raccoonsBut hey Irsquom sorry- to you- who is long gone)
Another favorite is ldquoIrsquom sorry to bother yourdquo (though you said I amnot bothering you a minute ago and each time I have walked intoyour office since you hired me you have said the same)
She also encourages her customers to say I am sorry with bodylanguage when nothing out of the ordinary has occurred
Maybe we rationalize apologies as nice polite or sympatheticUnfortunately unnecessary and excessive apologizing generallyframes us as untrustworthy and weak even if we are not thosethings The practice works against us
40
Mr Negative Self-talk destroys identities and paralyzes dreamsPeriod That is all he does His attacks against our wellbeing are oldvoices thoughts and beliefs playing on a loop each geared towardthe abuse and vandalization of our minds bodies and spirits
One meme says ldquoIf a friend speaks to you the way you speak toyourself how long will you be friendsrdquo Well what if a friend talksabout herself using thoughts you hold against yourself how longbefore you try to reassure her
Baggage and Beliefs
Some of our baggage is based on negative false core beliefs usuallyadopted in childhood Three steps form a belief
bull A significant person to us one in authority or someone we trustor admire sends or affirms a message positive or negativethrough speech or actions
bull Our experience must support that message whether byperception or reality
bull Then we must repeat the message to ourselves
For instance a teacher says ldquoYou are weak at mathrdquo On the nextexam you miss some equations This experience might become yourldquoevidencerdquo of weakness in math By repeating to yourself Irsquomterrible at math you affix the belief
Negative false core beliefs often buried deep inside and out ofsight strongly affect our decisions even when we are unaware
Jeff is not introspective and tends to go about his business with anair of certainty However he turns down promotions and lately
41
His dad had been promoted severaltimes within the company for whichhe worked most of his life At an olderage he was fired and replaced by ayounger man who earned less Thishappened when Jeff was a teenagerand he heard an earful as his dadblamed the bosses the ldquosystemrdquo andbad luck
Jeff picked up on the message that nomatter how hard one tries gettingahead will result in financial disasteranyway Throughout his life hegathered evidence of injusticesupporting this message Hemumbled ldquoThatrsquos the way it isrdquo untilhe no longer had to be aware of it tobase his life around it
Uncovering this core belief changedhis attitude He took time to challengethe old fear with evidence to thecontrary
42
A
message
Experience
backs it up
We repeat
the
message to
ourselves
anger rises when the manager asks him to take on more leadershipresponsibility
Jeffrsquos wife suggests he begin to question for the first time if there ismore behind these decisions Starting with the Difference Makerhe asks for help
Beliefs Baggage
Whether he accepts a promotion is not the point He is his ownman free to make decisions about his future without an underlyingfear of loss undermining his goals
Any one of us may have our sense of identity buried under moundsof such beliefs I am stupid I am annoying No one can truly loveme I do not belong herehellip and on and on it goes We watch ourdreams float past like clouds and mutter ldquoI canrsquot I am not enoughrdquo
Another point of view
Self-loathing a sense of worthlessness and negative self-talk may
Godrsquos
Thoughts
Our
Thoughts
be familiar and oddly comforting Perhaps this ishow someone significant to us treats us Maybe itis all we have known No matter how the put-downs started God wants to change our thinking
He highly values us He created people in hisimagesup1 He made humans but a little lower thanhimselfsup2
These facts do not make us little gods he alone isGod He said ldquoMy thoughts are nothing like yourthoughts and my ways are far beyond anythingyou could imaginerdquosup3
By questioning our worth are we not assuminghis thoughts are the lower ones We curse onehuman being who is made in Godrsquos likeness andoften harshly judge others who remind us ofourselves⁴
43
Take in the Difference Makerrsquos messages
I am whole as Godrsquos artFor I am Godrsquos handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do goodworks which he prepared in advance for me to do ⁵
He created my inmost being he knit me together in my motherrsquoswomb⁶
I am whole because I am newThis means that I who belong to Christ have become a new personMy old life is gone a new life has begun⁷
Because of the LORDrsquos great love I am not consumed for hiscompassions never fail They are new every morning Great is Godrsquosfaithfulness ⁸
God does not make mistakes therefore I matter God loves me with an unending love therefore I am lovable
I am human with strengths and weaknesses like everyone therefore I am as valuable
There is purpose for my life therefore I will make a differenceI am who God says I am therefore I have a unique identity
44
Taking Godrsquos point of view to heart is to embrace grace thatmysterious and priceless gift of Godrsquos favor and blessing that no onecan earn
45
I belong because I am Godrsquos childSee what great love the Father has lavished on me that I should becalled a child of God And that is what I am ⁹
I belong and am a friend of JesusI am friends with the Lord and Savior Yes Abraham believedGodhellip and he was called a friend of Godsup1⁰
He calls me friend for everything that he has learned from theFather he has made known to mesup1sup1
I am secureThough my father and mother forsake me the LORD will receivemesup1sup2
I am one of Good Shepherdrsquos sheep and I listen to his voice Heknows me and I follow him He gives me eternal life and I willnever perish No one can snatch me away for the Father is morepowerful than anyone else No one can snatch me from the Fatherrsquoshandsup1sup3
I am strong when I am weakChristrsquos grace is all I need His power works best in myweakness So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so thatthe power of Christ can work through mesup1⁴
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Thank you for making me so
wonderfully complex Your
workmanship is marvelous -
how well I know it
Psalm 13914
Practical Exercise 4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a game somethingwith a little challenge in it to help make a thought exchange So Imade one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Word-Swap
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automatically
speak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourself
names Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckhellipExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friendhellip
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might makeyou cringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
47
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look about youand write down all you have accomplished in the last 24 hours (Youread this page right That is one) No matter how small you think theaccomplishment it is evidence to the contrary of never do anythingright
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved ones tomarketers to abusers messages given us as children and older cancome from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable of realisticinsight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged false negative corebeliefs of their own Are they suggestible and reactionary with theiremotions Are they knowledgeable and wise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
48
Next test messages and messengers
5Extreme
Conclusions How I feel in this moment is how I will always feel No
one is trustworthy If the result will be perfect Irsquoll do it if not I wonrsquot try God only helps those who help themselves
Irsquoll make sure you are happy Irsquoll sleep when Irsquom dead I always do what is right and you never do If I do not get
this new job Irsquoll have to go back to the old one
Extreme conclusions are mental
destinations We travel there via trains ofthought Four main engines pull separate linesof cargo cars loaded with random thoughtsand assumptions These engines are calledBlack-and-white All-or-nothing Either-orand Pass-fail
Extreme conclusions are depressive whenexpectations are not met For example in thesports world winning is everything If an
Disclaimer Absolute truths exist as expressedthroughout this book that is not the topic here
Pass-fail
athlete with a pass-fail mindset loses the athletersquos sense of personalvalue may hang on the scoreboard
49
Primarily this mindsetjudges By dissecting life andboxing it in with manmaderules it labels situationspeople ideas emotions andeven God as all good or all
bad
Unwanted or disagreeable
Throughout a lifetime gray areas or for the sake of this chapter themiddle track is where most decisions are made We want to land atreasonable conclusions Listening learning compromising makingfair judgments and extending mercy swiftly carry us to that moresatisfying place
Once there we find closer relationships higher self-esteemforgiveness and honesty
It is imperative our thoughts ride the middle rails Outside of thatwe lose sight of options We wind up lost in Extreme Conclusionsour minds closed
Black-and-white (judgmental)
Black-and-white thinking is themonster truck of thought enginesthe gold medalist in conveyingundecipherable messages to ourbrain at speeds so fast that we areat Extreme Conclusions wellbefore we have had a chance to reconsider
50
ideas and emotions are stored out of reach and dismissed
Jesus lived in the gray Violently against hypocricy and manmadereligious laws and passionate about his Father he taught atransformative love
Do not judgesup1 open your eyes and arms to the strangersup2 and sharewith those in needsup3 he preached Greet people who are not yourpeople⁴ pray for your enemies⁵ and do to others as you wouldwant them to do to you⁶
He was radical then and still is It was against religious rules to doany work on the Sabbath yet Jesus healed people and allowed hishungry disciples to pick grain on holy days He lifted women to ahigher plane speaking to them directly and treating them with thesame respect he offered men He welcomed women to choosediscipleship Love and decency shown to the poor and sociallydespised became a hallmark of his ministry
He was not so patient with religious hypocrites
Jesus told a now-famous parable⁷ about extreme conclusions of theself-righteous black-and-white variety and their opposite
A man of a certain race and creed was beaten by robbers and left todie Two people of the same race and creed saw him lying there andignored him
Why He was inconvenient They had work to finish and religiousrules to follow Touching a dead man back then would make themceremonially unclean for seven days⁸ They would not take thechance
51
A third man came along this time of a race andcreed that shared a long-standing animositytoward the people of the robbed man Normallythese two populations did not interact or eventouch some of the same items
Social norms did not cause this third passer-by tohesitate He saw only human need and rushed tothe aid of a person dying by the side of the roadInstead of us versus them he chose middleground
He saw
only
human
need and
rushed to
the aid of
a person
dying by
the side of
the roadInstead of
us versus
them he
chose
middle
ground
He cleaned the manrsquoswounds with oil andwine bandaged hislacerations and tookhim to an inn where theowner agreed to watchover his recovery Thekind stranger paid forroom and boardpromised to check backand left to go about hisbusiness
Black and whitejudgments often have
52
nothing to do with love The Difference Makerreminds us that he holds all knowledge and weknow but part⁹ Blinded to a log in our eyes wewill hurt people by attempting speck-removalsurgery on theirssup1⁰
ldquoMake sure that the light you think you have is not actuallydarkness If you are filled with light with no dark corners then yourwhole life will be radiant as though a floodlight were filling youwith lightrdquosup1⁰∙⁵
All-or-nothing (misdirected drive)
All-or-nothing is 101 investment in a single area of life to theexclusion of all else It is a one-track train of thought
state of constant motion stress and guilt
Whatever consumes our priorities and imagination vital momentsand relationships that make life worthwhile wilt in the cabooseDepression is an unsurprising pay-off as are heart attacks Balanceis in the middle
Common modern misdirected drives such as the love of money andcontrol over onersquos destiny are also ancient
A rich young mansup1sup1 clearly spiritually sensitive approached JesusldquoI have carefully followed all the ten commandmentsrdquo he saidldquoWhat else must I do to earn eternal liferdquo
With love Jesus offered a shocking plan He suggested the man sellhis possessions and give the money to the poor This ran far deeper
Be it work education legacyfame power pursuit of moneyor anything else an all-or-nothingmindset mimics tyrannythreatening to stop us altogetherunless we remain in a deplorable
53
than asking for a donation Jesusrsquo intentions appear less aboutsacrificial giving than faith
One sect of religious teachers at the time commonly taught thatwealth proved Godrsquos approval and was a likely ticket to heaven ifheaven existed The young man went away sad and this falseteaching may be part of the reason His question had been aboutobeying rules Jesusrsquo answer challenged him to lsquobreakrsquo one of theso-called rules that provided comfort
Driven to earn more collect more and reassure himself he missedeverything he had been looking for He was afraid of losing statushis hope of salvation by a means other than Jesus
heaven what hope was there for the poor For them Theyasked ldquoWho then can be savedrdquo
Jesus said ldquoWith man this is impossible but with God all thingsare possiblerdquo In one sentence he negated the notion that anythingbut Godrsquos grace can usher people into eternal life
All-or-nothing thinking potentially affects us in any area Jesussaid ldquoNo one can serve two masters For you will hate one and lovethe other you will be devoted to one and despise the otherrdquosup1sup2
To his disciples who witnessed thisexchange Jesus said ldquoIt is easierfor a camel to go through the eye ofa needle than for a rich person toenter the kingdom of Godrdquo
They were naturally astounded atthis unfamiliar teaching If it wereimpossible for the rich to enter
54
A popular heresy is the ldquoprosperity gospelrdquo promising gulliblepeople that God wants them rich Lest there be any doubt Paulexplains this topic in a letter to the young pastor Timothy
ldquoThese are the things you are to teach and insist on If anyoneteaches otherwise and does not agree to the sound instruction of ourLord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching they are conceited andunderstand nothing They have an unhealthy interest incontroversies and quarrels about words that result in envy strifemalicious talk evil suspicions and constant friction between peopleof corrupt mind who have been robbed of the truth and who thinkthat godliness is a means to financial gain
ldquoBut godliness with contentment is great gain For we broughtnothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it But if wehave food and clothing we will be content with that Those whowant to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into manyfoolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin anddestruction For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil Somepeople eager for money have wandered from the faith and piercedthemselves with many griefshellip
ldquoCommand those who are rich in this present world not to bearrogant nor to put their hope in wealth which is so uncertain butto put their hope in God who richly provides us with everything forour enjoyment Command them to do good to be rich in gooddeeds and to be generous and willing to share In this way they willlay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the comingage so that they may take hold of the life that is truly liferdquo
1 Timothy 63-19niv
55
Either-or (limited vision)
when he applied for work on the railroad in 1944 He was tooyoung Extreme conclusions told him it was useless to try againalthough the original dream never died
It is easy to look at William and think he could have tried hardernonetheless what about us Have we given up dreaming Are westaying in abusive relationships because we cannot see a way outHave we denied ourselves recovery because it seems impossibleDo we accept mental health struggles with an ldquooh wellrdquo shrug andbalk at seeking help
Do we worship the all-powerful all-knowing always-loving ldquoGodwith usrdquosup1sup3 or keep our distance for fear he will ruin our lives
Maybe we hide behind either-or too
Train tracks mechanically move at what are aptly called switchesRailyards have complex systems allowing engines with or withoutcars to completely reverse and travel the opposite direction
Either-or narrows ourvision to only two possiblechoices It leaves no spacefor fresh solutions Livingin this mindset isdepressive becausewhatever we want outsideof these limited options islocked out of consideration
William was turned down
56
What if God plans to conduct me through the impossible
What if his strength is enough for me to try something new
What if his wisdom will guide me safely away from repeated effortsthat have never worked and into freedom
What if I survive What if I can start over What if
Maryrsquos and Martharsquos brother Lazarus was severely illsup1⁴ Worriedthe sisters sent an urgent message to Jesus Please come
His reaction is still jolting
Lazarus died To many Jesusrsquo slowness did not look like concernenough
Martha ran to meet him as he arrived at town She said ldquoIf you hadonly been here my brother would not have diedrdquo
ldquoNow Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus Sowhen he heard that Lazarus was sick he stayed where hewas two more dayshelliprdquo (italics mine)
Switches are a massive undertaking andan engineering marvel
In what we may appropriately callanother marvel the Difference Makerwillingly switches at any time our one-track thoughts If we allow Godrsquospossibilities to override our either-orfaith asks a positive ldquowhat ifrdquo
57
Mary slumped at his feet tortured by the same thought ldquoLord ifyou had been herehelliprdquo Visitors who had come to grieve with Marthaand Mary mumbled ldquoHe could have saved Lazarusrsquo lifehelliprdquo
Deeply impassioned by the lack of faith around himsup1⁵ Jesuswalked to a small cave covered by a stone It was Lazarusrsquo graveldquoMove the stonerdquo he said
ldquoBut Lordrdquo said Martha ldquoBy this time there is a bad odor for hehas been there four daysrdquo
Lazarusrsquo sisters were stuck in either-or thinking partially due to thesociety in which they grew up Among the many false religiousteachings of their day it was believed that the soul left the bodypermanently after three days
The stone out of the way Jesus called in a loud voice ldquoLazaruscome outrdquo
Lazarus emerged from the dark caveinto daylight Jesus said ldquoTake offhis grave clothes and let him gordquo
No one had expected this No onedreamed that Jesusrsquo love includedthe inexplicable
No one had
expected
this
Four days after death meant no more hopefor miracles Either Jesus had come quicklyor it was too late Either Jesus had raisedLazarus a day earlier or it was impossibleeven for him
58
The disciples had heard him say earlier that Lazarus would live Hehad informed Martha also that Lazarus would be raised Yet thatwas not enough for them to understand and believesup1⁶
Jesus wept with Mary and Martha yearning to increase their faithHe was glad to see many of the witnesses finally set aside theirdoubts
The resurrection of Lazarus was significant for another reasonWhen powerful religious leaders heard about this miracle theirsomewhat paranoid ideas about Jesus and how many people wereturning to him increased They convened as a unit to plot Jesusrsquomurder not admitting they had no power to kill him outside ofGodrsquos timing
Ultimately by waiting to answer the sistersrsquo desperate plea thecompletion of Christ Jesusrsquo great mission took place voluntarilypaying the bloody price for our sins and coming back from deathThrough the experience of Lazarus he had left his followers withproof of his power to restore life no matter the odds
The death Lazarus endured was never in vain God who exists intimelessness knew precisely what everyone needed most They sawsuffering he saw the unfolding of his perfect plan They grieved theend of a life he rejoiced at the beginning of eternal life for all whowould trust in him completely
The Difference Makerworks miracles farbeyond either-or
59
60
A pass-or-fail train of thought is brutal Without mercy itdemands an accounting for every mistake Do not think it rewardswise choices No this train is on to the next opportunity to runover its victim Most often that is you
Olivetrsquos goal is to find a job in a new career Measuring her successby using a scale of 1-100 she gives herself a 30 for returning toschool as an older adult Finishing with an Associatersquos degree sheadds another 30 She finds it difficult to land a job Does this dropher back to zero
Pass-or-fail thinking takes such a punch and does not rise All thiseffort has been a waste of time
Mercy accepts realityrsquos middles Is stamina in Olivetrsquos job searchworth 20 She counts her successful steps Already she is at 80and not yet hired
Is anything more emotionallyself-punishing than to measureourselves against an impossiblestandard The psalmist wroteldquoEven perfection has itslimitshelliprdquosup1⁷
Pass-or-fail (merciless)
Unemployed Olivet might look like a loserto some Not to God ldquoPeople judge by theoutward appearance but the Lord looks atthe heartsup1⁸
61
One of Jesusrsquo closest friends Peter was an emotional man withgood intentions and quick impulses Words tended to leap from hismouth before careful thought
He opened his mouth one time too many Only hours before Jesuswas arrested on trumped-up charges Peter vowed his allegiancesaying ldquoEven if I have to die with you I will never deny yourdquosup1⁹
Jesus said ldquoPeter before morning by the time a rooster crowstwice you will have already denied me three timesrdquo
A crowd of men armed with swords and clubs took Jesus intocustody in the middle of the night His disciples scattered in fearPeter had enough courage to follow Jesus to the trial albeit fromfar behind He found himself hiding near a campfire with guardsand others who had been at the arrestsup2⁰
A servant girl recognized him ldquoYou were one of those with Jesusrdquo
Peter answered for all those around the fire to hear ldquoI donrsquot knowwhat yoursquore talking aboutrdquo
A rooster crowed in the background
As the rumor traveled people staredA voice spoke from the shadows ldquoHeis one of themrdquo
Panicking Peter said ldquoI swear I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Other bystanders confronted him
ldquoYou must be one of his followers Youraccent gives you awayrdquo
rooster crows Agonizing shame stabbed at his heart andbeleaguered his mind You will deny me three times before therooster crows twice Bolting from that place Peter wept bitterly
If life is a pass-fail test with God Peter failed At the mostimportant moment in history he crumbled That is not the end ofPeterrsquos story
Jesus was crucified Three days later after Jesus rose to life Peterraced with all his might to the grave to see if this report weretruesup2sup1 I imagine he had never dreamed of a second chance
Jesus showed himself to the disciples several times over the nextforty days One morning as he sat with seven of them Jesus saidto Peter ldquoDo you love me more than theserdquosup2sup2
American English is limited in that we use one word for loverelying on inflection and context to fill-in-the-blanks The ancientlanguages of the Bible were more specific Jesus was asking ldquoDoyou love me dearly more than these other disciples do Do youlove me now with total commitment and devotionrdquo
62
If life is a pass-
fail test with
God Peter
failed
ldquoA curse on me if Irsquom lying I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Immediately the rooster crowedagain
Before the rooster crows Before the
Having once said he would not deny Jesus even if everyone elsedid Peterrsquos pride was tested Understanding clearly that the Lordknew him better than he knew himself he may have been afraid toanswer Perhaps he doubted his capability to love like he had beencertain he could
He said ldquoYou know that I love You with a deep personal affectionas for a close friendrdquo
ldquoThen feed my lambsrdquo Jesus told him restoring Peter to hispreaching and teaching ministry
Jesus repeated the question ldquoSimon son of John (as Peter was alsoknown) do you love me dearly more than these others do withtotal commitment and devotionrdquo
Peter stood by his original friend-type answer
ldquoThen take care of my sheeprdquo
Suddenly Jesus changed his question ldquoPeter do you love me witha deep personal affection as for a close friendrdquo
It is almost as if Jesus were questioning Peterrsquos truth-telling but doyou really Perhaps this is how Peter heard it Still torn up byshame and self-doubt his reply was emphatic ldquoYou knoweverythingrdquo
Jesus assured him in a perplexing way ldquoWhen you grow old youwill stretch out your hands and arms and someone else will dressyou and carry you where you do not wish to gordquo
63
To Peter this dire news meant that he would one day be the manhe wanted to become Unafraid to love Jesus with his whole hearthe would stare martyrdom in the eye and courageously accept thecost of following the Messiah
One can almost feel the relief that swept over Peterrsquos body makinghis arms limp and body sag Although scripture does not tell us Iimagine Peter weeping again this time in gratitude and relief
Jesus said ldquoFollow merdquo
Three years earlier Jesus had called to Peter to follow him theoriginal language meaning ldquoCome hererdquo Peter had enthusiasticallybecome a believer and devotee Why say it again
This time the word follow was an invitation to walk the same pathJesus had walked Peter had a quality decision to make He wasforgiven and grace welcomed him back Would he accept
Later Peter faced the council that had condemned Jesus to die Thiswas said of him ldquoThe members of the council were amazed whenthey saw the boldness of Peterhelliprdquosup2sup3 Yes Peter accepted and so canwe Our failures or missteps do not determine our value
Paul reflected on why God houses his great power in humanbelievers calling us ldquofragile clay jarsrdquosup2⁴
Fragility with clay feet like Peterrsquos helps to keep us from theextreme conclusion that we are wiser than God becoming big-shotsforgetting that all good and perfect gifts are from the DifferenceMakersup2⁵ who loves us with an everlasting love
64
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord Irsquom standing at the crossroads
and looking asking for the ancient
paths asking where the good way is
so I can walk in it You promise it is
there that I will find rest for my soul
Guide me Lord Amen
Based on Jeremiah 616
66
Practical Exercise 5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
67
Keep
working
68
Next know when to say yes for a most-fulfilling life
Knowing what is of utmostimportance to you will helpprevent misdirected drive
1 Take time to list all yourcurrent obligations This willinclude family friends jobfinancial expenditures physicalhealth mental health spiritualgoals what God has asked ofyou and anything that youmust finish
2 Look realistically at theabove Is there anything thatdoes not fit within your daily
availability finances emotionalenergy or physical capabilities
3 Is there anything you canremove from this list Ask forGodrsquos wisdom
What remains are your yesses
With rare exceptions everythingelse is a no Each time you agreeto secondary activities expensesor obligations you are trading-in and saying no to something(or someone) you more highlyvalue
Making new
obligations
copyNancy Virden 2012
Popularity spending
more money
entertainmenthellip
6Hopelessness
Some thoughts No win is possible Nothing can improve These losses are too heavy with only more to come God
cannot stand me anymore My family is better off without me I am a burden Everyone else is happier I cannot
fight the pain anymore Irsquom done
True hopelessness has no sense of humor It is scary and
overbearing on each minute of the day It is not somewhat hopefullike when a possibility is unlikely it is devoid of any expectationsfor good now or in the future Abject hopelessness can be fatal
This fact drives the passion behind me and many ministries andservices trying to spread another message what seems like an endis a faccedilade fakery 0ptions are only hidden in the darkness hope isalways present even when we temporarily cannot see it
If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is call
Nothing in this book is to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care
US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis text line- Text ldquoHELLOrdquo to 741-741
For other international hotlines go here
If you are suicidal with a plan immediately call 911 in the US (112 in the
EU) or go to your nearest emergency room
69
The Real
I am a suicide attempt survivor One cannot climb out of that airlesspit without having learned new ways to breathe
Only a few days after leaving the hospital I attended the PartialHospitalization Program (PHP) suggested by my doctors There apotent weapon to use against suicidal thoughts came from anunlikely source
The scene was a small room intended for about fifteen peoplecrowded instead with twenty-five or more who were scrambling forchairs A few chatting voices exposed the general climate ldquoImheaded for rehab I just got back Im going to lose my job if Imiss any more workldquo
Most of us stared silently A single therapist managed to find spaceand called everyone to quiet
At his leading one by one people offered a number between 1-5rating the power of their suicidal thoughts Most chose 2 or 3 A fewof us with higher numbers were challenged to offer specific plansfor staying safe until the next day One man was sent back to thehospital
Then a woman spoke quietly A thought is just a thought I guesswe do not have to act on itldquo
I was stunned Her simple logic sounded profound to a braintangled in disorder and raging mood swings A thought ishellip only athought I tried to sort it out But how I feel now is how I willalways feelhellip
70
it differently but Iwill try to offer aglimpse into thatdark space
Alone in a pitch-black alley youcollapse to theground soundless
Unless you have been there it will be difficult to comprehend thegrueling emotions of a suicidal mindset Each person experiences
groans wrenching from deep within your torso
Thick briers and vipers pervade the trail that led you here Foryears you have navigated treacherous mountains of jagged rocksand falling boulders Your body is broken and bloodied
If you could or wanted to move the only way to continue yourjourney would be to grasp with ripped open hands the barbed wirefence by which you entered the alley place your torn feet on itsspikes and climb
Snarls in the blackness feel warm to your face A feral angry caninesnaps at you brushing your clothes with bared teeth Without fearyou sense it is a friend Its hungry jowls are only waiting for you todecide
As the only visible option outside of returning to the torture of whatcannot change the caninersquos guarantee is welcome hellip
Imagine then in that hopeless place hearing that the snarlingpromise is only a thought
71
The Difference Maker
It is the strangest thing When therapy started in 2011 I feltvulnerable like a toddler I could feel that inner child growing upto 6 10 then teen over the next months and years In my actualmid-fifties I declared my new 20 God gave me a chance toemotionally redo childhood safely this time while he re-parentedme with truth
What I had been so certain I could not live without never came tobe Some of the losses I feared have occurred Joy today comesfrom having rediscovered who our Creator intended me to becomePeace is from healing on the inside and finally having my hopewhere it belongs in the love of Jesus Christ
Pressure made it
nearly impossible
to breathe the
only air - leaking
from a cracked
sewer pipe
Marco was buried alive A wall of dirtand rock crashed over him forcinghis legs into a backward twist andlanding him head downwardPressure on his chest made it nearlyimpossible to breathe the only airavailable leaking from a crackedsewer pipe
The day passed as frantic rescueefforts continued Finally Marco waswhisked away to the nearest hospitalHe had been buried for eleven hours
Resulting physical disabilities make daily life challenging YetMarco has chosen contentment over bitterness Calm andcompassion have replaced old self-centered and impatient ways
72
The foundational extreme conclusion of hopelessness is thatnothing can change It may be true that our circumstances orrelationships will not change as we would like Perhaps it is we whocan change Maybe what we think we need for happiness is worthreconsidering
ldquoForget the former things do not dwell on the pastrdquo God saysldquoSee I am doing a new thing Now it springs up do you notperceive it I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in thewastelandsup1
My biggest leap toward a return to mental health was making awary deliberate decision to learn how to enjoy the life God gave tome Hope begins to appear when we choose to believe for it
The One who sees you
God loves you He cares about you He is not distant too busy ordistracted The LORD is close to the brokenheartedsup2 He whowatches over you will not slumbersup3
Hagar⁴ as an Egyptian slave pregnant and in a contentiousrelationship with the woman she served had run out of optionsShe ran away into the desert where the angel of the Lord met her
He said God was aware of her misery He promised she was havinga son who would be as free as a wild donkey⁴∙⁵ and the father ofmany nations
No doubt she carried deep longing for any future children to be freefrom slavery Reassured of her own future too she said ldquoYou arethe God who sees merdquo
73
As you walk secret trails through unwanted memories of shameand torment and you believe you are a waste of skin there isOne who knows you completely and loves
Overwhelmed in a desert of grief and questions seeing only moreloss in your tomorrows there is One who weeps with you whostands with you in broken-heartedness
He loves the child once so battered by other peoples sins He lovesthe adult in need of rescue from your own sins He sent his Son forboth and offers salvation and healing to each part of you
So when you believe there is no hope for change and everyonewill be better off without you there is One who sees hears knowsand loves
Go ahead ask him to meet you where you are He is the only Onewith the power to guide you through the next minute hour dayand year Reach out to Almighty God your Difference Maker
In your alley of hopelessness alonewhen fear of staying alive swampsyour mind and suicide seems theonly way out there is One who seesyou
Buried alive under mounds ofdespair and emptiness lying in thedark corner of a lifeless roomthere is One who hears your silentscreams and understands what youcannot speak
74
Dear child of God you are not failing him
which can come with depression From fellowship topersonal Bible study to a sense of Godrsquos love it was all missing
Of course at the time I had no idea of a physical cause for thisspiritual struggle It seemed my fault Abject lonelinesshopelessness a sense of worthlessness and guilt were what I knewPain Sorrow Torment Repeat
Occasional one-word whispered prayers lifted from my bed I criedfor what seemed like the absence of God
Then I saw Jesus There he stood in a mental picture a gift fromheaven He did not speak chase suffering away or take me to bewith him Unfelt he was only there with me in the dark I knewChrist Jesus never left
Relearning how to think resolving terrible situations physicalhealing of the brain these take a while God never walks away⁵His promises keep⁶ His love endures forever ⁷
Without a doubt the most significant lossand cause of grief as I struggled with severedepression was the inability to hear Godrsquosvoice I feared he would never speak to meagain that I had gone too far I feltspiritually dead
It was not true How can one be spirituallydead and care about it Typical experiencesaccompanying my Christian faith were outof reach due to cognitive and energy issuesand anxiety
75
1 Empathy2 Impulse Control3 Self-knowing Awareness
and Insight4 Fear Modulation5 Body Regulation6 Intuition7 Morality8 Emotion Regulation
1 Fear Processing2 Initiates the Fight Flight or
Freeze Response3 Emotional Learning4 Form Memories Related to
Intense Emotions Like Fear and Pleasure
5 Involved in Experiencing Anxiety
6 Reward ProcessingFigure 1
F U N C T I O N S
F U N C T I O N S
A few scientific facts (simplified so I can understand them) mayhelp clarify why spiritual vagueness might accompany depressionor anxiety
During an episode with depression the prefrontal cortex of ourbrain wrestles to varying degrees to function as normal Scans haveshown little activity there in a person with severe depressionResults may include impaired concentration confusion increasedimpulsivity mood swings heightened anxiety and a state offatigue
Our amygdala is also on overdrive so we are thrust into fightflight or freeze survival mode We may lose our ability to feelanything good
76
When a delivery is made to a wrong address everything in thepackage exists in full but is unavailable to the rightful owner Inthe same way while we are dealing with depression the advice torest in Godrsquos love know his joy and fill our minds with his peacelands at the wrong doorstep We have faith nevertheless there isno felt connection to him We do not experience God or lovingGod
With input running through this filter we may believe we arespiritual failures I am not good enough for God hersquos tired of meministry is over These thoughts are untrue and not how Godviews his dear children
Scripture shares testimonies of God meeting people at their pointsof need without chiding them Accounts of faith riding outdepression⁸ comfort after sorrow⁹ protection during panicsup1⁰good news calming anxietysup1sup1 and trust during hopelesssituationssup1sup2 are numerous In Elijahrsquos story alone we have abeautiful example of Godrsquos tenderness toward a deeply depressed
prophet who struggled with suicidal thoughtssup1sup3
your thoughts comings and goings motives and emotionssup1⁴ Heknows your complete story
Our Creator understands how the brain works Is God who notices
By restricting mental health challenges tothe realm of the spiritual or to the moralwe disregard the body and mind aspects ofour complete person
Look at your whole self as God does Hesees you and knows your name He knows
77
every sparrow that falls unaware of your confusionsup1⁵ Hispromises to turn all things out for our good and to grow our faiththrough trials do not imply quick work Be patient with yourselfOne day at a time as you are ready God will reveal what he wantsyou to know
If you cannot feel him while severely depressed he has not goneanywhere You are not failing the Difference Maker byexperiencing the painful emotion of hopelessness
God gives us people
Proverbs 1814-16 was written by King Solomon a champion ofseeking wise counsel It reads ldquoThe human spirit can endure insickness but a crushed spirit who can bear The heart of thediscerning acquires knowledge for the ears of the wise seek it outrdquo
Ultimately it is your and my responsibility to save our lives andescape hopelessness Like a child trying to lift a rock twice her sizewe are not using all our available strength if we do not turn to onewho is able to assist
The Difference Maker can lead us to people he has gifted withknowledge and talent to help us with our specific needs
Family and friendsExpectations for support from family and friends might be a let-down Each of us only knows his own despondency and joysup1⁶
Just as we cannot fully understand how others feel or experiencelife loved ones and friends who genuinely care for our wellbeingdo not always know what to say or do when we express hopelessness
78
It is vital we understand this Otherwise in a fragile state we mightmisperceive their unhelpfulness or distance as lack of love
In their great fear of losing you or normalcy or withunsubstantiated guilt for your despair significant others may reactangrily in a controlling fashion or defensively Your calmestfriends might resort to platitudes and examples of when they weredepressed once and got over it quickly
Forgive them Tell them what you need Ask for what you need Letthem make mistakes We cannot mindread and presume to knowtheir motives either
Mental healthcare professionals
Most of us go to a mechanic to havesomeone with skill fix our car We wouldnot stay long if they started knitting newparts There is nothing helpful to gainfrom opinions without experience or
insight either
79
ldquoWalk with the wise and become wiserdquosup1⁷ Professional mentalhealth caretakers are available almost everywhere whether onlineover the phone or in person Licensing means they have receivedthe necessary training for walking people through uniquechallenges that present with mental illness personality and otherdisorders trauma addiction and relationship dynamics
Two terms frequently confused are psychiatrist and psychologistPsychiatrists are medical doctors (MD or DO) Like all medicalspecialists it is their job to assess symptoms and prescribe a course
80
of action Psychiatrists rarely offer psychotherapy (talk therapy)Office visits are usually about 15 minutes They prescribemedication based on revealed symptoms
Psychologists generally are talk therapists with a doctorate inpsychology (PsyDPhD) Sessions with clients typically run 50-60minutes These sessions may vary in style based on any givendoctorrsquos preferred approach Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)has statistically proven more effective for depression and anxietythan other therapy methods
Licensed therapists may practice within specialties such as traumaor addiction Common abbreviations you may have seen includeLMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist LPC (LicensedProfessional Counselor) LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)There are also LPAs (Licensed Psychological Associates) LifeCoach and Peer Support certificates do not include the advancedtraining required for most therapists unless the individual hassought those degrees as well
Christian counselors and pastorspriestsSome believers insist they must see a Christian counselor Thereare of course different perspectives to this
DW leads a ministry for pastors in need of mental health servicesHe said ldquoI would rather people see [a non-believer therapist] whoknows what he is doing than a Christian who does notrdquo
The titles Christian Counselor or Pastoral Counselor are not anautomatic assumption of extensive training Not everyone isequipped to use the Bible effectively for psychiatric or behavioralhealth issues
81
Because a woman advertised herself as a Christian counselor Iwent to see her Within three weeks I realized her version of faithwas the humanistic concept of a christ-within We are our ownsaviors and deity according to her No that is idolatry notauthentic Christian faith which acknowledges One God one Savior
Except for a single time I have sought licensed mental healthprofessionals who follow Jesus A secular psychiatrist was patientwith my faith until I mentioned hearing from God Then shethought I had lost touch with reality
Both the christ-within counselor and the psychiatrist were limitedbecause they could not understand the most important part of howI think Godrsquos Word is my guide honoring God is my highest goaland listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit is imperative
Your story is not over
Her tattoo seemed meaningless Whywould anyone want a semi-colon onher upper arm Years later I wear asemi-colon ring
As a punctuation mark the semi-colonis placed where a sentence could endbut the author decides to continue Forsuicide attempt survivors around theworld it is a symbol of choosing to liveout onersquos story after wanting to closethe book
Semi-colon commodities are shows of solidarity of hope and for
82
some a reminder We are making our stories known so you toowill realize that hopelessness does not define your futureRegardless of what you may feel hear us Your story is not over Itis time for a new chapter
Godrsquos plan for you
is not done
he has
much to show you
I am glad you are
alive God feels
that way about you
too
We found out it is
true our
lives are
not futile
Dear supports
Job (pronounced jobe) lived about 4000 years ago His story ispreserved in the Bible book titled with his namesup1⁸ Jobrsquosprosperity comfort and high standing role as judge and advisorwere unmatched
In one day Job lost about a third of his farm animals thousands ofthem to robbery and the rest about 7000 to fire Most of hisfarm hands were murdered by the robbers and his shepherds diedin the fire Only three men survived to tell Job what hadhappened
While Job reeled from this disastrous news a fourth man ran up
ldquoMasterrdquo the servant said ldquoyour sonrsquos house collapsed underpowerful winds All ten of your children were inside IhellipI am theonly survivorrdquo
Job sunk to the ground in a daze As was befitting such sadness inhis culture he shaved his head tore his clothes and sat in ashes
Soon he developed from head to toe a ldquoburning ulcerationrdquo of hisskin This illness commonly translated in the plural as boils issingular in the original Hebrew language in which it was recordedMost likely black leprosy swollen open sores turned all his skinblack and crusty until it eventually fell off Job scratched at intenseitching with a broken piece of pottery
His bones deteriorated Nightmares invaded his sleep Hestruggled to eat becoming gaunt and weak ldquoJust curse God anddierdquo his wife said in her own grief
83
People who used to look up to him now mocked him Young peopledared spit in his face The disease was contagious and incurable inJobrsquos time so even his servant responded only when Job begged Hewas humiliated and lonely
Stripped of everything three supports still managed to add to hissuffering
Jobrsquos friends came to visit as soon as they heard the news Shockedthey barely recognized him For seven days and nights they offeredthe kind of support we long for when feeling hopeless In silencethey sat nearby his suffering too great for words
Job spoke first Anguish poured from the pit in his belly Hequestioned the value of his life wondering why he had ever beenborn and why God would not let him die now
ldquoWhat I always feared has happened to me I have no rest onlytrouble comesrdquo he said
Immediately one agitated friend accused him of foolish talkdismissing his emotions as irrelevant compared to propriety
Each piled on
84
ldquoYou sound like a blustering windrdquo
ldquoListen God is doubtless punishing yourdquo
ldquoYour children must have sinned against him so their punishmentwas well deserved toordquo
Invalidation and judgment swallowed compassion whole Theycontinued their drivel ldquoWho are you to question Godrsquos wisdomYou need to be quiet and listen to us If you would only admit yoursin life would be happy againrdquo
In a cruel twist these arguments forced the one who was sufferingto defend his pain Instead of helping or comforting his friendsdragged fragile Job across the burning sands of rejectionfrustration and emotional abandonment
Dear supports learn from these men They were sorely wrong andGod said sosup1⁹
Why platitudes do not helpThe Great Physician and Counselor Jesus Christ heals with thethread of his Word He reaches for the darkest wounds in a humansoul and stitches them precisely and accurately one at a timeThere in the recesses the Word of God is counsel and lightsup2⁰
Three least helpful responses to someone feeling depressed orhopeless are anger and demand absence and fake cheeriness orplatitudes
Sharon inherited her childhood home and immediately tore downthe wall her mother used to bang her head against as a child
85
86
How can telling Sharon to forgive her mother take root if shame isall she has known Help her tear down the reminder wall first thenshe can stop staring at it and listen
Edward carries a full water bottle everywhere to subtly remindhimself he is not drowning when flashbacks threaten to send himinto a panic Why would the advice to have more faith encouragehim when he has never felt safe Give him water bottles first Asfear subsides he will hear the glad message
Aiesha carries a list of affirmations to read when her dadrsquosparalyzing voice creeps into her thoughts telling her she isworthless What will she do with promises of an identity in Christwhen she does not know what an identity is Fill Aiesharsquos emptylove tank first then her functioning heart can learn to see thedaughter God saw as he created her
Supports dare not try to rush the healing process by makingsomeone feel small and inadequate at feeling better Let us notdismiss the Difference Makerrsquos tender provision of patience andtiming
He has the wisdom and means to retrain a crippled thoughtprocess and belief system Meticulously and gently he cleans outand sews up layers of hurt and unhelpful thinking at a speed eachof his children can handle
Warning signs of suicide
From NIMHnihgovThe behaviors listed below may be signs that someone is thinkingabout suicide If these warning signs apply to you or someone youknow get help as soon as possible particularly if the behavior is newor has increased recently
Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill themselves Talking about feeling empty hopeless or having no reason to live Planning or looking for a way to kill themselves such as searching
for lethal methods online stockpiling pills or buying a gun Talking about great guilt or shame Showing despair or suicidal themes in original artwork or music Talking about feeling trapped or that there are no solutions Feeling unbearable pain (emotional pain or physical pain) Talking about being a burden to others Using alcohol or drugs more often Acting anxious or agitated Withdrawing from family and friends Changing eating andor sleeping habits Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge Taking great risks that could lead to death Displaying extreme mood swings from very sad to very calm
happy Giving away important possessions Saying goodbye to friends and family Putting affairs in order making a will
If you support a loved one or friend who struggles withhopelessness it is important to access resources andinformation Be prepared to support them well Gohere and here
87
Prayer to the Difference Maker
For the glory of your name
O Lord preserve my life
Because of your faithfulness
bring me out of this distress
Amen
Psalm 14311
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have the energy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeutic Even baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make your own
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that
Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list
Play music
Set the table
Take a shower
Sit with the family
Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today
Go for a walk with a person or your dog
Eat a healthy meal
Attend participate in a support group
Paint a picture or put a puzzle together
Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor
Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Practical Exercise 6 Live a little
89
Next allow hope
Think about your values as a guide Write downwhat is important to you and keep the list whereyou can see it Each day after you have a choicestick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
Lower your stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
For more ideas visit stress management here
90
Consider climbing these next few steps bottom to top in your search for professional help
If you are in crisis now do not wait Call 911 immediately or go toyour nearest emergency room
5 Feel free to switch You are doing
the hiring Find help not more confusion
1 Pray Ask the Difference Maker
to lead you to the right person Keep
praying even after you are in
sessions
4 Interview therapists Be specific
about what you need Ask a support to
do the interviewing for you if you are
not strong enough
3 Get recommendations for
therapists and doctors if possible
from believers of Jesus who have
received professional help Go here for
a reference page
2 Do not use stigma to
determine what method
of treatment will work
for you Listen to those
in-the-know
91
Envy secretly resents those who have what she wants Hence shecannot reflect the image of God who already owns everything Hehas no reason to envy
7Jealousy and Envy
Some thoughts Why canrsquot I have the family he does She has a dream job must be nice Hersquos had all the advantages I want my co-workerrsquos car Itrsquos not fair I want my wife here with me Who are these ldquofriendsrdquo he keeps talking about
Jealousy and Envy are notidentical Envy is the quiet sisterwhose eyes flit back and forthnever satisfied with who she isor what she has Hungry for theelusive she does not rememberher own blessings Her pursuitof happiness in a thing personor achievement focuses only onthe future
Twin sisters Jealousy and Envy are destructive to our
wellbeing They are intrusive obnoxious and interfere with ourpeace We do well to run the other way when we see these siblingscoming
92
The sister Jealousy robs people and atmospheres of joy Forinstance she might mumble ldquomust be nicerdquo if the object of herjealousy tries to share a happy story She complains bitterly
Jealousy acts possessively when someone she claims to loverefuses her control She makes threats and seeks vengeance Oftensuspicious energized by insecurity jealousy is nicknamed agreen-eyed monster for good reason
The Lord said this about himself ldquoDo not worship any othergod for the LORD whose name is Jealous is a jealous Godrdquosup1 Theword jealous in this verse in the original written language refersonly to God There is no resemblance to human jealousy which isseverely flawed
Godrsquos jealousy is holy He is jealous for us (not of us) because wegive our devotion to things that offer no hope He is not in a rivalryover our souls because he has no rival He is not jealous of anothergod because he is the Only True God He simply wants his people
to honor him to stay in the relationship
Unfortunately jealousy in the human form is unproductiveAccording to James ldquoWhere jealousy and selfish ambition existthere will be disorder and every vile practiceldquosup2 King Solomon alsowarned ldquoA heart at peace gives life to the body but envy rots thebonesldquosup3
Run for your life from the sisters
People are lost in the peripheral when we zero in on what theyhave Are we more drawn to the bling in a home or to the personwho invited us there
93
HumilityThe word humble means to dismiss self-reliance and become fully-dependent on God according to the original written language ofthe New Testament
Joe burned with anger so deep he thought it would kill him Hecried out to God for vengeance and relief from the cause of hispain The Holy Spirit nudged him toward humble willingnessFinally Joe prayed ldquoLord change merdquo
Do we hear what someone is saying or plot how to sound smarter
Are we glad for the friend who has what we want or do we sit backin bitterness
Jealousy and Envy isolate us emotionally keeping us too busycomparing to care Unable to give love fully we cannot receive it
either
Humility Willingness and Love are the Difference Makerrsquosbouncers ready to prevent thoughts of jealousy and envy fromovershadowing our joy
Like Joe humility takes responsibilityfor onersquos heart and refrains fromcasting blame everywhere else Joe washappy to discover his anger gonewithin a few days replaced by mercy
Humility gives us that freedom toexamine ourselves unafraid to setdenial aside Self-protection cannot
94
95
compare to Godrsquos great love Once aware of our need for mercy and his forgiveness we can offer it to others
Paul challenged his readers ldquoIn your relationships with oneanother have the same mindset as Christ Jesus Who being invery nature God did not consider equality with God something tobe used to his own advantage rather he made himself nothing bytaking the very nature of a servant being made in human likenessAnd being found in appearance as a man he humbled himself bybecoming obedient to death mdash even death on a crossrdquo⁴
Willingness is slippery It can be emotional and reactionaryreluctant and resigned or surrendered and devoted Willingness isproven by action
A man had two sons He went to the first and said ldquoSon go andwork today in the vineyardrdquo
ldquoI will notrdquo the boy answered Nonetheless he soon changed hismind and obeyed his father
The man went to his second son and requested he go to thevineyard to work This boy answered ldquoI will sirrdquo and never went
Jesus told the above parable⁵ to challenge stuffy holier-than-thoureligious leaders whose claims to know God were at odds with theirunacceptance of Godrsquos Son They were like the boy who said yesand did not follow through
Meanwhile societyrsquos unreligious outcasts were coming to JesusLike the first son they changed their minds and began doing whatthe heavenly Father asks of us
Love is described best in what many call The Love Chapter⁷ in theBible We learn first that love is kind Love celebrates with thosewho are glad and aches alongside people who are in sorrow⁸
We will never find the selfish sisters Jealousy and Envy trulysharing in a personrsquos joy Instead they smile and squeak out tersecongratulations while sincere love stands proud of theaccomplishments and blessings of others unafraid of their success
Neither do the sisters grieve for the sake of anotherrsquos heart Inworst case scenarios jealousy and envy are glad when people whoseem to have better lives suffer
Continuing with the definition of love we see it does not envy orboast it is not proud God said ldquoLet not the wise boast of theirwisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast oftheir riches but let the one who boasts boast about this that theyhave the understanding to know me that I am the LORD who
Thankfully the Difference Maker is working to change us from theinside-out to grow our willingness so we can join him in his goodpurposes⁶
96
exercises kindness justice and righteousness on earth for in theseI delightrdquo⁹
Love is not rude It respectfully honors others instead of focusing onselfish ambition Love always protects so gossip and assumptionsare not part of our conversations
Love is patient not easily angered It is not delighted with thefailings and miseries of people who do wrong so it does not compilebitter records Instead love trusts and hopes
Trust and hope are not the same as denial and duplicity Lovecelebrates all truth even uneasy truth Love perseveres but doesnot enable addiction abuse or other sins Real love is tough
Too often the term love is equated with sex or a temporary high ofdelight ldquoIf you love me yoursquoll sleep with merdquo is manipulative as isldquoif you make me happy I will love yourdquo These sentiments areproud dishonoring self-seeking unkind and unprotective
Love built on what is given to us or how someone makes us feelhas no foundation and teeters on whether we tire of the gifts andhow soon those warm fuzzy feelings wear off The love of God is notdependent on superficial beauty or favors His love never fails
Jesus said ldquoDo not love the world or anything in the world Ifanyone loves the world love for the Father is not in them Foreverything in the worldmdashthe lust of the flesh the lust of theeyes and the pride of lifemdashcomes not from the Father but from theworldrdquosup1⁰
Take those eyes off the world
97
Humility of attitude willingness to act and sincere love do notstare at what only might be
Picture a lawn overrun by weeds1 Humility realizes the lawn is not so beautiful and no bragging
rights are appropriate2 Willingness pulls the weeds3 It is love that kills the weedsrsquo roots and plants fresh seed
When those weeds growing in our thoughts are jealousy and envythe same principle applies
and lift toward heaven in gratitude for what God has so generouslygiven
Paul admitted ldquoAt one time we too were foolish disobedientdeceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures Welived in malice and envy being hated and hating one another Butwhen the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared he savedus not because of righteous things we had done but because of hismercyrdquosup1sup1
We have much for which to be thankful Gratitude is our escapefrom the sisters
The purveyor of love whose verynature is love the Difference Makerfills us with his perfect brand of loveWe lose the need to control or pursuepersons to drag love out of resistantrelationships or to chase after whatwe think might please us next Oureyes turn from what we do not have
98
100
Prayer to theDifference Maker
Thank You Jesus because you
died for everyone so that we
who receive your new life will
no longer live for ourselves I
want to be one who lives for
You Christ Jesus because You
died and were raised for me
Based on 2 Corinthians 15
100
Example Thought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social event learnto be a good friend Reach out to her in kindness
Do something of value to earn respect speak kindwords to and about him work on honest ways toimprove your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thank Godthose people are comfortable and not hungry orcold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to go outwith your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
Practical Exercise 7 Act Opposite
To keep jealousy and envy from overtaking your relationship withGod and thought life act opposite of how you feel Disappointmenttriggers jealous and envious thoughts What step can you take in theopposite direction
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Next do the amazing
What if you did something so shocking itamazes even you What if you went socounter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things
If you will do it this challenge will shake your world and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it more orto a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarranted criticismit is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of running woulda-if-onlyon a loop how about making the situation into a game
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
These ideas are radical Will you try
101
8Destructive Blame
Some thoughts My childhood was dysfunctional so I cannot succeed If it werent for so-n-
so I would be happy right now You make the decisions-it is your fault if I do not like them People make me lose my temper I will not trust God because church-goers
are hypocrites
Some thoughts My neighborrsquos dog bit me itrsquos my fault for
leaving the house My marriage might have worked if Irsquod done everything better My boss threw a clipboard
because I am a disappointment I should have been a better child and I would
not have been abused
Now we have met the sisters let me introduce the Destructive
brothers Blame and his other brother Blame These two arefishermen with strange styles
Blame 1 is a confused fishermanwho seems to miss the pointCasting generous portions ofblame in every direction it doesnot matter to him where itlands He does not fish with ahook It is not his intention tocatch anything that might endup back in his boat
102
Blame 1 had a difficult past and it is fair to empathize with thatHowever he will not review options He refuses to accept his powerto change His style of fishing is best described as cast cast andcast
Blame 2 is quirkier still He owns a boat but it is so full of catchesthat it will no longer float So he swims grabs what he can anddrags it back to shore
Trouble is he does not catch healthy fish but rather the blame hisbrother is doling out Blame 2 collects it stores it and never castsany of it away His style of fishing is collect whatever floats
Blame 2 has also had a tough life It is appropriate to care about hispains However like his brother Blame 1 he is not very open tochange
While toxic shame does not let go of mistakes destructive blame isabout shifting responsibility
Casting Blame
Casting blame transfers responsibility anywhere except on personalpoor choices This is frequently blatantly obvious
A man questioned a tax consultant about concerns related to his2020 stimulus check from the government He had left his first wifeand children and started a new family Where was his secondcheck ldquoDoesnrsquot the President know I have another family to careforrdquo
The tax consultantrsquos reply was crisp ldquoYou alone are responsiblehelliprdquo
103
Tam came to town for a funeral and claimed to be low on cash Wewere strangers and seeing her plight I invited her stay in myhome for two to three days One week later with a days-longheadache and nerves already jumping over the edge I dropped heroff at the airport
Decades ago she had moved several states away from her familyOn her first visit in years she screamed obscenities at them overher phone for hours a day This was only a few feet from my homeoffice hence the headache She spread lies among her relatives tome to a mutual friend and to my pastor
What I heard was her avoiding responsibility Casting blame feelsgood in the moment because it instantly relieves shame andaccountability It is not sustainable
Casting blame
is an efficient
means of
skipping
guard duty
over onersquos
wellbeing
One reason casting blame is depressive isthat the blamer must work harder andharder at rationalizing or denyingpersonal mistakes and wrongdoingsDepression perhaps is no surprise when apattern of bold-face lying becomes tooheavy a load
Blame conveniently pushes the burden ofchange elsewhere A blamer can rest inthe familiarity of pain although it is theirchief complaint In this way castingblame is an efficient means of skippingguard duty over onersquos wellbeing
104
ldquoFools make fun of guilthelliprdquo King Solomon wrotesup1 John explains
ldquoIf we claim we have no sin we are only fooling ourselvesrdquosup2
Waiting for the world to adjust to our wishes shields us fromseeing flaws in our attitude and behavior This is what blame doesform a blinder around our minds until we are barely free tounderstand the truth
Like Blame 1 cannot leave his boat casting blame keeps us stuck
Blaming GodHigh School senior Jarrad sees himself as a class clownconsistently and excessively talking throughout his classes both in-person and online until everyone is laughing His online teachers
try muting him and he resorts to physical antics
With his screen darkened toother students Jarrad texts themduring class Finally theprincipal steps in with a warningstop it or earn suspension
Jarradrsquos behavior does notimprove One month later hereturns to class with moredisruptive hilarity often at theexpense of teachers
His parents are aware and havedealt with their son However they work all day and Jarrad shrugsoff their discipline Expulsion is the last resort What other optionsremain for the school
105
Jarradrsquos refusal to change his rebellious ways eventually bringsabout his separation from those who try to help The schoolsystem teachers principal and Jarradrsquos parents have notabandoned him While leaders give him multiple opportunities tomaintain his education Jarrad will not have it
God does not throw us away either We have the power to detachfrom him and his influence at great personal cost Our insistence onrebellion weakens the relationship and eventually separates usfrom him Our sins hide his face so that he will not hearsup3
All too often ldquoa personrsquos own foolishness leads to their ruin yettheir heart rages against the Lordrdquo said Solomon⁴ Blaming Godfor difficulties resulting from our poor decisions is futile⁵ Ourungodly desires (thoughts) entice and drag us into sinful acts If weallow sin to blossom and grow large in our life it gives birth todeath⁶ Relationships occupations reputations opportunities andlives are at risk
God disciplines us for our good⁷ Like a child who learned in theprincipalrsquos office not to throw an eraser at her teacher a secondtime (excuse me while I clear my throat) if it takes hardship to getour attention he will allow it This kind of pain is a blessingbecause in his patience he never stops calling us or loving us backto life Solomon wrote ldquoDo not be upset when he corrects you Forthe LORD corrects those he lovesrdquo⁸
Our choices affect other peopleJarradrsquos regular interruptions slow classes down affect theauthority of teachers and frustrate serious students His expulsionis in part for the sake of everyone elsersquos education
106
Godrsquos hand of discipline on our heads may be for the protectionand blessing of other people too Rebellion hurts our parentsrsquofeelings⁹ Acts of foolishness harm societysup1⁰
The commandments to not commit adultery murder steal andthe restsup1sup1 are summed up in ldquoLove your neighbor as yourselfrdquosup1sup2
Love does no harmsup1sup3
Our choices affect our blessingsIf I pray for you to be blessed I am asking God to show you hisdivine favor Blessed is often equated with happiness contentmentor joy
Jarrad is missing out on a good education that we all know wouldgrant him more options in the future In a similar way we take apass on the greatest blessings from heaven by choosing to focus ontemporary feel-good moments Selfishness never fulfills us
The Bible says ldquoBlessed are thosehelliprdquo bull who are poor in spirit (devoid of spiritual arrogance)bull who grievebull who are gentlebull who hunger and thirst for integrity purity and rightness of
thinkingbull who are mercifulbull who are the peacemakersbull who are persecuted for righteousness sakesup1⁴bull who are kind to the poorsup1⁵bull who are not offended by Jesussup1⁶bull whose disobedience is forgivenbull whose lives are lived in complete honestysup1⁷bull whose hope is in the Lord their Godsup1⁸
107
Our choices affect spiritual productivity and growthJesus compared himself to a grapevine God the Father to agardener and us to branches God prunes that is trims backspiritually healthy branches so they will produce even morespiritually healthy fruitsup1⁹
Sometimes this process stings although there is no fear ofcondemnationsup2⁰ God is developing in us in increasing measurehis loving practicessup2sup1
Like a tree or grapevine what we produce will prove our natureWe know Jarrad is not exemplifying personal honor or concern forothers If he allows God to change his thinking he will still struggleto win back peoplersquos trust and supportsup2sup2
Goodness
Trutha tree of life
saving lives
Patience
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Testimony
Spiritually healthy fruitsup2sup3
108
Our choices affect our eternal reward
The Olympics were a big deal in ancient Greece where they firstorganized the competition Winners received crowns made fromplants Of course these shriveled up quickly
Paul spoke of a crown that will notwither Comparing the games and victorycrowns to a spiritual race he said ldquoTheydo it to win a prize that will fade awaybut we do it for an eternal prizerdquosup2⁴
The crown of life is the reward that Godhas promised to those who love himsup2⁵Paul says ldquoI press on to reach the end
of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God throughChrist Jesus is calling usrdquosup2⁶
Bearing in mind all the self-destructive choices we make why dowe blame the Difference Maker when life does not meet ourexpectations
Collecting misdirected blame
Straight up let us admit that innumerable circumstances andconsequences causing our suffering are the fault of others Thisincludes terrible acts people commit against us and how we feelemotionally or physically at that moment
We develop false guilt by accepting accountability for events out ofour control Once an adult what we choose to take in is up to usWe are not helpless
109
A tyrannical boss catches every one of his personal assistantrsquosmistakes and invents a few too He enjoys verbally abusing Mari byberating and mocking her in front of other employees He does nothave to accept responsibility for his decisions gone wrong becauseof his convenient scape goat
Facing this each day creates an atmosphere in which Mari begins toquestion herself Maybe I am clumsy and nit-witted I did notremember to fetch the folder he demanded I misspelled a clientrsquosname
Often misdirected blame is dotted with just enough truth to makeit difficult to weed out
Mari did make a mistake TrueShe has made more than one mistake TrueShe is accused of other mistakes TrueShe is responsible for anything beyond her actual mistakes FalseShe blames herself for her bossrsquos discomfort This is false guilt
AbuseAbuse is taking advantage of someone who is physicallyemotionally psychologically intellectually or in some way unableto stop the abuse In Marirsquos case at first she is unable to stop theverbal abuse because she would lose her job
A woman like Mari who is beginning to believe she is worthy ofharsh reprimand needs some psychological support to recognizethe manipulative lies of her boss She is too full of self-doubt tomeaningfully stand up for herself
Every form of abuse is about power and control Abusers blame lie
110
111
and manipulate to gain and maintain control over their target Asconsummate actors their public appearance is misleading Ifcaught or accused they know how to cry or they cry because theyare not getting their way In religious settings they know thelanguage of the faith and will use it to sound repentant Apologiesare unspecific unless they parrot the accuser
HumiliationPutting down your partner Calling your partner names Constant criticisms Making your partner feel like they are crazy or guilty Humiliating your partner in front of people Embarrassing your partner
Power and
Control
IntimidationYelling or screaming Using a threatening tone Talking down Threatening to hurt yourself or your partner Making your partner feel afraid Tearing up pictures Smashing gifts Destroying objects Slamming doors Throwing things
Treating your partner like a baby
property or servant Making all of the decisions
Having expectations that no one can meet Controlling who
your partner sees or spends time with Setting all the rules in the
relationship
Domination ThreatsSaying you cannotlive with your partner Telling your partner you will leave them somewhere if they do not do what you say Constantly threatening to find someone else Saying yoursquoll commit suicide of you break up
Sexual Abuse
Bragging about your sexual relationship
Making comparisons Flirting to make your partner
jealous Using drugsalcohol to get sex Pressuring your partner
Using emotional abuse to coerce sex Rape
Physical AbuseHolding your partner so they cannot
leave Slamming them intosomething Hiding your partnerrsquos
bruises Grabbing Slapping Hitting Shoving Punching
Kicking Poisoning Drugging
Minimization and Blame
Possessiveness Using jealousy as a sign
of love Accusing your partner of cheating on you Not letting your partner have other friends
Telling your partner how to think dress and act
Not accepting responsibility for your actions Making a
joke when you hurt your partner Telling or showing
your partner everything is their fault Acting like
abuse is ok in the relationship
Every form of
abuse is about
power and
controlhellip Abusers
make their
decision to abuse
Period
In this secret climate misdirected blame is part of the abuse Thespoken or unspoken threat is that the target will look like a liar ifthe truth comes out
Sadly it happens This is one of many complicated reasons targetsmay not leave their abusers soon or at all
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation go to thislist to find help
Make true and empowering statements
Create personal statements Examples
A I cannot control what other people choose to say or do It is notmy job to fix every circumstance
112
Abuse is always yes always thefault full responsibility and sin ofthe abuser
Gross misrepresentations of anabuse victimrsquos role are spoken inignorance He should have foughtback She wasnrsquot dressed rightHe pushed her buttons She wasnagging him He should have metcurfew She shouldnrsquot havemouthed off
Abusers make their decision toabuse Period
B I refuse to carry blame for the crime committed against me ormy family Only the criminal did wrong I did what I was capable ofdoing in the moment which is the best anyone can do in anysituation
C I will not take on the burden of guilt for my friendrsquos addiction Icannot save or fix her No one can She is responsible for seekinghelp and not just begging me for money or a place to stay
D I do not accept the abusers lies that I brought on the abuse Iwill not hate the child or victim-adult I once was for allowing whatI had no power to stop
Whether casting blame or collecting misdirected blame the optionto reach out for fresh perspective and guidance from the DifferenceMaker is always available
The brothers Blame never consider this
And a-fishinrsquo they go
113
Proverbs 205
Prayer to the Difference Maker
The purposes of a personrsquos heart
are deep waters
but one who has insight
draws them out
Please Lord I need your insight
to draw out my motives and
the deep injuries of my soul
so I can understand and change
Based on Proverbs 205
Practical Exercise 8 Find harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time to
study their companion and without criticism show appreciation forthe good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God for whatyou have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blame payattention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize everyone including yourself hasmade mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive as much asGod has forgiven you
This Or This
115
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stoppinganother person (we have no controlover them) Boundaries are about whatwe allow into our circle
Do the following exercise then createyour own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo
4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leave responsibilityfor his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for the consequences oflosing them
What about a situation in your life
Next draw a circle around yourself
116
9Perceived
Dependency Some thoughts If no one pushes me I cannot succeed He says he loves me after he hits me and I cannot be without
him This has been a tough day already I need a drink Irsquoll feel happy only if this job interview goes my way His
approval keeps me going Shersquoll leave if I do not stay sick
Dear Creeper
You are my perceived dependency You have toyed withme since I was young I played the game of hide andseek innocently believing you and the powerful forcesthat drove me to you were normal and right I did notunderstand you are a creeper
Your presence seemed a kind gift an experience forwhich I was grateful Slow and sure you built a templefor yourself in my brain
One day I witnessed the ruin of another of yourconfused devotees and began to fear you Confidencegrew in my power to go on alone Nonetheless yourcajoling stirred memories of when we first met andsoon your promises of the hour defeated caution
I
cared
only
for
how
you
made
me
feel
117
Your lies were soft and comfortable Eventually I believedeverything you offered for my protection No one could persuademe you were not my best friend
Remember how I used to panic when you were not in sightVigorous denial kept me from seeing what was happening I caredonly for how you made me feel
Oh but I see you now my enemy Perceived Dependency youhave never been a friend Joining hands with you in my destructionwas a game of Russian Roulette with unpredictable consequences
So-called dependency was but another deception I could have beenfree To be honest until now you have been my choice I amchanging my mind
You see there is someone real taking your place He is theDifference Maker the Highest Power who is always for me andnever against me
I could say itrsquos not you itrsquos me but this breakndashup is all aboutrunning away from you and into the arms of God
Goodbye from Not-Your-Victim
Co-dependent
Eating Disordered
Money-hungry
Etcetera
Defeatist
118
Stone and wood statues all over the world are praised and offeredgifts to appease whatever god they represent That is literal idolworship Jesus expanded the concept to include anything thatstands between us and full devotion to the One True God An idolthen is anything or anyone we think we cannot live without otherthan God
Perceived dependencies are our masters Not only are they a typeof idol but they are also futile No person can meet all our needsNo substance satisfies for long Compulsions heap unhappyconsequences on an already stressful life Obsessions overrulegood judgment Yet we obey them when they call
Perceived dependency unloads barrels of disappointment on thehuman spirit We create mental scenarios of rescue and if onlydelusions Who will make me happy What will bring relief Weare completely at the mercy of our perceived dependencies unlesswe take our power back
A perceived dependency is theact of giving our power freely toan outside force that once givensuch authority becomes ourmaster source motivation andexcuse
Nothing is easy about aperceived dependency NothingDay to day life is complicated bymaneuvers around the belief thatwhat we need most is missing
Our masters
119
Evie lives in denial As a heroin addict her behaviors are morepredictable than she is aware She is a sweet daughter and lovingmother when sober When she is using everyone runs for coverHer language is vile and abusive She tries to manipulate herdaughter for money
Only one year ago Evie graduated from long-term residentialtreatment She held down a job and visited with her youngchildren She did not separate herself from old companions andsadly relapse came as no surprise to her hopeful and wary familyEvie sacrifices for her obsession all that makes life worth livingcausing great pain in her wake
Evie and Tony
Tonyrsquos longing for love and overwhelming fear of rejection haswelded his self-made cage shut He leans heavily on his wife toreassure him with constant agreement Opposing opinionsthreaten his sense of security so he never asks for her realthoughts
His perceived dependency is the submission of his wife and otherswhile he takes no emotional risks It is clear in this scenario Tonysold his personal power at the cost of true love His wife is captivealso if she plays by his rules
The sad chaos of Eviersquos and Tonyrsquos lives is whythe words of the prophet Isaiah make senseHe said we feed on ashes by looking to an idolto meet our needs A deluded heart misleadsus To our detriment we fail to question ldquoIsnot this thing in my right hand a lierdquosup1
120
Then there is Rhona
Lifting her head from the toilet and sinking to the all too familiarfloor Rhona knew her eating disorder owned her and could endher life She was desperate for freedom
Someone introduced her to a 12-step program of recoveryThough a meeting was an hour away Rhona determinedly andfaithfully traveled to join-in Older members supported herthrough tears and triumph Eventually she had her life back
She does not consider herself free to eat whatever she wantsInstead she is free to choose carefully what will keep her healthyNo longer do certain foods send her spiraling because she avoidsthem completely She will carry safe foods with her to familygatherings and other events
Rhona is not a compulsive dieter her choices are a matter of lifeand death Thirty years later after entering recovery she stillattends meetings
Dr Rhona Epstein became one of the very few experts in foodaddiction and serves as a psychologist helping as many as she canHer book Food Triggers is beneficial to any one of us whostruggle with compulsive behaviors around food
Any willingness to be open to a spiritual
solution is a start -Dr Epstein
121
My son finally convinced me to watchthe Marvel series All of it I havelearned that imaginary superheroesstruggle to learn how and when to usetheir power
Decision-making is not so simple for useither Opting to break away from aperceived dependency is not asstraightforward as Captain Americatossing his shield at a villain andknocking him flat
Yes God has graciously created us with the remarkable power ofchoice Why do we so often risk its loss
It is doable Remember intent does not mean instant success Thefirst step each day is the main one
Have you survived difficult challenges If yes why not againHave other people recovered Why not you
Superpower
Each of us is gifted with a superpower Do the following fivequotes by Jesus reveal it to you
ldquoIf you wanthelliprdquo sup1∙⁵ldquoAnyone who chooseshelliprdquo sup2 ldquohellipif you do not believehelliprdquo sup3ldquoIf you hold to my teachinghelliprdquo ⁴ldquohellipyou were not willingrdquo⁵
122
Relapse
The difference between Evie Tony and Rhona is that Rhonalearned to wield her power of choice in her favor Ask anyone withbroken chains freedom requires complete honesty support andconnection to strength greater than ours
Some say relapse is inevitable No but it is common We return toold destructive habits when we have not permanently structuredour goals around something more meaningful I relapsed with myeating disorder with a long list of excuses My health coachreminds me to see recovery as an investment in what I want toachieve
Ultimately it is finding and living in purpose that brings joy Withwhat will we fill your lives so our obsessions no longer have roomin our heads
Surrender
I mentioned to a woman with a secular belief system that it is aprivilege to be used by God Her negative reaction makes sensebecause my word choice ldquoused byrdquo was skewed
It is fairer to say I am one of Godrsquos volunteers among many Noneof us have had our will removed By faith and experience we knowhis ways are best The more we grasp that the more we want to dofor him Herersquos the clincher we love him because he loves us Yesit is a privilege and source of joy when the Difference Maker worksthrough us to help others in some way
Surrender comes with the understanding that God has more than
123
single personrsquos best interests in mind In that regard he asks usto extend his mercy love and truth when we might rather sit athome in comfort
Should we say yes we will find he is working everything out forour good too In his will (as discussed in chapter 2) weexperience deep satisfaction As always the Difference Makerrsquosapproach is more profound and effective than the worldrsquos wisestphilosophies⁵∙⁵
The complete Serenity Prayer famous for the shortened versionused in 12-step groups points to such surrender
God grant me the SerenityTo accept the things I cannot changeCourage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the differenceLiving one day at a time
Enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardship
As the pathway to peaceTaking as He did
This sinful world as it is Not as I would have itTrusting that He will Make all things right
If I surrender to His willThat I may be
Reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him
In the next Amen
124
125
But God
Accounts throughout the Bible of Gods interactions with humansprove he is the Highest Power At the end of their resourcespeople saw God change everything
The entire earth flooded But God remembered Noah ⁶
Jacobrsquos boss cheated him ldquoBut God has seen your abuserdquo ⁷
Josephrsquos brothers sold him ldquohellipbut God intended it for goodrdquo ⁸
King Saul hunted him down hellipbut God [helped him escape]⁹
People tried to kill Paul But God has protected me sup1⁰
Epaphroditus was ill and almost died But God had mercy onhimsup1sup1
Jesus was nailed to a cross But God raised him from the dead sup1sup2
We are lost for eternity But God demonstrates his own lovehellipsup1sup3
Apostles hadhellip fears within ldquoBut Godhellip comforted usrdquosup1⁴
Helplessness is not always a fact it is a belief Through JeremiahGod said ldquoIf you wanted to return to me you could You couldthrow away your detestable idols andstray away no morerdquosup1⁵ He knowshow much power is available to us ifwe will ask
126
Surrender to the will of God is ultimately the cure to compulsiveaddictive behaviors That does not mean it is easy nor does itguarantee no relapses Jesus said ldquoIt is not the healthy who needa doctor but the sickldquosup1⁶ He is our healer perhaps we do well tofollow his prescription
Let us remember together whatever condition we are in howeverdeeply we are stuck in perceived dependency we do not actuallyneed the person activity substance or compulsion we are focusedon to survive or thrive Our dependence is but a perception Wecan depend on and trust the Highest Power
Whom have I in heaven but youAnd earth has nothing I desire besides you
My flesh and my heart may failbut God is the strength of my heart
and my portion foreversup1⁷
ldquoBut Godhelliprdquo
Recommended
The Life Recovery Bible is special It is the Holy Bible in its entirety with sidebars relating specific scriptures to
recovery These address emotional issues trauma support and much more In addition the Life Recovery
Journal takes the reader through the 12-step process
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Please keep me from deliberate
sins Donrsquot let them control me
Then I will be free of guilt and
innocent of great sin
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you O LORD my
Rock and my Redeemer
Psalm 1913-14
128
128
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsessionTake this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a
dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
Practical Exercise 9 Now What
Spell it out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write outall it has stolen and what freedom will bring This is about you notcasting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praise andgratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is to a realGod who will not only see what you write but who knows your heart
Write a letter (or letters) to yourperceived dependency Do not mail it ifit is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Rome isdirectly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them I highlyurge you to take it in
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
129
Next find a strong
support system
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over time whois healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability to hold yourconfidences Watch them with other people Choose friends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who have seen yourstruggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
130
10Fear
Fear leads to depressive thinking when we give it authority Fear
develops under a threat real or perceived to our wellbeing or thewellbeing of another person
As a mere emotion fear is not a sign of weak character nor does itsignal failure of faith The bravest people are those who feel fearand face it even in small ways Courage is measured by genuineeffort not success or the size of payout Baby steps toward facing
or overcoming any fear are indeed applaudable steps
Some thoughts I promised to attend the meeting but since Irsquoll make a fool of myself Irsquom not going There is no way to know if I can stay safe I do not like people different from me Things are going to get worse Irsquom sure he hates me
131
Not every courageous person looks like one
Examples of couragebull Elderly people venturing out despite impatient drivers and
ridiculous younger people talking down to thembull Children returning to the same school each day where they are
taunted or bulliedbull Families of faith around the world persecuted by authoritiesbull People in suicidal despair reconnecting with living
bull Those living with disabilitybull Those going to work with anxiety migraines fatiguehellipbull Women who leave abusive homes and often face judgmentbull The caretaker of elderly parentsAnd the inspirational list goes onhellip
Facing fear is a choice that mimics the life of our Saviorsup1 Heloved (far) beyond his comfort zone The author of Hebrewswrote rdquoConsider him who endured such opposition from sinnersso that you will not grow weary and lose heartrdquosup2
132
God chooses unlikely heroes
Abigail⁵ was beautiful and intelligent Marriedwhether by choice or arrangement we do not knowher role was to manage her wealthy household withits many servants and obligations serve herhusband Nabal and presumably have his children
Nabal wise in his own eyes and not in many otherswell lived up to his name which meant fool Filledwith greed his harsh demeanor in business and athome proved his self-centeredness No doubt heenjoyed his meanness and the fear of those aroundhim
He
adds
ldquoI am
with
yourdquo
and
stays
God does not whip out a chill ldquodonrsquot be afraidrdquo anddisappearsup3 He adds ldquoI am with yourdquo⁴ and staysBrave people learn from their less-than-bravemistakes (we have all done them) With him at ourside we move forward following the DifferenceMakerrsquos plan for overcoming fear
In those days (about 1100 BC) sheep and goats were money andoften stolen Soon to be king warrior David was on the run fromhis insanely jealous father-in-law King Saul David and his armyof six-hundred men earned what they needed to survive byprotecting the livestock of various towns and farms
It was customary and expected for wealthy landowners to offerprovisions to such protectors Nonetheless when David sent themessage to Nabal ldquoPlease give your servants whatever you canfind for themrdquo only insults were returned
David was ready to end such insolence and with 400 armed menheaded for Nabalrsquos home to kill him and all the males who livedthere
A shepherd ran to Abigail to report this He said ldquoNabal is such awicked man that no one can talk to him Please do what you canrdquo
133
Abigail quickly loaded donkeyswith meat bread wine grainraisins and pressed figs Servantsdelivered them to David
Going against her churlishhusbandrsquos wishes certainly wouldhave brought down his wrath hadshe been caught She risked her
life by confronting angry warriors intent on revenge
David responded to her pleas for mercy thanking her He saidldquoPraise be to the LORD the God of Israel who has sent you today
134
to meet me May you be blessed for your good judgment and forkeeping me from bloodshed this dayrdquo
As an unlikely hero Abigail saved an unknown number of livesThe brave shepherd who informed her shared in the heroism Thenext day when she told Nabal of the drama his heart failed himand he died
God specializes in choosing unlikely people for courageous deedsA few examples among many include an orphan girl-turned queenwho saved her nation (Book of Esther) a child who spoke hardtruth to power (1 Samuel 3) a young slave girl who approached aprincess (Exodus 21-10) and uneducated fishermen who broughtthe gospel to the world though they lost their lives over it(Matthew 418-22)
Despite initial misgivings these people had to decide what kind ofperson they wanted to be One way to face our fears is to answerthe same question
Consider the life and mission of each of the following people Howdo you think they answered the question What kind of person do Iwant to be
Will I risk everything Hee Jinrsquos Grandmother in North KoreaWill I choose life Nick VujicicWill I hold out Irena SendlerWill I let go Elisabeth ElliotWho do I want to face in the mirror tomorrow Dobri DobrevHow will I respond to my greatest regret Victoria RobinsonWill my legacy point to life Jason ReidWill my example set a helpful precedent Marie Meggs
135
Will I believe what I cannot yet see Jo Ann RobinsonWill I keep my eyes on things of Heaven instead of on things ofearth Jessie TendayiWill I come back to God and ask for help when I fail miserablyJim Wahlberg
ldquoWe are having a physical experience in a spiritual worldrdquo ndash Author unknown
Satan distorts and disrupts the truth in attempts to steer us fromGod Human experience is a catalyst for such trickery becausewhat we see and feel seems more real than an invisible God Is heinconceivable though
His power is evidenced in nature⁶ His love has redeemedcountless lives Millions testify to his personal presence We seeGodrsquos promises always come to pass whether spoken throughprophets or other scriptures⁷ We witness his sovereigntythroughout history
Stout faith lets go of control and chooses to obey the proven Godwho shows himself real only to those with the spiritual eyes tosee⁸ In his wisdom he made it impossible for science or
The Difference Maker offers safety in his shelter
philosophy to prove his existence to closedminds⁹ Although faith is not blind it is notsight eithersup1⁰ Faith is the evidence of whatwe do not seesup1sup1
Godrsquos shelter unlike an umbrella or a treenever fails
Towers in fortressed cities ofbiblical times provided safetywhen enemies attacked In ourspiritual battles Godrsquos shelter isthe hiding place
The key is to stay there Psalm 91says to live in his shelter - spendour time there Then he hides usin his shadow as if we were in atower of refuge
This Psalm also tells us what wedo not have to fear
1 Satanrsquos bait setting plot trap (The fowlerrsquos snare)
2 Pandemic disease (Deadly pestilence)3 Dread and the object of dread (Terror of night)4 Seemingly random attacks or dangers coming from
all around deeply personal attacks (Arrows fly by day)5 Disease pandemic that walks about in trouble and in
spiritual unreceptiveness (Pestilence stalking in the dark)6 Destruction coming from violence and devastation in
the middle of the day or in the bright of happiness(Plague that destroys at midday)
7 Wicked people (Lion)8 The Devil (Serpent)
In distress of any kind he rescues us or arms us for the battleWhat is left to fear If God is for us who can be against ussup1sup2
136
We still want to hide from time to time Aloneness is notintrinsically unhealthy Jesus taught But when you prayhellipshutthe door behind youhellipsup1sup3
It is the fear that locks us in that paralyzes the life we wantRemember the Difference Maker sets us up with everything weneed for faith courage and victory In all circumstances we candeclare as King Solomon did ldquoThe name of the LORD is a fortifiedtower the righteous run to it and are saferdquosup1⁴
ldquoFinally be strong in the Lord and in hismighty power Put on the full armor ofGodhelliprdquosup1⁵
Paul used a symbolic reference thepeople of his day would haveunderstood the armor of a Romansoldier Comparing physical war tospiritual ones he first describes whywearing Godrsquos armor is necessary
One our struggle is not against peoplebut against the devil and his spiritualforces of evil Two when we are harassedfor our faith we will resist and standsup1⁶
Wearing Godrsquos armor is a decision wemake each day in faith bearing in mindthe vital meaning of each piece
The Difference Maker offers safety in his armor
137
The Belt of Truth ldquoStand firm then with the beltof truth buckled around your waistrdquo The belt of aRoman soldierrsquos armor was more like a girdle andheld up the breastplate
What is truth Jesus said ldquoIf you hold to myteaching you are really my disciples Then you willknow the truth and the truth will set you freerdquosup1⁷Absolute truth does not change and awareness of itprotects us from lies that cause fear
The Breastplate of Righteousness ldquohellipwith thebreastplate of righteousness in placerdquo The Romansoldierrsquos breastplate held in place only once it wasupheld by the belt
What is righteousness Thinking and acting inways that honor God based on his instructionsthese are righteousness However no human effortalone measures up to Godrsquos holiness
Truth upholds our righteousness as it grows in alife with Christ His righteousness leads our wayinto Godrsquos favor There is no fear of punishment ifour faith is sincerely in the Saviorsup1⁸
Feet Fitted with Readiness ldquohellipand with yourfeet fitted with the readiness that comes from thegospel of peacerdquo Spikes covered the bottom ofRoman soldiersrsquo footwear for climbing over roughterrain and for digging into the earth keepingthem steadfast in hand-to-hand combat
138
What is the gospel of peace and how does it make us ready Thegospel is the good news of Jesus the Messiahsup1⁹ While we arealive there is work to finish Readiness to carry this gospel toothers is part of our victory over fear sup2⁰
Shield of Faith ldquoIn addition to all this take upthe shield of faith with which you can extinguishall the flaming arrows of the evil onerdquo A Romansoldier carried a large oblong four-corneredshield covering much of his body
What is faith It is more than believing in GodEven demons believe in God and shuddersup2sup1Faith is pure trust and confidence that Godmeans what he sayssup2sup2
Jesus said faith is like a tiny mustard seed whichbecomes the largest tree in the gardensup2sup3Pastors teachers the Holy Spirit and personalstudy water and feed the seed Nurturing ourfaith is our responsibility that in time surpassesfear
Helmet of Salvation ldquoTake the helmet ofsalvationrdquo Roman soldiers wore a unique helmetprotecting the top and sides of their head Somehelmets also protected the back of the neck
What is salvation Not only is it rescue from awasted life in the present and an erasure ofeternal damnation but the helmet is also theanticipation of the day we are ushered into
139
heavensup2⁴ Keeping our eyes on the reward this helmet protects
us from turning from the faith due to discouragement doubtand fear
a spectacular display of arrogance and deception The battle ofwords was close-up personal and relentless Each time the devilused his wiles the Son of God expertly wielded his swordsup2⁵
In the heat of temptation aimed straight at our weakest pointsskill at using Godrsquos Word boosts our triumph over fear sup2⁶
Prayer ldquoAnd pray in the Spirit on alloccasions with all kinds of prayers and requestsrdquoRoman soldiers needed supplies stamina andfood and water
What is prayer Jesus gave an examplesup2⁷ thatgoes something like this ldquoOur Father in heavenlet your name be treated with reverence Let your
Sword of the Spirit ldquohellipand the sword of theSpirit which is the word of Godrdquo Roman soldierspossessed three sharp weapons a dagger-sized shortsword a spear and a long sword Paul used the shortsword for his comparison to the Word of God
Why a small weapon Satan tempted Jesus in
kingdom come let your will be done on earth as it is in heavenGive us this day our bread for tomorrow and forgive us ourdebts as we also have forgiven our debtors Lead us not intotemptation but deliver us from the evil one for yours is thekingdom and the power and the glory forever Amenrdquo
140
This prayer acknowledges God makes various requests yields to his will and in faith believes all is possible because he is God
and wear his armor daily we will stand with the brave who say Itis scary out there and the Difference Maker goes with me
Godrsquos armor is not intended as a shell to crawlinside Neither is his shelter a place to isolatefrom the world
Fear is fed by our focus When the daycomes that we learn to rest in Godrsquos shelter
141
Prayer to the Difference Maker
When I am hard pressed I cry
to you Lord You bring me into
a spacious place You Lord are
with me I will not be afraid
Based on Psalm 1185-6
143
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in yourpocket Feel it when anxieties and otherpressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
Practical Exercise 10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions andimpulsive thoughts or prevents them fromrising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can behelpful to avoid anxiety attacks or panic orto use during anxiety and panic attacks
143
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing reminders thathe is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics will inspireyou God Will Make a Way
By a roadway in the wilderness Hell lead meAnd rivers in the desert will I seeHeaven and Earth will fade But His word will still remainAnd He will do something new todayGod will make a wayWhere there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot seeHe will make a way for meHe will be my guideHold me closely to His sideWith love and strength for each new dayHe will make a way He will make a way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in apublic place with little opportunity to walk awaypractice sign language or write the names of peopleyou care about in the air discreetly below your waistFiddle with anything that requires your full attentionlike word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worrylater Keep a notebook and pen handy Thenext time anxiety is triggered or could bewrite the concern down and lay it aside Set adate or time to address the issue perhapswith a safe person
144
Next Retrain your thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
145
Now may the God of peace
who through the blood of the
eternal covenant brought back
from the dead our Lord Jesus that
great Shepherd of the sheep equip
you with everything good for doing
his will and may he work in
us what is pleasing to
him through Jesus Christ to
whom be glory for ever and ever
Amen
APPENDIX
147
Terms page 148
A Word About Medication page 149
Bible References page 152
Photos and Other Credits page 155
Collection of Chapter Exercises plus BONUS Exercises page 159
Blank Pages for Notes page 182
Terms - Links
BibleGodrsquos Word
Christ Jesus Christ Christ Jesus
Christian
The Difference Maker= God
Faith
Fear of God
Holy
Jesus
Original languages used to write the Bible
Types of mental health professionals
Repentance
Resurrection
Righteousness
Sin
Trinity
148
An ongoing debate in faith arenas over the use of medications for
mental health particularly depression and anxiety leavesconfusion in its wake Myths about this type of medical therapyabound
Myth 1 Medications cover up spiritual problems Thesedrugs do not create happiness They cannot force introspectionrelief from guilt or wisdom on a person any more than insulinprevents someone with diabetes from eating a candy bar
If behaviors and circumstances that helped to create a mentalhealth need do not change the problem may persist No pill willcorrect poor thinking permanently erase memories of trauma endabuse or change a sinful heart
Medications prepare a brain to function as intended Once stablethe patient can choose to learn wisdom and pursue God or not
Myth 2 Mental illness is a myth No All mental illnesses aredisorders In other words something is wrong with a personrsquosability to function normally due to mental processing Medicationis often necessary to save a life Many chronicled symptoms giveprofessionals an excellent idea of how to diagnose mental illness
Everyone experiences down days massive grief and even
149
A Word About Medication
depressive thoughts It becomes a disorder when a person cannotfunction normally keep healthy relationships or overcome theseemotions
Myth 3 All psychiatrists do is throw pills at youPsychiatrists are medical doctors and specialists It is their job toprescribe medication based on revealed symptoms Appointmentsare typically about 15 minutes Very few offer talk therapy (whereaspsychologists generally do)
A psychiatrist may recommend hospitalization or insist a clientmove to a higher level of care such as to an IOP (IntensiveOutpatient Program) These are professional therapeutic programsthat occur throughout the week in half or full days
Myth 4 Psychiatric medications do not work It is true
150
sometimes they do not Six reasons for this have nothing to dowith the medications themselves
A A patient does not take the medication as prescribed or isnoncompliant and refuses itB A patient refuses recommended co-treatments such as talktherapyC The patient quits too soon Unfortunately it may take weeksand even months to discover the one that works best for aspecific person Dosages may also need readjustmentsD The patient is unable to convey symptoms clearlyPrescriptions based on incomplete information will likely be lesseffectiveE Affordability lack of insurance parity interference fromfamily members and more may disrupt proper treatmentcreating any of the above issues
ldquoJesus is the only one with perfect brain chemistry and nopsychological issues Every other human has somepsychological dysfunctionhellipPsychological Science is simplyunderstanding how God designed our mind to work and thenlearning how to maximally steward our mind for His glory andour fulfillment in Himrdquo
F Misdiagnosis by a doctor This is especially a problem whennon-psychiatric doctors prescribe psychiatric medications
Myth 5 Medications hurt people Safety may be compromisedif medication is not taken as prescribed The wrong medication toocan adversely affect a person Rumors about how often this occursare exaggerated
For most people a combination of medication and talk therapy hasproven most effective For those who receive professionaltreatment 80 go on to live more satisfying lives
If medication corrects brain dysfunction and allows one to developa richer life with Christ (and it has for me) then using medicationis good stewardship of onersquos capabilities Some takeaways from themission statement of Lighthouse Network agree
151
For a deeper look at therapy and medicationsfrom a Christian point of view go to Is It Ok for aChristian to Take Anti-depressants
Chapter
1 The Difference Maker
2 Self-doubt
3 Toxic Shame
4 Self=loathing
Bible References
152
sup1Exodus 1414 sup2Matthew 1128-29 sup3Romans 122 ⁴James 117 ⁵1 John 15 ⁶John 87⁷Romans 623 ⁸2 Thessalonians 17-10 ⁹Ephesians 24-9 NIVsup1⁰Romans 810-18 sup1sup1Psalm 2911 sup1sup2Ephesians 3 14-19
sup1Proverbs 46 -7 sup1∙⁵2 Samuel 111-1225 sup2Psalm 139 23-24sup31 Kings 39 ⁴ Hebrews 511-14niv ⁵Psalm 328niv⁶2 Timothy 316 ⁷2 Peter 120-21 ⁸2 Timothy 316-17niv⁹Mark 1224 sup1⁰1 Corinthians 1433nkjv sup1sup1Hebrews 116sup1sup2 2 Corinthians 317-18 sup1sup3Matthew 633 sup1⁴James15-7sup1⁵Psalm 4610 sup1⁶Deuteronomy 323-4 sup1⁷Exodus 314
sup1Genesis 127 sup2Psalm 84-6 sup3Isaiah 558 ⁴James 39-11 ⁵Ephesians 210 ⁶Psalm 13913⁷2 Corinthians 517 ⁸ Lamentations 322-23 ⁹1 John 31
sup1⁰James 223 sup1sup1 John 1515 sup1sup2Psalm 2710sup1sup3John 10 27-30 sup1⁴2 Corinthians 128-10
sup1Luke 2342-44 sup2 Psalms 34 sup3Micah 718-19 ⁴ Ephesians 317-19 ⁵Psalm 10311-12 ⁶ Psalm 4421⁷Psalm 10314 ⁸ Proverbs 37-8 ⁹Matthew 523-24sup1⁰Luke 2334 sup1sup1Acts 759-60 sup1sup1∙⁵Acts 81sup1sup2Acts 83 sup1sup3 Acts 2022-24 sup1⁴ Philippians 35-14 sup1⁵Psalm 345 sup1⁶2 Corinthians 1314
sup1Exodus 341014 sup2James 316 sup3Proverbs 1430 ⁴Philippians 23-11 ⁵Matthew 2128-32 ⁶Philippians 212-14⁷1 Corinthians 134-8niv ⁸Romans 1215 ⁹Jeremiah 923-25sup1⁰1 John 215-16 sup1sup1Titus 33-5
Chapter
5 Extreme Conclusions
6 Hopeless
7 Jealousy and Envy
153
sup1Matthew 71 sup2Matthew 2537-40 sup3Luke 311⁴Matthew 547niv ⁵Matthew 543-44 ⁶Matthew 712⁷Luke 1030-37 ⁸Numbers 1911-16niv and Leviticus 211-4 10-12niv⁹ 1 Corinthians 1312 sup1⁰Matthew 73-5 sup1⁰∙⁵Luke 1135-36sup1sup1Matthew 1916-26 sup1sup2Matthew 624 sup1sup3Isaiah 714sup1⁴John 11sup1⁵ Verses 4 23 Throughout his ministry people had trouble giving up old beliefs andfully grasping what Jesus was saying In John 11 we see him telling his disciples thatLazarusrsquo illness will not result in death that this situation will bring glory to God (likethe healing of the man born blind which they witnessed John 9) He informs Martha thatLazarus will be raised by him (In the original language the word used when he saysldquoLazarus will liverdquo means raised from a lying down position- raised from the dead)
sup1⁶ Verses 3328 Some traditional versions say Jesus was deeply moved or troubled
Jesus was agitated or angry wanting to instruct everyone and perhaps restrain thefaithless talk around him He waited and instead allowed his prayer and the results tospeak for themselvessup1⁷Psalm 11996 sup1⁸1 Samuel 167 sup1⁹ Mark 1427-31sup2⁰ Mark 14 66-72 sup2sup1John 201-10 sup2sup2 John 211-19sup2sup3Acts 413 sup2⁴2 Corinthians 47 sup2⁵James 116-18
sup1Isaiah 4318-19 niv sup2Psalm 3418 sup3Psalm 1213⁴Genesis 1611-13 ⁴∙⁵ Job 395-8 ⁵Nehemiah 919-20⁶Psalm 119140 ⁷Psalm 1361-3 ⁸Psalm 1437-8⁹Ruth 11-22 and 413-17 sup1⁰Psalm 3121-23 sup1sup12 Corinthians 75-7sup1sup22 Kings 1819 sup1sup31 Kings 1819 sup1⁴Psalm 1391-12sup1⁵Matthew 1029 sup1⁶Proverbs 1410 sup1⁷Proverbs 1320sup1⁸ Book of Job sup1⁹Job 427-9 sup2⁰Psalm 119130
sup1Proverbs 149-10 sup21 John 18 sup3 Isaiah 59 1 2
⁴ Proverbs 193 ⁵James 113 ⁶James 114-15
⁷ Hebrews 1210 ⁸Proverbs 311-12 ⁹Proverbs 1721
sup1⁰ Proverbs 2210 sup1sup1Exodus 201-17 sup1sup2Mark 1228-31
sup1sup3Romans 139-10niv sup1⁴Matthew 53-10 sup1⁵Psalm 411
sup1⁶Matthew 116 ESV sup1⁷Psalm 321-2 sup1⁸Psalm 1465sup1⁹John 151-5 sup2⁰ Romans 81 sup2sup12 Peter 13-9sup2sup2Proverbs 1130
sup2sup3Ephesians 51-20 Galatians 522-23 Proverbs 1031
sup2⁴1 Corinthians 924-25 sup2⁵James 112 sup2⁶Philippians 314
154
Chapter
8 Destructive Blame
9 Perceived Dependency
sup1 Isaiah 4420 sup1∙⁵ Matthew 1921nlt sup2 John 717sup3 John 824 ⁴ John 831-32 ⁵Matthew 2337⁵∙⁵1 Corinthians 120 ⁶Genesis 81 ⁷Genesis 3142⁸Genesis 5020 ⁹1 Samuel 2314 sup1⁰Acts 2622sup1sup1Philippians 227 sup1sup2Acts 224niv sup1sup3Romans 58nivsup1⁴2 Corinthians 75-7niv sup1⁵Jeremiah 41 sup1⁶Mark 217sup1⁷Psalm 7325-26niv
10 Fear
sup1Hebrews 122 sup2Hebrews 123 sup3Matthew 281-10 ⁴Matthew 2820 ⁵1 Samuel 251-38 ⁶ Romans 120 ⁷1 Kings 856-57 ⁸1 Corinthians 210-16 ⁹1 Corinthians 121sup1⁰2 Corinthians 57 sup1sup1Hebrews 111 sup1sup2Romans 831sup1sup3Matthew 66 sup1⁴ Proverbs 1810 sup1⁵Ephesians 61011sup1⁶Ephesians 611-13 sup1⁷ John 831-32 sup1⁸Romans 81-16sup1⁹Ephesians 51 sup2⁰ 2 Corinthians 518-19 sup2sup1James 219sup2sup2Romans 1017 sup2sup3 Matthew 1331-32sup2⁴1 Thessalonians 58-9 sup2⁵Matthew 41-11 sup2⁶Hebrews 512-14 sup2⁷Matthew 69-13
Chapter
1
2
3
4
Photos and Other Credits
Face in the mirror page 40 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped Artist page 44 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Church page 28 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJames Ryan quote page 31 from The National Association for Christian Recovery Four Kinds of Moral Inventory httpswwwnacrorgcenter-for-12-step-recoveryfour-kinds-of-moral-inventoryGirl praying page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NDcropped and manipulatedWriting hand page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredOxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes page 32httpsindianriveraaorgPDFTHE20FOUR20ABSOLUTESpdfScottish Proverb page 32 Confession Is Good For The Soul - Christian Devotions for Daily Living - DevotionscomCross page 32 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped
155
Man with net page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC rock overlaidRock page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCGirl page 14 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Billy Graham quote page 16 from Video Billy Graham httpswwwfacebookcomryanthompson100videos10158050555419605UzpfSTEyOTE4OTc5NDU6MTAyMTY5MTQzNDAwMzI3MTkFlame page 17 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC manipulated Jar page 26 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND
Chapter
5
6
156
Train page 49 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredTrain page 50 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredWounded man scene page 52 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND cropped recolored manipulatedCamel page 54 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYSAAbout Sadducee beliefs page 54 Camels Needles and the Question of Money retrieved on November 5 2020 from httpsallofitagainwordpresscom20170518camels-needles-and-the-question-of-money-colinTrain page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYN recoloredCurved path page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recoloredLazarusrsquo feet page 58 freebibleimagescomTrain tracks page 59 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCrecoloredTrain page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredExam paper page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredRooster page 61 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Jesus page 74 freebibleimagescomArahant Mental Wellness page 76 Treating Depression with TMS Aimed at the Brainrsquos Prefrontal Cortex httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortex Healthline page 76 The Effects of Depression on the Brain What Is Depression httpswwwhealthlinecomhealthdepressioneffects-brainHow-Can-Treatment-Change-the-Brain Figure 1 Page 76 httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortexEric W Dolan page 76 In depressed people the medial prefrontal cortex exerts more control over other parts of the brain Psypostcom Mental Health June 19 2017 httpswwwpsypostorg201706depressed-people-medial-prefrontal-cortex-exerts-control-parts-brainSemicolon tattoo page 81 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredProject Semicolon page 81 httpswwwfacebookcomprojectsemicolonMug page 82 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDrecolored
Jealousy and envy sisters page 92 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped manipulated recoloredHeart page 94 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredJesus and man page 96 freebibleimagescom recoloredWeeds page 98 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recolored
Necklace page 82 from httpswwwamazoncomproject-semicolon-jewelrysk=project+semicolon+jewelryPage 83 Black leprosy also called elephantiasis because the skin begins to look like elephant skin Jobs Disease By Louis Rushmorehttpswwwgospelgazettecomgazette2005janpage15htmJob and friends page 84 freeBibleimagescomGirl and woman page 86 This Photo by Unknown Author licensed under CC BY-NDWarning Signs of Suicide page 87 httpswwwnimhnihgovhealthtopicssuicide-preventionindexshtmlpart_153177Stairs page 91 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped and manipulated recolored
Chapter
6 continued
7
8
157
Boater and swimmer page 102 These Photos by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recolored ndash 2 pictures together both under same license Greek Olympics page 109 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredPower and Control Wheel page 111 from httpswwwtheagapecafecomFishing pole page 113 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredCouples page 115 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDand This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Chapter
9
10
158
Girl page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC cropped recoloredFloating money page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCrecolored croppedDice page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY 20 recolored croppedAshes page 120 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJesus and people page 122 freeBibleimagescomCaptain American cover page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredCaptain America Shield page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredSerenity Prayer photo page 124 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYCartoon man with weights page 125 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredSupport Group scene page 130 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND cropped recolored
Donkey page 133 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAUmbrella Woman page 135 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCWoman in shadows page 136 freeBibleimagescomArmor page 137This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCBreastplate page 138This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDBelt page 138 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDShield page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAHelmet page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCSword page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCPraying hands page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDTurtle page 141 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCLeaf page 143 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCRubiks cube page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SACalendar page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC
Collection of the Chapter Exercises
Plus Bonus Exercises
159
1 Make the Thought Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use anap even though a minute earlier you were not tired This is atype of thought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bedthe visual automatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom whereand why of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take thetime to complete the following exercise (for each thought habit)and you will be surprised at the worthwhile outcome
1 What consistent triggering event and response doyou experience
________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
_________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
160
3 What is your thought-habit
_____________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_____________________________________________(Example l feel content)
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchange your triggerrsquosassociation from gloomy to what generally rightens your mood
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with things you love move thebed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularly for foot rubs sayingprayers or texting jokes to your friends
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of the space with openblinds worship music or a self-starting coffee maker (Avoidtexts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
_________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
161
7 What action will you take next time this triggeringevent occurs
________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts Episodes ofdepression anxiety or other mental health challenges may followa pattern or cycle
BONUS EXERCISE Exchange News and Social Media for Books and Face-to-face Conversation
A sense of aloneness and anxiety might come from a lack of eye-to-eye contact and conversation and an overload of news reports
Especially before going to bed turn off all the negativity and pickup a good book During the day make plans with a friend to visitover coffee even if you must be socially distanced
Do this for two weeks and you will feel the results
2 Use Pros and Cons for Good Judgment
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible orask a mature follower of Christ to see if there is already ananswer given Step three Be brutally honest with all the pros andcons of your options
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
162
Remember Who Has All the Answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottle wherever it will catch somelight Keep it open and have slips of paper and pen available
Write down your unanswered questions doubts about yourselfand any other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside the jar is a great problemsurrounded by shadows and light By faith we can accept that wedo not see all or have all the answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimes shoot out of your jar Thisrepresents the endless wisdom and love of God to which we caneach cling Somehow good is going to come of what we do notunderstand
163
BONUS EXERCISE Sleep Hygiene for a Healthy BrainFrom adaaorg
bullKeep a regular sleep schedule Go to bed around the same timeeach nightbullDo not eat a heavy late mealbullWatch TV in a room other than your bedroombullTurn the TV off 30 minutes before bedtimebullPut down the electronics 30 minutes before bedtime The screeneven on dim mode can still be stimulating to the brain via theeyes
3 Examine the Evidence for Shame
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes to one of thequestions on the left you have a newday in the court of your mind Checkout the corresponding links on theright
164
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Secure Your Release From Toxic Shame
165
BONUS EXERCISE Incorporate Self-care
From successcom
Self-care is different for each person Examples of self-careinclude making a healthy smoothie before work going for a longwalk at lunch spending time laughing with your spouse beforebed going on an adventure drive relaxing at the beach calling afriend or taking a long bubble bath The type of self-care doesnrsquotmatter as much as the effect It should make you feel like yoursquoretaking care of yourself in a way that combats toxic shame self-loathing anxiety depression and stress Carve 20 minutes intoyour day for self-care
4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a gamesomething with a little challenge in it to help make a thoughtexchange So I made one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automaticallyspeak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourselfnames Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friend
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might make youcringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
BONUS EXERCISE Write Your Biography
Write stories from your life using only positive descriptive wordsabout yourself It doesnrsquot have to seem true at first Keep at it
166
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look aboutyou and write down all you have accomplished in the last 24hours (You read this page right That is one) No matter howsmall you think the accomplishment it is evidence to the contraryof never do anything right
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved onesto marketers to abusers messages given us as children and oldercan come from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable ofrealistic insight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged falsenegative core beliefs of their own Are they suggestible andreactionary with their emotions Are they knowledgeable andwise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
BONUS EXERCISE Mirror Mirror
Look yourself in the eye and say ldquoI am loved I am lovablerdquoRepeat
167
Test Messages and Messengers
5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
168
Keep
working
169
Know When to Say Yes for a Most-fulfilling Life
Knowing what is of utmost importance to you will help preventmisdirected drive
1 Take time to list all your current obligations This will includefamily friends job financial expenditures physical healthmental health spiritual goals what God has asked of you andanything that you must finish
2 Look realistically at the above Is there anything that does notfit within your daily availability finances emotional energy orphysical capabilities
3 Is there anything you can remove from this list Ask for Godrsquoswisdom
What remains are yesses With rare exceptions everything else isa no Each time you agree to secondary activities expenses orobligations you are trading-in and saying no to something (orsomeone) you more highly value
BONUS EXERCISE Have a Routine
Sometimes when emotions run our decision-making we needsomething stable to help us stay on track with what it is we want
On your calendar mark a morning routine and a bedtimeroutine Set alarms on your phone for meals and meds Schedulefree time so your calendar does not own you
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have theenergy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeuticEven baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make yourown
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list Play music Set the table Take a shower Sit with the family Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today Go for a walk with a person or your dog Eat a healthy meal Attend participate in a support group Paint a picture or put a puzzle together Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Lower Your Stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
6 When You Feel Hopeless Live a Little
170
Allow Hope
Think about your values as a guide Write down what is importantto you and keep the list where you can see it Each day after youhave a choice stick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family
I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
BONUS EXERCISE Prevention
Lack of motivation and finding no pleasure in pleasurable activitiesare two of the classic symptoms doctors look for to diagnosedepression An enjoyable activity serves a preventative role
Make a 9rdquo x 9rdquo paper circle List around the circle activities youenjoy and activities you want to try Ring a paper clip over a penciland plant the pencil in the middle of your circle Spin the paper clipThe activity it points to is what you do for this day Another circlewith names can select whom to invite to join in the activity
171
172
ExampleThought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social eventlearn to be a good friend Reach out to her inkindness
Do something of value to earn respect speakkind words to and about him work on honestways to improve your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thankGod those people are comfortable and nothungry or cold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to goout with your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
7 Act Opposite
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Do the Amazing
What if you did something so shocking it amazes even youWhat if you went so counter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things If you will do it this challenge will shake yourworld and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it moreor to a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the Script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarrantedcriticism it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of runningwoulda-if-only on a loop how about making the situation into agame
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
173
8 Find Harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time
to study their companion and without criticism show appreciationfor the good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God forwhat you have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blamepay attention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize that everyone including yourselfhas made mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive asmuch as God has forgiven you
174
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stopping another person (we have nocontrol over them) Boundaries are about what we allow into ourcircle
Do the following exercise then create your own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leaveresponsibility for his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for theconsequences of losing them
What about a situation in your life
Draw a Circle Around Yourself
175
176
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsession
Take this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool
httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
9 Now What
Spell It Out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write out all it has stolen andwhat freedom will bring This is about you not casting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praiseand gratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is toa real God who will not only see what you write but who knowsyour heart
Write a letter (or letters) to your perceived dependency Do notmail it if it is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Romeis directly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
177
Find a Strong Support System
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over timewho is healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability tohold your confidences Watch them with other people Choosefriends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who haveseen your struggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
178
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in your pocket Feel it whenanxieties and other pressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions and impulsive thoughts orprevents them from rising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can be helpful to avoid anxietyattacks or panic or to use during anxiety and panic attacks
179
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing remindersthat he is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics willinspire you God Will Make a Way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in a public placewith little opportunity to walk away practice sign language orwrite the names of people you care about in the air discreetlybelow your waist Fiddle with anything that requires your fullattention like word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worry later Keep anotebook and pen handy The next time anxiety is triggered orcould be write the concern down and lay it aside Set a date ortime to address the issue perhaps with a safe person
BONUS Keep Your Mind Busy With Purpose
180
For ideas about purposeful activities and meaningfulrelationships during pandemic isolation see my free e-bookStay at Home and Thrive
Retrain Your Thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
181
182
Notes
Table of Contents
The Difference Makerhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Self-Doubthelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Toxic Shamehelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Self-loathinghelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Extreme Conclusions helliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
HopelessnesshelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellipTo Supports 83
Jealousy and Envyhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Destructive Blamehelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Perceived Dependencyhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Fearhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
Appendixhelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip
5
15
27
39
49
69
92
102
117
131
147
We closed the meeting said goodbye and headed toward our
cars A full to-do list along with a sense of anxious helplessnessfilled my thoughts I cant I cant do it all
Randomly my mind wandered Even if I wanted to clean-up themillions of bee-bee size stones it would be an unsafe waste ofhours A less tedious walk would be nice but the problem was notmine to fix My job was simply to do my best at staying upright
Finally at home I slumped into a chair in silence heart andthoughts racing in stride There still wrapped in my coat handsand feet dressed for the winter chill I sagged under the weight ofbarren strength It was a familiar feeling being overwhelmed
Nothing was left of me on which to lean The whole of my effortslately seemed to accomplish nothing toward higher goals Defeat
5
1The Difference Maker
Walking was treacherous Potholes markedthe parking lot evidence of years of poundingstorms and heavy traffic Miniscule pebblessprinkled a disordered hopscotch as if largerocks had been pulverized over patches of old
and newer asphalt
ldquoI canrsquotrdquo
becomes
our miracle
and exhaustion forced surrender ldquoGod Irsquom sorry I canrsquothelliprdquo
I canrsquot finish what we started canrsquot move from this chair canrsquotplan another meeting see anyone or write another paragraphI canrsquot
Heaven sent three words to complete my whispered prayer ldquobutYou canrdquo The parking lot had been an object lesson It was timeto set down what was not mine to fix
ldquoI canrsquot but You canrdquo became a regular confession One step afteranother this phrase called attention to the One whose strengthdoes not wither whose love never fails and whose offers of restand healing are constant
ldquoThe Lord will fight for you You needonly be stillrdquo God told Mosessup1
ldquoCome to me all you who are wearyand carry heavy burdensrdquo Jesuspromised ldquoI will give you restrdquo sup2
Beyond burn-out daily life often feelsgravelly and threatening whenparalyzed by the past insecurities
The Lord will
fight for you
You need only
be still Exodus 1414
and depressive thinking we make littleprogress toward personal wholeness
Much of the time we stay stuck in fear oflosing what is familiar what it is we thinkwe have learned to control We chasepebbles instead of purpose
6
ldquoLet God transform you into a new person by changing the wayyou thinkrdquo wrote Paul one of the earliest believers in theChristian faithsup3 His term changing or renewing means to makean exchange
God is on our side ldquoI canrsquotrdquo becomes our miracle when we addldquoThe Difference Maker can and Irsquoll let himrdquo
What does God have to do with it
ldquoWho would you rather trust He is the Difference-Makerrdquo - a psychologist
Each are temporary Not only do they fluctuate with discoveryopinions moods and the market none reach into our deepestneed and make us permanently whole
The Difference Maker is well different Not a what but a who hedoes not change like shifting shadows⁴ nor can he be chained tohuman personality knowledge or man-made rites or rules He isgreater than everything we call finished
Godrsquos nature is to be there for us faithful to keep his promiseseven in troubling times His nature is constant which gives us
We like whats What time is it What is thescore What will happen next Educationscience financial security religion andpsychology to name a few have theirpurposes From them we may experience asense of fulfillment and some answers to ourquestion what
7
hope and firm ground in which to stake our trust
Because of his love for each of us he made a way to spend foreverwith us He is holy without any deceit or darkness at all⁵ We arenot as we all know⁶ To permit our guilt (deceit darkness) intohis holy presence he had to make a sacrifice
Instead of compromising his holy nature he provided a holy (nodeceit no darkness) gift that we can choose or refuse One day wewill all stand before God with or without his gift When we cometo him bearing this gift we will be ushered into his heaven⁷ Thenews is dreadful for those who do not have the gift with them⁸
The gift is free salvation offered by Godrsquos grace through faith inhis Son Jesus⁹ It is by accepting this gift that we become Godrsquoschildren and heirs to everything in his kingdomsup1⁰
We have this wonderful future with God to anticipate yet he iswith us now He has sent his Spirit the Holy Spirit (again nodeceit no darkness) to teach us and to touch us emotionally withspiritual truth
One of the best gifts we can open today is Godrsquos peace ldquoThe Lordgives his people strength the Lord blesses them with peacerdquosup1sup1Peace is our new state of being as we learn to apply his truththrough his processes
Paul said it best when he wrote the following
When I think of all this I fall to my knees and pray to theFather the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth Ipray that from his glorious unlimited resources he willempower you with inner strength through his Spirit Then
8
Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in himYour roots will grow down into Godrsquos love and keep youstrong
And may you have the power to understand as all Godrsquospeople should how wide how long how high and how deephis love is May you experience the love of Christ though it istoo great to understand fully Then you will be made completewith all the fullness of life and power that comes from Godsup1sup2
God is love
I will give you a new heart and put anew spirit in you I will remove fromyou your heart of stone and give youa heart of flesh Ezekiel 3626niv
If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son ofGod God lives in them and they in God And so weknow and rely on the love God has for us God islove 1 John 415-16niv
He cares about broken hearts He heals the brokenheartedand binds up their wounds
Psalm 1473niv
You LORD hear the desire of theafflicted you encourage them and youlisten to their cry Psalm 1017niv
He is with us during depression
He offers inside-out change
9
Godrsquos power is at work Now to him who is able to doimmeasurably more than all weask or imagine according to hispower that is at work within us tohim be gloryhellip Ephesians 320-21niv
I say to myself ldquoThe LORD is myinheritance therefore I will hope inhimrdquo -Jeremiah Lamentations 324
He offers eternal hope
He offers joy I came that they may have and enjoy life andhave it in abundance -Jesus John 1010amp
This is not a God will fix you book It is a door that opens into thediscovery of biblical solutions you may not know exist
This is also not a miracle-cure book The miracle is the DifferenceMaker and how he lifts you above depressive thoughts
10
12
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord you teach
ldquohellipwhatever is true
whatever is noble whatever
is right whatever is pure
whatever is lovely whatever
is admirablemdashif anything is
excellent or praiseworthymdash
think about such thingsrdquo
Help me Lord to change my
depressive thoughts
Based on Philippians 48
___________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
1 What consistent triggering event and response do youexperience
___________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
Practical Exercise 1 Make the Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use a napeven though a minute earlier you were not tired This is a type ofthought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bed the visualautomatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Begin noticing what runs through your brain in different situationsHow do certain thoughts make you feel
