Hope for Today

AL-ANON FAHfl Y GROUPS Ll... hope for familiess 1-...tfriends of alcoholics

4 January 4 Step One: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--

that our lives had become unmanageable." What I do not admit in Step One is as important as what I do

admit. I do not admit that I am a failure. I may feel like a failure, but I've learned in this program that feelings aren't facts. If I stop to reflect, I realize that I'm not diminished when I admit my powerlessness over alcohol. In fact, in some important way, I join the rest of the human race because we are all powerless over something at one time or another.

When I admit my life is unmanageable, I don't admit that I am a bad person. In my attempts to maintain the delusion of exercising power where I am powerless, my life has become disorderly. Although I may have temporarily lost control of my life, I have not committed a crime. I need only apply Step One to begin to regain my serenity.

Thought for the Day Step One encourages me to build my life in a balanced perspec-

tive. 1

'With the understanding that alcoholism is a disease, and with the realization that we are powerless over it, as well as over other people, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own lives."

Alcoholism, the Family Disease, p. 3

January 7 One of the first Al--Anon sayings I remember hearing, known

as the three Cs, embodies the concept of powerlessness over alco--holism: "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it."

I like the message of the three Cs. "I didn't cause it" relieves me of any lingering guilt I may feel: If only I had been a better son-worked harder at school, done more chores around the house, or not fought so much with my siblings-my parents may not have become alcoholics. In reality their suffering from the disease has nothing to do with me.

"I can't control it" gives me permission to live my life and to take care of myself. No longer do I have to spend my energy trying to manipulate people and situations so that the alcoholics will drink less. Nothing I say or do, or don't say or do, will have any effect on the alcoholics' choice to drink. That choice is completely out of my hands.

"I can't cure it" reminds me that I don't have to repeat my insane behavior over and over again, hoping for different results. I don't have to keep giving one last exhausted effort to stop the drinking, hoping that "this time it will work." I don't have to search for the magic cure that isn't there. Instead I can use my energy for my recovery.

Thought for the Day When I get confused about what being powerless over alcohol

really means, the three Cs give me a clarifying touchstone. 11Active alcoholics are people who drink They don't drink because of you or me, but because they are alcoholics. No matter what I do, I will not change this fact ... "

Courage to Change, P· 74

7

February 28 59 1 had been in Al--Anon for two years before I took Step One.

How could I admi~ wa~ powerless over alcohol when I was 2 7 years old, single, living independently, and my alcoholic father had been sober for 10 years? I was no longer living with alcohol, so I couldn't figure out how to admit I was powerless over it.

I listened to others speak at Step meetings, read the literature on Step One, and even tried to share when Step One was the subject of the meeting. However, I still didn't know how to make it apply to me. How could I be powerless over something that was no longer an issue in my life?

One night, God sent me a beautiful spiritual awakening. When I was the young daughter of an alcoholic father, I was powerless. I was powerless over every criticism that came from his mouth, and I was powerless over every blow he struck against me. To survive such an upbringing, I developed many defenses. When no longer needed, these def ens es became character defects. As an adult, I was still powerless over the effects of my father's abuse. It was the effects of alcoholism over which I was powerless! That awareness helped me to take my First Step.

My understanding didn't end there, though. I realized that my father had been just as powerless over his alcoholic father as I had been over him. When my father was a little boy, he didn't say, "When I grow up, I want to be an alcoholic." The insight my Higher Power gave me into Step One also brought me under--standing, compassion, and forgiveness for my father.

Thought for the Day Alcoholism doesn't have to be active in my life for me to be

affected by it. 110ur pressures and anxieties don't disappear just because we are living with sobriety."

Living with Sobriety, p. I 8

70 March 10 The slogan "Live and Let Live" makes me feel nervous, like

the proverbial circus animal unwilling to leave its cage when the door is left open. It has taken me some time to believe that I can trust in the hope and possibility of this slogan.

A speaker at an Al--Anon meeting presented a metaphor that helps me better understand and practice "Live and Let Live." He said that he has an emotional acre to tend. While it is important for him to tend that entire acre, it is also important for him not to tend beyond those limits. This reminded me of how often I spend more time focusing on others' feelings-trying to fix them or protect them-than on my own.

The limits of my emotional acre are not always as clear as those of my physical acre. However, if I pay close attention to the inner signals I receive from my Higher Power, I can sense when I am trespassing as plainly as if I had climbed my neighbor's fence.

Thought for the Day "Live and Let Live" helps me stay on my own plot of recovery

where I can do the most good, rather than wasting my time on someone else's.

:•our only concern should be our own conduct, our own improvement, our own lives. We are entitled to our own view of things, and we have no right to inflict it on anyone else.''

Alcoholism, the Family Disease, p. 20

164 June 12 I thought I could skip over Step One because I d'd ,

h Th • n t 1· with my alcoholic stepfat er anymore. en I heard oth 1ve 0 . d•a Th er tnern hers apply Step ne 1n a 1nerent way. ey substituted h -

words or phrases for the word "alcohol." Instead of sayin °\ er were powerless over alcohol, they mentioned other peo~l: ey situations over which they were powerless. or

I looked to my past and saw with new clarity the times I had tried to exert control without results. I hid my stepfather's booze. I avoided my mother's constant yelling by staying out late, often getting into trouble. I finally saw how these attempts at control had harmed rather than helped me.