If you are uncertain how to answer the last question try this quickexperiment Think for 30 seconds on this yearrsquos news and noticeyour emotions Now focus on your favorite memory for 30 secondsIn which direction did your feelings travel when you changed theseintentional thoughts
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom where andwhy of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take the time tocomplete the following exercise (for each thought habit) and you willbe surprised at the worthwhile outcome
12
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchangeyour triggerrsquos association from gloomy to whatgenerally rightens your mood
3 What is your thought-habit
_______________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_______________________________________________(Example l feel content)
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with thingsyou love move the bed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularlyfor foot rubs saying prayers or texting jokesto your friends Avoid texts from work oropen them elsewhere)
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of thespace with open curtains worship music or a self-startingcoffee maker (Avoid texts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
__________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
13
7 What action will you take next time this triggering eventoccurs
__________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts More seriousepisodes of depression anxiety or other challenges may follow apattern or cycle Ideas throughout the following chapters can helpcreate new thinking patterns to replace negative thought habits
14
2Self-Doubt
Her eyes climb sparkling windowpanes to the tenth floor as she
stands frozen facing the entrance to an imposing office buildingAudrey has researched this job opportunity for days Do I knowenough Her binder is loaded with documents What did I forgetHer attire is professional I should have worn those other shoes
A woman walks past carrying a briefcase She looks put-togetherWhat if she is applying Audrey has recently earned a degree thefirst in her family to finish college But it is only a bachelorrsquos and Ihave no experience She catches her reflection in the glass doorsIrsquom too young
Finally Audrey caves What was I thinking They will never hireme This was a mistake Irsquom going home
Some thoughts My judgment is questionable Is this the right decision Am I good enough No one will take me
seriously I do not know if I am making a difference Fears of rejection and failure are paralyzing
ldquoGet Wisdomrdquo
[Godrsquos] still on the throne And those of us who know him putour trust in him and him alone I donrsquot put my trust in
15
ldquoGet wisdomrdquo is the challenge King Solomon of ancient Israel gaveto his son ldquoThough it cost all you have get understandingrdquosup1 Iwonder if his urgency was inspired by the story of his parentsKing David and Bathshebasup1∙⁵
Get wisdom from believers who listen to the Holy Spirit King David took another manrsquos wife Bathsheba and killed theman God detested this terrible deed and David knew it Drowningin lies and excuses he lived in total denial
Nathan the prophet listened to Godrsquos Holy Spirit and called David
Washington I donrsquot put my trust in the United Nations I donrsquotput trust in myself I donrsquot put my trust in my money I put mytrust in the Lord Jesus Christ When all the rest of it fails andcrumbles and shatters Hersquoll be there - Billy Graham
16
Reliance on
Godrsquos wisdom
means our
judgment is
not our only
resource
Self-doubt traps us between fear andfailure Trusting God to show us what todo may seem contradictory to our goal ofthinking for ourselves with confidence Ofcourse we are not created conformists orrobots
Nonetheless we cannot know more thanwe know Reliance on Godrsquos wisdommeans our judgment is not our onlyresource Even when we do not know thewhere what why or how ofcircumstances we never have toquestion Gods ability to lead
out on his rationalizing Truth hit David hard Hebroke down His tears of grief were not only regretbut repentance
Repentance is a combination of sorrow oversinning (wrongdoing) against God and a turningaway from those sins David later wrote in such away it is evident he changed direction His prayeris one we can repeat
Solomon became king remembering his fatherrsquoslessons Above long life riches or militaryvictory he prayed for an understanding mind anddiscerning heart to know the difference betweenright and wrongsup3
Growth and discernment are natural results of asincere and disciplined relationship with JesusAge and many years in the church do notguarantee this Spiritually mature believers havedeeper understanding of sound judgment becauseby constant practice they have trainedthemselves to distinguish good from evil⁴ Thereis much to be said for such experience
A man thanked a boy for giving him directionsadding ldquoIrsquom the new pastor Come to church
17
ldquoSearch me O God and know my heart test meand know my anxious thoughts Point outanything in me that offends you and lead mealong the path of everlasting liferdquosup2
Sunday and Irsquoll show you how get to heavenrdquo
The boy was skeptical Awww come on You dont even know theway around town
God promises ldquoI willhellip teach you in the way you should gordquo⁵ LikeNathan God still appoints people who listen to the Holy Spirit tospeak truth
The better part of wisdom is admitting when we have reached theend of what we know and humbly asking for directions
Get wisdom from the Holy BibleGodrsquos Word is not merely words on paper All Scripture is God-breathed according to Paul⁶ None of it is false
No prophecy or book in the Bible came from the writerrsquos initiativeor human understanding There is but one author God People likePaul who wrote profound letters were moved by the Holy Spirit⁷
Paul continues by saying the Bible is useful for correcting andtraining so servants of God (believers) will be thoroughlyequipped for every good deed and ministry⁸ He strongly impliesthat without such correction and training we will not have thenecessary tools to do Godrsquos work
Several hyper-religious hypocrites tried to trap Jesus with loadedquestions In one incident Jesus replied ldquoAre you not in errorbecause you do not know the Scriptures or the power of Godrdquo ⁹
Jesus could not be tricked into a defensive position because heknew the Word of God intimately He understood the heart of it
18
because he knew the Father so well If we are not studying thebook we will find ourselves floundering So often we leaveourselves vulnerable to the latest arguments and philosophies
Saturating in the Bible whether through reading or audio is howwe learn who God is how he relates to us personally and how torespond to him Without this we miss out on the power of God
I recommend reading the Bible in large chunks Headingschapters and verse numbers have been added by publishers tohelp us navigate and find specific passages these markings do notexist in the original writings Context and flow of meaning arericher without those divisions so try to pretend they are not there
As variations from reading I enjoy the NIV dramatized versionaudio Bible and movies that directly quote New Testament books
The Bible is also not published in chronological order You mayfind it more fascinating and exciting to follow a chronological listof books and passages These are easily found online
Get wisdom from knowing Godrsquos willSelf-doubt interrupts our ability to process leaving us stranded ina place of pain the valley of indecision We want to know Godrsquoswill for us yet our prayers are mixed with fear and negative what-ifs
19
Sam enjoys the pace of factory work He is good with his hands andfeels a sense of pride in a dayrsquos accomplishments He holds nostudent debt can leave his job at the factory and is fully presentfor his family in the evenings
Sam would be miserable managing the factory After dealing withcontractors and payroll and customers all day he would returnhome uptight business school loans still due
If Sam were offered these jobs what would you recommend forhim God is not the author of confusionsup1⁰ Most of the time hespeaks through the obvious and we can over-spiritualize things tothe point they make no sense
God made us with innate talents and gifts He placed us in culturesamong people who will help develop our likes and dislikesAssuming we are not choosing to sin we can make life choicesbased on what suits our unique qualities best
If Audrey faces that office building knowing the job is one that willdry up her talents then walking away is likely wise Of course Godgrows us within the challenging features of his calling We tend toenjoy what we are successful doing and skills increase withpractice Trying a new experience is an adventure
20
Where We
Find JoyOur
Will
Godrsquos
Will
21
He has already revealed his will for us anyway Comparing ouroptions to his known will makes for simpler decisions if they donot match we need to change
Firstly we must have faith in God and In his Son Jesus Withoutfaith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes tohim must believe that he exists and that he rewards those whoearnestly seek himsup1sup1
Secondly with the help of the Holy Spirit we are to transformbecoming more like Christ in attitude which is love for othersobedience to the Father and willingness to suffer for the truthsup1sup2
Thirdly we are told to focus on the spiritual kingdom of Jesussup1sup3My grandmother had a sign hung prominently in her dining roomAs one who wanted to make a difference in the world it spoke tome throughout my youth
lsquoTis only one life
lsquoTwill soon be past
Only whatrsquos done for Christ will last
God feels with you and knows how exhausted and overloaded youare at times Do what you want and can do His work in us is allabout growing in love not more pressure to meet human orreligious standards
Get wisdom from prayerPerhaps the most comforting promise about using good judgment
22
was recorded by Jesusrsquo brother James ldquoIf any of you lacks wisdomyou should ask God who gives generously to all without findingfault and it will be given to yourdquosup1⁴
Without finding fault what a relief We do not have to clean-upbefore approaching our Holy Father He has only one condition forhis perfect guidance to get through to us James wrote ldquoBut whenyou ask you must believe and not doubtrdquosup1⁴
A pastor proposed an idea for knowing when we have receivedGodrsquos answer
Ask Make a specific request to God such as ldquoIs it best I take thisjobrdquo or ldquoDo I owe Becky an apologyrdquo
Listen Pay attention to the first thought that follows yourrequest
Act Go with that first thought
But I will make a mistake Irsquoll think of something wrong That iswhere doubt comes in God is more than capable of getting hismessage through all the muck in our heads Every time I haveapplied this pastorrsquos idea every time the answer has been the rightone
Confusion comes with arguing It is true Trying to have my wayand ldquoaskrdquo him at the same time forces a did he answer or did he notanswer internal battle That is on me not him Self-doubt will pop-up its ugly head nevertheless it loses its power if we refuse tosecond-guess God
Faith and trust increase the better we know him ldquoBe still and knowthat I am Godrdquo he sayssup1⁵ Be still Turn off the television and
23
phone go somewhere quiet and meditate onwho is this God and Creator of the universe
Open your Bible with this prayer ldquoGod pleaseshow me what this means to my life mysituation Please reveal what I need to learnabout Yourdquo
Love and holiness are Godrsquos nature His love is
He told
Moses his
name
ldquoI AMrdquo
unending He is the source of all good and truth in the world He isperfectly goodsup1⁶
Yet he is a mystery No one of such finite quality as we can fullymake sense of an eternal God The most studious experts ofscripture know only what God has revealed to them
He told Moses his name I AMsup1⁷ He exists As supposed to all theother false gods and idols that are man-made illusions and self-reliance which is faulty surely he can handle our situations Let usstop questioning our every move We can be still and know he isGod
Imagine Audrey goes to the job interview confident of Godrsquos lovefor her Intimidation and insecurities weaken as she exchanges self-doubt for faith
I cannot Lord You canI have not You will never abandon me
I am unseeing You know all
Please lead me along the best path
25
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Do good to your servant
according to your word
Lord Teach me knowledge
and good judgment for I
trust your commands Before
I was afflicted I went
astray but now I obey
your word
Psalm 11965-67
Practical Exercise 2 Pros and Cons
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible or ask amature follower of Christ to see if there is already an answer givenStep three Be brutally honest with all the pros and cons of youroptions
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
25
Next remember who has all the answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottlewherever it will catch some light Keepit open and have slips of paper andpen available
Write down your unansweredquestions doubts about yourself andany other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside thejar is a great problem surrounded byshadows and light By faith we canaccept that we do not see all or have allthe answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimesshoot out of your jar This representsthe endless wisdom and love of God towhich we can each cling Somehowgood is going to come of what we donot understand
26
3Toxic Shame
Some thoughts I must punish myself I cannot show my face Irsquoll never tell anyone what I did or how I feel There are dozens of reasons for her to hate me I cannot go to
God because Ive done too much wrong Forgive myself Not possible
Shame is a good thing It is Without shame for wrongdoing there
would be no rehabilitation no fresh starts no amends and nochange We must feel ashamed so we are ready to apologize andmean it This is healthy
Toxic Shame is a cruel entertainer replaying mental moviesespecially at night while we snack on the poisons of self-hate andhumiliation
Toxic Shames co-conspirator is Mindreading She makes it difficultto let go of the fear that people remember and do not forgive
Toxic Shame is a relentless accuser with total-devastation potential Scores of his targets havefallen victim to physical pains anxiety or someform of self-punishment This shame preventsrest in Godrsquos love because we question ourworthiness of forgiveness
27
mistakes We do not take their words at face value Mindreadingassumes we are judged by everyone like we judge ourselves
Toxic shame cannot stand up to Godrsquos mercy
pastor the name of Jesus never escaped his lips
As he lay dying and unresponsive at age eighty-four a chaplaincame to visit He asked about Dadrsquos background and I told him whatI just told you The chaplain said something I had not consideredldquoPerhaps because he once was a pastor he does not believe he canbe forgiven for falling into sinrdquo
It makes perfect sense the way Dad wouldshrug off talk of his old days as a preacheror how he changed the subject if a regularconversation turned to faith When I or myson asked about his relationship to Jesushe always answered ldquoIrsquom working on itrdquo
ldquoPerhaps
because he was
once a pastor
he does not
believe he can
be forgivenrdquo
Refusing to forgive ourselves might seemlike humility it is the epitome of prideWe assume to have an authority greaterthan God when after he wipes away oursins we answer ldquoNot me Im too messedup even for You
Clumsy human attitudes such as this donot determine Godrsquos toward us
My dad was not easily understood Hisways were a mix of good deeds and dolingout grievous pain Although he was once a
28
Shortly after the chaplain spoke to and prayed with my dad Istepped out for a short break from keeping vigil Ten minutes latertrying to reenter Dadrsquos room it felt the door was heavy as ifpressing against a strong wind With a heavier shove I found myselfin a familiar and most welcome of atmospheres
It was still except for the sound of labored breathing The air wasthick with the closest to perfect peace as we will ever know on thisearth The dense presence of Godrsquos Holy Spirit filled the roomconcentrated in the corner over my fatherrsquos bed
The Difference Maker was answering my long-time prayer andholding a deathbed conversation with Dad Some time passed until Ifelt the presence rise and leave perhaps taking a refreshed soul withhim Within an hour my dadrsquos frail body quit trying
Jesus was crucified between two thieves One of them said to JesusldquoRemember me when you come into your kingdomrdquo
Jesus answered ldquoToday you will be with me in paradiserdquosup1
A thief and my dad Two unlikely candidates for heaven embracedfor eternity because they said yes to forgiveness
It is too bad my dad did not live a life of peace We can While werehearse old scenarios the Difference Maker forgives generously
We duck our heads in shame he wants to liftour chinssup2
Once my dad had breathed his last I askedGod if he would assure me that dad said yes tohim during their talk I opened my Bible and
29
30
landed near the end of the Old Testament
ldquoYou will not stay angry with your people forever because youdelight in showing unfailing loverdquo Micah the prophet wrote ldquoOnceagain you will have compassion on us You will trample our sinsunder your feet and throw them into the depths of the oceanrdquosup3
Do you see that God delights in showing unfailing love He wasnever about to let his child go into eternity without him In the endGod orchestrated the timing so my dad would accept forgivenessand his daughter would have the privilege of learning just how deepis the love of God for those who believe on his Son⁴
He not only removes our shame he personally has a great timedoing so He is eager to remove our fears too
I know my dad is in heaven just like I know the thief is there ldquoFor ashigh as the heavens are above the earth so great is his love for thosewho fear him as far as the east is from the west so far has heremoved our transgressions from usrdquo⁵
Other steps
Remember healthy shame It becomes toxic when we allow it to rotunattended while we refuse to deal with complicated truth
Things we ignore grow moldy and poisonous This plays out inaddiction resentment depression anger control issues self-righteousness and so much more
Godrsquos love and forgiveness are gracious and forever I will thank himfor them However he does not take our stubborn and hard
Moral inventory shapes our understanding of ourselves whichin turn shapes our relationship with God Some styles ofinventory ask us to take a hard look at our character defectsand this can create a powerful sense of our need for God Otherstyles of inventory encourage us to look not just at ourshortcomings but at our strengths as well and so the sense ofneed for God is not as strong If we write according to the firststyle of inventory we are more likely to enter in an intimaterelationship with God ndashJames Ryan of the National
Association of Christian Recovery
A fearless inventory does not shy away from total honesty with Godwho knows everything anyway⁶ We do not have to fear Godrsquosrejection He never expects perfection from humans because heknows how weak we are he remembers we are only dust⁷
Guidance for completing an inventory is on the next page
hearts and melt them against our will Steps we can take will openus to his miracles
Moral Inventory
31
ConfessionldquoDonrsquot be impressed with your own wisdomInstead fear the LORD and turn away fromevil Then you will have healing for your bodyand strength for your bonesrdquo⁸
Who knew the Bible is so psychologically apteh
The One who made us knows we need tounload shame and offers his listening earsWe share our moral inventory with him andask him to remove all our sins
Honesty 1 Peter 222
rdquoHe committed no
sin and no deceit was
found in his mouthrdquo
Sexual Purity
Hebrews 726 rdquo[Christ
Jesus] truly meets our need mdash one who is
holy blameless pure set apart from sinnershelliprdquo
Love 1 John 316 ldquoThis is how
we know what love isJesus Christ
laid down his life for
usrdquo
Unselfishness2 Corinthians
89rdquoFor you know the grace of our
Lord Jesus Christ that
though he was rich yet for your sake he became
poor so that you through his
poverty might become richrdquo
Borrowed from the Oxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes we compare
our honesty purity unselfishness and love to that of Jesus
32
Amends (not excuses)
Jesus said ldquohellipif you are offering your gift at the altar (he meant inworship of God) and there remember that your brother or sisterhas something against you leave your gift there in front of the altarFirst go and be reconciled to them then come and offer your giftrdquo⁹
That is how important making amends is to God Confessing ourwrongs to people we have hurt is a giant step toward our healingfrom toxic shame and hopefully brings some sense of closure tothem too Unless contacting them would cause them more pain wehumbly admit what we did and apologize
Forgiveness is theirs to give when and if they are ready so we donot ask for it Our forgiveness comes from above Amends may notproduce a healed relationship we do it anyway and leave others toGod
Pray blessings for your enemiesJesus prayed for his enemiessup1⁰ as did Stephen the first Christianmartyr
ldquoOpen confession is good for the soulrdquo ndashScottish proverb
33
This is an ongoing process His forgivenessis complete nonetheless we will continueto act dishonestly impurely selfishly andunlovingly at times
A caution Do not compare yourself against
other people only to Christ Jesus
Stephen prayed for those who conspired to have him stoned todeathsup1sup1 While he was dying he asked God to have mercy on hisenemies Saul of Tarsus stood among themsup1sup1∙⁵
In the name of God Saul of Tarsus zealously opposed Jesusrsquofollowers hunting them down Mercilessly he tore families apartdragging men and women believers to prison and voting for theirdeaths He tried to force them to blaspheme a criminal offensesup1sup2
Eventually he wrote half the New Testament of our Holy Bibletoday
Did Paul deserve Godrsquos grace No way That is the beauty of itnone of us do Jesus never sinned and therefore had pure love forhis enemies By praying for our enemies we recognize theirhumanity and ours The largess of Godrsquos grace heals our soul
Stay in the presentPaul could easily have been paralyzed by toxic shame as hepreached to and encouraged friends and members of those samefamilies he had killed In his sixties and under house arrest for hisfaith Paul wrote ldquohellipone thing I do Forgetting what is behind and
As he was
martyred he
asked God to
have mercy on his
enemies
God heard Stephenrsquos prayer and hadmercy on Saul After his conversionSaul changed his name to Paul (Saulwas a kingly name Paul meanslittle)
For about thirty-five years Paulserved as missionary and churchplanter willingly suffering the life hehad imposed on otherssup1sup3
34
Note We all need assistance sometimes When toxicshame is connected to unaddressed memories andtrauma emotional disturbances and the inability tofunction normally we may benefit most from professionalhelp
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love ofGod and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with yousup1⁶
straining toward what is ahead I press onhelliprdquo sup1⁴
Toxic shame can be a choice The past cannot change why wastetime on it Today and tomorrow with the Difference Maker in thelead we have the opportunity to follow his plan of escape from self-defeating thoughts and live a different kind of life
Godrsquos promise is that no shadow of shame will darken our faces ifwe look to himsup1⁵ Read the book of John as you begin orstrengthen your walk with God
35
Prayer to the Difference Maker
ldquohellipmany are saying of my soul
lsquoThere is no salvation for him in Godrsquo
But you O LORD
are a shield about me my glory
and the lifter of my headrdquo
Psalm 32-4 (ESV)
Practical Exercise 3 Examine the Evidence
If
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes toone of the questionson the left you havea new day in thecourt of your mindCheck out thecorresponding linkson the right
37
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Prison- no parole
Next secure your release
38
4Self-loathing
Mr Negative self-
talk destroys
identities and
paralyzes dreams
Period That is all
he does
Mr Self-loathing blinds us to thewonderful mysteries of otherpeople by laser-beam focusinginward In public we worry if weare coming across okay In privatewe wonder what others think aboutus
When we do not believe in ouraptitude personality or lovabilitywe miss out on the love others tryto extend Compliments upset us
Some thoughts Irsquom not good enough No one can love meIrsquom too old or young too fat or thin too uneducated or
inexperienced too introverted or boisterous Irsquom always too much and too little Ugly Idiot Trouble
Thats me I am a mistake
Mr Self-loathing is in the ldquoIrdquo business He sells I-should-not be
me and I-should-have-done-better His top sales manager MsSense of Worthlessness invented Irsquom not-as-good-as-so-n-so andIrsquom-sorry-for-everything Their chief of business communicationsolrsquo Negative Self-talk specializes in I am a loser of every typeimaginable
39
because in our minds they cannotpossibly be true We believepeople are only placating us forwhat purpose we do not knowMiniscule mistakes blare I canrsquotget anything right
Loathing is a strong term andappropriate for this self-debasingthinking As a thought habit itresponds well to Practical Exercise1
If we buy the goods Ms Sense ofWorthlessness sells self-loathing
goes public She excels at over-apologizing One of her favorites isldquoOh excuse merdquo (even though you nearly knocked me onto mykeester and two pounds of chocolate chips ripped open in front ofmy three very young children who now look like foraging raccoonsBut hey Irsquom sorry- to you- who is long gone)
Another favorite is ldquoIrsquom sorry to bother yourdquo (though you said I amnot bothering you a minute ago and each time I have walked intoyour office since you hired me you have said the same)
She also encourages her customers to say I am sorry with bodylanguage when nothing out of the ordinary has occurred
Maybe we rationalize apologies as nice polite or sympatheticUnfortunately unnecessary and excessive apologizing generallyframes us as untrustworthy and weak even if we are not thosethings The practice works against us
40
Mr Negative Self-talk destroys identities and paralyzes dreamsPeriod That is all he does His attacks against our wellbeing are oldvoices thoughts and beliefs playing on a loop each geared towardthe abuse and vandalization of our minds bodies and spirits
One meme says ldquoIf a friend speaks to you the way you speak toyourself how long will you be friendsrdquo Well what if a friend talksabout herself using thoughts you hold against yourself how longbefore you try to reassure her
Baggage and Beliefs
Some of our baggage is based on negative false core beliefs usuallyadopted in childhood Three steps form a belief
bull A significant person to us one in authority or someone we trustor admire sends or affirms a message positive or negativethrough speech or actions
bull Our experience must support that message whether byperception or reality
bull Then we must repeat the message to ourselves
For instance a teacher says ldquoYou are weak at mathrdquo On the nextexam you miss some equations This experience might become yourldquoevidencerdquo of weakness in math By repeating to yourself Irsquomterrible at math you affix the belief
Negative false core beliefs often buried deep inside and out ofsight strongly affect our decisions even when we are unaware
Jeff is not introspective and tends to go about his business with anair of certainty However he turns down promotions and lately
41
His dad had been promoted severaltimes within the company for whichhe worked most of his life At an olderage he was fired and replaced by ayounger man who earned less Thishappened when Jeff was a teenagerand he heard an earful as his dadblamed the bosses the ldquosystemrdquo andbad luck
Jeff picked up on the message that nomatter how hard one tries gettingahead will result in financial disasteranyway Throughout his life hegathered evidence of injusticesupporting this message Hemumbled ldquoThatrsquos the way it isrdquo untilhe no longer had to be aware of it tobase his life around it
Uncovering this core belief changedhis attitude He took time to challengethe old fear with evidence to thecontrary
42
A
message
Experience
backs it up
We repeat
the
message to
ourselves
anger rises when the manager asks him to take on more leadershipresponsibility
Jeffrsquos wife suggests he begin to question for the first time if there ismore behind these decisions Starting with the Difference Makerhe asks for help
Beliefs Baggage
Whether he accepts a promotion is not the point He is his ownman free to make decisions about his future without an underlyingfear of loss undermining his goals
Any one of us may have our sense of identity buried under moundsof such beliefs I am stupid I am annoying No one can truly loveme I do not belong herehellip and on and on it goes We watch ourdreams float past like clouds and mutter ldquoI canrsquot I am not enoughrdquo
Another point of view
Self-loathing a sense of worthlessness and negative self-talk may
Godrsquos
Thoughts
Our
Thoughts
be familiar and oddly comforting Perhaps this ishow someone significant to us treats us Maybe itis all we have known No matter how the put-downs started God wants to change our thinking
He highly values us He created people in hisimagesup1 He made humans but a little lower thanhimselfsup2
These facts do not make us little gods he alone isGod He said ldquoMy thoughts are nothing like yourthoughts and my ways are far beyond anythingyou could imaginerdquosup3
By questioning our worth are we not assuminghis thoughts are the lower ones We curse onehuman being who is made in Godrsquos likeness andoften harshly judge others who remind us ofourselves⁴
43
Take in the Difference Makerrsquos messages
I am whole as Godrsquos artFor I am Godrsquos handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do goodworks which he prepared in advance for me to do ⁵
He created my inmost being he knit me together in my motherrsquoswomb⁶
I am whole because I am newThis means that I who belong to Christ have become a new personMy old life is gone a new life has begun⁷
Because of the LORDrsquos great love I am not consumed for hiscompassions never fail They are new every morning Great is Godrsquosfaithfulness ⁸
God does not make mistakes therefore I matter God loves me with an unending love therefore I am lovable
I am human with strengths and weaknesses like everyone therefore I am as valuable
There is purpose for my life therefore I will make a differenceI am who God says I am therefore I have a unique identity
44
Taking Godrsquos point of view to heart is to embrace grace thatmysterious and priceless gift of Godrsquos favor and blessing that no onecan earn
45
I belong because I am Godrsquos childSee what great love the Father has lavished on me that I should becalled a child of God And that is what I am ⁹
I belong and am a friend of JesusI am friends with the Lord and Savior Yes Abraham believedGodhellip and he was called a friend of Godsup1⁰
He calls me friend for everything that he has learned from theFather he has made known to mesup1sup1
I am secureThough my father and mother forsake me the LORD will receivemesup1sup2
I am one of Good Shepherdrsquos sheep and I listen to his voice Heknows me and I follow him He gives me eternal life and I willnever perish No one can snatch me away for the Father is morepowerful than anyone else No one can snatch me from the Fatherrsquoshandsup1sup3
I am strong when I am weakChristrsquos grace is all I need His power works best in myweakness So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so thatthe power of Christ can work through mesup1⁴
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Thank you for making me so
wonderfully complex Your
workmanship is marvelous -
how well I know it
Psalm 13914
Practical Exercise 4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a game somethingwith a little challenge in it to help make a thought exchange So Imade one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Word-Swap
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automatically
speak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourself
names Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckhellipExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friendhellip
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might makeyou cringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
47
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look about youand write down all you have accomplished in the last 24 hours (Youread this page right That is one) No matter how small you think theaccomplishment it is evidence to the contrary of never do anythingright
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved ones tomarketers to abusers messages given us as children and older cancome from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable of realisticinsight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged false negative corebeliefs of their own Are they suggestible and reactionary with theiremotions Are they knowledgeable and wise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
48
Next test messages and messengers
5Extreme
Conclusions How I feel in this moment is how I will always feel No
one is trustworthy If the result will be perfect Irsquoll do it if not I wonrsquot try God only helps those who help themselves
Irsquoll make sure you are happy Irsquoll sleep when Irsquom dead I always do what is right and you never do If I do not get
this new job Irsquoll have to go back to the old one
Extreme conclusions are mental
destinations We travel there via trains ofthought Four main engines pull separate linesof cargo cars loaded with random thoughtsand assumptions These engines are calledBlack-and-white All-or-nothing Either-orand Pass-fail
Extreme conclusions are depressive whenexpectations are not met For example in thesports world winning is everything If an
Disclaimer Absolute truths exist as expressedthroughout this book that is not the topic here
Pass-fail
athlete with a pass-fail mindset loses the athletersquos sense of personalvalue may hang on the scoreboard
49
Primarily this mindsetjudges By dissecting life andboxing it in with manmaderules it labels situationspeople ideas emotions andeven God as all good or all
bad
Unwanted or disagreeable
Throughout a lifetime gray areas or for the sake of this chapter themiddle track is where most decisions are made We want to land atreasonable conclusions Listening learning compromising makingfair judgments and extending mercy swiftly carry us to that moresatisfying place
Once there we find closer relationships higher self-esteemforgiveness and honesty
It is imperative our thoughts ride the middle rails Outside of thatwe lose sight of options We wind up lost in Extreme Conclusionsour minds closed
Black-and-white (judgmental)
Black-and-white thinking is themonster truck of thought enginesthe gold medalist in conveyingundecipherable messages to ourbrain at speeds so fast that we areat Extreme Conclusions wellbefore we have had a chance to reconsider
50
ideas and emotions are stored out of reach and dismissed
Jesus lived in the gray Violently against hypocricy and manmadereligious laws and passionate about his Father he taught atransformative love
Do not judgesup1 open your eyes and arms to the strangersup2 and sharewith those in needsup3 he preached Greet people who are not yourpeople⁴ pray for your enemies⁵ and do to others as you wouldwant them to do to you⁶
He was radical then and still is It was against religious rules to doany work on the Sabbath yet Jesus healed people and allowed hishungry disciples to pick grain on holy days He lifted women to ahigher plane speaking to them directly and treating them with thesame respect he offered men He welcomed women to choosediscipleship Love and decency shown to the poor and sociallydespised became a hallmark of his ministry
He was not so patient with religious hypocrites
Jesus told a now-famous parable⁷ about extreme conclusions of theself-righteous black-and-white variety and their opposite
A man of a certain race and creed was beaten by robbers and left todie Two people of the same race and creed saw him lying there andignored him
Why He was inconvenient They had work to finish and religiousrules to follow Touching a dead man back then would make themceremonially unclean for seven days⁸ They would not take thechance
51
A third man came along this time of a race andcreed that shared a long-standing animositytoward the people of the robbed man Normallythese two populations did not interact or eventouch some of the same items
Social norms did not cause this third passer-by tohesitate He saw only human need and rushed tothe aid of a person dying by the side of the roadInstead of us versus them he chose middleground
He saw
only
human
need and
rushed to
the aid of
a person
dying by
the side of
the roadInstead of
us versus
them he
chose
middle
ground
He cleaned the manrsquoswounds with oil andwine bandaged hislacerations and tookhim to an inn where theowner agreed to watchover his recovery Thekind stranger paid forroom and boardpromised to check backand left to go about hisbusiness
Black and whitejudgments often have
52
nothing to do with love The Difference Makerreminds us that he holds all knowledge and weknow but part⁹ Blinded to a log in our eyes wewill hurt people by attempting speck-removalsurgery on theirssup1⁰
ldquoMake sure that the light you think you have is not actuallydarkness If you are filled with light with no dark corners then yourwhole life will be radiant as though a floodlight were filling youwith lightrdquosup1⁰∙⁵
All-or-nothing (misdirected drive)
All-or-nothing is 101 investment in a single area of life to theexclusion of all else It is a one-track train of thought
state of constant motion stress and guilt
Whatever consumes our priorities and imagination vital momentsand relationships that make life worthwhile wilt in the cabooseDepression is an unsurprising pay-off as are heart attacks Balanceis in the middle
Common modern misdirected drives such as the love of money andcontrol over onersquos destiny are also ancient
A rich young mansup1sup1 clearly spiritually sensitive approached JesusldquoI have carefully followed all the ten commandmentsrdquo he saidldquoWhat else must I do to earn eternal liferdquo
With love Jesus offered a shocking plan He suggested the man sellhis possessions and give the money to the poor This ran far deeper
Be it work education legacyfame power pursuit of moneyor anything else an all-or-nothingmindset mimics tyrannythreatening to stop us altogetherunless we remain in a deplorable
53
than asking for a donation Jesusrsquo intentions appear less aboutsacrificial giving than faith
One sect of religious teachers at the time commonly taught thatwealth proved Godrsquos approval and was a likely ticket to heaven ifheaven existed The young man went away sad and this falseteaching may be part of the reason His question had been aboutobeying rules Jesusrsquo answer challenged him to lsquobreakrsquo one of theso-called rules that provided comfort
Driven to earn more collect more and reassure himself he missedeverything he had been looking for He was afraid of losing statushis hope of salvation by a means other than Jesus
heaven what hope was there for the poor For them Theyasked ldquoWho then can be savedrdquo
Jesus said ldquoWith man this is impossible but with God all thingsare possiblerdquo In one sentence he negated the notion that anythingbut Godrsquos grace can usher people into eternal life
All-or-nothing thinking potentially affects us in any area Jesussaid ldquoNo one can serve two masters For you will hate one and lovethe other you will be devoted to one and despise the otherrdquosup1sup2
To his disciples who witnessed thisexchange Jesus said ldquoIt is easierfor a camel to go through the eye ofa needle than for a rich person toenter the kingdom of Godrdquo
They were naturally astounded atthis unfamiliar teaching If it wereimpossible for the rich to enter
54
A popular heresy is the ldquoprosperity gospelrdquo promising gulliblepeople that God wants them rich Lest there be any doubt Paulexplains this topic in a letter to the young pastor Timothy
ldquoThese are the things you are to teach and insist on If anyoneteaches otherwise and does not agree to the sound instruction of ourLord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching they are conceited andunderstand nothing They have an unhealthy interest incontroversies and quarrels about words that result in envy strifemalicious talk evil suspicions and constant friction between peopleof corrupt mind who have been robbed of the truth and who thinkthat godliness is a means to financial gain
ldquoBut godliness with contentment is great gain For we broughtnothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it But if wehave food and clothing we will be content with that Those whowant to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into manyfoolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin anddestruction For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil Somepeople eager for money have wandered from the faith and piercedthemselves with many griefshellip
ldquoCommand those who are rich in this present world not to bearrogant nor to put their hope in wealth which is so uncertain butto put their hope in God who richly provides us with everything forour enjoyment Command them to do good to be rich in gooddeeds and to be generous and willing to share In this way they willlay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the comingage so that they may take hold of the life that is truly liferdquo
1 Timothy 63-19niv
55
Either-or (limited vision)
when he applied for work on the railroad in 1944 He was tooyoung Extreme conclusions told him it was useless to try againalthough the original dream never died
It is easy to look at William and think he could have tried hardernonetheless what about us Have we given up dreaming Are westaying in abusive relationships because we cannot see a way outHave we denied ourselves recovery because it seems impossibleDo we accept mental health struggles with an ldquooh wellrdquo shrug andbalk at seeking help
Do we worship the all-powerful all-knowing always-loving ldquoGodwith usrdquosup1sup3 or keep our distance for fear he will ruin our lives
Maybe we hide behind either-or too
Train tracks mechanically move at what are aptly called switchesRailyards have complex systems allowing engines with or withoutcars to completely reverse and travel the opposite direction
Either-or narrows ourvision to only two possiblechoices It leaves no spacefor fresh solutions Livingin this mindset isdepressive becausewhatever we want outsideof these limited options islocked out of consideration
William was turned down
56
What if God plans to conduct me through the impossible
What if his strength is enough for me to try something new
What if his wisdom will guide me safely away from repeated effortsthat have never worked and into freedom
What if I survive What if I can start over What if
Maryrsquos and Martharsquos brother Lazarus was severely illsup1⁴ Worriedthe sisters sent an urgent message to Jesus Please come
His reaction is still jolting
Lazarus died To many Jesusrsquo slowness did not look like concernenough
Martha ran to meet him as he arrived at town She said ldquoIf you hadonly been here my brother would not have diedrdquo
ldquoNow Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus Sowhen he heard that Lazarus was sick he stayed where hewas two more dayshelliprdquo (italics mine)
Switches are a massive undertaking andan engineering marvel
In what we may appropriately callanother marvel the Difference Makerwillingly switches at any time our one-track thoughts If we allow Godrsquospossibilities to override our either-orfaith asks a positive ldquowhat ifrdquo
57
Mary slumped at his feet tortured by the same thought ldquoLord ifyou had been herehelliprdquo Visitors who had come to grieve with Marthaand Mary mumbled ldquoHe could have saved Lazarusrsquo lifehelliprdquo
Deeply impassioned by the lack of faith around himsup1⁵ Jesuswalked to a small cave covered by a stone It was Lazarusrsquo graveldquoMove the stonerdquo he said
ldquoBut Lordrdquo said Martha ldquoBy this time there is a bad odor for hehas been there four daysrdquo
Lazarusrsquo sisters were stuck in either-or thinking partially due to thesociety in which they grew up Among the many false religiousteachings of their day it was believed that the soul left the bodypermanently after three days
The stone out of the way Jesus called in a loud voice ldquoLazaruscome outrdquo
Lazarus emerged from the dark caveinto daylight Jesus said ldquoTake offhis grave clothes and let him gordquo
No one had expected this No onedreamed that Jesusrsquo love includedthe inexplicable
No one had
expected
this
Four days after death meant no more hopefor miracles Either Jesus had come quicklyor it was too late Either Jesus had raisedLazarus a day earlier or it was impossibleeven for him
58
The disciples had heard him say earlier that Lazarus would live Hehad informed Martha also that Lazarus would be raised Yet thatwas not enough for them to understand and believesup1⁶
Jesus wept with Mary and Martha yearning to increase their faithHe was glad to see many of the witnesses finally set aside theirdoubts
The resurrection of Lazarus was significant for another reasonWhen powerful religious leaders heard about this miracle theirsomewhat paranoid ideas about Jesus and how many people wereturning to him increased They convened as a unit to plot Jesusrsquomurder not admitting they had no power to kill him outside ofGodrsquos timing
Ultimately by waiting to answer the sistersrsquo desperate plea thecompletion of Christ Jesusrsquo great mission took place voluntarilypaying the bloody price for our sins and coming back from deathThrough the experience of Lazarus he had left his followers withproof of his power to restore life no matter the odds
The death Lazarus endured was never in vain God who exists intimelessness knew precisely what everyone needed most They sawsuffering he saw the unfolding of his perfect plan They grieved theend of a life he rejoiced at the beginning of eternal life for all whowould trust in him completely
The Difference Makerworks miracles farbeyond either-or
59
60
A pass-or-fail train of thought is brutal Without mercy itdemands an accounting for every mistake Do not think it rewardswise choices No this train is on to the next opportunity to runover its victim Most often that is you
Olivetrsquos goal is to find a job in a new career Measuring her successby using a scale of 1-100 she gives herself a 30 for returning toschool as an older adult Finishing with an Associatersquos degree sheadds another 30 She finds it difficult to land a job Does this dropher back to zero
Pass-or-fail thinking takes such a punch and does not rise All thiseffort has been a waste of time
Mercy accepts realityrsquos middles Is stamina in Olivetrsquos job searchworth 20 She counts her successful steps Already she is at 80and not yet hired
Is anything more emotionallyself-punishing than to measureourselves against an impossiblestandard The psalmist wroteldquoEven perfection has itslimitshelliprdquosup1⁷
Pass-or-fail (merciless)
Unemployed Olivet might look like a loserto some Not to God ldquoPeople judge by theoutward appearance but the Lord looks atthe heartsup1⁸
61
One of Jesusrsquo closest friends Peter was an emotional man withgood intentions and quick impulses Words tended to leap from hismouth before careful thought
He opened his mouth one time too many Only hours before Jesuswas arrested on trumped-up charges Peter vowed his allegiancesaying ldquoEven if I have to die with you I will never deny yourdquosup1⁹
Jesus said ldquoPeter before morning by the time a rooster crowstwice you will have already denied me three timesrdquo
A crowd of men armed with swords and clubs took Jesus intocustody in the middle of the night His disciples scattered in fearPeter had enough courage to follow Jesus to the trial albeit fromfar behind He found himself hiding near a campfire with guardsand others who had been at the arrestsup2⁰
A servant girl recognized him ldquoYou were one of those with Jesusrdquo
Peter answered for all those around the fire to hear ldquoI donrsquot knowwhat yoursquore talking aboutrdquo
A rooster crowed in the background
As the rumor traveled people staredA voice spoke from the shadows ldquoHeis one of themrdquo
Panicking Peter said ldquoI swear I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Other bystanders confronted him
ldquoYou must be one of his followers Youraccent gives you awayrdquo
rooster crows Agonizing shame stabbed at his heart andbeleaguered his mind You will deny me three times before therooster crows twice Bolting from that place Peter wept bitterly
If life is a pass-fail test with God Peter failed At the mostimportant moment in history he crumbled That is not the end ofPeterrsquos story
Jesus was crucified Three days later after Jesus rose to life Peterraced with all his might to the grave to see if this report weretruesup2sup1 I imagine he had never dreamed of a second chance
Jesus showed himself to the disciples several times over the nextforty days One morning as he sat with seven of them Jesus saidto Peter ldquoDo you love me more than theserdquosup2sup2
American English is limited in that we use one word for loverelying on inflection and context to fill-in-the-blanks The ancientlanguages of the Bible were more specific Jesus was asking ldquoDoyou love me dearly more than these other disciples do Do youlove me now with total commitment and devotionrdquo
62
If life is a pass-
fail test with
God Peter
failed
ldquoA curse on me if Irsquom lying I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Immediately the rooster crowedagain
Before the rooster crows Before the
Having once said he would not deny Jesus even if everyone elsedid Peterrsquos pride was tested Understanding clearly that the Lordknew him better than he knew himself he may have been afraid toanswer Perhaps he doubted his capability to love like he had beencertain he could
He said ldquoYou know that I love You with a deep personal affectionas for a close friendrdquo
ldquoThen feed my lambsrdquo Jesus told him restoring Peter to hispreaching and teaching ministry
Jesus repeated the question ldquoSimon son of John (as Peter was alsoknown) do you love me dearly more than these others do withtotal commitment and devotionrdquo
Peter stood by his original friend-type answer
ldquoThen take care of my sheeprdquo
Suddenly Jesus changed his question ldquoPeter do you love me witha deep personal affection as for a close friendrdquo
It is almost as if Jesus were questioning Peterrsquos truth-telling but doyou really Perhaps this is how Peter heard it Still torn up byshame and self-doubt his reply was emphatic ldquoYou knoweverythingrdquo
Jesus assured him in a perplexing way ldquoWhen you grow old youwill stretch out your hands and arms and someone else will dressyou and carry you where you do not wish to gordquo
63
To Peter this dire news meant that he would one day be the manhe wanted to become Unafraid to love Jesus with his whole hearthe would stare martyrdom in the eye and courageously accept thecost of following the Messiah
One can almost feel the relief that swept over Peterrsquos body makinghis arms limp and body sag Although scripture does not tell us Iimagine Peter weeping again this time in gratitude and relief
Jesus said ldquoFollow merdquo
Three years earlier Jesus had called to Peter to follow him theoriginal language meaning ldquoCome hererdquo Peter had enthusiasticallybecome a believer and devotee Why say it again
This time the word follow was an invitation to walk the same pathJesus had walked Peter had a quality decision to make He wasforgiven and grace welcomed him back Would he accept
Later Peter faced the council that had condemned Jesus to die Thiswas said of him ldquoThe members of the council were amazed whenthey saw the boldness of Peterhelliprdquosup2sup3 Yes Peter accepted and so canwe Our failures or missteps do not determine our value
Paul reflected on why God houses his great power in humanbelievers calling us ldquofragile clay jarsrdquosup2⁴
Fragility with clay feet like Peterrsquos helps to keep us from theextreme conclusion that we are wiser than God becoming big-shotsforgetting that all good and perfect gifts are from the DifferenceMakersup2⁵ who loves us with an everlasting love
64
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord Irsquom standing at the crossroads
and looking asking for the ancient
paths asking where the good way is
so I can walk in it You promise it is
there that I will find rest for my soul
Guide me Lord Amen
Based on Jeremiah 616
66
Practical Exercise 5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
67
Keep
working
68
Next know when to say yes for a most-fulfilling life
Knowing what is of utmostimportance to you will helpprevent misdirected drive
1 Take time to list all yourcurrent obligations This willinclude family friends jobfinancial expenditures physicalhealth mental health spiritualgoals what God has asked ofyou and anything that youmust finish
2 Look realistically at theabove Is there anything thatdoes not fit within your daily
availability finances emotionalenergy or physical capabilities
3 Is there anything you canremove from this list Ask forGodrsquos wisdom
What remains are your yesses
With rare exceptions everythingelse is a no Each time you agreeto secondary activities expensesor obligations you are trading-in and saying no to something(or someone) you more highlyvalue
Making new
obligations
copyNancy Virden 2012
Popularity spending
more money
entertainmenthellip
6Hopelessness
Some thoughts No win is possible Nothing can improve These losses are too heavy with only more to come God
cannot stand me anymore My family is better off without me I am a burden Everyone else is happier I cannot
fight the pain anymore Irsquom done
True hopelessness has no sense of humor It is scary and
overbearing on each minute of the day It is not somewhat hopefullike when a possibility is unlikely it is devoid of any expectationsfor good now or in the future Abject hopelessness can be fatal
This fact drives the passion behind me and many ministries andservices trying to spread another message what seems like an endis a faccedilade fakery 0ptions are only hidden in the darkness hope isalways present even when we temporarily cannot see it
If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is call
Nothing in this book is to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care
US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis text line- Text ldquoHELLOrdquo to 741-741
For other international hotlines go here
If you are suicidal with a plan immediately call 911 in the US (112 in the
EU) or go to your nearest emergency room
69
The Real
I am a suicide attempt survivor One cannot climb out of that airlesspit without having learned new ways to breathe
Only a few days after leaving the hospital I attended the PartialHospitalization Program (PHP) suggested by my doctors There apotent weapon to use against suicidal thoughts came from anunlikely source
The scene was a small room intended for about fifteen peoplecrowded instead with twenty-five or more who were scrambling forchairs A few chatting voices exposed the general climate ldquoImheaded for rehab I just got back Im going to lose my job if Imiss any more workldquo
Most of us stared silently A single therapist managed to find spaceand called everyone to quiet
At his leading one by one people offered a number between 1-5rating the power of their suicidal thoughts Most chose 2 or 3 A fewof us with higher numbers were challenged to offer specific plansfor staying safe until the next day One man was sent back to thehospital
Then a woman spoke quietly A thought is just a thought I guesswe do not have to act on itldquo
I was stunned Her simple logic sounded profound to a braintangled in disorder and raging mood swings A thought ishellip only athought I tried to sort it out But how I feel now is how I willalways feelhellip
70
it differently but Iwill try to offer aglimpse into thatdark space
Alone in a pitch-black alley youcollapse to theground soundless
Unless you have been there it will be difficult to comprehend thegrueling emotions of a suicidal mindset Each person experiences
groans wrenching from deep within your torso
Thick briers and vipers pervade the trail that led you here Foryears you have navigated treacherous mountains of jagged rocksand falling boulders Your body is broken and bloodied
If you could or wanted to move the only way to continue yourjourney would be to grasp with ripped open hands the barbed wirefence by which you entered the alley place your torn feet on itsspikes and climb
Snarls in the blackness feel warm to your face A feral angry caninesnaps at you brushing your clothes with bared teeth Without fearyou sense it is a friend Its hungry jowls are only waiting for you todecide
As the only visible option outside of returning to the torture of whatcannot change the caninersquos guarantee is welcome hellip
Imagine then in that hopeless place hearing that the snarlingpromise is only a thought
71
The Difference Maker
It is the strangest thing When therapy started in 2011 I feltvulnerable like a toddler I could feel that inner child growing upto 6 10 then teen over the next months and years In my actualmid-fifties I declared my new 20 God gave me a chance toemotionally redo childhood safely this time while he re-parentedme with truth
What I had been so certain I could not live without never came tobe Some of the losses I feared have occurred Joy today comesfrom having rediscovered who our Creator intended me to becomePeace is from healing on the inside and finally having my hopewhere it belongs in the love of Jesus Christ
Pressure made it
nearly impossible
to breathe the
only air - leaking
from a cracked
sewer pipe
Marco was buried alive A wall of dirtand rock crashed over him forcinghis legs into a backward twist andlanding him head downwardPressure on his chest made it nearlyimpossible to breathe the only airavailable leaking from a crackedsewer pipe
The day passed as frantic rescueefforts continued Finally Marco waswhisked away to the nearest hospitalHe had been buried for eleven hours
Resulting physical disabilities make daily life challenging YetMarco has chosen contentment over bitterness Calm andcompassion have replaced old self-centered and impatient ways
72
The foundational extreme conclusion of hopelessness is thatnothing can change It may be true that our circumstances orrelationships will not change as we would like Perhaps it is we whocan change Maybe what we think we need for happiness is worthreconsidering
ldquoForget the former things do not dwell on the pastrdquo God saysldquoSee I am doing a new thing Now it springs up do you notperceive it I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in thewastelandsup1
My biggest leap toward a return to mental health was making awary deliberate decision to learn how to enjoy the life God gave tome Hope begins to appear when we choose to believe for it
The One who sees you
God loves you He cares about you He is not distant too busy ordistracted The LORD is close to the brokenheartedsup2 He whowatches over you will not slumbersup3
Hagar⁴ as an Egyptian slave pregnant and in a contentiousrelationship with the woman she served had run out of optionsShe ran away into the desert where the angel of the Lord met her
He said God was aware of her misery He promised she was havinga son who would be as free as a wild donkey⁴∙⁵ and the father ofmany nations
No doubt she carried deep longing for any future children to be freefrom slavery Reassured of her own future too she said ldquoYou arethe God who sees merdquo
73
As you walk secret trails through unwanted memories of shameand torment and you believe you are a waste of skin there isOne who knows you completely and loves
Overwhelmed in a desert of grief and questions seeing only moreloss in your tomorrows there is One who weeps with you whostands with you in broken-heartedness
He loves the child once so battered by other peoples sins He lovesthe adult in need of rescue from your own sins He sent his Son forboth and offers salvation and healing to each part of you
So when you believe there is no hope for change and everyonewill be better off without you there is One who sees hears knowsand loves
Go ahead ask him to meet you where you are He is the only Onewith the power to guide you through the next minute hour dayand year Reach out to Almighty God your Difference Maker
In your alley of hopelessness alonewhen fear of staying alive swampsyour mind and suicide seems theonly way out there is One who seesyou
Buried alive under mounds ofdespair and emptiness lying in thedark corner of a lifeless roomthere is One who hears your silentscreams and understands what youcannot speak
74
Dear child of God you are not failing him
which can come with depression From fellowship topersonal Bible study to a sense of Godrsquos love it was all missing
Of course at the time I had no idea of a physical cause for thisspiritual struggle It seemed my fault Abject lonelinesshopelessness a sense of worthlessness and guilt were what I knewPain Sorrow Torment Repeat
Occasional one-word whispered prayers lifted from my bed I criedfor what seemed like the absence of God
Then I saw Jesus There he stood in a mental picture a gift fromheaven He did not speak chase suffering away or take me to bewith him Unfelt he was only there with me in the dark I knewChrist Jesus never left
Relearning how to think resolving terrible situations physicalhealing of the brain these take a while God never walks away⁵His promises keep⁶ His love endures forever ⁷
Without a doubt the most significant lossand cause of grief as I struggled with severedepression was the inability to hear Godrsquosvoice I feared he would never speak to meagain that I had gone too far I feltspiritually dead
It was not true How can one be spirituallydead and care about it Typical experiencesaccompanying my Christian faith were outof reach due to cognitive and energy issuesand anxiety
75
1 Empathy2 Impulse Control3 Self-knowing Awareness
and Insight4 Fear Modulation5 Body Regulation6 Intuition7 Morality8 Emotion Regulation
1 Fear Processing2 Initiates the Fight Flight or
Freeze Response3 Emotional Learning4 Form Memories Related to
Intense Emotions Like Fear and Pleasure
5 Involved in Experiencing Anxiety
6 Reward ProcessingFigure 1
F U N C T I O N S
F U N C T I O N S
A few scientific facts (simplified so I can understand them) mayhelp clarify why spiritual vagueness might accompany depressionor anxiety
During an episode with depression the prefrontal cortex of ourbrain wrestles to varying degrees to function as normal Scans haveshown little activity there in a person with severe depressionResults may include impaired concentration confusion increasedimpulsivity mood swings heightened anxiety and a state offatigue
Our amygdala is also on overdrive so we are thrust into fightflight or freeze survival mode We may lose our ability to feelanything good
76
When a delivery is made to a wrong address everything in thepackage exists in full but is unavailable to the rightful owner Inthe same way while we are dealing with depression the advice torest in Godrsquos love know his joy and fill our minds with his peacelands at the wrong doorstep We have faith nevertheless there isno felt connection to him We do not experience God or lovingGod
With input running through this filter we may believe we arespiritual failures I am not good enough for God hersquos tired of meministry is over These thoughts are untrue and not how Godviews his dear children
Scripture shares testimonies of God meeting people at their pointsof need without chiding them Accounts of faith riding outdepression⁸ comfort after sorrow⁹ protection during panicsup1⁰good news calming anxietysup1sup1 and trust during hopelesssituationssup1sup2 are numerous In Elijahrsquos story alone we have abeautiful example of Godrsquos tenderness toward a deeply depressed
prophet who struggled with suicidal thoughtssup1sup3
your thoughts comings and goings motives and emotionssup1⁴ Heknows your complete story
Our Creator understands how the brain works Is God who notices
By restricting mental health challenges tothe realm of the spiritual or to the moralwe disregard the body and mind aspects ofour complete person
Look at your whole self as God does Hesees you and knows your name He knows
77
every sparrow that falls unaware of your confusionsup1⁵ Hispromises to turn all things out for our good and to grow our faiththrough trials do not imply quick work Be patient with yourselfOne day at a time as you are ready God will reveal what he wantsyou to know
If you cannot feel him while severely depressed he has not goneanywhere You are not failing the Difference Maker byexperiencing the painful emotion of hopelessness
God gives us people
Proverbs 1814-16 was written by King Solomon a champion ofseeking wise counsel It reads ldquoThe human spirit can endure insickness but a crushed spirit who can bear The heart of thediscerning acquires knowledge for the ears of the wise seek it outrdquo
Ultimately it is your and my responsibility to save our lives andescape hopelessness Like a child trying to lift a rock twice her sizewe are not using all our available strength if we do not turn to onewho is able to assist
The Difference Maker can lead us to people he has gifted withknowledge and talent to help us with our specific needs
Family and friendsExpectations for support from family and friends might be a let-down Each of us only knows his own despondency and joysup1⁶
Just as we cannot fully understand how others feel or experiencelife loved ones and friends who genuinely care for our wellbeingdo not always know what to say or do when we express hopelessness
78
It is vital we understand this Otherwise in a fragile state we mightmisperceive their unhelpfulness or distance as lack of love
In their great fear of losing you or normalcy or withunsubstantiated guilt for your despair significant others may reactangrily in a controlling fashion or defensively Your calmestfriends might resort to platitudes and examples of when they weredepressed once and got over it quickly
Forgive them Tell them what you need Ask for what you need Letthem make mistakes We cannot mindread and presume to knowtheir motives either
Mental healthcare professionals
Most of us go to a mechanic to havesomeone with skill fix our car We wouldnot stay long if they started knitting newparts There is nothing helpful to gainfrom opinions without experience or
insight either
79
ldquoWalk with the wise and become wiserdquosup1⁷ Professional mentalhealth caretakers are available almost everywhere whether onlineover the phone or in person Licensing means they have receivedthe necessary training for walking people through uniquechallenges that present with mental illness personality and otherdisorders trauma addiction and relationship dynamics
Two terms frequently confused are psychiatrist and psychologistPsychiatrists are medical doctors (MD or DO) Like all medicalspecialists it is their job to assess symptoms and prescribe a course
80
of action Psychiatrists rarely offer psychotherapy (talk therapy)Office visits are usually about 15 minutes They prescribemedication based on revealed symptoms
Psychologists generally are talk therapists with a doctorate inpsychology (PsyDPhD) Sessions with clients typically run 50-60minutes These sessions may vary in style based on any givendoctorrsquos preferred approach Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)has statistically proven more effective for depression and anxietythan other therapy methods
Licensed therapists may practice within specialties such as traumaor addiction Common abbreviations you may have seen includeLMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist LPC (LicensedProfessional Counselor) LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)There are also LPAs (Licensed Psychological Associates) LifeCoach and Peer Support certificates do not include the advancedtraining required for most therapists unless the individual hassought those degrees as well
Christian counselors and pastorspriestsSome believers insist they must see a Christian counselor Thereare of course different perspectives to this
DW leads a ministry for pastors in need of mental health servicesHe said ldquoI would rather people see [a non-believer therapist] whoknows what he is doing than a Christian who does notrdquo
The titles Christian Counselor or Pastoral Counselor are not anautomatic assumption of extensive training Not everyone isequipped to use the Bible effectively for psychiatric or behavioralhealth issues
81
Because a woman advertised herself as a Christian counselor Iwent to see her Within three weeks I realized her version of faithwas the humanistic concept of a christ-within We are our ownsaviors and deity according to her No that is idolatry notauthentic Christian faith which acknowledges One God one Savior
Except for a single time I have sought licensed mental healthprofessionals who follow Jesus A secular psychiatrist was patientwith my faith until I mentioned hearing from God Then shethought I had lost touch with reality
Both the christ-within counselor and the psychiatrist were limitedbecause they could not understand the most important part of howI think Godrsquos Word is my guide honoring God is my highest goaland listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit is imperative
Your story is not over
Her tattoo seemed meaningless Whywould anyone want a semi-colon onher upper arm Years later I wear asemi-colon ring
As a punctuation mark the semi-colonis placed where a sentence could endbut the author decides to continue Forsuicide attempt survivors around theworld it is a symbol of choosing to liveout onersquos story after wanting to closethe book
Semi-colon commodities are shows of solidarity of hope and for
82
some a reminder We are making our stories known so you toowill realize that hopelessness does not define your futureRegardless of what you may feel hear us Your story is not over Itis time for a new chapter
Godrsquos plan for you
is not done
he has
much to show you
I am glad you are
alive God feels
that way about you
too
We found out it is
true our
lives are
not futile
Dear supports
Job (pronounced jobe) lived about 4000 years ago His story ispreserved in the Bible book titled with his namesup1⁸ Jobrsquosprosperity comfort and high standing role as judge and advisorwere unmatched
In one day Job lost about a third of his farm animals thousands ofthem to robbery and the rest about 7000 to fire Most of hisfarm hands were murdered by the robbers and his shepherds diedin the fire Only three men survived to tell Job what hadhappened
While Job reeled from this disastrous news a fourth man ran up
ldquoMasterrdquo the servant said ldquoyour sonrsquos house collapsed underpowerful winds All ten of your children were inside IhellipI am theonly survivorrdquo
Job sunk to the ground in a daze As was befitting such sadness inhis culture he shaved his head tore his clothes and sat in ashes
Soon he developed from head to toe a ldquoburning ulcerationrdquo of hisskin This illness commonly translated in the plural as boils issingular in the original Hebrew language in which it was recordedMost likely black leprosy swollen open sores turned all his skinblack and crusty until it eventually fell off Job scratched at intenseitching with a broken piece of pottery
His bones deteriorated Nightmares invaded his sleep Hestruggled to eat becoming gaunt and weak ldquoJust curse God anddierdquo his wife said in her own grief
83
People who used to look up to him now mocked him Young peopledared spit in his face The disease was contagious and incurable inJobrsquos time so even his servant responded only when Job begged Hewas humiliated and lonely
Stripped of everything three supports still managed to add to hissuffering
Jobrsquos friends came to visit as soon as they heard the news Shockedthey barely recognized him For seven days and nights they offeredthe kind of support we long for when feeling hopeless In silencethey sat nearby his suffering too great for words
Job spoke first Anguish poured from the pit in his belly Hequestioned the value of his life wondering why he had ever beenborn and why God would not let him die now
ldquoWhat I always feared has happened to me I have no rest onlytrouble comesrdquo he said
Immediately one agitated friend accused him of foolish talkdismissing his emotions as irrelevant compared to propriety
Each piled on
84
ldquoYou sound like a blustering windrdquo
ldquoListen God is doubtless punishing yourdquo
ldquoYour children must have sinned against him so their punishmentwas well deserved toordquo
Invalidation and judgment swallowed compassion whole Theycontinued their drivel ldquoWho are you to question Godrsquos wisdomYou need to be quiet and listen to us If you would only admit yoursin life would be happy againrdquo
In a cruel twist these arguments forced the one who was sufferingto defend his pain Instead of helping or comforting his friendsdragged fragile Job across the burning sands of rejectionfrustration and emotional abandonment
Dear supports learn from these men They were sorely wrong andGod said sosup1⁹
Why platitudes do not helpThe Great Physician and Counselor Jesus Christ heals with thethread of his Word He reaches for the darkest wounds in a humansoul and stitches them precisely and accurately one at a timeThere in the recesses the Word of God is counsel and lightsup2⁰
Three least helpful responses to someone feeling depressed orhopeless are anger and demand absence and fake cheeriness orplatitudes
Sharon inherited her childhood home and immediately tore downthe wall her mother used to bang her head against as a child
85
86
How can telling Sharon to forgive her mother take root if shame isall she has known Help her tear down the reminder wall first thenshe can stop staring at it and listen
Edward carries a full water bottle everywhere to subtly remindhimself he is not drowning when flashbacks threaten to send himinto a panic Why would the advice to have more faith encouragehim when he has never felt safe Give him water bottles first Asfear subsides he will hear the glad message
Aiesha carries a list of affirmations to read when her dadrsquosparalyzing voice creeps into her thoughts telling her she isworthless What will she do with promises of an identity in Christwhen she does not know what an identity is Fill Aiesharsquos emptylove tank first then her functioning heart can learn to see thedaughter God saw as he created her
Supports dare not try to rush the healing process by makingsomeone feel small and inadequate at feeling better Let us notdismiss the Difference Makerrsquos tender provision of patience andtiming
He has the wisdom and means to retrain a crippled thoughtprocess and belief system Meticulously and gently he cleans outand sews up layers of hurt and unhelpful thinking at a speed eachof his children can handle
Warning signs of suicide
From NIMHnihgovThe behaviors listed below may be signs that someone is thinkingabout suicide If these warning signs apply to you or someone youknow get help as soon as possible particularly if the behavior is newor has increased recently
Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill themselves Talking about feeling empty hopeless or having no reason to live Planning or looking for a way to kill themselves such as searching
for lethal methods online stockpiling pills or buying a gun Talking about great guilt or shame Showing despair or suicidal themes in original artwork or music Talking about feeling trapped or that there are no solutions Feeling unbearable pain (emotional pain or physical pain) Talking about being a burden to others Using alcohol or drugs more often Acting anxious or agitated Withdrawing from family and friends Changing eating andor sleeping habits Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge Taking great risks that could lead to death Displaying extreme mood swings from very sad to very calm
happy Giving away important possessions Saying goodbye to friends and family Putting affairs in order making a will
If you support a loved one or friend who struggles withhopelessness it is important to access resources andinformation Be prepared to support them well Gohere and here
87
Prayer to the Difference Maker
For the glory of your name
O Lord preserve my life
Because of your faithfulness
bring me out of this distress
Amen
Psalm 14311
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have the energy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeutic Even baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make your own
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that
Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list
Play music
Set the table
Take a shower
Sit with the family
Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today
Go for a walk with a person or your dog
Eat a healthy meal
Attend participate in a support group
Paint a picture or put a puzzle together
Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor
Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Practical Exercise 6 Live a little
89
Next allow hope
Think about your values as a guide Write downwhat is important to you and keep the list whereyou can see it Each day after you have a choicestick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
Lower your stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
For more ideas visit stress management here
90
Consider climbing these next few steps bottom to top in your search for professional help
If you are in crisis now do not wait Call 911 immediately or go toyour nearest emergency room
5 Feel free to switch You are doing
the hiring Find help not more confusion
1 Pray Ask the Difference Maker
to lead you to the right person Keep
praying even after you are in
sessions
4 Interview therapists Be specific
about what you need Ask a support to
do the interviewing for you if you are
not strong enough
3 Get recommendations for
therapists and doctors if possible
from believers of Jesus who have
received professional help Go here for
a reference page
2 Do not use stigma to
determine what method
of treatment will work
for you Listen to those
in-the-know
91
Envy secretly resents those who have what she wants Hence shecannot reflect the image of God who already owns everything Hehas no reason to envy
7Jealousy and Envy
Some thoughts Why canrsquot I have the family he does She has a dream job must be nice Hersquos had all the advantages I want my co-workerrsquos car Itrsquos not fair I want my wife here with me Who are these ldquofriendsrdquo he keeps talking about
Jealousy and Envy are notidentical Envy is the quiet sisterwhose eyes flit back and forthnever satisfied with who she isor what she has Hungry for theelusive she does not rememberher own blessings Her pursuitof happiness in a thing personor achievement focuses only onthe future
Twin sisters Jealousy and Envy are destructive to our
wellbeing They are intrusive obnoxious and interfere with ourpeace We do well to run the other way when we see these siblingscoming
92
The sister Jealousy robs people and atmospheres of joy Forinstance she might mumble ldquomust be nicerdquo if the object of herjealousy tries to share a happy story She complains bitterly
Jealousy acts possessively when someone she claims to loverefuses her control She makes threats and seeks vengeance Oftensuspicious energized by insecurity jealousy is nicknamed agreen-eyed monster for good reason
The Lord said this about himself ldquoDo not worship any othergod for the LORD whose name is Jealous is a jealous Godrdquosup1 Theword jealous in this verse in the original written language refersonly to God There is no resemblance to human jealousy which isseverely flawed
Godrsquos jealousy is holy He is jealous for us (not of us) because wegive our devotion to things that offer no hope He is not in a rivalryover our souls because he has no rival He is not jealous of anothergod because he is the Only True God He simply wants his people
to honor him to stay in the relationship
Unfortunately jealousy in the human form is unproductiveAccording to James ldquoWhere jealousy and selfish ambition existthere will be disorder and every vile practiceldquosup2 King Solomon alsowarned ldquoA heart at peace gives life to the body but envy rots thebonesldquosup3
Run for your life from the sisters
People are lost in the peripheral when we zero in on what theyhave Are we more drawn to the bling in a home or to the personwho invited us there
93
HumilityThe word humble means to dismiss self-reliance and become fully-dependent on God according to the original written language ofthe New Testament
Joe burned with anger so deep he thought it would kill him Hecried out to God for vengeance and relief from the cause of hispain The Holy Spirit nudged him toward humble willingnessFinally Joe prayed ldquoLord change merdquo
Do we hear what someone is saying or plot how to sound smarter
Are we glad for the friend who has what we want or do we sit backin bitterness
Jealousy and Envy isolate us emotionally keeping us too busycomparing to care Unable to give love fully we cannot receive it
either
Humility Willingness and Love are the Difference Makerrsquosbouncers ready to prevent thoughts of jealousy and envy fromovershadowing our joy
Like Joe humility takes responsibilityfor onersquos heart and refrains fromcasting blame everywhere else Joe washappy to discover his anger gonewithin a few days replaced by mercy
Humility gives us that freedom toexamine ourselves unafraid to setdenial aside Self-protection cannot
94
95
compare to Godrsquos great love Once aware of our need for mercy and his forgiveness we can offer it to others
Paul challenged his readers ldquoIn your relationships with oneanother have the same mindset as Christ Jesus Who being invery nature God did not consider equality with God something tobe used to his own advantage rather he made himself nothing bytaking the very nature of a servant being made in human likenessAnd being found in appearance as a man he humbled himself bybecoming obedient to death mdash even death on a crossrdquo⁴
Willingness is slippery It can be emotional and reactionaryreluctant and resigned or surrendered and devoted Willingness isproven by action
A man had two sons He went to the first and said ldquoSon go andwork today in the vineyardrdquo
ldquoI will notrdquo the boy answered Nonetheless he soon changed hismind and obeyed his father
The man went to his second son and requested he go to thevineyard to work This boy answered ldquoI will sirrdquo and never went
Jesus told the above parable⁵ to challenge stuffy holier-than-thoureligious leaders whose claims to know God were at odds with theirunacceptance of Godrsquos Son They were like the boy who said yesand did not follow through
Meanwhile societyrsquos unreligious outcasts were coming to JesusLike the first son they changed their minds and began doing whatthe heavenly Father asks of us
Love is described best in what many call The Love Chapter⁷ in theBible We learn first that love is kind Love celebrates with thosewho are glad and aches alongside people who are in sorrow⁸
We will never find the selfish sisters Jealousy and Envy trulysharing in a personrsquos joy Instead they smile and squeak out tersecongratulations while sincere love stands proud of theaccomplishments and blessings of others unafraid of their success
Neither do the sisters grieve for the sake of anotherrsquos heart Inworst case scenarios jealousy and envy are glad when people whoseem to have better lives suffer
Continuing with the definition of love we see it does not envy orboast it is not proud God said ldquoLet not the wise boast of theirwisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast oftheir riches but let the one who boasts boast about this that theyhave the understanding to know me that I am the LORD who
Thankfully the Difference Maker is working to change us from theinside-out to grow our willingness so we can join him in his goodpurposes⁶
96
exercises kindness justice and righteousness on earth for in theseI delightrdquo⁹
Love is not rude It respectfully honors others instead of focusing onselfish ambition Love always protects so gossip and assumptionsare not part of our conversations
Love is patient not easily angered It is not delighted with thefailings and miseries of people who do wrong so it does not compilebitter records Instead love trusts and hopes
Trust and hope are not the same as denial and duplicity Lovecelebrates all truth even uneasy truth Love perseveres but doesnot enable addiction abuse or other sins Real love is tough
Too often the term love is equated with sex or a temporary high ofdelight ldquoIf you love me yoursquoll sleep with merdquo is manipulative as isldquoif you make me happy I will love yourdquo These sentiments areproud dishonoring self-seeking unkind and unprotective
Love built on what is given to us or how someone makes us feelhas no foundation and teeters on whether we tire of the gifts andhow soon those warm fuzzy feelings wear off The love of God is notdependent on superficial beauty or favors His love never fails
Jesus said ldquoDo not love the world or anything in the world Ifanyone loves the world love for the Father is not in them Foreverything in the worldmdashthe lust of the flesh the lust of theeyes and the pride of lifemdashcomes not from the Father but from theworldrdquosup1⁰
Take those eyes off the world
97
Humility of attitude willingness to act and sincere love do notstare at what only might be
Picture a lawn overrun by weeds1 Humility realizes the lawn is not so beautiful and no bragging
rights are appropriate2 Willingness pulls the weeds3 It is love that kills the weedsrsquo roots and plants fresh seed
When those weeds growing in our thoughts are jealousy and envythe same principle applies
and lift toward heaven in gratitude for what God has so generouslygiven
Paul admitted ldquoAt one time we too were foolish disobedientdeceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures Welived in malice and envy being hated and hating one another Butwhen the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared he savedus not because of righteous things we had done but because of hismercyrdquosup1sup1
We have much for which to be thankful Gratitude is our escapefrom the sisters
The purveyor of love whose verynature is love the Difference Makerfills us with his perfect brand of loveWe lose the need to control or pursuepersons to drag love out of resistantrelationships or to chase after whatwe think might please us next Oureyes turn from what we do not have
98
100
Prayer to theDifference Maker
Thank You Jesus because you
died for everyone so that we
who receive your new life will
no longer live for ourselves I
want to be one who lives for
You Christ Jesus because You
died and were raised for me
Based on 2 Corinthians 15
100
Example Thought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social event learnto be a good friend Reach out to her in kindness
Do something of value to earn respect speak kindwords to and about him work on honest ways toimprove your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thank Godthose people are comfortable and not hungry orcold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to go outwith your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
Practical Exercise 7 Act Opposite
To keep jealousy and envy from overtaking your relationship withGod and thought life act opposite of how you feel Disappointmenttriggers jealous and envious thoughts What step can you take in theopposite direction
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Next do the amazing
What if you did something so shocking itamazes even you What if you went socounter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things
If you will do it this challenge will shake your world and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it more orto a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarranted criticismit is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of running woulda-if-onlyon a loop how about making the situation into a game
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
These ideas are radical Will you try
101
8Destructive Blame
Some thoughts My childhood was dysfunctional so I cannot succeed If it werent for so-n-
so I would be happy right now You make the decisions-it is your fault if I do not like them People make me lose my temper I will not trust God because church-goers
are hypocrites
Some thoughts My neighborrsquos dog bit me itrsquos my fault for
leaving the house My marriage might have worked if Irsquod done everything better My boss threw a clipboard
because I am a disappointment I should have been a better child and I would
not have been abused
Now we have met the sisters let me introduce the Destructive
brothers Blame and his other brother Blame These two arefishermen with strange styles
Blame 1 is a confused fishermanwho seems to miss the pointCasting generous portions ofblame in every direction it doesnot matter to him where itlands He does not fish with ahook It is not his intention tocatch anything that might endup back in his boat
102
Blame 1 had a difficult past and it is fair to empathize with thatHowever he will not review options He refuses to accept his powerto change His style of fishing is best described as cast cast andcast
Blame 2 is quirkier still He owns a boat but it is so full of catchesthat it will no longer float So he swims grabs what he can anddrags it back to shore
Trouble is he does not catch healthy fish but rather the blame hisbrother is doling out Blame 2 collects it stores it and never castsany of it away His style of fishing is collect whatever floats
Blame 2 has also had a tough life It is appropriate to care about hispains However like his brother Blame 1 he is not very open tochange
While toxic shame does not let go of mistakes destructive blame isabout shifting responsibility
Casting Blame
Casting blame transfers responsibility anywhere except on personalpoor choices This is frequently blatantly obvious
A man questioned a tax consultant about concerns related to his2020 stimulus check from the government He had left his first wifeand children and started a new family Where was his secondcheck ldquoDoesnrsquot the President know I have another family to careforrdquo
The tax consultantrsquos reply was crisp ldquoYou alone are responsiblehelliprdquo
103
Tam came to town for a funeral and claimed to be low on cash Wewere strangers and seeing her plight I invited her stay in myhome for two to three days One week later with a days-longheadache and nerves already jumping over the edge I dropped heroff at the airport
Decades ago she had moved several states away from her familyOn her first visit in years she screamed obscenities at them overher phone for hours a day This was only a few feet from my homeoffice hence the headache She spread lies among her relatives tome to a mutual friend and to my pastor
What I heard was her avoiding responsibility Casting blame feelsgood in the moment because it instantly relieves shame andaccountability It is not sustainable
Casting blame
is an efficient
means of
skipping
guard duty
over onersquos
wellbeing
One reason casting blame is depressive isthat the blamer must work harder andharder at rationalizing or denyingpersonal mistakes and wrongdoingsDepression perhaps is no surprise when apattern of bold-face lying becomes tooheavy a load
Blame conveniently pushes the burden ofchange elsewhere A blamer can rest inthe familiarity of pain although it is theirchief complaint In this way castingblame is an efficient means of skippingguard duty over onersquos wellbeing
104
ldquoFools make fun of guilthelliprdquo King Solomon wrotesup1 John explains
ldquoIf we claim we have no sin we are only fooling ourselvesrdquosup2
Waiting for the world to adjust to our wishes shields us fromseeing flaws in our attitude and behavior This is what blame doesform a blinder around our minds until we are barely free tounderstand the truth
Like Blame 1 cannot leave his boat casting blame keeps us stuck
Blaming GodHigh School senior Jarrad sees himself as a class clownconsistently and excessively talking throughout his classes both in-person and online until everyone is laughing His online teachers
try muting him and he resorts to physical antics
With his screen darkened toother students Jarrad texts themduring class Finally theprincipal steps in with a warningstop it or earn suspension
Jarradrsquos behavior does notimprove One month later hereturns to class with moredisruptive hilarity often at theexpense of teachers
His parents are aware and havedealt with their son However they work all day and Jarrad shrugsoff their discipline Expulsion is the last resort What other optionsremain for the school
105
Jarradrsquos refusal to change his rebellious ways eventually bringsabout his separation from those who try to help The schoolsystem teachers principal and Jarradrsquos parents have notabandoned him While leaders give him multiple opportunities tomaintain his education Jarrad will not have it
God does not throw us away either We have the power to detachfrom him and his influence at great personal cost Our insistence onrebellion weakens the relationship and eventually separates usfrom him Our sins hide his face so that he will not hearsup3
All too often ldquoa personrsquos own foolishness leads to their ruin yettheir heart rages against the Lordrdquo said Solomon⁴ Blaming Godfor difficulties resulting from our poor decisions is futile⁵ Ourungodly desires (thoughts) entice and drag us into sinful acts If weallow sin to blossom and grow large in our life it gives birth todeath⁶ Relationships occupations reputations opportunities andlives are at risk
God disciplines us for our good⁷ Like a child who learned in theprincipalrsquos office not to throw an eraser at her teacher a secondtime (excuse me while I clear my throat) if it takes hardship to getour attention he will allow it This kind of pain is a blessingbecause in his patience he never stops calling us or loving us backto life Solomon wrote ldquoDo not be upset when he corrects you Forthe LORD corrects those he lovesrdquo⁸
Our choices affect other peopleJarradrsquos regular interruptions slow classes down affect theauthority of teachers and frustrate serious students His expulsionis in part for the sake of everyone elsersquos education
106
Godrsquos hand of discipline on our heads may be for the protectionand blessing of other people too Rebellion hurts our parentsrsquofeelings⁹ Acts of foolishness harm societysup1⁰
The commandments to not commit adultery murder steal andthe restsup1sup1 are summed up in ldquoLove your neighbor as yourselfrdquosup1sup2
Love does no harmsup1sup3
Our choices affect our blessingsIf I pray for you to be blessed I am asking God to show you hisdivine favor Blessed is often equated with happiness contentmentor joy
Jarrad is missing out on a good education that we all know wouldgrant him more options in the future In a similar way we take apass on the greatest blessings from heaven by choosing to focus ontemporary feel-good moments Selfishness never fulfills us
The Bible says ldquoBlessed are thosehelliprdquo bull who are poor in spirit (devoid of spiritual arrogance)bull who grievebull who are gentlebull who hunger and thirst for integrity purity and rightness of
thinkingbull who are mercifulbull who are the peacemakersbull who are persecuted for righteousness sakesup1⁴bull who are kind to the poorsup1⁵bull who are not offended by Jesussup1⁶bull whose disobedience is forgivenbull whose lives are lived in complete honestysup1⁷bull whose hope is in the Lord their Godsup1⁸
107
Our choices affect spiritual productivity and growthJesus compared himself to a grapevine God the Father to agardener and us to branches God prunes that is trims backspiritually healthy branches so they will produce even morespiritually healthy fruitsup1⁹
Sometimes this process stings although there is no fear ofcondemnationsup2⁰ God is developing in us in increasing measurehis loving practicessup2sup1
Like a tree or grapevine what we produce will prove our natureWe know Jarrad is not exemplifying personal honor or concern forothers If he allows God to change his thinking he will still struggleto win back peoplersquos trust and supportsup2sup2
Goodness
Trutha tree of life
saving lives
Patience
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Testimony
Spiritually healthy fruitsup2sup3
108
Our choices affect our eternal reward
The Olympics were a big deal in ancient Greece where they firstorganized the competition Winners received crowns made fromplants Of course these shriveled up quickly
Paul spoke of a crown that will notwither Comparing the games and victorycrowns to a spiritual race he said ldquoTheydo it to win a prize that will fade awaybut we do it for an eternal prizerdquosup2⁴
The crown of life is the reward that Godhas promised to those who love himsup2⁵Paul says ldquoI press on to reach the end
of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God throughChrist Jesus is calling usrdquosup2⁶
Bearing in mind all the self-destructive choices we make why dowe blame the Difference Maker when life does not meet ourexpectations
Collecting misdirected blame
Straight up let us admit that innumerable circumstances andconsequences causing our suffering are the fault of others Thisincludes terrible acts people commit against us and how we feelemotionally or physically at that moment
We develop false guilt by accepting accountability for events out ofour control Once an adult what we choose to take in is up to usWe are not helpless
109
A tyrannical boss catches every one of his personal assistantrsquosmistakes and invents a few too He enjoys verbally abusing Mari byberating and mocking her in front of other employees He does nothave to accept responsibility for his decisions gone wrong becauseof his convenient scape goat
Facing this each day creates an atmosphere in which Mari begins toquestion herself Maybe I am clumsy and nit-witted I did notremember to fetch the folder he demanded I misspelled a clientrsquosname
Often misdirected blame is dotted with just enough truth to makeit difficult to weed out
Mari did make a mistake TrueShe has made more than one mistake TrueShe is accused of other mistakes TrueShe is responsible for anything beyond her actual mistakes FalseShe blames herself for her bossrsquos discomfort This is false guilt
AbuseAbuse is taking advantage of someone who is physicallyemotionally psychologically intellectually or in some way unableto stop the abuse In Marirsquos case at first she is unable to stop theverbal abuse because she would lose her job
A woman like Mari who is beginning to believe she is worthy ofharsh reprimand needs some psychological support to recognizethe manipulative lies of her boss She is too full of self-doubt tomeaningfully stand up for herself
Every form of abuse is about power and control Abusers blame lie
110
111
and manipulate to gain and maintain control over their target Asconsummate actors their public appearance is misleading Ifcaught or accused they know how to cry or they cry because theyare not getting their way In religious settings they know thelanguage of the faith and will use it to sound repentant Apologiesare unspecific unless they parrot the accuser
HumiliationPutting down your partner Calling your partner names Constant criticisms Making your partner feel like they are crazy or guilty Humiliating your partner in front of people Embarrassing your partner
Power and
Control
IntimidationYelling or screaming Using a threatening tone Talking down Threatening to hurt yourself or your partner Making your partner feel afraid Tearing up pictures Smashing gifts Destroying objects Slamming doors Throwing things
Treating your partner like a baby
property or servant Making all of the decisions
Having expectations that no one can meet Controlling who
your partner sees or spends time with Setting all the rules in the
relationship
Domination ThreatsSaying you cannotlive with your partner Telling your partner you will leave them somewhere if they do not do what you say Constantly threatening to find someone else Saying yoursquoll commit suicide of you break up
Sexual Abuse
Bragging about your sexual relationship
Making comparisons Flirting to make your partner
jealous Using drugsalcohol to get sex Pressuring your partner
Using emotional abuse to coerce sex Rape
Physical AbuseHolding your partner so they cannot
leave Slamming them intosomething Hiding your partnerrsquos
bruises Grabbing Slapping Hitting Shoving Punching
Kicking Poisoning Drugging
Minimization and Blame
Possessiveness Using jealousy as a sign
of love Accusing your partner of cheating on you Not letting your partner have other friends
Telling your partner how to think dress and act
Not accepting responsibility for your actions Making a
joke when you hurt your partner Telling or showing
your partner everything is their fault Acting like
abuse is ok in the relationship
Every form of
abuse is about
power and
controlhellip Abusers
make their
decision to abuse
Period
In this secret climate misdirected blame is part of the abuse Thespoken or unspoken threat is that the target will look like a liar ifthe truth comes out
Sadly it happens This is one of many complicated reasons targetsmay not leave their abusers soon or at all
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation go to thislist to find help
Make true and empowering statements
Create personal statements Examples
A I cannot control what other people choose to say or do It is notmy job to fix every circumstance
112
Abuse is always yes always thefault full responsibility and sin ofthe abuser
Gross misrepresentations of anabuse victimrsquos role are spoken inignorance He should have foughtback She wasnrsquot dressed rightHe pushed her buttons She wasnagging him He should have metcurfew She shouldnrsquot havemouthed off
Abusers make their decision toabuse Period
B I refuse to carry blame for the crime committed against me ormy family Only the criminal did wrong I did what I was capable ofdoing in the moment which is the best anyone can do in anysituation
C I will not take on the burden of guilt for my friendrsquos addiction Icannot save or fix her No one can She is responsible for seekinghelp and not just begging me for money or a place to stay
D I do not accept the abusers lies that I brought on the abuse Iwill not hate the child or victim-adult I once was for allowing whatI had no power to stop
Whether casting blame or collecting misdirected blame the optionto reach out for fresh perspective and guidance from the DifferenceMaker is always available
The brothers Blame never consider this
And a-fishinrsquo they go
113
Proverbs 205
Prayer to the Difference Maker
The purposes of a personrsquos heart
are deep waters
but one who has insight
draws them out
Please Lord I need your insight
to draw out my motives and
the deep injuries of my soul
so I can understand and change
Based on Proverbs 205
Practical Exercise 8 Find harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time to
study their companion and without criticism show appreciation forthe good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God for whatyou have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blame payattention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize everyone including yourself hasmade mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive as much asGod has forgiven you
This Or This
115
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stoppinganother person (we have no controlover them) Boundaries are about whatwe allow into our circle
Do the following exercise then createyour own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo
4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leave responsibilityfor his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for the consequences oflosing them
What about a situation in your life
Next draw a circle around yourself
116
9Perceived
Dependency Some thoughts If no one pushes me I cannot succeed He says he loves me after he hits me and I cannot be without
him This has been a tough day already I need a drink Irsquoll feel happy only if this job interview goes my way His
approval keeps me going Shersquoll leave if I do not stay sick
Dear Creeper
You are my perceived dependency You have toyed withme since I was young I played the game of hide andseek innocently believing you and the powerful forcesthat drove me to you were normal and right I did notunderstand you are a creeper
Your presence seemed a kind gift an experience forwhich I was grateful Slow and sure you built a templefor yourself in my brain
One day I witnessed the ruin of another of yourconfused devotees and began to fear you Confidencegrew in my power to go on alone Nonetheless yourcajoling stirred memories of when we first met andsoon your promises of the hour defeated caution
I
cared
only
for
how
you
made
me
feel
117
Your lies were soft and comfortable Eventually I believedeverything you offered for my protection No one could persuademe you were not my best friend
Remember how I used to panic when you were not in sightVigorous denial kept me from seeing what was happening I caredonly for how you made me feel
Oh but I see you now my enemy Perceived Dependency youhave never been a friend Joining hands with you in my destructionwas a game of Russian Roulette with unpredictable consequences
So-called dependency was but another deception I could have beenfree To be honest until now you have been my choice I amchanging my mind
You see there is someone real taking your place He is theDifference Maker the Highest Power who is always for me andnever against me
I could say itrsquos not you itrsquos me but this breakndashup is all aboutrunning away from you and into the arms of God
Goodbye from Not-Your-Victim
Co-dependent
Eating Disordered
Money-hungry
Etcetera
Defeatist
118
Stone and wood statues all over the world are praised and offeredgifts to appease whatever god they represent That is literal idolworship Jesus expanded the concept to include anything thatstands between us and full devotion to the One True God An idolthen is anything or anyone we think we cannot live without otherthan God
Perceived dependencies are our masters Not only are they a typeof idol but they are also futile No person can meet all our needsNo substance satisfies for long Compulsions heap unhappyconsequences on an already stressful life Obsessions overrulegood judgment Yet we obey them when they call
Perceived dependency unloads barrels of disappointment on thehuman spirit We create mental scenarios of rescue and if onlydelusions Who will make me happy What will bring relief Weare completely at the mercy of our perceived dependencies unlesswe take our power back
A perceived dependency is theact of giving our power freely toan outside force that once givensuch authority becomes ourmaster source motivation andexcuse
Nothing is easy about aperceived dependency NothingDay to day life is complicated bymaneuvers around the belief thatwhat we need most is missing
Our masters
119
Evie lives in denial As a heroin addict her behaviors are morepredictable than she is aware She is a sweet daughter and lovingmother when sober When she is using everyone runs for coverHer language is vile and abusive She tries to manipulate herdaughter for money
Only one year ago Evie graduated from long-term residentialtreatment She held down a job and visited with her youngchildren She did not separate herself from old companions andsadly relapse came as no surprise to her hopeful and wary familyEvie sacrifices for her obsession all that makes life worth livingcausing great pain in her wake
Evie and Tony
Tonyrsquos longing for love and overwhelming fear of rejection haswelded his self-made cage shut He leans heavily on his wife toreassure him with constant agreement Opposing opinionsthreaten his sense of security so he never asks for her realthoughts
His perceived dependency is the submission of his wife and otherswhile he takes no emotional risks It is clear in this scenario Tonysold his personal power at the cost of true love His wife is captivealso if she plays by his rules
The sad chaos of Eviersquos and Tonyrsquos lives is whythe words of the prophet Isaiah make senseHe said we feed on ashes by looking to an idolto meet our needs A deluded heart misleadsus To our detriment we fail to question ldquoIsnot this thing in my right hand a lierdquosup1
120
Then there is Rhona
Lifting her head from the toilet and sinking to the all too familiarfloor Rhona knew her eating disorder owned her and could endher life She was desperate for freedom
Someone introduced her to a 12-step program of recoveryThough a meeting was an hour away Rhona determinedly andfaithfully traveled to join-in Older members supported herthrough tears and triumph Eventually she had her life back
She does not consider herself free to eat whatever she wantsInstead she is free to choose carefully what will keep her healthyNo longer do certain foods send her spiraling because she avoidsthem completely She will carry safe foods with her to familygatherings and other events
Rhona is not a compulsive dieter her choices are a matter of lifeand death Thirty years later after entering recovery she stillattends meetings
Dr Rhona Epstein became one of the very few experts in foodaddiction and serves as a psychologist helping as many as she canHer book Food Triggers is beneficial to any one of us whostruggle with compulsive behaviors around food
Any willingness to be open to a spiritual
solution is a start -Dr Epstein
121
My son finally convinced me to watchthe Marvel series All of it I havelearned that imaginary superheroesstruggle to learn how and when to usetheir power
Decision-making is not so simple for useither Opting to break away from aperceived dependency is not asstraightforward as Captain Americatossing his shield at a villain andknocking him flat
Yes God has graciously created us with the remarkable power ofchoice Why do we so often risk its loss
It is doable Remember intent does not mean instant success Thefirst step each day is the main one
Have you survived difficult challenges If yes why not againHave other people recovered Why not you
Superpower
Each of us is gifted with a superpower Do the following fivequotes by Jesus reveal it to you
ldquoIf you wanthelliprdquo sup1∙⁵ldquoAnyone who chooseshelliprdquo sup2 ldquohellipif you do not believehelliprdquo sup3ldquoIf you hold to my teachinghelliprdquo ⁴ldquohellipyou were not willingrdquo⁵
122
Relapse
The difference between Evie Tony and Rhona is that Rhonalearned to wield her power of choice in her favor Ask anyone withbroken chains freedom requires complete honesty support andconnection to strength greater than ours
Some say relapse is inevitable No but it is common We return toold destructive habits when we have not permanently structuredour goals around something more meaningful I relapsed with myeating disorder with a long list of excuses My health coachreminds me to see recovery as an investment in what I want toachieve
Ultimately it is finding and living in purpose that brings joy Withwhat will we fill your lives so our obsessions no longer have roomin our heads
Surrender
I mentioned to a woman with a secular belief system that it is aprivilege to be used by God Her negative reaction makes sensebecause my word choice ldquoused byrdquo was skewed
It is fairer to say I am one of Godrsquos volunteers among many Noneof us have had our will removed By faith and experience we knowhis ways are best The more we grasp that the more we want to dofor him Herersquos the clincher we love him because he loves us Yesit is a privilege and source of joy when the Difference Maker worksthrough us to help others in some way
Surrender comes with the understanding that God has more than
123
single personrsquos best interests in mind In that regard he asks usto extend his mercy love and truth when we might rather sit athome in comfort
Should we say yes we will find he is working everything out forour good too In his will (as discussed in chapter 2) weexperience deep satisfaction As always the Difference Makerrsquosapproach is more profound and effective than the worldrsquos wisestphilosophies⁵∙⁵
The complete Serenity Prayer famous for the shortened versionused in 12-step groups points to such surrender
God grant me the SerenityTo accept the things I cannot changeCourage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the differenceLiving one day at a time
Enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardship
As the pathway to peaceTaking as He did
This sinful world as it is Not as I would have itTrusting that He will Make all things right
If I surrender to His willThat I may be
Reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him
In the next Amen
124
125
But God
Accounts throughout the Bible of Gods interactions with humansprove he is the Highest Power At the end of their resourcespeople saw God change everything
The entire earth flooded But God remembered Noah ⁶
Jacobrsquos boss cheated him ldquoBut God has seen your abuserdquo ⁷
Josephrsquos brothers sold him ldquohellipbut God intended it for goodrdquo ⁸
King Saul hunted him down hellipbut God [helped him escape]⁹
People tried to kill Paul But God has protected me sup1⁰
Epaphroditus was ill and almost died But God had mercy onhimsup1sup1
Jesus was nailed to a cross But God raised him from the dead sup1sup2
We are lost for eternity But God demonstrates his own lovehellipsup1sup3
Apostles hadhellip fears within ldquoBut Godhellip comforted usrdquosup1⁴
Helplessness is not always a fact it is a belief Through JeremiahGod said ldquoIf you wanted to return to me you could You couldthrow away your detestable idols andstray away no morerdquosup1⁵ He knowshow much power is available to us ifwe will ask
126
Surrender to the will of God is ultimately the cure to compulsiveaddictive behaviors That does not mean it is easy nor does itguarantee no relapses Jesus said ldquoIt is not the healthy who needa doctor but the sickldquosup1⁶ He is our healer perhaps we do well tofollow his prescription
Let us remember together whatever condition we are in howeverdeeply we are stuck in perceived dependency we do not actuallyneed the person activity substance or compulsion we are focusedon to survive or thrive Our dependence is but a perception Wecan depend on and trust the Highest Power
Whom have I in heaven but youAnd earth has nothing I desire besides you
My flesh and my heart may failbut God is the strength of my heart
and my portion foreversup1⁷
ldquoBut Godhelliprdquo
Recommended
The Life Recovery Bible is special It is the Holy Bible in its entirety with sidebars relating specific scriptures to
recovery These address emotional issues trauma support and much more In addition the Life Recovery
Journal takes the reader through the 12-step process
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Please keep me from deliberate
sins Donrsquot let them control me
Then I will be free of guilt and
innocent of great sin
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you O LORD my
Rock and my Redeemer
Psalm 1913-14
128
128
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsessionTake this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a
dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
Practical Exercise 9 Now What
Spell it out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write outall it has stolen and what freedom will bring This is about you notcasting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praise andgratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is to a realGod who will not only see what you write but who knows your heart
Write a letter (or letters) to yourperceived dependency Do not mail it ifit is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Rome isdirectly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them I highlyurge you to take it in
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
129
Next find a strong
support system
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over time whois healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability to hold yourconfidences Watch them with other people Choose friends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who have seen yourstruggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
130
10Fear
Fear leads to depressive thinking when we give it authority Fear
develops under a threat real or perceived to our wellbeing or thewellbeing of another person
As a mere emotion fear is not a sign of weak character nor does itsignal failure of faith The bravest people are those who feel fearand face it even in small ways Courage is measured by genuineeffort not success or the size of payout Baby steps toward facing
or overcoming any fear are indeed applaudable steps
Some thoughts I promised to attend the meeting but since Irsquoll make a fool of myself Irsquom not going There is no way to know if I can stay safe I do not like people different from me Things are going to get worse Irsquom sure he hates me
131
Not every courageous person looks like one
Examples of couragebull Elderly people venturing out despite impatient drivers and
ridiculous younger people talking down to thembull Children returning to the same school each day where they are
taunted or bulliedbull Families of faith around the world persecuted by authoritiesbull People in suicidal despair reconnecting with living
bull Those living with disabilitybull Those going to work with anxiety migraines fatiguehellipbull Women who leave abusive homes and often face judgmentbull The caretaker of elderly parentsAnd the inspirational list goes onhellip
Facing fear is a choice that mimics the life of our Saviorsup1 Heloved (far) beyond his comfort zone The author of Hebrewswrote rdquoConsider him who endured such opposition from sinnersso that you will not grow weary and lose heartrdquosup2
132
God chooses unlikely heroes
Abigail⁵ was beautiful and intelligent Marriedwhether by choice or arrangement we do not knowher role was to manage her wealthy household withits many servants and obligations serve herhusband Nabal and presumably have his children
Nabal wise in his own eyes and not in many otherswell lived up to his name which meant fool Filledwith greed his harsh demeanor in business and athome proved his self-centeredness No doubt heenjoyed his meanness and the fear of those aroundhim
He
adds
ldquoI am
with
yourdquo
and
stays
God does not whip out a chill ldquodonrsquot be afraidrdquo anddisappearsup3 He adds ldquoI am with yourdquo⁴ and staysBrave people learn from their less-than-bravemistakes (we have all done them) With him at ourside we move forward following the DifferenceMakerrsquos plan for overcoming fear
In those days (about 1100 BC) sheep and goats were money andoften stolen Soon to be king warrior David was on the run fromhis insanely jealous father-in-law King Saul David and his armyof six-hundred men earned what they needed to survive byprotecting the livestock of various towns and farms
It was customary and expected for wealthy landowners to offerprovisions to such protectors Nonetheless when David sent themessage to Nabal ldquoPlease give your servants whatever you canfind for themrdquo only insults were returned
David was ready to end such insolence and with 400 armed menheaded for Nabalrsquos home to kill him and all the males who livedthere
A shepherd ran to Abigail to report this He said ldquoNabal is such awicked man that no one can talk to him Please do what you canrdquo
133
Abigail quickly loaded donkeyswith meat bread wine grainraisins and pressed figs Servantsdelivered them to David
Going against her churlishhusbandrsquos wishes certainly wouldhave brought down his wrath hadshe been caught She risked her
life by confronting angry warriors intent on revenge
David responded to her pleas for mercy thanking her He saidldquoPraise be to the LORD the God of Israel who has sent you today
134
to meet me May you be blessed for your good judgment and forkeeping me from bloodshed this dayrdquo
As an unlikely hero Abigail saved an unknown number of livesThe brave shepherd who informed her shared in the heroism Thenext day when she told Nabal of the drama his heart failed himand he died
God specializes in choosing unlikely people for courageous deedsA few examples among many include an orphan girl-turned queenwho saved her nation (Book of Esther) a child who spoke hardtruth to power (1 Samuel 3) a young slave girl who approached aprincess (Exodus 21-10) and uneducated fishermen who broughtthe gospel to the world though they lost their lives over it(Matthew 418-22)
Despite initial misgivings these people had to decide what kind ofperson they wanted to be One way to face our fears is to answerthe same question
Consider the life and mission of each of the following people Howdo you think they answered the question What kind of person do Iwant to be
Will I risk everything Hee Jinrsquos Grandmother in North KoreaWill I choose life Nick VujicicWill I hold out Irena SendlerWill I let go Elisabeth ElliotWho do I want to face in the mirror tomorrow Dobri DobrevHow will I respond to my greatest regret Victoria RobinsonWill my legacy point to life Jason ReidWill my example set a helpful precedent Marie Meggs
135
Will I believe what I cannot yet see Jo Ann RobinsonWill I keep my eyes on things of Heaven instead of on things ofearth Jessie TendayiWill I come back to God and ask for help when I fail miserablyJim Wahlberg
ldquoWe are having a physical experience in a spiritual worldrdquo ndash Author unknown
Satan distorts and disrupts the truth in attempts to steer us fromGod Human experience is a catalyst for such trickery becausewhat we see and feel seems more real than an invisible God Is heinconceivable though
His power is evidenced in nature⁶ His love has redeemedcountless lives Millions testify to his personal presence We seeGodrsquos promises always come to pass whether spoken throughprophets or other scriptures⁷ We witness his sovereigntythroughout history
Stout faith lets go of control and chooses to obey the proven Godwho shows himself real only to those with the spiritual eyes tosee⁸ In his wisdom he made it impossible for science or
The Difference Maker offers safety in his shelter
philosophy to prove his existence to closedminds⁹ Although faith is not blind it is notsight eithersup1⁰ Faith is the evidence of whatwe do not seesup1sup1
Godrsquos shelter unlike an umbrella or a treenever fails
Towers in fortressed cities ofbiblical times provided safetywhen enemies attacked In ourspiritual battles Godrsquos shelter isthe hiding place
The key is to stay there Psalm 91says to live in his shelter - spendour time there Then he hides usin his shadow as if we were in atower of refuge
This Psalm also tells us what wedo not have to fear
1 Satanrsquos bait setting plot trap (The fowlerrsquos snare)
2 Pandemic disease (Deadly pestilence)3 Dread and the object of dread (Terror of night)4 Seemingly random attacks or dangers coming from
all around deeply personal attacks (Arrows fly by day)5 Disease pandemic that walks about in trouble and in
spiritual unreceptiveness (Pestilence stalking in the dark)6 Destruction coming from violence and devastation in
the middle of the day or in the bright of happiness(Plague that destroys at midday)
7 Wicked people (Lion)8 The Devil (Serpent)
In distress of any kind he rescues us or arms us for the battleWhat is left to fear If God is for us who can be against ussup1sup2
136
We still want to hide from time to time Aloneness is notintrinsically unhealthy Jesus taught But when you prayhellipshutthe door behind youhellipsup1sup3
It is the fear that locks us in that paralyzes the life we wantRemember the Difference Maker sets us up with everything weneed for faith courage and victory In all circumstances we candeclare as King Solomon did ldquoThe name of the LORD is a fortifiedtower the righteous run to it and are saferdquosup1⁴
ldquoFinally be strong in the Lord and in hismighty power Put on the full armor ofGodhelliprdquosup1⁵
Paul used a symbolic reference thepeople of his day would haveunderstood the armor of a Romansoldier Comparing physical war tospiritual ones he first describes whywearing Godrsquos armor is necessary
One our struggle is not against peoplebut against the devil and his spiritualforces of evil Two when we are harassedfor our faith we will resist and standsup1⁶
Wearing Godrsquos armor is a decision wemake each day in faith bearing in mindthe vital meaning of each piece
The Difference Maker offers safety in his armor
137
The Belt of Truth ldquoStand firm then with the beltof truth buckled around your waistrdquo The belt of aRoman soldierrsquos armor was more like a girdle andheld up the breastplate
What is truth Jesus said ldquoIf you hold to myteaching you are really my disciples Then you willknow the truth and the truth will set you freerdquosup1⁷Absolute truth does not change and awareness of itprotects us from lies that cause fear
The Breastplate of Righteousness ldquohellipwith thebreastplate of righteousness in placerdquo The Romansoldierrsquos breastplate held in place only once it wasupheld by the belt
What is righteousness Thinking and acting inways that honor God based on his instructionsthese are righteousness However no human effortalone measures up to Godrsquos holiness
Truth upholds our righteousness as it grows in alife with Christ His righteousness leads our wayinto Godrsquos favor There is no fear of punishment ifour faith is sincerely in the Saviorsup1⁸
Feet Fitted with Readiness ldquohellipand with yourfeet fitted with the readiness that comes from thegospel of peacerdquo Spikes covered the bottom ofRoman soldiersrsquo footwear for climbing over roughterrain and for digging into the earth keepingthem steadfast in hand-to-hand combat
138
What is the gospel of peace and how does it make us ready Thegospel is the good news of Jesus the Messiahsup1⁹ While we arealive there is work to finish Readiness to carry this gospel toothers is part of our victory over fear sup2⁰
Shield of Faith ldquoIn addition to all this take upthe shield of faith with which you can extinguishall the flaming arrows of the evil onerdquo A Romansoldier carried a large oblong four-corneredshield covering much of his body
What is faith It is more than believing in GodEven demons believe in God and shuddersup2sup1Faith is pure trust and confidence that Godmeans what he sayssup2sup2
Jesus said faith is like a tiny mustard seed whichbecomes the largest tree in the gardensup2sup3Pastors teachers the Holy Spirit and personalstudy water and feed the seed Nurturing ourfaith is our responsibility that in time surpassesfear
Helmet of Salvation ldquoTake the helmet ofsalvationrdquo Roman soldiers wore a unique helmetprotecting the top and sides of their head Somehelmets also protected the back of the neck
What is salvation Not only is it rescue from awasted life in the present and an erasure ofeternal damnation but the helmet is also theanticipation of the day we are ushered into
139
heavensup2⁴ Keeping our eyes on the reward this helmet protects
us from turning from the faith due to discouragement doubtand fear
a spectacular display of arrogance and deception The battle ofwords was close-up personal and relentless Each time the devilused his wiles the Son of God expertly wielded his swordsup2⁵
In the heat of temptation aimed straight at our weakest pointsskill at using Godrsquos Word boosts our triumph over fear sup2⁶
Prayer ldquoAnd pray in the Spirit on alloccasions with all kinds of prayers and requestsrdquoRoman soldiers needed supplies stamina andfood and water
What is prayer Jesus gave an examplesup2⁷ thatgoes something like this ldquoOur Father in heavenlet your name be treated with reverence Let your
Sword of the Spirit ldquohellipand the sword of theSpirit which is the word of Godrdquo Roman soldierspossessed three sharp weapons a dagger-sized shortsword a spear and a long sword Paul used the shortsword for his comparison to the Word of God
Why a small weapon Satan tempted Jesus in
kingdom come let your will be done on earth as it is in heavenGive us this day our bread for tomorrow and forgive us ourdebts as we also have forgiven our debtors Lead us not intotemptation but deliver us from the evil one for yours is thekingdom and the power and the glory forever Amenrdquo
140
This prayer acknowledges God makes various requests yields to his will and in faith believes all is possible because he is God
and wear his armor daily we will stand with the brave who say Itis scary out there and the Difference Maker goes with me
Godrsquos armor is not intended as a shell to crawlinside Neither is his shelter a place to isolatefrom the world
Fear is fed by our focus When the daycomes that we learn to rest in Godrsquos shelter
141
Prayer to the Difference Maker
When I am hard pressed I cry
to you Lord You bring me into
a spacious place You Lord are
with me I will not be afraid
Based on Psalm 1185-6
143
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in yourpocket Feel it when anxieties and otherpressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
Practical Exercise 10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions andimpulsive thoughts or prevents them fromrising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can behelpful to avoid anxiety attacks or panic orto use during anxiety and panic attacks
143
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing reminders thathe is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics will inspireyou God Will Make a Way
By a roadway in the wilderness Hell lead meAnd rivers in the desert will I seeHeaven and Earth will fade But His word will still remainAnd He will do something new todayGod will make a wayWhere there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot seeHe will make a way for meHe will be my guideHold me closely to His sideWith love and strength for each new dayHe will make a way He will make a way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in apublic place with little opportunity to walk awaypractice sign language or write the names of peopleyou care about in the air discreetly below your waistFiddle with anything that requires your full attentionlike word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worrylater Keep a notebook and pen handy Thenext time anxiety is triggered or could bewrite the concern down and lay it aside Set adate or time to address the issue perhapswith a safe person
144
Next Retrain your thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
145
Now may the God of peace
who through the blood of the
eternal covenant brought back
from the dead our Lord Jesus that
great Shepherd of the sheep equip
you with everything good for doing
his will and may he work in
us what is pleasing to
him through Jesus Christ to
whom be glory for ever and ever
Amen
APPENDIX
147
Terms page 148
A Word About Medication page 149
Bible References page 152
Photos and Other Credits page 155
Collection of Chapter Exercises plus BONUS Exercises page 159
Blank Pages for Notes page 182
Terms - Links
BibleGodrsquos Word
Christ Jesus Christ Christ Jesus
Christian
The Difference Maker= God
Faith
Fear of God
Holy
Jesus
Original languages used to write the Bible
Types of mental health professionals
Repentance
Resurrection
Righteousness
Sin
Trinity
148
An ongoing debate in faith arenas over the use of medications for
mental health particularly depression and anxiety leavesconfusion in its wake Myths about this type of medical therapyabound
Myth 1 Medications cover up spiritual problems Thesedrugs do not create happiness They cannot force introspectionrelief from guilt or wisdom on a person any more than insulinprevents someone with diabetes from eating a candy bar
If behaviors and circumstances that helped to create a mentalhealth need do not change the problem may persist No pill willcorrect poor thinking permanently erase memories of trauma endabuse or change a sinful heart
Medications prepare a brain to function as intended Once stablethe patient can choose to learn wisdom and pursue God or not
Myth 2 Mental illness is a myth No All mental illnesses aredisorders In other words something is wrong with a personrsquosability to function normally due to mental processing Medicationis often necessary to save a life Many chronicled symptoms giveprofessionals an excellent idea of how to diagnose mental illness
Everyone experiences down days massive grief and even
149
A Word About Medication
depressive thoughts It becomes a disorder when a person cannotfunction normally keep healthy relationships or overcome theseemotions
Myth 3 All psychiatrists do is throw pills at youPsychiatrists are medical doctors and specialists It is their job toprescribe medication based on revealed symptoms Appointmentsare typically about 15 minutes Very few offer talk therapy (whereaspsychologists generally do)
A psychiatrist may recommend hospitalization or insist a clientmove to a higher level of care such as to an IOP (IntensiveOutpatient Program) These are professional therapeutic programsthat occur throughout the week in half or full days
Myth 4 Psychiatric medications do not work It is true
150
sometimes they do not Six reasons for this have nothing to dowith the medications themselves
A A patient does not take the medication as prescribed or isnoncompliant and refuses itB A patient refuses recommended co-treatments such as talktherapyC The patient quits too soon Unfortunately it may take weeksand even months to discover the one that works best for aspecific person Dosages may also need readjustmentsD The patient is unable to convey symptoms clearlyPrescriptions based on incomplete information will likely be lesseffectiveE Affordability lack of insurance parity interference fromfamily members and more may disrupt proper treatmentcreating any of the above issues
ldquoJesus is the only one with perfect brain chemistry and nopsychological issues Every other human has somepsychological dysfunctionhellipPsychological Science is simplyunderstanding how God designed our mind to work and thenlearning how to maximally steward our mind for His glory andour fulfillment in Himrdquo
F Misdiagnosis by a doctor This is especially a problem whennon-psychiatric doctors prescribe psychiatric medications
Myth 5 Medications hurt people Safety may be compromisedif medication is not taken as prescribed The wrong medication toocan adversely affect a person Rumors about how often this occursare exaggerated
For most people a combination of medication and talk therapy hasproven most effective For those who receive professionaltreatment 80 go on to live more satisfying lives
If medication corrects brain dysfunction and allows one to developa richer life with Christ (and it has for me) then using medicationis good stewardship of onersquos capabilities Some takeaways from themission statement of Lighthouse Network agree
151
For a deeper look at therapy and medicationsfrom a Christian point of view go to Is It Ok for aChristian to Take Anti-depressants
Chapter
1 The Difference Maker
2 Self-doubt
3 Toxic Shame
4 Self=loathing
Bible References
152
sup1Exodus 1414 sup2Matthew 1128-29 sup3Romans 122 ⁴James 117 ⁵1 John 15 ⁶John 87⁷Romans 623 ⁸2 Thessalonians 17-10 ⁹Ephesians 24-9 NIVsup1⁰Romans 810-18 sup1sup1Psalm 2911 sup1sup2Ephesians 3 14-19
sup1Proverbs 46 -7 sup1∙⁵2 Samuel 111-1225 sup2Psalm 139 23-24sup31 Kings 39 ⁴ Hebrews 511-14niv ⁵Psalm 328niv⁶2 Timothy 316 ⁷2 Peter 120-21 ⁸2 Timothy 316-17niv⁹Mark 1224 sup1⁰1 Corinthians 1433nkjv sup1sup1Hebrews 116sup1sup2 2 Corinthians 317-18 sup1sup3Matthew 633 sup1⁴James15-7sup1⁵Psalm 4610 sup1⁶Deuteronomy 323-4 sup1⁷Exodus 314
sup1Genesis 127 sup2Psalm 84-6 sup3Isaiah 558 ⁴James 39-11 ⁵Ephesians 210 ⁶Psalm 13913⁷2 Corinthians 517 ⁸ Lamentations 322-23 ⁹1 John 31
sup1⁰James 223 sup1sup1 John 1515 sup1sup2Psalm 2710sup1sup3John 10 27-30 sup1⁴2 Corinthians 128-10
sup1Luke 2342-44 sup2 Psalms 34 sup3Micah 718-19 ⁴ Ephesians 317-19 ⁵Psalm 10311-12 ⁶ Psalm 4421⁷Psalm 10314 ⁸ Proverbs 37-8 ⁹Matthew 523-24sup1⁰Luke 2334 sup1sup1Acts 759-60 sup1sup1∙⁵Acts 81sup1sup2Acts 83 sup1sup3 Acts 2022-24 sup1⁴ Philippians 35-14 sup1⁵Psalm 345 sup1⁶2 Corinthians 1314
sup1Exodus 341014 sup2James 316 sup3Proverbs 1430 ⁴Philippians 23-11 ⁵Matthew 2128-32 ⁶Philippians 212-14⁷1 Corinthians 134-8niv ⁸Romans 1215 ⁹Jeremiah 923-25sup1⁰1 John 215-16 sup1sup1Titus 33-5
Chapter
5 Extreme Conclusions
6 Hopeless
7 Jealousy and Envy
153
sup1Matthew 71 sup2Matthew 2537-40 sup3Luke 311⁴Matthew 547niv ⁵Matthew 543-44 ⁶Matthew 712⁷Luke 1030-37 ⁸Numbers 1911-16niv and Leviticus 211-4 10-12niv⁹ 1 Corinthians 1312 sup1⁰Matthew 73-5 sup1⁰∙⁵Luke 1135-36sup1sup1Matthew 1916-26 sup1sup2Matthew 624 sup1sup3Isaiah 714sup1⁴John 11sup1⁵ Verses 4 23 Throughout his ministry people had trouble giving up old beliefs andfully grasping what Jesus was saying In John 11 we see him telling his disciples thatLazarusrsquo illness will not result in death that this situation will bring glory to God (likethe healing of the man born blind which they witnessed John 9) He informs Martha thatLazarus will be raised by him (In the original language the word used when he saysldquoLazarus will liverdquo means raised from a lying down position- raised from the dead)
sup1⁶ Verses 3328 Some traditional versions say Jesus was deeply moved or troubled
Jesus was agitated or angry wanting to instruct everyone and perhaps restrain thefaithless talk around him He waited and instead allowed his prayer and the results tospeak for themselvessup1⁷Psalm 11996 sup1⁸1 Samuel 167 sup1⁹ Mark 1427-31sup2⁰ Mark 14 66-72 sup2sup1John 201-10 sup2sup2 John 211-19sup2sup3Acts 413 sup2⁴2 Corinthians 47 sup2⁵James 116-18
sup1Isaiah 4318-19 niv sup2Psalm 3418 sup3Psalm 1213⁴Genesis 1611-13 ⁴∙⁵ Job 395-8 ⁵Nehemiah 919-20⁶Psalm 119140 ⁷Psalm 1361-3 ⁸Psalm 1437-8⁹Ruth 11-22 and 413-17 sup1⁰Psalm 3121-23 sup1sup12 Corinthians 75-7sup1sup22 Kings 1819 sup1sup31 Kings 1819 sup1⁴Psalm 1391-12sup1⁵Matthew 1029 sup1⁶Proverbs 1410 sup1⁷Proverbs 1320sup1⁸ Book of Job sup1⁹Job 427-9 sup2⁰Psalm 119130
sup1Proverbs 149-10 sup21 John 18 sup3 Isaiah 59 1 2
⁴ Proverbs 193 ⁵James 113 ⁶James 114-15
⁷ Hebrews 1210 ⁸Proverbs 311-12 ⁹Proverbs 1721
sup1⁰ Proverbs 2210 sup1sup1Exodus 201-17 sup1sup2Mark 1228-31
sup1sup3Romans 139-10niv sup1⁴Matthew 53-10 sup1⁵Psalm 411
sup1⁶Matthew 116 ESV sup1⁷Psalm 321-2 sup1⁸Psalm 1465sup1⁹John 151-5 sup2⁰ Romans 81 sup2sup12 Peter 13-9sup2sup2Proverbs 1130
sup2sup3Ephesians 51-20 Galatians 522-23 Proverbs 1031
sup2⁴1 Corinthians 924-25 sup2⁵James 112 sup2⁶Philippians 314
154
Chapter
8 Destructive Blame
9 Perceived Dependency
sup1 Isaiah 4420 sup1∙⁵ Matthew 1921nlt sup2 John 717sup3 John 824 ⁴ John 831-32 ⁵Matthew 2337⁵∙⁵1 Corinthians 120 ⁶Genesis 81 ⁷Genesis 3142⁸Genesis 5020 ⁹1 Samuel 2314 sup1⁰Acts 2622sup1sup1Philippians 227 sup1sup2Acts 224niv sup1sup3Romans 58nivsup1⁴2 Corinthians 75-7niv sup1⁵Jeremiah 41 sup1⁶Mark 217sup1⁷Psalm 7325-26niv
10 Fear
sup1Hebrews 122 sup2Hebrews 123 sup3Matthew 281-10 ⁴Matthew 2820 ⁵1 Samuel 251-38 ⁶ Romans 120 ⁷1 Kings 856-57 ⁸1 Corinthians 210-16 ⁹1 Corinthians 121sup1⁰2 Corinthians 57 sup1sup1Hebrews 111 sup1sup2Romans 831sup1sup3Matthew 66 sup1⁴ Proverbs 1810 sup1⁵Ephesians 61011sup1⁶Ephesians 611-13 sup1⁷ John 831-32 sup1⁸Romans 81-16sup1⁹Ephesians 51 sup2⁰ 2 Corinthians 518-19 sup2sup1James 219sup2sup2Romans 1017 sup2sup3 Matthew 1331-32sup2⁴1 Thessalonians 58-9 sup2⁵Matthew 41-11 sup2⁶Hebrews 512-14 sup2⁷Matthew 69-13
Chapter
1
2
3
4
Photos and Other Credits
Face in the mirror page 40 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped Artist page 44 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Church page 28 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJames Ryan quote page 31 from The National Association for Christian Recovery Four Kinds of Moral Inventory httpswwwnacrorgcenter-for-12-step-recoveryfour-kinds-of-moral-inventoryGirl praying page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NDcropped and manipulatedWriting hand page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredOxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes page 32httpsindianriveraaorgPDFTHE20FOUR20ABSOLUTESpdfScottish Proverb page 32 Confession Is Good For The Soul - Christian Devotions for Daily Living - DevotionscomCross page 32 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped
155
Man with net page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC rock overlaidRock page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCGirl page 14 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Billy Graham quote page 16 from Video Billy Graham httpswwwfacebookcomryanthompson100videos10158050555419605UzpfSTEyOTE4OTc5NDU6MTAyMTY5MTQzNDAwMzI3MTkFlame page 17 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC manipulated Jar page 26 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND
Chapter
5
6
156
Train page 49 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredTrain page 50 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredWounded man scene page 52 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND cropped recolored manipulatedCamel page 54 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYSAAbout Sadducee beliefs page 54 Camels Needles and the Question of Money retrieved on November 5 2020 from httpsallofitagainwordpresscom20170518camels-needles-and-the-question-of-money-colinTrain page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYN recoloredCurved path page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recoloredLazarusrsquo feet page 58 freebibleimagescomTrain tracks page 59 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCrecoloredTrain page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredExam paper page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredRooster page 61 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Jesus page 74 freebibleimagescomArahant Mental Wellness page 76 Treating Depression with TMS Aimed at the Brainrsquos Prefrontal Cortex httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortex Healthline page 76 The Effects of Depression on the Brain What Is Depression httpswwwhealthlinecomhealthdepressioneffects-brainHow-Can-Treatment-Change-the-Brain Figure 1 Page 76 httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortexEric W Dolan page 76 In depressed people the medial prefrontal cortex exerts more control over other parts of the brain Psypostcom Mental Health June 19 2017 httpswwwpsypostorg201706depressed-people-medial-prefrontal-cortex-exerts-control-parts-brainSemicolon tattoo page 81 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredProject Semicolon page 81 httpswwwfacebookcomprojectsemicolonMug page 82 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDrecolored
Jealousy and envy sisters page 92 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped manipulated recoloredHeart page 94 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredJesus and man page 96 freebibleimagescom recoloredWeeds page 98 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recolored
Necklace page 82 from httpswwwamazoncomproject-semicolon-jewelrysk=project+semicolon+jewelryPage 83 Black leprosy also called elephantiasis because the skin begins to look like elephant skin Jobs Disease By Louis Rushmorehttpswwwgospelgazettecomgazette2005janpage15htmJob and friends page 84 freeBibleimagescomGirl and woman page 86 This Photo by Unknown Author licensed under CC BY-NDWarning Signs of Suicide page 87 httpswwwnimhnihgovhealthtopicssuicide-preventionindexshtmlpart_153177Stairs page 91 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped and manipulated recolored
Chapter
6 continued
7
8
157
Boater and swimmer page 102 These Photos by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recolored ndash 2 pictures together both under same license Greek Olympics page 109 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredPower and Control Wheel page 111 from httpswwwtheagapecafecomFishing pole page 113 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredCouples page 115 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDand This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Chapter
9
10
158
Girl page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC cropped recoloredFloating money page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCrecolored croppedDice page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY 20 recolored croppedAshes page 120 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJesus and people page 122 freeBibleimagescomCaptain American cover page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredCaptain America Shield page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredSerenity Prayer photo page 124 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYCartoon man with weights page 125 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredSupport Group scene page 130 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND cropped recolored
Donkey page 133 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAUmbrella Woman page 135 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCWoman in shadows page 136 freeBibleimagescomArmor page 137This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCBreastplate page 138This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDBelt page 138 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDShield page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAHelmet page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCSword page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCPraying hands page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDTurtle page 141 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCLeaf page 143 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCRubiks cube page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SACalendar page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC
Collection of the Chapter Exercises
Plus Bonus Exercises
159
1 Make the Thought Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use anap even though a minute earlier you were not tired This is atype of thought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bedthe visual automatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom whereand why of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take thetime to complete the following exercise (for each thought habit)and you will be surprised at the worthwhile outcome
1 What consistent triggering event and response doyou experience
________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
_________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
160
3 What is your thought-habit
_____________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_____________________________________________(Example l feel content)
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchange your triggerrsquosassociation from gloomy to what generally rightens your mood
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with things you love move thebed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularly for foot rubs sayingprayers or texting jokes to your friends
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of the space with openblinds worship music or a self-starting coffee maker (Avoidtexts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
_________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
161
7 What action will you take next time this triggeringevent occurs
________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts Episodes ofdepression anxiety or other mental health challenges may followa pattern or cycle
BONUS EXERCISE Exchange News and Social Media for Books and Face-to-face Conversation
A sense of aloneness and anxiety might come from a lack of eye-to-eye contact and conversation and an overload of news reports
Especially before going to bed turn off all the negativity and pickup a good book During the day make plans with a friend to visitover coffee even if you must be socially distanced
Do this for two weeks and you will feel the results
2 Use Pros and Cons for Good Judgment
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible orask a mature follower of Christ to see if there is already ananswer given Step three Be brutally honest with all the pros andcons of your options
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
162
Remember Who Has All the Answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottle wherever it will catch somelight Keep it open and have slips of paper and pen available
Write down your unanswered questions doubts about yourselfand any other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside the jar is a great problemsurrounded by shadows and light By faith we can accept that wedo not see all or have all the answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimes shoot out of your jar Thisrepresents the endless wisdom and love of God to which we caneach cling Somehow good is going to come of what we do notunderstand
163
BONUS EXERCISE Sleep Hygiene for a Healthy BrainFrom adaaorg
bullKeep a regular sleep schedule Go to bed around the same timeeach nightbullDo not eat a heavy late mealbullWatch TV in a room other than your bedroombullTurn the TV off 30 minutes before bedtimebullPut down the electronics 30 minutes before bedtime The screeneven on dim mode can still be stimulating to the brain via theeyes
3 Examine the Evidence for Shame
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes to one of thequestions on the left you have a newday in the court of your mind Checkout the corresponding links on theright
164
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Secure Your Release From Toxic Shame
165
BONUS EXERCISE Incorporate Self-care
From successcom
Self-care is different for each person Examples of self-careinclude making a healthy smoothie before work going for a longwalk at lunch spending time laughing with your spouse beforebed going on an adventure drive relaxing at the beach calling afriend or taking a long bubble bath The type of self-care doesnrsquotmatter as much as the effect It should make you feel like yoursquoretaking care of yourself in a way that combats toxic shame self-loathing anxiety depression and stress Carve 20 minutes intoyour day for self-care
4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a gamesomething with a little challenge in it to help make a thoughtexchange So I made one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automaticallyspeak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourselfnames Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friend
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might make youcringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
BONUS EXERCISE Write Your Biography
Write stories from your life using only positive descriptive wordsabout yourself It doesnrsquot have to seem true at first Keep at it
166
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look aboutyou and write down all you have accomplished in the last 24hours (You read this page right That is one) No matter howsmall you think the accomplishment it is evidence to the contraryof never do anything right
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved onesto marketers to abusers messages given us as children and oldercan come from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable ofrealistic insight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged falsenegative core beliefs of their own Are they suggestible andreactionary with their emotions Are they knowledgeable andwise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
BONUS EXERCISE Mirror Mirror
Look yourself in the eye and say ldquoI am loved I am lovablerdquoRepeat
167
Test Messages and Messengers
5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
168
Keep
working
169
Know When to Say Yes for a Most-fulfilling Life
Knowing what is of utmost importance to you will help preventmisdirected drive
1 Take time to list all your current obligations This will includefamily friends job financial expenditures physical healthmental health spiritual goals what God has asked of you andanything that you must finish
2 Look realistically at the above Is there anything that does notfit within your daily availability finances emotional energy orphysical capabilities
3 Is there anything you can remove from this list Ask for Godrsquoswisdom
What remains are yesses With rare exceptions everything else isa no Each time you agree to secondary activities expenses orobligations you are trading-in and saying no to something (orsomeone) you more highly value
BONUS EXERCISE Have a Routine
Sometimes when emotions run our decision-making we needsomething stable to help us stay on track with what it is we want
On your calendar mark a morning routine and a bedtimeroutine Set alarms on your phone for meals and meds Schedulefree time so your calendar does not own you
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have theenergy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeuticEven baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make yourown
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list Play music Set the table Take a shower Sit with the family Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today Go for a walk with a person or your dog Eat a healthy meal Attend participate in a support group Paint a picture or put a puzzle together Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Lower Your Stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
6 When You Feel Hopeless Live a Little
170
Allow Hope
Think about your values as a guide Write down what is importantto you and keep the list where you can see it Each day after youhave a choice stick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family
I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
BONUS EXERCISE Prevention
Lack of motivation and finding no pleasure in pleasurable activitiesare two of the classic symptoms doctors look for to diagnosedepression An enjoyable activity serves a preventative role
Make a 9rdquo x 9rdquo paper circle List around the circle activities youenjoy and activities you want to try Ring a paper clip over a penciland plant the pencil in the middle of your circle Spin the paper clipThe activity it points to is what you do for this day Another circlewith names can select whom to invite to join in the activity
171
172
ExampleThought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social eventlearn to be a good friend Reach out to her inkindness
Do something of value to earn respect speakkind words to and about him work on honestways to improve your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thankGod those people are comfortable and nothungry or cold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to goout with your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
7 Act Opposite
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Do the Amazing
What if you did something so shocking it amazes even youWhat if you went so counter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things If you will do it this challenge will shake yourworld and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it moreor to a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the Script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarrantedcriticism it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of runningwoulda-if-only on a loop how about making the situation into agame
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
173
8 Find Harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time
to study their companion and without criticism show appreciationfor the good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God forwhat you have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blamepay attention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize that everyone including yourselfhas made mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive asmuch as God has forgiven you
174
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stopping another person (we have nocontrol over them) Boundaries are about what we allow into ourcircle
Do the following exercise then create your own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leaveresponsibility for his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for theconsequences of losing them
What about a situation in your life
Draw a Circle Around Yourself
175
176
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsession
Take this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool
httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
9 Now What
Spell It Out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write out all it has stolen andwhat freedom will bring This is about you not casting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praiseand gratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is toa real God who will not only see what you write but who knowsyour heart
Write a letter (or letters) to your perceived dependency Do notmail it if it is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Romeis directly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
177
Find a Strong Support System
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over timewho is healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability tohold your confidences Watch them with other people Choosefriends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who haveseen your struggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
178
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in your pocket Feel it whenanxieties and other pressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions and impulsive thoughts orprevents them from rising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can be helpful to avoid anxietyattacks or panic or to use during anxiety and panic attacks
179
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing remindersthat he is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics willinspire you God Will Make a Way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in a public placewith little opportunity to walk away practice sign language orwrite the names of people you care about in the air discreetlybelow your waist Fiddle with anything that requires your fullattention like word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worry later Keep anotebook and pen handy The next time anxiety is triggered orcould be write the concern down and lay it aside Set a date ortime to address the issue perhaps with a safe person
BONUS Keep Your Mind Busy With Purpose
180
For ideas about purposeful activities and meaningfulrelationships during pandemic isolation see my free e-bookStay at Home and Thrive
Retrain Your Thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
181
182
Notes
We closed the meeting said goodbye and headed toward our
cars A full to-do list along with a sense of anxious helplessnessfilled my thoughts I cant I cant do it all
Randomly my mind wandered Even if I wanted to clean-up themillions of bee-bee size stones it would be an unsafe waste ofhours A less tedious walk would be nice but the problem was notmine to fix My job was simply to do my best at staying upright
Finally at home I slumped into a chair in silence heart andthoughts racing in stride There still wrapped in my coat handsand feet dressed for the winter chill I sagged under the weight ofbarren strength It was a familiar feeling being overwhelmed
Nothing was left of me on which to lean The whole of my effortslately seemed to accomplish nothing toward higher goals Defeat
5
1The Difference Maker
Walking was treacherous Potholes markedthe parking lot evidence of years of poundingstorms and heavy traffic Miniscule pebblessprinkled a disordered hopscotch as if largerocks had been pulverized over patches of old
and newer asphalt
ldquoI canrsquotrdquo
becomes
our miracle
and exhaustion forced surrender ldquoGod Irsquom sorry I canrsquothelliprdquo
I canrsquot finish what we started canrsquot move from this chair canrsquotplan another meeting see anyone or write another paragraphI canrsquot
Heaven sent three words to complete my whispered prayer ldquobutYou canrdquo The parking lot had been an object lesson It was timeto set down what was not mine to fix
ldquoI canrsquot but You canrdquo became a regular confession One step afteranother this phrase called attention to the One whose strengthdoes not wither whose love never fails and whose offers of restand healing are constant
ldquoThe Lord will fight for you You needonly be stillrdquo God told Mosessup1
ldquoCome to me all you who are wearyand carry heavy burdensrdquo Jesuspromised ldquoI will give you restrdquo sup2
Beyond burn-out daily life often feelsgravelly and threatening whenparalyzed by the past insecurities
The Lord will
fight for you
You need only
be still Exodus 1414
and depressive thinking we make littleprogress toward personal wholeness
Much of the time we stay stuck in fear oflosing what is familiar what it is we thinkwe have learned to control We chasepebbles instead of purpose
6
ldquoLet God transform you into a new person by changing the wayyou thinkrdquo wrote Paul one of the earliest believers in theChristian faithsup3 His term changing or renewing means to makean exchange
God is on our side ldquoI canrsquotrdquo becomes our miracle when we addldquoThe Difference Maker can and Irsquoll let himrdquo
What does God have to do with it
ldquoWho would you rather trust He is the Difference-Makerrdquo - a psychologist
Each are temporary Not only do they fluctuate with discoveryopinions moods and the market none reach into our deepestneed and make us permanently whole
The Difference Maker is well different Not a what but a who hedoes not change like shifting shadows⁴ nor can he be chained tohuman personality knowledge or man-made rites or rules He isgreater than everything we call finished
Godrsquos nature is to be there for us faithful to keep his promiseseven in troubling times His nature is constant which gives us
We like whats What time is it What is thescore What will happen next Educationscience financial security religion andpsychology to name a few have theirpurposes From them we may experience asense of fulfillment and some answers to ourquestion what
7
hope and firm ground in which to stake our trust
Because of his love for each of us he made a way to spend foreverwith us He is holy without any deceit or darkness at all⁵ We arenot as we all know⁶ To permit our guilt (deceit darkness) intohis holy presence he had to make a sacrifice
Instead of compromising his holy nature he provided a holy (nodeceit no darkness) gift that we can choose or refuse One day wewill all stand before God with or without his gift When we cometo him bearing this gift we will be ushered into his heaven⁷ Thenews is dreadful for those who do not have the gift with them⁸
The gift is free salvation offered by Godrsquos grace through faith inhis Son Jesus⁹ It is by accepting this gift that we become Godrsquoschildren and heirs to everything in his kingdomsup1⁰
We have this wonderful future with God to anticipate yet he iswith us now He has sent his Spirit the Holy Spirit (again nodeceit no darkness) to teach us and to touch us emotionally withspiritual truth
One of the best gifts we can open today is Godrsquos peace ldquoThe Lordgives his people strength the Lord blesses them with peacerdquosup1sup1Peace is our new state of being as we learn to apply his truththrough his processes
Paul said it best when he wrote the following
When I think of all this I fall to my knees and pray to theFather the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth Ipray that from his glorious unlimited resources he willempower you with inner strength through his Spirit Then
8
Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in himYour roots will grow down into Godrsquos love and keep youstrong
And may you have the power to understand as all Godrsquospeople should how wide how long how high and how deephis love is May you experience the love of Christ though it istoo great to understand fully Then you will be made completewith all the fullness of life and power that comes from Godsup1sup2
God is love
I will give you a new heart and put anew spirit in you I will remove fromyou your heart of stone and give youa heart of flesh Ezekiel 3626niv
If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son ofGod God lives in them and they in God And so weknow and rely on the love God has for us God islove 1 John 415-16niv
He cares about broken hearts He heals the brokenheartedand binds up their wounds
Psalm 1473niv
You LORD hear the desire of theafflicted you encourage them and youlisten to their cry Psalm 1017niv
He is with us during depression
He offers inside-out change
9
Godrsquos power is at work Now to him who is able to doimmeasurably more than all weask or imagine according to hispower that is at work within us tohim be gloryhellip Ephesians 320-21niv
I say to myself ldquoThe LORD is myinheritance therefore I will hope inhimrdquo -Jeremiah Lamentations 324
He offers eternal hope
He offers joy I came that they may have and enjoy life andhave it in abundance -Jesus John 1010amp
This is not a God will fix you book It is a door that opens into thediscovery of biblical solutions you may not know exist
This is also not a miracle-cure book The miracle is the DifferenceMaker and how he lifts you above depressive thoughts
10
12
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord you teach
ldquohellipwhatever is true
whatever is noble whatever
is right whatever is pure
whatever is lovely whatever
is admirablemdashif anything is
excellent or praiseworthymdash
think about such thingsrdquo
Help me Lord to change my
depressive thoughts
Based on Philippians 48
___________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
1 What consistent triggering event and response do youexperience
___________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
Practical Exercise 1 Make the Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use a napeven though a minute earlier you were not tired This is a type ofthought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bed the visualautomatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Begin noticing what runs through your brain in different situationsHow do certain thoughts make you feel
If you are uncertain how to answer the last question try this quickexperiment Think for 30 seconds on this yearrsquos news and noticeyour emotions Now focus on your favorite memory for 30 secondsIn which direction did your feelings travel when you changed theseintentional thoughts
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom where andwhy of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take the time tocomplete the following exercise (for each thought habit) and you willbe surprised at the worthwhile outcome
12
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchangeyour triggerrsquos association from gloomy to whatgenerally rightens your mood
3 What is your thought-habit
_______________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_______________________________________________(Example l feel content)
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with thingsyou love move the bed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularlyfor foot rubs saying prayers or texting jokesto your friends Avoid texts from work oropen them elsewhere)
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of thespace with open curtains worship music or a self-startingcoffee maker (Avoid texts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
__________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
13
7 What action will you take next time this triggering eventoccurs
__________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts More seriousepisodes of depression anxiety or other challenges may follow apattern or cycle Ideas throughout the following chapters can helpcreate new thinking patterns to replace negative thought habits
14
2Self-Doubt
Her eyes climb sparkling windowpanes to the tenth floor as she
stands frozen facing the entrance to an imposing office buildingAudrey has researched this job opportunity for days Do I knowenough Her binder is loaded with documents What did I forgetHer attire is professional I should have worn those other shoes
A woman walks past carrying a briefcase She looks put-togetherWhat if she is applying Audrey has recently earned a degree thefirst in her family to finish college But it is only a bachelorrsquos and Ihave no experience She catches her reflection in the glass doorsIrsquom too young
Finally Audrey caves What was I thinking They will never hireme This was a mistake Irsquom going home
Some thoughts My judgment is questionable Is this the right decision Am I good enough No one will take me
seriously I do not know if I am making a difference Fears of rejection and failure are paralyzing
ldquoGet Wisdomrdquo
[Godrsquos] still on the throne And those of us who know him putour trust in him and him alone I donrsquot put my trust in
15
ldquoGet wisdomrdquo is the challenge King Solomon of ancient Israel gaveto his son ldquoThough it cost all you have get understandingrdquosup1 Iwonder if his urgency was inspired by the story of his parentsKing David and Bathshebasup1∙⁵
Get wisdom from believers who listen to the Holy Spirit King David took another manrsquos wife Bathsheba and killed theman God detested this terrible deed and David knew it Drowningin lies and excuses he lived in total denial
Nathan the prophet listened to Godrsquos Holy Spirit and called David
Washington I donrsquot put my trust in the United Nations I donrsquotput trust in myself I donrsquot put my trust in my money I put mytrust in the Lord Jesus Christ When all the rest of it fails andcrumbles and shatters Hersquoll be there - Billy Graham
16
Reliance on
Godrsquos wisdom
means our
judgment is
not our only
resource
Self-doubt traps us between fear andfailure Trusting God to show us what todo may seem contradictory to our goal ofthinking for ourselves with confidence Ofcourse we are not created conformists orrobots
Nonetheless we cannot know more thanwe know Reliance on Godrsquos wisdommeans our judgment is not our onlyresource Even when we do not know thewhere what why or how ofcircumstances we never have toquestion Gods ability to lead
out on his rationalizing Truth hit David hard Hebroke down His tears of grief were not only regretbut repentance
Repentance is a combination of sorrow oversinning (wrongdoing) against God and a turningaway from those sins David later wrote in such away it is evident he changed direction His prayeris one we can repeat
Solomon became king remembering his fatherrsquoslessons Above long life riches or militaryvictory he prayed for an understanding mind anddiscerning heart to know the difference betweenright and wrongsup3
Growth and discernment are natural results of asincere and disciplined relationship with JesusAge and many years in the church do notguarantee this Spiritually mature believers havedeeper understanding of sound judgment becauseby constant practice they have trainedthemselves to distinguish good from evil⁴ Thereis much to be said for such experience
A man thanked a boy for giving him directionsadding ldquoIrsquom the new pastor Come to church
17
ldquoSearch me O God and know my heart test meand know my anxious thoughts Point outanything in me that offends you and lead mealong the path of everlasting liferdquosup2
Sunday and Irsquoll show you how get to heavenrdquo
The boy was skeptical Awww come on You dont even know theway around town
God promises ldquoI willhellip teach you in the way you should gordquo⁵ LikeNathan God still appoints people who listen to the Holy Spirit tospeak truth
The better part of wisdom is admitting when we have reached theend of what we know and humbly asking for directions
Get wisdom from the Holy BibleGodrsquos Word is not merely words on paper All Scripture is God-breathed according to Paul⁶ None of it is false
No prophecy or book in the Bible came from the writerrsquos initiativeor human understanding There is but one author God People likePaul who wrote profound letters were moved by the Holy Spirit⁷
Paul continues by saying the Bible is useful for correcting andtraining so servants of God (believers) will be thoroughlyequipped for every good deed and ministry⁸ He strongly impliesthat without such correction and training we will not have thenecessary tools to do Godrsquos work
Several hyper-religious hypocrites tried to trap Jesus with loadedquestions In one incident Jesus replied ldquoAre you not in errorbecause you do not know the Scriptures or the power of Godrdquo ⁹
Jesus could not be tricked into a defensive position because heknew the Word of God intimately He understood the heart of it
18
because he knew the Father so well If we are not studying thebook we will find ourselves floundering So often we leaveourselves vulnerable to the latest arguments and philosophies
Saturating in the Bible whether through reading or audio is howwe learn who God is how he relates to us personally and how torespond to him Without this we miss out on the power of God
I recommend reading the Bible in large chunks Headingschapters and verse numbers have been added by publishers tohelp us navigate and find specific passages these markings do notexist in the original writings Context and flow of meaning arericher without those divisions so try to pretend they are not there
As variations from reading I enjoy the NIV dramatized versionaudio Bible and movies that directly quote New Testament books
The Bible is also not published in chronological order You mayfind it more fascinating and exciting to follow a chronological listof books and passages These are easily found online
Get wisdom from knowing Godrsquos willSelf-doubt interrupts our ability to process leaving us stranded ina place of pain the valley of indecision We want to know Godrsquoswill for us yet our prayers are mixed with fear and negative what-ifs
19
Sam enjoys the pace of factory work He is good with his hands andfeels a sense of pride in a dayrsquos accomplishments He holds nostudent debt can leave his job at the factory and is fully presentfor his family in the evenings
Sam would be miserable managing the factory After dealing withcontractors and payroll and customers all day he would returnhome uptight business school loans still due
If Sam were offered these jobs what would you recommend forhim God is not the author of confusionsup1⁰ Most of the time hespeaks through the obvious and we can over-spiritualize things tothe point they make no sense
God made us with innate talents and gifts He placed us in culturesamong people who will help develop our likes and dislikesAssuming we are not choosing to sin we can make life choicesbased on what suits our unique qualities best
If Audrey faces that office building knowing the job is one that willdry up her talents then walking away is likely wise Of course Godgrows us within the challenging features of his calling We tend toenjoy what we are successful doing and skills increase withpractice Trying a new experience is an adventure
20
Where We
Find JoyOur
Will
Godrsquos
Will
21
He has already revealed his will for us anyway Comparing ouroptions to his known will makes for simpler decisions if they donot match we need to change
Firstly we must have faith in God and In his Son Jesus Withoutfaith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes tohim must believe that he exists and that he rewards those whoearnestly seek himsup1sup1
Secondly with the help of the Holy Spirit we are to transformbecoming more like Christ in attitude which is love for othersobedience to the Father and willingness to suffer for the truthsup1sup2
Thirdly we are told to focus on the spiritual kingdom of Jesussup1sup3My grandmother had a sign hung prominently in her dining roomAs one who wanted to make a difference in the world it spoke tome throughout my youth
lsquoTis only one life
lsquoTwill soon be past
Only whatrsquos done for Christ will last
God feels with you and knows how exhausted and overloaded youare at times Do what you want and can do His work in us is allabout growing in love not more pressure to meet human orreligious standards
Get wisdom from prayerPerhaps the most comforting promise about using good judgment
22
was recorded by Jesusrsquo brother James ldquoIf any of you lacks wisdomyou should ask God who gives generously to all without findingfault and it will be given to yourdquosup1⁴
Without finding fault what a relief We do not have to clean-upbefore approaching our Holy Father He has only one condition forhis perfect guidance to get through to us James wrote ldquoBut whenyou ask you must believe and not doubtrdquosup1⁴
A pastor proposed an idea for knowing when we have receivedGodrsquos answer
Ask Make a specific request to God such as ldquoIs it best I take thisjobrdquo or ldquoDo I owe Becky an apologyrdquo
Listen Pay attention to the first thought that follows yourrequest
Act Go with that first thought
But I will make a mistake Irsquoll think of something wrong That iswhere doubt comes in God is more than capable of getting hismessage through all the muck in our heads Every time I haveapplied this pastorrsquos idea every time the answer has been the rightone
Confusion comes with arguing It is true Trying to have my wayand ldquoaskrdquo him at the same time forces a did he answer or did he notanswer internal battle That is on me not him Self-doubt will pop-up its ugly head nevertheless it loses its power if we refuse tosecond-guess God
Faith and trust increase the better we know him ldquoBe still and knowthat I am Godrdquo he sayssup1⁵ Be still Turn off the television and
23
phone go somewhere quiet and meditate onwho is this God and Creator of the universe
Open your Bible with this prayer ldquoGod pleaseshow me what this means to my life mysituation Please reveal what I need to learnabout Yourdquo
Love and holiness are Godrsquos nature His love is
He told
Moses his
name
ldquoI AMrdquo
unending He is the source of all good and truth in the world He isperfectly goodsup1⁶
Yet he is a mystery No one of such finite quality as we can fullymake sense of an eternal God The most studious experts ofscripture know only what God has revealed to them
He told Moses his name I AMsup1⁷ He exists As supposed to all theother false gods and idols that are man-made illusions and self-reliance which is faulty surely he can handle our situations Let usstop questioning our every move We can be still and know he isGod
Imagine Audrey goes to the job interview confident of Godrsquos lovefor her Intimidation and insecurities weaken as she exchanges self-doubt for faith
I cannot Lord You canI have not You will never abandon me
I am unseeing You know all
Please lead me along the best path
25
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Do good to your servant
according to your word
Lord Teach me knowledge
and good judgment for I
trust your commands Before
I was afflicted I went
astray but now I obey
your word
Psalm 11965-67
Practical Exercise 2 Pros and Cons
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible or ask amature follower of Christ to see if there is already an answer givenStep three Be brutally honest with all the pros and cons of youroptions
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
25
Next remember who has all the answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottlewherever it will catch some light Keepit open and have slips of paper andpen available
Write down your unansweredquestions doubts about yourself andany other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside thejar is a great problem surrounded byshadows and light By faith we canaccept that we do not see all or have allthe answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimesshoot out of your jar This representsthe endless wisdom and love of God towhich we can each cling Somehowgood is going to come of what we donot understand
26
3Toxic Shame
Some thoughts I must punish myself I cannot show my face Irsquoll never tell anyone what I did or how I feel There are dozens of reasons for her to hate me I cannot go to
God because Ive done too much wrong Forgive myself Not possible
Shame is a good thing It is Without shame for wrongdoing there
would be no rehabilitation no fresh starts no amends and nochange We must feel ashamed so we are ready to apologize andmean it This is healthy
Toxic Shame is a cruel entertainer replaying mental moviesespecially at night while we snack on the poisons of self-hate andhumiliation
Toxic Shames co-conspirator is Mindreading She makes it difficultto let go of the fear that people remember and do not forgive
Toxic Shame is a relentless accuser with total-devastation potential Scores of his targets havefallen victim to physical pains anxiety or someform of self-punishment This shame preventsrest in Godrsquos love because we question ourworthiness of forgiveness
27
mistakes We do not take their words at face value Mindreadingassumes we are judged by everyone like we judge ourselves
Toxic shame cannot stand up to Godrsquos mercy
pastor the name of Jesus never escaped his lips
As he lay dying and unresponsive at age eighty-four a chaplaincame to visit He asked about Dadrsquos background and I told him whatI just told you The chaplain said something I had not consideredldquoPerhaps because he once was a pastor he does not believe he canbe forgiven for falling into sinrdquo
It makes perfect sense the way Dad wouldshrug off talk of his old days as a preacheror how he changed the subject if a regularconversation turned to faith When I or myson asked about his relationship to Jesushe always answered ldquoIrsquom working on itrdquo
ldquoPerhaps
because he was
once a pastor
he does not
believe he can
be forgivenrdquo
Refusing to forgive ourselves might seemlike humility it is the epitome of prideWe assume to have an authority greaterthan God when after he wipes away oursins we answer ldquoNot me Im too messedup even for You
Clumsy human attitudes such as this donot determine Godrsquos toward us
My dad was not easily understood Hisways were a mix of good deeds and dolingout grievous pain Although he was once a
28
Shortly after the chaplain spoke to and prayed with my dad Istepped out for a short break from keeping vigil Ten minutes latertrying to reenter Dadrsquos room it felt the door was heavy as ifpressing against a strong wind With a heavier shove I found myselfin a familiar and most welcome of atmospheres
It was still except for the sound of labored breathing The air wasthick with the closest to perfect peace as we will ever know on thisearth The dense presence of Godrsquos Holy Spirit filled the roomconcentrated in the corner over my fatherrsquos bed
The Difference Maker was answering my long-time prayer andholding a deathbed conversation with Dad Some time passed until Ifelt the presence rise and leave perhaps taking a refreshed soul withhim Within an hour my dadrsquos frail body quit trying
Jesus was crucified between two thieves One of them said to JesusldquoRemember me when you come into your kingdomrdquo
Jesus answered ldquoToday you will be with me in paradiserdquosup1
A thief and my dad Two unlikely candidates for heaven embracedfor eternity because they said yes to forgiveness
It is too bad my dad did not live a life of peace We can While werehearse old scenarios the Difference Maker forgives generously
We duck our heads in shame he wants to liftour chinssup2
Once my dad had breathed his last I askedGod if he would assure me that dad said yes tohim during their talk I opened my Bible and
29
30
landed near the end of the Old Testament
ldquoYou will not stay angry with your people forever because youdelight in showing unfailing loverdquo Micah the prophet wrote ldquoOnceagain you will have compassion on us You will trample our sinsunder your feet and throw them into the depths of the oceanrdquosup3
Do you see that God delights in showing unfailing love He wasnever about to let his child go into eternity without him In the endGod orchestrated the timing so my dad would accept forgivenessand his daughter would have the privilege of learning just how deepis the love of God for those who believe on his Son⁴
He not only removes our shame he personally has a great timedoing so He is eager to remove our fears too
I know my dad is in heaven just like I know the thief is there ldquoFor ashigh as the heavens are above the earth so great is his love for thosewho fear him as far as the east is from the west so far has heremoved our transgressions from usrdquo⁵
Other steps
Remember healthy shame It becomes toxic when we allow it to rotunattended while we refuse to deal with complicated truth
Things we ignore grow moldy and poisonous This plays out inaddiction resentment depression anger control issues self-righteousness and so much more
Godrsquos love and forgiveness are gracious and forever I will thank himfor them However he does not take our stubborn and hard
Moral inventory shapes our understanding of ourselves whichin turn shapes our relationship with God Some styles ofinventory ask us to take a hard look at our character defectsand this can create a powerful sense of our need for God Otherstyles of inventory encourage us to look not just at ourshortcomings but at our strengths as well and so the sense ofneed for God is not as strong If we write according to the firststyle of inventory we are more likely to enter in an intimaterelationship with God ndashJames Ryan of the National
Association of Christian Recovery
A fearless inventory does not shy away from total honesty with Godwho knows everything anyway⁶ We do not have to fear Godrsquosrejection He never expects perfection from humans because heknows how weak we are he remembers we are only dust⁷
Guidance for completing an inventory is on the next page
hearts and melt them against our will Steps we can take will openus to his miracles
Moral Inventory
31
ConfessionldquoDonrsquot be impressed with your own wisdomInstead fear the LORD and turn away fromevil Then you will have healing for your bodyand strength for your bonesrdquo⁸
Who knew the Bible is so psychologically apteh
The One who made us knows we need tounload shame and offers his listening earsWe share our moral inventory with him andask him to remove all our sins
Honesty 1 Peter 222
rdquoHe committed no
sin and no deceit was
found in his mouthrdquo
Sexual Purity
Hebrews 726 rdquo[Christ
Jesus] truly meets our need mdash one who is
holy blameless pure set apart from sinnershelliprdquo
Love 1 John 316 ldquoThis is how
we know what love isJesus Christ
laid down his life for
usrdquo
Unselfishness2 Corinthians
89rdquoFor you know the grace of our
Lord Jesus Christ that
though he was rich yet for your sake he became
poor so that you through his
poverty might become richrdquo
Borrowed from the Oxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes we compare
our honesty purity unselfishness and love to that of Jesus
32
Amends (not excuses)
Jesus said ldquohellipif you are offering your gift at the altar (he meant inworship of God) and there remember that your brother or sisterhas something against you leave your gift there in front of the altarFirst go and be reconciled to them then come and offer your giftrdquo⁹
That is how important making amends is to God Confessing ourwrongs to people we have hurt is a giant step toward our healingfrom toxic shame and hopefully brings some sense of closure tothem too Unless contacting them would cause them more pain wehumbly admit what we did and apologize
Forgiveness is theirs to give when and if they are ready so we donot ask for it Our forgiveness comes from above Amends may notproduce a healed relationship we do it anyway and leave others toGod
Pray blessings for your enemiesJesus prayed for his enemiessup1⁰ as did Stephen the first Christianmartyr
ldquoOpen confession is good for the soulrdquo ndashScottish proverb
33
This is an ongoing process His forgivenessis complete nonetheless we will continueto act dishonestly impurely selfishly andunlovingly at times
A caution Do not compare yourself against
other people only to Christ Jesus
Stephen prayed for those who conspired to have him stoned todeathsup1sup1 While he was dying he asked God to have mercy on hisenemies Saul of Tarsus stood among themsup1sup1∙⁵
In the name of God Saul of Tarsus zealously opposed Jesusrsquofollowers hunting them down Mercilessly he tore families apartdragging men and women believers to prison and voting for theirdeaths He tried to force them to blaspheme a criminal offensesup1sup2
Eventually he wrote half the New Testament of our Holy Bibletoday
Did Paul deserve Godrsquos grace No way That is the beauty of itnone of us do Jesus never sinned and therefore had pure love forhis enemies By praying for our enemies we recognize theirhumanity and ours The largess of Godrsquos grace heals our soul
Stay in the presentPaul could easily have been paralyzed by toxic shame as hepreached to and encouraged friends and members of those samefamilies he had killed In his sixties and under house arrest for hisfaith Paul wrote ldquohellipone thing I do Forgetting what is behind and
As he was
martyred he
asked God to
have mercy on his
enemies
God heard Stephenrsquos prayer and hadmercy on Saul After his conversionSaul changed his name to Paul (Saulwas a kingly name Paul meanslittle)
For about thirty-five years Paulserved as missionary and churchplanter willingly suffering the life hehad imposed on otherssup1sup3
34
Note We all need assistance sometimes When toxicshame is connected to unaddressed memories andtrauma emotional disturbances and the inability tofunction normally we may benefit most from professionalhelp
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love ofGod and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with yousup1⁶
straining toward what is ahead I press onhelliprdquo sup1⁴
Toxic shame can be a choice The past cannot change why wastetime on it Today and tomorrow with the Difference Maker in thelead we have the opportunity to follow his plan of escape from self-defeating thoughts and live a different kind of life
Godrsquos promise is that no shadow of shame will darken our faces ifwe look to himsup1⁵ Read the book of John as you begin orstrengthen your walk with God
35
Prayer to the Difference Maker
ldquohellipmany are saying of my soul
lsquoThere is no salvation for him in Godrsquo
But you O LORD
are a shield about me my glory
and the lifter of my headrdquo
Psalm 32-4 (ESV)
Practical Exercise 3 Examine the Evidence
If
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes toone of the questionson the left you havea new day in thecourt of your mindCheck out thecorresponding linkson the right
37
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Prison- no parole
Next secure your release
38
4Self-loathing
Mr Negative self-
talk destroys
identities and
paralyzes dreams
Period That is all
he does
Mr Self-loathing blinds us to thewonderful mysteries of otherpeople by laser-beam focusinginward In public we worry if weare coming across okay In privatewe wonder what others think aboutus
When we do not believe in ouraptitude personality or lovabilitywe miss out on the love others tryto extend Compliments upset us
Some thoughts Irsquom not good enough No one can love meIrsquom too old or young too fat or thin too uneducated or
inexperienced too introverted or boisterous Irsquom always too much and too little Ugly Idiot Trouble
Thats me I am a mistake
Mr Self-loathing is in the ldquoIrdquo business He sells I-should-not be
me and I-should-have-done-better His top sales manager MsSense of Worthlessness invented Irsquom not-as-good-as-so-n-so andIrsquom-sorry-for-everything Their chief of business communicationsolrsquo Negative Self-talk specializes in I am a loser of every typeimaginable
39
because in our minds they cannotpossibly be true We believepeople are only placating us forwhat purpose we do not knowMiniscule mistakes blare I canrsquotget anything right
Loathing is a strong term andappropriate for this self-debasingthinking As a thought habit itresponds well to Practical Exercise1
If we buy the goods Ms Sense ofWorthlessness sells self-loathing
goes public She excels at over-apologizing One of her favorites isldquoOh excuse merdquo (even though you nearly knocked me onto mykeester and two pounds of chocolate chips ripped open in front ofmy three very young children who now look like foraging raccoonsBut hey Irsquom sorry- to you- who is long gone)
Another favorite is ldquoIrsquom sorry to bother yourdquo (though you said I amnot bothering you a minute ago and each time I have walked intoyour office since you hired me you have said the same)
She also encourages her customers to say I am sorry with bodylanguage when nothing out of the ordinary has occurred
Maybe we rationalize apologies as nice polite or sympatheticUnfortunately unnecessary and excessive apologizing generallyframes us as untrustworthy and weak even if we are not thosethings The practice works against us
40
Mr Negative Self-talk destroys identities and paralyzes dreamsPeriod That is all he does His attacks against our wellbeing are oldvoices thoughts and beliefs playing on a loop each geared towardthe abuse and vandalization of our minds bodies and spirits
One meme says ldquoIf a friend speaks to you the way you speak toyourself how long will you be friendsrdquo Well what if a friend talksabout herself using thoughts you hold against yourself how longbefore you try to reassure her
Baggage and Beliefs
Some of our baggage is based on negative false core beliefs usuallyadopted in childhood Three steps form a belief
bull A significant person to us one in authority or someone we trustor admire sends or affirms a message positive or negativethrough speech or actions
bull Our experience must support that message whether byperception or reality
bull Then we must repeat the message to ourselves
For instance a teacher says ldquoYou are weak at mathrdquo On the nextexam you miss some equations This experience might become yourldquoevidencerdquo of weakness in math By repeating to yourself Irsquomterrible at math you affix the belief
Negative false core beliefs often buried deep inside and out ofsight strongly affect our decisions even when we are unaware
Jeff is not introspective and tends to go about his business with anair of certainty However he turns down promotions and lately
41
His dad had been promoted severaltimes within the company for whichhe worked most of his life At an olderage he was fired and replaced by ayounger man who earned less Thishappened when Jeff was a teenagerand he heard an earful as his dadblamed the bosses the ldquosystemrdquo andbad luck
Jeff picked up on the message that nomatter how hard one tries gettingahead will result in financial disasteranyway Throughout his life hegathered evidence of injusticesupporting this message Hemumbled ldquoThatrsquos the way it isrdquo untilhe no longer had to be aware of it tobase his life around it
Uncovering this core belief changedhis attitude He took time to challengethe old fear with evidence to thecontrary
42
A
message
Experience
backs it up
We repeat
the
message to
ourselves
anger rises when the manager asks him to take on more leadershipresponsibility
Jeffrsquos wife suggests he begin to question for the first time if there ismore behind these decisions Starting with the Difference Makerhe asks for help
Beliefs Baggage
Whether he accepts a promotion is not the point He is his ownman free to make decisions about his future without an underlyingfear of loss undermining his goals
Any one of us may have our sense of identity buried under moundsof such beliefs I am stupid I am annoying No one can truly loveme I do not belong herehellip and on and on it goes We watch ourdreams float past like clouds and mutter ldquoI canrsquot I am not enoughrdquo
Another point of view
Self-loathing a sense of worthlessness and negative self-talk may
Godrsquos
Thoughts
Our
Thoughts
be familiar and oddly comforting Perhaps this ishow someone significant to us treats us Maybe itis all we have known No matter how the put-downs started God wants to change our thinking
He highly values us He created people in hisimagesup1 He made humans but a little lower thanhimselfsup2
These facts do not make us little gods he alone isGod He said ldquoMy thoughts are nothing like yourthoughts and my ways are far beyond anythingyou could imaginerdquosup3
By questioning our worth are we not assuminghis thoughts are the lower ones We curse onehuman being who is made in Godrsquos likeness andoften harshly judge others who remind us ofourselves⁴
43
Take in the Difference Makerrsquos messages
I am whole as Godrsquos artFor I am Godrsquos handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do goodworks which he prepared in advance for me to do ⁵
He created my inmost being he knit me together in my motherrsquoswomb⁶
I am whole because I am newThis means that I who belong to Christ have become a new personMy old life is gone a new life has begun⁷
Because of the LORDrsquos great love I am not consumed for hiscompassions never fail They are new every morning Great is Godrsquosfaithfulness ⁸
God does not make mistakes therefore I matter God loves me with an unending love therefore I am lovable
I am human with strengths and weaknesses like everyone therefore I am as valuable
There is purpose for my life therefore I will make a differenceI am who God says I am therefore I have a unique identity
44
Taking Godrsquos point of view to heart is to embrace grace thatmysterious and priceless gift of Godrsquos favor and blessing that no onecan earn
45
I belong because I am Godrsquos childSee what great love the Father has lavished on me that I should becalled a child of God And that is what I am ⁹
I belong and am a friend of JesusI am friends with the Lord and Savior Yes Abraham believedGodhellip and he was called a friend of Godsup1⁰
He calls me friend for everything that he has learned from theFather he has made known to mesup1sup1
I am secureThough my father and mother forsake me the LORD will receivemesup1sup2
I am one of Good Shepherdrsquos sheep and I listen to his voice Heknows me and I follow him He gives me eternal life and I willnever perish No one can snatch me away for the Father is morepowerful than anyone else No one can snatch me from the Fatherrsquoshandsup1sup3
I am strong when I am weakChristrsquos grace is all I need His power works best in myweakness So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so thatthe power of Christ can work through mesup1⁴
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Thank you for making me so
wonderfully complex Your
workmanship is marvelous -
how well I know it
Psalm 13914
Practical Exercise 4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a game somethingwith a little challenge in it to help make a thought exchange So Imade one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Word-Swap
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automatically
speak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourself
names Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckhellipExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friendhellip
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might makeyou cringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
47
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look about youand write down all you have accomplished in the last 24 hours (Youread this page right That is one) No matter how small you think theaccomplishment it is evidence to the contrary of never do anythingright
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved ones tomarketers to abusers messages given us as children and older cancome from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable of realisticinsight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged false negative corebeliefs of their own Are they suggestible and reactionary with theiremotions Are they knowledgeable and wise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
48
Next test messages and messengers
5Extreme
Conclusions How I feel in this moment is how I will always feel No
one is trustworthy If the result will be perfect Irsquoll do it if not I wonrsquot try God only helps those who help themselves
Irsquoll make sure you are happy Irsquoll sleep when Irsquom dead I always do what is right and you never do If I do not get
this new job Irsquoll have to go back to the old one
Extreme conclusions are mental
destinations We travel there via trains ofthought Four main engines pull separate linesof cargo cars loaded with random thoughtsand assumptions These engines are calledBlack-and-white All-or-nothing Either-orand Pass-fail
Extreme conclusions are depressive whenexpectations are not met For example in thesports world winning is everything If an
Disclaimer Absolute truths exist as expressedthroughout this book that is not the topic here
Pass-fail
athlete with a pass-fail mindset loses the athletersquos sense of personalvalue may hang on the scoreboard
49
Primarily this mindsetjudges By dissecting life andboxing it in with manmaderules it labels situationspeople ideas emotions andeven God as all good or all
bad
Unwanted or disagreeable
Throughout a lifetime gray areas or for the sake of this chapter themiddle track is where most decisions are made We want to land atreasonable conclusions Listening learning compromising makingfair judgments and extending mercy swiftly carry us to that moresatisfying place
Once there we find closer relationships higher self-esteemforgiveness and honesty
It is imperative our thoughts ride the middle rails Outside of thatwe lose sight of options We wind up lost in Extreme Conclusionsour minds closed
Black-and-white (judgmental)
Black-and-white thinking is themonster truck of thought enginesthe gold medalist in conveyingundecipherable messages to ourbrain at speeds so fast that we areat Extreme Conclusions wellbefore we have had a chance to reconsider
50
ideas and emotions are stored out of reach and dismissed
Jesus lived in the gray Violently against hypocricy and manmadereligious laws and passionate about his Father he taught atransformative love
Do not judgesup1 open your eyes and arms to the strangersup2 and sharewith those in needsup3 he preached Greet people who are not yourpeople⁴ pray for your enemies⁵ and do to others as you wouldwant them to do to you⁶
He was radical then and still is It was against religious rules to doany work on the Sabbath yet Jesus healed people and allowed hishungry disciples to pick grain on holy days He lifted women to ahigher plane speaking to them directly and treating them with thesame respect he offered men He welcomed women to choosediscipleship Love and decency shown to the poor and sociallydespised became a hallmark of his ministry
He was not so patient with religious hypocrites
Jesus told a now-famous parable⁷ about extreme conclusions of theself-righteous black-and-white variety and their opposite
A man of a certain race and creed was beaten by robbers and left todie Two people of the same race and creed saw him lying there andignored him
Why He was inconvenient They had work to finish and religiousrules to follow Touching a dead man back then would make themceremonially unclean for seven days⁸ They would not take thechance
51
A third man came along this time of a race andcreed that shared a long-standing animositytoward the people of the robbed man Normallythese two populations did not interact or eventouch some of the same items
Social norms did not cause this third passer-by tohesitate He saw only human need and rushed tothe aid of a person dying by the side of the roadInstead of us versus them he chose middleground
He saw
only
human
need and
rushed to
the aid of
a person
dying by
the side of
the roadInstead of
us versus
them he
chose
middle
ground
He cleaned the manrsquoswounds with oil andwine bandaged hislacerations and tookhim to an inn where theowner agreed to watchover his recovery Thekind stranger paid forroom and boardpromised to check backand left to go about hisbusiness
Black and whitejudgments often have
52
nothing to do with love The Difference Makerreminds us that he holds all knowledge and weknow but part⁹ Blinded to a log in our eyes wewill hurt people by attempting speck-removalsurgery on theirssup1⁰
ldquoMake sure that the light you think you have is not actuallydarkness If you are filled with light with no dark corners then yourwhole life will be radiant as though a floodlight were filling youwith lightrdquosup1⁰∙⁵
All-or-nothing (misdirected drive)
All-or-nothing is 101 investment in a single area of life to theexclusion of all else It is a one-track train of thought
state of constant motion stress and guilt
Whatever consumes our priorities and imagination vital momentsand relationships that make life worthwhile wilt in the cabooseDepression is an unsurprising pay-off as are heart attacks Balanceis in the middle
Common modern misdirected drives such as the love of money andcontrol over onersquos destiny are also ancient
A rich young mansup1sup1 clearly spiritually sensitive approached JesusldquoI have carefully followed all the ten commandmentsrdquo he saidldquoWhat else must I do to earn eternal liferdquo
With love Jesus offered a shocking plan He suggested the man sellhis possessions and give the money to the poor This ran far deeper
Be it work education legacyfame power pursuit of moneyor anything else an all-or-nothingmindset mimics tyrannythreatening to stop us altogetherunless we remain in a deplorable
53
than asking for a donation Jesusrsquo intentions appear less aboutsacrificial giving than faith
One sect of religious teachers at the time commonly taught thatwealth proved Godrsquos approval and was a likely ticket to heaven ifheaven existed The young man went away sad and this falseteaching may be part of the reason His question had been aboutobeying rules Jesusrsquo answer challenged him to lsquobreakrsquo one of theso-called rules that provided comfort
Driven to earn more collect more and reassure himself he missedeverything he had been looking for He was afraid of losing statushis hope of salvation by a means other than Jesus
heaven what hope was there for the poor For them Theyasked ldquoWho then can be savedrdquo
Jesus said ldquoWith man this is impossible but with God all thingsare possiblerdquo In one sentence he negated the notion that anythingbut Godrsquos grace can usher people into eternal life
All-or-nothing thinking potentially affects us in any area Jesussaid ldquoNo one can serve two masters For you will hate one and lovethe other you will be devoted to one and despise the otherrdquosup1sup2
To his disciples who witnessed thisexchange Jesus said ldquoIt is easierfor a camel to go through the eye ofa needle than for a rich person toenter the kingdom of Godrdquo
They were naturally astounded atthis unfamiliar teaching If it wereimpossible for the rich to enter
54
A popular heresy is the ldquoprosperity gospelrdquo promising gulliblepeople that God wants them rich Lest there be any doubt Paulexplains this topic in a letter to the young pastor Timothy
ldquoThese are the things you are to teach and insist on If anyoneteaches otherwise and does not agree to the sound instruction of ourLord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching they are conceited andunderstand nothing They have an unhealthy interest incontroversies and quarrels about words that result in envy strifemalicious talk evil suspicions and constant friction between peopleof corrupt mind who have been robbed of the truth and who thinkthat godliness is a means to financial gain
ldquoBut godliness with contentment is great gain For we broughtnothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it But if wehave food and clothing we will be content with that Those whowant to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into manyfoolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin anddestruction For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil Somepeople eager for money have wandered from the faith and piercedthemselves with many griefshellip
ldquoCommand those who are rich in this present world not to bearrogant nor to put their hope in wealth which is so uncertain butto put their hope in God who richly provides us with everything forour enjoyment Command them to do good to be rich in gooddeeds and to be generous and willing to share In this way they willlay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the comingage so that they may take hold of the life that is truly liferdquo
1 Timothy 63-19niv
55
Either-or (limited vision)
when he applied for work on the railroad in 1944 He was tooyoung Extreme conclusions told him it was useless to try againalthough the original dream never died
It is easy to look at William and think he could have tried hardernonetheless what about us Have we given up dreaming Are westaying in abusive relationships because we cannot see a way outHave we denied ourselves recovery because it seems impossibleDo we accept mental health struggles with an ldquooh wellrdquo shrug andbalk at seeking help
Do we worship the all-powerful all-knowing always-loving ldquoGodwith usrdquosup1sup3 or keep our distance for fear he will ruin our lives
Maybe we hide behind either-or too
Train tracks mechanically move at what are aptly called switchesRailyards have complex systems allowing engines with or withoutcars to completely reverse and travel the opposite direction
Either-or narrows ourvision to only two possiblechoices It leaves no spacefor fresh solutions Livingin this mindset isdepressive becausewhatever we want outsideof these limited options islocked out of consideration
William was turned down
56
What if God plans to conduct me through the impossible
What if his strength is enough for me to try something new
What if his wisdom will guide me safely away from repeated effortsthat have never worked and into freedom
What if I survive What if I can start over What if
Maryrsquos and Martharsquos brother Lazarus was severely illsup1⁴ Worriedthe sisters sent an urgent message to Jesus Please come
His reaction is still jolting
Lazarus died To many Jesusrsquo slowness did not look like concernenough
Martha ran to meet him as he arrived at town She said ldquoIf you hadonly been here my brother would not have diedrdquo
ldquoNow Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus Sowhen he heard that Lazarus was sick he stayed where hewas two more dayshelliprdquo (italics mine)
Switches are a massive undertaking andan engineering marvel
In what we may appropriately callanother marvel the Difference Makerwillingly switches at any time our one-track thoughts If we allow Godrsquospossibilities to override our either-orfaith asks a positive ldquowhat ifrdquo
57
Mary slumped at his feet tortured by the same thought ldquoLord ifyou had been herehelliprdquo Visitors who had come to grieve with Marthaand Mary mumbled ldquoHe could have saved Lazarusrsquo lifehelliprdquo
Deeply impassioned by the lack of faith around himsup1⁵ Jesuswalked to a small cave covered by a stone It was Lazarusrsquo graveldquoMove the stonerdquo he said
ldquoBut Lordrdquo said Martha ldquoBy this time there is a bad odor for hehas been there four daysrdquo
Lazarusrsquo sisters were stuck in either-or thinking partially due to thesociety in which they grew up Among the many false religiousteachings of their day it was believed that the soul left the bodypermanently after three days
The stone out of the way Jesus called in a loud voice ldquoLazaruscome outrdquo
Lazarus emerged from the dark caveinto daylight Jesus said ldquoTake offhis grave clothes and let him gordquo
No one had expected this No onedreamed that Jesusrsquo love includedthe inexplicable
No one had
expected
this
Four days after death meant no more hopefor miracles Either Jesus had come quicklyor it was too late Either Jesus had raisedLazarus a day earlier or it was impossibleeven for him
58
The disciples had heard him say earlier that Lazarus would live Hehad informed Martha also that Lazarus would be raised Yet thatwas not enough for them to understand and believesup1⁶
Jesus wept with Mary and Martha yearning to increase their faithHe was glad to see many of the witnesses finally set aside theirdoubts
The resurrection of Lazarus was significant for another reasonWhen powerful religious leaders heard about this miracle theirsomewhat paranoid ideas about Jesus and how many people wereturning to him increased They convened as a unit to plot Jesusrsquomurder not admitting they had no power to kill him outside ofGodrsquos timing
Ultimately by waiting to answer the sistersrsquo desperate plea thecompletion of Christ Jesusrsquo great mission took place voluntarilypaying the bloody price for our sins and coming back from deathThrough the experience of Lazarus he had left his followers withproof of his power to restore life no matter the odds
The death Lazarus endured was never in vain God who exists intimelessness knew precisely what everyone needed most They sawsuffering he saw the unfolding of his perfect plan They grieved theend of a life he rejoiced at the beginning of eternal life for all whowould trust in him completely
The Difference Makerworks miracles farbeyond either-or
59
60
A pass-or-fail train of thought is brutal Without mercy itdemands an accounting for every mistake Do not think it rewardswise choices No this train is on to the next opportunity to runover its victim Most often that is you
Olivetrsquos goal is to find a job in a new career Measuring her successby using a scale of 1-100 she gives herself a 30 for returning toschool as an older adult Finishing with an Associatersquos degree sheadds another 30 She finds it difficult to land a job Does this dropher back to zero
Pass-or-fail thinking takes such a punch and does not rise All thiseffort has been a waste of time
Mercy accepts realityrsquos middles Is stamina in Olivetrsquos job searchworth 20 She counts her successful steps Already she is at 80and not yet hired
Is anything more emotionallyself-punishing than to measureourselves against an impossiblestandard The psalmist wroteldquoEven perfection has itslimitshelliprdquosup1⁷
Pass-or-fail (merciless)
Unemployed Olivet might look like a loserto some Not to God ldquoPeople judge by theoutward appearance but the Lord looks atthe heartsup1⁸
61
One of Jesusrsquo closest friends Peter was an emotional man withgood intentions and quick impulses Words tended to leap from hismouth before careful thought
He opened his mouth one time too many Only hours before Jesuswas arrested on trumped-up charges Peter vowed his allegiancesaying ldquoEven if I have to die with you I will never deny yourdquosup1⁹
Jesus said ldquoPeter before morning by the time a rooster crowstwice you will have already denied me three timesrdquo
A crowd of men armed with swords and clubs took Jesus intocustody in the middle of the night His disciples scattered in fearPeter had enough courage to follow Jesus to the trial albeit fromfar behind He found himself hiding near a campfire with guardsand others who had been at the arrestsup2⁰
A servant girl recognized him ldquoYou were one of those with Jesusrdquo
Peter answered for all those around the fire to hear ldquoI donrsquot knowwhat yoursquore talking aboutrdquo
A rooster crowed in the background
As the rumor traveled people staredA voice spoke from the shadows ldquoHeis one of themrdquo
Panicking Peter said ldquoI swear I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Other bystanders confronted him
ldquoYou must be one of his followers Youraccent gives you awayrdquo
rooster crows Agonizing shame stabbed at his heart andbeleaguered his mind You will deny me three times before therooster crows twice Bolting from that place Peter wept bitterly
If life is a pass-fail test with God Peter failed At the mostimportant moment in history he crumbled That is not the end ofPeterrsquos story
Jesus was crucified Three days later after Jesus rose to life Peterraced with all his might to the grave to see if this report weretruesup2sup1 I imagine he had never dreamed of a second chance
Jesus showed himself to the disciples several times over the nextforty days One morning as he sat with seven of them Jesus saidto Peter ldquoDo you love me more than theserdquosup2sup2
American English is limited in that we use one word for loverelying on inflection and context to fill-in-the-blanks The ancientlanguages of the Bible were more specific Jesus was asking ldquoDoyou love me dearly more than these other disciples do Do youlove me now with total commitment and devotionrdquo
62
If life is a pass-
fail test with
God Peter
failed
ldquoA curse on me if Irsquom lying I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Immediately the rooster crowedagain
Before the rooster crows Before the
Having once said he would not deny Jesus even if everyone elsedid Peterrsquos pride was tested Understanding clearly that the Lordknew him better than he knew himself he may have been afraid toanswer Perhaps he doubted his capability to love like he had beencertain he could
He said ldquoYou know that I love You with a deep personal affectionas for a close friendrdquo
ldquoThen feed my lambsrdquo Jesus told him restoring Peter to hispreaching and teaching ministry
Jesus repeated the question ldquoSimon son of John (as Peter was alsoknown) do you love me dearly more than these others do withtotal commitment and devotionrdquo
Peter stood by his original friend-type answer
ldquoThen take care of my sheeprdquo
Suddenly Jesus changed his question ldquoPeter do you love me witha deep personal affection as for a close friendrdquo
It is almost as if Jesus were questioning Peterrsquos truth-telling but doyou really Perhaps this is how Peter heard it Still torn up byshame and self-doubt his reply was emphatic ldquoYou knoweverythingrdquo
Jesus assured him in a perplexing way ldquoWhen you grow old youwill stretch out your hands and arms and someone else will dressyou and carry you where you do not wish to gordquo
63
To Peter this dire news meant that he would one day be the manhe wanted to become Unafraid to love Jesus with his whole hearthe would stare martyrdom in the eye and courageously accept thecost of following the Messiah
One can almost feel the relief that swept over Peterrsquos body makinghis arms limp and body sag Although scripture does not tell us Iimagine Peter weeping again this time in gratitude and relief
Jesus said ldquoFollow merdquo
Three years earlier Jesus had called to Peter to follow him theoriginal language meaning ldquoCome hererdquo Peter had enthusiasticallybecome a believer and devotee Why say it again
This time the word follow was an invitation to walk the same pathJesus had walked Peter had a quality decision to make He wasforgiven and grace welcomed him back Would he accept
Later Peter faced the council that had condemned Jesus to die Thiswas said of him ldquoThe members of the council were amazed whenthey saw the boldness of Peterhelliprdquosup2sup3 Yes Peter accepted and so canwe Our failures or missteps do not determine our value
Paul reflected on why God houses his great power in humanbelievers calling us ldquofragile clay jarsrdquosup2⁴
Fragility with clay feet like Peterrsquos helps to keep us from theextreme conclusion that we are wiser than God becoming big-shotsforgetting that all good and perfect gifts are from the DifferenceMakersup2⁵ who loves us with an everlasting love
64
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord Irsquom standing at the crossroads
and looking asking for the ancient
paths asking where the good way is
so I can walk in it You promise it is
there that I will find rest for my soul
Guide me Lord Amen
Based on Jeremiah 616
66
Practical Exercise 5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
67
Keep
working
68
Next know when to say yes for a most-fulfilling life
Knowing what is of utmostimportance to you will helpprevent misdirected drive
1 Take time to list all yourcurrent obligations This willinclude family friends jobfinancial expenditures physicalhealth mental health spiritualgoals what God has asked ofyou and anything that youmust finish
2 Look realistically at theabove Is there anything thatdoes not fit within your daily
availability finances emotionalenergy or physical capabilities
3 Is there anything you canremove from this list Ask forGodrsquos wisdom
What remains are your yesses
With rare exceptions everythingelse is a no Each time you agreeto secondary activities expensesor obligations you are trading-in and saying no to something(or someone) you more highlyvalue
Making new
obligations
copyNancy Virden 2012
Popularity spending
more money
entertainmenthellip
6Hopelessness
Some thoughts No win is possible Nothing can improve These losses are too heavy with only more to come God
cannot stand me anymore My family is better off without me I am a burden Everyone else is happier I cannot
fight the pain anymore Irsquom done
True hopelessness has no sense of humor It is scary and
overbearing on each minute of the day It is not somewhat hopefullike when a possibility is unlikely it is devoid of any expectationsfor good now or in the future Abject hopelessness can be fatal
This fact drives the passion behind me and many ministries andservices trying to spread another message what seems like an endis a faccedilade fakery 0ptions are only hidden in the darkness hope isalways present even when we temporarily cannot see it
If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is call
Nothing in this book is to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care
US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis text line- Text ldquoHELLOrdquo to 741-741
For other international hotlines go here
If you are suicidal with a plan immediately call 911 in the US (112 in the
EU) or go to your nearest emergency room
69
The Real
I am a suicide attempt survivor One cannot climb out of that airlesspit without having learned new ways to breathe
Only a few days after leaving the hospital I attended the PartialHospitalization Program (PHP) suggested by my doctors There apotent weapon to use against suicidal thoughts came from anunlikely source
The scene was a small room intended for about fifteen peoplecrowded instead with twenty-five or more who were scrambling forchairs A few chatting voices exposed the general climate ldquoImheaded for rehab I just got back Im going to lose my job if Imiss any more workldquo
Most of us stared silently A single therapist managed to find spaceand called everyone to quiet
At his leading one by one people offered a number between 1-5rating the power of their suicidal thoughts Most chose 2 or 3 A fewof us with higher numbers were challenged to offer specific plansfor staying safe until the next day One man was sent back to thehospital
Then a woman spoke quietly A thought is just a thought I guesswe do not have to act on itldquo
I was stunned Her simple logic sounded profound to a braintangled in disorder and raging mood swings A thought ishellip only athought I tried to sort it out But how I feel now is how I willalways feelhellip
70
it differently but Iwill try to offer aglimpse into thatdark space
Alone in a pitch-black alley youcollapse to theground soundless
Unless you have been there it will be difficult to comprehend thegrueling emotions of a suicidal mindset Each person experiences
groans wrenching from deep within your torso
Thick briers and vipers pervade the trail that led you here Foryears you have navigated treacherous mountains of jagged rocksand falling boulders Your body is broken and bloodied
If you could or wanted to move the only way to continue yourjourney would be to grasp with ripped open hands the barbed wirefence by which you entered the alley place your torn feet on itsspikes and climb
Snarls in the blackness feel warm to your face A feral angry caninesnaps at you brushing your clothes with bared teeth Without fearyou sense it is a friend Its hungry jowls are only waiting for you todecide
As the only visible option outside of returning to the torture of whatcannot change the caninersquos guarantee is welcome hellip
Imagine then in that hopeless place hearing that the snarlingpromise is only a thought
71
The Difference Maker
It is the strangest thing When therapy started in 2011 I feltvulnerable like a toddler I could feel that inner child growing upto 6 10 then teen over the next months and years In my actualmid-fifties I declared my new 20 God gave me a chance toemotionally redo childhood safely this time while he re-parentedme with truth
What I had been so certain I could not live without never came tobe Some of the losses I feared have occurred Joy today comesfrom having rediscovered who our Creator intended me to becomePeace is from healing on the inside and finally having my hopewhere it belongs in the love of Jesus Christ
Pressure made it
nearly impossible
to breathe the
only air - leaking
from a cracked
sewer pipe
Marco was buried alive A wall of dirtand rock crashed over him forcinghis legs into a backward twist andlanding him head downwardPressure on his chest made it nearlyimpossible to breathe the only airavailable leaking from a crackedsewer pipe
The day passed as frantic rescueefforts continued Finally Marco waswhisked away to the nearest hospitalHe had been buried for eleven hours
Resulting physical disabilities make daily life challenging YetMarco has chosen contentment over bitterness Calm andcompassion have replaced old self-centered and impatient ways
72
The foundational extreme conclusion of hopelessness is thatnothing can change It may be true that our circumstances orrelationships will not change as we would like Perhaps it is we whocan change Maybe what we think we need for happiness is worthreconsidering
ldquoForget the former things do not dwell on the pastrdquo God saysldquoSee I am doing a new thing Now it springs up do you notperceive it I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in thewastelandsup1
My biggest leap toward a return to mental health was making awary deliberate decision to learn how to enjoy the life God gave tome Hope begins to appear when we choose to believe for it
The One who sees you
God loves you He cares about you He is not distant too busy ordistracted The LORD is close to the brokenheartedsup2 He whowatches over you will not slumbersup3
Hagar⁴ as an Egyptian slave pregnant and in a contentiousrelationship with the woman she served had run out of optionsShe ran away into the desert where the angel of the Lord met her
He said God was aware of her misery He promised she was havinga son who would be as free as a wild donkey⁴∙⁵ and the father ofmany nations
No doubt she carried deep longing for any future children to be freefrom slavery Reassured of her own future too she said ldquoYou arethe God who sees merdquo
73
As you walk secret trails through unwanted memories of shameand torment and you believe you are a waste of skin there isOne who knows you completely and loves
Overwhelmed in a desert of grief and questions seeing only moreloss in your tomorrows there is One who weeps with you whostands with you in broken-heartedness
He loves the child once so battered by other peoples sins He lovesthe adult in need of rescue from your own sins He sent his Son forboth and offers salvation and healing to each part of you
So when you believe there is no hope for change and everyonewill be better off without you there is One who sees hears knowsand loves
Go ahead ask him to meet you where you are He is the only Onewith the power to guide you through the next minute hour dayand year Reach out to Almighty God your Difference Maker
In your alley of hopelessness alonewhen fear of staying alive swampsyour mind and suicide seems theonly way out there is One who seesyou
Buried alive under mounds ofdespair and emptiness lying in thedark corner of a lifeless roomthere is One who hears your silentscreams and understands what youcannot speak
74
Dear child of God you are not failing him
which can come with depression From fellowship topersonal Bible study to a sense of Godrsquos love it was all missing
Of course at the time I had no idea of a physical cause for thisspiritual struggle It seemed my fault Abject lonelinesshopelessness a sense of worthlessness and guilt were what I knewPain Sorrow Torment Repeat
Occasional one-word whispered prayers lifted from my bed I criedfor what seemed like the absence of God
Then I saw Jesus There he stood in a mental picture a gift fromheaven He did not speak chase suffering away or take me to bewith him Unfelt he was only there with me in the dark I knewChrist Jesus never left
Relearning how to think resolving terrible situations physicalhealing of the brain these take a while God never walks away⁵His promises keep⁶ His love endures forever ⁷
Without a doubt the most significant lossand cause of grief as I struggled with severedepression was the inability to hear Godrsquosvoice I feared he would never speak to meagain that I had gone too far I feltspiritually dead
It was not true How can one be spirituallydead and care about it Typical experiencesaccompanying my Christian faith were outof reach due to cognitive and energy issuesand anxiety
75
1 Empathy2 Impulse Control3 Self-knowing Awareness
and Insight4 Fear Modulation5 Body Regulation6 Intuition7 Morality8 Emotion Regulation
1 Fear Processing2 Initiates the Fight Flight or
Freeze Response3 Emotional Learning4 Form Memories Related to
Intense Emotions Like Fear and Pleasure
5 Involved in Experiencing Anxiety
6 Reward ProcessingFigure 1
F U N C T I O N S
F U N C T I O N S
A few scientific facts (simplified so I can understand them) mayhelp clarify why spiritual vagueness might accompany depressionor anxiety
During an episode with depression the prefrontal cortex of ourbrain wrestles to varying degrees to function as normal Scans haveshown little activity there in a person with severe depressionResults may include impaired concentration confusion increasedimpulsivity mood swings heightened anxiety and a state offatigue
Our amygdala is also on overdrive so we are thrust into fightflight or freeze survival mode We may lose our ability to feelanything good
76
When a delivery is made to a wrong address everything in thepackage exists in full but is unavailable to the rightful owner Inthe same way while we are dealing with depression the advice torest in Godrsquos love know his joy and fill our minds with his peacelands at the wrong doorstep We have faith nevertheless there isno felt connection to him We do not experience God or lovingGod
With input running through this filter we may believe we arespiritual failures I am not good enough for God hersquos tired of meministry is over These thoughts are untrue and not how Godviews his dear children
Scripture shares testimonies of God meeting people at their pointsof need without chiding them Accounts of faith riding outdepression⁸ comfort after sorrow⁹ protection during panicsup1⁰good news calming anxietysup1sup1 and trust during hopelesssituationssup1sup2 are numerous In Elijahrsquos story alone we have abeautiful example of Godrsquos tenderness toward a deeply depressed
prophet who struggled with suicidal thoughtssup1sup3
your thoughts comings and goings motives and emotionssup1⁴ Heknows your complete story
Our Creator understands how the brain works Is God who notices
By restricting mental health challenges tothe realm of the spiritual or to the moralwe disregard the body and mind aspects ofour complete person
Look at your whole self as God does Hesees you and knows your name He knows
77
every sparrow that falls unaware of your confusionsup1⁵ Hispromises to turn all things out for our good and to grow our faiththrough trials do not imply quick work Be patient with yourselfOne day at a time as you are ready God will reveal what he wantsyou to know
If you cannot feel him while severely depressed he has not goneanywhere You are not failing the Difference Maker byexperiencing the painful emotion of hopelessness
God gives us people
Proverbs 1814-16 was written by King Solomon a champion ofseeking wise counsel It reads ldquoThe human spirit can endure insickness but a crushed spirit who can bear The heart of thediscerning acquires knowledge for the ears of the wise seek it outrdquo
Ultimately it is your and my responsibility to save our lives andescape hopelessness Like a child trying to lift a rock twice her sizewe are not using all our available strength if we do not turn to onewho is able to assist
The Difference Maker can lead us to people he has gifted withknowledge and talent to help us with our specific needs
Family and friendsExpectations for support from family and friends might be a let-down Each of us only knows his own despondency and joysup1⁶
Just as we cannot fully understand how others feel or experiencelife loved ones and friends who genuinely care for our wellbeingdo not always know what to say or do when we express hopelessness
78
It is vital we understand this Otherwise in a fragile state we mightmisperceive their unhelpfulness or distance as lack of love
In their great fear of losing you or normalcy or withunsubstantiated guilt for your despair significant others may reactangrily in a controlling fashion or defensively Your calmestfriends might resort to platitudes and examples of when they weredepressed once and got over it quickly
Forgive them Tell them what you need Ask for what you need Letthem make mistakes We cannot mindread and presume to knowtheir motives either
Mental healthcare professionals
Most of us go to a mechanic to havesomeone with skill fix our car We wouldnot stay long if they started knitting newparts There is nothing helpful to gainfrom opinions without experience or
insight either
79
ldquoWalk with the wise and become wiserdquosup1⁷ Professional mentalhealth caretakers are available almost everywhere whether onlineover the phone or in person Licensing means they have receivedthe necessary training for walking people through uniquechallenges that present with mental illness personality and otherdisorders trauma addiction and relationship dynamics
Two terms frequently confused are psychiatrist and psychologistPsychiatrists are medical doctors (MD or DO) Like all medicalspecialists it is their job to assess symptoms and prescribe a course
80
of action Psychiatrists rarely offer psychotherapy (talk therapy)Office visits are usually about 15 minutes They prescribemedication based on revealed symptoms
Psychologists generally are talk therapists with a doctorate inpsychology (PsyDPhD) Sessions with clients typically run 50-60minutes These sessions may vary in style based on any givendoctorrsquos preferred approach Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)has statistically proven more effective for depression and anxietythan other therapy methods
Licensed therapists may practice within specialties such as traumaor addiction Common abbreviations you may have seen includeLMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist LPC (LicensedProfessional Counselor) LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)There are also LPAs (Licensed Psychological Associates) LifeCoach and Peer Support certificates do not include the advancedtraining required for most therapists unless the individual hassought those degrees as well
Christian counselors and pastorspriestsSome believers insist they must see a Christian counselor Thereare of course different perspectives to this
DW leads a ministry for pastors in need of mental health servicesHe said ldquoI would rather people see [a non-believer therapist] whoknows what he is doing than a Christian who does notrdquo
The titles Christian Counselor or Pastoral Counselor are not anautomatic assumption of extensive training Not everyone isequipped to use the Bible effectively for psychiatric or behavioralhealth issues
81
Because a woman advertised herself as a Christian counselor Iwent to see her Within three weeks I realized her version of faithwas the humanistic concept of a christ-within We are our ownsaviors and deity according to her No that is idolatry notauthentic Christian faith which acknowledges One God one Savior
Except for a single time I have sought licensed mental healthprofessionals who follow Jesus A secular psychiatrist was patientwith my faith until I mentioned hearing from God Then shethought I had lost touch with reality
Both the christ-within counselor and the psychiatrist were limitedbecause they could not understand the most important part of howI think Godrsquos Word is my guide honoring God is my highest goaland listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit is imperative
Your story is not over
Her tattoo seemed meaningless Whywould anyone want a semi-colon onher upper arm Years later I wear asemi-colon ring
As a punctuation mark the semi-colonis placed where a sentence could endbut the author decides to continue Forsuicide attempt survivors around theworld it is a symbol of choosing to liveout onersquos story after wanting to closethe book
Semi-colon commodities are shows of solidarity of hope and for
82
some a reminder We are making our stories known so you toowill realize that hopelessness does not define your futureRegardless of what you may feel hear us Your story is not over Itis time for a new chapter
Godrsquos plan for you
is not done
he has
much to show you
I am glad you are
alive God feels
that way about you
too
We found out it is
true our
lives are
not futile
Dear supports
Job (pronounced jobe) lived about 4000 years ago His story ispreserved in the Bible book titled with his namesup1⁸ Jobrsquosprosperity comfort and high standing role as judge and advisorwere unmatched
In one day Job lost about a third of his farm animals thousands ofthem to robbery and the rest about 7000 to fire Most of hisfarm hands were murdered by the robbers and his shepherds diedin the fire Only three men survived to tell Job what hadhappened
While Job reeled from this disastrous news a fourth man ran up
ldquoMasterrdquo the servant said ldquoyour sonrsquos house collapsed underpowerful winds All ten of your children were inside IhellipI am theonly survivorrdquo
Job sunk to the ground in a daze As was befitting such sadness inhis culture he shaved his head tore his clothes and sat in ashes
Soon he developed from head to toe a ldquoburning ulcerationrdquo of hisskin This illness commonly translated in the plural as boils issingular in the original Hebrew language in which it was recordedMost likely black leprosy swollen open sores turned all his skinblack and crusty until it eventually fell off Job scratched at intenseitching with a broken piece of pottery
His bones deteriorated Nightmares invaded his sleep Hestruggled to eat becoming gaunt and weak ldquoJust curse God anddierdquo his wife said in her own grief
83
People who used to look up to him now mocked him Young peopledared spit in his face The disease was contagious and incurable inJobrsquos time so even his servant responded only when Job begged Hewas humiliated and lonely
Stripped of everything three supports still managed to add to hissuffering
Jobrsquos friends came to visit as soon as they heard the news Shockedthey barely recognized him For seven days and nights they offeredthe kind of support we long for when feeling hopeless In silencethey sat nearby his suffering too great for words
Job spoke first Anguish poured from the pit in his belly Hequestioned the value of his life wondering why he had ever beenborn and why God would not let him die now
ldquoWhat I always feared has happened to me I have no rest onlytrouble comesrdquo he said
Immediately one agitated friend accused him of foolish talkdismissing his emotions as irrelevant compared to propriety
Each piled on
84
ldquoYou sound like a blustering windrdquo
ldquoListen God is doubtless punishing yourdquo
ldquoYour children must have sinned against him so their punishmentwas well deserved toordquo
Invalidation and judgment swallowed compassion whole Theycontinued their drivel ldquoWho are you to question Godrsquos wisdomYou need to be quiet and listen to us If you would only admit yoursin life would be happy againrdquo
In a cruel twist these arguments forced the one who was sufferingto defend his pain Instead of helping or comforting his friendsdragged fragile Job across the burning sands of rejectionfrustration and emotional abandonment
Dear supports learn from these men They were sorely wrong andGod said sosup1⁹
Why platitudes do not helpThe Great Physician and Counselor Jesus Christ heals with thethread of his Word He reaches for the darkest wounds in a humansoul and stitches them precisely and accurately one at a timeThere in the recesses the Word of God is counsel and lightsup2⁰
Three least helpful responses to someone feeling depressed orhopeless are anger and demand absence and fake cheeriness orplatitudes
Sharon inherited her childhood home and immediately tore downthe wall her mother used to bang her head against as a child
85
86
How can telling Sharon to forgive her mother take root if shame isall she has known Help her tear down the reminder wall first thenshe can stop staring at it and listen
Edward carries a full water bottle everywhere to subtly remindhimself he is not drowning when flashbacks threaten to send himinto a panic Why would the advice to have more faith encouragehim when he has never felt safe Give him water bottles first Asfear subsides he will hear the glad message
Aiesha carries a list of affirmations to read when her dadrsquosparalyzing voice creeps into her thoughts telling her she isworthless What will she do with promises of an identity in Christwhen she does not know what an identity is Fill Aiesharsquos emptylove tank first then her functioning heart can learn to see thedaughter God saw as he created her
Supports dare not try to rush the healing process by makingsomeone feel small and inadequate at feeling better Let us notdismiss the Difference Makerrsquos tender provision of patience andtiming
He has the wisdom and means to retrain a crippled thoughtprocess and belief system Meticulously and gently he cleans outand sews up layers of hurt and unhelpful thinking at a speed eachof his children can handle
Warning signs of suicide
From NIMHnihgovThe behaviors listed below may be signs that someone is thinkingabout suicide If these warning signs apply to you or someone youknow get help as soon as possible particularly if the behavior is newor has increased recently
Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill themselves Talking about feeling empty hopeless or having no reason to live Planning or looking for a way to kill themselves such as searching
for lethal methods online stockpiling pills or buying a gun Talking about great guilt or shame Showing despair or suicidal themes in original artwork or music Talking about feeling trapped or that there are no solutions Feeling unbearable pain (emotional pain or physical pain) Talking about being a burden to others Using alcohol or drugs more often Acting anxious or agitated Withdrawing from family and friends Changing eating andor sleeping habits Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge Taking great risks that could lead to death Displaying extreme mood swings from very sad to very calm
happy Giving away important possessions Saying goodbye to friends and family Putting affairs in order making a will
If you support a loved one or friend who struggles withhopelessness it is important to access resources andinformation Be prepared to support them well Gohere and here
87
Prayer to the Difference Maker
For the glory of your name
O Lord preserve my life
Because of your faithfulness
bring me out of this distress
Amen
Psalm 14311
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have the energy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeutic Even baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make your own
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that
Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list
Play music
Set the table
Take a shower
Sit with the family
Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today
Go for a walk with a person or your dog
Eat a healthy meal
Attend participate in a support group
Paint a picture or put a puzzle together
Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor
Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Practical Exercise 6 Live a little
89
Next allow hope
Think about your values as a guide Write downwhat is important to you and keep the list whereyou can see it Each day after you have a choicestick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
Lower your stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
For more ideas visit stress management here
90
Consider climbing these next few steps bottom to top in your search for professional help
If you are in crisis now do not wait Call 911 immediately or go toyour nearest emergency room
5 Feel free to switch You are doing
the hiring Find help not more confusion
1 Pray Ask the Difference Maker
to lead you to the right person Keep
praying even after you are in
sessions
4 Interview therapists Be specific
about what you need Ask a support to
do the interviewing for you if you are
not strong enough
3 Get recommendations for
therapists and doctors if possible
from believers of Jesus who have
received professional help Go here for
a reference page
2 Do not use stigma to
determine what method
of treatment will work
for you Listen to those
in-the-know
91
Envy secretly resents those who have what she wants Hence shecannot reflect the image of God who already owns everything Hehas no reason to envy
7Jealousy and Envy
Some thoughts Why canrsquot I have the family he does She has a dream job must be nice Hersquos had all the advantages I want my co-workerrsquos car Itrsquos not fair I want my wife here with me Who are these ldquofriendsrdquo he keeps talking about
Jealousy and Envy are notidentical Envy is the quiet sisterwhose eyes flit back and forthnever satisfied with who she isor what she has Hungry for theelusive she does not rememberher own blessings Her pursuitof happiness in a thing personor achievement focuses only onthe future
Twin sisters Jealousy and Envy are destructive to our
wellbeing They are intrusive obnoxious and interfere with ourpeace We do well to run the other way when we see these siblingscoming
92
The sister Jealousy robs people and atmospheres of joy Forinstance she might mumble ldquomust be nicerdquo if the object of herjealousy tries to share a happy story She complains bitterly
Jealousy acts possessively when someone she claims to loverefuses her control She makes threats and seeks vengeance Oftensuspicious energized by insecurity jealousy is nicknamed agreen-eyed monster for good reason
The Lord said this about himself ldquoDo not worship any othergod for the LORD whose name is Jealous is a jealous Godrdquosup1 Theword jealous in this verse in the original written language refersonly to God There is no resemblance to human jealousy which isseverely flawed
Godrsquos jealousy is holy He is jealous for us (not of us) because wegive our devotion to things that offer no hope He is not in a rivalryover our souls because he has no rival He is not jealous of anothergod because he is the Only True God He simply wants his people
to honor him to stay in the relationship
Unfortunately jealousy in the human form is unproductiveAccording to James ldquoWhere jealousy and selfish ambition existthere will be disorder and every vile practiceldquosup2 King Solomon alsowarned ldquoA heart at peace gives life to the body but envy rots thebonesldquosup3
Run for your life from the sisters
People are lost in the peripheral when we zero in on what theyhave Are we more drawn to the bling in a home or to the personwho invited us there
93
HumilityThe word humble means to dismiss self-reliance and become fully-dependent on God according to the original written language ofthe New Testament
Joe burned with anger so deep he thought it would kill him Hecried out to God for vengeance and relief from the cause of hispain The Holy Spirit nudged him toward humble willingnessFinally Joe prayed ldquoLord change merdquo
Do we hear what someone is saying or plot how to sound smarter
Are we glad for the friend who has what we want or do we sit backin bitterness
Jealousy and Envy isolate us emotionally keeping us too busycomparing to care Unable to give love fully we cannot receive it
either
Humility Willingness and Love are the Difference Makerrsquosbouncers ready to prevent thoughts of jealousy and envy fromovershadowing our joy
Like Joe humility takes responsibilityfor onersquos heart and refrains fromcasting blame everywhere else Joe washappy to discover his anger gonewithin a few days replaced by mercy
Humility gives us that freedom toexamine ourselves unafraid to setdenial aside Self-protection cannot
94
95
compare to Godrsquos great love Once aware of our need for mercy and his forgiveness we can offer it to others
Paul challenged his readers ldquoIn your relationships with oneanother have the same mindset as Christ Jesus Who being invery nature God did not consider equality with God something tobe used to his own advantage rather he made himself nothing bytaking the very nature of a servant being made in human likenessAnd being found in appearance as a man he humbled himself bybecoming obedient to death mdash even death on a crossrdquo⁴
Willingness is slippery It can be emotional and reactionaryreluctant and resigned or surrendered and devoted Willingness isproven by action
A man had two sons He went to the first and said ldquoSon go andwork today in the vineyardrdquo
ldquoI will notrdquo the boy answered Nonetheless he soon changed hismind and obeyed his father
The man went to his second son and requested he go to thevineyard to work This boy answered ldquoI will sirrdquo and never went
Jesus told the above parable⁵ to challenge stuffy holier-than-thoureligious leaders whose claims to know God were at odds with theirunacceptance of Godrsquos Son They were like the boy who said yesand did not follow through
Meanwhile societyrsquos unreligious outcasts were coming to JesusLike the first son they changed their minds and began doing whatthe heavenly Father asks of us
Love is described best in what many call The Love Chapter⁷ in theBible We learn first that love is kind Love celebrates with thosewho are glad and aches alongside people who are in sorrow⁸
We will never find the selfish sisters Jealousy and Envy trulysharing in a personrsquos joy Instead they smile and squeak out tersecongratulations while sincere love stands proud of theaccomplishments and blessings of others unafraid of their success
Neither do the sisters grieve for the sake of anotherrsquos heart Inworst case scenarios jealousy and envy are glad when people whoseem to have better lives suffer
Continuing with the definition of love we see it does not envy orboast it is not proud God said ldquoLet not the wise boast of theirwisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast oftheir riches but let the one who boasts boast about this that theyhave the understanding to know me that I am the LORD who
Thankfully the Difference Maker is working to change us from theinside-out to grow our willingness so we can join him in his goodpurposes⁶
96
exercises kindness justice and righteousness on earth for in theseI delightrdquo⁹
Love is not rude It respectfully honors others instead of focusing onselfish ambition Love always protects so gossip and assumptionsare not part of our conversations
Love is patient not easily angered It is not delighted with thefailings and miseries of people who do wrong so it does not compilebitter records Instead love trusts and hopes
Trust and hope are not the same as denial and duplicity Lovecelebrates all truth even uneasy truth Love perseveres but doesnot enable addiction abuse or other sins Real love is tough
Too often the term love is equated with sex or a temporary high ofdelight ldquoIf you love me yoursquoll sleep with merdquo is manipulative as isldquoif you make me happy I will love yourdquo These sentiments areproud dishonoring self-seeking unkind and unprotective
Love built on what is given to us or how someone makes us feelhas no foundation and teeters on whether we tire of the gifts andhow soon those warm fuzzy feelings wear off The love of God is notdependent on superficial beauty or favors His love never fails
Jesus said ldquoDo not love the world or anything in the world Ifanyone loves the world love for the Father is not in them Foreverything in the worldmdashthe lust of the flesh the lust of theeyes and the pride of lifemdashcomes not from the Father but from theworldrdquosup1⁰
Take those eyes off the world
97
Humility of attitude willingness to act and sincere love do notstare at what only might be
Picture a lawn overrun by weeds1 Humility realizes the lawn is not so beautiful and no bragging
rights are appropriate2 Willingness pulls the weeds3 It is love that kills the weedsrsquo roots and plants fresh seed
When those weeds growing in our thoughts are jealousy and envythe same principle applies
and lift toward heaven in gratitude for what God has so generouslygiven
Paul admitted ldquoAt one time we too were foolish disobedientdeceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures Welived in malice and envy being hated and hating one another Butwhen the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared he savedus not because of righteous things we had done but because of hismercyrdquosup1sup1
We have much for which to be thankful Gratitude is our escapefrom the sisters
The purveyor of love whose verynature is love the Difference Makerfills us with his perfect brand of loveWe lose the need to control or pursuepersons to drag love out of resistantrelationships or to chase after whatwe think might please us next Oureyes turn from what we do not have
98
100
Prayer to theDifference Maker
Thank You Jesus because you
died for everyone so that we
who receive your new life will
no longer live for ourselves I
want to be one who lives for
You Christ Jesus because You
died and were raised for me
Based on 2 Corinthians 15
100
Example Thought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social event learnto be a good friend Reach out to her in kindness
Do something of value to earn respect speak kindwords to and about him work on honest ways toimprove your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thank Godthose people are comfortable and not hungry orcold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to go outwith your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
Practical Exercise 7 Act Opposite
To keep jealousy and envy from overtaking your relationship withGod and thought life act opposite of how you feel Disappointmenttriggers jealous and envious thoughts What step can you take in theopposite direction
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Next do the amazing
What if you did something so shocking itamazes even you What if you went socounter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things
If you will do it this challenge will shake your world and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it more orto a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarranted criticismit is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of running woulda-if-onlyon a loop how about making the situation into a game
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
These ideas are radical Will you try
101
8Destructive Blame
Some thoughts My childhood was dysfunctional so I cannot succeed If it werent for so-n-
so I would be happy right now You make the decisions-it is your fault if I do not like them People make me lose my temper I will not trust God because church-goers
are hypocrites
Some thoughts My neighborrsquos dog bit me itrsquos my fault for
leaving the house My marriage might have worked if Irsquod done everything better My boss threw a clipboard
because I am a disappointment I should have been a better child and I would
not have been abused
Now we have met the sisters let me introduce the Destructive
brothers Blame and his other brother Blame These two arefishermen with strange styles
Blame 1 is a confused fishermanwho seems to miss the pointCasting generous portions ofblame in every direction it doesnot matter to him where itlands He does not fish with ahook It is not his intention tocatch anything that might endup back in his boat
102
Blame 1 had a difficult past and it is fair to empathize with thatHowever he will not review options He refuses to accept his powerto change His style of fishing is best described as cast cast andcast
Blame 2 is quirkier still He owns a boat but it is so full of catchesthat it will no longer float So he swims grabs what he can anddrags it back to shore
Trouble is he does not catch healthy fish but rather the blame hisbrother is doling out Blame 2 collects it stores it and never castsany of it away His style of fishing is collect whatever floats
Blame 2 has also had a tough life It is appropriate to care about hispains However like his brother Blame 1 he is not very open tochange
While toxic shame does not let go of mistakes destructive blame isabout shifting responsibility
Casting Blame
Casting blame transfers responsibility anywhere except on personalpoor choices This is frequently blatantly obvious
A man questioned a tax consultant about concerns related to his2020 stimulus check from the government He had left his first wifeand children and started a new family Where was his secondcheck ldquoDoesnrsquot the President know I have another family to careforrdquo
The tax consultantrsquos reply was crisp ldquoYou alone are responsiblehelliprdquo
103
Tam came to town for a funeral and claimed to be low on cash Wewere strangers and seeing her plight I invited her stay in myhome for two to three days One week later with a days-longheadache and nerves already jumping over the edge I dropped heroff at the airport
Decades ago she had moved several states away from her familyOn her first visit in years she screamed obscenities at them overher phone for hours a day This was only a few feet from my homeoffice hence the headache She spread lies among her relatives tome to a mutual friend and to my pastor
What I heard was her avoiding responsibility Casting blame feelsgood in the moment because it instantly relieves shame andaccountability It is not sustainable
Casting blame
is an efficient
means of
skipping
guard duty
over onersquos
wellbeing
One reason casting blame is depressive isthat the blamer must work harder andharder at rationalizing or denyingpersonal mistakes and wrongdoingsDepression perhaps is no surprise when apattern of bold-face lying becomes tooheavy a load
Blame conveniently pushes the burden ofchange elsewhere A blamer can rest inthe familiarity of pain although it is theirchief complaint In this way castingblame is an efficient means of skippingguard duty over onersquos wellbeing
104
ldquoFools make fun of guilthelliprdquo King Solomon wrotesup1 John explains
ldquoIf we claim we have no sin we are only fooling ourselvesrdquosup2
Waiting for the world to adjust to our wishes shields us fromseeing flaws in our attitude and behavior This is what blame doesform a blinder around our minds until we are barely free tounderstand the truth
Like Blame 1 cannot leave his boat casting blame keeps us stuck
Blaming GodHigh School senior Jarrad sees himself as a class clownconsistently and excessively talking throughout his classes both in-person and online until everyone is laughing His online teachers
try muting him and he resorts to physical antics
With his screen darkened toother students Jarrad texts themduring class Finally theprincipal steps in with a warningstop it or earn suspension
Jarradrsquos behavior does notimprove One month later hereturns to class with moredisruptive hilarity often at theexpense of teachers
His parents are aware and havedealt with their son However they work all day and Jarrad shrugsoff their discipline Expulsion is the last resort What other optionsremain for the school
105
Jarradrsquos refusal to change his rebellious ways eventually bringsabout his separation from those who try to help The schoolsystem teachers principal and Jarradrsquos parents have notabandoned him While leaders give him multiple opportunities tomaintain his education Jarrad will not have it
God does not throw us away either We have the power to detachfrom him and his influence at great personal cost Our insistence onrebellion weakens the relationship and eventually separates usfrom him Our sins hide his face so that he will not hearsup3
All too often ldquoa personrsquos own foolishness leads to their ruin yettheir heart rages against the Lordrdquo said Solomon⁴ Blaming Godfor difficulties resulting from our poor decisions is futile⁵ Ourungodly desires (thoughts) entice and drag us into sinful acts If weallow sin to blossom and grow large in our life it gives birth todeath⁶ Relationships occupations reputations opportunities andlives are at risk
God disciplines us for our good⁷ Like a child who learned in theprincipalrsquos office not to throw an eraser at her teacher a secondtime (excuse me while I clear my throat) if it takes hardship to getour attention he will allow it This kind of pain is a blessingbecause in his patience he never stops calling us or loving us backto life Solomon wrote ldquoDo not be upset when he corrects you Forthe LORD corrects those he lovesrdquo⁸
Our choices affect other peopleJarradrsquos regular interruptions slow classes down affect theauthority of teachers and frustrate serious students His expulsionis in part for the sake of everyone elsersquos education
106
Godrsquos hand of discipline on our heads may be for the protectionand blessing of other people too Rebellion hurts our parentsrsquofeelings⁹ Acts of foolishness harm societysup1⁰
The commandments to not commit adultery murder steal andthe restsup1sup1 are summed up in ldquoLove your neighbor as yourselfrdquosup1sup2
Love does no harmsup1sup3
Our choices affect our blessingsIf I pray for you to be blessed I am asking God to show you hisdivine favor Blessed is often equated with happiness contentmentor joy
Jarrad is missing out on a good education that we all know wouldgrant him more options in the future In a similar way we take apass on the greatest blessings from heaven by choosing to focus ontemporary feel-good moments Selfishness never fulfills us
The Bible says ldquoBlessed are thosehelliprdquo bull who are poor in spirit (devoid of spiritual arrogance)bull who grievebull who are gentlebull who hunger and thirst for integrity purity and rightness of
thinkingbull who are mercifulbull who are the peacemakersbull who are persecuted for righteousness sakesup1⁴bull who are kind to the poorsup1⁵bull who are not offended by Jesussup1⁶bull whose disobedience is forgivenbull whose lives are lived in complete honestysup1⁷bull whose hope is in the Lord their Godsup1⁸
107
Our choices affect spiritual productivity and growthJesus compared himself to a grapevine God the Father to agardener and us to branches God prunes that is trims backspiritually healthy branches so they will produce even morespiritually healthy fruitsup1⁹
Sometimes this process stings although there is no fear ofcondemnationsup2⁰ God is developing in us in increasing measurehis loving practicessup2sup1
Like a tree or grapevine what we produce will prove our natureWe know Jarrad is not exemplifying personal honor or concern forothers If he allows God to change his thinking he will still struggleto win back peoplersquos trust and supportsup2sup2
Goodness
Trutha tree of life
saving lives
Patience
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Testimony
Spiritually healthy fruitsup2sup3
108
Our choices affect our eternal reward
The Olympics were a big deal in ancient Greece where they firstorganized the competition Winners received crowns made fromplants Of course these shriveled up quickly
Paul spoke of a crown that will notwither Comparing the games and victorycrowns to a spiritual race he said ldquoTheydo it to win a prize that will fade awaybut we do it for an eternal prizerdquosup2⁴
The crown of life is the reward that Godhas promised to those who love himsup2⁵Paul says ldquoI press on to reach the end
of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God throughChrist Jesus is calling usrdquosup2⁶
Bearing in mind all the self-destructive choices we make why dowe blame the Difference Maker when life does not meet ourexpectations
Collecting misdirected blame
Straight up let us admit that innumerable circumstances andconsequences causing our suffering are the fault of others Thisincludes terrible acts people commit against us and how we feelemotionally or physically at that moment
We develop false guilt by accepting accountability for events out ofour control Once an adult what we choose to take in is up to usWe are not helpless
109
A tyrannical boss catches every one of his personal assistantrsquosmistakes and invents a few too He enjoys verbally abusing Mari byberating and mocking her in front of other employees He does nothave to accept responsibility for his decisions gone wrong becauseof his convenient scape goat
Facing this each day creates an atmosphere in which Mari begins toquestion herself Maybe I am clumsy and nit-witted I did notremember to fetch the folder he demanded I misspelled a clientrsquosname
Often misdirected blame is dotted with just enough truth to makeit difficult to weed out
Mari did make a mistake TrueShe has made more than one mistake TrueShe is accused of other mistakes TrueShe is responsible for anything beyond her actual mistakes FalseShe blames herself for her bossrsquos discomfort This is false guilt
AbuseAbuse is taking advantage of someone who is physicallyemotionally psychologically intellectually or in some way unableto stop the abuse In Marirsquos case at first she is unable to stop theverbal abuse because she would lose her job
A woman like Mari who is beginning to believe she is worthy ofharsh reprimand needs some psychological support to recognizethe manipulative lies of her boss She is too full of self-doubt tomeaningfully stand up for herself
Every form of abuse is about power and control Abusers blame lie
110
111
and manipulate to gain and maintain control over their target Asconsummate actors their public appearance is misleading Ifcaught or accused they know how to cry or they cry because theyare not getting their way In religious settings they know thelanguage of the faith and will use it to sound repentant Apologiesare unspecific unless they parrot the accuser
HumiliationPutting down your partner Calling your partner names Constant criticisms Making your partner feel like they are crazy or guilty Humiliating your partner in front of people Embarrassing your partner
Power and
Control
IntimidationYelling or screaming Using a threatening tone Talking down Threatening to hurt yourself or your partner Making your partner feel afraid Tearing up pictures Smashing gifts Destroying objects Slamming doors Throwing things
Treating your partner like a baby
property or servant Making all of the decisions
Having expectations that no one can meet Controlling who
your partner sees or spends time with Setting all the rules in the
relationship
Domination ThreatsSaying you cannotlive with your partner Telling your partner you will leave them somewhere if they do not do what you say Constantly threatening to find someone else Saying yoursquoll commit suicide of you break up
Sexual Abuse
Bragging about your sexual relationship
Making comparisons Flirting to make your partner
jealous Using drugsalcohol to get sex Pressuring your partner
Using emotional abuse to coerce sex Rape
Physical AbuseHolding your partner so they cannot
leave Slamming them intosomething Hiding your partnerrsquos
bruises Grabbing Slapping Hitting Shoving Punching
Kicking Poisoning Drugging
Minimization and Blame
Possessiveness Using jealousy as a sign
of love Accusing your partner of cheating on you Not letting your partner have other friends
Telling your partner how to think dress and act
Not accepting responsibility for your actions Making a
joke when you hurt your partner Telling or showing
your partner everything is their fault Acting like
abuse is ok in the relationship
Every form of
abuse is about
power and
controlhellip Abusers
make their
decision to abuse
Period
In this secret climate misdirected blame is part of the abuse Thespoken or unspoken threat is that the target will look like a liar ifthe truth comes out
Sadly it happens This is one of many complicated reasons targetsmay not leave their abusers soon or at all
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation go to thislist to find help
Make true and empowering statements
Create personal statements Examples
A I cannot control what other people choose to say or do It is notmy job to fix every circumstance
112
Abuse is always yes always thefault full responsibility and sin ofthe abuser
Gross misrepresentations of anabuse victimrsquos role are spoken inignorance He should have foughtback She wasnrsquot dressed rightHe pushed her buttons She wasnagging him He should have metcurfew She shouldnrsquot havemouthed off
Abusers make their decision toabuse Period
B I refuse to carry blame for the crime committed against me ormy family Only the criminal did wrong I did what I was capable ofdoing in the moment which is the best anyone can do in anysituation
C I will not take on the burden of guilt for my friendrsquos addiction Icannot save or fix her No one can She is responsible for seekinghelp and not just begging me for money or a place to stay
D I do not accept the abusers lies that I brought on the abuse Iwill not hate the child or victim-adult I once was for allowing whatI had no power to stop
Whether casting blame or collecting misdirected blame the optionto reach out for fresh perspective and guidance from the DifferenceMaker is always available
The brothers Blame never consider this
And a-fishinrsquo they go
113
Proverbs 205
Prayer to the Difference Maker
The purposes of a personrsquos heart
are deep waters
but one who has insight
draws them out
Please Lord I need your insight
to draw out my motives and
the deep injuries of my soul
so I can understand and change
Based on Proverbs 205
Practical Exercise 8 Find harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time to
study their companion and without criticism show appreciation forthe good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God for whatyou have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blame payattention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize everyone including yourself hasmade mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive as much asGod has forgiven you
This Or This
115
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stoppinganother person (we have no controlover them) Boundaries are about whatwe allow into our circle
Do the following exercise then createyour own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo
4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leave responsibilityfor his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for the consequences oflosing them
What about a situation in your life
Next draw a circle around yourself
116
9Perceived
Dependency Some thoughts If no one pushes me I cannot succeed He says he loves me after he hits me and I cannot be without
him This has been a tough day already I need a drink Irsquoll feel happy only if this job interview goes my way His
approval keeps me going Shersquoll leave if I do not stay sick
Dear Creeper
You are my perceived dependency You have toyed withme since I was young I played the game of hide andseek innocently believing you and the powerful forcesthat drove me to you were normal and right I did notunderstand you are a creeper
Your presence seemed a kind gift an experience forwhich I was grateful Slow and sure you built a templefor yourself in my brain
One day I witnessed the ruin of another of yourconfused devotees and began to fear you Confidencegrew in my power to go on alone Nonetheless yourcajoling stirred memories of when we first met andsoon your promises of the hour defeated caution
I
cared
only
for
how
you
made
me
feel
117
Your lies were soft and comfortable Eventually I believedeverything you offered for my protection No one could persuademe you were not my best friend
Remember how I used to panic when you were not in sightVigorous denial kept me from seeing what was happening I caredonly for how you made me feel
Oh but I see you now my enemy Perceived Dependency youhave never been a friend Joining hands with you in my destructionwas a game of Russian Roulette with unpredictable consequences
So-called dependency was but another deception I could have beenfree To be honest until now you have been my choice I amchanging my mind
You see there is someone real taking your place He is theDifference Maker the Highest Power who is always for me andnever against me
I could say itrsquos not you itrsquos me but this breakndashup is all aboutrunning away from you and into the arms of God
Goodbye from Not-Your-Victim
Co-dependent
Eating Disordered
Money-hungry
Etcetera
Defeatist
118
Stone and wood statues all over the world are praised and offeredgifts to appease whatever god they represent That is literal idolworship Jesus expanded the concept to include anything thatstands between us and full devotion to the One True God An idolthen is anything or anyone we think we cannot live without otherthan God
Perceived dependencies are our masters Not only are they a typeof idol but they are also futile No person can meet all our needsNo substance satisfies for long Compulsions heap unhappyconsequences on an already stressful life Obsessions overrulegood judgment Yet we obey them when they call
Perceived dependency unloads barrels of disappointment on thehuman spirit We create mental scenarios of rescue and if onlydelusions Who will make me happy What will bring relief Weare completely at the mercy of our perceived dependencies unlesswe take our power back
A perceived dependency is theact of giving our power freely toan outside force that once givensuch authority becomes ourmaster source motivation andexcuse
Nothing is easy about aperceived dependency NothingDay to day life is complicated bymaneuvers around the belief thatwhat we need most is missing
Our masters
119
Evie lives in denial As a heroin addict her behaviors are morepredictable than she is aware She is a sweet daughter and lovingmother when sober When she is using everyone runs for coverHer language is vile and abusive She tries to manipulate herdaughter for money
Only one year ago Evie graduated from long-term residentialtreatment She held down a job and visited with her youngchildren She did not separate herself from old companions andsadly relapse came as no surprise to her hopeful and wary familyEvie sacrifices for her obsession all that makes life worth livingcausing great pain in her wake
Evie and Tony
Tonyrsquos longing for love and overwhelming fear of rejection haswelded his self-made cage shut He leans heavily on his wife toreassure him with constant agreement Opposing opinionsthreaten his sense of security so he never asks for her realthoughts
His perceived dependency is the submission of his wife and otherswhile he takes no emotional risks It is clear in this scenario Tonysold his personal power at the cost of true love His wife is captivealso if she plays by his rules
The sad chaos of Eviersquos and Tonyrsquos lives is whythe words of the prophet Isaiah make senseHe said we feed on ashes by looking to an idolto meet our needs A deluded heart misleadsus To our detriment we fail to question ldquoIsnot this thing in my right hand a lierdquosup1
120
Then there is Rhona
Lifting her head from the toilet and sinking to the all too familiarfloor Rhona knew her eating disorder owned her and could endher life She was desperate for freedom
Someone introduced her to a 12-step program of recoveryThough a meeting was an hour away Rhona determinedly andfaithfully traveled to join-in Older members supported herthrough tears and triumph Eventually she had her life back
She does not consider herself free to eat whatever she wantsInstead she is free to choose carefully what will keep her healthyNo longer do certain foods send her spiraling because she avoidsthem completely She will carry safe foods with her to familygatherings and other events
Rhona is not a compulsive dieter her choices are a matter of lifeand death Thirty years later after entering recovery she stillattends meetings
Dr Rhona Epstein became one of the very few experts in foodaddiction and serves as a psychologist helping as many as she canHer book Food Triggers is beneficial to any one of us whostruggle with compulsive behaviors around food
Any willingness to be open to a spiritual
solution is a start -Dr Epstein
121
My son finally convinced me to watchthe Marvel series All of it I havelearned that imaginary superheroesstruggle to learn how and when to usetheir power
Decision-making is not so simple for useither Opting to break away from aperceived dependency is not asstraightforward as Captain Americatossing his shield at a villain andknocking him flat
Yes God has graciously created us with the remarkable power ofchoice Why do we so often risk its loss
It is doable Remember intent does not mean instant success Thefirst step each day is the main one
Have you survived difficult challenges If yes why not againHave other people recovered Why not you
Superpower
Each of us is gifted with a superpower Do the following fivequotes by Jesus reveal it to you
ldquoIf you wanthelliprdquo sup1∙⁵ldquoAnyone who chooseshelliprdquo sup2 ldquohellipif you do not believehelliprdquo sup3ldquoIf you hold to my teachinghelliprdquo ⁴ldquohellipyou were not willingrdquo⁵
122
Relapse
The difference between Evie Tony and Rhona is that Rhonalearned to wield her power of choice in her favor Ask anyone withbroken chains freedom requires complete honesty support andconnection to strength greater than ours
Some say relapse is inevitable No but it is common We return toold destructive habits when we have not permanently structuredour goals around something more meaningful I relapsed with myeating disorder with a long list of excuses My health coachreminds me to see recovery as an investment in what I want toachieve
Ultimately it is finding and living in purpose that brings joy Withwhat will we fill your lives so our obsessions no longer have roomin our heads
Surrender
I mentioned to a woman with a secular belief system that it is aprivilege to be used by God Her negative reaction makes sensebecause my word choice ldquoused byrdquo was skewed
It is fairer to say I am one of Godrsquos volunteers among many Noneof us have had our will removed By faith and experience we knowhis ways are best The more we grasp that the more we want to dofor him Herersquos the clincher we love him because he loves us Yesit is a privilege and source of joy when the Difference Maker worksthrough us to help others in some way
Surrender comes with the understanding that God has more than
123
single personrsquos best interests in mind In that regard he asks usto extend his mercy love and truth when we might rather sit athome in comfort
Should we say yes we will find he is working everything out forour good too In his will (as discussed in chapter 2) weexperience deep satisfaction As always the Difference Makerrsquosapproach is more profound and effective than the worldrsquos wisestphilosophies⁵∙⁵
The complete Serenity Prayer famous for the shortened versionused in 12-step groups points to such surrender
God grant me the SerenityTo accept the things I cannot changeCourage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the differenceLiving one day at a time
Enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardship
As the pathway to peaceTaking as He did
This sinful world as it is Not as I would have itTrusting that He will Make all things right
If I surrender to His willThat I may be
Reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him
In the next Amen
124
125
But God
Accounts throughout the Bible of Gods interactions with humansprove he is the Highest Power At the end of their resourcespeople saw God change everything
The entire earth flooded But God remembered Noah ⁶
Jacobrsquos boss cheated him ldquoBut God has seen your abuserdquo ⁷
Josephrsquos brothers sold him ldquohellipbut God intended it for goodrdquo ⁸
King Saul hunted him down hellipbut God [helped him escape]⁹
People tried to kill Paul But God has protected me sup1⁰
Epaphroditus was ill and almost died But God had mercy onhimsup1sup1
Jesus was nailed to a cross But God raised him from the dead sup1sup2
We are lost for eternity But God demonstrates his own lovehellipsup1sup3
Apostles hadhellip fears within ldquoBut Godhellip comforted usrdquosup1⁴
Helplessness is not always a fact it is a belief Through JeremiahGod said ldquoIf you wanted to return to me you could You couldthrow away your detestable idols andstray away no morerdquosup1⁵ He knowshow much power is available to us ifwe will ask
126
Surrender to the will of God is ultimately the cure to compulsiveaddictive behaviors That does not mean it is easy nor does itguarantee no relapses Jesus said ldquoIt is not the healthy who needa doctor but the sickldquosup1⁶ He is our healer perhaps we do well tofollow his prescription
Let us remember together whatever condition we are in howeverdeeply we are stuck in perceived dependency we do not actuallyneed the person activity substance or compulsion we are focusedon to survive or thrive Our dependence is but a perception Wecan depend on and trust the Highest Power
Whom have I in heaven but youAnd earth has nothing I desire besides you
My flesh and my heart may failbut God is the strength of my heart
and my portion foreversup1⁷
ldquoBut Godhelliprdquo
Recommended
The Life Recovery Bible is special It is the Holy Bible in its entirety with sidebars relating specific scriptures to
recovery These address emotional issues trauma support and much more In addition the Life Recovery
Journal takes the reader through the 12-step process
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Please keep me from deliberate
sins Donrsquot let them control me
Then I will be free of guilt and
innocent of great sin
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you O LORD my
Rock and my Redeemer
Psalm 1913-14
128
128
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsessionTake this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a
dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
Practical Exercise 9 Now What
Spell it out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write outall it has stolen and what freedom will bring This is about you notcasting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praise andgratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is to a realGod who will not only see what you write but who knows your heart