I looked to my present and recognized how I sought to gain other people's acceptance by saying or doing-or in some cases not saying or not doing-the things I thought they wanted. Manipulation had become second nature to me. I discovered how much I wanted other people to change so I could be happy. I even saw how I took pains to control the speed and direction of my own recovery.

Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out whom or what I can't control. When I figure it out, I can put the appropriate word into Step One. Today the usefulness of Step One is broader for me because I can substitute all manner of people and situa, tions for "alcohol." This breadth also helps me work Step Twelve because each and every one of my affairs contains elements I can't control.

Thought for the Day Step One can be a multi--purpose tool.

"We can take AI-Anon's First Step, admitting that we are powerless over the facts of our situation and the other people involved and that our lives have become unman-ageable."

.. . In All Our Affairs, p. 3 I

August 20 233 Steps One, Two, and Three opened doors to profound and

meaningful chang~s. 1?e effects of being raised in an alcoholic family seemed as fixed in me as my eye color. Two traits come to mind-tu~in~ to emotionally unavailable people for support, and engaging in self ,doubt and self-hate. With the help of my sponsor, I now see that these and other traits, not other people, are the source of my anguish.

That insight, however, was only the beginning. The real free-dom came when I finally admitted I couldn't get better on my own, which lifted my denial. My powerlessness filled my lungs, brushed my skin, beat in tandem with my heart. I stood at the edge of acceptance, took a step, and free-fell into Step One. I realized that if only I could remember I was truly powerless over these effects and not try to pretend otherwise, I would be fine .

. Why? Because of Step Two. A Power greater than myself can help me. What that Power is and how it can help me doesn't matter. It is only important that I can place my restless hope in this Power. In Step Three I then surrender my thoughts, feelings, actions, dreams, needs-my whole life-to the care of this Powe~.

I bought myself a special ring to wear, and I touch it some--times hourly to remind myself that I am not alone and t~at these three Steps are my stepping--stones to surrender, sanity,

d . I h d h m in quick sequence many an eventual serenity. ave use t e . times since My life has changed for the better and continues to . I l l'k "me" than I have in 20 years. improve. 1ee more 1 e

Thought for the Day k l for guidance. This is the prayer of powerlessness: to as on y

II d powerlessness, the ' 'The more I feel my sma ness an

1 grow in spirituality." 159 more Having Had a Spiritual Awakening .. ., p.

284 October 10 Sometimes I need to work Step One bac~wards. don't always

recognize when I'm powerless, but I certainly notice when my life becomes unmanageable. Then I remember that usually when I'm feeling insane, I'm forgetting my powerlessness and trying to control outcomes or other people.

My life quickly deteriorates when I indulge my ego and reck-lessly set out to change someone or something over which I have no control-in other words, when I try to get my way. I can be stubborn about it, too, spending an inordinate amount of time and effort to that end. The inevitable result is pain, frustration, and utter failure. Even if I acknowledge my powerlessness, until I accept it, I still experience pain.

When I accept my powerlessness and surrender to my Higher Power's will, however, I gain some measure of serenity and humility. I become spiritually teachable. I wish I could say I always recognize and accept my powerlessness. If only I asked my Higher Power for guidance, let Her do Her part while I do mine, and then went on from there. Often this process really does happen, but I'm human. Sometimes I need to go through the experience of struggling with someone or something before I become willing to surrender and accept reality once again.

My recovery is about progress, not perfection. Each time I practice accepting my powerlessness, it comes closer to being a natural response. The good news is that with surrender and acceptance comes release from my pain.

Thought for the Day ~he pain is not in the surrender and acceptance. It's i h

resistance. n t e

"I ~an hold onto my will until the situation becomes so painful that I am forced to submit or I can put

h . ' my energy w ere 1t can do me some good right now and d . , surren er to my Higher Power's care."

Courage to Change, p. 269

• December 26 361

As a child I grew up waiting for my alcoholic parents to show me the love I needed. When I left home, I transferred this expec--tation to my alcoholic boyfriend. I lived for his love and waited for him to change his behavior, which I felt was hurting me. As long as I clung to my hope that he would love me the way I wanted to be loved, I remained a prisoner of alcoholism.

After coming to Al--Anon for a while, it dawned on me how much of my life had been spent waiting for others to change so I could be happy. I had wasted so much time trying to change the things I couldn't control. When I finally accepted I couldn't regulate my boyfriend's drinking, I was set free. I also realized my powerlessness over family members.

I felt some regret along with these spiritual awakenings, but Al--Anon kept me busy learning about alcoholism as a disease and moving forward with the Steps. I wondered why I should try to fight alcoholism, so I decided to admit that alcoholism is more powerful than I. Now I am free to discover the person inside me who is spirited, fun, loving, and loveable. Today I am learning to give myself the unconditional love and acceptance I always wanted from people who didn't have it to give.

Thought for the Day What can I change so I can be happy? Is this realistic?

11

The only person who can love me the way I want to be loved is me."

Courage to Change, p. I 07