Write a letter (or letters) to yourperceived dependency Do not mail it ifit is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Rome isdirectly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them I highlyurge you to take it in
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
129
Next find a strong
support system
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over time whois healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability to hold yourconfidences Watch them with other people Choose friends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who have seen yourstruggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
130
10Fear
Fear leads to depressive thinking when we give it authority Fear
develops under a threat real or perceived to our wellbeing or thewellbeing of another person
As a mere emotion fear is not a sign of weak character nor does itsignal failure of faith The bravest people are those who feel fearand face it even in small ways Courage is measured by genuineeffort not success or the size of payout Baby steps toward facing
or overcoming any fear are indeed applaudable steps
Some thoughts I promised to attend the meeting but since Irsquoll make a fool of myself Irsquom not going There is no way to know if I can stay safe I do not like people different from me Things are going to get worse Irsquom sure he hates me
131
Not every courageous person looks like one
Examples of couragebull Elderly people venturing out despite impatient drivers and
ridiculous younger people talking down to thembull Children returning to the same school each day where they are
taunted or bulliedbull Families of faith around the world persecuted by authoritiesbull People in suicidal despair reconnecting with living
bull Those living with disabilitybull Those going to work with anxiety migraines fatiguehellipbull Women who leave abusive homes and often face judgmentbull The caretaker of elderly parentsAnd the inspirational list goes onhellip
Facing fear is a choice that mimics the life of our Saviorsup1 Heloved (far) beyond his comfort zone The author of Hebrewswrote rdquoConsider him who endured such opposition from sinnersso that you will not grow weary and lose heartrdquosup2
132
God chooses unlikely heroes
Abigail⁵ was beautiful and intelligent Marriedwhether by choice or arrangement we do not knowher role was to manage her wealthy household withits many servants and obligations serve herhusband Nabal and presumably have his children
Nabal wise in his own eyes and not in many otherswell lived up to his name which meant fool Filledwith greed his harsh demeanor in business and athome proved his self-centeredness No doubt heenjoyed his meanness and the fear of those aroundhim
He
adds
ldquoI am
with
yourdquo
and
stays
God does not whip out a chill ldquodonrsquot be afraidrdquo anddisappearsup3 He adds ldquoI am with yourdquo⁴ and staysBrave people learn from their less-than-bravemistakes (we have all done them) With him at ourside we move forward following the DifferenceMakerrsquos plan for overcoming fear
In those days (about 1100 BC) sheep and goats were money andoften stolen Soon to be king warrior David was on the run fromhis insanely jealous father-in-law King Saul David and his armyof six-hundred men earned what they needed to survive byprotecting the livestock of various towns and farms
It was customary and expected for wealthy landowners to offerprovisions to such protectors Nonetheless when David sent themessage to Nabal ldquoPlease give your servants whatever you canfind for themrdquo only insults were returned
David was ready to end such insolence and with 400 armed menheaded for Nabalrsquos home to kill him and all the males who livedthere
A shepherd ran to Abigail to report this He said ldquoNabal is such awicked man that no one can talk to him Please do what you canrdquo
133
Abigail quickly loaded donkeyswith meat bread wine grainraisins and pressed figs Servantsdelivered them to David
Going against her churlishhusbandrsquos wishes certainly wouldhave brought down his wrath hadshe been caught She risked her
life by confronting angry warriors intent on revenge
David responded to her pleas for mercy thanking her He saidldquoPraise be to the LORD the God of Israel who has sent you today
134
to meet me May you be blessed for your good judgment and forkeeping me from bloodshed this dayrdquo
As an unlikely hero Abigail saved an unknown number of livesThe brave shepherd who informed her shared in the heroism Thenext day when she told Nabal of the drama his heart failed himand he died
God specializes in choosing unlikely people for courageous deedsA few examples among many include an orphan girl-turned queenwho saved her nation (Book of Esther) a child who spoke hardtruth to power (1 Samuel 3) a young slave girl who approached aprincess (Exodus 21-10) and uneducated fishermen who broughtthe gospel to the world though they lost their lives over it(Matthew 418-22)
Despite initial misgivings these people had to decide what kind ofperson they wanted to be One way to face our fears is to answerthe same question
Consider the life and mission of each of the following people Howdo you think they answered the question What kind of person do Iwant to be
Will I risk everything Hee Jinrsquos Grandmother in North KoreaWill I choose life Nick VujicicWill I hold out Irena SendlerWill I let go Elisabeth ElliotWho do I want to face in the mirror tomorrow Dobri DobrevHow will I respond to my greatest regret Victoria RobinsonWill my legacy point to life Jason ReidWill my example set a helpful precedent Marie Meggs
135
Will I believe what I cannot yet see Jo Ann RobinsonWill I keep my eyes on things of Heaven instead of on things ofearth Jessie TendayiWill I come back to God and ask for help when I fail miserablyJim Wahlberg
ldquoWe are having a physical experience in a spiritual worldrdquo ndash Author unknown
Satan distorts and disrupts the truth in attempts to steer us fromGod Human experience is a catalyst for such trickery becausewhat we see and feel seems more real than an invisible God Is heinconceivable though
His power is evidenced in nature⁶ His love has redeemedcountless lives Millions testify to his personal presence We seeGodrsquos promises always come to pass whether spoken throughprophets or other scriptures⁷ We witness his sovereigntythroughout history
Stout faith lets go of control and chooses to obey the proven Godwho shows himself real only to those with the spiritual eyes tosee⁸ In his wisdom he made it impossible for science or
The Difference Maker offers safety in his shelter
philosophy to prove his existence to closedminds⁹ Although faith is not blind it is notsight eithersup1⁰ Faith is the evidence of whatwe do not seesup1sup1
Godrsquos shelter unlike an umbrella or a treenever fails
Towers in fortressed cities ofbiblical times provided safetywhen enemies attacked In ourspiritual battles Godrsquos shelter isthe hiding place
The key is to stay there Psalm 91says to live in his shelter - spendour time there Then he hides usin his shadow as if we were in atower of refuge
This Psalm also tells us what wedo not have to fear
1 Satanrsquos bait setting plot trap (The fowlerrsquos snare)
2 Pandemic disease (Deadly pestilence)3 Dread and the object of dread (Terror of night)4 Seemingly random attacks or dangers coming from
all around deeply personal attacks (Arrows fly by day)5 Disease pandemic that walks about in trouble and in
spiritual unreceptiveness (Pestilence stalking in the dark)6 Destruction coming from violence and devastation in
the middle of the day or in the bright of happiness(Plague that destroys at midday)
7 Wicked people (Lion)8 The Devil (Serpent)
In distress of any kind he rescues us or arms us for the battleWhat is left to fear If God is for us who can be against ussup1sup2
136
We still want to hide from time to time Aloneness is notintrinsically unhealthy Jesus taught But when you prayhellipshutthe door behind youhellipsup1sup3
It is the fear that locks us in that paralyzes the life we wantRemember the Difference Maker sets us up with everything weneed for faith courage and victory In all circumstances we candeclare as King Solomon did ldquoThe name of the LORD is a fortifiedtower the righteous run to it and are saferdquosup1⁴
ldquoFinally be strong in the Lord and in hismighty power Put on the full armor ofGodhelliprdquosup1⁵
Paul used a symbolic reference thepeople of his day would haveunderstood the armor of a Romansoldier Comparing physical war tospiritual ones he first describes whywearing Godrsquos armor is necessary
One our struggle is not against peoplebut against the devil and his spiritualforces of evil Two when we are harassedfor our faith we will resist and standsup1⁶
Wearing Godrsquos armor is a decision wemake each day in faith bearing in mindthe vital meaning of each piece
The Difference Maker offers safety in his armor
137
The Belt of Truth ldquoStand firm then with the beltof truth buckled around your waistrdquo The belt of aRoman soldierrsquos armor was more like a girdle andheld up the breastplate
What is truth Jesus said ldquoIf you hold to myteaching you are really my disciples Then you willknow the truth and the truth will set you freerdquosup1⁷Absolute truth does not change and awareness of itprotects us from lies that cause fear
The Breastplate of Righteousness ldquohellipwith thebreastplate of righteousness in placerdquo The Romansoldierrsquos breastplate held in place only once it wasupheld by the belt
What is righteousness Thinking and acting inways that honor God based on his instructionsthese are righteousness However no human effortalone measures up to Godrsquos holiness
Truth upholds our righteousness as it grows in alife with Christ His righteousness leads our wayinto Godrsquos favor There is no fear of punishment ifour faith is sincerely in the Saviorsup1⁸
Feet Fitted with Readiness ldquohellipand with yourfeet fitted with the readiness that comes from thegospel of peacerdquo Spikes covered the bottom ofRoman soldiersrsquo footwear for climbing over roughterrain and for digging into the earth keepingthem steadfast in hand-to-hand combat
138
What is the gospel of peace and how does it make us ready Thegospel is the good news of Jesus the Messiahsup1⁹ While we arealive there is work to finish Readiness to carry this gospel toothers is part of our victory over fear sup2⁰
Shield of Faith ldquoIn addition to all this take upthe shield of faith with which you can extinguishall the flaming arrows of the evil onerdquo A Romansoldier carried a large oblong four-corneredshield covering much of his body
What is faith It is more than believing in GodEven demons believe in God and shuddersup2sup1Faith is pure trust and confidence that Godmeans what he sayssup2sup2
Jesus said faith is like a tiny mustard seed whichbecomes the largest tree in the gardensup2sup3Pastors teachers the Holy Spirit and personalstudy water and feed the seed Nurturing ourfaith is our responsibility that in time surpassesfear
Helmet of Salvation ldquoTake the helmet ofsalvationrdquo Roman soldiers wore a unique helmetprotecting the top and sides of their head Somehelmets also protected the back of the neck
What is salvation Not only is it rescue from awasted life in the present and an erasure ofeternal damnation but the helmet is also theanticipation of the day we are ushered into
139
heavensup2⁴ Keeping our eyes on the reward this helmet protects
us from turning from the faith due to discouragement doubtand fear
a spectacular display of arrogance and deception The battle ofwords was close-up personal and relentless Each time the devilused his wiles the Son of God expertly wielded his swordsup2⁵
In the heat of temptation aimed straight at our weakest pointsskill at using Godrsquos Word boosts our triumph over fear sup2⁶
Prayer ldquoAnd pray in the Spirit on alloccasions with all kinds of prayers and requestsrdquoRoman soldiers needed supplies stamina andfood and water
What is prayer Jesus gave an examplesup2⁷ thatgoes something like this ldquoOur Father in heavenlet your name be treated with reverence Let your
Sword of the Spirit ldquohellipand the sword of theSpirit which is the word of Godrdquo Roman soldierspossessed three sharp weapons a dagger-sized shortsword a spear and a long sword Paul used the shortsword for his comparison to the Word of God
Why a small weapon Satan tempted Jesus in
kingdom come let your will be done on earth as it is in heavenGive us this day our bread for tomorrow and forgive us ourdebts as we also have forgiven our debtors Lead us not intotemptation but deliver us from the evil one for yours is thekingdom and the power and the glory forever Amenrdquo
140
This prayer acknowledges God makes various requests yields to his will and in faith believes all is possible because he is God
and wear his armor daily we will stand with the brave who say Itis scary out there and the Difference Maker goes with me
Godrsquos armor is not intended as a shell to crawlinside Neither is his shelter a place to isolatefrom the world
Fear is fed by our focus When the daycomes that we learn to rest in Godrsquos shelter
141
Prayer to the Difference Maker
When I am hard pressed I cry
to you Lord You bring me into
a spacious place You Lord are
with me I will not be afraid
Based on Psalm 1185-6
143
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in yourpocket Feel it when anxieties and otherpressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
Practical Exercise 10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions andimpulsive thoughts or prevents them fromrising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can behelpful to avoid anxiety attacks or panic orto use during anxiety and panic attacks
143
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing reminders thathe is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics will inspireyou God Will Make a Way
By a roadway in the wilderness Hell lead meAnd rivers in the desert will I seeHeaven and Earth will fade But His word will still remainAnd He will do something new todayGod will make a wayWhere there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot seeHe will make a way for meHe will be my guideHold me closely to His sideWith love and strength for each new dayHe will make a way He will make a way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in apublic place with little opportunity to walk awaypractice sign language or write the names of peopleyou care about in the air discreetly below your waistFiddle with anything that requires your full attentionlike word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worrylater Keep a notebook and pen handy Thenext time anxiety is triggered or could bewrite the concern down and lay it aside Set adate or time to address the issue perhapswith a safe person
144
Next Retrain your thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
145
Now may the God of peace
who through the blood of the
eternal covenant brought back
from the dead our Lord Jesus that
great Shepherd of the sheep equip
you with everything good for doing
his will and may he work in
us what is pleasing to
him through Jesus Christ to
whom be glory for ever and ever
Amen
APPENDIX
147
Terms page 148
A Word About Medication page 149
Bible References page 152
Photos and Other Credits page 155
Collection of Chapter Exercises plus BONUS Exercises page 159
Blank Pages for Notes page 182
Terms - Links
BibleGodrsquos Word
Christ Jesus Christ Christ Jesus
Christian
The Difference Maker= God
Faith
Fear of God
Holy
Jesus
Original languages used to write the Bible
Types of mental health professionals
Repentance
Resurrection
Righteousness
Sin
Trinity
148
An ongoing debate in faith arenas over the use of medications for
mental health particularly depression and anxiety leavesconfusion in its wake Myths about this type of medical therapyabound
Myth 1 Medications cover up spiritual problems Thesedrugs do not create happiness They cannot force introspectionrelief from guilt or wisdom on a person any more than insulinprevents someone with diabetes from eating a candy bar
If behaviors and circumstances that helped to create a mentalhealth need do not change the problem may persist No pill willcorrect poor thinking permanently erase memories of trauma endabuse or change a sinful heart
Medications prepare a brain to function as intended Once stablethe patient can choose to learn wisdom and pursue God or not
Myth 2 Mental illness is a myth No All mental illnesses aredisorders In other words something is wrong with a personrsquosability to function normally due to mental processing Medicationis often necessary to save a life Many chronicled symptoms giveprofessionals an excellent idea of how to diagnose mental illness
Everyone experiences down days massive grief and even
149
A Word About Medication
depressive thoughts It becomes a disorder when a person cannotfunction normally keep healthy relationships or overcome theseemotions
Myth 3 All psychiatrists do is throw pills at youPsychiatrists are medical doctors and specialists It is their job toprescribe medication based on revealed symptoms Appointmentsare typically about 15 minutes Very few offer talk therapy (whereaspsychologists generally do)
A psychiatrist may recommend hospitalization or insist a clientmove to a higher level of care such as to an IOP (IntensiveOutpatient Program) These are professional therapeutic programsthat occur throughout the week in half or full days
Myth 4 Psychiatric medications do not work It is true
150
sometimes they do not Six reasons for this have nothing to dowith the medications themselves
A A patient does not take the medication as prescribed or isnoncompliant and refuses itB A patient refuses recommended co-treatments such as talktherapyC The patient quits too soon Unfortunately it may take weeksand even months to discover the one that works best for aspecific person Dosages may also need readjustmentsD The patient is unable to convey symptoms clearlyPrescriptions based on incomplete information will likely be lesseffectiveE Affordability lack of insurance parity interference fromfamily members and more may disrupt proper treatmentcreating any of the above issues
ldquoJesus is the only one with perfect brain chemistry and nopsychological issues Every other human has somepsychological dysfunctionhellipPsychological Science is simplyunderstanding how God designed our mind to work and thenlearning how to maximally steward our mind for His glory andour fulfillment in Himrdquo
F Misdiagnosis by a doctor This is especially a problem whennon-psychiatric doctors prescribe psychiatric medications
Myth 5 Medications hurt people Safety may be compromisedif medication is not taken as prescribed The wrong medication toocan adversely affect a person Rumors about how often this occursare exaggerated
For most people a combination of medication and talk therapy hasproven most effective For those who receive professionaltreatment 80 go on to live more satisfying lives
If medication corrects brain dysfunction and allows one to developa richer life with Christ (and it has for me) then using medicationis good stewardship of onersquos capabilities Some takeaways from themission statement of Lighthouse Network agree
151
For a deeper look at therapy and medicationsfrom a Christian point of view go to Is It Ok for aChristian to Take Anti-depressants
Chapter
1 The Difference Maker
2 Self-doubt
3 Toxic Shame
4 Self=loathing
Bible References
152
sup1Exodus 1414 sup2Matthew 1128-29 sup3Romans 122 ⁴James 117 ⁵1 John 15 ⁶John 87⁷Romans 623 ⁸2 Thessalonians 17-10 ⁹Ephesians 24-9 NIVsup1⁰Romans 810-18 sup1sup1Psalm 2911 sup1sup2Ephesians 3 14-19
sup1Proverbs 46 -7 sup1∙⁵2 Samuel 111-1225 sup2Psalm 139 23-24sup31 Kings 39 ⁴ Hebrews 511-14niv ⁵Psalm 328niv⁶2 Timothy 316 ⁷2 Peter 120-21 ⁸2 Timothy 316-17niv⁹Mark 1224 sup1⁰1 Corinthians 1433nkjv sup1sup1Hebrews 116sup1sup2 2 Corinthians 317-18 sup1sup3Matthew 633 sup1⁴James15-7sup1⁵Psalm 4610 sup1⁶Deuteronomy 323-4 sup1⁷Exodus 314
sup1Genesis 127 sup2Psalm 84-6 sup3Isaiah 558 ⁴James 39-11 ⁵Ephesians 210 ⁶Psalm 13913⁷2 Corinthians 517 ⁸ Lamentations 322-23 ⁹1 John 31
sup1⁰James 223 sup1sup1 John 1515 sup1sup2Psalm 2710sup1sup3John 10 27-30 sup1⁴2 Corinthians 128-10
sup1Luke 2342-44 sup2 Psalms 34 sup3Micah 718-19 ⁴ Ephesians 317-19 ⁵Psalm 10311-12 ⁶ Psalm 4421⁷Psalm 10314 ⁸ Proverbs 37-8 ⁹Matthew 523-24sup1⁰Luke 2334 sup1sup1Acts 759-60 sup1sup1∙⁵Acts 81sup1sup2Acts 83 sup1sup3 Acts 2022-24 sup1⁴ Philippians 35-14 sup1⁵Psalm 345 sup1⁶2 Corinthians 1314
sup1Exodus 341014 sup2James 316 sup3Proverbs 1430 ⁴Philippians 23-11 ⁵Matthew 2128-32 ⁶Philippians 212-14⁷1 Corinthians 134-8niv ⁸Romans 1215 ⁹Jeremiah 923-25sup1⁰1 John 215-16 sup1sup1Titus 33-5
Chapter
5 Extreme Conclusions
6 Hopeless
7 Jealousy and Envy
153
sup1Matthew 71 sup2Matthew 2537-40 sup3Luke 311⁴Matthew 547niv ⁵Matthew 543-44 ⁶Matthew 712⁷Luke 1030-37 ⁸Numbers 1911-16niv and Leviticus 211-4 10-12niv⁹ 1 Corinthians 1312 sup1⁰Matthew 73-5 sup1⁰∙⁵Luke 1135-36sup1sup1Matthew 1916-26 sup1sup2Matthew 624 sup1sup3Isaiah 714sup1⁴John 11sup1⁵ Verses 4 23 Throughout his ministry people had trouble giving up old beliefs andfully grasping what Jesus was saying In John 11 we see him telling his disciples thatLazarusrsquo illness will not result in death that this situation will bring glory to God (likethe healing of the man born blind which they witnessed John 9) He informs Martha thatLazarus will be raised by him (In the original language the word used when he saysldquoLazarus will liverdquo means raised from a lying down position- raised from the dead)
sup1⁶ Verses 3328 Some traditional versions say Jesus was deeply moved or troubled
Jesus was agitated or angry wanting to instruct everyone and perhaps restrain thefaithless talk around him He waited and instead allowed his prayer and the results tospeak for themselvessup1⁷Psalm 11996 sup1⁸1 Samuel 167 sup1⁹ Mark 1427-31sup2⁰ Mark 14 66-72 sup2sup1John 201-10 sup2sup2 John 211-19sup2sup3Acts 413 sup2⁴2 Corinthians 47 sup2⁵James 116-18
sup1Isaiah 4318-19 niv sup2Psalm 3418 sup3Psalm 1213⁴Genesis 1611-13 ⁴∙⁵ Job 395-8 ⁵Nehemiah 919-20⁶Psalm 119140 ⁷Psalm 1361-3 ⁸Psalm 1437-8⁹Ruth 11-22 and 413-17 sup1⁰Psalm 3121-23 sup1sup12 Corinthians 75-7sup1sup22 Kings 1819 sup1sup31 Kings 1819 sup1⁴Psalm 1391-12sup1⁵Matthew 1029 sup1⁶Proverbs 1410 sup1⁷Proverbs 1320sup1⁸ Book of Job sup1⁹Job 427-9 sup2⁰Psalm 119130
sup1Proverbs 149-10 sup21 John 18 sup3 Isaiah 59 1 2
⁴ Proverbs 193 ⁵James 113 ⁶James 114-15
⁷ Hebrews 1210 ⁸Proverbs 311-12 ⁹Proverbs 1721
sup1⁰ Proverbs 2210 sup1sup1Exodus 201-17 sup1sup2Mark 1228-31
sup1sup3Romans 139-10niv sup1⁴Matthew 53-10 sup1⁵Psalm 411
sup1⁶Matthew 116 ESV sup1⁷Psalm 321-2 sup1⁸Psalm 1465sup1⁹John 151-5 sup2⁰ Romans 81 sup2sup12 Peter 13-9sup2sup2Proverbs 1130
sup2sup3Ephesians 51-20 Galatians 522-23 Proverbs 1031
sup2⁴1 Corinthians 924-25 sup2⁵James 112 sup2⁶Philippians 314
154
Chapter
8 Destructive Blame
9 Perceived Dependency
sup1 Isaiah 4420 sup1∙⁵ Matthew 1921nlt sup2 John 717sup3 John 824 ⁴ John 831-32 ⁵Matthew 2337⁵∙⁵1 Corinthians 120 ⁶Genesis 81 ⁷Genesis 3142⁸Genesis 5020 ⁹1 Samuel 2314 sup1⁰Acts 2622sup1sup1Philippians 227 sup1sup2Acts 224niv sup1sup3Romans 58nivsup1⁴2 Corinthians 75-7niv sup1⁵Jeremiah 41 sup1⁶Mark 217sup1⁷Psalm 7325-26niv
10 Fear
sup1Hebrews 122 sup2Hebrews 123 sup3Matthew 281-10 ⁴Matthew 2820 ⁵1 Samuel 251-38 ⁶ Romans 120 ⁷1 Kings 856-57 ⁸1 Corinthians 210-16 ⁹1 Corinthians 121sup1⁰2 Corinthians 57 sup1sup1Hebrews 111 sup1sup2Romans 831sup1sup3Matthew 66 sup1⁴ Proverbs 1810 sup1⁵Ephesians 61011sup1⁶Ephesians 611-13 sup1⁷ John 831-32 sup1⁸Romans 81-16sup1⁹Ephesians 51 sup2⁰ 2 Corinthians 518-19 sup2sup1James 219sup2sup2Romans 1017 sup2sup3 Matthew 1331-32sup2⁴1 Thessalonians 58-9 sup2⁵Matthew 41-11 sup2⁶Hebrews 512-14 sup2⁷Matthew 69-13
Chapter
1
2
3
4
Photos and Other Credits
Face in the mirror page 40 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped Artist page 44 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Church page 28 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJames Ryan quote page 31 from The National Association for Christian Recovery Four Kinds of Moral Inventory httpswwwnacrorgcenter-for-12-step-recoveryfour-kinds-of-moral-inventoryGirl praying page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NDcropped and manipulatedWriting hand page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredOxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes page 32httpsindianriveraaorgPDFTHE20FOUR20ABSOLUTESpdfScottish Proverb page 32 Confession Is Good For The Soul - Christian Devotions for Daily Living - DevotionscomCross page 32 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped
155
Man with net page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC rock overlaidRock page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCGirl page 14 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Billy Graham quote page 16 from Video Billy Graham httpswwwfacebookcomryanthompson100videos10158050555419605UzpfSTEyOTE4OTc5NDU6MTAyMTY5MTQzNDAwMzI3MTkFlame page 17 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC manipulated Jar page 26 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND
Chapter
5
6
156
Train page 49 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredTrain page 50 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredWounded man scene page 52 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND cropped recolored manipulatedCamel page 54 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYSAAbout Sadducee beliefs page 54 Camels Needles and the Question of Money retrieved on November 5 2020 from httpsallofitagainwordpresscom20170518camels-needles-and-the-question-of-money-colinTrain page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYN recoloredCurved path page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recoloredLazarusrsquo feet page 58 freebibleimagescomTrain tracks page 59 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCrecoloredTrain page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredExam paper page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredRooster page 61 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Jesus page 74 freebibleimagescomArahant Mental Wellness page 76 Treating Depression with TMS Aimed at the Brainrsquos Prefrontal Cortex httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortex Healthline page 76 The Effects of Depression on the Brain What Is Depression httpswwwhealthlinecomhealthdepressioneffects-brainHow-Can-Treatment-Change-the-Brain Figure 1 Page 76 httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortexEric W Dolan page 76 In depressed people the medial prefrontal cortex exerts more control over other parts of the brain Psypostcom Mental Health June 19 2017 httpswwwpsypostorg201706depressed-people-medial-prefrontal-cortex-exerts-control-parts-brainSemicolon tattoo page 81 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredProject Semicolon page 81 httpswwwfacebookcomprojectsemicolonMug page 82 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDrecolored
Jealousy and envy sisters page 92 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped manipulated recoloredHeart page 94 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredJesus and man page 96 freebibleimagescom recoloredWeeds page 98 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recolored
Necklace page 82 from httpswwwamazoncomproject-semicolon-jewelrysk=project+semicolon+jewelryPage 83 Black leprosy also called elephantiasis because the skin begins to look like elephant skin Jobs Disease By Louis Rushmorehttpswwwgospelgazettecomgazette2005janpage15htmJob and friends page 84 freeBibleimagescomGirl and woman page 86 This Photo by Unknown Author licensed under CC BY-NDWarning Signs of Suicide page 87 httpswwwnimhnihgovhealthtopicssuicide-preventionindexshtmlpart_153177Stairs page 91 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped and manipulated recolored
Chapter
6 continued
7
8
157
Boater and swimmer page 102 These Photos by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recolored ndash 2 pictures together both under same license Greek Olympics page 109 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredPower and Control Wheel page 111 from httpswwwtheagapecafecomFishing pole page 113 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredCouples page 115 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDand This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Chapter
9
10
158
Girl page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC cropped recoloredFloating money page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCrecolored croppedDice page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY 20 recolored croppedAshes page 120 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJesus and people page 122 freeBibleimagescomCaptain American cover page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredCaptain America Shield page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredSerenity Prayer photo page 124 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYCartoon man with weights page 125 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredSupport Group scene page 130 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND cropped recolored
Donkey page 133 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAUmbrella Woman page 135 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCWoman in shadows page 136 freeBibleimagescomArmor page 137This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCBreastplate page 138This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDBelt page 138 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDShield page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAHelmet page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCSword page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCPraying hands page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDTurtle page 141 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCLeaf page 143 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCRubiks cube page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SACalendar page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC
Collection of the Chapter Exercises
Plus Bonus Exercises
159
1 Make the Thought Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use anap even though a minute earlier you were not tired This is atype of thought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bedthe visual automatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom whereand why of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take thetime to complete the following exercise (for each thought habit)and you will be surprised at the worthwhile outcome
1 What consistent triggering event and response doyou experience
________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
_________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
160
3 What is your thought-habit
_____________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_____________________________________________(Example l feel content)
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchange your triggerrsquosassociation from gloomy to what generally rightens your mood
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with things you love move thebed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularly for foot rubs sayingprayers or texting jokes to your friends
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of the space with openblinds worship music or a self-starting coffee maker (Avoidtexts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
_________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
161
7 What action will you take next time this triggeringevent occurs
________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts Episodes ofdepression anxiety or other mental health challenges may followa pattern or cycle
BONUS EXERCISE Exchange News and Social Media for Books and Face-to-face Conversation
A sense of aloneness and anxiety might come from a lack of eye-to-eye contact and conversation and an overload of news reports
Especially before going to bed turn off all the negativity and pickup a good book During the day make plans with a friend to visitover coffee even if you must be socially distanced
Do this for two weeks and you will feel the results
2 Use Pros and Cons for Good Judgment
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible orask a mature follower of Christ to see if there is already ananswer given Step three Be brutally honest with all the pros andcons of your options
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
162
Remember Who Has All the Answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottle wherever it will catch somelight Keep it open and have slips of paper and pen available
Write down your unanswered questions doubts about yourselfand any other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside the jar is a great problemsurrounded by shadows and light By faith we can accept that wedo not see all or have all the answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimes shoot out of your jar Thisrepresents the endless wisdom and love of God to which we caneach cling Somehow good is going to come of what we do notunderstand
163
BONUS EXERCISE Sleep Hygiene for a Healthy BrainFrom adaaorg
bullKeep a regular sleep schedule Go to bed around the same timeeach nightbullDo not eat a heavy late mealbullWatch TV in a room other than your bedroombullTurn the TV off 30 minutes before bedtimebullPut down the electronics 30 minutes before bedtime The screeneven on dim mode can still be stimulating to the brain via theeyes
3 Examine the Evidence for Shame
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes to one of thequestions on the left you have a newday in the court of your mind Checkout the corresponding links on theright
164
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Secure Your Release From Toxic Shame
165
BONUS EXERCISE Incorporate Self-care
From successcom
Self-care is different for each person Examples of self-careinclude making a healthy smoothie before work going for a longwalk at lunch spending time laughing with your spouse beforebed going on an adventure drive relaxing at the beach calling afriend or taking a long bubble bath The type of self-care doesnrsquotmatter as much as the effect It should make you feel like yoursquoretaking care of yourself in a way that combats toxic shame self-loathing anxiety depression and stress Carve 20 minutes intoyour day for self-care
4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a gamesomething with a little challenge in it to help make a thoughtexchange So I made one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automaticallyspeak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourselfnames Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friend
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might make youcringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
BONUS EXERCISE Write Your Biography
Write stories from your life using only positive descriptive wordsabout yourself It doesnrsquot have to seem true at first Keep at it
166
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look aboutyou and write down all you have accomplished in the last 24hours (You read this page right That is one) No matter howsmall you think the accomplishment it is evidence to the contraryof never do anything right
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved onesto marketers to abusers messages given us as children and oldercan come from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable ofrealistic insight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged falsenegative core beliefs of their own Are they suggestible andreactionary with their emotions Are they knowledgeable andwise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
BONUS EXERCISE Mirror Mirror
Look yourself in the eye and say ldquoI am loved I am lovablerdquoRepeat
167
Test Messages and Messengers
5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
168
Keep
working
169
Know When to Say Yes for a Most-fulfilling Life
Knowing what is of utmost importance to you will help preventmisdirected drive
1 Take time to list all your current obligations This will includefamily friends job financial expenditures physical healthmental health spiritual goals what God has asked of you andanything that you must finish
2 Look realistically at the above Is there anything that does notfit within your daily availability finances emotional energy orphysical capabilities
3 Is there anything you can remove from this list Ask for Godrsquoswisdom
What remains are yesses With rare exceptions everything else isa no Each time you agree to secondary activities expenses orobligations you are trading-in and saying no to something (orsomeone) you more highly value
BONUS EXERCISE Have a Routine
Sometimes when emotions run our decision-making we needsomething stable to help us stay on track with what it is we want
On your calendar mark a morning routine and a bedtimeroutine Set alarms on your phone for meals and meds Schedulefree time so your calendar does not own you
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have theenergy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeuticEven baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make yourown
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list Play music Set the table Take a shower Sit with the family Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today Go for a walk with a person or your dog Eat a healthy meal Attend participate in a support group Paint a picture or put a puzzle together Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Lower Your Stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
6 When You Feel Hopeless Live a Little
170
Allow Hope
Think about your values as a guide Write down what is importantto you and keep the list where you can see it Each day after youhave a choice stick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family
I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
BONUS EXERCISE Prevention
Lack of motivation and finding no pleasure in pleasurable activitiesare two of the classic symptoms doctors look for to diagnosedepression An enjoyable activity serves a preventative role
Make a 9rdquo x 9rdquo paper circle List around the circle activities youenjoy and activities you want to try Ring a paper clip over a penciland plant the pencil in the middle of your circle Spin the paper clipThe activity it points to is what you do for this day Another circlewith names can select whom to invite to join in the activity
171
172
ExampleThought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social eventlearn to be a good friend Reach out to her inkindness
Do something of value to earn respect speakkind words to and about him work on honestways to improve your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thankGod those people are comfortable and nothungry or cold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to goout with your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
7 Act Opposite
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Do the Amazing
What if you did something so shocking it amazes even youWhat if you went so counter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things If you will do it this challenge will shake yourworld and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it moreor to a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the Script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarrantedcriticism it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of runningwoulda-if-only on a loop how about making the situation into agame
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
173
8 Find Harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time
to study their companion and without criticism show appreciationfor the good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God forwhat you have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blamepay attention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize that everyone including yourselfhas made mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive asmuch as God has forgiven you
174
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stopping another person (we have nocontrol over them) Boundaries are about what we allow into ourcircle
Do the following exercise then create your own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leaveresponsibility for his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for theconsequences of losing them
What about a situation in your life
Draw a Circle Around Yourself
175
176
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsession
Take this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool
httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
9 Now What
Spell It Out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write out all it has stolen andwhat freedom will bring This is about you not casting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praiseand gratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is toa real God who will not only see what you write but who knowsyour heart
Write a letter (or letters) to your perceived dependency Do notmail it if it is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Romeis directly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
177
Find a Strong Support System
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over timewho is healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability tohold your confidences Watch them with other people Choosefriends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who haveseen your struggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
178
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in your pocket Feel it whenanxieties and other pressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions and impulsive thoughts orprevents them from rising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can be helpful to avoid anxietyattacks or panic or to use during anxiety and panic attacks
179
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing remindersthat he is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics willinspire you God Will Make a Way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in a public placewith little opportunity to walk away practice sign language orwrite the names of people you care about in the air discreetlybelow your waist Fiddle with anything that requires your fullattention like word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worry later Keep anotebook and pen handy The next time anxiety is triggered orcould be write the concern down and lay it aside Set a date ortime to address the issue perhaps with a safe person
BONUS Keep Your Mind Busy With Purpose
180
For ideas about purposeful activities and meaningfulrelationships during pandemic isolation see my free e-bookStay at Home and Thrive
Retrain Your Thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
181
182
Notes
and exhaustion forced surrender ldquoGod Irsquom sorry I canrsquothelliprdquo
I canrsquot finish what we started canrsquot move from this chair canrsquotplan another meeting see anyone or write another paragraphI canrsquot
Heaven sent three words to complete my whispered prayer ldquobutYou canrdquo The parking lot had been an object lesson It was timeto set down what was not mine to fix
ldquoI canrsquot but You canrdquo became a regular confession One step afteranother this phrase called attention to the One whose strengthdoes not wither whose love never fails and whose offers of restand healing are constant
ldquoThe Lord will fight for you You needonly be stillrdquo God told Mosessup1
ldquoCome to me all you who are wearyand carry heavy burdensrdquo Jesuspromised ldquoI will give you restrdquo sup2
Beyond burn-out daily life often feelsgravelly and threatening whenparalyzed by the past insecurities
The Lord will
fight for you
You need only
be still Exodus 1414
and depressive thinking we make littleprogress toward personal wholeness
Much of the time we stay stuck in fear oflosing what is familiar what it is we thinkwe have learned to control We chasepebbles instead of purpose
6
ldquoLet God transform you into a new person by changing the wayyou thinkrdquo wrote Paul one of the earliest believers in theChristian faithsup3 His term changing or renewing means to makean exchange
God is on our side ldquoI canrsquotrdquo becomes our miracle when we addldquoThe Difference Maker can and Irsquoll let himrdquo
What does God have to do with it
ldquoWho would you rather trust He is the Difference-Makerrdquo - a psychologist
Each are temporary Not only do they fluctuate with discoveryopinions moods and the market none reach into our deepestneed and make us permanently whole
The Difference Maker is well different Not a what but a who hedoes not change like shifting shadows⁴ nor can he be chained tohuman personality knowledge or man-made rites or rules He isgreater than everything we call finished
Godrsquos nature is to be there for us faithful to keep his promiseseven in troubling times His nature is constant which gives us
We like whats What time is it What is thescore What will happen next Educationscience financial security religion andpsychology to name a few have theirpurposes From them we may experience asense of fulfillment and some answers to ourquestion what
7
hope and firm ground in which to stake our trust
Because of his love for each of us he made a way to spend foreverwith us He is holy without any deceit or darkness at all⁵ We arenot as we all know⁶ To permit our guilt (deceit darkness) intohis holy presence he had to make a sacrifice
Instead of compromising his holy nature he provided a holy (nodeceit no darkness) gift that we can choose or refuse One day wewill all stand before God with or without his gift When we cometo him bearing this gift we will be ushered into his heaven⁷ Thenews is dreadful for those who do not have the gift with them⁸
The gift is free salvation offered by Godrsquos grace through faith inhis Son Jesus⁹ It is by accepting this gift that we become Godrsquoschildren and heirs to everything in his kingdomsup1⁰
We have this wonderful future with God to anticipate yet he iswith us now He has sent his Spirit the Holy Spirit (again nodeceit no darkness) to teach us and to touch us emotionally withspiritual truth
One of the best gifts we can open today is Godrsquos peace ldquoThe Lordgives his people strength the Lord blesses them with peacerdquosup1sup1Peace is our new state of being as we learn to apply his truththrough his processes
Paul said it best when he wrote the following
When I think of all this I fall to my knees and pray to theFather the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth Ipray that from his glorious unlimited resources he willempower you with inner strength through his Spirit Then
8
Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in himYour roots will grow down into Godrsquos love and keep youstrong
And may you have the power to understand as all Godrsquospeople should how wide how long how high and how deephis love is May you experience the love of Christ though it istoo great to understand fully Then you will be made completewith all the fullness of life and power that comes from Godsup1sup2
God is love
I will give you a new heart and put anew spirit in you I will remove fromyou your heart of stone and give youa heart of flesh Ezekiel 3626niv
If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son ofGod God lives in them and they in God And so weknow and rely on the love God has for us God islove 1 John 415-16niv
He cares about broken hearts He heals the brokenheartedand binds up their wounds
Psalm 1473niv
You LORD hear the desire of theafflicted you encourage them and youlisten to their cry Psalm 1017niv
He is with us during depression
He offers inside-out change
9
Godrsquos power is at work Now to him who is able to doimmeasurably more than all weask or imagine according to hispower that is at work within us tohim be gloryhellip Ephesians 320-21niv
I say to myself ldquoThe LORD is myinheritance therefore I will hope inhimrdquo -Jeremiah Lamentations 324
He offers eternal hope
He offers joy I came that they may have and enjoy life andhave it in abundance -Jesus John 1010amp
This is not a God will fix you book It is a door that opens into thediscovery of biblical solutions you may not know exist
This is also not a miracle-cure book The miracle is the DifferenceMaker and how he lifts you above depressive thoughts
10
12
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord you teach
ldquohellipwhatever is true
whatever is noble whatever
is right whatever is pure
whatever is lovely whatever
is admirablemdashif anything is
excellent or praiseworthymdash
think about such thingsrdquo
Help me Lord to change my
depressive thoughts
Based on Philippians 48
___________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
1 What consistent triggering event and response do youexperience
___________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
Practical Exercise 1 Make the Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use a napeven though a minute earlier you were not tired This is a type ofthought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bed the visualautomatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Begin noticing what runs through your brain in different situationsHow do certain thoughts make you feel
If you are uncertain how to answer the last question try this quickexperiment Think for 30 seconds on this yearrsquos news and noticeyour emotions Now focus on your favorite memory for 30 secondsIn which direction did your feelings travel when you changed theseintentional thoughts
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom where andwhy of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take the time tocomplete the following exercise (for each thought habit) and you willbe surprised at the worthwhile outcome
12
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchangeyour triggerrsquos association from gloomy to whatgenerally rightens your mood
3 What is your thought-habit
_______________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_______________________________________________(Example l feel content)
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with thingsyou love move the bed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularlyfor foot rubs saying prayers or texting jokesto your friends Avoid texts from work oropen them elsewhere)
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of thespace with open curtains worship music or a self-startingcoffee maker (Avoid texts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
__________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
13
7 What action will you take next time this triggering eventoccurs
__________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts More seriousepisodes of depression anxiety or other challenges may follow apattern or cycle Ideas throughout the following chapters can helpcreate new thinking patterns to replace negative thought habits
14
2Self-Doubt
Her eyes climb sparkling windowpanes to the tenth floor as she
stands frozen facing the entrance to an imposing office buildingAudrey has researched this job opportunity for days Do I knowenough Her binder is loaded with documents What did I forgetHer attire is professional I should have worn those other shoes
A woman walks past carrying a briefcase She looks put-togetherWhat if she is applying Audrey has recently earned a degree thefirst in her family to finish college But it is only a bachelorrsquos and Ihave no experience She catches her reflection in the glass doorsIrsquom too young
Finally Audrey caves What was I thinking They will never hireme This was a mistake Irsquom going home
Some thoughts My judgment is questionable Is this the right decision Am I good enough No one will take me
seriously I do not know if I am making a difference Fears of rejection and failure are paralyzing
ldquoGet Wisdomrdquo
[Godrsquos] still on the throne And those of us who know him putour trust in him and him alone I donrsquot put my trust in
15
ldquoGet wisdomrdquo is the challenge King Solomon of ancient Israel gaveto his son ldquoThough it cost all you have get understandingrdquosup1 Iwonder if his urgency was inspired by the story of his parentsKing David and Bathshebasup1∙⁵
Get wisdom from believers who listen to the Holy Spirit King David took another manrsquos wife Bathsheba and killed theman God detested this terrible deed and David knew it Drowningin lies and excuses he lived in total denial
Nathan the prophet listened to Godrsquos Holy Spirit and called David
Washington I donrsquot put my trust in the United Nations I donrsquotput trust in myself I donrsquot put my trust in my money I put mytrust in the Lord Jesus Christ When all the rest of it fails andcrumbles and shatters Hersquoll be there - Billy Graham
16
Reliance on
Godrsquos wisdom
means our
judgment is
not our only
resource
Self-doubt traps us between fear andfailure Trusting God to show us what todo may seem contradictory to our goal ofthinking for ourselves with confidence Ofcourse we are not created conformists orrobots
Nonetheless we cannot know more thanwe know Reliance on Godrsquos wisdommeans our judgment is not our onlyresource Even when we do not know thewhere what why or how ofcircumstances we never have toquestion Gods ability to lead
out on his rationalizing Truth hit David hard Hebroke down His tears of grief were not only regretbut repentance
Repentance is a combination of sorrow oversinning (wrongdoing) against God and a turningaway from those sins David later wrote in such away it is evident he changed direction His prayeris one we can repeat
Solomon became king remembering his fatherrsquoslessons Above long life riches or militaryvictory he prayed for an understanding mind anddiscerning heart to know the difference betweenright and wrongsup3
Growth and discernment are natural results of asincere and disciplined relationship with JesusAge and many years in the church do notguarantee this Spiritually mature believers havedeeper understanding of sound judgment becauseby constant practice they have trainedthemselves to distinguish good from evil⁴ Thereis much to be said for such experience
A man thanked a boy for giving him directionsadding ldquoIrsquom the new pastor Come to church
17
ldquoSearch me O God and know my heart test meand know my anxious thoughts Point outanything in me that offends you and lead mealong the path of everlasting liferdquosup2
Sunday and Irsquoll show you how get to heavenrdquo
The boy was skeptical Awww come on You dont even know theway around town
God promises ldquoI willhellip teach you in the way you should gordquo⁵ LikeNathan God still appoints people who listen to the Holy Spirit tospeak truth
The better part of wisdom is admitting when we have reached theend of what we know and humbly asking for directions
Get wisdom from the Holy BibleGodrsquos Word is not merely words on paper All Scripture is God-breathed according to Paul⁶ None of it is false
No prophecy or book in the Bible came from the writerrsquos initiativeor human understanding There is but one author God People likePaul who wrote profound letters were moved by the Holy Spirit⁷
Paul continues by saying the Bible is useful for correcting andtraining so servants of God (believers) will be thoroughlyequipped for every good deed and ministry⁸ He strongly impliesthat without such correction and training we will not have thenecessary tools to do Godrsquos work
Several hyper-religious hypocrites tried to trap Jesus with loadedquestions In one incident Jesus replied ldquoAre you not in errorbecause you do not know the Scriptures or the power of Godrdquo ⁹
Jesus could not be tricked into a defensive position because heknew the Word of God intimately He understood the heart of it
18
because he knew the Father so well If we are not studying thebook we will find ourselves floundering So often we leaveourselves vulnerable to the latest arguments and philosophies
Saturating in the Bible whether through reading or audio is howwe learn who God is how he relates to us personally and how torespond to him Without this we miss out on the power of God
I recommend reading the Bible in large chunks Headingschapters and verse numbers have been added by publishers tohelp us navigate and find specific passages these markings do notexist in the original writings Context and flow of meaning arericher without those divisions so try to pretend they are not there
As variations from reading I enjoy the NIV dramatized versionaudio Bible and movies that directly quote New Testament books
The Bible is also not published in chronological order You mayfind it more fascinating and exciting to follow a chronological listof books and passages These are easily found online
Get wisdom from knowing Godrsquos willSelf-doubt interrupts our ability to process leaving us stranded ina place of pain the valley of indecision We want to know Godrsquoswill for us yet our prayers are mixed with fear and negative what-ifs
19
Sam enjoys the pace of factory work He is good with his hands andfeels a sense of pride in a dayrsquos accomplishments He holds nostudent debt can leave his job at the factory and is fully presentfor his family in the evenings
Sam would be miserable managing the factory After dealing withcontractors and payroll and customers all day he would returnhome uptight business school loans still due
If Sam were offered these jobs what would you recommend forhim God is not the author of confusionsup1⁰ Most of the time hespeaks through the obvious and we can over-spiritualize things tothe point they make no sense
God made us with innate talents and gifts He placed us in culturesamong people who will help develop our likes and dislikesAssuming we are not choosing to sin we can make life choicesbased on what suits our unique qualities best
If Audrey faces that office building knowing the job is one that willdry up her talents then walking away is likely wise Of course Godgrows us within the challenging features of his calling We tend toenjoy what we are successful doing and skills increase withpractice Trying a new experience is an adventure
20
Where We
Find JoyOur
Will
Godrsquos
Will
21
He has already revealed his will for us anyway Comparing ouroptions to his known will makes for simpler decisions if they donot match we need to change
Firstly we must have faith in God and In his Son Jesus Withoutfaith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes tohim must believe that he exists and that he rewards those whoearnestly seek himsup1sup1
Secondly with the help of the Holy Spirit we are to transformbecoming more like Christ in attitude which is love for othersobedience to the Father and willingness to suffer for the truthsup1sup2
Thirdly we are told to focus on the spiritual kingdom of Jesussup1sup3My grandmother had a sign hung prominently in her dining roomAs one who wanted to make a difference in the world it spoke tome throughout my youth
lsquoTis only one life
lsquoTwill soon be past
Only whatrsquos done for Christ will last
God feels with you and knows how exhausted and overloaded youare at times Do what you want and can do His work in us is allabout growing in love not more pressure to meet human orreligious standards
Get wisdom from prayerPerhaps the most comforting promise about using good judgment
22
was recorded by Jesusrsquo brother James ldquoIf any of you lacks wisdomyou should ask God who gives generously to all without findingfault and it will be given to yourdquosup1⁴
Without finding fault what a relief We do not have to clean-upbefore approaching our Holy Father He has only one condition forhis perfect guidance to get through to us James wrote ldquoBut whenyou ask you must believe and not doubtrdquosup1⁴
A pastor proposed an idea for knowing when we have receivedGodrsquos answer
Ask Make a specific request to God such as ldquoIs it best I take thisjobrdquo or ldquoDo I owe Becky an apologyrdquo
Listen Pay attention to the first thought that follows yourrequest
Act Go with that first thought
But I will make a mistake Irsquoll think of something wrong That iswhere doubt comes in God is more than capable of getting hismessage through all the muck in our heads Every time I haveapplied this pastorrsquos idea every time the answer has been the rightone
Confusion comes with arguing It is true Trying to have my wayand ldquoaskrdquo him at the same time forces a did he answer or did he notanswer internal battle That is on me not him Self-doubt will pop-up its ugly head nevertheless it loses its power if we refuse tosecond-guess God
Faith and trust increase the better we know him ldquoBe still and knowthat I am Godrdquo he sayssup1⁵ Be still Turn off the television and
23
phone go somewhere quiet and meditate onwho is this God and Creator of the universe
Open your Bible with this prayer ldquoGod pleaseshow me what this means to my life mysituation Please reveal what I need to learnabout Yourdquo
Love and holiness are Godrsquos nature His love is
He told
Moses his
name
ldquoI AMrdquo
unending He is the source of all good and truth in the world He isperfectly goodsup1⁶
Yet he is a mystery No one of such finite quality as we can fullymake sense of an eternal God The most studious experts ofscripture know only what God has revealed to them
He told Moses his name I AMsup1⁷ He exists As supposed to all theother false gods and idols that are man-made illusions and self-reliance which is faulty surely he can handle our situations Let usstop questioning our every move We can be still and know he isGod
Imagine Audrey goes to the job interview confident of Godrsquos lovefor her Intimidation and insecurities weaken as she exchanges self-doubt for faith
I cannot Lord You canI have not You will never abandon me
I am unseeing You know all
Please lead me along the best path
25
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Do good to your servant
according to your word
Lord Teach me knowledge
and good judgment for I
trust your commands Before
I was afflicted I went
astray but now I obey
your word
Psalm 11965-67
Practical Exercise 2 Pros and Cons
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible or ask amature follower of Christ to see if there is already an answer givenStep three Be brutally honest with all the pros and cons of youroptions
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
25
Next remember who has all the answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottlewherever it will catch some light Keepit open and have slips of paper andpen available
Write down your unansweredquestions doubts about yourself andany other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside thejar is a great problem surrounded byshadows and light By faith we canaccept that we do not see all or have allthe answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimesshoot out of your jar This representsthe endless wisdom and love of God towhich we can each cling Somehowgood is going to come of what we donot understand
26
3Toxic Shame
Some thoughts I must punish myself I cannot show my face Irsquoll never tell anyone what I did or how I feel There are dozens of reasons for her to hate me I cannot go to
God because Ive done too much wrong Forgive myself Not possible
Shame is a good thing It is Without shame for wrongdoing there
would be no rehabilitation no fresh starts no amends and nochange We must feel ashamed so we are ready to apologize andmean it This is healthy
Toxic Shame is a cruel entertainer replaying mental moviesespecially at night while we snack on the poisons of self-hate andhumiliation
Toxic Shames co-conspirator is Mindreading She makes it difficultto let go of the fear that people remember and do not forgive
Toxic Shame is a relentless accuser with total-devastation potential Scores of his targets havefallen victim to physical pains anxiety or someform of self-punishment This shame preventsrest in Godrsquos love because we question ourworthiness of forgiveness
27
mistakes We do not take their words at face value Mindreadingassumes we are judged by everyone like we judge ourselves
Toxic shame cannot stand up to Godrsquos mercy
pastor the name of Jesus never escaped his lips
As he lay dying and unresponsive at age eighty-four a chaplaincame to visit He asked about Dadrsquos background and I told him whatI just told you The chaplain said something I had not consideredldquoPerhaps because he once was a pastor he does not believe he canbe forgiven for falling into sinrdquo
It makes perfect sense the way Dad wouldshrug off talk of his old days as a preacheror how he changed the subject if a regularconversation turned to faith When I or myson asked about his relationship to Jesushe always answered ldquoIrsquom working on itrdquo
ldquoPerhaps
because he was
once a pastor
he does not
believe he can
be forgivenrdquo
Refusing to forgive ourselves might seemlike humility it is the epitome of prideWe assume to have an authority greaterthan God when after he wipes away oursins we answer ldquoNot me Im too messedup even for You
Clumsy human attitudes such as this donot determine Godrsquos toward us
My dad was not easily understood Hisways were a mix of good deeds and dolingout grievous pain Although he was once a
28
Shortly after the chaplain spoke to and prayed with my dad Istepped out for a short break from keeping vigil Ten minutes latertrying to reenter Dadrsquos room it felt the door was heavy as ifpressing against a strong wind With a heavier shove I found myselfin a familiar and most welcome of atmospheres
It was still except for the sound of labored breathing The air wasthick with the closest to perfect peace as we will ever know on thisearth The dense presence of Godrsquos Holy Spirit filled the roomconcentrated in the corner over my fatherrsquos bed
The Difference Maker was answering my long-time prayer andholding a deathbed conversation with Dad Some time passed until Ifelt the presence rise and leave perhaps taking a refreshed soul withhim Within an hour my dadrsquos frail body quit trying
Jesus was crucified between two thieves One of them said to JesusldquoRemember me when you come into your kingdomrdquo
Jesus answered ldquoToday you will be with me in paradiserdquosup1
A thief and my dad Two unlikely candidates for heaven embracedfor eternity because they said yes to forgiveness
It is too bad my dad did not live a life of peace We can While werehearse old scenarios the Difference Maker forgives generously
We duck our heads in shame he wants to liftour chinssup2
Once my dad had breathed his last I askedGod if he would assure me that dad said yes tohim during their talk I opened my Bible and
29
30
landed near the end of the Old Testament
ldquoYou will not stay angry with your people forever because youdelight in showing unfailing loverdquo Micah the prophet wrote ldquoOnceagain you will have compassion on us You will trample our sinsunder your feet and throw them into the depths of the oceanrdquosup3
Do you see that God delights in showing unfailing love He wasnever about to let his child go into eternity without him In the endGod orchestrated the timing so my dad would accept forgivenessand his daughter would have the privilege of learning just how deepis the love of God for those who believe on his Son⁴
He not only removes our shame he personally has a great timedoing so He is eager to remove our fears too
I know my dad is in heaven just like I know the thief is there ldquoFor ashigh as the heavens are above the earth so great is his love for thosewho fear him as far as the east is from the west so far has heremoved our transgressions from usrdquo⁵
Other steps
Remember healthy shame It becomes toxic when we allow it to rotunattended while we refuse to deal with complicated truth
Things we ignore grow moldy and poisonous This plays out inaddiction resentment depression anger control issues self-righteousness and so much more
Godrsquos love and forgiveness are gracious and forever I will thank himfor them However he does not take our stubborn and hard
Moral inventory shapes our understanding of ourselves whichin turn shapes our relationship with God Some styles ofinventory ask us to take a hard look at our character defectsand this can create a powerful sense of our need for God Otherstyles of inventory encourage us to look not just at ourshortcomings but at our strengths as well and so the sense ofneed for God is not as strong If we write according to the firststyle of inventory we are more likely to enter in an intimaterelationship with God ndashJames Ryan of the National
Association of Christian Recovery
A fearless inventory does not shy away from total honesty with Godwho knows everything anyway⁶ We do not have to fear Godrsquosrejection He never expects perfection from humans because heknows how weak we are he remembers we are only dust⁷
Guidance for completing an inventory is on the next page
hearts and melt them against our will Steps we can take will openus to his miracles
Moral Inventory
31
ConfessionldquoDonrsquot be impressed with your own wisdomInstead fear the LORD and turn away fromevil Then you will have healing for your bodyand strength for your bonesrdquo⁸
Who knew the Bible is so psychologically apteh
The One who made us knows we need tounload shame and offers his listening earsWe share our moral inventory with him andask him to remove all our sins
Honesty 1 Peter 222
rdquoHe committed no
sin and no deceit was
found in his mouthrdquo
Sexual Purity
Hebrews 726 rdquo[Christ
Jesus] truly meets our need mdash one who is
holy blameless pure set apart from sinnershelliprdquo
Love 1 John 316 ldquoThis is how
we know what love isJesus Christ
laid down his life for
usrdquo
Unselfishness2 Corinthians
89rdquoFor you know the grace of our
Lord Jesus Christ that
though he was rich yet for your sake he became
poor so that you through his
poverty might become richrdquo
Borrowed from the Oxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes we compare
our honesty purity unselfishness and love to that of Jesus
32
Amends (not excuses)
Jesus said ldquohellipif you are offering your gift at the altar (he meant inworship of God) and there remember that your brother or sisterhas something against you leave your gift there in front of the altarFirst go and be reconciled to them then come and offer your giftrdquo⁹
That is how important making amends is to God Confessing ourwrongs to people we have hurt is a giant step toward our healingfrom toxic shame and hopefully brings some sense of closure tothem too Unless contacting them would cause them more pain wehumbly admit what we did and apologize
Forgiveness is theirs to give when and if they are ready so we donot ask for it Our forgiveness comes from above Amends may notproduce a healed relationship we do it anyway and leave others toGod
Pray blessings for your enemiesJesus prayed for his enemiessup1⁰ as did Stephen the first Christianmartyr
ldquoOpen confession is good for the soulrdquo ndashScottish proverb
33
This is an ongoing process His forgivenessis complete nonetheless we will continueto act dishonestly impurely selfishly andunlovingly at times
A caution Do not compare yourself against
other people only to Christ Jesus
Stephen prayed for those who conspired to have him stoned todeathsup1sup1 While he was dying he asked God to have mercy on hisenemies Saul of Tarsus stood among themsup1sup1∙⁵
In the name of God Saul of Tarsus zealously opposed Jesusrsquofollowers hunting them down Mercilessly he tore families apartdragging men and women believers to prison and voting for theirdeaths He tried to force them to blaspheme a criminal offensesup1sup2
Eventually he wrote half the New Testament of our Holy Bibletoday
Did Paul deserve Godrsquos grace No way That is the beauty of itnone of us do Jesus never sinned and therefore had pure love forhis enemies By praying for our enemies we recognize theirhumanity and ours The largess of Godrsquos grace heals our soul
Stay in the presentPaul could easily have been paralyzed by toxic shame as hepreached to and encouraged friends and members of those samefamilies he had killed In his sixties and under house arrest for hisfaith Paul wrote ldquohellipone thing I do Forgetting what is behind and
As he was
martyred he
asked God to
have mercy on his
enemies
God heard Stephenrsquos prayer and hadmercy on Saul After his conversionSaul changed his name to Paul (Saulwas a kingly name Paul meanslittle)
For about thirty-five years Paulserved as missionary and churchplanter willingly suffering the life hehad imposed on otherssup1sup3
34
Note We all need assistance sometimes When toxicshame is connected to unaddressed memories andtrauma emotional disturbances and the inability tofunction normally we may benefit most from professionalhelp
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love ofGod and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with yousup1⁶
straining toward what is ahead I press onhelliprdquo sup1⁴
Toxic shame can be a choice The past cannot change why wastetime on it Today and tomorrow with the Difference Maker in thelead we have the opportunity to follow his plan of escape from self-defeating thoughts and live a different kind of life
Godrsquos promise is that no shadow of shame will darken our faces ifwe look to himsup1⁵ Read the book of John as you begin orstrengthen your walk with God
35
Prayer to the Difference Maker
ldquohellipmany are saying of my soul
lsquoThere is no salvation for him in Godrsquo
But you O LORD
are a shield about me my glory
and the lifter of my headrdquo
Psalm 32-4 (ESV)
Practical Exercise 3 Examine the Evidence
If
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes toone of the questionson the left you havea new day in thecourt of your mindCheck out thecorresponding linkson the right
37
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Prison- no parole
Next secure your release
38
4Self-loathing
Mr Negative self-
talk destroys
identities and
paralyzes dreams
Period That is all
he does
Mr Self-loathing blinds us to thewonderful mysteries of otherpeople by laser-beam focusinginward In public we worry if weare coming across okay In privatewe wonder what others think aboutus
When we do not believe in ouraptitude personality or lovabilitywe miss out on the love others tryto extend Compliments upset us
Some thoughts Irsquom not good enough No one can love meIrsquom too old or young too fat or thin too uneducated or
inexperienced too introverted or boisterous Irsquom always too much and too little Ugly Idiot Trouble
Thats me I am a mistake
Mr Self-loathing is in the ldquoIrdquo business He sells I-should-not be
me and I-should-have-done-better His top sales manager MsSense of Worthlessness invented Irsquom not-as-good-as-so-n-so andIrsquom-sorry-for-everything Their chief of business communicationsolrsquo Negative Self-talk specializes in I am a loser of every typeimaginable
39
because in our minds they cannotpossibly be true We believepeople are only placating us forwhat purpose we do not knowMiniscule mistakes blare I canrsquotget anything right
Loathing is a strong term andappropriate for this self-debasingthinking As a thought habit itresponds well to Practical Exercise1
If we buy the goods Ms Sense ofWorthlessness sells self-loathing
goes public She excels at over-apologizing One of her favorites isldquoOh excuse merdquo (even though you nearly knocked me onto mykeester and two pounds of chocolate chips ripped open in front ofmy three very young children who now look like foraging raccoonsBut hey Irsquom sorry- to you- who is long gone)
Another favorite is ldquoIrsquom sorry to bother yourdquo (though you said I amnot bothering you a minute ago and each time I have walked intoyour office since you hired me you have said the same)
She also encourages her customers to say I am sorry with bodylanguage when nothing out of the ordinary has occurred
Maybe we rationalize apologies as nice polite or sympatheticUnfortunately unnecessary and excessive apologizing generallyframes us as untrustworthy and weak even if we are not thosethings The practice works against us
40
Mr Negative Self-talk destroys identities and paralyzes dreamsPeriod That is all he does His attacks against our wellbeing are oldvoices thoughts and beliefs playing on a loop each geared towardthe abuse and vandalization of our minds bodies and spirits
One meme says ldquoIf a friend speaks to you the way you speak toyourself how long will you be friendsrdquo Well what if a friend talksabout herself using thoughts you hold against yourself how longbefore you try to reassure her
Baggage and Beliefs
Some of our baggage is based on negative false core beliefs usuallyadopted in childhood Three steps form a belief
bull A significant person to us one in authority or someone we trustor admire sends or affirms a message positive or negativethrough speech or actions
bull Our experience must support that message whether byperception or reality
bull Then we must repeat the message to ourselves
For instance a teacher says ldquoYou are weak at mathrdquo On the nextexam you miss some equations This experience might become yourldquoevidencerdquo of weakness in math By repeating to yourself Irsquomterrible at math you affix the belief
Negative false core beliefs often buried deep inside and out ofsight strongly affect our decisions even when we are unaware
Jeff is not introspective and tends to go about his business with anair of certainty However he turns down promotions and lately
41
His dad had been promoted severaltimes within the company for whichhe worked most of his life At an olderage he was fired and replaced by ayounger man who earned less Thishappened when Jeff was a teenagerand he heard an earful as his dadblamed the bosses the ldquosystemrdquo andbad luck
Jeff picked up on the message that nomatter how hard one tries gettingahead will result in financial disasteranyway Throughout his life hegathered evidence of injusticesupporting this message Hemumbled ldquoThatrsquos the way it isrdquo untilhe no longer had to be aware of it tobase his life around it
Uncovering this core belief changedhis attitude He took time to challengethe old fear with evidence to thecontrary
42
A
message
Experience
backs it up
We repeat
the
message to
ourselves
anger rises when the manager asks him to take on more leadershipresponsibility
Jeffrsquos wife suggests he begin to question for the first time if there ismore behind these decisions Starting with the Difference Makerhe asks for help
Beliefs Baggage
Whether he accepts a promotion is not the point He is his ownman free to make decisions about his future without an underlyingfear of loss undermining his goals
Any one of us may have our sense of identity buried under moundsof such beliefs I am stupid I am annoying No one can truly loveme I do not belong herehellip and on and on it goes We watch ourdreams float past like clouds and mutter ldquoI canrsquot I am not enoughrdquo
Another point of view
Self-loathing a sense of worthlessness and negative self-talk may
Godrsquos
Thoughts
Our
Thoughts
be familiar and oddly comforting Perhaps this ishow someone significant to us treats us Maybe itis all we have known No matter how the put-downs started God wants to change our thinking
He highly values us He created people in hisimagesup1 He made humans but a little lower thanhimselfsup2
These facts do not make us little gods he alone isGod He said ldquoMy thoughts are nothing like yourthoughts and my ways are far beyond anythingyou could imaginerdquosup3
By questioning our worth are we not assuminghis thoughts are the lower ones We curse onehuman being who is made in Godrsquos likeness andoften harshly judge others who remind us ofourselves⁴
43
Take in the Difference Makerrsquos messages
I am whole as Godrsquos artFor I am Godrsquos handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do goodworks which he prepared in advance for me to do ⁵
He created my inmost being he knit me together in my motherrsquoswomb⁶
I am whole because I am newThis means that I who belong to Christ have become a new personMy old life is gone a new life has begun⁷
Because of the LORDrsquos great love I am not consumed for hiscompassions never fail They are new every morning Great is Godrsquosfaithfulness ⁸
God does not make mistakes therefore I matter God loves me with an unending love therefore I am lovable
I am human with strengths and weaknesses like everyone therefore I am as valuable
There is purpose for my life therefore I will make a differenceI am who God says I am therefore I have a unique identity
44
Taking Godrsquos point of view to heart is to embrace grace thatmysterious and priceless gift of Godrsquos favor and blessing that no onecan earn
45
I belong because I am Godrsquos childSee what great love the Father has lavished on me that I should becalled a child of God And that is what I am ⁹
I belong and am a friend of JesusI am friends with the Lord and Savior Yes Abraham believedGodhellip and he was called a friend of Godsup1⁰
He calls me friend for everything that he has learned from theFather he has made known to mesup1sup1
I am secureThough my father and mother forsake me the LORD will receivemesup1sup2
I am one of Good Shepherdrsquos sheep and I listen to his voice Heknows me and I follow him He gives me eternal life and I willnever perish No one can snatch me away for the Father is morepowerful than anyone else No one can snatch me from the Fatherrsquoshandsup1sup3
I am strong when I am weakChristrsquos grace is all I need His power works best in myweakness So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so thatthe power of Christ can work through mesup1⁴
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Thank you for making me so
wonderfully complex Your
workmanship is marvelous -
how well I know it
Psalm 13914
Practical Exercise 4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a game somethingwith a little challenge in it to help make a thought exchange So Imade one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Word-Swap
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automatically
speak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourself
names Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckhellipExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friendhellip
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might makeyou cringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
47
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look about youand write down all you have accomplished in the last 24 hours (Youread this page right That is one) No matter how small you think theaccomplishment it is evidence to the contrary of never do anythingright
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved ones tomarketers to abusers messages given us as children and older cancome from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable of realisticinsight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged false negative corebeliefs of their own Are they suggestible and reactionary with theiremotions Are they knowledgeable and wise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
48
Next test messages and messengers
5Extreme
Conclusions How I feel in this moment is how I will always feel No
one is trustworthy If the result will be perfect Irsquoll do it if not I wonrsquot try God only helps those who help themselves
Irsquoll make sure you are happy Irsquoll sleep when Irsquom dead I always do what is right and you never do If I do not get
this new job Irsquoll have to go back to the old one
Extreme conclusions are mental
destinations We travel there via trains ofthought Four main engines pull separate linesof cargo cars loaded with random thoughtsand assumptions These engines are calledBlack-and-white All-or-nothing Either-orand Pass-fail
Extreme conclusions are depressive whenexpectations are not met For example in thesports world winning is everything If an
Disclaimer Absolute truths exist as expressedthroughout this book that is not the topic here
Pass-fail
athlete with a pass-fail mindset loses the athletersquos sense of personalvalue may hang on the scoreboard
49
Primarily this mindsetjudges By dissecting life andboxing it in with manmaderules it labels situationspeople ideas emotions andeven God as all good or all
bad
Unwanted or disagreeable
Throughout a lifetime gray areas or for the sake of this chapter themiddle track is where most decisions are made We want to land atreasonable conclusions Listening learning compromising makingfair judgments and extending mercy swiftly carry us to that moresatisfying place
Once there we find closer relationships higher self-esteemforgiveness and honesty
It is imperative our thoughts ride the middle rails Outside of thatwe lose sight of options We wind up lost in Extreme Conclusionsour minds closed
Black-and-white (judgmental)
Black-and-white thinking is themonster truck of thought enginesthe gold medalist in conveyingundecipherable messages to ourbrain at speeds so fast that we areat Extreme Conclusions wellbefore we have had a chance to reconsider
50
ideas and emotions are stored out of reach and dismissed
Jesus lived in the gray Violently against hypocricy and manmadereligious laws and passionate about his Father he taught atransformative love
Do not judgesup1 open your eyes and arms to the strangersup2 and sharewith those in needsup3 he preached Greet people who are not yourpeople⁴ pray for your enemies⁵ and do to others as you wouldwant them to do to you⁶
He was radical then and still is It was against religious rules to doany work on the Sabbath yet Jesus healed people and allowed hishungry disciples to pick grain on holy days He lifted women to ahigher plane speaking to them directly and treating them with thesame respect he offered men He welcomed women to choosediscipleship Love and decency shown to the poor and sociallydespised became a hallmark of his ministry
He was not so patient with religious hypocrites
Jesus told a now-famous parable⁷ about extreme conclusions of theself-righteous black-and-white variety and their opposite
A man of a certain race and creed was beaten by robbers and left todie Two people of the same race and creed saw him lying there andignored him
Why He was inconvenient They had work to finish and religiousrules to follow Touching a dead man back then would make themceremonially unclean for seven days⁸ They would not take thechance
51
A third man came along this time of a race andcreed that shared a long-standing animositytoward the people of the robbed man Normallythese two populations did not interact or eventouch some of the same items
Social norms did not cause this third passer-by tohesitate He saw only human need and rushed tothe aid of a person dying by the side of the roadInstead of us versus them he chose middleground
He saw
only
human
need and
rushed to
the aid of
a person
dying by
the side of
the roadInstead of
us versus
them he
chose
middle
ground
He cleaned the manrsquoswounds with oil andwine bandaged hislacerations and tookhim to an inn where theowner agreed to watchover his recovery Thekind stranger paid forroom and boardpromised to check backand left to go about hisbusiness
Black and whitejudgments often have
52
nothing to do with love The Difference Makerreminds us that he holds all knowledge and weknow but part⁹ Blinded to a log in our eyes wewill hurt people by attempting speck-removalsurgery on theirssup1⁰
ldquoMake sure that the light you think you have is not actuallydarkness If you are filled with light with no dark corners then yourwhole life will be radiant as though a floodlight were filling youwith lightrdquosup1⁰∙⁵
All-or-nothing (misdirected drive)
All-or-nothing is 101 investment in a single area of life to theexclusion of all else It is a one-track train of thought
state of constant motion stress and guilt
Whatever consumes our priorities and imagination vital momentsand relationships that make life worthwhile wilt in the cabooseDepression is an unsurprising pay-off as are heart attacks Balanceis in the middle
Common modern misdirected drives such as the love of money andcontrol over onersquos destiny are also ancient
A rich young mansup1sup1 clearly spiritually sensitive approached JesusldquoI have carefully followed all the ten commandmentsrdquo he saidldquoWhat else must I do to earn eternal liferdquo
With love Jesus offered a shocking plan He suggested the man sellhis possessions and give the money to the poor This ran far deeper
Be it work education legacyfame power pursuit of moneyor anything else an all-or-nothingmindset mimics tyrannythreatening to stop us altogetherunless we remain in a deplorable
53
than asking for a donation Jesusrsquo intentions appear less aboutsacrificial giving than faith
One sect of religious teachers at the time commonly taught thatwealth proved Godrsquos approval and was a likely ticket to heaven ifheaven existed The young man went away sad and this falseteaching may be part of the reason His question had been aboutobeying rules Jesusrsquo answer challenged him to lsquobreakrsquo one of theso-called rules that provided comfort
Driven to earn more collect more and reassure himself he missedeverything he had been looking for He was afraid of losing statushis hope of salvation by a means other than Jesus
heaven what hope was there for the poor For them Theyasked ldquoWho then can be savedrdquo
Jesus said ldquoWith man this is impossible but with God all thingsare possiblerdquo In one sentence he negated the notion that anythingbut Godrsquos grace can usher people into eternal life
All-or-nothing thinking potentially affects us in any area Jesussaid ldquoNo one can serve two masters For you will hate one and lovethe other you will be devoted to one and despise the otherrdquosup1sup2
To his disciples who witnessed thisexchange Jesus said ldquoIt is easierfor a camel to go through the eye ofa needle than for a rich person toenter the kingdom of Godrdquo
They were naturally astounded atthis unfamiliar teaching If it wereimpossible for the rich to enter
54
A popular heresy is the ldquoprosperity gospelrdquo promising gulliblepeople that God wants them rich Lest there be any doubt Paulexplains this topic in a letter to the young pastor Timothy
ldquoThese are the things you are to teach and insist on If anyoneteaches otherwise and does not agree to the sound instruction of ourLord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching they are conceited andunderstand nothing They have an unhealthy interest incontroversies and quarrels about words that result in envy strifemalicious talk evil suspicions and constant friction between peopleof corrupt mind who have been robbed of the truth and who thinkthat godliness is a means to financial gain
ldquoBut godliness with contentment is great gain For we broughtnothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it But if wehave food and clothing we will be content with that Those whowant to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into manyfoolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin anddestruction For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil Somepeople eager for money have wandered from the faith and piercedthemselves with many griefshellip
ldquoCommand those who are rich in this present world not to bearrogant nor to put their hope in wealth which is so uncertain butto put their hope in God who richly provides us with everything forour enjoyment Command them to do good to be rich in gooddeeds and to be generous and willing to share In this way they willlay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the comingage so that they may take hold of the life that is truly liferdquo
1 Timothy 63-19niv
55
Either-or (limited vision)
when he applied for work on the railroad in 1944 He was tooyoung Extreme conclusions told him it was useless to try againalthough the original dream never died
It is easy to look at William and think he could have tried hardernonetheless what about us Have we given up dreaming Are westaying in abusive relationships because we cannot see a way outHave we denied ourselves recovery because it seems impossibleDo we accept mental health struggles with an ldquooh wellrdquo shrug andbalk at seeking help
Do we worship the all-powerful all-knowing always-loving ldquoGodwith usrdquosup1sup3 or keep our distance for fear he will ruin our lives
Maybe we hide behind either-or too
Train tracks mechanically move at what are aptly called switchesRailyards have complex systems allowing engines with or withoutcars to completely reverse and travel the opposite direction
Either-or narrows ourvision to only two possiblechoices It leaves no spacefor fresh solutions Livingin this mindset isdepressive becausewhatever we want outsideof these limited options islocked out of consideration
William was turned down
56
What if God plans to conduct me through the impossible
What if his strength is enough for me to try something new
What if his wisdom will guide me safely away from repeated effortsthat have never worked and into freedom
What if I survive What if I can start over What if
Maryrsquos and Martharsquos brother Lazarus was severely illsup1⁴ Worriedthe sisters sent an urgent message to Jesus Please come
His reaction is still jolting
Lazarus died To many Jesusrsquo slowness did not look like concernenough
Martha ran to meet him as he arrived at town She said ldquoIf you hadonly been here my brother would not have diedrdquo
ldquoNow Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus Sowhen he heard that Lazarus was sick he stayed where hewas two more dayshelliprdquo (italics mine)
Switches are a massive undertaking andan engineering marvel
In what we may appropriately callanother marvel the Difference Makerwillingly switches at any time our one-track thoughts If we allow Godrsquospossibilities to override our either-orfaith asks a positive ldquowhat ifrdquo
57
Mary slumped at his feet tortured by the same thought ldquoLord ifyou had been herehelliprdquo Visitors who had come to grieve with Marthaand Mary mumbled ldquoHe could have saved Lazarusrsquo lifehelliprdquo
Deeply impassioned by the lack of faith around himsup1⁵ Jesuswalked to a small cave covered by a stone It was Lazarusrsquo graveldquoMove the stonerdquo he said
ldquoBut Lordrdquo said Martha ldquoBy this time there is a bad odor for hehas been there four daysrdquo
Lazarusrsquo sisters were stuck in either-or thinking partially due to thesociety in which they grew up Among the many false religiousteachings of their day it was believed that the soul left the bodypermanently after three days
The stone out of the way Jesus called in a loud voice ldquoLazaruscome outrdquo
Lazarus emerged from the dark caveinto daylight Jesus said ldquoTake offhis grave clothes and let him gordquo
No one had expected this No onedreamed that Jesusrsquo love includedthe inexplicable
No one had
expected
this
Four days after death meant no more hopefor miracles Either Jesus had come quicklyor it was too late Either Jesus had raisedLazarus a day earlier or it was impossibleeven for him
58
The disciples had heard him say earlier that Lazarus would live Hehad informed Martha also that Lazarus would be raised Yet thatwas not enough for them to understand and believesup1⁶
Jesus wept with Mary and Martha yearning to increase their faithHe was glad to see many of the witnesses finally set aside theirdoubts
The resurrection of Lazarus was significant for another reasonWhen powerful religious leaders heard about this miracle theirsomewhat paranoid ideas about Jesus and how many people wereturning to him increased They convened as a unit to plot Jesusrsquomurder not admitting they had no power to kill him outside ofGodrsquos timing
Ultimately by waiting to answer the sistersrsquo desperate plea thecompletion of Christ Jesusrsquo great mission took place voluntarilypaying the bloody price for our sins and coming back from deathThrough the experience of Lazarus he had left his followers withproof of his power to restore life no matter the odds
The death Lazarus endured was never in vain God who exists intimelessness knew precisely what everyone needed most They sawsuffering he saw the unfolding of his perfect plan They grieved theend of a life he rejoiced at the beginning of eternal life for all whowould trust in him completely
The Difference Makerworks miracles farbeyond either-or
59
60
A pass-or-fail train of thought is brutal Without mercy itdemands an accounting for every mistake Do not think it rewardswise choices No this train is on to the next opportunity to runover its victim Most often that is you
Olivetrsquos goal is to find a job in a new career Measuring her successby using a scale of 1-100 she gives herself a 30 for returning toschool as an older adult Finishing with an Associatersquos degree sheadds another 30 She finds it difficult to land a job Does this dropher back to zero
Pass-or-fail thinking takes such a punch and does not rise All thiseffort has been a waste of time
Mercy accepts realityrsquos middles Is stamina in Olivetrsquos job searchworth 20 She counts her successful steps Already she is at 80and not yet hired
Is anything more emotionallyself-punishing than to measureourselves against an impossiblestandard The psalmist wroteldquoEven perfection has itslimitshelliprdquosup1⁷
Pass-or-fail (merciless)
Unemployed Olivet might look like a loserto some Not to God ldquoPeople judge by theoutward appearance but the Lord looks atthe heartsup1⁸
61
One of Jesusrsquo closest friends Peter was an emotional man withgood intentions and quick impulses Words tended to leap from hismouth before careful thought
He opened his mouth one time too many Only hours before Jesuswas arrested on trumped-up charges Peter vowed his allegiancesaying ldquoEven if I have to die with you I will never deny yourdquosup1⁹
Jesus said ldquoPeter before morning by the time a rooster crowstwice you will have already denied me three timesrdquo
A crowd of men armed with swords and clubs took Jesus intocustody in the middle of the night His disciples scattered in fearPeter had enough courage to follow Jesus to the trial albeit fromfar behind He found himself hiding near a campfire with guardsand others who had been at the arrestsup2⁰
A servant girl recognized him ldquoYou were one of those with Jesusrdquo
Peter answered for all those around the fire to hear ldquoI donrsquot knowwhat yoursquore talking aboutrdquo
A rooster crowed in the background
As the rumor traveled people staredA voice spoke from the shadows ldquoHeis one of themrdquo
Panicking Peter said ldquoI swear I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Other bystanders confronted him
ldquoYou must be one of his followers Youraccent gives you awayrdquo
rooster crows Agonizing shame stabbed at his heart andbeleaguered his mind You will deny me three times before therooster crows twice Bolting from that place Peter wept bitterly
If life is a pass-fail test with God Peter failed At the mostimportant moment in history he crumbled That is not the end ofPeterrsquos story
Jesus was crucified Three days later after Jesus rose to life Peterraced with all his might to the grave to see if this report weretruesup2sup1 I imagine he had never dreamed of a second chance
Jesus showed himself to the disciples several times over the nextforty days One morning as he sat with seven of them Jesus saidto Peter ldquoDo you love me more than theserdquosup2sup2
American English is limited in that we use one word for loverelying on inflection and context to fill-in-the-blanks The ancientlanguages of the Bible were more specific Jesus was asking ldquoDoyou love me dearly more than these other disciples do Do youlove me now with total commitment and devotionrdquo
62
If life is a pass-
fail test with
God Peter
failed
ldquoA curse on me if Irsquom lying I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Immediately the rooster crowedagain
Before the rooster crows Before the
Having once said he would not deny Jesus even if everyone elsedid Peterrsquos pride was tested Understanding clearly that the Lordknew him better than he knew himself he may have been afraid toanswer Perhaps he doubted his capability to love like he had beencertain he could
He said ldquoYou know that I love You with a deep personal affectionas for a close friendrdquo
ldquoThen feed my lambsrdquo Jesus told him restoring Peter to hispreaching and teaching ministry
Jesus repeated the question ldquoSimon son of John (as Peter was alsoknown) do you love me dearly more than these others do withtotal commitment and devotionrdquo
Peter stood by his original friend-type answer
ldquoThen take care of my sheeprdquo
Suddenly Jesus changed his question ldquoPeter do you love me witha deep personal affection as for a close friendrdquo
It is almost as if Jesus were questioning Peterrsquos truth-telling but doyou really Perhaps this is how Peter heard it Still torn up byshame and self-doubt his reply was emphatic ldquoYou knoweverythingrdquo
Jesus assured him in a perplexing way ldquoWhen you grow old youwill stretch out your hands and arms and someone else will dressyou and carry you where you do not wish to gordquo
63
To Peter this dire news meant that he would one day be the manhe wanted to become Unafraid to love Jesus with his whole hearthe would stare martyrdom in the eye and courageously accept thecost of following the Messiah
One can almost feel the relief that swept over Peterrsquos body makinghis arms limp and body sag Although scripture does not tell us Iimagine Peter weeping again this time in gratitude and relief
Jesus said ldquoFollow merdquo
Three years earlier Jesus had called to Peter to follow him theoriginal language meaning ldquoCome hererdquo Peter had enthusiasticallybecome a believer and devotee Why say it again
This time the word follow was an invitation to walk the same pathJesus had walked Peter had a quality decision to make He wasforgiven and grace welcomed him back Would he accept
Later Peter faced the council that had condemned Jesus to die Thiswas said of him ldquoThe members of the council were amazed whenthey saw the boldness of Peterhelliprdquosup2sup3 Yes Peter accepted and so canwe Our failures or missteps do not determine our value
Paul reflected on why God houses his great power in humanbelievers calling us ldquofragile clay jarsrdquosup2⁴
Fragility with clay feet like Peterrsquos helps to keep us from theextreme conclusion that we are wiser than God becoming big-shotsforgetting that all good and perfect gifts are from the DifferenceMakersup2⁵ who loves us with an everlasting love
64
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord Irsquom standing at the crossroads
and looking asking for the ancient
paths asking where the good way is
so I can walk in it You promise it is
there that I will find rest for my soul
Guide me Lord Amen
Based on Jeremiah 616
66
Practical Exercise 5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
67
Keep
working
68
Next know when to say yes for a most-fulfilling life
Knowing what is of utmostimportance to you will helpprevent misdirected drive
1 Take time to list all yourcurrent obligations This willinclude family friends jobfinancial expenditures physicalhealth mental health spiritualgoals what God has asked ofyou and anything that youmust finish
2 Look realistically at theabove Is there anything thatdoes not fit within your daily
availability finances emotionalenergy or physical capabilities
3 Is there anything you canremove from this list Ask forGodrsquos wisdom
What remains are your yesses
With rare exceptions everythingelse is a no Each time you agreeto secondary activities expensesor obligations you are trading-in and saying no to something(or someone) you more highlyvalue
Making new
obligations
copyNancy Virden 2012
Popularity spending
more money
entertainmenthellip
6Hopelessness
Some thoughts No win is possible Nothing can improve These losses are too heavy with only more to come God
cannot stand me anymore My family is better off without me I am a burden Everyone else is happier I cannot
fight the pain anymore Irsquom done
True hopelessness has no sense of humor It is scary and
overbearing on each minute of the day It is not somewhat hopefullike when a possibility is unlikely it is devoid of any expectationsfor good now or in the future Abject hopelessness can be fatal
This fact drives the passion behind me and many ministries andservices trying to spread another message what seems like an endis a faccedilade fakery 0ptions are only hidden in the darkness hope isalways present even when we temporarily cannot see it
If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is call
Nothing in this book is to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care
US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis text line- Text ldquoHELLOrdquo to 741-741
For other international hotlines go here
If you are suicidal with a plan immediately call 911 in the US (112 in the
EU) or go to your nearest emergency room
69
The Real
I am a suicide attempt survivor One cannot climb out of that airlesspit without having learned new ways to breathe
Only a few days after leaving the hospital I attended the PartialHospitalization Program (PHP) suggested by my doctors There apotent weapon to use against suicidal thoughts came from anunlikely source
The scene was a small room intended for about fifteen peoplecrowded instead with twenty-five or more who were scrambling forchairs A few chatting voices exposed the general climate ldquoImheaded for rehab I just got back Im going to lose my job if Imiss any more workldquo
Most of us stared silently A single therapist managed to find spaceand called everyone to quiet
At his leading one by one people offered a number between 1-5rating the power of their suicidal thoughts Most chose 2 or 3 A fewof us with higher numbers were challenged to offer specific plansfor staying safe until the next day One man was sent back to thehospital
Then a woman spoke quietly A thought is just a thought I guesswe do not have to act on itldquo
I was stunned Her simple logic sounded profound to a braintangled in disorder and raging mood swings A thought ishellip only athought I tried to sort it out But how I feel now is how I willalways feelhellip
70
it differently but Iwill try to offer aglimpse into thatdark space
Alone in a pitch-black alley youcollapse to theground soundless
Unless you have been there it will be difficult to comprehend thegrueling emotions of a suicidal mindset Each person experiences
groans wrenching from deep within your torso
Thick briers and vipers pervade the trail that led you here Foryears you have navigated treacherous mountains of jagged rocksand falling boulders Your body is broken and bloodied
If you could or wanted to move the only way to continue yourjourney would be to grasp with ripped open hands the barbed wirefence by which you entered the alley place your torn feet on itsspikes and climb
Snarls in the blackness feel warm to your face A feral angry caninesnaps at you brushing your clothes with bared teeth Without fearyou sense it is a friend Its hungry jowls are only waiting for you todecide
As the only visible option outside of returning to the torture of whatcannot change the caninersquos guarantee is welcome hellip
Imagine then in that hopeless place hearing that the snarlingpromise is only a thought
71
The Difference Maker
It is the strangest thing When therapy started in 2011 I feltvulnerable like a toddler I could feel that inner child growing upto 6 10 then teen over the next months and years In my actualmid-fifties I declared my new 20 God gave me a chance toemotionally redo childhood safely this time while he re-parentedme with truth
What I had been so certain I could not live without never came tobe Some of the losses I feared have occurred Joy today comesfrom having rediscovered who our Creator intended me to becomePeace is from healing on the inside and finally having my hopewhere it belongs in the love of Jesus Christ
Pressure made it
nearly impossible
to breathe the
only air - leaking
from a cracked
sewer pipe
Marco was buried alive A wall of dirtand rock crashed over him forcinghis legs into a backward twist andlanding him head downwardPressure on his chest made it nearlyimpossible to breathe the only airavailable leaking from a crackedsewer pipe
The day passed as frantic rescueefforts continued Finally Marco waswhisked away to the nearest hospitalHe had been buried for eleven hours
Resulting physical disabilities make daily life challenging YetMarco has chosen contentment over bitterness Calm andcompassion have replaced old self-centered and impatient ways
72
The foundational extreme conclusion of hopelessness is thatnothing can change It may be true that our circumstances orrelationships will not change as we would like Perhaps it is we whocan change Maybe what we think we need for happiness is worthreconsidering
ldquoForget the former things do not dwell on the pastrdquo God saysldquoSee I am doing a new thing Now it springs up do you notperceive it I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in thewastelandsup1
My biggest leap toward a return to mental health was making awary deliberate decision to learn how to enjoy the life God gave tome Hope begins to appear when we choose to believe for it
The One who sees you
God loves you He cares about you He is not distant too busy ordistracted The LORD is close to the brokenheartedsup2 He whowatches over you will not slumbersup3
Hagar⁴ as an Egyptian slave pregnant and in a contentiousrelationship with the woman she served had run out of optionsShe ran away into the desert where the angel of the Lord met her
He said God was aware of her misery He promised she was havinga son who would be as free as a wild donkey⁴∙⁵ and the father ofmany nations
No doubt she carried deep longing for any future children to be freefrom slavery Reassured of her own future too she said ldquoYou arethe God who sees merdquo
73
As you walk secret trails through unwanted memories of shameand torment and you believe you are a waste of skin there isOne who knows you completely and loves
Overwhelmed in a desert of grief and questions seeing only moreloss in your tomorrows there is One who weeps with you whostands with you in broken-heartedness
He loves the child once so battered by other peoples sins He lovesthe adult in need of rescue from your own sins He sent his Son forboth and offers salvation and healing to each part of you
So when you believe there is no hope for change and everyonewill be better off without you there is One who sees hears knowsand loves
Go ahead ask him to meet you where you are He is the only Onewith the power to guide you through the next minute hour dayand year Reach out to Almighty God your Difference Maker
In your alley of hopelessness alonewhen fear of staying alive swampsyour mind and suicide seems theonly way out there is One who seesyou
Buried alive under mounds ofdespair and emptiness lying in thedark corner of a lifeless roomthere is One who hears your silentscreams and understands what youcannot speak
74
Dear child of God you are not failing him
which can come with depression From fellowship topersonal Bible study to a sense of Godrsquos love it was all missing
Of course at the time I had no idea of a physical cause for thisspiritual struggle It seemed my fault Abject lonelinesshopelessness a sense of worthlessness and guilt were what I knewPain Sorrow Torment Repeat
Occasional one-word whispered prayers lifted from my bed I criedfor what seemed like the absence of God
Then I saw Jesus There he stood in a mental picture a gift fromheaven He did not speak chase suffering away or take me to bewith him Unfelt he was only there with me in the dark I knewChrist Jesus never left
Relearning how to think resolving terrible situations physicalhealing of the brain these take a while God never walks away⁵His promises keep⁶ His love endures forever ⁷
Without a doubt the most significant lossand cause of grief as I struggled with severedepression was the inability to hear Godrsquosvoice I feared he would never speak to meagain that I had gone too far I feltspiritually dead
It was not true How can one be spirituallydead and care about it Typical experiencesaccompanying my Christian faith were outof reach due to cognitive and energy issuesand anxiety
75
1 Empathy2 Impulse Control3 Self-knowing Awareness
and Insight4 Fear Modulation5 Body Regulation6 Intuition7 Morality8 Emotion Regulation
1 Fear Processing2 Initiates the Fight Flight or
Freeze Response3 Emotional Learning4 Form Memories Related to
Intense Emotions Like Fear and Pleasure
5 Involved in Experiencing Anxiety
6 Reward ProcessingFigure 1
F U N C T I O N S
F U N C T I O N S
A few scientific facts (simplified so I can understand them) mayhelp clarify why spiritual vagueness might accompany depressionor anxiety
During an episode with depression the prefrontal cortex of ourbrain wrestles to varying degrees to function as normal Scans haveshown little activity there in a person with severe depressionResults may include impaired concentration confusion increasedimpulsivity mood swings heightened anxiety and a state offatigue
Our amygdala is also on overdrive so we are thrust into fightflight or freeze survival mode We may lose our ability to feelanything good
76
When a delivery is made to a wrong address everything in thepackage exists in full but is unavailable to the rightful owner Inthe same way while we are dealing with depression the advice torest in Godrsquos love know his joy and fill our minds with his peacelands at the wrong doorstep We have faith nevertheless there isno felt connection to him We do not experience God or lovingGod
With input running through this filter we may believe we arespiritual failures I am not good enough for God hersquos tired of meministry is over These thoughts are untrue and not how Godviews his dear children
Scripture shares testimonies of God meeting people at their pointsof need without chiding them Accounts of faith riding outdepression⁸ comfort after sorrow⁹ protection during panicsup1⁰good news calming anxietysup1sup1 and trust during hopelesssituationssup1sup2 are numerous In Elijahrsquos story alone we have abeautiful example of Godrsquos tenderness toward a deeply depressed
prophet who struggled with suicidal thoughtssup1sup3
your thoughts comings and goings motives and emotionssup1⁴ Heknows your complete story
Our Creator understands how the brain works Is God who notices
By restricting mental health challenges tothe realm of the spiritual or to the moralwe disregard the body and mind aspects ofour complete person
Look at your whole self as God does Hesees you and knows your name He knows
77
every sparrow that falls unaware of your confusionsup1⁵ Hispromises to turn all things out for our good and to grow our faiththrough trials do not imply quick work Be patient with yourselfOne day at a time as you are ready God will reveal what he wantsyou to know
If you cannot feel him while severely depressed he has not goneanywhere You are not failing the Difference Maker byexperiencing the painful emotion of hopelessness
God gives us people
Proverbs 1814-16 was written by King Solomon a champion ofseeking wise counsel It reads ldquoThe human spirit can endure insickness but a crushed spirit who can bear The heart of thediscerning acquires knowledge for the ears of the wise seek it outrdquo
Ultimately it is your and my responsibility to save our lives andescape hopelessness Like a child trying to lift a rock twice her sizewe are not using all our available strength if we do not turn to onewho is able to assist
The Difference Maker can lead us to people he has gifted withknowledge and talent to help us with our specific needs
Family and friendsExpectations for support from family and friends might be a let-down Each of us only knows his own despondency and joysup1⁶
Just as we cannot fully understand how others feel or experiencelife loved ones and friends who genuinely care for our wellbeingdo not always know what to say or do when we express hopelessness
78
It is vital we understand this Otherwise in a fragile state we mightmisperceive their unhelpfulness or distance as lack of love
In their great fear of losing you or normalcy or withunsubstantiated guilt for your despair significant others may reactangrily in a controlling fashion or defensively Your calmestfriends might resort to platitudes and examples of when they weredepressed once and got over it quickly
Forgive them Tell them what you need Ask for what you need Letthem make mistakes We cannot mindread and presume to knowtheir motives either
Mental healthcare professionals
Most of us go to a mechanic to havesomeone with skill fix our car We wouldnot stay long if they started knitting newparts There is nothing helpful to gainfrom opinions without experience or
insight either
79
ldquoWalk with the wise and become wiserdquosup1⁷ Professional mentalhealth caretakers are available almost everywhere whether onlineover the phone or in person Licensing means they have receivedthe necessary training for walking people through uniquechallenges that present with mental illness personality and otherdisorders trauma addiction and relationship dynamics
Two terms frequently confused are psychiatrist and psychologistPsychiatrists are medical doctors (MD or DO) Like all medicalspecialists it is their job to assess symptoms and prescribe a course
80
of action Psychiatrists rarely offer psychotherapy (talk therapy)Office visits are usually about 15 minutes They prescribemedication based on revealed symptoms
Psychologists generally are talk therapists with a doctorate inpsychology (PsyDPhD) Sessions with clients typically run 50-60minutes These sessions may vary in style based on any givendoctorrsquos preferred approach Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)has statistically proven more effective for depression and anxietythan other therapy methods
Licensed therapists may practice within specialties such as traumaor addiction Common abbreviations you may have seen includeLMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist LPC (LicensedProfessional Counselor) LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)There are also LPAs (Licensed Psychological Associates) LifeCoach and Peer Support certificates do not include the advancedtraining required for most therapists unless the individual hassought those degrees as well
Christian counselors and pastorspriestsSome believers insist they must see a Christian counselor Thereare of course different perspectives to this
DW leads a ministry for pastors in need of mental health servicesHe said ldquoI would rather people see [a non-believer therapist] whoknows what he is doing than a Christian who does notrdquo
The titles Christian Counselor or Pastoral Counselor are not anautomatic assumption of extensive training Not everyone isequipped to use the Bible effectively for psychiatric or behavioralhealth issues
81
Because a woman advertised herself as a Christian counselor Iwent to see her Within three weeks I realized her version of faithwas the humanistic concept of a christ-within We are our ownsaviors and deity according to her No that is idolatry notauthentic Christian faith which acknowledges One God one Savior
Except for a single time I have sought licensed mental healthprofessionals who follow Jesus A secular psychiatrist was patientwith my faith until I mentioned hearing from God Then shethought I had lost touch with reality
Both the christ-within counselor and the psychiatrist were limitedbecause they could not understand the most important part of howI think Godrsquos Word is my guide honoring God is my highest goaland listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit is imperative
Your story is not over
Her tattoo seemed meaningless Whywould anyone want a semi-colon onher upper arm Years later I wear asemi-colon ring
As a punctuation mark the semi-colonis placed where a sentence could endbut the author decides to continue Forsuicide attempt survivors around theworld it is a symbol of choosing to liveout onersquos story after wanting to closethe book
Semi-colon commodities are shows of solidarity of hope and for
82
some a reminder We are making our stories known so you toowill realize that hopelessness does not define your futureRegardless of what you may feel hear us Your story is not over Itis time for a new chapter
Godrsquos plan for you
is not done
he has
much to show you
I am glad you are
alive God feels
that way about you
too
We found out it is
true our
lives are
not futile
Dear supports
Job (pronounced jobe) lived about 4000 years ago His story ispreserved in the Bible book titled with his namesup1⁸ Jobrsquosprosperity comfort and high standing role as judge and advisorwere unmatched
In one day Job lost about a third of his farm animals thousands ofthem to robbery and the rest about 7000 to fire Most of hisfarm hands were murdered by the robbers and his shepherds diedin the fire Only three men survived to tell Job what hadhappened
While Job reeled from this disastrous news a fourth man ran up
ldquoMasterrdquo the servant said ldquoyour sonrsquos house collapsed underpowerful winds All ten of your children were inside IhellipI am theonly survivorrdquo
Job sunk to the ground in a daze As was befitting such sadness inhis culture he shaved his head tore his clothes and sat in ashes
Soon he developed from head to toe a ldquoburning ulcerationrdquo of hisskin This illness commonly translated in the plural as boils issingular in the original Hebrew language in which it was recordedMost likely black leprosy swollen open sores turned all his skinblack and crusty until it eventually fell off Job scratched at intenseitching with a broken piece of pottery
His bones deteriorated Nightmares invaded his sleep Hestruggled to eat becoming gaunt and weak ldquoJust curse God anddierdquo his wife said in her own grief
83
People who used to look up to him now mocked him Young peopledared spit in his face The disease was contagious and incurable inJobrsquos time so even his servant responded only when Job begged Hewas humiliated and lonely
Stripped of everything three supports still managed to add to hissuffering
Jobrsquos friends came to visit as soon as they heard the news Shockedthey barely recognized him For seven days and nights they offeredthe kind of support we long for when feeling hopeless In silencethey sat nearby his suffering too great for words
Job spoke first Anguish poured from the pit in his belly Hequestioned the value of his life wondering why he had ever beenborn and why God would not let him die now
ldquoWhat I always feared has happened to me I have no rest onlytrouble comesrdquo he said
Immediately one agitated friend accused him of foolish talkdismissing his emotions as irrelevant compared to propriety
Each piled on
84
ldquoYou sound like a blustering windrdquo
ldquoListen God is doubtless punishing yourdquo
ldquoYour children must have sinned against him so their punishmentwas well deserved toordquo
Invalidation and judgment swallowed compassion whole Theycontinued their drivel ldquoWho are you to question Godrsquos wisdomYou need to be quiet and listen to us If you would only admit yoursin life would be happy againrdquo
In a cruel twist these arguments forced the one who was sufferingto defend his pain Instead of helping or comforting his friendsdragged fragile Job across the burning sands of rejectionfrustration and emotional abandonment
Dear supports learn from these men They were sorely wrong andGod said sosup1⁹
Why platitudes do not helpThe Great Physician and Counselor Jesus Christ heals with thethread of his Word He reaches for the darkest wounds in a humansoul and stitches them precisely and accurately one at a timeThere in the recesses the Word of God is counsel and lightsup2⁰
Three least helpful responses to someone feeling depressed orhopeless are anger and demand absence and fake cheeriness orplatitudes
Sharon inherited her childhood home and immediately tore downthe wall her mother used to bang her head against as a child
85
86
How can telling Sharon to forgive her mother take root if shame isall she has known Help her tear down the reminder wall first thenshe can stop staring at it and listen
Edward carries a full water bottle everywhere to subtly remindhimself he is not drowning when flashbacks threaten to send himinto a panic Why would the advice to have more faith encouragehim when he has never felt safe Give him water bottles first Asfear subsides he will hear the glad message
Aiesha carries a list of affirmations to read when her dadrsquosparalyzing voice creeps into her thoughts telling her she isworthless What will she do with promises of an identity in Christwhen she does not know what an identity is Fill Aiesharsquos emptylove tank first then her functioning heart can learn to see thedaughter God saw as he created her
Supports dare not try to rush the healing process by makingsomeone feel small and inadequate at feeling better Let us notdismiss the Difference Makerrsquos tender provision of patience andtiming
He has the wisdom and means to retrain a crippled thoughtprocess and belief system Meticulously and gently he cleans outand sews up layers of hurt and unhelpful thinking at a speed eachof his children can handle
Warning signs of suicide
From NIMHnihgovThe behaviors listed below may be signs that someone is thinkingabout suicide If these warning signs apply to you or someone youknow get help as soon as possible particularly if the behavior is newor has increased recently
Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill themselves Talking about feeling empty hopeless or having no reason to live Planning or looking for a way to kill themselves such as searching
for lethal methods online stockpiling pills or buying a gun Talking about great guilt or shame Showing despair or suicidal themes in original artwork or music Talking about feeling trapped or that there are no solutions Feeling unbearable pain (emotional pain or physical pain) Talking about being a burden to others Using alcohol or drugs more often Acting anxious or agitated Withdrawing from family and friends Changing eating andor sleeping habits Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge Taking great risks that could lead to death Displaying extreme mood swings from very sad to very calm
happy Giving away important possessions Saying goodbye to friends and family Putting affairs in order making a will
If you support a loved one or friend who struggles withhopelessness it is important to access resources andinformation Be prepared to support them well Gohere and here
87
Prayer to the Difference Maker
For the glory of your name
O Lord preserve my life
Because of your faithfulness
bring me out of this distress
Amen
Psalm 14311
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have the energy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeutic Even baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make your own
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that
Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list
Play music
Set the table
Take a shower
Sit with the family
Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today
Go for a walk with a person or your dog
Eat a healthy meal
Attend participate in a support group
Paint a picture or put a puzzle together
Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor
Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Practical Exercise 6 Live a little
89
Next allow hope
Think about your values as a guide Write downwhat is important to you and keep the list whereyou can see it Each day after you have a choicestick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
Lower your stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
For more ideas visit stress management here
90
Consider climbing these next few steps bottom to top in your search for professional help
If you are in crisis now do not wait Call 911 immediately or go toyour nearest emergency room
5 Feel free to switch You are doing
the hiring Find help not more confusion
1 Pray Ask the Difference Maker
to lead you to the right person Keep
praying even after you are in
sessions
4 Interview therapists Be specific
about what you need Ask a support to
do the interviewing for you if you are
not strong enough
3 Get recommendations for
therapists and doctors if possible
from believers of Jesus who have
received professional help Go here for
a reference page
2 Do not use stigma to
determine what method
of treatment will work
for you Listen to those
in-the-know
91
Envy secretly resents those who have what she wants Hence shecannot reflect the image of God who already owns everything Hehas no reason to envy
7Jealousy and Envy
Some thoughts Why canrsquot I have the family he does She has a dream job must be nice Hersquos had all the advantages I want my co-workerrsquos car Itrsquos not fair I want my wife here with me Who are these ldquofriendsrdquo he keeps talking about
Jealousy and Envy are notidentical Envy is the quiet sisterwhose eyes flit back and forthnever satisfied with who she isor what she has Hungry for theelusive she does not rememberher own blessings Her pursuitof happiness in a thing personor achievement focuses only onthe future
Twin sisters Jealousy and Envy are destructive to our
wellbeing They are intrusive obnoxious and interfere with ourpeace We do well to run the other way when we see these siblingscoming
92
The sister Jealousy robs people and atmospheres of joy Forinstance she might mumble ldquomust be nicerdquo if the object of herjealousy tries to share a happy story She complains bitterly
Jealousy acts possessively when someone she claims to loverefuses her control She makes threats and seeks vengeance Oftensuspicious energized by insecurity jealousy is nicknamed agreen-eyed monster for good reason
The Lord said this about himself ldquoDo not worship any othergod for the LORD whose name is Jealous is a jealous Godrdquosup1 Theword jealous in this verse in the original written language refersonly to God There is no resemblance to human jealousy which isseverely flawed
Godrsquos jealousy is holy He is jealous for us (not of us) because wegive our devotion to things that offer no hope He is not in a rivalryover our souls because he has no rival He is not jealous of anothergod because he is the Only True God He simply wants his people
to honor him to stay in the relationship
Unfortunately jealousy in the human form is unproductiveAccording to James ldquoWhere jealousy and selfish ambition existthere will be disorder and every vile practiceldquosup2 King Solomon alsowarned ldquoA heart at peace gives life to the body but envy rots thebonesldquosup3
Run for your life from the sisters
People are lost in the peripheral when we zero in on what theyhave Are we more drawn to the bling in a home or to the personwho invited us there
93
HumilityThe word humble means to dismiss self-reliance and become fully-dependent on God according to the original written language ofthe New Testament
Joe burned with anger so deep he thought it would kill him Hecried out to God for vengeance and relief from the cause of hispain The Holy Spirit nudged him toward humble willingnessFinally Joe prayed ldquoLord change merdquo
Do we hear what someone is saying or plot how to sound smarter
Are we glad for the friend who has what we want or do we sit backin bitterness
Jealousy and Envy isolate us emotionally keeping us too busycomparing to care Unable to give love fully we cannot receive it
either
Humility Willingness and Love are the Difference Makerrsquosbouncers ready to prevent thoughts of jealousy and envy fromovershadowing our joy
Like Joe humility takes responsibilityfor onersquos heart and refrains fromcasting blame everywhere else Joe washappy to discover his anger gonewithin a few days replaced by mercy
Humility gives us that freedom toexamine ourselves unafraid to setdenial aside Self-protection cannot
94
95
compare to Godrsquos great love Once aware of our need for mercy and his forgiveness we can offer it to others
Paul challenged his readers ldquoIn your relationships with oneanother have the same mindset as Christ Jesus Who being invery nature God did not consider equality with God something tobe used to his own advantage rather he made himself nothing bytaking the very nature of a servant being made in human likenessAnd being found in appearance as a man he humbled himself bybecoming obedient to death mdash even death on a crossrdquo⁴
Willingness is slippery It can be emotional and reactionaryreluctant and resigned or surrendered and devoted Willingness isproven by action
A man had two sons He went to the first and said ldquoSon go andwork today in the vineyardrdquo
ldquoI will notrdquo the boy answered Nonetheless he soon changed hismind and obeyed his father
The man went to his second son and requested he go to thevineyard to work This boy answered ldquoI will sirrdquo and never went
Jesus told the above parable⁵ to challenge stuffy holier-than-thoureligious leaders whose claims to know God were at odds with theirunacceptance of Godrsquos Son They were like the boy who said yesand did not follow through
Meanwhile societyrsquos unreligious outcasts were coming to JesusLike the first son they changed their minds and began doing whatthe heavenly Father asks of us
Love is described best in what many call The Love Chapter⁷ in theBible We learn first that love is kind Love celebrates with thosewho are glad and aches alongside people who are in sorrow⁸
We will never find the selfish sisters Jealousy and Envy trulysharing in a personrsquos joy Instead they smile and squeak out tersecongratulations while sincere love stands proud of theaccomplishments and blessings of others unafraid of their success
Neither do the sisters grieve for the sake of anotherrsquos heart Inworst case scenarios jealousy and envy are glad when people whoseem to have better lives suffer
Continuing with the definition of love we see it does not envy orboast it is not proud God said ldquoLet not the wise boast of theirwisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast oftheir riches but let the one who boasts boast about this that theyhave the understanding to know me that I am the LORD who
Thankfully the Difference Maker is working to change us from theinside-out to grow our willingness so we can join him in his goodpurposes⁶
96
exercises kindness justice and righteousness on earth for in theseI delightrdquo⁹
Love is not rude It respectfully honors others instead of focusing onselfish ambition Love always protects so gossip and assumptionsare not part of our conversations
Love is patient not easily angered It is not delighted with thefailings and miseries of people who do wrong so it does not compilebitter records Instead love trusts and hopes
Trust and hope are not the same as denial and duplicity Lovecelebrates all truth even uneasy truth Love perseveres but doesnot enable addiction abuse or other sins Real love is tough
Too often the term love is equated with sex or a temporary high ofdelight ldquoIf you love me yoursquoll sleep with merdquo is manipulative as isldquoif you make me happy I will love yourdquo These sentiments areproud dishonoring self-seeking unkind and unprotective
Love built on what is given to us or how someone makes us feelhas no foundation and teeters on whether we tire of the gifts andhow soon those warm fuzzy feelings wear off The love of God is notdependent on superficial beauty or favors His love never fails
Jesus said ldquoDo not love the world or anything in the world Ifanyone loves the world love for the Father is not in them Foreverything in the worldmdashthe lust of the flesh the lust of theeyes and the pride of lifemdashcomes not from the Father but from theworldrdquosup1⁰
Take those eyes off the world
97
Humility of attitude willingness to act and sincere love do notstare at what only might be
Picture a lawn overrun by weeds1 Humility realizes the lawn is not so beautiful and no bragging
rights are appropriate2 Willingness pulls the weeds3 It is love that kills the weedsrsquo roots and plants fresh seed
When those weeds growing in our thoughts are jealousy and envythe same principle applies
and lift toward heaven in gratitude for what God has so generouslygiven
Paul admitted ldquoAt one time we too were foolish disobedientdeceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures Welived in malice and envy being hated and hating one another Butwhen the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared he savedus not because of righteous things we had done but because of hismercyrdquosup1sup1
We have much for which to be thankful Gratitude is our escapefrom the sisters
The purveyor of love whose verynature is love the Difference Makerfills us with his perfect brand of loveWe lose the need to control or pursuepersons to drag love out of resistantrelationships or to chase after whatwe think might please us next Oureyes turn from what we do not have
98
100
Prayer to theDifference Maker
Thank You Jesus because you
died for everyone so that we
who receive your new life will
no longer live for ourselves I
want to be one who lives for
You Christ Jesus because You
died and were raised for me
Based on 2 Corinthians 15
100
Example Thought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social event learnto be a good friend Reach out to her in kindness
Do something of value to earn respect speak kindwords to and about him work on honest ways toimprove your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thank Godthose people are comfortable and not hungry orcold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to go outwith your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
Practical Exercise 7 Act Opposite
To keep jealousy and envy from overtaking your relationship withGod and thought life act opposite of how you feel Disappointmenttriggers jealous and envious thoughts What step can you take in theopposite direction
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Next do the amazing
What if you did something so shocking itamazes even you What if you went socounter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things
If you will do it this challenge will shake your world and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it more orto a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarranted criticismit is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of running woulda-if-onlyon a loop how about making the situation into a game
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
These ideas are radical Will you try
101
8Destructive Blame
Some thoughts My childhood was dysfunctional so I cannot succeed If it werent for so-n-
so I would be happy right now You make the decisions-it is your fault if I do not like them People make me lose my temper I will not trust God because church-goers
are hypocrites
Some thoughts My neighborrsquos dog bit me itrsquos my fault for
leaving the house My marriage might have worked if Irsquod done everything better My boss threw a clipboard
because I am a disappointment I should have been a better child and I would
not have been abused
Now we have met the sisters let me introduce the Destructive
brothers Blame and his other brother Blame These two arefishermen with strange styles
Blame 1 is a confused fishermanwho seems to miss the pointCasting generous portions ofblame in every direction it doesnot matter to him where itlands He does not fish with ahook It is not his intention tocatch anything that might endup back in his boat
102
Blame 1 had a difficult past and it is fair to empathize with thatHowever he will not review options He refuses to accept his powerto change His style of fishing is best described as cast cast andcast
Blame 2 is quirkier still He owns a boat but it is so full of catchesthat it will no longer float So he swims grabs what he can anddrags it back to shore
Trouble is he does not catch healthy fish but rather the blame hisbrother is doling out Blame 2 collects it stores it and never castsany of it away His style of fishing is collect whatever floats
Blame 2 has also had a tough life It is appropriate to care about hispains However like his brother Blame 1 he is not very open tochange
While toxic shame does not let go of mistakes destructive blame isabout shifting responsibility
Casting Blame
Casting blame transfers responsibility anywhere except on personalpoor choices This is frequently blatantly obvious
A man questioned a tax consultant about concerns related to his2020 stimulus check from the government He had left his first wifeand children and started a new family Where was his secondcheck ldquoDoesnrsquot the President know I have another family to careforrdquo
The tax consultantrsquos reply was crisp ldquoYou alone are responsiblehelliprdquo
103
Tam came to town for a funeral and claimed to be low on cash Wewere strangers and seeing her plight I invited her stay in myhome for two to three days One week later with a days-longheadache and nerves already jumping over the edge I dropped heroff at the airport
Decades ago she had moved several states away from her familyOn her first visit in years she screamed obscenities at them overher phone for hours a day This was only a few feet from my homeoffice hence the headache She spread lies among her relatives tome to a mutual friend and to my pastor
What I heard was her avoiding responsibility Casting blame feelsgood in the moment because it instantly relieves shame andaccountability It is not sustainable
Casting blame
is an efficient
means of
skipping
guard duty
over onersquos
wellbeing
One reason casting blame is depressive isthat the blamer must work harder andharder at rationalizing or denyingpersonal mistakes and wrongdoingsDepression perhaps is no surprise when apattern of bold-face lying becomes tooheavy a load
Blame conveniently pushes the burden ofchange elsewhere A blamer can rest inthe familiarity of pain although it is theirchief complaint In this way castingblame is an efficient means of skippingguard duty over onersquos wellbeing
104
ldquoFools make fun of guilthelliprdquo King Solomon wrotesup1 John explains
ldquoIf we claim we have no sin we are only fooling ourselvesrdquosup2
Waiting for the world to adjust to our wishes shields us fromseeing flaws in our attitude and behavior This is what blame doesform a blinder around our minds until we are barely free tounderstand the truth
Like Blame 1 cannot leave his boat casting blame keeps us stuck
Blaming GodHigh School senior Jarrad sees himself as a class clownconsistently and excessively talking throughout his classes both in-person and online until everyone is laughing His online teachers
try muting him and he resorts to physical antics
With his screen darkened toother students Jarrad texts themduring class Finally theprincipal steps in with a warningstop it or earn suspension
Jarradrsquos behavior does notimprove One month later hereturns to class with moredisruptive hilarity often at theexpense of teachers
His parents are aware and havedealt with their son However they work all day and Jarrad shrugsoff their discipline Expulsion is the last resort What other optionsremain for the school
105
Jarradrsquos refusal to change his rebellious ways eventually bringsabout his separation from those who try to help The schoolsystem teachers principal and Jarradrsquos parents have notabandoned him While leaders give him multiple opportunities tomaintain his education Jarrad will not have it
God does not throw us away either We have the power to detachfrom him and his influence at great personal cost Our insistence onrebellion weakens the relationship and eventually separates usfrom him Our sins hide his face so that he will not hearsup3
All too often ldquoa personrsquos own foolishness leads to their ruin yettheir heart rages against the Lordrdquo said Solomon⁴ Blaming Godfor difficulties resulting from our poor decisions is futile⁵ Ourungodly desires (thoughts) entice and drag us into sinful acts If weallow sin to blossom and grow large in our life it gives birth todeath⁶ Relationships occupations reputations opportunities andlives are at risk
God disciplines us for our good⁷ Like a child who learned in theprincipalrsquos office not to throw an eraser at her teacher a secondtime (excuse me while I clear my throat) if it takes hardship to getour attention he will allow it This kind of pain is a blessingbecause in his patience he never stops calling us or loving us backto life Solomon wrote ldquoDo not be upset when he corrects you Forthe LORD corrects those he lovesrdquo⁸
Our choices affect other peopleJarradrsquos regular interruptions slow classes down affect theauthority of teachers and frustrate serious students His expulsionis in part for the sake of everyone elsersquos education
106
Godrsquos hand of discipline on our heads may be for the protectionand blessing of other people too Rebellion hurts our parentsrsquofeelings⁹ Acts of foolishness harm societysup1⁰
The commandments to not commit adultery murder steal andthe restsup1sup1 are summed up in ldquoLove your neighbor as yourselfrdquosup1sup2
Love does no harmsup1sup3
Our choices affect our blessingsIf I pray for you to be blessed I am asking God to show you hisdivine favor Blessed is often equated with happiness contentmentor joy
Jarrad is missing out on a good education that we all know wouldgrant him more options in the future In a similar way we take apass on the greatest blessings from heaven by choosing to focus ontemporary feel-good moments Selfishness never fulfills us
The Bible says ldquoBlessed are thosehelliprdquo bull who are poor in spirit (devoid of spiritual arrogance)bull who grievebull who are gentlebull who hunger and thirst for integrity purity and rightness of
thinkingbull who are mercifulbull who are the peacemakersbull who are persecuted for righteousness sakesup1⁴bull who are kind to the poorsup1⁵bull who are not offended by Jesussup1⁶bull whose disobedience is forgivenbull whose lives are lived in complete honestysup1⁷bull whose hope is in the Lord their Godsup1⁸
107
Our choices affect spiritual productivity and growthJesus compared himself to a grapevine God the Father to agardener and us to branches God prunes that is trims backspiritually healthy branches so they will produce even morespiritually healthy fruitsup1⁹
Sometimes this process stings although there is no fear ofcondemnationsup2⁰ God is developing in us in increasing measurehis loving practicessup2sup1
Like a tree or grapevine what we produce will prove our natureWe know Jarrad is not exemplifying personal honor or concern forothers If he allows God to change his thinking he will still struggleto win back peoplersquos trust and supportsup2sup2
Goodness
Trutha tree of life
saving lives
Patience
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Testimony
Spiritually healthy fruitsup2sup3
108
Our choices affect our eternal reward
The Olympics were a big deal in ancient Greece where they firstorganized the competition Winners received crowns made fromplants Of course these shriveled up quickly
Paul spoke of a crown that will notwither Comparing the games and victorycrowns to a spiritual race he said ldquoTheydo it to win a prize that will fade awaybut we do it for an eternal prizerdquosup2⁴
The crown of life is the reward that Godhas promised to those who love himsup2⁵Paul says ldquoI press on to reach the end
of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God throughChrist Jesus is calling usrdquosup2⁶
Bearing in mind all the self-destructive choices we make why dowe blame the Difference Maker when life does not meet ourexpectations
Collecting misdirected blame
Straight up let us admit that innumerable circumstances andconsequences causing our suffering are the fault of others Thisincludes terrible acts people commit against us and how we feelemotionally or physically at that moment
We develop false guilt by accepting accountability for events out ofour control Once an adult what we choose to take in is up to usWe are not helpless
109
A tyrannical boss catches every one of his personal assistantrsquosmistakes and invents a few too He enjoys verbally abusing Mari byberating and mocking her in front of other employees He does nothave to accept responsibility for his decisions gone wrong becauseof his convenient scape goat
Facing this each day creates an atmosphere in which Mari begins toquestion herself Maybe I am clumsy and nit-witted I did notremember to fetch the folder he demanded I misspelled a clientrsquosname
Often misdirected blame is dotted with just enough truth to makeit difficult to weed out
Mari did make a mistake TrueShe has made more than one mistake TrueShe is accused of other mistakes TrueShe is responsible for anything beyond her actual mistakes FalseShe blames herself for her bossrsquos discomfort This is false guilt
AbuseAbuse is taking advantage of someone who is physicallyemotionally psychologically intellectually or in some way unableto stop the abuse In Marirsquos case at first she is unable to stop theverbal abuse because she would lose her job
A woman like Mari who is beginning to believe she is worthy ofharsh reprimand needs some psychological support to recognizethe manipulative lies of her boss She is too full of self-doubt tomeaningfully stand up for herself
Every form of abuse is about power and control Abusers blame lie
110
111
and manipulate to gain and maintain control over their target Asconsummate actors their public appearance is misleading Ifcaught or accused they know how to cry or they cry because theyare not getting their way In religious settings they know thelanguage of the faith and will use it to sound repentant Apologiesare unspecific unless they parrot the accuser
HumiliationPutting down your partner Calling your partner names Constant criticisms Making your partner feel like they are crazy or guilty Humiliating your partner in front of people Embarrassing your partner
Power and
Control
IntimidationYelling or screaming Using a threatening tone Talking down Threatening to hurt yourself or your partner Making your partner feel afraid Tearing up pictures Smashing gifts Destroying objects Slamming doors Throwing things
Treating your partner like a baby
property or servant Making all of the decisions
Having expectations that no one can meet Controlling who
your partner sees or spends time with Setting all the rules in the
relationship
Domination ThreatsSaying you cannotlive with your partner Telling your partner you will leave them somewhere if they do not do what you say Constantly threatening to find someone else Saying yoursquoll commit suicide of you break up
Sexual Abuse
Bragging about your sexual relationship
Making comparisons Flirting to make your partner
jealous Using drugsalcohol to get sex Pressuring your partner
Using emotional abuse to coerce sex Rape
Physical AbuseHolding your partner so they cannot
leave Slamming them intosomething Hiding your partnerrsquos
bruises Grabbing Slapping Hitting Shoving Punching
Kicking Poisoning Drugging
Minimization and Blame
Possessiveness Using jealousy as a sign
of love Accusing your partner of cheating on you Not letting your partner have other friends
Telling your partner how to think dress and act
Not accepting responsibility for your actions Making a
joke when you hurt your partner Telling or showing
your partner everything is their fault Acting like
abuse is ok in the relationship
Every form of
abuse is about
power and
controlhellip Abusers
make their
decision to abuse
Period
In this secret climate misdirected blame is part of the abuse Thespoken or unspoken threat is that the target will look like a liar ifthe truth comes out
Sadly it happens This is one of many complicated reasons targetsmay not leave their abusers soon or at all
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation go to thislist to find help
Make true and empowering statements
Create personal statements Examples
A I cannot control what other people choose to say or do It is notmy job to fix every circumstance
112
Abuse is always yes always thefault full responsibility and sin ofthe abuser
Gross misrepresentations of anabuse victimrsquos role are spoken inignorance He should have foughtback She wasnrsquot dressed rightHe pushed her buttons She wasnagging him He should have metcurfew She shouldnrsquot havemouthed off
Abusers make their decision toabuse Period
B I refuse to carry blame for the crime committed against me ormy family Only the criminal did wrong I did what I was capable ofdoing in the moment which is the best anyone can do in anysituation
C I will not take on the burden of guilt for my friendrsquos addiction Icannot save or fix her No one can She is responsible for seekinghelp and not just begging me for money or a place to stay
D I do not accept the abusers lies that I brought on the abuse Iwill not hate the child or victim-adult I once was for allowing whatI had no power to stop
Whether casting blame or collecting misdirected blame the optionto reach out for fresh perspective and guidance from the DifferenceMaker is always available
The brothers Blame never consider this
And a-fishinrsquo they go
113
Proverbs 205
Prayer to the Difference Maker
The purposes of a personrsquos heart
are deep waters
but one who has insight
draws them out
Please Lord I need your insight
to draw out my motives and
the deep injuries of my soul
so I can understand and change
Based on Proverbs 205
Practical Exercise 8 Find harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time to
study their companion and without criticism show appreciation forthe good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God for whatyou have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blame payattention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize everyone including yourself hasmade mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive as much asGod has forgiven you
This Or This
115
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stoppinganother person (we have no controlover them) Boundaries are about whatwe allow into our circle
Do the following exercise then createyour own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo
4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leave responsibilityfor his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for the consequences oflosing them
What about a situation in your life
Next draw a circle around yourself
116
9Perceived
Dependency Some thoughts If no one pushes me I cannot succeed He says he loves me after he hits me and I cannot be without
him This has been a tough day already I need a drink Irsquoll feel happy only if this job interview goes my way His
approval keeps me going Shersquoll leave if I do not stay sick
Dear Creeper
You are my perceived dependency You have toyed withme since I was young I played the game of hide andseek innocently believing you and the powerful forcesthat drove me to you were normal and right I did notunderstand you are a creeper
Your presence seemed a kind gift an experience forwhich I was grateful Slow and sure you built a templefor yourself in my brain
One day I witnessed the ruin of another of yourconfused devotees and began to fear you Confidencegrew in my power to go on alone Nonetheless yourcajoling stirred memories of when we first met andsoon your promises of the hour defeated caution
I
cared
only
for
how
you
made
me
feel
117
Your lies were soft and comfortable Eventually I believedeverything you offered for my protection No one could persuademe you were not my best friend
Remember how I used to panic when you were not in sightVigorous denial kept me from seeing what was happening I caredonly for how you made me feel
Oh but I see you now my enemy Perceived Dependency youhave never been a friend Joining hands with you in my destructionwas a game of Russian Roulette with unpredictable consequences
So-called dependency was but another deception I could have beenfree To be honest until now you have been my choice I amchanging my mind
You see there is someone real taking your place He is theDifference Maker the Highest Power who is always for me andnever against me
I could say itrsquos not you itrsquos me but this breakndashup is all aboutrunning away from you and into the arms of God
Goodbye from Not-Your-Victim
Co-dependent
Eating Disordered
Money-hungry
Etcetera
Defeatist
118
Stone and wood statues all over the world are praised and offeredgifts to appease whatever god they represent That is literal idolworship Jesus expanded the concept to include anything thatstands between us and full devotion to the One True God An idolthen is anything or anyone we think we cannot live without otherthan God
Perceived dependencies are our masters Not only are they a typeof idol but they are also futile No person can meet all our needsNo substance satisfies for long Compulsions heap unhappyconsequences on an already stressful life Obsessions overrulegood judgment Yet we obey them when they call
Perceived dependency unloads barrels of disappointment on thehuman spirit We create mental scenarios of rescue and if onlydelusions Who will make me happy What will bring relief Weare completely at the mercy of our perceived dependencies unlesswe take our power back
A perceived dependency is theact of giving our power freely toan outside force that once givensuch authority becomes ourmaster source motivation andexcuse
Nothing is easy about aperceived dependency NothingDay to day life is complicated bymaneuvers around the belief thatwhat we need most is missing
Our masters
119
Evie lives in denial As a heroin addict her behaviors are morepredictable than she is aware She is a sweet daughter and lovingmother when sober When she is using everyone runs for coverHer language is vile and abusive She tries to manipulate herdaughter for money
Only one year ago Evie graduated from long-term residentialtreatment She held down a job and visited with her youngchildren She did not separate herself from old companions andsadly relapse came as no surprise to her hopeful and wary familyEvie sacrifices for her obsession all that makes life worth livingcausing great pain in her wake
Evie and Tony
Tonyrsquos longing for love and overwhelming fear of rejection haswelded his self-made cage shut He leans heavily on his wife toreassure him with constant agreement Opposing opinionsthreaten his sense of security so he never asks for her realthoughts
His perceived dependency is the submission of his wife and otherswhile he takes no emotional risks It is clear in this scenario Tonysold his personal power at the cost of true love His wife is captivealso if she plays by his rules
The sad chaos of Eviersquos and Tonyrsquos lives is whythe words of the prophet Isaiah make senseHe said we feed on ashes by looking to an idolto meet our needs A deluded heart misleadsus To our detriment we fail to question ldquoIsnot this thing in my right hand a lierdquosup1
120
Then there is Rhona
Lifting her head from the toilet and sinking to the all too familiarfloor Rhona knew her eating disorder owned her and could endher life She was desperate for freedom
Someone introduced her to a 12-step program of recoveryThough a meeting was an hour away Rhona determinedly andfaithfully traveled to join-in Older members supported herthrough tears and triumph Eventually she had her life back
She does not consider herself free to eat whatever she wantsInstead she is free to choose carefully what will keep her healthyNo longer do certain foods send her spiraling because she avoidsthem completely She will carry safe foods with her to familygatherings and other events
Rhona is not a compulsive dieter her choices are a matter of lifeand death Thirty years later after entering recovery she stillattends meetings
Dr Rhona Epstein became one of the very few experts in foodaddiction and serves as a psychologist helping as many as she canHer book Food Triggers is beneficial to any one of us whostruggle with compulsive behaviors around food
Any willingness to be open to a spiritual
solution is a start -Dr Epstein
121
My son finally convinced me to watchthe Marvel series All of it I havelearned that imaginary superheroesstruggle to learn how and when to usetheir power
Decision-making is not so simple for useither Opting to break away from aperceived dependency is not asstraightforward as Captain Americatossing his shield at a villain andknocking him flat
Yes God has graciously created us with the remarkable power ofchoice Why do we so often risk its loss
It is doable Remember intent does not mean instant success Thefirst step each day is the main one
Have you survived difficult challenges If yes why not againHave other people recovered Why not you
Superpower
Each of us is gifted with a superpower Do the following fivequotes by Jesus reveal it to you
ldquoIf you wanthelliprdquo sup1∙⁵ldquoAnyone who chooseshelliprdquo sup2 ldquohellipif you do not believehelliprdquo sup3ldquoIf you hold to my teachinghelliprdquo ⁴ldquohellipyou were not willingrdquo⁵
122
Relapse
The difference between Evie Tony and Rhona is that Rhonalearned to wield her power of choice in her favor Ask anyone withbroken chains freedom requires complete honesty support andconnection to strength greater than ours
Some say relapse is inevitable No but it is common We return toold destructive habits when we have not permanently structuredour goals around something more meaningful I relapsed with myeating disorder with a long list of excuses My health coachreminds me to see recovery as an investment in what I want toachieve
Ultimately it is finding and living in purpose that brings joy Withwhat will we fill your lives so our obsessions no longer have roomin our heads
Surrender
I mentioned to a woman with a secular belief system that it is aprivilege to be used by God Her negative reaction makes sensebecause my word choice ldquoused byrdquo was skewed
It is fairer to say I am one of Godrsquos volunteers among many Noneof us have had our will removed By faith and experience we knowhis ways are best The more we grasp that the more we want to dofor him Herersquos the clincher we love him because he loves us Yesit is a privilege and source of joy when the Difference Maker worksthrough us to help others in some way
Surrender comes with the understanding that God has more than
123
single personrsquos best interests in mind In that regard he asks usto extend his mercy love and truth when we might rather sit athome in comfort
Should we say yes we will find he is working everything out forour good too In his will (as discussed in chapter 2) weexperience deep satisfaction As always the Difference Makerrsquosapproach is more profound and effective than the worldrsquos wisestphilosophies⁵∙⁵
The complete Serenity Prayer famous for the shortened versionused in 12-step groups points to such surrender
God grant me the SerenityTo accept the things I cannot changeCourage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the differenceLiving one day at a time
Enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardship
As the pathway to peaceTaking as He did
This sinful world as it is Not as I would have itTrusting that He will Make all things right
If I surrender to His willThat I may be
Reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him
In the next Amen
124
125
But God
Accounts throughout the Bible of Gods interactions with humansprove he is the Highest Power At the end of their resourcespeople saw God change everything
The entire earth flooded But God remembered Noah ⁶
Jacobrsquos boss cheated him ldquoBut God has seen your abuserdquo ⁷
Josephrsquos brothers sold him ldquohellipbut God intended it for goodrdquo ⁸
King Saul hunted him down hellipbut God [helped him escape]⁹
People tried to kill Paul But God has protected me sup1⁰
Epaphroditus was ill and almost died But God had mercy onhimsup1sup1
Jesus was nailed to a cross But God raised him from the dead sup1sup2
We are lost for eternity But God demonstrates his own lovehellipsup1sup3
Apostles hadhellip fears within ldquoBut Godhellip comforted usrdquosup1⁴
Helplessness is not always a fact it is a belief Through JeremiahGod said ldquoIf you wanted to return to me you could You couldthrow away your detestable idols andstray away no morerdquosup1⁵ He knowshow much power is available to us ifwe will ask
126
Surrender to the will of God is ultimately the cure to compulsiveaddictive behaviors That does not mean it is easy nor does itguarantee no relapses Jesus said ldquoIt is not the healthy who needa doctor but the sickldquosup1⁶ He is our healer perhaps we do well tofollow his prescription
Let us remember together whatever condition we are in howeverdeeply we are stuck in perceived dependency we do not actuallyneed the person activity substance or compulsion we are focusedon to survive or thrive Our dependence is but a perception Wecan depend on and trust the Highest Power
Whom have I in heaven but youAnd earth has nothing I desire besides you
My flesh and my heart may failbut God is the strength of my heart
and my portion foreversup1⁷
ldquoBut Godhelliprdquo
Recommended
The Life Recovery Bible is special It is the Holy Bible in its entirety with sidebars relating specific scriptures to
recovery These address emotional issues trauma support and much more In addition the Life Recovery
Journal takes the reader through the 12-step process
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Please keep me from deliberate
sins Donrsquot let them control me
Then I will be free of guilt and
innocent of great sin
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you O LORD my
Rock and my Redeemer
Psalm 1913-14
128
128
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsessionTake this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a
dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
Practical Exercise 9 Now What
Spell it out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write outall it has stolen and what freedom will bring This is about you notcasting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praise andgratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is to a realGod who will not only see what you write but who knows your heart
Write a letter (or letters) to yourperceived dependency Do not mail it ifit is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Rome isdirectly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them I highlyurge you to take it in
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
129
Next find a strong
support system
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over time whois healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability to hold yourconfidences Watch them with other people Choose friends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who have seen yourstruggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
130
10Fear
Fear leads to depressive thinking when we give it authority Fear
develops under a threat real or perceived to our wellbeing or thewellbeing of another person
As a mere emotion fear is not a sign of weak character nor does itsignal failure of faith The bravest people are those who feel fearand face it even in small ways Courage is measured by genuineeffort not success or the size of payout Baby steps toward facing
or overcoming any fear are indeed applaudable steps
Some thoughts I promised to attend the meeting but since Irsquoll make a fool of myself Irsquom not going There is no way to know if I can stay safe I do not like people different from me Things are going to get worse Irsquom sure he hates me
131
Not every courageous person looks like one
Examples of couragebull Elderly people venturing out despite impatient drivers and
ridiculous younger people talking down to thembull Children returning to the same school each day where they are
taunted or bulliedbull Families of faith around the world persecuted by authoritiesbull People in suicidal despair reconnecting with living
bull Those living with disabilitybull Those going to work with anxiety migraines fatiguehellipbull Women who leave abusive homes and often face judgmentbull The caretaker of elderly parentsAnd the inspirational list goes onhellip
Facing fear is a choice that mimics the life of our Saviorsup1 Heloved (far) beyond his comfort zone The author of Hebrewswrote rdquoConsider him who endured such opposition from sinnersso that you will not grow weary and lose heartrdquosup2
132
God chooses unlikely heroes
Abigail⁵ was beautiful and intelligent Marriedwhether by choice or arrangement we do not knowher role was to manage her wealthy household withits many servants and obligations serve herhusband Nabal and presumably have his children
Nabal wise in his own eyes and not in many otherswell lived up to his name which meant fool Filledwith greed his harsh demeanor in business and athome proved his self-centeredness No doubt heenjoyed his meanness and the fear of those aroundhim
He
adds
ldquoI am
with
yourdquo
and
stays
God does not whip out a chill ldquodonrsquot be afraidrdquo anddisappearsup3 He adds ldquoI am with yourdquo⁴ and staysBrave people learn from their less-than-bravemistakes (we have all done them) With him at ourside we move forward following the DifferenceMakerrsquos plan for overcoming fear
In those days (about 1100 BC) sheep and goats were money andoften stolen Soon to be king warrior David was on the run fromhis insanely jealous father-in-law King Saul David and his armyof six-hundred men earned what they needed to survive byprotecting the livestock of various towns and farms
It was customary and expected for wealthy landowners to offerprovisions to such protectors Nonetheless when David sent themessage to Nabal ldquoPlease give your servants whatever you canfind for themrdquo only insults were returned
David was ready to end such insolence and with 400 armed menheaded for Nabalrsquos home to kill him and all the males who livedthere
A shepherd ran to Abigail to report this He said ldquoNabal is such awicked man that no one can talk to him Please do what you canrdquo
133
Abigail quickly loaded donkeyswith meat bread wine grainraisins and pressed figs Servantsdelivered them to David
Going against her churlishhusbandrsquos wishes certainly wouldhave brought down his wrath hadshe been caught She risked her
life by confronting angry warriors intent on revenge
David responded to her pleas for mercy thanking her He saidldquoPraise be to the LORD the God of Israel who has sent you today
134
to meet me May you be blessed for your good judgment and forkeeping me from bloodshed this dayrdquo
As an unlikely hero Abigail saved an unknown number of livesThe brave shepherd who informed her shared in the heroism Thenext day when she told Nabal of the drama his heart failed himand he died
God specializes in choosing unlikely people for courageous deedsA few examples among many include an orphan girl-turned queenwho saved her nation (Book of Esther) a child who spoke hardtruth to power (1 Samuel 3) a young slave girl who approached aprincess (Exodus 21-10) and uneducated fishermen who broughtthe gospel to the world though they lost their lives over it(Matthew 418-22)
Despite initial misgivings these people had to decide what kind ofperson they wanted to be One way to face our fears is to answerthe same question
Consider the life and mission of each of the following people Howdo you think they answered the question What kind of person do Iwant to be
Will I risk everything Hee Jinrsquos Grandmother in North KoreaWill I choose life Nick VujicicWill I hold out Irena SendlerWill I let go Elisabeth ElliotWho do I want to face in the mirror tomorrow Dobri DobrevHow will I respond to my greatest regret Victoria RobinsonWill my legacy point to life Jason ReidWill my example set a helpful precedent Marie Meggs
135
Will I believe what I cannot yet see Jo Ann RobinsonWill I keep my eyes on things of Heaven instead of on things ofearth Jessie TendayiWill I come back to God and ask for help when I fail miserablyJim Wahlberg
ldquoWe are having a physical experience in a spiritual worldrdquo ndash Author unknown
Satan distorts and disrupts the truth in attempts to steer us fromGod Human experience is a catalyst for such trickery becausewhat we see and feel seems more real than an invisible God Is heinconceivable though
His power is evidenced in nature⁶ His love has redeemedcountless lives Millions testify to his personal presence We seeGodrsquos promises always come to pass whether spoken throughprophets or other scriptures⁷ We witness his sovereigntythroughout history
Stout faith lets go of control and chooses to obey the proven Godwho shows himself real only to those with the spiritual eyes tosee⁸ In his wisdom he made it impossible for science or
The Difference Maker offers safety in his shelter
philosophy to prove his existence to closedminds⁹ Although faith is not blind it is notsight eithersup1⁰ Faith is the evidence of whatwe do not seesup1sup1
Godrsquos shelter unlike an umbrella or a treenever fails
Towers in fortressed cities ofbiblical times provided safetywhen enemies attacked In ourspiritual battles Godrsquos shelter isthe hiding place
The key is to stay there Psalm 91says to live in his shelter - spendour time there Then he hides usin his shadow as if we were in atower of refuge
This Psalm also tells us what wedo not have to fear
1 Satanrsquos bait setting plot trap (The fowlerrsquos snare)
2 Pandemic disease (Deadly pestilence)3 Dread and the object of dread (Terror of night)4 Seemingly random attacks or dangers coming from
all around deeply personal attacks (Arrows fly by day)5 Disease pandemic that walks about in trouble and in
spiritual unreceptiveness (Pestilence stalking in the dark)6 Destruction coming from violence and devastation in
the middle of the day or in the bright of happiness(Plague that destroys at midday)
7 Wicked people (Lion)8 The Devil (Serpent)
In distress of any kind he rescues us or arms us for the battleWhat is left to fear If God is for us who can be against ussup1sup2
136
We still want to hide from time to time Aloneness is notintrinsically unhealthy Jesus taught But when you prayhellipshutthe door behind youhellipsup1sup3
It is the fear that locks us in that paralyzes the life we wantRemember the Difference Maker sets us up with everything weneed for faith courage and victory In all circumstances we candeclare as King Solomon did ldquoThe name of the LORD is a fortifiedtower the righteous run to it and are saferdquosup1⁴
ldquoFinally be strong in the Lord and in hismighty power Put on the full armor ofGodhelliprdquosup1⁵
Paul used a symbolic reference thepeople of his day would haveunderstood the armor of a Romansoldier Comparing physical war tospiritual ones he first describes whywearing Godrsquos armor is necessary
One our struggle is not against peoplebut against the devil and his spiritualforces of evil Two when we are harassedfor our faith we will resist and standsup1⁶
Wearing Godrsquos armor is a decision wemake each day in faith bearing in mindthe vital meaning of each piece
The Difference Maker offers safety in his armor
137
The Belt of Truth ldquoStand firm then with the beltof truth buckled around your waistrdquo The belt of aRoman soldierrsquos armor was more like a girdle andheld up the breastplate
What is truth Jesus said ldquoIf you hold to myteaching you are really my disciples Then you willknow the truth and the truth will set you freerdquosup1⁷Absolute truth does not change and awareness of itprotects us from lies that cause fear
The Breastplate of Righteousness ldquohellipwith thebreastplate of righteousness in placerdquo The Romansoldierrsquos breastplate held in place only once it wasupheld by the belt
What is righteousness Thinking and acting inways that honor God based on his instructionsthese are righteousness However no human effortalone measures up to Godrsquos holiness
Truth upholds our righteousness as it grows in alife with Christ His righteousness leads our wayinto Godrsquos favor There is no fear of punishment ifour faith is sincerely in the Saviorsup1⁸
Feet Fitted with Readiness ldquohellipand with yourfeet fitted with the readiness that comes from thegospel of peacerdquo Spikes covered the bottom ofRoman soldiersrsquo footwear for climbing over roughterrain and for digging into the earth keepingthem steadfast in hand-to-hand combat
138
What is the gospel of peace and how does it make us ready Thegospel is the good news of Jesus the Messiahsup1⁹ While we arealive there is work to finish Readiness to carry this gospel toothers is part of our victory over fear sup2⁰
Shield of Faith ldquoIn addition to all this take upthe shield of faith with which you can extinguishall the flaming arrows of the evil onerdquo A Romansoldier carried a large oblong four-corneredshield covering much of his body
What is faith It is more than believing in GodEven demons believe in God and shuddersup2sup1Faith is pure trust and confidence that Godmeans what he sayssup2sup2
Jesus said faith is like a tiny mustard seed whichbecomes the largest tree in the gardensup2sup3Pastors teachers the Holy Spirit and personalstudy water and feed the seed Nurturing ourfaith is our responsibility that in time surpassesfear
Helmet of Salvation ldquoTake the helmet ofsalvationrdquo Roman soldiers wore a unique helmetprotecting the top and sides of their head Somehelmets also protected the back of the neck
What is salvation Not only is it rescue from awasted life in the present and an erasure ofeternal damnation but the helmet is also theanticipation of the day we are ushered into
139
heavensup2⁴ Keeping our eyes on the reward this helmet protects
us from turning from the faith due to discouragement doubtand fear
a spectacular display of arrogance and deception The battle ofwords was close-up personal and relentless Each time the devilused his wiles the Son of God expertly wielded his swordsup2⁵
In the heat of temptation aimed straight at our weakest pointsskill at using Godrsquos Word boosts our triumph over fear sup2⁶
Prayer ldquoAnd pray in the Spirit on alloccasions with all kinds of prayers and requestsrdquoRoman soldiers needed supplies stamina andfood and water
What is prayer Jesus gave an examplesup2⁷ thatgoes something like this ldquoOur Father in heavenlet your name be treated with reverence Let your
Sword of the Spirit ldquohellipand the sword of theSpirit which is the word of Godrdquo Roman soldierspossessed three sharp weapons a dagger-sized shortsword a spear and a long sword Paul used the shortsword for his comparison to the Word of God
Why a small weapon Satan tempted Jesus in
kingdom come let your will be done on earth as it is in heavenGive us this day our bread for tomorrow and forgive us ourdebts as we also have forgiven our debtors Lead us not intotemptation but deliver us from the evil one for yours is thekingdom and the power and the glory forever Amenrdquo
140
This prayer acknowledges God makes various requests yields to his will and in faith believes all is possible because he is God
and wear his armor daily we will stand with the brave who say Itis scary out there and the Difference Maker goes with me
Godrsquos armor is not intended as a shell to crawlinside Neither is his shelter a place to isolatefrom the world
Fear is fed by our focus When the daycomes that we learn to rest in Godrsquos shelter
141
Prayer to the Difference Maker
When I am hard pressed I cry
to you Lord You bring me into
a spacious place You Lord are
with me I will not be afraid
Based on Psalm 1185-6
143
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in yourpocket Feel it when anxieties and otherpressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
Practical Exercise 10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions andimpulsive thoughts or prevents them fromrising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can behelpful to avoid anxiety attacks or panic orto use during anxiety and panic attacks
143
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing reminders thathe is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics will inspireyou God Will Make a Way
By a roadway in the wilderness Hell lead meAnd rivers in the desert will I seeHeaven and Earth will fade But His word will still remainAnd He will do something new todayGod will make a wayWhere there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot seeHe will make a way for meHe will be my guideHold me closely to His sideWith love and strength for each new dayHe will make a way He will make a way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in apublic place with little opportunity to walk awaypractice sign language or write the names of peopleyou care about in the air discreetly below your waistFiddle with anything that requires your full attentionlike word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worrylater Keep a notebook and pen handy Thenext time anxiety is triggered or could bewrite the concern down and lay it aside Set adate or time to address the issue perhapswith a safe person
144
Next Retrain your thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
145
Now may the God of peace
who through the blood of the
eternal covenant brought back
from the dead our Lord Jesus that
great Shepherd of the sheep equip
you with everything good for doing
his will and may he work in
us what is pleasing to
him through Jesus Christ to
whom be glory for ever and ever
Amen
APPENDIX
147
Terms page 148
A Word About Medication page 149
Bible References page 152
Photos and Other Credits page 155
Collection of Chapter Exercises plus BONUS Exercises page 159
Blank Pages for Notes page 182
Terms - Links
BibleGodrsquos Word
Christ Jesus Christ Christ Jesus
Christian
The Difference Maker= God
Faith
Fear of God
Holy
Jesus
Original languages used to write the Bible
Types of mental health professionals
Repentance
Resurrection
Righteousness
Sin
Trinity
148
An ongoing debate in faith arenas over the use of medications for
mental health particularly depression and anxiety leavesconfusion in its wake Myths about this type of medical therapyabound
Myth 1 Medications cover up spiritual problems Thesedrugs do not create happiness They cannot force introspectionrelief from guilt or wisdom on a person any more than insulinprevents someone with diabetes from eating a candy bar
If behaviors and circumstances that helped to create a mentalhealth need do not change the problem may persist No pill willcorrect poor thinking permanently erase memories of trauma endabuse or change a sinful heart
Medications prepare a brain to function as intended Once stablethe patient can choose to learn wisdom and pursue God or not
Myth 2 Mental illness is a myth No All mental illnesses aredisorders In other words something is wrong with a personrsquosability to function normally due to mental processing Medicationis often necessary to save a life Many chronicled symptoms giveprofessionals an excellent idea of how to diagnose mental illness
Everyone experiences down days massive grief and even
149
A Word About Medication
depressive thoughts It becomes a disorder when a person cannotfunction normally keep healthy relationships or overcome theseemotions
Myth 3 All psychiatrists do is throw pills at youPsychiatrists are medical doctors and specialists It is their job toprescribe medication based on revealed symptoms Appointmentsare typically about 15 minutes Very few offer talk therapy (whereaspsychologists generally do)
A psychiatrist may recommend hospitalization or insist a clientmove to a higher level of care such as to an IOP (IntensiveOutpatient Program) These are professional therapeutic programsthat occur throughout the week in half or full days
Myth 4 Psychiatric medications do not work It is true
150
sometimes they do not Six reasons for this have nothing to dowith the medications themselves
A A patient does not take the medication as prescribed or isnoncompliant and refuses itB A patient refuses recommended co-treatments such as talktherapyC The patient quits too soon Unfortunately it may take weeksand even months to discover the one that works best for aspecific person Dosages may also need readjustmentsD The patient is unable to convey symptoms clearlyPrescriptions based on incomplete information will likely be lesseffectiveE Affordability lack of insurance parity interference fromfamily members and more may disrupt proper treatmentcreating any of the above issues
ldquoJesus is the only one with perfect brain chemistry and nopsychological issues Every other human has somepsychological dysfunctionhellipPsychological Science is simplyunderstanding how God designed our mind to work and thenlearning how to maximally steward our mind for His glory andour fulfillment in Himrdquo
F Misdiagnosis by a doctor This is especially a problem whennon-psychiatric doctors prescribe psychiatric medications
Myth 5 Medications hurt people Safety may be compromisedif medication is not taken as prescribed The wrong medication toocan adversely affect a person Rumors about how often this occursare exaggerated
For most people a combination of medication and talk therapy hasproven most effective For those who receive professionaltreatment 80 go on to live more satisfying lives
If medication corrects brain dysfunction and allows one to developa richer life with Christ (and it has for me) then using medicationis good stewardship of onersquos capabilities Some takeaways from themission statement of Lighthouse Network agree
151
For a deeper look at therapy and medicationsfrom a Christian point of view go to Is It Ok for aChristian to Take Anti-depressants
Chapter
1 The Difference Maker
2 Self-doubt
3 Toxic Shame
4 Self=loathing
Bible References
152
sup1Exodus 1414 sup2Matthew 1128-29 sup3Romans 122 ⁴James 117 ⁵1 John 15 ⁶John 87⁷Romans 623 ⁸2 Thessalonians 17-10 ⁹Ephesians 24-9 NIVsup1⁰Romans 810-18 sup1sup1Psalm 2911 sup1sup2Ephesians 3 14-19
sup1Proverbs 46 -7 sup1∙⁵2 Samuel 111-1225 sup2Psalm 139 23-24sup31 Kings 39 ⁴ Hebrews 511-14niv ⁵Psalm 328niv⁶2 Timothy 316 ⁷2 Peter 120-21 ⁸2 Timothy 316-17niv⁹Mark 1224 sup1⁰1 Corinthians 1433nkjv sup1sup1Hebrews 116sup1sup2 2 Corinthians 317-18 sup1sup3Matthew 633 sup1⁴James15-7sup1⁵Psalm 4610 sup1⁶Deuteronomy 323-4 sup1⁷Exodus 314
sup1Genesis 127 sup2Psalm 84-6 sup3Isaiah 558 ⁴James 39-11 ⁵Ephesians 210 ⁶Psalm 13913⁷2 Corinthians 517 ⁸ Lamentations 322-23 ⁹1 John 31
sup1⁰James 223 sup1sup1 John 1515 sup1sup2Psalm 2710sup1sup3John 10 27-30 sup1⁴2 Corinthians 128-10
sup1Luke 2342-44 sup2 Psalms 34 sup3Micah 718-19 ⁴ Ephesians 317-19 ⁵Psalm 10311-12 ⁶ Psalm 4421⁷Psalm 10314 ⁸ Proverbs 37-8 ⁹Matthew 523-24sup1⁰Luke 2334 sup1sup1Acts 759-60 sup1sup1∙⁵Acts 81sup1sup2Acts 83 sup1sup3 Acts 2022-24 sup1⁴ Philippians 35-14 sup1⁵Psalm 345 sup1⁶2 Corinthians 1314
sup1Exodus 341014 sup2James 316 sup3Proverbs 1430 ⁴Philippians 23-11 ⁵Matthew 2128-32 ⁶Philippians 212-14⁷1 Corinthians 134-8niv ⁸Romans 1215 ⁹Jeremiah 923-25sup1⁰1 John 215-16 sup1sup1Titus 33-5
Chapter
5 Extreme Conclusions
6 Hopeless
7 Jealousy and Envy
153
sup1Matthew 71 sup2Matthew 2537-40 sup3Luke 311⁴Matthew 547niv ⁵Matthew 543-44 ⁶Matthew 712⁷Luke 1030-37 ⁸Numbers 1911-16niv and Leviticus 211-4 10-12niv⁹ 1 Corinthians 1312 sup1⁰Matthew 73-5 sup1⁰∙⁵Luke 1135-36sup1sup1Matthew 1916-26 sup1sup2Matthew 624 sup1sup3Isaiah 714sup1⁴John 11sup1⁵ Verses 4 23 Throughout his ministry people had trouble giving up old beliefs andfully grasping what Jesus was saying In John 11 we see him telling his disciples thatLazarusrsquo illness will not result in death that this situation will bring glory to God (likethe healing of the man born blind which they witnessed John 9) He informs Martha thatLazarus will be raised by him (In the original language the word used when he saysldquoLazarus will liverdquo means raised from a lying down position- raised from the dead)
sup1⁶ Verses 3328 Some traditional versions say Jesus was deeply moved or troubled
Jesus was agitated or angry wanting to instruct everyone and perhaps restrain thefaithless talk around him He waited and instead allowed his prayer and the results tospeak for themselvessup1⁷Psalm 11996 sup1⁸1 Samuel 167 sup1⁹ Mark 1427-31sup2⁰ Mark 14 66-72 sup2sup1John 201-10 sup2sup2 John 211-19sup2sup3Acts 413 sup2⁴2 Corinthians 47 sup2⁵James 116-18
sup1Isaiah 4318-19 niv sup2Psalm 3418 sup3Psalm 1213⁴Genesis 1611-13 ⁴∙⁵ Job 395-8 ⁵Nehemiah 919-20⁶Psalm 119140 ⁷Psalm 1361-3 ⁸Psalm 1437-8⁹Ruth 11-22 and 413-17 sup1⁰Psalm 3121-23 sup1sup12 Corinthians 75-7sup1sup22 Kings 1819 sup1sup31 Kings 1819 sup1⁴Psalm 1391-12sup1⁵Matthew 1029 sup1⁶Proverbs 1410 sup1⁷Proverbs 1320sup1⁸ Book of Job sup1⁹Job 427-9 sup2⁰Psalm 119130
sup1Proverbs 149-10 sup21 John 18 sup3 Isaiah 59 1 2
⁴ Proverbs 193 ⁵James 113 ⁶James 114-15
⁷ Hebrews 1210 ⁸Proverbs 311-12 ⁹Proverbs 1721
sup1⁰ Proverbs 2210 sup1sup1Exodus 201-17 sup1sup2Mark 1228-31
sup1sup3Romans 139-10niv sup1⁴Matthew 53-10 sup1⁵Psalm 411
sup1⁶Matthew 116 ESV sup1⁷Psalm 321-2 sup1⁸Psalm 1465sup1⁹John 151-5 sup2⁰ Romans 81 sup2sup12 Peter 13-9sup2sup2Proverbs 1130
sup2sup3Ephesians 51-20 Galatians 522-23 Proverbs 1031
sup2⁴1 Corinthians 924-25 sup2⁵James 112 sup2⁶Philippians 314
154
Chapter
8 Destructive Blame
9 Perceived Dependency
sup1 Isaiah 4420 sup1∙⁵ Matthew 1921nlt sup2 John 717sup3 John 824 ⁴ John 831-32 ⁵Matthew 2337⁵∙⁵1 Corinthians 120 ⁶Genesis 81 ⁷Genesis 3142⁸Genesis 5020 ⁹1 Samuel 2314 sup1⁰Acts 2622sup1sup1Philippians 227 sup1sup2Acts 224niv sup1sup3Romans 58nivsup1⁴2 Corinthians 75-7niv sup1⁵Jeremiah 41 sup1⁶Mark 217sup1⁷Psalm 7325-26niv
10 Fear
sup1Hebrews 122 sup2Hebrews 123 sup3Matthew 281-10 ⁴Matthew 2820 ⁵1 Samuel 251-38 ⁶ Romans 120 ⁷1 Kings 856-57 ⁸1 Corinthians 210-16 ⁹1 Corinthians 121sup1⁰2 Corinthians 57 sup1sup1Hebrews 111 sup1sup2Romans 831sup1sup3Matthew 66 sup1⁴ Proverbs 1810 sup1⁵Ephesians 61011sup1⁶Ephesians 611-13 sup1⁷ John 831-32 sup1⁸Romans 81-16sup1⁹Ephesians 51 sup2⁰ 2 Corinthians 518-19 sup2sup1James 219sup2sup2Romans 1017 sup2sup3 Matthew 1331-32sup2⁴1 Thessalonians 58-9 sup2⁵Matthew 41-11 sup2⁶Hebrews 512-14 sup2⁷Matthew 69-13
Chapter
1
2
3
4
Photos and Other Credits
Face in the mirror page 40 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped Artist page 44 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Church page 28 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJames Ryan quote page 31 from The National Association for Christian Recovery Four Kinds of Moral Inventory httpswwwnacrorgcenter-for-12-step-recoveryfour-kinds-of-moral-inventoryGirl praying page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NDcropped and manipulatedWriting hand page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredOxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes page 32httpsindianriveraaorgPDFTHE20FOUR20ABSOLUTESpdfScottish Proverb page 32 Confession Is Good For The Soul - Christian Devotions for Daily Living - DevotionscomCross page 32 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped
155
Man with net page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC rock overlaidRock page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCGirl page 14 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Billy Graham quote page 16 from Video Billy Graham httpswwwfacebookcomryanthompson100videos10158050555419605UzpfSTEyOTE4OTc5NDU6MTAyMTY5MTQzNDAwMzI3MTkFlame page 17 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC manipulated Jar page 26 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND
Chapter
5
6
156
Train page 49 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredTrain page 50 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredWounded man scene page 52 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND cropped recolored manipulatedCamel page 54 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYSAAbout Sadducee beliefs page 54 Camels Needles and the Question of Money retrieved on November 5 2020 from httpsallofitagainwordpresscom20170518camels-needles-and-the-question-of-money-colinTrain page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYN recoloredCurved path page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recoloredLazarusrsquo feet page 58 freebibleimagescomTrain tracks page 59 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCrecoloredTrain page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredExam paper page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredRooster page 61 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Jesus page 74 freebibleimagescomArahant Mental Wellness page 76 Treating Depression with TMS Aimed at the Brainrsquos Prefrontal Cortex httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortex Healthline page 76 The Effects of Depression on the Brain What Is Depression httpswwwhealthlinecomhealthdepressioneffects-brainHow-Can-Treatment-Change-the-Brain Figure 1 Page 76 httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortexEric W Dolan page 76 In depressed people the medial prefrontal cortex exerts more control over other parts of the brain Psypostcom Mental Health June 19 2017 httpswwwpsypostorg201706depressed-people-medial-prefrontal-cortex-exerts-control-parts-brainSemicolon tattoo page 81 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredProject Semicolon page 81 httpswwwfacebookcomprojectsemicolonMug page 82 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDrecolored
Jealousy and envy sisters page 92 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped manipulated recoloredHeart page 94 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredJesus and man page 96 freebibleimagescom recoloredWeeds page 98 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recolored
Necklace page 82 from httpswwwamazoncomproject-semicolon-jewelrysk=project+semicolon+jewelryPage 83 Black leprosy also called elephantiasis because the skin begins to look like elephant skin Jobs Disease By Louis Rushmorehttpswwwgospelgazettecomgazette2005janpage15htmJob and friends page 84 freeBibleimagescomGirl and woman page 86 This Photo by Unknown Author licensed under CC BY-NDWarning Signs of Suicide page 87 httpswwwnimhnihgovhealthtopicssuicide-preventionindexshtmlpart_153177Stairs page 91 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped and manipulated recolored
Chapter
6 continued
7
8
157
Boater and swimmer page 102 These Photos by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recolored ndash 2 pictures together both under same license Greek Olympics page 109 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredPower and Control Wheel page 111 from httpswwwtheagapecafecomFishing pole page 113 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredCouples page 115 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDand This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Chapter
9
10
158
Girl page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC cropped recoloredFloating money page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCrecolored croppedDice page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY 20 recolored croppedAshes page 120 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJesus and people page 122 freeBibleimagescomCaptain American cover page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredCaptain America Shield page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredSerenity Prayer photo page 124 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYCartoon man with weights page 125 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredSupport Group scene page 130 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND cropped recolored
Donkey page 133 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAUmbrella Woman page 135 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCWoman in shadows page 136 freeBibleimagescomArmor page 137This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCBreastplate page 138This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDBelt page 138 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDShield page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAHelmet page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCSword page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCPraying hands page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDTurtle page 141 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCLeaf page 143 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCRubiks cube page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SACalendar page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC
Collection of the Chapter Exercises
Plus Bonus Exercises
159
1 Make the Thought Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use anap even though a minute earlier you were not tired This is atype of thought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bedthe visual automatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom whereand why of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take thetime to complete the following exercise (for each thought habit)and you will be surprised at the worthwhile outcome
1 What consistent triggering event and response doyou experience
________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
_________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
160
3 What is your thought-habit
_____________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_____________________________________________(Example l feel content)
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchange your triggerrsquosassociation from gloomy to what generally rightens your mood
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with things you love move thebed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularly for foot rubs sayingprayers or texting jokes to your friends
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of the space with openblinds worship music or a self-starting coffee maker (Avoidtexts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
_________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
161
7 What action will you take next time this triggeringevent occurs
________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts Episodes ofdepression anxiety or other mental health challenges may followa pattern or cycle
BONUS EXERCISE Exchange News and Social Media for Books and Face-to-face Conversation
A sense of aloneness and anxiety might come from a lack of eye-to-eye contact and conversation and an overload of news reports
Especially before going to bed turn off all the negativity and pickup a good book During the day make plans with a friend to visitover coffee even if you must be socially distanced
Do this for two weeks and you will feel the results
2 Use Pros and Cons for Good Judgment
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible orask a mature follower of Christ to see if there is already ananswer given Step three Be brutally honest with all the pros andcons of your options
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
162
Remember Who Has All the Answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottle wherever it will catch somelight Keep it open and have slips of paper and pen available
Write down your unanswered questions doubts about yourselfand any other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside the jar is a great problemsurrounded by shadows and light By faith we can accept that wedo not see all or have all the answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimes shoot out of your jar Thisrepresents the endless wisdom and love of God to which we caneach cling Somehow good is going to come of what we do notunderstand
163
BONUS EXERCISE Sleep Hygiene for a Healthy BrainFrom adaaorg
bullKeep a regular sleep schedule Go to bed around the same timeeach nightbullDo not eat a heavy late mealbullWatch TV in a room other than your bedroombullTurn the TV off 30 minutes before bedtimebullPut down the electronics 30 minutes before bedtime The screeneven on dim mode can still be stimulating to the brain via theeyes
3 Examine the Evidence for Shame
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes to one of thequestions on the left you have a newday in the court of your mind Checkout the corresponding links on theright
164
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Secure Your Release From Toxic Shame
165
BONUS EXERCISE Incorporate Self-care
From successcom
Self-care is different for each person Examples of self-careinclude making a healthy smoothie before work going for a longwalk at lunch spending time laughing with your spouse beforebed going on an adventure drive relaxing at the beach calling afriend or taking a long bubble bath The type of self-care doesnrsquotmatter as much as the effect It should make you feel like yoursquoretaking care of yourself in a way that combats toxic shame self-loathing anxiety depression and stress Carve 20 minutes intoyour day for self-care
4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a gamesomething with a little challenge in it to help make a thoughtexchange So I made one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automaticallyspeak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourselfnames Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friend
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might make youcringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
BONUS EXERCISE Write Your Biography
Write stories from your life using only positive descriptive wordsabout yourself It doesnrsquot have to seem true at first Keep at it
166
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look aboutyou and write down all you have accomplished in the last 24hours (You read this page right That is one) No matter howsmall you think the accomplishment it is evidence to the contraryof never do anything right
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved onesto marketers to abusers messages given us as children and oldercan come from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable ofrealistic insight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged falsenegative core beliefs of their own Are they suggestible andreactionary with their emotions Are they knowledgeable andwise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
BONUS EXERCISE Mirror Mirror
Look yourself in the eye and say ldquoI am loved I am lovablerdquoRepeat
167
Test Messages and Messengers
5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
168
Keep
working
169
Know When to Say Yes for a Most-fulfilling Life
Knowing what is of utmost importance to you will help preventmisdirected drive
1 Take time to list all your current obligations This will includefamily friends job financial expenditures physical healthmental health spiritual goals what God has asked of you andanything that you must finish
2 Look realistically at the above Is there anything that does notfit within your daily availability finances emotional energy orphysical capabilities
3 Is there anything you can remove from this list Ask for Godrsquoswisdom
What remains are yesses With rare exceptions everything else isa no Each time you agree to secondary activities expenses orobligations you are trading-in and saying no to something (orsomeone) you more highly value
BONUS EXERCISE Have a Routine
Sometimes when emotions run our decision-making we needsomething stable to help us stay on track with what it is we want
On your calendar mark a morning routine and a bedtimeroutine Set alarms on your phone for meals and meds Schedulefree time so your calendar does not own you
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have theenergy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeuticEven baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make yourown
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list Play music Set the table Take a shower Sit with the family Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today Go for a walk with a person or your dog Eat a healthy meal Attend participate in a support group Paint a picture or put a puzzle together Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Lower Your Stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
6 When You Feel Hopeless Live a Little
170
Allow Hope
Think about your values as a guide Write down what is importantto you and keep the list where you can see it Each day after youhave a choice stick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family
I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
BONUS EXERCISE Prevention
Lack of motivation and finding no pleasure in pleasurable activitiesare two of the classic symptoms doctors look for to diagnosedepression An enjoyable activity serves a preventative role
Make a 9rdquo x 9rdquo paper circle List around the circle activities youenjoy and activities you want to try Ring a paper clip over a penciland plant the pencil in the middle of your circle Spin the paper clipThe activity it points to is what you do for this day Another circlewith names can select whom to invite to join in the activity
171
172
ExampleThought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social eventlearn to be a good friend Reach out to her inkindness
Do something of value to earn respect speakkind words to and about him work on honestways to improve your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thankGod those people are comfortable and nothungry or cold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to goout with your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
7 Act Opposite
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Do the Amazing
What if you did something so shocking it amazes even youWhat if you went so counter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things If you will do it this challenge will shake yourworld and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it moreor to a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the Script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarrantedcriticism it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of runningwoulda-if-only on a loop how about making the situation into agame
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
173
8 Find Harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time
to study their companion and without criticism show appreciationfor the good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God forwhat you have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blamepay attention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize that everyone including yourselfhas made mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive asmuch as God has forgiven you
174
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stopping another person (we have nocontrol over them) Boundaries are about what we allow into ourcircle
Do the following exercise then create your own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leaveresponsibility for his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for theconsequences of losing them
What about a situation in your life
Draw a Circle Around Yourself
175
176
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsession
Take this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool
httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
9 Now What
Spell It Out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write out all it has stolen andwhat freedom will bring This is about you not casting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praiseand gratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is toa real God who will not only see what you write but who knowsyour heart
Write a letter (or letters) to your perceived dependency Do notmail it if it is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Romeis directly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
177
Find a Strong Support System
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over timewho is healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability tohold your confidences Watch them with other people Choosefriends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who haveseen your struggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
178
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in your pocket Feel it whenanxieties and other pressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions and impulsive thoughts orprevents them from rising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can be helpful to avoid anxietyattacks or panic or to use during anxiety and panic attacks
179
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing remindersthat he is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics willinspire you God Will Make a Way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in a public placewith little opportunity to walk away practice sign language orwrite the names of people you care about in the air discreetlybelow your waist Fiddle with anything that requires your fullattention like word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worry later Keep anotebook and pen handy The next time anxiety is triggered orcould be write the concern down and lay it aside Set a date ortime to address the issue perhaps with a safe person
BONUS Keep Your Mind Busy With Purpose
180
For ideas about purposeful activities and meaningfulrelationships during pandemic isolation see my free e-bookStay at Home and Thrive
Retrain Your Thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
181
182
Notes
ldquoLet God transform you into a new person by changing the wayyou thinkrdquo wrote Paul one of the earliest believers in theChristian faithsup3 His term changing or renewing means to makean exchange
God is on our side ldquoI canrsquotrdquo becomes our miracle when we addldquoThe Difference Maker can and Irsquoll let himrdquo
What does God have to do with it
ldquoWho would you rather trust He is the Difference-Makerrdquo - a psychologist
Each are temporary Not only do they fluctuate with discoveryopinions moods and the market none reach into our deepestneed and make us permanently whole
The Difference Maker is well different Not a what but a who hedoes not change like shifting shadows⁴ nor can he be chained tohuman personality knowledge or man-made rites or rules He isgreater than everything we call finished
Godrsquos nature is to be there for us faithful to keep his promiseseven in troubling times His nature is constant which gives us
We like whats What time is it What is thescore What will happen next Educationscience financial security religion andpsychology to name a few have theirpurposes From them we may experience asense of fulfillment and some answers to ourquestion what
7
hope and firm ground in which to stake our trust
Because of his love for each of us he made a way to spend foreverwith us He is holy without any deceit or darkness at all⁵ We arenot as we all know⁶ To permit our guilt (deceit darkness) intohis holy presence he had to make a sacrifice
Instead of compromising his holy nature he provided a holy (nodeceit no darkness) gift that we can choose or refuse One day wewill all stand before God with or without his gift When we cometo him bearing this gift we will be ushered into his heaven⁷ Thenews is dreadful for those who do not have the gift with them⁸
The gift is free salvation offered by Godrsquos grace through faith inhis Son Jesus⁹ It is by accepting this gift that we become Godrsquoschildren and heirs to everything in his kingdomsup1⁰
We have this wonderful future with God to anticipate yet he iswith us now He has sent his Spirit the Holy Spirit (again nodeceit no darkness) to teach us and to touch us emotionally withspiritual truth
One of the best gifts we can open today is Godrsquos peace ldquoThe Lordgives his people strength the Lord blesses them with peacerdquosup1sup1Peace is our new state of being as we learn to apply his truththrough his processes
Paul said it best when he wrote the following
When I think of all this I fall to my knees and pray to theFather the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth Ipray that from his glorious unlimited resources he willempower you with inner strength through his Spirit Then
8
Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in himYour roots will grow down into Godrsquos love and keep youstrong
And may you have the power to understand as all Godrsquospeople should how wide how long how high and how deephis love is May you experience the love of Christ though it istoo great to understand fully Then you will be made completewith all the fullness of life and power that comes from Godsup1sup2
God is love
I will give you a new heart and put anew spirit in you I will remove fromyou your heart of stone and give youa heart of flesh Ezekiel 3626niv
If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son ofGod God lives in them and they in God And so weknow and rely on the love God has for us God islove 1 John 415-16niv
He cares about broken hearts He heals the brokenheartedand binds up their wounds
Psalm 1473niv
You LORD hear the desire of theafflicted you encourage them and youlisten to their cry Psalm 1017niv
He is with us during depression
He offers inside-out change
9
Godrsquos power is at work Now to him who is able to doimmeasurably more than all weask or imagine according to hispower that is at work within us tohim be gloryhellip Ephesians 320-21niv
I say to myself ldquoThe LORD is myinheritance therefore I will hope inhimrdquo -Jeremiah Lamentations 324
He offers eternal hope
He offers joy I came that they may have and enjoy life andhave it in abundance -Jesus John 1010amp
This is not a God will fix you book It is a door that opens into thediscovery of biblical solutions you may not know exist
This is also not a miracle-cure book The miracle is the DifferenceMaker and how he lifts you above depressive thoughts
10
12
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord you teach
ldquohellipwhatever is true
whatever is noble whatever
is right whatever is pure
whatever is lovely whatever
is admirablemdashif anything is
excellent or praiseworthymdash
think about such thingsrdquo
Help me Lord to change my
depressive thoughts
Based on Philippians 48
___________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
1 What consistent triggering event and response do youexperience
___________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
Practical Exercise 1 Make the Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use a napeven though a minute earlier you were not tired This is a type ofthought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bed the visualautomatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Begin noticing what runs through your brain in different situationsHow do certain thoughts make you feel
If you are uncertain how to answer the last question try this quickexperiment Think for 30 seconds on this yearrsquos news and noticeyour emotions Now focus on your favorite memory for 30 secondsIn which direction did your feelings travel when you changed theseintentional thoughts
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom where andwhy of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take the time tocomplete the following exercise (for each thought habit) and you willbe surprised at the worthwhile outcome
12
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchangeyour triggerrsquos association from gloomy to whatgenerally rightens your mood
3 What is your thought-habit
_______________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_______________________________________________(Example l feel content)
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with thingsyou love move the bed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularlyfor foot rubs saying prayers or texting jokesto your friends Avoid texts from work oropen them elsewhere)
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of thespace with open curtains worship music or a self-startingcoffee maker (Avoid texts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
__________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
13
7 What action will you take next time this triggering eventoccurs
__________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts More seriousepisodes of depression anxiety or other challenges may follow apattern or cycle Ideas throughout the following chapters can helpcreate new thinking patterns to replace negative thought habits
14
2Self-Doubt
Her eyes climb sparkling windowpanes to the tenth floor as she
stands frozen facing the entrance to an imposing office buildingAudrey has researched this job opportunity for days Do I knowenough Her binder is loaded with documents What did I forgetHer attire is professional I should have worn those other shoes
A woman walks past carrying a briefcase She looks put-togetherWhat if she is applying Audrey has recently earned a degree thefirst in her family to finish college But it is only a bachelorrsquos and Ihave no experience She catches her reflection in the glass doorsIrsquom too young
Finally Audrey caves What was I thinking They will never hireme This was a mistake Irsquom going home
Some thoughts My judgment is questionable Is this the right decision Am I good enough No one will take me
seriously I do not know if I am making a difference Fears of rejection and failure are paralyzing
ldquoGet Wisdomrdquo
[Godrsquos] still on the throne And those of us who know him putour trust in him and him alone I donrsquot put my trust in
15
ldquoGet wisdomrdquo is the challenge King Solomon of ancient Israel gaveto his son ldquoThough it cost all you have get understandingrdquosup1 Iwonder if his urgency was inspired by the story of his parentsKing David and Bathshebasup1∙⁵
Get wisdom from believers who listen to the Holy Spirit King David took another manrsquos wife Bathsheba and killed theman God detested this terrible deed and David knew it Drowningin lies and excuses he lived in total denial
Nathan the prophet listened to Godrsquos Holy Spirit and called David
Washington I donrsquot put my trust in the United Nations I donrsquotput trust in myself I donrsquot put my trust in my money I put mytrust in the Lord Jesus Christ When all the rest of it fails andcrumbles and shatters Hersquoll be there - Billy Graham
16
Reliance on
Godrsquos wisdom
means our
judgment is
not our only
resource
Self-doubt traps us between fear andfailure Trusting God to show us what todo may seem contradictory to our goal ofthinking for ourselves with confidence Ofcourse we are not created conformists orrobots
Nonetheless we cannot know more thanwe know Reliance on Godrsquos wisdommeans our judgment is not our onlyresource Even when we do not know thewhere what why or how ofcircumstances we never have toquestion Gods ability to lead
out on his rationalizing Truth hit David hard Hebroke down His tears of grief were not only regretbut repentance
Repentance is a combination of sorrow oversinning (wrongdoing) against God and a turningaway from those sins David later wrote in such away it is evident he changed direction His prayeris one we can repeat
Solomon became king remembering his fatherrsquoslessons Above long life riches or militaryvictory he prayed for an understanding mind anddiscerning heart to know the difference betweenright and wrongsup3
Growth and discernment are natural results of asincere and disciplined relationship with JesusAge and many years in the church do notguarantee this Spiritually mature believers havedeeper understanding of sound judgment becauseby constant practice they have trainedthemselves to distinguish good from evil⁴ Thereis much to be said for such experience
A man thanked a boy for giving him directionsadding ldquoIrsquom the new pastor Come to church
17
ldquoSearch me O God and know my heart test meand know my anxious thoughts Point outanything in me that offends you and lead mealong the path of everlasting liferdquosup2
Sunday and Irsquoll show you how get to heavenrdquo
The boy was skeptical Awww come on You dont even know theway around town
God promises ldquoI willhellip teach you in the way you should gordquo⁵ LikeNathan God still appoints people who listen to the Holy Spirit tospeak truth
The better part of wisdom is admitting when we have reached theend of what we know and humbly asking for directions
Get wisdom from the Holy BibleGodrsquos Word is not merely words on paper All Scripture is God-breathed according to Paul⁶ None of it is false
No prophecy or book in the Bible came from the writerrsquos initiativeor human understanding There is but one author God People likePaul who wrote profound letters were moved by the Holy Spirit⁷
Paul continues by saying the Bible is useful for correcting andtraining so servants of God (believers) will be thoroughlyequipped for every good deed and ministry⁸ He strongly impliesthat without such correction and training we will not have thenecessary tools to do Godrsquos work
Several hyper-religious hypocrites tried to trap Jesus with loadedquestions In one incident Jesus replied ldquoAre you not in errorbecause you do not know the Scriptures or the power of Godrdquo ⁹
Jesus could not be tricked into a defensive position because heknew the Word of God intimately He understood the heart of it
18
because he knew the Father so well If we are not studying thebook we will find ourselves floundering So often we leaveourselves vulnerable to the latest arguments and philosophies
Saturating in the Bible whether through reading or audio is howwe learn who God is how he relates to us personally and how torespond to him Without this we miss out on the power of God
I recommend reading the Bible in large chunks Headingschapters and verse numbers have been added by publishers tohelp us navigate and find specific passages these markings do notexist in the original writings Context and flow of meaning arericher without those divisions so try to pretend they are not there
As variations from reading I enjoy the NIV dramatized versionaudio Bible and movies that directly quote New Testament books
The Bible is also not published in chronological order You mayfind it more fascinating and exciting to follow a chronological listof books and passages These are easily found online
Get wisdom from knowing Godrsquos willSelf-doubt interrupts our ability to process leaving us stranded ina place of pain the valley of indecision We want to know Godrsquoswill for us yet our prayers are mixed with fear and negative what-ifs
19
Sam enjoys the pace of factory work He is good with his hands andfeels a sense of pride in a dayrsquos accomplishments He holds nostudent debt can leave his job at the factory and is fully presentfor his family in the evenings
Sam would be miserable managing the factory After dealing withcontractors and payroll and customers all day he would returnhome uptight business school loans still due
If Sam were offered these jobs what would you recommend forhim God is not the author of confusionsup1⁰ Most of the time hespeaks through the obvious and we can over-spiritualize things tothe point they make no sense
God made us with innate talents and gifts He placed us in culturesamong people who will help develop our likes and dislikesAssuming we are not choosing to sin we can make life choicesbased on what suits our unique qualities best
If Audrey faces that office building knowing the job is one that willdry up her talents then walking away is likely wise Of course Godgrows us within the challenging features of his calling We tend toenjoy what we are successful doing and skills increase withpractice Trying a new experience is an adventure
20
Where We
Find JoyOur
Will
Godrsquos
Will
21
He has already revealed his will for us anyway Comparing ouroptions to his known will makes for simpler decisions if they donot match we need to change
Firstly we must have faith in God and In his Son Jesus Withoutfaith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes tohim must believe that he exists and that he rewards those whoearnestly seek himsup1sup1
Secondly with the help of the Holy Spirit we are to transformbecoming more like Christ in attitude which is love for othersobedience to the Father and willingness to suffer for the truthsup1sup2
Thirdly we are told to focus on the spiritual kingdom of Jesussup1sup3My grandmother had a sign hung prominently in her dining roomAs one who wanted to make a difference in the world it spoke tome throughout my youth
lsquoTis only one life
lsquoTwill soon be past
Only whatrsquos done for Christ will last
God feels with you and knows how exhausted and overloaded youare at times Do what you want and can do His work in us is allabout growing in love not more pressure to meet human orreligious standards
Get wisdom from prayerPerhaps the most comforting promise about using good judgment
22
was recorded by Jesusrsquo brother James ldquoIf any of you lacks wisdomyou should ask God who gives generously to all without findingfault and it will be given to yourdquosup1⁴
Without finding fault what a relief We do not have to clean-upbefore approaching our Holy Father He has only one condition forhis perfect guidance to get through to us James wrote ldquoBut whenyou ask you must believe and not doubtrdquosup1⁴
A pastor proposed an idea for knowing when we have receivedGodrsquos answer
Ask Make a specific request to God such as ldquoIs it best I take thisjobrdquo or ldquoDo I owe Becky an apologyrdquo
Listen Pay attention to the first thought that follows yourrequest
Act Go with that first thought
But I will make a mistake Irsquoll think of something wrong That iswhere doubt comes in God is more than capable of getting hismessage through all the muck in our heads Every time I haveapplied this pastorrsquos idea every time the answer has been the rightone
Confusion comes with arguing It is true Trying to have my wayand ldquoaskrdquo him at the same time forces a did he answer or did he notanswer internal battle That is on me not him Self-doubt will pop-up its ugly head nevertheless it loses its power if we refuse tosecond-guess God
Faith and trust increase the better we know him ldquoBe still and knowthat I am Godrdquo he sayssup1⁵ Be still Turn off the television and
23
phone go somewhere quiet and meditate onwho is this God and Creator of the universe
Open your Bible with this prayer ldquoGod pleaseshow me what this means to my life mysituation Please reveal what I need to learnabout Yourdquo
Love and holiness are Godrsquos nature His love is
He told
Moses his
name
ldquoI AMrdquo
unending He is the source of all good and truth in the world He isperfectly goodsup1⁶
Yet he is a mystery No one of such finite quality as we can fullymake sense of an eternal God The most studious experts ofscripture know only what God has revealed to them
He told Moses his name I AMsup1⁷ He exists As supposed to all theother false gods and idols that are man-made illusions and self-reliance which is faulty surely he can handle our situations Let usstop questioning our every move We can be still and know he isGod
Imagine Audrey goes to the job interview confident of Godrsquos lovefor her Intimidation and insecurities weaken as she exchanges self-doubt for faith
I cannot Lord You canI have not You will never abandon me
I am unseeing You know all
Please lead me along the best path
25
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Do good to your servant
according to your word
Lord Teach me knowledge
and good judgment for I
trust your commands Before
I was afflicted I went
astray but now I obey
your word
Psalm 11965-67
Practical Exercise 2 Pros and Cons
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible or ask amature follower of Christ to see if there is already an answer givenStep three Be brutally honest with all the pros and cons of youroptions
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
25
Next remember who has all the answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottlewherever it will catch some light Keepit open and have slips of paper andpen available
Write down your unansweredquestions doubts about yourself andany other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside thejar is a great problem surrounded byshadows and light By faith we canaccept that we do not see all or have allthe answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimesshoot out of your jar This representsthe endless wisdom and love of God towhich we can each cling Somehowgood is going to come of what we donot understand
26
3Toxic Shame
Some thoughts I must punish myself I cannot show my face Irsquoll never tell anyone what I did or how I feel There are dozens of reasons for her to hate me I cannot go to
God because Ive done too much wrong Forgive myself Not possible
Shame is a good thing It is Without shame for wrongdoing there
would be no rehabilitation no fresh starts no amends and nochange We must feel ashamed so we are ready to apologize andmean it This is healthy
Toxic Shame is a cruel entertainer replaying mental moviesespecially at night while we snack on the poisons of self-hate andhumiliation
Toxic Shames co-conspirator is Mindreading She makes it difficultto let go of the fear that people remember and do not forgive
Toxic Shame is a relentless accuser with total-devastation potential Scores of his targets havefallen victim to physical pains anxiety or someform of self-punishment This shame preventsrest in Godrsquos love because we question ourworthiness of forgiveness
27
mistakes We do not take their words at face value Mindreadingassumes we are judged by everyone like we judge ourselves
Toxic shame cannot stand up to Godrsquos mercy
pastor the name of Jesus never escaped his lips
As he lay dying and unresponsive at age eighty-four a chaplaincame to visit He asked about Dadrsquos background and I told him whatI just told you The chaplain said something I had not consideredldquoPerhaps because he once was a pastor he does not believe he canbe forgiven for falling into sinrdquo
It makes perfect sense the way Dad wouldshrug off talk of his old days as a preacheror how he changed the subject if a regularconversation turned to faith When I or myson asked about his relationship to Jesushe always answered ldquoIrsquom working on itrdquo
ldquoPerhaps
because he was
once a pastor
he does not
believe he can
be forgivenrdquo
Refusing to forgive ourselves might seemlike humility it is the epitome of prideWe assume to have an authority greaterthan God when after he wipes away oursins we answer ldquoNot me Im too messedup even for You
Clumsy human attitudes such as this donot determine Godrsquos toward us
My dad was not easily understood Hisways were a mix of good deeds and dolingout grievous pain Although he was once a
28
Shortly after the chaplain spoke to and prayed with my dad Istepped out for a short break from keeping vigil Ten minutes latertrying to reenter Dadrsquos room it felt the door was heavy as ifpressing against a strong wind With a heavier shove I found myselfin a familiar and most welcome of atmospheres
It was still except for the sound of labored breathing The air wasthick with the closest to perfect peace as we will ever know on thisearth The dense presence of Godrsquos Holy Spirit filled the roomconcentrated in the corner over my fatherrsquos bed
The Difference Maker was answering my long-time prayer andholding a deathbed conversation with Dad Some time passed until Ifelt the presence rise and leave perhaps taking a refreshed soul withhim Within an hour my dadrsquos frail body quit trying
Jesus was crucified between two thieves One of them said to JesusldquoRemember me when you come into your kingdomrdquo
Jesus answered ldquoToday you will be with me in paradiserdquosup1
A thief and my dad Two unlikely candidates for heaven embracedfor eternity because they said yes to forgiveness
It is too bad my dad did not live a life of peace We can While werehearse old scenarios the Difference Maker forgives generously
We duck our heads in shame he wants to liftour chinssup2
Once my dad had breathed his last I askedGod if he would assure me that dad said yes tohim during their talk I opened my Bible and
29
30
landed near the end of the Old Testament
ldquoYou will not stay angry with your people forever because youdelight in showing unfailing loverdquo Micah the prophet wrote ldquoOnceagain you will have compassion on us You will trample our sinsunder your feet and throw them into the depths of the oceanrdquosup3
Do you see that God delights in showing unfailing love He wasnever about to let his child go into eternity without him In the endGod orchestrated the timing so my dad would accept forgivenessand his daughter would have the privilege of learning just how deepis the love of God for those who believe on his Son⁴
He not only removes our shame he personally has a great timedoing so He is eager to remove our fears too
I know my dad is in heaven just like I know the thief is there ldquoFor ashigh as the heavens are above the earth so great is his love for thosewho fear him as far as the east is from the west so far has heremoved our transgressions from usrdquo⁵
Other steps
Remember healthy shame It becomes toxic when we allow it to rotunattended while we refuse to deal with complicated truth
Things we ignore grow moldy and poisonous This plays out inaddiction resentment depression anger control issues self-righteousness and so much more
Godrsquos love and forgiveness are gracious and forever I will thank himfor them However he does not take our stubborn and hard
Moral inventory shapes our understanding of ourselves whichin turn shapes our relationship with God Some styles ofinventory ask us to take a hard look at our character defectsand this can create a powerful sense of our need for God Otherstyles of inventory encourage us to look not just at ourshortcomings but at our strengths as well and so the sense ofneed for God is not as strong If we write according to the firststyle of inventory we are more likely to enter in an intimaterelationship with God ndashJames Ryan of the National
Association of Christian Recovery
A fearless inventory does not shy away from total honesty with Godwho knows everything anyway⁶ We do not have to fear Godrsquosrejection He never expects perfection from humans because heknows how weak we are he remembers we are only dust⁷
Guidance for completing an inventory is on the next page
hearts and melt them against our will Steps we can take will openus to his miracles
Moral Inventory
31
ConfessionldquoDonrsquot be impressed with your own wisdomInstead fear the LORD and turn away fromevil Then you will have healing for your bodyand strength for your bonesrdquo⁸
Who knew the Bible is so psychologically apteh
The One who made us knows we need tounload shame and offers his listening earsWe share our moral inventory with him andask him to remove all our sins
Honesty 1 Peter 222
rdquoHe committed no
sin and no deceit was
found in his mouthrdquo
Sexual Purity
Hebrews 726 rdquo[Christ
Jesus] truly meets our need mdash one who is
holy blameless pure set apart from sinnershelliprdquo
Love 1 John 316 ldquoThis is how
we know what love isJesus Christ
laid down his life for
usrdquo
Unselfishness2 Corinthians
89rdquoFor you know the grace of our
Lord Jesus Christ that
though he was rich yet for your sake he became
poor so that you through his
poverty might become richrdquo
Borrowed from the Oxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes we compare
our honesty purity unselfishness and love to that of Jesus
32
Amends (not excuses)
Jesus said ldquohellipif you are offering your gift at the altar (he meant inworship of God) and there remember that your brother or sisterhas something against you leave your gift there in front of the altarFirst go and be reconciled to them then come and offer your giftrdquo⁹
That is how important making amends is to God Confessing ourwrongs to people we have hurt is a giant step toward our healingfrom toxic shame and hopefully brings some sense of closure tothem too Unless contacting them would cause them more pain wehumbly admit what we did and apologize
Forgiveness is theirs to give when and if they are ready so we donot ask for it Our forgiveness comes from above Amends may notproduce a healed relationship we do it anyway and leave others toGod
Pray blessings for your enemiesJesus prayed for his enemiessup1⁰ as did Stephen the first Christianmartyr
ldquoOpen confession is good for the soulrdquo ndashScottish proverb
33
This is an ongoing process His forgivenessis complete nonetheless we will continueto act dishonestly impurely selfishly andunlovingly at times
A caution Do not compare yourself against
other people only to Christ Jesus
Stephen prayed for those who conspired to have him stoned todeathsup1sup1 While he was dying he asked God to have mercy on hisenemies Saul of Tarsus stood among themsup1sup1∙⁵
In the name of God Saul of Tarsus zealously opposed Jesusrsquofollowers hunting them down Mercilessly he tore families apartdragging men and women believers to prison and voting for theirdeaths He tried to force them to blaspheme a criminal offensesup1sup2
Eventually he wrote half the New Testament of our Holy Bibletoday
Did Paul deserve Godrsquos grace No way That is the beauty of itnone of us do Jesus never sinned and therefore had pure love forhis enemies By praying for our enemies we recognize theirhumanity and ours The largess of Godrsquos grace heals our soul
Stay in the presentPaul could easily have been paralyzed by toxic shame as hepreached to and encouraged friends and members of those samefamilies he had killed In his sixties and under house arrest for hisfaith Paul wrote ldquohellipone thing I do Forgetting what is behind and
As he was
martyred he
asked God to
have mercy on his
enemies
God heard Stephenrsquos prayer and hadmercy on Saul After his conversionSaul changed his name to Paul (Saulwas a kingly name Paul meanslittle)
For about thirty-five years Paulserved as missionary and churchplanter willingly suffering the life hehad imposed on otherssup1sup3
34
Note We all need assistance sometimes When toxicshame is connected to unaddressed memories andtrauma emotional disturbances and the inability tofunction normally we may benefit most from professionalhelp
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love ofGod and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with yousup1⁶
straining toward what is ahead I press onhelliprdquo sup1⁴
Toxic shame can be a choice The past cannot change why wastetime on it Today and tomorrow with the Difference Maker in thelead we have the opportunity to follow his plan of escape from self-defeating thoughts and live a different kind of life
Godrsquos promise is that no shadow of shame will darken our faces ifwe look to himsup1⁵ Read the book of John as you begin orstrengthen your walk with God
35
Prayer to the Difference Maker
ldquohellipmany are saying of my soul
lsquoThere is no salvation for him in Godrsquo
But you O LORD
are a shield about me my glory
and the lifter of my headrdquo
Psalm 32-4 (ESV)
Practical Exercise 3 Examine the Evidence
If
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes toone of the questionson the left you havea new day in thecourt of your mindCheck out thecorresponding linkson the right
37
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Prison- no parole
Next secure your release
38
4Self-loathing
Mr Negative self-
talk destroys
identities and
paralyzes dreams
Period That is all
he does
Mr Self-loathing blinds us to thewonderful mysteries of otherpeople by laser-beam focusinginward In public we worry if weare coming across okay In privatewe wonder what others think aboutus
When we do not believe in ouraptitude personality or lovabilitywe miss out on the love others tryto extend Compliments upset us
Some thoughts Irsquom not good enough No one can love meIrsquom too old or young too fat or thin too uneducated or
inexperienced too introverted or boisterous Irsquom always too much and too little Ugly Idiot Trouble
Thats me I am a mistake
Mr Self-loathing is in the ldquoIrdquo business He sells I-should-not be
me and I-should-have-done-better His top sales manager MsSense of Worthlessness invented Irsquom not-as-good-as-so-n-so andIrsquom-sorry-for-everything Their chief of business communicationsolrsquo Negative Self-talk specializes in I am a loser of every typeimaginable
39
because in our minds they cannotpossibly be true We believepeople are only placating us forwhat purpose we do not knowMiniscule mistakes blare I canrsquotget anything right
Loathing is a strong term andappropriate for this self-debasingthinking As a thought habit itresponds well to Practical Exercise1
If we buy the goods Ms Sense ofWorthlessness sells self-loathing
goes public She excels at over-apologizing One of her favorites isldquoOh excuse merdquo (even though you nearly knocked me onto mykeester and two pounds of chocolate chips ripped open in front ofmy three very young children who now look like foraging raccoonsBut hey Irsquom sorry- to you- who is long gone)
Another favorite is ldquoIrsquom sorry to bother yourdquo (though you said I amnot bothering you a minute ago and each time I have walked intoyour office since you hired me you have said the same)
She also encourages her customers to say I am sorry with bodylanguage when nothing out of the ordinary has occurred
Maybe we rationalize apologies as nice polite or sympatheticUnfortunately unnecessary and excessive apologizing generallyframes us as untrustworthy and weak even if we are not thosethings The practice works against us
40
Mr Negative Self-talk destroys identities and paralyzes dreamsPeriod That is all he does His attacks against our wellbeing are oldvoices thoughts and beliefs playing on a loop each geared towardthe abuse and vandalization of our minds bodies and spirits
One meme says ldquoIf a friend speaks to you the way you speak toyourself how long will you be friendsrdquo Well what if a friend talksabout herself using thoughts you hold against yourself how longbefore you try to reassure her
Baggage and Beliefs
Some of our baggage is based on negative false core beliefs usuallyadopted in childhood Three steps form a belief
bull A significant person to us one in authority or someone we trustor admire sends or affirms a message positive or negativethrough speech or actions
bull Our experience must support that message whether byperception or reality
bull Then we must repeat the message to ourselves
For instance a teacher says ldquoYou are weak at mathrdquo On the nextexam you miss some equations This experience might become yourldquoevidencerdquo of weakness in math By repeating to yourself Irsquomterrible at math you affix the belief
Negative false core beliefs often buried deep inside and out ofsight strongly affect our decisions even when we are unaware
Jeff is not introspective and tends to go about his business with anair of certainty However he turns down promotions and lately
41
His dad had been promoted severaltimes within the company for whichhe worked most of his life At an olderage he was fired and replaced by ayounger man who earned less Thishappened when Jeff was a teenagerand he heard an earful as his dadblamed the bosses the ldquosystemrdquo andbad luck
Jeff picked up on the message that nomatter how hard one tries gettingahead will result in financial disasteranyway Throughout his life hegathered evidence of injusticesupporting this message Hemumbled ldquoThatrsquos the way it isrdquo untilhe no longer had to be aware of it tobase his life around it
Uncovering this core belief changedhis attitude He took time to challengethe old fear with evidence to thecontrary
42
A
message
Experience
backs it up
We repeat
the
message to
ourselves
anger rises when the manager asks him to take on more leadershipresponsibility
Jeffrsquos wife suggests he begin to question for the first time if there ismore behind these decisions Starting with the Difference Makerhe asks for help
Beliefs Baggage
Whether he accepts a promotion is not the point He is his ownman free to make decisions about his future without an underlyingfear of loss undermining his goals
Any one of us may have our sense of identity buried under moundsof such beliefs I am stupid I am annoying No one can truly loveme I do not belong herehellip and on and on it goes We watch ourdreams float past like clouds and mutter ldquoI canrsquot I am not enoughrdquo
Another point of view
Self-loathing a sense of worthlessness and negative self-talk may
Godrsquos
Thoughts
Our
Thoughts
be familiar and oddly comforting Perhaps this ishow someone significant to us treats us Maybe itis all we have known No matter how the put-downs started God wants to change our thinking
He highly values us He created people in hisimagesup1 He made humans but a little lower thanhimselfsup2
These facts do not make us little gods he alone isGod He said ldquoMy thoughts are nothing like yourthoughts and my ways are far beyond anythingyou could imaginerdquosup3
By questioning our worth are we not assuminghis thoughts are the lower ones We curse onehuman being who is made in Godrsquos likeness andoften harshly judge others who remind us ofourselves⁴
43
Take in the Difference Makerrsquos messages
I am whole as Godrsquos artFor I am Godrsquos handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do goodworks which he prepared in advance for me to do ⁵
He created my inmost being he knit me together in my motherrsquoswomb⁶
I am whole because I am newThis means that I who belong to Christ have become a new personMy old life is gone a new life has begun⁷
Because of the LORDrsquos great love I am not consumed for hiscompassions never fail They are new every morning Great is Godrsquosfaithfulness ⁸
God does not make mistakes therefore I matter God loves me with an unending love therefore I am lovable
I am human with strengths and weaknesses like everyone therefore I am as valuable
There is purpose for my life therefore I will make a differenceI am who God says I am therefore I have a unique identity
44
Taking Godrsquos point of view to heart is to embrace grace thatmysterious and priceless gift of Godrsquos favor and blessing that no onecan earn
45
I belong because I am Godrsquos childSee what great love the Father has lavished on me that I should becalled a child of God And that is what I am ⁹
I belong and am a friend of JesusI am friends with the Lord and Savior Yes Abraham believedGodhellip and he was called a friend of Godsup1⁰
He calls me friend for everything that he has learned from theFather he has made known to mesup1sup1
I am secureThough my father and mother forsake me the LORD will receivemesup1sup2
I am one of Good Shepherdrsquos sheep and I listen to his voice Heknows me and I follow him He gives me eternal life and I willnever perish No one can snatch me away for the Father is morepowerful than anyone else No one can snatch me from the Fatherrsquoshandsup1sup3
I am strong when I am weakChristrsquos grace is all I need His power works best in myweakness So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so thatthe power of Christ can work through mesup1⁴
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Thank you for making me so
wonderfully complex Your
workmanship is marvelous -
how well I know it
Psalm 13914
Practical Exercise 4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a game somethingwith a little challenge in it to help make a thought exchange So Imade one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Word-Swap
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automatically
speak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourself
names Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckhellipExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friendhellip
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might makeyou cringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
47
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look about youand write down all you have accomplished in the last 24 hours (Youread this page right That is one) No matter how small you think theaccomplishment it is evidence to the contrary of never do anythingright
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved ones tomarketers to abusers messages given us as children and older cancome from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable of realisticinsight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged false negative corebeliefs of their own Are they suggestible and reactionary with theiremotions Are they knowledgeable and wise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
48
Next test messages and messengers
5Extreme
Conclusions How I feel in this moment is how I will always feel No
one is trustworthy If the result will be perfect Irsquoll do it if not I wonrsquot try God only helps those who help themselves
Irsquoll make sure you are happy Irsquoll sleep when Irsquom dead I always do what is right and you never do If I do not get
this new job Irsquoll have to go back to the old one
Extreme conclusions are mental
destinations We travel there via trains ofthought Four main engines pull separate linesof cargo cars loaded with random thoughtsand assumptions These engines are calledBlack-and-white All-or-nothing Either-orand Pass-fail
Extreme conclusions are depressive whenexpectations are not met For example in thesports world winning is everything If an
Disclaimer Absolute truths exist as expressedthroughout this book that is not the topic here
Pass-fail
athlete with a pass-fail mindset loses the athletersquos sense of personalvalue may hang on the scoreboard
49
Primarily this mindsetjudges By dissecting life andboxing it in with manmaderules it labels situationspeople ideas emotions andeven God as all good or all
bad
Unwanted or disagreeable
Throughout a lifetime gray areas or for the sake of this chapter themiddle track is where most decisions are made We want to land atreasonable conclusions Listening learning compromising makingfair judgments and extending mercy swiftly carry us to that moresatisfying place
Once there we find closer relationships higher self-esteemforgiveness and honesty
It is imperative our thoughts ride the middle rails Outside of thatwe lose sight of options We wind up lost in Extreme Conclusionsour minds closed
Black-and-white (judgmental)
Black-and-white thinking is themonster truck of thought enginesthe gold medalist in conveyingundecipherable messages to ourbrain at speeds so fast that we areat Extreme Conclusions wellbefore we have had a chance to reconsider
50
ideas and emotions are stored out of reach and dismissed
Jesus lived in the gray Violently against hypocricy and manmadereligious laws and passionate about his Father he taught atransformative love
Do not judgesup1 open your eyes and arms to the strangersup2 and sharewith those in needsup3 he preached Greet people who are not yourpeople⁴ pray for your enemies⁵ and do to others as you wouldwant them to do to you⁶
He was radical then and still is It was against religious rules to doany work on the Sabbath yet Jesus healed people and allowed hishungry disciples to pick grain on holy days He lifted women to ahigher plane speaking to them directly and treating them with thesame respect he offered men He welcomed women to choosediscipleship Love and decency shown to the poor and sociallydespised became a hallmark of his ministry
He was not so patient with religious hypocrites
Jesus told a now-famous parable⁷ about extreme conclusions of theself-righteous black-and-white variety and their opposite
A man of a certain race and creed was beaten by robbers and left todie Two people of the same race and creed saw him lying there andignored him
Why He was inconvenient They had work to finish and religiousrules to follow Touching a dead man back then would make themceremonially unclean for seven days⁸ They would not take thechance
51
A third man came along this time of a race andcreed that shared a long-standing animositytoward the people of the robbed man Normallythese two populations did not interact or eventouch some of the same items
Social norms did not cause this third passer-by tohesitate He saw only human need and rushed tothe aid of a person dying by the side of the roadInstead of us versus them he chose middleground
He saw
only
human
need and
rushed to
the aid of
a person
dying by
the side of
the roadInstead of
us versus
them he
chose
middle
ground
He cleaned the manrsquoswounds with oil andwine bandaged hislacerations and tookhim to an inn where theowner agreed to watchover his recovery Thekind stranger paid forroom and boardpromised to check backand left to go about hisbusiness
Black and whitejudgments often have
52
nothing to do with love The Difference Makerreminds us that he holds all knowledge and weknow but part⁹ Blinded to a log in our eyes wewill hurt people by attempting speck-removalsurgery on theirssup1⁰
ldquoMake sure that the light you think you have is not actuallydarkness If you are filled with light with no dark corners then yourwhole life will be radiant as though a floodlight were filling youwith lightrdquosup1⁰∙⁵
All-or-nothing (misdirected drive)
All-or-nothing is 101 investment in a single area of life to theexclusion of all else It is a one-track train of thought
state of constant motion stress and guilt
Whatever consumes our priorities and imagination vital momentsand relationships that make life worthwhile wilt in the cabooseDepression is an unsurprising pay-off as are heart attacks Balanceis in the middle
Common modern misdirected drives such as the love of money andcontrol over onersquos destiny are also ancient
A rich young mansup1sup1 clearly spiritually sensitive approached JesusldquoI have carefully followed all the ten commandmentsrdquo he saidldquoWhat else must I do to earn eternal liferdquo
With love Jesus offered a shocking plan He suggested the man sellhis possessions and give the money to the poor This ran far deeper
Be it work education legacyfame power pursuit of moneyor anything else an all-or-nothingmindset mimics tyrannythreatening to stop us altogetherunless we remain in a deplorable
53
than asking for a donation Jesusrsquo intentions appear less aboutsacrificial giving than faith
One sect of religious teachers at the time commonly taught thatwealth proved Godrsquos approval and was a likely ticket to heaven ifheaven existed The young man went away sad and this falseteaching may be part of the reason His question had been aboutobeying rules Jesusrsquo answer challenged him to lsquobreakrsquo one of theso-called rules that provided comfort
Driven to earn more collect more and reassure himself he missedeverything he had been looking for He was afraid of losing statushis hope of salvation by a means other than Jesus
heaven what hope was there for the poor For them Theyasked ldquoWho then can be savedrdquo
Jesus said ldquoWith man this is impossible but with God all thingsare possiblerdquo In one sentence he negated the notion that anythingbut Godrsquos grace can usher people into eternal life
All-or-nothing thinking potentially affects us in any area Jesussaid ldquoNo one can serve two masters For you will hate one and lovethe other you will be devoted to one and despise the otherrdquosup1sup2
To his disciples who witnessed thisexchange Jesus said ldquoIt is easierfor a camel to go through the eye ofa needle than for a rich person toenter the kingdom of Godrdquo
They were naturally astounded atthis unfamiliar teaching If it wereimpossible for the rich to enter
54
A popular heresy is the ldquoprosperity gospelrdquo promising gulliblepeople that God wants them rich Lest there be any doubt Paulexplains this topic in a letter to the young pastor Timothy
ldquoThese are the things you are to teach and insist on If anyoneteaches otherwise and does not agree to the sound instruction of ourLord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching they are conceited andunderstand nothing They have an unhealthy interest incontroversies and quarrels about words that result in envy strifemalicious talk evil suspicions and constant friction between peopleof corrupt mind who have been robbed of the truth and who thinkthat godliness is a means to financial gain
ldquoBut godliness with contentment is great gain For we broughtnothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it But if wehave food and clothing we will be content with that Those whowant to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into manyfoolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin anddestruction For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil Somepeople eager for money have wandered from the faith and piercedthemselves with many griefshellip
ldquoCommand those who are rich in this present world not to bearrogant nor to put their hope in wealth which is so uncertain butto put their hope in God who richly provides us with everything forour enjoyment Command them to do good to be rich in gooddeeds and to be generous and willing to share In this way they willlay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the comingage so that they may take hold of the life that is truly liferdquo
1 Timothy 63-19niv
55
Either-or (limited vision)
when he applied for work on the railroad in 1944 He was tooyoung Extreme conclusions told him it was useless to try againalthough the original dream never died
It is easy to look at William and think he could have tried hardernonetheless what about us Have we given up dreaming Are westaying in abusive relationships because we cannot see a way outHave we denied ourselves recovery because it seems impossibleDo we accept mental health struggles with an ldquooh wellrdquo shrug andbalk at seeking help
Do we worship the all-powerful all-knowing always-loving ldquoGodwith usrdquosup1sup3 or keep our distance for fear he will ruin our lives
Maybe we hide behind either-or too
Train tracks mechanically move at what are aptly called switchesRailyards have complex systems allowing engines with or withoutcars to completely reverse and travel the opposite direction
Either-or narrows ourvision to only two possiblechoices It leaves no spacefor fresh solutions Livingin this mindset isdepressive becausewhatever we want outsideof these limited options islocked out of consideration
William was turned down
56
What if God plans to conduct me through the impossible
What if his strength is enough for me to try something new
What if his wisdom will guide me safely away from repeated effortsthat have never worked and into freedom
What if I survive What if I can start over What if
Maryrsquos and Martharsquos brother Lazarus was severely illsup1⁴ Worriedthe sisters sent an urgent message to Jesus Please come
His reaction is still jolting
Lazarus died To many Jesusrsquo slowness did not look like concernenough
Martha ran to meet him as he arrived at town She said ldquoIf you hadonly been here my brother would not have diedrdquo
ldquoNow Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus Sowhen he heard that Lazarus was sick he stayed where hewas two more dayshelliprdquo (italics mine)
Switches are a massive undertaking andan engineering marvel
In what we may appropriately callanother marvel the Difference Makerwillingly switches at any time our one-track thoughts If we allow Godrsquospossibilities to override our either-orfaith asks a positive ldquowhat ifrdquo
57
Mary slumped at his feet tortured by the same thought ldquoLord ifyou had been herehelliprdquo Visitors who had come to grieve with Marthaand Mary mumbled ldquoHe could have saved Lazarusrsquo lifehelliprdquo
Deeply impassioned by the lack of faith around himsup1⁵ Jesuswalked to a small cave covered by a stone It was Lazarusrsquo graveldquoMove the stonerdquo he said
ldquoBut Lordrdquo said Martha ldquoBy this time there is a bad odor for hehas been there four daysrdquo
Lazarusrsquo sisters were stuck in either-or thinking partially due to thesociety in which they grew up Among the many false religiousteachings of their day it was believed that the soul left the bodypermanently after three days
The stone out of the way Jesus called in a loud voice ldquoLazaruscome outrdquo
Lazarus emerged from the dark caveinto daylight Jesus said ldquoTake offhis grave clothes and let him gordquo
No one had expected this No onedreamed that Jesusrsquo love includedthe inexplicable
No one had
expected
this
Four days after death meant no more hopefor miracles Either Jesus had come quicklyor it was too late Either Jesus had raisedLazarus a day earlier or it was impossibleeven for him
58
The disciples had heard him say earlier that Lazarus would live Hehad informed Martha also that Lazarus would be raised Yet thatwas not enough for them to understand and believesup1⁶
Jesus wept with Mary and Martha yearning to increase their faithHe was glad to see many of the witnesses finally set aside theirdoubts
The resurrection of Lazarus was significant for another reasonWhen powerful religious leaders heard about this miracle theirsomewhat paranoid ideas about Jesus and how many people wereturning to him increased They convened as a unit to plot Jesusrsquomurder not admitting they had no power to kill him outside ofGodrsquos timing
Ultimately by waiting to answer the sistersrsquo desperate plea thecompletion of Christ Jesusrsquo great mission took place voluntarilypaying the bloody price for our sins and coming back from deathThrough the experience of Lazarus he had left his followers withproof of his power to restore life no matter the odds
The death Lazarus endured was never in vain God who exists intimelessness knew precisely what everyone needed most They sawsuffering he saw the unfolding of his perfect plan They grieved theend of a life he rejoiced at the beginning of eternal life for all whowould trust in him completely
The Difference Makerworks miracles farbeyond either-or
59
60
A pass-or-fail train of thought is brutal Without mercy itdemands an accounting for every mistake Do not think it rewardswise choices No this train is on to the next opportunity to runover its victim Most often that is you
Olivetrsquos goal is to find a job in a new career Measuring her successby using a scale of 1-100 she gives herself a 30 for returning toschool as an older adult Finishing with an Associatersquos degree sheadds another 30 She finds it difficult to land a job Does this dropher back to zero
Pass-or-fail thinking takes such a punch and does not rise All thiseffort has been a waste of time
Mercy accepts realityrsquos middles Is stamina in Olivetrsquos job searchworth 20 She counts her successful steps Already she is at 80and not yet hired
Is anything more emotionallyself-punishing than to measureourselves against an impossiblestandard The psalmist wroteldquoEven perfection has itslimitshelliprdquosup1⁷
Pass-or-fail (merciless)
Unemployed Olivet might look like a loserto some Not to God ldquoPeople judge by theoutward appearance but the Lord looks atthe heartsup1⁸
61
One of Jesusrsquo closest friends Peter was an emotional man withgood intentions and quick impulses Words tended to leap from hismouth before careful thought
He opened his mouth one time too many Only hours before Jesuswas arrested on trumped-up charges Peter vowed his allegiancesaying ldquoEven if I have to die with you I will never deny yourdquosup1⁹
Jesus said ldquoPeter before morning by the time a rooster crowstwice you will have already denied me three timesrdquo
A crowd of men armed with swords and clubs took Jesus intocustody in the middle of the night His disciples scattered in fearPeter had enough courage to follow Jesus to the trial albeit fromfar behind He found himself hiding near a campfire with guardsand others who had been at the arrestsup2⁰
A servant girl recognized him ldquoYou were one of those with Jesusrdquo
Peter answered for all those around the fire to hear ldquoI donrsquot knowwhat yoursquore talking aboutrdquo
A rooster crowed in the background
As the rumor traveled people staredA voice spoke from the shadows ldquoHeis one of themrdquo
Panicking Peter said ldquoI swear I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Other bystanders confronted him
ldquoYou must be one of his followers Youraccent gives you awayrdquo
rooster crows Agonizing shame stabbed at his heart andbeleaguered his mind You will deny me three times before therooster crows twice Bolting from that place Peter wept bitterly
If life is a pass-fail test with God Peter failed At the mostimportant moment in history he crumbled That is not the end ofPeterrsquos story
Jesus was crucified Three days later after Jesus rose to life Peterraced with all his might to the grave to see if this report weretruesup2sup1 I imagine he had never dreamed of a second chance
Jesus showed himself to the disciples several times over the nextforty days One morning as he sat with seven of them Jesus saidto Peter ldquoDo you love me more than theserdquosup2sup2
American English is limited in that we use one word for loverelying on inflection and context to fill-in-the-blanks The ancientlanguages of the Bible were more specific Jesus was asking ldquoDoyou love me dearly more than these other disciples do Do youlove me now with total commitment and devotionrdquo
62
If life is a pass-
fail test with
God Peter
failed
ldquoA curse on me if Irsquom lying I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Immediately the rooster crowedagain
Before the rooster crows Before the
Having once said he would not deny Jesus even if everyone elsedid Peterrsquos pride was tested Understanding clearly that the Lordknew him better than he knew himself he may have been afraid toanswer Perhaps he doubted his capability to love like he had beencertain he could
He said ldquoYou know that I love You with a deep personal affectionas for a close friendrdquo
ldquoThen feed my lambsrdquo Jesus told him restoring Peter to hispreaching and teaching ministry
Jesus repeated the question ldquoSimon son of John (as Peter was alsoknown) do you love me dearly more than these others do withtotal commitment and devotionrdquo
Peter stood by his original friend-type answer
ldquoThen take care of my sheeprdquo
Suddenly Jesus changed his question ldquoPeter do you love me witha deep personal affection as for a close friendrdquo
It is almost as if Jesus were questioning Peterrsquos truth-telling but doyou really Perhaps this is how Peter heard it Still torn up byshame and self-doubt his reply was emphatic ldquoYou knoweverythingrdquo
Jesus assured him in a perplexing way ldquoWhen you grow old youwill stretch out your hands and arms and someone else will dressyou and carry you where you do not wish to gordquo
63
To Peter this dire news meant that he would one day be the manhe wanted to become Unafraid to love Jesus with his whole hearthe would stare martyrdom in the eye and courageously accept thecost of following the Messiah
One can almost feel the relief that swept over Peterrsquos body makinghis arms limp and body sag Although scripture does not tell us Iimagine Peter weeping again this time in gratitude and relief
Jesus said ldquoFollow merdquo
Three years earlier Jesus had called to Peter to follow him theoriginal language meaning ldquoCome hererdquo Peter had enthusiasticallybecome a believer and devotee Why say it again
This time the word follow was an invitation to walk the same pathJesus had walked Peter had a quality decision to make He wasforgiven and grace welcomed him back Would he accept
Later Peter faced the council that had condemned Jesus to die Thiswas said of him ldquoThe members of the council were amazed whenthey saw the boldness of Peterhelliprdquosup2sup3 Yes Peter accepted and so canwe Our failures or missteps do not determine our value
Paul reflected on why God houses his great power in humanbelievers calling us ldquofragile clay jarsrdquosup2⁴
Fragility with clay feet like Peterrsquos helps to keep us from theextreme conclusion that we are wiser than God becoming big-shotsforgetting that all good and perfect gifts are from the DifferenceMakersup2⁵ who loves us with an everlasting love
64
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord Irsquom standing at the crossroads
and looking asking for the ancient
paths asking where the good way is
so I can walk in it You promise it is
there that I will find rest for my soul
Guide me Lord Amen
Based on Jeremiah 616
66
Practical Exercise 5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
67
Keep
working
68
Next know when to say yes for a most-fulfilling life
Knowing what is of utmostimportance to you will helpprevent misdirected drive
1 Take time to list all yourcurrent obligations This willinclude family friends jobfinancial expenditures physicalhealth mental health spiritualgoals what God has asked ofyou and anything that youmust finish
2 Look realistically at theabove Is there anything thatdoes not fit within your daily
availability finances emotionalenergy or physical capabilities
3 Is there anything you canremove from this list Ask forGodrsquos wisdom
What remains are your yesses
With rare exceptions everythingelse is a no Each time you agreeto secondary activities expensesor obligations you are trading-in and saying no to something(or someone) you more highlyvalue
Making new
obligations
copyNancy Virden 2012
Popularity spending
more money
entertainmenthellip
6Hopelessness
Some thoughts No win is possible Nothing can improve These losses are too heavy with only more to come God
cannot stand me anymore My family is better off without me I am a burden Everyone else is happier I cannot
fight the pain anymore Irsquom done
True hopelessness has no sense of humor It is scary and
overbearing on each minute of the day It is not somewhat hopefullike when a possibility is unlikely it is devoid of any expectationsfor good now or in the future Abject hopelessness can be fatal
This fact drives the passion behind me and many ministries andservices trying to spread another message what seems like an endis a faccedilade fakery 0ptions are only hidden in the darkness hope isalways present even when we temporarily cannot see it
If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is call
Nothing in this book is to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care
US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis text line- Text ldquoHELLOrdquo to 741-741
For other international hotlines go here
If you are suicidal with a plan immediately call 911 in the US (112 in the
EU) or go to your nearest emergency room
69
The Real
I am a suicide attempt survivor One cannot climb out of that airlesspit without having learned new ways to breathe
Only a few days after leaving the hospital I attended the PartialHospitalization Program (PHP) suggested by my doctors There apotent weapon to use against suicidal thoughts came from anunlikely source
The scene was a small room intended for about fifteen peoplecrowded instead with twenty-five or more who were scrambling forchairs A few chatting voices exposed the general climate ldquoImheaded for rehab I just got back Im going to lose my job if Imiss any more workldquo
Most of us stared silently A single therapist managed to find spaceand called everyone to quiet
At his leading one by one people offered a number between 1-5rating the power of their suicidal thoughts Most chose 2 or 3 A fewof us with higher numbers were challenged to offer specific plansfor staying safe until the next day One man was sent back to thehospital
Then a woman spoke quietly A thought is just a thought I guesswe do not have to act on itldquo
I was stunned Her simple logic sounded profound to a braintangled in disorder and raging mood swings A thought ishellip only athought I tried to sort it out But how I feel now is how I willalways feelhellip
70
it differently but Iwill try to offer aglimpse into thatdark space
Alone in a pitch-black alley youcollapse to theground soundless
Unless you have been there it will be difficult to comprehend thegrueling emotions of a suicidal mindset Each person experiences
groans wrenching from deep within your torso
Thick briers and vipers pervade the trail that led you here Foryears you have navigated treacherous mountains of jagged rocksand falling boulders Your body is broken and bloodied
If you could or wanted to move the only way to continue yourjourney would be to grasp with ripped open hands the barbed wirefence by which you entered the alley place your torn feet on itsspikes and climb
Snarls in the blackness feel warm to your face A feral angry caninesnaps at you brushing your clothes with bared teeth Without fearyou sense it is a friend Its hungry jowls are only waiting for you todecide
As the only visible option outside of returning to the torture of whatcannot change the caninersquos guarantee is welcome hellip
Imagine then in that hopeless place hearing that the snarlingpromise is only a thought
71
The Difference Maker
It is the strangest thing When therapy started in 2011 I feltvulnerable like a toddler I could feel that inner child growing upto 6 10 then teen over the next months and years In my actualmid-fifties I declared my new 20 God gave me a chance toemotionally redo childhood safely this time while he re-parentedme with truth
What I had been so certain I could not live without never came tobe Some of the losses I feared have occurred Joy today comesfrom having rediscovered who our Creator intended me to becomePeace is from healing on the inside and finally having my hopewhere it belongs in the love of Jesus Christ
Pressure made it
nearly impossible
to breathe the
only air - leaking
from a cracked
sewer pipe
Marco was buried alive A wall of dirtand rock crashed over him forcinghis legs into a backward twist andlanding him head downwardPressure on his chest made it nearlyimpossible to breathe the only airavailable leaking from a crackedsewer pipe
The day passed as frantic rescueefforts continued Finally Marco waswhisked away to the nearest hospitalHe had been buried for eleven hours
Resulting physical disabilities make daily life challenging YetMarco has chosen contentment over bitterness Calm andcompassion have replaced old self-centered and impatient ways
72
The foundational extreme conclusion of hopelessness is thatnothing can change It may be true that our circumstances orrelationships will not change as we would like Perhaps it is we whocan change Maybe what we think we need for happiness is worthreconsidering
ldquoForget the former things do not dwell on the pastrdquo God saysldquoSee I am doing a new thing Now it springs up do you notperceive it I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in thewastelandsup1
My biggest leap toward a return to mental health was making awary deliberate decision to learn how to enjoy the life God gave tome Hope begins to appear when we choose to believe for it
The One who sees you
God loves you He cares about you He is not distant too busy ordistracted The LORD is close to the brokenheartedsup2 He whowatches over you will not slumbersup3
Hagar⁴ as an Egyptian slave pregnant and in a contentiousrelationship with the woman she served had run out of optionsShe ran away into the desert where the angel of the Lord met her
He said God was aware of her misery He promised she was havinga son who would be as free as a wild donkey⁴∙⁵ and the father ofmany nations
No doubt she carried deep longing for any future children to be freefrom slavery Reassured of her own future too she said ldquoYou arethe God who sees merdquo
73
As you walk secret trails through unwanted memories of shameand torment and you believe you are a waste of skin there isOne who knows you completely and loves
Overwhelmed in a desert of grief and questions seeing only moreloss in your tomorrows there is One who weeps with you whostands with you in broken-heartedness
He loves the child once so battered by other peoples sins He lovesthe adult in need of rescue from your own sins He sent his Son forboth and offers salvation and healing to each part of you
So when you believe there is no hope for change and everyonewill be better off without you there is One who sees hears knowsand loves
Go ahead ask him to meet you where you are He is the only Onewith the power to guide you through the next minute hour dayand year Reach out to Almighty God your Difference Maker
In your alley of hopelessness alonewhen fear of staying alive swampsyour mind and suicide seems theonly way out there is One who seesyou
Buried alive under mounds ofdespair and emptiness lying in thedark corner of a lifeless roomthere is One who hears your silentscreams and understands what youcannot speak
74
Dear child of God you are not failing him
which can come with depression From fellowship topersonal Bible study to a sense of Godrsquos love it was all missing
Of course at the time I had no idea of a physical cause for thisspiritual struggle It seemed my fault Abject lonelinesshopelessness a sense of worthlessness and guilt were what I knewPain Sorrow Torment Repeat
Occasional one-word whispered prayers lifted from my bed I criedfor what seemed like the absence of God
Then I saw Jesus There he stood in a mental picture a gift fromheaven He did not speak chase suffering away or take me to bewith him Unfelt he was only there with me in the dark I knewChrist Jesus never left
Relearning how to think resolving terrible situations physicalhealing of the brain these take a while God never walks away⁵His promises keep⁶ His love endures forever ⁷
Without a doubt the most significant lossand cause of grief as I struggled with severedepression was the inability to hear Godrsquosvoice I feared he would never speak to meagain that I had gone too far I feltspiritually dead
It was not true How can one be spirituallydead and care about it Typical experiencesaccompanying my Christian faith were outof reach due to cognitive and energy issuesand anxiety
75
1 Empathy2 Impulse Control3 Self-knowing Awareness
and Insight4 Fear Modulation5 Body Regulation6 Intuition7 Morality8 Emotion Regulation
1 Fear Processing2 Initiates the Fight Flight or
Freeze Response3 Emotional Learning4 Form Memories Related to
Intense Emotions Like Fear and Pleasure
5 Involved in Experiencing Anxiety
6 Reward ProcessingFigure 1
F U N C T I O N S
F U N C T I O N S
A few scientific facts (simplified so I can understand them) mayhelp clarify why spiritual vagueness might accompany depressionor anxiety
During an episode with depression the prefrontal cortex of ourbrain wrestles to varying degrees to function as normal Scans haveshown little activity there in a person with severe depressionResults may include impaired concentration confusion increasedimpulsivity mood swings heightened anxiety and a state offatigue
Our amygdala is also on overdrive so we are thrust into fightflight or freeze survival mode We may lose our ability to feelanything good
76
When a delivery is made to a wrong address everything in thepackage exists in full but is unavailable to the rightful owner Inthe same way while we are dealing with depression the advice torest in Godrsquos love know his joy and fill our minds with his peacelands at the wrong doorstep We have faith nevertheless there isno felt connection to him We do not experience God or lovingGod
With input running through this filter we may believe we arespiritual failures I am not good enough for God hersquos tired of meministry is over These thoughts are untrue and not how Godviews his dear children
Scripture shares testimonies of God meeting people at their pointsof need without chiding them Accounts of faith riding outdepression⁸ comfort after sorrow⁹ protection during panicsup1⁰good news calming anxietysup1sup1 and trust during hopelesssituationssup1sup2 are numerous In Elijahrsquos story alone we have abeautiful example of Godrsquos tenderness toward a deeply depressed
prophet who struggled with suicidal thoughtssup1sup3
your thoughts comings and goings motives and emotionssup1⁴ Heknows your complete story
Our Creator understands how the brain works Is God who notices
By restricting mental health challenges tothe realm of the spiritual or to the moralwe disregard the body and mind aspects ofour complete person
Look at your whole self as God does Hesees you and knows your name He knows
77
every sparrow that falls unaware of your confusionsup1⁵ Hispromises to turn all things out for our good and to grow our faiththrough trials do not imply quick work Be patient with yourselfOne day at a time as you are ready God will reveal what he wantsyou to know
If you cannot feel him while severely depressed he has not goneanywhere You are not failing the Difference Maker byexperiencing the painful emotion of hopelessness
God gives us people
Proverbs 1814-16 was written by King Solomon a champion ofseeking wise counsel It reads ldquoThe human spirit can endure insickness but a crushed spirit who can bear The heart of thediscerning acquires knowledge for the ears of the wise seek it outrdquo
Ultimately it is your and my responsibility to save our lives andescape hopelessness Like a child trying to lift a rock twice her sizewe are not using all our available strength if we do not turn to onewho is able to assist
The Difference Maker can lead us to people he has gifted withknowledge and talent to help us with our specific needs
Family and friendsExpectations for support from family and friends might be a let-down Each of us only knows his own despondency and joysup1⁶
Just as we cannot fully understand how others feel or experiencelife loved ones and friends who genuinely care for our wellbeingdo not always know what to say or do when we express hopelessness
78
It is vital we understand this Otherwise in a fragile state we mightmisperceive their unhelpfulness or distance as lack of love
In their great fear of losing you or normalcy or withunsubstantiated guilt for your despair significant others may reactangrily in a controlling fashion or defensively Your calmestfriends might resort to platitudes and examples of when they weredepressed once and got over it quickly
Forgive them Tell them what you need Ask for what you need Letthem make mistakes We cannot mindread and presume to knowtheir motives either
Mental healthcare professionals
Most of us go to a mechanic to havesomeone with skill fix our car We wouldnot stay long if they started knitting newparts There is nothing helpful to gainfrom opinions without experience or
insight either
79
ldquoWalk with the wise and become wiserdquosup1⁷ Professional mentalhealth caretakers are available almost everywhere whether onlineover the phone or in person Licensing means they have receivedthe necessary training for walking people through uniquechallenges that present with mental illness personality and otherdisorders trauma addiction and relationship dynamics
Two terms frequently confused are psychiatrist and psychologistPsychiatrists are medical doctors (MD or DO) Like all medicalspecialists it is their job to assess symptoms and prescribe a course
80
of action Psychiatrists rarely offer psychotherapy (talk therapy)Office visits are usually about 15 minutes They prescribemedication based on revealed symptoms
Psychologists generally are talk therapists with a doctorate inpsychology (PsyDPhD) Sessions with clients typically run 50-60minutes These sessions may vary in style based on any givendoctorrsquos preferred approach Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)has statistically proven more effective for depression and anxietythan other therapy methods
Licensed therapists may practice within specialties such as traumaor addiction Common abbreviations you may have seen includeLMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist LPC (LicensedProfessional Counselor) LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)There are also LPAs (Licensed Psychological Associates) LifeCoach and Peer Support certificates do not include the advancedtraining required for most therapists unless the individual hassought those degrees as well
Christian counselors and pastorspriestsSome believers insist they must see a Christian counselor Thereare of course different perspectives to this
DW leads a ministry for pastors in need of mental health servicesHe said ldquoI would rather people see [a non-believer therapist] whoknows what he is doing than a Christian who does notrdquo
The titles Christian Counselor or Pastoral Counselor are not anautomatic assumption of extensive training Not everyone isequipped to use the Bible effectively for psychiatric or behavioralhealth issues
81
Because a woman advertised herself as a Christian counselor Iwent to see her Within three weeks I realized her version of faithwas the humanistic concept of a christ-within We are our ownsaviors and deity according to her No that is idolatry notauthentic Christian faith which acknowledges One God one Savior
Except for a single time I have sought licensed mental healthprofessionals who follow Jesus A secular psychiatrist was patientwith my faith until I mentioned hearing from God Then shethought I had lost touch with reality
Both the christ-within counselor and the psychiatrist were limitedbecause they could not understand the most important part of howI think Godrsquos Word is my guide honoring God is my highest goaland listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit is imperative
Your story is not over
Her tattoo seemed meaningless Whywould anyone want a semi-colon onher upper arm Years later I wear asemi-colon ring
As a punctuation mark the semi-colonis placed where a sentence could endbut the author decides to continue Forsuicide attempt survivors around theworld it is a symbol of choosing to liveout onersquos story after wanting to closethe book
Semi-colon commodities are shows of solidarity of hope and for
82
some a reminder We are making our stories known so you toowill realize that hopelessness does not define your futureRegardless of what you may feel hear us Your story is not over Itis time for a new chapter
Godrsquos plan for you
is not done
he has
much to show you
I am glad you are
alive God feels
that way about you
too
We found out it is
true our
lives are
not futile
Dear supports
Job (pronounced jobe) lived about 4000 years ago His story ispreserved in the Bible book titled with his namesup1⁸ Jobrsquosprosperity comfort and high standing role as judge and advisorwere unmatched
In one day Job lost about a third of his farm animals thousands ofthem to robbery and the rest about 7000 to fire Most of hisfarm hands were murdered by the robbers and his shepherds diedin the fire Only three men survived to tell Job what hadhappened
While Job reeled from this disastrous news a fourth man ran up
ldquoMasterrdquo the servant said ldquoyour sonrsquos house collapsed underpowerful winds All ten of your children were inside IhellipI am theonly survivorrdquo
Job sunk to the ground in a daze As was befitting such sadness inhis culture he shaved his head tore his clothes and sat in ashes
Soon he developed from head to toe a ldquoburning ulcerationrdquo of hisskin This illness commonly translated in the plural as boils issingular in the original Hebrew language in which it was recordedMost likely black leprosy swollen open sores turned all his skinblack and crusty until it eventually fell off Job scratched at intenseitching with a broken piece of pottery
His bones deteriorated Nightmares invaded his sleep Hestruggled to eat becoming gaunt and weak ldquoJust curse God anddierdquo his wife said in her own grief
83
People who used to look up to him now mocked him Young peopledared spit in his face The disease was contagious and incurable inJobrsquos time so even his servant responded only when Job begged Hewas humiliated and lonely
Stripped of everything three supports still managed to add to hissuffering
Jobrsquos friends came to visit as soon as they heard the news Shockedthey barely recognized him For seven days and nights they offeredthe kind of support we long for when feeling hopeless In silencethey sat nearby his suffering too great for words
Job spoke first Anguish poured from the pit in his belly Hequestioned the value of his life wondering why he had ever beenborn and why God would not let him die now
ldquoWhat I always feared has happened to me I have no rest onlytrouble comesrdquo he said
Immediately one agitated friend accused him of foolish talkdismissing his emotions as irrelevant compared to propriety
Each piled on
84
ldquoYou sound like a blustering windrdquo
ldquoListen God is doubtless punishing yourdquo
ldquoYour children must have sinned against him so their punishmentwas well deserved toordquo
Invalidation and judgment swallowed compassion whole Theycontinued their drivel ldquoWho are you to question Godrsquos wisdomYou need to be quiet and listen to us If you would only admit yoursin life would be happy againrdquo
In a cruel twist these arguments forced the one who was sufferingto defend his pain Instead of helping or comforting his friendsdragged fragile Job across the burning sands of rejectionfrustration and emotional abandonment
Dear supports learn from these men They were sorely wrong andGod said sosup1⁹
Why platitudes do not helpThe Great Physician and Counselor Jesus Christ heals with thethread of his Word He reaches for the darkest wounds in a humansoul and stitches them precisely and accurately one at a timeThere in the recesses the Word of God is counsel and lightsup2⁰
Three least helpful responses to someone feeling depressed orhopeless are anger and demand absence and fake cheeriness orplatitudes
Sharon inherited her childhood home and immediately tore downthe wall her mother used to bang her head against as a child
85
86
How can telling Sharon to forgive her mother take root if shame isall she has known Help her tear down the reminder wall first thenshe can stop staring at it and listen
Edward carries a full water bottle everywhere to subtly remindhimself he is not drowning when flashbacks threaten to send himinto a panic Why would the advice to have more faith encouragehim when he has never felt safe Give him water bottles first Asfear subsides he will hear the glad message
Aiesha carries a list of affirmations to read when her dadrsquosparalyzing voice creeps into her thoughts telling her she isworthless What will she do with promises of an identity in Christwhen she does not know what an identity is Fill Aiesharsquos emptylove tank first then her functioning heart can learn to see thedaughter God saw as he created her
Supports dare not try to rush the healing process by makingsomeone feel small and inadequate at feeling better Let us notdismiss the Difference Makerrsquos tender provision of patience andtiming
He has the wisdom and means to retrain a crippled thoughtprocess and belief system Meticulously and gently he cleans outand sews up layers of hurt and unhelpful thinking at a speed eachof his children can handle
Warning signs of suicide
From NIMHnihgovThe behaviors listed below may be signs that someone is thinkingabout suicide If these warning signs apply to you or someone youknow get help as soon as possible particularly if the behavior is newor has increased recently
Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill themselves Talking about feeling empty hopeless or having no reason to live Planning or looking for a way to kill themselves such as searching
for lethal methods online stockpiling pills or buying a gun Talking about great guilt or shame Showing despair or suicidal themes in original artwork or music Talking about feeling trapped or that there are no solutions Feeling unbearable pain (emotional pain or physical pain) Talking about being a burden to others Using alcohol or drugs more often Acting anxious or agitated Withdrawing from family and friends Changing eating andor sleeping habits Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge Taking great risks that could lead to death Displaying extreme mood swings from very sad to very calm
happy Giving away important possessions Saying goodbye to friends and family Putting affairs in order making a will
If you support a loved one or friend who struggles withhopelessness it is important to access resources andinformation Be prepared to support them well Gohere and here
87
Prayer to the Difference Maker
For the glory of your name
O Lord preserve my life
Because of your faithfulness
bring me out of this distress
Amen
Psalm 14311
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have the energy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeutic Even baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make your own
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that
Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list
Play music
Set the table
Take a shower
Sit with the family
Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today
Go for a walk with a person or your dog
Eat a healthy meal
Attend participate in a support group
Paint a picture or put a puzzle together
Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor
Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Practical Exercise 6 Live a little
89
Next allow hope
Think about your values as a guide Write downwhat is important to you and keep the list whereyou can see it Each day after you have a choicestick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
Lower your stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
For more ideas visit stress management here
90
Consider climbing these next few steps bottom to top in your search for professional help
If you are in crisis now do not wait Call 911 immediately or go toyour nearest emergency room
5 Feel free to switch You are doing
the hiring Find help not more confusion
1 Pray Ask the Difference Maker
to lead you to the right person Keep
praying even after you are in
sessions
4 Interview therapists Be specific
about what you need Ask a support to
do the interviewing for you if you are
not strong enough
3 Get recommendations for
therapists and doctors if possible
from believers of Jesus who have
received professional help Go here for
a reference page
2 Do not use stigma to
determine what method
of treatment will work
for you Listen to those
in-the-know
91
Envy secretly resents those who have what she wants Hence shecannot reflect the image of God who already owns everything Hehas no reason to envy
7Jealousy and Envy
Some thoughts Why canrsquot I have the family he does She has a dream job must be nice Hersquos had all the advantages I want my co-workerrsquos car Itrsquos not fair I want my wife here with me Who are these ldquofriendsrdquo he keeps talking about
Jealousy and Envy are notidentical Envy is the quiet sisterwhose eyes flit back and forthnever satisfied with who she isor what she has Hungry for theelusive she does not rememberher own blessings Her pursuitof happiness in a thing personor achievement focuses only onthe future
Twin sisters Jealousy and Envy are destructive to our
wellbeing They are intrusive obnoxious and interfere with ourpeace We do well to run the other way when we see these siblingscoming
92
The sister Jealousy robs people and atmospheres of joy Forinstance she might mumble ldquomust be nicerdquo if the object of herjealousy tries to share a happy story She complains bitterly
Jealousy acts possessively when someone she claims to loverefuses her control She makes threats and seeks vengeance Oftensuspicious energized by insecurity jealousy is nicknamed agreen-eyed monster for good reason
The Lord said this about himself ldquoDo not worship any othergod for the LORD whose name is Jealous is a jealous Godrdquosup1 Theword jealous in this verse in the original written language refersonly to God There is no resemblance to human jealousy which isseverely flawed
Godrsquos jealousy is holy He is jealous for us (not of us) because wegive our devotion to things that offer no hope He is not in a rivalryover our souls because he has no rival He is not jealous of anothergod because he is the Only True God He simply wants his people
to honor him to stay in the relationship
Unfortunately jealousy in the human form is unproductiveAccording to James ldquoWhere jealousy and selfish ambition existthere will be disorder and every vile practiceldquosup2 King Solomon alsowarned ldquoA heart at peace gives life to the body but envy rots thebonesldquosup3
Run for your life from the sisters
People are lost in the peripheral when we zero in on what theyhave Are we more drawn to the bling in a home or to the personwho invited us there
93
HumilityThe word humble means to dismiss self-reliance and become fully-dependent on God according to the original written language ofthe New Testament
Joe burned with anger so deep he thought it would kill him Hecried out to God for vengeance and relief from the cause of hispain The Holy Spirit nudged him toward humble willingnessFinally Joe prayed ldquoLord change merdquo
Do we hear what someone is saying or plot how to sound smarter
Are we glad for the friend who has what we want or do we sit backin bitterness
Jealousy and Envy isolate us emotionally keeping us too busycomparing to care Unable to give love fully we cannot receive it
either
Humility Willingness and Love are the Difference Makerrsquosbouncers ready to prevent thoughts of jealousy and envy fromovershadowing our joy
Like Joe humility takes responsibilityfor onersquos heart and refrains fromcasting blame everywhere else Joe washappy to discover his anger gonewithin a few days replaced by mercy
Humility gives us that freedom toexamine ourselves unafraid to setdenial aside Self-protection cannot
94
95
compare to Godrsquos great love Once aware of our need for mercy and his forgiveness we can offer it to others
Paul challenged his readers ldquoIn your relationships with oneanother have the same mindset as Christ Jesus Who being invery nature God did not consider equality with God something tobe used to his own advantage rather he made himself nothing bytaking the very nature of a servant being made in human likenessAnd being found in appearance as a man he humbled himself bybecoming obedient to death mdash even death on a crossrdquo⁴
Willingness is slippery It can be emotional and reactionaryreluctant and resigned or surrendered and devoted Willingness isproven by action
A man had two sons He went to the first and said ldquoSon go andwork today in the vineyardrdquo
ldquoI will notrdquo the boy answered Nonetheless he soon changed hismind and obeyed his father
The man went to his second son and requested he go to thevineyard to work This boy answered ldquoI will sirrdquo and never went
Jesus told the above parable⁵ to challenge stuffy holier-than-thoureligious leaders whose claims to know God were at odds with theirunacceptance of Godrsquos Son They were like the boy who said yesand did not follow through
Meanwhile societyrsquos unreligious outcasts were coming to JesusLike the first son they changed their minds and began doing whatthe heavenly Father asks of us
Love is described best in what many call The Love Chapter⁷ in theBible We learn first that love is kind Love celebrates with thosewho are glad and aches alongside people who are in sorrow⁸
We will never find the selfish sisters Jealousy and Envy trulysharing in a personrsquos joy Instead they smile and squeak out tersecongratulations while sincere love stands proud of theaccomplishments and blessings of others unafraid of their success
Neither do the sisters grieve for the sake of anotherrsquos heart Inworst case scenarios jealousy and envy are glad when people whoseem to have better lives suffer
Continuing with the definition of love we see it does not envy orboast it is not proud God said ldquoLet not the wise boast of theirwisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast oftheir riches but let the one who boasts boast about this that theyhave the understanding to know me that I am the LORD who
Thankfully the Difference Maker is working to change us from theinside-out to grow our willingness so we can join him in his goodpurposes⁶
96
exercises kindness justice and righteousness on earth for in theseI delightrdquo⁹
Love is not rude It respectfully honors others instead of focusing onselfish ambition Love always protects so gossip and assumptionsare not part of our conversations
Love is patient not easily angered It is not delighted with thefailings and miseries of people who do wrong so it does not compilebitter records Instead love trusts and hopes
Trust and hope are not the same as denial and duplicity Lovecelebrates all truth even uneasy truth Love perseveres but doesnot enable addiction abuse or other sins Real love is tough
Too often the term love is equated with sex or a temporary high ofdelight ldquoIf you love me yoursquoll sleep with merdquo is manipulative as isldquoif you make me happy I will love yourdquo These sentiments areproud dishonoring self-seeking unkind and unprotective
Love built on what is given to us or how someone makes us feelhas no foundation and teeters on whether we tire of the gifts andhow soon those warm fuzzy feelings wear off The love of God is notdependent on superficial beauty or favors His love never fails
Jesus said ldquoDo not love the world or anything in the world Ifanyone loves the world love for the Father is not in them Foreverything in the worldmdashthe lust of the flesh the lust of theeyes and the pride of lifemdashcomes not from the Father but from theworldrdquosup1⁰
Take those eyes off the world
97
Humility of attitude willingness to act and sincere love do notstare at what only might be
Picture a lawn overrun by weeds1 Humility realizes the lawn is not so beautiful and no bragging
rights are appropriate2 Willingness pulls the weeds3 It is love that kills the weedsrsquo roots and plants fresh seed
When those weeds growing in our thoughts are jealousy and envythe same principle applies
and lift toward heaven in gratitude for what God has so generouslygiven
Paul admitted ldquoAt one time we too were foolish disobedientdeceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures Welived in malice and envy being hated and hating one another Butwhen the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared he savedus not because of righteous things we had done but because of hismercyrdquosup1sup1
We have much for which to be thankful Gratitude is our escapefrom the sisters
The purveyor of love whose verynature is love the Difference Makerfills us with his perfect brand of loveWe lose the need to control or pursuepersons to drag love out of resistantrelationships or to chase after whatwe think might please us next Oureyes turn from what we do not have
98
100
Prayer to theDifference Maker
Thank You Jesus because you
died for everyone so that we
who receive your new life will
no longer live for ourselves I
want to be one who lives for
You Christ Jesus because You
died and were raised for me
Based on 2 Corinthians 15
100
Example Thought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social event learnto be a good friend Reach out to her in kindness
Do something of value to earn respect speak kindwords to and about him work on honest ways toimprove your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thank Godthose people are comfortable and not hungry orcold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to go outwith your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
Practical Exercise 7 Act Opposite
To keep jealousy and envy from overtaking your relationship withGod and thought life act opposite of how you feel Disappointmenttriggers jealous and envious thoughts What step can you take in theopposite direction
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Next do the amazing
What if you did something so shocking itamazes even you What if you went socounter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things
If you will do it this challenge will shake your world and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it more orto a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarranted criticismit is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of running woulda-if-onlyon a loop how about making the situation into a game
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
These ideas are radical Will you try
101
8Destructive Blame
Some thoughts My childhood was dysfunctional so I cannot succeed If it werent for so-n-
so I would be happy right now You make the decisions-it is your fault if I do not like them People make me lose my temper I will not trust God because church-goers
are hypocrites
Some thoughts My neighborrsquos dog bit me itrsquos my fault for
leaving the house My marriage might have worked if Irsquod done everything better My boss threw a clipboard
because I am a disappointment I should have been a better child and I would
not have been abused
Now we have met the sisters let me introduce the Destructive
brothers Blame and his other brother Blame These two arefishermen with strange styles
Blame 1 is a confused fishermanwho seems to miss the pointCasting generous portions ofblame in every direction it doesnot matter to him where itlands He does not fish with ahook It is not his intention tocatch anything that might endup back in his boat
102
Blame 1 had a difficult past and it is fair to empathize with thatHowever he will not review options He refuses to accept his powerto change His style of fishing is best described as cast cast andcast
Blame 2 is quirkier still He owns a boat but it is so full of catchesthat it will no longer float So he swims grabs what he can anddrags it back to shore
Trouble is he does not catch healthy fish but rather the blame hisbrother is doling out Blame 2 collects it stores it and never castsany of it away His style of fishing is collect whatever floats
Blame 2 has also had a tough life It is appropriate to care about hispains However like his brother Blame 1 he is not very open tochange
While toxic shame does not let go of mistakes destructive blame isabout shifting responsibility
Casting Blame
Casting blame transfers responsibility anywhere except on personalpoor choices This is frequently blatantly obvious
A man questioned a tax consultant about concerns related to his2020 stimulus check from the government He had left his first wifeand children and started a new family Where was his secondcheck ldquoDoesnrsquot the President know I have another family to careforrdquo
The tax consultantrsquos reply was crisp ldquoYou alone are responsiblehelliprdquo
103
Tam came to town for a funeral and claimed to be low on cash Wewere strangers and seeing her plight I invited her stay in myhome for two to three days One week later with a days-longheadache and nerves already jumping over the edge I dropped heroff at the airport
Decades ago she had moved several states away from her familyOn her first visit in years she screamed obscenities at them overher phone for hours a day This was only a few feet from my homeoffice hence the headache She spread lies among her relatives tome to a mutual friend and to my pastor
What I heard was her avoiding responsibility Casting blame feelsgood in the moment because it instantly relieves shame andaccountability It is not sustainable
Casting blame
is an efficient
means of
skipping
guard duty
over onersquos
wellbeing
One reason casting blame is depressive isthat the blamer must work harder andharder at rationalizing or denyingpersonal mistakes and wrongdoingsDepression perhaps is no surprise when apattern of bold-face lying becomes tooheavy a load
Blame conveniently pushes the burden ofchange elsewhere A blamer can rest inthe familiarity of pain although it is theirchief complaint In this way castingblame is an efficient means of skippingguard duty over onersquos wellbeing
104
ldquoFools make fun of guilthelliprdquo King Solomon wrotesup1 John explains
ldquoIf we claim we have no sin we are only fooling ourselvesrdquosup2
Waiting for the world to adjust to our wishes shields us fromseeing flaws in our attitude and behavior This is what blame doesform a blinder around our minds until we are barely free tounderstand the truth
Like Blame 1 cannot leave his boat casting blame keeps us stuck
Blaming GodHigh School senior Jarrad sees himself as a class clownconsistently and excessively talking throughout his classes both in-person and online until everyone is laughing His online teachers
try muting him and he resorts to physical antics
With his screen darkened toother students Jarrad texts themduring class Finally theprincipal steps in with a warningstop it or earn suspension
Jarradrsquos behavior does notimprove One month later hereturns to class with moredisruptive hilarity often at theexpense of teachers
His parents are aware and havedealt with their son However they work all day and Jarrad shrugsoff their discipline Expulsion is the last resort What other optionsremain for the school
105
Jarradrsquos refusal to change his rebellious ways eventually bringsabout his separation from those who try to help The schoolsystem teachers principal and Jarradrsquos parents have notabandoned him While leaders give him multiple opportunities tomaintain his education Jarrad will not have it
God does not throw us away either We have the power to detachfrom him and his influence at great personal cost Our insistence onrebellion weakens the relationship and eventually separates usfrom him Our sins hide his face so that he will not hearsup3
All too often ldquoa personrsquos own foolishness leads to their ruin yettheir heart rages against the Lordrdquo said Solomon⁴ Blaming Godfor difficulties resulting from our poor decisions is futile⁵ Ourungodly desires (thoughts) entice and drag us into sinful acts If weallow sin to blossom and grow large in our life it gives birth todeath⁶ Relationships occupations reputations opportunities andlives are at risk
God disciplines us for our good⁷ Like a child who learned in theprincipalrsquos office not to throw an eraser at her teacher a secondtime (excuse me while I clear my throat) if it takes hardship to getour attention he will allow it This kind of pain is a blessingbecause in his patience he never stops calling us or loving us backto life Solomon wrote ldquoDo not be upset when he corrects you Forthe LORD corrects those he lovesrdquo⁸
Our choices affect other peopleJarradrsquos regular interruptions slow classes down affect theauthority of teachers and frustrate serious students His expulsionis in part for the sake of everyone elsersquos education
106
Godrsquos hand of discipline on our heads may be for the protectionand blessing of other people too Rebellion hurts our parentsrsquofeelings⁹ Acts of foolishness harm societysup1⁰
The commandments to not commit adultery murder steal andthe restsup1sup1 are summed up in ldquoLove your neighbor as yourselfrdquosup1sup2
Love does no harmsup1sup3
Our choices affect our blessingsIf I pray for you to be blessed I am asking God to show you hisdivine favor Blessed is often equated with happiness contentmentor joy
Jarrad is missing out on a good education that we all know wouldgrant him more options in the future In a similar way we take apass on the greatest blessings from heaven by choosing to focus ontemporary feel-good moments Selfishness never fulfills us
The Bible says ldquoBlessed are thosehelliprdquo bull who are poor in spirit (devoid of spiritual arrogance)bull who grievebull who are gentlebull who hunger and thirst for integrity purity and rightness of
thinkingbull who are mercifulbull who are the peacemakersbull who are persecuted for righteousness sakesup1⁴bull who are kind to the poorsup1⁵bull who are not offended by Jesussup1⁶bull whose disobedience is forgivenbull whose lives are lived in complete honestysup1⁷bull whose hope is in the Lord their Godsup1⁸
107
Our choices affect spiritual productivity and growthJesus compared himself to a grapevine God the Father to agardener and us to branches God prunes that is trims backspiritually healthy branches so they will produce even morespiritually healthy fruitsup1⁹
Sometimes this process stings although there is no fear ofcondemnationsup2⁰ God is developing in us in increasing measurehis loving practicessup2sup1
Like a tree or grapevine what we produce will prove our natureWe know Jarrad is not exemplifying personal honor or concern forothers If he allows God to change his thinking he will still struggleto win back peoplersquos trust and supportsup2sup2
Goodness
Trutha tree of life
saving lives
Patience
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Testimony
Spiritually healthy fruitsup2sup3
108
Our choices affect our eternal reward
The Olympics were a big deal in ancient Greece where they firstorganized the competition Winners received crowns made fromplants Of course these shriveled up quickly
Paul spoke of a crown that will notwither Comparing the games and victorycrowns to a spiritual race he said ldquoTheydo it to win a prize that will fade awaybut we do it for an eternal prizerdquosup2⁴
The crown of life is the reward that Godhas promised to those who love himsup2⁵Paul says ldquoI press on to reach the end
of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God throughChrist Jesus is calling usrdquosup2⁶
Bearing in mind all the self-destructive choices we make why dowe blame the Difference Maker when life does not meet ourexpectations
Collecting misdirected blame
Straight up let us admit that innumerable circumstances andconsequences causing our suffering are the fault of others Thisincludes terrible acts people commit against us and how we feelemotionally or physically at that moment
We develop false guilt by accepting accountability for events out ofour control Once an adult what we choose to take in is up to usWe are not helpless
109
A tyrannical boss catches every one of his personal assistantrsquosmistakes and invents a few too He enjoys verbally abusing Mari byberating and mocking her in front of other employees He does nothave to accept responsibility for his decisions gone wrong becauseof his convenient scape goat
Facing this each day creates an atmosphere in which Mari begins toquestion herself Maybe I am clumsy and nit-witted I did notremember to fetch the folder he demanded I misspelled a clientrsquosname
Often misdirected blame is dotted with just enough truth to makeit difficult to weed out
Mari did make a mistake TrueShe has made more than one mistake TrueShe is accused of other mistakes TrueShe is responsible for anything beyond her actual mistakes FalseShe blames herself for her bossrsquos discomfort This is false guilt
AbuseAbuse is taking advantage of someone who is physicallyemotionally psychologically intellectually or in some way unableto stop the abuse In Marirsquos case at first she is unable to stop theverbal abuse because she would lose her job
A woman like Mari who is beginning to believe she is worthy ofharsh reprimand needs some psychological support to recognizethe manipulative lies of her boss She is too full of self-doubt tomeaningfully stand up for herself
Every form of abuse is about power and control Abusers blame lie
110
111
and manipulate to gain and maintain control over their target Asconsummate actors their public appearance is misleading Ifcaught or accused they know how to cry or they cry because theyare not getting their way In religious settings they know thelanguage of the faith and will use it to sound repentant Apologiesare unspecific unless they parrot the accuser
HumiliationPutting down your partner Calling your partner names Constant criticisms Making your partner feel like they are crazy or guilty Humiliating your partner in front of people Embarrassing your partner
Power and
Control
IntimidationYelling or screaming Using a threatening tone Talking down Threatening to hurt yourself or your partner Making your partner feel afraid Tearing up pictures Smashing gifts Destroying objects Slamming doors Throwing things
Treating your partner like a baby
property or servant Making all of the decisions
Having expectations that no one can meet Controlling who
your partner sees or spends time with Setting all the rules in the
relationship
Domination ThreatsSaying you cannotlive with your partner Telling your partner you will leave them somewhere if they do not do what you say Constantly threatening to find someone else Saying yoursquoll commit suicide of you break up
Sexual Abuse
Bragging about your sexual relationship
Making comparisons Flirting to make your partner
jealous Using drugsalcohol to get sex Pressuring your partner
Using emotional abuse to coerce sex Rape
Physical AbuseHolding your partner so they cannot
leave Slamming them intosomething Hiding your partnerrsquos
bruises Grabbing Slapping Hitting Shoving Punching
Kicking Poisoning Drugging
Minimization and Blame
Possessiveness Using jealousy as a sign
of love Accusing your partner of cheating on you Not letting your partner have other friends
Telling your partner how to think dress and act
Not accepting responsibility for your actions Making a
joke when you hurt your partner Telling or showing
your partner everything is their fault Acting like
abuse is ok in the relationship
Every form of
abuse is about
power and
controlhellip Abusers
make their
decision to abuse
Period
In this secret climate misdirected blame is part of the abuse Thespoken or unspoken threat is that the target will look like a liar ifthe truth comes out
Sadly it happens This is one of many complicated reasons targetsmay not leave their abusers soon or at all
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation go to thislist to find help
Make true and empowering statements
Create personal statements Examples
A I cannot control what other people choose to say or do It is notmy job to fix every circumstance
112
Abuse is always yes always thefault full responsibility and sin ofthe abuser
Gross misrepresentations of anabuse victimrsquos role are spoken inignorance He should have foughtback She wasnrsquot dressed rightHe pushed her buttons She wasnagging him He should have metcurfew She shouldnrsquot havemouthed off
Abusers make their decision toabuse Period
B I refuse to carry blame for the crime committed against me ormy family Only the criminal did wrong I did what I was capable ofdoing in the moment which is the best anyone can do in anysituation
C I will not take on the burden of guilt for my friendrsquos addiction Icannot save or fix her No one can She is responsible for seekinghelp and not just begging me for money or a place to stay
D I do not accept the abusers lies that I brought on the abuse Iwill not hate the child or victim-adult I once was for allowing whatI had no power to stop
Whether casting blame or collecting misdirected blame the optionto reach out for fresh perspective and guidance from the DifferenceMaker is always available
The brothers Blame never consider this
And a-fishinrsquo they go
113
Proverbs 205
Prayer to the Difference Maker
The purposes of a personrsquos heart
are deep waters
but one who has insight
draws them out
Please Lord I need your insight
to draw out my motives and
the deep injuries of my soul
so I can understand and change
Based on Proverbs 205
Practical Exercise 8 Find harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time to
study their companion and without criticism show appreciation forthe good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God for whatyou have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blame payattention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize everyone including yourself hasmade mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive as much asGod has forgiven you
This Or This
115
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stoppinganother person (we have no controlover them) Boundaries are about whatwe allow into our circle
Do the following exercise then createyour own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo
4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leave responsibilityfor his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for the consequences oflosing them
What about a situation in your life
Next draw a circle around yourself
116
9Perceived
Dependency Some thoughts If no one pushes me I cannot succeed He says he loves me after he hits me and I cannot be without
him This has been a tough day already I need a drink Irsquoll feel happy only if this job interview goes my way His
approval keeps me going Shersquoll leave if I do not stay sick
Dear Creeper
You are my perceived dependency You have toyed withme since I was young I played the game of hide andseek innocently believing you and the powerful forcesthat drove me to you were normal and right I did notunderstand you are a creeper
Your presence seemed a kind gift an experience forwhich I was grateful Slow and sure you built a templefor yourself in my brain
One day I witnessed the ruin of another of yourconfused devotees and began to fear you Confidencegrew in my power to go on alone Nonetheless yourcajoling stirred memories of when we first met andsoon your promises of the hour defeated caution
I
cared
only
for
how
you
made
me
feel
117
Your lies were soft and comfortable Eventually I believedeverything you offered for my protection No one could persuademe you were not my best friend
Remember how I used to panic when you were not in sightVigorous denial kept me from seeing what was happening I caredonly for how you made me feel
Oh but I see you now my enemy Perceived Dependency youhave never been a friend Joining hands with you in my destructionwas a game of Russian Roulette with unpredictable consequences
So-called dependency was but another deception I could have beenfree To be honest until now you have been my choice I amchanging my mind
You see there is someone real taking your place He is theDifference Maker the Highest Power who is always for me andnever against me
I could say itrsquos not you itrsquos me but this breakndashup is all aboutrunning away from you and into the arms of God
Goodbye from Not-Your-Victim
Co-dependent
Eating Disordered
Money-hungry
Etcetera
Defeatist
118
Stone and wood statues all over the world are praised and offeredgifts to appease whatever god they represent That is literal idolworship Jesus expanded the concept to include anything thatstands between us and full devotion to the One True God An idolthen is anything or anyone we think we cannot live without otherthan God
Perceived dependencies are our masters Not only are they a typeof idol but they are also futile No person can meet all our needsNo substance satisfies for long Compulsions heap unhappyconsequences on an already stressful life Obsessions overrulegood judgment Yet we obey them when they call
Perceived dependency unloads barrels of disappointment on thehuman spirit We create mental scenarios of rescue and if onlydelusions Who will make me happy What will bring relief Weare completely at the mercy of our perceived dependencies unlesswe take our power back
A perceived dependency is theact of giving our power freely toan outside force that once givensuch authority becomes ourmaster source motivation andexcuse
Nothing is easy about aperceived dependency NothingDay to day life is complicated bymaneuvers around the belief thatwhat we need most is missing
Our masters
119
Evie lives in denial As a heroin addict her behaviors are morepredictable than she is aware She is a sweet daughter and lovingmother when sober When she is using everyone runs for coverHer language is vile and abusive She tries to manipulate herdaughter for money
Only one year ago Evie graduated from long-term residentialtreatment She held down a job and visited with her youngchildren She did not separate herself from old companions andsadly relapse came as no surprise to her hopeful and wary familyEvie sacrifices for her obsession all that makes life worth livingcausing great pain in her wake
Evie and Tony
Tonyrsquos longing for love and overwhelming fear of rejection haswelded his self-made cage shut He leans heavily on his wife toreassure him with constant agreement Opposing opinionsthreaten his sense of security so he never asks for her realthoughts
His perceived dependency is the submission of his wife and otherswhile he takes no emotional risks It is clear in this scenario Tonysold his personal power at the cost of true love His wife is captivealso if she plays by his rules
The sad chaos of Eviersquos and Tonyrsquos lives is whythe words of the prophet Isaiah make senseHe said we feed on ashes by looking to an idolto meet our needs A deluded heart misleadsus To our detriment we fail to question ldquoIsnot this thing in my right hand a lierdquosup1
120
Then there is Rhona
Lifting her head from the toilet and sinking to the all too familiarfloor Rhona knew her eating disorder owned her and could endher life She was desperate for freedom
Someone introduced her to a 12-step program of recoveryThough a meeting was an hour away Rhona determinedly andfaithfully traveled to join-in Older members supported herthrough tears and triumph Eventually she had her life back
She does not consider herself free to eat whatever she wantsInstead she is free to choose carefully what will keep her healthyNo longer do certain foods send her spiraling because she avoidsthem completely She will carry safe foods with her to familygatherings and other events
Rhona is not a compulsive dieter her choices are a matter of lifeand death Thirty years later after entering recovery she stillattends meetings
Dr Rhona Epstein became one of the very few experts in foodaddiction and serves as a psychologist helping as many as she canHer book Food Triggers is beneficial to any one of us whostruggle with compulsive behaviors around food
Any willingness to be open to a spiritual
solution is a start -Dr Epstein
121
My son finally convinced me to watchthe Marvel series All of it I havelearned that imaginary superheroesstruggle to learn how and when to usetheir power
Decision-making is not so simple for useither Opting to break away from aperceived dependency is not asstraightforward as Captain Americatossing his shield at a villain andknocking him flat
Yes God has graciously created us with the remarkable power ofchoice Why do we so often risk its loss
It is doable Remember intent does not mean instant success Thefirst step each day is the main one
Have you survived difficult challenges If yes why not againHave other people recovered Why not you
Superpower
Each of us is gifted with a superpower Do the following fivequotes by Jesus reveal it to you
ldquoIf you wanthelliprdquo sup1∙⁵ldquoAnyone who chooseshelliprdquo sup2 ldquohellipif you do not believehelliprdquo sup3ldquoIf you hold to my teachinghelliprdquo ⁴ldquohellipyou were not willingrdquo⁵
122
Relapse
The difference between Evie Tony and Rhona is that Rhonalearned to wield her power of choice in her favor Ask anyone withbroken chains freedom requires complete honesty support andconnection to strength greater than ours
Some say relapse is inevitable No but it is common We return toold destructive habits when we have not permanently structuredour goals around something more meaningful I relapsed with myeating disorder with a long list of excuses My health coachreminds me to see recovery as an investment in what I want toachieve
Ultimately it is finding and living in purpose that brings joy Withwhat will we fill your lives so our obsessions no longer have roomin our heads
Surrender
I mentioned to a woman with a secular belief system that it is aprivilege to be used by God Her negative reaction makes sensebecause my word choice ldquoused byrdquo was skewed
It is fairer to say I am one of Godrsquos volunteers among many Noneof us have had our will removed By faith and experience we knowhis ways are best The more we grasp that the more we want to dofor him Herersquos the clincher we love him because he loves us Yesit is a privilege and source of joy when the Difference Maker worksthrough us to help others in some way
Surrender comes with the understanding that God has more than
123
single personrsquos best interests in mind In that regard he asks usto extend his mercy love and truth when we might rather sit athome in comfort
Should we say yes we will find he is working everything out forour good too In his will (as discussed in chapter 2) weexperience deep satisfaction As always the Difference Makerrsquosapproach is more profound and effective than the worldrsquos wisestphilosophies⁵∙⁵
The complete Serenity Prayer famous for the shortened versionused in 12-step groups points to such surrender
God grant me the SerenityTo accept the things I cannot changeCourage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the differenceLiving one day at a time
Enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardship
As the pathway to peaceTaking as He did
This sinful world as it is Not as I would have itTrusting that He will Make all things right
If I surrender to His willThat I may be
Reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him
In the next Amen
124
125
But God
Accounts throughout the Bible of Gods interactions with humansprove he is the Highest Power At the end of their resourcespeople saw God change everything
The entire earth flooded But God remembered Noah ⁶
Jacobrsquos boss cheated him ldquoBut God has seen your abuserdquo ⁷
Josephrsquos brothers sold him ldquohellipbut God intended it for goodrdquo ⁸
King Saul hunted him down hellipbut God [helped him escape]⁹
People tried to kill Paul But God has protected me sup1⁰
Epaphroditus was ill and almost died But God had mercy onhimsup1sup1
Jesus was nailed to a cross But God raised him from the dead sup1sup2
We are lost for eternity But God demonstrates his own lovehellipsup1sup3
Apostles hadhellip fears within ldquoBut Godhellip comforted usrdquosup1⁴
Helplessness is not always a fact it is a belief Through JeremiahGod said ldquoIf you wanted to return to me you could You couldthrow away your detestable idols andstray away no morerdquosup1⁵ He knowshow much power is available to us ifwe will ask
126
Surrender to the will of God is ultimately the cure to compulsiveaddictive behaviors That does not mean it is easy nor does itguarantee no relapses Jesus said ldquoIt is not the healthy who needa doctor but the sickldquosup1⁶ He is our healer perhaps we do well tofollow his prescription
Let us remember together whatever condition we are in howeverdeeply we are stuck in perceived dependency we do not actuallyneed the person activity substance or compulsion we are focusedon to survive or thrive Our dependence is but a perception Wecan depend on and trust the Highest Power
Whom have I in heaven but youAnd earth has nothing I desire besides you
My flesh and my heart may failbut God is the strength of my heart
and my portion foreversup1⁷
ldquoBut Godhelliprdquo
Recommended
The Life Recovery Bible is special It is the Holy Bible in its entirety with sidebars relating specific scriptures to
recovery These address emotional issues trauma support and much more In addition the Life Recovery
Journal takes the reader through the 12-step process
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Please keep me from deliberate
sins Donrsquot let them control me
Then I will be free of guilt and
innocent of great sin
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you O LORD my
Rock and my Redeemer
Psalm 1913-14
128
128
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsessionTake this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a
dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
Practical Exercise 9 Now What
Spell it out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write outall it has stolen and what freedom will bring This is about you notcasting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praise andgratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is to a realGod who will not only see what you write but who knows your heart
Write a letter (or letters) to yourperceived dependency Do not mail it ifit is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Rome isdirectly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them I highlyurge you to take it in
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
129
Next find a strong
support system
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over time whois healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability to hold yourconfidences Watch them with other people Choose friends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who have seen yourstruggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
130
10Fear
Fear leads to depressive thinking when we give it authority Fear
develops under a threat real or perceived to our wellbeing or thewellbeing of another person
As a mere emotion fear is not a sign of weak character nor does itsignal failure of faith The bravest people are those who feel fearand face it even in small ways Courage is measured by genuineeffort not success or the size of payout Baby steps toward facing
or overcoming any fear are indeed applaudable steps
Some thoughts I promised to attend the meeting but since Irsquoll make a fool of myself Irsquom not going There is no way to know if I can stay safe I do not like people different from me Things are going to get worse Irsquom sure he hates me
131
Not every courageous person looks like one
Examples of couragebull Elderly people venturing out despite impatient drivers and
ridiculous younger people talking down to thembull Children returning to the same school each day where they are
taunted or bulliedbull Families of faith around the world persecuted by authoritiesbull People in suicidal despair reconnecting with living
bull Those living with disabilitybull Those going to work with anxiety migraines fatiguehellipbull Women who leave abusive homes and often face judgmentbull The caretaker of elderly parentsAnd the inspirational list goes onhellip
Facing fear is a choice that mimics the life of our Saviorsup1 Heloved (far) beyond his comfort zone The author of Hebrewswrote rdquoConsider him who endured such opposition from sinnersso that you will not grow weary and lose heartrdquosup2
132
God chooses unlikely heroes
Abigail⁵ was beautiful and intelligent Marriedwhether by choice or arrangement we do not knowher role was to manage her wealthy household withits many servants and obligations serve herhusband Nabal and presumably have his children
Nabal wise in his own eyes and not in many otherswell lived up to his name which meant fool Filledwith greed his harsh demeanor in business and athome proved his self-centeredness No doubt heenjoyed his meanness and the fear of those aroundhim
He
adds
ldquoI am
with
yourdquo
and
stays
God does not whip out a chill ldquodonrsquot be afraidrdquo anddisappearsup3 He adds ldquoI am with yourdquo⁴ and staysBrave people learn from their less-than-bravemistakes (we have all done them) With him at ourside we move forward following the DifferenceMakerrsquos plan for overcoming fear
In those days (about 1100 BC) sheep and goats were money andoften stolen Soon to be king warrior David was on the run fromhis insanely jealous father-in-law King Saul David and his armyof six-hundred men earned what they needed to survive byprotecting the livestock of various towns and farms
It was customary and expected for wealthy landowners to offerprovisions to such protectors Nonetheless when David sent themessage to Nabal ldquoPlease give your servants whatever you canfind for themrdquo only insults were returned
David was ready to end such insolence and with 400 armed menheaded for Nabalrsquos home to kill him and all the males who livedthere
A shepherd ran to Abigail to report this He said ldquoNabal is such awicked man that no one can talk to him Please do what you canrdquo
133
Abigail quickly loaded donkeyswith meat bread wine grainraisins and pressed figs Servantsdelivered them to David
Going against her churlishhusbandrsquos wishes certainly wouldhave brought down his wrath hadshe been caught She risked her
life by confronting angry warriors intent on revenge
David responded to her pleas for mercy thanking her He saidldquoPraise be to the LORD the God of Israel who has sent you today
134
to meet me May you be blessed for your good judgment and forkeeping me from bloodshed this dayrdquo
As an unlikely hero Abigail saved an unknown number of livesThe brave shepherd who informed her shared in the heroism Thenext day when she told Nabal of the drama his heart failed himand he died
God specializes in choosing unlikely people for courageous deedsA few examples among many include an orphan girl-turned queenwho saved her nation (Book of Esther) a child who spoke hardtruth to power (1 Samuel 3) a young slave girl who approached aprincess (Exodus 21-10) and uneducated fishermen who broughtthe gospel to the world though they lost their lives over it(Matthew 418-22)
Despite initial misgivings these people had to decide what kind ofperson they wanted to be One way to face our fears is to answerthe same question
Consider the life and mission of each of the following people Howdo you think they answered the question What kind of person do Iwant to be
Will I risk everything Hee Jinrsquos Grandmother in North KoreaWill I choose life Nick VujicicWill I hold out Irena SendlerWill I let go Elisabeth ElliotWho do I want to face in the mirror tomorrow Dobri DobrevHow will I respond to my greatest regret Victoria RobinsonWill my legacy point to life Jason ReidWill my example set a helpful precedent Marie Meggs
135
Will I believe what I cannot yet see Jo Ann RobinsonWill I keep my eyes on things of Heaven instead of on things ofearth Jessie TendayiWill I come back to God and ask for help when I fail miserablyJim Wahlberg
ldquoWe are having a physical experience in a spiritual worldrdquo ndash Author unknown
Satan distorts and disrupts the truth in attempts to steer us fromGod Human experience is a catalyst for such trickery becausewhat we see and feel seems more real than an invisible God Is heinconceivable though
His power is evidenced in nature⁶ His love has redeemedcountless lives Millions testify to his personal presence We seeGodrsquos promises always come to pass whether spoken throughprophets or other scriptures⁷ We witness his sovereigntythroughout history
Stout faith lets go of control and chooses to obey the proven Godwho shows himself real only to those with the spiritual eyes tosee⁸ In his wisdom he made it impossible for science or
The Difference Maker offers safety in his shelter
philosophy to prove his existence to closedminds⁹ Although faith is not blind it is notsight eithersup1⁰ Faith is the evidence of whatwe do not seesup1sup1
Godrsquos shelter unlike an umbrella or a treenever fails
Towers in fortressed cities ofbiblical times provided safetywhen enemies attacked In ourspiritual battles Godrsquos shelter isthe hiding place
The key is to stay there Psalm 91says to live in his shelter - spendour time there Then he hides usin his shadow as if we were in atower of refuge
This Psalm also tells us what wedo not have to fear
1 Satanrsquos bait setting plot trap (The fowlerrsquos snare)
2 Pandemic disease (Deadly pestilence)3 Dread and the object of dread (Terror of night)4 Seemingly random attacks or dangers coming from
all around deeply personal attacks (Arrows fly by day)5 Disease pandemic that walks about in trouble and in
spiritual unreceptiveness (Pestilence stalking in the dark)6 Destruction coming from violence and devastation in
the middle of the day or in the bright of happiness(Plague that destroys at midday)
7 Wicked people (Lion)8 The Devil (Serpent)
In distress of any kind he rescues us or arms us for the battleWhat is left to fear If God is for us who can be against ussup1sup2
136
We still want to hide from time to time Aloneness is notintrinsically unhealthy Jesus taught But when you prayhellipshutthe door behind youhellipsup1sup3
It is the fear that locks us in that paralyzes the life we wantRemember the Difference Maker sets us up with everything weneed for faith courage and victory In all circumstances we candeclare as King Solomon did ldquoThe name of the LORD is a fortifiedtower the righteous run to it and are saferdquosup1⁴
ldquoFinally be strong in the Lord and in hismighty power Put on the full armor ofGodhelliprdquosup1⁵
Paul used a symbolic reference thepeople of his day would haveunderstood the armor of a Romansoldier Comparing physical war tospiritual ones he first describes whywearing Godrsquos armor is necessary
One our struggle is not against peoplebut against the devil and his spiritualforces of evil Two when we are harassedfor our faith we will resist and standsup1⁶
Wearing Godrsquos armor is a decision wemake each day in faith bearing in mindthe vital meaning of each piece
The Difference Maker offers safety in his armor
137
The Belt of Truth ldquoStand firm then with the beltof truth buckled around your waistrdquo The belt of aRoman soldierrsquos armor was more like a girdle andheld up the breastplate
What is truth Jesus said ldquoIf you hold to myteaching you are really my disciples Then you willknow the truth and the truth will set you freerdquosup1⁷Absolute truth does not change and awareness of itprotects us from lies that cause fear
The Breastplate of Righteousness ldquohellipwith thebreastplate of righteousness in placerdquo The Romansoldierrsquos breastplate held in place only once it wasupheld by the belt
What is righteousness Thinking and acting inways that honor God based on his instructionsthese are righteousness However no human effortalone measures up to Godrsquos holiness
Truth upholds our righteousness as it grows in alife with Christ His righteousness leads our wayinto Godrsquos favor There is no fear of punishment ifour faith is sincerely in the Saviorsup1⁸
Feet Fitted with Readiness ldquohellipand with yourfeet fitted with the readiness that comes from thegospel of peacerdquo Spikes covered the bottom ofRoman soldiersrsquo footwear for climbing over roughterrain and for digging into the earth keepingthem steadfast in hand-to-hand combat
138
What is the gospel of peace and how does it make us ready Thegospel is the good news of Jesus the Messiahsup1⁹ While we arealive there is work to finish Readiness to carry this gospel toothers is part of our victory over fear sup2⁰
Shield of Faith ldquoIn addition to all this take upthe shield of faith with which you can extinguishall the flaming arrows of the evil onerdquo A Romansoldier carried a large oblong four-corneredshield covering much of his body
What is faith It is more than believing in GodEven demons believe in God and shuddersup2sup1Faith is pure trust and confidence that Godmeans what he sayssup2sup2
Jesus said faith is like a tiny mustard seed whichbecomes the largest tree in the gardensup2sup3Pastors teachers the Holy Spirit and personalstudy water and feed the seed Nurturing ourfaith is our responsibility that in time surpassesfear
Helmet of Salvation ldquoTake the helmet ofsalvationrdquo Roman soldiers wore a unique helmetprotecting the top and sides of their head Somehelmets also protected the back of the neck
What is salvation Not only is it rescue from awasted life in the present and an erasure ofeternal damnation but the helmet is also theanticipation of the day we are ushered into
139
heavensup2⁴ Keeping our eyes on the reward this helmet protects
us from turning from the faith due to discouragement doubtand fear
a spectacular display of arrogance and deception The battle ofwords was close-up personal and relentless Each time the devilused his wiles the Son of God expertly wielded his swordsup2⁵
In the heat of temptation aimed straight at our weakest pointsskill at using Godrsquos Word boosts our triumph over fear sup2⁶
Prayer ldquoAnd pray in the Spirit on alloccasions with all kinds of prayers and requestsrdquoRoman soldiers needed supplies stamina andfood and water
What is prayer Jesus gave an examplesup2⁷ thatgoes something like this ldquoOur Father in heavenlet your name be treated with reverence Let your
Sword of the Spirit ldquohellipand the sword of theSpirit which is the word of Godrdquo Roman soldierspossessed three sharp weapons a dagger-sized shortsword a spear and a long sword Paul used the shortsword for his comparison to the Word of God
Why a small weapon Satan tempted Jesus in
kingdom come let your will be done on earth as it is in heavenGive us this day our bread for tomorrow and forgive us ourdebts as we also have forgiven our debtors Lead us not intotemptation but deliver us from the evil one for yours is thekingdom and the power and the glory forever Amenrdquo
140
This prayer acknowledges God makes various requests yields to his will and in faith believes all is possible because he is God
and wear his armor daily we will stand with the brave who say Itis scary out there and the Difference Maker goes with me
Godrsquos armor is not intended as a shell to crawlinside Neither is his shelter a place to isolatefrom the world
Fear is fed by our focus When the daycomes that we learn to rest in Godrsquos shelter
141
Prayer to the Difference Maker
When I am hard pressed I cry
to you Lord You bring me into
a spacious place You Lord are
with me I will not be afraid
Based on Psalm 1185-6
143
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in yourpocket Feel it when anxieties and otherpressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
Practical Exercise 10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions andimpulsive thoughts or prevents them fromrising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can behelpful to avoid anxiety attacks or panic orto use during anxiety and panic attacks
143
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing reminders thathe is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics will inspireyou God Will Make a Way
By a roadway in the wilderness Hell lead meAnd rivers in the desert will I seeHeaven and Earth will fade But His word will still remainAnd He will do something new todayGod will make a wayWhere there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot seeHe will make a way for meHe will be my guideHold me closely to His sideWith love and strength for each new dayHe will make a way He will make a way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in apublic place with little opportunity to walk awaypractice sign language or write the names of peopleyou care about in the air discreetly below your waistFiddle with anything that requires your full attentionlike word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worrylater Keep a notebook and pen handy Thenext time anxiety is triggered or could bewrite the concern down and lay it aside Set adate or time to address the issue perhapswith a safe person
144
Next Retrain your thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
145
Now may the God of peace
who through the blood of the
eternal covenant brought back
from the dead our Lord Jesus that
great Shepherd of the sheep equip
you with everything good for doing
his will and may he work in
us what is pleasing to
him through Jesus Christ to
whom be glory for ever and ever
Amen
APPENDIX
147
Terms page 148
A Word About Medication page 149
Bible References page 152
Photos and Other Credits page 155
Collection of Chapter Exercises plus BONUS Exercises page 159
Blank Pages for Notes page 182
Terms - Links
BibleGodrsquos Word
Christ Jesus Christ Christ Jesus
Christian
The Difference Maker= God
Faith
Fear of God
Holy
Jesus
Original languages used to write the Bible
Types of mental health professionals
Repentance
Resurrection
Righteousness
Sin
Trinity
148
An ongoing debate in faith arenas over the use of medications for
mental health particularly depression and anxiety leavesconfusion in its wake Myths about this type of medical therapyabound
Myth 1 Medications cover up spiritual problems Thesedrugs do not create happiness They cannot force introspectionrelief from guilt or wisdom on a person any more than insulinprevents someone with diabetes from eating a candy bar
If behaviors and circumstances that helped to create a mentalhealth need do not change the problem may persist No pill willcorrect poor thinking permanently erase memories of trauma endabuse or change a sinful heart
Medications prepare a brain to function as intended Once stablethe patient can choose to learn wisdom and pursue God or not
Myth 2 Mental illness is a myth No All mental illnesses aredisorders In other words something is wrong with a personrsquosability to function normally due to mental processing Medicationis often necessary to save a life Many chronicled symptoms giveprofessionals an excellent idea of how to diagnose mental illness
Everyone experiences down days massive grief and even
149
A Word About Medication
depressive thoughts It becomes a disorder when a person cannotfunction normally keep healthy relationships or overcome theseemotions
Myth 3 All psychiatrists do is throw pills at youPsychiatrists are medical doctors and specialists It is their job toprescribe medication based on revealed symptoms Appointmentsare typically about 15 minutes Very few offer talk therapy (whereaspsychologists generally do)
A psychiatrist may recommend hospitalization or insist a clientmove to a higher level of care such as to an IOP (IntensiveOutpatient Program) These are professional therapeutic programsthat occur throughout the week in half or full days
Myth 4 Psychiatric medications do not work It is true
150
sometimes they do not Six reasons for this have nothing to dowith the medications themselves
A A patient does not take the medication as prescribed or isnoncompliant and refuses itB A patient refuses recommended co-treatments such as talktherapyC The patient quits too soon Unfortunately it may take weeksand even months to discover the one that works best for aspecific person Dosages may also need readjustmentsD The patient is unable to convey symptoms clearlyPrescriptions based on incomplete information will likely be lesseffectiveE Affordability lack of insurance parity interference fromfamily members and more may disrupt proper treatmentcreating any of the above issues
ldquoJesus is the only one with perfect brain chemistry and nopsychological issues Every other human has somepsychological dysfunctionhellipPsychological Science is simplyunderstanding how God designed our mind to work and thenlearning how to maximally steward our mind for His glory andour fulfillment in Himrdquo
F Misdiagnosis by a doctor This is especially a problem whennon-psychiatric doctors prescribe psychiatric medications
Myth 5 Medications hurt people Safety may be compromisedif medication is not taken as prescribed The wrong medication toocan adversely affect a person Rumors about how often this occursare exaggerated
For most people a combination of medication and talk therapy hasproven most effective For those who receive professionaltreatment 80 go on to live more satisfying lives
If medication corrects brain dysfunction and allows one to developa richer life with Christ (and it has for me) then using medicationis good stewardship of onersquos capabilities Some takeaways from themission statement of Lighthouse Network agree
151
For a deeper look at therapy and medicationsfrom a Christian point of view go to Is It Ok for aChristian to Take Anti-depressants
Chapter
1 The Difference Maker
2 Self-doubt
3 Toxic Shame
4 Self=loathing
Bible References
152
sup1Exodus 1414 sup2Matthew 1128-29 sup3Romans 122 ⁴James 117 ⁵1 John 15 ⁶John 87⁷Romans 623 ⁸2 Thessalonians 17-10 ⁹Ephesians 24-9 NIVsup1⁰Romans 810-18 sup1sup1Psalm 2911 sup1sup2Ephesians 3 14-19
sup1Proverbs 46 -7 sup1∙⁵2 Samuel 111-1225 sup2Psalm 139 23-24sup31 Kings 39 ⁴ Hebrews 511-14niv ⁵Psalm 328niv⁶2 Timothy 316 ⁷2 Peter 120-21 ⁸2 Timothy 316-17niv⁹Mark 1224 sup1⁰1 Corinthians 1433nkjv sup1sup1Hebrews 116sup1sup2 2 Corinthians 317-18 sup1sup3Matthew 633 sup1⁴James15-7sup1⁵Psalm 4610 sup1⁶Deuteronomy 323-4 sup1⁷Exodus 314
sup1Genesis 127 sup2Psalm 84-6 sup3Isaiah 558 ⁴James 39-11 ⁵Ephesians 210 ⁶Psalm 13913⁷2 Corinthians 517 ⁸ Lamentations 322-23 ⁹1 John 31
sup1⁰James 223 sup1sup1 John 1515 sup1sup2Psalm 2710sup1sup3John 10 27-30 sup1⁴2 Corinthians 128-10
sup1Luke 2342-44 sup2 Psalms 34 sup3Micah 718-19 ⁴ Ephesians 317-19 ⁵Psalm 10311-12 ⁶ Psalm 4421⁷Psalm 10314 ⁸ Proverbs 37-8 ⁹Matthew 523-24sup1⁰Luke 2334 sup1sup1Acts 759-60 sup1sup1∙⁵Acts 81sup1sup2Acts 83 sup1sup3 Acts 2022-24 sup1⁴ Philippians 35-14 sup1⁵Psalm 345 sup1⁶2 Corinthians 1314
sup1Exodus 341014 sup2James 316 sup3Proverbs 1430 ⁴Philippians 23-11 ⁵Matthew 2128-32 ⁶Philippians 212-14⁷1 Corinthians 134-8niv ⁸Romans 1215 ⁹Jeremiah 923-25sup1⁰1 John 215-16 sup1sup1Titus 33-5
Chapter
5 Extreme Conclusions
6 Hopeless
7 Jealousy and Envy
153
sup1Matthew 71 sup2Matthew 2537-40 sup3Luke 311⁴Matthew 547niv ⁵Matthew 543-44 ⁶Matthew 712⁷Luke 1030-37 ⁸Numbers 1911-16niv and Leviticus 211-4 10-12niv⁹ 1 Corinthians 1312 sup1⁰Matthew 73-5 sup1⁰∙⁵Luke 1135-36sup1sup1Matthew 1916-26 sup1sup2Matthew 624 sup1sup3Isaiah 714sup1⁴John 11sup1⁵ Verses 4 23 Throughout his ministry people had trouble giving up old beliefs andfully grasping what Jesus was saying In John 11 we see him telling his disciples thatLazarusrsquo illness will not result in death that this situation will bring glory to God (likethe healing of the man born blind which they witnessed John 9) He informs Martha thatLazarus will be raised by him (In the original language the word used when he saysldquoLazarus will liverdquo means raised from a lying down position- raised from the dead)
sup1⁶ Verses 3328 Some traditional versions say Jesus was deeply moved or troubled
Jesus was agitated or angry wanting to instruct everyone and perhaps restrain thefaithless talk around him He waited and instead allowed his prayer and the results tospeak for themselvessup1⁷Psalm 11996 sup1⁸1 Samuel 167 sup1⁹ Mark 1427-31sup2⁰ Mark 14 66-72 sup2sup1John 201-10 sup2sup2 John 211-19sup2sup3Acts 413 sup2⁴2 Corinthians 47 sup2⁵James 116-18
sup1Isaiah 4318-19 niv sup2Psalm 3418 sup3Psalm 1213⁴Genesis 1611-13 ⁴∙⁵ Job 395-8 ⁵Nehemiah 919-20⁶Psalm 119140 ⁷Psalm 1361-3 ⁸Psalm 1437-8⁹Ruth 11-22 and 413-17 sup1⁰Psalm 3121-23 sup1sup12 Corinthians 75-7sup1sup22 Kings 1819 sup1sup31 Kings 1819 sup1⁴Psalm 1391-12sup1⁵Matthew 1029 sup1⁶Proverbs 1410 sup1⁷Proverbs 1320sup1⁸ Book of Job sup1⁹Job 427-9 sup2⁰Psalm 119130
sup1Proverbs 149-10 sup21 John 18 sup3 Isaiah 59 1 2
⁴ Proverbs 193 ⁵James 113 ⁶James 114-15
⁷ Hebrews 1210 ⁸Proverbs 311-12 ⁹Proverbs 1721
sup1⁰ Proverbs 2210 sup1sup1Exodus 201-17 sup1sup2Mark 1228-31
sup1sup3Romans 139-10niv sup1⁴Matthew 53-10 sup1⁵Psalm 411
sup1⁶Matthew 116 ESV sup1⁷Psalm 321-2 sup1⁸Psalm 1465sup1⁹John 151-5 sup2⁰ Romans 81 sup2sup12 Peter 13-9sup2sup2Proverbs 1130
sup2sup3Ephesians 51-20 Galatians 522-23 Proverbs 1031
sup2⁴1 Corinthians 924-25 sup2⁵James 112 sup2⁶Philippians 314
154
Chapter
8 Destructive Blame
9 Perceived Dependency
sup1 Isaiah 4420 sup1∙⁵ Matthew 1921nlt sup2 John 717sup3 John 824 ⁴ John 831-32 ⁵Matthew 2337⁵∙⁵1 Corinthians 120 ⁶Genesis 81 ⁷Genesis 3142⁸Genesis 5020 ⁹1 Samuel 2314 sup1⁰Acts 2622sup1sup1Philippians 227 sup1sup2Acts 224niv sup1sup3Romans 58nivsup1⁴2 Corinthians 75-7niv sup1⁵Jeremiah 41 sup1⁶Mark 217sup1⁷Psalm 7325-26niv
10 Fear
sup1Hebrews 122 sup2Hebrews 123 sup3Matthew 281-10 ⁴Matthew 2820 ⁵1 Samuel 251-38 ⁶ Romans 120 ⁷1 Kings 856-57 ⁸1 Corinthians 210-16 ⁹1 Corinthians 121sup1⁰2 Corinthians 57 sup1sup1Hebrews 111 sup1sup2Romans 831sup1sup3Matthew 66 sup1⁴ Proverbs 1810 sup1⁵Ephesians 61011sup1⁶Ephesians 611-13 sup1⁷ John 831-32 sup1⁸Romans 81-16sup1⁹Ephesians 51 sup2⁰ 2 Corinthians 518-19 sup2sup1James 219sup2sup2Romans 1017 sup2sup3 Matthew 1331-32sup2⁴1 Thessalonians 58-9 sup2⁵Matthew 41-11 sup2⁶Hebrews 512-14 sup2⁷Matthew 69-13
Chapter
1
2
3
4
Photos and Other Credits
Face in the mirror page 40 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped Artist page 44 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Church page 28 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJames Ryan quote page 31 from The National Association for Christian Recovery Four Kinds of Moral Inventory httpswwwnacrorgcenter-for-12-step-recoveryfour-kinds-of-moral-inventoryGirl praying page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NDcropped and manipulatedWriting hand page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredOxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes page 32httpsindianriveraaorgPDFTHE20FOUR20ABSOLUTESpdfScottish Proverb page 32 Confession Is Good For The Soul - Christian Devotions for Daily Living - DevotionscomCross page 32 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped
155
Man with net page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC rock overlaidRock page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCGirl page 14 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Billy Graham quote page 16 from Video Billy Graham httpswwwfacebookcomryanthompson100videos10158050555419605UzpfSTEyOTE4OTc5NDU6MTAyMTY5MTQzNDAwMzI3MTkFlame page 17 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC manipulated Jar page 26 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND
Chapter
5
6
156
Train page 49 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredTrain page 50 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredWounded man scene page 52 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND cropped recolored manipulatedCamel page 54 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYSAAbout Sadducee beliefs page 54 Camels Needles and the Question of Money retrieved on November 5 2020 from httpsallofitagainwordpresscom20170518camels-needles-and-the-question-of-money-colinTrain page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYN recoloredCurved path page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recoloredLazarusrsquo feet page 58 freebibleimagescomTrain tracks page 59 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCrecoloredTrain page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredExam paper page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredRooster page 61 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Jesus page 74 freebibleimagescomArahant Mental Wellness page 76 Treating Depression with TMS Aimed at the Brainrsquos Prefrontal Cortex httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortex Healthline page 76 The Effects of Depression on the Brain What Is Depression httpswwwhealthlinecomhealthdepressioneffects-brainHow-Can-Treatment-Change-the-Brain Figure 1 Page 76 httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortexEric W Dolan page 76 In depressed people the medial prefrontal cortex exerts more control over other parts of the brain Psypostcom Mental Health June 19 2017 httpswwwpsypostorg201706depressed-people-medial-prefrontal-cortex-exerts-control-parts-brainSemicolon tattoo page 81 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredProject Semicolon page 81 httpswwwfacebookcomprojectsemicolonMug page 82 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDrecolored
Jealousy and envy sisters page 92 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped manipulated recoloredHeart page 94 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredJesus and man page 96 freebibleimagescom recoloredWeeds page 98 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recolored
Necklace page 82 from httpswwwamazoncomproject-semicolon-jewelrysk=project+semicolon+jewelryPage 83 Black leprosy also called elephantiasis because the skin begins to look like elephant skin Jobs Disease By Louis Rushmorehttpswwwgospelgazettecomgazette2005janpage15htmJob and friends page 84 freeBibleimagescomGirl and woman page 86 This Photo by Unknown Author licensed under CC BY-NDWarning Signs of Suicide page 87 httpswwwnimhnihgovhealthtopicssuicide-preventionindexshtmlpart_153177Stairs page 91 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped and manipulated recolored
Chapter
6 continued
7
8
157
Boater and swimmer page 102 These Photos by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recolored ndash 2 pictures together both under same license Greek Olympics page 109 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredPower and Control Wheel page 111 from httpswwwtheagapecafecomFishing pole page 113 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredCouples page 115 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDand This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Chapter
9
10
158
Girl page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC cropped recoloredFloating money page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCrecolored croppedDice page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY 20 recolored croppedAshes page 120 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJesus and people page 122 freeBibleimagescomCaptain American cover page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredCaptain America Shield page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredSerenity Prayer photo page 124 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYCartoon man with weights page 125 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredSupport Group scene page 130 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND cropped recolored
Donkey page 133 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAUmbrella Woman page 135 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCWoman in shadows page 136 freeBibleimagescomArmor page 137This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCBreastplate page 138This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDBelt page 138 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDShield page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAHelmet page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCSword page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCPraying hands page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDTurtle page 141 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCLeaf page 143 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCRubiks cube page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SACalendar page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC
Collection of the Chapter Exercises
Plus Bonus Exercises
159
1 Make the Thought Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use anap even though a minute earlier you were not tired This is atype of thought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bedthe visual automatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom whereand why of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take thetime to complete the following exercise (for each thought habit)and you will be surprised at the worthwhile outcome
1 What consistent triggering event and response doyou experience
________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
_________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
160
3 What is your thought-habit
_____________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_____________________________________________(Example l feel content)
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchange your triggerrsquosassociation from gloomy to what generally rightens your mood
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with things you love move thebed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularly for foot rubs sayingprayers or texting jokes to your friends
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of the space with openblinds worship music or a self-starting coffee maker (Avoidtexts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
_________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
161
7 What action will you take next time this triggeringevent occurs
________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts Episodes ofdepression anxiety or other mental health challenges may followa pattern or cycle
BONUS EXERCISE Exchange News and Social Media for Books and Face-to-face Conversation
A sense of aloneness and anxiety might come from a lack of eye-to-eye contact and conversation and an overload of news reports
Especially before going to bed turn off all the negativity and pickup a good book During the day make plans with a friend to visitover coffee even if you must be socially distanced
Do this for two weeks and you will feel the results
2 Use Pros and Cons for Good Judgment
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible orask a mature follower of Christ to see if there is already ananswer given Step three Be brutally honest with all the pros andcons of your options
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
162
Remember Who Has All the Answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottle wherever it will catch somelight Keep it open and have slips of paper and pen available
Write down your unanswered questions doubts about yourselfand any other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside the jar is a great problemsurrounded by shadows and light By faith we can accept that wedo not see all or have all the answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimes shoot out of your jar Thisrepresents the endless wisdom and love of God to which we caneach cling Somehow good is going to come of what we do notunderstand
163
BONUS EXERCISE Sleep Hygiene for a Healthy BrainFrom adaaorg
bullKeep a regular sleep schedule Go to bed around the same timeeach nightbullDo not eat a heavy late mealbullWatch TV in a room other than your bedroombullTurn the TV off 30 minutes before bedtimebullPut down the electronics 30 minutes before bedtime The screeneven on dim mode can still be stimulating to the brain via theeyes
3 Examine the Evidence for Shame
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes to one of thequestions on the left you have a newday in the court of your mind Checkout the corresponding links on theright
164
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Secure Your Release From Toxic Shame
165
BONUS EXERCISE Incorporate Self-care
From successcom
Self-care is different for each person Examples of self-careinclude making a healthy smoothie before work going for a longwalk at lunch spending time laughing with your spouse beforebed going on an adventure drive relaxing at the beach calling afriend or taking a long bubble bath The type of self-care doesnrsquotmatter as much as the effect It should make you feel like yoursquoretaking care of yourself in a way that combats toxic shame self-loathing anxiety depression and stress Carve 20 minutes intoyour day for self-care
4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a gamesomething with a little challenge in it to help make a thoughtexchange So I made one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automaticallyspeak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourselfnames Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friend
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might make youcringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
BONUS EXERCISE Write Your Biography
Write stories from your life using only positive descriptive wordsabout yourself It doesnrsquot have to seem true at first Keep at it
166
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look aboutyou and write down all you have accomplished in the last 24hours (You read this page right That is one) No matter howsmall you think the accomplishment it is evidence to the contraryof never do anything right
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved onesto marketers to abusers messages given us as children and oldercan come from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable ofrealistic insight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged falsenegative core beliefs of their own Are they suggestible andreactionary with their emotions Are they knowledgeable andwise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
BONUS EXERCISE Mirror Mirror
Look yourself in the eye and say ldquoI am loved I am lovablerdquoRepeat
167
Test Messages and Messengers
5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
168
Keep
working
169
Know When to Say Yes for a Most-fulfilling Life
Knowing what is of utmost importance to you will help preventmisdirected drive
1 Take time to list all your current obligations This will includefamily friends job financial expenditures physical healthmental health spiritual goals what God has asked of you andanything that you must finish
2 Look realistically at the above Is there anything that does notfit within your daily availability finances emotional energy orphysical capabilities
3 Is there anything you can remove from this list Ask for Godrsquoswisdom
What remains are yesses With rare exceptions everything else isa no Each time you agree to secondary activities expenses orobligations you are trading-in and saying no to something (orsomeone) you more highly value
BONUS EXERCISE Have a Routine
Sometimes when emotions run our decision-making we needsomething stable to help us stay on track with what it is we want
On your calendar mark a morning routine and a bedtimeroutine Set alarms on your phone for meals and meds Schedulefree time so your calendar does not own you
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have theenergy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeuticEven baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make yourown
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list Play music Set the table Take a shower Sit with the family Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today Go for a walk with a person or your dog Eat a healthy meal Attend participate in a support group Paint a picture or put a puzzle together Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Lower Your Stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
6 When You Feel Hopeless Live a Little
170
Allow Hope
Think about your values as a guide Write down what is importantto you and keep the list where you can see it Each day after youhave a choice stick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family
I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
BONUS EXERCISE Prevention
Lack of motivation and finding no pleasure in pleasurable activitiesare two of the classic symptoms doctors look for to diagnosedepression An enjoyable activity serves a preventative role
Make a 9rdquo x 9rdquo paper circle List around the circle activities youenjoy and activities you want to try Ring a paper clip over a penciland plant the pencil in the middle of your circle Spin the paper clipThe activity it points to is what you do for this day Another circlewith names can select whom to invite to join in the activity
171
172
ExampleThought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social eventlearn to be a good friend Reach out to her inkindness
Do something of value to earn respect speakkind words to and about him work on honestways to improve your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thankGod those people are comfortable and nothungry or cold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to goout with your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
7 Act Opposite
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Do the Amazing
What if you did something so shocking it amazes even youWhat if you went so counter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things If you will do it this challenge will shake yourworld and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it moreor to a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the Script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarrantedcriticism it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of runningwoulda-if-only on a loop how about making the situation into agame
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
173
8 Find Harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time
to study their companion and without criticism show appreciationfor the good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God forwhat you have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blamepay attention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize that everyone including yourselfhas made mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive asmuch as God has forgiven you
174
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stopping another person (we have nocontrol over them) Boundaries are about what we allow into ourcircle
Do the following exercise then create your own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leaveresponsibility for his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for theconsequences of losing them
What about a situation in your life
Draw a Circle Around Yourself
175
176
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsession
Take this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool
httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
9 Now What
Spell It Out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write out all it has stolen andwhat freedom will bring This is about you not casting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praiseand gratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is toa real God who will not only see what you write but who knowsyour heart
Write a letter (or letters) to your perceived dependency Do notmail it if it is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Romeis directly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
177
Find a Strong Support System
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over timewho is healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability tohold your confidences Watch them with other people Choosefriends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who haveseen your struggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
178
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in your pocket Feel it whenanxieties and other pressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions and impulsive thoughts orprevents them from rising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can be helpful to avoid anxietyattacks or panic or to use during anxiety and panic attacks
179
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing remindersthat he is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics willinspire you God Will Make a Way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in a public placewith little opportunity to walk away practice sign language orwrite the names of people you care about in the air discreetlybelow your waist Fiddle with anything that requires your fullattention like word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worry later Keep anotebook and pen handy The next time anxiety is triggered orcould be write the concern down and lay it aside Set a date ortime to address the issue perhaps with a safe person
BONUS Keep Your Mind Busy With Purpose
180
For ideas about purposeful activities and meaningfulrelationships during pandemic isolation see my free e-bookStay at Home and Thrive
Retrain Your Thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
181
182
Notes
hope and firm ground in which to stake our trust
Because of his love for each of us he made a way to spend foreverwith us He is holy without any deceit or darkness at all⁵ We arenot as we all know⁶ To permit our guilt (deceit darkness) intohis holy presence he had to make a sacrifice
Instead of compromising his holy nature he provided a holy (nodeceit no darkness) gift that we can choose or refuse One day wewill all stand before God with or without his gift When we cometo him bearing this gift we will be ushered into his heaven⁷ Thenews is dreadful for those who do not have the gift with them⁸
The gift is free salvation offered by Godrsquos grace through faith inhis Son Jesus⁹ It is by accepting this gift that we become Godrsquoschildren and heirs to everything in his kingdomsup1⁰
We have this wonderful future with God to anticipate yet he iswith us now He has sent his Spirit the Holy Spirit (again nodeceit no darkness) to teach us and to touch us emotionally withspiritual truth
One of the best gifts we can open today is Godrsquos peace ldquoThe Lordgives his people strength the Lord blesses them with peacerdquosup1sup1Peace is our new state of being as we learn to apply his truththrough his processes
Paul said it best when he wrote the following
When I think of all this I fall to my knees and pray to theFather the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth Ipray that from his glorious unlimited resources he willempower you with inner strength through his Spirit Then
8
Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in himYour roots will grow down into Godrsquos love and keep youstrong
And may you have the power to understand as all Godrsquospeople should how wide how long how high and how deephis love is May you experience the love of Christ though it istoo great to understand fully Then you will be made completewith all the fullness of life and power that comes from Godsup1sup2
God is love
I will give you a new heart and put anew spirit in you I will remove fromyou your heart of stone and give youa heart of flesh Ezekiel 3626niv
If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son ofGod God lives in them and they in God And so weknow and rely on the love God has for us God islove 1 John 415-16niv
He cares about broken hearts He heals the brokenheartedand binds up their wounds
Psalm 1473niv
You LORD hear the desire of theafflicted you encourage them and youlisten to their cry Psalm 1017niv
He is with us during depression
He offers inside-out change
9
Godrsquos power is at work Now to him who is able to doimmeasurably more than all weask or imagine according to hispower that is at work within us tohim be gloryhellip Ephesians 320-21niv
I say to myself ldquoThe LORD is myinheritance therefore I will hope inhimrdquo -Jeremiah Lamentations 324
He offers eternal hope
He offers joy I came that they may have and enjoy life andhave it in abundance -Jesus John 1010amp
This is not a God will fix you book It is a door that opens into thediscovery of biblical solutions you may not know exist
This is also not a miracle-cure book The miracle is the DifferenceMaker and how he lifts you above depressive thoughts
10
12
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord you teach
ldquohellipwhatever is true
whatever is noble whatever
is right whatever is pure
whatever is lovely whatever
is admirablemdashif anything is
excellent or praiseworthymdash
think about such thingsrdquo
Help me Lord to change my
depressive thoughts
Based on Philippians 48
___________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
1 What consistent triggering event and response do youexperience
___________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
Practical Exercise 1 Make the Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use a napeven though a minute earlier you were not tired This is a type ofthought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bed the visualautomatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Begin noticing what runs through your brain in different situationsHow do certain thoughts make you feel
If you are uncertain how to answer the last question try this quickexperiment Think for 30 seconds on this yearrsquos news and noticeyour emotions Now focus on your favorite memory for 30 secondsIn which direction did your feelings travel when you changed theseintentional thoughts
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom where andwhy of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take the time tocomplete the following exercise (for each thought habit) and you willbe surprised at the worthwhile outcome
12
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchangeyour triggerrsquos association from gloomy to whatgenerally rightens your mood
3 What is your thought-habit
_______________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_______________________________________________(Example l feel content)
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with thingsyou love move the bed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularlyfor foot rubs saying prayers or texting jokesto your friends Avoid texts from work oropen them elsewhere)
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of thespace with open curtains worship music or a self-startingcoffee maker (Avoid texts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
__________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
13
7 What action will you take next time this triggering eventoccurs
__________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts More seriousepisodes of depression anxiety or other challenges may follow apattern or cycle Ideas throughout the following chapters can helpcreate new thinking patterns to replace negative thought habits
14
2Self-Doubt
Her eyes climb sparkling windowpanes to the tenth floor as she
stands frozen facing the entrance to an imposing office buildingAudrey has researched this job opportunity for days Do I knowenough Her binder is loaded with documents What did I forgetHer attire is professional I should have worn those other shoes
A woman walks past carrying a briefcase She looks put-togetherWhat if she is applying Audrey has recently earned a degree thefirst in her family to finish college But it is only a bachelorrsquos and Ihave no experience She catches her reflection in the glass doorsIrsquom too young
Finally Audrey caves What was I thinking They will never hireme This was a mistake Irsquom going home
Some thoughts My judgment is questionable Is this the right decision Am I good enough No one will take me
seriously I do not know if I am making a difference Fears of rejection and failure are paralyzing
ldquoGet Wisdomrdquo
[Godrsquos] still on the throne And those of us who know him putour trust in him and him alone I donrsquot put my trust in
15
ldquoGet wisdomrdquo is the challenge King Solomon of ancient Israel gaveto his son ldquoThough it cost all you have get understandingrdquosup1 Iwonder if his urgency was inspired by the story of his parentsKing David and Bathshebasup1∙⁵
Get wisdom from believers who listen to the Holy Spirit King David took another manrsquos wife Bathsheba and killed theman God detested this terrible deed and David knew it Drowningin lies and excuses he lived in total denial
Nathan the prophet listened to Godrsquos Holy Spirit and called David
Washington I donrsquot put my trust in the United Nations I donrsquotput trust in myself I donrsquot put my trust in my money I put mytrust in the Lord Jesus Christ When all the rest of it fails andcrumbles and shatters Hersquoll be there - Billy Graham
16
Reliance on
Godrsquos wisdom
means our
judgment is
not our only
resource
Self-doubt traps us between fear andfailure Trusting God to show us what todo may seem contradictory to our goal ofthinking for ourselves with confidence Ofcourse we are not created conformists orrobots
Nonetheless we cannot know more thanwe know Reliance on Godrsquos wisdommeans our judgment is not our onlyresource Even when we do not know thewhere what why or how ofcircumstances we never have toquestion Gods ability to lead
out on his rationalizing Truth hit David hard Hebroke down His tears of grief were not only regretbut repentance
Repentance is a combination of sorrow oversinning (wrongdoing) against God and a turningaway from those sins David later wrote in such away it is evident he changed direction His prayeris one we can repeat
Solomon became king remembering his fatherrsquoslessons Above long life riches or militaryvictory he prayed for an understanding mind anddiscerning heart to know the difference betweenright and wrongsup3
Growth and discernment are natural results of asincere and disciplined relationship with JesusAge and many years in the church do notguarantee this Spiritually mature believers havedeeper understanding of sound judgment becauseby constant practice they have trainedthemselves to distinguish good from evil⁴ Thereis much to be said for such experience
A man thanked a boy for giving him directionsadding ldquoIrsquom the new pastor Come to church
17
ldquoSearch me O God and know my heart test meand know my anxious thoughts Point outanything in me that offends you and lead mealong the path of everlasting liferdquosup2
Sunday and Irsquoll show you how get to heavenrdquo
The boy was skeptical Awww come on You dont even know theway around town
God promises ldquoI willhellip teach you in the way you should gordquo⁵ LikeNathan God still appoints people who listen to the Holy Spirit tospeak truth
The better part of wisdom is admitting when we have reached theend of what we know and humbly asking for directions
Get wisdom from the Holy BibleGodrsquos Word is not merely words on paper All Scripture is God-breathed according to Paul⁶ None of it is false
No prophecy or book in the Bible came from the writerrsquos initiativeor human understanding There is but one author God People likePaul who wrote profound letters were moved by the Holy Spirit⁷
Paul continues by saying the Bible is useful for correcting andtraining so servants of God (believers) will be thoroughlyequipped for every good deed and ministry⁸ He strongly impliesthat without such correction and training we will not have thenecessary tools to do Godrsquos work
Several hyper-religious hypocrites tried to trap Jesus with loadedquestions In one incident Jesus replied ldquoAre you not in errorbecause you do not know the Scriptures or the power of Godrdquo ⁹
Jesus could not be tricked into a defensive position because heknew the Word of God intimately He understood the heart of it
18
because he knew the Father so well If we are not studying thebook we will find ourselves floundering So often we leaveourselves vulnerable to the latest arguments and philosophies
Saturating in the Bible whether through reading or audio is howwe learn who God is how he relates to us personally and how torespond to him Without this we miss out on the power of God
I recommend reading the Bible in large chunks Headingschapters and verse numbers have been added by publishers tohelp us navigate and find specific passages these markings do notexist in the original writings Context and flow of meaning arericher without those divisions so try to pretend they are not there
As variations from reading I enjoy the NIV dramatized versionaudio Bible and movies that directly quote New Testament books
The Bible is also not published in chronological order You mayfind it more fascinating and exciting to follow a chronological listof books and passages These are easily found online
Get wisdom from knowing Godrsquos willSelf-doubt interrupts our ability to process leaving us stranded ina place of pain the valley of indecision We want to know Godrsquoswill for us yet our prayers are mixed with fear and negative what-ifs
19
Sam enjoys the pace of factory work He is good with his hands andfeels a sense of pride in a dayrsquos accomplishments He holds nostudent debt can leave his job at the factory and is fully presentfor his family in the evenings
Sam would be miserable managing the factory After dealing withcontractors and payroll and customers all day he would returnhome uptight business school loans still due
If Sam were offered these jobs what would you recommend forhim God is not the author of confusionsup1⁰ Most of the time hespeaks through the obvious and we can over-spiritualize things tothe point they make no sense
God made us with innate talents and gifts He placed us in culturesamong people who will help develop our likes and dislikesAssuming we are not choosing to sin we can make life choicesbased on what suits our unique qualities best
If Audrey faces that office building knowing the job is one that willdry up her talents then walking away is likely wise Of course Godgrows us within the challenging features of his calling We tend toenjoy what we are successful doing and skills increase withpractice Trying a new experience is an adventure
20
Where We
Find JoyOur
Will
Godrsquos
Will
21
He has already revealed his will for us anyway Comparing ouroptions to his known will makes for simpler decisions if they donot match we need to change
Firstly we must have faith in God and In his Son Jesus Withoutfaith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes tohim must believe that he exists and that he rewards those whoearnestly seek himsup1sup1
Secondly with the help of the Holy Spirit we are to transformbecoming more like Christ in attitude which is love for othersobedience to the Father and willingness to suffer for the truthsup1sup2
Thirdly we are told to focus on the spiritual kingdom of Jesussup1sup3My grandmother had a sign hung prominently in her dining roomAs one who wanted to make a difference in the world it spoke tome throughout my youth
lsquoTis only one life
lsquoTwill soon be past
Only whatrsquos done for Christ will last
God feels with you and knows how exhausted and overloaded youare at times Do what you want and can do His work in us is allabout growing in love not more pressure to meet human orreligious standards
Get wisdom from prayerPerhaps the most comforting promise about using good judgment
22
was recorded by Jesusrsquo brother James ldquoIf any of you lacks wisdomyou should ask God who gives generously to all without findingfault and it will be given to yourdquosup1⁴
Without finding fault what a relief We do not have to clean-upbefore approaching our Holy Father He has only one condition forhis perfect guidance to get through to us James wrote ldquoBut whenyou ask you must believe and not doubtrdquosup1⁴
A pastor proposed an idea for knowing when we have receivedGodrsquos answer
Ask Make a specific request to God such as ldquoIs it best I take thisjobrdquo or ldquoDo I owe Becky an apologyrdquo
Listen Pay attention to the first thought that follows yourrequest
Act Go with that first thought
But I will make a mistake Irsquoll think of something wrong That iswhere doubt comes in God is more than capable of getting hismessage through all the muck in our heads Every time I haveapplied this pastorrsquos idea every time the answer has been the rightone
Confusion comes with arguing It is true Trying to have my wayand ldquoaskrdquo him at the same time forces a did he answer or did he notanswer internal battle That is on me not him Self-doubt will pop-up its ugly head nevertheless it loses its power if we refuse tosecond-guess God
Faith and trust increase the better we know him ldquoBe still and knowthat I am Godrdquo he sayssup1⁵ Be still Turn off the television and
23
phone go somewhere quiet and meditate onwho is this God and Creator of the universe
Open your Bible with this prayer ldquoGod pleaseshow me what this means to my life mysituation Please reveal what I need to learnabout Yourdquo
Love and holiness are Godrsquos nature His love is
He told
Moses his
name
ldquoI AMrdquo
unending He is the source of all good and truth in the world He isperfectly goodsup1⁶
Yet he is a mystery No one of such finite quality as we can fullymake sense of an eternal God The most studious experts ofscripture know only what God has revealed to them
He told Moses his name I AMsup1⁷ He exists As supposed to all theother false gods and idols that are man-made illusions and self-reliance which is faulty surely he can handle our situations Let usstop questioning our every move We can be still and know he isGod
Imagine Audrey goes to the job interview confident of Godrsquos lovefor her Intimidation and insecurities weaken as she exchanges self-doubt for faith
I cannot Lord You canI have not You will never abandon me
I am unseeing You know all
Please lead me along the best path
25
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Do good to your servant
according to your word
Lord Teach me knowledge
and good judgment for I
trust your commands Before
I was afflicted I went
astray but now I obey
your word
Psalm 11965-67
Practical Exercise 2 Pros and Cons
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible or ask amature follower of Christ to see if there is already an answer givenStep three Be brutally honest with all the pros and cons of youroptions
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
25
Next remember who has all the answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottlewherever it will catch some light Keepit open and have slips of paper andpen available
Write down your unansweredquestions doubts about yourself andany other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside thejar is a great problem surrounded byshadows and light By faith we canaccept that we do not see all or have allthe answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimesshoot out of your jar This representsthe endless wisdom and love of God towhich we can each cling Somehowgood is going to come of what we donot understand
26
3Toxic Shame
Some thoughts I must punish myself I cannot show my face Irsquoll never tell anyone what I did or how I feel There are dozens of reasons for her to hate me I cannot go to
God because Ive done too much wrong Forgive myself Not possible
Shame is a good thing It is Without shame for wrongdoing there
would be no rehabilitation no fresh starts no amends and nochange We must feel ashamed so we are ready to apologize andmean it This is healthy
Toxic Shame is a cruel entertainer replaying mental moviesespecially at night while we snack on the poisons of self-hate andhumiliation
Toxic Shames co-conspirator is Mindreading She makes it difficultto let go of the fear that people remember and do not forgive
Toxic Shame is a relentless accuser with total-devastation potential Scores of his targets havefallen victim to physical pains anxiety or someform of self-punishment This shame preventsrest in Godrsquos love because we question ourworthiness of forgiveness
27
mistakes We do not take their words at face value Mindreadingassumes we are judged by everyone like we judge ourselves
Toxic shame cannot stand up to Godrsquos mercy
pastor the name of Jesus never escaped his lips
As he lay dying and unresponsive at age eighty-four a chaplaincame to visit He asked about Dadrsquos background and I told him whatI just told you The chaplain said something I had not consideredldquoPerhaps because he once was a pastor he does not believe he canbe forgiven for falling into sinrdquo
It makes perfect sense the way Dad wouldshrug off talk of his old days as a preacheror how he changed the subject if a regularconversation turned to faith When I or myson asked about his relationship to Jesushe always answered ldquoIrsquom working on itrdquo
ldquoPerhaps
because he was
once a pastor
he does not
believe he can
be forgivenrdquo
Refusing to forgive ourselves might seemlike humility it is the epitome of prideWe assume to have an authority greaterthan God when after he wipes away oursins we answer ldquoNot me Im too messedup even for You
Clumsy human attitudes such as this donot determine Godrsquos toward us
My dad was not easily understood Hisways were a mix of good deeds and dolingout grievous pain Although he was once a
28
Shortly after the chaplain spoke to and prayed with my dad Istepped out for a short break from keeping vigil Ten minutes latertrying to reenter Dadrsquos room it felt the door was heavy as ifpressing against a strong wind With a heavier shove I found myselfin a familiar and most welcome of atmospheres
It was still except for the sound of labored breathing The air wasthick with the closest to perfect peace as we will ever know on thisearth The dense presence of Godrsquos Holy Spirit filled the roomconcentrated in the corner over my fatherrsquos bed
The Difference Maker was answering my long-time prayer andholding a deathbed conversation with Dad Some time passed until Ifelt the presence rise and leave perhaps taking a refreshed soul withhim Within an hour my dadrsquos frail body quit trying
Jesus was crucified between two thieves One of them said to JesusldquoRemember me when you come into your kingdomrdquo
Jesus answered ldquoToday you will be with me in paradiserdquosup1
A thief and my dad Two unlikely candidates for heaven embracedfor eternity because they said yes to forgiveness
It is too bad my dad did not live a life of peace We can While werehearse old scenarios the Difference Maker forgives generously
We duck our heads in shame he wants to liftour chinssup2
Once my dad had breathed his last I askedGod if he would assure me that dad said yes tohim during their talk I opened my Bible and
29
30
landed near the end of the Old Testament
ldquoYou will not stay angry with your people forever because youdelight in showing unfailing loverdquo Micah the prophet wrote ldquoOnceagain you will have compassion on us You will trample our sinsunder your feet and throw them into the depths of the oceanrdquosup3
Do you see that God delights in showing unfailing love He wasnever about to let his child go into eternity without him In the endGod orchestrated the timing so my dad would accept forgivenessand his daughter would have the privilege of learning just how deepis the love of God for those who believe on his Son⁴
He not only removes our shame he personally has a great timedoing so He is eager to remove our fears too
I know my dad is in heaven just like I know the thief is there ldquoFor ashigh as the heavens are above the earth so great is his love for thosewho fear him as far as the east is from the west so far has heremoved our transgressions from usrdquo⁵
Other steps
Remember healthy shame It becomes toxic when we allow it to rotunattended while we refuse to deal with complicated truth
Things we ignore grow moldy and poisonous This plays out inaddiction resentment depression anger control issues self-righteousness and so much more
Godrsquos love and forgiveness are gracious and forever I will thank himfor them However he does not take our stubborn and hard
Moral inventory shapes our understanding of ourselves whichin turn shapes our relationship with God Some styles ofinventory ask us to take a hard look at our character defectsand this can create a powerful sense of our need for God Otherstyles of inventory encourage us to look not just at ourshortcomings but at our strengths as well and so the sense ofneed for God is not as strong If we write according to the firststyle of inventory we are more likely to enter in an intimaterelationship with God ndashJames Ryan of the National
Association of Christian Recovery
A fearless inventory does not shy away from total honesty with Godwho knows everything anyway⁶ We do not have to fear Godrsquosrejection He never expects perfection from humans because heknows how weak we are he remembers we are only dust⁷
Guidance for completing an inventory is on the next page
hearts and melt them against our will Steps we can take will openus to his miracles
Moral Inventory
31
ConfessionldquoDonrsquot be impressed with your own wisdomInstead fear the LORD and turn away fromevil Then you will have healing for your bodyand strength for your bonesrdquo⁸
Who knew the Bible is so psychologically apteh
The One who made us knows we need tounload shame and offers his listening earsWe share our moral inventory with him andask him to remove all our sins
Honesty 1 Peter 222
rdquoHe committed no
sin and no deceit was
found in his mouthrdquo
Sexual Purity
Hebrews 726 rdquo[Christ
Jesus] truly meets our need mdash one who is
holy blameless pure set apart from sinnershelliprdquo
Love 1 John 316 ldquoThis is how
we know what love isJesus Christ
laid down his life for
usrdquo
Unselfishness2 Corinthians
89rdquoFor you know the grace of our
Lord Jesus Christ that
though he was rich yet for your sake he became
poor so that you through his
poverty might become richrdquo
Borrowed from the Oxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes we compare
our honesty purity unselfishness and love to that of Jesus
32
Amends (not excuses)
Jesus said ldquohellipif you are offering your gift at the altar (he meant inworship of God) and there remember that your brother or sisterhas something against you leave your gift there in front of the altarFirst go and be reconciled to them then come and offer your giftrdquo⁹
That is how important making amends is to God Confessing ourwrongs to people we have hurt is a giant step toward our healingfrom toxic shame and hopefully brings some sense of closure tothem too Unless contacting them would cause them more pain wehumbly admit what we did and apologize
Forgiveness is theirs to give when and if they are ready so we donot ask for it Our forgiveness comes from above Amends may notproduce a healed relationship we do it anyway and leave others toGod
Pray blessings for your enemiesJesus prayed for his enemiessup1⁰ as did Stephen the first Christianmartyr
ldquoOpen confession is good for the soulrdquo ndashScottish proverb
33
This is an ongoing process His forgivenessis complete nonetheless we will continueto act dishonestly impurely selfishly andunlovingly at times
A caution Do not compare yourself against
other people only to Christ Jesus
Stephen prayed for those who conspired to have him stoned todeathsup1sup1 While he was dying he asked God to have mercy on hisenemies Saul of Tarsus stood among themsup1sup1∙⁵
In the name of God Saul of Tarsus zealously opposed Jesusrsquofollowers hunting them down Mercilessly he tore families apartdragging men and women believers to prison and voting for theirdeaths He tried to force them to blaspheme a criminal offensesup1sup2
Eventually he wrote half the New Testament of our Holy Bibletoday
Did Paul deserve Godrsquos grace No way That is the beauty of itnone of us do Jesus never sinned and therefore had pure love forhis enemies By praying for our enemies we recognize theirhumanity and ours The largess of Godrsquos grace heals our soul
Stay in the presentPaul could easily have been paralyzed by toxic shame as hepreached to and encouraged friends and members of those samefamilies he had killed In his sixties and under house arrest for hisfaith Paul wrote ldquohellipone thing I do Forgetting what is behind and
As he was
martyred he
asked God to
have mercy on his
enemies
God heard Stephenrsquos prayer and hadmercy on Saul After his conversionSaul changed his name to Paul (Saulwas a kingly name Paul meanslittle)
For about thirty-five years Paulserved as missionary and churchplanter willingly suffering the life hehad imposed on otherssup1sup3
34
Note We all need assistance sometimes When toxicshame is connected to unaddressed memories andtrauma emotional disturbances and the inability tofunction normally we may benefit most from professionalhelp
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love ofGod and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with yousup1⁶
straining toward what is ahead I press onhelliprdquo sup1⁴
Toxic shame can be a choice The past cannot change why wastetime on it Today and tomorrow with the Difference Maker in thelead we have the opportunity to follow his plan of escape from self-defeating thoughts and live a different kind of life
Godrsquos promise is that no shadow of shame will darken our faces ifwe look to himsup1⁵ Read the book of John as you begin orstrengthen your walk with God
35
Prayer to the Difference Maker
ldquohellipmany are saying of my soul
lsquoThere is no salvation for him in Godrsquo
But you O LORD
are a shield about me my glory
and the lifter of my headrdquo
Psalm 32-4 (ESV)
Practical Exercise 3 Examine the Evidence
If
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes toone of the questionson the left you havea new day in thecourt of your mindCheck out thecorresponding linkson the right
37
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Prison- no parole
Next secure your release
38
4Self-loathing
Mr Negative self-
talk destroys
identities and
paralyzes dreams
Period That is all
he does
Mr Self-loathing blinds us to thewonderful mysteries of otherpeople by laser-beam focusinginward In public we worry if weare coming across okay In privatewe wonder what others think aboutus
When we do not believe in ouraptitude personality or lovabilitywe miss out on the love others tryto extend Compliments upset us
Some thoughts Irsquom not good enough No one can love meIrsquom too old or young too fat or thin too uneducated or
inexperienced too introverted or boisterous Irsquom always too much and too little Ugly Idiot Trouble
Thats me I am a mistake
Mr Self-loathing is in the ldquoIrdquo business He sells I-should-not be
me and I-should-have-done-better His top sales manager MsSense of Worthlessness invented Irsquom not-as-good-as-so-n-so andIrsquom-sorry-for-everything Their chief of business communicationsolrsquo Negative Self-talk specializes in I am a loser of every typeimaginable
39
because in our minds they cannotpossibly be true We believepeople are only placating us forwhat purpose we do not knowMiniscule mistakes blare I canrsquotget anything right
Loathing is a strong term andappropriate for this self-debasingthinking As a thought habit itresponds well to Practical Exercise1
If we buy the goods Ms Sense ofWorthlessness sells self-loathing
goes public She excels at over-apologizing One of her favorites isldquoOh excuse merdquo (even though you nearly knocked me onto mykeester and two pounds of chocolate chips ripped open in front ofmy three very young children who now look like foraging raccoonsBut hey Irsquom sorry- to you- who is long gone)
Another favorite is ldquoIrsquom sorry to bother yourdquo (though you said I amnot bothering you a minute ago and each time I have walked intoyour office since you hired me you have said the same)
She also encourages her customers to say I am sorry with bodylanguage when nothing out of the ordinary has occurred
Maybe we rationalize apologies as nice polite or sympatheticUnfortunately unnecessary and excessive apologizing generallyframes us as untrustworthy and weak even if we are not thosethings The practice works against us
40
Mr Negative Self-talk destroys identities and paralyzes dreamsPeriod That is all he does His attacks against our wellbeing are oldvoices thoughts and beliefs playing on a loop each geared towardthe abuse and vandalization of our minds bodies and spirits
One meme says ldquoIf a friend speaks to you the way you speak toyourself how long will you be friendsrdquo Well what if a friend talksabout herself using thoughts you hold against yourself how longbefore you try to reassure her
Baggage and Beliefs
Some of our baggage is based on negative false core beliefs usuallyadopted in childhood Three steps form a belief
bull A significant person to us one in authority or someone we trustor admire sends or affirms a message positive or negativethrough speech or actions
bull Our experience must support that message whether byperception or reality
bull Then we must repeat the message to ourselves
For instance a teacher says ldquoYou are weak at mathrdquo On the nextexam you miss some equations This experience might become yourldquoevidencerdquo of weakness in math By repeating to yourself Irsquomterrible at math you affix the belief
Negative false core beliefs often buried deep inside and out ofsight strongly affect our decisions even when we are unaware
Jeff is not introspective and tends to go about his business with anair of certainty However he turns down promotions and lately
41
His dad had been promoted severaltimes within the company for whichhe worked most of his life At an olderage he was fired and replaced by ayounger man who earned less Thishappened when Jeff was a teenagerand he heard an earful as his dadblamed the bosses the ldquosystemrdquo andbad luck
Jeff picked up on the message that nomatter how hard one tries gettingahead will result in financial disasteranyway Throughout his life hegathered evidence of injusticesupporting this message Hemumbled ldquoThatrsquos the way it isrdquo untilhe no longer had to be aware of it tobase his life around it
Uncovering this core belief changedhis attitude He took time to challengethe old fear with evidence to thecontrary
42
A
message
Experience
backs it up
We repeat
the
message to
ourselves
anger rises when the manager asks him to take on more leadershipresponsibility
Jeffrsquos wife suggests he begin to question for the first time if there ismore behind these decisions Starting with the Difference Makerhe asks for help
Beliefs Baggage
Whether he accepts a promotion is not the point He is his ownman free to make decisions about his future without an underlyingfear of loss undermining his goals
Any one of us may have our sense of identity buried under moundsof such beliefs I am stupid I am annoying No one can truly loveme I do not belong herehellip and on and on it goes We watch ourdreams float past like clouds and mutter ldquoI canrsquot I am not enoughrdquo
Another point of view
Self-loathing a sense of worthlessness and negative self-talk may
Godrsquos
Thoughts
Our
Thoughts
be familiar and oddly comforting Perhaps this ishow someone significant to us treats us Maybe itis all we have known No matter how the put-downs started God wants to change our thinking
He highly values us He created people in hisimagesup1 He made humans but a little lower thanhimselfsup2
These facts do not make us little gods he alone isGod He said ldquoMy thoughts are nothing like yourthoughts and my ways are far beyond anythingyou could imaginerdquosup3
By questioning our worth are we not assuminghis thoughts are the lower ones We curse onehuman being who is made in Godrsquos likeness andoften harshly judge others who remind us ofourselves⁴
43
Take in the Difference Makerrsquos messages
I am whole as Godrsquos artFor I am Godrsquos handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do goodworks which he prepared in advance for me to do ⁵
He created my inmost being he knit me together in my motherrsquoswomb⁶
I am whole because I am newThis means that I who belong to Christ have become a new personMy old life is gone a new life has begun⁷
Because of the LORDrsquos great love I am not consumed for hiscompassions never fail They are new every morning Great is Godrsquosfaithfulness ⁸
God does not make mistakes therefore I matter God loves me with an unending love therefore I am lovable
I am human with strengths and weaknesses like everyone therefore I am as valuable
There is purpose for my life therefore I will make a differenceI am who God says I am therefore I have a unique identity
44
Taking Godrsquos point of view to heart is to embrace grace thatmysterious and priceless gift of Godrsquos favor and blessing that no onecan earn
45
I belong because I am Godrsquos childSee what great love the Father has lavished on me that I should becalled a child of God And that is what I am ⁹
I belong and am a friend of JesusI am friends with the Lord and Savior Yes Abraham believedGodhellip and he was called a friend of Godsup1⁰
He calls me friend for everything that he has learned from theFather he has made known to mesup1sup1
I am secureThough my father and mother forsake me the LORD will receivemesup1sup2
I am one of Good Shepherdrsquos sheep and I listen to his voice Heknows me and I follow him He gives me eternal life and I willnever perish No one can snatch me away for the Father is morepowerful than anyone else No one can snatch me from the Fatherrsquoshandsup1sup3
I am strong when I am weakChristrsquos grace is all I need His power works best in myweakness So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so thatthe power of Christ can work through mesup1⁴
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Thank you for making me so
wonderfully complex Your
workmanship is marvelous -
how well I know it
Psalm 13914
Practical Exercise 4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a game somethingwith a little challenge in it to help make a thought exchange So Imade one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Word-Swap
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automatically
speak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourself
names Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckhellipExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friendhellip
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might makeyou cringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
47
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look about youand write down all you have accomplished in the last 24 hours (Youread this page right That is one) No matter how small you think theaccomplishment it is evidence to the contrary of never do anythingright
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved ones tomarketers to abusers messages given us as children and older cancome from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable of realisticinsight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged false negative corebeliefs of their own Are they suggestible and reactionary with theiremotions Are they knowledgeable and wise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
48
Next test messages and messengers
5Extreme
Conclusions How I feel in this moment is how I will always feel No
one is trustworthy If the result will be perfect Irsquoll do it if not I wonrsquot try God only helps those who help themselves
Irsquoll make sure you are happy Irsquoll sleep when Irsquom dead I always do what is right and you never do If I do not get
this new job Irsquoll have to go back to the old one
Extreme conclusions are mental
destinations We travel there via trains ofthought Four main engines pull separate linesof cargo cars loaded with random thoughtsand assumptions These engines are calledBlack-and-white All-or-nothing Either-orand Pass-fail
Extreme conclusions are depressive whenexpectations are not met For example in thesports world winning is everything If an
Disclaimer Absolute truths exist as expressedthroughout this book that is not the topic here
Pass-fail
athlete with a pass-fail mindset loses the athletersquos sense of personalvalue may hang on the scoreboard
49
Primarily this mindsetjudges By dissecting life andboxing it in with manmaderules it labels situationspeople ideas emotions andeven God as all good or all
bad
Unwanted or disagreeable
Throughout a lifetime gray areas or for the sake of this chapter themiddle track is where most decisions are made We want to land atreasonable conclusions Listening learning compromising makingfair judgments and extending mercy swiftly carry us to that moresatisfying place
Once there we find closer relationships higher self-esteemforgiveness and honesty
It is imperative our thoughts ride the middle rails Outside of thatwe lose sight of options We wind up lost in Extreme Conclusionsour minds closed
Black-and-white (judgmental)
Black-and-white thinking is themonster truck of thought enginesthe gold medalist in conveyingundecipherable messages to ourbrain at speeds so fast that we areat Extreme Conclusions wellbefore we have had a chance to reconsider
50
ideas and emotions are stored out of reach and dismissed
Jesus lived in the gray Violently against hypocricy and manmadereligious laws and passionate about his Father he taught atransformative love
Do not judgesup1 open your eyes and arms to the strangersup2 and sharewith those in needsup3 he preached Greet people who are not yourpeople⁴ pray for your enemies⁵ and do to others as you wouldwant them to do to you⁶
He was radical then and still is It was against religious rules to doany work on the Sabbath yet Jesus healed people and allowed hishungry disciples to pick grain on holy days He lifted women to ahigher plane speaking to them directly and treating them with thesame respect he offered men He welcomed women to choosediscipleship Love and decency shown to the poor and sociallydespised became a hallmark of his ministry
He was not so patient with religious hypocrites
Jesus told a now-famous parable⁷ about extreme conclusions of theself-righteous black-and-white variety and their opposite
A man of a certain race and creed was beaten by robbers and left todie Two people of the same race and creed saw him lying there andignored him
Why He was inconvenient They had work to finish and religiousrules to follow Touching a dead man back then would make themceremonially unclean for seven days⁸ They would not take thechance
51
A third man came along this time of a race andcreed that shared a long-standing animositytoward the people of the robbed man Normallythese two populations did not interact or eventouch some of the same items
Social norms did not cause this third passer-by tohesitate He saw only human need and rushed tothe aid of a person dying by the side of the roadInstead of us versus them he chose middleground
He saw
only
human
need and
rushed to
the aid of
a person
dying by
the side of
the roadInstead of
us versus
them he
chose
middle
ground
He cleaned the manrsquoswounds with oil andwine bandaged hislacerations and tookhim to an inn where theowner agreed to watchover his recovery Thekind stranger paid forroom and boardpromised to check backand left to go about hisbusiness
Black and whitejudgments often have
52
nothing to do with love The Difference Makerreminds us that he holds all knowledge and weknow but part⁹ Blinded to a log in our eyes wewill hurt people by attempting speck-removalsurgery on theirssup1⁰
ldquoMake sure that the light you think you have is not actuallydarkness If you are filled with light with no dark corners then yourwhole life will be radiant as though a floodlight were filling youwith lightrdquosup1⁰∙⁵
All-or-nothing (misdirected drive)
All-or-nothing is 101 investment in a single area of life to theexclusion of all else It is a one-track train of thought
state of constant motion stress and guilt
Whatever consumes our priorities and imagination vital momentsand relationships that make life worthwhile wilt in the cabooseDepression is an unsurprising pay-off as are heart attacks Balanceis in the middle
Common modern misdirected drives such as the love of money andcontrol over onersquos destiny are also ancient
A rich young mansup1sup1 clearly spiritually sensitive approached JesusldquoI have carefully followed all the ten commandmentsrdquo he saidldquoWhat else must I do to earn eternal liferdquo
With love Jesus offered a shocking plan He suggested the man sellhis possessions and give the money to the poor This ran far deeper
Be it work education legacyfame power pursuit of moneyor anything else an all-or-nothingmindset mimics tyrannythreatening to stop us altogetherunless we remain in a deplorable
53
than asking for a donation Jesusrsquo intentions appear less aboutsacrificial giving than faith
One sect of religious teachers at the time commonly taught thatwealth proved Godrsquos approval and was a likely ticket to heaven ifheaven existed The young man went away sad and this falseteaching may be part of the reason His question had been aboutobeying rules Jesusrsquo answer challenged him to lsquobreakrsquo one of theso-called rules that provided comfort
Driven to earn more collect more and reassure himself he missedeverything he had been looking for He was afraid of losing statushis hope of salvation by a means other than Jesus
heaven what hope was there for the poor For them Theyasked ldquoWho then can be savedrdquo
Jesus said ldquoWith man this is impossible but with God all thingsare possiblerdquo In one sentence he negated the notion that anythingbut Godrsquos grace can usher people into eternal life
All-or-nothing thinking potentially affects us in any area Jesussaid ldquoNo one can serve two masters For you will hate one and lovethe other you will be devoted to one and despise the otherrdquosup1sup2
To his disciples who witnessed thisexchange Jesus said ldquoIt is easierfor a camel to go through the eye ofa needle than for a rich person toenter the kingdom of Godrdquo
They were naturally astounded atthis unfamiliar teaching If it wereimpossible for the rich to enter
54
A popular heresy is the ldquoprosperity gospelrdquo promising gulliblepeople that God wants them rich Lest there be any doubt Paulexplains this topic in a letter to the young pastor Timothy
ldquoThese are the things you are to teach and insist on If anyoneteaches otherwise and does not agree to the sound instruction of ourLord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching they are conceited andunderstand nothing They have an unhealthy interest incontroversies and quarrels about words that result in envy strifemalicious talk evil suspicions and constant friction between peopleof corrupt mind who have been robbed of the truth and who thinkthat godliness is a means to financial gain
ldquoBut godliness with contentment is great gain For we broughtnothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it But if wehave food and clothing we will be content with that Those whowant to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into manyfoolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin anddestruction For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil Somepeople eager for money have wandered from the faith and piercedthemselves with many griefshellip
ldquoCommand those who are rich in this present world not to bearrogant nor to put their hope in wealth which is so uncertain butto put their hope in God who richly provides us with everything forour enjoyment Command them to do good to be rich in gooddeeds and to be generous and willing to share In this way they willlay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the comingage so that they may take hold of the life that is truly liferdquo
1 Timothy 63-19niv
55
Either-or (limited vision)
when he applied for work on the railroad in 1944 He was tooyoung Extreme conclusions told him it was useless to try againalthough the original dream never died
It is easy to look at William and think he could have tried hardernonetheless what about us Have we given up dreaming Are westaying in abusive relationships because we cannot see a way outHave we denied ourselves recovery because it seems impossibleDo we accept mental health struggles with an ldquooh wellrdquo shrug andbalk at seeking help
Do we worship the all-powerful all-knowing always-loving ldquoGodwith usrdquosup1sup3 or keep our distance for fear he will ruin our lives
Maybe we hide behind either-or too
Train tracks mechanically move at what are aptly called switchesRailyards have complex systems allowing engines with or withoutcars to completely reverse and travel the opposite direction
Either-or narrows ourvision to only two possiblechoices It leaves no spacefor fresh solutions Livingin this mindset isdepressive becausewhatever we want outsideof these limited options islocked out of consideration
William was turned down
56
What if God plans to conduct me through the impossible
What if his strength is enough for me to try something new
What if his wisdom will guide me safely away from repeated effortsthat have never worked and into freedom
What if I survive What if I can start over What if
Maryrsquos and Martharsquos brother Lazarus was severely illsup1⁴ Worriedthe sisters sent an urgent message to Jesus Please come
His reaction is still jolting
Lazarus died To many Jesusrsquo slowness did not look like concernenough
Martha ran to meet him as he arrived at town She said ldquoIf you hadonly been here my brother would not have diedrdquo
ldquoNow Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus Sowhen he heard that Lazarus was sick he stayed where hewas two more dayshelliprdquo (italics mine)
Switches are a massive undertaking andan engineering marvel
In what we may appropriately callanother marvel the Difference Makerwillingly switches at any time our one-track thoughts If we allow Godrsquospossibilities to override our either-orfaith asks a positive ldquowhat ifrdquo
57
Mary slumped at his feet tortured by the same thought ldquoLord ifyou had been herehelliprdquo Visitors who had come to grieve with Marthaand Mary mumbled ldquoHe could have saved Lazarusrsquo lifehelliprdquo
Deeply impassioned by the lack of faith around himsup1⁵ Jesuswalked to a small cave covered by a stone It was Lazarusrsquo graveldquoMove the stonerdquo he said
ldquoBut Lordrdquo said Martha ldquoBy this time there is a bad odor for hehas been there four daysrdquo
Lazarusrsquo sisters were stuck in either-or thinking partially due to thesociety in which they grew up Among the many false religiousteachings of their day it was believed that the soul left the bodypermanently after three days
The stone out of the way Jesus called in a loud voice ldquoLazaruscome outrdquo
Lazarus emerged from the dark caveinto daylight Jesus said ldquoTake offhis grave clothes and let him gordquo
No one had expected this No onedreamed that Jesusrsquo love includedthe inexplicable
No one had
expected
this
Four days after death meant no more hopefor miracles Either Jesus had come quicklyor it was too late Either Jesus had raisedLazarus a day earlier or it was impossibleeven for him
58
The disciples had heard him say earlier that Lazarus would live Hehad informed Martha also that Lazarus would be raised Yet thatwas not enough for them to understand and believesup1⁶
Jesus wept with Mary and Martha yearning to increase their faithHe was glad to see many of the witnesses finally set aside theirdoubts
The resurrection of Lazarus was significant for another reasonWhen powerful religious leaders heard about this miracle theirsomewhat paranoid ideas about Jesus and how many people wereturning to him increased They convened as a unit to plot Jesusrsquomurder not admitting they had no power to kill him outside ofGodrsquos timing
Ultimately by waiting to answer the sistersrsquo desperate plea thecompletion of Christ Jesusrsquo great mission took place voluntarilypaying the bloody price for our sins and coming back from deathThrough the experience of Lazarus he had left his followers withproof of his power to restore life no matter the odds
The death Lazarus endured was never in vain God who exists intimelessness knew precisely what everyone needed most They sawsuffering he saw the unfolding of his perfect plan They grieved theend of a life he rejoiced at the beginning of eternal life for all whowould trust in him completely
The Difference Makerworks miracles farbeyond either-or
59
60
A pass-or-fail train of thought is brutal Without mercy itdemands an accounting for every mistake Do not think it rewardswise choices No this train is on to the next opportunity to runover its victim Most often that is you
Olivetrsquos goal is to find a job in a new career Measuring her successby using a scale of 1-100 she gives herself a 30 for returning toschool as an older adult Finishing with an Associatersquos degree sheadds another 30 She finds it difficult to land a job Does this dropher back to zero
Pass-or-fail thinking takes such a punch and does not rise All thiseffort has been a waste of time
Mercy accepts realityrsquos middles Is stamina in Olivetrsquos job searchworth 20 She counts her successful steps Already she is at 80and not yet hired
Is anything more emotionallyself-punishing than to measureourselves against an impossiblestandard The psalmist wroteldquoEven perfection has itslimitshelliprdquosup1⁷
Pass-or-fail (merciless)
Unemployed Olivet might look like a loserto some Not to God ldquoPeople judge by theoutward appearance but the Lord looks atthe heartsup1⁸
61
One of Jesusrsquo closest friends Peter was an emotional man withgood intentions and quick impulses Words tended to leap from hismouth before careful thought
He opened his mouth one time too many Only hours before Jesuswas arrested on trumped-up charges Peter vowed his allegiancesaying ldquoEven if I have to die with you I will never deny yourdquosup1⁹
Jesus said ldquoPeter before morning by the time a rooster crowstwice you will have already denied me three timesrdquo
A crowd of men armed with swords and clubs took Jesus intocustody in the middle of the night His disciples scattered in fearPeter had enough courage to follow Jesus to the trial albeit fromfar behind He found himself hiding near a campfire with guardsand others who had been at the arrestsup2⁰
A servant girl recognized him ldquoYou were one of those with Jesusrdquo
Peter answered for all those around the fire to hear ldquoI donrsquot knowwhat yoursquore talking aboutrdquo
A rooster crowed in the background
As the rumor traveled people staredA voice spoke from the shadows ldquoHeis one of themrdquo
Panicking Peter said ldquoI swear I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Other bystanders confronted him
ldquoYou must be one of his followers Youraccent gives you awayrdquo
rooster crows Agonizing shame stabbed at his heart andbeleaguered his mind You will deny me three times before therooster crows twice Bolting from that place Peter wept bitterly
If life is a pass-fail test with God Peter failed At the mostimportant moment in history he crumbled That is not the end ofPeterrsquos story
Jesus was crucified Three days later after Jesus rose to life Peterraced with all his might to the grave to see if this report weretruesup2sup1 I imagine he had never dreamed of a second chance
Jesus showed himself to the disciples several times over the nextforty days One morning as he sat with seven of them Jesus saidto Peter ldquoDo you love me more than theserdquosup2sup2
American English is limited in that we use one word for loverelying on inflection and context to fill-in-the-blanks The ancientlanguages of the Bible were more specific Jesus was asking ldquoDoyou love me dearly more than these other disciples do Do youlove me now with total commitment and devotionrdquo
62
If life is a pass-
fail test with
God Peter
failed
ldquoA curse on me if Irsquom lying I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Immediately the rooster crowedagain
Before the rooster crows Before the
Having once said he would not deny Jesus even if everyone elsedid Peterrsquos pride was tested Understanding clearly that the Lordknew him better than he knew himself he may have been afraid toanswer Perhaps he doubted his capability to love like he had beencertain he could
He said ldquoYou know that I love You with a deep personal affectionas for a close friendrdquo
ldquoThen feed my lambsrdquo Jesus told him restoring Peter to hispreaching and teaching ministry
Jesus repeated the question ldquoSimon son of John (as Peter was alsoknown) do you love me dearly more than these others do withtotal commitment and devotionrdquo
Peter stood by his original friend-type answer
ldquoThen take care of my sheeprdquo
Suddenly Jesus changed his question ldquoPeter do you love me witha deep personal affection as for a close friendrdquo
It is almost as if Jesus were questioning Peterrsquos truth-telling but doyou really Perhaps this is how Peter heard it Still torn up byshame and self-doubt his reply was emphatic ldquoYou knoweverythingrdquo
Jesus assured him in a perplexing way ldquoWhen you grow old youwill stretch out your hands and arms and someone else will dressyou and carry you where you do not wish to gordquo
63
To Peter this dire news meant that he would one day be the manhe wanted to become Unafraid to love Jesus with his whole hearthe would stare martyrdom in the eye and courageously accept thecost of following the Messiah
One can almost feel the relief that swept over Peterrsquos body makinghis arms limp and body sag Although scripture does not tell us Iimagine Peter weeping again this time in gratitude and relief
Jesus said ldquoFollow merdquo
Three years earlier Jesus had called to Peter to follow him theoriginal language meaning ldquoCome hererdquo Peter had enthusiasticallybecome a believer and devotee Why say it again
This time the word follow was an invitation to walk the same pathJesus had walked Peter had a quality decision to make He wasforgiven and grace welcomed him back Would he accept
Later Peter faced the council that had condemned Jesus to die Thiswas said of him ldquoThe members of the council were amazed whenthey saw the boldness of Peterhelliprdquosup2sup3 Yes Peter accepted and so canwe Our failures or missteps do not determine our value
Paul reflected on why God houses his great power in humanbelievers calling us ldquofragile clay jarsrdquosup2⁴
Fragility with clay feet like Peterrsquos helps to keep us from theextreme conclusion that we are wiser than God becoming big-shotsforgetting that all good and perfect gifts are from the DifferenceMakersup2⁵ who loves us with an everlasting love
64
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord Irsquom standing at the crossroads
and looking asking for the ancient
paths asking where the good way is
so I can walk in it You promise it is
there that I will find rest for my soul
Guide me Lord Amen
Based on Jeremiah 616
66
Practical Exercise 5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
67
Keep
working
68
Next know when to say yes for a most-fulfilling life
Knowing what is of utmostimportance to you will helpprevent misdirected drive
1 Take time to list all yourcurrent obligations This willinclude family friends jobfinancial expenditures physicalhealth mental health spiritualgoals what God has asked ofyou and anything that youmust finish
2 Look realistically at theabove Is there anything thatdoes not fit within your daily
availability finances emotionalenergy or physical capabilities
3 Is there anything you canremove from this list Ask forGodrsquos wisdom
What remains are your yesses
With rare exceptions everythingelse is a no Each time you agreeto secondary activities expensesor obligations you are trading-in and saying no to something(or someone) you more highlyvalue
Making new
obligations
copyNancy Virden 2012
Popularity spending
more money
entertainmenthellip
6Hopelessness
Some thoughts No win is possible Nothing can improve These losses are too heavy with only more to come God
cannot stand me anymore My family is better off without me I am a burden Everyone else is happier I cannot
fight the pain anymore Irsquom done
True hopelessness has no sense of humor It is scary and
overbearing on each minute of the day It is not somewhat hopefullike when a possibility is unlikely it is devoid of any expectationsfor good now or in the future Abject hopelessness can be fatal
This fact drives the passion behind me and many ministries andservices trying to spread another message what seems like an endis a faccedilade fakery 0ptions are only hidden in the darkness hope isalways present even when we temporarily cannot see it
If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is call
Nothing in this book is to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care
US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis text line- Text ldquoHELLOrdquo to 741-741
For other international hotlines go here
If you are suicidal with a plan immediately call 911 in the US (112 in the
EU) or go to your nearest emergency room
69
The Real
I am a suicide attempt survivor One cannot climb out of that airlesspit without having learned new ways to breathe
Only a few days after leaving the hospital I attended the PartialHospitalization Program (PHP) suggested by my doctors There apotent weapon to use against suicidal thoughts came from anunlikely source
The scene was a small room intended for about fifteen peoplecrowded instead with twenty-five or more who were scrambling forchairs A few chatting voices exposed the general climate ldquoImheaded for rehab I just got back Im going to lose my job if Imiss any more workldquo
Most of us stared silently A single therapist managed to find spaceand called everyone to quiet
At his leading one by one people offered a number between 1-5rating the power of their suicidal thoughts Most chose 2 or 3 A fewof us with higher numbers were challenged to offer specific plansfor staying safe until the next day One man was sent back to thehospital
Then a woman spoke quietly A thought is just a thought I guesswe do not have to act on itldquo
I was stunned Her simple logic sounded profound to a braintangled in disorder and raging mood swings A thought ishellip only athought I tried to sort it out But how I feel now is how I willalways feelhellip
70
it differently but Iwill try to offer aglimpse into thatdark space
Alone in a pitch-black alley youcollapse to theground soundless
Unless you have been there it will be difficult to comprehend thegrueling emotions of a suicidal mindset Each person experiences
groans wrenching from deep within your torso
Thick briers and vipers pervade the trail that led you here Foryears you have navigated treacherous mountains of jagged rocksand falling boulders Your body is broken and bloodied
If you could or wanted to move the only way to continue yourjourney would be to grasp with ripped open hands the barbed wirefence by which you entered the alley place your torn feet on itsspikes and climb
Snarls in the blackness feel warm to your face A feral angry caninesnaps at you brushing your clothes with bared teeth Without fearyou sense it is a friend Its hungry jowls are only waiting for you todecide
As the only visible option outside of returning to the torture of whatcannot change the caninersquos guarantee is welcome hellip
Imagine then in that hopeless place hearing that the snarlingpromise is only a thought
71
The Difference Maker
It is the strangest thing When therapy started in 2011 I feltvulnerable like a toddler I could feel that inner child growing upto 6 10 then teen over the next months and years In my actualmid-fifties I declared my new 20 God gave me a chance toemotionally redo childhood safely this time while he re-parentedme with truth
What I had been so certain I could not live without never came tobe Some of the losses I feared have occurred Joy today comesfrom having rediscovered who our Creator intended me to becomePeace is from healing on the inside and finally having my hopewhere it belongs in the love of Jesus Christ
Pressure made it
nearly impossible
to breathe the
only air - leaking
from a cracked
sewer pipe
Marco was buried alive A wall of dirtand rock crashed over him forcinghis legs into a backward twist andlanding him head downwardPressure on his chest made it nearlyimpossible to breathe the only airavailable leaking from a crackedsewer pipe
The day passed as frantic rescueefforts continued Finally Marco waswhisked away to the nearest hospitalHe had been buried for eleven hours
Resulting physical disabilities make daily life challenging YetMarco has chosen contentment over bitterness Calm andcompassion have replaced old self-centered and impatient ways
72
The foundational extreme conclusion of hopelessness is thatnothing can change It may be true that our circumstances orrelationships will not change as we would like Perhaps it is we whocan change Maybe what we think we need for happiness is worthreconsidering
ldquoForget the former things do not dwell on the pastrdquo God saysldquoSee I am doing a new thing Now it springs up do you notperceive it I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in thewastelandsup1
My biggest leap toward a return to mental health was making awary deliberate decision to learn how to enjoy the life God gave tome Hope begins to appear when we choose to believe for it
The One who sees you
God loves you He cares about you He is not distant too busy ordistracted The LORD is close to the brokenheartedsup2 He whowatches over you will not slumbersup3
Hagar⁴ as an Egyptian slave pregnant and in a contentiousrelationship with the woman she served had run out of optionsShe ran away into the desert where the angel of the Lord met her
He said God was aware of her misery He promised she was havinga son who would be as free as a wild donkey⁴∙⁵ and the father ofmany nations
No doubt she carried deep longing for any future children to be freefrom slavery Reassured of her own future too she said ldquoYou arethe God who sees merdquo
73
As you walk secret trails through unwanted memories of shameand torment and you believe you are a waste of skin there isOne who knows you completely and loves
Overwhelmed in a desert of grief and questions seeing only moreloss in your tomorrows there is One who weeps with you whostands with you in broken-heartedness
He loves the child once so battered by other peoples sins He lovesthe adult in need of rescue from your own sins He sent his Son forboth and offers salvation and healing to each part of you
So when you believe there is no hope for change and everyonewill be better off without you there is One who sees hears knowsand loves
Go ahead ask him to meet you where you are He is the only Onewith the power to guide you through the next minute hour dayand year Reach out to Almighty God your Difference Maker
In your alley of hopelessness alonewhen fear of staying alive swampsyour mind and suicide seems theonly way out there is One who seesyou
Buried alive under mounds ofdespair and emptiness lying in thedark corner of a lifeless roomthere is One who hears your silentscreams and understands what youcannot speak
74
Dear child of God you are not failing him
which can come with depression From fellowship topersonal Bible study to a sense of Godrsquos love it was all missing
Of course at the time I had no idea of a physical cause for thisspiritual struggle It seemed my fault Abject lonelinesshopelessness a sense of worthlessness and guilt were what I knewPain Sorrow Torment Repeat
Occasional one-word whispered prayers lifted from my bed I criedfor what seemed like the absence of God
Then I saw Jesus There he stood in a mental picture a gift fromheaven He did not speak chase suffering away or take me to bewith him Unfelt he was only there with me in the dark I knewChrist Jesus never left
Relearning how to think resolving terrible situations physicalhealing of the brain these take a while God never walks away⁵His promises keep⁶ His love endures forever ⁷
Without a doubt the most significant lossand cause of grief as I struggled with severedepression was the inability to hear Godrsquosvoice I feared he would never speak to meagain that I had gone too far I feltspiritually dead
It was not true How can one be spirituallydead and care about it Typical experiencesaccompanying my Christian faith were outof reach due to cognitive and energy issuesand anxiety
75
1 Empathy2 Impulse Control3 Self-knowing Awareness
and Insight4 Fear Modulation5 Body Regulation6 Intuition7 Morality8 Emotion Regulation
1 Fear Processing2 Initiates the Fight Flight or
Freeze Response3 Emotional Learning4 Form Memories Related to
Intense Emotions Like Fear and Pleasure
5 Involved in Experiencing Anxiety
6 Reward ProcessingFigure 1
F U N C T I O N S
F U N C T I O N S
A few scientific facts (simplified so I can understand them) mayhelp clarify why spiritual vagueness might accompany depressionor anxiety
During an episode with depression the prefrontal cortex of ourbrain wrestles to varying degrees to function as normal Scans haveshown little activity there in a person with severe depressionResults may include impaired concentration confusion increasedimpulsivity mood swings heightened anxiety and a state offatigue
Our amygdala is also on overdrive so we are thrust into fightflight or freeze survival mode We may lose our ability to feelanything good
76
When a delivery is made to a wrong address everything in thepackage exists in full but is unavailable to the rightful owner Inthe same way while we are dealing with depression the advice torest in Godrsquos love know his joy and fill our minds with his peacelands at the wrong doorstep We have faith nevertheless there isno felt connection to him We do not experience God or lovingGod
With input running through this filter we may believe we arespiritual failures I am not good enough for God hersquos tired of meministry is over These thoughts are untrue and not how Godviews his dear children
Scripture shares testimonies of God meeting people at their pointsof need without chiding them Accounts of faith riding outdepression⁸ comfort after sorrow⁹ protection during panicsup1⁰good news calming anxietysup1sup1 and trust during hopelesssituationssup1sup2 are numerous In Elijahrsquos story alone we have abeautiful example of Godrsquos tenderness toward a deeply depressed
prophet who struggled with suicidal thoughtssup1sup3
your thoughts comings and goings motives and emotionssup1⁴ Heknows your complete story
Our Creator understands how the brain works Is God who notices
By restricting mental health challenges tothe realm of the spiritual or to the moralwe disregard the body and mind aspects ofour complete person
Look at your whole self as God does Hesees you and knows your name He knows
77
every sparrow that falls unaware of your confusionsup1⁵ Hispromises to turn all things out for our good and to grow our faiththrough trials do not imply quick work Be patient with yourselfOne day at a time as you are ready God will reveal what he wantsyou to know
If you cannot feel him while severely depressed he has not goneanywhere You are not failing the Difference Maker byexperiencing the painful emotion of hopelessness
God gives us people
Proverbs 1814-16 was written by King Solomon a champion ofseeking wise counsel It reads ldquoThe human spirit can endure insickness but a crushed spirit who can bear The heart of thediscerning acquires knowledge for the ears of the wise seek it outrdquo
Ultimately it is your and my responsibility to save our lives andescape hopelessness Like a child trying to lift a rock twice her sizewe are not using all our available strength if we do not turn to onewho is able to assist
The Difference Maker can lead us to people he has gifted withknowledge and talent to help us with our specific needs
Family and friendsExpectations for support from family and friends might be a let-down Each of us only knows his own despondency and joysup1⁶
Just as we cannot fully understand how others feel or experiencelife loved ones and friends who genuinely care for our wellbeingdo not always know what to say or do when we express hopelessness
78
It is vital we understand this Otherwise in a fragile state we mightmisperceive their unhelpfulness or distance as lack of love
In their great fear of losing you or normalcy or withunsubstantiated guilt for your despair significant others may reactangrily in a controlling fashion or defensively Your calmestfriends might resort to platitudes and examples of when they weredepressed once and got over it quickly
Forgive them Tell them what you need Ask for what you need Letthem make mistakes We cannot mindread and presume to knowtheir motives either
Mental healthcare professionals
Most of us go to a mechanic to havesomeone with skill fix our car We wouldnot stay long if they started knitting newparts There is nothing helpful to gainfrom opinions without experience or
insight either
79
ldquoWalk with the wise and become wiserdquosup1⁷ Professional mentalhealth caretakers are available almost everywhere whether onlineover the phone or in person Licensing means they have receivedthe necessary training for walking people through uniquechallenges that present with mental illness personality and otherdisorders trauma addiction and relationship dynamics
Two terms frequently confused are psychiatrist and psychologistPsychiatrists are medical doctors (MD or DO) Like all medicalspecialists it is their job to assess symptoms and prescribe a course
80
of action Psychiatrists rarely offer psychotherapy (talk therapy)Office visits are usually about 15 minutes They prescribemedication based on revealed symptoms
Psychologists generally are talk therapists with a doctorate inpsychology (PsyDPhD) Sessions with clients typically run 50-60minutes These sessions may vary in style based on any givendoctorrsquos preferred approach Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)has statistically proven more effective for depression and anxietythan other therapy methods
Licensed therapists may practice within specialties such as traumaor addiction Common abbreviations you may have seen includeLMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist LPC (LicensedProfessional Counselor) LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)There are also LPAs (Licensed Psychological Associates) LifeCoach and Peer Support certificates do not include the advancedtraining required for most therapists unless the individual hassought those degrees as well
Christian counselors and pastorspriestsSome believers insist they must see a Christian counselor Thereare of course different perspectives to this
DW leads a ministry for pastors in need of mental health servicesHe said ldquoI would rather people see [a non-believer therapist] whoknows what he is doing than a Christian who does notrdquo
The titles Christian Counselor or Pastoral Counselor are not anautomatic assumption of extensive training Not everyone isequipped to use the Bible effectively for psychiatric or behavioralhealth issues
81
Because a woman advertised herself as a Christian counselor Iwent to see her Within three weeks I realized her version of faithwas the humanistic concept of a christ-within We are our ownsaviors and deity according to her No that is idolatry notauthentic Christian faith which acknowledges One God one Savior
Except for a single time I have sought licensed mental healthprofessionals who follow Jesus A secular psychiatrist was patientwith my faith until I mentioned hearing from God Then shethought I had lost touch with reality
Both the christ-within counselor and the psychiatrist were limitedbecause they could not understand the most important part of howI think Godrsquos Word is my guide honoring God is my highest goaland listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit is imperative
Your story is not over
Her tattoo seemed meaningless Whywould anyone want a semi-colon onher upper arm Years later I wear asemi-colon ring
As a punctuation mark the semi-colonis placed where a sentence could endbut the author decides to continue Forsuicide attempt survivors around theworld it is a symbol of choosing to liveout onersquos story after wanting to closethe book
Semi-colon commodities are shows of solidarity of hope and for
82
some a reminder We are making our stories known so you toowill realize that hopelessness does not define your futureRegardless of what you may feel hear us Your story is not over Itis time for a new chapter
Godrsquos plan for you
is not done
he has
much to show you
I am glad you are
alive God feels
that way about you
too
We found out it is
true our
lives are
not futile
Dear supports
Job (pronounced jobe) lived about 4000 years ago His story ispreserved in the Bible book titled with his namesup1⁸ Jobrsquosprosperity comfort and high standing role as judge and advisorwere unmatched
In one day Job lost about a third of his farm animals thousands ofthem to robbery and the rest about 7000 to fire Most of hisfarm hands were murdered by the robbers and his shepherds diedin the fire Only three men survived to tell Job what hadhappened
While Job reeled from this disastrous news a fourth man ran up
ldquoMasterrdquo the servant said ldquoyour sonrsquos house collapsed underpowerful winds All ten of your children were inside IhellipI am theonly survivorrdquo
Job sunk to the ground in a daze As was befitting such sadness inhis culture he shaved his head tore his clothes and sat in ashes
Soon he developed from head to toe a ldquoburning ulcerationrdquo of hisskin This illness commonly translated in the plural as boils issingular in the original Hebrew language in which it was recordedMost likely black leprosy swollen open sores turned all his skinblack and crusty until it eventually fell off Job scratched at intenseitching with a broken piece of pottery
His bones deteriorated Nightmares invaded his sleep Hestruggled to eat becoming gaunt and weak ldquoJust curse God anddierdquo his wife said in her own grief
83
People who used to look up to him now mocked him Young peopledared spit in his face The disease was contagious and incurable inJobrsquos time so even his servant responded only when Job begged Hewas humiliated and lonely
Stripped of everything three supports still managed to add to hissuffering
Jobrsquos friends came to visit as soon as they heard the news Shockedthey barely recognized him For seven days and nights they offeredthe kind of support we long for when feeling hopeless In silencethey sat nearby his suffering too great for words
Job spoke first Anguish poured from the pit in his belly Hequestioned the value of his life wondering why he had ever beenborn and why God would not let him die now
ldquoWhat I always feared has happened to me I have no rest onlytrouble comesrdquo he said
Immediately one agitated friend accused him of foolish talkdismissing his emotions as irrelevant compared to propriety
Each piled on
84
ldquoYou sound like a blustering windrdquo
ldquoListen God is doubtless punishing yourdquo
ldquoYour children must have sinned against him so their punishmentwas well deserved toordquo
Invalidation and judgment swallowed compassion whole Theycontinued their drivel ldquoWho are you to question Godrsquos wisdomYou need to be quiet and listen to us If you would only admit yoursin life would be happy againrdquo
In a cruel twist these arguments forced the one who was sufferingto defend his pain Instead of helping or comforting his friendsdragged fragile Job across the burning sands of rejectionfrustration and emotional abandonment
Dear supports learn from these men They were sorely wrong andGod said sosup1⁹
Why platitudes do not helpThe Great Physician and Counselor Jesus Christ heals with thethread of his Word He reaches for the darkest wounds in a humansoul and stitches them precisely and accurately one at a timeThere in the recesses the Word of God is counsel and lightsup2⁰
Three least helpful responses to someone feeling depressed orhopeless are anger and demand absence and fake cheeriness orplatitudes
Sharon inherited her childhood home and immediately tore downthe wall her mother used to bang her head against as a child
85
86
How can telling Sharon to forgive her mother take root if shame isall she has known Help her tear down the reminder wall first thenshe can stop staring at it and listen
Edward carries a full water bottle everywhere to subtly remindhimself he is not drowning when flashbacks threaten to send himinto a panic Why would the advice to have more faith encouragehim when he has never felt safe Give him water bottles first Asfear subsides he will hear the glad message
Aiesha carries a list of affirmations to read when her dadrsquosparalyzing voice creeps into her thoughts telling her she isworthless What will she do with promises of an identity in Christwhen she does not know what an identity is Fill Aiesharsquos emptylove tank first then her functioning heart can learn to see thedaughter God saw as he created her
Supports dare not try to rush the healing process by makingsomeone feel small and inadequate at feeling better Let us notdismiss the Difference Makerrsquos tender provision of patience andtiming
He has the wisdom and means to retrain a crippled thoughtprocess and belief system Meticulously and gently he cleans outand sews up layers of hurt and unhelpful thinking at a speed eachof his children can handle
Warning signs of suicide
From NIMHnihgovThe behaviors listed below may be signs that someone is thinkingabout suicide If these warning signs apply to you or someone youknow get help as soon as possible particularly if the behavior is newor has increased recently
Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill themselves Talking about feeling empty hopeless or having no reason to live Planning or looking for a way to kill themselves such as searching
for lethal methods online stockpiling pills or buying a gun Talking about great guilt or shame Showing despair or suicidal themes in original artwork or music Talking about feeling trapped or that there are no solutions Feeling unbearable pain (emotional pain or physical pain) Talking about being a burden to others Using alcohol or drugs more often Acting anxious or agitated Withdrawing from family and friends Changing eating andor sleeping habits Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge Taking great risks that could lead to death Displaying extreme mood swings from very sad to very calm
happy Giving away important possessions Saying goodbye to friends and family Putting affairs in order making a will
If you support a loved one or friend who struggles withhopelessness it is important to access resources andinformation Be prepared to support them well Gohere and here
87
Prayer to the Difference Maker
For the glory of your name
O Lord preserve my life
Because of your faithfulness
bring me out of this distress
Amen
Psalm 14311
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have the energy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeutic Even baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make your own
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that
Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list
Play music
Set the table
Take a shower
Sit with the family
Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today
Go for a walk with a person or your dog
Eat a healthy meal
Attend participate in a support group
Paint a picture or put a puzzle together
Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor
Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Practical Exercise 6 Live a little
89
Next allow hope
Think about your values as a guide Write downwhat is important to you and keep the list whereyou can see it Each day after you have a choicestick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
Lower your stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
For more ideas visit stress management here
90
Consider climbing these next few steps bottom to top in your search for professional help
If you are in crisis now do not wait Call 911 immediately or go toyour nearest emergency room
5 Feel free to switch You are doing
the hiring Find help not more confusion
1 Pray Ask the Difference Maker
to lead you to the right person Keep
praying even after you are in
sessions
4 Interview therapists Be specific
about what you need Ask a support to
do the interviewing for you if you are
not strong enough
3 Get recommendations for
therapists and doctors if possible
from believers of Jesus who have
received professional help Go here for
a reference page
2 Do not use stigma to
determine what method
of treatment will work
for you Listen to those
in-the-know
91
Envy secretly resents those who have what she wants Hence shecannot reflect the image of God who already owns everything Hehas no reason to envy
7Jealousy and Envy
Some thoughts Why canrsquot I have the family he does She has a dream job must be nice Hersquos had all the advantages I want my co-workerrsquos car Itrsquos not fair I want my wife here with me Who are these ldquofriendsrdquo he keeps talking about
Jealousy and Envy are notidentical Envy is the quiet sisterwhose eyes flit back and forthnever satisfied with who she isor what she has Hungry for theelusive she does not rememberher own blessings Her pursuitof happiness in a thing personor achievement focuses only onthe future
Twin sisters Jealousy and Envy are destructive to our
wellbeing They are intrusive obnoxious and interfere with ourpeace We do well to run the other way when we see these siblingscoming
92
The sister Jealousy robs people and atmospheres of joy Forinstance she might mumble ldquomust be nicerdquo if the object of herjealousy tries to share a happy story She complains bitterly
Jealousy acts possessively when someone she claims to loverefuses her control She makes threats and seeks vengeance Oftensuspicious energized by insecurity jealousy is nicknamed agreen-eyed monster for good reason
The Lord said this about himself ldquoDo not worship any othergod for the LORD whose name is Jealous is a jealous Godrdquosup1 Theword jealous in this verse in the original written language refersonly to God There is no resemblance to human jealousy which isseverely flawed
Godrsquos jealousy is holy He is jealous for us (not of us) because wegive our devotion to things that offer no hope He is not in a rivalryover our souls because he has no rival He is not jealous of anothergod because he is the Only True God He simply wants his people
to honor him to stay in the relationship
Unfortunately jealousy in the human form is unproductiveAccording to James ldquoWhere jealousy and selfish ambition existthere will be disorder and every vile practiceldquosup2 King Solomon alsowarned ldquoA heart at peace gives life to the body but envy rots thebonesldquosup3
Run for your life from the sisters
People are lost in the peripheral when we zero in on what theyhave Are we more drawn to the bling in a home or to the personwho invited us there
93
HumilityThe word humble means to dismiss self-reliance and become fully-dependent on God according to the original written language ofthe New Testament
Joe burned with anger so deep he thought it would kill him Hecried out to God for vengeance and relief from the cause of hispain The Holy Spirit nudged him toward humble willingnessFinally Joe prayed ldquoLord change merdquo
Do we hear what someone is saying or plot how to sound smarter
Are we glad for the friend who has what we want or do we sit backin bitterness
Jealousy and Envy isolate us emotionally keeping us too busycomparing to care Unable to give love fully we cannot receive it
either
Humility Willingness and Love are the Difference Makerrsquosbouncers ready to prevent thoughts of jealousy and envy fromovershadowing our joy
Like Joe humility takes responsibilityfor onersquos heart and refrains fromcasting blame everywhere else Joe washappy to discover his anger gonewithin a few days replaced by mercy
Humility gives us that freedom toexamine ourselves unafraid to setdenial aside Self-protection cannot
94
95
compare to Godrsquos great love Once aware of our need for mercy and his forgiveness we can offer it to others
Paul challenged his readers ldquoIn your relationships with oneanother have the same mindset as Christ Jesus Who being invery nature God did not consider equality with God something tobe used to his own advantage rather he made himself nothing bytaking the very nature of a servant being made in human likenessAnd being found in appearance as a man he humbled himself bybecoming obedient to death mdash even death on a crossrdquo⁴
Willingness is slippery It can be emotional and reactionaryreluctant and resigned or surrendered and devoted Willingness isproven by action
A man had two sons He went to the first and said ldquoSon go andwork today in the vineyardrdquo
ldquoI will notrdquo the boy answered Nonetheless he soon changed hismind and obeyed his father
The man went to his second son and requested he go to thevineyard to work This boy answered ldquoI will sirrdquo and never went
Jesus told the above parable⁵ to challenge stuffy holier-than-thoureligious leaders whose claims to know God were at odds with theirunacceptance of Godrsquos Son They were like the boy who said yesand did not follow through
Meanwhile societyrsquos unreligious outcasts were coming to JesusLike the first son they changed their minds and began doing whatthe heavenly Father asks of us
Love is described best in what many call The Love Chapter⁷ in theBible We learn first that love is kind Love celebrates with thosewho are glad and aches alongside people who are in sorrow⁸
We will never find the selfish sisters Jealousy and Envy trulysharing in a personrsquos joy Instead they smile and squeak out tersecongratulations while sincere love stands proud of theaccomplishments and blessings of others unafraid of their success
Neither do the sisters grieve for the sake of anotherrsquos heart Inworst case scenarios jealousy and envy are glad when people whoseem to have better lives suffer
Continuing with the definition of love we see it does not envy orboast it is not proud God said ldquoLet not the wise boast of theirwisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast oftheir riches but let the one who boasts boast about this that theyhave the understanding to know me that I am the LORD who
Thankfully the Difference Maker is working to change us from theinside-out to grow our willingness so we can join him in his goodpurposes⁶
96
exercises kindness justice and righteousness on earth for in theseI delightrdquo⁹
Love is not rude It respectfully honors others instead of focusing onselfish ambition Love always protects so gossip and assumptionsare not part of our conversations
Love is patient not easily angered It is not delighted with thefailings and miseries of people who do wrong so it does not compilebitter records Instead love trusts and hopes
Trust and hope are not the same as denial and duplicity Lovecelebrates all truth even uneasy truth Love perseveres but doesnot enable addiction abuse or other sins Real love is tough
Too often the term love is equated with sex or a temporary high ofdelight ldquoIf you love me yoursquoll sleep with merdquo is manipulative as isldquoif you make me happy I will love yourdquo These sentiments areproud dishonoring self-seeking unkind and unprotective
Love built on what is given to us or how someone makes us feelhas no foundation and teeters on whether we tire of the gifts andhow soon those warm fuzzy feelings wear off The love of God is notdependent on superficial beauty or favors His love never fails
Jesus said ldquoDo not love the world or anything in the world Ifanyone loves the world love for the Father is not in them Foreverything in the worldmdashthe lust of the flesh the lust of theeyes and the pride of lifemdashcomes not from the Father but from theworldrdquosup1⁰
Take those eyes off the world
97
Humility of attitude willingness to act and sincere love do notstare at what only might be
Picture a lawn overrun by weeds1 Humility realizes the lawn is not so beautiful and no bragging
rights are appropriate2 Willingness pulls the weeds3 It is love that kills the weedsrsquo roots and plants fresh seed
When those weeds growing in our thoughts are jealousy and envythe same principle applies
and lift toward heaven in gratitude for what God has so generouslygiven
Paul admitted ldquoAt one time we too were foolish disobedientdeceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures Welived in malice and envy being hated and hating one another Butwhen the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared he savedus not because of righteous things we had done but because of hismercyrdquosup1sup1
We have much for which to be thankful Gratitude is our escapefrom the sisters
The purveyor of love whose verynature is love the Difference Makerfills us with his perfect brand of loveWe lose the need to control or pursuepersons to drag love out of resistantrelationships or to chase after whatwe think might please us next Oureyes turn from what we do not have
98
100
Prayer to theDifference Maker
Thank You Jesus because you
died for everyone so that we
who receive your new life will
no longer live for ourselves I
want to be one who lives for
You Christ Jesus because You
died and were raised for me
Based on 2 Corinthians 15
100
Example Thought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social event learnto be a good friend Reach out to her in kindness
Do something of value to earn respect speak kindwords to and about him work on honest ways toimprove your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thank Godthose people are comfortable and not hungry orcold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to go outwith your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
Practical Exercise 7 Act Opposite
To keep jealousy and envy from overtaking your relationship withGod and thought life act opposite of how you feel Disappointmenttriggers jealous and envious thoughts What step can you take in theopposite direction
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Next do the amazing
What if you did something so shocking itamazes even you What if you went socounter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things
If you will do it this challenge will shake your world and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it more orto a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarranted criticismit is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of running woulda-if-onlyon a loop how about making the situation into a game
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
These ideas are radical Will you try
101
8Destructive Blame
Some thoughts My childhood was dysfunctional so I cannot succeed If it werent for so-n-
so I would be happy right now You make the decisions-it is your fault if I do not like them People make me lose my temper I will not trust God because church-goers
are hypocrites
Some thoughts My neighborrsquos dog bit me itrsquos my fault for
leaving the house My marriage might have worked if Irsquod done everything better My boss threw a clipboard
because I am a disappointment I should have been a better child and I would
not have been abused
Now we have met the sisters let me introduce the Destructive
brothers Blame and his other brother Blame These two arefishermen with strange styles
Blame 1 is a confused fishermanwho seems to miss the pointCasting generous portions ofblame in every direction it doesnot matter to him where itlands He does not fish with ahook It is not his intention tocatch anything that might endup back in his boat
102
Blame 1 had a difficult past and it is fair to empathize with thatHowever he will not review options He refuses to accept his powerto change His style of fishing is best described as cast cast andcast
Blame 2 is quirkier still He owns a boat but it is so full of catchesthat it will no longer float So he swims grabs what he can anddrags it back to shore
Trouble is he does not catch healthy fish but rather the blame hisbrother is doling out Blame 2 collects it stores it and never castsany of it away His style of fishing is collect whatever floats
Blame 2 has also had a tough life It is appropriate to care about hispains However like his brother Blame 1 he is not very open tochange
While toxic shame does not let go of mistakes destructive blame isabout shifting responsibility
Casting Blame
Casting blame transfers responsibility anywhere except on personalpoor choices This is frequently blatantly obvious
A man questioned a tax consultant about concerns related to his2020 stimulus check from the government He had left his first wifeand children and started a new family Where was his secondcheck ldquoDoesnrsquot the President know I have another family to careforrdquo
The tax consultantrsquos reply was crisp ldquoYou alone are responsiblehelliprdquo
103
Tam came to town for a funeral and claimed to be low on cash Wewere strangers and seeing her plight I invited her stay in myhome for two to three days One week later with a days-longheadache and nerves already jumping over the edge I dropped heroff at the airport
Decades ago she had moved several states away from her familyOn her first visit in years she screamed obscenities at them overher phone for hours a day This was only a few feet from my homeoffice hence the headache She spread lies among her relatives tome to a mutual friend and to my pastor
What I heard was her avoiding responsibility Casting blame feelsgood in the moment because it instantly relieves shame andaccountability It is not sustainable
Casting blame
is an efficient
means of
skipping
guard duty
over onersquos
wellbeing
One reason casting blame is depressive isthat the blamer must work harder andharder at rationalizing or denyingpersonal mistakes and wrongdoingsDepression perhaps is no surprise when apattern of bold-face lying becomes tooheavy a load
Blame conveniently pushes the burden ofchange elsewhere A blamer can rest inthe familiarity of pain although it is theirchief complaint In this way castingblame is an efficient means of skippingguard duty over onersquos wellbeing
104
ldquoFools make fun of guilthelliprdquo King Solomon wrotesup1 John explains
ldquoIf we claim we have no sin we are only fooling ourselvesrdquosup2
Waiting for the world to adjust to our wishes shields us fromseeing flaws in our attitude and behavior This is what blame doesform a blinder around our minds until we are barely free tounderstand the truth
Like Blame 1 cannot leave his boat casting blame keeps us stuck
Blaming GodHigh School senior Jarrad sees himself as a class clownconsistently and excessively talking throughout his classes both in-person and online until everyone is laughing His online teachers
try muting him and he resorts to physical antics
With his screen darkened toother students Jarrad texts themduring class Finally theprincipal steps in with a warningstop it or earn suspension
Jarradrsquos behavior does notimprove One month later hereturns to class with moredisruptive hilarity often at theexpense of teachers
His parents are aware and havedealt with their son However they work all day and Jarrad shrugsoff their discipline Expulsion is the last resort What other optionsremain for the school
105
Jarradrsquos refusal to change his rebellious ways eventually bringsabout his separation from those who try to help The schoolsystem teachers principal and Jarradrsquos parents have notabandoned him While leaders give him multiple opportunities tomaintain his education Jarrad will not have it
God does not throw us away either We have the power to detachfrom him and his influence at great personal cost Our insistence onrebellion weakens the relationship and eventually separates usfrom him Our sins hide his face so that he will not hearsup3
All too often ldquoa personrsquos own foolishness leads to their ruin yettheir heart rages against the Lordrdquo said Solomon⁴ Blaming Godfor difficulties resulting from our poor decisions is futile⁵ Ourungodly desires (thoughts) entice and drag us into sinful acts If weallow sin to blossom and grow large in our life it gives birth todeath⁶ Relationships occupations reputations opportunities andlives are at risk
God disciplines us for our good⁷ Like a child who learned in theprincipalrsquos office not to throw an eraser at her teacher a secondtime (excuse me while I clear my throat) if it takes hardship to getour attention he will allow it This kind of pain is a blessingbecause in his patience he never stops calling us or loving us backto life Solomon wrote ldquoDo not be upset when he corrects you Forthe LORD corrects those he lovesrdquo⁸
Our choices affect other peopleJarradrsquos regular interruptions slow classes down affect theauthority of teachers and frustrate serious students His expulsionis in part for the sake of everyone elsersquos education
106
Godrsquos hand of discipline on our heads may be for the protectionand blessing of other people too Rebellion hurts our parentsrsquofeelings⁹ Acts of foolishness harm societysup1⁰
The commandments to not commit adultery murder steal andthe restsup1sup1 are summed up in ldquoLove your neighbor as yourselfrdquosup1sup2
Love does no harmsup1sup3
Our choices affect our blessingsIf I pray for you to be blessed I am asking God to show you hisdivine favor Blessed is often equated with happiness contentmentor joy
Jarrad is missing out on a good education that we all know wouldgrant him more options in the future In a similar way we take apass on the greatest blessings from heaven by choosing to focus ontemporary feel-good moments Selfishness never fulfills us
The Bible says ldquoBlessed are thosehelliprdquo bull who are poor in spirit (devoid of spiritual arrogance)bull who grievebull who are gentlebull who hunger and thirst for integrity purity and rightness of
thinkingbull who are mercifulbull who are the peacemakersbull who are persecuted for righteousness sakesup1⁴bull who are kind to the poorsup1⁵bull who are not offended by Jesussup1⁶bull whose disobedience is forgivenbull whose lives are lived in complete honestysup1⁷bull whose hope is in the Lord their Godsup1⁸
107
Our choices affect spiritual productivity and growthJesus compared himself to a grapevine God the Father to agardener and us to branches God prunes that is trims backspiritually healthy branches so they will produce even morespiritually healthy fruitsup1⁹
Sometimes this process stings although there is no fear ofcondemnationsup2⁰ God is developing in us in increasing measurehis loving practicessup2sup1
Like a tree or grapevine what we produce will prove our natureWe know Jarrad is not exemplifying personal honor or concern forothers If he allows God to change his thinking he will still struggleto win back peoplersquos trust and supportsup2sup2
Goodness
Trutha tree of life
saving lives
Patience
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Testimony
Spiritually healthy fruitsup2sup3
108
Our choices affect our eternal reward
The Olympics were a big deal in ancient Greece where they firstorganized the competition Winners received crowns made fromplants Of course these shriveled up quickly
Paul spoke of a crown that will notwither Comparing the games and victorycrowns to a spiritual race he said ldquoTheydo it to win a prize that will fade awaybut we do it for an eternal prizerdquosup2⁴
The crown of life is the reward that Godhas promised to those who love himsup2⁵Paul says ldquoI press on to reach the end
of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God throughChrist Jesus is calling usrdquosup2⁶
Bearing in mind all the self-destructive choices we make why dowe blame the Difference Maker when life does not meet ourexpectations
Collecting misdirected blame
Straight up let us admit that innumerable circumstances andconsequences causing our suffering are the fault of others Thisincludes terrible acts people commit against us and how we feelemotionally or physically at that moment
We develop false guilt by accepting accountability for events out ofour control Once an adult what we choose to take in is up to usWe are not helpless
109
A tyrannical boss catches every one of his personal assistantrsquosmistakes and invents a few too He enjoys verbally abusing Mari byberating and mocking her in front of other employees He does nothave to accept responsibility for his decisions gone wrong becauseof his convenient scape goat
Facing this each day creates an atmosphere in which Mari begins toquestion herself Maybe I am clumsy and nit-witted I did notremember to fetch the folder he demanded I misspelled a clientrsquosname
Often misdirected blame is dotted with just enough truth to makeit difficult to weed out
Mari did make a mistake TrueShe has made more than one mistake TrueShe is accused of other mistakes TrueShe is responsible for anything beyond her actual mistakes FalseShe blames herself for her bossrsquos discomfort This is false guilt
AbuseAbuse is taking advantage of someone who is physicallyemotionally psychologically intellectually or in some way unableto stop the abuse In Marirsquos case at first she is unable to stop theverbal abuse because she would lose her job
A woman like Mari who is beginning to believe she is worthy ofharsh reprimand needs some psychological support to recognizethe manipulative lies of her boss She is too full of self-doubt tomeaningfully stand up for herself
Every form of abuse is about power and control Abusers blame lie
110
111
and manipulate to gain and maintain control over their target Asconsummate actors their public appearance is misleading Ifcaught or accused they know how to cry or they cry because theyare not getting their way In religious settings they know thelanguage of the faith and will use it to sound repentant Apologiesare unspecific unless they parrot the accuser
HumiliationPutting down your partner Calling your partner names Constant criticisms Making your partner feel like they are crazy or guilty Humiliating your partner in front of people Embarrassing your partner
Power and
Control
IntimidationYelling or screaming Using a threatening tone Talking down Threatening to hurt yourself or your partner Making your partner feel afraid Tearing up pictures Smashing gifts Destroying objects Slamming doors Throwing things
Treating your partner like a baby
property or servant Making all of the decisions
Having expectations that no one can meet Controlling who
your partner sees or spends time with Setting all the rules in the
relationship
Domination ThreatsSaying you cannotlive with your partner Telling your partner you will leave them somewhere if they do not do what you say Constantly threatening to find someone else Saying yoursquoll commit suicide of you break up
Sexual Abuse
Bragging about your sexual relationship
Making comparisons Flirting to make your partner
jealous Using drugsalcohol to get sex Pressuring your partner
Using emotional abuse to coerce sex Rape
Physical AbuseHolding your partner so they cannot
leave Slamming them intosomething Hiding your partnerrsquos
bruises Grabbing Slapping Hitting Shoving Punching
Kicking Poisoning Drugging
Minimization and Blame
Possessiveness Using jealousy as a sign
of love Accusing your partner of cheating on you Not letting your partner have other friends
Telling your partner how to think dress and act
Not accepting responsibility for your actions Making a
joke when you hurt your partner Telling or showing
your partner everything is their fault Acting like
abuse is ok in the relationship
Every form of
abuse is about
power and
controlhellip Abusers
make their
decision to abuse
Period
In this secret climate misdirected blame is part of the abuse Thespoken or unspoken threat is that the target will look like a liar ifthe truth comes out
Sadly it happens This is one of many complicated reasons targetsmay not leave their abusers soon or at all
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation go to thislist to find help
Make true and empowering statements
Create personal statements Examples
A I cannot control what other people choose to say or do It is notmy job to fix every circumstance
112
Abuse is always yes always thefault full responsibility and sin ofthe abuser
Gross misrepresentations of anabuse victimrsquos role are spoken inignorance He should have foughtback She wasnrsquot dressed rightHe pushed her buttons She wasnagging him He should have metcurfew She shouldnrsquot havemouthed off
Abusers make their decision toabuse Period
B I refuse to carry blame for the crime committed against me ormy family Only the criminal did wrong I did what I was capable ofdoing in the moment which is the best anyone can do in anysituation
C I will not take on the burden of guilt for my friendrsquos addiction Icannot save or fix her No one can She is responsible for seekinghelp and not just begging me for money or a place to stay
D I do not accept the abusers lies that I brought on the abuse Iwill not hate the child or victim-adult I once was for allowing whatI had no power to stop
Whether casting blame or collecting misdirected blame the optionto reach out for fresh perspective and guidance from the DifferenceMaker is always available
The brothers Blame never consider this
And a-fishinrsquo they go
113
Proverbs 205
Prayer to the Difference Maker
The purposes of a personrsquos heart
are deep waters
but one who has insight
draws them out
Please Lord I need your insight
to draw out my motives and
the deep injuries of my soul
so I can understand and change
Based on Proverbs 205
Practical Exercise 8 Find harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time to
study their companion and without criticism show appreciation forthe good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God for whatyou have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blame payattention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize everyone including yourself hasmade mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive as much asGod has forgiven you
This Or This
115
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stoppinganother person (we have no controlover them) Boundaries are about whatwe allow into our circle
Do the following exercise then createyour own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo
4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leave responsibilityfor his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for the consequences oflosing them
What about a situation in your life
Next draw a circle around yourself
116
9Perceived
Dependency Some thoughts If no one pushes me I cannot succeed He says he loves me after he hits me and I cannot be without
him This has been a tough day already I need a drink Irsquoll feel happy only if this job interview goes my way His
approval keeps me going Shersquoll leave if I do not stay sick
Dear Creeper
You are my perceived dependency You have toyed withme since I was young I played the game of hide andseek innocently believing you and the powerful forcesthat drove me to you were normal and right I did notunderstand you are a creeper
Your presence seemed a kind gift an experience forwhich I was grateful Slow and sure you built a templefor yourself in my brain
One day I witnessed the ruin of another of yourconfused devotees and began to fear you Confidencegrew in my power to go on alone Nonetheless yourcajoling stirred memories of when we first met andsoon your promises of the hour defeated caution
I
cared
only
for
how
you
made
me
feel
117
Your lies were soft and comfortable Eventually I believedeverything you offered for my protection No one could persuademe you were not my best friend
Remember how I used to panic when you were not in sightVigorous denial kept me from seeing what was happening I caredonly for how you made me feel
Oh but I see you now my enemy Perceived Dependency youhave never been a friend Joining hands with you in my destructionwas a game of Russian Roulette with unpredictable consequences
So-called dependency was but another deception I could have beenfree To be honest until now you have been my choice I amchanging my mind
You see there is someone real taking your place He is theDifference Maker the Highest Power who is always for me andnever against me
I could say itrsquos not you itrsquos me but this breakndashup is all aboutrunning away from you and into the arms of God
Goodbye from Not-Your-Victim
Co-dependent
Eating Disordered
Money-hungry
Etcetera
Defeatist
118
Stone and wood statues all over the world are praised and offeredgifts to appease whatever god they represent That is literal idolworship Jesus expanded the concept to include anything thatstands between us and full devotion to the One True God An idolthen is anything or anyone we think we cannot live without otherthan God
Perceived dependencies are our masters Not only are they a typeof idol but they are also futile No person can meet all our needsNo substance satisfies for long Compulsions heap unhappyconsequences on an already stressful life Obsessions overrulegood judgment Yet we obey them when they call
Perceived dependency unloads barrels of disappointment on thehuman spirit We create mental scenarios of rescue and if onlydelusions Who will make me happy What will bring relief Weare completely at the mercy of our perceived dependencies unlesswe take our power back
A perceived dependency is theact of giving our power freely toan outside force that once givensuch authority becomes ourmaster source motivation andexcuse
Nothing is easy about aperceived dependency NothingDay to day life is complicated bymaneuvers around the belief thatwhat we need most is missing
Our masters
119
Evie lives in denial As a heroin addict her behaviors are morepredictable than she is aware She is a sweet daughter and lovingmother when sober When she is using everyone runs for coverHer language is vile and abusive She tries to manipulate herdaughter for money
Only one year ago Evie graduated from long-term residentialtreatment She held down a job and visited with her youngchildren She did not separate herself from old companions andsadly relapse came as no surprise to her hopeful and wary familyEvie sacrifices for her obsession all that makes life worth livingcausing great pain in her wake
Evie and Tony
Tonyrsquos longing for love and overwhelming fear of rejection haswelded his self-made cage shut He leans heavily on his wife toreassure him with constant agreement Opposing opinionsthreaten his sense of security so he never asks for her realthoughts
His perceived dependency is the submission of his wife and otherswhile he takes no emotional risks It is clear in this scenario Tonysold his personal power at the cost of true love His wife is captivealso if she plays by his rules
The sad chaos of Eviersquos and Tonyrsquos lives is whythe words of the prophet Isaiah make senseHe said we feed on ashes by looking to an idolto meet our needs A deluded heart misleadsus To our detriment we fail to question ldquoIsnot this thing in my right hand a lierdquosup1
120
Then there is Rhona
Lifting her head from the toilet and sinking to the all too familiarfloor Rhona knew her eating disorder owned her and could endher life She was desperate for freedom
Someone introduced her to a 12-step program of recoveryThough a meeting was an hour away Rhona determinedly andfaithfully traveled to join-in Older members supported herthrough tears and triumph Eventually she had her life back
She does not consider herself free to eat whatever she wantsInstead she is free to choose carefully what will keep her healthyNo longer do certain foods send her spiraling because she avoidsthem completely She will carry safe foods with her to familygatherings and other events
Rhona is not a compulsive dieter her choices are a matter of lifeand death Thirty years later after entering recovery she stillattends meetings
Dr Rhona Epstein became one of the very few experts in foodaddiction and serves as a psychologist helping as many as she canHer book Food Triggers is beneficial to any one of us whostruggle with compulsive behaviors around food
Any willingness to be open to a spiritual
solution is a start -Dr Epstein
121
My son finally convinced me to watchthe Marvel series All of it I havelearned that imaginary superheroesstruggle to learn how and when to usetheir power
Decision-making is not so simple for useither Opting to break away from aperceived dependency is not asstraightforward as Captain Americatossing his shield at a villain andknocking him flat
Yes God has graciously created us with the remarkable power ofchoice Why do we so often risk its loss
It is doable Remember intent does not mean instant success Thefirst step each day is the main one
Have you survived difficult challenges If yes why not againHave other people recovered Why not you
Superpower
Each of us is gifted with a superpower Do the following fivequotes by Jesus reveal it to you
ldquoIf you wanthelliprdquo sup1∙⁵ldquoAnyone who chooseshelliprdquo sup2 ldquohellipif you do not believehelliprdquo sup3ldquoIf you hold to my teachinghelliprdquo ⁴ldquohellipyou were not willingrdquo⁵
122
Relapse
The difference between Evie Tony and Rhona is that Rhonalearned to wield her power of choice in her favor Ask anyone withbroken chains freedom requires complete honesty support andconnection to strength greater than ours
Some say relapse is inevitable No but it is common We return toold destructive habits when we have not permanently structuredour goals around something more meaningful I relapsed with myeating disorder with a long list of excuses My health coachreminds me to see recovery as an investment in what I want toachieve
Ultimately it is finding and living in purpose that brings joy Withwhat will we fill your lives so our obsessions no longer have roomin our heads
Surrender
I mentioned to a woman with a secular belief system that it is aprivilege to be used by God Her negative reaction makes sensebecause my word choice ldquoused byrdquo was skewed
It is fairer to say I am one of Godrsquos volunteers among many Noneof us have had our will removed By faith and experience we knowhis ways are best The more we grasp that the more we want to dofor him Herersquos the clincher we love him because he loves us Yesit is a privilege and source of joy when the Difference Maker worksthrough us to help others in some way
Surrender comes with the understanding that God has more than
123
single personrsquos best interests in mind In that regard he asks usto extend his mercy love and truth when we might rather sit athome in comfort
Should we say yes we will find he is working everything out forour good too In his will (as discussed in chapter 2) weexperience deep satisfaction As always the Difference Makerrsquosapproach is more profound and effective than the worldrsquos wisestphilosophies⁵∙⁵
The complete Serenity Prayer famous for the shortened versionused in 12-step groups points to such surrender
God grant me the SerenityTo accept the things I cannot changeCourage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the differenceLiving one day at a time
Enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardship
As the pathway to peaceTaking as He did
This sinful world as it is Not as I would have itTrusting that He will Make all things right
If I surrender to His willThat I may be
Reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him
In the next Amen
124
125
But God
Accounts throughout the Bible of Gods interactions with humansprove he is the Highest Power At the end of their resourcespeople saw God change everything
The entire earth flooded But God remembered Noah ⁶
Jacobrsquos boss cheated him ldquoBut God has seen your abuserdquo ⁷
Josephrsquos brothers sold him ldquohellipbut God intended it for goodrdquo ⁸
King Saul hunted him down hellipbut God [helped him escape]⁹
People tried to kill Paul But God has protected me sup1⁰
Epaphroditus was ill and almost died But God had mercy onhimsup1sup1
Jesus was nailed to a cross But God raised him from the dead sup1sup2
We are lost for eternity But God demonstrates his own lovehellipsup1sup3
Apostles hadhellip fears within ldquoBut Godhellip comforted usrdquosup1⁴
Helplessness is not always a fact it is a belief Through JeremiahGod said ldquoIf you wanted to return to me you could You couldthrow away your detestable idols andstray away no morerdquosup1⁵ He knowshow much power is available to us ifwe will ask
126
Surrender to the will of God is ultimately the cure to compulsiveaddictive behaviors That does not mean it is easy nor does itguarantee no relapses Jesus said ldquoIt is not the healthy who needa doctor but the sickldquosup1⁶ He is our healer perhaps we do well tofollow his prescription
Let us remember together whatever condition we are in howeverdeeply we are stuck in perceived dependency we do not actuallyneed the person activity substance or compulsion we are focusedon to survive or thrive Our dependence is but a perception Wecan depend on and trust the Highest Power
Whom have I in heaven but youAnd earth has nothing I desire besides you
My flesh and my heart may failbut God is the strength of my heart
and my portion foreversup1⁷
ldquoBut Godhelliprdquo
Recommended
The Life Recovery Bible is special It is the Holy Bible in its entirety with sidebars relating specific scriptures to
recovery These address emotional issues trauma support and much more In addition the Life Recovery
Journal takes the reader through the 12-step process
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Please keep me from deliberate
sins Donrsquot let them control me
Then I will be free of guilt and
innocent of great sin
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you O LORD my
Rock and my Redeemer
Psalm 1913-14
128
128
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsessionTake this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a
dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
Practical Exercise 9 Now What
Spell it out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write outall it has stolen and what freedom will bring This is about you notcasting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praise andgratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is to a realGod who will not only see what you write but who knows your heart
Write a letter (or letters) to yourperceived dependency Do not mail it ifit is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Rome isdirectly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them I highlyurge you to take it in
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
129
Next find a strong
support system
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over time whois healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability to hold yourconfidences Watch them with other people Choose friends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who have seen yourstruggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
130
10Fear
Fear leads to depressive thinking when we give it authority Fear
develops under a threat real or perceived to our wellbeing or thewellbeing of another person
As a mere emotion fear is not a sign of weak character nor does itsignal failure of faith The bravest people are those who feel fearand face it even in small ways Courage is measured by genuineeffort not success or the size of payout Baby steps toward facing
or overcoming any fear are indeed applaudable steps
Some thoughts I promised to attend the meeting but since Irsquoll make a fool of myself Irsquom not going There is no way to know if I can stay safe I do not like people different from me Things are going to get worse Irsquom sure he hates me
131
Not every courageous person looks like one
Examples of couragebull Elderly people venturing out despite impatient drivers and
ridiculous younger people talking down to thembull Children returning to the same school each day where they are
taunted or bulliedbull Families of faith around the world persecuted by authoritiesbull People in suicidal despair reconnecting with living
bull Those living with disabilitybull Those going to work with anxiety migraines fatiguehellipbull Women who leave abusive homes and often face judgmentbull The caretaker of elderly parentsAnd the inspirational list goes onhellip
Facing fear is a choice that mimics the life of our Saviorsup1 Heloved (far) beyond his comfort zone The author of Hebrewswrote rdquoConsider him who endured such opposition from sinnersso that you will not grow weary and lose heartrdquosup2
132
God chooses unlikely heroes
Abigail⁵ was beautiful and intelligent Marriedwhether by choice or arrangement we do not knowher role was to manage her wealthy household withits many servants and obligations serve herhusband Nabal and presumably have his children
Nabal wise in his own eyes and not in many otherswell lived up to his name which meant fool Filledwith greed his harsh demeanor in business and athome proved his self-centeredness No doubt heenjoyed his meanness and the fear of those aroundhim
He
adds
ldquoI am
with
yourdquo
and
stays
God does not whip out a chill ldquodonrsquot be afraidrdquo anddisappearsup3 He adds ldquoI am with yourdquo⁴ and staysBrave people learn from their less-than-bravemistakes (we have all done them) With him at ourside we move forward following the DifferenceMakerrsquos plan for overcoming fear
In those days (about 1100 BC) sheep and goats were money andoften stolen Soon to be king warrior David was on the run fromhis insanely jealous father-in-law King Saul David and his armyof six-hundred men earned what they needed to survive byprotecting the livestock of various towns and farms
It was customary and expected for wealthy landowners to offerprovisions to such protectors Nonetheless when David sent themessage to Nabal ldquoPlease give your servants whatever you canfind for themrdquo only insults were returned
David was ready to end such insolence and with 400 armed menheaded for Nabalrsquos home to kill him and all the males who livedthere
A shepherd ran to Abigail to report this He said ldquoNabal is such awicked man that no one can talk to him Please do what you canrdquo
133
Abigail quickly loaded donkeyswith meat bread wine grainraisins and pressed figs Servantsdelivered them to David
Going against her churlishhusbandrsquos wishes certainly wouldhave brought down his wrath hadshe been caught She risked her
life by confronting angry warriors intent on revenge
David responded to her pleas for mercy thanking her He saidldquoPraise be to the LORD the God of Israel who has sent you today
134
to meet me May you be blessed for your good judgment and forkeeping me from bloodshed this dayrdquo
As an unlikely hero Abigail saved an unknown number of livesThe brave shepherd who informed her shared in the heroism Thenext day when she told Nabal of the drama his heart failed himand he died
God specializes in choosing unlikely people for courageous deedsA few examples among many include an orphan girl-turned queenwho saved her nation (Book of Esther) a child who spoke hardtruth to power (1 Samuel 3) a young slave girl who approached aprincess (Exodus 21-10) and uneducated fishermen who broughtthe gospel to the world though they lost their lives over it(Matthew 418-22)
Despite initial misgivings these people had to decide what kind ofperson they wanted to be One way to face our fears is to answerthe same question
Consider the life and mission of each of the following people Howdo you think they answered the question What kind of person do Iwant to be
Will I risk everything Hee Jinrsquos Grandmother in North KoreaWill I choose life Nick VujicicWill I hold out Irena SendlerWill I let go Elisabeth ElliotWho do I want to face in the mirror tomorrow Dobri DobrevHow will I respond to my greatest regret Victoria RobinsonWill my legacy point to life Jason ReidWill my example set a helpful precedent Marie Meggs
135
Will I believe what I cannot yet see Jo Ann RobinsonWill I keep my eyes on things of Heaven instead of on things ofearth Jessie TendayiWill I come back to God and ask for help when I fail miserablyJim Wahlberg
ldquoWe are having a physical experience in a spiritual worldrdquo ndash Author unknown
Satan distorts and disrupts the truth in attempts to steer us fromGod Human experience is a catalyst for such trickery becausewhat we see and feel seems more real than an invisible God Is heinconceivable though
His power is evidenced in nature⁶ His love has redeemedcountless lives Millions testify to his personal presence We seeGodrsquos promises always come to pass whether spoken throughprophets or other scriptures⁷ We witness his sovereigntythroughout history
Stout faith lets go of control and chooses to obey the proven Godwho shows himself real only to those with the spiritual eyes tosee⁸ In his wisdom he made it impossible for science or
The Difference Maker offers safety in his shelter
philosophy to prove his existence to closedminds⁹ Although faith is not blind it is notsight eithersup1⁰ Faith is the evidence of whatwe do not seesup1sup1
Godrsquos shelter unlike an umbrella or a treenever fails
Towers in fortressed cities ofbiblical times provided safetywhen enemies attacked In ourspiritual battles Godrsquos shelter isthe hiding place
The key is to stay there Psalm 91says to live in his shelter - spendour time there Then he hides usin his shadow as if we were in atower of refuge
This Psalm also tells us what wedo not have to fear
1 Satanrsquos bait setting plot trap (The fowlerrsquos snare)
2 Pandemic disease (Deadly pestilence)3 Dread and the object of dread (Terror of night)4 Seemingly random attacks or dangers coming from
all around deeply personal attacks (Arrows fly by day)5 Disease pandemic that walks about in trouble and in
spiritual unreceptiveness (Pestilence stalking in the dark)6 Destruction coming from violence and devastation in
the middle of the day or in the bright of happiness(Plague that destroys at midday)
7 Wicked people (Lion)8 The Devil (Serpent)
In distress of any kind he rescues us or arms us for the battleWhat is left to fear If God is for us who can be against ussup1sup2
136
We still want to hide from time to time Aloneness is notintrinsically unhealthy Jesus taught But when you prayhellipshutthe door behind youhellipsup1sup3
It is the fear that locks us in that paralyzes the life we wantRemember the Difference Maker sets us up with everything weneed for faith courage and victory In all circumstances we candeclare as King Solomon did ldquoThe name of the LORD is a fortifiedtower the righteous run to it and are saferdquosup1⁴
ldquoFinally be strong in the Lord and in hismighty power Put on the full armor ofGodhelliprdquosup1⁵
Paul used a symbolic reference thepeople of his day would haveunderstood the armor of a Romansoldier Comparing physical war tospiritual ones he first describes whywearing Godrsquos armor is necessary
One our struggle is not against peoplebut against the devil and his spiritualforces of evil Two when we are harassedfor our faith we will resist and standsup1⁶
Wearing Godrsquos armor is a decision wemake each day in faith bearing in mindthe vital meaning of each piece
The Difference Maker offers safety in his armor
137
The Belt of Truth ldquoStand firm then with the beltof truth buckled around your waistrdquo The belt of aRoman soldierrsquos armor was more like a girdle andheld up the breastplate
What is truth Jesus said ldquoIf you hold to myteaching you are really my disciples Then you willknow the truth and the truth will set you freerdquosup1⁷Absolute truth does not change and awareness of itprotects us from lies that cause fear
The Breastplate of Righteousness ldquohellipwith thebreastplate of righteousness in placerdquo The Romansoldierrsquos breastplate held in place only once it wasupheld by the belt
What is righteousness Thinking and acting inways that honor God based on his instructionsthese are righteousness However no human effortalone measures up to Godrsquos holiness
Truth upholds our righteousness as it grows in alife with Christ His righteousness leads our wayinto Godrsquos favor There is no fear of punishment ifour faith is sincerely in the Saviorsup1⁸
Feet Fitted with Readiness ldquohellipand with yourfeet fitted with the readiness that comes from thegospel of peacerdquo Spikes covered the bottom ofRoman soldiersrsquo footwear for climbing over roughterrain and for digging into the earth keepingthem steadfast in hand-to-hand combat
138
What is the gospel of peace and how does it make us ready Thegospel is the good news of Jesus the Messiahsup1⁹ While we arealive there is work to finish Readiness to carry this gospel toothers is part of our victory over fear sup2⁰
Shield of Faith ldquoIn addition to all this take upthe shield of faith with which you can extinguishall the flaming arrows of the evil onerdquo A Romansoldier carried a large oblong four-corneredshield covering much of his body
What is faith It is more than believing in GodEven demons believe in God and shuddersup2sup1Faith is pure trust and confidence that Godmeans what he sayssup2sup2
Jesus said faith is like a tiny mustard seed whichbecomes the largest tree in the gardensup2sup3Pastors teachers the Holy Spirit and personalstudy water and feed the seed Nurturing ourfaith is our responsibility that in time surpassesfear
Helmet of Salvation ldquoTake the helmet ofsalvationrdquo Roman soldiers wore a unique helmetprotecting the top and sides of their head Somehelmets also protected the back of the neck
What is salvation Not only is it rescue from awasted life in the present and an erasure ofeternal damnation but the helmet is also theanticipation of the day we are ushered into
139
heavensup2⁴ Keeping our eyes on the reward this helmet protects
us from turning from the faith due to discouragement doubtand fear
a spectacular display of arrogance and deception The battle ofwords was close-up personal and relentless Each time the devilused his wiles the Son of God expertly wielded his swordsup2⁵
In the heat of temptation aimed straight at our weakest pointsskill at using Godrsquos Word boosts our triumph over fear sup2⁶
Prayer ldquoAnd pray in the Spirit on alloccasions with all kinds of prayers and requestsrdquoRoman soldiers needed supplies stamina andfood and water
What is prayer Jesus gave an examplesup2⁷ thatgoes something like this ldquoOur Father in heavenlet your name be treated with reverence Let your
Sword of the Spirit ldquohellipand the sword of theSpirit which is the word of Godrdquo Roman soldierspossessed three sharp weapons a dagger-sized shortsword a spear and a long sword Paul used the shortsword for his comparison to the Word of God
Why a small weapon Satan tempted Jesus in
kingdom come let your will be done on earth as it is in heavenGive us this day our bread for tomorrow and forgive us ourdebts as we also have forgiven our debtors Lead us not intotemptation but deliver us from the evil one for yours is thekingdom and the power and the glory forever Amenrdquo
140
This prayer acknowledges God makes various requests yields to his will and in faith believes all is possible because he is God
and wear his armor daily we will stand with the brave who say Itis scary out there and the Difference Maker goes with me
Godrsquos armor is not intended as a shell to crawlinside Neither is his shelter a place to isolatefrom the world
Fear is fed by our focus When the daycomes that we learn to rest in Godrsquos shelter
141
Prayer to the Difference Maker
When I am hard pressed I cry
to you Lord You bring me into
a spacious place You Lord are
with me I will not be afraid
Based on Psalm 1185-6
143
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in yourpocket Feel it when anxieties and otherpressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
Practical Exercise 10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions andimpulsive thoughts or prevents them fromrising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can behelpful to avoid anxiety attacks or panic orto use during anxiety and panic attacks
143
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing reminders thathe is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics will inspireyou God Will Make a Way
By a roadway in the wilderness Hell lead meAnd rivers in the desert will I seeHeaven and Earth will fade But His word will still remainAnd He will do something new todayGod will make a wayWhere there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot seeHe will make a way for meHe will be my guideHold me closely to His sideWith love and strength for each new dayHe will make a way He will make a way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in apublic place with little opportunity to walk awaypractice sign language or write the names of peopleyou care about in the air discreetly below your waistFiddle with anything that requires your full attentionlike word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worrylater Keep a notebook and pen handy Thenext time anxiety is triggered or could bewrite the concern down and lay it aside Set adate or time to address the issue perhapswith a safe person
144
Next Retrain your thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
145
Now may the God of peace
who through the blood of the
eternal covenant brought back
from the dead our Lord Jesus that
great Shepherd of the sheep equip
you with everything good for doing
his will and may he work in
us what is pleasing to
him through Jesus Christ to
whom be glory for ever and ever
Amen
APPENDIX
147
Terms page 148
A Word About Medication page 149
Bible References page 152
Photos and Other Credits page 155
Collection of Chapter Exercises plus BONUS Exercises page 159
Blank Pages for Notes page 182
Terms - Links
BibleGodrsquos Word
Christ Jesus Christ Christ Jesus
Christian
The Difference Maker= God
Faith
Fear of God
Holy
Jesus
Original languages used to write the Bible
Types of mental health professionals
Repentance
Resurrection
Righteousness
Sin
Trinity
148
An ongoing debate in faith arenas over the use of medications for
mental health particularly depression and anxiety leavesconfusion in its wake Myths about this type of medical therapyabound
Myth 1 Medications cover up spiritual problems Thesedrugs do not create happiness They cannot force introspectionrelief from guilt or wisdom on a person any more than insulinprevents someone with diabetes from eating a candy bar
If behaviors and circumstances that helped to create a mentalhealth need do not change the problem may persist No pill willcorrect poor thinking permanently erase memories of trauma endabuse or change a sinful heart
Medications prepare a brain to function as intended Once stablethe patient can choose to learn wisdom and pursue God or not
Myth 2 Mental illness is a myth No All mental illnesses aredisorders In other words something is wrong with a personrsquosability to function normally due to mental processing Medicationis often necessary to save a life Many chronicled symptoms giveprofessionals an excellent idea of how to diagnose mental illness
Everyone experiences down days massive grief and even
149
A Word About Medication
depressive thoughts It becomes a disorder when a person cannotfunction normally keep healthy relationships or overcome theseemotions
Myth 3 All psychiatrists do is throw pills at youPsychiatrists are medical doctors and specialists It is their job toprescribe medication based on revealed symptoms Appointmentsare typically about 15 minutes Very few offer talk therapy (whereaspsychologists generally do)
A psychiatrist may recommend hospitalization or insist a clientmove to a higher level of care such as to an IOP (IntensiveOutpatient Program) These are professional therapeutic programsthat occur throughout the week in half or full days
Myth 4 Psychiatric medications do not work It is true
150
sometimes they do not Six reasons for this have nothing to dowith the medications themselves
A A patient does not take the medication as prescribed or isnoncompliant and refuses itB A patient refuses recommended co-treatments such as talktherapyC The patient quits too soon Unfortunately it may take weeksand even months to discover the one that works best for aspecific person Dosages may also need readjustmentsD The patient is unable to convey symptoms clearlyPrescriptions based on incomplete information will likely be lesseffectiveE Affordability lack of insurance parity interference fromfamily members and more may disrupt proper treatmentcreating any of the above issues
ldquoJesus is the only one with perfect brain chemistry and nopsychological issues Every other human has somepsychological dysfunctionhellipPsychological Science is simplyunderstanding how God designed our mind to work and thenlearning how to maximally steward our mind for His glory andour fulfillment in Himrdquo
F Misdiagnosis by a doctor This is especially a problem whennon-psychiatric doctors prescribe psychiatric medications
Myth 5 Medications hurt people Safety may be compromisedif medication is not taken as prescribed The wrong medication toocan adversely affect a person Rumors about how often this occursare exaggerated
For most people a combination of medication and talk therapy hasproven most effective For those who receive professionaltreatment 80 go on to live more satisfying lives
If medication corrects brain dysfunction and allows one to developa richer life with Christ (and it has for me) then using medicationis good stewardship of onersquos capabilities Some takeaways from themission statement of Lighthouse Network agree
151
For a deeper look at therapy and medicationsfrom a Christian point of view go to Is It Ok for aChristian to Take Anti-depressants
Chapter
1 The Difference Maker
2 Self-doubt
3 Toxic Shame
4 Self=loathing
Bible References
152
sup1Exodus 1414 sup2Matthew 1128-29 sup3Romans 122 ⁴James 117 ⁵1 John 15 ⁶John 87⁷Romans 623 ⁸2 Thessalonians 17-10 ⁹Ephesians 24-9 NIVsup1⁰Romans 810-18 sup1sup1Psalm 2911 sup1sup2Ephesians 3 14-19
sup1Proverbs 46 -7 sup1∙⁵2 Samuel 111-1225 sup2Psalm 139 23-24sup31 Kings 39 ⁴ Hebrews 511-14niv ⁵Psalm 328niv⁶2 Timothy 316 ⁷2 Peter 120-21 ⁸2 Timothy 316-17niv⁹Mark 1224 sup1⁰1 Corinthians 1433nkjv sup1sup1Hebrews 116sup1sup2 2 Corinthians 317-18 sup1sup3Matthew 633 sup1⁴James15-7sup1⁵Psalm 4610 sup1⁶Deuteronomy 323-4 sup1⁷Exodus 314
sup1Genesis 127 sup2Psalm 84-6 sup3Isaiah 558 ⁴James 39-11 ⁵Ephesians 210 ⁶Psalm 13913⁷2 Corinthians 517 ⁸ Lamentations 322-23 ⁹1 John 31
sup1⁰James 223 sup1sup1 John 1515 sup1sup2Psalm 2710sup1sup3John 10 27-30 sup1⁴2 Corinthians 128-10
sup1Luke 2342-44 sup2 Psalms 34 sup3Micah 718-19 ⁴ Ephesians 317-19 ⁵Psalm 10311-12 ⁶ Psalm 4421⁷Psalm 10314 ⁸ Proverbs 37-8 ⁹Matthew 523-24sup1⁰Luke 2334 sup1sup1Acts 759-60 sup1sup1∙⁵Acts 81sup1sup2Acts 83 sup1sup3 Acts 2022-24 sup1⁴ Philippians 35-14 sup1⁵Psalm 345 sup1⁶2 Corinthians 1314
sup1Exodus 341014 sup2James 316 sup3Proverbs 1430 ⁴Philippians 23-11 ⁵Matthew 2128-32 ⁶Philippians 212-14⁷1 Corinthians 134-8niv ⁸Romans 1215 ⁹Jeremiah 923-25sup1⁰1 John 215-16 sup1sup1Titus 33-5
Chapter
5 Extreme Conclusions
6 Hopeless
7 Jealousy and Envy
153
sup1Matthew 71 sup2Matthew 2537-40 sup3Luke 311⁴Matthew 547niv ⁵Matthew 543-44 ⁶Matthew 712⁷Luke 1030-37 ⁸Numbers 1911-16niv and Leviticus 211-4 10-12niv⁹ 1 Corinthians 1312 sup1⁰Matthew 73-5 sup1⁰∙⁵Luke 1135-36sup1sup1Matthew 1916-26 sup1sup2Matthew 624 sup1sup3Isaiah 714sup1⁴John 11sup1⁵ Verses 4 23 Throughout his ministry people had trouble giving up old beliefs andfully grasping what Jesus was saying In John 11 we see him telling his disciples thatLazarusrsquo illness will not result in death that this situation will bring glory to God (likethe healing of the man born blind which they witnessed John 9) He informs Martha thatLazarus will be raised by him (In the original language the word used when he saysldquoLazarus will liverdquo means raised from a lying down position- raised from the dead)
sup1⁶ Verses 3328 Some traditional versions say Jesus was deeply moved or troubled
Jesus was agitated or angry wanting to instruct everyone and perhaps restrain thefaithless talk around him He waited and instead allowed his prayer and the results tospeak for themselvessup1⁷Psalm 11996 sup1⁸1 Samuel 167 sup1⁹ Mark 1427-31sup2⁰ Mark 14 66-72 sup2sup1John 201-10 sup2sup2 John 211-19sup2sup3Acts 413 sup2⁴2 Corinthians 47 sup2⁵James 116-18
sup1Isaiah 4318-19 niv sup2Psalm 3418 sup3Psalm 1213⁴Genesis 1611-13 ⁴∙⁵ Job 395-8 ⁵Nehemiah 919-20⁶Psalm 119140 ⁷Psalm 1361-3 ⁸Psalm 1437-8⁹Ruth 11-22 and 413-17 sup1⁰Psalm 3121-23 sup1sup12 Corinthians 75-7sup1sup22 Kings 1819 sup1sup31 Kings 1819 sup1⁴Psalm 1391-12sup1⁵Matthew 1029 sup1⁶Proverbs 1410 sup1⁷Proverbs 1320sup1⁸ Book of Job sup1⁹Job 427-9 sup2⁰Psalm 119130
sup1Proverbs 149-10 sup21 John 18 sup3 Isaiah 59 1 2
⁴ Proverbs 193 ⁵James 113 ⁶James 114-15
⁷ Hebrews 1210 ⁸Proverbs 311-12 ⁹Proverbs 1721
sup1⁰ Proverbs 2210 sup1sup1Exodus 201-17 sup1sup2Mark 1228-31
sup1sup3Romans 139-10niv sup1⁴Matthew 53-10 sup1⁵Psalm 411
sup1⁶Matthew 116 ESV sup1⁷Psalm 321-2 sup1⁸Psalm 1465sup1⁹John 151-5 sup2⁰ Romans 81 sup2sup12 Peter 13-9sup2sup2Proverbs 1130
sup2sup3Ephesians 51-20 Galatians 522-23 Proverbs 1031
sup2⁴1 Corinthians 924-25 sup2⁵James 112 sup2⁶Philippians 314
154
Chapter
8 Destructive Blame
9 Perceived Dependency
sup1 Isaiah 4420 sup1∙⁵ Matthew 1921nlt sup2 John 717sup3 John 824 ⁴ John 831-32 ⁵Matthew 2337⁵∙⁵1 Corinthians 120 ⁶Genesis 81 ⁷Genesis 3142⁸Genesis 5020 ⁹1 Samuel 2314 sup1⁰Acts 2622sup1sup1Philippians 227 sup1sup2Acts 224niv sup1sup3Romans 58nivsup1⁴2 Corinthians 75-7niv sup1⁵Jeremiah 41 sup1⁶Mark 217sup1⁷Psalm 7325-26niv
10 Fear
sup1Hebrews 122 sup2Hebrews 123 sup3Matthew 281-10 ⁴Matthew 2820 ⁵1 Samuel 251-38 ⁶ Romans 120 ⁷1 Kings 856-57 ⁸1 Corinthians 210-16 ⁹1 Corinthians 121sup1⁰2 Corinthians 57 sup1sup1Hebrews 111 sup1sup2Romans 831sup1sup3Matthew 66 sup1⁴ Proverbs 1810 sup1⁵Ephesians 61011sup1⁶Ephesians 611-13 sup1⁷ John 831-32 sup1⁸Romans 81-16sup1⁹Ephesians 51 sup2⁰ 2 Corinthians 518-19 sup2sup1James 219sup2sup2Romans 1017 sup2sup3 Matthew 1331-32sup2⁴1 Thessalonians 58-9 sup2⁵Matthew 41-11 sup2⁶Hebrews 512-14 sup2⁷Matthew 69-13
Chapter
1
2
3
4
Photos and Other Credits
Face in the mirror page 40 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped Artist page 44 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Church page 28 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJames Ryan quote page 31 from The National Association for Christian Recovery Four Kinds of Moral Inventory httpswwwnacrorgcenter-for-12-step-recoveryfour-kinds-of-moral-inventoryGirl praying page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NDcropped and manipulatedWriting hand page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredOxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes page 32httpsindianriveraaorgPDFTHE20FOUR20ABSOLUTESpdfScottish Proverb page 32 Confession Is Good For The Soul - Christian Devotions for Daily Living - DevotionscomCross page 32 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped
155
Man with net page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC rock overlaidRock page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCGirl page 14 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Billy Graham quote page 16 from Video Billy Graham httpswwwfacebookcomryanthompson100videos10158050555419605UzpfSTEyOTE4OTc5NDU6MTAyMTY5MTQzNDAwMzI3MTkFlame page 17 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC manipulated Jar page 26 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND
Chapter
5
6
156
Train page 49 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredTrain page 50 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredWounded man scene page 52 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND cropped recolored manipulatedCamel page 54 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYSAAbout Sadducee beliefs page 54 Camels Needles and the Question of Money retrieved on November 5 2020 from httpsallofitagainwordpresscom20170518camels-needles-and-the-question-of-money-colinTrain page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYN recoloredCurved path page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recoloredLazarusrsquo feet page 58 freebibleimagescomTrain tracks page 59 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCrecoloredTrain page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredExam paper page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredRooster page 61 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Jesus page 74 freebibleimagescomArahant Mental Wellness page 76 Treating Depression with TMS Aimed at the Brainrsquos Prefrontal Cortex httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortex Healthline page 76 The Effects of Depression on the Brain What Is Depression httpswwwhealthlinecomhealthdepressioneffects-brainHow-Can-Treatment-Change-the-Brain Figure 1 Page 76 httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortexEric W Dolan page 76 In depressed people the medial prefrontal cortex exerts more control over other parts of the brain Psypostcom Mental Health June 19 2017 httpswwwpsypostorg201706depressed-people-medial-prefrontal-cortex-exerts-control-parts-brainSemicolon tattoo page 81 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredProject Semicolon page 81 httpswwwfacebookcomprojectsemicolonMug page 82 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDrecolored
Jealousy and envy sisters page 92 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped manipulated recoloredHeart page 94 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredJesus and man page 96 freebibleimagescom recoloredWeeds page 98 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recolored
Necklace page 82 from httpswwwamazoncomproject-semicolon-jewelrysk=project+semicolon+jewelryPage 83 Black leprosy also called elephantiasis because the skin begins to look like elephant skin Jobs Disease By Louis Rushmorehttpswwwgospelgazettecomgazette2005janpage15htmJob and friends page 84 freeBibleimagescomGirl and woman page 86 This Photo by Unknown Author licensed under CC BY-NDWarning Signs of Suicide page 87 httpswwwnimhnihgovhealthtopicssuicide-preventionindexshtmlpart_153177Stairs page 91 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped and manipulated recolored
Chapter
6 continued
7
8
157
Boater and swimmer page 102 These Photos by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recolored ndash 2 pictures together both under same license Greek Olympics page 109 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredPower and Control Wheel page 111 from httpswwwtheagapecafecomFishing pole page 113 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredCouples page 115 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDand This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Chapter
9
10
158
Girl page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC cropped recoloredFloating money page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCrecolored croppedDice page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY 20 recolored croppedAshes page 120 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJesus and people page 122 freeBibleimagescomCaptain American cover page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredCaptain America Shield page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredSerenity Prayer photo page 124 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYCartoon man with weights page 125 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredSupport Group scene page 130 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND cropped recolored
Donkey page 133 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAUmbrella Woman page 135 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCWoman in shadows page 136 freeBibleimagescomArmor page 137This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCBreastplate page 138This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDBelt page 138 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDShield page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAHelmet page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCSword page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCPraying hands page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDTurtle page 141 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCLeaf page 143 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCRubiks cube page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SACalendar page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC
Collection of the Chapter Exercises
Plus Bonus Exercises
159
1 Make the Thought Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use anap even though a minute earlier you were not tired This is atype of thought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bedthe visual automatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom whereand why of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take thetime to complete the following exercise (for each thought habit)and you will be surprised at the worthwhile outcome
1 What consistent triggering event and response doyou experience
________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
_________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
160
3 What is your thought-habit
_____________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_____________________________________________(Example l feel content)
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchange your triggerrsquosassociation from gloomy to what generally rightens your mood
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with things you love move thebed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularly for foot rubs sayingprayers or texting jokes to your friends
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of the space with openblinds worship music or a self-starting coffee maker (Avoidtexts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
_________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
161
7 What action will you take next time this triggeringevent occurs
________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts Episodes ofdepression anxiety or other mental health challenges may followa pattern or cycle
BONUS EXERCISE Exchange News and Social Media for Books and Face-to-face Conversation
A sense of aloneness and anxiety might come from a lack of eye-to-eye contact and conversation and an overload of news reports
Especially before going to bed turn off all the negativity and pickup a good book During the day make plans with a friend to visitover coffee even if you must be socially distanced
Do this for two weeks and you will feel the results
2 Use Pros and Cons for Good Judgment
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible orask a mature follower of Christ to see if there is already ananswer given Step three Be brutally honest with all the pros andcons of your options
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
162
Remember Who Has All the Answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottle wherever it will catch somelight Keep it open and have slips of paper and pen available
Write down your unanswered questions doubts about yourselfand any other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside the jar is a great problemsurrounded by shadows and light By faith we can accept that wedo not see all or have all the answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimes shoot out of your jar Thisrepresents the endless wisdom and love of God to which we caneach cling Somehow good is going to come of what we do notunderstand
163
BONUS EXERCISE Sleep Hygiene for a Healthy BrainFrom adaaorg
bullKeep a regular sleep schedule Go to bed around the same timeeach nightbullDo not eat a heavy late mealbullWatch TV in a room other than your bedroombullTurn the TV off 30 minutes before bedtimebullPut down the electronics 30 minutes before bedtime The screeneven on dim mode can still be stimulating to the brain via theeyes
3 Examine the Evidence for Shame
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes to one of thequestions on the left you have a newday in the court of your mind Checkout the corresponding links on theright
164
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Secure Your Release From Toxic Shame
165
BONUS EXERCISE Incorporate Self-care
From successcom
Self-care is different for each person Examples of self-careinclude making a healthy smoothie before work going for a longwalk at lunch spending time laughing with your spouse beforebed going on an adventure drive relaxing at the beach calling afriend or taking a long bubble bath The type of self-care doesnrsquotmatter as much as the effect It should make you feel like yoursquoretaking care of yourself in a way that combats toxic shame self-loathing anxiety depression and stress Carve 20 minutes intoyour day for self-care
4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a gamesomething with a little challenge in it to help make a thoughtexchange So I made one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automaticallyspeak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourselfnames Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friend
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might make youcringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
BONUS EXERCISE Write Your Biography
Write stories from your life using only positive descriptive wordsabout yourself It doesnrsquot have to seem true at first Keep at it
166
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look aboutyou and write down all you have accomplished in the last 24hours (You read this page right That is one) No matter howsmall you think the accomplishment it is evidence to the contraryof never do anything right
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved onesto marketers to abusers messages given us as children and oldercan come from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable ofrealistic insight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged falsenegative core beliefs of their own Are they suggestible andreactionary with their emotions Are they knowledgeable andwise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
BONUS EXERCISE Mirror Mirror
Look yourself in the eye and say ldquoI am loved I am lovablerdquoRepeat
167
Test Messages and Messengers
5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
168
Keep
working
169
Know When to Say Yes for a Most-fulfilling Life
Knowing what is of utmost importance to you will help preventmisdirected drive
1 Take time to list all your current obligations This will includefamily friends job financial expenditures physical healthmental health spiritual goals what God has asked of you andanything that you must finish
2 Look realistically at the above Is there anything that does notfit within your daily availability finances emotional energy orphysical capabilities
3 Is there anything you can remove from this list Ask for Godrsquoswisdom
What remains are yesses With rare exceptions everything else isa no Each time you agree to secondary activities expenses orobligations you are trading-in and saying no to something (orsomeone) you more highly value
BONUS EXERCISE Have a Routine
Sometimes when emotions run our decision-making we needsomething stable to help us stay on track with what it is we want
On your calendar mark a morning routine and a bedtimeroutine Set alarms on your phone for meals and meds Schedulefree time so your calendar does not own you
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have theenergy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeuticEven baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make yourown
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list Play music Set the table Take a shower Sit with the family Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today Go for a walk with a person or your dog Eat a healthy meal Attend participate in a support group Paint a picture or put a puzzle together Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Lower Your Stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
6 When You Feel Hopeless Live a Little
170
Allow Hope
Think about your values as a guide Write down what is importantto you and keep the list where you can see it Each day after youhave a choice stick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family
I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
BONUS EXERCISE Prevention
Lack of motivation and finding no pleasure in pleasurable activitiesare two of the classic symptoms doctors look for to diagnosedepression An enjoyable activity serves a preventative role
Make a 9rdquo x 9rdquo paper circle List around the circle activities youenjoy and activities you want to try Ring a paper clip over a penciland plant the pencil in the middle of your circle Spin the paper clipThe activity it points to is what you do for this day Another circlewith names can select whom to invite to join in the activity
171
172
ExampleThought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social eventlearn to be a good friend Reach out to her inkindness
Do something of value to earn respect speakkind words to and about him work on honestways to improve your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thankGod those people are comfortable and nothungry or cold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to goout with your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
7 Act Opposite
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Do the Amazing
What if you did something so shocking it amazes even youWhat if you went so counter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things If you will do it this challenge will shake yourworld and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it moreor to a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the Script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarrantedcriticism it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of runningwoulda-if-only on a loop how about making the situation into agame
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
173
8 Find Harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time
to study their companion and without criticism show appreciationfor the good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God forwhat you have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blamepay attention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize that everyone including yourselfhas made mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive asmuch as God has forgiven you
174
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stopping another person (we have nocontrol over them) Boundaries are about what we allow into ourcircle
Do the following exercise then create your own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leaveresponsibility for his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for theconsequences of losing them
What about a situation in your life
Draw a Circle Around Yourself
175
176
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsession
Take this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool
httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
9 Now What
Spell It Out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write out all it has stolen andwhat freedom will bring This is about you not casting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praiseand gratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is toa real God who will not only see what you write but who knowsyour heart
Write a letter (or letters) to your perceived dependency Do notmail it if it is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Romeis directly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
177
Find a Strong Support System
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over timewho is healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability tohold your confidences Watch them with other people Choosefriends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who haveseen your struggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
178
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in your pocket Feel it whenanxieties and other pressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions and impulsive thoughts orprevents them from rising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can be helpful to avoid anxietyattacks or panic or to use during anxiety and panic attacks
179
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing remindersthat he is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics willinspire you God Will Make a Way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in a public placewith little opportunity to walk away practice sign language orwrite the names of people you care about in the air discreetlybelow your waist Fiddle with anything that requires your fullattention like word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worry later Keep anotebook and pen handy The next time anxiety is triggered orcould be write the concern down and lay it aside Set a date ortime to address the issue perhaps with a safe person
BONUS Keep Your Mind Busy With Purpose
180
For ideas about purposeful activities and meaningfulrelationships during pandemic isolation see my free e-bookStay at Home and Thrive
Retrain Your Thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
181
182
Notes
Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in himYour roots will grow down into Godrsquos love and keep youstrong
And may you have the power to understand as all Godrsquospeople should how wide how long how high and how deephis love is May you experience the love of Christ though it istoo great to understand fully Then you will be made completewith all the fullness of life and power that comes from Godsup1sup2
God is love
I will give you a new heart and put anew spirit in you I will remove fromyou your heart of stone and give youa heart of flesh Ezekiel 3626niv
If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son ofGod God lives in them and they in God And so weknow and rely on the love God has for us God islove 1 John 415-16niv
He cares about broken hearts He heals the brokenheartedand binds up their wounds
Psalm 1473niv
You LORD hear the desire of theafflicted you encourage them and youlisten to their cry Psalm 1017niv
He is with us during depression
He offers inside-out change
9
Godrsquos power is at work Now to him who is able to doimmeasurably more than all weask or imagine according to hispower that is at work within us tohim be gloryhellip Ephesians 320-21niv
I say to myself ldquoThe LORD is myinheritance therefore I will hope inhimrdquo -Jeremiah Lamentations 324
He offers eternal hope
He offers joy I came that they may have and enjoy life andhave it in abundance -Jesus John 1010amp
This is not a God will fix you book It is a door that opens into thediscovery of biblical solutions you may not know exist
This is also not a miracle-cure book The miracle is the DifferenceMaker and how he lifts you above depressive thoughts
10
12
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord you teach
ldquohellipwhatever is true
whatever is noble whatever
is right whatever is pure
whatever is lovely whatever
is admirablemdashif anything is
excellent or praiseworthymdash
think about such thingsrdquo
Help me Lord to change my
depressive thoughts
Based on Philippians 48
___________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
1 What consistent triggering event and response do youexperience
___________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
Practical Exercise 1 Make the Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use a napeven though a minute earlier you were not tired This is a type ofthought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bed the visualautomatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Begin noticing what runs through your brain in different situationsHow do certain thoughts make you feel
If you are uncertain how to answer the last question try this quickexperiment Think for 30 seconds on this yearrsquos news and noticeyour emotions Now focus on your favorite memory for 30 secondsIn which direction did your feelings travel when you changed theseintentional thoughts
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom where andwhy of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take the time tocomplete the following exercise (for each thought habit) and you willbe surprised at the worthwhile outcome
12
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchangeyour triggerrsquos association from gloomy to whatgenerally rightens your mood
3 What is your thought-habit
_______________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_______________________________________________(Example l feel content)
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with thingsyou love move the bed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularlyfor foot rubs saying prayers or texting jokesto your friends Avoid texts from work oropen them elsewhere)
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of thespace with open curtains worship music or a self-startingcoffee maker (Avoid texts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
__________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
13
7 What action will you take next time this triggering eventoccurs
__________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts More seriousepisodes of depression anxiety or other challenges may follow apattern or cycle Ideas throughout the following chapters can helpcreate new thinking patterns to replace negative thought habits
14
2Self-Doubt
Her eyes climb sparkling windowpanes to the tenth floor as she
stands frozen facing the entrance to an imposing office buildingAudrey has researched this job opportunity for days Do I knowenough Her binder is loaded with documents What did I forgetHer attire is professional I should have worn those other shoes
A woman walks past carrying a briefcase She looks put-togetherWhat if she is applying Audrey has recently earned a degree thefirst in her family to finish college But it is only a bachelorrsquos and Ihave no experience She catches her reflection in the glass doorsIrsquom too young
Finally Audrey caves What was I thinking They will never hireme This was a mistake Irsquom going home
Some thoughts My judgment is questionable Is this the right decision Am I good enough No one will take me
seriously I do not know if I am making a difference Fears of rejection and failure are paralyzing
ldquoGet Wisdomrdquo
[Godrsquos] still on the throne And those of us who know him putour trust in him and him alone I donrsquot put my trust in
15
ldquoGet wisdomrdquo is the challenge King Solomon of ancient Israel gaveto his son ldquoThough it cost all you have get understandingrdquosup1 Iwonder if his urgency was inspired by the story of his parentsKing David and Bathshebasup1∙⁵
Get wisdom from believers who listen to the Holy Spirit King David took another manrsquos wife Bathsheba and killed theman God detested this terrible deed and David knew it Drowningin lies and excuses he lived in total denial
Nathan the prophet listened to Godrsquos Holy Spirit and called David
Washington I donrsquot put my trust in the United Nations I donrsquotput trust in myself I donrsquot put my trust in my money I put mytrust in the Lord Jesus Christ When all the rest of it fails andcrumbles and shatters Hersquoll be there - Billy Graham
16
Reliance on
Godrsquos wisdom
means our
judgment is
not our only
resource
Self-doubt traps us between fear andfailure Trusting God to show us what todo may seem contradictory to our goal ofthinking for ourselves with confidence Ofcourse we are not created conformists orrobots
Nonetheless we cannot know more thanwe know Reliance on Godrsquos wisdommeans our judgment is not our onlyresource Even when we do not know thewhere what why or how ofcircumstances we never have toquestion Gods ability to lead
out on his rationalizing Truth hit David hard Hebroke down His tears of grief were not only regretbut repentance
Repentance is a combination of sorrow oversinning (wrongdoing) against God and a turningaway from those sins David later wrote in such away it is evident he changed direction His prayeris one we can repeat
Solomon became king remembering his fatherrsquoslessons Above long life riches or militaryvictory he prayed for an understanding mind anddiscerning heart to know the difference betweenright and wrongsup3
Growth and discernment are natural results of asincere and disciplined relationship with JesusAge and many years in the church do notguarantee this Spiritually mature believers havedeeper understanding of sound judgment becauseby constant practice they have trainedthemselves to distinguish good from evil⁴ Thereis much to be said for such experience
A man thanked a boy for giving him directionsadding ldquoIrsquom the new pastor Come to church
17
ldquoSearch me O God and know my heart test meand know my anxious thoughts Point outanything in me that offends you and lead mealong the path of everlasting liferdquosup2
Sunday and Irsquoll show you how get to heavenrdquo
The boy was skeptical Awww come on You dont even know theway around town
God promises ldquoI willhellip teach you in the way you should gordquo⁵ LikeNathan God still appoints people who listen to the Holy Spirit tospeak truth
The better part of wisdom is admitting when we have reached theend of what we know and humbly asking for directions
Get wisdom from the Holy BibleGodrsquos Word is not merely words on paper All Scripture is God-breathed according to Paul⁶ None of it is false
No prophecy or book in the Bible came from the writerrsquos initiativeor human understanding There is but one author God People likePaul who wrote profound letters were moved by the Holy Spirit⁷
Paul continues by saying the Bible is useful for correcting andtraining so servants of God (believers) will be thoroughlyequipped for every good deed and ministry⁸ He strongly impliesthat without such correction and training we will not have thenecessary tools to do Godrsquos work
Several hyper-religious hypocrites tried to trap Jesus with loadedquestions In one incident Jesus replied ldquoAre you not in errorbecause you do not know the Scriptures or the power of Godrdquo ⁹
Jesus could not be tricked into a defensive position because heknew the Word of God intimately He understood the heart of it
18
because he knew the Father so well If we are not studying thebook we will find ourselves floundering So often we leaveourselves vulnerable to the latest arguments and philosophies
Saturating in the Bible whether through reading or audio is howwe learn who God is how he relates to us personally and how torespond to him Without this we miss out on the power of God
I recommend reading the Bible in large chunks Headingschapters and verse numbers have been added by publishers tohelp us navigate and find specific passages these markings do notexist in the original writings Context and flow of meaning arericher without those divisions so try to pretend they are not there
As variations from reading I enjoy the NIV dramatized versionaudio Bible and movies that directly quote New Testament books
The Bible is also not published in chronological order You mayfind it more fascinating and exciting to follow a chronological listof books and passages These are easily found online
Get wisdom from knowing Godrsquos willSelf-doubt interrupts our ability to process leaving us stranded ina place of pain the valley of indecision We want to know Godrsquoswill for us yet our prayers are mixed with fear and negative what-ifs
19
Sam enjoys the pace of factory work He is good with his hands andfeels a sense of pride in a dayrsquos accomplishments He holds nostudent debt can leave his job at the factory and is fully presentfor his family in the evenings
Sam would be miserable managing the factory After dealing withcontractors and payroll and customers all day he would returnhome uptight business school loans still due
If Sam were offered these jobs what would you recommend forhim God is not the author of confusionsup1⁰ Most of the time hespeaks through the obvious and we can over-spiritualize things tothe point they make no sense
God made us with innate talents and gifts He placed us in culturesamong people who will help develop our likes and dislikesAssuming we are not choosing to sin we can make life choicesbased on what suits our unique qualities best
If Audrey faces that office building knowing the job is one that willdry up her talents then walking away is likely wise Of course Godgrows us within the challenging features of his calling We tend toenjoy what we are successful doing and skills increase withpractice Trying a new experience is an adventure
20
Where We
Find JoyOur
Will
Godrsquos
Will
21
He has already revealed his will for us anyway Comparing ouroptions to his known will makes for simpler decisions if they donot match we need to change
Firstly we must have faith in God and In his Son Jesus Withoutfaith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes tohim must believe that he exists and that he rewards those whoearnestly seek himsup1sup1
Secondly with the help of the Holy Spirit we are to transformbecoming more like Christ in attitude which is love for othersobedience to the Father and willingness to suffer for the truthsup1sup2
Thirdly we are told to focus on the spiritual kingdom of Jesussup1sup3My grandmother had a sign hung prominently in her dining roomAs one who wanted to make a difference in the world it spoke tome throughout my youth
lsquoTis only one life
lsquoTwill soon be past
Only whatrsquos done for Christ will last
God feels with you and knows how exhausted and overloaded youare at times Do what you want and can do His work in us is allabout growing in love not more pressure to meet human orreligious standards
Get wisdom from prayerPerhaps the most comforting promise about using good judgment
22
was recorded by Jesusrsquo brother James ldquoIf any of you lacks wisdomyou should ask God who gives generously to all without findingfault and it will be given to yourdquosup1⁴
Without finding fault what a relief We do not have to clean-upbefore approaching our Holy Father He has only one condition forhis perfect guidance to get through to us James wrote ldquoBut whenyou ask you must believe and not doubtrdquosup1⁴
A pastor proposed an idea for knowing when we have receivedGodrsquos answer
Ask Make a specific request to God such as ldquoIs it best I take thisjobrdquo or ldquoDo I owe Becky an apologyrdquo
Listen Pay attention to the first thought that follows yourrequest
Act Go with that first thought
But I will make a mistake Irsquoll think of something wrong That iswhere doubt comes in God is more than capable of getting hismessage through all the muck in our heads Every time I haveapplied this pastorrsquos idea every time the answer has been the rightone
Confusion comes with arguing It is true Trying to have my wayand ldquoaskrdquo him at the same time forces a did he answer or did he notanswer internal battle That is on me not him Self-doubt will pop-up its ugly head nevertheless it loses its power if we refuse tosecond-guess God
Faith and trust increase the better we know him ldquoBe still and knowthat I am Godrdquo he sayssup1⁵ Be still Turn off the television and
23
phone go somewhere quiet and meditate onwho is this God and Creator of the universe
Open your Bible with this prayer ldquoGod pleaseshow me what this means to my life mysituation Please reveal what I need to learnabout Yourdquo
Love and holiness are Godrsquos nature His love is
He told
Moses his
name
ldquoI AMrdquo
unending He is the source of all good and truth in the world He isperfectly goodsup1⁶
Yet he is a mystery No one of such finite quality as we can fullymake sense of an eternal God The most studious experts ofscripture know only what God has revealed to them
He told Moses his name I AMsup1⁷ He exists As supposed to all theother false gods and idols that are man-made illusions and self-reliance which is faulty surely he can handle our situations Let usstop questioning our every move We can be still and know he isGod
Imagine Audrey goes to the job interview confident of Godrsquos lovefor her Intimidation and insecurities weaken as she exchanges self-doubt for faith
I cannot Lord You canI have not You will never abandon me
I am unseeing You know all
Please lead me along the best path
25
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Do good to your servant
according to your word
Lord Teach me knowledge
and good judgment for I
trust your commands Before
I was afflicted I went
astray but now I obey
your word
Psalm 11965-67
Practical Exercise 2 Pros and Cons
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible or ask amature follower of Christ to see if there is already an answer givenStep three Be brutally honest with all the pros and cons of youroptions
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
25
Next remember who has all the answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottlewherever it will catch some light Keepit open and have slips of paper andpen available
Write down your unansweredquestions doubts about yourself andany other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside thejar is a great problem surrounded byshadows and light By faith we canaccept that we do not see all or have allthe answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimesshoot out of your jar This representsthe endless wisdom and love of God towhich we can each cling Somehowgood is going to come of what we donot understand
26
3Toxic Shame
Some thoughts I must punish myself I cannot show my face Irsquoll never tell anyone what I did or how I feel There are dozens of reasons for her to hate me I cannot go to
God because Ive done too much wrong Forgive myself Not possible
Shame is a good thing It is Without shame for wrongdoing there
would be no rehabilitation no fresh starts no amends and nochange We must feel ashamed so we are ready to apologize andmean it This is healthy
Toxic Shame is a cruel entertainer replaying mental moviesespecially at night while we snack on the poisons of self-hate andhumiliation
Toxic Shames co-conspirator is Mindreading She makes it difficultto let go of the fear that people remember and do not forgive
Toxic Shame is a relentless accuser with total-devastation potential Scores of his targets havefallen victim to physical pains anxiety or someform of self-punishment This shame preventsrest in Godrsquos love because we question ourworthiness of forgiveness
27
mistakes We do not take their words at face value Mindreadingassumes we are judged by everyone like we judge ourselves
Toxic shame cannot stand up to Godrsquos mercy
pastor the name of Jesus never escaped his lips
As he lay dying and unresponsive at age eighty-four a chaplaincame to visit He asked about Dadrsquos background and I told him whatI just told you The chaplain said something I had not consideredldquoPerhaps because he once was a pastor he does not believe he canbe forgiven for falling into sinrdquo
It makes perfect sense the way Dad wouldshrug off talk of his old days as a preacheror how he changed the subject if a regularconversation turned to faith When I or myson asked about his relationship to Jesushe always answered ldquoIrsquom working on itrdquo
ldquoPerhaps
because he was
once a pastor
he does not
believe he can
be forgivenrdquo
Refusing to forgive ourselves might seemlike humility it is the epitome of prideWe assume to have an authority greaterthan God when after he wipes away oursins we answer ldquoNot me Im too messedup even for You
Clumsy human attitudes such as this donot determine Godrsquos toward us
My dad was not easily understood Hisways were a mix of good deeds and dolingout grievous pain Although he was once a
28
Shortly after the chaplain spoke to and prayed with my dad Istepped out for a short break from keeping vigil Ten minutes latertrying to reenter Dadrsquos room it felt the door was heavy as ifpressing against a strong wind With a heavier shove I found myselfin a familiar and most welcome of atmospheres
It was still except for the sound of labored breathing The air wasthick with the closest to perfect peace as we will ever know on thisearth The dense presence of Godrsquos Holy Spirit filled the roomconcentrated in the corner over my fatherrsquos bed
The Difference Maker was answering my long-time prayer andholding a deathbed conversation with Dad Some time passed until Ifelt the presence rise and leave perhaps taking a refreshed soul withhim Within an hour my dadrsquos frail body quit trying
Jesus was crucified between two thieves One of them said to JesusldquoRemember me when you come into your kingdomrdquo
Jesus answered ldquoToday you will be with me in paradiserdquosup1
A thief and my dad Two unlikely candidates for heaven embracedfor eternity because they said yes to forgiveness
It is too bad my dad did not live a life of peace We can While werehearse old scenarios the Difference Maker forgives generously
We duck our heads in shame he wants to liftour chinssup2
Once my dad had breathed his last I askedGod if he would assure me that dad said yes tohim during their talk I opened my Bible and
29
30
landed near the end of the Old Testament
ldquoYou will not stay angry with your people forever because youdelight in showing unfailing loverdquo Micah the prophet wrote ldquoOnceagain you will have compassion on us You will trample our sinsunder your feet and throw them into the depths of the oceanrdquosup3
Do you see that God delights in showing unfailing love He wasnever about to let his child go into eternity without him In the endGod orchestrated the timing so my dad would accept forgivenessand his daughter would have the privilege of learning just how deepis the love of God for those who believe on his Son⁴
He not only removes our shame he personally has a great timedoing so He is eager to remove our fears too
I know my dad is in heaven just like I know the thief is there ldquoFor ashigh as the heavens are above the earth so great is his love for thosewho fear him as far as the east is from the west so far has heremoved our transgressions from usrdquo⁵
Other steps
Remember healthy shame It becomes toxic when we allow it to rotunattended while we refuse to deal with complicated truth
Things we ignore grow moldy and poisonous This plays out inaddiction resentment depression anger control issues self-righteousness and so much more
Godrsquos love and forgiveness are gracious and forever I will thank himfor them However he does not take our stubborn and hard
Moral inventory shapes our understanding of ourselves whichin turn shapes our relationship with God Some styles ofinventory ask us to take a hard look at our character defectsand this can create a powerful sense of our need for God Otherstyles of inventory encourage us to look not just at ourshortcomings but at our strengths as well and so the sense ofneed for God is not as strong If we write according to the firststyle of inventory we are more likely to enter in an intimaterelationship with God ndashJames Ryan of the National
Association of Christian Recovery
A fearless inventory does not shy away from total honesty with Godwho knows everything anyway⁶ We do not have to fear Godrsquosrejection He never expects perfection from humans because heknows how weak we are he remembers we are only dust⁷
Guidance for completing an inventory is on the next page
hearts and melt them against our will Steps we can take will openus to his miracles
Moral Inventory
31
ConfessionldquoDonrsquot be impressed with your own wisdomInstead fear the LORD and turn away fromevil Then you will have healing for your bodyand strength for your bonesrdquo⁸
Who knew the Bible is so psychologically apteh
The One who made us knows we need tounload shame and offers his listening earsWe share our moral inventory with him andask him to remove all our sins
Honesty 1 Peter 222
rdquoHe committed no
sin and no deceit was
found in his mouthrdquo
Sexual Purity
Hebrews 726 rdquo[Christ
Jesus] truly meets our need mdash one who is
holy blameless pure set apart from sinnershelliprdquo
Love 1 John 316 ldquoThis is how
we know what love isJesus Christ
laid down his life for
usrdquo
Unselfishness2 Corinthians
89rdquoFor you know the grace of our
Lord Jesus Christ that
though he was rich yet for your sake he became
poor so that you through his
poverty might become richrdquo
Borrowed from the Oxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes we compare
our honesty purity unselfishness and love to that of Jesus
32
Amends (not excuses)
Jesus said ldquohellipif you are offering your gift at the altar (he meant inworship of God) and there remember that your brother or sisterhas something against you leave your gift there in front of the altarFirst go and be reconciled to them then come and offer your giftrdquo⁹
That is how important making amends is to God Confessing ourwrongs to people we have hurt is a giant step toward our healingfrom toxic shame and hopefully brings some sense of closure tothem too Unless contacting them would cause them more pain wehumbly admit what we did and apologize
Forgiveness is theirs to give when and if they are ready so we donot ask for it Our forgiveness comes from above Amends may notproduce a healed relationship we do it anyway and leave others toGod
Pray blessings for your enemiesJesus prayed for his enemiessup1⁰ as did Stephen the first Christianmartyr
ldquoOpen confession is good for the soulrdquo ndashScottish proverb
33
This is an ongoing process His forgivenessis complete nonetheless we will continueto act dishonestly impurely selfishly andunlovingly at times
A caution Do not compare yourself against
other people only to Christ Jesus
Stephen prayed for those who conspired to have him stoned todeathsup1sup1 While he was dying he asked God to have mercy on hisenemies Saul of Tarsus stood among themsup1sup1∙⁵
In the name of God Saul of Tarsus zealously opposed Jesusrsquofollowers hunting them down Mercilessly he tore families apartdragging men and women believers to prison and voting for theirdeaths He tried to force them to blaspheme a criminal offensesup1sup2
Eventually he wrote half the New Testament of our Holy Bibletoday
Did Paul deserve Godrsquos grace No way That is the beauty of itnone of us do Jesus never sinned and therefore had pure love forhis enemies By praying for our enemies we recognize theirhumanity and ours The largess of Godrsquos grace heals our soul
Stay in the presentPaul could easily have been paralyzed by toxic shame as hepreached to and encouraged friends and members of those samefamilies he had killed In his sixties and under house arrest for hisfaith Paul wrote ldquohellipone thing I do Forgetting what is behind and
As he was
martyred he
asked God to
have mercy on his
enemies
God heard Stephenrsquos prayer and hadmercy on Saul After his conversionSaul changed his name to Paul (Saulwas a kingly name Paul meanslittle)
For about thirty-five years Paulserved as missionary and churchplanter willingly suffering the life hehad imposed on otherssup1sup3
34
Note We all need assistance sometimes When toxicshame is connected to unaddressed memories andtrauma emotional disturbances and the inability tofunction normally we may benefit most from professionalhelp
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love ofGod and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with yousup1⁶
straining toward what is ahead I press onhelliprdquo sup1⁴
Toxic shame can be a choice The past cannot change why wastetime on it Today and tomorrow with the Difference Maker in thelead we have the opportunity to follow his plan of escape from self-defeating thoughts and live a different kind of life
Godrsquos promise is that no shadow of shame will darken our faces ifwe look to himsup1⁵ Read the book of John as you begin orstrengthen your walk with God
35
Prayer to the Difference Maker
ldquohellipmany are saying of my soul
lsquoThere is no salvation for him in Godrsquo
But you O LORD
are a shield about me my glory
and the lifter of my headrdquo
Psalm 32-4 (ESV)
Practical Exercise 3 Examine the Evidence
If
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes toone of the questionson the left you havea new day in thecourt of your mindCheck out thecorresponding linkson the right
37
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Prison- no parole
Next secure your release
38
4Self-loathing
Mr Negative self-
talk destroys
identities and
paralyzes dreams
Period That is all
he does
Mr Self-loathing blinds us to thewonderful mysteries of otherpeople by laser-beam focusinginward In public we worry if weare coming across okay In privatewe wonder what others think aboutus
When we do not believe in ouraptitude personality or lovabilitywe miss out on the love others tryto extend Compliments upset us
Some thoughts Irsquom not good enough No one can love meIrsquom too old or young too fat or thin too uneducated or
inexperienced too introverted or boisterous Irsquom always too much and too little Ugly Idiot Trouble
Thats me I am a mistake
Mr Self-loathing is in the ldquoIrdquo business He sells I-should-not be
me and I-should-have-done-better His top sales manager MsSense of Worthlessness invented Irsquom not-as-good-as-so-n-so andIrsquom-sorry-for-everything Their chief of business communicationsolrsquo Negative Self-talk specializes in I am a loser of every typeimaginable
39
because in our minds they cannotpossibly be true We believepeople are only placating us forwhat purpose we do not knowMiniscule mistakes blare I canrsquotget anything right
Loathing is a strong term andappropriate for this self-debasingthinking As a thought habit itresponds well to Practical Exercise1
If we buy the goods Ms Sense ofWorthlessness sells self-loathing
goes public She excels at over-apologizing One of her favorites isldquoOh excuse merdquo (even though you nearly knocked me onto mykeester and two pounds of chocolate chips ripped open in front ofmy three very young children who now look like foraging raccoonsBut hey Irsquom sorry- to you- who is long gone)
Another favorite is ldquoIrsquom sorry to bother yourdquo (though you said I amnot bothering you a minute ago and each time I have walked intoyour office since you hired me you have said the same)
She also encourages her customers to say I am sorry with bodylanguage when nothing out of the ordinary has occurred
Maybe we rationalize apologies as nice polite or sympatheticUnfortunately unnecessary and excessive apologizing generallyframes us as untrustworthy and weak even if we are not thosethings The practice works against us
40
Mr Negative Self-talk destroys identities and paralyzes dreamsPeriod That is all he does His attacks against our wellbeing are oldvoices thoughts and beliefs playing on a loop each geared towardthe abuse and vandalization of our minds bodies and spirits
One meme says ldquoIf a friend speaks to you the way you speak toyourself how long will you be friendsrdquo Well what if a friend talksabout herself using thoughts you hold against yourself how longbefore you try to reassure her
Baggage and Beliefs
Some of our baggage is based on negative false core beliefs usuallyadopted in childhood Three steps form a belief
bull A significant person to us one in authority or someone we trustor admire sends or affirms a message positive or negativethrough speech or actions
bull Our experience must support that message whether byperception or reality
bull Then we must repeat the message to ourselves
For instance a teacher says ldquoYou are weak at mathrdquo On the nextexam you miss some equations This experience might become yourldquoevidencerdquo of weakness in math By repeating to yourself Irsquomterrible at math you affix the belief
Negative false core beliefs often buried deep inside and out ofsight strongly affect our decisions even when we are unaware
Jeff is not introspective and tends to go about his business with anair of certainty However he turns down promotions and lately
41
His dad had been promoted severaltimes within the company for whichhe worked most of his life At an olderage he was fired and replaced by ayounger man who earned less Thishappened when Jeff was a teenagerand he heard an earful as his dadblamed the bosses the ldquosystemrdquo andbad luck
Jeff picked up on the message that nomatter how hard one tries gettingahead will result in financial disasteranyway Throughout his life hegathered evidence of injusticesupporting this message Hemumbled ldquoThatrsquos the way it isrdquo untilhe no longer had to be aware of it tobase his life around it
Uncovering this core belief changedhis attitude He took time to challengethe old fear with evidence to thecontrary
42
A
message
Experience
backs it up
We repeat
the
message to
ourselves
anger rises when the manager asks him to take on more leadershipresponsibility
Jeffrsquos wife suggests he begin to question for the first time if there ismore behind these decisions Starting with the Difference Makerhe asks for help
Beliefs Baggage
Whether he accepts a promotion is not the point He is his ownman free to make decisions about his future without an underlyingfear of loss undermining his goals
Any one of us may have our sense of identity buried under moundsof such beliefs I am stupid I am annoying No one can truly loveme I do not belong herehellip and on and on it goes We watch ourdreams float past like clouds and mutter ldquoI canrsquot I am not enoughrdquo
Another point of view
Self-loathing a sense of worthlessness and negative self-talk may
Godrsquos
Thoughts
Our
Thoughts
be familiar and oddly comforting Perhaps this ishow someone significant to us treats us Maybe itis all we have known No matter how the put-downs started God wants to change our thinking
He highly values us He created people in hisimagesup1 He made humans but a little lower thanhimselfsup2
These facts do not make us little gods he alone isGod He said ldquoMy thoughts are nothing like yourthoughts and my ways are far beyond anythingyou could imaginerdquosup3
By questioning our worth are we not assuminghis thoughts are the lower ones We curse onehuman being who is made in Godrsquos likeness andoften harshly judge others who remind us ofourselves⁴
43
Take in the Difference Makerrsquos messages
I am whole as Godrsquos artFor I am Godrsquos handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do goodworks which he prepared in advance for me to do ⁵
He created my inmost being he knit me together in my motherrsquoswomb⁶
I am whole because I am newThis means that I who belong to Christ have become a new personMy old life is gone a new life has begun⁷
Because of the LORDrsquos great love I am not consumed for hiscompassions never fail They are new every morning Great is Godrsquosfaithfulness ⁸
God does not make mistakes therefore I matter God loves me with an unending love therefore I am lovable
I am human with strengths and weaknesses like everyone therefore I am as valuable
There is purpose for my life therefore I will make a differenceI am who God says I am therefore I have a unique identity
44
Taking Godrsquos point of view to heart is to embrace grace thatmysterious and priceless gift of Godrsquos favor and blessing that no onecan earn
45
I belong because I am Godrsquos childSee what great love the Father has lavished on me that I should becalled a child of God And that is what I am ⁹
I belong and am a friend of JesusI am friends with the Lord and Savior Yes Abraham believedGodhellip and he was called a friend of Godsup1⁰
He calls me friend for everything that he has learned from theFather he has made known to mesup1sup1
I am secureThough my father and mother forsake me the LORD will receivemesup1sup2
I am one of Good Shepherdrsquos sheep and I listen to his voice Heknows me and I follow him He gives me eternal life and I willnever perish No one can snatch me away for the Father is morepowerful than anyone else No one can snatch me from the Fatherrsquoshandsup1sup3
I am strong when I am weakChristrsquos grace is all I need His power works best in myweakness So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so thatthe power of Christ can work through mesup1⁴
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Thank you for making me so
wonderfully complex Your
workmanship is marvelous -
how well I know it
Psalm 13914
Practical Exercise 4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a game somethingwith a little challenge in it to help make a thought exchange So Imade one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Word-Swap
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automatically
speak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourself
names Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckhellipExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friendhellip
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might makeyou cringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
47
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look about youand write down all you have accomplished in the last 24 hours (Youread this page right That is one) No matter how small you think theaccomplishment it is evidence to the contrary of never do anythingright
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved ones tomarketers to abusers messages given us as children and older cancome from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable of realisticinsight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged false negative corebeliefs of their own Are they suggestible and reactionary with theiremotions Are they knowledgeable and wise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
48
Next test messages and messengers
5Extreme
Conclusions How I feel in this moment is how I will always feel No
one is trustworthy If the result will be perfect Irsquoll do it if not I wonrsquot try God only helps those who help themselves
Irsquoll make sure you are happy Irsquoll sleep when Irsquom dead I always do what is right and you never do If I do not get
this new job Irsquoll have to go back to the old one
Extreme conclusions are mental
destinations We travel there via trains ofthought Four main engines pull separate linesof cargo cars loaded with random thoughtsand assumptions These engines are calledBlack-and-white All-or-nothing Either-orand Pass-fail
Extreme conclusions are depressive whenexpectations are not met For example in thesports world winning is everything If an
Disclaimer Absolute truths exist as expressedthroughout this book that is not the topic here
Pass-fail
athlete with a pass-fail mindset loses the athletersquos sense of personalvalue may hang on the scoreboard
49
Primarily this mindsetjudges By dissecting life andboxing it in with manmaderules it labels situationspeople ideas emotions andeven God as all good or all
bad
Unwanted or disagreeable
Throughout a lifetime gray areas or for the sake of this chapter themiddle track is where most decisions are made We want to land atreasonable conclusions Listening learning compromising makingfair judgments and extending mercy swiftly carry us to that moresatisfying place
Once there we find closer relationships higher self-esteemforgiveness and honesty
It is imperative our thoughts ride the middle rails Outside of thatwe lose sight of options We wind up lost in Extreme Conclusionsour minds closed
Black-and-white (judgmental)
Black-and-white thinking is themonster truck of thought enginesthe gold medalist in conveyingundecipherable messages to ourbrain at speeds so fast that we areat Extreme Conclusions wellbefore we have had a chance to reconsider
50
ideas and emotions are stored out of reach and dismissed
Jesus lived in the gray Violently against hypocricy and manmadereligious laws and passionate about his Father he taught atransformative love
Do not judgesup1 open your eyes and arms to the strangersup2 and sharewith those in needsup3 he preached Greet people who are not yourpeople⁴ pray for your enemies⁵ and do to others as you wouldwant them to do to you⁶
He was radical then and still is It was against religious rules to doany work on the Sabbath yet Jesus healed people and allowed hishungry disciples to pick grain on holy days He lifted women to ahigher plane speaking to them directly and treating them with thesame respect he offered men He welcomed women to choosediscipleship Love and decency shown to the poor and sociallydespised became a hallmark of his ministry
He was not so patient with religious hypocrites
Jesus told a now-famous parable⁷ about extreme conclusions of theself-righteous black-and-white variety and their opposite
A man of a certain race and creed was beaten by robbers and left todie Two people of the same race and creed saw him lying there andignored him
Why He was inconvenient They had work to finish and religiousrules to follow Touching a dead man back then would make themceremonially unclean for seven days⁸ They would not take thechance
51
A third man came along this time of a race andcreed that shared a long-standing animositytoward the people of the robbed man Normallythese two populations did not interact or eventouch some of the same items
Social norms did not cause this third passer-by tohesitate He saw only human need and rushed tothe aid of a person dying by the side of the roadInstead of us versus them he chose middleground
He saw
only
human
need and
rushed to
the aid of
a person
dying by
the side of
the roadInstead of
us versus
them he
chose
middle
ground
He cleaned the manrsquoswounds with oil andwine bandaged hislacerations and tookhim to an inn where theowner agreed to watchover his recovery Thekind stranger paid forroom and boardpromised to check backand left to go about hisbusiness
Black and whitejudgments often have
52
nothing to do with love The Difference Makerreminds us that he holds all knowledge and weknow but part⁹ Blinded to a log in our eyes wewill hurt people by attempting speck-removalsurgery on theirssup1⁰
ldquoMake sure that the light you think you have is not actuallydarkness If you are filled with light with no dark corners then yourwhole life will be radiant as though a floodlight were filling youwith lightrdquosup1⁰∙⁵
All-or-nothing (misdirected drive)
All-or-nothing is 101 investment in a single area of life to theexclusion of all else It is a one-track train of thought
state of constant motion stress and guilt
Whatever consumes our priorities and imagination vital momentsand relationships that make life worthwhile wilt in the cabooseDepression is an unsurprising pay-off as are heart attacks Balanceis in the middle
Common modern misdirected drives such as the love of money andcontrol over onersquos destiny are also ancient
A rich young mansup1sup1 clearly spiritually sensitive approached JesusldquoI have carefully followed all the ten commandmentsrdquo he saidldquoWhat else must I do to earn eternal liferdquo
With love Jesus offered a shocking plan He suggested the man sellhis possessions and give the money to the poor This ran far deeper
Be it work education legacyfame power pursuit of moneyor anything else an all-or-nothingmindset mimics tyrannythreatening to stop us altogetherunless we remain in a deplorable
53
than asking for a donation Jesusrsquo intentions appear less aboutsacrificial giving than faith
One sect of religious teachers at the time commonly taught thatwealth proved Godrsquos approval and was a likely ticket to heaven ifheaven existed The young man went away sad and this falseteaching may be part of the reason His question had been aboutobeying rules Jesusrsquo answer challenged him to lsquobreakrsquo one of theso-called rules that provided comfort
Driven to earn more collect more and reassure himself he missedeverything he had been looking for He was afraid of losing statushis hope of salvation by a means other than Jesus
heaven what hope was there for the poor For them Theyasked ldquoWho then can be savedrdquo
Jesus said ldquoWith man this is impossible but with God all thingsare possiblerdquo In one sentence he negated the notion that anythingbut Godrsquos grace can usher people into eternal life
All-or-nothing thinking potentially affects us in any area Jesussaid ldquoNo one can serve two masters For you will hate one and lovethe other you will be devoted to one and despise the otherrdquosup1sup2
To his disciples who witnessed thisexchange Jesus said ldquoIt is easierfor a camel to go through the eye ofa needle than for a rich person toenter the kingdom of Godrdquo
They were naturally astounded atthis unfamiliar teaching If it wereimpossible for the rich to enter
54
A popular heresy is the ldquoprosperity gospelrdquo promising gulliblepeople that God wants them rich Lest there be any doubt Paulexplains this topic in a letter to the young pastor Timothy
ldquoThese are the things you are to teach and insist on If anyoneteaches otherwise and does not agree to the sound instruction of ourLord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching they are conceited andunderstand nothing They have an unhealthy interest incontroversies and quarrels about words that result in envy strifemalicious talk evil suspicions and constant friction between peopleof corrupt mind who have been robbed of the truth and who thinkthat godliness is a means to financial gain
ldquoBut godliness with contentment is great gain For we broughtnothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it But if wehave food and clothing we will be content with that Those whowant to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into manyfoolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin anddestruction For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil Somepeople eager for money have wandered from the faith and piercedthemselves with many griefshellip
ldquoCommand those who are rich in this present world not to bearrogant nor to put their hope in wealth which is so uncertain butto put their hope in God who richly provides us with everything forour enjoyment Command them to do good to be rich in gooddeeds and to be generous and willing to share In this way they willlay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the comingage so that they may take hold of the life that is truly liferdquo
1 Timothy 63-19niv
55
Either-or (limited vision)
when he applied for work on the railroad in 1944 He was tooyoung Extreme conclusions told him it was useless to try againalthough the original dream never died
It is easy to look at William and think he could have tried hardernonetheless what about us Have we given up dreaming Are westaying in abusive relationships because we cannot see a way outHave we denied ourselves recovery because it seems impossibleDo we accept mental health struggles with an ldquooh wellrdquo shrug andbalk at seeking help
Do we worship the all-powerful all-knowing always-loving ldquoGodwith usrdquosup1sup3 or keep our distance for fear he will ruin our lives
Maybe we hide behind either-or too
Train tracks mechanically move at what are aptly called switchesRailyards have complex systems allowing engines with or withoutcars to completely reverse and travel the opposite direction
Either-or narrows ourvision to only two possiblechoices It leaves no spacefor fresh solutions Livingin this mindset isdepressive becausewhatever we want outsideof these limited options islocked out of consideration
William was turned down
56
What if God plans to conduct me through the impossible
What if his strength is enough for me to try something new
What if his wisdom will guide me safely away from repeated effortsthat have never worked and into freedom
What if I survive What if I can start over What if
Maryrsquos and Martharsquos brother Lazarus was severely illsup1⁴ Worriedthe sisters sent an urgent message to Jesus Please come
His reaction is still jolting
Lazarus died To many Jesusrsquo slowness did not look like concernenough
Martha ran to meet him as he arrived at town She said ldquoIf you hadonly been here my brother would not have diedrdquo
ldquoNow Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus Sowhen he heard that Lazarus was sick he stayed where hewas two more dayshelliprdquo (italics mine)
Switches are a massive undertaking andan engineering marvel
In what we may appropriately callanother marvel the Difference Makerwillingly switches at any time our one-track thoughts If we allow Godrsquospossibilities to override our either-orfaith asks a positive ldquowhat ifrdquo
57
Mary slumped at his feet tortured by the same thought ldquoLord ifyou had been herehelliprdquo Visitors who had come to grieve with Marthaand Mary mumbled ldquoHe could have saved Lazarusrsquo lifehelliprdquo
Deeply impassioned by the lack of faith around himsup1⁵ Jesuswalked to a small cave covered by a stone It was Lazarusrsquo graveldquoMove the stonerdquo he said
ldquoBut Lordrdquo said Martha ldquoBy this time there is a bad odor for hehas been there four daysrdquo
Lazarusrsquo sisters were stuck in either-or thinking partially due to thesociety in which they grew up Among the many false religiousteachings of their day it was believed that the soul left the bodypermanently after three days
The stone out of the way Jesus called in a loud voice ldquoLazaruscome outrdquo
Lazarus emerged from the dark caveinto daylight Jesus said ldquoTake offhis grave clothes and let him gordquo
No one had expected this No onedreamed that Jesusrsquo love includedthe inexplicable
No one had
expected
this
Four days after death meant no more hopefor miracles Either Jesus had come quicklyor it was too late Either Jesus had raisedLazarus a day earlier or it was impossibleeven for him
58
The disciples had heard him say earlier that Lazarus would live Hehad informed Martha also that Lazarus would be raised Yet thatwas not enough for them to understand and believesup1⁶
Jesus wept with Mary and Martha yearning to increase their faithHe was glad to see many of the witnesses finally set aside theirdoubts
The resurrection of Lazarus was significant for another reasonWhen powerful religious leaders heard about this miracle theirsomewhat paranoid ideas about Jesus and how many people wereturning to him increased They convened as a unit to plot Jesusrsquomurder not admitting they had no power to kill him outside ofGodrsquos timing
Ultimately by waiting to answer the sistersrsquo desperate plea thecompletion of Christ Jesusrsquo great mission took place voluntarilypaying the bloody price for our sins and coming back from deathThrough the experience of Lazarus he had left his followers withproof of his power to restore life no matter the odds
The death Lazarus endured was never in vain God who exists intimelessness knew precisely what everyone needed most They sawsuffering he saw the unfolding of his perfect plan They grieved theend of a life he rejoiced at the beginning of eternal life for all whowould trust in him completely
The Difference Makerworks miracles farbeyond either-or
59
60
A pass-or-fail train of thought is brutal Without mercy itdemands an accounting for every mistake Do not think it rewardswise choices No this train is on to the next opportunity to runover its victim Most often that is you
Olivetrsquos goal is to find a job in a new career Measuring her successby using a scale of 1-100 she gives herself a 30 for returning toschool as an older adult Finishing with an Associatersquos degree sheadds another 30 She finds it difficult to land a job Does this dropher back to zero
Pass-or-fail thinking takes such a punch and does not rise All thiseffort has been a waste of time
Mercy accepts realityrsquos middles Is stamina in Olivetrsquos job searchworth 20 She counts her successful steps Already she is at 80and not yet hired
Is anything more emotionallyself-punishing than to measureourselves against an impossiblestandard The psalmist wroteldquoEven perfection has itslimitshelliprdquosup1⁷
Pass-or-fail (merciless)
Unemployed Olivet might look like a loserto some Not to God ldquoPeople judge by theoutward appearance but the Lord looks atthe heartsup1⁸
61
One of Jesusrsquo closest friends Peter was an emotional man withgood intentions and quick impulses Words tended to leap from hismouth before careful thought
He opened his mouth one time too many Only hours before Jesuswas arrested on trumped-up charges Peter vowed his allegiancesaying ldquoEven if I have to die with you I will never deny yourdquosup1⁹
Jesus said ldquoPeter before morning by the time a rooster crowstwice you will have already denied me three timesrdquo
A crowd of men armed with swords and clubs took Jesus intocustody in the middle of the night His disciples scattered in fearPeter had enough courage to follow Jesus to the trial albeit fromfar behind He found himself hiding near a campfire with guardsand others who had been at the arrestsup2⁰
A servant girl recognized him ldquoYou were one of those with Jesusrdquo
Peter answered for all those around the fire to hear ldquoI donrsquot knowwhat yoursquore talking aboutrdquo
A rooster crowed in the background
As the rumor traveled people staredA voice spoke from the shadows ldquoHeis one of themrdquo
Panicking Peter said ldquoI swear I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Other bystanders confronted him
ldquoYou must be one of his followers Youraccent gives you awayrdquo
rooster crows Agonizing shame stabbed at his heart andbeleaguered his mind You will deny me three times before therooster crows twice Bolting from that place Peter wept bitterly
If life is a pass-fail test with God Peter failed At the mostimportant moment in history he crumbled That is not the end ofPeterrsquos story
Jesus was crucified Three days later after Jesus rose to life Peterraced with all his might to the grave to see if this report weretruesup2sup1 I imagine he had never dreamed of a second chance
Jesus showed himself to the disciples several times over the nextforty days One morning as he sat with seven of them Jesus saidto Peter ldquoDo you love me more than theserdquosup2sup2
American English is limited in that we use one word for loverelying on inflection and context to fill-in-the-blanks The ancientlanguages of the Bible were more specific Jesus was asking ldquoDoyou love me dearly more than these other disciples do Do youlove me now with total commitment and devotionrdquo
62
If life is a pass-
fail test with
God Peter
failed
ldquoA curse on me if Irsquom lying I donrsquotknow the manrdquo
Immediately the rooster crowedagain
Before the rooster crows Before the
Having once said he would not deny Jesus even if everyone elsedid Peterrsquos pride was tested Understanding clearly that the Lordknew him better than he knew himself he may have been afraid toanswer Perhaps he doubted his capability to love like he had beencertain he could
He said ldquoYou know that I love You with a deep personal affectionas for a close friendrdquo
ldquoThen feed my lambsrdquo Jesus told him restoring Peter to hispreaching and teaching ministry
Jesus repeated the question ldquoSimon son of John (as Peter was alsoknown) do you love me dearly more than these others do withtotal commitment and devotionrdquo
Peter stood by his original friend-type answer
ldquoThen take care of my sheeprdquo
Suddenly Jesus changed his question ldquoPeter do you love me witha deep personal affection as for a close friendrdquo
It is almost as if Jesus were questioning Peterrsquos truth-telling but doyou really Perhaps this is how Peter heard it Still torn up byshame and self-doubt his reply was emphatic ldquoYou knoweverythingrdquo
Jesus assured him in a perplexing way ldquoWhen you grow old youwill stretch out your hands and arms and someone else will dressyou and carry you where you do not wish to gordquo
63
To Peter this dire news meant that he would one day be the manhe wanted to become Unafraid to love Jesus with his whole hearthe would stare martyrdom in the eye and courageously accept thecost of following the Messiah
One can almost feel the relief that swept over Peterrsquos body makinghis arms limp and body sag Although scripture does not tell us Iimagine Peter weeping again this time in gratitude and relief
Jesus said ldquoFollow merdquo
Three years earlier Jesus had called to Peter to follow him theoriginal language meaning ldquoCome hererdquo Peter had enthusiasticallybecome a believer and devotee Why say it again
This time the word follow was an invitation to walk the same pathJesus had walked Peter had a quality decision to make He wasforgiven and grace welcomed him back Would he accept
Later Peter faced the council that had condemned Jesus to die Thiswas said of him ldquoThe members of the council were amazed whenthey saw the boldness of Peterhelliprdquosup2sup3 Yes Peter accepted and so canwe Our failures or missteps do not determine our value
Paul reflected on why God houses his great power in humanbelievers calling us ldquofragile clay jarsrdquosup2⁴
Fragility with clay feet like Peterrsquos helps to keep us from theextreme conclusion that we are wiser than God becoming big-shotsforgetting that all good and perfect gifts are from the DifferenceMakersup2⁵ who loves us with an everlasting love
64
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Lord Irsquom standing at the crossroads
and looking asking for the ancient
paths asking where the good way is
so I can walk in it You promise it is
there that I will find rest for my soul
Guide me Lord Amen
Based on Jeremiah 616
66
Practical Exercise 5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
67
Keep
working
68
Next know when to say yes for a most-fulfilling life
Knowing what is of utmostimportance to you will helpprevent misdirected drive
1 Take time to list all yourcurrent obligations This willinclude family friends jobfinancial expenditures physicalhealth mental health spiritualgoals what God has asked ofyou and anything that youmust finish
2 Look realistically at theabove Is there anything thatdoes not fit within your daily
availability finances emotionalenergy or physical capabilities
3 Is there anything you canremove from this list Ask forGodrsquos wisdom
What remains are your yesses
With rare exceptions everythingelse is a no Each time you agreeto secondary activities expensesor obligations you are trading-in and saying no to something(or someone) you more highlyvalue
Making new
obligations
copyNancy Virden 2012
Popularity spending
more money
entertainmenthellip
6Hopelessness
Some thoughts No win is possible Nothing can improve These losses are too heavy with only more to come God
cannot stand me anymore My family is better off without me I am a burden Everyone else is happier I cannot
fight the pain anymore Irsquom done
True hopelessness has no sense of humor It is scary and
overbearing on each minute of the day It is not somewhat hopefullike when a possibility is unlikely it is devoid of any expectationsfor good now or in the future Abject hopelessness can be fatal
This fact drives the passion behind me and many ministries andservices trying to spread another message what seems like an endis a faccedilade fakery 0ptions are only hidden in the darkness hope isalways present even when we temporarily cannot see it
If you are feeling suicidal or concerned about someone who is call
Nothing in this book is to substitute for professional mental or behavioral health care
US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis text line- Text ldquoHELLOrdquo to 741-741
For other international hotlines go here
If you are suicidal with a plan immediately call 911 in the US (112 in the
EU) or go to your nearest emergency room
69
The Real
I am a suicide attempt survivor One cannot climb out of that airlesspit without having learned new ways to breathe
Only a few days after leaving the hospital I attended the PartialHospitalization Program (PHP) suggested by my doctors There apotent weapon to use against suicidal thoughts came from anunlikely source
The scene was a small room intended for about fifteen peoplecrowded instead with twenty-five or more who were scrambling forchairs A few chatting voices exposed the general climate ldquoImheaded for rehab I just got back Im going to lose my job if Imiss any more workldquo
Most of us stared silently A single therapist managed to find spaceand called everyone to quiet
At his leading one by one people offered a number between 1-5rating the power of their suicidal thoughts Most chose 2 or 3 A fewof us with higher numbers were challenged to offer specific plansfor staying safe until the next day One man was sent back to thehospital
Then a woman spoke quietly A thought is just a thought I guesswe do not have to act on itldquo
I was stunned Her simple logic sounded profound to a braintangled in disorder and raging mood swings A thought ishellip only athought I tried to sort it out But how I feel now is how I willalways feelhellip
70
it differently but Iwill try to offer aglimpse into thatdark space
Alone in a pitch-black alley youcollapse to theground soundless
Unless you have been there it will be difficult to comprehend thegrueling emotions of a suicidal mindset Each person experiences
groans wrenching from deep within your torso
Thick briers and vipers pervade the trail that led you here Foryears you have navigated treacherous mountains of jagged rocksand falling boulders Your body is broken and bloodied
If you could or wanted to move the only way to continue yourjourney would be to grasp with ripped open hands the barbed wirefence by which you entered the alley place your torn feet on itsspikes and climb
Snarls in the blackness feel warm to your face A feral angry caninesnaps at you brushing your clothes with bared teeth Without fearyou sense it is a friend Its hungry jowls are only waiting for you todecide
As the only visible option outside of returning to the torture of whatcannot change the caninersquos guarantee is welcome hellip
Imagine then in that hopeless place hearing that the snarlingpromise is only a thought
71
The Difference Maker
It is the strangest thing When therapy started in 2011 I feltvulnerable like a toddler I could feel that inner child growing upto 6 10 then teen over the next months and years In my actualmid-fifties I declared my new 20 God gave me a chance toemotionally redo childhood safely this time while he re-parentedme with truth
What I had been so certain I could not live without never came tobe Some of the losses I feared have occurred Joy today comesfrom having rediscovered who our Creator intended me to becomePeace is from healing on the inside and finally having my hopewhere it belongs in the love of Jesus Christ
Pressure made it
nearly impossible
to breathe the
only air - leaking
from a cracked
sewer pipe
Marco was buried alive A wall of dirtand rock crashed over him forcinghis legs into a backward twist andlanding him head downwardPressure on his chest made it nearlyimpossible to breathe the only airavailable leaking from a crackedsewer pipe
The day passed as frantic rescueefforts continued Finally Marco waswhisked away to the nearest hospitalHe had been buried for eleven hours
Resulting physical disabilities make daily life challenging YetMarco has chosen contentment over bitterness Calm andcompassion have replaced old self-centered and impatient ways
72
The foundational extreme conclusion of hopelessness is thatnothing can change It may be true that our circumstances orrelationships will not change as we would like Perhaps it is we whocan change Maybe what we think we need for happiness is worthreconsidering
ldquoForget the former things do not dwell on the pastrdquo God saysldquoSee I am doing a new thing Now it springs up do you notperceive it I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in thewastelandsup1
My biggest leap toward a return to mental health was making awary deliberate decision to learn how to enjoy the life God gave tome Hope begins to appear when we choose to believe for it
The One who sees you
God loves you He cares about you He is not distant too busy ordistracted The LORD is close to the brokenheartedsup2 He whowatches over you will not slumbersup3
Hagar⁴ as an Egyptian slave pregnant and in a contentiousrelationship with the woman she served had run out of optionsShe ran away into the desert where the angel of the Lord met her
He said God was aware of her misery He promised she was havinga son who would be as free as a wild donkey⁴∙⁵ and the father ofmany nations
No doubt she carried deep longing for any future children to be freefrom slavery Reassured of her own future too she said ldquoYou arethe God who sees merdquo
73
As you walk secret trails through unwanted memories of shameand torment and you believe you are a waste of skin there isOne who knows you completely and loves
Overwhelmed in a desert of grief and questions seeing only moreloss in your tomorrows there is One who weeps with you whostands with you in broken-heartedness
He loves the child once so battered by other peoples sins He lovesthe adult in need of rescue from your own sins He sent his Son forboth and offers salvation and healing to each part of you
So when you believe there is no hope for change and everyonewill be better off without you there is One who sees hears knowsand loves
Go ahead ask him to meet you where you are He is the only Onewith the power to guide you through the next minute hour dayand year Reach out to Almighty God your Difference Maker
In your alley of hopelessness alonewhen fear of staying alive swampsyour mind and suicide seems theonly way out there is One who seesyou
Buried alive under mounds ofdespair and emptiness lying in thedark corner of a lifeless roomthere is One who hears your silentscreams and understands what youcannot speak
74
Dear child of God you are not failing him
which can come with depression From fellowship topersonal Bible study to a sense of Godrsquos love it was all missing
Of course at the time I had no idea of a physical cause for thisspiritual struggle It seemed my fault Abject lonelinesshopelessness a sense of worthlessness and guilt were what I knewPain Sorrow Torment Repeat
Occasional one-word whispered prayers lifted from my bed I criedfor what seemed like the absence of God
Then I saw Jesus There he stood in a mental picture a gift fromheaven He did not speak chase suffering away or take me to bewith him Unfelt he was only there with me in the dark I knewChrist Jesus never left
Relearning how to think resolving terrible situations physicalhealing of the brain these take a while God never walks away⁵His promises keep⁶ His love endures forever ⁷
Without a doubt the most significant lossand cause of grief as I struggled with severedepression was the inability to hear Godrsquosvoice I feared he would never speak to meagain that I had gone too far I feltspiritually dead
It was not true How can one be spirituallydead and care about it Typical experiencesaccompanying my Christian faith were outof reach due to cognitive and energy issuesand anxiety
75
1 Empathy2 Impulse Control3 Self-knowing Awareness
and Insight4 Fear Modulation5 Body Regulation6 Intuition7 Morality8 Emotion Regulation
1 Fear Processing2 Initiates the Fight Flight or
Freeze Response3 Emotional Learning4 Form Memories Related to
Intense Emotions Like Fear and Pleasure
5 Involved in Experiencing Anxiety
6 Reward ProcessingFigure 1
F U N C T I O N S
F U N C T I O N S
A few scientific facts (simplified so I can understand them) mayhelp clarify why spiritual vagueness might accompany depressionor anxiety
During an episode with depression the prefrontal cortex of ourbrain wrestles to varying degrees to function as normal Scans haveshown little activity there in a person with severe depressionResults may include impaired concentration confusion increasedimpulsivity mood swings heightened anxiety and a state offatigue
Our amygdala is also on overdrive so we are thrust into fightflight or freeze survival mode We may lose our ability to feelanything good
76
When a delivery is made to a wrong address everything in thepackage exists in full but is unavailable to the rightful owner Inthe same way while we are dealing with depression the advice torest in Godrsquos love know his joy and fill our minds with his peacelands at the wrong doorstep We have faith nevertheless there isno felt connection to him We do not experience God or lovingGod
With input running through this filter we may believe we arespiritual failures I am not good enough for God hersquos tired of meministry is over These thoughts are untrue and not how Godviews his dear children
Scripture shares testimonies of God meeting people at their pointsof need without chiding them Accounts of faith riding outdepression⁸ comfort after sorrow⁹ protection during panicsup1⁰good news calming anxietysup1sup1 and trust during hopelesssituationssup1sup2 are numerous In Elijahrsquos story alone we have abeautiful example of Godrsquos tenderness toward a deeply depressed
prophet who struggled with suicidal thoughtssup1sup3
your thoughts comings and goings motives and emotionssup1⁴ Heknows your complete story
Our Creator understands how the brain works Is God who notices
By restricting mental health challenges tothe realm of the spiritual or to the moralwe disregard the body and mind aspects ofour complete person
Look at your whole self as God does Hesees you and knows your name He knows
77
every sparrow that falls unaware of your confusionsup1⁵ Hispromises to turn all things out for our good and to grow our faiththrough trials do not imply quick work Be patient with yourselfOne day at a time as you are ready God will reveal what he wantsyou to know
If you cannot feel him while severely depressed he has not goneanywhere You are not failing the Difference Maker byexperiencing the painful emotion of hopelessness
God gives us people
Proverbs 1814-16 was written by King Solomon a champion ofseeking wise counsel It reads ldquoThe human spirit can endure insickness but a crushed spirit who can bear The heart of thediscerning acquires knowledge for the ears of the wise seek it outrdquo
Ultimately it is your and my responsibility to save our lives andescape hopelessness Like a child trying to lift a rock twice her sizewe are not using all our available strength if we do not turn to onewho is able to assist
The Difference Maker can lead us to people he has gifted withknowledge and talent to help us with our specific needs
Family and friendsExpectations for support from family and friends might be a let-down Each of us only knows his own despondency and joysup1⁶
Just as we cannot fully understand how others feel or experiencelife loved ones and friends who genuinely care for our wellbeingdo not always know what to say or do when we express hopelessness
78
It is vital we understand this Otherwise in a fragile state we mightmisperceive their unhelpfulness or distance as lack of love
In their great fear of losing you or normalcy or withunsubstantiated guilt for your despair significant others may reactangrily in a controlling fashion or defensively Your calmestfriends might resort to platitudes and examples of when they weredepressed once and got over it quickly
Forgive them Tell them what you need Ask for what you need Letthem make mistakes We cannot mindread and presume to knowtheir motives either
Mental healthcare professionals
Most of us go to a mechanic to havesomeone with skill fix our car We wouldnot stay long if they started knitting newparts There is nothing helpful to gainfrom opinions without experience or
insight either
79
ldquoWalk with the wise and become wiserdquosup1⁷ Professional mentalhealth caretakers are available almost everywhere whether onlineover the phone or in person Licensing means they have receivedthe necessary training for walking people through uniquechallenges that present with mental illness personality and otherdisorders trauma addiction and relationship dynamics
Two terms frequently confused are psychiatrist and psychologistPsychiatrists are medical doctors (MD or DO) Like all medicalspecialists it is their job to assess symptoms and prescribe a course
80
of action Psychiatrists rarely offer psychotherapy (talk therapy)Office visits are usually about 15 minutes They prescribemedication based on revealed symptoms
Psychologists generally are talk therapists with a doctorate inpsychology (PsyDPhD) Sessions with clients typically run 50-60minutes These sessions may vary in style based on any givendoctorrsquos preferred approach Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)has statistically proven more effective for depression and anxietythan other therapy methods
Licensed therapists may practice within specialties such as traumaor addiction Common abbreviations you may have seen includeLMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist LPC (LicensedProfessional Counselor) LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)There are also LPAs (Licensed Psychological Associates) LifeCoach and Peer Support certificates do not include the advancedtraining required for most therapists unless the individual hassought those degrees as well
Christian counselors and pastorspriestsSome believers insist they must see a Christian counselor Thereare of course different perspectives to this
DW leads a ministry for pastors in need of mental health servicesHe said ldquoI would rather people see [a non-believer therapist] whoknows what he is doing than a Christian who does notrdquo
The titles Christian Counselor or Pastoral Counselor are not anautomatic assumption of extensive training Not everyone isequipped to use the Bible effectively for psychiatric or behavioralhealth issues
81
Because a woman advertised herself as a Christian counselor Iwent to see her Within three weeks I realized her version of faithwas the humanistic concept of a christ-within We are our ownsaviors and deity according to her No that is idolatry notauthentic Christian faith which acknowledges One God one Savior
Except for a single time I have sought licensed mental healthprofessionals who follow Jesus A secular psychiatrist was patientwith my faith until I mentioned hearing from God Then shethought I had lost touch with reality
Both the christ-within counselor and the psychiatrist were limitedbecause they could not understand the most important part of howI think Godrsquos Word is my guide honoring God is my highest goaland listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit is imperative
Your story is not over
Her tattoo seemed meaningless Whywould anyone want a semi-colon onher upper arm Years later I wear asemi-colon ring
As a punctuation mark the semi-colonis placed where a sentence could endbut the author decides to continue Forsuicide attempt survivors around theworld it is a symbol of choosing to liveout onersquos story after wanting to closethe book
Semi-colon commodities are shows of solidarity of hope and for
82
some a reminder We are making our stories known so you toowill realize that hopelessness does not define your futureRegardless of what you may feel hear us Your story is not over Itis time for a new chapter
Godrsquos plan for you
is not done
he has
much to show you
I am glad you are
alive God feels
that way about you
too
We found out it is
true our
lives are
not futile
Dear supports
Job (pronounced jobe) lived about 4000 years ago His story ispreserved in the Bible book titled with his namesup1⁸ Jobrsquosprosperity comfort and high standing role as judge and advisorwere unmatched
In one day Job lost about a third of his farm animals thousands ofthem to robbery and the rest about 7000 to fire Most of hisfarm hands were murdered by the robbers and his shepherds diedin the fire Only three men survived to tell Job what hadhappened
While Job reeled from this disastrous news a fourth man ran up
ldquoMasterrdquo the servant said ldquoyour sonrsquos house collapsed underpowerful winds All ten of your children were inside IhellipI am theonly survivorrdquo
Job sunk to the ground in a daze As was befitting such sadness inhis culture he shaved his head tore his clothes and sat in ashes
Soon he developed from head to toe a ldquoburning ulcerationrdquo of hisskin This illness commonly translated in the plural as boils issingular in the original Hebrew language in which it was recordedMost likely black leprosy swollen open sores turned all his skinblack and crusty until it eventually fell off Job scratched at intenseitching with a broken piece of pottery
His bones deteriorated Nightmares invaded his sleep Hestruggled to eat becoming gaunt and weak ldquoJust curse God anddierdquo his wife said in her own grief
83
People who used to look up to him now mocked him Young peopledared spit in his face The disease was contagious and incurable inJobrsquos time so even his servant responded only when Job begged Hewas humiliated and lonely
Stripped of everything three supports still managed to add to hissuffering
Jobrsquos friends came to visit as soon as they heard the news Shockedthey barely recognized him For seven days and nights they offeredthe kind of support we long for when feeling hopeless In silencethey sat nearby his suffering too great for words
Job spoke first Anguish poured from the pit in his belly Hequestioned the value of his life wondering why he had ever beenborn and why God would not let him die now
ldquoWhat I always feared has happened to me I have no rest onlytrouble comesrdquo he said
Immediately one agitated friend accused him of foolish talkdismissing his emotions as irrelevant compared to propriety
Each piled on
84
ldquoYou sound like a blustering windrdquo
ldquoListen God is doubtless punishing yourdquo
ldquoYour children must have sinned against him so their punishmentwas well deserved toordquo
Invalidation and judgment swallowed compassion whole Theycontinued their drivel ldquoWho are you to question Godrsquos wisdomYou need to be quiet and listen to us If you would only admit yoursin life would be happy againrdquo
In a cruel twist these arguments forced the one who was sufferingto defend his pain Instead of helping or comforting his friendsdragged fragile Job across the burning sands of rejectionfrustration and emotional abandonment
Dear supports learn from these men They were sorely wrong andGod said sosup1⁹
Why platitudes do not helpThe Great Physician and Counselor Jesus Christ heals with thethread of his Word He reaches for the darkest wounds in a humansoul and stitches them precisely and accurately one at a timeThere in the recesses the Word of God is counsel and lightsup2⁰
Three least helpful responses to someone feeling depressed orhopeless are anger and demand absence and fake cheeriness orplatitudes
Sharon inherited her childhood home and immediately tore downthe wall her mother used to bang her head against as a child
85
86
How can telling Sharon to forgive her mother take root if shame isall she has known Help her tear down the reminder wall first thenshe can stop staring at it and listen
Edward carries a full water bottle everywhere to subtly remindhimself he is not drowning when flashbacks threaten to send himinto a panic Why would the advice to have more faith encouragehim when he has never felt safe Give him water bottles first Asfear subsides he will hear the glad message
Aiesha carries a list of affirmations to read when her dadrsquosparalyzing voice creeps into her thoughts telling her she isworthless What will she do with promises of an identity in Christwhen she does not know what an identity is Fill Aiesharsquos emptylove tank first then her functioning heart can learn to see thedaughter God saw as he created her
Supports dare not try to rush the healing process by makingsomeone feel small and inadequate at feeling better Let us notdismiss the Difference Makerrsquos tender provision of patience andtiming
He has the wisdom and means to retrain a crippled thoughtprocess and belief system Meticulously and gently he cleans outand sews up layers of hurt and unhelpful thinking at a speed eachof his children can handle
Warning signs of suicide
From NIMHnihgovThe behaviors listed below may be signs that someone is thinkingabout suicide If these warning signs apply to you or someone youknow get help as soon as possible particularly if the behavior is newor has increased recently
Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill themselves Talking about feeling empty hopeless or having no reason to live Planning or looking for a way to kill themselves such as searching
for lethal methods online stockpiling pills or buying a gun Talking about great guilt or shame Showing despair or suicidal themes in original artwork or music Talking about feeling trapped or that there are no solutions Feeling unbearable pain (emotional pain or physical pain) Talking about being a burden to others Using alcohol or drugs more often Acting anxious or agitated Withdrawing from family and friends Changing eating andor sleeping habits Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge Taking great risks that could lead to death Displaying extreme mood swings from very sad to very calm
happy Giving away important possessions Saying goodbye to friends and family Putting affairs in order making a will
If you support a loved one or friend who struggles withhopelessness it is important to access resources andinformation Be prepared to support them well Gohere and here
87
Prayer to the Difference Maker
For the glory of your name
O Lord preserve my life
Because of your faithfulness
bring me out of this distress
Amen
Psalm 14311
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have the energy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeutic Even baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make your own
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that
Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list
Play music
Set the table
Take a shower
Sit with the family
Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today
Go for a walk with a person or your dog
Eat a healthy meal
Attend participate in a support group
Paint a picture or put a puzzle together
Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor
Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Practical Exercise 6 Live a little
89
Next allow hope
Think about your values as a guide Write downwhat is important to you and keep the list whereyou can see it Each day after you have a choicestick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
Lower your stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
For more ideas visit stress management here
90
Consider climbing these next few steps bottom to top in your search for professional help
If you are in crisis now do not wait Call 911 immediately or go toyour nearest emergency room
5 Feel free to switch You are doing
the hiring Find help not more confusion
1 Pray Ask the Difference Maker
to lead you to the right person Keep
praying even after you are in
sessions
4 Interview therapists Be specific
about what you need Ask a support to
do the interviewing for you if you are
not strong enough
3 Get recommendations for
therapists and doctors if possible
from believers of Jesus who have
received professional help Go here for
a reference page
2 Do not use stigma to
determine what method
of treatment will work
for you Listen to those
in-the-know
91
Envy secretly resents those who have what she wants Hence shecannot reflect the image of God who already owns everything Hehas no reason to envy
7Jealousy and Envy
Some thoughts Why canrsquot I have the family he does She has a dream job must be nice Hersquos had all the advantages I want my co-workerrsquos car Itrsquos not fair I want my wife here with me Who are these ldquofriendsrdquo he keeps talking about
Jealousy and Envy are notidentical Envy is the quiet sisterwhose eyes flit back and forthnever satisfied with who she isor what she has Hungry for theelusive she does not rememberher own blessings Her pursuitof happiness in a thing personor achievement focuses only onthe future
Twin sisters Jealousy and Envy are destructive to our
wellbeing They are intrusive obnoxious and interfere with ourpeace We do well to run the other way when we see these siblingscoming
92
The sister Jealousy robs people and atmospheres of joy Forinstance she might mumble ldquomust be nicerdquo if the object of herjealousy tries to share a happy story She complains bitterly
Jealousy acts possessively when someone she claims to loverefuses her control She makes threats and seeks vengeance Oftensuspicious energized by insecurity jealousy is nicknamed agreen-eyed monster for good reason
The Lord said this about himself ldquoDo not worship any othergod for the LORD whose name is Jealous is a jealous Godrdquosup1 Theword jealous in this verse in the original written language refersonly to God There is no resemblance to human jealousy which isseverely flawed
Godrsquos jealousy is holy He is jealous for us (not of us) because wegive our devotion to things that offer no hope He is not in a rivalryover our souls because he has no rival He is not jealous of anothergod because he is the Only True God He simply wants his people
to honor him to stay in the relationship
Unfortunately jealousy in the human form is unproductiveAccording to James ldquoWhere jealousy and selfish ambition existthere will be disorder and every vile practiceldquosup2 King Solomon alsowarned ldquoA heart at peace gives life to the body but envy rots thebonesldquosup3
Run for your life from the sisters
People are lost in the peripheral when we zero in on what theyhave Are we more drawn to the bling in a home or to the personwho invited us there
93
HumilityThe word humble means to dismiss self-reliance and become fully-dependent on God according to the original written language ofthe New Testament
Joe burned with anger so deep he thought it would kill him Hecried out to God for vengeance and relief from the cause of hispain The Holy Spirit nudged him toward humble willingnessFinally Joe prayed ldquoLord change merdquo
Do we hear what someone is saying or plot how to sound smarter
Are we glad for the friend who has what we want or do we sit backin bitterness
Jealousy and Envy isolate us emotionally keeping us too busycomparing to care Unable to give love fully we cannot receive it
either
Humility Willingness and Love are the Difference Makerrsquosbouncers ready to prevent thoughts of jealousy and envy fromovershadowing our joy
Like Joe humility takes responsibilityfor onersquos heart and refrains fromcasting blame everywhere else Joe washappy to discover his anger gonewithin a few days replaced by mercy
Humility gives us that freedom toexamine ourselves unafraid to setdenial aside Self-protection cannot
94
95
compare to Godrsquos great love Once aware of our need for mercy and his forgiveness we can offer it to others
Paul challenged his readers ldquoIn your relationships with oneanother have the same mindset as Christ Jesus Who being invery nature God did not consider equality with God something tobe used to his own advantage rather he made himself nothing bytaking the very nature of a servant being made in human likenessAnd being found in appearance as a man he humbled himself bybecoming obedient to death mdash even death on a crossrdquo⁴
Willingness is slippery It can be emotional and reactionaryreluctant and resigned or surrendered and devoted Willingness isproven by action
A man had two sons He went to the first and said ldquoSon go andwork today in the vineyardrdquo
ldquoI will notrdquo the boy answered Nonetheless he soon changed hismind and obeyed his father
The man went to his second son and requested he go to thevineyard to work This boy answered ldquoI will sirrdquo and never went
Jesus told the above parable⁵ to challenge stuffy holier-than-thoureligious leaders whose claims to know God were at odds with theirunacceptance of Godrsquos Son They were like the boy who said yesand did not follow through
Meanwhile societyrsquos unreligious outcasts were coming to JesusLike the first son they changed their minds and began doing whatthe heavenly Father asks of us
Love is described best in what many call The Love Chapter⁷ in theBible We learn first that love is kind Love celebrates with thosewho are glad and aches alongside people who are in sorrow⁸
We will never find the selfish sisters Jealousy and Envy trulysharing in a personrsquos joy Instead they smile and squeak out tersecongratulations while sincere love stands proud of theaccomplishments and blessings of others unafraid of their success
Neither do the sisters grieve for the sake of anotherrsquos heart Inworst case scenarios jealousy and envy are glad when people whoseem to have better lives suffer
Continuing with the definition of love we see it does not envy orboast it is not proud God said ldquoLet not the wise boast of theirwisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast oftheir riches but let the one who boasts boast about this that theyhave the understanding to know me that I am the LORD who
Thankfully the Difference Maker is working to change us from theinside-out to grow our willingness so we can join him in his goodpurposes⁶
96
exercises kindness justice and righteousness on earth for in theseI delightrdquo⁹
Love is not rude It respectfully honors others instead of focusing onselfish ambition Love always protects so gossip and assumptionsare not part of our conversations
Love is patient not easily angered It is not delighted with thefailings and miseries of people who do wrong so it does not compilebitter records Instead love trusts and hopes
Trust and hope are not the same as denial and duplicity Lovecelebrates all truth even uneasy truth Love perseveres but doesnot enable addiction abuse or other sins Real love is tough
Too often the term love is equated with sex or a temporary high ofdelight ldquoIf you love me yoursquoll sleep with merdquo is manipulative as isldquoif you make me happy I will love yourdquo These sentiments areproud dishonoring self-seeking unkind and unprotective
Love built on what is given to us or how someone makes us feelhas no foundation and teeters on whether we tire of the gifts andhow soon those warm fuzzy feelings wear off The love of God is notdependent on superficial beauty or favors His love never fails
Jesus said ldquoDo not love the world or anything in the world Ifanyone loves the world love for the Father is not in them Foreverything in the worldmdashthe lust of the flesh the lust of theeyes and the pride of lifemdashcomes not from the Father but from theworldrdquosup1⁰
Take those eyes off the world
97
Humility of attitude willingness to act and sincere love do notstare at what only might be
Picture a lawn overrun by weeds1 Humility realizes the lawn is not so beautiful and no bragging
rights are appropriate2 Willingness pulls the weeds3 It is love that kills the weedsrsquo roots and plants fresh seed
When those weeds growing in our thoughts are jealousy and envythe same principle applies
and lift toward heaven in gratitude for what God has so generouslygiven
Paul admitted ldquoAt one time we too were foolish disobedientdeceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures Welived in malice and envy being hated and hating one another Butwhen the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared he savedus not because of righteous things we had done but because of hismercyrdquosup1sup1
We have much for which to be thankful Gratitude is our escapefrom the sisters
The purveyor of love whose verynature is love the Difference Makerfills us with his perfect brand of loveWe lose the need to control or pursuepersons to drag love out of resistantrelationships or to chase after whatwe think might please us next Oureyes turn from what we do not have
98
100
Prayer to theDifference Maker
Thank You Jesus because you
died for everyone so that we
who receive your new life will
no longer live for ourselves I
want to be one who lives for
You Christ Jesus because You
died and were raised for me
Based on 2 Corinthians 15
100
Example Thought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social event learnto be a good friend Reach out to her in kindness
Do something of value to earn respect speak kindwords to and about him work on honest ways toimprove your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thank Godthose people are comfortable and not hungry orcold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to go outwith your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
Practical Exercise 7 Act Opposite
To keep jealousy and envy from overtaking your relationship withGod and thought life act opposite of how you feel Disappointmenttriggers jealous and envious thoughts What step can you take in theopposite direction
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Next do the amazing
What if you did something so shocking itamazes even you What if you went socounter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things
If you will do it this challenge will shake your world and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it more orto a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarranted criticismit is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of running woulda-if-onlyon a loop how about making the situation into a game
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
These ideas are radical Will you try
101
8Destructive Blame
Some thoughts My childhood was dysfunctional so I cannot succeed If it werent for so-n-
so I would be happy right now You make the decisions-it is your fault if I do not like them People make me lose my temper I will not trust God because church-goers
are hypocrites
Some thoughts My neighborrsquos dog bit me itrsquos my fault for
leaving the house My marriage might have worked if Irsquod done everything better My boss threw a clipboard
because I am a disappointment I should have been a better child and I would
not have been abused
Now we have met the sisters let me introduce the Destructive
brothers Blame and his other brother Blame These two arefishermen with strange styles
Blame 1 is a confused fishermanwho seems to miss the pointCasting generous portions ofblame in every direction it doesnot matter to him where itlands He does not fish with ahook It is not his intention tocatch anything that might endup back in his boat
102
Blame 1 had a difficult past and it is fair to empathize with thatHowever he will not review options He refuses to accept his powerto change His style of fishing is best described as cast cast andcast
Blame 2 is quirkier still He owns a boat but it is so full of catchesthat it will no longer float So he swims grabs what he can anddrags it back to shore
Trouble is he does not catch healthy fish but rather the blame hisbrother is doling out Blame 2 collects it stores it and never castsany of it away His style of fishing is collect whatever floats
Blame 2 has also had a tough life It is appropriate to care about hispains However like his brother Blame 1 he is not very open tochange
While toxic shame does not let go of mistakes destructive blame isabout shifting responsibility
Casting Blame
Casting blame transfers responsibility anywhere except on personalpoor choices This is frequently blatantly obvious
A man questioned a tax consultant about concerns related to his2020 stimulus check from the government He had left his first wifeand children and started a new family Where was his secondcheck ldquoDoesnrsquot the President know I have another family to careforrdquo
The tax consultantrsquos reply was crisp ldquoYou alone are responsiblehelliprdquo
103
Tam came to town for a funeral and claimed to be low on cash Wewere strangers and seeing her plight I invited her stay in myhome for two to three days One week later with a days-longheadache and nerves already jumping over the edge I dropped heroff at the airport
Decades ago she had moved several states away from her familyOn her first visit in years she screamed obscenities at them overher phone for hours a day This was only a few feet from my homeoffice hence the headache She spread lies among her relatives tome to a mutual friend and to my pastor
What I heard was her avoiding responsibility Casting blame feelsgood in the moment because it instantly relieves shame andaccountability It is not sustainable
Casting blame
is an efficient
means of
skipping
guard duty
over onersquos
wellbeing
One reason casting blame is depressive isthat the blamer must work harder andharder at rationalizing or denyingpersonal mistakes and wrongdoingsDepression perhaps is no surprise when apattern of bold-face lying becomes tooheavy a load
Blame conveniently pushes the burden ofchange elsewhere A blamer can rest inthe familiarity of pain although it is theirchief complaint In this way castingblame is an efficient means of skippingguard duty over onersquos wellbeing
104
ldquoFools make fun of guilthelliprdquo King Solomon wrotesup1 John explains
ldquoIf we claim we have no sin we are only fooling ourselvesrdquosup2
Waiting for the world to adjust to our wishes shields us fromseeing flaws in our attitude and behavior This is what blame doesform a blinder around our minds until we are barely free tounderstand the truth
Like Blame 1 cannot leave his boat casting blame keeps us stuck
Blaming GodHigh School senior Jarrad sees himself as a class clownconsistently and excessively talking throughout his classes both in-person and online until everyone is laughing His online teachers
try muting him and he resorts to physical antics
With his screen darkened toother students Jarrad texts themduring class Finally theprincipal steps in with a warningstop it or earn suspension
Jarradrsquos behavior does notimprove One month later hereturns to class with moredisruptive hilarity often at theexpense of teachers
His parents are aware and havedealt with their son However they work all day and Jarrad shrugsoff their discipline Expulsion is the last resort What other optionsremain for the school
105
Jarradrsquos refusal to change his rebellious ways eventually bringsabout his separation from those who try to help The schoolsystem teachers principal and Jarradrsquos parents have notabandoned him While leaders give him multiple opportunities tomaintain his education Jarrad will not have it
God does not throw us away either We have the power to detachfrom him and his influence at great personal cost Our insistence onrebellion weakens the relationship and eventually separates usfrom him Our sins hide his face so that he will not hearsup3
All too often ldquoa personrsquos own foolishness leads to their ruin yettheir heart rages against the Lordrdquo said Solomon⁴ Blaming Godfor difficulties resulting from our poor decisions is futile⁵ Ourungodly desires (thoughts) entice and drag us into sinful acts If weallow sin to blossom and grow large in our life it gives birth todeath⁶ Relationships occupations reputations opportunities andlives are at risk
God disciplines us for our good⁷ Like a child who learned in theprincipalrsquos office not to throw an eraser at her teacher a secondtime (excuse me while I clear my throat) if it takes hardship to getour attention he will allow it This kind of pain is a blessingbecause in his patience he never stops calling us or loving us backto life Solomon wrote ldquoDo not be upset when he corrects you Forthe LORD corrects those he lovesrdquo⁸
Our choices affect other peopleJarradrsquos regular interruptions slow classes down affect theauthority of teachers and frustrate serious students His expulsionis in part for the sake of everyone elsersquos education
106
Godrsquos hand of discipline on our heads may be for the protectionand blessing of other people too Rebellion hurts our parentsrsquofeelings⁹ Acts of foolishness harm societysup1⁰
The commandments to not commit adultery murder steal andthe restsup1sup1 are summed up in ldquoLove your neighbor as yourselfrdquosup1sup2
Love does no harmsup1sup3
Our choices affect our blessingsIf I pray for you to be blessed I am asking God to show you hisdivine favor Blessed is often equated with happiness contentmentor joy
Jarrad is missing out on a good education that we all know wouldgrant him more options in the future In a similar way we take apass on the greatest blessings from heaven by choosing to focus ontemporary feel-good moments Selfishness never fulfills us
The Bible says ldquoBlessed are thosehelliprdquo bull who are poor in spirit (devoid of spiritual arrogance)bull who grievebull who are gentlebull who hunger and thirst for integrity purity and rightness of
thinkingbull who are mercifulbull who are the peacemakersbull who are persecuted for righteousness sakesup1⁴bull who are kind to the poorsup1⁵bull who are not offended by Jesussup1⁶bull whose disobedience is forgivenbull whose lives are lived in complete honestysup1⁷bull whose hope is in the Lord their Godsup1⁸
107
Our choices affect spiritual productivity and growthJesus compared himself to a grapevine God the Father to agardener and us to branches God prunes that is trims backspiritually healthy branches so they will produce even morespiritually healthy fruitsup1⁹
Sometimes this process stings although there is no fear ofcondemnationsup2⁰ God is developing in us in increasing measurehis loving practicessup2sup1
Like a tree or grapevine what we produce will prove our natureWe know Jarrad is not exemplifying personal honor or concern forothers If he allows God to change his thinking he will still struggleto win back peoplersquos trust and supportsup2sup2
Goodness
Trutha tree of life
saving lives
Patience
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Testimony
Spiritually healthy fruitsup2sup3
108
Our choices affect our eternal reward
The Olympics were a big deal in ancient Greece where they firstorganized the competition Winners received crowns made fromplants Of course these shriveled up quickly
Paul spoke of a crown that will notwither Comparing the games and victorycrowns to a spiritual race he said ldquoTheydo it to win a prize that will fade awaybut we do it for an eternal prizerdquosup2⁴
The crown of life is the reward that Godhas promised to those who love himsup2⁵Paul says ldquoI press on to reach the end
of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God throughChrist Jesus is calling usrdquosup2⁶
Bearing in mind all the self-destructive choices we make why dowe blame the Difference Maker when life does not meet ourexpectations
Collecting misdirected blame
Straight up let us admit that innumerable circumstances andconsequences causing our suffering are the fault of others Thisincludes terrible acts people commit against us and how we feelemotionally or physically at that moment
We develop false guilt by accepting accountability for events out ofour control Once an adult what we choose to take in is up to usWe are not helpless
109
A tyrannical boss catches every one of his personal assistantrsquosmistakes and invents a few too He enjoys verbally abusing Mari byberating and mocking her in front of other employees He does nothave to accept responsibility for his decisions gone wrong becauseof his convenient scape goat
Facing this each day creates an atmosphere in which Mari begins toquestion herself Maybe I am clumsy and nit-witted I did notremember to fetch the folder he demanded I misspelled a clientrsquosname
Often misdirected blame is dotted with just enough truth to makeit difficult to weed out
Mari did make a mistake TrueShe has made more than one mistake TrueShe is accused of other mistakes TrueShe is responsible for anything beyond her actual mistakes FalseShe blames herself for her bossrsquos discomfort This is false guilt
AbuseAbuse is taking advantage of someone who is physicallyemotionally psychologically intellectually or in some way unableto stop the abuse In Marirsquos case at first she is unable to stop theverbal abuse because she would lose her job
A woman like Mari who is beginning to believe she is worthy ofharsh reprimand needs some psychological support to recognizethe manipulative lies of her boss She is too full of self-doubt tomeaningfully stand up for herself
Every form of abuse is about power and control Abusers blame lie
110
111
and manipulate to gain and maintain control over their target Asconsummate actors their public appearance is misleading Ifcaught or accused they know how to cry or they cry because theyare not getting their way In religious settings they know thelanguage of the faith and will use it to sound repentant Apologiesare unspecific unless they parrot the accuser
HumiliationPutting down your partner Calling your partner names Constant criticisms Making your partner feel like they are crazy or guilty Humiliating your partner in front of people Embarrassing your partner
Power and
Control
IntimidationYelling or screaming Using a threatening tone Talking down Threatening to hurt yourself or your partner Making your partner feel afraid Tearing up pictures Smashing gifts Destroying objects Slamming doors Throwing things
Treating your partner like a baby
property or servant Making all of the decisions
Having expectations that no one can meet Controlling who
your partner sees or spends time with Setting all the rules in the
relationship
Domination ThreatsSaying you cannotlive with your partner Telling your partner you will leave them somewhere if they do not do what you say Constantly threatening to find someone else Saying yoursquoll commit suicide of you break up
Sexual Abuse
Bragging about your sexual relationship
Making comparisons Flirting to make your partner
jealous Using drugsalcohol to get sex Pressuring your partner
Using emotional abuse to coerce sex Rape
Physical AbuseHolding your partner so they cannot
leave Slamming them intosomething Hiding your partnerrsquos
bruises Grabbing Slapping Hitting Shoving Punching
Kicking Poisoning Drugging
Minimization and Blame
Possessiveness Using jealousy as a sign
of love Accusing your partner of cheating on you Not letting your partner have other friends
Telling your partner how to think dress and act
Not accepting responsibility for your actions Making a
joke when you hurt your partner Telling or showing
your partner everything is their fault Acting like
abuse is ok in the relationship
Every form of
abuse is about
power and
controlhellip Abusers
make their
decision to abuse
Period
In this secret climate misdirected blame is part of the abuse Thespoken or unspoken threat is that the target will look like a liar ifthe truth comes out
Sadly it happens This is one of many complicated reasons targetsmay not leave their abusers soon or at all
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation go to thislist to find help
Make true and empowering statements
Create personal statements Examples
A I cannot control what other people choose to say or do It is notmy job to fix every circumstance
112
Abuse is always yes always thefault full responsibility and sin ofthe abuser
Gross misrepresentations of anabuse victimrsquos role are spoken inignorance He should have foughtback She wasnrsquot dressed rightHe pushed her buttons She wasnagging him He should have metcurfew She shouldnrsquot havemouthed off
Abusers make their decision toabuse Period
B I refuse to carry blame for the crime committed against me ormy family Only the criminal did wrong I did what I was capable ofdoing in the moment which is the best anyone can do in anysituation
C I will not take on the burden of guilt for my friendrsquos addiction Icannot save or fix her No one can She is responsible for seekinghelp and not just begging me for money or a place to stay
D I do not accept the abusers lies that I brought on the abuse Iwill not hate the child or victim-adult I once was for allowing whatI had no power to stop
Whether casting blame or collecting misdirected blame the optionto reach out for fresh perspective and guidance from the DifferenceMaker is always available
The brothers Blame never consider this
And a-fishinrsquo they go
113
Proverbs 205
Prayer to the Difference Maker
The purposes of a personrsquos heart
are deep waters
but one who has insight
draws them out
Please Lord I need your insight
to draw out my motives and
the deep injuries of my soul
so I can understand and change
Based on Proverbs 205
Practical Exercise 8 Find harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time to
study their companion and without criticism show appreciation forthe good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God for whatyou have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blame payattention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize everyone including yourself hasmade mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive as much asGod has forgiven you
This Or This
115
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stoppinganother person (we have no controlover them) Boundaries are about whatwe allow into our circle
Do the following exercise then createyour own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo
4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leave responsibilityfor his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for the consequences oflosing them
What about a situation in your life
Next draw a circle around yourself
116
9Perceived
Dependency Some thoughts If no one pushes me I cannot succeed He says he loves me after he hits me and I cannot be without
him This has been a tough day already I need a drink Irsquoll feel happy only if this job interview goes my way His
approval keeps me going Shersquoll leave if I do not stay sick
Dear Creeper
You are my perceived dependency You have toyed withme since I was young I played the game of hide andseek innocently believing you and the powerful forcesthat drove me to you were normal and right I did notunderstand you are a creeper
Your presence seemed a kind gift an experience forwhich I was grateful Slow and sure you built a templefor yourself in my brain
One day I witnessed the ruin of another of yourconfused devotees and began to fear you Confidencegrew in my power to go on alone Nonetheless yourcajoling stirred memories of when we first met andsoon your promises of the hour defeated caution
I
cared
only
for
how
you
made
me
feel
117
Your lies were soft and comfortable Eventually I believedeverything you offered for my protection No one could persuademe you were not my best friend
Remember how I used to panic when you were not in sightVigorous denial kept me from seeing what was happening I caredonly for how you made me feel
Oh but I see you now my enemy Perceived Dependency youhave never been a friend Joining hands with you in my destructionwas a game of Russian Roulette with unpredictable consequences
So-called dependency was but another deception I could have beenfree To be honest until now you have been my choice I amchanging my mind
You see there is someone real taking your place He is theDifference Maker the Highest Power who is always for me andnever against me
I could say itrsquos not you itrsquos me but this breakndashup is all aboutrunning away from you and into the arms of God
Goodbye from Not-Your-Victim
Co-dependent
Eating Disordered
Money-hungry
Etcetera
Defeatist
118
Stone and wood statues all over the world are praised and offeredgifts to appease whatever god they represent That is literal idolworship Jesus expanded the concept to include anything thatstands between us and full devotion to the One True God An idolthen is anything or anyone we think we cannot live without otherthan God
Perceived dependencies are our masters Not only are they a typeof idol but they are also futile No person can meet all our needsNo substance satisfies for long Compulsions heap unhappyconsequences on an already stressful life Obsessions overrulegood judgment Yet we obey them when they call
Perceived dependency unloads barrels of disappointment on thehuman spirit We create mental scenarios of rescue and if onlydelusions Who will make me happy What will bring relief Weare completely at the mercy of our perceived dependencies unlesswe take our power back
A perceived dependency is theact of giving our power freely toan outside force that once givensuch authority becomes ourmaster source motivation andexcuse
Nothing is easy about aperceived dependency NothingDay to day life is complicated bymaneuvers around the belief thatwhat we need most is missing
Our masters
119
Evie lives in denial As a heroin addict her behaviors are morepredictable than she is aware She is a sweet daughter and lovingmother when sober When she is using everyone runs for coverHer language is vile and abusive She tries to manipulate herdaughter for money
Only one year ago Evie graduated from long-term residentialtreatment She held down a job and visited with her youngchildren She did not separate herself from old companions andsadly relapse came as no surprise to her hopeful and wary familyEvie sacrifices for her obsession all that makes life worth livingcausing great pain in her wake
Evie and Tony
Tonyrsquos longing for love and overwhelming fear of rejection haswelded his self-made cage shut He leans heavily on his wife toreassure him with constant agreement Opposing opinionsthreaten his sense of security so he never asks for her realthoughts
His perceived dependency is the submission of his wife and otherswhile he takes no emotional risks It is clear in this scenario Tonysold his personal power at the cost of true love His wife is captivealso if she plays by his rules
The sad chaos of Eviersquos and Tonyrsquos lives is whythe words of the prophet Isaiah make senseHe said we feed on ashes by looking to an idolto meet our needs A deluded heart misleadsus To our detriment we fail to question ldquoIsnot this thing in my right hand a lierdquosup1
120
Then there is Rhona
Lifting her head from the toilet and sinking to the all too familiarfloor Rhona knew her eating disorder owned her and could endher life She was desperate for freedom
Someone introduced her to a 12-step program of recoveryThough a meeting was an hour away Rhona determinedly andfaithfully traveled to join-in Older members supported herthrough tears and triumph Eventually she had her life back
She does not consider herself free to eat whatever she wantsInstead she is free to choose carefully what will keep her healthyNo longer do certain foods send her spiraling because she avoidsthem completely She will carry safe foods with her to familygatherings and other events
Rhona is not a compulsive dieter her choices are a matter of lifeand death Thirty years later after entering recovery she stillattends meetings
Dr Rhona Epstein became one of the very few experts in foodaddiction and serves as a psychologist helping as many as she canHer book Food Triggers is beneficial to any one of us whostruggle with compulsive behaviors around food
Any willingness to be open to a spiritual
solution is a start -Dr Epstein
121
My son finally convinced me to watchthe Marvel series All of it I havelearned that imaginary superheroesstruggle to learn how and when to usetheir power
Decision-making is not so simple for useither Opting to break away from aperceived dependency is not asstraightforward as Captain Americatossing his shield at a villain andknocking him flat
Yes God has graciously created us with the remarkable power ofchoice Why do we so often risk its loss
It is doable Remember intent does not mean instant success Thefirst step each day is the main one
Have you survived difficult challenges If yes why not againHave other people recovered Why not you
Superpower
Each of us is gifted with a superpower Do the following fivequotes by Jesus reveal it to you
ldquoIf you wanthelliprdquo sup1∙⁵ldquoAnyone who chooseshelliprdquo sup2 ldquohellipif you do not believehelliprdquo sup3ldquoIf you hold to my teachinghelliprdquo ⁴ldquohellipyou were not willingrdquo⁵
122
Relapse
The difference between Evie Tony and Rhona is that Rhonalearned to wield her power of choice in her favor Ask anyone withbroken chains freedom requires complete honesty support andconnection to strength greater than ours
Some say relapse is inevitable No but it is common We return toold destructive habits when we have not permanently structuredour goals around something more meaningful I relapsed with myeating disorder with a long list of excuses My health coachreminds me to see recovery as an investment in what I want toachieve
Ultimately it is finding and living in purpose that brings joy Withwhat will we fill your lives so our obsessions no longer have roomin our heads
Surrender
I mentioned to a woman with a secular belief system that it is aprivilege to be used by God Her negative reaction makes sensebecause my word choice ldquoused byrdquo was skewed
It is fairer to say I am one of Godrsquos volunteers among many Noneof us have had our will removed By faith and experience we knowhis ways are best The more we grasp that the more we want to dofor him Herersquos the clincher we love him because he loves us Yesit is a privilege and source of joy when the Difference Maker worksthrough us to help others in some way
Surrender comes with the understanding that God has more than
123
single personrsquos best interests in mind In that regard he asks usto extend his mercy love and truth when we might rather sit athome in comfort
Should we say yes we will find he is working everything out forour good too In his will (as discussed in chapter 2) weexperience deep satisfaction As always the Difference Makerrsquosapproach is more profound and effective than the worldrsquos wisestphilosophies⁵∙⁵
The complete Serenity Prayer famous for the shortened versionused in 12-step groups points to such surrender
God grant me the SerenityTo accept the things I cannot changeCourage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the differenceLiving one day at a time
Enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardship
As the pathway to peaceTaking as He did
This sinful world as it is Not as I would have itTrusting that He will Make all things right
If I surrender to His willThat I may be
Reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him
In the next Amen
124
125
But God
Accounts throughout the Bible of Gods interactions with humansprove he is the Highest Power At the end of their resourcespeople saw God change everything
The entire earth flooded But God remembered Noah ⁶
Jacobrsquos boss cheated him ldquoBut God has seen your abuserdquo ⁷
Josephrsquos brothers sold him ldquohellipbut God intended it for goodrdquo ⁸
King Saul hunted him down hellipbut God [helped him escape]⁹
People tried to kill Paul But God has protected me sup1⁰
Epaphroditus was ill and almost died But God had mercy onhimsup1sup1
Jesus was nailed to a cross But God raised him from the dead sup1sup2
We are lost for eternity But God demonstrates his own lovehellipsup1sup3
Apostles hadhellip fears within ldquoBut Godhellip comforted usrdquosup1⁴
Helplessness is not always a fact it is a belief Through JeremiahGod said ldquoIf you wanted to return to me you could You couldthrow away your detestable idols andstray away no morerdquosup1⁵ He knowshow much power is available to us ifwe will ask
126
Surrender to the will of God is ultimately the cure to compulsiveaddictive behaviors That does not mean it is easy nor does itguarantee no relapses Jesus said ldquoIt is not the healthy who needa doctor but the sickldquosup1⁶ He is our healer perhaps we do well tofollow his prescription
Let us remember together whatever condition we are in howeverdeeply we are stuck in perceived dependency we do not actuallyneed the person activity substance or compulsion we are focusedon to survive or thrive Our dependence is but a perception Wecan depend on and trust the Highest Power
Whom have I in heaven but youAnd earth has nothing I desire besides you
My flesh and my heart may failbut God is the strength of my heart
and my portion foreversup1⁷
ldquoBut Godhelliprdquo
Recommended
The Life Recovery Bible is special It is the Holy Bible in its entirety with sidebars relating specific scriptures to
recovery These address emotional issues trauma support and much more In addition the Life Recovery
Journal takes the reader through the 12-step process
Prayer to the Difference Maker
Please keep me from deliberate
sins Donrsquot let them control me
Then I will be free of guilt and
innocent of great sin
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you O LORD my
Rock and my Redeemer
Psalm 1913-14
128
128
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsessionTake this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a
dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
Practical Exercise 9 Now What
Spell it out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write outall it has stolen and what freedom will bring This is about you notcasting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praise andgratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is to a realGod who will not only see what you write but who knows your heart
Write a letter (or letters) to yourperceived dependency Do not mail it ifit is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Rome isdirectly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them I highlyurge you to take it in
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
129
Next find a strong
support system
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over time whois healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability to hold yourconfidences Watch them with other people Choose friends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who have seen yourstruggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
130
10Fear
Fear leads to depressive thinking when we give it authority Fear
develops under a threat real or perceived to our wellbeing or thewellbeing of another person
As a mere emotion fear is not a sign of weak character nor does itsignal failure of faith The bravest people are those who feel fearand face it even in small ways Courage is measured by genuineeffort not success or the size of payout Baby steps toward facing
or overcoming any fear are indeed applaudable steps
Some thoughts I promised to attend the meeting but since Irsquoll make a fool of myself Irsquom not going There is no way to know if I can stay safe I do not like people different from me Things are going to get worse Irsquom sure he hates me
131
Not every courageous person looks like one
Examples of couragebull Elderly people venturing out despite impatient drivers and
ridiculous younger people talking down to thembull Children returning to the same school each day where they are
taunted or bulliedbull Families of faith around the world persecuted by authoritiesbull People in suicidal despair reconnecting with living
bull Those living with disabilitybull Those going to work with anxiety migraines fatiguehellipbull Women who leave abusive homes and often face judgmentbull The caretaker of elderly parentsAnd the inspirational list goes onhellip
Facing fear is a choice that mimics the life of our Saviorsup1 Heloved (far) beyond his comfort zone The author of Hebrewswrote rdquoConsider him who endured such opposition from sinnersso that you will not grow weary and lose heartrdquosup2
132
God chooses unlikely heroes
Abigail⁵ was beautiful and intelligent Marriedwhether by choice or arrangement we do not knowher role was to manage her wealthy household withits many servants and obligations serve herhusband Nabal and presumably have his children
Nabal wise in his own eyes and not in many otherswell lived up to his name which meant fool Filledwith greed his harsh demeanor in business and athome proved his self-centeredness No doubt heenjoyed his meanness and the fear of those aroundhim
He
adds
ldquoI am
with
yourdquo
and
stays
God does not whip out a chill ldquodonrsquot be afraidrdquo anddisappearsup3 He adds ldquoI am with yourdquo⁴ and staysBrave people learn from their less-than-bravemistakes (we have all done them) With him at ourside we move forward following the DifferenceMakerrsquos plan for overcoming fear
In those days (about 1100 BC) sheep and goats were money andoften stolen Soon to be king warrior David was on the run fromhis insanely jealous father-in-law King Saul David and his armyof six-hundred men earned what they needed to survive byprotecting the livestock of various towns and farms
It was customary and expected for wealthy landowners to offerprovisions to such protectors Nonetheless when David sent themessage to Nabal ldquoPlease give your servants whatever you canfind for themrdquo only insults were returned
David was ready to end such insolence and with 400 armed menheaded for Nabalrsquos home to kill him and all the males who livedthere
A shepherd ran to Abigail to report this He said ldquoNabal is such awicked man that no one can talk to him Please do what you canrdquo
133
Abigail quickly loaded donkeyswith meat bread wine grainraisins and pressed figs Servantsdelivered them to David
Going against her churlishhusbandrsquos wishes certainly wouldhave brought down his wrath hadshe been caught She risked her
life by confronting angry warriors intent on revenge
David responded to her pleas for mercy thanking her He saidldquoPraise be to the LORD the God of Israel who has sent you today
134
to meet me May you be blessed for your good judgment and forkeeping me from bloodshed this dayrdquo
As an unlikely hero Abigail saved an unknown number of livesThe brave shepherd who informed her shared in the heroism Thenext day when she told Nabal of the drama his heart failed himand he died
God specializes in choosing unlikely people for courageous deedsA few examples among many include an orphan girl-turned queenwho saved her nation (Book of Esther) a child who spoke hardtruth to power (1 Samuel 3) a young slave girl who approached aprincess (Exodus 21-10) and uneducated fishermen who broughtthe gospel to the world though they lost their lives over it(Matthew 418-22)
Despite initial misgivings these people had to decide what kind ofperson they wanted to be One way to face our fears is to answerthe same question
Consider the life and mission of each of the following people Howdo you think they answered the question What kind of person do Iwant to be
Will I risk everything Hee Jinrsquos Grandmother in North KoreaWill I choose life Nick VujicicWill I hold out Irena SendlerWill I let go Elisabeth ElliotWho do I want to face in the mirror tomorrow Dobri DobrevHow will I respond to my greatest regret Victoria RobinsonWill my legacy point to life Jason ReidWill my example set a helpful precedent Marie Meggs
135
Will I believe what I cannot yet see Jo Ann RobinsonWill I keep my eyes on things of Heaven instead of on things ofearth Jessie TendayiWill I come back to God and ask for help when I fail miserablyJim Wahlberg
ldquoWe are having a physical experience in a spiritual worldrdquo ndash Author unknown
Satan distorts and disrupts the truth in attempts to steer us fromGod Human experience is a catalyst for such trickery becausewhat we see and feel seems more real than an invisible God Is heinconceivable though
His power is evidenced in nature⁶ His love has redeemedcountless lives Millions testify to his personal presence We seeGodrsquos promises always come to pass whether spoken throughprophets or other scriptures⁷ We witness his sovereigntythroughout history
Stout faith lets go of control and chooses to obey the proven Godwho shows himself real only to those with the spiritual eyes tosee⁸ In his wisdom he made it impossible for science or
The Difference Maker offers safety in his shelter
philosophy to prove his existence to closedminds⁹ Although faith is not blind it is notsight eithersup1⁰ Faith is the evidence of whatwe do not seesup1sup1
Godrsquos shelter unlike an umbrella or a treenever fails
Towers in fortressed cities ofbiblical times provided safetywhen enemies attacked In ourspiritual battles Godrsquos shelter isthe hiding place
The key is to stay there Psalm 91says to live in his shelter - spendour time there Then he hides usin his shadow as if we were in atower of refuge
This Psalm also tells us what wedo not have to fear
1 Satanrsquos bait setting plot trap (The fowlerrsquos snare)
2 Pandemic disease (Deadly pestilence)3 Dread and the object of dread (Terror of night)4 Seemingly random attacks or dangers coming from
all around deeply personal attacks (Arrows fly by day)5 Disease pandemic that walks about in trouble and in
spiritual unreceptiveness (Pestilence stalking in the dark)6 Destruction coming from violence and devastation in
the middle of the day or in the bright of happiness(Plague that destroys at midday)
7 Wicked people (Lion)8 The Devil (Serpent)
In distress of any kind he rescues us or arms us for the battleWhat is left to fear If God is for us who can be against ussup1sup2
136
We still want to hide from time to time Aloneness is notintrinsically unhealthy Jesus taught But when you prayhellipshutthe door behind youhellipsup1sup3
It is the fear that locks us in that paralyzes the life we wantRemember the Difference Maker sets us up with everything weneed for faith courage and victory In all circumstances we candeclare as King Solomon did ldquoThe name of the LORD is a fortifiedtower the righteous run to it and are saferdquosup1⁴
ldquoFinally be strong in the Lord and in hismighty power Put on the full armor ofGodhelliprdquosup1⁵
Paul used a symbolic reference thepeople of his day would haveunderstood the armor of a Romansoldier Comparing physical war tospiritual ones he first describes whywearing Godrsquos armor is necessary
One our struggle is not against peoplebut against the devil and his spiritualforces of evil Two when we are harassedfor our faith we will resist and standsup1⁶
Wearing Godrsquos armor is a decision wemake each day in faith bearing in mindthe vital meaning of each piece
The Difference Maker offers safety in his armor
137
The Belt of Truth ldquoStand firm then with the beltof truth buckled around your waistrdquo The belt of aRoman soldierrsquos armor was more like a girdle andheld up the breastplate
What is truth Jesus said ldquoIf you hold to myteaching you are really my disciples Then you willknow the truth and the truth will set you freerdquosup1⁷Absolute truth does not change and awareness of itprotects us from lies that cause fear
The Breastplate of Righteousness ldquohellipwith thebreastplate of righteousness in placerdquo The Romansoldierrsquos breastplate held in place only once it wasupheld by the belt
What is righteousness Thinking and acting inways that honor God based on his instructionsthese are righteousness However no human effortalone measures up to Godrsquos holiness
Truth upholds our righteousness as it grows in alife with Christ His righteousness leads our wayinto Godrsquos favor There is no fear of punishment ifour faith is sincerely in the Saviorsup1⁸
Feet Fitted with Readiness ldquohellipand with yourfeet fitted with the readiness that comes from thegospel of peacerdquo Spikes covered the bottom ofRoman soldiersrsquo footwear for climbing over roughterrain and for digging into the earth keepingthem steadfast in hand-to-hand combat
138
What is the gospel of peace and how does it make us ready Thegospel is the good news of Jesus the Messiahsup1⁹ While we arealive there is work to finish Readiness to carry this gospel toothers is part of our victory over fear sup2⁰
Shield of Faith ldquoIn addition to all this take upthe shield of faith with which you can extinguishall the flaming arrows of the evil onerdquo A Romansoldier carried a large oblong four-corneredshield covering much of his body
What is faith It is more than believing in GodEven demons believe in God and shuddersup2sup1Faith is pure trust and confidence that Godmeans what he sayssup2sup2
Jesus said faith is like a tiny mustard seed whichbecomes the largest tree in the gardensup2sup3Pastors teachers the Holy Spirit and personalstudy water and feed the seed Nurturing ourfaith is our responsibility that in time surpassesfear
Helmet of Salvation ldquoTake the helmet ofsalvationrdquo Roman soldiers wore a unique helmetprotecting the top and sides of their head Somehelmets also protected the back of the neck
What is salvation Not only is it rescue from awasted life in the present and an erasure ofeternal damnation but the helmet is also theanticipation of the day we are ushered into
139
heavensup2⁴ Keeping our eyes on the reward this helmet protects
us from turning from the faith due to discouragement doubtand fear
a spectacular display of arrogance and deception The battle ofwords was close-up personal and relentless Each time the devilused his wiles the Son of God expertly wielded his swordsup2⁵
In the heat of temptation aimed straight at our weakest pointsskill at using Godrsquos Word boosts our triumph over fear sup2⁶
Prayer ldquoAnd pray in the Spirit on alloccasions with all kinds of prayers and requestsrdquoRoman soldiers needed supplies stamina andfood and water
What is prayer Jesus gave an examplesup2⁷ thatgoes something like this ldquoOur Father in heavenlet your name be treated with reverence Let your
Sword of the Spirit ldquohellipand the sword of theSpirit which is the word of Godrdquo Roman soldierspossessed three sharp weapons a dagger-sized shortsword a spear and a long sword Paul used the shortsword for his comparison to the Word of God
Why a small weapon Satan tempted Jesus in
kingdom come let your will be done on earth as it is in heavenGive us this day our bread for tomorrow and forgive us ourdebts as we also have forgiven our debtors Lead us not intotemptation but deliver us from the evil one for yours is thekingdom and the power and the glory forever Amenrdquo
140
This prayer acknowledges God makes various requests yields to his will and in faith believes all is possible because he is God
and wear his armor daily we will stand with the brave who say Itis scary out there and the Difference Maker goes with me
Godrsquos armor is not intended as a shell to crawlinside Neither is his shelter a place to isolatefrom the world
Fear is fed by our focus When the daycomes that we learn to rest in Godrsquos shelter
141
Prayer to the Difference Maker
When I am hard pressed I cry
to you Lord You bring me into
a spacious place You Lord are
with me I will not be afraid
Based on Psalm 1185-6
143
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in yourpocket Feel it when anxieties and otherpressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
Practical Exercise 10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions andimpulsive thoughts or prevents them fromrising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can behelpful to avoid anxiety attacks or panic orto use during anxiety and panic attacks
143
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing reminders thathe is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics will inspireyou God Will Make a Way
By a roadway in the wilderness Hell lead meAnd rivers in the desert will I seeHeaven and Earth will fade But His word will still remainAnd He will do something new todayGod will make a wayWhere there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot seeHe will make a way for meHe will be my guideHold me closely to His sideWith love and strength for each new dayHe will make a way He will make a way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in apublic place with little opportunity to walk awaypractice sign language or write the names of peopleyou care about in the air discreetly below your waistFiddle with anything that requires your full attentionlike word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worrylater Keep a notebook and pen handy Thenext time anxiety is triggered or could bewrite the concern down and lay it aside Set adate or time to address the issue perhapswith a safe person
144
Next Retrain your thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
145
Now may the God of peace
who through the blood of the
eternal covenant brought back
from the dead our Lord Jesus that
great Shepherd of the sheep equip
you with everything good for doing
his will and may he work in
us what is pleasing to
him through Jesus Christ to
whom be glory for ever and ever
Amen
APPENDIX
147
Terms page 148
A Word About Medication page 149
Bible References page 152
Photos and Other Credits page 155
Collection of Chapter Exercises plus BONUS Exercises page 159
Blank Pages for Notes page 182
Terms - Links
BibleGodrsquos Word
Christ Jesus Christ Christ Jesus
Christian
The Difference Maker= God
Faith
Fear of God
Holy
Jesus
Original languages used to write the Bible
Types of mental health professionals
Repentance
Resurrection
Righteousness
Sin
Trinity
148
An ongoing debate in faith arenas over the use of medications for
mental health particularly depression and anxiety leavesconfusion in its wake Myths about this type of medical therapyabound
Myth 1 Medications cover up spiritual problems Thesedrugs do not create happiness They cannot force introspectionrelief from guilt or wisdom on a person any more than insulinprevents someone with diabetes from eating a candy bar
If behaviors and circumstances that helped to create a mentalhealth need do not change the problem may persist No pill willcorrect poor thinking permanently erase memories of trauma endabuse or change a sinful heart
Medications prepare a brain to function as intended Once stablethe patient can choose to learn wisdom and pursue God or not
Myth 2 Mental illness is a myth No All mental illnesses aredisorders In other words something is wrong with a personrsquosability to function normally due to mental processing Medicationis often necessary to save a life Many chronicled symptoms giveprofessionals an excellent idea of how to diagnose mental illness
Everyone experiences down days massive grief and even
149
A Word About Medication
depressive thoughts It becomes a disorder when a person cannotfunction normally keep healthy relationships or overcome theseemotions
Myth 3 All psychiatrists do is throw pills at youPsychiatrists are medical doctors and specialists It is their job toprescribe medication based on revealed symptoms Appointmentsare typically about 15 minutes Very few offer talk therapy (whereaspsychologists generally do)
A psychiatrist may recommend hospitalization or insist a clientmove to a higher level of care such as to an IOP (IntensiveOutpatient Program) These are professional therapeutic programsthat occur throughout the week in half or full days
Myth 4 Psychiatric medications do not work It is true
150
sometimes they do not Six reasons for this have nothing to dowith the medications themselves
A A patient does not take the medication as prescribed or isnoncompliant and refuses itB A patient refuses recommended co-treatments such as talktherapyC The patient quits too soon Unfortunately it may take weeksand even months to discover the one that works best for aspecific person Dosages may also need readjustmentsD The patient is unable to convey symptoms clearlyPrescriptions based on incomplete information will likely be lesseffectiveE Affordability lack of insurance parity interference fromfamily members and more may disrupt proper treatmentcreating any of the above issues
ldquoJesus is the only one with perfect brain chemistry and nopsychological issues Every other human has somepsychological dysfunctionhellipPsychological Science is simplyunderstanding how God designed our mind to work and thenlearning how to maximally steward our mind for His glory andour fulfillment in Himrdquo
F Misdiagnosis by a doctor This is especially a problem whennon-psychiatric doctors prescribe psychiatric medications
Myth 5 Medications hurt people Safety may be compromisedif medication is not taken as prescribed The wrong medication toocan adversely affect a person Rumors about how often this occursare exaggerated
For most people a combination of medication and talk therapy hasproven most effective For those who receive professionaltreatment 80 go on to live more satisfying lives
If medication corrects brain dysfunction and allows one to developa richer life with Christ (and it has for me) then using medicationis good stewardship of onersquos capabilities Some takeaways from themission statement of Lighthouse Network agree
151
For a deeper look at therapy and medicationsfrom a Christian point of view go to Is It Ok for aChristian to Take Anti-depressants
Chapter
1 The Difference Maker
2 Self-doubt
3 Toxic Shame
4 Self=loathing
Bible References
152
sup1Exodus 1414 sup2Matthew 1128-29 sup3Romans 122 ⁴James 117 ⁵1 John 15 ⁶John 87⁷Romans 623 ⁸2 Thessalonians 17-10 ⁹Ephesians 24-9 NIVsup1⁰Romans 810-18 sup1sup1Psalm 2911 sup1sup2Ephesians 3 14-19
sup1Proverbs 46 -7 sup1∙⁵2 Samuel 111-1225 sup2Psalm 139 23-24sup31 Kings 39 ⁴ Hebrews 511-14niv ⁵Psalm 328niv⁶2 Timothy 316 ⁷2 Peter 120-21 ⁸2 Timothy 316-17niv⁹Mark 1224 sup1⁰1 Corinthians 1433nkjv sup1sup1Hebrews 116sup1sup2 2 Corinthians 317-18 sup1sup3Matthew 633 sup1⁴James15-7sup1⁵Psalm 4610 sup1⁶Deuteronomy 323-4 sup1⁷Exodus 314
sup1Genesis 127 sup2Psalm 84-6 sup3Isaiah 558 ⁴James 39-11 ⁵Ephesians 210 ⁶Psalm 13913⁷2 Corinthians 517 ⁸ Lamentations 322-23 ⁹1 John 31
sup1⁰James 223 sup1sup1 John 1515 sup1sup2Psalm 2710sup1sup3John 10 27-30 sup1⁴2 Corinthians 128-10
sup1Luke 2342-44 sup2 Psalms 34 sup3Micah 718-19 ⁴ Ephesians 317-19 ⁵Psalm 10311-12 ⁶ Psalm 4421⁷Psalm 10314 ⁸ Proverbs 37-8 ⁹Matthew 523-24sup1⁰Luke 2334 sup1sup1Acts 759-60 sup1sup1∙⁵Acts 81sup1sup2Acts 83 sup1sup3 Acts 2022-24 sup1⁴ Philippians 35-14 sup1⁵Psalm 345 sup1⁶2 Corinthians 1314
sup1Exodus 341014 sup2James 316 sup3Proverbs 1430 ⁴Philippians 23-11 ⁵Matthew 2128-32 ⁶Philippians 212-14⁷1 Corinthians 134-8niv ⁸Romans 1215 ⁹Jeremiah 923-25sup1⁰1 John 215-16 sup1sup1Titus 33-5
Chapter
5 Extreme Conclusions
6 Hopeless
7 Jealousy and Envy
153
sup1Matthew 71 sup2Matthew 2537-40 sup3Luke 311⁴Matthew 547niv ⁵Matthew 543-44 ⁶Matthew 712⁷Luke 1030-37 ⁸Numbers 1911-16niv and Leviticus 211-4 10-12niv⁹ 1 Corinthians 1312 sup1⁰Matthew 73-5 sup1⁰∙⁵Luke 1135-36sup1sup1Matthew 1916-26 sup1sup2Matthew 624 sup1sup3Isaiah 714sup1⁴John 11sup1⁵ Verses 4 23 Throughout his ministry people had trouble giving up old beliefs andfully grasping what Jesus was saying In John 11 we see him telling his disciples thatLazarusrsquo illness will not result in death that this situation will bring glory to God (likethe healing of the man born blind which they witnessed John 9) He informs Martha thatLazarus will be raised by him (In the original language the word used when he saysldquoLazarus will liverdquo means raised from a lying down position- raised from the dead)
sup1⁶ Verses 3328 Some traditional versions say Jesus was deeply moved or troubled
Jesus was agitated or angry wanting to instruct everyone and perhaps restrain thefaithless talk around him He waited and instead allowed his prayer and the results tospeak for themselvessup1⁷Psalm 11996 sup1⁸1 Samuel 167 sup1⁹ Mark 1427-31sup2⁰ Mark 14 66-72 sup2sup1John 201-10 sup2sup2 John 211-19sup2sup3Acts 413 sup2⁴2 Corinthians 47 sup2⁵James 116-18
sup1Isaiah 4318-19 niv sup2Psalm 3418 sup3Psalm 1213⁴Genesis 1611-13 ⁴∙⁵ Job 395-8 ⁵Nehemiah 919-20⁶Psalm 119140 ⁷Psalm 1361-3 ⁸Psalm 1437-8⁹Ruth 11-22 and 413-17 sup1⁰Psalm 3121-23 sup1sup12 Corinthians 75-7sup1sup22 Kings 1819 sup1sup31 Kings 1819 sup1⁴Psalm 1391-12sup1⁵Matthew 1029 sup1⁶Proverbs 1410 sup1⁷Proverbs 1320sup1⁸ Book of Job sup1⁹Job 427-9 sup2⁰Psalm 119130
sup1Proverbs 149-10 sup21 John 18 sup3 Isaiah 59 1 2
⁴ Proverbs 193 ⁵James 113 ⁶James 114-15
⁷ Hebrews 1210 ⁸Proverbs 311-12 ⁹Proverbs 1721
sup1⁰ Proverbs 2210 sup1sup1Exodus 201-17 sup1sup2Mark 1228-31
sup1sup3Romans 139-10niv sup1⁴Matthew 53-10 sup1⁵Psalm 411
sup1⁶Matthew 116 ESV sup1⁷Psalm 321-2 sup1⁸Psalm 1465sup1⁹John 151-5 sup2⁰ Romans 81 sup2sup12 Peter 13-9sup2sup2Proverbs 1130
sup2sup3Ephesians 51-20 Galatians 522-23 Proverbs 1031
sup2⁴1 Corinthians 924-25 sup2⁵James 112 sup2⁶Philippians 314
154
Chapter
8 Destructive Blame
9 Perceived Dependency
sup1 Isaiah 4420 sup1∙⁵ Matthew 1921nlt sup2 John 717sup3 John 824 ⁴ John 831-32 ⁵Matthew 2337⁵∙⁵1 Corinthians 120 ⁶Genesis 81 ⁷Genesis 3142⁸Genesis 5020 ⁹1 Samuel 2314 sup1⁰Acts 2622sup1sup1Philippians 227 sup1sup2Acts 224niv sup1sup3Romans 58nivsup1⁴2 Corinthians 75-7niv sup1⁵Jeremiah 41 sup1⁶Mark 217sup1⁷Psalm 7325-26niv
10 Fear
sup1Hebrews 122 sup2Hebrews 123 sup3Matthew 281-10 ⁴Matthew 2820 ⁵1 Samuel 251-38 ⁶ Romans 120 ⁷1 Kings 856-57 ⁸1 Corinthians 210-16 ⁹1 Corinthians 121sup1⁰2 Corinthians 57 sup1sup1Hebrews 111 sup1sup2Romans 831sup1sup3Matthew 66 sup1⁴ Proverbs 1810 sup1⁵Ephesians 61011sup1⁶Ephesians 611-13 sup1⁷ John 831-32 sup1⁸Romans 81-16sup1⁹Ephesians 51 sup2⁰ 2 Corinthians 518-19 sup2sup1James 219sup2sup2Romans 1017 sup2sup3 Matthew 1331-32sup2⁴1 Thessalonians 58-9 sup2⁵Matthew 41-11 sup2⁶Hebrews 512-14 sup2⁷Matthew 69-13
Chapter
1
2
3
4
Photos and Other Credits
Face in the mirror page 40 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped Artist page 44 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Church page 28 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJames Ryan quote page 31 from The National Association for Christian Recovery Four Kinds of Moral Inventory httpswwwnacrorgcenter-for-12-step-recoveryfour-kinds-of-moral-inventoryGirl praying page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NDcropped and manipulatedWriting hand page 31 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredOxford Grouprsquos Four Absolutes page 32httpsindianriveraaorgPDFTHE20FOUR20ABSOLUTESpdfScottish Proverb page 32 Confession Is Good For The Soul - Christian Devotions for Daily Living - DevotionscomCross page 32 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped
155
Man with net page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC rock overlaidRock page 6 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCGirl page 14 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
Billy Graham quote page 16 from Video Billy Graham httpswwwfacebookcomryanthompson100videos10158050555419605UzpfSTEyOTE4OTc5NDU6MTAyMTY5MTQzNDAwMzI3MTkFlame page 17 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC manipulated Jar page 26 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND
Chapter
5
6
156
Train page 49 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredTrain page 50 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredWounded man scene page 52 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND cropped recolored manipulatedCamel page 54 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYSAAbout Sadducee beliefs page 54 Camels Needles and the Question of Money retrieved on November 5 2020 from httpsallofitagainwordpresscom20170518camels-needles-and-the-question-of-money-colinTrain page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYN recoloredCurved path page 56 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recoloredLazarusrsquo feet page 58 freebibleimagescomTrain tracks page 59 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCrecoloredTrain page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredExam paper page 60 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredRooster page 61 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Jesus page 74 freebibleimagescomArahant Mental Wellness page 76 Treating Depression with TMS Aimed at the Brainrsquos Prefrontal Cortex httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortex Healthline page 76 The Effects of Depression on the Brain What Is Depression httpswwwhealthlinecomhealthdepressioneffects-brainHow-Can-Treatment-Change-the-Brain Figure 1 Page 76 httpswwwarahantmentalwellnesscomtreating-depression-with-tms-aimed-at-the-brains-prefrontal-cortexEric W Dolan page 76 In depressed people the medial prefrontal cortex exerts more control over other parts of the brain Psypostcom Mental Health June 19 2017 httpswwwpsypostorg201706depressed-people-medial-prefrontal-cortex-exerts-control-parts-brainSemicolon tattoo page 81 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredProject Semicolon page 81 httpswwwfacebookcomprojectsemicolonMug page 82 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDrecolored
Jealousy and envy sisters page 92 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC cropped manipulated recoloredHeart page 94 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredJesus and man page 96 freebibleimagescom recoloredWeeds page 98 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recolored
Necklace page 82 from httpswwwamazoncomproject-semicolon-jewelrysk=project+semicolon+jewelryPage 83 Black leprosy also called elephantiasis because the skin begins to look like elephant skin Jobs Disease By Louis Rushmorehttpswwwgospelgazettecomgazette2005janpage15htmJob and friends page 84 freeBibleimagescomGirl and woman page 86 This Photo by Unknown Author licensed under CC BY-NDWarning Signs of Suicide page 87 httpswwwnimhnihgovhealthtopicssuicide-preventionindexshtmlpart_153177Stairs page 91 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped and manipulated recolored
Chapter
6 continued
7
8
157
Boater and swimmer page 102 These Photos by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA cropped recolored ndash 2 pictures together both under same license Greek Olympics page 109 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredPower and Control Wheel page 111 from httpswwwtheagapecafecomFishing pole page 113 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC recoloredCouples page 115 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDand This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recolored
Chapter
9
10
158
Girl page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC cropped recoloredFloating money page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCrecolored croppedDice page 119 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY 20 recolored croppedAshes page 120 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCJesus and people page 122 freeBibleimagescomCaptain American cover page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredCaptain America Shield page 122 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA recoloredSerenity Prayer photo page 124 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BYCartoon man with weights page 125 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND recoloredSupport Group scene page 130 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND cropped recolored
Donkey page 133 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAUmbrella Woman page 135 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCWoman in shadows page 136 freeBibleimagescomArmor page 137This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCBreastplate page 138This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDBelt page 138 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDShield page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SAHelmet page 139 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCSword page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCPraying hands page 140 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-NDTurtle page 141 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NCLeaf page 143 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NCRubiks cube page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SACalendar page 144 This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC
Collection of the Chapter Exercises
Plus Bonus Exercises
159
1 Make the Thought Exchange
Have you ever walked past your bed and thought I could use anap even though a minute earlier you were not tired This is atype of thought-habit By mentally associating sleep with the bedthe visual automatically triggers ideas of exhaustion and rest
Ask God to help you identify the what when with whom whereand why of an unwanted unintentional thought-habit Take thetime to complete the following exercise (for each thought habit)and you will be surprised at the worthwhile outcome
1 What consistent triggering event and response doyou experience
________________________________________(Example Your mood drops when you sit on the edge of the bed)
_________________________________________(Example Work is stressful)
2 What are you thinking during this triggering event
160
3 What is your thought-habit
_____________________________________________(Example Associating this seat with going to work)
4 What thoughts would you prefer at these moments
_____________________________________________(Example l feel content)
5 Make the exchange The goal is to exchange your triggerrsquosassociation from gloomy to what generally rightens your mood
A Change the environment(Example Redecorate the area with things you love move thebed add light)
B Change the context(Example Use the edge of the bed regularly for foot rubs sayingprayers or texting jokes to your friends
C Change the atmosphere(Example Lift the overall cheeriness of the space with openblinds worship music or a self-starting coffee maker (Avoidtexts from work or open them elsewhere)
6 Make a quality decision for when you will start
_________________________________________
(Example I will buy the coffee maker on my lunch hour today)
161
7 What action will you take next time this triggeringevent occurs
________________________________________(Example Saywrite a gratitude prayer)
Preparation is key to managing depressive thoughts Episodes ofdepression anxiety or other mental health challenges may followa pattern or cycle
BONUS EXERCISE Exchange News and Social Media for Books and Face-to-face Conversation
A sense of aloneness and anxiety might come from a lack of eye-to-eye contact and conversation and an overload of news reports
Especially before going to bed turn off all the negativity and pickup a good book During the day make plans with a friend to visitover coffee even if you must be socially distanced
Do this for two weeks and you will feel the results
2 Use Pros and Cons for Good Judgment
Step one Pray for Godrsquos guidance Step two Check the Bible orask a mature follower of Christ to see if there is already ananswer given Step three Be brutally honest with all the pros andcons of your options
If I Dohellip If I Donrsquothellip
Pros Cons
Cons Pros
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you ndash God
162
Remember Who Has All the Answers
Place a dark-colored glass jar or bottle wherever it will catch somelight Keep it open and have slips of paper and pen available
Write down your unanswered questions doubts about yourselfand any other concerns
Place them in the jar
You will see a dichotomy Inside the jar is a great problemsurrounded by shadows and light By faith we can accept that wedo not see all or have all the answers By faith we can know thatGod does
Notice how rays of light sometimes shoot out of your jar Thisrepresents the endless wisdom and love of God to which we caneach cling Somehow good is going to come of what we do notunderstand
163
BONUS EXERCISE Sleep Hygiene for a Healthy BrainFrom adaaorg
bullKeep a regular sleep schedule Go to bed around the same timeeach nightbullDo not eat a heavy late mealbullWatch TV in a room other than your bedroombullTurn the TV off 30 minutes before bedtimebullPut down the electronics 30 minutes before bedtime The screeneven on dim mode can still be stimulating to the brain via theeyes
3 Examine the Evidence for Shame
COLUMN 1ABOUT YOUR SHAME
1 Were you a child2 Were you manipulated3 Were you unable physically
psychologically or otherwise to act differently
4 Are you still carrying the secret5 Was it an honest mistake or an
accident 6 Is it possible you are believing
someone elsersquos version of events 7 Was your behavior intentional8 Was it malicious9 Was it evil10 Would you repeat the same behavior
now11 If your child or friend did the same
thing would you forgive them12 Do you believe God can forgive you
if he wants to
COLUMN 2HOW GOD RESPONDS
1 Mark 1013-16 Luke 171-2
2 Proverbs 2810 Psalm 172
3 2 Samuel 2217-19Psalm 10 14
4 1 John 19 Psalm 4421
5 Psalm 3313-15 1 John 3 20
6 Psalm 40 15-16 Psalm 254-5
7 Romans 56-10 Romans 322-25
8 Ezekiel 3314-16 Colossians 31-17
9 Titus 33-7 Luke 2333-34
10 Colossians 19-141 Corinthians 1311
11 Matthew 57-8 Ephesians 431-32
12 Luke 154-7John 316-17
If you answer yes to one of thequestions on the left you have a newday in the court of your mind Checkout the corresponding links on theright
164
Draw prison bars on the outside of a box Cut a slit in the top largeenough to put sheets or slips of paper inside Place this wherever itwill help you most Keep a notebook and pen nearby
Toxic shame dumps barrels of past problems on us each day Theseissues and memories are impossible to change so we remainashamed
If you are therapeutically ready to leave the past behind (that isyou are not stuffing anything away that you need to talk about)let go and allow God to pour his grace over history Whenevershame for something you no longer do begins to stress you write itout place it in the prison box and leave it there forever
Secure your release by throwing away the key
Secure Your Release From Toxic Shame
165
BONUS EXERCISE Incorporate Self-care
From successcom
Self-care is different for each person Examples of self-careinclude making a healthy smoothie before work going for a longwalk at lunch spending time laughing with your spouse beforebed going on an adventure drive relaxing at the beach calling afriend or taking a long bubble bath The type of self-care doesnrsquotmatter as much as the effect It should make you feel like yoursquoretaking care of yourself in a way that combats toxic shame self-loathing anxiety depression and stress Carve 20 minutes intoyour day for self-care
4 Word-Swap
Reassure yourself as you might a friend I needed a gamesomething with a little challenge in it to help make a thoughtexchange So I made one up
It is amazing how fast it worked From decades of self-abusivelanguage in my head to automatically (without effort) challengingthose thoughts took only a few weeks
Challenge 1 Awareness Begin to notice how you automaticallyspeak (audibly or not) to yourself
Challenge 2 Stop when you are about to insult or call yourselfnames Take the first letter of your negative word(s) and think ofpositive replacements that start with the same letter Examples
Exchange stupid for strong smart successfully washed my truckExchange loser for loving learning Lisarsquos best friend
Challenge 3 Choose positive words that speak well of you even ifyou do not believe them yet It is tricky and just might make youcringe or laugh aloud at first
Challenge 4 Keep it up
BONUS EXERCISE Write Your Biography
Write stories from your life using only positive descriptive wordsabout yourself It doesnrsquot have to seem true at first Keep at it
166
1 Question the messages that helped produce or support yournegative core beliefs Are the messages true
Example If you believe you never do anything right look aboutyou and write down all you have accomplished in the last 24hours (You read this page right That is one) No matter howsmall you think the accomplishment it is evidence to the contraryof never do anything right
Ask the Holy spirit to show you what your core beliefs are
2 Question the messengers From well-intended loved onesto marketers to abusers messages given us as children and oldercan come from unreliable sources Ask these potentially revealingquestions about the sources of those messages
Do you know who they are Are they mature and responsible Arethey liars Narcissistic Are they emotionally incapable ofrealistic insight Maybe they are repeating unchallenged falsenegative core beliefs of their own Are they suggestible andreactionary with their emotions Are they knowledgeable andwise
What if they were wrong That changes everything does it not
BONUS EXERCISE Mirror Mirror
Look yourself in the eye and say ldquoI am loved I am lovablerdquoRepeat
167
Test Messages and Messengers
5 Train of Thought
Switching our train of thought away from judgmentalism andmercilessness supports self- confidence patience and relief Thefollowing word trade-offs land us in the middles
Exchange
Brainstorm More Options
CouldChallenging And It is an optionIrsquoll find supportI am fragile right nowOften or sometimesIt will be difficultUnlikely or rarelyIrsquoll figure out something positive I can do
bull Shouldbull Hopelessbull Butbull Must0ughtbull I am toughbull I am uselessbull Alwaysbull Canrsquotbull Neverbull I canrsquot take it
forforforforforforforforforfor
School
Go if I have the moneyDonrsquot go if I do not have
the money Go part-time
Trade chores for room and board
Get a used
car
Find a less-
expensive
school
Live with Grandpa
Save
money
Go 1 year
work 1 year
repeat
168
Keep
working
169
Know When to Say Yes for a Most-fulfilling Life
Knowing what is of utmost importance to you will help preventmisdirected drive
1 Take time to list all your current obligations This will includefamily friends job financial expenditures physical healthmental health spiritual goals what God has asked of you andanything that you must finish
2 Look realistically at the above Is there anything that does notfit within your daily availability finances emotional energy orphysical capabilities
3 Is there anything you can remove from this list Ask for Godrsquoswisdom
What remains are yesses With rare exceptions everything else isa no Each time you agree to secondary activities expenses orobligations you are trading-in and saying no to something (orsomeone) you more highly value
BONUS EXERCISE Have a Routine
Sometimes when emotions run our decision-making we needsomething stable to help us stay on track with what it is we want
On your calendar mark a morning routine and a bedtimeroutine Set alarms on your phone for meals and meds Schedulefree time so your calendar does not own you
Get involved in life in even small ways What do you have theenergy to do today Mentally refreshing activities are therapeuticEven baby steps are progress Here are some ideas make yourown
What would you be doing if you were not depressed Do that Write a to-do list and celebrate making the list Play music Set the table Take a shower Sit with the family Sit up on the edge of the bed for 15 minutes 2x today Go for a walk with a person or your dog Eat a healthy meal Attend participate in a support group Paint a picture or put a puzzle together Make Keep an appointment with your therapist or doctor Go to the store and say hello to people you pass
Lower Your Stress
Divide tasks into smaller more manageable parts Your focus willshift from all that you believe you are failing to do to a sense ofachievement
Keys to success Make sure all the divisions are manageableAsk for support if neededPace yourself and continue next weekCelebrate how far you have come
6 When You Feel Hopeless Live a Little
170
Allow Hope
Think about your values as a guide Write down what is importantto you and keep the list where you can see it Each day after youhave a choice stick to the status quo or read the list
ExamplesIt is important to be available in a positive way for friends and family
I want to honor God It is important I return to workschool I want to leave a legacy of hope and not suicideI want to be here for my pet sibling friendI want to feel proud of my achievements I want to accomplish___________I want to experience ___________
BONUS EXERCISE Prevention
Lack of motivation and finding no pleasure in pleasurable activitiesare two of the classic symptoms doctors look for to diagnosedepression An enjoyable activity serves a preventative role
Make a 9rdquo x 9rdquo paper circle List around the circle activities youenjoy and activities you want to try Ring a paper clip over a penciland plant the pencil in the middle of your circle Spin the paper clipThe activity it points to is what you do for this day Another circlewith names can select whom to invite to join in the activity
171
172
ExampleThought Example Opposite Action
Nurture friendship in your life Make one phonecall go to one church service or social eventlearn to be a good friend Reach out to her inkindness
Do something of value to earn respect speakkind words to and about him work on honestways to improve your success
Pay extra on 1 debt raise your income thankGod those people are comfortable and nothungry or cold Pray for more blessings for them
Compliment their family pray for them As muchas it is up to you make peace in your family Fillyour life with good people
If he is an honest man trust him Talk with himabout his friends (no interrogating) Plan to goout with your friends the same nights
Be the kind of man that does not check out otherwomen trust her realize that your jealousy isdoing harm
7 Act Opposite
She has more friends than I
He is more successful and respected than I
They have more money I want some of that
They come from a good family
He goes out without me
Other guys look at her
Do the Amazing
What if you did something so shocking it amazes even youWhat if you went so counter-cultural as to defeat love for theworldrsquos things If you will do it this challenge will shake yourworld and grow your heart
1 Give the best of what you have to someone who needs it moreor to a charity such as The Salvation Army That shirt or pair ofshoes you just bought and have not worn yet Donate that Themoney you saved for a new shiny something Give that tosomeone in need or donate it to your local foodbank
2 Write down what you wish to own If it is affordable buy it forsomeone else Expect nothing in return
Change the Script
When we are passed up held back or receive unwarrantedcriticism it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves Instead of runningwoulda-if-only on a loop how about making the situation into agame
Each time you feel put down send five kind and encouraging textsemails or letters to anyone you want Consider people who do notreceive much company Send thanks to postal carriers cooks andmaintenance crews
In this way those opportunities for jealousy and envy become highpoints of joy and love instead
173
8 Find Harmony
When you blame someone
1 Choose harmony Make a quality decision to find it and peace of
mind
2 The most loving spouses and friends are those who take the time
to study their companion and without criticism show appreciationfor the good they see Start by taking notice
3 Start a gratitude journal writing prayers of thanks to God forwhat you have
4 Notice too how others suffer Especially those you may blamepay attention to their pain Do not try to ldquofixrdquo anyone
5 Pray for blessings for those you blame
6 At this point you can realize that everyone including yourselfhas made mistakes that hurt someone else Choose to forgive asmuch as God has forgiven you
174
When you accept false blame
Boundaries are not about stopping another person (we have nocontrol over them) Boundaries are about what we allow into ourcircle
Do the following exercise then create your own
Teen Calvin blames you because he cannot find his shoes How do you respond
1 Let him stay home from school2 Frantically help him find his shoes3 Say ldquoIrsquom sorry I failed to pick them up last nightrdquo4 Buy him new shoes5 Yell at him6 Let him find his shoes and be late to school7 Talk with him later about your boundaries and his grounding8 Send him to school in whatever shoes are available
What will you allow in your circle
Numbers 1-5 cause problems for you and do nothing to addressCalvinrsquos behavior
Numbers 6-8 can be healthier boundaries These leaveresponsibility for his shoes on Calvin He is accountable for theconsequences of losing them
What about a situation in your life
Draw a Circle Around Yourself
175
176
Do you have a problemWhat am I thinking about when I wake and go to sleepDo I remember what my childfriendor spouse saidDo I plot ways to get to my fixDo I hide this obsession
Take this free anonymous online test to see if you might have a dependency or addiction NOTE This is not a diagnostic tool
httpswwwonline-therapycomaddictiontest
9 Now What
Spell It Out
Tell it goodbye or yell at it Write out all it has stolen andwhat freedom will bring This is about you not casting blame
Write letters to God too Prayers questions confession praiseand gratitude are helpful concepts to write about Your letter is toa real God who will not only see what you write but who knowsyour heart
Write a letter (or letters) to your perceived dependency Do notmail it if it is a person
Romans
Romans chapter 6 part of a letter from Paul to believers in Romeis directly applicable to dependencies and freedom from them
Christian faith-based 12-Step programs and lay-supportsOvercomersOutreachorg 12-step groupshttpwwwcelebraterecoverycom Recovery programhttpswwwmyhopeforaddictioncom Recovery supporthttpsmentalhealthgraceallianceorg Mental health support
Traditional 12-Step Anonymous groupshttpwwwaaorg Alcoholics Anonymoushttpscaorg Cocaine Anonymoushttpscodaorg Codependency Anonymoushttpscgaainfo Computer Gaming Addiction Anonymoushttpsclutterersanonymousorg Clutterers Anonymoushttpswwwcrystalmethorg Crystal Meth Anonymoushttpwwwdebtorsanonymousorg Debtors Anonymoushttpwwwdraonlineorg Dual Recovery Anonymoushttpwwwnationaleatingdisordersorg Eating Disorders httpemotionsanonymousorg Emotions Anonymous httpwwwgamblersanonymousorgga Gamblers Anonymousheroinanonymousorg Heroin Anonymoushttpsmarijuana-anonymousorg Marijuana Anonymoushttpswwwnaorg Narcotics Anonymous
177
Find a Strong Support System
Cultivate a network of healthy friends Observe over timewho is healthy-minded test them for honesty and the ability tohold your confidences Watch them with other people Choosefriends wisely
Find a support group with nonjudgmental people who haveseen your struggle before and will not be shocked
httpswwwnicotine-anonymousorg Nicotine Anonymoushttpsoaorg Overeaters Anonymous httpswwwpillsanonymousorg Pills Anonymoushttpwwwselfmutilatorsanonymousorg Self-Mutilators Anonhttpwwwsaorg Sexaholics Anonymoushttpwwwspendersorg Spenders Anonymousunderearnersanonymousorg Underearners Anonymoushttpswwwworkaholics-anonymousorg Workaholics Anonymous
Treatment Centers and Rehab guidancewwwfindtreatmentsamhsagov Information on Hotlines and treatment options in your state 1-800-662-HELP (4357) Helplinehttpwwwnbcnewscomfeature How to Find a Good Drug Treatment Program and Avoid Bad Oneswwwlighthousenetworkorg A National Helpline for finding faith-based mental health services in the USA 18445433242httpswwwhelporgchoosing-the-right-rehab-facility How to choose the right and affordable rehab facility
178
1 Pay attention to your senses Stop listen and describe indetail all that you hear Do the same for sights smells and tastesWhat are you touching You feel the floor under your feet Whatelse Take as much time as possible until you feel more in charge ofyour emotions
2 Keep something of nature in your pocket Feel it whenanxieties and other pressures rise or before
3 An oldie but goodie count Count until you are calmand reasonable Count words in a book tiles on a ceiling ornumber of noises Count your breaths imaginary sheep (or real) orsimply count down from 500
4 Move your feet You can do this anywhere anytime Makewalking movements with your feet and visualize walking rightthrough the fear I picture Jesus leading or carrying me
5 Focus on and pace your breaths and relax your musclesThis can be done daily to lower stress levels Practice this tool toprepare you for use during episodes of panic and anxiety
10 Practice Grounding
Grounding calms strong emotions and impulsive thoughts orprevents them from rising By grounding we are so to speakbringing ourselves back down to earth
Here are some techniques that can be helpful to avoid anxietyattacks or panic or to use during anxiety and panic attacks
179
7 Sing praises to God or sing about him Sing remindersthat he is in charge and has your back Perhaps these lyrics willinspire you God Will Make a Way
6 Do something with your hands If you are in a public placewith little opportunity to walk away practice sign language orwrite the names of people you care about in the air discreetlybelow your waist Fiddle with anything that requires your fullattention like word searches
8 Give yourself permission to worry later Keep anotebook and pen handy The next time anxiety is triggered orcould be write the concern down and lay it aside Set a date ortime to address the issue perhaps with a safe person
BONUS Keep Your Mind Busy With Purpose
180
For ideas about purposeful activities and meaningfulrelationships during pandemic isolation see my free e-bookStay at Home and Thrive
Retrain Your Thoughts
When you feel anxious or tempted to fear draw 5 columns and ask God to help you fill them out Example below
Self-protective
Defensive
Anxious
Afraid
I am starting a new project
The family get-together is this weekend I need to get a haircut before that gathering
The deadline for filling out my tax forms is next week
Dan wants me to call back
The boss is going to blame me if the project is late even though Bob keeps stopping by my desk to chat Bob should tell the boss it is his fault
The family will judge me I do not know what to say
Doing taxes is hard
I cannot call everyone
I canrsquot catch a break
It is my project and I am responsible for getting it done on time Irsquoll calmly tell Bob I do not have time to chat
I have a choice whether to go to the family event Cory and Jan are easy to talk to I can spend time with them I can get a haircut on Friday evening
Irsquoll split the taxes over four nights starting Saturday
Irsquoll text Dan to let him know Irsquoll be free after the taxes are done next week
Calmer
Relieved
Less frantic
In control
Looking forward to seeing Cory and Jan
Glad to call Dan when I can focus
Proud of myself
Current
emotion
What event
triggered your
emotion
What are your
thoughts about
said event
What is another
way of thinking
about it
Current
emotion
181
182
Notes
